The Best of Car Talk - #2638: Melissa Strikes Back

Episode Date: May 12, 2026

Sherlock Holmes has Professor Moriarty. Superman has kryptonite. And Car Talk is cursed with… a little girl from Seattle who says mean stuff to us. That’s right: Melissa Peterson is back for another round in the ring with Click and Clack. The smart money is on that little twerp for this episode of the Best of Car Talk.See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for sponsorship and to manage your podcast sponsorship preferences.NPR Privacy Policy

Hello and welcome to Car Talk from National Public Radio with us Click and Clack to Tapit Brothers, and we're broadcasting this week from campaign headquarters here at Car Talk Plaza. Wow. This was just handed to me by our press secretary, Hugh Lyonsack. Okay, read, man. Just read the announcement. This is the press release. Just read it.

Yeah, this is from no United Associated. We don't want any editorializing. Just read it, man, because this is it. Tom and Ray, Maliazzi, aka Click and Clack to Tappert Brothers, have thrown their coveralls into the ring and announced their co-candidacy for President of the United States. Running under the campaign slogan, 2-0s in 0-0, that would be you and me. Tom and Ray launched their campaign for the White House today

in a sparsely attended ceremony in Harvard Square. We haven't had time to hire an advanced man yet, said Tom, so only me, my brother, and Dougie showed up. But all three were very supportive. Asked why they're running for the presidency in 2000, Ray referred to lots of leftover bumper stickers from the failed 92 and 96 campaigns. Yeah, we certainly do have a lot of those. The two zeros and zero zero platform calls for the universal three-day work week.

Americans want more weekend than week, says Ray. Read my lips, says Tom. No new work days. The platform is also staunchly pro-environment, says Ray, we are unequivocally in favor of the environment. Yeah, we go into great a detail. on that in one of our white papers. Yes. Very important.

He goes on to say, the press release goes on to say, the brothers were reportedly unable to agree on which one should be president and which one should be vice president. After a high level, I called at first summit, the brothers settled on a unique joint custody arrangement. Tommy will be president Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and Ray will get the Oval Office Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. Negotiations are underway to have Garrison Keeler cover Sunday.

As for their electoral strategy, the brothers say they're hoping to win the swing vote. We're also hoping to win the Chachav vote, Tango vote. And if we get lucky, the limbo vote. I think we got the swing vote tied down. I think so. I mean, with our relationship to Benny Goodman. Yeah.

I mean, what? How can we lose? We're going for the whole ballroom dance vote, I think. You got it. Citizens' mission to join the two zeros in zero-zero campaign can visit the car talk section of cars.com where Tom and Ray's position papers will be posted every week until the election. Well, that's what they're called position, not white papers, position papers. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Okay. I use those for my dog, too. So that's it. Two zeros and zero, zero. That pretty much says it all. Wow. Pretty good, huh?

In the meantime, if you have a problem with that. Or anything else. You can call us. The number is 888-88-28-8-8-2-27-8-255. Hello, you're on Car Talk. Hello, my name's Thomas. I'm from Austin, Texas. Austin?

Yes, sir. Yeah. Nice town, Austin, huh? It's a great town. It's pretty hot right now. Yeah. You know, we wouldn't know what hot is. My question is, how did Austin get to be in Texas?

I mean, it's unlike any other Texas city. Very different. Very different. It's sort of plunked in there. I think Austin was once someplace else. And they moved. Aliens moved the entire city. I think so.

Because, I mean, you can't find another place like Austin in that entire state. We're going to say Godforsaken state of Texas. Godforsaken state of Texas. What's going on, Thomas? Well, here's the deal. I have a 99 Ford truck. It's the first vehicle I've ever had with fuel injection. F-150?

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Great car. Real pleased with it. Anyway, I go get to get my oil change the other day and leave the key in and go in the little waiting room. And I haven't any more sit down and the guy comes walking in and well, I checked your fuel and it's starting to get kind of gooey. and that happens about 25,000 miles, and that's about how many miles you have on this truck.

