The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Bonus Episode 15

Episode Date: June 14, 2018

Welcome to the biggest solution in the universe, the show where we discuss every solution in the universe from glasses to big asses. With over 5 million downloads, this is the only show where you decide what should or shouldn't be on the big list of problems. Big list of solutions. I'm Maddox. With me as Dick and Sean our audio engineer. Hello. I almost brought in big asses. This episode. For real. Yeah, as a solution. I have asses. Yeah. No, you want a big ass, though. Well... Asses are not like boobs.

You know what they say about boobs, which is when they're good, they're good. When they're good, they're good, and when they're bad, they're still good. Yeah. But that's not true with asses. Speaking of boobs, in, let's see, what I think, what was it, sixth grade? We started off the sex education with true or false, like myth or not a myth.

So we could, like, I don't know, engage the kids and, like, say whether this is a myth or not. So the myth was, men prefer large breasts. And this guy behind me, the class was silent. because nobody wanted to chime in yet, and this dude behind me just goes, true. The teacher goes, well, no, that's not true. Actually, men prefer,

and I turn around and look at him because everybody's kind of sniggering. I remember his face crystal clear. He just goes, huh? Like the face of like, oh, I don't know, don't they? Huh? The teacher was saying that. No, the teacher said, no, actually.

Men prefer different sizes and shapes of women. It said, like, you know, it said the party line, as is the teacher would say, but I turned around and looked at his face and he's just like, eh, I don't care. You know, that always creep me out, the kids who were too experienced with sex in elementary school.

You know, there was one guy, one kid in my elementary school when I was growing up, where he was always around women, like girls were all over him, and I thought, well, that's, that kid, it's going to warp him at some point. Dude, I was throwing that, too. I went to a Christian school.

For some reason, my parents sent me to a Christian school for first grade. What? Why? I don't know. Why didn't they just homeschool you? Yeah, no, no, they might as well. And I remember this one incident very, very clearly, these two chicks in my class, in like first grade where I felt, even at the time, I remember this very clearly, they were like, hey, do you want to know where babies come from?

They were talking about something about, like, making love. And there are these two little girls basically coming on to me. Yeah, I believe it. I thought it was the weirdest. It was like, I was really weirded out by it at the time. But now looking back and I'm like, dude, Catholic school or Christian school, whatever that was, those chicks, those chicks were already on course to becoming like the typical Catholic schoolgirl syndrome total sluts. Yeah, super hot. Yeah.

And I had it right in my lap and I didn't even capitalize on it. What an idiot. That's pathetic. What an idiot. Pathetic. If I had a time machine, I would go back to that moment when I was. I was whatever, seven years old and say, dude, you gotta tap that ass. If you had a time machine, you could go back in time to last month.

Vote up time traveling. Or analgesics, because Dick, yeah. The biggest solution in the universe from last month was math. Oh, that's good. Then analgesics. Yeah, okay. And sandwiches and underpants. They were all solutions.

All solutions. I totally agree with that order. Yeah. Well, they were all presented as solutions. They, yeah. That's a good point, Sean. Well, they always are, Sean. No.

Reagan wasn't. Not Reagan was a, that was a joke. How many solutions get, how many solutions ended up in the negative? That was a joke. Yeah, he was. You know what? How many have ended up in the negatives? The solutions?

Probably about 4 or 5. Yeah, about 20%. May 10, 20%. Yeah, I got a comment from Cliff Bernsweig. I like that guy. Yeah, he says, the Earl of Sandwich invented the sandwich in the same way that Columbus invented North America. Which he did.

Exactly. Thank you. All right. So I looked into this dick, because you said last time that the Earl of Sandwich invented the sandwich. He didn't invent the sandwich. He did. No, he popularized the name for it. What's the difference?

Well, one is correct and one is incorrect, I guess. Let's start there. You're right. You are incorrect. I'm right. But I looked up all these. documentaries and turns out turns out so i wasted so much of your time

you fuck i love that is a solution it is not john my time is so valuable oh man it's precious uh-huh um i looked up all these i love watching foreign news sources so i watch a lot of japanese news i watch a lot of british news i love watching chinese news because you can really sense as an american as an outsider when there is propaganda Oh, my God.

In Japan, whenever they cover China... Japan and China have a lot of animosity towards each other from the war, right? Okay. There's still a little bit like... A little curmudgeonly when it comes to each other. Yeah. And so when Japan...

Because China dropped all those bombs on them, right? Other way around. No, no, no, no, no. That's the story now. What? Let's just change it. No, what do you talk about? Let's just say...

I'm implying that we would say China dropped you through the bombs on them. No, so... So there's still this weird underlying animosity in their news, you can pick up on it. But the British news, when I was looking up this documentary, like for information about the sandwich, they had no mention of the history of the sandwich or anything. They just went right to the Earl of Sandwich.

And then they said, that's where it came from, period. And then they made it this British food and this British delicacy. It is! It's not. It's called a sandwich. That's the whole... It's called Sandwich.

Right. You can popularize something, but that doesn't mean it was invented. by the British. People way before the UK was a thing were eating bread and meat. That's not, they didn't invent it. They invented the sandwich like the Chick-fil-A franchise invented the chicken sandwich.

You don't call it a Chick-fil-A sandwich, though. You call it a chicken sandwich. Invented by the Earl of Sandwich. It was not. It was not. All right, you got any more comments? Yeah, I do. I have one from Spiro Hoseitis. Now, one of my favorite things on this show

is when fans correct me in the comments and they're wrong. Here's one from Spiro. Speaking of wasting time, how much time did you waste responding to them in the comments? I didn't even have to. Didn't even have to. Other people took care of it for me. This guy says...

You should just send all the responses you have to people in the comments to your publisher and say, here's my book. Yeah. I wrote it. They'd be like, we don't need 600 pages. We need to cut it down. Spiro...

Spiro says, So last time I talked about math and the Pythagoreans, right? The cult of Pythagoras. He says, this month Maddox invents a completely unheard of civilization, the mythical Pythagoreans. Old math genuses, those guys. And then Nick Asher also comments says, great job, Pythagoreans. Oh, wait, there were no Pythagoreans.

Pythagoras was one person. Also, ayahuasca is not a cactus. You're thinking of San Pedro, which, whatever. Anyway. He corrects me too? Yeah. Whoa. The balls on this guy.

You guys, fucking use Google. Don't be an idiot. Don't correct me if you're wrong, you morons. You shit-eating. Mouth breathing. Rock gargling, achers, fucking morons. These dipshits, they think they're so clever correcting. You're all wrong.

You're all idiots. Then I got one last comment. So wait, is Ayahuasca not a cactus? He says you're thinking. This is also coming from the same guy who's never heard of the Pythagorean. Take it with a grain of salt. And then I got another one from John Costanzo.

He says, I take my ayahuasca. What's that? With a grain of salt. Oh. John Costanzo says, Thanks to Maddox is bloviating. I bought some red delicious apples.

The ones from Whole Foods sucked shit. Yeah. And the ones from El Chippo grocery store were fucking awesome. Go vote up Giant Eagle as a solution. Go vote up what? Giant Eagle. I guess it's a grocery store chain. Oh.

