The Besties - Besties Battle Bracket: Best Bathroom Game (Patreon Bonus)

Episode Date: January 2, 2026

A holiday bonus, it's our most voted-on episode from the Patreon feed. Everybody needs a little video game break now and then. Amidst the chaos of modern life, the most reliable, universal sanctuary is the humble bathroom. So, with today's bracket, we want to help you make the most of your precious toilet time. Because when it comes to #2, you deserve #1. Get the full list of games (and other stuff) discussed at www.besties.fan. Want more episodes? Join us at patreon.com/thebesties for three bonus episodes each month!

Hey everyone, we are actually on break this week, but we wanted to give you a little bit of a gift, a nice little present. Actually, this comes from the members of the Patreon. They've given you a gift because they voted on. This is a big gift. This is the gift that you pull out. It was hiding behind the chair.

It wasn't even under the tree. You know, it's that gift. It's the reason for the season. It is. And it is a free bracket episode. It was the bracket episode that was, voted on by the members of the Patreon they thought y'all

the greater besties community and I don't mean I mean the size-wise not necessarily literally greater wanted to hear in the hole just keep digging that hole yeah the Patreon community referred to it as Pearls Before Swine that is how they referred to it

so many it's fire and ice over there man gobble it up piggy's that's what they said they said gobble it up all pigies if you want to join by the way listen something's cooking over there I don't love all of it. Obviously, the energy inside the Patreon is wild, but you should get in there.

It might just be you, Justin. I think you are reading into that community. I keep trying to start fights. I want to have my own sort of. They seem so nice, but... I just want to start drama. I know. I don't know people outside the Patreon know about Justin's bot army.

Yeah, oh, man, they're so fun. They are so fun. I hired them because AI took over all the bot jobs. So hiring bots. I'm giving them a nice place to work. um thanks bots you can go over to patreon.com slash the besties if you have any interest in a monthly bracket episodes we also buy monthly resties episodes and hey if you have a besties fan in your life and you want to get them a nice gift you can go to patreon.com slash the besties slash gift and you can actually gift them a subscription to the show which is cool anyway enjoy this episode can we make a promise and i i've i wish i didn't have to say this, but this is like, this is the podcast where the text thread sometimes I get pictures of somebody's ear mess or somebody's big toenail. If we could just try to not get too in the weeds

about this shameful stuff that happens in the bad. Like when you make dirt, like I don't really want to get really deep. And I feel like I'm being 100% serious and that we'll lose, we will lose people. These are the special episodes that go right to the patrons and we don't want to say thank you for your support. Now listen as Russ describes his latest bowel movement. Right. We want to take the toilet. Yeah. We want to take the toil out of toilet time is what you're saying. Yeah. Why don't we just go the British way and call it the water closet? Because that nothing, a great first start. Nothing bad. Great. I'm less concerned about terminology. Lou. Lou. Best ludo. Like, because it's L-U-D-O, but it's also L-O-O-D-O.

That's cool. It's like a game. And it could be, but not L-E-W-D-O. That's not L-E-W-D-O. What about best play pal for the Pooh Palace? So I'm, Chris, and I don't want to name names, but you are the one I am most concerned about and the one I am kind of indirectly calling out here. And I will actually, before we go on, need a signed affidavit from you saying that you're

going to be on your sort of your best behavior. Better behavior. Yes. Better at least. No, I'm gonna, I'm gonna give a shit this time. Yeah, again, like this is the stuff, like it's making me more concerned, like more worried, 100% serious concerned that people are going to leave and stop supporting us. I know we don't normally edit, like, for like censored stuff where we like beeps things out,

but I would say like maybe if there's anything that gets profoundly gross, it's just going to get a beep, right? Yeah, and this isn't a live show, but maybe like a tape delay, like a 30 second tape delay. Just like cover our bases Just so we know that we're being safe We're being smart Everybody does it We just don't need to talk about it And I don't want you to hide your light

Under a bushel, Chris I would never have to talk about it Right now though We do need to talk about it for the podcast right We've pledged to talk about it It's like there's a chair in a room And you're just sitting in the chair Yeah

It's a wet room No more Turd is the word I heard And that'll be the last and that's the last one. And that's the last one. And I'm done.

And I'm good. This is, it's heartbreaking that the episode hasn't started. And I'm already tied. I'm already like tied. My name is just a macar and I know the best game. I'm introducing this show in self-defense. My name is Griffin McRoy. I know the best game of the Wii.

My name is Christopher Thomas Plant and I know the best game to play on the toilet. My name is Russ Frustick and I know the best game of the week. Welcome to the besties where we talk about the latest and greatest in home interactive entertainment, but I don't need to tell you that because you're a patron. You know what you're getting into with this. You know what you're here for. You're here to hear the world's best friends tell you the best games to play on the toilet

the toilet the loom the crapper the john he was a guy so you're in the danger zone we're uh

which rubric are we gonna be using for this which pubrick oh i can't wait now I'm done that was the one that I got to do that was the one everybody gets one

but the difference between you would be played is taste class elegance you know what I mean it's gotta be like yeah If you can't imagine it being said by someone with a martini glass at their lips and an olive popping out of their mouth, then it's not a good poop joke, you know. Russ, I want to hear what you've devised here, because I have enormous umbrage with at least one of these topics.

Yeah, I kind of strained to come up with some good rubrics for this. No. Wait, did you strain? We're better than this. It'll normalize. Once we get it out of our system, listener, it'll normalize. It just needs to get out of our sergeant pepper. Okay, here's what I came up with, and I'm open to workshopping.

Rubik A, which game is more conducive to toilet time? So this could include, like, you know, maybe it's convenient to hold the device, or maybe it's a short game that goes, you know, quickly. This is great. We have no problem with this, Russ. Obviously, this is not the problem actor in this particular situation. I will say, though, the first one is hugely subjective. I mean, to a point where I don't even think it's useful.

I mean, we're going to get even more subjective in a second. Which game makes you want to use the toilet more? Now, that's crazy. Like, it's harmless, it's benign, but it's crazy. We have to start with more. Do you mean which one most increases your desire to use the toilet? Or do you mean which one is like, linger longer? It's a little bit more toilet time for me.

Is that what you mean? Like poop for more time? Or increases the desire? desired he's the toilet. I'm worried because it might conflict with the tiebreaker. The tiebreaker is not going to stay, so don't worry about the tiebreaker. Don't worry about it. Because the tiebreaker is not funny. So there's a problem. I don't mind which game makes you

go to the, want to go to the toilet more because it could mean a lot of things. And again, I don't think we're, we should shy away from these kind of abstract interpretive ideas. Okay. Great. The third one. I mean, the third one is more a health concern. Okay. Say it. it's what I wrote down was which game will result in hemorrhoids and is therefore the loser of this round crazy so this was a big concern in googling like what's toilet games a lot of there's a lot of people who feel very strongly that you shouldn't because you'll get hemorrhoids and my question is what game are you guys fucking playing that is are you playing are you playing dark dark

and just like really freaking about it like what's your the problem is like it's the time it's the It's the amount of time. The idea is that the longer you're on the toilet using the potty, you're increasing the amount of time that you are damaging the inner lining there, right? So, too good. If the game's too fun. Yes. Really, 10 to 15 minutes is the medical window. You don't want to be on it more than that.

15 minutes? I'm in there watching an adventure time? What? I like that. What's happening? Y'all are saying this, and wait until we get into some of these games, I know that y'all are playing. Underwell. I know that you're all digging that Marvel Snap for longer than you would like to.

I would like to discuss one of the optional rubrics here is which game would you be less ashamed to be discovered playing on the toilet? And I love that as a rubric. I love that as a tiebreaker. I think that that is really, really, really strong because obviously someone walking in on me on the toilet is one of my great fears and I don't need it to be made worse

because I am playing a game where like the anime girl horse racing game there's certain games that would be a bat sort of a bad one. I'm just a little worried because I don't think in looking at the final list I don't think there's a lot of games on here that would necessarily be shameful to be caught. Oh yeah it's not so much shameful

it's that some are less shameful than others. Some are less shameful objectively than others. If you know Steffie comes into the bathroom because I left the door unlocked and I'm playing chess she might be like, oh, an erudite boy, you know, she might be impressed. Okay, fair enough. If you're playing Gynchin Impact, that would not go. Yeah, not on the list for what's worth, but yes.

Okay, okay, okay, I'm fine switching it up. So, we have. Yes. Which game is more conducive to toilet time? We agree that that one should stay. That's our number one. Yeah. Great.

