The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Bonus Episode 1

Episode Date: May 3, 2018

Welcome to the biggest solution in the universe. I'm Maddox. With me is Dick Masterson. Yeah, buddy. That was a kick-ass intro. And Sean, our audio engineer, thank you for joining us, Sean. Hey, Sean. Put the cap back on that soda and say hello.

Hello. You spicy, spicy, son of a whore. Yeah, so the biggest solution in the universe, Dick, we're doing something a little bit different here. So we decided to bring in the biggest solution that would benefit mankind or has already benefit of mankind, right? You know, that's the thing about the solution. That's what we're trying to find out. It's got the biggest solution. Maybe it's the biggest solution in the future. Maybe it's the biggest solution right now. Maybe it's the biggest solution no one has even thought about

before. Or we've stumbled upon it and no one's using it. In this show. You and I have stumbled upon it in this show and no one's even using it. Is that what you're saying? Uh, well, no, not unless we have like shotguns and chainsaws in here, because I imagine at some point, those will be potential solutions. Those are great solutions. Yeah. They're definitely, solutions of some problems. So that's the show in a nutshell. We decided to make it similar to the original show, but we didn't want to have the solutions be part of the large problems. And sometimes the solutions we bring in will be solutions to problems we've mentioned in the biggest problem in the universe. So, uh... Well, you know, you can't make an omelette without breaking a shitload of eggs.

That's how the saying goes. So sometimes a solution is a problem in and of itself. Very philosophical, dick. Yeah. Yeah. The, so, We also have something very special, because this is our very first bonus episode, thank you for purchasing, thank you for supporting the show. A lot of people have asked in the comments, because we kind of mentioned it, Dick and I teased, that we recorded six episodes of this show a long time ago, about it over a year ago. Oh, God. Yeah.

That's what you've been working on? Yeah. Oh, shit. Yeah, so I brought in a super cut of our very first episode. It's just about a minute of just some cut-up bits. and pieces of our very first ever episode when Dick and I were kind of fumbling through the dark, not knowing what the hell we're doing. Yeah. I'm so glad you didn't tell me that this is what you were doing before. Oh, yeah. Well, I'm sure you would have tackled me. Um, so without further ado,

let's, uh, let's hear this is our very first episode, Supercutt. Here we go. Bums masturbating. I think it's a huge problem. When you see a bum, you think if I were a bum, where would I Where would I masturbate? I think that's your first thought. Yeah, that's exactly, okay. Yeah, you figured it out. Yeah. So I was passing this bomb and I thought, why not masturbate?

Then I started thinking about how annoying potheads are. I guarantee five minutes ago when you first mentioned this, we lost 70% of our listeners right there forever. I mean, that's it. This is something we should have mentioned. So, because they're too stone to change and turn it off. They're just sitting there listening. Yeah, you lazy idiots. This is the first time I've ever told this to anyone.

Your anus, fissures in your anus from eating too much produce, they tear up people's assholes. Are you like Winnie the Pooh? Like, you can't stop eating your tasty treats? They tear up my asshole. I am curious to see if I can poop blue. My pooper was all cut up. I got a hairy ass.

You and your effing studies. That's the problem. That's the problem. Yeah? Do you want to be nice? I'm talking. Everybody's got diarrhea. You should be encouraging.

Diaryia. You want to have people coming in at all times to get. Diary. Both of your problems are really gross. Podcasts are in your face all the time. They're on Facebook. They're on Twitter. Are you on Twitter?

How can people follow you on Twitter? Cota, gofyourself.com. You drink more than anyone I know. How would the semen get from the bum's clothes? behind a dumpster into the middle of the street. Like, what do you, like a geyser over there? I hate to make him look at my asshole. I remember that.

You were talking about a doctor. You feel bad going to a proctologist and making them look at your asshole. No, it wasn't a proctologist. It's my general doctor. Oh, that's right. That was why it was so weird. Yeah.

Yeah. Because I was afraid that my pooper was all cut up because I was eating too many blackberries. And you were like, well, how am I just too much? And I'm like, I don't know, a couple pounds a week. No, no, too much is when your asshole gets shredded because you're eating them, that's too much. You've eaten one too many blackberries the moment that happens. What, Sean, what are you thinking?

I just remember that that was early 2012. Yeah, two and a half years. Long-ass time ago. I saw the files the other day. Clearly not the well-oiled machine it is today. That was a great super cut. Yeah, thanks. Yeah, so that's what I've been working on all afternoon.

But Dick, no more Tom Foolery. By the way, we'll post this clip online so you can hear the whole thing without all the interruptions and stuff. But yeah, Dick, we got some comments. Yeah, I got one from Jen. This came in an email. She wanted to thank you, thanks me and Maddox,

for talking like regular human beings during the show. She says, I don't know where the hell it started or when, but it seems like three quarters of podcast hosts these days have the affected cadence of a hipster William Shatner, and it's fucking annoying. Yeah, man. I can't listen. First of all, there are two types of podcasts.

Two things I hate in most podcasts. First of all, it's just aimless rambling. They don't have any direction they're going in. Every single one of our shows, we have content that we bring in. We have research. We know what we're doing, and we have a structure to our show. It's not just, well, let's just shoot the shit for an hour because we can. Yeah, like verbally just jerking off for an hour.

No, nobody wants to hear that. You got to put something out there. You got to put a real opinion out there. I think that, and I think we do that. Yeah, we do that. We have points of view. And we also don't have that bullshit. Like she said, what is it? The hipster William Shatner. Yeah, and I don't know what that is, because I don't listen to other podcasts. Is it like the radio DJ voice? No, the radio DJ voice sometimes, I've seen that performance voice come on sometimes. But it's more like this dick, where you're thinking and you're trying to come across as more intellectual. No, I get that because when I listen to our podcast, I'm horrified at the number of like flubs and fuck-ups that you and I have that I have on any given episode.

Like, that is not, uh, that's not how you say that, dick, you idiot. Like, it's, it's not blowing sunshine up someone's ass. That's not the right saying. But, yeah, no, it's funny. I always, I always cringe when I hear it afterwards too. Yeah. And we get more right than we get wrong. and our asshole fans are very quick to point out when we get it wrong.

You know, and it makes me respect to George W. Bush a whole lot more because he was able to speak eloquently on so many topics of geopolitical, global politics, so eloquently for so many years. Yeah, almost as eloquently as you got that sentence out. Hey, Dick, speaking of awesome podcasters, I got one from Yosef Scott. He says, Dick might be the worst podcaster I've ever heard. What the fuck? And I've heard Jesse Ventura's podcast.

What am I getting shit from someone who listens to Jesse Ventura all the time? What was that guy's name? Yosef, Joseph? Joseph. Fuck you, is he a foreign guy? Yuck you, Joseph Scott. Fuck this guy. He's not buying this episode?

No, he's not buying this episode. We can talk all this shit we want. Let's dedicate the rest of this episode to talk about Yosef. Yeah. What do you got? I got, oh, this is a great one. I've been waiting for this episode to bring this in. Ethan Heberle says, and I bring this up because it came up that your mom listened to a couple of our episodes.

And he asks, did Maddox's mom listen to the episode about her not giving his dad blowjobs? Oh, I don't know. I haven't heard. She called me tonight and I didn't answer. I assume it's about that because she called late. It's late at night. And I don't, I never, it's never good if a mom calls late at night. It's always just like something tragic or.

Oh, that's true. Yeah. You never want a late night phone call from anyone in your family. No, I'll give you that. Or during the day. I got a comment from Matt Bertram. He says, Matt X, you got me laid the other night. My friend and I were listening to the episode where Dick raged about Tinder.

And I said, I would never use Tinder. That's only for desperate people. I'd much rather date someone like you or some bullshit I really wasn't paying attention. But it got out that I kind of liked her and we went to her room and banged. It was so cool. Thanks. He's dedicated that to you? Yeah.

That was my problem and my rant, you motherfucker. That's one for me. I got that guy laid. God damn it. I don't know. Sounds like I got him laid. God damn it. Yep.

All right, I got one from, oh, this is one from at Maddox Rules. It says, at Dick Masterson guest I mockery, pusses out when challenged to drink hot sauce. the challenge remains you are being called out both of you and then there's an emoticon

that looks like a vagina this is you you wrote this on Twitter are you calling me out on the internet with emoticons that I have never seen before? Yeah I invented the pussy emoticon it's open parentheses

pipe close parentheses looks like a vagina how fucking dare you anyone can read this on Twitter Uh-huh. Oh, you motherfucker. Well, if the challenge is on, it's fucking on. Oh, yeah.

I didn't know this was a thing. Oh, yeah. It's on, buddy. You're on. You're going to drink some hot sauce? Yeah. Okay. I'm not going to let some asshole call me a pussy on the internet.

Are you fucking kidding me? It's the best asshole in the universe. That's me, buddy. It's on. What do you want to do? Great. We're going to drink a bottle of hot sauce at the end of this episode. What's at stake?

