The Best of Car Talk - #2663: Martha, Martha, Martha!

Episode Date: August 8, 2026

The “Good Things” Lady meets “Thing One and Thing Two”, as the Doyenne of Domesticity, Martha Stewart brings her talents to this episode of the Best of Car Talk. Support public media with NPR+ and enjoy perks for over 25 podcasts like this one. Car Talk's perks include full archive access, new call-in bonus episodes with Ray, and sponsor-free listening. Learn more at plus.npr.org.See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for sponsorship and to manage your podcast sponsorship preferences.NPR Privacy Policy

Hello and welcome to Car Talk from National Public Radio with us, Click and Clack to Tappert Brothers, and we're broadcasting this week from the Home Economics Division here at Car Talk Plaza. Do you remember a couple of weeks ago we had a guy who called us, the name was Rush Something or other. He left a pound of butter on the dashboard. It melted. It dripped into the heating system. It turned rancid. He wanted to know, how do you get the smell of rancid butter out of the bowels of your Land Rover's heating system? And we got thousands and thousands of calls and letters offering great. suggestions. Well, I think my suggestion

was the best. I said, just at a fire. That would do it. And I'm with you. But we got a lot of real practical suggestions. We don't know if they work. Someone said use Fabriz. Lysol. A cake of Irish spring soap. You cut it in half and it releases the aroma.

She has an cover. In the bar of Irish spring in your hand. It's like taking a shower in Ireland. And a range of products with great sounding names like Odor Exterminator. Good name. Neutrollion. Alpha, and the best one I like the most was

Stinky Be Gone, which is made from pulverized lava rocks. That's sound good, right? Then there was the guy who specialized in getting dead body odors out of cars. Oh, Uncle Fazio rode in? No, no, must be someone else. He's still in hiding in Corsica.

Anyway, this guy recommended leaving like a hubcap full of charcoal briquettes in the car overnight. But a bing, butter bang, you know, the odors gone. Well, we don't know if any of that stuff is going to work, but here's a letter that we thought we ought to read because the discussion of Rancid Butter

apparently brought up some unresolved issues for listeners like Mike Mesma. Here's what he said. In high school advanced chemistry class, we learned the source of the smell that comes from sour milk and rancid butter. It's butyric acid, perhaps the smelliest substance known to man.

We actually had a bottle of this stuff. Hasn't met you. He says, we had a bottle of this stuff in the lab. I took some out and spread it around my homeroom teacher's door on a horrible smell. And Mr. Sisson, if you're listening, I'm sorry for all that I did to you. You want that name again? It's Mike Mazmar who said that. We don't know what to tell Rush, but it just so happens that later on in the show,

we have an expert on such matters who's going to be a guest on this very show. and who else would know these things better than Margaret Stewart. Martha. Martha Stewart. Martha Stewart is actually going to join us and take your questions about rancid butter in your car or anything else that you think that she's qualified to answer, which, as far as I can tell, is everything. Well, including nuclear physics. Is there anything the woman doesn't know?

We're going to find that out. Anyway, if you have a question, you think Martha can help us answer, give us a question. Give us a call at our regular number, which is 1-888-car talk. That's 888-227-8255. And while our staff is busy dacepa-paging the studio in honor of Martha's arrival, we'll take car questions. Right? Yeah, let's do it. We might as well kill some time until she arrives.

It's 1-88-car talk. She's probably... What do you think? She's probably doing right now. She's probably putting tiles where? What would she be tiling? The dashboard of her car. The dashboard of her car.

Exactly, with Mexican tiles. Yeah, the absorbent kind. 1-888-car talk. That's 888-227-8-255. Hello, you're on Car Talk. Hi, this is Johnny Real from Brooklyn, New York. Johnny. Johnny from Brooklyn.

That's me. Now, that's a Brooklyn name, Johnny. It is, isn't it? Yeah. Tony's a Brooklyn name, too. Tony is a Brooklyn. You must have seven or eight neighbors named Tony, right? I haven't met him yet.