And that's more of like everything around the game. So then. Not necessarily. I think it's also aspects of the game itself being like a quick game to play Yeah sorry sorry I mean like the game

The game itself The fun of the game I feel like that's maybe the second question Which game makes you want to toilet more Yeah Right That's like the games are so fun I don't know about using toilet as a verb

But yeah Yeah I want a toilet more And then what was the type writer? I can't say the words I want to use So I'm trying to play by your rules You're right You know Himmed him in

Yeah, geez, you did hem me in. That's great. Okay, I feel good about this. Are we good with this? Yeah, I love it. Let's do it. Okay. Let's do it.

Okay. So I have broken these up into some rounds that somewhat makes sense. Should I give? No, I'm just going to go right into it. I'm not going to give the full 16. You'll get the full 16. Yeah, we'll go right. You'll hear them when you hear them.

Round one begins with the card games, Bellatro versus Marvel. snap and this is a straight up brawl right from the top brutal brutal from the start i've played more marvel snap on the toilet than belotro but i've played considerably more belotro than marvel snap so this is a certain event diagram is a little bit maybe maybe i should put it this way i've only played marvel snap on the toilet and belotro can be enjoyed anywhere anytime but marvel snap almost seems designed um i i think belotro is the better game but i do think i could make a kid for Marvel Snap being the better the potty game. Marvel Snap, it's like they

QAid it with a toilet in mind. Yeah, I think they definitely definitely do. The actual timing of a round of Marvel Staff and your like path to satisfaction, you're going to get that during. It falls definitely within the medically, what I'm just learning medically agreed upon

safe bathroom window. You can get through a round of that in five minutes. I would like to, I want to fold something into toilet appropriateness. Sure. I would not want to see people in my day-to-day life necessarily watching me control my different spider-men's to fight the Green Goblins. Like, I would not necessarily, that may be for me a little more conducive to toilet time. In my day-to-day life running around, I don't care to be playing a sort of like classy poker, sort of like, oh, look at him, a thinking man's poker.

Well, we're in a third, third rubric now, right? No, no, we're in both. This is very interesting. What you're saying. I don't want to play that public. There's games I won't play out. There's kind of a conflict. Between one and three. That sometimes there are games that, yeah, you would be more embarrassed for them to be walked in on,

but they're kind of nice to do in the dark private recesses of the toilet. It's unlikely that you're going to be walked in on, but you would be seen in public playing them. Yeah. There's a lot of things happening in there you don't want to be walked in on. You know what I mean? It's the bathroom. I don't think we want to assume that that's going to happen. Can I make the case for Marvel Snap?

And then someone make the case for Belmontio. Sure. Okay. She's my case for Marvel Snap. First of all, more appropriate for the toilet, I'm going to say two words, and this is going to, I think, come up a lot, and I think it's going to, for me, it's going to be a huge, huge selling point for a... Anal Fissures. No. I'm sorry.

Portrait mode. Portrait mode. Belatra is great. It's going to come up a lot. Marvel Snap, portrait mode. One hand is doing Spider-Man stuff. The other hand is doing whatever it needs to do to get me in and out of that. that great room as fast as is possible.

Talking about short games, talking about grinding out levels and season packs going through. Little dopamine hits, boop, boop, bo, bo, bo, bo. We're going to talk a lot about a lot of phone games because they're built around this sort of loop, generally speaking.

And I think, uh, Balatro, obviously, better game. I don't remember for it was our game of the year, but it was way, way up there. But man, Marvel Snap. That's a toilet game made for toilet users. I feel like, yeah, 100%. I could definitely, I would say half the time when I finish the game in Marvel Snap,

and it has been a while since I played, but I don't think that should be germane to this. I will say about half the time I finish around that, and I think, fuck this game. I'm never playing this again. I'm done. And then about an hour later, I'd be like, oh, what's happened on Marvel Snap?

But I don't feel that way with Balatra. Belatra, I'm like, I got to do it again. I can do better. And it's 30 minutes, right? Like, I'm way deep into it. Marvel Snap gives you a nice shove away. They don't want, like, you forgot how mad this makes you. Okay, go away.

Yeah, it is interesting because Bellatra, you can quit, theoretically. You can quit at any time. You could, the saving mid-round, you don't have to do a full run, but the momentum of round-to-round and your fear, whether this is true or not, that you're going to forget what sort of run you were doing does encourage you. That's not a fear for me. That's a guarantee. It does encourage that you're going to prolong the effort.

I think the thing Bellatra's got going to go. for it is it is one of the more sort of compelling games that has come out in the last decade one of the games where I've had the most like oops it's 1 a.m. And I've been playing balacho this whole time. I've played it so much on so many different systems. If it was portrait mode, I think maybe you could you could make the argument. But for me, this is not what's the most compelling, most addictive game it is what's the best sort of bathroom experience and for me i i i think marvel snap takes it but can we go to the rubric sure which game is more conducive to toilet time i would definitely agree that marvel snap is more conducive to toilet time portrait man short short form

which game makes you want to go to the toilet more i'll speak for myself it's probably balatro because toilet bala trotro i think it's marvel snap here because balatro just i want to go play it wherever I want to go play it on my I want to go play it on my laptop Where do I want to go play Marvel Snap? I want to go play it on the toilet On the toilet

Secret and safe If I'm playing that Elsewhere It's like I could be doing something else Right now Yeah Okay Yeah no I

It's Marvel Snap I'm shocking myself But I really think it's Marvel Snap I know I think Way way way worse game Than Balatro No argument But better on the potty

Better on the potty I think it's better when it comes to the camera I think we're right All right cool I feel good about that. This is good. I think I'm feeling very good with the rubric that you set here. That's positive so far.

It's taken us through this. We got there. Okay. Next up, we have Tetris versus Chess at Chess.com. Tetris versus Chess.com is huge. I am so happy about this showdown. Tetris versus Chess.com is one of the funniest things I've ever heard. The idea that Chess would hear about Tetris and then be like,

oh yeah well check this out chess dot com and tetris is like fuck he's got me he came back around now chess is the futuristic one he's got a dot com go to tetris dot com you just get hacked by russians yeah griffin how griffin talk to talk to me about chess dot com something that yeah i put chess dot com is an app yeah it's chess dot com as an app and i've been a subscriber to it for for years now and i will go what do you get with the subscription The night? Yeah, you get the night. No, I mean, you get like...

Hey, Russ, trust me. Griffin's right on this one. Don't go too far out in the limb, man. You might find it wobbling. You're going to fall out the tree entirely. It is, when you are a subscriber, it gives you access to lessons. It gives you access to, like, video training from, you know, the professionals. And the lessons are, like, wild because they go from, you know, fundamentals to advanced

concepts to like if you just want to learn different openings and you can go down like a pathway where you learn oh today I'm just going to learn all about the Rui Lopez opening or whatever but uh what does it for me twofold one asynchronous chess games it's perfect to sit down and in the span of 10 to 15 medically approved minutes like sending it submitting a move in the handful of games that you have going with your friends or alternatively i mean i guess you could do bullet if you were a fucking psychopath what is bullet uh bullet is where you have like a minute total to make all of your moves to the guys at the speed speed chest it's like it's like speed chest yeah we see the guys slapping the slap and that's not asynchronous that's you playing against someone else

correct yeah i mean you can also play computer synchronously i guess but that's single player technically at that point but what really hits me is the puzzles uh there's a whole chess puzzle mode that they relaunch sort of last year with more of a grind where you're grinding for ranks and stuff like that and it's just like what's the best what's the best optimal move in this moment and not kidding it is what I come back to when I if I don't I'm never without a game to play

as long as I have my phone on me because I will bustchess.com out you know a few a few times a month maybe once a week or so I'm like yeah let's dip in and then I'll get in there but it's just a perfect amount of play a game a little bit I cannot over like overstate what a great like overall tool thing. Chess.com is not just like the, it is so rare that after that like land grab of the 90s

where people were grabbing up all the good URLs, it's so rare that there's a good URL that's actually managed by like a good company and it's like actually like decent. I try, I once had a chess tutor for a few months and he could, when I gave him my username, he could look at my games and we could look at them together and he would load them and We could, like, go through move by move to, like, look at the games I was playing and then, like, pick them up from different places. Like, yeah. It is also one of the- It's really, really robust. It's also every different, like, delineation of chess in terms of timing.

So, like, Bullet, like, Griffin's talking about is, like, bang, bang, bang, bang. But there's also, like, five-minute games or 10-minute games, right? Each one's pace differently and feels differently, but there's different rankings for each one. And I cannot tell you how addictive it is to have a built-in persistent. leaderboard in a game where like the rankings are actually like would actually matter to anybody other than the people who are like playing that game like you are right you are increasing your chess aptitude and you have a concrete metric for how good you are at chess it's like it's really addictive yeah yeah in the new puzzle mode you see where all of your friends are on this huge

board it's like oh man just got out of wood rank he moved on to copper you got to catch up knock some puzzles out, get those streaks going. This is all so compelling, but... What are you playing Tetris on? What are you playing Tetris on is my question? Okay, so that's a great question. Chess.com is going to win this, but I want to make my case for Tetris. Tetris is the perfect portable game, bar none, it had a great time in the Gameboy era.