And we happen to have this system that we do this cleaning of the fuel injection system. It's normally 49.95, but you're in luck because this week it's on sale for 39.95. How lucky can you get? So what do they do? Like, they take your fuel out and they put it on hangers and send it to all the machine. You know, is they having your soup done? Well, the way he explained it, it was something. some kind of, it sounded like it was a pressurized thing that they put on the car, and it only

takes eight minutes. Mm-hmm. And it will increase your gas mileage by three miles per gallon. Yeah. So my question is, was this guy blowing smoke, or will my truck be blowing smoke if I don't do something about fuel injection to keep it clean? Well, so you didn't just go for it, huh? I did not fall for it.

Even though it was $10 off, huh? Well, he was so nice. He offered to hold the deal. He said, it won't be on sale next time you come in, but I'm going to put a notation on your invoice, that says you can still get it for the sale price when you come back, because this is so important for you to get it done. I would go right back. I mean, you still have it.

You saved the slip, didn't you? So let me hang up and run down there right now. Just down the street. Man, I mean, you have to give the guy some kind of credit for at least having taken that course. And you don't, your truck doesn't need this. I agree. Your fuel is not gummy.

If the truck were running poorly, you might want to have this. treatment done to it or some similar treatment. We have a machine at our shop made by Snap On, which is called the Motor VAC. And it does what I... Is there a special on that this week? Let me drive to Boston. Well, yeah, we do it. We do have a special, but I'm afraid it's a heck of a lot more than $39.95.

Does it attach directly to your pocket in the back? Yes, well, it has the wallet vac adapter. We put the motor vac up to your fuel injector rail, and the wallet. wallet vac is a very simple device with grabbers. It goes right for your wallet. And it works on either pocket. Well, I mean, the truth is that these things do work, but he was trying to sell it to you even though you didn't need it.

Well, he was trying to sell it to you as a preventive measure. Yes. And I would... Well. And it could be argued that if you did this... It was preventing his poverty. No, no. And if the thing is as good...

I don't know what this thing is. You were probably at some place like Jiffy Loub or something. They play black there, yeah. Right. And I don't know how good their machine is. I mean, I've seen our machine work absolute miracles on cars that were stumbling and hesitating and getting poor mileage and poor emissions. And you're hooked this machine up and it's like somebody threw a switch. It's night and day.

A magnet's involved. No, no, magnets are not involved. They aren't. No. Is there any value? Radioactive isotopes. Is there any value to the additives that they sell at the service station that you just pour in? Well, see, my philosophy is you don't need any of this stuff unless something's wrong.

But all of these things can help, and that's why they're able to sell them, because they're relatively inexpensive, and people are always looking for the slight edge. They're looking for that, you know, that $10 product that might get them an extra mile per gallon or might get them an extra 10,000 miles out of the vehicle. And if it costs you $10, maybe what's $10? Right. Now we're talking 3995. I mean, you can either take this preventive approach, or you can say, I'll wait until something goes wrong, and then I'll do it. And I think in this case, the prudent man would say, I'll wait until something goes wrong.

Sounds like a good idea to me. And the truth is that modern gasoline have the right additives in them to keep the injectors clean, and it's nowhere near the problem that it was 10 or 15 years ago. So they've really figured out, unfortunately, these additives. are probably going to kill us. But that's another story for another day. But thanks for your call, Thomas. Well, thank you very much. You did the right thing, man.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye. But the good news is the hurses will be running well when they take us all to the cemetery because they'll have clean injectors. Wouldn't that be embarrassing if the hearse broke down? In my case, that's going to happen. Oh, yeah. We have a contingency plan.

Don't worry. When you go, we're planting you no matter what. Is the MG involved? Hey, I could be buried in it. That's the plan. 1-888-8-8-Cart Talk. That's 888-227-8-255. Hello, you're on Car Talk.