I just moved to the neighborhood. Oh, really? Yeah. Well, welcome to New York. that we've ever been there, but it sounds like a nice place. Anyway, what's on your mind, Johnny? Well, I have a 93 Jeep Cherokee sport, and when I'm driving and I turn on the heat,

it makes this horrible sound. And it starts like a high-grown, and it slows down and goes, gr-hr! And it's kind of frightening and unsettling, and people who haven't been in my car. What alerted you that there was something wrong? Now this happens the second you turn on the fan? Well, not the fan.

heat and it's a yeah I might have been driving for a little bit it's when I turn the heat on that happens on your on your dashboard you have a couple of selector knobs one is for temperature one is for where you want the air to come out like the frost feet right and then the other one is for the blower speed right you have any on any one of those a position that says off yes okay so as long as the thing is in the off position you get no noise is that true Well, here's the thing. I'm not sure because it's been so long since I drove without putting it on because it's been so cold. Oh, so you've just endured the noise all winter.

I've had to. I need to get places. And so typically when you turn it on, which knob do you turn to turn on the heat? The one that's now off and you just turn it to heat? Yeah. And everything starts going crazy. Yeah. Yeah, it sounds like you need a blower motor.

Blower motor. Yeah. And quite on it. It's a 93 Cherokee sport. That's the old style one. Yeah. I think it's pretty easy to do. I think it's right under the hood, actually, I believe.

No. It could be. I could be wrong about this. Either it's 20 minutes or four hours. But if you look under the hood, with the hood open and the, you don't have to have the engine running, but you need to turn the key on so that you can turn the blower on. Okay. You will quickly be drawn to the thing that's making the noise.

Really? You'll put your hand on it, I think. And if it isn't there, it's under the dashboard. And usually there are three screws or so holding this blower housing to the firewall. There's a big black plastic cover over it. There may be no cover there, but there's an electric motor that's probably about four inches in diameter. And you'll be able to identify that as the source of the noise. And then you can decide if you want to try to do it yourself.

All right. And if it's under the dash, it might be easy, but it could be hard. And there are some... And you'll puke line on your back down there. It's no good. Yeah, we don't let my brother do these anymore. But that's undoubtedly what you need. Okay.

But now that the summer's coming, you'll need the air conditioning. Yeah. Oh, you're going to fix it because it's the same blower motor. Okay. And, I mean, besides that, there's an inherent danger in having it make this noise? There's a small chance. There's a danger of a fire.

Oh, well, hey. Small chance. So, I mean, I wouldn't use the heater too much. Oh, wow. And I wouldn't wear any rayon clothing. And certainly don't smoke in the car. Oh, you might as well smoke. I don't think I'd be worried about that.

Oh, no smoking, so you'd be able to smell the smoke. Yeah. Yeah, no smoking, Johnny. All right. Get it fixed. I shall send me. Thanks for your call, Johnny. All right, thank you.

Bye-bye. 1-888-8-288-28-28-28-25-5. Hello, you're on car talk. Hello, this is Lynn from Westminster, Colorado. Hi, Lynn, from Westminster, Colorado. Where is Westminster, Colorado? It's about 14 miles northwest of Denver, between Denver and Boulder. I've probably been to Westminster, Colorado, because I've been everywhere, man.

I have. Well, I was probably asleep behind the wheel, but I was there, I think. Anyway, what's going on, Lynn? Well, I have a 94 Ford Taurus with about 96,000 miles, and a couple months ago, it started making this really weird noise. Yeah. And it's kind of a rhythmic, whiny noise that's coming from below. like the steering wheel, and it kind of goes like woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo, you know, and then it'll

increase as your speed increases. So we took the car into the dealers. When you say below the steering wheel, you mean like inside the passenger compartment? It seems like it's coming like from below the dash or down maybe near the pedals or the feet, like that part of the car. Okay, so you took it someplace. Right, we took it to a Ford dealership. Good.

And they said, well, we think it's a loose speedometer head. And it's going to cost you $732 to fix it. And I'm like, oh, you know, this just sounds crazy. So that's why I'm consulting the car gods to see, you know, could this be, I mean, is there such a thing as a speedometer head? And is this something that I should, you know, spend the money or should I just let the noise go even if it's driving me crazy? Let's go back a step. Okay. The noise then is coming from the dashboard.