The problem is EA took over the publishing rights for a long time. and they controlled it during the mobile game era, and it kind of stunk. But, and now it's actually overseen by Play Studios, which I don't know, but it's a free-to-play game that is, like, overall really solid. It has all the features you would want. It has good, like, leaderboards. It has good daily goals. It has all the things you would expect from the modern play game.

Yeah, they got rid of the skinny piece. Oh. Yeah, they did. They did. They did do that one. It's gone. Um, uh, now there's a circle one and it just fucks everything up. It's a great game.

It's gonna lose, okay? I'm fine with that. I just, I felt bad just letting it die on the vine. I'll tell you, I mean, Tetris is obviously, uh, it's the only game that they sort of gave a name for the, um, psychological ramifications of playing it too much. And so, like, obviously there is an inbuilt, like, it's a sticky. It's a sticky game. Sticky game. Chess.com,

one hand portrait mode, loving that. How am I supposed to T-spin with one hand? I fucking can't. And I need a free hand while I'm using or else I'm going to be

like freaked out the whole time. I'm just saying Tetris is also a little stress a little stressful for me. It's a little stressy. It might expedite things. Can I, I will say, one last thing in its defense.

If you are looking for a metaphor for what your body is trying to do, if you are trying to inspire some action. I don't think you're going to find something better than Tetris. But with that, I concede Chess.com wins this round. Pipe Dream.

If we're talking about simulating the, like, Pipe Dream. It's true. Pip Dream is classic. That's like highly a colonoscopy. Do we want to go to the rubric? Or I mean, no. It's the clear winner in every capacity. Yeah, yeah. I think it does very well.

I just want to say special shout out. If I'm discovered playing chess on the toilet, the That may be the only game where if you walk in on me on the toilet and I'm fucking like heated in the middle of a bullet match, you're going to apologize to me. You're going to be like, oh my God, I'm so sorry, Grandmaster. How embarrassing for me to walk in the toilet while you are. Grandmaster's splash. Gross.

Chess.com. What a betrayal. Okay, next up, we have Slay the Spire and Super Auto Pets. This is an interesting one. Is everyone here familiar with Super Auto Pets? Yes. Basically, yeah, yeah, yeah. Catch books up.

Yes, Super Auto Pets belongs vaguely to the kind of like auto chess genre that popped up several years ago, and that term has never been particularly useful. But it is a game where you have a team of five, I think, animals. Each animal, you know, attacks in a different way or has special modifiers or special things that it does each round, every turn, every battle, I should say, has a drafting round beforehand where you can spend your gold on a new pet or to upgrade a pet that you've already got or to buy some sort of item that you're going to put on one of those pets. And then your pets battle against an actual other person's team of pets asynchronously because it all happens automatically, hence the

name Autopets. And so it's a game about sort of drafting strategy and just trying to put together the best team of five attackers. And I think it's like you win, if you win 10 games before you lose three, then you've, then you have won the game of Super Auto Pets. Very, very, very, I mean, it's a game that like, if that sounds like your jam, it will absolutely get its fucking hooks in you. I haven't played in a while, but what I was playing, it was a. it was hot and heavy, man. Hoops, I feel like you were a big Slay the Spire person.

Yeah. Slay the Spire is one of my favorite games of all time, and I think about I've played so much Slay the Spire that I, it is one of the, I think, other than Hades, it's probably the thing that I played the most. For me,

I think Slay the Spire is very much in the same model of its runtime. It's just a lot. little bit too long for, you know, to play on the toilet. I mean, to be honest with you, I've only ever played this thing on Steamdecker laptop. And I know there is a very capable mobile version, but for me, I don't, I'd already sunk the time in. Griffin, how long, how long is a run in Super Auto Pets, like, or at least like a round? I mean, it would be long for a, for a, for a, for a,

for a single go, I would say. It would be, it would take you a bit. It's a question of how quickly you get through the drafting, because once the battles take seconds, right? Like the battles you can fast forward times four. I actually, interesting enough, I think I've probably played Slay the Spire most on iPhone and iPad. Wow. Mostly on iPad, because the iPad version is really solid and you get around a lot of the, like, you know, thick finger, accidentally picking the wrong stuff. But I actually think the phone version is really great, and I've played quite a bit of it on there.

Both these games are landscape mode. So, you know, we're talking about a two-handed situation both times. I don't think it's necessary. I don't know. I don't think this is as cut and dry in my mind because I also think, I think Slate Aspire is maybe the best rogue light, you know, card game ever. Are we going to continue, sorry, we got to stop here. Are we going to continue to allow Griffin to insist that he be able to white, and game because that is what he's saying and we're all just fucking letting it go

but what my man's saying is I might be gaming and I need the other hand to wipe that is not what I need to be able to wipe and that's what I'm calling out what I'm saying it is all I was so worried I was so worried that y'all were doing it and then I was the odd one thank you okay I'm glad we are finally taking this house of cars down because there's honestly man just stop gaming when I'm I mean, you just got to take a game. Listen, I'm 100% gamer. I love the game. You know me. You just got to, sometimes, it's eat, sleep, game, but not all at once, you know? No. I, first of all, there's a lot of stuff in a bathroom that you would need one hand for other than just wiping your butt. Sometimes it's not able to do while you game. Like, what do I think you want a game? Please let me finish my point. Please let me finish my point. Sometimes I have to operate the bidet. Sometimes I have to hold the door closed. Because one of my kids is trying to get in there And I guess I can't use my

You can't stop gaming for that! If I'm slaying the spire With both hands and a kid Damn! Buy me some robots! Notorious, like quick, quick reflexes for Slay of the Spire You can't hesitate for a second when you're spiring. Be real with me. When you're chasing, you know, a big win

And Slade the Spire and Bellacho and the bidet hits at the exact same time, is that the closest you've come to guys? dude it's like it's like here and lose yourself over the speakers man this is like exactly the hit you need to pump yourself up when that when that grows Michelle hits while you're fucking hitting the spray perfect perfect synchronicity I think both these games are gonna lose in the next round because I do think they're both hemorrhoid friendly games they are allies to the hemorrhoids cause but we're not what we went with but what it was more conducive I know, but... Yeah, I think it... There is one... I feel like, guys,

now that we're looking at these two with the rubric, I feel like there's some honorable mentions that I would... that deserve to be in here more than this. And maybe neither one of these are going to go forward and that's fine, but like,

I've been playing Merge Maestro so much and that timing of that thing is toilet-rific. It's a... That might be better. Yeah. That might be a better fit. If we could array,

we could slot two different things in here because we have... discovered that these two games, I don't think these are conducive to toilet time. I think Slay the Spire can stay because I know a lot of people do do that mobily. And I think that

for me it's just that one is really one where it's not just about a long session. It's where the game is interdependent on the decisions that you've made previously and remembering those synergies and like what you're kind of waiting on. What was the other one we were just talking about, Russ?

It's kind of like that. Where you're like forgetting you might forget what kind of like that. Yeah. Yeah, like you're, it's the same idea like where you, you might forget the synergies and the things you're working with, and that's really hard to jump back into, especially when there's like so many different disciplines and different

roles that you be playing or whatever. I'll go hard for Merge Maestro, because that has been very practically in my fucking jam. I think it fits better. I think it fits better than Super Auto Pets. Portrait mode. That's an incredible game. That's an incredible aesthetic, I would say, weirdly enough to Super Auto Pets. I've never done the legwork to see if it's the same.

company that made them, but I don't know. There are a ton of these, and this is of the ones that I've tried, this is the best one, the era parent to Super Auto Pets in my opinion. If you haven't listened to one of the best these episodes where we discussed it, it is somewhat similar

to Super Auto Pets in that there is like a drafting round, and then you have a board sort of threes style where you are combining like tokens numbered one through eight, but then as you draft, you replace those tokens with like special tokens that do different shit, like, oh, now whenever you

put two twos together and it makes a three it forms the headphones token which attacks the first two units twice for this much damage which is true about headphones but then there's like a hundred and thirty or something tokens to to choose from and there's just a fuck ton of synergies and strategies to find there's a lot of games that do the drafting thing but then when you get to the actual playing of it the playing of the game is not very fun and then i feel like that can the mergemeister is the first one where they have that really hooky three's thing, but you also have the drafting on top of it. They're kind of like working together. So you have the like meta and the micro that are both like really compelling.

And when you have a round that you break the fuck open, it feels so, so, so, so good. Yeah. Let's go to the room break on this one. Yeah, which is more conducive for potty time. Probably merge myestro, portrait mode, we're loving it. I do think you're not going to get through a whole game. of Merger Maestro, it's like 15 rounds. It would be quite a few.

