The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Bonus Episode 13

Episode Date: June 14, 2018

Welcome to the biggest solution in the universe, the show where we discuss every solution in the universe from seafood to hot nudes. With over 5 million downloads, this is the only show where you decide what should or shouldn't be on the biggest list of solutions. I'm Maddox with me as Dick. Hey. And Sean, our audio engineer. Hello. How would seafood be a solution to anything? If you're hungry.

Oh, man, that's a weak-ass solution. What do you talk? Hey, seafood's great. Seafood's delicious. And you know what's a problem? Chicks love sushi. Chicks do love sushi, right? That's true.

Yeah. And you take him a sushi dish. that leads to hot nudes, buddy. Okay. Yeah. Every time I've taken a chick to sushi. Hot nudes. Anyway.

Hot nudes. First episode, season two. Welcome back. Thank you for supporting the show, guys. Uh-huh. But since this is a continuation, we should talk about the solutions from last season. Yeah.

The biggest solution in the universe from last time was flight. Hey, good. Flight. The system works. Yeah. That was a good... Why are you upset by that? It's not a content.

That's a good solution. No, no, I know because it's not the biggest solution from last. I think 3D printing is a super set, right? Because you can 3D print a plane. You can 3D print a rocket parts. Who's going to fly it? I'll fly it. Oh, man, I would love to see that.

Yeah. You ever heard of the Wright brothers? You know, they don't really like cutting in line at the airport. Let me tell you about how tower control works. Yeah, I don't need to because I'm a pilot. You will be arrested. I walk right in. 3D printing and then lifting.

lifting got last? No, and then Bill Gates. Bill Gates was... Maybe if Bill Gates put on some mass, Bill Gates... Bill Gates... You know, Bill... Why didn't you get a vote Bill Gates higher?

I think it's because people don't like a person representing a solution. There was some blowback about that in the comments. Oh, really? Yeah, because he's not a... Like, you don't have like a loose screw when you're like, hey, hand me a Bill Gates. He's just like a guy who is there developing software.

Yeah, but... But he had some unique ability. Okay, Dick, you don't like guys as solutions. I have a little thing for you. It's been a while since I've heard this rebrand. It's been a while. Yeah. Yeah.

We don't like people as solutions. Well, let's listen back. Let's see. May when you bring in a person as a solution. Yeah, you've said that multiple times. Ronald Reagan is now my solution. Uh-oh. Yeah.

And then he said, Ronald Reagan is now my solution. Yeah, but he said, I have. hate it when you bring in people for a solution. That was a joke. That was a joke because you were pulling sandbaggery, as you always do, by having me bring in GPS satellites when you yourself were bringing in satellites. You love this idea of sets

and supersets in the solutions episode. I was just going to say, he's a one-upper. Yeah. You're a super setter. That's a big problem. Every time anybody brings in a solution, you don't do this in the problem episode, which is funny. It's interesting. You bring in a super set of the solution. That's your argument every time.

Now, look, Ronald Reagan, by the way, Ronald Reagan, he started some kind of federal organ donation thing. Like, he made it legal for you to donate your kidneys, which we spoke about in the last problems episode. Yeah, but it was all about that. It was all musical instruments to churches, though. What do you mean? It was that kind of. Oh, that kind of organ. Yeah, I'm sure.

He got mixed up. And I'm sure there were plenty of organs from people who were dying from AIDS because he didn't think it was a problem and wouldn't fund it and didn't address it. Hey, we're kind of. You're You're motherfucking Anyway I also have I also have before we go on

And guys we're doing The big apple Contest The big apple eating contest We teased a long time ago Thank God It's happening We can finally determine

scientifically whether or not Red delicious apples Are mealy as fuck Yeah Right Yeah Great I'm going to

I bet that they are more delicious Than the majority of the apples On the list So you're shooting for the ultra a high bar of 50%.

You're shooting for a D-minus. You know what? But that's the argument. Like, people think it's the worst apple. And they don't split hairs when they say that. They say it's the worst apple. Unequivocally. I think they're idiots. Okay. Yeah. You guys.

I don't think it'll get in the top 50. All the apples are sampling. It's a bad apple. Yeah. The reputation's not unfounded. I seem to remember a certain person whose name begins with an M saying that he found a couple mealy ones the other day. Is that true?

Yeah, I did find, yeah, it was me, I know. I know, I did, you know what, yeah, you can get a mealy fucking apple. Great, one mealy red delicious does not make the entire batch, uh, mealy. Yeah, and one non-mealy red delicious apple doesn't make the whole thing. Oh, you know what? The battle of the pedants. You know what, buddy? I got a fucking, I got a boatload of red delicious apples.

I can hit you in the face with them. You'll say, you'll, oh, that wasn't mealy at all. You'll get a bruise. I'd be like, what did you just throw corn meal? at me? All this dusty powder all over the place. Dick, last time I got a comment here from Nigel Reason. So you were saying that you don't think that Bill Gates is a solution or people are solutions.

No, I don't think so. Because you say that, oh, well, someone else could have done what they did. Someone else could have come along. Like NASA. Usually it's a bunch of people working in tandem and somebody happens to beat everyone out. Well, this fan, Nigel, Nigel reason. Yeah. Well, like the Russian space program beat us on.

pretty much everything except getting a guy to the moon. Yeah, right? Like, the most important part is... Most important? The most important. Okay, then bringing a guy to the moon as a solution, and we'll see what part was most important. Yeah, I'll address that in a second,

but a fan, Nigel Reason, he said... He linked to this YouTube clip. He said, this is Dick's argument in a nutshell. Listen to this. You've never written anything ever. What about Atlantic Pits? First of all, that's not death clock. Dude, you never even completed one song, neither.

Let's not to say, I'm not capable of writing. In this case, it is to say that you're not capable of me. I could have written any Gatsklaug song. I could have any of them. But you didn't write in it. You didn't know. But I could have. But you didn't.

But I could have. That was from Metalocalypse. Yeah. That was your argument in a nutshell. You said, oh, they could have. Here's when a person is not a solution, okay? If somebody gets the gold medal in the Olympics. Like Bruce Jenner.

Sure. Yeah. Like Bruce Jenner. If you get the gold medal in the Olympics for running. the fastest lap or whatever. It's something that everyone is trying to do, and they're all trying to do the exact same. They're all trying to accomplish the exact same goal.

They're not innovating anything. It's just one person is going to be the fastest, no matter what. They're not a solution. The solution is when somebody has some innovation and ingenuity, and they bring that to solving a problem. Like Caitlin Jenner. You think so? What do you mean?

The sex change. I don't know. That's innovative, right? No gold medal winner has ever done that before. Well, that's true. But no one's a solution. No one's trying. No, but Bill Gates, like, if you create an entire industry, right, that's something that didn't exist before.

So he did that. This is like after the fact loss. Like your problem ranked last. So you bring in all these reasons to try to pop it up out of the negatives, right? No, it doesn't matter. The votes in. The votes in. The votes in.

You guys are stupid idiots. And go ahead and enjoy. You know what? Why don't you live in a world without Microsoft, without Bill Gates? OSWarp. That'd be a pre-B. Remember, did you ever use that? Did you ever use OSWorp?

You seem like you might have used it. No, I've never used OSWorp. I think the guy who, what, Linus Torvalds, who came up with Linux, probably did more for computers than Bill Gates. I don't know, though. Well, possibly, but he didn't create as much of, he didn't stimulate the economy as much. Programming probably would have been better for that.

Instead of Bill Gates. Yeah. It's like computer programming. That would have been a good solution. Yeah. Okay. I have here. Let's quickly go over the top ten solutions, all right, because we finish the first season.

Here are the top ten solutions rounding up the first season. Number one was nuclear power. Okay, that's one for me. All right. Okay. Nuclear power. Then we had kicking ass. Okay.

That's one for you. Cool. Then we had... Which was about video games. What, kicking ass? Yeah, basically. Remember that one? About my dad.

Yeah, but then it was... also about how modern day kicking ass is video game. Yeah. Pretty cool. Pretty cool. Pretty cool. Then we had critical thinking. Okay, yeah. Me. Meet. Oh boy. Yeah. Yeah. Genetic Engineering. Ah, me. All right. I'll give you that. You know, that was a good one. Uh, income-based fines. Ridiculous. Yeah. Ridiculous. Let me tell you ridiculous. Ashole. Yesterday, I just saw I was, I was at a mall. We have a lot of Apple testing to get through. Yeah. You know what? Then you blame this on this Mercedes. Mercedes driver who parked in a handicapped stall,

walked out, just walked right out, no placard or anything, and he looked like a real hot shot. And I looked at the sign. It said $250 minimum fine, and I thought, yeah, $250 means jack shit to him. That's why income-based fines are important. Maybe he was handicapped. He was not fucking a handicap. Not with that big swinging dick he was walking around with.

Then we had... That was a really weird place to go right there. Yeah. Okay. I didn't... There's some kind of penis. envy, I think, going on with this. He just assumes he has a huge swinging dick,

and that makes him not handicapped. That's metaphorical. He's just cutting the line. He's just cutting the parking line. Like, if the parking lot is a line, he's just cutting the line. I think you would like that. He's a quadriplegic, but he has a huge cock. He's fine. He took the last handicapped spot, and he didn't have a handicap

placard. He's not handicapped. Yeah, he's an asshole. He's an asshole. He's a rich asshole. All right. Then we have... Which is even worse, I guess. Yeah, somehow. Yeah, because he's Okay, well, we won't get into it. What's next? Incom.

