The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Bonus Episode 11

Episode Date: June 1, 2018

Welcome to the biggest solution in the universe, the show where we discuss every solution in the universe from death to euthanasia. With over 4 million downloads, this is the only show where you decide what should or shouldn't be on the big list of solutions. I'm Maddox with me as Dick. Hey, what's up, buddy? And Sean, our audio engineer. Hello. And we have a special call-in guest. We do have a special call-in guest.

Boister's coconuts, fan favorite. Hey, everybody, how you doing? Yeah, this is a new thing. I think this is going to be a benchmark for the show. there's going to be the pre-s Skype years, and then the post-s Skype call-in years. The PS, yeah. Post-sk, yeah. Okay, there's a post-script joke in there.

Anyway, and we should also mention. We have another very important guest. Very important special guests. I'm so excited about this guest. You have no idea. Friend of the show, you guys have heard about this man for a long time. He's been subject to much ridicule from us and from the fans, but he's here to defend himself, And I hope, I hope give the closing chapter of the trilogy

that is My Man's Struggles up north. Everybody, please welcome My Man. Hey, yes, how's it going? Steve, Dick's Man, Steve. He's not just a man, he is Dick's Man. Right. He's also, he's every man. We can all relate to his struggles, his triumphs, his tragedies.

We live in for all of us. You know, I'm not sure how many triumphs there's been, but... You know, I'll have a struggle or two for you. You triumphed in the one way that matters, I think. All right, right? Yeah, yeah. I think so. Without giving too much a way, you have triumph in the one way that matters.

In one way. In the matters of love. Over and over again. Oh, all right. I can't wait to hear this. All right. Beautiful hair, too, by the way. Last time I saw this guy, his hair was cropped close like a nerd.

And now he comes in, look at him. He's like, Jesus. He's got this flowing beautiful hair. You guys both have glorious beautiful hair. Panting ProV guys for sure. Fikai is what I use. What is it? Not panting pro Vee. Fikai?

Fikai? Yeah. Why are we talking about hair care products? All right, so brought it up. Guys, I have something important to talk about before we go on. The biggest solutions from last time. Refrigeration. Yes.

Neck and neck with free birth control. People thought that was a good solution. And then legalized prostitution, they were all in the same neighborhood of votes. And then illustrated condoms dick, barely squeaking by in the solutions territory. You know, guys, I'd be. I brought that, I invented that, I brought that in, loss of erection, my man, the solution was a condom that is illustrated so that you always put it on correctly, the first time. That's a smart move. Yeah, right?

And it's hugging, it's hovering around zero. Nobody appreciates this, and I invented this, all right, guys? I came up with this all by myself for you, and I get shit on. You're the Jesus of condoms. Yeah, next time I'm just going to take all my brilliant ideas and I'm going to keep them. How about that? Yeah, shove them on your dick where they belong.

Probably like Isaac Newton. I'm just going to keep that shit. Good. First of all, I see where this whole show's going already. We got the tag team duo, the dick duo over here. But listen to this man. This comment from Isaac Stringer says, you could also tell which way a condom goes

based on which side the latex is stretching over and which side doesn't. But that's like what 60% of people do. Yeah, when you open up a condom, you look and see if the latex is stretched over, you know which way to roll. Maddox, please. This is a guy,

who's describing condom use who's read the manual. I have field research, all right? I'm in the field using condoms in the dark. You can't see which way the latex stretches over. Yeah, I mean, the thing is, there's a difference between, like, diffusing a bomb, like, in bomb school and diffusing a bomb, like, out there in the field. Yeah, man. It's like, there's so much shit that you're doing when you're trying to get the condo bond,

you know, like... Before she runs away. Hard. Exactly. Man, you guys don't have a condom closet. I have a condom closet. I step in. I strongly disagree.

Okay, I'm sorry. Dick's Man, Steve has a condom closet. Wait, let me catch everybody up to speed. The way I met my man at Burning Man last year was he walks up to me when I first get there. He's holding a gigantic box, like a box that you would fit a toaster oven in. You know, he was like two feet long across, something that you carry with both arms underhand. And he says, hey, you want a condom. And I'm like, why? What are you talking about?

He opens the box and it is full of 1,000 condoms. Yeah. That's what he brought. I spoke too soon. Dick's Man, Steve, you definitely did have that condom case. Which Dick talked about and I thought, I got to meet this guy. Yeah. It's a lot of condoms.

Yeah. So, and Dick, by the way, is about to go on another journey to Burning Man with Dick's man Steve. So you still haven't gotten rid of the guests you brought last time for Burning Man or the chlamydia. I can't wait to see what terrible... I would know if I had it. I didn't have time to get tested, but I would know if I added.

Yeah, because some woman would complain. You've had a year to get tested for chlamydia. What do you mean you'd have time? Look, I typed it into Google, how to get tested for chlamydia and it gave me all this weird shit. I said, who's got time to deal with all this? Give me an app. That's what I need. A clemity app, yeah, that I can download and it says you got it or you don't.

Yeah, they do. It's called your doctor. Is your doctor's phone number in your phone? I don't know. I don't know. I got another comment from Adam Haze. He says, Maddoch saying, hi, Juk. my pussy has now become

one of his ringtones I guess people really like that people really like the fade out of that last episode too during my rant I got one from John White he says here's Maddox's 20 minute shopping list soup number one because you said shopping lists are for suckers

you just remember all the things you have to get here's what you get here's what you get soup hot pockets hot sauce non-bred correspondence will get that at the store squats and Hadookens And then Justin Zerjave says, Don't forget the bags of sand. Yeah, there's actually two more after that.

There's Andrew Kudnik. He says, Kara Kara Orange is number nine, and the number 10 is bicycles. Good, from Tristan. Good, keep making fun of me. Your magnanimous host. Thank you for making fun of me. Magnanimus.

Magnanimus. You wouldn't know Magnanimus if it walked up to you and punched you in the face. Buddy, I'm made out of magnanimity. I think that wasn't a word. Do you think magnanimous is like a Pokemon or something? Like, is that why you think? You know what Magnanimus mean?

Hey, Asterios, I got it. I got it bad, buddy. Somebody compared your knowledge of evolution to Pokemon, by the way. Yeah, I saw that. Yeah, I saw that. Dekhead. Cash Larson says, great problem from me with refrigeration.

Even Einstein got in on the early refrigerator production. It definitely ain't no shitty rocket science. And he links to the Wikipedia article on Einstein refrigerator. Look, guys, refrigeration is way more important than free birth control. Don't you think? Like I know free birth control is a great solution, but refrigeration change the dynamic of society, right? I'll say this.

Free birth control could also change the dynamic of society. However, I will give you that it is a bigger solution than free birth control because it affects way more people. And in ways that you would use every single day of your life. Almost, almost. Almost everything we eat comes out of a refrigerator or goes into one at some point. point. Right. Okay. Yeah. I got one last comment. I got one from Reagan Clement. He says, in New Zealand, prostitution was decriminalized in 2003. It made the whole industry a lot safer

for workers and clients alike. And he posted lots of links to all these studies they did in New Zealand. And yeah, it's true. And then there was another case study. I think someone in Washington posted this where in Rhode Island, prostitution was accidentally legalized for a couple years. Accidentally. Yeah, there was some loophole in the law, so police weren't arresting people for prostitution. And they found, like, rapes were on the steep decline during those two years. Oh, really?

Which has really disturbing implications, which suggests that, you know, if rapists, would be rapists would potentially just pay for the sex. Wow. Yeah. Somebody's doing the raping. We know that. Asteroes, what do you think of prostitution? Are you for it, or are you, like, a weird person?

prude. Oh, what... Yeah, I can tell what side of this you're on. Well, look, I'll say that, uh... I mean, even in the time between the last show and this show, Amnesty International has called for legalizing prostitution. Yeah. You know, yeah, the people that, like, smuggle letters and, like, supplies to prisoners

of war. Like, if Amnesty International is fucking calling for it, like, maybe we should legalize prostitution. The only reason we don't have legalized prostitution... of America is because of freaking super conservative asshole politicians who can run on scaring old people about sex.

I mean, it's really that simple. And surprisingly, feminists, some of my hardcore feminist friends who you would think would be for legalizing prostitution because we should stop telling women what they can and can't do with their bodies, right? Right. A lot of them are really opposed to this. They say it's going to make things

worse for women, et cetera, et cetera. It's like, no, guys, I actually have a friend who's a prostitute. I have a friend who does prostitution, and she doesn't like to call it, call girl. We prefer to be called jigalows. No, Maddox. You know, Maddox, text me her number. I want to talk to this girl and just kind of see what she thinks about this.

Like, I want, maybe I'll interview her in a hotel room or something. Yeah. Like, I mean, the kind of the stock line that feminists use, and I know you probably don't want to get too far into this, is like, no little girl grows up saying one day I want to grow up to be a prostitute. You know? Yeah. Yeah, they say I want to grow up and be a rainbow because they're stupid kids.

Yeah. Or an astronaut. Well, you're not going to be. Because there's a number of human rights violations that go into being a princess, you stupid little bitch. That's reality. You want to be a princess? Go ahead.

I'll tell you what, though. It's easy to be a prince. Just move to Dubai and you're automatically a prince. Everyone in Dubai is a prince. But on a serious point, yeah, no little kid either grows up to want to become a, an accountant either. No little kid wants to be a teller in a bank. No little kid wants to do these boring fucking jobs that adults do. And guess what? They are jobs because they're work. People generally don't like to do them. You do things every day that you don't like to do. Some people

actually enjoy sex and they want to get paid for it. There's nothing wrong with that. Absolutely nothing wrong with that. Oh, let me tell you guys a quick story. And then again, I'm sorry to take us off track, but I used to be a transcriber for a show called Mansors. Yeah. Oh, yeah. The show on Spike TV called Mansors. The sneaky Greek really meant something

when Asteroos was a prostitute. God damn it. All right, hey, look. So you were transcriber, you were transgram for Mansors, which Dick and I have both been on. We were extras on, yeah. Yeah, and so there was an episode where they were interviewing porn stars.

Now, as a transcriber, what you do is you get access to complete meet unaltered interviews and you write down everything that happens in the interview so that the producers can edit it together into a show. So long story short, I, like, I'm transcribing an interview with one of like the world's biggest porn producers. And they ask him like, so, you know, how's the porn industry? Is it like super awesome? And he goes, you want the real answer? No, no, the porn industry is terrible. Yeah. Like the porn industry is awful. People commit suicide all the time. It's sick. It's a terrible, terrible industry. Who would think it's awesome? I get

A child? A 13-year-old boy? Well, some people. Some of my friends who are porn stars. Do you think it's awesome? It's awesome? You got, by and large, it's people who are fucking miserable, right? No. No, absolutely not. No, it's not. Maddox. By and large. We're talking about the bulk of porn is like that amateur shit online that girls get paid like $150 for and get used like pieces of meat. They're not happy about that.

They're not stars. Dick, they, look, I'm talking from experience here, talking to people who are porn stars. Yeah. Yeah. Like actual porn stars. Not porn stars. I'm talking about the bulk of the industry. Yeah, but you're not basing that on anything.

Like, for example, they said that suicide and depression rate is higher among porn stars, et cetera. That's fucking not true. It's actually higher amongst accountants. Accountants are miserable and they're killing themselves all the time. So should we just come down on the accounting industry for being miserable and making these people miserable? No, it's just because we have this puritanical view about sex. And for some reason, people associate sex with negativity and badness and something unwholesome. are impure. But there's no higher rate of...