Hello. Hello, who's there? This is Melissa Peterson from Seattle. What are the chances of this? Years ago, we had a young lady with the same name. I think she was from Seattle, too. Who was the biggest pain in the neck collar that we've, ever had in our entire

career on the radio. She was like at the time 14 years old of something like that and all she did was castigate us for being stupid, loud, inane, sophomoric. You know, I think I remember her. Yeah, I'll bet you do.

How old are you, Melissa Peterson? I am 19. 19, so that was about five years ago. Mm-hmm. No! Is it really you, Melissa? Yes, it really is. You little pain in the butt.

How are you? I'm a big pain in the butt now. You are. You're an actual woman now. Yeah. You're probably a college student. Mm-hmm. Where do you go to school?

I'm going to the University of Washington. Okay, we'll write them a letter and tell them about you. Uh-oh. Yeah. Thank God you stand out in that post. Hey, just tell me one thing. Do you still hate us as much as you used to? My feelings for you have kind of matured a bit, but you haven't improved any.

They haven't improved, but they've never improved, but they've How about the dog? Does the dog still hate us? Yes. I think your original letter stated that your dog hated us even more. Mm-hmm. Oh, that was the PS, right. The PS, and my dog hates you, too. We still have the same dog. You still have the same dog. So what prompted you to call us? Well, actually, I have a question for you. No kidding. Really? So you want to just, like, use us and toss us aside? Yes. Are you all right with that? Well, we admire your candor. You are honest. I will say that for you. You were kind of cute actually as a 14-year-old. I thank you. I found myself hating you less after we met. Because Melissa, didn't we actually pay for her airplane

ticket and she came here to... You did. Yeah, you came to her guest. You were a live guest in our show. She was. You made a comment about every single question we answered. Mostly negative, I believe. All negative. And we had the good grace to take you out to dinner afterwards. Yeah, you tried to get me to eat Kalmari. Yeah. Yeah, we were hoping to make you sick for the plane ride home. And then I remember that you broke my pipe. I did

not. You did too. I stole it. I didn't break it. Oh, you stole it? She stole it. Yes, I had a corncob pipe. Did you spend a lot of money for it? I spent the dollar ninety-nine for it, Nienies, and Melissa stole my pipe. Do you still have it? No. Okay. Melissa, I'm honored that you called us. Well, wait and see what she wants. What do you want?

See, I got a motor scooter about two weeks ago. What kind? I got it in a Suzuki dealership. Oh, so you bought it brand new? Yeah. Okay, it's a motor scooter. Yes.

Yeah. And my dad, he like road bikes and he was a kid, and he thinks it's the coolest thing ever. And he's like, yeah, you're going to have so much fun on this thing. My mom worked in the ER for a while in some motorcycle accidents, and he thinks I'm going to kill myself. Yeah. And I'm just wondering how dangerous they really are. She's right. Well, you know, this is a...

tough. This is a tough one. If, if, if I, if I loved you, which maybe your mother does, but probably nobody in the world does. Hey. Well, you're a mean, rotten little kid. What do you want? Look, here's the deal. Your mother is absolutely right. Man, these things, they are so much fun. I understand. I had one once. They are really a lot of fun, but they really are dangerous. And Your mother is absolutely right. Have you driven a car for long? Yeah. How long?

About four years? How many accidents have you had in that time? None. How many have you caused? None. I'm a very safe driver, thank you. Where are you going to use this thing on the streets of Seattle? Yeah.

It's not fast enough for the freeway. But you'll be riding on the same streets that are used by trucks and buses. Yes. Yeah. Gee whiz. I have to... Wait, but you bought it already. Yeah.

Your mother allowed you? you to buy it? Yeah. Well, it's on my dad's credit card. And now she's telling you that you shouldn't drive it because it's too dangerous? Well, she's not telling me not to drive it, but she's doing like the mom not saying anything, but you know what she's thinking. Oh, yeah.