Okay, so we got, then euthanasia. That was you too. Yeah, euthanasia. Cool. Uh, refrigeration. Me. Yes, good. And then we had...

Oh, why is that? Why is that a buzz? Silly. Silly. It should be on the list of solutions. Are you enjoying your cooled kombucha green tea over there? It's not kombucha, dickhead. Um, it's...

Refrigeration is definitely solution. Nothing was euthanized to get you this beverage. That's unfortunate. Then we had... What would you buy if someone was euthanized to bring you this? What would you buy? Like, diamonds are a great item for you, because someone was definitely murdered to get you that diamond.

It means a lot. Like, right? Someone gave their life for this. I appreciate the Hoover Dam more because they're ghosts, the ghosts of the fallen construction workers. What do you mean? Hoover Dam. Yeah.

One of the biggest engineering projects of mankind. Yeah. Right? like two, three guys died during the construction, maybe 20, I don't know. Falling off of it. You must jack off at the Great Wall. Shut up, Sean.

All right. Then we got soap. I'll give you a ding that. That's me, yeah. Oh, here it is. Here's the Time Maker or breaker. Yeah, Time Maker or breaker, you guys. Number 10.

Free birth control! Shit! Oh! Damn it. I lose. Biggest solutions. Biggest solutions. Yeah, thanks for voting, guys.

Super important. We're conducting this experiment. Thanks for buying, more importantly. I have one voicemail. Since we're going to have this Apple experiment right now, correct? I got somebody, an Apple scientist conducted their own Apple experiment. Yeah. Well, let's prepare. I want to play this while we prepare. Randy, Randi, Bobandy, get everything ready over there. Let's be ready to eat these apples. Hello, this is Pump Action Fist at the Maddox Institute of Armchair Psychology. And I have devised an experiment to end all experiments with me.

I have two apples. I have a red delicious and a gala. In a moment, I will bite in to one of each. And based on the noise, I'm sure Maddox will be able to tell you which is the hipster apple and which is the red delicious. All right?

Let's hear it. Using Android microphone technology on the phone, I'm about to bite into the first apple. Please take a listen. Good mics. You know all right? Okay.

Allow me a little. moment to clean my palate and take a bite on the second apple. Very scientific. Second apple coming up. Oh, is the first one. Ew. Mealy. All right, please take a moment to determine

if the first apple was the red delicious or the second apple was the red delicious. I'll give you just a moment to ponder. Okay, we got it. Dude, we can edit this. If you guess that the second apple was a red delicious, you'd be correct. There you go.

This has been brought to you by the Maddox Institute of Armchair Psychology. Pretty good. Betty wasn't even blindfold. All right, let's do it. Yeah, Betty wasn't even blindfold. We're blindfolding ourselves for this test. Seems excessive.

So we've got a bunch of apples that Sean picked up on the way over here, so Maddox didn't, like, secretly stack the deck by getting shitty ones. Eight, eight apples, right, Randy? And we got the names of them. We have a gala, we have Rome apples. We have... Sean helped pick them out. For anybody who likes jacking off to apples as much as these two do.

Here's all the names of the apples. He brought in his beloved Red Delicious, which he's probably injected with something. Oh, you brought in your own? Yeah. He did. I don't try. I sent that email.

I said, I don't trust Sean to know an apple from his asshole. I don't trust you because you might bring in something that looks like a stem stuck in a fucking abalone from your third world bazaars that you buy things from. That's true. The fuck are you talking about third world bazaars. I brought in the Christmas. Welcome, offendi. It's a prize apple that's the size of a bowling ball.

Yeah, it was crisp. It was delicious. You know what? You'll find out in just a second. We're all going to find out, aren't we? What else did you get, Sean? We have a Granny Smith in there. Yeah, Granny Smith. Pink Lady.

Golden Delicious. Pink Lady. Honey Crisp. I think there's a gala or gala, however you want to say it. Gala. There's a Roma. Definitely a Roma. It's Rome, right?

I thought it was Roma. How do you pronounce? It's just spelled like Rome, like the city. Is it? I thought there was an A at the end. No, R-O-M-M-E. It's Rome. Okay.

Yeah, it's Rome. And we've cut them in. the cubes and now we'll be distributing them and eating them. Right, correct? We're all eating the same apple at the same time, okay, and none of us look. We're all blindfolded. This is Apple A. Okay. All of our, we're completely blindfolded. We got, yeah, we've got to put our hands out. There we go. Okay. Pretty gross. It's disgusting. Disgusting. That is mealy as fuck. I'm going to, I'm going to call that right now. I'm going to call that the golden delicious. Golden delicious. I know which apple that is. All right. I give this a nine.

on the mealyest fuckameter. So, okay, we're rating this on crispiness. Ten is the crispiest. One is the meliest, okay? I'm just rating them on what we like. No, and then the flate, and then the, yeah, well, what you like, how much you like it. That was fucking disgusting.

That was disgusting. Okay. I'd rather eat shit than eat that apple. I, I, that... That's severe. Yeah. On crispiness, I would give that, okay. What would you give it?

You know, I'm not gonna, I'm not going to... You have to hide your answers. I'm not copying on me. Yeah, but there's that psychological effect where you hear someone else's answer, and it biases yours. I gave my answer, though. No, but not the number. Oh, okay. I already wrote down my number.

Okay. All right. We're ready for the next one. Oh, Mark Crisbee. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Hmm. Hmm.

I don't know what this one is, too, suckers. I'm going to win this. Eight out of eight. One hundred percent. I know what. I'm writing down the names of these, too. God, you guys really love apples. Like, I don't even look at the names when I go into the store.

I just fill up a bag. Randy, do you know this much about apples? No. Yeah. I give that a four on the mealy as fuck a meter. Okay. Fine. You thought that was mealy?

Well, it could be better. Yeah. Could be crispier. It was a little soggy. You know, I'm grading these, like, boobs. Yeah. Similar. You don't want your boobs crispy.

How sandy is it? I want them a little bit crispy. But not too crispy. Hide your shit. Randy asks how sandy it is. Let's get the... Let's get the apple C. Randa's doing a piss poor job of hiding the apples from us.

Oh, Randy. The skin. Oh, that's mealy as fuck as fuck as well. That's mealy as fuck. But it's a little bit tastier than Apple A. Oh. So, if you like cereal water. Yeah, I'm going to give that an aid in the mealy as fuck a meter.

Maybe a seven. Are you, are we rating this? I'm rating it on crispiness. I'm just doing the inverse of what you're doing. Okay. All right. You're being positive, I'm being negative. Okay.

All right, you got another one, Randy? You got, like, some booze so we can clean our palate or something like that? We got water. Well, that's not going to help. Oh, that is crispy as fuck. Yeah. That is some perky seas. Hmm.

Hmm. Oh, yeah. I'm giving that a one on the mealy as fuck a meter. Yeah. That was pretty crispy. That was pretty crispy. Yeah. I'll eat that apple all day, every day.

I could eat that apple for hours. Pretty good apple. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, yeah, I can catch a drift. All right. You fucking dick's looking at the apples. I thought we were blindfolded there, buddy. Cup your goddamn hand when you do that.

Mm. That's real, real gross. No flavor. Fucking dick. Fucking through the contest, right? You saw what fucking apple it was, you fuck. What are you talking about? You are real paranoid.

Either we're going with the blindfold lie, or are you going to call that out? Because I don't know what the fuck apples are. The flavor of that one was bad, though. The mealiness was high. But it wasn't as soggy and shitty as the first apple. No, the first one, to me, was by far the worst. The worst.

I'm going to get that one an eight on the mealy's fuck a meter. All right. I'm writing extensive notes. Oh, what is that a peach or a... pear? Oh my gosh. Is that a pear? That's a fucking pear. You asshole. That's a pair, Randy. Randy?

It's not funny. Randy's control failed. That's a 10. That's a 10 and the mealy is track meter. Glad I left that number open. I didn't want to have to go to 11. I still would rather eat that than either the first apple or the one we had previously to that. Well, so it's like it's very mealy, but

it tastes like a pear. It's not necessarily bad. It's not necessarily good. It's different, right? Great review. Tastes like a pear. This pear tastes like a pear. I don't know. It's like comparing apples and pears.

Literally. All right. Next one. Hmm. I don't want to join this one. This one is... Moderately crispy. The flavor is good, though.

It tastes like a sponge soaked in apple juice. Yeah. That's a delicious apple. I give that a six on the mealie as fuckermeter. We got one more. How many more apples we got left? One more.

One more. This is the final. That is the most... There's two, right? Oh, one? One more. All right. Because we had the pear control.

This is the final apple, guys. How does that sound? Does it sound crispy? That's crispy. Huh. Definitely under a five, but the flavor kind of sucks. Yeah, not crazy about that flavor. I give it a three on the mealy as fuck a meter.

All right. My apples are ranked. Maddox, do you like apples? I do. I love them. I think you're not going to like these apples. Okay. All right, guys. Well, then let's hear who's ready to go first.

Which apple did you think tasted the best? And I got the names, too. I'm guessing I'm going to see, Randy, if I get the names correct. Okay, do you want to guess the names at the end? I'm like, I got numbers that correspond to letters over here, but it's not going to mean anything right now. I think D was my favorite. D was your favorite.

I'm going to guess that was the Fuji apple. I'm going to guess. that was the honey crisp. I liked D. I kind of rated them the same. I think we should do this at the end. All right, so we'll decide. We're going to reveal our answers

for which apple was the tastiest, and we'll find out how low red delicious ranked. How mealy as fuck. Yeah, it's not mealy as fuck. All right. Dick, should we get some solutions? Yeah. You want to go first?