I think the strats in that game switch up more frequently than they do with something that's so dependent like a sleigh of the spiral. It's also a little easier to tell the build on a quicker rate than you can with like digging into a balatro build and like, oh, how many enhanced cards I have. I mean, you have eight tokens and like a handful of permanent items that, like two permanent items that you will find throughout the course of a game. So like just looking at it at a glance, you, you, you, you. you're able to kind of piece together what it is you're doing. Yeah, I think Merge Meestro, I would actually love to. I didn't include that because I didn't think it was as known of a quantity. I've been playing a ton of it since you, yeah, it's really great.

The only thing I would say, I kind of, yeah, I would say if it got to the last round, which is which should you be less ashamed? Merge Meester looks like a fucking joke. It looks like a child, like a child's game. It might need that edge. I don't think it needs that edge for this round, but it may need it later. But I think also if my wife walks in on me on the toilet, which in our, we've been together for like 14 years, it has never happened, which I like taking a great pride in. I think if she spots me playing Slay of the Spire on the toilet, I also don't think that that's going to look pretty.

I don't think I'm going to come out of that looking like fucking. Little bird people with spears. Yeah. Okay. So merge maestro. Okay. Yeah. Okay, next up, we have Vampire Survivors versus Downwell.

Just give Vampire Survivors a quick check, make sure I do think it's Portrait Mode. Yeah, so Vampire Survivors, I think everybody listening to this show knows the general idea there. It is a game where you move around the screen and you have these auto firing abilities. And as you earn XP by killing enemies, those auto abilities get stronger and stronger and stronger. down well maybe less known to the audience we talked about it maybe i don't know eight years ago fresh do you want to tell people about it sure down well uh you're like a little cute little guy and he jumps into a big whale and it's basically a rogue like where you're constantly falling falling you're looking for upgrades you're trying to bounce off of enemies and create these combos of

multiple kills in a row which nets you gold and then you spend the gold to these various shops and you just keep going down, down, down, no, no, no. Super cool, art, very minimalist, art style. I want to say that it has gyro controls in addition to, like, touch controls. Oh, that sounds right. Yeah. So, just from a comfort standpoint,

like, there's that aspect as well. I played, yeah, I played a lot of this game on the potty for what's worth. It is great for that. Great game. I was never great at it. It's a hard game. It's a pretty hard game. really hard to because a lot of the success depends on like accruing currency and like getting every

edge you can which the best way of doing that is to chain your bounces against enemies together not like ever landing on the ground so it's actually a pretty frantic and like stressful game to play I had a lot more luck with it when it came out on like steam deck and I was able to play it like with a controller I had a little bit more of an easier time um I I definitely played it a lot on the potty, but I don't like my games to be quite so twitchy. Do you feel like playing this on the deck or on a controller was a good experience?

Because it seems so minimal. I don't feel like that's the kind of thing I would want to sit in front of a TV for. I mean, I think that it works fine. The biggest knock against it that I would say is like it is such a vertically oriented game inherently that playing it on a portrait mode thing. This is not like a bathroom single-handed preference.

It's like that's the way it was. It's like one of those, you know, arcade shoot-em-ups where it's like, yeah, that's the screen it was designed for is a tall screen. You need like a Tate mode situation. Yeah. I'm not going to make it a lot of it. I would also add to that point,

I actually think the game is easier with gyro controls. It's one of the very, very few examples because I think you need such twitchy control over the situation. And an analog stick will not be as responsive as you tilting your hand. So. Vampire Survivor's fucking rules. I played that game a lot on my phone.

Beat the shit out of it on my phone. Played it more on the phone than any other thing. It's by default 30 minutes. So I struggle with that a little bit. The Empire Survivor scares me on the toilet because not only is it by default 30 minutes. A lot of monsters. You could say, hey, you know,

There's ghosts and stuff. I'll pause halfway through. No, no, no. You lose track of time when you're in that world. Those things are deep late. They remind me, I don't think, they're up there with like, remember when everybody was playing game development story for a bit on the phone? That was one where I'd be like, holy shit, three hours.

I was on the toilet. There's a big ring. Oh no, Sydney, is this ring permanent? I was on the toilet for three hours. Help! My butts inside out. I, down well, on the other hand. And is the one game on this entire list that I know where I was when I finished it.

I was in Fox Media's bathroom, the second stall over. Oh, what a bathroom. Straight on the morning. Let me tell you, Midtown, it was the good bathroom, too. Yeah, dude. And I went in there, and I didn't know that that's what was going to happen, and I beat it. And let me tell you, it was such a defining moment in my life. I kind of backed down off of playing games in the bathroom after that.

Because I was like, this feels like, maybe I went. Yeah, I went too far. I went too far. I probably should not have done this. I would actually say down well. I think down well is better. The length and the fact that you can't save a run in Vampires and Vampers and Varmes until it ends is a brute. But can you save a run and down?

No, but they're so short that it's like kind of doesn't matter. Like a run is like five minutes max. I thought this rubric was so stupid when we started And now we're halfway through these And I feel like A hundred percent confident about every single one I feel like it might be the best true Elemental and ephemeral

And we have captured it We have captured it like the little prince Rapping his net around a comet Yeah Okay next up we have Yeah because this next one's fucking This one's tough There's no way we get to the end of this round

Without swapping out one or perhaps both of these games let's go Okay, next up we have Pokemon Go and WarioWare Inc. Are you crazy? Where to start? Where to start? Pokemon Go?

Let me explain this. And I'm not the person to put Pokemon Go there. Pokemon stay, man. Pokemon stay. I know how this happened. I, and I'm guessing Fresh put this here. I put it on there, yeah. Speaking of games played in a Vox Media bathroom,

when you are in New York and you are in a big city, your Pokemon Go Reach, I guess, is extending. You can accomplish a lot. Forget reach. Everything within 10 feet, there's like 60 fucking mons.

It comes to you, yeah, for sure. Right, right. If I do this in my own personal bathroom, probably not as productive. It's going to be me and fucking two audishes and then I'll be, that's it for the content. I'm done with the content at that point. So let's see if we can keep either of these.

What's the problem? with Wario Wear Inc. Mega Micro Games. Griffin, you want to take that? It's just not, that's such a little encapsulated gaming experience. I will go and I will play one of those games and that's fine. For me, a true bathroom friend is something that I have been returning to over and over again. And I think that's true of all the games we've discussed so far. They have all been games that I have played multiple times throughout, throughout my life. I can't think of like a Wario Ware game that I'm like, I got to keep this one around just to see how I, just to see how I do it. It not being on a phone is also kind of, kind of an issue for me. Um, so is there, oh man, guys, this is a real

long shot, but man, never mind. I'm going to ask, is there enough passion here for tilt to live? that's a good I don't know if you guys remember TILA live It was huge in the joystick days We had like a couple of years Where everybody was so deep in Tilt to Live Because it was

You know what it was like It was kind of like the same vibe as like Geometry Wars Which I don't know if it has ever had Really its toilet moment But it was a great That was one like super crate box Like early mobile thing

That really felt Tilt to live is For people who have never seen A Shmop Slash Geometry War old school arcade game where you are a little arrow and you don't actually have any offensive

oh no you do get offensive moves you know what's crazy it is so much like vampire survivors like it's it's almost exactly like vampire survivors except it is tilt based and so you're like avoiding a lot of other dots but you're like avoiding the enemies by tilting rather than

shooting them but like theoretically it's a lot like vampire survivors I'll tell you what's missing from this list for me and maybe this would be a good sub for Wario Ware is anything in the idle game sort of category and I don't know what that would I mean we'd already said it

Game Dev developer what is what was that called? Game dev story's not really an idle game that's like a management sort of sim I'm talking more in the vein of like a Melville out shelter Fallout shelter cookie clicker something something in that category I just don't know that

there's a universally kind of like there isn't a slay the spire of that genre that comes to the top of my mind. Yeah, that's tough. Because, like, I love universal paper clips, but I wouldn't recommend it for this. It's hard because for me, idle, so many idle games are like,

I know what you're saying, though, with, like, checking back in on them periodically. But, like, they're something I tend to have in the background rather than, like, completely focus on. Yeah. Yeah, I would check in on my idol games. games at the desk. If I'm out in office, I don't mind just popping it open, taking a quick look, doing two or three things. I don't need a full bathroom break for it, but it's a good instinct. Okay, well, let me tell people about the honorable mentions and why a lot of great games are there. A problem that we ran into when coming up with this list of games is, one, a lot of the games aren't available anymore. Because I think a lot of these classics actually came out from the early days, like drop seven.

and you just straight up cannot download it anymore. Do you know flight control just isn't on iOS? That's weird. And then the other thing is games that are like kind of just console games that then got ported to mobile and they technically work, but don't quite feel right. So that's like the Hotline Miami Super Meat Boy space. There's still some stuff though that we can throw in.