Oh, that one. Yeah. Man, I would hate to see anything happen to you, Melissa. Who could hate us as much as you do and be so honest about it? Oh, no. We actually, we get more mail than we need in that area. you, don't we? Yeah, we sure do. Yeah, I would say, enjoy the motor school. No, your mother is really right. They are terribly dangerous, only because you have absolutely no protection. And even if you think

you're a good driver, it doesn't really matter that you're a good driver because no one else is. And they're especially dangerous in inclement weather, which you get a lot of in that neck of the woods. Don't do it. I really don't want you to do it. Man. You can mail it. You can mail it. it to me, though. FedEx will deliver it. Yeah. My brother's looking for a scooter. He'll give you $200 for it. So if I was your daughter, I wouldn't have one? Oh, absolutely not.

If you were my daughter, and I have a 19-year-old daughter minus five years, then she's about the age you were when you first told us how much you hated us. And interestingly, Anna hates, Tommy. Also. Just as much as you did. Oh, more. Maybe more. It's downright vitriolic.

She refers to me as a crazy old man. And that's sort of what you said to us five years ago. Don't drive it, really. Okay. All right. And Melissa, I can't tell you what a pleasure it is to hear from you because it's not. Yeah, nor can I. See you, Melissa.

So long. Bye. Bye. She sounds like a perfectly nice young lady. Yeah, don't let that fool you. 19 years old. Yeah. Pretty good, huh?

A little twerp. Okay, Tommy, do you remember last week's puzzler? Did it have to do with three clams and a martini bar? No, that was the joke that Dad told us. There was no puzzler last week, but we do have some very interesting things to discuss when we come back. Hi, we're back. You're listening to Car Talk with us, Click and Clack the Tappert Brothers, and we're here, of course, to talk about cars, car repair, and the reading, writing, and rhythmic. Well, you could call it that.

We got this from cyberspace, and we think it's stuff that sounds like Richard Letterer's stuff. So we'll give him credit for it, even if he didn't write it. Why not? It's answers that sixth grade kids gave to a history test. This is real answers. This just shows you the quality of education that's going on in this country today. Go ahead. We don't even know.

We don't even know what the questions were, but here's his one answer. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hotee, D-O-N-K-E-H-T-E. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote, Paradise Lost. Then his wife died, and he wrote Paradise Regained. Here's another answer. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the contented Congress.

Thomas Jefferson, a virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Oh, really? A duo actor. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared a horse divided itself cannot stand. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. really like Lawrence Welk like Lawrence Weld he's still dead too

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest precedent P-R-E-C-E-D E-N-T Lincoln's mother died in infancy and was born in a log cabin

which he built with his own hands wow what a guy no one that became president Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children in between he practiced on an old spinster, which he kept up in the attic.

Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. It's like a show. I show three halves. What a guy. He was very long. That's why you have three halves.

You have to admit. I can't help but think that a few of those have been a little contrived. But anyway, if you have something you find amusing or interesting, and you'd like to share it with us, you can mail us stuff at Car Talk Plaza, interesting mail department, box 3,500 Harvard Square, Cambridge. Our Fair City.

Matt 02238. Or you can email us stuff from the Car Talk section of Cars.com. In the meantime, we'll be happy to try to answer questions about your car or anything else you want to discuss. Anything. We haven't done well with the car stuff, so we should branch out a little bit. The number is 1-888-car talk.

That's 888-227-8-255, a lawyer on car talk. Hi, this is Mark from Michigan. How you doing today? Mark from Michigan, alliterative. Mark with a C or a K. That would be with a K. So what's up? I have got a problem with my dog's 1985 Ford Ranger.

Your dogs? Yeah. It belongs to the dog. Cool. Well, all right. If you start it up, it starts up just fine, drive it down the road, let it get warmed up a little bit. About 50, 55 miles an hour, it'll start to shake. And it shakes a little, and then it gets worse, and then it gets worse.