Look, here's the thing, guys. I told one of my friends to try Red Delicious a while back. Oh, stop, dude. He got some organic, he got some organic red delicious, and I'm like, dude, it's not the same strain

as the mass-produced ones that are in grocery stores. Get the lunchbox size red delicious. You'll never go back. And boisterous coconuts tried him, and he loved him. Changed his life. He's in studio just observing.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, come here. Come here. Get on a mic. He's an ass kisser. Yeah, he is an ass kisser. No, he always shits on me. Get up on the mic and kiss. No, he's kissing red delicious. He's kissing big apples ass.

Let me say one thing. You picked your red delicious apples. You're great. Your motherfucker, handpicked them. Yeah, they were great. No, and you still got smoked. No, I didn't. Are you supposed to just blindly grab apples?

It's like, that how you shop? Of course you pick your fruit. No, for the competition, he picked his own Red Delicious. Oh, yeah, outside of the rigorous judging. Well, look. So what did you think of it, hysterios? Look, I tried Red Delicious. I hadn't eaten them in like 10 years.

I bought them and they tasted like my. childhood. I love them because my dad would always give us red delicious apples back when they were super good. They got shitty for a while. Yeah. But now I had them and I was like, oh, this is so great. I agree. They're like the apples I remembered like, you know, I was real nostalgic. They're back. Asteroos's dad used to throw dirt clods in his face as a kid. That's why it reminds him of his childhood. Well, agree to disagree. I mean, yes, but. Okay. It sounds like the nostalgia factor played more into that. Anyway, that's all I got for comments. All right. I've got, let's see. Oh, okay. So Randy, Randy is here, and he's just slipped me a card that I have to read. I'm supposed to be reading these cards now from Randy. All right, let's hear. Randy, the producer of the show. This card says, you both completely ignored the agenda that I had set forth last week while I was at Sundance. Not sure that it's necessary to say you were at Sundance. It seems kind of name-droppy to me.

Your fans want four problems and solutions, not a long-winded diatri-I'm not adding to this, not a long-winded diatribe about your vague understandings of the political and or economic systems. Who the fuck are you talking about, Randy? Nor constant problems that focus on your crotch-ass areas. That's debatable. As such, Maddox and Dick,

you will each be given three strikes today on the bonus episode. Okay. Bringing up politics, strike. Armchair, economizing, strike. Bringing up apples, strike. Oh, shit, that's bullshit. You have one. You have one.

They're delicious. I don't care. I'll go down with that strike. I don't give a shit. Extraneous interruptions. Guys, we're going to stop the show. Sean gets one for interrupting me on the card. Yeah.

That's one for you, Sean. That's one for one. I have no strikes. I win. Any other thing you do to Iray What's that, how do you say that word? Irritate.

Ha, irritate me. That's a joke, Randy. Strike. Thank you. This should prove to be the most electrifying episode in the history of the universe. All right. So we got a strike system now?

How do you know when we get a strike? Do you have like an air horn or something? No, we're just keeping track here. I got a tally here. You have one, Dick. And Sean has one. Well, I hope Randy has the tally. Dick is the interrupter.

Yeah. I have a strike, but in the sense of a bowling strike. That's what you mean by the Apple thing. When I mentioned the Apple thing, right, Randy? Yeah. He's nodding. He's nodding. He's nodding.

He's nodding. He's nodding. He's nodding. My head is turned sideways. it's critical thinking, but anyway, biggest solution, this month is Springs. Yeah.

Okay. Springs. Springs, Springs. Springs, Springs. What do you know about springs? They're a damper? They're not, they can be. But springs have the property

of elasticity, Dick. Which means they can be bent and stretched, and so long as you don't stretch them too far, they always return to the same size and shape. That's an amazing property Think about that You can change something's shape and size And it always returns to the same shape and size

So in other words A spring is nature's time machine Oh Huh? Right? No I don't know That's a little weird Okay, it is

It's just like a spring It's like a piece of metal He could be talking about springs Or his wiener It's a strike That's a strike That's a striking There's no one out of crotch

There's no one out of a string No, you brought up an ass or a crotch. That's a strike, dude. Oh, shit. Yeah. That's two. You said shit. One more and you're out of here. Yeah. Shit is bad? No. I don't like this game at all. Yeah. Oh, it's... Say, only I'm allowed to call strikes. All right, all right. That's straight too for you. Oh, for irritating you. Oh, shit. You guys are up to like 10 apiece now. Listen to this guys. You think springs are just, you dismiss them as just a piece of metal.

No, we're not. It's not. I'm not dismissing them. They're cool. Good. Good. They are cool. Because springs are found everywhere buddy. Cars, door hinges, retractable pens, car seats, couches, suspension, Idaho, you name it. Wait, Idaho? Like hot springs? That's funny. If it makes you feel good, chances are

that it's a spring. Yeah. Didn't think of it like that. Springs make you feel good. Unless it's a Casper mattress. Yeah, yeah. Memory foam is way better. I'm sure you would agree that Memory foam is far superior than springs. It is. To be fair, they are way superior vote up NASA.

There is a very simple property that makes springs work. The amount that you extend it is directly proportional to the force. So if you pull a spring, you've loaded it up with potential energy, and when you let it go, it converts to kinetic energy, right? Kinetic energy is the same kind of energy as a kick to the face. Think of a spring is a kick to the face. Awesome. Imagine.

Yeah. Yeah. Imagine a world without springs, buddy. It'd be a nightmare. Everything would fall apart. You'd fall in your ass right now. One person actually did imagine a world without springs. There's this short film that came out in 1940 called A Case of Spring Fever, where one stupid... Double feature with Reifer Madness. Yeah. Spring Madness. Is this like an industrial film? What do you mean by an industrial film? You know, like one of those films that they make for internal use at a company, so the production value is always cheesy, and they try to slip in jokes that are awful.

No, man. I like them. Yeah, well, this, good. Then you're going to like this. Oh, so it is. Okay. It's a movie. It's a short film about one stupid, oafish, dumb, foolish idiot who doesn't appreciate Springs and got what he was wishing for.

Oh, my God. Yeah. So check this out. the short starts out with him working on his couch trying to repair some springs when his wife tells his friends that he has to finish the job before he can go golfing with the boys.

So he gets frustrated and says the one thing you should never say in life. I don't want to see any more springs. Then the spring spirit shows up and grants him his wish and teach him a lesson. Listen to this club. Yeah. At least he's got a ticking clock

as good movie making. Yeah. Star Wars should have paid attention to this film. It's the Scrooge formula. Listen to this. Springs. I hope I never see another spring as long as I live. So, you never want to see another spring, eh?

What the hell? Okay, mister, I'll fix it so you get that wish. Who, who are you? The name's Coily. Coily the springs bite, they call me. I heard your wish and well, you're going to get it. No more springs for you from now on. Why does he talk like that?

He's just an asshole. He talks like an old prospector. Listen to this. No more springs, the world without springs. So he tries to shut his front door. Listen to what happens. Hey! The door! He tried to shut the door and that happened? He tried to shut the door, and without springs, there's no tension in the door.