Something's got to be at stake. Sounds like new upholstery. in their car. Yeah. You want to re-apulster my car after we shit our way home? See, that's the thing. That's a myth.

I never shit after I eat spicy food. The only time that's ever happened to me is that episode that I have on YouTube when I ate the world's spiciest pepper. That actually did happen. Yeah, I'll drink you fucking hot sauce. Great. I'm half Mexican, man.

Yeah. I hope it's the inside half. I think it's from the chest down. You got any more? Yeah, I got one last comment. This is from Kenneth Tan. He says, Was Dick really serious, or was he just spinning a yarn about bringing a depressed guy back to live in his house?

That's really awesome if it happened for real. What do you say, Dick? Yeah. From Burning Man. So for people who haven't heard that episode, Dick brought back something worse than an STD from Burning Man. Yeah. Which is a living dude. An unemployed man.

Yeah. It didn't work out, by the way. That poor guy shipped back home. Oh, he's not here anymore, huh? Look, he had just been cheated on multiple times, but he didn't have a job. I wanted to give him a shot in L.A. in a new, exciting place. But to the point that this guy's making,

everything that we say on this show is true. Yeah. Everything. Yep. For better or worse, and even worse, everything is absolutely true. Yeah. So if you were wondering if any of this is bullshit, it's not. Yep.

Well, so, yeah, Dick absolutely did bring in a living guest. Anyway, Dick, let's get to the solutions, yeah? Yeah, the solution for that guy wasn't moving to L.A. No, as it turns out. Or even going to Burning Man. I mean, there's so many solutions that guy needs. I don't know, but I got a real solution, okay? I'm kicking this show off with the biggest solution in the universe right away.

We don't even need to continue after this problem. Okay, well, you mean solution. Solution, right, after this solution. You guys, Sean and Maddox, you both know how much. I love the environment. Right? Big, big fan. Excuse me.

I mean how much I hate the fucking environment. That's correct, yes. The environment has been fucking with us for 100,000 years. Ever since, whenever our species first deviated from monkeys or whatever the correct word for that is, the environment has been fucking with us. Yeah, it's monkeys. The environment fucks with you before you're even awake in the morning. It's making you too cold or it's making you too hot.

Or it's shooting sunbeams in your eyes when you're trying to sleep and you're hung over. It's fucking with you. I can't argue with that. No, you can't. Fuck the environment. However, I'm going to save the whole fucking environment on this show. How's that, Dick? All right?

With nuclear fucking power. That's the biggest solution in the universe. Okay. Bravo. I'm on board with this, Dick. Okay? Because if it's going to where I think it's going, and I hope it is, I'm going to back you up on this. Yeah, yeah. So, I was doing a shitload of research on nuclear power, right?

Yeah. And you know those... My first thought was, hey, why don't we have nuclear power in cars? Yeah, because it's a terrible idea. If a car crashes, then you have a potential nuclear reactor and a meltdown. Well, that's what I found. Apparently, that's why. However, you know those gigantic cargo ship containers? Yes.

Yeah. How many cars do you think... one of those pollutes worth. What do you ask? I don't know. Refraise that. What do you ask me? Like, you compare a gigantic cargo ship container to a car, a regular automobile driving around. So how much

pollution the engine that drives a giant cargo ship produces compared to a car? Compared to a car. What do you think? Like 10,000 cars? Boy, no. More? Probably, yeah, probably around that. Yeah, about 10,000. More? Maybe 50,000? No, 10,000 seems reasonable. Okay, well, then this is really

gonna blow your balls off. This stats are really gonna blow your balls up. Okay. According to some insider maritime data, the top 15 tank, the 15, 15, 1-5 tankers in the world, cargo containers in the world, pollute as much as all of the cars. What? All of them. Every, every car on earth combined? 760 million cars. Holy shit. Yeah, because they use this shitty, low-grade ship bunker fuel that has like 2,000 times the sulfur of the diesel that they use in gas or the regular stuff that they use in gas. Oh, wow. Yeah, you know, when they pull those barges up to the gas station, they're not filling it with unleaded,

are they? No. They're just doing whatever bullshit because they don't need to. There's no regulation. Also, because they're traveling through international waters, no one can regulate them, right? Well, that's how they fixed it. So they found this out and they're like, well, why don't you guys just sail around a little further away from us?

They never would want to fix it. Commerce would just grind to a halt. Well, Sean, I got a solution for you. Nuclear fucking power. You can't put reactors on cars because they're being driven around by shitheads and teenagers. Why don't we throw them on 15 tankers? There we go.

All of this smog reduction shit that we have to go through every year to go get our cars checked, it's all gone. Dick, first of all, I feel like you would be safe carrying a nuclear reactor in your car because you drive so fucking slow. And you don't use your horn,

so you're like the safest driver on the road. Buddy, I will race you anywhere. Yeah, I'll race you on my bike, my friend. Anywhere, I'll fucking race you. I'll be drinking hot sauce on my bike, racing you. And by the way, Dick, so here's the problem with that, that solution of yours.

Who's going to pay for these nuclear reactors? They're not fucking cheap, especially if they're going to try to retrofit these giant barges, these giant tankers. I don't know. How much are we spending on fixing all the pollution coming out of cars? wherever that's going by these goddamn reactors.

How much are we spending on fucking windmills? Yeah, how do we regulate other countries, dick? If you want, say, Belgium to chip in on this solution, how are you going to come... What's America just going to come in with Mr. Bossy Pants? Say, hey, listen up, Belgium. Dude, I actually found that a shitload of people are dying in Holland because of the pollution of all...

Because it's like a huge shipping place. Yeah. There's a shitload of people like dying of cancer because these gigantic tankers come in and out of there all day. That seems like there's a number of steps missing in between logically. Is your problem money? Is your problem with this money? How about we take all of the reactors that we have on submarines

and put them on these cargo containers? Dick, you realize reactors are very specific. They're engineered specifically for the vessel that it was made for. Have you seen the nuclear reactors on aircraft carriers? They're fucking ridiculously huge. The pistons themselves are about as tall as two or three people standing on top of each other. Shoulders on top of each other's shoulders. They're giant.

These things are huge. So if you put a nuclear reactor on these barges, first of all, you'd have to retrofit it or create an entirely new barge. Who's going to pay for that? I don't care. Okay. Look, that's a whole different solution. How to pay for it? Make a Kickstarter.

I don't fucking know. Kickstarter, there we go. Yeah, Kickstarter to fix all car pollution in the whole goddamn world. That's the, you guys, people paid $2 million to make a dumb digital pen that draws shitty plastic shapes in the air that none of them will ever use. Did you see that thing? Yeah, that Kickstarter. Two million bucks, fix all pollution.

How much money you think that'll raise? Yeah, this Kickstarter with this stupid 3D pen that essentially just like, it's goops out plastic. you can just mold it. Yeah. You know what it is? It's that Dairy Queen chocolate shell. When you dip the ice cream in the chocolate shell and it comes out and you get that nice, delightful chocolate shell on that?

Seems like the same concept except for 3D pen. It's like a chlamydia pen. It's Fosters Freeze, isn't it? The Frosters Freeze is another company that does it. And I don't know which international ones do it. But you guys, you know, you Brits and stuff probably know. You probably have something similar. Listen to me.

It's nuclear power, right? Yeah. Okay, it's not just cargo containers that it could solve. Yeah. It's all fucking. energy. Why is, so I looked at like the global energy usage. Right. And out of all the types of energy, nuclear power is trending down. Because people are terrified of it. People are afraid of it. People are afraid of it. Well, it should be fucking skyrocketing. Yeah, but then what if you have

another Fukushima reactor where an earthquake comes, you can't, you can't prove those things against earthquakes entirely. So what are you going to do? Nuclear reactors? I don't make them better. Make them better. Look, that's the road to progress to me, okay? Yeah. Is you got to have some enormous catastrophes along the way, and we're not going to get anywhere with windmills. Dick, okay, I'm going to play Devils of Advocate here, your favorite, I know.

But you've seen the Somali Pirates, what's that stupid Tom Hanks movie about the Somali Pirates? Captain Phillips. Captain Phillips, based on the true story. So let's say you have one of these barges going through one of these pirate places, and they hijack it. Suddenly they have access to nuclear fuel. These pirates. Well, put a rail gun on it then. Okay.

To keep them away. I don't know. But let's take all our submarines and aircraft carriers and just follow those 15 cargo ships around. Dick, are you talking about, now there's two types of nuclear reactions. There's fission and fusion. You're talking about fissionable material. It's highly dangerous because... Yeah, I'm talking about light water nuclear reactors.

Like regular water nuclear reactors, the ones that we have that exist. Yeah, so if there's a spill, or if one of these tankers gets attacked by pirates or something, they just ram a boat into it. Terrorists ram a boat into this. You know what? If guys like you ran this shit, we would never have a Jurassic Park. You would be sitting there in the board meeting going, oh, guys, what if these dinosaurs get out of control? They eat the tourists. That's you.