You want me to go first. I'll go first. Winners choice. You won the top ten. It's not a contest. Here we go. iTunes. Are you sure you're doing the right episode?

Uh-huh. That is a solution for you? Yeah. iTunes. iTunes. iTunes. I love it. The flagship of Apple, iTunes.

Their biggest money maker. I smell a huge backhanded. Yeah, this has got to be sarcasm. Like, iTunes is so bad that it makes you go to another platform. So it's, that's the solution. Yeah. You guys, don't knock iTunes. Oh, my, what?

Did you have a stroke? Did you fall off your bicycle and hit a curve or something? I think iTunes is a great solution. I'll tell you why. Oh, fuck off. This is going to be so sarcastic. That's already sarcastic. This is from a listener, Max Beard suggested this solution.

Oh yeah, here comes him calling him an idiot next. He said, Max Beard, listener, big fan of the show. He said it took him two hours to remove one album from the iPod that was given to him to replace it with a remastered version. I think that's great because it teaches us patience. And patience is a virtue. Are you like Jesus all of a sudden?

What the hell are you talking about? Mr. Coming in line. Steve Jobs is the fucking Messiah for Apple zealots. Drives like a fucking asshole. I drive like a king. Like a samurai. A king? Yeah.

You think everything's yours. That's the problem. A king samar. You know what? People are not. I appreciate. Prima's Nocturn. When you're driving, the best thing you can do is get off the road as quickly as possible.

That's what I'm doing, buddy. Okay. Listen to this. More iTunes. Back to iTunes. The solution, right? This is insane. All right.

Then when you're brought to the brink of insanity before you find the podcast category, you're searching for in the iTunes store. And you're seconds away from putting your fucking laptop through the wall, you'll appreciate Apple for teaching your restraint. You know, that's a lesson I learn. Every time I use fucking iTunes, I learn restraint. Why do you use iTunes? Sometimes I have to to see our ranking for the podcasts. Oh, there's sites that will rank it.

I'll send you, there's sites that will collect that information for you. Only ones I found, and I've searched extensively, is top 100. And unless we're in the top 100, then we're not ranked. Okay. Yeah. Plus iTunes stimulates the economy. That's right. It's the broken window of computing technology,

because you have to buy more RAM when the bloated program launches at 50 megs and then slowly creeps up to 200 for no fucking reason. Awesome. Can you do that with like a, uh, voice? That takes up 50 megs of your RAM on your computing machine. My computer goes on 300 megs of RAM. Look, if you have a netbook with 2 gigs of RAM,

that's like 20%, no, 10%, that's 10% of the memory on your computer for one program that pulls. plays MP3 files. Yeah. And you know what? Here's the memory footpring. Wait, it sucks, though. Then you're saying it sucks.

No, no, it's good because then people have to go out and buy more RAM, which stimulates the economy. Okay. Yeah, iTunes is good. It's good for the economy. Here's, for comparison, Winamp, the old school Winamp program that I still run to this day, 32K, 32 kilobytes of memory. Why are you so proud of still running Winamp?

Is that what you play your sound effects out of? No, I don't. But I do play the show intro out of WNMRIEF. We use this janky soundboard.net's application to play those. How did you know? Yeah, Winamp 32K resident footprint, memory resident footprint. Okay. Yeah?

So iTunes is also great. That is so sexy. Yeah. Look, iTunes, guys, I like iTunes because it's great. It gives you something to do when you're bored. If you don't use a mobile device To sync music on your computer Then you can hunt through your installed programs

For the six different services and applications It installs Trying to uninstall the You're such a fucking nerd Try to uninstall The bloated mobile device service And uninstall it That's what you know

One time I talked about how long it took me To install iTunes Oh God, yeah On the show right And I was like it took me two hours Because I found an unpacker. You have to find an executable unpacker to unpack all the different executables within it. And there are six different programs that installs.

Six different services and programs. I'm like, I just want to fucking listen to an MP3. Are you kidding me with this shit? And then the iTunes interface itself is basically just the Safari browser. If you copy the link to an iTunes album, it's just a URL, and you plug it into the website, and it's the exact same data. Yeah. XML. Well, it is a big solution.

I know you're being sarcastic, but it's definitely great for a lot of people. It's got a lot of failings. The design really sucks, but it seems to work out for most of the world who's not as smart as you. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's great.

If you don't use Safari, Airport Express, or Apple TV, no problem. iTunes will go ahead and install a program called Bonjour that will take up memory and resources, so when you buy those Apple products, it's ready for you. They'll be ready to go.

And if you never do, you get more hours of energy. as you hunt down services for your computer to disable. It's fun, guys. If you're bored next time, why don't you just go through your service registry and find all those fucking little programs that iTunes installs? Bonjour 64 and the iTunes Update Manager,

which is always constantly fucking pulling the server. And then iTunes is also great for keeping the internet safe for kids. Do you see your computer as an extension of your dick? That's a real question. Because you talk, you're very defensive of it. You don't like it being molested by companies. Like, it's like a car guy or a gun guy seeing that thing as an extension of their manhood. Do you like your dick molested by companies?

Well, it depends which company it is. Let's say it's Ford. Ford, yeah. Ford motors? I'll take that V8 hand job. All right. That's a real question. I think you do.

I don't, I've never thought about it that way, did. I think, because you're very proud of your computer when you get a new one. You don't like throwing the old ones away. Like you left that old one sitting in your living room. I was keeping track on the show for like four months. You left it there. I think you have like an emotional attachment to it. Where the rest of us, just throw it away.

Have you ever named a computer? Oh, I name all my computers. Okay, there we go. I named my hard drives. Are you kidding me? Mr. You name your hard drives. Yeah, my e-drive is called Fat Bitch. Because it's a big fat bitch.

It's a big fat bitch of a drive. Do you talk to it when they're processing data? No. That's not crazy. It's my fat bitch. I'll talk to my guns. Here's why I keep my old computers laying around, usually because, first of all, they're pretty damn fast. My old computer that I retired finally after eight years.

Retired, like a racehorse. Yeah, go ahead. It's still faster than new Macs that people are buying today. He's put it out to stud. Yeah. Put it out in the yard. Everybody come check out on this computer. It has all the rams you need to run four instances of applications for bonjour and iTunes.

Get out of here. My old computers are still faster than new computers you can be. today from the Mac store. Okay. Because it's so optimized. I optimize every piece and component in my computer. I like to have efficient computers to run well. So even though my computer today is way faster than my old computer, my old computer is still

very fast and I still use it for rendering. I create like a little rendering farm. Several times I've been editing, working on a project late at night. It's actually for the bonus show. So I had to edit some footage together and also render the motion graphics for the bonus show. Oh, my God. Right? Boop it up my old computer.

let that start rendering, and it renders a little bit slower than my new computer, but that's fine because at least my processor is free for editing on my main computer. I'm so glad you put that in there. I was really losing track of the story. And then I heard, wait, is someone getting made fun up? Okay, I'm listening. Guys, iTunes is really good for keeping the Internet safe for children, guys. We need the Internet safe for kids.

If you want to release a podcast with a no-no word in the title, iTunes will make sure that your podcast will get delisted from their network. You know what I'm talking about, Dick? Yeah. We were warned by Rob at Libson to take the explicit, to take any swear words out of our titles and descriptions. Yeah, because one of our recent episodes had the problems were fuck-faced Donald Trump. Unnecessary. And shitting in the shower.

Yeah. Both of those are no-no words. We can't have those on iTunes. We've got to keep iTunes safe for kids. It was not shitting in the shower. No. No. What was it?

Having to take a shit after you shower. Shitting in the shower is a solution. Excuse me all the hell. It's efficient. Yeah, I agree. So, and iTunes also keeps it safe for kids because there's no adult content in the app store. Do you have a problem with that? No, it's the kind of censorship that gives parents a peace of mind.

I like that. Do you really? No. Okay, why? Why don't you have a problem with it, Mr. Libertarian? That's the most libertarian thing possible. companies self-censoring themselves because they want to appeal to their market?

That's what libertarianism does. You get a nice, comfortable marketplace with no swearing because customers don't want swearing. Oh, I see. So libertarianism leads to more intrusion in your life from companies. Is that what? Use something else.

You don't like iTunes? Go use Google Play. Yeah, except iTunes has exclusive publishing rights for a number of different albums and books and media and content. You can't listen to your pretext. precious music. It's called a monopoly.

You're shifting the goalpost. That's called a monopoly. When a company has exclusive rights to publish something, and then their platform is shitty, that's why I had a problem with Facebook is because over 40% of all internet traffic is becoming Facebook. Once it hits that tipping point of 50%, well, guess what? Facebook suddenly becomes a monopoly. And if Facebook censors something, if Facebook censors something, it's no longer this free and

open market because there's no alternative to Facebook. You can't really, okay, what am I going to use MySpace? Like there's nothing out there. Bing? Google Plus? Just get a life and don't use Facebook. Dick, I hate Facebook and I would kill my account in a heartbeat, but it is so ubiquitous that we cannot survive today

as content creators and media creators without Facebook. It's one of the number one ways people find content online. And I hate it for that reason. Well, I hate it for many reasons, but I hate that reason about it. But you love iTunes because... Oh, because it's great. You can spend time reading a book with your child or chatting with your loved ones

while you wait for the 18 updates iTunes typically rolls out in one year for that fucking shitty application. Can't be secure, man. Yeah, oh, it's real secure. There's this article on QZ.com says, I hate iTunes, and I think Apple does too. And this was written by someone who's a huge Apple acolyte.