The hinges won't work properly. You shut the door, and the door's just going to slam, and the window's going to break. Why doesn't he just slide some plywood in front of the hole of his house? Problem solved. No need for a spring. Well, he didn't think, he didn't realize the problem. You've got to think it through, buddy. He just go around slamming doors. It just goes on and he has a problem shedding his car door.

He has a problem sitting down. He can't even use the pedals. His gas pedals. He can't do anything. Listen to this. No springs. What an asshole. Oh, gee, Coily, I didn't realize what I was wishing.

I'm sorry for everything I said. Can't we call the whole thing off? Isn't there anything I can do? Nope. Please let me take back my wish. Well, okay. Be careful. Don't ever make that wish again.

Yeah. Learn your lesson, idiot. What a power-tripping asshole ghost. Yeah, coily. I love that guy. So this guy throughout the short, he tries to open his pocket watch. He couldn't. He tried to close the blinds.

He couldn't. He tried to dial the telephone. He couldn't shut the front door. He couldn't use the ignition in his car. Springs. The foot pedal in your car? Gas brakes, all springs. You can't do anything like a fucking idiot.

He wishes for springs back in his life near the end of the short, and then he becomes a spring evangelist. Oh. He goes, so then in the short, he goes golfing with his buddies, and he becomes an insufferable asshole. Can he golf without springs? No. So he could have just done what he wanted to do that day without springs,

except his wife made him do all this spring shit. Oh, you think. You think. He could have just gone golfing and had a good time. told Coily to go fuck himself. Yeah, well, I don't need springs to go golfing, you prick. Oh, you don't think so? No.

What do you think is the principle that makes the ball bounce? Gravity. No, that's actually not true. I don't know. No, it's a spring. A ball on a golf club or springs. No, they're not. It's a pro.

A golf ball used to be three plies, right? It was a solid core with rubber wound around it. That's not a spring. It's a spring effect. They're not made like that anymore. In 1940, closer, but it's not a spring. Like a baseball's not a spring. Oh, baseball's definitely not a spring.

No, no spring principles there. Wait, it's not a spleen effect, maybe. Are you saying sarcastically that it is a spring? Yes, of course they're springs. Of course they are. A baseball is not a spring. They all use the principle of springs to work. Without any elasticity in balls, sports wouldn't work.

Is there a solution elasticity then? Yeah, well, that's the property of springs. Yeah, but that's not like a, people didn't come up with that. A spring is a solution. Right. Elasticity. I don't know if that's a solution, really. If they made a baseball out of something like granite, which is also a spring, it's still compresses.

Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. You can still play with it. Everything's a spring then. Interruption, strike. Strike. I'm going to keep interrupting as long as stupid points are being made.

You're a stupid point, Sean. We're on board with your spring thing, but then you're saying that golf balls, everything's a spring? Yeah. Everything's a spring. Let's talk about cylinders. There's only, there's only basically one time in the universe where something has no elastic. plasticity to it, no spring quality. A black hole?

Almost. It's the, I think it's called the Chandereshkar limit, which is just, the singularity just before something becomes a black hole. That's when the atoms are so closely packed together that there is no more room between them, and they are just at the point right before a singularity. That's the only time in the universe, anything is not spring-like. Uh, yeah. All right, you took a real easy solution and made it real weird. Yeah. That's what I do. Like, is a shirt a spring?

Yes, of course. Everything's a spring. I mean, yes, of course. Of course. If I go to a list of springs on the internet, nowhere is a t-shirt going to show up. That's because people... Don't have corset.

People use springs a lot of times for manufacturing. You take for granted how much we use springs. Everything's a spring, essentially. The earth is a spring. It's one giant spring. Everything has an elastic property to it is spring-like. And just because a spring can be coiled, doesn't mean that's the only shape that springs come in.

So nature is the biggest solution in the universe. Okay. Yeah. What about my iPhone? Is that a spring? No, listen, hold on. Before we move on, so at the end of this short, he becomes a huge, a huge spring evangelist. You?

If you think poly evangelists are annoying, listen to this guy. He's playing golf with his buddies. You see, fellows, the scientific principle of a spring is to absorb energy and enjoy a reason. Yeah, he learned his lesson. What an asshole. Nice shot. Yes, it was. But if it wasn't for the amount of spring in the club shaft,

combined with the spring of the rubber inside the ball, that drive wouldn't have gone anywhere at all. True. And that's exactly what a spring is supposed to do. Yep. Transmit shot from one point to another. Yeah. Okay, but let's get on with the game.

Yeah, shut up about springs, Pop. You don't realize a number of springs that work for us every day. Uh-huh. Why, there's a little spring in your cigarette. Rett lighter, and the spring in your pencil clip and the huge springs that cushion the railroad trains. Yeah. Why, I could name thousands of everyday uses for strings.

Different than golf. Don't bother. No bother, yeah. Shut the fuck up about springs. Oh, man, you guys don't appreciate. Pompous asshole. Yeah. Actually, go to the hospital

because you clearly have some kind of schizophrenic delusion. No, he doesn't. He saw a ghost of springs. He needs to go to an insaneest. asylum immediately. He's check himself in for 5250 or whatever it's called. He's fixed. He has learned his lesson.

He's a reborn man. He has another chance at life. He's like the scrooge. The scrooge of springs. He saw the screen, the spring, uh, the spring ghost. Sprite. Is that what he called himself? A spring sprite? Yeah. Have you been visited by Coily?

No, the spring sprite. Have you been visited by Coily? No. All right. If you do or if you have, you need to get yourself checked out. you're having a psychotic episode. I'm not. I was, however, visiting physics. info

slash springs. Is a website also a spring? No, websites are not springs. Okay. But they do rely on hardware that relies on the principles of springs for them to work. Transistors rely on springs? Everything relies on. Everything has some amount of

elasticity to it. Look, they don't rely on it, though. Everything does. Listen, yeah, sir, well, I'll get to that point in a second. I just want to tell you this part. Okay. Because here's how a spring works, right? You have to think about how a spring works. Okay.

The guy who discovered this property about springs, his name is Robert Hook, right? And it's called Hook's Law. Now, I know what you're, the listener, is thinking, Uh, Madhawks. I'm mediocre and I don't do anything in life that requires springs. I can just sit on the ground. Well, guess what, shithead? Even the ground has some elasticity to it.

Hookslaw Springs applies to some extent to almost everything in the universe, like I said. Everything and everyone needs to give a little. Otherwise, you'd be a cold, hard bitch without springs. Yeah, so a spring transforms potential energy into kinetic energy, right? And what do capacitors and circuits do? They're not springs. Well, they use... Are you...

Are you Coily? Are you Coily the Spring Ghost? Do you dress up in like a powdered wig and make yourself blue and talk like that asshole? And break into people's houses and tell them about springs? Coily was animated. You know what? I would be able to break into a lot more houses without Springs. Everything except the dressing up is what he does.

Oh, he just talks about the springs? Like an asshole. Yeah. Yeah. I'm listening to a couple of assholes right now. I don't think anyone doubts that springs are important. Yeah. I don't think anyone needs springs explained to them how they work, either.

Yeah, you take it for granted. You just touch them and they go, boy, oh yeah, great. Idiot. You ever land safely in a plane thanks to Springs? Springs made you land safely. Everything that you order, your iPhone, you said, Oh, it's my Madhugs. Can my iPhone work without Springs?