So like Helsing's Fire, I think could, maybe make a case here. Space Invader Infinity Gene. I don't think there's really, like looking at the list, there's a lot of games I love on here, but I don't know if. What about chip chain? Did you guys get into chip? Was that one?

Chip chain was great. Dungeon Raid was a big one for me, like that puzzle quest RPG puzzle sort of style thing, but that's another one that, like, dungeon raid hasn't worked since, like, iOS 11 came out. Yeah, I mean, well, This is the case for Wariow, where ink staying in is that you can just play it forever.

You can just play that one, I guess. It will be there. Not necessarily part of our rubric, but in a weird way it is. I think they're important games, even if they're not going to win. Yeah. I will say this about Pokemon Go. It is a great sort of pick up and play a small form game. And so I do think it belongs in the category.

I play a lot more Pokemon TCG Pocket. Let me tell you why that's great. One, if you want to do a battle, it has this short-form battle mode where you can knock one of those out in the approved amount of time, if not much faster. But the big thing is, in Pokemon TCG Pocket, you get two packs every day free to open up. And I tell you, man, there's been a Pavlovian sort of instinct

that has been trained into me. As much as I love playing a short-form game on a pocket, I also really enjoy doing my video game chores on the toilet because it's like, well, I got nowhere else to go and it's been 24 hours and I'm trying to complete this set. So I'm going to crack these two cards packs open, see what I get, do a little wonder draw. That slots into that window of time very, very cleanly for me.

I know it's not as established as Pokemon Go. So maybe the substitution doesn't work. But I also think I'm the only one on this call who's ever played it. I, yeah. Yeah, I would keep Pokemon Go just for this. adding TCG pocket to honorable mentions, I think we can keep mega microgames for one big reason,

which is more and more of our listeners have emulator handhelds that they carry with them wherever they go, and maybe there's a chance that they're bringing them into the loo. It's possible. But I want to get on the other side of this. They're in the pocket anyway. Pockets go in the loo. There you go.

It's two hands, pretty frantic gameplay, so you won't catch me playing that in there, but I mean, more power more power to us for giving it its flowers i think Pokemon go wins this round and uh will unlikely survive the next unhinged choice truly unhinged truly um truly demented by definition russle such a wild inclusion what do we got next up we have threes a number versus wordel a word game damn i mean here's what i'm going to say merge maestro is like

threes except with pandas and it's like and combat and pandas and bugs and sandwiches wordle if they released if they released a morning time whirdle and then an after-dinner wordle it would get me it would really get me where I needed it when I needed it for the block for the block you know what I mean as it is now I could I could do one of my you know what I mean with the world waiting for me and that's great that's cool

I love it a new word puzzle made for me by the bright minds at the New York Times where yeah

where what is the censorship goes to die what's their thing that censorship dies in the in the dark and they're making puzzles

for me thank you two a day and we'd be in the money as it is now it'll get me half the time it would be a shame

for threes to get knocked out simply because it is on the same list as Merge Maestro, a game that does its thing well, when Threes has a long history of getting knocked out. Being ripped off. Yeah, by being ripped off. That would be, that would be

a bit of a shame. I do agree that Wordle is maybe the only game on the list that's too short that I get that done. And then my fix is like not, I'm not sated. I'm left wanting. Now I pop open, you know,

down well or whatever and then I'm frustrated because I'm halfway through down well now I'm done and my whole timing's been thrown off yeah that means just be dumber

takes me longer or that is it takes me longer I guess it's you you move on to like the other New York Times games right that's the path is you finish word all you go into spelling me

I wish I could go backwards it's something easier like wheel of fortune you know like I can't hang with those other puzzles that's a hexagon Dude, what do you want me to do with this? Exxagon? I do think a connections fits into the window a little bit more cleanly, but I don't also, I don't also, I don't also, people know when I've just, like, Rachel knows when I've just played connections, because I'll be like, just fucking stupid. Like, she'll hear me say stuff like, that doesn't make any, how the fuck was I supposed to know that?

Wordle doesn't do that for me, but connections definitely does. Can I, can I make, can I make a suggestion? Yeah. Sure. I play this, I play these games in an app called. NYT Games, right? Yeah. And I feel like a lot of people

probably do that, right? I don't see why Chess.com doesn't have to go up against NYT Games. That's a fair point. And I think I'm okay. Because what you're saying,

because I think the thing that I would say there is you are discounting the pat, like what you're saying in that case is that chess does not, the power of chess does not equal the power of

like connections plus word Roll plus whatever. And I would say chess is a 800-pound gorilla in terms of like game. But if you're talking about like the way that they have taken these staples and made them like a toilet

friendly experience. It just seems like we're making the Orange Box case at this point. And I kind of agree. I think it's different though because there is a long history. I would probably want to give it an award, Russ. Orange Box really kicks ass.

Books. That would be in the bathroom back when people kept books in bathroom. There'd always be like a collection of like Hunter S. Thompson stories. Those books must be like the best things. What? Those books, paper, gross. Yeah, Uncle John's bathroom readers. They always have a tactile cover.

Some classic stories, you would have like a sports almanac. You know, the funniest things that happen in sports in 1974. Yeah, if you're Biff. And then you would have a book of games. And it would be like crossword puzzles, mazes a whole bunch of other stuff. This is making me feel very old. But the game is saying it wasn't just like one puzzle. It was a whole bunch of variety of stuff.

So maybe we should nominate that puzzle book. Okay. Okay. I only ever go to the Wordle website because I'm 100 years old. But I do think you can play the Wordle and the connections without having to subscribe to anything, which is, I think, a mark in the column for. Yeah. I also think like if we're talking about Chess.com, let's just. just include playing chess

and not all the other features of it. Fuck that, no way, man. The puzzles are so good. I'm not going to short change this great app. I want to reward the way that both of these have taken like these games and made them like more clicky and mimic and yeah.

But come on. Wordle and like the crossword puzzle. It's not modes of the same game. They're completely different games. Chess, if anything, chess.com modes of chess. Like effectively they're all using. weird if chess.com was like, and do you

want to play some batgammon? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, guess what? The fucking pawn, it moods 50 pieces now instead of one. But okay, but this is the I think, but this is what I'm saying though. Chess has bullet and long, like there's a lot of different variations of

chess that I am arguing are at least as powerful as wordal, you know, and and, and I, okay, I will say this, I was not thinking about the crossword. I think the crossword does make it unfair because crossword is huge. Like, Crossword? That's tough Yeah

So the category we are giving this is the New York Times games app But only the free Subscription free Wordle connections Maybe the one that's like a honeycomb And crossword minis but not full Crosswords Spelling Bee

Connections Wordle Don't fuck with crosswords that's unfair Before we go any further But the inclusion of crossword minis is a nod to the fact that human beings defecate. Like, crossword minis should be called humans poop. So maybe crossword minis should be the, let's just pick that.

No way, because that's nerd shit. I don't fuck with that. I play whortle in connections like a cool, smart man. Do we think threes has a chance here? We should give it to threes just so we don't have to keep fighting about this because it's been 25, 30 minutes just talking about this.

I love threes, but it does not have the staying power that these other things do. I mean, like, wordle, I, I think threes is really, really good, but I think in terms of like, the, okay, I want to say one more other thing about wordal. I was about to include, you shouldn't play wordal in public. It's rude. It is so rude. Someone will see it.

So if you are not playing it on the toilet, I think you're being rude, honestly, because people could see. Yeah, but the people are snooping on your phone. That's rude. Mm-mm. Nope. If I'm, I have to look at everyone's phone. I'm a human being. And if you're doing the wordal on there,

like, I saw it already. Before I knew I should, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Okay, so wordal, wordal will win this round. And then we will continue this conversation. Woodle win this well. What?

Mr. Woodle tear down this woodle. Okay, next up. We have a golf round. Yeah, I see what's going on with the golf round. I'm here for it. We got what the golf and we have desert golfing. I really think what the golf we sub with a super stick man golf, something in that. Because I feel like that way, way better fits.

That's really good. That way better fits. I think it fits as a toilet game a whole lot better than what the golf, which is for me such a, it doesn't, the genre is not even the same, right? Like, it's not an infinitely replayable, sort of grindable, like. hear you and I'm willing to concede this but what the golf is pop in for 15 seconds and see whatever new twist the levels give you you know and they're all the user generated levels at this point it is very digestible but every game we've talked about at this point has sort of I don't know it has felt what the golf feels like packaged in a way sure that none of the other games

we've talked about I do think you're right I know it's a great game I just don't think of it like, I don't know, in this. So Super Stickman Golf, we think, for this? I think that's fair. Yeah, we can, we can just, but do we need to specify, like, Super Stickman Golf 3, I think is the latest noodle cake one? Is that right? I don't remember, which, yeah, I don't.