Yeah, do you believe that? I believe that. She does believe that. I believe that too. That's too bad for you. Yeah, because, I mean, if you really are convinced that it's inside the car, then the speedometer head is certainly something that makes that noise. Okay.

Boy, that's $700, huh? Yeah, I mean, is this something, and is this going to be, is this dangerous? No. Well, it's not dangerous. It's only dangerous if they're wrong. Okay. And the noise is actually coming from someplace else. How about this?

Okay. Tell them to disconnect it. Ah. And see if the noise goes away. Okay. If the noise goes away, then you know what it is. You can either live with the noise or live without a speedometer. If they disconnect it, will the speedometer stop working?

Yeah, correct. Yeah. Okay. And so will the oldometer. Oh, okay. So they may say, oh, no, we can't do that. The law doesn't. And it doesn't, really.

Right. And so if they can't do it, go somewhere else until you find someone sleazy enough. And in the automotive business, that'll be a block away. Okay. See you, Lynn. Great. Thank you. Bye-bye.

1-8-8-8. And if you can't find someone, bring it over here. We'll do it. Call us. We'll tell you how to do it. Okay, Tommy, are you ready for your puzzler hints, man? Ready and willing. Shoot, man.

Okay, the first one's real easy. When anyone asks you to do any work, you show great blank. Initiative. Well, no, I was thinking resistance. Oh, resistance. Okay. Now, name the one thing you are most afraid of. My wife.

All right. and the second thing. I was looking for jumping out of an airport. Ah, that's second to being afraid of my wife. This puzzler was about an American fighter pilot who parachuted out of his plane and was helped by the French resistance. Oh, yeah.

All those of all do love. Hi, we're back. You're listening to Car Talk with us, Click and Clack the Tappert Brothers, and we're here to talk about cars, car repair, and the answer to last week's puzzler. Now, this puzzler was historic, folkloric, cultural, and true, minus the obvious, I think I mentioned, misrepresentations,

obfuscations, and lying. But other than that, it was pretty straightforward. It was pretty much true, I think. Yeah. I have it on good authority. Anyway, this took place during World War II. It seems that a young American fighter pilot had his plane shut up pretty badly. But before it crashed, he managed to parachute out, and he landed in Northwest.

West France, outside a little village, where he's discovered by the townspeople. They have to somehow get him back to his unit in England so he can continue to fly his missions to help liberate France from the grip of the Nazis. Did I put it intriguing in here, too, historic, folklore, cultural? Intriguing. Yeah. Anyway, so they remove all his clothing and discard it, including his shoes, his socks, they destroy his dog tags, even, and they dress him up in typical French garb.

You know, he's got a waist-length woolen jacket, a pair of sabos, a French beret, two or three days, growth of beard. So they make their way to the coast where other members of the resistance will be waiting to get him back to England across the channel. Their last night in France, they stopped a little inn to enjoy a little repast and some cognac. And while there, a group of German soldiers comes in. One of the German soldiers scans the room. He's out of earshot of any of the people sitting at this table, and he points to this person and says, that's the American. How did he know?

Well, all the hints were there. All the, and then so. And then some? I think we call them red herrings. Too many hints. Too many hints? I think this was too easy. But we'll see.

What the German soldier observed is the members of the resistance and there would be a scapee dining. Yeah, repast. And while Americans traditionally cut their meat with the fork in the left hand and the knife in the right, when they go to eat that same cut meat or whatever, they transfer the fork to the right hand. And the Europeans who can't wait to shovel it in don't waste a second and we'll eat with the left hand. So when he saw this person swap. Who looked and smelled like an authentic Frenchman.

Swap Swap the fork to his right hand. Yeah, that was... He was the kiss of death. Kiss of death. Literally. So who's our winner? Wow.

The winner is Stephen Green from Iowa City. Hey, hey, is he related to our Dave Green? I don't know. David. Have you been slipping answers to your relatives in Iowa City? They tried to spell it differently

just to screw us up. Anyway, it's Stephen Green, David's cousin from Iowa City, Iowa, And for having his answer selected at random from the stationway and a full of correct answers that we got, Stephen's going to get a $25 gift certificate to the shameless commerce division, which is at the Car Talk section of Cars.com.