No, I said, is it a spring? Well, it was shipped to the U.S. with a lot of manufacturing that relied on springs. The plane that landed that iPhone from that sweatshop in China, Boat. That landed on, that land with springs. Chinese labor, vote it up. Yeah. Made in China.

Do boats need springs? Bro, yeah, of course. Everything needs springs. Is water a spring? Yeah. Okay. Everything has some form of elasticity to it. Everything is a spring.

Almost. All right. Vote up diamonds. Diamonds don't have very much elasticity to them. So they're the least of springs? As a rule, the less elastic something is, the more of a problem it is. So I want everyone to go down the list of every problem we've brought into the show and think about how

elastic that problem is and if it's not elastic at all, vote it up. Huh. I'm putting that on the line. Okay. What, yeah, seriously. What do you want? It's just, uh, so you're saying like if something's like immovable, like it won't change, like, there's no give to it at all. Like, it's a big problem. Yeah. Well, I mean, Maddox.

You are the most stubborn. You're the least spring. Yeah, you are the least giving person on earth. I'm the most giving person. I, everything I do, My voice right now is charity to the listener. Right? At any price. I know you're paying for this, but this is charity at any price.

It's a value at any price. You're demonstrating the observation that you're immovable and intractable. And your principles don't budge. Look, I am... There's no flexibility in your opinions. No, I'm the one who brought in temperance, buddy. Moderation.

Again, you're demonstrating what he's saying. All right. I can't help, like you can't change someone's nature if I'm perfect. All right. So vote up Springs, that's my solution. Springs, biggest solution in the universe. What do you got? I've got, uh...

I mean, I can't say that this solution is as big because not everything in the universe is this. That sounds stupid already. What is it? It's television. Oh. What do you mean? Television.

Okay. You know, go on. Don't you like make money being... You're a television. You're a television host. You are a television. Yeah. Your Eastern European Game Show is a television.

All your web series is, that's a television. You're on, you're a TV personality. Dick, do you understand what a television actually is? Do you? I think you are confusing a show with the actual device. I'm sorry. I just heard someone explain to me that a rock is. a spring and you're telling me I don't understand television. I don't understand that a screen

that broadcast entertainment is basically television. Okay, no, that's what, that's what, okay, we're on the same page. You do understand what a TV is then. I don't think so. I think so now. I think so now. Now, now you've demonstrated that you do know what a television is. That a screen that broadcast entertainment is a television. Yes, yes. Yeah. Um, I don't know. I brought in a lot of stats, but a lot of them I don't really give a shit about. Here's what, here's, look, look, we're not Everyone shits on TV, right? Because everyone wants to pretend that they're this cultured intellectual that could be doing so much with their life if they weren't wasting it watching television. Right.

But let's be honest. Yeah. TV. TV is almost a tie with sex for how important it is in our lives. Netflix and chill? That's equating TV and sex. That's all we want to do, all any of us want to do is get home, crash out at the end of the day, watch something on television, or play some video games on television, or cruise the internet on a television, whether it's a television you hold in your hand, or a television that you sit

at, like a monster, like a troll, slowly becoming more hunchbacked and atrophying in front of your screen, or whether it's on the couch eating popcorn. He's looking at Randy the entire time he said this. Yeah. No, I, uh, so Netflix and Chills now equated to sex. that's a problem because the other day my friend asked me to watch his kid and I'm like yeah bring him over

we'll Netflix and chill and he uh... Oh you didn't know that was a sex thing? Maddox Yeah you really springed that one No That's a euphemism for sex Yeah no it's I agree

I agree it is a form It is one of the greatest forms of entertainment It's the way that it has democratized a lot of information It has brought a lot of information It's a new medium of communication, and I'm for it. I think it's a good solution.

It's a babysitter, right? Can you imagine trying to raise, trying to look after kids without a TV or several TVs? No. Be a fucking nightmare. Would it? I don't know. Well, I mean, you. I'm not a first-time parent, the no-time child expert.

Well, I mean, just imagine being with any person without a television. Also a nightmare. Well, you know, that's what, like, you, that's what you talk about. TV. I don't know. Do you remember these? You meet a new girl. Hey, what did you like?

Seinfeld? Tell me about your past. Like, did you like these TV shows? What kind of person are you? Tell me about the TV shows you like. Huh, hmm. That's a good one. Yeah.

That is, that's way better than asking about their dad. But I'll say this. Does your dad like? What kind of TV shows does your dad like? Is he a cold case guy or is he a Judge Judy guy? I mean, we know. It's a, what's that night cop? Night court.

Dad's watch night court. Remember night court? Sure, yeah. That's, no, that's what guys are going to be asking our daughters about. Did your dad? Our dads did not watch Nightcourt? Yeah. We did.

Yeah, I mean, that's hard for me to relate because my dad didn't ever watch anything. My dad doesn't watch shit, except for boxing. And that's about it. There you go. That says a lot about them. So, so the TV thing, I was at a party one time, Dick, and talking to a body mine, a colleague, somebody I respected. And the conversation of TV came up, and he kept mentioning show after show after

show and finally I said to him I don't watch a lot of TV and the second those words left my mouth I realized what a pretentious douchebag I sounded like so then I backtrack for a second I said nothing against TV if you watch your TV shows that's great that's fine sounds even worse nothing against you whatever stupid thing you do

I just personally consider myself above it no I said I said to him I like TV there are a lot of TV I like and I would like to watch more TV shows. I just haven't had the time lately to do it. And it's not that I'm whiling my time away, just reading books or whatever. Actually, I just work most of the time. I just don't watch anything. On a TV?

No, what do you mean? Your computer monitor. That's a TV. That is not a TV. What are they going to do? Have like a Braille light bright up there for you to touch while you're doing all your computing? That's a TV, man. Yeah, I don't know, because I do have my TV hooked up

to my computer, so sometimes I do use my TV, my actual TV as my computer monitor. Your computer monitor is a TV, that's what I'm saying. Yeah, I see what you're saying. It's not what most people, you know, in the same way, well, in the same way that you think of, you don't think of a rock as being a spring, I don't think of a monitor as being a TV. Well, I was going to ask, would you consider your TV monitor closer to a television or to a spring? Like, which one is it more?

Or a rock. Yeah, I would say a television. You would say it's closer to a television this spring. Of course. Okay, I win. I'm not a fool. I'm not a fool. I'm not a fool.

That's a win for me. That wasn't even a thing. TV's also... What? Taking off a strike. Oh, you're taking off a strike. Oh, yeah, you're down at six. Um, a teacher.

It's a therapist. A TV is also a therapist. Uh, I have a study on that. How, how... You mean if somebody watches like a self-help documentary? No, no, no. It's called the social surrogacy hypothesis. What's a hell.

Yeah, yeah. This is... You know, this is just one of these studies, but I thought it was interesting. When an event happens like a fight or an argument or something with your personal relationship, watching a favorite TV show that you're familiar with, like just like kind of watching a show that you already know about, said it released feelings of stress in people and reduced long-term effects of, like, lowered self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy.