That's because they're doing it right. What's that? Sex. That's why it's got to be on... Thank you, hysteria. Well, okay, but so long story short, so they go, okay, now give us the answer we're looking for. And they go three, two, one, and he goes, the porn industry is great.

It's non-stop hot chicks and fucking and hot outfits, and it's just awesome. It's like, every day's a party. And they're like, great. And then I see the episode. and guess which answer they use. I think that's the thing. There's sort of like two sides of it. Like, you know,

anytime you hear an interview with a porn star, she says like, hey, I just love sex. I got into this because I love sex. I love to come, and I love, you know, just being able to express myself my way. But then I think there's the hidden answer

that none of us here were just like, oh, God, I have to clock and to work every day and get for like $200. And smile, that's the worst part. You don't have to smile at any other job. Can we move on to the next bit? We got a big bit planned for everybody.

Let's talk about this big bit. Okay, so Asteroa and I got together, and we planned this bit around. Maddox, you had a Facebook post that I happened to see, where Ronda Rousey got outed as transphobic or something like that. Transmissogynistic, is what they called her. I don't even know what that means. Rhonda Rousey's just getting some media spotlight, right, because she beat the shit out of a woman.

Personally, I don't think you should be praised for beating up a woman. I mean, but that's just me, right? So she's just in the national spotlight. I love women. I don't think they should be beaten up for any reason. She's in the national spotlight, and Maddox posts on Facebook, countdown till Ronda Rousey gets outed as being transphobic, homophobic, something, right? It gets publicly shamed.

Publicly shamed. Before you even posted that, like four minutes before, probably because you were spending so much time analyzing every single word, making a perfect Facebook post, some shit rag outs her as being transphobic. Right? Yeah. Because this is the culture we live in.

So, Asteroos and I cooked up a bit that we call the celebrity shame pool. Yeah. Okay? We're all going to throw in some money, and we're all going to pick... Sirius, do you want to say? We're all going to pick some celebrities that we think are going to get shamed next, right? Yeah. Okay.

I mean, it really is that simple. We're each going to put $20 into a pot and for $20 celebrity names. Now, you know, as episodes go by, the pot's going to grow, the pot's going to grow. And then, you know, when one of the names on the big list of shame turns out to get to be like this week's media target, you get. Like that Ronda, the Ronda Rousey thing, for example, like entire story. Like the media is, they make so much money off of turning celebrities into targets

for like a day. It's not even like, like, you know, on the next day there's another target. Next day there's another target. So, you know, so why don't we make a little bit of money off? this while we turn into something fun. So, okay, for example, you know, you put $20 in the pool, let's say one of your names is Neil Patrick Harris, okay? He's a squeaky-clean guy, Oscar host, adoptive father, gay rights activists. Like, this guy's one of our finest celebrities. You see, hashtag Neil Patrick Isis.

So what are the shame rules? Is it... Now, now, someone who's always in trouble with the law, you can't pick Charlie Sheen, You can't pick Dick Masterson. Sure, sure, sure. No one's doing it on purpose. Yeah, exactly. That's not fun. Donald Trump, I would do with that.

You can't pick Donald Trump. You can't pick Donald Trump. No. Political people are easy targets. They're always going to be on that. And it's got to be, homophobic, transphobic, misogynist racist. Racist. And anti-patriotic or terroristic, that could be one of them too.

I don't know. I think we could throw huge pedo on the law. list because if you would pick the guy if you would pick that you know the dad from seventh heaven or Jared from subway two weeks ago and you called them a huge petto you'd be rolling in dough right now it's true well i want to have a caveat here because if you if they actually do get busted for the crime they are being accused of right i i want this to be like a celebrity where someone would write a think piece about yeah it can't be a crime yeah it's got to be like a thought like this is about It's a thought police. This is about the gladiatorial thought police that our media has turned our culture into.

Because Ronald Rousey said something in passing like three years ago that they're pouncing all over because now in order for anyone to be praised or liked in or just be left alone in our culture and our celebrity culture, they have to have an unimpeachable record for their entire lives. Yeah, ridiculous. It's absurd. Okay. So Maddox, do you want to go first? Yeah, I got a good list here. I got a good list. Well, are we going to go around the horn?

You pick one and then we're going to do what we're going to do. So the reason, also the reason. is I wanted us to do a fantasy football draft, but I'm the only one who would care about this. Yeah, absolutely. Right? I totally do that. I would be playing with myself.

Like usual. Let's play something that actually matters. Go ahead. Okay, guys, my first pick, all right? This is a good one, is Amy Poehler. Oh, that's a good one. Yeah, Amy Poehler. And I'll tell you why.

I tell you why. And this is my strategy for the rest of these picks, for most of them, actually. Okay. I have a lot of women on my list. And Amy Poehler, specifically, no, I think, I think, because, because right now, the people who love these women, like Amy Poehler and, what's her name? Amy Schumer.

Amy Schumer, right. Right. They are, they are the darlings. Kristen Wigg, yeah. Yeah, Kristen Wig, they are the darlings of the, you know, the women's groups in Huffington Post and Jezabelle and so on and so forth. So they have a hyper sensitivity to anything potentially offensive. as they could say. And I think Amy Poller's high

on that list because Amy Poller's a comedian and she's going to say something to fuck up and piss them off. Okay. Asteroos, you want to go next? Yeah, I'm going to pick John Stewart. Oh, I had him on my list, you sneaky fuck. Oh, not anymore, because I was first. Why don't we do it snake draft style, so whoever goes last can pick two and we'll go back around.

It's too much like fantasy football then. Go ahead. All right, we'll go around the horn then. I think John Stewart, like forever, the Huffington Post, you know, like Reddit, all these websites, they could get a lot of traffic over like John Stewart excoriates Trump or like John Stewart, like, ruins this or that. And it's like, well, now how are they going to make money off him by being like John Stewart says political correctness is out of control

or John Stewart this or like, you know, I think the coin's going to flip on him because how is you going to make money off him? Yeah, he might tweet something like new host of The Daily Show is great. No woman could have ever done as good a job. Next thing you know, a perfectly innocent comment gets blown out of proportion. You know who I think is going to sink John Stewart's ship is Wyatt Seneck? Because I think they had some... Oh, yeah.

They had a few beefs together. And who's the other guy, too? Not Wyatt Sineck. There was another black guy on the show with the beard. You know who I'm talking about? Or is that White Seneck? No, it's Wyatt. It's Wyatt.

Oh, that's why. Yeah, yeah. White Seneck is going to sink the John's stewardship because they had some beefs that go back, and I don't think he's told the full story. So that might... Okay, is there a good pick. Sean, you want to go next? Yeah, yeah, I'll go next.

Sean, who, by the way, before the show, crammed his picks with, like, Charlie Sheen and David Duke. I didn't have Charlie Sheen and David Duke on the last week. You really wanted $80. No, I had people who had been in trouble maybe once, and I think didn't learn from it. Okay.

All right. But, no, we're not doing that. No, you change them now. We're not doing that. So I got a few more. Yeah. Okay, I'm going to go, I think Maddox came out of the gate with a total long shot. and I'm gonna do the same thing.

Stupid, stupid pick. No, no, no, no. It's only a matter of time, I think. It was Amy Polar, right? She's been on the scene a long time. I'm gonna go Jennifer Lawrence. Oh, you fuck, I had that too. America's, America's sweetheart.

She's kind of dingy in interviews and she embraces it. There's nobody who has a bad word to say about her, and it's only a matter of time before she puts her foot in her mouth. I think it's totally false, too. Everything she says is engineered to make her seem like a normal person

who's like, Absolutely. Yeah, I think she's a total piece of shit. She's like, oh, I got toilet paper on my shoe. I just like staying in bed and eating, and I'm gross. Acting is stupid. I'm not a hero like a fireman. Like, oh, fuck you.

Like, you can get to the top of acting without being a total narcissistic maniac, right? No, no, no. That's exactly right. No. No, I've met her. I think she's the real deal, but that is a good pick shot. You got she's a good actor. You just got to find the crazy.

You just got sold. Yeah. You got sold on a bad bill of sales. I'm buying everything she's got to sell, buddy. My man, my man. It's in there somewhere. It just has to come out. All right, so I actually kicked around the idea of just a whole cast from Hunger Games.

Oh, okay. That was going to be fun for me. You got stumped. I got stumped on that one. I think my most likely one is Mark Zuckerberg. Oh, Mark Zuckerberg. I think he's going to walk out and just probably drop some inwards. He's got to pent up, right?

He's this, like, beat up nerd from college, and he's got a little. complex and he's going to accidentally I don't know call some women stupid for fun. I don't know if Mark Zuckerberg's going to actually come out because he's such an alien. He talks like this and he does he talk? Oh he talks like Kermit the fuck

he's got a weird neck and face and people with weird necks and faces always fuck up. It's just a rule of the law. That could be true. We don't know that that's not true. And I don't trust guys who are billionaires and they marry like college or high school sweethearts. We're not like supermodels. Like what are you

to prove here, dude. He's trying to prove he's a nice guy. He has been since that movie came out. I don't know, man. Did any billionaires in tech, like, marry hot? Like, Bill Gates' wife is just, you know, this battle axe, and then Steve Jobs. I think Steve Jobs hooked up with someone hot, but then he ended up marrying, you know, like, I don't know, like, a, I don't know.

What was Steve Jobs' wife? I don't know. It was a broom, I think. A literal, a moire. A push broom. That he found in a closet and an apple. All right, here's my, let me do, let's do one more pick, and then we'll start with this solution.

Sure. Here's my pick. Scrooge McDuck. Okay. That's actually a real statement, though, because like back in the day, there were some old comics where Scrooge McDuck was a whole monster. DuckTales is getting rebooted. I think that Scrooge McDuck is going to get outed as some kind of phobic. Right?

The new Duck Tales show is going to portray him in a new light. You know, Dick, I thought you were going to go really smart with us, but you went super dumb. Like, you think that the new Duck Tales is going to be a gritty. biopic reboot. Look, it doesn't matter what he says. This is what the media can make him say. Dick, I'm going to save this. I'm going to save this pick of yours.

Because I think it potentially can be smart because I think that it's just one article away from one think piece away from telling us, like some parents, some angry mom saying why we shouldn't look at Scrooge McDuck as an childhood. He's an icon of greed. People are going to take out this aggression against him and accuse him of one of these awful things. He's always going after the Beagle Bull. obviously Mexicans, you know?

Right? That's hateful and bigoted. It's hateful and bigoted even to think that. All right, but listen, it's on Scrooge. The thing is, it has to reach critical mass. Like, right now you could Google Scrooge McDuck racist, and I bet there's a million single-serving blog articles about, like, some cartoon from the 40s

where he beat up, like, a... Like, it has to, like, everyone needs to be upset about Scrooge McDuck for a day. Fair enough. Fair enough. It needs to be in one of the big notorious for the piece website. HuffPubbock, Docker, what else, Jezabel, I-O-9, I'm going to add I-O-9 to that list,

wired, any of these, yeah. But it has to be above the fold. It can't just be like at the bottom of the thing, of course, you know. They will make Scrooge McDuck apologize on the cartoon for being homophobic, or racist.

I guarantee, that's my prediction, that that will happen in the reboot. cartoon. All right. Let's get to some solutions. Okay. I didn't go. We're not doing... No, yeah, you did. Jennifer Lawrence. Oh, we're only doing one? Well, it's taking a long time. Let's see them at the end of the episode or something. All right, so before I split, let me just read the list one more time.

Maddox has Amy Poehler. Yeah. I've got John Stewart. Sean's got Jennifer Lawrence. Your man's got Mark Zuckerberg. That's a good pick. And Dick's got Scrooge Big Duck. All right. $20 in the pot. May the best man win. All right.