And with that measly $25 gift certificate, Stephen can put a sizable down payment on a car talk roadside survival kit. Sizable down payment, like an eighth. Pretty good. Hey, usually we'd have a new puzzler coming up in the third half of the show today, but this week we gave the puzzler a much dismaler

deserved week off. And that's too bad because that means the Puzzler won't get to meet who? Martha Stewart. Indeed. Well, that was the idea, actually. I guess you wouldn't want Martha meeting the Puzzler in the broken bitter mood he's been in. Hey, by the way, I did want to mention, the Puzzler does have 911 accrued sick days. No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no. The Puzzler, is the Puzzler an employee or a contract laborer? Wait. Because the Puzzler has taken some well-deserved vacations. Vacations! That's what Puzzler takes every summer off. All right.

Hiatuses. Sabaticals. Whatever. What is this? An academic institution? We don't give sabbaticals. Everyone gets sick days. The Puzzler has not called in sick once in 23 years.

Well, that is true. Pretty good record. That is true. Time to cash it in, baby. That means he can retire three years early. Okay. In the meantime, if you have a question about your car, the number is 888 car talk. That's 888-227-8-8-25-5.

Hello, you're on Car Talk. Hi, guys. Hi, who's this? This is Thor from Spokane. Four? Thor, T-H-O-R. God of Funder. That's right.

Good grief. Four. So how did you wind up with a name like Thor, or did you pick this name for yourself? I guess when I was in utero, my parents were passed by a very small child on the street, who turned to say something to his mother who was behind them. and he said something like, Oh, be there in a minute, Bob. And they said, this sounds like the voice of Thor.

And his rumor would have it, that was when I kicked or punched or something. My mother from the inside, and she said that that would be my name. Also, there was obviously some kind of cosmic connection made right at that instant. Yeah, yeah, either that or they say that it was named after a comic book. Which your father was reading. So what's up for?

So I have a 1996 Subaru Legacy Wagon, and it's doing this thing when I either turn it really sharply or when I drive over sort of bad pavement. And it's what it does is it's kind of clunking up in the front end, and it's kind of making these grinding clunking sounds. A grinding clunking sound. Yeah, it's kind of like what it does is kind of like a kind of like as it goes around the corner. And when you're going straight ahead? When I'm going straight ahead, when I just drove it across from Seattle to Spokane,

which is a distance of about 300 miles yesterday, and I didn't notice anything? Nothing. No vibration in the steering wheel at any speed? Well, I occasionally do feel vibration at about, you know, 60-ish miles an hour, something like that. And it kind of, if I'm turning in a bumpy, you know, thing, what I've noticed is that it feels like the car,

if I'm turning left, it feels like a car slides right or something like that. So this is beginning to worry you, huh, Thor? Yeah, it's beginning to make me think that it's going to be very... And yet, you haven't, you haven't taken it to anyone. No, and I haven't. I haven't. I got you guys are the first guys I called. Grief. Well, okay. But what do you feel? But what do you... I feel a little chill, actually. Is anyone have a sweater out there? Well, I've been trying to be your car, you know?

Okay. And I feel control arm bushings. That's what I feel. Yeah? I could feel ball joints. It would be better if you felt a chill. Ball joints. Even worse.

Well, I have, I think... What do you feel? I feel that you have a broken anti-sway bar link. And that too. Sway bar link. No, no, I'm not even sure you have a sway bar. But if you have... It's actually anti-sway bar.

It's an anti-sway bar link. And I have to say that if you had one... Yes. The symptoms would fit it perfectly. Okay. Because what the anti-sway bar does is it prevents the car from leaning too far in the direction it wants to lean when you take a turn. Okay, okay. Now, the inevitable question.

What am I out for this? Well, what do you think? It's cheap. It's cheap? Yeah. Oh, yeah, it's cheap. This is the greatest news. But if it's a ball joint, which I have to say, although the probability is low, that it's a ball joint, it's not zero.