He loves Apple. And he said that a long time ago, his college roommate was having trouble with his Windows PC, he's like, dude, you get a switch. You got to make the switch, man. Everything just works on an Apple. So his buddy switched over to Apple. And he said that after years of his friend calling him up,

asking him how to fix problems with his Mac, finally he threw in the towel when his friend called him up, he goes, it's too hard to transfer music to my iPod on iTunes. And he goes, yeah, I agree. It's a piece of shit. And then he wrote this huge article about how awful iTunes is. Which, I mean, that's his opinion.

I think it's great because, again, it gives you time. Gives you time to spend with your loved ones. I like it. Yeah, all right. I think you should have brought this in as a problem. No, what? Because it's a very problematic piece of software. Hey, you know what, man?

It's not perfect. It's not perfect. I could bring iTunes in as a problem too. We're not talking about the problems with iTunes today. We're just talking about how iTunes is a solution teaches you patience, teaches you restraint, gives you time to do things, gives you things to do,

it's fun to uninstalled program. I love it, I love it. It's fun. So every one of your points is just how much time it weighs. It's like, you can spend time doing this, you can spend time doing this. That's a very negative way of looking at it, Sean.

I think it's a pause. I'm spending a positive view on this. I think it's great. Look forward to episode 82 when he brings this in as a problem. Yeah. What are you going to bring in as a problem? Like vaccines?

You know, you could, look, man, there's positives and negatives to be argued on just about anything. Just about anything. Just because something is a problem or solution doesn't mean doesn't have any drawbacks. Okay, well, I have a... Are you done? I'm done. I've got a solution that has no drawbacks. Oh, yeah? Let's hear this. Fire.

Fire! Has anything bad ever happened because of fire? I brought it... Did I bring in forest fires? Yeah, I brought in, like, wildfires. People cause for it. Fires don't cause forest fires. People cause fire.

Horse fires. Lightning. What's the one thing that makes us different from animals? The one thing? The one thing? Don't animals feel like us different from animals? Okay, the two things that make us different from animals.

We drink milk from another animal. No, don't animals feed other animals milk? Of course. Having sex facing each other, I guess that's one. Okay, what's the four things? What's the fourth thing that makes us different than animals? We go to the moon. Okay, five things.

You know what we need to get to the moon? A shitload of fire. True or false. True or false. Without fire, there would be no NASA. The ability to conceptualize fire. You see, it's a super. It's a super set of all your stupid problems, except maybe iTunes.

iTunes and fire, the perfect combo. Well, I'll give you that. You should definitely burn iTunes and then it gives you warmth. Yeah, yeah. So this was saying that we, as early as I had 1.6 million years ago, we discovered fire?

It's a long time ago. There's some kind of controversy. Well, no, they found like fire pits from that long ago. It's certainly an estimate. Maybe they're off by a couple years. They didn't give the, date that the fire happened 1.6 million years ago.

I mean, I don't know. Where were they looking at Black Rock Desert and Burning Man? I'm sure they're finding fire pits out there all over the fire. I imagine it was Africa. I don't think it was Burning Man. A bunch of African hippies, maybe. How do they know Lions didn't start those fires? Oh, that's a good point. Yeah.

I don't know. Lines might have started fires, become an advanced civilization, and then decided, you know what, this is too dangerous. Let's rein it in. You're not far off. It turns out that monkeys, monkeys have some kind of cognitive. ability to conceptualize of the ideas of fire, and they

prefer cooked meat. How about that? Yeah. How about, yeah, why don't you shove that in your pipe and smoke at all these raw diet idiots? Oh, they're raw meat, though. They don't eat raw meat, do they? No, they don't. Well, they eat sushi and Carpagio, yeah. Okay, but not raw meat. I remember you

brought in that the human brain developed more quickly when we started eating meat. Yeah. Yeah. Fire was a big part of that. Another super set. Another super set. It also shrunk our mouth holes so maybe in my case it went a little too far but it shrunk our mouth holes and our teeth and our intestines so without fire

you're serious about that yes no I knew it was true I thought you were fucking around without fire all people would look like giant like Venus flytrap mouths and we'd have like I don't know six miles of intestines sloshing around to digest all this food it would look disgusting you'd look like Stephen Tyler

yes everyone would be fat with organs and would have Stephen Tyler's mouth yeah oh my gosh it's a big man That makes me blush. Hey, look what else are you can do with fire. Cook plants and animals.

What? Clear forests for planting your shit and hunting. Yeah, you can. Fuck forests. Right? I'll agree with that. Number, biggest weapon against Mother Nature. Fire.

Agent Orange. Yes. Also requires fire to work. You can heat treat your stone for making stone tools. You can make glue with fire. That's more hunting. You can't kick ass without something to stab someone

with. Line cutting is a problem. Give them a shank with a tool that you made with a fire. Well, you're bringing that into the airport and the TSA is going to confiscate it. That's your problem, Dick. It's a cultural spear.

It's part of my cultural heritage. They'll allow that, yeah. You can bring on anything, any cultural weapons is totally fine. Yeah, man. You tie a little Native American ribbon on your pistol, your shotgun, your musket, or anything.

Yeah. Oh, it's cultural. Yeah. It keeps predators away. Right? Fire. A bunch of mountain fire. They don't understand.

They don't understand what this fire is. They don't like it. You know, mountain lines. Mosquitoes? Easily the biggest problem in the universe, mosquitoes. We haven't brought them in. We haven't brought them in. Not even close.

The worst problem. Would you rather have a mosquito scare or an AIDS scare? AIDS scare. Definitely mosquitoes. Mosquitoes can turn into an AIDS scare. No. Can't they? Nope.

What if they're sucking AIDS blood and then they hit you? That doesn't happen. What do you mean it doesn't happen? I mean, there's never been in any. instance of AIDS being transferred to someone through a mosquito bite. How would you know? Because scientists know. This was a fear of the, during the AIDS epidemic in the 80s where people were really afraid of mosquitoes and they thought we might all have to stay indoors, et cetera, et cetera.

They found that the AIDS virus, I think the AIDS virus doesn't live long enough inside the mosquito for it to transfer to a human. AIDS actually outside of the human body doesn't live very long. It's like under like 15, 20 minutes, something like that. Maybe they're evolving the mosquito. Well, okay, I guess. Go board up mosquitoes when Dick brings it in. Burning witches? You can't burn a witch without 26% of Americans believe in witches.

Remember, we covered this. You can't burn witches without a fire. Burning effigies, the best way to make your point. Yeah. It is a good argument. I'll see that argument. I'll see that rhetorical debate, and then I'll raise you this burned effigy. Yeah, what are they going to do?

Burn two effigies? I already burned one. Yeah. No, I already, I win. You can burn a warehouse full of effigies. How about that? Then you win for sure. Same statement.

I win. I did it first. Looks desperate. Looks desperate with the whole warehouse. One of my favorite things on the internet, and this has to do with fire, is there are these videos of people who are protesting America in different countries, mostly the Middle East, and they're trying to burn the American flag, and every now and then it falls on them and they'll catch themselves on fire.

It's the funniest fucking thing. That's God. That's what God's doing. You try to burn our fucking flag. God will rain down upon you, flaming America. Yeah. Did I say this one? Sterilizing tools?

Sterilizing medical tools? They don't use fire to sterilize medical tools. They did at one point. Yeah. Back when the mortality rate was sky high. Hey, how much percentage of energy is made with fire? Coal, 39%. Natural gas, 27%.

That's like two thirds of the energy on Earth. Comes from fire. Oh, that's pretty good. Comes from fire. That's huge. How much energy comes from Bill Gates? Probably very little. Probably very little.

He's decomposing, I suppose. Oh, wait, he's still alive, isn't he? So he's sucking energy down. He's costing us energy down, dickhead. You're probably sucking any more energy than Bill Gates. God, I would hope so. You are. That would be, do you think so?

Really? He's got yachts and houses. Well, you've got more muscle mass. You've got to eat more to keep that muscle mass on. That's true. Yeah. That's true. Yeah.

I don't know how you fit it all in that time. Any little mouth of yours. I shove it up my ass at the same time. I'm eating from both ends. That solves your problem with shading after your shower. Stop doing that, man. She's shoving hot dogs up his ass. No, I don't shave, I don't shove dick-shaped things up my ass.

That's gay. No bananas and I do like the figure is explicitly. Popsicles. No, too gay. Only non-dick-shaped things. Cheeseburgers. I'll shove a cheeseburger up my arm. ass.

Brensels. I'll shove a pretzel up my ass. Churros? No, fuck no. Charizo maybe? Like, ground up? Yeah, yeah.

Like the actual sausage or chopped up? I'll chop it up to shove it up. Okay. If it's tough it's fine, that makes sense. Okay. Signaling, like Lord of the Ring style, right? With fire, with smoke signals. That's cool.

Before you go on, the energy argument, you can make the argument that 100% of our energy comes from fire because anything solar, the sun is a big fire. ball. Whoa, I didn't even think of that. 100% of our energy. You know what? Not wind, though. There goes, he's super setting. Yeah, he's super setting. You're trying to bring in. Don't bring in the sun. The sun is basically like bringing in a

person. The wind, all the weather effects on Earth happened because we revolve around the sun and it creates our weather pattern. So, yeah, I would say 100% of our energy comes from fire. The weather was invented by the Chinese to get an edge in our manufacturing industry. Everyone knows that. You can't make liquor and beer without fire, can you? Nope. Smoking?