The worst man in this case. Or the worst guy Or the worst man Or the listeners at home Who are playing along I want to see your picks In the solutions In the comments

In the solutions episode Man or woman Good man or bad woman Or bad man Or bad man Or good woman Do another round of pick And we were already at 30

Yeah let's do real quick Let's hear real quick All right One more Let's make these quick Maddox go ahead Okay I got a good one here

I'm gonna post my full list On the website Because we don't have time To talk about it here The definition of making things quick Yeah, okay. I have Uzo Aduba. You know who she is? No. No, nobody does. She's the black actress from Orange is New Black who plays Crazy. Crazy Lawrence or whatever. Okay.

A lot of people don't know who she is, but she is exactly in the same position of this internet sweetheart right now because she's, I think she's trans or buy or something. She's got something special. She's black. She's a minority. People love minority actresses. Uh-huh. And she's everyone's darling sweetheart right now. Uh-huh. Because she espouses, you know, she symbolizes successful minority, celebrity, and they are looking to pick her apart. I think she's the next target.

Is she in the new Ghostbusters? She may be. Is she the Black woman in the new Ghostbusters? There's Melissa McCarthy. She's in the new Ghostbusters. Yeah, that's true. All right. That's my pick.

Astarios? All right. Long story short, Matt Lauer. Oh. He's getting old. He's getting cranky. He's so rich. He's super disconnected.

He's that rich. Like he probably lives and sleeps in like a gold airplane Like I think that guy's gonna say something And gonna get called on it Alright Sean I'm going with similar arguments to Asterios But I'm applying it to Morgan Freeman Oh

For the same reason He's getting old, he doesn't give a fuck Wait a minute, didn't his granddaughter just get killed? Yes And not the one he married Yeah not the one he married I'm sorry, what? Oh he married his granddaughter

Morgan Freeman married his granddaughter Wait, was he shamed for that? No, because it's like his, it's like step-granddaughter. Oh, that's so shady as fuck. Oh, it's super shady. It's like he helped razor too. It's a weird story. So he's kind of, that would be perfect.

Woody Allen-in-Gy. Yeah, okay. That's kind of creepy. Yeah, perfect. How old was she when, when she was adopted or? I don't, I don't remember. He's not a more Freeman biographer over here. All right, good pick, good pick, Sean.

He's got a perfect storm then. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Morgan Freeman. Dixman, what's going on? I got Johnny Depp. Another weird neck. Another weird face.

Oh, Johnny Depp. Yeah. All right. You know, he's just like a pre-Michael Jackson. He's got that whole vibe going on. Who's your last one, Dick? Caitlin Jenner. Caitlin Jenner.

Yeah. I'm going to call bullshit. Yeah. Kill the guy with a car. That's true. We're killed the guy. That wasn't a homophobia. He's going to jail.

He's going to jail. You can't be, please. Oh, yeah, that's right. She's. She's going to jail. She's going to jail, and she can't be, like, once you're already in jail, they're not going to write that think piece about how terrible they are. They're like, yeah, we know he's in jail.

Shit. Or she's in jail. Shit. Did you know I played golf with her years ago? Did you really? He played golf with him. It was a time. Check your sister.

He played at the door. Jesus Christ. How hard is this to keep track of you guys? Him, her, shim, she. You get it right. Yep, I played golf with Bruce Jenner. How was that? He was cool.

He was cool. Steve Garvey, the Dodgers's first baseman, too. Did he try to get you to play dicks out golf? You know, when you lose the hole, you've got to take your dick out for the whole next hole. Dickies? That's a thing. That's a thing. You're playing dick out golf?

Yeah, it is. That's not a thing. Oh, please, you guys. It's also when you don't hit it past the ladies' teas. Oh, that's funny. You got to prove you a man. You got to hit the next drive with your dickies. Okay, fine.

No Caitlin Jenner. Fuck you guys. That's transphobic of you guys. Not let me put Caitlin General. Tim Tebow. Oh, yeah. Start of the football season. He's going to fuck up.

That guy's going down in flames. Okay. Okay. All right. All right. Well, we got our picks. Let's get to the solutions. You want me to go first?

Go ahead. All right. My first solution, big solution, biggest in the universe, I think, maybe. And they're all about the universe. NASA. NASA? Oh, boy. Can't wait to hear this shit show from you, from you, Dick.

You already brought in satellites. It's a totally different solution, man. By the way, you can bring in every subset of satellites, too. We need to see all the solutions on the list. Okay. All right. What is NASA done? What are they a solution to?

What has NASA done ever? Yeah. They put a man on the moon shithead. What have you done? I've looked at the moon. Yeah. That's it. That's about it.

Here's some things that NASA has done. All right? Good question, Dick. Here's some things. They created the International Space Station. There's that. Cool. Huge growing moss in space.

Yeah. Dickhead? Scientific experiments. Yeah. All that bullshit you're going to smoke at Burning Man? Where's that going to? They need to, know that grows in low G.

Yeah. When the Earth becomes unhabitable. A lot of important experiments going on up there in the International Space Station. They're just fucking around wasting money. Check it out, guys. I'm playing a guitar in space. That's space, right? Look at me, look at me, look at me.

I'm an astronaut playing a guitar. I'm making a viral video for billions of dollars. Fuck you. Fuck you. You have so much contempt for scientific discovery and innovation. That's you, that's you, man. That's you in a nutshell. The Mars Pathfinder robot.

They put a robot on Mars, a remote control, essentially a remote, an RC vehicle that is able to check the soil samples, detect the atmosphere in Mars, take high-resolution photography. We're able to discover, we're able to explore Mars by remote control. That saves billions of dollars. And no corporation is going to fund. How does it save billions of dollars? Because if we had to send a mission there, right, a human mission there, it would cost way more just to do the same types of exploration that the Mars rover is doing. And it's also laying the groundwork

for us to even know if it's sustainable. If it's sustainable for us to land on Mars and do further missions. We don't have to do either of those. We can just keep the money and feed homeless people. Well, we can just keep all the money for scientific research and just live in fucking caves, idiot.

I can just keep the money and feed hungry people. Go ahead. I'm not going to be a prick with your solution. Go ahead. Too late! You ass? Yeah. They also put the first American in space.

Okay, that's good. Yeah, of course it's good. And then they made the first U.S. satellite in 1958. Uh-huh. They got beat by the Russians, but we still put one up there. The Hubble Space Telescope has given us more knowledge about the universe than any other human invention, I think. The Hubble Space Telescope. We've been able to see billions of light years away.

And guess what? There's more stars. Whoa. That was worth it? Well, Dick, fuck. You couldn't have known that before they did that. What if they looked into the distant galaxies and the distant, the start of the Big Bang, the start of the universe, the very edge of the universe,

and they saw something unexpected. Then you'd be like, oh, well, that was totally worth it. But you didn't know, you didn't fucking know until they did that. Did you? If they found, like, a guy, this is how to actually get laid 100% of the time. That's what they saw with the Hubble telescope, then I would say, okay, this was a good spend of what, $120 billion. How much did we spend for the Hubble telescope?

More than that? Yeah. It's up there. I don't know what it is, but it's not. We redid it like two years ago or whatever. Fuck up. Yeah, yeah. It's one of the best tools of science that we have.

The Hubble Telescope. I would say MRI, but go ahead. Okay, well, these are, I'm sure that technology came from NASA. We have the Chandra X-ray Observatory. Let's see clear images of supernovas, remnants of quasars, exploding stars, and even matters, excuse me, and even matter as it disappears into black holes. All this theoretical science that everybody loves and all the technology and all the science that we're moving towards came from these technologies that NASA developed.

The Pioneer 10 Jupiter satellite, we discovered so much more about Jupiter than we ever knew. Like what? Well, we discovered what the atmosphere was composed of in greater detail. We discovered the weather patterns on Jupiter. We discovered, we looked into the storms that happened on Jupiter's surface and the turbulence, and then we can apply that science to things that happen on Earth and predict El Nino and other meteorological events by looking at other planets. We can do that. You know why NASA's viewership... Oh, you know what? I'll save this. Okay, go ahead. I'll save this. Because I got a shit ton of... Go ahead. I got a stats for you, buddy. I got his stats for you.

NASA created the first reusable spacecraft. Before NASA, every rocket shot into space was just either destroyed or gone forever. They saved billions of dollars for the U.S. government just by creating a reusable spacecraft that then private industry took that design and applied it, and that's why we have SpaceX coming up with their own reusable spacecrafts. So NASA couldn't do as good of a job as SpaceX then? No, they laid the groundwork for SpaceX. Oh, okay. But they're gone because SpaceX is, what, going to do a better job or not as good a job, you think?

NASA's not gone. Their focus has shifted. The Apollo 11, and of course the Apollo 11 mission where we put a man on the moon. Some would say the most monumental achievement of human history. Throughout entire human history, human civilization, that's probably the greatest achievement. Makes everyone's dick feel big, basically. Yeah, that's it. That's all we discovered right that.

Except here's a thing, Dickhead. Here are some technologies that we have to thank NASA for. LED lights. They were first used in NASA Space Shuttle plant growth experiments and low energy, but high-intensity portable lighting. Didn't we really invent LEDs at NASA invented LEDs? Yeah, they applied that technology. They've had used for it.

Applied it or invented it? Because diodes probably invented before NASA. Yeah, but the scientists who worked on the LED were hired by NASA to develop LEDs specifically for any kind of use or application. And it caused billions of dollars back then, but they're the ones who made that possible. Uh-huh. And I think they may have even been responsible for it.

Because here's the thing, Dick. A lot of ingenuity and innovation comes from necessity, right? What's that? There's a quote that says necessity is the mother of invention. Right, right. And that's why NASA is responsible for the LED lights that we use. Inferred ear thermometers, they avoid contact with any mucus membranes.

This is all from us, NASA.gov, by the way. They avoid contacts with any mucus membranes, which virtually eliminates any possibility of cross-contamination. That has saved lives. All right. Yeah? And that's a pretty weak. If you're leading off with their best of, this is a pretty shit list.

Oh, it's not in order, buddy. Artificial limbs? How about that? Artificial limbs? They had peg legs before NASA. Pirates had peg legs before NASA. They didn't invent artificial limbs. But the people who are running marathons and competing in the Olympics

aren't using peg legs, they're using technology that was developed for NASA. Okay. They're using the padding, the innovation in robotics to create limbs that work and are flexible enough. NASA developed that check. The padding. Okay, so we got sponges, we got ear thermometers, what else? And they sent

some guys to Space Joshua Tree. Well, ventricular assist devices. That's the moon. Space Joshua Tree. Good. Real funny. We've got ventricular assist devices. They keep the blood pumping in your body. They keep your heart pumping blood during heart transplants because they needed technology like this for astronauts. Okay.

Yeah. My LinkedIn profile picture is me and Neil Armstrong. Is that true? Yeah. I met Neil Armstrong and Gene Sernan and like eight other astronauts and once at a birthday party for Tom Stafford. So you're a fan of this solution, NASA? I'm a fan of space.

I wanted to be an astronaut. I told my mom, she laughed at me. I was 26. And then you proved her wrong. Yeah, nailed it. Nailed it. Look at you now. I get high all the time.

You think about space. one of your high, I bet. Anti-icing systems, they allow pilots to fly safely through icy encounters. We use those every day. Anti-icing systems? Yeah, millions of passengers rely on those dickhead. Highway safety grooves. Okay, you know those grooves?