Oh, man, I really feel like these are, like, service enough that I don't think you need to differentiate. They're all great for what it's worth. There's no bad Super Stickman Golf. Okay. I think the first one was called Stickman Golf and that's, anyway. Yeah, I'm going to go to bat harder for desert golfing than I think I've ever done in this... I can't fucking wait, man. Go off, King.

Yeah. I'm at, I just looked it up, hole 134 in desert golfing. Now... 1,034 what? Holes. Holes. Desert golfing, for those that aren't aware, is... Are you about to beat it?

That's a very good question, Justin. No, I am not. Desert golfing is a effectively randomly general... golfing game where you basically try to get the ball in a hole. It's side scrolling and you try to get the ball in the hole. And when you do, it scrolls onto the next hole and that happens forever effectively. I think at one point you hit a lake, but it requires about 30 years of your life. And it just keeps going and going and going. And when I'm stuck in the subway or when I'm sometimes on the toilet, this is a game that I turn to. It doesn't require internet. It works great on

every single phone of the last 50 years, and I am incredibly passionate about it. Now, there is a sequel called Golf on Mars, which I also really, really like. The sequel is more involved because you can put spin on your shots and backspin and front spin, et cetera, so I actually would not prefer it from a toilet standpoint. I think the original is better for toilets, but because it has spin. I want to address something, and I know we're not doing a video show, but I had an install, so I want to check. So this is portrait mode.

Yeah. But can I play this with one hand, right? 100%. So this, would you Griffin think that you can wipe in game with this? Would you feel okay about this? I mean, if I was a nasty dog who wiped and gamed at the same time because I could be fucking... Sorry, you were really adamant earlier. I didn't want to, there's, we have some confusion here if we could run it.

Yeah. You were really adamant earlier that you love to wipe the game and you can't live without it. Because you have to have one hand free to wipe. while you game so I was just wondering if this met the if I allow myself even for a moment to not be a part of one of these incredible virtual worlds then like everything's gonna fucking fall apart for me psychologically I need to be constantly in Tamriel

or Hyrule or one of these wonderful imaginary imagined worlds because if I start to really confront my own reality with both hands then I'm gonna I'll freak the fuck out Um, so yeah. No, I don't wipe in game. Yes, I do love a simple one-touch control scheme, though. Thank you so much, Justin.

That does make it a better bathroom game. It does make it a better bathroom game because I can't fucking move the screen around and control the hit of my shot and pick my power-ups and all this shit while keeping a hand-free. That's a really good point, Justin, and you've made the case for Desert Golfing for me. I would also add, unlike Super Stickman Golf, it doesn't fucking matter for Desert Golfing. you're just on there for the vibe. The desert golfing vibe. I've said enough.

We got to make it part of the show. It's so unavoidable that there is a guy. Mr. Driller lives. That's the next game on the list is Mr. Driller lives fucking above Russ. And he's like, you're talking about shitter game? let me get up on this let me drill down to you brother

I think this has got to be desert golfing Super Sidpan golf is a lot of fun but I actually for me the highlights of that experience are playing in a group of people and I'm not there guys I can't do it sorry fair okay

great I feel good about this the last round the last showdown of round one Tiny wings versus angry birds. Now we're getting some real fucking golden oldies. Okay, this is a tough one because where is your heart

and where is your mind? Tiny Wings is one of my favorite mobile games, maybe game games of all time. It is Zen made real. This is a game where you just go up and down little hills and as you fly through the air you dive

bomb into the curve of the hill to gain speed and then shoot back up the next little mountain and back down and up and down and up to one of the great songs from video games. The song is just perfect. I will also mention my friends, great news here.

You can go to the designer's website and actually play this game in browser immediately for free right now. You can just go check it off if you want. You go to the search tiny wings. You'll see the designer's website. I believe it's Andreas Silenger. Andreas Illinger, sorry, I've doubled the S there.

But yeah, if you go to his website, you can play it. It's a, I love tiny wings, I like tiny wings a lot. It's going up against Angry Birds, which is the big mainstream hit. They turned it into movies. I've now heard that the second movie is great. But it's still good. Like, let's be real. Even if it is kind of a rip off of whatever that crushed the castle or whatever it was.

And even if it's really popular, there's a reason Angry Birds has become dominant for, you know, over a decade that Sega wants to buy this thing because it's really fun to throw blocks throw stuff at towers of blocks you know boom blocks Steven Spielberg figured it out with the we angry birds perfected it and and we've been chasing that thrill ever since so I don't think we can just have we been chasing that thrill ever since is my point about angry birds because I swear to

God have the rest of us moved on to other things every couple years I get a you tried that new angry bird they're in space now and I'll fucking dip into it you know what fuck angry birds wow cut the rope now that's a bathroom game

now that's a bathroom game that's a bathroom game it's portrait mode one finger and you know that's important to me but also it's a bathroom game and you can dip in and you do a puzzle or two I can't tell anymore if Russ is thinking about what I'm saying

praying to Jesus Christ or listening to the drills upstairs if you can just symbol with your fingers which one of those is the correct answer. None of them. Oh, it's the drills, yeah. I think cut the rope would be a better. Oh, he's got a little coroc.

It fell off the wall, I think, because of the intensity of the drilling. That is what happened. That's amazing. They're really going to town on Russ's apartment right now. So what I'm hearing is, not only are you already dismissing Angerverds right off the bat.

You are saying shouldn't even be in the round. I'm saying it fucking peaked a long time ago. Angry Birds in my mind is like equivalent to like when we all got phones for the first time. It's like, check this out. It's a lightsaber. It makes it. Or check it out. It looks like I'm drinking a beer.

Yeah. That's about to move. Whoa. Did you check out the new fart app? It sounds like fart piano. biz. Cut the rope. It's different. That's a thinking man's game.

It doesn't matter because it's going to lose to Tiny Wings Tiny Wings is one of the best games ever made Tiny Wings is so good that I missed God, I miss having leaderboards on phones that I gave a shit about It was the greatest to have a Tiny Wings score and then have someone beat it and then that was your day

I love Tiny Wings so much that I retired from Tiny Wings because no one got close and then someone beat me and then I made a song about coming out of retirement that is still on my YouTube if you go look for it called the Million Point Man to the tune of a Scissor Sisters song

and I love Tiny Wings that much and I really, really, really miss having leaderboards where I got to see people beat my scores and I could compete against their scores. The only place that still happens is chess.com. Yeah, baby. Bathroom games. I just want to make sure that we're sticking to the rubric here

because, yes, I agree. Tiny Wings is a better game and both Angry Birds and cut the rope. Make your case. Nobody's made the case that it's great in the bathroom yet. Who, Tiny Wings? Yeah. Okay, so Tiny Wings is, the runs are perfect length for bathroom,

but it is also one of those games where it makes you feel... Chris is a child of five-year-old boy who wandered onto our podcast for Take Your Boy to Work Day. Please. It's a... No, no, please tell me more about the runs. Okay. God.

When you start swooping, it goes really smooth. So if you hit the curve just right, the curve of the... Please. So you'll see a curve. It's almost like a bowl shape. So as you're going down, it has to hit the edge of the bowl. Chris, it swoops up through the air and then splashes down. I'm Greg Miller, by the way.

I've been Greg Miller this whole episode. episode. I sound a little bit like Griffin, but he didn't want to be associated with this particular episode. So I'm actually Greg. It's good to know. Thanks, Greg. It's not my fault. I have to work with these pure aisle children. Yeah, I'm fine with tiny wings moving on. Yeah, it's great. And you can still play it. You can go play it right now. It still works. It's great. Okay. Welcome back, everybody. We have all taken that potty break. And we are ready to narrow down eight of these games

we're going to do four showdowns starting with chess.com versus whirdle our chance to really smooth out whatever this debate is over the New York Times games app versus chess.com

I was in the bathroom I do have a late entry I just wanted to bring up who shot Johnny Rock. Now who shot Johnny Rock is a Sega CD classic and I was just played it guys I was having the time of my life I was a hard-boiled dick with a nose for crime and this is real actors in this guys

this isn't video game reference like Pac-Man yeah these are like real people out of here put in Who Shot Johnny Rock I think it beats Wordle soundly Okay I think even if you get Who Shut Johnny Rock out of this If you looped in Wordle If you looped in connections

and fucking the big crossword The Sunday crossword the Wednesday crossword Whatever the fuck I still think chess.com takes it with a bullet. Wow. The man who doesn't know what day the big crossword is published.

Haven't done a crossword. Very firm opinions. In my life, haven't done a New York Times crossword. But chess. You know if they get bigger. You know as they get bigger, maybe, because he said Wednesday too. So maybe he does.