Wait, hold on, yeah, you can't. Well, if you're, okay, taking the sun out of the equation, when apples or grapes ferment, you don't need fire for that. They just sit there. Grape, wine, you don't need fire. Yeah, I don't think. But you can't make liquor about fire. You got to cook that mash, baby.

That's distilled. Yeah. Wait, what are you saying? No, no, no, you need fire for that. You don't need fire for anything fermented. You can, then there are a lot of fermented alcohols. What, you're making pruno? You don't need fire for prison wine, yeah.

But stuff you want to drink, you need fire for. Prisoners don't appreciate fire as much as other people. It's all I'm saying. Yeah. Cigarettes? Can't smoke cigarette without fire. Cigarettes are cool as fuck. Smoking weed?

I can't argue with that. Getting rid of bees? How are you going to get rid of bees without smoke? Good luck. Yeah, you don't need to get rid of bees. You just toughen up. You get a tougher skin like me. I have a huge fucking bee nest outside my place.

It's fucking huge. It scares women and children in the postmen. Every day, they're like, they're a, afraid to stand around my stoop. I love it. It's great. Scares away homeless people. I love it. Steam for bending wood and arrows are... Oh, oh, here's the greatest part about fire. Yeah. It's the great equalizer. You ever try to start a fire in front of a chick? Yes. Oh, that's the most terrifying thing in the world. That's the most terrifying thing in the world to do. I would rather be in the middle, in Chicago, in the middle of winter, and have a chick look at my dick for the first time, then try to start a fire in front of her and fuck it up.

You know what I'm saying? I got something that scares me even more to do in front of a chick is to change a tire. Well, it used to. I'm really good at changing a tire. That changed. That went from two extremes really fast. I mean, starting a fire in front of a chick and not being able to is really, really embarrassing. Very embarrassing.

How about getting your chain back on the sprocket? What does that mean? Shut up, Sheldon. He's running a bike. It's a bike reference. Yeah. Great. No.

It's not a problem. Have you had to change a tire in front of a chick before? and it didn't work out well one of my first dates so I'm really good at changing my tire in fact I could we should have a tire off oh I could change a tire faster me but it guaranteed probably mine have wheel locks on them so I dated this uh this girl a long time ago who had this jealous ex who uh like a bag of mulch she was a bag of sand and he was a bag of mulch they were star cross lovers yeah real funny okay so this girl so this guy's guys guys This girl's ex was, like, really jealous of her,

and, like, kind of stalked her and hung out, like, you know, like... Anyway, one night I was at her place pretty late, you know, three, four in the morning, and I thought, ah, I'm done. I'm gonna go home. So I get out, and I start driving my car, and I hear this dud, dud, dud, dud, noise, right? And I get out, and they look at my tire, and this giant, jagged piece of metal jammed, like, right in the middle of my tire.

Okay. And I thought, okay. And then, because right at... I thought nothing of it. I thought, oh, maybe I ran something over, except how would I have not heard it when I pulled in? because I didn't. It's just when I pulled out, right? Then I get home and she says, oh, hey, my ex came over and we had this talk.

He said he had this dream about me, blah, blah, blah. I'm like, oh, well, that's weird because I got a flat tire. Yeah, that is weird. Yeah, real suspicious, right? Big coincidence. Yeah. So I pull into the 7-Eleven to change my tire. And this guy sees me on the way in. He goes, hey, man, you need a hand?

I'm like, no, I got it. He goes in, buys like a Pepsi, comes out, tires change. He goes, that's the fastest I've ever seen a tire change. I'm like, yeah, I know. That's pretty fast. Really good. I'm really good at it. I learned from my dad.

My dad changes tires. With his bare hands, I'm guessing. Oh yeah, he doesn't use it until that's for chumps. He pisses on a t-shirt, so it's stiffen it up and then unscrews it with his bare hands. Yeah, anyway, yeah, we could have a tire off. I haven't changed the tire in a long time. I got run flats. I can't change a tire.

I got no spare. Oh. I mean, I could change one, but I can't change the... We'll change the tires on your car. Next contest. That'll be fun. Tire change off. All right, blacksmithing.

You like that? I thought you were going to lead with blacksmithing because that's the manliest occupation. Neither that or lumberjacking. No. All right. Your turn. That's fine.

That sounds like when you're like jerk off a piece of oak or something. Lumber jacking. Lumber jacking. Yeah, I do every time I jerk off, buddy. I got a real redwood between my legs. All right. You want to go for a third one? You want to impress your luck?

Some real lumber. It's a real mill. She should probably lay off of it. It wouldn't be so red. Oh, real funny. Every chick I'm begging. It comes the wood for the lumber mill, baby. Oh, their vagina is the lumber mill, yeah.

Yeah, putting wood in there. All right. Grind off these spurs. Oh, man, the ladies, I bet the poor ladies listening to the show right now. Their fingers must be tired from all the dittling they're doing at these descriptions. And there went the last two. No, those two Australian chicks who wanted to bang you are probably still listening. You're having a lot of dynamite drop-ins.

I hope so. Oh, whoa. I didn't know this was going to be a romantic episode. Well, let's lose the rest of the ladies guys, because my biggest solution, my next one, is computer programming. Oh, my God. Yeah. Computer programming, what a great solution. Okay.

Yeah, listen to those guys. Programming, no joke, though. But programming is the backbone of the 21st century. Everything we use today requires programming. Would you call it a superset? Yeah, man. Look, even if we bring in, I plan on bringing, I have brought in problems and solutions that were subsets of other problems and solutions.

And the reason is, because somebody who's curious, you know, like a researcher or an observer, a scientist, saying, hey, I wonder what the biggest problem is in the universe. They look at our list and they see, boom, right at top, you see the biggest solution. is, you know, me. Nuclear power. No, it's me. I am the biggest solution. And then you see the biggest problem,

anti-vaxers, whatever, but he goes, well, I wonder what's a bigger problem between salt and pepper. Well, you got to have both on the list, but the both subsets of spices or herbs or whatever, seasoning, you know? Anyway. Well, the superset often brings in its own complications.

Yeah. Yeah. Right? Mm-hmm. Because the subset of people is murderers. Yeah. Yeah. Big problem.

All right. So, programming. Everything we use today requires programming. You're listening to this podcast in MP3 format. Unless you paid for a burnt CD or cassette tape, which we offer that service. If you send you... We should do that.

Self-address stamp. Yeah. We'll just burn you guys... You want to handle that? You want to handle pressing some LPs of the bonus episodes? Yeah, we'll send out some CDs. 1799. Yeah. I get a lot of letters, handwritten letters from people saying I don't know what a podcast is.

Even then a CD requires programming. You can't even press a CD without some programming, some software to do it, right? Your phone is filled with apps that were coded by someone. The MP3 is encoded using a program. The player you're listening to on this podcast with is a program. Your computer, the internet, Facebook, almost everything digital requires programming today. Everything. I mean, just think of the full implications of everything we use today. And I thought, like, even things that are not remotely related to computer programming, like Apple's, rely on programming to get to you. Yeah. Right? Every Apple's

sold to you in a large grocery store is inventoryed and indexed in a database somewhere. You can't pay for things without a computer program doing its job to ring you up. You wouldn't have my website or this podcast without programming. Programming is the backbone of just about everything. Even us ourselves might just be programs running in a big computer, man. Oh, well, there's those physicists and they're kind of like new agey. They think they're trying to prove. Solipsist, I think they are.

Are they? I don't know. They're trying to prove if the universe is a hologram. Well, that, I think that, yeah, okay. That's a little bit more nuanced than if the world is like, quote-unquote, fake, I think. Proving the world, proving the universe is a hologram. Like, if the data in the universe can be represented holographically. I don't have the, I don't have enough knowledge to speak on that. But it's not, it's not specifically if it's like a big fake hologram.

Yeah, it's a pretty nuanced, nuanced philosophical and kind of physical argument they're making. But anyway, this is from the Guardian. there's an article says why kids should be taught to code. And it says, instead of educating children about the most revolutionary technology of their young lifetimes, we have focused on training them to use

obsolete, excuse me, obsolescent software products. That, in a nutshell, is my computer upbringing in school, in high school, and elementary school and junior high. They always taught us how to use specific programs. And I remember my teacher telling, like, we had to spend a week memorizing shortcuts

in WordPerfect. Yeah. Anyone listening right now remember Word Perfect? Probably not. Word Perfect was the was the go-to office suite before Microsoft Office.

And everyone was taught to kind of memorize these shortcuts. Like, you really need to know this and we were tested on it. And I didn't take that shit seriously. I wrote this, this, one of our assignments

was to write a resume for a made-up job, an imaginary job. So I wrote, mine was, mine was for a cow-slaughter. I said I had a lot of experience You know slitting throats and like

Skinning animals and you know things that would be relevant to a cow slaughter Today you'd get the police called on you for that shit And you should It was so professional though In Utah though that can't be that weird Right and so I cited sources and everything Dick that is the only time in my life I've ever gotten an F in any class Any class my teacher hated me

It was also frustrating for me in that class because at that time, I felt like I could have programmed an app better than word perfect than the one I was using. I was a really proficient programmer back when I was like 16, 17 years old in Utah. My programming teacher was teaching us how to do hello world applications and things in class, which for those who aren't programmers, a hello world application is the most simple program you can write. It's basically getting the computer to print the words hello world, right? Yeah. The most basic application, it's something that, it's just kind of an exercise you do to learn any new language. She was teaching us that kind of stuff.