They cut grooves into concrete to increase the traction and prevent injury, first developed by NASA to reduce air traffic incidents. So cutting into the road? They invented cutting holes in the road. The grooves in the side of the road? Yeah. That's so you wake up. If you hear off the road.

That too. They created this technology. They found that it would improve traction. Here's the thing. Someone could have done this years before NASA, but NASA did it. NASA's the ones who did it. Yeah, because we gave them billions of dollars. Yeah. They improved radial tires because they needed stronger tires for space shuttles.

Radial tires, the tires last way longer today because of NASA. Chemical detection systems, they still use at terrorist sites at terrorist attacks to see what kind of chemicals they may have used. Uh-huh. Is it called a spectrometer? They didn't invent that. Mass spectrometer? Yeah. Well, they're the ones who innovated those devices.

They worked on it. They had a small asterisk in the mass spectrometer, Wikipedia article. Landmine removal, they use with... So this is one that's not entirely due to NASA, but landmine removal. They work with the private industry, with the private sector, by providing them jet fuel and different types of fuel that they can use to disable landmines. Mm. Uh-huh. Fire-resistant reinforcements.

These are just things that we use every day that are fire resistant. Firefighter gear. When's the last time you were on fire? Yeah. You had to use a fire retard system. Never, because thanks to NASA. Fire firefighter gear.

Almost all firefighter gear is based on lightweight equipment developed for NASA. That's a fact. Because they need to have heat resistance in space and they need to have cold resistance in space. Temper foam. The aerogail stuff's really cool. It is cool.

Yeah, it is cool. Temper foam and memory foam. Memory foam mattress. This is Casper. Yeah? Huh? We wouldn't even have a sponsor if we didn't have NASA.

So, like, all of this is based on the notion that someone else wouldn't have invented it. No, it's not. No, it's not. Yes, but it is. You're going through this list, and the basic presupposition is that without NASA,

no one else would have invented this stuff. See, I was... Because you always say that. I was predicting this horseshit libertarian argument because it's always... It's like, it's what it is. That's what it is. It's just like a normal comment.

Because your argument here, and this is why it's a fallacy. The argument here is that If NASA weren't around, private industry would have developed this. No, or the Soviets. Like, they got a satellite in space first. So it's kind of the, what is the Soviet version of NASA called my man? I don't know.

Cosmonaut Town? Exactly, it's called Cosmonaut Town. It's USSR where the R stands for a rocket. Yeah, so they would have invented it. That sounds like a bad Beatles album. That's a fallacy, I'll tell you why. That's why you're bringing in these people and organizations is shit. Because anybody could have invented this stuff.

Yeah, could have, but didn't, Dick. Because they didn't have a chance. No, it's not that they didn't have a chance. They have a chance right now. There's an infinite amount of technologies that we haven't developed yet. And they're called SpaceX. Hold on. So NASA's not that important.

Nope, hold on. Space X is using technology that NASA developed. Rockets. Yeah. Germany developed them too. But here's why private industry won't always discover these innovations that NASA has discovered because there isn't always a financial incentive for them to do experiments and develop technologies.

to solve problems that aren't that lucrative. Like, for example, Dick, no private industry is going to send a remote control vehicle to Mars to do experiments and to investigate Mars. But in solving those problems, NASA has solved future problems and created industries. Here's where your mind is created. Here's where your mind is small,

because private industry would send that stupid remote-controlled car to an asteroid to mine it. That's what private industry would do. They wouldn't just blow it sending it to Mars and saying, hey, look, guys, we did something. I don't know, here's the table scraps of our science. See if you can plug these into any real problems we have. Private industry would have done all the same shit,

but they would come back with a spaceship full of gold or methane or something. Wrong, dip shit. Totally right. Why would private industry risk everything billions of dollars to send a probe to an asteroid without guaranteed returns? That's what industry is. No, it's not. Yes, it is.

They're not going to spend. Who's doing it, Dick? No one's done it. Who funded the gold rush? Who funded the early, like, investigation of the new world? But that's after somebody, some explorer discovered gold, and then that's what prompted the gold rush. Private industry knew that there was going to be guaranteed returns if they mined for gold

because they already knew that panhandlers were finding it. They thought, well, if they're finding it on the surface, there must be more below. Then they start digging and they find more gold. That's how it's discovered. Who's the first gold miner? Who's the explorer? NASA? Sutter's Mill?

Was that the first gold miner? Something. In California. Yeah. I think it's in northern California. Yeah. But the gold rush occurred from panhandlers, and then the word spread, and they were the first explorers. NASA's the panhandler of the universe.

Well, I disagree. Because no private industry's done it yet, Dick. You're right. No private industry would have sent spiders up in a space capsule to see how they spin webs and zero gravity. Thank God we have that research. Let me tell you something, an industry that was created because of NASA, that wouldn't have been created due to private industry.

Baby formula. NASA had this problem of getting food in low enough density, as compact as possible, that's highly nutritious. And they developed essentially baby formula for astronauts. Which is not good for babies. Well, it's not, it's... Natural mother's milk is far better. Of course. But if you don't have the option or whatever, then you can use baby formula. You might say it's kind of hurting babies, though. Well, I mean, it's possible.

on formula, especially when formula is subsidized. Lower income babies get it more than higher income babies. Just saying. Well, that's true, but there's also instances where mothers can't milk their children due to deficiencies or if they're going through chemo or they have something in their system that they're not supposed to do. Baby formulas actually save lives and it's created in an industry.

Portable cordless vacuums. They had a problem to solve. These are such shit inventions. portable, cordless vacuums. You got to know that that's a shit invention. Okay, what about water purification systems? Is that a shit invention too, Dickhead? I don't think NASA invented that.

Yeah, they did for the astronauts. The ones that we're using today commercially were first invented for astronauts. Okay. Yeah. Better structural analysis. So they had to find out how to make their structures more powerful,

more safe in space, and now we apply that technology here on Earth. All right. refrigerated, internet-connected wall ovens. Now, this is technology... No, no, no. This is different. This is different. This is a technology that is so new. It's one that private industry hasn't even exploited yet. This is a technology. It's essentially a refrigerator and an oven in one. Now, that sounds like one of those hogwash inventions that you would hear about like in Gremlins. Like in a scene from Gremlins. It sounds like they stacked two things on top of each other.

It's not. It's way more complex than that. I invented it. Look at me. So what they do? Where's my billion dollars? No, they have this technology. It's pretty incredible. I was reading about it. They have this technology where they put some frozen. food into a refrigerator. Essentially, it's a refrigerator. Then remote control by the internet from like NASA ground control, they have it scheduled, it gets instructions on when to convert that device into an oven. And then

without any intervention, it automatically cooks the food that was once refrigerated. It converts from refrigeration mode to oven mode. We don't have that technology today. Not on earth. Not in the private sector. Because that would be just worthless to us. Why is that? Like, were you going to go to the grocery store, throw your frozen

pizzas in the fridge and then be like, well, later today it'll be an oven. It's like, let me clock out. And you're like, cool, I got hot pizza now. And what about the rest of the food that's in there? Your bananas, they're wasted. What about any of this? Stupid invention.

You boil the orange juice. Well, the reason it's a good invention is because... It's good for going to space. It's good for going to space, yeah. It's only good if you have, if you insist on sending humans to space because it's a PR move. If you just sent robots into space, which would be far more efficient,

You wouldn't need these stupid inventions. Yeah. But that's not going to make viral videos of playing a guitar, is it? Yeah, you're so cynical. Ski boots. Ski boots came from NASA technology. Adjustable smoke detectors came from NASA technology. Water filters, as I mentioned.

Golf clubs. The modern golf club is all due to space technology. Cordless boots, excuse me, cordless tools. Cordless tools were invented for NASA. Most cordless tools. Because before then, everyone thought, well, why would I need that? I can plug it in. All these innovations you take for granted came because of a,

a need or a discovery. You know, have you ever heard of the mathematician? Dick, there's an entire field of mathematics called Theoretical Math, right? Where there's specifically a mathematician. His name is Paul Erdisch. Have you heard of Paul Erdisch? Yeah. Okay.

What do you know about Paul Erdisch? I know that he thought NASA was bullshit. No, he did, Dick had. Paul Erdisch was a theoretical mathematician, and his entire life was devoted to theoretical math. In fact, he tried so hard just to create mathematics that had no practical application. He would try to solve problems. with no practical application.

In fact, the encryption, remember one of your solutions, Dickhead? Encrypting everything. That came from a theoretical branch of mathematics where no one was trying to solve any problem. Encryption? They were just doing experiment. No, it didn't. Yes, it did.

No, encryption. The RSA formula, the RSA technology came from nothing. RSA specifically, not encryption. Well, RSA specifically, but that's what we use today. Almost everything's RSA. RSA encryption came from theoretical mathematics, somebody sitting down, trying to just look purely into the realm of thought, and experiment in mathematics.

And then we found application because of it. If it weren't for people like that. If it weren't for... No private industry is going to say, hey, here's a billion dollars. Go do something theoretical. Private industry says, here's a billion dollars. Let's see a return.

GE and Bell Labs have theoretical research divisions. I don't know if you might want to Wikipedia. Bill Labs doesn't anymore. Oh, they don't? Yeah, they shut it down. Oh. It was like the largest private employer of research lab in the United States

and they got shut down like years ago. I don't know, 10 or something like that. I wish you weren't here. here. I remember, I was like, I'm going to go to college, and I'm going to be a scientist. I'll work for Bell Labs. I mean, they do have, like, research divisions, but they don't have, like, this big,

not anymore. Just open-ended research lab like they used to. That's a bummer. UV blocking sunglasses. I mean, the list goes on and on. There's so much technology. Sunglasses, vacuums, cordless drills. I think someone would have invented a cordless drill when a battery technology caught up. You think, but then

NASA did. NASA did it. And NASA has, some of the technologies that NASA has developed has created an entire industry ski boots, the modern golf club, like all these technologies came from stuff that NASA did. Look, I'm not saying NASA's the only innovator and private industry definitely

could have developed some of these technologies, but NASA has definitely developed just this huge laundry list of technologies that we use every day and we kind of take for granted, but it's all space technology. Yeah, man. You can't play out dig out golf. I think you're talking specifically graphite shafts. Yeah. Of course

it's not golf clubs. No, it's not golf clubs. No, it's not golf club. No. Specifically one tiny piece, like piecemeal contribution that is nothing but a marketing gimmick at the end of the day. No, they had golf clubs way back in the day. They were garbage. They were always breaking around, breaking down. They pioneered viral videos, too.

Now, I mean, who's going to be the next one to play an acoustic guitar in space? Oh, my gosh, Dick. You pinpoint this one thing that annoys you about NASA. No, because that's what they are. No, because that, first of all, viral videos weren't a thing before essentially 2003. Before that, there was, there was like, people would send around dot MOV files. Yeah, exactly. They weren't a thing before 2003.

You're not contradicting me. What do you think I'm talking about? Viral video, yeah, the guy who played the guitar up in space. Happened like last year. That annoys you. Yeah. How's that bad? I don't know.

We'll see. Why is a guy playing a guitar in space bad? It is one step closer to I fucking love science. There is no scientific merit to that. It's just a guy, it's just a shameless PR move to get people to love NASA more because at their core, it's a gigantic pork barrel project

that can't be broken up because every state gets a kickback. It's massively overfunded for the amount of developments they do that could be done by the private sector. It's impossible to break up and all they want to do is sell their brand to the American people.

I think there's a lot of merit to developing space technologies, but NASA specifically I don't think is responsible for it. And that move by the... what do you mean who's responsible? You said NASA's not responsible for developing space technology, so who's responsible? I don't understand the question.