And just about the time Jake thinks he's about ready to fall out of the back, it'll stop. Uh-huh. If you punch the accelerator while it's shaken, it goes away. If you let off the accelerator while it's shaken, it goes away. So let me get this straight. You say you get to 55 and it starts to shake, and you can make it go away by accelerating. Right. Decelebrating.

But when it goes away, can you then get to 55 and have it not shake? Yeah, yeah. Well, for a short period of time, then it starts all over again. So if you take your foot off the gas, it will stop shaking. Yes, sir. And then if you put your foot back on the gas and get back to 55 miles an hour, it will still not be shaking. Is that absolutely true? Yeah, you don't sound too sure about this, Mark.

This is a very, very important question. No, it'll stop, but then it starts up again real slow, and it starts to shake, and it gets worse. Oh, man, this doesn't sound good to me. Yeah. Now, I got about $240 in this truck, so, you know, if... That includes the purchase and the insurance and everything? Everything, and the tank of gas. Yeah, we had to pay for, you know, Jake's kind of a high-risk driver with the paws and everything.

So, you know, he, yeah, but that's about all I got in. I did put new wires and plugs and a new cap and a rotor. It has never shaken while sitting still. No, it doesn't shake while standing still. Well, see, I gather from what you've done to fix it that you are assuming that the shaking is coming from the engine. Yes, sir. Uh, I doubt that. Okay.

And there's one simple way to test it, although it's, it's death defying. Okay. But what the hell? You only got $240 in it. See, I don't, I don't think you should be driving it at all. But if you were crazy enough to drive it, you could easily tell if it was coming from the engine or from something else by throwing it into neutral. Uh-huh. And that sort of takes the engine out of it, takes it down to idle. Uh-huh.

I would say, you know, this is something like an engine miss, which we clearly don't think it is because you tried to fix that and you didn't have any success. And I rule out a bad U-joint because you wouldn't be able to get it to come and go. No. But what can come and go is a bad ball joint. You got it. That's why I don't think you should be driving it. Ah, okay.

If it's doing what it's doing, the ball joint is so worn out that it's ready to break in a second. Oh, my. And when that happens, man, things are going to get so exciting, but for you only for a short time. Yeah. Because you'll be dead. Oh, okay. So that's why I say, I don't think you should drive it. You should immediately.

Oh, you'll wake up on the side of the road with the dog licking your face. Right. Like that hasn't happened before. Right. He's staring up at the sky. And you'll be on the New Jersey turnpike and wonder how you got there. And if it's so bad that it makes the whole truck shake, it's ready to break. Okay.

I'm probably looking at way more than the 240. $40. Oh, yeah. So what, though? I mean, even if it cost you $500, you've got a practically brand new truck. It's only 15 years old for $750,000, under $1,000. Who else can say that? It's not that much out of Jake's inheritance either, you know, if it does break.

Which he's going to get right away if you keep driving. Okay. See you later, Mark. Thank you. Good luck. Good luck. Bye-bye. 1-88-8-8-2-7-82-5.

Hello, you're on car talk. Hi, this is Melissa from Philadelphia. Oh, not another one. We've already had one Melissa. Oh. She was a previous caller, and she was a real pain in the butt. And we tried to get rid of her the last time, and we couldn't. So if you know there's a little edge in our responses to you, it's only because we're still suffering from the first Melissa encounter, and it has nothing personally to do with you.

Okay. Yet. Well, here's the situation. Yeah. I have eight. What do you want? Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I have a 1995. accent. It's an automatic. And my mother drives a 94 Subaru something or another. I religiously use my overdrive button on off 40 miles an hour. She, you know, upon learning that she even had this, it didn't, it didn't sufficiently motivate her to use it. So my question is, what, what benefit am I giving my car that she's not? Or conversely, what damage is she doing? by not using hers at all that I'm not doing. What makes you think that the damage and benefit matrix should be in your favor? Well, I don't think she suggested that.