Chess.com, it's got a lot of different ways to play chess, a lot of different time factors to play chess. No matter what, you're getting better at chess. Your rankings going up. It all feeds back into you. Argument's like, I'm, like, not super into chess.

Then play the computer at, like, difficulty 400 and beat the shit out of it and feel like the world's smartest man. It is pretty good, yeah. You could watch training videos and hear some of the most Eastern European people you've ever heard in your entire life. These people couldn't get more Eastern in Europe if they tried. Get looped in on the latest drama with these Swedish 20-somethings who almost certainly have got some skeletons in their closet and listen to them tell you about, you know, their new

crazy gambit they've got going on. It, Glenn, I'm chess winner. We have a winner for round. That's really great, Chris. That's just what they sound like. Thank you. Griff, I know that I had your back for this initially for this chess.com thing because I really did want to give the excellent chess.com.

It's plot. But it is, I have to be honest and say. it is not fair this thing is a social media network for nerds like you cannot compare it against one one game right here's what i'm gonna give it i'm gonna allow whatever the core chess experience is on chess.com but yeah we can't give it every fucking feature encompassed here it was just chess and the puzzles and i'll give you a poet chess whatever that is the fast chess i don't i don't play a lot of apologize. That's too stressful for a toilet experience. I can't give you the puzzles.

I'm sorry. I can't do it. I would rather do the puzzles. I would rather just do the puzzles. Chess Puzzles on Chess.com, I will grant you because those are fun as hell. Fine. They're fun as fat. You pick them up, you play them. It would have won in the last round two. For the record. I don't think it changes anything. But I think it should

be refined of that. That we can talk about. Okay. So and we're putting you up against one game in the New York Times. Can I actually speak on chess puzzles on chess. Onchst.com real quick. Sure. Please. Please. When you start learning chess, you understand the rules of chess.

I still don't get castling, but yeah. Fairly quickly, right? Like, castling is always a little bit dice, and I honestly still have to look at a picture whenever I'm putting the pieces out to remember what order they go in. So whatever. And when en passant, we all forget about enpezant and we know an ampas.

Of course, no one diagonal sometimes. Yes. What is cool about the puzzles on chess.com is that they help you realize. that there is, in fact, it helps you to start seeing the things that will actually help you improve with the game and help you to understand

what makes chess cool on a very digestible level, right? Because you are being presented with all the other noise is gone. And you can just look at one little thing and say, okay, if you're in this exact scenario... It's a red zone play. You're watching...

Someone's at the six-yard, not to make a sports analogy, Some of the six-hard line, what do they do to get into the end zone? Sure. Rather than seeing the whole build. A mating move that you are having to make. Now, I hate to fucking bring this up with you fucking inexplicable sticklers, but there is the chess, the puzzles mode where you're going through the grind and you're raising your ranking and you're doing these little puzzles.

But then there's also the daily puzzle that's like, this is from the famous Kasparov versus whatever match. Can you figure out what Kasparov did in this moment? Same. I think I would group them together. Okay. Well, I think is infinite, and I think it's infinitely replayable and pursuable, and definitely something I come back to more often than the Whartle. Checkers.com, though. I go back to my big issue with Whartle, which is it's too short. Whartle is too short. It's too short when you're playing at one time, and it's also just once a day.

Checkers.com does go to Rattley's.com. Sorry, I thought I was joking, but it doesn't. It is too short, and if we're going to penalize games for being too long, you can't get it done in a wordle. If you do, you're not, you need to improve it. One of them needs to get better or change. One of them's going wrong. So, I mean chess, then? Chess Puzzles on Chess.

The new kid on the block chess moves on. Great. A big moment for chess. Next up, we have the iOS Android Showdown in the Century Pokemon Go versus Marvel Snap. Yeah, I'll handle this one. So I'm not a big Marvel Snap fan. I feel

like it's a little too RNG like luck-based, but I fully grant that for everyone that doesn't live in a metropolitan area, Pokemon Go being a toilet game is a fucking joke and it will not work. So I don't want to rule out for all the people that live in various places, not even

like middle of nowhere. Like a suburb is not going to work. Just say flyover states and move on. Just say flyover states It's what you mean, Russ. If people in the flyover states can't appreciate shitting while they catch Pokemon. If you live in Skokie, it's not going to be a good time. No. Or any, most city, almost every city.

Yeah. If you don't work in a downtown office building in a major, major city, then it's not a, it simply isn't a toilet game. It's a moving around game. Meanwhile, Marvel Snap was so good the first time on the toilet. I think there was a bit of collective insanity that said in where we all kind of felt like maybe we just play this. maybe we only play Marvel Snap and that's the only thing anybody plays for a bit and it's perfect on the toilet

and guys I did really love there was a few months there where if you went to a bathroom there was like a one out of five chance that you were going to hear some very distinct noises that you knew like when you almost want to congratulate hey nice

nice Paul pal nice Paul you catch that fucking center lane bro don't let don't let Magneto push you around don't let it push you around dude I yeah if that game it had a less offensive sort of progression structure to it I think I there was a point where I bounced off of it when they're like yeah

you can play get that season pass or just give you this shiny Miles Morales carver you give us 20 bucks and I was like out of principle Marvel snap I must away I must away now I'm gonna ding I'm gonna ding it for more like what your point about the meta is actually I think a really huge knock against it where I think the fun of that game, it got eaten up by

obsessives that wanted more, more, more, more, and, like, faster changes and shit. Like, it's the same, I felt like happened with, you know, Harstone or anything else that has, like, a very vocal fan base, where if you try to check in back on it, you're like, on the bathroom, you got a few minutes to kill it, you try to check back in on it,

forget about it. You're going to be watching packs open for five minutes. Like, you're not going to even play. Yeah. So I'm realizing we have a bit of a problem here, which is, it seems like neither of these games really belongs in our top five. I think Marvel Snap does.

You are okay with it. Even with it for sure. It was a short, it was I don't play it as much anymore, but Marvel Snap is one where if I started to hear through the grapevine like, hey, everyone's playing Marvel Snap again. It's actually really good now.

I would be fucking thrilled to be back on board. Yeah. So Marvel Snap over Pokemon. They should honestly drop a two or something. Drop a deuce. If they dropped a second Marvel Snap. Pokemon Go I think is also fine and I will also come back to that one pretty frequently.

It's just simply not a toilet friend. It is an out and about exploring the city walking around. Got it, got it, got it, got it, got it. Okay, next up, Marvel Snap, by the way, won that round. Next up, we have Desert Golfing versus Merge Maestro. Couldn't be more different. Yeah. Yeah, one is an extraordinarily crunchy sort of experience, and one is Desert Golfing.

All vibes. All vibes. I've never been able to I like desert golfing I like it on principle it's not even in the top five golfing experience I would want to have on a toilet

if Buddha played an iOS game it would be desert golfing so keep that in mind for me though it is a meditative experience that's what I mean but that's a problem because it's not a meditative experience

it's the toilet you're in there to do a job you know what I mean you don't want to zone out Like you need something that says you're done. Like the time has ended, right? I need, how long do you go to the bathroom? One snap.

Like, I don't know. One snaps worth. Griffin and Justin, you made this great decision years ago, which was to go out into the world and run your own business and get far away from corporate America. And I think because of that, you have not had to have the experience where you are six and a half hours into the workday and you have experienced actual hell you have seen the the maw of Satan itself

and you just need five 10 fucking minutes to go and lose touch with reality and you don't smoke and it's too cold outside and you find yourself in the on the toilet and you're just like please give me the zen give me the peace let me just okay so I'm going to say a couple of things to you you do your thing first and then I also would let me start let me start with one is one my first thing is, um, I have two children so you can go eat a shit about. Justin said, I hope you literally let the, light this shit on fire and eat it. You think I don't need to hide in the fucking toilet. The idea that I would have to be a corporate drone to have a reason to dissociate on the

toilet is one of the more offensive things you've said to me. Unethical. It's an ethical issue that you violated here. We just talk. This is an ethic. I don't need a thin. You're over here telling me, I don't need this in. I live this magical life where I don't need to be the Buddha on the potty.

And it sounds like you do need to be the Buddha on the potty. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Plaint, you understand. Sometimes my kids are so bad, I need two snaps. You know, but I need to choose. I need to say, they've been so bad. Daddy needs two snaps today, you know? I'll decide.

I'll text it. Sometimes I'll be like, hey, Juice, how's everything going? And he'll be like, is it two snap day. I'll be like, damn, dude, hang in there. don't let them bring you down. Yeah, for real. For real, for real. Also, if Buda played an iOS game,

it would be Peter Maloneyu's curiosity what's inside the box. I think we could all agree. And that would be on this list if not for the fact that it, um, they beat it on. Or Buddha would join me in my number one

toilet experience. Money Solitaire. Because that's what I play on the toilet all the time. That's all I play. Okay, okay, okay. Merge Meister, what's the case for it? It fucking rules, man.