Now it's in the hands of SpaceX. Like NASA doesn't even use their own rockets to get into space anymore. They use Russia's. So NASA is more reliant on the Russian space program than us. Well, essentially it's the same thing. It's a Russian-sponsored, government-sponsored space program. So it's still a government-sponsored space program. I mean, if NASA was so great, why don't they do it themselves?

Because they got their funding cut. Yeah. Because a dickheads like you who don't see the merit in NASA. And that's why they need those PR videos, Dick. They need those guys playing guitar in space, and maybe people think NASA's cool again. Maybe people think NASA's useful, and they think that there's some merit to it, so they give them funding.

You've just made my point. No private industry has yet sent a satellite to an asteroid to, quote, mine, because you think that there's so much gold and diamonds and shit on there? Maybe, maybe there is, but we need that first explore, and that's NASA. Gold, not diamonds. You've just made my point for me. How's that? Because it's not returning any value.

People need to be convinced that it returns value. I think there's, I think SpaceX and the companies that are sprouting up to take over for NASA. Yeah. We'll do fine. They'll develop plenty of stuff too. I don't think NASA's a great solution. Any of this stuff is a good solution on its own, but NASA is just an organization that has outlived its usefulness. Like, it will be dead.

NASA will be dead, probably within our lifetimes, and the Slack will get picked up by private industry. You think that, but again, that's not a great solution. You hope that. You hope that. There's no evidence. There's no evidence. Private industry still, they are not sponsoring. Look, they may have some theoretical departments in Bell Labs.

And who was the other one? GM, you said? GE. Or GE. Right, right, right. Biggest company on Earth. You know, they kick some money towards that. But I think that there is definitely some merit in,

there's definitely some merit in purely theoretical experimentation and science without the motive for money. Because if a scientist has the pressure to develop, excuse me, if a scientist has pressure, to deliver a profit for their shareholders or for the company, then that might inhibit ingenuity, and it might inhibit inspiration. It might force them to look at things that are lucrative, but not necessarily enrich the human mind or exploration or discovery.

Jesus Christ, all right. Which leads to industry. Again, the Power Tools industry, you don't think that's? You should teach at community college. Yeah. Like all these fucking ideas about enriching the human mind and experience. Blah, blah, blah. NASA can't sell shit anymore.

Space shuttle is great the first time. Let's see what else you got. What have they done for us recently? Honestly, what have they done that's good that's not remote control vacuum cleaners? There's an entire article of just discoveries that NASA has made since 2013 on the internet. Are they all full of that?

Are they all full of stuff like that? Look, it's theoretical stuff that we discover today that we find application for tomorrow. That's why I mentioned Paul Erdisch, because his work in theoretical mathematics leads to, is still, they're finding solutions to problems we are discovering today

because of groundwork, the theoretical groundwork he laid early on in his career. Uh-huh. All right. Yeah. Good solution. You fucking insincere, bitch.

What's your solution? Lenses. Lenses. Lenses. You mean like the ones on the Hubble telescope? Yeah. Well, no, I think those are reflective lenses. I think the Hubble has mirrors.

Okay. What kind of lenses do you talk about? Well, glass, any plastic, anything, permael, anything that bends light. Right? Okay. You know how many people are blind? Like, you know how many people can't see? Do you know where we would be without glasses?

As a country? You'd be in the dark. We'd have to kill like, like, we'd have to kill like 70%. If there was no lenses to make glasses, I, you've got good vision? Sean, you have good vision? No, I have terrible vision. I've worn contacts for years. You're wearing contacts now? I didn't know that. Oh yeah.

We'd have to support you. All of us who have good vision would have to support everyone around us because they couldn't do shit. Dixman, Steve, do you wear glasses or contacts? Yeah, I wear glasses. I lost him at a beer festival a couple weeks back. It was, you know, cool. I cut my hand on them when I found them.

They were broken. Oh, my gosh, dude. I mean, how hard were you going down to pick them up? Like, how fast were you going in? I didn't see them. They were, like, hidden under some stuff in the back of the van, and I went and just dragged my hand across it. That's sad. Now, I don't have glasses. Seven out of ten Americans wear some type

of corrective lenses That figure jumps to about 90% among those 50 and older. You see, without glasses, these people would be completely useless. They couldn't enjoy life at all. They wouldn't even be able to see their remote control vacuum cleaners. Oh, hold on, Dick. You know what, Dick? I'm going to change my public shaming pool to Dick Masterson.

I'm about to shame you because you're, that's incredibly offensive to blind people. You're saying they don't lead productive lives? No, it's the biggest disability on, oh, they don't leave productive lives at all. Or they don't have joy from live? They don't get joy from life? What the fuck are you talking about? You just said they don't get joy from life? I didn't say they don't get joy from life.

What did you say? You just said, Sean? I think he was talking about productivity. Productivity? Oh, you're saying they'd only protect... Yeah, they don't leave productive lives. So what do you want me to say that blind people produce zero? Is that what you're saying?

Do you honestly want me to say that blind people produce nothing? Is that what you're really asking? They don't, they're not not unproductive. Do we have to focus on the fact in this show that blind people would rather see than not see? Is that question really up for grab, up for debate here? Of course they would rather see. Probably, yeah. As would anyone who has some kind of astigmatism or is vision impaired.

Sure. Right? Okay. Let's not be silly. Well, do you know. We don't need NASA to answer that question. But you know about, we'll get to this later, but you know about the deaf defense movement, right? Oh, it's ridiculous. Yeah.

That it's part of their culture that they can't hear. Yeah. Yeah, that's ridiculous. Okay, so go on. You're saying blind? Yeah. Current use of glasses and contacts among the 18 plus American population. Don't need any type of corrective lens, 30%.

Primarily wear glasses. 60%. I have perfect vision, so I don't understand what it's like to not have perfect vision or have like a vision impairment. It's like a bummer. I didn't know until it's like 16, which is weird. Yeah. How did you not know until you were 16?

Well, my mom's like really bad at caring. when you know, I broke my hand once and she's like, it's not broke. It's not broke. And like a year later, the doctor's like, this thing's super broke. A year later? Yeah, finally, because like my hand

was all gnarled up and stuff for, you know, months. And I finally was like, please take me to the doctor. And my mom's like, you're a jerk. And so we wait. And then the doctor's like, those are broke hands. So I've heard of these stories where people break their hands or feet or whatever

and they don't get it healed for a long time. It reheels incorrectly. Do they have to re-break your hand to fix it? No, it's like a bunch of like torn ligaments. and like minor fractures and stuff. So now like when the weather gets too cold, my hands get all cramped up and stuff. So like, bless her heart,

but there's like a lot of us in the house so she wasn't like able to take care of everything. And yeah, I was like, I'd always complain about not being able to see and stuff in class and she'd like, well, you just need to sit closer. And that was like the solution. Yeah.

And then finally she's like, I'll take you to the eye doctor. And the doctor's like, yo, you got some fucked up eyes. You can't you? I was like, oh, I shouldn't be on the road. Thank God we have lenses. to fix you.

Speaking of driving, imagine how much driving would be worse. Imagine how much worse driving would be. Nobody had glasses. Maddicks, that can appeal to you.

Yeah, right? Bicycles ran over every time. Pupp these glasses off. I'm crushing bicycles. Everybody on a bicycle would be dead. It wouldn't even be a valid mode of transplant anymore. Well, Dick, now you feel conflicted. Because that would solve your big problem

with, as you call it, bicyclers. I just think they're sanctimonious assholes. Yeah, that's all. Okay. The Who, the World Horth... If it's seven out of ten people who need glasses. That means 4.2 billion people

worldwide need glasses. Wait, how much? It's everybody. 4.2 billion people. Really that many? If it's 7 out of 10, and it's 70% of people. Hold on, hold on.

Do you know when contact lenses were first invented? I do not. They've been around for decades. For decades. They were hard contact lenses, which I can't imagine putting in your eyes.

Okay, so this is really interesting, Dick. The full implication of what you just said is that if contact lenses weren't developed, say, let's say the 80s or 70s, right? Probably the 80s. I think that's when it really started to take off, right? Contact lines? I think they've been around since the 70s.

I don't know who was using them in the 70s because, like I said, they were probably painful to put in your eyes. Well, so the technology that we use today that was developed mature enough so that people could use. So that means that before the 70s that the majority of photographs of people should be

of them wearing glasses, right? Because 70%? No. It could be vanity. Yeah. What do you mean? So here's the... Did you do some proof of that glasses aren't used a lot or what? No, no, no. Yeah, well, here's the full implication. Either that people, before the 70s either had to wear glasses, and there should be photographic evidence of, basically seven out of ten people should be wearing glasses in old photographs.

Not necessarily for what I just said. Or, or there were just a lot of blind people going around. Well, they're not blind when they don't wear glasses. Yeah. I'll nearsighted, myopic, whatever, you know. But you need, you'll probably need glasses at some point in your life. Like your eyes will not work as well at some point. Some people last a lot longer.

My brother's like, you know, late or mid-30s. He has perfect vision. Mine went shitty at like 20. Okay, that makes more sense. All right. The oldest known lens is the Nimrod lens. It's a 3,000-year-old piece of rock crystal that was unearthed in modern-day Iraq.

Uh-oh. Iraqi invention. It may have been used as a magnifying glass or is part of a burning glass to start fires by concentrating something. Fire. Fire. The invention of fire. No. That was a lens.

They didn't have flint stones back then. They started fires with little lenses. I don't think so. What do you mean that you don't think so? I think that Flint was used way before lenses. 3,000 years ago? Yeah, way before lenses. Oh, okay.

Let's see. That's not what the Internet says. Native Americans used Flint, and they haven't found lenses in Native American cultures. Earliest mention of lenses is in ancient Greece, where they use. them to see up men's buttholes. I don't... That's what Wikipedia says. I don't know.

Literally says buttholes. Yeah. They spelled it wrong, too. It was one T. With a W? One T and a W. Pliny the Elder writes about using burning glasses.

This is saying that this lenses were used throughout prehistory to start fires. I think that's a pretty good solution. Yeah. Reading stones were often used to illuminate manuscripts, blah, blah, blah, blah. lenses came into widespread use in Europe with the invention of spectacles,

probably in Italy in the 1280s. Microscopes rely on lenses. Cameras, no pictures, no photography without lenses. Microscopy. Microscopy. Imagine all the science we couldn't do without the lens. That's true. Solar power?

Focusing a beam of solar light on that stupid little photo cell. Okay, that's newer, but yeah. Yeah? Magnify. What is even a magnifying glass for? Can someone tell me that? They're killing ants and stuff. Right?

It has no practical purpose. It's like just for, you know, a nine-year-old to grab out of the junk drawer and torch up some ants. That's what I thought. Now, a magnifying glass is for a reading. It's for like elderly people who have... I'm listening. You're making a lot of sense. It's a precursor to reading glasses.

Yeah. Oh, okay. And also detectives, detectives use them to look at fingerprints. That's what I mean. Why do they have a magnifying glass? Like, can they, does that help if the fingerprint is twice as big? Honestly, I've been looking, sometimes I drop a tiny screw someplace, you know, it's a black screw on someplace, someplace dark like gravel or something grainy. I have used a magnifying glass to...

What are you doing with tiny machine screws in a gravel pit? Hey, I'm a scientist, buddy. I plug up my pee hole, all right? Telescopes? Yeah, yeah. There's no navigation to the new world without telescopes and without lenses. Yes, bravo. Even though the Hubble telescope doesn't have it.

Radio astronomy uses some kind of lens. Well, it's the same concept. Sure, same concept. VM waves or whatever. Wait, wait, you said radio astronomy? How's radio astronomy used lens? I don't know. They do.