I think so. You did suggest that. I did suggest that. Oh, you did? I mean, I can seriously feel if I don't turn the button when I break my car bucks a little bit. So it's important to me to use it. And I can feel, you know, that there's pressure when I don't use it correctly.

I can feel the car changing. Well, you're crazy. We should explain to the other. We should explain to our other listener that what Melissa is doing is disengaging and engaging the overdrive and thus either making the car drive with three gears only or allowing it to shift into the fourth gear. I believe this thing is a four-speed automatic transmission. Lucky it has that. So when you're driving around at a speed where it would ordinarily be, can't decide between whether it wants to be in third or fourth gear, you force it to stay in third gear and not go any higher.

If you don't engage the button. Correct. But when you do engage the overdrive button and you go at the right speed, whatever it is for this car, maybe 30 miles an hour or 34 miles an hour, it'll shift to third. And then if you slow down a mile an hour, it'll shift back to third. And you think that that's bad for the car. and mom doesn't do this and she hasn't even noticed that her car does upshift and downshift

maybe because she drives a car that shifts a lot better than yours. Okay. But if you think that it's doing good for your car, then you should continue to do it. I'm going to continue to do it. I know you are

because you sound like a very stubborn individual. I'd like to tell you you're wrong there, but... Yeah, no, I know. I know what your mother already talked to us. Yeah. She just called a few minutes ago. No, I mean, but the overdrive, the only purpose of the overdrive is to get you into a higher gear. Exactly, but in our case, it's only fourth.

Okay. And that, and why do you want to do that? Because you use less fuel. And that's the only thing it does. Okay. Because when you get into the higher speeds, it doesn't take as much energy to keep you moving. So it's really about fuel efficiency. So it's only about fuel efficiency.

So your observation that it does something when you're slowing down below 20 miles an hour is complete nonsense, Melissa. It makes no sense, but if it makes you feel better and justifies what you've done, then you go right ahead and keep thinking it. Thank you. I needed Tom Ray validation. Thank you so much. I love you. Thanks for your help. It's a pleasure to talk to you.

Thanks a lot, Melissa. See you. She's fun. Bye. I liked Melissa, and I would have coffee with her. If she was buying. All right. More calls are coming up after the break, so stick around.

We're back. You're listening to Car Talk with us, Click and Clack, the Tappard Brothers, and we're here to discuss cars, car repair, and a plea for new puzzlers. It's that time of year. You know, summer's over, school's back in session, and I'm waking up at night in a cold sweat, trying to think of new puzzles for the fall puzzler season. Yeah, I gave you one just the other day.

from my pal Gail down in Savannah. I lost it. Did you lose it? What was it about? Oh, it was good, man. You must have stunk. That's why I lost it. Anyway, so if you can help me,

I would be very happy to consider your puzzler's suggestions. No matter how bad they are, I'm desperate. Yeah, and they don't need to be automotive. In fact, we'll take anything. No, in fact, if you have a puzzling. If you have a puzzler about liars and truth tellers, I'd like those, because I usually have about 4,500 of those every year. So if you have one, don't send that one.

Or any letters received from the Pawnee. active vision of General Motors about melting ice cream. Oh, yeah, we don't want that one. We don't want those either. We don't want that either. So other than that, we'll take anything. Good or bad, we'll be the judge, and send your puzzlers to Puzzler Tower, Car Talk Plaza, Box 3,500, Harvard Square, Cambridge, Our Fair City, Matt 02238, or, of course, you can email us your suggestions from the Car Talk section of Cars.com. Yeah. But in the meantime, what? In the meantime, you can call. Call us.

What's the number? I don't know. I'm going to do all the work. You don't know the sticking number? I don't know the number. 1-8-88-car talk. That's 888-227-8-25-5. Hello, you're on car talk.