That's you. We don't have a Jurassic Park. Because of guys like you. You're like Jeff Goldblum. You are Jeff Goldblum. Yeah. Hey, hey, I got an argument for you then. Yeah.

You like space so fucking much. I love it. You think we're going to get there by strapping propellers on our heads like Dennis the Menace and sailing around shooting in? Nukes are going to get us into space, buddy. Okay, sure. Except we haven't used nukes to get into space.

We've used conventional rocket fuel. How's that working out? Pretty great. I disagree. Yeah, check the moon, buddy. We got prisms and go-karts and all sorts of crazy shit up there. Space maybe, but we're never going to get beyond that without some gigantic nuclear rockets. You're so horny for nuclear energy.

Why? Is this a libertarian thing? No, no. It's really not. It's really not. And that's why I brought up the environment first. So what originally attracted me to this solution was recently California shut down. our San Diego San Anaprio nuclear power plant.

Yeah. Okay, shutting that plant down set California back 20 years when it comes to low emission energy. Yeah. So like we've been ramping up, we've been putting these ugly windmills everywhere and these stupid solar plants everywhere,

simply shutting down that plant negated 20 years of building out low emission energy. And that to me is insane. But it's because the nuclear plant was built on the ocean. It's basically built on the coast. They have to be. Nuclear plants have to be built next to to like a shitload of water. Right.

And they found that it was leaking. No, it wasn't leaking. It was because when it was operating at 100% power output, it was actually made too well. There were vibrations in the in cooling pipes I think that don't have anything to do with

radioactivity. Like they don't vent radioactive gas. They're just like a cooling system that aren't essential to the plant. They would vibrate in such a way on one reactor that there would be one in 10,000 of these pipes was long enough to like collide with another pipe. However, if they ran it below 70%,

it was totally fine. Like it was totally fine and impossible to cause any problems in that non-essential part of the power plant. So if they had just said, okay, we'll run it at 70 forever. You know, Dick, that's a nice explanation, and I buy it, but the entire time you were talking,

you sounded like the professor from The Simpsons. Professor Brickle Would that be better if I did it in like a silly voice Like a fucking puppet Hey kids No yours is silly enough Dick Okay that's a good

That's a good solution I could see that However Still the nuclear The nuclear fusion reactor Is just inherently dangerous If it has a meltdown You have another Chernobyl

So the cost of a mistake Right It happens infrequently But the cost of a mistake Is pretty fucking catastrophic Chernobyl still isn't inhabitable and won't be for another, what, 150 years? Yeah, so let's build one there. Let's get a bunch of robots in there and build one there as a Kickstarter.

If people are volunteering to go on a one-way mission to Mars, they'll probably volunteer to go on a one-way mission to build a nuke in Chernobyl. Here's how I address that. Yeah. Everything is always fucked when we start doing it. Okay. Okay? Yeah.

Ships were, remember the Pilgrims and Christopher Columbus sailing around and Magellan's sailing around on their shitty ships. Hey, even this podcast was fucked when we first started doing. Yeah, it took us six podcasts. They even got one that we would show anybody. Yeah. So the way you fix that is not by shying away and investing in windmills and solar plants

and whatever other garbage you got, you got to charge full steam ahead. Dick, I want to be on board with this, but I think the future is fusion reaction, buddy. Fusion reaction, because once we get fusion down, which we have, we just haven't created fusion reactors that quite create an energy surplus. We're basically generating enough energy

to keep the fusion going. But once we get that going really efficiently, and I've read this BBC article a while back where they were actually able to create a net positive return on energy through fusion, but I don't think it was enough to power anything. But once we get that going, we're going to be creating our own elements, buddy.

We're going to make gold. You You're crazy Yeah We're not making gold No We're making hydrogen Huh?

No, that's too big of a step No, we can make It's too big of a step to go straight to that Now what's the second Deuterium? Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah I got some, let me see

I got some more stats for you If you're interested in that I actually read I read this really interesting study Going That Spelled out How many nuclear plants

We would need to run the entire Earth Yeah, how many? Well, hold on. It's more complicated than that. So we've got about like 15 terawatts, a global need. Right now there's like 375 gigawatts that we currently have of nuclear technology. We need 15,000 nuclear reactors.

15,000? How many do we have now? I think like in the 100. Okay. So we need 10% more every year until 2050. They're just rebuilding nuclear reactors on top of nuclear reactors. on top of nuclear reactors. Wouldn't it be awesome?

No. We'd have skilled labor. We'd be shipping Americans all over the world building nuclear plants. Okay. It would be like the British Imperial Age

except Times America. Great. And where are you going to put these nuclear reactors in Los Angeles? Can you imagine that with all the fucking earthquakes here? Or in Hawaii with the volcanoes? I mean, there's this places where you can't put nuclear energy, period.

Montana, what are you going to put one in Yellowstone? Yeah, I know your answer is yes. You know they're drilling for oil in Yellowstone? There was an oil spill in Yellowstone a couple years ago. The news totally buried it. Have you ever been to Yellowstone? Yeah. Okay, so you don't need it anymore.

I'll probably never go. Fuck it. Dick. Oh, man. So dismissive of everything. But I will, you know, back to your very, very first statement about this solution. Yeah. I do have contempt for the environment.

I do hate the... I feel like the environment is here for us to completely use to every last ounce and capacity. And molecule. Yes. Every last molecule this Earth belongs to us, and we need to use it to get the fuck off this planet because it's doomed, you idiots. Yeah. Yeah. So if aliens came around here and saw what we're doing right now, do you think they would be more impressed with 15,000 nuclear power plants and a bunch of atomic American G-Men running around the Earth stopping meltdowns at the last second?

Or are they going to see a bunch of solar plants And going, oh, you guys are just sitting around like plants That's how you get your energy Fuck you, we're going somewhere cool Where they're doing cool science stuff Yeah, I don't know, man Plants just kind of evolved and figured out How to use energy that was just in the air

Versus building these expensive-ass reactors That melt down and then create mutants And people who have cancer You're gonna shit on mutants? That's the craziest thing I've ever heard How else are we gonna get women with three tits without nuclear reactors melting down all over the place. Yeah, prosthetics, and they'll fake it.

All right, Dick. You got anything else on this? I think I do. Well, I wrote this dude put all these reasons why you can't have 15,000 nuclear power plants, but I don't know how many of them are interesting. He did say, if we had that many reactors, there would be a major accident somewhere in the world every month, statistically.

Yeah, pretty much. Yeah, but it's like, if you can't base your statistics on, these early numbers. No, no, no, no. Well, okay, so the first woman who tried to fly around the world crashed. I guess we shouldn't have any women pilots then.

Well, I mean, no one's saying no. But, no, was she really the first woman? I have no idea. No, she wasn't the first woman. Pilate? Amelia Earhart? No, she was the first woman to try to fly around the world, yes. But not the first woman pilot. I think the Wright brothers were the first women pilots.

Hey, no one no one verified their gender. Anyway, yeah, what other problems does he have with this solution of yours? He's got, let's see, you already mentioned how long it would take to build all the plants. Yeah, and also, Dick, if one of these melted down, there would be a nuclear reaction zone, like a meltdown zone that you couldn't inhabit at least 10 mile radius, right? Well, then we better come up with something to fix that. Because that's going to be a problem in space where you want to go so bad, isn't it?

Yeah, I don't know, man. I think ugly windmills don't sound too bad when the alternative is cancerous tumors growing out of your fucking eyeballs. Well, here's something I did by that was interesting. Apparently, we'd run out of uranium in like five years. Yeah. However, there's a different type of reactor. Yeah. A breeder reactor.

When I wrote it down somewhere. Some kind of weird reactor that can create more fizzle material than it uses. But it's more dangerous. In what we have. Yeah, in Utah, there's this company called waste management, I think it was called waste management or something. They took over the Delta Center where they played basketball. Anyway, this company's entire business model,

their entire business is they take nuclear waste and they have this sophisticated system to get rid of it. So I looked into it one day, I'm like, wow, how do they get rid of nuclear waste? You know how they get rid of it? They just bury it in sand. They're not getting rid of it. They're just putting it underground in these drums that leak eventually.

nothing. These drums aren't going to be able to contain nuclear fissionable material. After time, they're always going to leak. And you just have a radioactive waste in ground that is also susceptible to terrorist attacks. Then you have to hire security and military, and you have to hire third-party companies to guard these sites where we're just dumping nuclear waste. You know what? I just realized why this solution is never going to work. What? Because high-level scientific solutions like this are. no longer made by intelligent scientists.

They're made by Twitter. They're made by assholes on the internet who have opinions. That's who's making these decisions. Yeah. But this isn't a show about problems, is it? No. It's a show about solutions. If it was a problem, it would be every fuckhead in the world has a voice now,

instead of, like, the old days, when nobody could hear you if you were stupid and you didn't know what you're talking about. Because nobody was fucking listening. That's true. That's true, isn't it? I do miss the good old days. Well, so since this is a show about solution, don't you think it's about time that we had one? I could have.