I was in the back of the room programming a video game and making Starfields on an 80-86 computer. This is a monochrome, this is those like green, black and green computers you see in old-timey 70s movies and stuff? Yeah. Did you get into the mainframe at all with your video game? I did get kicked out of high school and banned from touching a computer.

kicked out of high school? No, suspended. Suspended? I got suspended, and I got banned from ever touching a computer again in high school. How long was your suspension? It was for three, four days. Was it racially motivated? It may have been.

Oh, good. All right, always asking the tough questions. Yeah, I don't remember. What happened? Have I ever talked about my hacking thing on this? No, no, no, no, no. So I was so bored in this class. I had it like an A because I turned in all my assignments immediately.

Like the same, within the hour that she assigned them, I would be done with it. So I was bored, so I started to create a login screen that was exactly like our normal login screen for class. Fishing. Yeah. All right. Except for the login prompt, when you typed in your password, it still showed up asterisks, right? Except it was running on my computer. And it would log that password into my directory and then reboot the computer.

So straight up malicious hacking. Straight up, it's a hundred percent malicious. Well, what am I going to? I mean, it's malicious. The only point of it is. to get around security measures. No, I just harvested passwords, but what would be malicious

is if I use those passwords for anything. Like, the worst thing I could possibly do in that, with those passwords, and as far as gain goes, is give me a better grade. But I already had an A in the class. No, you could take their passwords and log into their bank accounts

because everybody uses the same password. Oh, this was like back in 1996, so, like no one was doing online banking or any of that shit. So, and it was all stupid passwords anyways. Like, 1-1-1-1, it's stupid. Fuck, that's my password. So over the course of the school, the semester, I got everyone's password, including my teachers.

And, you know, I was just bored. I was just bored with it. And so then someone saw me doing it one day and narc on me. Yeah. Because I was planning on turning in this program for extra credit at the end of the school year. I really will. Yeah. They'll just reward me for how smart.

Your idea of how the world works is very deranged. And even at a young age. Any funny passwords? Any funny passwords? Yeah, I'm secretly gay. What? Like, I'm secretly gay. Secretly gay.

Don't tell anybody. People have confessions as a password. No, there were a lot of, like, boyfriends and girlfriend names in there. The girls put their boyfriends in. That could be juicy. Yeah. If it's not their husband. Well, I don't think anyone, well, this was Utah, so a few of them may have been married at this age.

But I, so anyway, I got called down to the office one day, and I saw my buddy, good buddy of mine, who was my programming partner for a lot of things. We created some demos and things like that. Uh-huh. And demos, for those who don't know, is kind of like a tech demo that you would create to push the limits of your computer. Super nerd stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So we created some demos and stuff. I was walking down to the office because they called me down there.

And then I saw him walking down in front of me. I'm like, oh, shit, they're on it. That's not what you want to see. Because he's like the only other person in class who really knew about that stuff. And I could have let him take some of the fall because they thought he was the bad guy. Like, everybody loved me in high school. The teachers loved me. They thought I was a really good student.

I was very friendly. And because I was. And they thought he was putting me up to this. What happened? Shut up. So they immediately started blaming him, and they said he's denying everything. I said, well, it's not his fault. It's mine.

I took responsibility. And then they said, you signed a form at the beginning of the school year saying that you wouldn't hack or subvert our security measures. I said, no, I didn't. And they said, yes, you did. we have it in our filing cabinet. I said, no, you don't. And they said, do you want us to pull it out right now? I said, well, you can't because it's in my backpack.

And they're like, uh, what are you talking about? I said, I never turned that form in. And they were pissed. Like, what, is that the smoking gun? That you didn't sign a form saying I won't breach your data security network? I knew I would. I knew I would. I wasn't going to sign this document.

Okay. Why? Because I knew I was going to do it. I knew I was gonna do it, so I wasn't gonna turn this document. Did they really need that to get you in trouble? No, of course not. Well, apparently not, Sean, because then they gave me the ban hammer. They said, I couldn't touch another computer in the school year, even to do my homework.

Good. Yeah. So then I transferred. They probably should have given you a warning. Yeah. Before banning you completely. Right, I was a good kid. Come on. So then.

Opposite of good. What? What? What? What? What? What? Do you still think that that was not a bad thing?

What you did? No, because I didn't do anything. malicious. Okay. Malicious, like there's Black Hat hacking and White Hack hacking. White hackers do it just for the challenge and for the fun.

Black Hat do it for profit and to hurt. I wasn't doing either way. There's a big area called the gray area which you are firmly in in this instance. How so? Because it's a huge security vulnerability. Having all, everyone's password on your personal computer. You don't want that.

Nobody wants that. I mean, it was on their server. So those passwords were saved, I'm sure, unencrypted on that server anyway. In fact, I did find a dat file that had all their passwords in it. It's stupid. Stupid. All right. Get out here. The only thing I did

hacking related back in the day was I logged in, it was the BBS days where, again, this is getting super geeky, but bulletin board systems were the internet before the internet. You kind of had to dial up to a certain person who was running a program on their computer. You would connect to it

and then be able to interface with it kind of like one at a time. It was like the internet, but one percent at a time. And you could download porn. Yes, and it took forever. It did. I created a war dialer. And this is another thing, people don't know what it is. Is this also not bad?

Something called a war dialer? Would you classify this as also not malicious? This is like a nuisance. It's annoying. It's annoying for sure. A war dialer created a list of every possible phone number in my area code. in my region. Then I created a program to dial each of those phone numbers.

And all I had that program do is listen for three seconds for the dial tone to pick up. If it picked up with a modem, then I logged that phone number, and I created a list of modems that connected. And then I did the range of phone numbers for my high school, my local high school, and I found a bunch of phone numbers that connected. And I called them back with my modem software, and I logged in, and I found out that some of them were for the sprinkler system of the school. Okay.

Nothing. Why would this be bad? Well, so then I logged in and I... Oh, I like this. So then I logged in and I tried to change the schedule for the sprinkler system to run during the football games. I thought that would be hilarious. So jealous. Revenge of the nerds.

This might literally be in one of the Revenge of the Nerds sequels. We're going to ruin the boys' football game by getting them soaking wet. Yeah, I can't believe I'm saying, I'm telling this. Yeah, whatever. Yeah, I thought it was hilarious. I thought it'd be fun to have the sprinkler system, except I didn't know the schedule of the football games, and I couldn't look it up, and then it was near the end of the school year.

Stymied by nerdyness. Didn't even know that football games are on Friday night. It's probably posted somewhere at school. It's always on Friday night. That's always when the fucking football games are. Never been to a football game. When it was a range of when they might be. What might be Wednesday at 3 in the afternoon?

I did change it to when I thought. the practices were held. And then I forgot about it and I ever checked it to see if, I never went out to the field to see if it sprinkler, the sprinklers came on during them. Because I was in class learning.

I was in commercial arts at that time. You know what, it does bug me that like some computer skills are not taught in class, like in kid prison, as I like to call it. The idea that, the idea that every kid needs to learn precisely comparable amounts of like math and reading

and science, like really, they need to learn an hour of, in blocks. You can't find any place to put computer programming in there or logic, just like for a month. Like none of those subjects can suffer. We need the exact same amount in all of them. Why do I find that a little bit hard to believe? Yeah, it's so important. People still don't value computer programming enough. It should be one of the, if not the most important thing that we are taught. Probably right after math. Math is the number one most important subject. then computers and computer science and then science.

I think in that order, and then literature. I mean, it's all important, being able to be literate and communicate well. But I don't want to come off like we're saying nerds should not be bullied and punished. That should absolutely remain. They deserve it because they're trying to fuck up football games by hacking sprinkler systems. This is so much fun. I found some really interesting stuff with my war dialer, too. Like what?

Oh, man, I found... Nudy pictures in punctuation marks. Like Asky drawings of naked ladies? There were a lot of those. I found some hidden BBSs. I found a lot of banks. Banks have a lot of back-end. Don't ever connect to your devices at Maddox Studio, by the way.

Who knows what's getting logged over here. Yeah, everything's logged, buddy. I analyze access logs like crazy. I always, actually, that's one of the reasons my website persists and exists is because I used to analyze my access logs so much. I just look at numbers and I look at see where people are coming from and all. All sorts of stuff like that. All right. All right.

Here's the problem with thinking about computing as a skill that you need to learn, right? This is from the Guardian. Says, we made the mistake of thinking that learning about computing is like learning to drive a car. And since a knowledge of internal combustion technology is not essential for becoming a proficient driver, it followed that an understanding of how computers work was not important for our children. Man, I cannot stress how important. Here's a quote, too. You'll like this one, Dick.

Everybody in this country should learn how to program a computer because it teaches you how to think. That's a Steve Jobs quote. Yeah, well, he's trying to sell computers. Yeah. Okay. Oh, it's cynical. Maya Angelou didn't say it. Cynical.

Right? She's trying to sell books. Or poems, whatever. Yeah. I will say this, too. This is when I learned how to program for real. You know, for years I thought I knew how to program. When I was 16 years old, I taught myself a lot of the programming that I knew back then,

which was a programming language I used. It was called Pascal. and I used C++ and C and all these things in assembly. I used to do a little bit in assembly too. Assembly is like really old school. It's almost like it's the next step above machine code. It's the way you can write the most optimized code for a computer. I know that means nothing to anyone listening, but whatever.