Hello, this is Jeff from Lincoln, Nebraska. Hi, Jeff from Lincoln, Nebraska. You know, Abraham Lincoln was born there. Yeah, he really was. Continental Drift has actually moved. Well, why do you think they called it Lincoln? Yeah, it must be. So what's up, Jeff?

Well, I don't drive, but apparently I promised my girlfriend I was going to get a driver's license this summer. You did? And so now you guys need to bail me out. How old are you? I'm 25. 25. Yeah. Gee, I mean, why do you not have a license?

Well, mostly I get around on the bus, and other than that, I got a girlfriend to drive me around. Yeah. Okay. Any other reasons that you get a reveal to us? I mean, do you... Well, why should he? I mean... Is he obliged to get a damn license?

No, he doesn't want a license. No, but if you live in the middle of nowhere. I mean, well, that was my question. Evidently, Jeff doesn't want to leave Lincoln, Nebraska. But even if he did, he could take a train or a bus. And the truth of the matter is, you could... It's possible to live without driving. Many of us don't realize it.

Oh, no, it ain't. Yeah, you ain't lived until you've driven. You ain't call it living. it ain't little. Until you've been in an SUV tailgate and somebody. You can make the decision not to drive once you have your license, and I think that's okay and admirable. No, but it's harder.

Jeff, I have to say I'm on your side with this because people don't realize the joys and pleasures and excitement. Of sponging rides. Of public transportation. Public transportation is very interesting. And the rest of us who sit in cars with no one to talk to except the people we talk to on our cell phones, they don't enjoy.

I mean, how many people can you see on a train ride? I mean, how often is it that you get into your car and some burping whino is sitting in the seat next to you? Just about every time. But where else do you have the opportunity to see a burping whino? Or to have a relationship with a burping wino? What if I don't want a relationship with a burping wino? Well, that's the whole thing. People get insulated.

They get in their cars. They insulate themselves from the world. And pretty soon you become very self-centered. And what happens if you use public. transportation is you realize that we're all here together. Well, I'll tell you, it's much, much more interesting and nice. I'll tell you, the times that I ride, that I do ride the public transportation quite a bit, nobody talks to anybody.

Everyone is in its own little world. It's just as bad as being in your own car. You don't have to talk to communicate, man. You don't have to talk. Burping? Burping is good. But you can see people. But they don't want to see you.

They don't want to interact with you. Oh, I don't know. I think we have to use your idea of a. My brother has a brilliant idea because not enough people use public transportation. His contention is that the people who run the public transportation business, subways and buses, especially the subway, which we have here in the city of Boston, they try, they almost make it difficult for you and unpleasant. They took all the fun out of it.

They took all the fun out of it. They sucked the life out of it. Suck the life out of every, out of the train. Like in Washington, D.C., you can't eat a donut. You can't drink a cup of coffee. You can't do anything. You can't spit. You can't smoke a cigar.

My brother thinks that all the public transportation systems should have theme cars. Theme cars. So, theme. So that you could go in the cha-cha car. And there would be bands in there playing people dancing. Xavier Cougat would be right in there. Or you could have the cigar smoking car. You could have, I mean, there's no end to the number of themes that they could come up with

so that people would be fighting. paying hundreds of dollars to get on the train. So I think you are closer to that, Jeff, by not insulating yourself in a car. Stay away from the car. You're right. Stand up for what you think and say, I will not get a driver's license

because I stand against. All right. And if she doesn't like it, tell it it's your way or the highway, so to speak. Yeah, your way or the bus. Thanks for calling, Jeff. Bye, guys. Bye-bye. He goes on the middle of nowhere.

Oh, yeah. He's lost it. Yeah. You ought to have two licenses. One for coming and one for going. One 888 car talk. That's 888-227. Lincoln, Nebraska.