Yeah. Here's my solution. Okay, buddy. Kicking ass. Okay. Yeah, how's that for a solution, huh? Pretty good. You got a problem, you kick its ass.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think Devo wrote a song like that. Oh, yeah? I don't know. Whip it. You got a son.

I know you've heard that song. Yeah, I have heard that song. Yeah, I have heard that song. There's a problem comes along. You must whip it. Yeah, so kicking ass. ass, yeah, that's the song, Dick. Yeah, that's exactly what my solution is. Now, if you have, so I want to give an example of kicking ass. My dad. My dad has kicked ass his whole life,

and life has kicked his ass. He's deaf in one ear. He is basically a lumbering piece of meat that kind of just works together. It's just a bunch of different pieces of a body that come together to form a hole where all he does, he's a machine that chops lumber and welds. That's what he does to be happy. I have never seen this man listen to music. This man is a machine. He's never watched TV. He's not sensitive at all.

His hands are rough and callous. I would rather run my hand over splintered wood than your own father's hand. Because the splinter wood is going to be softer. He's one of the toughest guys I've ever met. He's 84 years old now, and in the last 10 years alone, he has survived the following. He's fallen off a roof three times. Okay. Always comes home banged up and bleeding from his forehead and from his face and his nose,

and he looks bruised and beat up, and my mom always says, what the hell were you doing? What happened? He said, nothing. He just lies. That's just normal. Yeah. He's like, it's nothing. Don't worry about it.

What is it really? He fell off a roof. Oh, that's how he gets his. head banged up? Yeah, he falls off a roof and he gets his head banged up. This sounds like a late season of married with children. Everybody's falling off roofs all the time. Yeah, no, it's happened multiple times with my dad. Why is he on roofs all the time?

He's always patching something, fixing something, chopping something down. I don't know, what the fuck he's doing? He's always on the roof. What kind of roofs do you guys have in Utah? He's trying to get Channel 6. See, Sean, that's not true, actually, because he's never watched TV. The guy doesn't watch TV. He don't think, except unless there's boxing on.

He used to be a former boxer, right? So, wait a minute. So you said he's 84? He's 84, yeah. That's fascinating to me. So you were raised by a different generation than all of your peers. Yeah. That's interesting.

Yeah, my dad is a very old school. So, yeah, he's fallen off the roof multiple times, and he comes in and just lies about it. And, yeah, it tells my mom nothing's happened. He doesn't believe in medicine except for one. One thing. It's this medicine called Corona. Have you ever heard of this? The beer? No. Oh. I think it's spelled like the beer, but it's called Corona. That's because it's horse medicine. My dad would go to Kmart and buy this tub of horse medicine. It's for healing hoofs, hoof injuries, and gashes in horses.

And it smells god-awful. And he would put this stuff on himself. And then to save money on Band-Aids, he would use masking tape. So he'd always walk around. Jesus Christ. This sounds like a... It's like a Mexican Frankenstein. Yeah. Horse balm and masking tape holding him together. Yeah, that's it. It's horse balm and masking tape, keeping

my dad together. And he just like wraps it around. He eats cloves of garlic all the time and drinks jugs of vinegar. Yeah. Just smells awful. And that's why my mom and my dad have not slept in the same bed for years and years. So he's survived

falling off the roof at least three times. He survived having a hard attack. We took him to the hospital when he was having a heart attack, and while he was still suffering from a heart attack, he pinched the nurse ass. And he survived, he survived a stroke. What did the nurse do? The nurse, you know, dirty old man. She was, yeah. Oh, man, you could get away with that. That's great. Yeah, she just kind of like giggled because he's like this old, harmless-looking guy. Little does she know. But he survived a stroke. He survived a heart attack. He survived cancer.

He survived. Yeah. And then at 84, 83 years old, or 82 years old a couple years ago, he was outside working on the snow plow because he still plows his own snow. And he was lifting the plow up and he dropped it on his leg, shattered his ankle, shattered his shin. And so what did he do? He lifted it up, set it aside. It's got to be at least 400 pounds or so. I don't know how much these plows weigh.

They're insane. They're just pure metal, pure iron. So he looked at it up, set her aside, like dragged himself home. And when he came inside, my mom was like, what's going on? What's wrong with your leg? Goes nothing. So my mom figured it out pretty quick because his leg is like flopping. And so she puts him in the car, takes him to the hospital and says, wait right here.

I'm going to go get a stretcher for you. Yeah. Okay? Wait right here. She runs inside, tells a doctor. And while she's explaining the doctor what happened, my dad's in the car, whatever. The doctor turns around, I was like, is that him in the hospital? And she turns around, my dad's jumping into the hospital, hopping on one leg.

And my mom's like, yeah, yeah, that's him. And so they rush over a wheelchair to my poor dad. He sits down in the wheelchair. They take him upstairs and put him in bed. And he turns to my mom and said, so how much is this going to cost? And my mom said, I don't know, like $5,000. He says, what? And he starts getting out of bed.

He's like climbing on the scaffolding of the hospital bed. And it took three nurses to wrestle him back into bed, and they sedated him. And, of course, he hit on the nurses as well. It was probably just a trick to cop a bunch of feels. Ah, yeah, I couldn't say. I wouldn't put it past him. So, yeah, that's my dad. He kicks ass, and life has kicked his ass.

Sounds like the solution should be your dad, not kicking ass. Yeah. That's a lot of, I mean, that's a lot of different things. Yeah, my dad's always been just a big hard ass. Any time I've ever driven his truck, I get in, and I turn on the radio, every single station is set to static. We went to a grocery store one time, and my dad was about to pull into a parking spot. And this guy, I guess, maybe my dad didn't see him, or maybe the guy didn't see my dad,

but this guy was going to pull into the spot and flipped my dad off. My dad lost his fucking mind, which means it's just his normal reaction. Right. My mom, I'd never seen her panic so much in my life, because, she knew what was coming. I guess she's witnesses before. My dad got out of the car, slammed the door, followed the guy up to the front, he goes, hey, and the guy

turns around, my dad comes up to him, takes his shirt, pulls it over his head. Like a hockey fight? Yeah, like a hockey fight. And it just starts pounding the guy's head. Was that a legal boxing move when he was a boxer? Oh, yeah. Pull someone's shirt over the head? Oh, he was disqualified. I'll tell you

that. So yeah, he beat the guy's ass, this, like, a 22-year-old punk. And then finally, my mom like pulls him off this poor kid and his girlfriend was watching too so we go back into the store and we're walking up and down the aisles and we see this we were walking down one aisle and we see the kid my dad just beat coming around the corner and he saw my dad and he stopped turn around and walked into this direction yeah kicking ass so that's kicking ass yeah no i i agree with you um do you remember when that uh do you remember when we did the show when we were working on that

show for Spike. Yeah. And it was up to Maddox and I had to find a host to host this, it was a, it was a format show. It was a show where you have hosts and they introduce bits and they have guests and stuff like that. It would have been a great show. But one of our, one of our questions for our potential hosts was, when's the last time you've been in a fight? Uh-huh. Because it's just, it doesn't happen anymore. Right. It's impossible, and it's very difficult to get in a fight. It is difficult to get in a fight. Uh, I even, a few times when I was drunk, I would walk up to some dudes in a bar. And just to put out my feelers, I say, hey man, there's a bar fight tonight.

You got my back? And everyone's like, no, I don't really, I don't know, I got a sweater on. I don't know, my girlfriend's over there. Like, yeah, sounds like her girlfriends right here. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know what you mean by her girlfriends right here. Oh, her girlfriend, the guy.

The guy I'm talking to. Yeah, you got to really dumb down your insults if you're going to walk around bars starting fights with, uh, it sounds like these like obtuse meta. Yeah. It's really hard to get in a fight these days, isn't it? Yeah, no, it is. And this is, like, I run my mouth all the time and I'm just not afraid to ever. Yeah.

I feel like it's, it's harder to get into a fight in big urban cities. However, if you're in Texas, you start fucking around, someone's going to hit, someone's going to punch you. Is that true or is that just like what Texas wants you to believe with their marketing? Well, did you see that video of that dipshit recently? who, yeah, the Texas marketing, that video recently of the dipshit who was calling that, like, bullying around that gay guy in an airport. Did you see that? No, I don't watch that shit. When it pops up on Facebook, I'm like, I don't need it. Like, I don't need to be either outraged or heart warmed by this. Yeah, I agree. Well, I have the rule. What is it about? Yeah, I have another rule where if I see something three times on Facebook, I'll eventually click on it because it's not going to go away and I have to look at it.

Yeah, this guy was bullying around some gay dude and eventually he'll just look like. like a trashy piece of shit. And he's just looking to start a fight. He cheap shot at this gay dude, like kicked him the balls. Whoa. Yeah, really fucked up. And then a bunch of people just tackled him and put him down, kicked his ass. That solved that solution.

That was the solution to that problem, wasn't it? Yeah. Yeah. You think that guy wouldn't do it again? Probably not. You know what's interesting is he was so homophobic, but it looks like he was just ready to race to jail. What do you mean, race to jail?