I don't know, man, this is what this study says. And feelings of depression and loneliness. I buy that actually because I remember, you know, the theme song to Cheers, where you want to go where everybody knows your name, it's a comfortable feeling, right? So they were trying to set up that show, especially the intro to it, as here you are, spending some time with your friends in this comfortable, familiar place. And any time I saw that Cheers set, which is the bar, for anyone who hasn't seen Cheers, because it hasn't been on the air for a few years, it was a sitcom set up in a bar

with the same few characters always hanging out of the bar, just chatting it up like buddies. And any time you saw that set, it just gave you a warm, comfortable feeling that you were there with your friends. I get that. You might... But also, isn't that really depressing

to think about that you feel a sense of friendship when you watch inanimate... I mean, they're animated, literally, but people who can't interact with you, you're like looking at moving pictures. Yeah, it's very depressing, but it works. Yeah.

So, fuck it. Great solution. But isn't too much TV also a problem, Dick? Now, here's why I'm thinking. I don't think there's ever been a study that's attempted to show that. Oh, really? Another well-researched problem by Dick Masterson. Yeah, no doubt.

So here's how, here's my honest opinion on TV. I am ambivalent towards it. Because I see the benefits of TV and I see the drawbacks of TV. And I would say up to about the 70s, there were more benefits to TV than drawbacks. And after about the 70s, there's been more drawbacks, I think. Like what? Reality television. Well, by communicating a lower standard of human,

a lower standard of Americans, of American conduct by seeing things like, I think the tipping point was Paris Hilton. When Paris Hilton's sex tape became a thing and TMZ started to become a thing, and after the OJ Simpson trial, TV transformed into something that was almost like a spectacle. People, when TV first started out in the 1930s and 40s,

it was very expensive to... 50s, I think. No, TV was invented in like 1929 or something like that, right? The 50s was when Americans started to get it in their homes. Right, okay. But I'm talking about, even in films and things like that, in the 1940s and 50s, when people were first creating films and TV shows, it was very expensive.

It was cost prohibitive to make TV shows and movies. So they spent a lot of time and energy into, to making sure those scripts and those screenplays were the best they could possibly be. And those actors from the 40s and 50s, the best of the best, man, best sound design, best editing, great acting, they took their job seriously.

Yeah, that's totally false. No, what are you talking about? No, no, no, no. If you go... Wait, wait, wait, wait, no one can hear you, Randy. You can't weigh in unless you're on a mic. Randy's saying that that's false. Give yourself a strike, fuckhead.

Yeah, you can't say you're not going to talk and then talk off the mic. You want to talk? Do you want to debate that? Candy, Randy. I think you should debate it because it's interesting. I agree with you, but I don't have the authority to say whether that's right or wrong. You don't have an argument for that.

Well, here's, because the screenplays, go back and watch some movies, some of the best movies from the 40s and 50s. Like, they did spend a lot more time on those screenplays because they had, it was very expensive. They had to shoot things and get it done basically in one take. They didn't really have this blooper reel. That's not true either. What are talking about? Charlie Chaplin was known to do a hundred takes of the same scene. Yeah, but he's a comedian.

Those were some of the biggest movies there. But he was a comedian, and that's what he does. He just does a bunch of pratfalls, like a jackass. Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute. You're writing Charlie Chaplin off as just a comedian? No. As a satirist, that's your position on Charlie Chaplin, the creator of the dictator?

He was a good satirist. But using a comedian as like a gold standard of quality, for film is not, that's why to this day, Oscars still don't consider a comedy as part of their... Sure they do, they've been nominated. Finally, right? Yeah. Yeah. Didn't Shawshank Redemption

win an Oscar? That was hilarious. No, I think you're emphasizing this era. I could go back, I could go back and give you stories about how it's always been about money and it's never been any different and it's completely false to think that it was never about that. Let's go, let's go on that.

No, no, no, no, no. It's, Sean, because this is my solution, television, not film, not romanticizing Golden Age of Cinema.

Well, but still, they put a lot of films on TV, and here's the thing. Elvis Presley, we lost a lot of his recordings. So films are a TV,

you're saying. All right. All right. Okay. Go ahead. Elvis, Elvis Presley, we lost a lot of his recordings because the studios at the time,

the tape that we recorded on was so expensive that they thought they would be more valuable to re-record over those tapes rather than preserving Elvis Presley's record. That's true. The Beatles as well.

EMI's policy was to record right over that, so they'd print the masters and then all the multi-tracks, a lot of them would be destroyed. Right, Sean. But they didn't understand the historical significance of the time to be fair. Of course, of course. But you've had a lot of notes that I'm sure you've just discarded. No, I have a big pile of them right behind me. Right here.

They're all right here. Every note I've ever used for the show. Just like the movie seven. With the original Star Wars action figures, too. I have all my notes from high school, from junior high, from college. for the most part, I keep all my notes. They're important. But that speaks the fact that they would record over these great artists

because they saw that that tape is so expensive. That speaks to how much time and energy they had to put into older media. Yeah, they made some crap, of course. But the movies that made it to the big screen, the highest grossing movie of all time is still gone with the wind. Still. Have you watched it? No, it's boring as shit.

But gone with the wind. QED You know, but Gone with the Wind is an efficient movie It's efficient storytelling It's well acted It's well performed It has good music

Yeah, but it's the people who like it Right Dude, you sound like a vinyl file Like you sound like someone extolling the merits Of a dead technology That has no application In the modern world

solely for the purpose solely for the reason that it's old Like it's a boring movie It doesn't, it's not good Just because it's old Doesn't make these things true There's not objective good or bad. You can just look and see how well a movie performed.

Gone with the Wind, blew Star Wars out of the water over its opening weeks and months, even though it was in far fewer screens, something like 50 screens or 100 screens or something like that. People kept going over and over and over to see Gone with the Wind. Because there's nothing else. Well, it's not just nothing else, because even in the 70s and 80s when there were other films,

even after the original Star Wars movies came out, Gone with the Wind, still blew them out of the water. Well, how many, what was, was the Ridiculous Six, Adam Sandler's new movie, blew out all of Netflix's other launches. Does that make it the best movie on Netflix? No, no, you're missing the point. The point is, the point I was trying to make here

is that before the 70s, I feel like people treated movie and film with a lot more thought. Like today, creating moving pictures on Vine takes a second. And everyone just sits there and recording, if they don't like it, they just re-recorded. It costs nothing, except a little bit of your time. There is no cost to entry. So people who are producing content today,

look at the average video on YouTube and compare that. I can't. They're awful. Exactly, exactly my point. And compare that to the average movie that came out before the advent of new technology. That's why I'm saying... My point is that before the 70s, I feel like content was different.

And then after the 70s, we have this new era of reality TV, cheaply produced content, and anyone can do anything. And I feel like it's brought down the entire medium. Well, I do agree with you on a lot of those where the attention to the craft for each section of a production. And I grew up kind of in the movie industry, you know, dealing with the marketing and stuff for the various studios.