I remember taking the train from Denver. The train was already like two and a half days late in the gut to Denver. My sandwiches are all spoiled and all that. We got on the train. it was an interesting trip because the train moved exactly eight feet and a wheel fell off the baggage car. So they shut everything down

and they bring in a new baggage car. And of course, what? The baggage car, the defunct one, was full of what? Baggage. Baggage. It wasn't full of my baggage. I have my baggage with me.

Everyone else's baggage was in there. I don't think there's any baggage in the baggage car. I think they're smuggling stuff, but that's another story. So they finally do all that And they say, don't worry, folks. We're going to make up this. How can they smuggle?

They're sneaking into Cuba on the back? I don't know where it's going, but there's something sneaky going on there. So they do this trance for it, during which time they come to our little compartment, and they announced that we're going to make up this eight hours of lost time in the night. The trains really go fast because there are no railroad police out at night, and they can make up lost time. Sure. They go 150, 200 miles an hour.

Who knows? They may even sprout wings and fly a little. bit. And I remember the train traveled all night long and through my restless sleep, I awakened a few times to look out into the dark, wondering where I was, figuring that we must be close to Chicago

by now because that's our destination. And I finally wake up sometime mid-morning my stomach growling and I realize that we're in Lincoln, Nebraska. And I looked at the map, Lincoln, Nebraska! It

was pretty sad. Yeah, well, it happens. It does. On the other hand, you could have been in an airplane circling. No, I could have been an airplane, and I could have been home. One in my own living room with my remote control. Well, it's happened again. We've suffered for another hour listening to Car Talk.

Our esteemed producer is Doug the subway fugitive, not a slave to fashion, Berman. Our associate producers are Louis Cronin the Barbarian and David Gang Green. Our engineer is George Hicks. David, we got a name for you right away. Our senior web blackie is Doug the old gray mayor And our technical, spiritual and gastronomic advisor Just back from the Labor Day

Let Them Eat Cakeathon is John Bugsy Lawler Our public opinion pollster is Paul Murky of Merkey Research Assisted by statistician Marjora Our customer care representative is Haywood Jabuzov Our Director of New Product Repair is Warrantee My Foot Our shop form is Luke Busy And our director of Firestone Tyree calls Is Ivana Michelin.

Our student consultant is Norm DeVosolm Plume. Our dermatologist for teenagers is Don Pickett. Our emergency room physician is Henrietta Bad Clam. The Car Talk Musical Director is Donna E. Mobylae. Our senior citizen driving instructor is Tonya Blinkeroff. Our divorce attorney is Carmine Not Yours. Our staff mediator is Sue First. Our Russian chauffeur is beak off and drop off. And our seat cushion tester, of course, is Mike Easter. Our chief counsel from the law firm of Dewey Cheatham and How is U. Louis Dewey. Known to the dormless student sleeping in the Ivy of Harvard Square is U.E. Louis Dewey. Thanks so much for listening. We're clicking Clack the Tappert Brothers. And above all,

don't drive like my brother. And above all, secondly, don't drive like my brother. We'll be back next week. We hope. Bye-bye. And now we have here in the studio, Car Talk Plaza's chief mechanic, Mr. Vincent Kew-Bombats. Vincent? Thank you very much. Now, if you want a copy of this here show, which is number 37, I'm trying to do everything low-key from now on. You can get one on the web. Just head on over to the online store at the Car Talk section of Cars. And what if I wanted something else, Vinny, like our two zeros and zero zero t-shirt or button? Would I go to the same site?

No, you moron. You go to the www. brittany Spears astrophysics review.com. Of course, you go to the same site, the Card Talk section of Cars.com or you'll order by phone. You know, you can call 888 God junk. Thank you, Vinny. That was absolutely fabulous. Hey, absolute this, will you?

Car Talk is a production of Dewey Chewem & Howe and WBUR on Boston. And even though the entire cast of Survivor begs to go back to the island whenever they hear us say it, this is NPR National Public Radio.