Okay. And if it's a ball joint, you're close to death. Oh, gosh. See? So you might want to live it up this weekend. Yeah, don't worry. Yeah. So, I mean, you're really on it.

I mean, it would be good, if you're not going to get it fixed, at least have someone look at it. Okay. Good luck, man. Well, thanks very much. Thanks for your call. You bet. Bye-bye. Hey, Tommy, we need to take a break because we're about to enter another dimension here.

Really? Which one? Time? No. Space? No. Martha. We'll be back with our special guest, Martha.

Stewart, who will take your calls with us. We're back. You're listening to Car Talk with us, click and clack the Tappet Brothers, and we're here to talk about cars, car repair, and the proper way to embroider a T-cozy for your catalytic converter. We are pleased and shocked to welcome our dear friend to Car Talk Plaza, the one and only Margaret, I mean Martha Stewart. Margaret! How are you?

I am very well, and I'm very happy to be here. We are, we really are shocked. The truth of the matter is that you know answers that we could never know. And we keep getting these questions and we say, what are we, Martha Stewart? And we don't have to be anymore. I think that's what started all. And then my daughter Alexis emailed you guys to tell you to make fun of me in person. Yes, she did.

And she goaded us into having you on our show. And we're going to put you to the test today. We're going to have some people call up and ask questions about various things. You'll notice that we brought in a, this is a source. Shefflera plant. Oh, yes. And see, you even know the name. It's a Schifera.

Yes. One of those. My brother stole it from the lobby of the building. Well, I didn't steal it, actually. I just borrowed it. Those ubiquitous house plants that don't really do too well in cars, actually. No, they don't, but they're hard to kill, I've noticed. They are.

I've got plants that grow in my car. Oh, yes? Like what? Well, when you park a convertible under a tree, stuff falls from the tree into the car. So maple trees and chestnut trees sort of sprout up in the cracks? What do I know, trees? Trees. You can't really tell

that they get Do they become adults? And then stuff would actually sprout and start growing in the back seat. Do you ever put the top up? We can't anymore. The two are two tall. 1-888-227-8255.

That's 1-88-T-cozy. No, it's not. 1-8-8-car talk. Hello, you're on car talk. Hi, this is Mark from San Francisco. Hi, Mark. I drive a 1999 Chevy Tahoe, and I have three dogs, which I take to work with me every day. Plus, as part of my business, I transport other dogs.

The net result is I have dogs in my car every day of the year, which means my car really, really reeks of dog. There's a layer of crusted drool on all the windows with those and covered different highlights. Crusted drool. I like that, too. And there's dog hair everywhere. Even after a professional car wash with the $3 extra for the added air freshener, my car still stinks. What do I do? Now, if you weren't here, Martha.

Right. We would attempt an answer at this. See, we know nothing about it. We don't know. We have dogs, but what do we know about hair and especially? Well, I have three dogs and eight cats, and I put old bathroom towels, big bath towels on the seats. and on the backs of the seats, and on the floor where the dogs sit. Of course, good idea.

And then you just take them out after the trip, you wash them, you put them back. And so that gets the stink, and the rest of the car doesn't get the stink. And I also love to drive with the windows down when the dogs are in the car. And now if they're going to jump out the windows, I have leashes on them, and they're attached. They're like, hang on the road. No, no, no. They're bouncing along down the road. That's nice.

No, no. They are attached to the seat belts, because, but my dogs are very well. behaved and they don't jump out the windows. I'll bet they are. But what about the crusted drool? I mean, well, I think that, you know, rolling down the windows is a good idea, first of all. And then I think that a wipe-up would be a really good thing after each ride. You just have to. What's a wipe-up? A wipe-up. You have a damp cloth and you wipe up. That's pretty self-explanatory. It's similar to a rub down. The opposite. You wipe up. You're going to do it. In other words, you've got to do it quickly. Although, because once it get crusted.

And always. And always. Every day. Yeah, I think it's the encrustation. Yeah, I don't think, Mark, you're still there? Yeah, I'm still here. I don't think, I get the sense that you're not willing to be that diligent about it. No, I suspect not. But what do I do now that the smell is already there?