You were that kid and kindergarten cop, weren't you? Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina. Yes, that was my big moment. It was because, like you said, technology was limiting. So they did have to think pretty creatively, and it was expensive to use. You know, the people who wrote the arrangements for the old records. You know, it was back in the day with music, it was a bunch of guys standing around a mic. If you listen to some of those old bluegrass recordings, the way you turned yourself up or down in the mix was literally to step closer to the mic.

Everything seems like it was a little bit more dedicated to the craft because you just, you couldn't fly in the second and third chorus because you did it perfectly the first time. That's, yeah, that was the point I was trying to make is that. I understand that. Is that before there's been a golden age of television. I think we're way past that. I think we're in the era of the death of television, where we're seeing the death nails. And television is largely transitioning into online and new media.

That's not necessarily a bad thing. It's just different. I think you guys are romanticizing this. I think you have like this elitist craftsman mentality towards these art forms. So you're romanticizing these old periods. But I understand what you're saying. I think this is all just subjective anyway.

What's not subjective is that you can't have video games without TV. True. Orsprime. $115 million TV sets in the U.S. More than half of homes in the U.S. have three TVs or more. The entire Internet. Internet's a big solution, right?

Maybe someday we'll bring it in. 64% of the Internet was dedicated to video last year. By 2019, Cisco says it will be 80%. 80% of the traffic on the Internet. That's a huge majority of the Internet that's dedicated to television. People need it.

It's a big solution. So the problem with that statistic is that it is measuring the amount of bandwidth rather than the amount of time. If you measured the amount of time, I think it would still be high and it would still probably be a majority. Probably. I don't know. I got the time. Yeah. Adults watched more than 33 hours of TV a week. Hmm.

And that time increases the older we get. Do you think that's a good thing, Dick? I don't, you know me. I don't really believe in. good and bad in those types of things. I do know you. It's something people do, so it must be important. I can imagine a, you know, the Oculus Rift, for example, that's just more TV. Like, it boils down to getting a personalized TV experience, like a fantasy, an escapist fantasy that's catered directly to you. Like, that's what we're getting with TV right now. It's just,

now I get it on demand. It's more, it's more specific to me. I can watch math. I can watch Mad Men on Loop over and over and over because it's like, oh yeah, this is more, I can project myself even more into this. I don't have to sit through reruns of other shit. Dick, you've made a lot of good points today. That wasn't one of them. Which one?

The T, that Oculus Rift is like a TV for another. Oculus Rift, when it gets fully realized and we have tactile feedback and we can smell and taste things and touch things just like we would in real life, it will be basically indistinguishable from real life. It's still a fantasy. It's still an escapist fantasy that caters to you.

If you, I mean, here's the thing, Dick. What I think you're missing with Oculus Rift is you can do homework. You can go to Paris. You can do operations and surgery. You can do anything you can do in real life inside Oculus Rift. So if you have those experiences, those cognitive learning experiences, how is that materially different than sitting in a classroom and learning? I mean, no one's arguing that point. Okay, but that's not a fantasy.

That's just something that happens. You can also watch that on television. Like there are learning programs that you can watch. Oculus Rift is just better because it's more interactive. No, that's true. You can watch TV inside the Oculus Rift though. Oh, I know. I know your opinion.

How about this? Here also, without television, the average American child will see 200,000 violent acts of murder on TV by the age of 18. Wow. That's great. Where else are they going to see all this murder and violence? I think there should be more violence. Two-thirds of all programming contains violence.

You know how hard? Like, let's go back to the 1800s. A kid might see, you know, four or five murders before the time they're 18. Now, they see 200,000. Yeah, that's a great. That's a huge amount. And the type of violence, too, is different.

Gratuitous. Yeah, gratuitous. The best kind of violence. Yeah. The best kind of violence and nudity. Also, TV does make it easier to see nudity. That's pretty cool. Bingo.

Yeah. I mean, that's a huge. thing. With every new medium, right, how quickly can people use it to look at porn? That's what's, that's what drove the explosive growth of Snapchat and now all I get is horses and dogs. VHS too. VHS, porn? Oh, that's right, yeah. That's true. VHS was a hugely popular format because there was way back in the 80s, some of the people listening might not even remember this, but there was a huge, fierce battle of technology between VHS and Betamax. And VHS was the one that authorized pornography on its medium, on its format,

and Betamax didn't, and VHS took off. All right, I got a bunch of other stats, but it's just getting a little long. TV's great solution voted up. Good. I like TV. Oh, safe sex. It encourages safe sex. How so?

Well, how many parents are honestly sitting their little girls down and saying, hey, you know, get a guy to wear a condom? That's like a homeschool for safe sex, right? You don't believe in homeschool. No. So what's a parent going to do? But these teenagers see all this talk about safe sex on TV. all day and encourages them to use condoms.

Huh, you know, there's a study about it, but, you know, they just say what I said, except it's called the study. Do you remember those PSAs where a girl would get on and, oh, well, first it was a guy and he goes, talking about condoms, he goes, oh, what if, what if someone sees you buy and want? Yeah, it's embarrassing. Yeah. And it's like, no, it isn't. It means I'm going to get laid.

No, it's still embarrassing. No, wait, man. It's not embarrassing. I used to, when I was a fucking. pud, right? And when I was like 16 and buying condoms for the first time or whatever, I look, I'm sitting there in the cash register, the cash line,

right? Kind of nervous and waiting. And then after I got laid, I'm like, oh, all right, now I put my condoms down, I slap them down in a big teetering pile and I make a direct eye contact with them. Like, yeah. Look at this. What year was that? Right next to his package of rubber bands. Yeah. What does it mean, Sean?

Fucking ass. Oh my God. That's not funny. I don't even know what that mean. What are you saying? Do you really not know what he means? You know, that I need to keep them on with rubber bands? You're an ass. They have rubber bands built in.

There's a guy who's never used a content before in his life. He's never gotten late. But he's saying springs are a solution. Yeah. I'm so conflicted. I don't know what to do. Vote up springs. TV makes you more generous.

Makes people more generous because they see how the shitty other parts of the world are. Could be. Lower stress. No, it's not. These are study. Yeah. These are studies.

This is your Bible I'm bringing in. Yeah, no. Of course, of course, Dick. All right. TV, I think, has a lot of pros and a lot of cons. I think that, again, I'm ambivalent. I literally ambivalent. I don't have a strong opinion for or against TV.

I see it's benefits and I see it's drawbacks. How's our strikes going, Randy? We each have one. We each have one. What did I get one for? For pissing me off at the beginning. Oh, for pissing you off at the beginning? Guys, speaking, speaking.

Guys, I got a real. big solution for you, all right? I know springs is a big solution, probably the biggest. Everything in the universe is a spring. Is this a subset of a spring? I mean, everything is. Everything is. Floss. Floss? Yeah. Floss is a huge

solution, buddy. Fuck floss. Fuck floss. Fuck floss. Yeah. How dare you fuck floss? It's a scam. Floss isn't a scam, shithead. Flo, let me tell. Go ahead. What? Good. Like rubbing some yarn in between your teeth is cleaning your fucking fucking teeth, get out of here.

It's a scam. No. You're a scam. I can't think of anything more simple that can have as profound an impact on your life as flossing. Without flossing, we'd all be walking around like a bunch of reeking assholes with rotting gums. You dick.