Dielectric lenses? Well, you could make... A lens antenna. It's the same principle, but you just build a big antenna over the lens. Yeah, it's almost inverted. And it is, yeah, it's using wavelengths of light, which radio waves are. They're all wavelengths, right? So, so essentially they're, yeah, I'll give you that.

I'll give you that. Flashlights? You don't have to. carry a torch like a dick. Flashlights rely on a lens. I'm sorry, Dick. I would rather carry a torch, like Rambo. Rambo first blood, he was in that cave and he ripped off a piece of cloth and dipped it

in kerosene, and they used it to attack bats and rats with it. Okay, well, maybe that's not a good one. Big screen TVs. What would America be without big screen TVs and big titties? You need a Fresnel lens to have a big screen TV. That's absolutely true. Is it Fresnel or Franel?

Oh, it's Fernel? Oh, I've been pronouncing it wrong my whole life. That's embarrassing. All right, that's my solution. Dick, I got to tell you a lens story. So a long time ago, when the internet was still really ripe, really young, right? Not ripe, really young, pre-ripe, premature. You're going to jail.

Am I the next celebrity being shamed? When the internet was still really young, I would look around on my dial-up modem to interesting articles and things. And there was this website way back in the day. Whatever you do is always so shady. Like your correspondence that you wanted from your mom, I have no idea what that is. Looking at interesting articles with your 14-4 Baud modem. Very shady.

My game fan magazines. My mom would bring me down my game fan magazines. That's not correspondence. Correspondence. All right. So anyway, I would be looking at interesting websites. And I found this one where these guys were experimenting. They found that the Edmund Scientific Catalog.

I don't know if you guys are familiar. with Edmund Scientific, but you should definitely go to this website. They have so much cool science shit that you can buy, experiments you can try at home, and so on and so forth. These guys were talking about this giant Fresnel lens that they bought from Edmund Scientific. And it was something like two feet by two feet. And they said that it focused, it was essentially like a piece of, what's the transparent plastic?

Cellophane? No, no, not cellophane. Leucid. Either luci glass. Either luci glass or plexiglass, yeah. With ridges cut into them like a frenel lens. That's what a fernel lens is. they use it in the lighthouses, so on.

And it's essentially like a giant magnifying glass. It wouldn't have lighthouses without lenses. That's true. There we go. So it's essentially like a giant magnifying glass, and you can use it to focus the sunlight. But because it's so big, they were like burning through aluminum cans and things like that. I thought, well, that's cool. Then I went to the website and I found one.

I think it was like three feet by three feet. It was ridiculously big. I thought, fuck it. I'm going to buy the biggest one they have. I spent like $120 for this thing, including shipping. So they sent me this giant lens. And as soon as I got it, I ran outside. I cut my hands up because the sides of the lens were really bad.

So I'm bleeding all over the thing. And then I'm looking around. Yeah, it's square. It's just like a big flat square. I thought that they had to be circles. No, they don't have to. The effective area is the circle. Yeah.

They just come in a square. Correct. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's still circular, the ridges they cut into it, like the Fresnel pattern. So I went out there and I was looking at things around my neighborhood and everything looked giant. And I thought, oh, this is really cool. But then by accident, the sun started to focus on my chest. and immediately it started to burn that quick,

and I thought, oh, holy shit, I got to be careful with this thing. So then I started turning it on insects and aluminum cans and everything. I was burning. It would boil water instantly. If you had water in like a black body, like a black cup or something like that,

it would boil that water instantly. It would burn through aluminum cans, like nothing. It was amazing. I loved burning things with this in my yard. This sounded like the birth of Lex Luthor. Like, I thought this was going to be the story of how you lost your hair. And you've got a gigantic lens.

in the front yard, and the next thing you know, your head's a giant scar. Well, then I got the idea to use lenses like this. I thought, well, it's relatively simple to set up an array of lenses like this and boil water and use it for energy in the desert. And that's essentially what they're doing today. Yeah. I came up with that. They are.

Me. All me. They use salt bath. So, all right, that's my solution. If you wear glasses, vote it up. So 70% of our audience should be voting this up. Yep. Go ahead.

You got another solution? I do have another solution, Dick. We're running out of time. We are, oh my gosh, this is a long episode. That was a good solution. I actually liked that. My final solution here, the final solution, is generosity. Oh, God.

Yeah. The final G. Your pre-chey bullshit solutions. Is that what you do now? One solution and then a preachy soapbox solution. He got in temperance two times ago. I hate this one so much already. Yeah, me too.

Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Why do you guys hate it? Fuck you, generosity. I haven't even said a damn fucking thing. What?

What's your problem with generosity? Sanctimonious bicycle riding prick. You know, both of those, both moderation or temperance and generosity came from the same list, and I'll tell you what the source of that list is. The Bible? No, dickhead. Asshole.

These are ancient virtues, dickhead. That's the Bible! Well, the Bible's not the oldest text. There are things that predate the Bible. Ever heard of BC? It's most of history. Most of human history was BC. Yeah. Anyway, man.

Generosity is now... I've heard of the Bible is BC. What? Half of the Bible is BC. Yeah, but before BC, before that, there's still tons of BC that the Bible. BBC. BBC. Okay.

Pre-BC. Pre-B-C. Oh, my gosh. Go ahead. Why should we be generous, Maddx? Because generosity never heard anyone. That's such bullshit. Oh, yeah?

Well, listen to it's man. Generosity is a virtue that lets people not be. tied down by their concerns about their worldly possessions. And you're about to go to some Dick Fock conference in the desert, right? Burning Man. It's a conference. It's a conference. It's the biggest con there is, buddy. You're going to the Burning Man Con.

Let's call it what it is. It's the Burning Man Con. It's a gifting economy. It's all about generosity. It's all about generosity. Yep. And it leads to charity. Without generosity, there is no charity. And Dick, when you want to defend the super wealthy billionaires and corporations

you're like, oh, they're the biggest philanthropist. That's generosity. They are. Yeah. He nailed your impression there. I just, like, had to double take because I thought it was you. Yeah. That was the fancy dick impression.

There's a couple dick impressions. One's the stupid dick. One's the fancy dick. Uh-huh. One's the pugnacious dick. Go ahead. The pugnacious dick. I love that one.

This is, so generosity usually means giving more than you expect in return. It's the founding. principle that drives all charities. Here are things you can be generous with. I got a list here. Your talents, you can be generous with your talents. Oh, God. I was wondering how long it was going to take to circle back to you.

And it started. You're like the singularity of narcissism. Being around you is like a black hole of narcissism where no comment can escape your event horizon. It just immediately circles back. I'm so conflicted because I agree with that. But I'm also pissed off because you're shitting all of me. NASA does not have the equipment to gauge the weight of your narcissism.

It collapses in on itself. Yes. Oh, man, that's funny. You can be generous with your house. Huh? Like, you can be generous. I know something about that, don't I'm a man. Yeah.

Dick's man, our guest for the show, wouldn't be here if it weren't for your generosity, Dick. Yeah, that's true. Your generosity has been proved. Really reached out from the heavens and pulled me up there. See, so this show exists because of all of our generosity. Dix's generosity for opening his house to you. Sean's generosity for sharing his talents, his work with us, his time and his work, and my generosity for sharing everything that I am with you guys.

Right. My brilliance, my talent, my skill, my debating. Nobody else got a whole paragraph. Oh, yeah. No one else is as generous as I am. So magnanimous. Yeah. Magnanimity is what I have, and magnanimous is what I have.

and magnanimous is what I am. Your body, you can be generous with your body. Dick, I know you like that one. I do, I like showing a lot of thigh. I'm not afraid of it. Well, we wish you wouldn't. Your time, you can be generous with your time, as I mentioned. You can be generous with your food.

That's really good. If you're ever at a restaurant and you don't have any food, I sound like Donald Trump just now. That's really good. If you're at a restaurant and you don't have enough food, you can't afford it. You're a little bit low on funds. One of your buddies says, here, buddy,

have a bird. Have a bread say have a hamburger. Right? Why not? Why is that not? It's just like a weird way to frame generosity. It's generous. Look, man, if I'm at a restaurant and something, I show up late, everyone's already ordered, and I'm hungry,

I feel peckish, but I can't order because I don't want to be that dick who's, everyone's waiting on, right? I just won't order. I'm being generous with my, what, what am I being generous with? I'm just being generous. That's just really generous, right? I think it's been very generous of the media to call the Ghost Bus. movie an all-female reboot when two of them are clearly men.

Right? Is that what you're talking about? Yeah, no, not that kind of generosity, I'll give you that. So it's really nice if somebody gives me a bite of their burger, or a bite of their hot dog. That's nice. Come on.

Okay, yeah, that's nice. Come on. Are there foods that, like, someone could offer you, and you would be like, no, that's not generous. Yeah, pepperoni fucking pizza. No thanks. Thanks, but no thanks, but no thanks. Yeah.

And, and this actually happened, not even an hour ago, chicken McNuggets. Yeah. Dick's man, Sean, brought in some chicken nuggets, and he offered me one. I almost, it's Steve. Oh, my gosh. Dick's man, Steve. How rude. Dick's other man, Sean, Dick's other man, Steve. So he brought in, uh, he brought in some chicken nuggets and I was washing the dishes. And he said, hey, man, want one? I almost said, yeah, put it in my mouth. And then I realized what it was. And I said, no thanks. Thanks, but nothing. But you were very generous and I can't impugue you for that. They're pretty good. First chicken nuggets I've had. Well, I mean, technically I'm the generous one. I bought the dance tree. That's true. Okay. Of course. It does come back. Yeah.

All right, Dick's the generous one. You can be generous with your consideration. Like, what, what? It's just so weird to hear you talking about generosity. I'm a generous dude. As is the case when I listen to people go on and on about their stupid problems and shit that doesn't matter. Ah, there we go. Yeah.

That sounds right. I've entertained some real dumb shit notions. Like with 9-11 truthers, look, I shut those. I shut those idiots down hard. I shut them down hard on the internet. But then, every now and then, in real life, one of my dopey friends come by... Hey, Maddox,

have you heard of this theory about World Trade Tower 7? And it was a controlled demolition. And I listen... I am generous with my consideration. I don't shut them down as quickly in his heart. How often does that happen to you? Too often. Because I got to tell you, that never happens to me.

I'm not getting people accosting me with 9-11 conspiracy theories. Dick, that's because you have one... one type of friend. Okay, here we go. It is a group of people. Generous with his opinions. Right here. All of them unvarnished.

Nonsensical, but to a fault. Generous was hit with his opinions. Yeah, yeah. So I would say that you have a specific type of friend who resonates with you. They're on the same wavelength. And you either get or you don't. Whereas I do not.

I have different disparate groups of friends. I have groups of friends who are smart. I would lump you into that, Dick. You're in the upper tier. of smart. Lower half of the upper tier of smart. Okay. So backhanded. Lower upper class, I'll take it. But no, for real.

Like, I consider you an intelligent person. And then I have friends who are in the conspiracy realm. I have friends who are in the, you know, truth of the realm. I have friends who are in the religious realm. I have liberal friends. I have conservative friends. I have friends of all walks

of life. Right. And so that's why I'm generous. I'm generous with my consideration in time. Yeah. By entertaining these dumb, these dumb shits, these dumb shit notions. So this is from Wikipedia. Generosity does span throughout all the religions. In Buddhism, generosity is one of the ten perfections and is the antidote to the self-chosen poison called greed.