Well, air freshener will not do you any good whatsoever. In fact, I find air fresheners really depressing. Yeah, because they smell bad. They're worse than smell. It reminds me of funeral parlors. Yeah, but they're also unhealthy, I think. Exactly. Oh, I think they're really.

real unhealthy to breathe, so I wouldn't do it for the dog's sake, and I wouldn't do it for my own sake. I just, I will not go into cars that have air fresheners. But my wife has banned me from putting our triplets in this car. I don't blame her. So, I mean, I need to figure out something, Martha. Get another car for the triplets. That's the easy answer. Come on, that's something we would have told.

And wash the car. Just wash it down, inside and out. One really good washing and see if that's... And use the towels and blankets. Yes, definitely. I like that idea. Bake a few apple pies in the car. You get a finger at lighter attachment.

There you go. Hey, thanks for calling, Mark. Thank you. Bye. Bye. 1-888-88-car talk. That's 888-227-8-255. Hello, you're on car talk with Martha Stewart.

Outstanding. Oh, standing is right. Pretty good, huh? Pretty good. This is Naomi calling from Chicago. Hi, Naomi. Hi, Naomi. Here's my difficulty.

Somebody wrote on my car an indelible marker. How do I get it off without ruining the finish of the car? Wait a minute. Now, these questions seem to be like hints for Heloise questions. You're not a hint for Heloise person. I mean, you're No, but I'll tell her... You're... You're... You're...

You're tiling your dashboard with Mexican tiles. That's what you do. I will tell her what not to do. That's good enough. Yeah. Yeah. I had a really beautiful 1959, Mercedes. When I first got married, it was my husband's college car, and it was really beautiful, pale, yellow, that really nice yellow creamy one. And we parked it under a tree, sap dripped all over it, and I knowing nothing, and never having had a Mercedes in my life. That's because you didn't know Martha Stewart then.

That's right. I took to it with Brillo and Ajax. Ah. Oh, that's good. That's exactly what we were going to recommend, Naomi. No, I like my car. Yeah, don't do that. I'm telling you, don't do that.

My brother's fallback position is always fire. There are solvents that take away the wonderful writing of those lovely Sharpie pens. Okay. Oh, there are. Oh, sure, there are. And go to the art store where they sell the Sharpies, the stationary store, and ask them for the appropriate solvent. Oh, the antidote. Really quickly wipe it on.

and then really quickly put on one of your nice little waxes, car waxes, and it'll be just as good as new. Okay. What pre-tell did they write on your car? Well, you see, I teach... Is this something you can say on the air? It actually is, yes. Okay. I teach in a public middle school.

In which case, we're not interested. But, no, I think that's where it happened, you see. I can't prove it, but somebody wrote the letter F on the back of my car. Oh. It's one giant letter? It's pretty large. What kind of a car do you have? I have a cranberry red 1991 Ford Escort.

And you're worried about a little writing on it? I love my car, guys. Come on. But the writing may add to the aura. I don't think so. I know what she's talking about. Get the solvent. Get that off there right away. Yes, ma'am.

Thank you very much. Hey, thanks for calling Naomi. Thanks very much, guys. Thanks, Martha. Bye, bye, bye. I love this, too. Martha does all the heavy lifting. We just give up the number.

And she probably knows the right answers. Of course, how would we know? How would you know? She might be just as full of baloney as we are. She thinks we know the right answers out of the car. We are known as trusted authority for the home. Oh, yeah? And that's...

Who's we? You? We, Martha Stewart. Everyone at Martha Stewart living. There are two of you. I knew you weren't the real one. We're the Martha Stewart look alike. 1-8-88 car talk.

That's 1-88-227-8-25-5. Although you're on Car Talk with Click and Clack and Martha Stewart. Hi, my name is Chuck, and I'm from Wilmore, Kentucky. Hi, Chuck. Hi, and this question is for all three of you, and it's a three-part question. No, we're off duty. But go ahead. As an occasional wedding guest, I am sometimes asked to help decorate the getaway car.

could you give some suggestions for decorating materials or strategies that are, A, festive, but not destructive, B, distinctive, as in what's the right way to form a shaving cream rosette, and C, reusable. For example, is there a table decoration one could make from rice, balloons, toilet paper, and Vaseline? Hey. Anyway, they write these down rice, toilet paper, Vaseline, and balloons. and balloons. So we want to make something that's festive, distinctive, and out of reusable products. That's pretty hard.