I know this is, recency bias but it truly like of of the games i have played this year it's the best it's the best ios game i played this year by by country mile uh it's just so perfect for the format of like what we are describing i think it i i didn't have the words for what merge maestro was until we started to do this and now i i don't feel this way i so rarely feel this way about video games anymore but i this is not a toilet experience but i was in a very boring line this week in at Great Wolf Lodge and I was waiting to check in and I turned on that game and it really was like I just felt the time meltable it just disappeared and once the game was done I was perfectly

satisfied and I felt like I'd had a great experience it's like the the perfect combo so just to confirm you were taking a shit while you were online at the Great Wolf Lodge I'm gonna guess you We're in the Dunkin' Donuts line in the morning or waiting to get into the waterfront first thing. I did clarify that beforehand. You made it forgotten how you forgot that I have kids a few minutes ago. They're pretty adorable too. And fundamentally forgot that kids sometimes make you dissociate. Okay, okay, okay.

So what, if I'm translating this right, hoops, what you're saying is, in a way, Mirage Maestro is, it's given you both. It's both got that crunchy game and it's helping you dissociate, helping that time pass by. It's got both. It's helping you help the time pass, but it's also paced to where it's digestible and you feel like you've gotten a complete experience. And also, if you can't talk. They're drilling so much at Russ's apartment, he can't talk to defend desert golfing. And so, like, it seems like we're just wasting time right now. Yeah.

Congratulations. To merge, please. He wants to say something. He wants to be like. But it's boring and that's fun. No, I've seen some videos of Russ's nasty shit on Merge Maestro. I know he knows. He can grimace all he wants.

He knows. No, they are both great. I do have a fondness for Merge Meistro. That is true. Hmm. That makes it easy. So Merge Meister wins. Yeah, Merge Meister wins.

Tiny Wings versus Downwell. This is a tough one, actually. This one's really, like, both of these are exactly scratching the same. I will say that what. downwell for me the immediate like pros and cons tiny wings had that like very sticky um uh leaderboard thing that actually made you want to go to the bathroom because it's like you would notice when you weren't in the bathroom it's like okay i'm going to need a few minutes let me hit the bathroom real um but down well the variability in the weapons and stuff did make like every run feel a lot like

like you really wanted to see the next combo and it made it like really hooky downwell has a problem that no other game on this final grouping has, which is there is an end to Downwell. I did beat Downwell in the bathroom. And after that did I have a desire to play more Downwell in the bathroom? No, because I was finished with it.

Where Tiny Wings, I'm still playing Tiny Wings today. You know, it's never been taken off my iPhone, but I don't think I have Downwell on my phone at this point. But is it downwall goes up and down

and tiny wings goes side to side and for me the toilet a toilet game goes up and down and that's hard that is hard for me to move past and you can say all that you want about gaming and wiping

but toilet games should go up and down they shouldn't go side to side and you know why and you don't need me to explain why thank you Justin yeah no timing wings if it does go a bird goes up sometimes but primarily we are talking about a left to right action.

You know, I feel pretty good about Downwell going in for that reason, because I think there's something beautiful about all four of the winners of round two going up and down and not side to side. I also think we could easily bring tiny wings up. And then I think we bring tiny wings in. Fifth place spoiler. I love this. I think that is more than fair.

Okay. Let's do it. Okay. So, the four games that we know are moving on. are chess.com's chess puzzles. Can we just say chess.com and know we're talking about the chess puzzles? It feels insane to have something so asterisked out on this list. I would actually disagree because the first time it was chess.com and in the second round,

it was chess.com's chess puzzles. So I do think the distinction is important for posterity. It just feels like we're talking about an activity at that point. Like at this point, we should consider like looking at old pictures. of some friends you had in college is my favorite toilet game. Moving forward for posterity is chess.com's chess puzzles.

Marvel Snap. Merge Maestro. Downwell. And then we need to pick a fifth. And we should have the conversation because Tiny Wings could... Desert golfing is right there. I don't want to, you know, rush

to take that game. off the board. Yeah? Tiny Wings just has more, just for me, I feel like Tiny Wings has more broad support amongst the group, but that's just me.

That's certainly my feeling. That's me too. That makes it three. And Fresh can't be heard right now, so we're just going to assume that he was saying, yes, if we're on passion for passion, I have a lot of passion for Tiny Wings. He's got a lot of passion for Desert Golfing.

Cancels out. Just got to go with a better game. And that is, let me see if for us disagrees. He's nodding tiny wings, he's saying. Oh, yeah. The drill just comes through his scene. Let me say this. He's kidding.

I adore Merge Meistro. When we look at the games on this list, I feel like we've got to put it at five just because it is sort of the young buck. And it hasn't earned its bathroom stripes. I would put chess.com's chess puzzles in that slot. Honestly, I think it's a really crazy. It's a really smart, really inventive way of making chess digestible, but it is the sort of experience that like after you do it a little bit, it's kind of frustrating and sometimes it takes too long and sometimes it's annoying. It's not, they don't have the variability or the fun. It's not as addictive as a version. I'd ask this, have you played it since they remodeled how all the chess puzzles and all the ranking and score chasing and stuff works. Because it is more gaming now. It is less sort of like a. yep thank you welcome uh it is more gamey it is more leaderboardy it is more i don't know it feels more like a game than you know do these do these little oh this is good yeah yeah i mean it's gonna get

you i i don't have a whole lot of religion here on these two i i like them both at five and four that feels good to me so can i merge maister at five oh wait we have a break in the drawing I'm breaking the drilling to say, I think Marvel Snap should be higher on the list, like five. Oh, that's, I... And I'm going to bust through the join just to say this, because it's a PVP game, and you're kind of at the whims of like...

That's true. You could go to the bathroom and not have a good experience. Yeah. Also, we've said that, like, we are not thrilled with where it's at right now. True. Yeah, no, for sure. Very true. It's the game I've played the least recently of these five, The least of the most not recent. Five Marvel Snap, four, merge maestro,

three chess.com's chess puzzles. We feel good about all that. And then we just get back to Tiny Wings v. Downwell again? Because it seems like we've made our feelings known about this. I think we have. I think this is actually going to come together very quickly. This is, man, the rubric was on point. Who knew?

Not me. I thought it was dirty dog water. But now I know I was wrong. Wait, hold on a second. This can't be right. No. We've swapped tiny wings and down, wait. Downwell.

Oh, yeah, no, you're right, you're right, you're right, you're right, you're right, you're right, right. That was my mistake. That was my mistake. People couldn't see what happened. I swapped, I may have let my heart speak and put Tiny Wings at number one, which definitely would not make sense considering it only barely not again. Recently lost to Downwell. Yes, that's not right.

Marvel Snap. Merge Maestro. I am surprised that chess puzzles didn't go higher. It's crazy to me. It's my number, it's my, it's probably my number one, but I know it ain't going to get there. Sorry, guys, I have to say, if I could just show you this interface that we're looking at here.

Is the UX win at this point? It's, no, you see, like, rankings. Like, you can see how your friends are doing in the puzzles, like, in their journey. You can see how far they've come. Like, you can see where they are on the path. you can see how your friends are comparing to you like look we've got a little journey here that's showing my progress in the chess puzzles and there's friends who are on it too right it's like a fully formed thing it looks like a little mobile game puzzle game but with like chess cutesy chess art and if we took away this arbitrary restriction that you fucking narcs put on it saying you can't have the rest of the chess in there this thing would be number one I do believe just as sheer tonnage of the offering. But that's just me.

I'm happy with it. A third place finish, if that's where it lands. All right. I'm also submitting steam, the entire steam library, if that's okay. Is that appropriate? I'm also submitting steam pouring out of the pipe in Russ's ceiling that was recently drilled through. It looks like, oh, it's all plaster and steam just boiling out of there. I like this list.

It's a great list. Thanks so much for listening. Can you give it to us one more time because there was some confusion at the end? Christopher. Okay, so the very final list is number five, Marvel Snap, number four, merge maestro, number three, chess.com's chess puzzles, number two, tiny wings, number one, downwell. Yes, and number six, who shot Johnny Rock on Sega CD. Thank you so much to everybody who made a game this year. You all really left it all out in the field. Congratulations. Thanks to our supporting the besties. We genuinely appreciate you so much. Thank you. Thank you. Oh, and you should check out

the blog post because we're going to include a ton of honorable mentions. So many more great games that you can play on the potty. That's going to do it for us. Until next time, be sure to join us again for the besties because shouldn't the world's best friends be the world's best games. Besties!