That sounds like a sermon. Generosity is known as charity in the Bible and the Don, the Eastern religious scriptures. In Islam, the Quran states that whatever we give away generously, with the intention of pleasing God, he will replace it. So almost every world faith. That's what the Quran says Or else

Almost every world faith Actually when I went to Dubai a long time ago It was kind of weird I saw these machines set up Around malls and stuff That looked like ATMs But they weren't ATMs Because you don't get money out of them

You put money into them And you just walk away Yeah they're charity machines Oh my that's disgusting Yeah they take That's disgusting though But here's the dark side of generosity Okay

You're giving to people who don't need it Get the fuck out The definition of generosity is giving to people who need it. It's a very, it's the same, enabling is the same coin. It's the other side of the same coin. I think generosity's great, but in moderation. Use your temperance.

Use your temperance when it comes to. You piss me off, Dick, because you got me. That's true. Moderation, look, generosity in moderation is fine. Yeah. I agree with that. But here's the thing, Dick. I have this friend who's very conservative from Utah,

and for years he used to shit on homeless people, Not literally, but metaphor. Oh, I hate homeless people now. Why? You do you? I moved up northern California. I don't know if anyone's been there. Don't north of San Francisco's.

Waste your time. Just don't do it. No, there's a ton of homeless people in Mendocino County than it is in Hollywood. It's horrible. I had no opinion about homeless people or whatever, hippies or whatever they want to call themselves. Until I had to like feed them and have them make fun of me.

We had this group of nasty homeless people and they're like, you can have all the beer in the fridge except for these two beers. These two beers are like special reserve craft beers and I'm sharing with my girlfriend. And they were just like, oh, cool.

And they just like took those anyways. The whole time they're like stomping around the house. The term was a housey. What the fuck are they doing in your house? Oh, he's raining and I was generous. So let's keep this idea flowing. You got a porch? No, I don't know.

My life is awesome. Yeah, so I didn't have opinion until I went up there and I had to deal with these fuckers every day. It's awful. They're like, yeah, it is awful. They're like, ask for somebody I was drinking a bottle of whiskey.

And I was like, no, you guys can have all that. You can have all the beer in the fridge you want. I worked at the brewery at the time. Yeah. You have all the beer in the fridge you want. Don't touch the whiskey. Don't touch those two beers.

And they just bitched about it the whole time. Like this one guy's like, well, I'm not even going to stay here then if you're not going to like share your stuff. Cool. Very cool. Good. Get out. It'll be fun for you. Yeah.

Go home. Which is the street. Go to the street. Some busted up spray painted van that's parked in front of my house. That's got to be. That is a true hippie. Yeah. See, Steve, that's not, those aren't homeless people.

Those are hippies. You're dealing with hippies. When you say hippie, I think someone with, I don't know, I think like, it's 1960s flower child or whatever. Nope. These people are just like dirty and they beg and they like are proud of it. I think generosity is going to bite you in the ass more often than it won't. Right? Like, keep it for yourself.

It can. Because there's nothing. That will never bite you in the ass. No, no, no, that's not true. It will. It can. But here's the thing, Steve, you can go to Venice Beach. A dix man, Steve, sorry.

You can go to Venice Beach and there are exactly the person you are described. is a bunch of smelly dirty hippies who feel entitled to shit that they don't have because they feel like the world should just provide, right? I talked to this guy at a party one time who was dressed like a Native American. White, the widest person, he's wider than Sean. Sean's the widest person I'd seen before I saw this guy.

There's the widest person. He's dressed like a Native American, and he sat there and lectured me about how we don't need jobs, we don't need money, because the earth provides everything we want. He said, just go to an apple orchard. Have you ever seen an apple orchard?

I'm like, yeah, someone planted those, and someone was paid for them, and someone paid for the seeds, and someone pays for the water. And they're covered in pesticides. Yeah. You think that that's just fucking free food, idiot? Someone worked hard to get that food that you're stealing.

Essentially, you're stealing. You're not getting food from Earth. Yeah. Yeah, if you planted those yourself, go ahead. Go nuts with your apples that are only going to last you one season. But you definitely need work and currency and money. Those are hippies. It's horrible.

But, yeah, these ATMs in Dubai were weird. You would run your credit card, and then it would give you an option of like $25, $30, $40, whatever you want. To donate to Islam? You would donate to Islamic charities, yeah. And they even had, I think some of them even had drawers for gold. So you could put in jewelry or actual gold coins and things like that. You could just donate.

Yeah, it was a really weird thing. I'd never seen that before. You know in Dubai walk around with like coin purses of gold? Oh, my friend, everyone in Dubai is a prince. Yeah, they're walking around with gold. Yeah. Well, there's one more. There's the missionary church of copamism.

Have you heard of this? No. This is really interesting. It's a church from Sweden, and it says that all knowledge is for everyone, and that copying and sharing information is sacred. So it's kind of like a piracy-based religion. And this is their logo.

I'm showing them this logo. It's a big digitized K, and then they have a yin and yang symbol where the black part says control C and the white part says control V. So they're very generous with other people's content. Yeah, they believe that no ideas should be copyrighted, that they are for piracy. They distance themselves from the pirate bay, but they do believe that all, everyone should be generous with ideas and thoughts.

That's great when you have no ideas. Try having an idea, then you get a problem. That's a cool logo. I'm going to put this on a shirt and sell it. How's that as a fuck you to their ideology? But yeah, man. Anyway, generosity, I think it's a big solution. All right. Last one?

Yeah. Cans. Cans. That's my solution. Not talking about boobs. Oh, okay. You can't recycle a box. You can recycle a can.

That's fucking bullshit. Of course you can... You can recycle boxes, buddy. No, no, no. They don't recycle very well. They fall apart. They turn into mush. Aluminum, oh, baby.

You can recycle that thousands of times. Cardboard, maybe two, and you're done. That's done. It's a huge waste. You want to drink a box of Diet Coke? No. You want to drink a can of Diet Coke. You want to get your oil shipped to the U.S.?

In a box? No. You want to get it shipped in a barrel? A container. A container is a big box. A storage container? No, no, no. A barrel is like a big can.

Yeah. Okay. Oh, yeah? Well, it's a barrel. Would it be a cylinder? Yes. That's just a round two. No.

Can has one side. A can does all the work of a box with one. Why do the work of six sides when you can just use one side, right? Cans are six times better than boxes. Boxes can go fuck themselves. You know how many cans are made worldwide? No. 475 billion cans

are produced worldwide every year for food for food and beverages and other shit. You know how many boxes are made every year? Hmm. Who cares? Because boxes suck.

Boxes are... You know what? They ship cans of goods in in boxes, Dick, Ken. No, they don't. Cans are much safer, though. No. Cans roll.

If you drop a can, there's only one chance... Let's say you're standing on a hill and someone hands you a can of soup and they say, Dick Masters, and here's some soup, because I'm generous. I'm sharing my clam chowder with you, right? They hand you the can, and if it slips and falls out of your hand,

there's only one shot of that can landing on one end, otherwise it's going to roll down that fucking heel, and you're out of soup. There's someone wrote a song about that. What? Like, I lost my poor meatball. Really? Yeah. That's a classic.

When you get pissed off, do you open up a can of whoop-ass or a box of whoop-ass? Box of whoop-ass is ridiculous. You would never open up, but you could have to get a box cutter out. Can you just pop the top, man. That's it. Cairns. Let the whoop-ass flow. Yeah, exactly.

Pandora had a box. You know who has a can? Huh. Beyonce. Right? No, Dick, you can't put anything in that... Well, you can put one thing in that can, am I right, gentlemen? Yeah.

Peanons. Cans are lightweight, like no other packing materials could withstand. The heat required to store foods. What are you going to store food in a box? Yeah. Light it on pure... People have had food. in boxes all the time.

Idiots, put food in boxes. Boxes. You get a box of popcorn. A box of spaghetti? Box of spaghetti? Sure. Dick's man, Steve, I don't know whose side you're on here, but it's pissing me off. Whose side are you on here? Are you saying that sarcastically? Because I would eat a box of spaghetti. You need a box of spaghetti. Yeah, man, Chinese food, Chinese leftovers come in boxes. Not cans. Not cans. Not cans.

And by the way, I would drink wine out of a box, not out of a can. You give me wine out of a can. I'll spit in your face. No, no, no. You put wine in a can and carry around and it looks like you're just drinking a coke. No, it tastes like tin. You're cutting your mouth? You don't cut your mouth open when you eat food out of a box. You cut your mouth open when you eat food out of a can. That's a fact. Steel recycling is the rate of 66%.

I'm reading the wrong stats. Look, it's more efficient to have cans. Look, fuck these numbers. Cans are better than boxes. It's only more efficient to recycle. Sounds like you brought in recycling is your solution dick. But seriously, what is a can but around box? It's essentially a round box. You brought in boxes. And by the way, when you get a big box of, you get a bunch of soup at stores, right?

And they ship them to the stores in boxes. Otherwise, those cans will be rattling around all over the place. In fact, cans are such problems that they sometimes have to put big plastic rings around those, right? Just to keep them together so they don't roll all over the place. They're roly-poly. That's your solution. You know what is a spaceship basically a can? A box.

With wings. A spaceship is just basically a round can with wings. With wings on it. You're gonna get to space in a box? You can send up your stupid satellites? Where would NASA be without cans? Nowhere. Yeah.

I don't know, man. I think cans roll and that's inconvenient. All right, that's my solution. So are we gonna get into the final chapter of the trilogy? I mean, I'm more than willing to share. You more than willing to share? So last time we left off, we met about a year ago, a Burning Man. Yeah, right?

Yep. You were having some problems. and some normal problems. Nothing weird, but... Nothing super weird. No job. Girl problems. My girlfriend at the time thought it would be cool to sleep with like, I don't know, four dudes.

Oh, yeah, I remember that. While living at my mother's house, and then one of those dudes happened to be like my childhood friend from middle school. But like, no big deal. Cheating, a big problem. We brought that in recently. It's a big problem. You would vote for that. So we met up and I said, hey, come live with me for a while.

figure it out in L.A. Generous. Generous of you. Generosity. And you watched all of Breaking Bad. I did. In my apartment. I did binge watch Breaking Bad. And BoJack Horseman.

In my defense, one season, but yeah, I did that. Generosity, maybe not such a great solution after all. Then... Moderation. Moderation in general. Then we brought it into the podcast, the story... Well, also, in my defense, I did get a couple jobs working as the PA. You did. It was great.

I'm just busting balls. You know, I went up to Beverly Hills and was told not to get... I didn't get... get to work there. Not a big deal. Target shut me down. I was too qualified to scan things. Did Beverly Hills ask where the Winnebago was at? I wish. So, your next move, after you left L.A., and this is where it got brought into the podcast, you went to the Kingdom of Weed. The Kingdom of Weed. Yes. And just to quickly recap for everyone, you got involved with the Duke of Weed and the Duchess of Weed. Yeah, more or less. And as their fairy tale was unraveling, a fairy

tale between you and the Duchess of Weed began. Absolutely. Is that right? Yeah, no, that's a fun way to put it. Yeah, thank you. Thank you. I like to keep it fun because what we're talking about is aggravated assault. So let's keep it fun and light.

What happened next was the Duke of Weed in a problem we called Chump syndrome started making very aggressive threats on your life. Yes. For swooping in on his territory. Yes. Right? However, she was done with it. And once a woman makes up her mind where love is concerned that,

That's it. I will make, like, the one concession for the Duke of Weed. And that is that, like, I was living at his house, the Duke and Duchess. I was at their house. And then when they split up, I began my romance with the Duchess. Sure. Relatively quickly. How quickly?