Well, by assaulting somebody. Oh, right. He's going straight to jail where there's a really good chance he's going to get raped. And it's not going to be gay. It's just going to be something that happens. Yep. So, interesting that he had that reaction. No, go ahead.

One other thing, like, kicking ass, like the modern version of kicking ass, you can kind of kick ass in video games. There is this... I'm going to stop you right there. Okay. You just gave this 10-minute... honorific of your father and what a badass he was. Yeah.

And you immediately transitioned into how you are good at video games. That is an insult to your father, sir, and I'm not gonna let you do it. Okay. Let's keep this about kicking ass and actually kicking ass. Yeah, well, what is the modern equivalent? If you have a whole bunch of pussy sitting in their parents' basement playing call duty, the modern equivalent, all you have is video games. You have to kick ass of video games.

What else they have? And the more surveillance that there is, the harder it is to kick ass. Like, you remember when those, recently those Dropbox guys kicked those poor Mexican kids off of their soccer court in San Francisco? Yeah. Did you see that? I did. These guys, so there was, okay, this is San Francisco, right? There's the ultra poor who've been there forever, and there are programmers who are rich, newly rich, and think that nothing is different,

and think that the world is run by machines and apps, right? They've got there, they've never experienced anything real. So these assholes use an app to reserve a city park that they think they're going to go play soccer on. Oh, yeah, they used an app, didn't they? They used an app. Yeah. So they show up at the park, and there's a bunch of Mexican kids playing on it. Like, you know, the poor youths that the park was built for.

Right. So they go, hey, we, I don't know if you guys are aware of this, but we reserved this park on our iPhones. So get the fuck out of here. and the guy, one of the Mexican guys, walks up and in his thick accent goes, I need to see your papers. It's like, the most ridiculous thing. Yeah, bureaucracy means bureaucracy, buddy. From a little Mexican kid, that's hilarious.

I need to see your papers. It's like, ooh! Yeah. So, sure enough, they have them. Uh-huh. And these douchebags are just astonished that this is happening to them. However, the reason I bring it up is because the whole thing's being recorded. Right?

So one of these Mexican kids, cheap shots, these guys are just cold cocks him like he deserves. Yeah. He's going straight back to fucking Mexico. Well, he might be a citizen dick. Sorry, sorry. He's going straight back to his... He might be put in juby or something, yeah.

Straight to jail. Right. So how can you kick ass anymore? Yeah. You know, like all of these, all of these, I feel like a lot of the problems with sexism too can be helped a little bit with a couple good ass kickings every once in a while.

Every once in a while, yeah. Because with some people, I feel like out of control, sexual aggression is directly linked to needing to fight. Oh, yeah. Needing to fight and not being able to have a fight.

You know, Dick, that's a really good point because I was thinking about it, this is something I've been thinking about for a long time, and I'm writing about, actually, is the modern hero. I feel like a lot of men, a lot of women may have missed their calling

because there aren't opportunity for us to be heroes. You see someone fucking around with someone? You see that guy who, that gay guy who was bullied in the airport? That's an opportunity for someone to step up, step up to the cause and stand up for somebody. See, this is what I was talking about before. It's step up to the plate. Yeah.

But we've got to talk so much and it's such intensity that you fuck it up and you can't, and it's okay. You got to step up to the plate and stand up for somebody. Yeah. But we don't have those opportunities because society is so safe. So maybe, yeah, maybe it's showing itself in different weird ways because we don't have those opportunities. I also think that I might be a good surfer. I may as my calling, I don't know. I may be.

Equally possible. Yeah. Two equally poignant statements by Maddox. Okay, but real quick, I just want to end on this about video games. That is the modern. That's the only way that you can kind of exert yourself if you're just a kid in your parents' basement. but there's this guy named, I think his name is Dago. He was playing a Street Fighter 3 championship back in 2004.

This is, oh my dad. Does your dad listen to this podcast? No, he doesn't listen to anything. He's like partially deaf because a grenade blew up next to him in Korea. Not in Call of Duty like for you? Yeah, a grenade blew up on me in Call of Duty and grenade blow up my dad. And he didn't drop his Tesla on his leg either. Yeah, different generations, my friend.

But what do you got, man? We're a bunch of pussyfied, we're a pusified youth, and all we have are video games, and you've got to exert your kicking ass in video games. But Daego is one such person. Back in 2004, he was playing a Street Fighter 3 game, and he was down to a sliver of health. And in Street Fighter 3, when you're down to a sliver of health,

you can't block anymore, because any attack will kill you. Right. Any special attack, whatever. So the opponent he was playing had, I think, three quarters of his energy left, right? And launches into a super attack. Now, tick.

Why are you being such an asshole? I'm sorry, is this so funny how you're describing it. Like, you're describing like a battle, like the Battle of the Bulge, except it's like video games. And I understand everything that you're saying. That's why I'm laughing. I'm totally engaged in this. These are athletes fighting in the arena of Street Fighter.

Yeah. Yeah, so Street Fighter 3, third strike. So he's fighting, I think it was Ken versus Chunley. Chunley... Oh, who is... Wait, who was down to no health? Ken. Oh, all right.

And that's there you go. Chun Lee. Chun Lee. That's a cheap character, man. So, Chunley, when her super power comes, when she does her super attack, she does this lightning kick, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where it's just like a whole bunch of rapid fire, like... Exactly, yeah, machine gun kicks, right?

and in Street Fighter 3, and I believe in Alpha as well, but you can parry... I'm sorry, go ahead. Dick! I'm not even saying your name. You can parry attacks in this game. Okay. By pressing towards the attack in just the right moment. I read somewhere online where you have, there are 30 frames of animation, and you only have four of those 30 frames of animation to execute a parry attack.

Oh. So she launches into a... a volley of attacks, right? Yeah. There's probably 10 or 15 attacks in a row, followed by an air attack. Daigo parried every single one of them, exactly at the right moment, then came back with a super and finished her off, down from a sliver of health to winning the match. To three quarters of the other health gone.

It's an unbelievable moment. I have the audio here. You have to hear this. I've actually seen, like, as nerdy as it is, I've seen this fight. Oh, it's incredible. I'll link to it on the website. But listen to this audio. Listen to this happening.

Rare footage of Daigo actually angry. I kind of cut up the clip because it's a longer clip, but that he parried every single attack. That's what a hero sounds like. Hey, it's all we got. It's all we got. What are we supposed to do? I know.

It's so sad. I got to tell you, I used to box and do a shitload of, like, martial arts stuff. Yeah. I don't know if I've told you about that before. No, and I wouldn't have guessed. What the fuck? What is that supposed to mean? I'll fight you right now.

But it, dude, I feel like it is an essential part of being a man. Maybe, I don't think it's a part of being a human. I think it's a part of being a man getting into fights or some kind of like physical altercation regularly. Because I felt great when I was fighting regularly. Like not drunk and fistful. fights in the street, but like boxing matches and kung fu fights where you get hit and you hit somebody, like the minor wins that you get every time that you, every time you make the decision to throw a punch or block a punch or do whatever you're doing, it just makes you feel

like a man. And I do think we're missing that in a big way. Well, it does take discipline to be able to take a hit and then stand up and shake that guy's hand. Someone who just punched you in the face and kicked your ass, you stand up and you shake their hand. That's, I think that's one of the of manliness. And women, too, women who fight do that as well. If they have that, if they have that discipline to fight somebody and then stand up and shake their hand afterwards, like, hey, thanks for them batch. Good match. I don't know what women who fight are doing. I honestly don't. They do the same thing. Yeah? Yeah, like Rhonda Rousey? Of course. She's a great fighter. Yeah, they do. Yeah, they do. I just don't know what's going on. I just don't know what

draws them to it. Like, it's hard for me to imagine that the same thing that draws me to fighting is what draws them to fighting. I'm not being sexist. I'm just saying like they... I'm not. I'm saying, okay, it's different, but like I wonder if it is different and how it's different.

Yeah, I don't know. That'll be a solution for another episode. What's your next solution, Dick? My next solution is... This is a big one. Surge pricing. Surge pricing. Okay.

What specifically, and why is that a solution? You know what it is? Surge pricing? Yeah. So it's the way... It's the way Uber. Uber prices things, right? What is Uber?

Uber is a taxi service where regular people sign up to be taxis via an app on their iPhone. Oh, yeah. Then other- No Mexicans. Whoa. Whoa! Hey, hey, I was making a soccer reference in San Francisco. I don't know what you're doing.

Oh, the Dropbox guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, the Dropbox guys. So the Dropback Skies would use it. They'd probably be big Uber users. Uber users, right, and this is, you're leading into what I'm talking about. So regular people can grab a car, grab the driver app, and they sign up to be drivers on Uber. Why would anyone use this? Well, then other people, instead of using a cab, who everyone hates, you call an Uber on your phone.

You say, come pick me up. The thing figures out how far you're driving and how much time it's taking, and it takes money, from your credit card and gives it to the regular person who's there driving you around. Okay, but why would I use this over a taxi? Because taxi's a raffle. Yeah. Everybody fucking hates them.