Yeah, I don't floss. Dick, think of the hottest person you can imagine. All right? Okay. Right? Sean, think of the hottest person you can imagine. The hottest chick you've ever seen. Oh, a chick. Now, now imagine her with green, rotting teeth and a mouth that like baby diarrhea.

Not so hot, right? Huh? Because that's how everyone looked before 1815. There were no hot people before the invention of floss because everyone's teeth looked like shit. Think about that. Floss is responsible for the invention of hot people. Mm-hmm. No hot people.

Look at any old portrait or painting of anyone from the Renaissance. They all have their mouths closed. You know why? Because they're embarrassed, as they should be. Their teeth are rotting. Their gums smell. They reek. They look like mush-mouth asshole.

Uh, really? Floss does all that? Not brushing your teeth? No, man. So here's the thing. I don't floss, though. Yeah, well... My teeth aren't green or falling out. You got all sorts of, you had a fucking jaw surgery. I can't even floss. I got a big metal bar behind the back of my teeth. Yeah, you're a special case. You're very special. But... Cool.

I'm floss man. I used to not floss, and that changed in my early to mid-20s. And because my parents never taught me the importance of flossing. I heard doctors always say, or excuse me, dentists always told me, hey man, you should floss. Don't forget to floss, floss, floss twice a day. Fuck you. And I got that... You floss.

I got that stupid piece of string and I put it in my mouth. I'm like, this is dumb. I can only reach the front teeth of my mouth and then I can't do anything in the back. Okay, fuck it. And I got constant cavities. I kept getting cavities all

my life growing up. Every time I went to the dentist, I had like four or five cavities. I'm like, what the fuck is going on in my mouth? What, what's the problem here? And then, the advent, something changed my life. It's the floss toothpick. The floss swords. Have you seen those?

Yeah, some chick turned me onto those. Oh my God. I used it for like a day. Yeah. No, they're incredible, man. That changed my life. They get everywhere you need to get inside your mouth with floss. They're way better than that stupid string that you just put through your mouth. But even then, that string is better than nothing.

I still think it's a scam. No, man. I think cavities are genetic. No, they're not. Because some people don't even brush their teeth and they don't. Like, do dogs get cavities? They don't floss. Dogs use chew toys and that's, that for them is like their oral care a lot of times.

And sometimes dogs who don't chew enough or sometimes dogs who eat the wrong diet actually do get cavities. They do, of course. What about horses? They don't have chew toys. Horses are fucking idiots and they should be turned into glue. According to Oral B, a dentist created floss in 1815 in New Orleans, and the idea caught on in 1882. when a company in Massachusetts began making unwaxed silk dental floss. It's according to Oralb.com, so we're a floss.

This is surprising coming from you. Yeah, in the 40s, people started using nylon, and today we even use Gortex for floss. They put Gortex in that shit. Not me. Flossing has saved me thousands of dollars, and I wish someone had told me earlier in life how important it was. I rarely get cavities anymore because of flossing.

The breakthrough product for me was what are those little swords. and man, I'm telling you, Dick, I literally have saved thousands of dollars. I haven't had a cavity in years since I started flossing regularly. And every time I meet someone who has bad breath, like really bad breath, I know it's because they have rotting food

stuck between their teeth. Really? Yeah. I have a theory. I have a theory that because of Listerine commercials, people flossed less. Because I was talking to,

a long time ago, there was a commercial in the 80s where, excuse me, in the early and mid-90s, there was a commercial, a listering commercial where it showed this CGI animation of the listerine going inside your mouth, swishing around your teeth,

and then all the bacteria in your mouth was slowly shrinking and dying. Yeah, that's cool. And it left a squeaky clean mouth. And for a long time, I thought that's all I needed to do is use mouthwash, because just like that animation,

it would just swish inside my mouth and go between my teeth. Here's the thing. That mouthwash and your toothbrush can't get between your teeth if you have food lodged in there. Can't you, like, feel it, though? The food?

Like, what do you got lodged in there? Like, a sandwich? Start flossing, and you'll find out. Every time I think my teeth are clean. Chicken wings are coming off on it. I can't, though. I got a big metal bar in my fucking teeth. Well, of course, you're a different, dick.

But, like, most people... I'm cursed. Yeah. Most people, if they don't floss, they get food in their teeth, especially if you eat any kind of bread, meat. Sometimes the meat is meat.

is muscle, and muscle is fibrous. Muscle has that stringy texture to it. They get stuck inside your teeth. Springy texture, you might say. Yeah, vote up springs. If you like steak? I think, did you ever have braces? No.

Okay, I think that's probably why we don't see eye to eye on this one, because my dad didn't have braces either, obviously, because he's much older than us. But he always, he always hits a toothpick or floss after we eat, and he's always said to me, that it's because he didn't have braces, so his teeth aren't, like, perfectly touching, like ours, like mine are,

so he gets a lot more stuff in between his teeth. Yeah. Because I don't have this phenomenon of pulling, like, going, pulling things out of my teeth, like a buffet. Even when I have floss, it's like, okay, now my gums are just bleeding. Like, I didn't pull out a roast beef sandwich. You know, it's funny you mentioned you're bleeding gums,

because dentists always know when you're lying, whether or not you floss, because they'll ask you that as kind of a truth test to see how honest you are, right? They'll say, hey, you flossing regularly? No. Oh, I just turn it right back on them. Absolutely not. I don't ever floss.

A long time ago, I said yes when I hadn't. I thought I did. I thought regularly meant like once a month. And so she started flossing my teeth and just gushing blood. Oh, my gosh. I had a mouthful of blood. It looked like I got punched in the face with a bowling ball. and that's when I realize

you can never lie to a dentist when it comes to flossing. They know, they know. They can just take a look at your gums. My gums are healthier now. My teeth are healthier. I have fewer cavities. In fact, like I said,

I haven't had cavity in years. I've saved thousands of dollars by flossing. How much were you paying for all these cavities? Oh, my gosh. Always, it's always something. And if you don't take care of the cavity, sometimes it can get infected. You can get nabstis.

Then you have to take antibiotics. They have to sometimes root it out. You get a root canal. You could get a gold tooth, though. That'd be cool. Yeah. Floss. I think those cleanings are a scam, too. I was going to bring in flossing as a problem.

You think floss shaming because it's bullshit. It's like, don't ask. You know I don't floss. Why do you ask? Why do you ask this question every time I come in here? Maybe because you have reaky breath, Dick. Yeah, but they ask everyone. Nobody flosses. No, nobody asks everyone. The only time I ever hear that conversation come up is with people's smelly breath. No, the dentist. Oh, the dentist?

You just said, yes. The dentist always says, are you flossing? And you always, like, no, no. Who, whoever fucking, why do you ask? You know the answer is no. Well, you know. No, so people floss. I floss now.

And what pissed me off, Dick, is I knew this girl growing up who had just the most perfect fucking teeth. Never get any cavities. You never get any cavities. Like, fuck you. I get tons of cavities. Come world, live in my world of pain where the novocaine doesn't work and I have to just sit there suffering because I'm experimenting with pain, right?

last time I said, paint, you can learn something from paint? Yeah, just like, no, that's what Manson said. You said a longer version. Essentially, it is the same thing. You're right. I think you can, though. I think you can't.