The reusable part's the hard part. Especially the shaving cream. Yeah. Well, yeah, shaving cream, cray paper. What I like to do for, and we, you know, we publish weddings, so we have to do a lot at car decorating. Yes. How many magazines have you got going now?

Well, basically, Martha Stewart Living, 12 times a year. We have, and full of good things and good ideas and time-saving. as well as time expending ideas. We have weddings, which comes out four times a year. Hang on there, Chuck. Don't go away. This won't take too long. We have special issues for holidays and for baby and kids and those kinds of ideas.

But as far as decorating the car goes, there are nice things you can do, but none of them really fit all those categories. I mean, you can do the crate paper with the old shoes hanging off the back, but then you litter up the street and some people might get mad at you. So it's nice.

Balloons are nice, but again, you have to worry about if you put those helium balloons on the back of the car, that they'll go up into the trees, and then the birds are going to eat them and choke to death. So it's kind of nice maybe like brown paper bags that'll be dragged along the back and drop rice or puffed weed or something on the road so that something can eat it. Now, I heard that rice isn't used at weddings anymore because it, in fact, is fatal to birds. Raw rice is really difficult for a bird to, and raw pasta, it's really bad for birds. So you have to think of things like, that's why I'm saying puffed rice or puffed wheat, because they can eat that. Or you can even do real bird seed, which would be even better.

But then you have to worry about letting it fall in the road, and then the birds come down into the road, and then they get run over. So. It's better not to get married at all. I found that to be true a couple of times. I think what we... Maybe I'm maybe. through it just as soon as I could hope. So to be very practical,

I would suggest other things like use a jet ski to go away. And go off into the sunset on the water. Or sail away or get on a train. You know, make the vehicle more exciting than the noise in the clank and the tin cans and the old shoes.

That's passee. I mean, the tin cans in the old shoes. Well, no, it's not really passe. I think it's kind of fun. When I got married, they didn't have to tie the tin cans to my car. It already sounded like the tin can hadn't been invented. You know, papyrus scrolls tied to them. So I'd apply for another job if I were you.

Good luck, Chuck. Okay, well, thanks. Thanks for calling. Bye. But I like the idea of going away on a sailboater or... Oh, the nicest get-away was... was really the jet ski thing. The jet ski is cute.

In the gown, the whole thing just zoomed away. Oh, right on the... I love it. What I like more about this was all the little magazine-y things that you're doing, making a ton of money. Oh, well. Give us some guidance. Yeah, we need some hints.

We're slaving away over these hot microphones. But I do a radio show, too, and you know what? You do. I do. I have a little 90-second thing every day called Ask Martha, and that's the funnest thing I do. Yeah, because you can do it naked. Well, you can.

I always say, I can go in my pajamas and do it, you know? Well, I hope you appreciate the fact that we did get dressed up today. I mean, usually we do the show in our jammies. Well, you look really neat. I don't know if you're, I don't know if all your listeners know what you look like, but the guys are actually real cute girls. They're really cute.

Yeah. Well, we've told them that already. But they saw us once. But they need to know from another woman. Oh, yes, indeed. 1-888-car talk. That's 888-227-8-8-2-4. 55, a lawyer on car talk with Martha Stewart.

Hi, my name is Roland. I'm calling from Las Vegas, and my question for Martha is, how long should I drive my 1988 Nissan Centra with a whole chicken wrapped in aluminum foil sitting on the intake manifold before I can consider it done? Is that a live chicken or a dead chicken? In this case, it would be a dead one. Is it already cooked from the barbecue store? Oh, no. No.

You're cooking it. I am cooking it. What he's referring to is a few years ago, maybe more, a couple of guys wrote a book called Manifold Destiny. Have you heard of it? I've heard of it. And which they had a cookbook, in fact, in which they gave you the times for cooking various things. It's like washing lettuce in the washing, you know, machine. But doing your dishes in the shower.