They never know where they're going. They're always assholes. Yeah. It's working for millions of reasons, some of which I can't even, like I wouldn't even think of if I listed them all. Okay. Right?

So you got surge pricing. Yeah. Surge pricing means when there's enough regular dudes that aren't coming out to drive around, you got to pay more. They raise the price. You've got to pay double to get what you want. All right.

If you really want a cab, like let's say it's two in the morning when all the bars close. Yeah. On Halloween. Yeah. It says, oh, surge pricing, you got to pay double.

Okay. Right? It sounds reasonable, right? No. To lure people out. To get you home, you're not going to pay double. No, in that case,

I think I would just get a cab because it would be cheaper. Good luck. There's no cabs. That's the point. Nobody wants to come out and drive it this time, right? I don't know, man. I feel like you could find an Armenian. This is a pretend world that you inhabit that no one else does. A bunch of Armenians, man. Cool guys.

Have you honestly tried to get a cab and it's been easy to do on like the worst possible times of the year? It's a pain in the ass, especially on Halloween. But you're able to do it? I have before, actually, because I am Armenian and I was able to flag down another Armenian because he's like, hey, bro, get in my car. Okay. Yeah. But otherwise, yeah, so you want to use Uber,

and they do the search pricing is double. How's that a solution? That seems like a problem. Why is that a solution? It's a solution because it gets you a ride home. Imagine if everything worked like this. Imagine you're at the grocery. You're always talking about being in a hurry, right?

Yeah, yeah. You're at the grocery store. Oh, great. It's a 20-minute wait to buy all my shit. Well, you know what, sir? Why don't you pay a little more? We'll open this lane up for you. Uh, great

Great Yeah I'll do it What you're on the freeway You want to pat You're driving to L-AX to pick somebody up Hey uh Why don't you pay a little more

We'll open this lane up for you Dick That's wrong I'm about to torpedo this whole fucking solution Okay let me just say this Yeah Everyone's always saying the rich Have too much money

Right Uh well Everyone's What was that whole 1% shit about It was that wealth collects with a certain number of people, right? Sure. So how the fuck are you supposed to hit them?

With luxury shit like this. Those Dropbox guys dropping $300 on a taxi, no fucking problem. How else are they going to get rid of that money? Yeah, all right, Dick. So here's the problem with this, okay? Because it's already happened to an industry, and it's ruined the entire fucking industry. Don't you dare say video games?

Nope. Airlines, buddy. Now you can pay a premium to check in first, It's $15. You can pay a premium to check luggage. $25. You can pay a premium for extra legroom. $50. You can pay a premium for extra extra legroom.

$75. You can pay a premium for first class. $1,000. And it never fucking ends. And guess what? Peanuts are a premium on Spirit Airlines. Water is a premium. It's a premium.

If you just bring a carry-on, you just want to put it in the overhead compartment that's sitting there fucking empty. They won't let you use it unless you pay a premium. That's the industry you've created, Dick. That's the industry this bullshit-ass solution has created. It's a problem, and I'm calling you on it. Let me tell you why you're insane and stupid.

Airlines just subsists on tax money. Let me just throw that out there. It's not even a business. Nothing that they do functions like a real business. They get in trouble, give them some free money. Fuck it. We got to have airplanes, right? Right.

They do absolutely nothing for you as the country. consumer. They do as much for you as a consumer as a fucking cable company. They don't give a shit. So how is that strengthening? That sounds like you're strengthening my argument, Dick. No, because they have you hostage, all right? This is, the surge pricing that I'm talking about is bringing regular guys in off the street to help you out, right? It's very different. They have, airlines have a limited amount of space. Right. To give away. And they're just raping you with it. As soon as they get, As soon as they start getting free money, any kind, any kind of reasonable behavior goes right out the window. No, but that's, I got an example counter to that.

What about farm subsidies? Farm subsidies, farmers aren't charging you premiums for all this other bullshit. They're not nickel and diming you. Go ahead. Yeah, farm subsidies. Because that's an industry that works. And if we didn't have farm subsidies, guess what? We're going to start shipping in corn from Czechoslovakia and wherever else in Europe, it's going to kill our industry.

And that's why we subsidize the plane industry, because if we don't, guess what? The plane manufacturers in Britain or China or Russia are going to outbid us, and then they're going to start selling us planes over here, and we lose the entire industry. It's not the ones making the planes, it's the one running them. Well, they're both shitty, but, I mean, what are you going to do? Farm subsidies have created high fructose corn syrup. Yeah. Like the thing that's killing everyone and making them fatter than fuck?

Yeah. Farm subsidies have directly created that because they had a bunch of leftover corn and they said, hey, we could make sugar out of this. Fuck it. Fuck you, sugar guys. Now we got a replacement for your natural product that didn't addict everyone to it. Okay, that's definitely a problem.

We're not talking about problems. We're not talking about solutions. Yeah, we're talking about solutions. I still don't hear a solution in this wolf you brought in in sheep's clothing here. I'll tell you why I brought it in. You want to know why I brought it in? Yeah, let's hear it.

Because it's right after Halloween, as you know, and everybody is fucking flipping out over their surprise surge pricing bills that they got from their cab, from their Uber rides home. Right, how much are we talking? Well, surge pricing, it could go up like nine times. Nine times the normal rate?

Yeah. So this stupid girl got hit with a $360 cab ride. Holy shit. For a 20-minute cab ride. and she posted this really bitchy I guess, I don't know, an email about it or some kind of Kickstarter thing, some kind of thing that you can set up to get free money.

You want to hear what she wrote? Yeah, what did she say? Last night was Halloween, great time. Today is my 26th birthday. Not so great time. I live in Baltimore and I went out with my friends to celebrate my birthday at midnight.

When 3 a.m. rolled around, I suggested we take an Uber home to avoid drunk driving. hashtag responsibility Oh, barb. Hashtag mad. M-A-D. I lived 22 minutes,

tops from the party I was leaving. When I awoke this morning, I heard a friend talking about how outrageous Uber rates were the night before. Nine times the original rate. I checked my bank account when unbeknownst to me I see a charge for $362.

Unbeknownst to me. Unbeknownst to me. Unbeknownst to me. You have to type in the surge price. Yeah, it makes it really difficult. for you to just agree to the rate without acknowledging the surge price. Really difficult for a sober person and even a person who's drunk out of their mind. You have to be blackout intoxicated to not see what you're doing.

Yeah, it's very difficult. Or to do basic math. Right. The rent is today. My rent is $450 and I can no longer pay it due to this completely outrageous charge. I've had little and no luck in disputing this transaction. Yeah. I work at blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and then she thanked...

Oh, yeah. I feel taken advantage of and cheated by the Uber name for a 20-minute ride. Blah, blah, this is bullshit and very, very depressing at the same time. Thanks for the ride, Muhammad. Whoa. That's how she closes it out. Wow. You know why this is a solution?

Huh. People like this don't deserve any fucking money. Yeah, but isn't there the end of the story, Dick? Didn't she raise enough money to cover her Uber fare? Yeah. She raised $500 to pay for her Uber fare. This is a person who, on Friday night, they don't have $400 in the bank,

but their priority is going out and getting shit-faced. Yeah, this moron, this piece of shit, going out getting shit-faced when she can't even pay her rent. She's down to her last dollar and she's taking Uber home. Fuck you. You know who this is? You remember Save Karen? Huh?

You remember that website? Savecaren.com? No. It's an irresponsible moron who raised something like 25,000. thousand dollars in credit card debt just by buying expensive luxury purses and shoes and then she realized one day oh shit i'm in a lot of debt and i'm never going to be able to cover this so she created a website called savekaren dot com that was a donation site before kickstarter and all this other bullshit and people actually donated yeah they they bailed her out and then what did she do

she said well i learned my responsibility by going through this ordeal no you haven't no you didn't people came in and bailed you out and then you got a book deal out of it oh good I guarantee you she's through that money. Man, it made me so mad. I broke my back so I could gna my own nuts off. It fucking pissed me off. Yeah. These people don't understand surge pricing.

Okay, this hits these entitled assholes and rich assholes at the same time. You get rich people's money. You're getting stupid people's money. And it's not about planes. It's not about companies ripping you off for something that they can't provide, right? It's not about making you bid on what they have. Like, do you remember last Christmas when you, UPS said they guaranteed they'd have everything delivered by Christmas.

Yeah. And then they didn't. Of course. And everybody lost their fucking mind. Right. And even though, even before that happened, everyone was pretty sure they would fuck up and wouldn't have it delivered. Right. And everyone was living in fear of getting their last minute Christmas presents delivered.