Like a couple seconds or... Like three or four days. Three or four days. Oh, days. Come on. That's a lifetime in relationships, man. Come on. So maybe that was a little rude.

I don't know It's bad form I'll say that It's bad form How close were you to the Duke I met the Duke Also at Burning Man A previous year

Oh So I So you had some So this would be almost like Someone I met both of them at the same time So this would be like someone You had a relationship with like Dick right

Yeah it's I would say similarly Oh Well I don't know Even then not really Like I'd met him at Burning Man But like Dick and I hung out a lot At Burning Man last year

Yeah. Like we were hanging out and stomp around wearing bunny ears and drinking cucumber melon water or something. Dix Man, Steve, I'm sorry. This sounds like a violation of the brocode. Yeah. Oh, the brocode is something for little boys. In real life, there is no brocode. And big bro, there is a bro. Are you kidding? You're saying there's no brocode? No, man, I think that is homoerotic. Like the whole brocode thing.

Hey, homosexual men have brocodes too, man. They don't sleep with each other's bros. I think it's true. That's where the brocode originated. From the homosexual community? I hate the whole bros before hoes thing. No, it's not that. That's different. Bros before hose is playground shit.

That's small ball, as you would say, Dick. That is small ball. But the bro code, the brocode transcends. Dick, the brocode runs deep in you, my friend. No, no, no, no. I've seen it. What do you mean you've seen it? What do you mean?

Oh my gosh. Dick Masterson. If I'm in a bar or at a restaurant or something, I'm talking to a pretty lady, you know, when I was single, Uh-huh. This guy comes over like a champ. He comes in there, quick jab, wingman, in and out, and I go up to him, and I said, hey, thanks for doing that back there.

He goes, yeah, of course. And I see the broco. Yeah. Yeah, but I want to see you succeed because you're my friend. Yeah. Like, when it comes, that's fine. That's like friendship to me. I don't need to say, I don't need to name that something.

Okay. When it goes beyond that and it's just like two guys who kind of know each other in an ancillary way or ancillary way, that to me is what people mean when they say the brocode that I'm not on board with. I'm like, no, no, no, no, I'm in competition with this gentleman. Well, there is a classic case on the internet. It's a meme that went viral.

Somebody on, I think, Google questions or Yahoo questions was saying, it was a woman. She said, hey, I found a bunch of websites that look like it could be pornography. I think my husband might be looking at all this pornography and I'm really worried, is he cheating on me, etc, et cetera, et cetera. First comment most upvoted was the guy's like, no, no, no, it must

be an application, he must have installed by accident, and that's, it probably pulled it up. He's probably fine. Don't worry about it. Okay. Key difference there. No chance of that guy getting laid. If there's a chance of you getting laid, in this case, my man, if there's in case a chance of him getting laid,

totally out the window every man for himself. Right? Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. Well, we're going to, this is a fundamental disagreement. We're going to find out what happened here. you. So that's where we left up. Yeah. Is this guy's making threats that he's going to come back into town? He's going to kill you. Yeah, so he's making pretty generic threats.

It's fun for me because she'll get these text messages from him and she'll hold them. They're like riddled with spelling errors. He's like, I'm going to eviscerate you and your new lover. I'm like, well. He says lover. Yeah. I was like, well, I'm glad that you read some poetry, but didn't spell any of those words correctly. So that was fun. Did he accidentally spell it lever? I didn't know. He misspelled like airplane once. And he's just like fired up typing all these messages to her. And then like I got this long shring of Facebook messages where he's like,

I'm sorry for being crazy. I'm going to kill you. I'm sorry for being crazy. And I didn't even speak to him. I was like, all right, listen, I understand it was a little bit shady of me to go ahead and start a relationship with your ex so quickly. Uh-huh. But I did. Things happen. Life is weird.

And then what happened? So then what happened? Well, he left town. I don't know if you got that bit. Yes, yes. He took all of their savings and flew to Greece and burned through a significant amount of money in about two months. Uh-huh. Sure.

On this, like, Greece trip to rediscover himself. That happens in Greece. Yeah, sure. Every other day was some sob story about, you know, how he's sad he was and terrible he was. And in the end, like, the truth came out that he, like, gave all the way his money to, like, homeless kids in Greece because he wanted to do booze and stuff. So, get high on drugs. So, yeah, he came back into town. and was still kind of like

generically threatening me and her and I didn't really care because I'm not interested he's not like in my life I don't see this dude he's like he took her truck he kept like yelling about how it's his and she got tired of arguing with him and like him showing up and like demanding to have it

so she just gave it to him so now we're like a cartoonish villain it is kind of cartoonish it feels a little and more or less I'm like whatever he can say shitty stuff about me because I do feel a little bad about the quickness of the, you know. You still sound like you feel guilty about it.

A little bit. By the way. I did. So one night, one faithful night, there's going to be a party. There's a party, a birthday party. That he's going to be at. Yeah. And you opt not to go.

There was a very explicit agreement that was he messaged her and said, hey, I feel like I'm being ostracized from my friends. I don't want to be around Steve. I want to go to the party. Can you promise that he won't be there? Uh-huh. And so I said, I don't want to go to that party anyways. I don't know those people.

I'm just going to watch. math videos because I'm a big nerd. Okay. You wanted to watch math videos? Yeah, yeah. I downloaded some math videos. And so... That's not going to make you more employable at Target.

No, it's not. I don't know if you think it is, but it's not. So what happens is he agrees, I won't go to the party, it's next door. We live on these little five-acre plots, and it's on the next five-acre plot over. So he goes to the party, I'm not there, I sing at home, and it's the next morning, and I'm just like, chilling on the porch. I'm opening my morning beer. I'm enjoying myself.

It's beautiful. Morning beer, classic man. The sunlight's filtering through the redwoods. You know, I can hear the birds chirping, and it's just, you know, it's a good time for me. So then the truck pulls up, and he's in it. And he hops out of the truck, and this guy's got a mohawk, and he's got a throat tattoo. Oh, you're fucked, man. He's all, you know, fucked up.

And I'm like, well, I guess I'm going to have to get in a fight for the first time since I was 17. So here we go. And he gets out, and I'm kind of like awkward. I don't know what to say here, so I say to him a cool camper because he had put like a camper shell on the truck. And he goes, that's the first thing you're going to say to me? You fucked up already. I kind of look around, I go, uh, yeah.

And I had the bottle of beer I was drinking was like Swedish. And so I go, well, um, there's some Swedish writing on this bottle. Okay, doubling down. Doubling down. Double in an awkward conversation. So then he goes, you know what, it doesn't matter. I'm sorry I go

End of story peaceful resolution That's great Oh I go okay wow Yeah man It's been kind of crazy The past couple weeks I'm sorry too

You know I should have moved in like that You know we were becoming friends And all this etc etc And he interrupts me He goes no no no You have nothing to be sorry for You didn't do anything wrong Our relationship was over

Well before you showed up Great Boom I go all right Wow this is Cool adults Let's do adult stuff This is how the adult world works.

He said, we are no longer levers. We stopped being levers for a long time. Levers anymore. So at this point, I do what I believe, and correct me if I'm wrong here, is like, the international man symbol for, we're cool, and I offer him a beer. Okay. That is a, yeah, that is the man. It's part of the broco.

Would you like a beer? To which his response is, yes. So I start to get up and grab a beer. At this moment, he notices a bottle of Jameson whiskey that I had purchased. the previous night that was sitting on the porch. Okay. I don't know why. Whiskey porch.

I don't know what's going on there, but it was there. And he goes, actually, this will do, and he takes a swig of it. And then he goes into about, like, a 20-second rant about how I'm a piece of shit. Uh-oh. And I'm, like, a scumb bag, and I'm, like, lower than dirt. And I'm just sitting there kind of picking at the label of my bottle, thinking, you know, he's got to get some of this out. Like, he's got to kind of rant a little bit. You know, it's reasonable.

And then he just domes me in the face with this half full whiskey. bottle. Like right in the face knocks my glasses up. I stand up. I go, ah, you just hit me with a bottle. Wait, this is your second pair of glasses that have been broken? Yes. Okay. I go, you just hit me in the face

with a bottle and he goes, yeah, well, in the fucking face. And I go, yeah, I know where you hit me. We're not doing this right now. You need to leave. So I jump in the car. And like, not the car, I jumped inside, grab like some frozen raspberries or whatever and put them on my face. And within like

20 seconds my whole face is like swollen closed yeah i have a picture of an and um i ended up having like a pretty you know like a concussion i'd go to the fuck i went to work the next day and i couldn't like see anything i was standing there spacing out my co-workers are yelling at me like pick it up pick up the speed you know this was at the brewery this is at the brewery yeah which i do not work there anymore uh story goes on and on um so yeah went to the hospital and they're like ah you got to go to the er i can't you know we just think you need to go to the because there's only one doctor in this whole county and they work at the yard. There's a picture.

Oh my gosh. That looks like oh man, that looks like a giant cockroach is just on his eye. It's pure black. I can't see anything. That's immediately after I was hit, right? Do you have the picture like two days later? Wait a second. You got hit and you took a selfie. Yeah, so it's funny. I probably would too.

It's funny. Yeah, yeah, of course. Yeah, so like the next couple days, both eyes swelled up and they're black. Like I even still have like some bruising and stuff now and this was bad. Your eye looks good, man. You're lucky you didn't lose the eye. Yeah. I could have, like, an inch lower, I would have been blind forever. An inch to the right, I would have been templed and domed and dead.

And now, how are you and the girl? How are you faring? You're still dating her. I'm still dating her. Yeah, definitely. So there was like a hiccup. She got evicted. We got evicted, I guess, as a team.

It turns out her landlord is like this huge scam artist and he like sold the house while we were living there. You know what? Both of you should move into Dick Masterson's apartment. Smart. The gift of Burning Man that keeps giving. I can't wait to see what exciting. Oh my gosh. You look like shit in that picture.

You're a hero. You're a chivalrous man. You fought a dragon. Literally. Literally, you fought a dragon for this woman. You'll be together forever. All basically thanks to me. Thanks.

This whole series of events started because of me. Yeah. End of the episode. All right. My solutions this week were NASA and generosity. Mine are lenses in cans. Lenses and cans. Cans delivered in boxes.

Go vote up boxes. Thanks for coming by, my man. Well, thank you. Yeah. It's fun. I gotta say that you're not putting a crime on the right way. It's like the biggest bank of sand thing I've ever heard. The roll-up it is supposed to be on the outside. If it rolls down, it's right.

If you have to pull the stupid thing out from the inside, you got it on wrong. It's fucking simple. You know what? I want to see these guys in, an under-pressured scenario, an under-pressure setting, put a condom on the right way the first time.

Hey, you know what? You know what the pressure is on with me? The chick. She's under pressure, buddy, because I'm sitting there. I'm like, TikTok, baby. She's putting it on with her mouth. There you go.

There's a bags of sand comment. Bullshit. Then you're kissing your condom-flavored mouth the whole time you're banging her. Yeah, that's a stupid idea. No. No, no, no. Because she gets the flavor out.

They smell horrible. No, man. You've seen a condom-favored before. I don't have to worry about the taste of the condom in her mouth because the next chick she's making out with also in my bed is going to get that flavor. Okay. A weird, elaborate fantasy. You gotta get into the fantasy, buddy. I've never had normal sex.

I've only had threesomes. In the Oculus Rift. Fuck you, Sean. With other guys plugged into the Oculus Rifts. Fuck you. They're all hot babes. They're all hot babes making out with each other. They're all tens.

Every girl I've ever banged to 10 or an 11. I dain to Banga 10. Are you kidding me?