Anyway. Showing off. You're showing off how much you know about these computer languages. Yeah. So I didn't really feel like, I thought I knew. how to program with all this stuff, right? But I didn't really learn how to program until I took a class in college

called discrete mathematics. And I highly recommend anyone wanting to learn how to program, take a class in discrete mathematics, and we didn't even touch a computer throughout the entire semester. That's where I learned how to program because programming is all logic.

You have to learn the logic tables. You have to learn the logic gates. You have to learn why things happen and if-then statements. Everything comes down to programming. It's the way you think. It really helps, I think, with critical thinking. It can help with mathematics.

help you your whole entire life. It makes you think more logically in a more logically in a more logically rigorous and structured way.

That's my solution. Also, maybe throw in some deadlifting. Right? Okay. Is it time for the last solution? Yeah.

Cup holders. Oh, great. Cup holders. Cup holders is a huge ass solution. I've got two of them on me. You have two cup holders?

Yeah, right here, my hands. My lofty and righty. That's not enough cup holders. I have two cup holders in my car constantly in need

of more cup holders. Why? Because I've got more beverages. Look, We've got to stay hydrated as a society. I don't know if you're aware of how hydrated you need to be at all times, but you need to be very hydrated. Okay.

It's a solution with no negatives. Nuclear power, meltdowns. Satellites. The government could be taking pictures of you or sending you thoughts. Right? Flight. Terrorists could fly your planes into buildings. Huge drawback.

Cup holders. Absolutely no drawbacks. They take up space in your car. card that you might not want for putting a cup in. What are you going to put in that space? I don't know, maybe gadgets, electronics, things you program. Your computer shit. Computers, yeah.

You put your phone right in that cup holder, man. It's multi-purpose. Jingles around and they're never the right size. Cup holders are awful. You can't fit anything to them. Oh, man. And then you get, the cup holders are so bad, too. Because if you put your cup in there, especially if you get a cold drink in a hot summer

day, like an iced Americano, you put that right in your cup holder, right? It just sweats and perspires, and then you get this puddle. of sick, disgusting, moldy water in your cup holder you can't ever clean out. It's just sitting there it gets sticky and shit. Your, you're, you're,

and look, and every single cup holder. It doesn't get moldy and sticky. Well, it sits there and bacteria grows. I don't know, maybe paper towels is another good solution that you should invest in your car.

Yeah, maybe I'll bring it in. Did you know that cup holders were not always found ubiquitously on cars? How about that? This is only a recent thing. In the 50s, there were no cup holders ever.

You had to buy it like a bar in a kitchenette and it fastened it to your car. I remember in the 80s, my parents bought a minivan, and they thought the cup holders were the best thing, man. Yeah. They would always go to this place called Pick and Save,

and they'd sell these little hanging cup holders for your window. They were like these little... I remember those. They were great. We had so many of those. And I actually, I think I prefer that because then you can get rid of it when you don't want it. Look, what other solution is there

where people will go that far out of their way to get? I won't even get a flu shot, But I will go buy a cup holder if I need one. Why won't you get a flu shot? You know, I'm not going to get sick. I'm libertarian. Like, I got to go to the store, and then I got to have a sore arm while I'm at the gym

doing my deadlifting. Come on. It's for old people. I don't need a flu shot. You had a cup holder hanging off your piano. I did. That's how invested I am. I had a cup holder hanging off my piano because I need a cup holder.

What am I spilling beer all over the place? It's embarrassing. I made a cup... The first thing I did when I got to Burning Man is make a cup holder for my bite. Then I made one for my pants. It is the first... If society was annihilated,

and we had to start over, that's what I would do. I would build... I would invent fire first. Then I would invent making liquor. Okay. And then I would invent cup holders. And that's it.

That's all I would do. That's what society would be. A bunch of drunk monkeys running around. It's a huge solution. It's a solution to a small problem, and that problem is not that big. Maddox, you need to... You need to have your hands free.

Hands full? That's a big problem. I need a cup holder to hold that. Otherwise, you're going to have people driving around with one hand. Do you know how dangerous that would be? Sometimes I put a drink in my lap. This is you we're talking about. Not everyone has this. People are going to be spilling hot coffee on their penises and burning themselves

and then crashing into other cars and pedestrians. It will look like we're driving around in China out there. Are you kidding? We need cup holders. They're very important. Yeah. People use them every day. Um, okay.

I got a stats for that. I actually found a stance for that. Okay. I got a couple. 39% of us will try out the cup holder when we shop for a new car. 27% of us will completely reject a car because the cup holders are not satisfactory. That's stupid. And first of all, 39% are testing the cup holder when they test drive a car.

You don't? You wouldn't? Because I know the gravity works the way it should. And I know if I put a thing down in a thing, it's just going to. to stay there because that's fucking physics. It just does. You know what? I challenge you to not use your cup holder for a month then.

I have my cup holder right now. It's filled with gum and bullshit. It's like my garage clicker. Yeah, I have gum. What do you mean gum? Just a bunch of gum from making out. Chewed gum? No, no, no, unchewed gum.

Yeah. Okay. I keep my gum in there, and I put my cell phone in there. It's never full. I mean, it's never empty enough to put a cup in. It's like these round holes that I wish was square. I just wish it was square. I just want a square thing that I get, like a toolbox.

Give me a fucking toolbox right in the middle of my console. Done. Listen, you empty that gum and jacks and magnets and whatever else you keep in your cup holder out. You fill that cup holder with cement for one month. I don't, I think your life will be noticeably worse without that cup holder. Yeah, I agree. But again, it's not because it's, it's not because it's a cup holder. It's because I don't have shit a place to put on my gum.

That's just the name of it. You can use it for whatever you want, but it is called a cup holder. It's round. It's inconvenient. Do you put square things in round cups? All the time. What? Ice cubes. Yeah, you know what, though?

Ice is kind of a box, and it comes out of an ice box, but boxes. Let's see. Oh, here's how stupid people are. In 1989, the U.S. News and World War. report was still calling cup holders crannies for drinking cups, an unnecessary future frill. Can you imagine that? How stupid we were in 1989?

That's ridiculous. A future frill? It is one of the most basic necessities of driving as a cup holder. Hey man, drink before you fucking drive. I've been saying that for years. There is a fucking quote for you. Yeah, just, I don't know, get a, here's a best. solution bottle caps for the bottle that you bring and then you just set it on the seat or you throw it on the ground and it doesn't fucking matter you just throw it

on the ground yeah a cup I'm drinking out of you get a passenger and then you have your passenger hold your fucking drink oh please how's that for a cup hold is that happening a passenger helping you hold your whole the time with me buddy then they're gonna drink but then they're gonna drink your drink that better not they're gonna spill all over the place jiggling them around trying to use their phone with their nose well then they're gonna have a problem of trying to get home with because they're not riding with me You spill a drink in my car, you're walking.

All right, that's my solution. Let's figure out what happened with these apples. Hey, how about that lady who spilled the coffee on herself? Remember that McDonald's lady? Because that model of car, that model of car, the probe? Yeah. Didn't have a cup holder. Oh, really?

How about that? You want third degree burns all over your lap? I don't, but I'm also not an idiot. I cannot like spill a drink on myself. It's hot coffee. Phil to the brim. What are you going to sit there in the drive-thru? make the line back up because you're sipping

and out of it, drive with one hand, mowing over flowers and trees. The world you're proposing is sick. You know, the problem is McDonald's for making their fucking coffee too hot. And I looked up the details of this case. Wait, wait, isn't she a slip and fall person? No, no, she's not.

No, she got huge horribly burned and scarred. I thought I thought she got busted for something else later. That might have happened, but I don't know. Maybe, but that's irrelevant. Like for, you know, fraud. Right, but that's irrelevant. She got busted for hacking into the passwords. at her son's high school. Yeah, and then not doing anything.

It's totally innocuous. Still illegal. Victimless. Why is it illegal? I just gave this girl a bunch of rufanol. I didn't do anything. I just wanted her to have a good time. I literally, I didn't log into anyone's accounts.

I didn't give a shit. Like, oh, what am I going to do? Log in and get their shitty homework assignments that aren't even as good as mine? What am I going to do with their passwords? It's a fucking extra credit assignment. Let the kid off the hook. I just broke into this car to see if I could do it.

No big deal. Yeah, if you shut the door, you lock it up, no one knows any better. Great, fine. What difference is it made? You know who did this? Charles Manson's followers. They would break into houses and creep around just to show that they could do it. That's cool?

Yeah. Not really. Okay, whatever. That's a little creepy because it's invasive. But I'm not like breaking. That's what you're talking about. No, that's a bad analogy. It's definitely not.

It's hilarious. A more accurate analogy is if I created keys that worked for their house, right? Perfect replicas of their keys and they didn't use them. And that's okay? That's better analogy. Yeah, why not? You need to go to jail. You need to go straight to jail.

Why, if I have a key to someone's car and I never use it, or if I have a key to someone's house, because I have If you had a key to someone's house, like a stranger's house, they... Like a stranger. Yeah, well, uh, no... Not someone who knows you or has trusted you. This is just somebody. It's someone who lived in an apartment who gave me a key to their apartment and they moved out. So now a stranger lives there and I still have a key to their apartment.

Yeah, but you didn't go out of your way to get it. your way to get in. Like if you just went out of your way to get a key to someone's place, they'd have a good cause for assaulting you. I think. That's a huge invasion of privacy. Well, that's illegal. Assault is illegal.

So is what you're... Alright, let's get to the apple. Having a key is not illegal, buddy. Freedom of information. It's not... Freedom of speech. Free speech. Just making a key. Making a key. Can we please do the Apple test? I can make whatever key I want. Yeah, let's get to this let's get to this fucking Apple test. Because I'm going to shoot you shit heads down.