Yeah. Right? Yeah. Okay. Throw some surge pricing on there, assholes. I will pay double, triple, quadruple, whatever. Just get, get. this is how you get rich people to fund the build-out,

to fund the extra drivers that it takes to do it. No, Dick, because to a rich person, this extra surge, the surge is only expensive to somebody who's middle class or poor. Rich people will always pay extra because it's nothing to them. Of course. You want their money. No, but the money is going to the corporations. It's not going into the poor people's hands except for, yeah,

I guess the Uber driver makes a little bit extra. The Uber driver makes the entire amount, dude, 80% of Uber money goes to the fucking driver. You know, Dick, I'm a believer that what you pay should reflect the service that you get. So I left AT&T. I used to be an AT&T customer for over, I believe, 12 years. And one time I had a dispute, it was something like an $80 overcharge because I went over my minutes or whatever. And to a phone call in San Diego, I was calling from Los Angeles to San Diego. That's a two-hour drive.

That's a 45-minute plane flight. By the way, I could buy a round-trip ticket on a train down to San Diego, have that conversation in fucking person, get back on the train and go back to Los Angeles for less than it costs for that fucking phone call. So I'm sitting on the phone with them. I said, what service are you providing me that costs more than a flight and delivers less service than a flight? On a flight, you have to pay for insurance, you have to go through security, there are people employed, you get some. snacks, there's all this entire logistical nightmare that they have to go through with air traffic control, that's cheaper than your fucking phone call that you did nothing to do, that you didn't even lift a finger to make happen?

Well, again, I'll say that's another industry that's just propped up by tax money. No. No one can compete with those assholes. Well, yeah, but they're making money hand over fist. Oh, yeah. Yeah. They get money to build out networks to improve calls, and they just pocket it. Right.

Right. How would search pricing help that? Well, that wouldn't help that. That's fucked, though. That's like the corn substance thing. I don't even want to start with that one. That's not the solution. Yeah. It doesn't sound like it's any kind of solution, Dick, except for maybe Uber drivers. But, Dick, the one example you brought in, is the chick, the chick got bailed out. UPS, it would work for. Yeah.

Groceries, it would work for. Yeah. These are all theories, Dick. These are on paper. Bartending it would work for? Yeah. Dude, I would pay way more to have enough bartenders to drink fast enough. Great, Dick. You know what? Anything where people, look, there's a shitload of people sitting at home in America right now that aren't doing shit that can work.

This works for any instance where somebody can just get up and do something normal to serve. That's it. It's mobilizing unemployed workers. That's what I'm doing over here, and that's a big solution. Yeah. Wow, great, Dick. It says the guy who would pay more to drink more, by... by having more bartenders or more access to bartenders.

You know what? You can pay less to drink more. Just buy the booze in a fucking store and flask it, buddy. How's that? This is, that's awful. What's awful about it? You're saving, buddy. You're drinking.

What do you mean like a homeless person? You just pop into the bathroom and just take a swing of your flask. Man, I- Dix love it. I dated a girl who did that, and it was so bad going out with her where she's fucking ordering coax and pouring whiskey into them like out of her purse. Oh, that's cool, man.

No, no, no, no. That chick is subverting the system. Yeah, she's not waiting in line like a chump. Like a moron. Like a monkey. Well, that's my solution. Surge pricing. Yeah.

Just imagine where it could work for you. Yeah, I'm trying really hard, and I can't even think. It may not be someone winning at video games, but it's a pretty good solution, I think. All right, Dick. I got a real solution. How about this? Meat. Oh, shut the fuck up.

Meat is the solution. Meat is actually a solution. Okay, this is... So listen to what happened to humanity. They found this study. This is from this website called LiveScience. LiveScience.com. This article is titled,

Meat, Cooked Foods Needed for... Excuse me. It's from an article titled, Meat and Cook Foods are needed for early human brain. Right. Yeah. This is actually a non-controversial

study. They found two new studies came out. They said that a lot of people are vegetarians and vegans and these diets seem natural for humans, but in terms of evolution, it is a bit of a stretch according to two recent independent studies. Eating meat and cooking food made us human, the study suggests. Eating meat made us human. I think that's worth repeating. Enabling our brains of our pre-human ancestors to grow dramatically over a period of a few million years. They can trace our brain growth to the exact moment where we started developing tools to hunt animals and eat them, eat their cooked meat. You know why? It's because, and by the way, this isn't just like one branch of science.

Archaeologists and evolutionary biologists have found this. The new studies demonstrate, respectively, that it would have been biologically implausible for humans to evolve such a large brain on a raw vegan diet and that meat eating was a crucial element of human evolution at least one million years before the dawn. of humankind. I actually knew all that. Yeah. Yeah, I saw this actually. I went to the Natural History Museum and they had this little placard in front of the evolution tree, right? It showed like all the apes, all the simians evolving, whatever. And it talked about that. And you can see the exact moment we started eating meat because our heads exploded. Yeah. That's my head. My head's exploding. Yeah. So listen to this. So this one study published last month in the journal Proceedings,

of the National Academy of Sciences, examine the brain sizes of several primates. For the most part, larger bodies have larger brains across the species, right? That's generally true. Yet, humans have exceptionally large, neuron-rich brains for our body size, while gorillas, three times more massive than humans, have smaller brains and three times fewer neurons.

Why? Well, the answer, it seems, is that gorilla's raw, vegan diet, devoid of animal protein, which requires hours upon outside, of eating only plants to provide enough calories to support their mass. Yeah, I do feel like there's, I don't want to jump the gun here. Uh-huh. But I do feel like there's something unsophisticated and almost primitive about vegans in general.

Yeah. I would say. Oh, yeah. They're closer to monkeys than we are. Yeah. You eat a burger, and that puts you one step above a vegan and two steps above a monkey. A monkey, a monkey and a vegan are just like, they could basically date. You wouldn't even be able to tell the difference.

They probably speak the same language. That's the missing link. Is a vegan? Vegans are the missing link. Evolution solved. Do you think Bigfoot is a vegan? I guess so. He must be. Yeah, must be a vegan.

He must be. Or, still stuck on the raw diet. Which is also, you're just foraging all fucking day long. Yeah. Yeah, these fucking, these stupid apes. Listen to this. For gorillas to evolve a human-like brain, they would need an additional 733 calories a day, which would require.

another two hours of feeding, the authors wrote. A gorilla already spends as much as 80% of the tropics 12 hours of daylight eating. So you have 12 hours a day. Those are hours that you could use building huts, building oil platforms, playing video games, you know, fighting against Daigo and Street Fighter 3. These are things that these apes could be doing with their time. Instead, they're just foraging for nuts and berries and vegan bullshit. instead of roasting a pig.

It's almost like vegetables and foraging and nuts and plants and stuff like that are windmills and solar power. And meat is like nuclear power. It's got, it's so much denser with energy for you, right? And it will, and it makes us evolve into something better. Wow, Dick. I'm trying to connect the dots here. Very simple dots. They're right on top of each other.

I think you're the simple dot. So meat caused evolution? Meat caused us to be human. We have, you know, if you, if it weren't for meat, you, right now, you're the listener. Listening to this show right now wouldn't even understand the words coming out of my mouth. You would understand this. Well, you wouldn't understand me. How does that make you feel, huh?

You're welcome. Humanity owes itself to meat. and cooking. That was pretty good. Yeah. Thank you. Passion. Yeah, that's my Oscar speech.

It's for myself. Have you ever gone off meat? Have you ever, for any reason, have you ever gone like in a partially, I don't know, vegan diet or anything like that? For even a medical reason, like anything. You know, I did notice. So I've lost a lot of weight. About eight years ago, I decided after I wrote the alphabet of manliness,

no more I was going to put my life in jeopardy like I did because I gained a lot of weight, and I had high blood pressure and cholesterol and that sort of thing. So I decided to... I lost your hair too. I did. I lost a lot of hair. I did. I sure did.

Yeah, laugh it up, Sean. Shave your fucking head. So I did. Yeah, this all happened to me. And I decided to eat healthier and I cut a lot of stuff out of my diet. And through no conscious decision, I found myself accidentally eating mostly eggs and almonds and fruit. And that was my diet for a long time and chicken.

And I noticed that, and that was not, that was actually for a health reason. I tried to cut down on cholesterol. Now to the point where I can eat cholesterol again. I eat it like every day. I eat like just mostly cholesterol. Good. Yeah, big bricks of it. And then you scream until your veins are popping out.

I think these are pretty good. These are all good for your heart. You know, Dick, I work out every day and I eat healthy just so I can abuse myself with cookies and beer. I love it. Yeah. Anyway, yeah. So for a while, I found myself. almost eating no meat for a little bit.

And that was like just a couple of days. And I realized that my farts weren't smelling like they normally do, which pissed me off. And I went back to eating meat normally. And I feel great. I always feel great when I eat meat. Yeah, if I've ever had to go off of it, I feel weird. I had to stop eating, I had to stop eating meat for, God, I think it must have been a month after I had this surgery.

I had this horrible surgery where I couldn't eat. They would have had to wire my jaw shut, but they don't do that anymore. Yeah. For that kind of stuff, they just put plates in your face. And it was driving me insane. Like the hunger would just never go away. Yeah. I felt like a zombie or like a supermodel.