Right. But a whole chicken. But you know what worries me about that is the aluminum foil. Really? I don't cook an aluminum foil. Damn, she knows everything. Why? What's what?

Well, if you're not allowed to cook an aluminum pots and pans, because, you know, all that threat, all the, all the scares about Alzheimer's and aluminum, why cook an aluminum foil? Oh, you're absolutely right, though. See? So you have to worry about stuff like that. So without aluminum foil, Roland, you're cooked, so to speak, or un-cooked. No, you could do. You can use aluminum foil in a certain way, but you have to wrap the chicken first, like in

parchment paper. Oh, I see. So which you have to make yourself in the bathtub. Right. Right. So the aluminum foil isn't actually touch the chicken. That's right. Just along it, you can use foil all you want,

as long as it doesn't touch the food. I never let it touch the surface of my food. And the parchment, the Mata Stewart parchment, what's that? Like a buck of foot or something like that? Less than that. A few cents. A few cents. A few cents a foot.

And it only comes in a thousand foot rolls. But some of your neighbors and friends, you know. Everyone needs parchment. They just don't know it. You got it. I always suggest that you buy the big box of 400 sheets and share it with your friends. You're right. And you'll never know.

you may be called upon by a local high school to do some diplomas or something. In the spare time. Yeah, a little calligraphy. But also, we need to address the cooking time. The time. And you need to have a thermometer on hand so you can periodically, I would imagine, pull over. I'd say from Las Vegas to maybe Chicago.

Oh, no, you're kidding? You're going to go a horse in that distance. I think maybe just Las Vegas to, like, maybe L.A. Oh, sure. Springs, Palm Springs. You'll have a really good cooked chicken. Split it in half, though, first. Before you, don't do it whole. Just split it in half. It cooks faster. You won't even recognize it when it's done.

And then refer to the former call about the dog smell in the car. You're right. How do you get the chicken smell? Oh, you know, you will never get that smell out of your car either. Chicken smell worse than that. Why do you want to cook on the manifold? Is this like a lifelong dream? Well, I figure burgers would be a little messy and I'd have to pull over to flip them.

Hey, good luck on your way to Palm Springs. All right, thanks. Thanks for calling. See you, Roland. Bye-bye. Well, it's happened again. You've underutilized another perfectly good hour listening to Car Talk. Her time went by so quickly.

Our esteemed producer is Doug the subway fugitive, not a slave to fashion. Cute, cute, cute. Where did that come from? Bongo Boy, Berman, our associate producers, our Louis Cree. Cronin the Barbarian, and David Berman, you picked a fine time to leave me green. Our engineer this week is Michael, the world according to Garth. Our senior weblacky is Doug the old gray mayor, aka Snitchie, and our technical, spiritual and menu advisor, just back from his photo finish,

at the Coeur d'Alene Tater Tart's Toss is John Bugsy Lawler. Our public opinion pollster is Paul Murky of Merkey Research, assisted by statistician Marge and Overa. Our customer care representative is Haywood Jabuzov, The manager of our weekly shrimp buffet is Sheldon Devane. Our employee refrigerator monitor is Carmen Dating. Tom's personal hygiene coach is Haseen Bineasy. Dougie's living fashion improvement coach is Noah Vale.

Our staff butler from the Mumbai division is Mahatma coat. Our wardrobe consultant is naturally attired. And as always, Mr. Gigi does our hair. Our chief counselor from the law firm of Dewey Cheatham and Howe is Uluis Stuy, known to the housewives with glue guns, camped outside of, office in Harvard Square as Ui Louie Dewey. Thank you, Martha Stewart, for joining us. Thanks so much for listening.

We're clicking clacks to Tappert Brothers. And remember, don't drive like my brother. And remember, don't drive like my brother. And don't use an oil filter to sift your pastry flour. We'll be back next week. Bye-bye. Car Talk is a production of Dewee Cheatham and Howe and WBUR in Boston. And even though Sylvia Pugioly orders a coordinated Kevlar,

and Pith Helmet, whenever she, She hears me say it. This is NPR National Public Radio.