All right, the best apples, guys. The best apples. Everybody rank your apples and then say what's your favorite. My order is D. I'm going to rank the top 50%. Mine was D, H, B, and let's see, D, H, B. Wait, wait. Oh, you have an H?

And it looks like... G. Oh, you didn't count the pair? The pair was F. Well, we don't know it was a pair. That's just conjecture on your part, quite frankly. Okay, so after the pair, we don't count. We had two.

Yeah. Fucking it up. You deleted the pair. Yeah, I did. You guys. Sean. Okay, you guys, you want to hear my favorite, what was your favorite apple, Dick? D.

D was Dick's favorite apple? I'm going to guess that was the Fuji. Randy? Wait, what was your, Sean? I had two. Okay, you had two? You couldn't pick between two? No, because they're different.

I think one was the Honeycrisp and one was the Granny Smith. Well, which letters? apples, though. Well, no, but, well, D. Okay, you like D as well. You like D? Probably influenced by me.

Probably copied my answer. That's why I said. We shouldn't say. No, no, no, no. Did you hack Dick's cell phone, Dick's computer? Did you hack my mind and the big hologram

that we're living in? You can look at my sheet. Make a password that you didn't use and then get banned? If the pair was F, then the next one was G, that was my other favorite. Okay. G, okay.

H was the last, right? H was the final apple. Okay, yeah. So, D and G for me. Okay. What about three? What about the third? The third? No, not very much. No, no, I mean, what about your third choice? Your third choice. Oh, my third choice.

H. Okay, so you and I both had D-H and G in the top four. Well, that was my top three. I know, but there was my top four because I threw a B in there. Oh, okay. Okay. And what were yours again? D-H-B-G and C, but C was not great. Okay, D-H-B-G-C-in-that-order, right?

Yeah, what were yours? Okay. My top three was G. G was my favorite. And I know that's not the Red Delicious. I don't even know what apple that is. The G was the best. G and then E and then A. Okay, I gave E and A huge mealy as fuck meters. Sean, what did you do with E and A?

Disgusting. Mealy as fuck. Okay, A was truly disgusting. Truly mele as fuck. What, he said E? Yes. Yeah, it was somewhat mealy. It had a, I wrote weird, dirt,

undertones. Yes. Yeah, maybe that was your fingernails you were slobbering on. I don't have fingernails. Ew. I've evolved to not need them anymore. Yeah, okay. Randy, what are the results?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, before Randy, I want to see if I got these apples right, right? Okay, let's go through one by one. Number one, A, well, I thought was the Rome apple, right? A was the Rome apple. No shit. Why don't we do the names of the apples afterwards? Let's just see which one was the red delicious, right? And then you can go through the names?

Okay, yeah. Yeah, because the red delicious is the, one in question. That's what the contest is about. Okay, Red Delicious was the one in question. It was E, right? Right. Randy? Was it E? Was the Red Delicious? Yeah. E was the Red Delicious. All right. So, so both, Sean, what did you say about E?

What did you rate that? That was my second to last. Yeah. Mine was third to last counting the pair. I considered it highly mealy as fuck. I had an eight on the meleas fuckometer. And you had that on your top three. Yeah. It was a good apple. Not my favorite, but it is a good apple. But your second favorite.

It was my second favorite, yeah So you like, you've seen Both of us independently considered that Apple Mealy as fuck. It's not mealy. Well, but we both considered it mealy as fuck. You're full of shit. How are we full of shit? Because you guys knew. How did we know? There's some fuckery going on here.

I didn't know. I didn't know. I would have ranked it. If I had known, I would have put it above the pair. Get the fuck out of here. Put it above the... So you know what's interesting though, guys? My favorite Apple outside of this contest is the Rome apple and everybody thought that was the worst apple.

Wait a minute, wait a Your favorite apple was which one? A. No, no, my favorite out of this contest was G by far. No, bro, G was the pink lady. That's going to be your new nickname. Was that the pink lady?

Yeah. That was the most tasty apple, I think, of this entire batch. The pink lady was the most delicious and it was also very crisp. That's a really good apple. And I put that as fourth. Yeah, I'm surprised at how good that apple was

because it's also... G was good. Yeah, G was really good. The Pink Lady, I think, is the winner of this contest. But- Guys go to pinklady.com in your promo code, Biggis. You get free stickers on your order of Pink Lady apples. What's that? Where was the Granny Smith?

The Granny Smith. Okay, let, yeah. You didn't put it in there. Okay, here. We got the parents said. Yeah, you could tell it, you could spot a Granny Smith. You could smell a Granny Smith. It's really hard.

Okay, you didn't put it in. That makes sense. Apple A. Maddox, what do you think it was? That was the Rome Apple. Okay. Sean, did you also guess the names of the apples for some weird reason? Just a couple of them.

I thought that was going to be the golden delicious. Okay, it was the Rome. Okay, it was the Rome apple. Now, the thing that you, so the thing about a Rome apple is it's a very dry apple, and it has that quality, it's almost like a graininess to it. Yes, that's what the term mealy means. It means like meal. Like meal, grainy, grainy, grain, okay.

Cornmeal, brand meal. But a mealy red delicious, but a mealy red delicious is kind of like soggy and mealy, and I don't like that. I like this dryness to it. I really like a Rome apple. I think you just like rice. Like you like the texture of rice in your mouth No matter what it is A fruit or...

Get out of here Number two, the B I thought the B was Fuji Right? Sean? I didn't guess that one. Okay, yes, yes, correct. There were a lot of them that I didn't know. Yeah, Fuji, B was foodie. Well, when I picked them out, I was like,

I'm gonna get a bunch of them that looks similar but they're, you know, they're all different And they all tasted different even though they look similar on the outside. Okay, C, what do you think C was? See was the golden, the golden delicious. What did you think about that one? I didn't. That was my second to least favorite.

No, you gotta pick one. You can't be doing both. This is a game show. Golden. Putting up there, hey, Alex, I buzz in. You know, maybe it's Moniskew. Maybe it's Voltaire. I don't know.

What do you think? I say, correct. 60% Golden Delicious, 40% Gala. I think it's gold. Okay, you're wrong then. What is it? It's Gala. It's Gala, yeah.

Gala, yeah. That was close. All right. How about D? D was, oh, I also thought D was Fuji. That might be Honeycrisp then. Well, you got to give me a percentage again. Okay, then it's not Fuji because I would guess that one.

I think D's Honeycrisp. Honeycrisp. Okay, Sean wins. He got it first. Oh, great. Okay. Bullshit ass. E.

Who's reading this? Randy has horse shit written on for E. I don't know. Did you hear you guys guess that? Shithead asshole, dickheads. That's a, you know, that's not a, this is not a blind test. Okay, it has to be a double blind test, Randy. You can't write down horse shit on that?

No, of course not. What did you write down? Red Delicious. Or R delicious. Does the R stand for really gross delicious? Okay. No. Everyone got to pair, right.

G, we said pink lady. H, did anybody have a guess for H? I guess Honeycrisp for H, too, but I guess that's wrong. Honeycrisse has to be then... We know what it is. Honeycrisse was D. Yeah, Honeycrisp is D, so I don't know what H is. Honeycrisp are unique.

They almost have like a slight apple cider flavor. No, they're not unique because we both get... I guess Honey Crisp was either had to have been either D or H. I guess for both of those. I was right. I, I, you had too many, that was the most confident thing I had.

I was like, D is the honeycrisp. Was this test a success? I think H. No, because he didn't win. What was it? If he had won, it would have been. What is it,

a success scientifically? No, it wasn't, not even scientifically. Why? This entire test is fucking bunk. Bogus test. Now you know how we felt. Last season.

Do, Rady, what kind of fucking slap dick test? No, no controls, except for the pair. Are you kidding me? Randy, you did a great job.

What was H? H was golden delicious. Oh, H was golden delicious. See, H. Better than I thought. Yeah, it tasted like the honey crisp, the golden delicious. I didn't get that. I rated it way lower.

I rated it at five. Guys, my first favorite, again, was the pink lady. I'm surprised how good it was. And then the Red Delicious was my number two. And then my number three was the Rome Apple. I like Rome apples. Most people don't, and I understand that. And you know what?

It's not necessarily a bad thing for something to be mealy. But Red Delicious is not fucking mealy. Dude, it got high on my mealy's fuck a meter. Get in a fucking Red Delicious right now. Throw them all away. It has the crispest crunch of any of these apples, except maybe the Honeycrisis.

The Honey Crisp is a really crisp apple. Whatever. All right, my favorite was, who cares? What was your favorite? Honey Crisp, Golden Delicious, and Fuji. So I guess that's what I'm buying from now on. Great. Go ahead and buy your floral bullshit Fuji apple.

Apples are so fucking floral. You might as well be eating a drink, just drink a bottle of perfume. Call it a day. That shit apple. And the pink lady, speaking of perfume, the pink lady was your favorite. I always like, switch up to pink ladies.

All right. That's it. All right, guys. My solutions are fire and cup holders. And my solutions are computer programming and iTunes. Love iTunes. Go vote that, what, up?

Yeah, vote up iTunes. It's a big solution. Okay. Thanks for us. See you next month. You want to know why I didn't call back last week? It was because I was paratrooping into all the chick's houses that you're going to have sex with in the future and fuck them first.

Yeah, it doesn't feel so good, does it? No, it really doesn't. Who is that? That's a weird Matthew McCona.