I don't know which, but I was just constantly craving something. I would eat six, seven times a day just trying to get any, trying to get it to go away. Yeah. It's all you think about. Yeah, when I don't eat protein, when I don't eat enough protein, I, always feel hungry. You can't get it. And these fucking, you know, a lot of vegans and vegetarians say they get enough protein through eating algae, like spirulina. You know what spirulina is? It's just, it's like, it's algae. Yeah, it's like pond scum. And you can't get vitamin B12, enough vitamin B12

through a vegetarian diet. Many vegetarians die for malnourishment. Well, I wouldn't say many, but like some of them do die from malnourishment if they stick to a strict vegan diet. I talk to this dipshit in a bar one time who was a hardcore vegan. He wasn't even vegan. He was a fruitarian. You know what he eats? This is all he eats. Bananas. I thought you're going to say other guys. No, all he eats bananas? Bananas. Bananas. Every day he eats bananas. I said, I asked him, I said, well, how do you get enough protein? He said, your body creates enough protein for you. I said, no, it doesn't. And then I said, how do you get vitamin B12? He says, you don't need B12. That's a myth. It's not a myth. There's a vegan couple. There's actually every

once or twice a year, you'll see. some vegan couple in New York or Connecticut where they tried to raise their son or daughter on a vegan diet and then they find that their son or daughter died because they didn't get enough vitamin B12. Classic SIDS. Classic case of SIDS. Sudden infant death syndrome. We have no

idea how it happened, ma'am. Yeah. Could have been all the kale you were cramming up his ass. Yeah. And then now people are trying to do this to their poor fucking pets that are omnivores and carnivores. Like dogs, dogs are carnivores. Don't feed them your vegan fucking bullshit diet because it's going to die. You need to feed it meat. In fact, the best diet for a dog is

raw animals because that's what dogs, that's what dogs eat traditionally, cats too. Like, they need to eat this kind of stuff from time to time. If you're trying to feed your poor pet or your poor human pet, like whatever it is, if you're trying to feed it just vegan, it's going to die. Let it grow to an age so it can make a decision on whether or not it wants to be an ape for the rest of its life, eating bananas, or having a steak like a normal human being. and joining the rest of humanity. Yeah. I agree with you.

Yeah. I hate vegans too. Well, this isn't about hating vegans. This is about finding solutions to humanity. And the biggest thing that has helped humanity thus far is meat and cooking food. But speaking of food, Dick, you got to... Speaking of eating. You've got a couple of bottles of hot sauce we've got to put down.

All right, did you figure out what we're betting on this? I do want to bet something for real, and not tattoos, like your last... You won't do anything. You just push out on everything. What? I'm not getting a tattoo of Dick was wrong on me. Wasn't that your suggestion? I just said diet dick, like the Coca-Cola logo?

And it could be any size anywhere you want. Diet Dick. Diet Dick. Did you have the double meaning on purpose? Like a chick's going to see that and go, oh, this is Dick light tattooed on my body? Oh, great. I thought about that tattoo a lot. I thought about it in the shower, and that was the perfect tattoo for you.

No, I'll do something. I'm not going to tattoo myself, though. Yeah, you won't do anything. You won't shave your head. What is it? You want to make a monetary bet? $25? I bet you $20. $20.

I'll bet you $20. Money's no fun. No, we got to have something on the website. It's got to be something on the website. It really does. Yeah, I don't know, man. We've got to cede one of our problems or something like that to the other guy. Yeah.

I don't know. Anyway, let's do this. So here are the rules. Here are the ground rules. Okay. Let's agree to these ground rules. We drink the hot sauce. entirely. First one to finish

wins. And no water or drink afterwards. Okay. Yeah. I feel like we should have to recite something after we drink it. Because that tricked you up last time if you don't recall. It didn't trick me up there. There were problems. Yeah. Well, here's what we're going to do. Here's what we're going to do. Right, Sean?

You're the audio engineer. Did you detect? I know you weren't there, but did you detect some anomalies in Maddox's I wasn't there and I knew exactly what was going on. It was like, the part of Maddox will now be replaced by a St. Bernard. They're known for sloboring. Yeah, I know. I get it, Dick. I know what dogs do. Dogs and monkeys, both of them.

Am I allowed to drink it out of Tom Collins glass over here? That's much more natural for me. We got to both have the same thing. I haven't drank of a bottle like this since I was like two years old, though. Oh, I'm sorry? Do you want a catheter so you can shove it right into your vagina? No, like a glass. Yeah.

Like a glass like you'd just. drink poison out of. You don't get a glass? I don't get a glass. Here. Okay, Sean, you're going to moderate this and make sure that neither of us cheat and make sure that Dick actually drinks his because he might try to pull some shenanigans and say he's a puppet master like Roger to get out of drink in the hot sauce. Hold on, I got hair in my mouth. Yeah. Yeah. 20 bucks? You want to put 20 bucks on this? 25. Why a weird amount? I got to go get five. 25 is my standard amount that I bet. Why? 25 is a good number. I want to hear you read something after we do this.

Great. What are we going to read? Let's read that girl's bitchy Uber review. Okay, yeah. Because I have it and it's written down. No, but here's the problem with that, Dick. One of us is going to get a longer time to wait before the other one reads it? We'll read it at the same time. That's not going to work.

All right. Let's do this. What are you doing? What is shuffling around over there? Dick is Dick is Dick. He is procrastinating, he is delaying. These are delayed tactics. He's hoping that the hard drive fills up

before he has to drink this hot sauce. I just had to get that out. All right. Here we go. Sean, are you going to watch? Are you going to determine who finishes first? Yeah, just put it down as soon as you're done on your little end tables there.

Okay, we're going for speed, right? I've never done this before. We're going for speed and also who hold it together the best afterwards. Alright, so I mean it's not just entirely speed, but you know, whatever. Okay. All right. It's also style. Also style. You're also judging for style. Okay, style points got it. Alright. Sean, I brought in kicking ass is my problem. I'm just saying that. Alright. It's pretty good... No, solution. This is a solution on its own. When someone calls you out on the internet, you fucking rise to the challenge, no matter what it is. All right, Sean, give us a countdown. All right. On your mark? Get set. Go. Oh my fucking God!

Done. Wow. Dick is still drinking. All right. How'd that go? That was intense. Yeah. That was intense.

Yeah. Was it now? Yeah, you want me to read first? Go ahead. All right, my eyes are watering a little bit. Yeah. A lot bit. Here's the girl's letter.

Last night was Halloween. Great time. Today's my 26th birthday. Not so great of a time. I live in Baltimore. I think he scorched his lungs. And went out with my friends to celebrate my birthday at midnight. Here, you try it, you try it.

Okay. Oh my god. Is this the last of this hot sauce? Does this exist on earth anymore? Yeah. Last night was Halloween. Great time. Today's my 26th birthday. Not so great time. I live in Baltimore and went out today with my friends to celebrate my birthday at midnight.

night. When 3 a.m. rolled around, I suggested we take an Uber to avoid drunk driving. Hashtag responsibility. All right, you fucking win. Yeah, winner. Jack's opening his wallet immediately. All right, $25, baby. I'm going to buy a steak and be a human. Can you talk? Can you wrap this show up? Oh my gosh, this is hilarious.

All right, guys. So that's it for our first ever bonus episode. We hope you enjoyed it. We went a little bit long. Because we certainly didn't. Here, here's your 25 bucks, you asshole. Thanks. All right. Yep, this checks out.

It's real money. So our solutions, you're going to be able to vote on them on the website the same way you normally do. Yep. Except not in the problems area. Yeah. It's going to be a solutions area. And we'll be doing this once a month.

It'll be the first Monday of every month. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So your solutions were... My solutions were... Nuclear power. Nuclear fucking power. Yeah. More powerful than

this hot sauce. Yeah. Barely. A little bit. Yeah. And surge pricing. Surge pricing. Yeah. And your problem's... This is the... This is, if we got kudos for talking, like, real guys in the podcast before, this is as real... This is as opposite to William Shatner hipsters as you could get. Yeah. This is hilarious. It sounds disgusting.

It sounds stupid amount of sweat going on in this room now. We sound like two talking vaginas. Speaking for yourself, buddy. I'm fine. I feel great right now. I can talk the rest of my fucking life. So my problems are, excuse me. Oh, there we go. Shut up.

My solutions were kicking ass, which I just did. Yeah. And. Meat. Meat, which is what's become of my tongue. Kicking ass and meat were my solutions this week. You got a hell of a hot sauce here, Maddox. Thank you.

Yeah. Professor Maddox's hot sauce and chest hair tonic. I drink some of that stuff. And I got some hair on my back I grew some chest hair on my back It's incredible How'd you know it's chest hair? Oh, you can tell buddy

You look at it You can comb chest hair. You look at enough guys Hairy backs Yeah And you know, right? Yeah, well I see it every day I see it every day

Because I wake up sometimes My head is completely turned around So I just see my back Anyway, so thank you for listening To our very first ever Biggest solution in the universe Vote for these solutions On the website

We got more coming For Maddox and Dick thanks for listening thanks guys I'm gonna fucking puke ha ha ha ha ha