But here's the thing. Flossing can save you money, can save you pain, can save you embarrassment. All right. You don't want to make out with a chick with bad teeth? Or a dude, I don't know. No, you're right. I don't want to make out with either. Yeah.

Flossing spares you, bad breath, and bad teeth. No. That's what you want to do. Big solution. Voted up. Flossing and Springs. Here's, uh, my solution is less gross. Yeah, okay. What do you got? Right on red. Right on red. Right on red.

Hmm. Bro, imagine a world with no right on red. Yeah, that's pretty bad. That's almost as bad as left turns. Imagine a world. Well, that's another good one. We should have left on red. Left on red, right on red. Just keep going during reds. Straight on red. Yeah, straight on red. Why don't we have that?

No, I know. This is a big problem. Randy's got another card. Is this a secret card, or do you want to read this one? No, I don't know. Oh. Yeah. Do you want to read the card? No, no, go ahead.

What? Give him another strike someone. Oh, my God. Randy, this isn't professional wrestling. I'm giving you a strike, Randy. Yeah, you get a strike. You're all that in a lot of it. Okay, so you were saying, so right on red is a big solution.

Why? You know why. I know why. I'm not, that's a rhetorical question for the listener, Dick. I know why. Does any listener need, it explained why right on red is a big solution? Yes, the listeners in the UK especially because they don't have this problem. They have roundabouts.

Or they can make a left on red. In the UK you can? Oh, I guess, yeah. Well, I mean, yeah. Yeah. It's the same thing. It's the mirror problem of it. But in the UK, for the large, most of Europe has roundabouts.

So this is mostly an American problem. You can make a left on a one-way street here. Yeah. Yeah, you can. That's true. Yeah. Yeah. In big cities. It's only been a solution as of recently, too. Right on red are permitted in many regions of North America while Western states have a lot of more than 50 years. 50 years. Eastern states amended their traffic laws who allowed it in 1970 as a fuel saving measure because people were stopping and wasting all their fuel. Oh, that's a good point. This could save millions of dollars every year if more people fucking did it. Yeah, because you don't have to slow down as much. Man, I hate so much when people don't turn right on red. So for those who don't know, you are allowed, as Dick just said, in a lot of states in the U.S., some states you're still not, but you're allowed to turn right when the...

All 50 states have allowed the right to turn red since 178. Really? Then why the fuck are people doing it more? Because they're stupid. That drives me nuts. Here I am trying to drive like a samurai, and then all these chumps, these knuckleheads are sitting there at red lights just waiting, spending their... life's and I honk. I always honk, that's when I honk dick, when someone's not turning right on red. Yeah, that's okay. I'm behind that one.

Yeah. Um, because it's not punitive. Right turns, the few exceptions are New York City, where right turns on red are prohibited unless a sign indicates otherwise. Huh. Hmm. New York City doesn't allow right on red. That sucks.

I've been, I remember one time I was in, uh, in Utah in the small town and I was waiting behind this guy in an intersection. It was a three-way intersection, right? So I was at the T part, and I was waiting for him to turn right on red, and he wouldn't. And I honked my horn, and he still didn't turn. So I honked again, and he still didn't turn. Now he laid on my fucking horn. And finally, the guy gets out of his car, and he walks over to me, knocks on my window, I'm like, what? And he points to the sign that says, no right turns on red. And I'm like, oh. No, that's still his fault.

What is a sign? You listen to every sign you see. Get the fuck back in your car and make the right. Well, he couldn't because I put my car in a drive and pushed it off into traffic. Turn right. Went home. Good job. Fuck that guy.

Let's see. As of 1992, right on red is governed federally. I don't know how I feel about that. What do you mean it's governed federally? As in the law to turn right or... Yeah, that it's okay to go right on red. Careful. Yeah.

Uh-huh. You think that's too much regulation, Dick? I want to see how close I can get to that. Strike. You got it. You just got a strike. Why, how are you going to strike? No one's calling it from me.

Oh, great. Randy, that's not a strike, too? That's not a strike. I just gave you a strike. In Mexico, right turns on red are generally prohibited unless the sign indicates otherwise. Mexico. Yeah.

That's probably why. They want to get out, so many people want to get out of there. There are no driving laws there that are adhered to. Right? That's what I thought, too. No, you guys are idiots. Of course they have laws. Of course they're not adhered to in any way.

Of course they are. When's the last time you went to Mexico, Sean? Like three years ago? Yeah, well, I went there, I went there recently, and you can just, you can, they have stop signs and people follow them. I'm sure so much has changed in three years. Yeah. Alto.

Okay. It's a free for all. Yeah, they have no few mar signs. They're out most of Canada. A driver man. turn right at a red light after coming to a complete stop. We could change more laws to be more right on red. That's what I'm saying.

That's why this is a good solution. Man, let's put some thought into these driving laws and get some more right on reds going. I am 100. Left on red, straight on red, roll through the stop sign if there's no people there, right? I am 100% on board with this. And yeah, especially rolling through stop signs at 3 a.m. 4 a.m., who gives a shit? Some fucking chicken shit cop just sitting there waiting for. you

waiting to bust you. Yeah, waiting to bust your ass. I got a ticket one time for rolling through a stop, like allegedly

rolling through a stop because the cop knows that I'm not going to waste a day of my life going down to a courthouse three months later setting it on my calendar, missing a day of work,

a full day of income, a full day of work so I can go fight this fucking bullshit-ass ticket for allegedly rolling through a stop sign. Which, by the way, I don't even understand

the concept of stopping. Like, what does stopping mean? Because if at any amount of time, like take any interval right? A rolling stop sign is a stop because if you think about it, you take any infinitesimal slice of time. Like a planks unit of time? Say one second, like a tenth of a second.

Okay. For a tenth of a second, if you're rolling through a stop sign at about three miles per hour, and you look at that little sliver of time, a tenth of a second, because it's not defined how long you have to stop at a stop sign in the law books. Yeah. So any amount of time, would that count? A tenth of a second? Yeah, but you'd probably still be moving if you weren't coming to a stop. Moving is defined as the difference in distance between two time intervals. 10th of a second, you'd be moving? Yeah, but you're also moving on a molecular level. Like,

how much are you actually moving? If you take an infinitesimal slice of time, you're always stopped. I think it's good that you didn't go to court to defend this. I think I would have won. That's not going to know. Yep. The judge would have been impressed me. The bailiff would have blown me. Oh. Yeah. Big sloppy mess. Bull from night court. Giving you a sloppy BJ.

Hey. BJ is a BJ. Raise the speed limit by 10 miles an hour. How about that one? We're better at driving now. We're better. We're faster. Yeah.

We got a lot of video games and things to do. We get that, bump that speed limit up. It's our dad's speed limit. We don't need that speed limit. I just don't understand it because you have a problem with me honking in traffic. It's annoying. You have a problem with me yelling at drivers and driving

aggressively. What was your problem you brought in? You were a road rage? Yeah, road rage is your problem. But I have it a lot of times because drivers aren't driving efficiently. They're not following the rules of traffic, the spirit of traffic, you know? Turn right, unred.

Pull over if you're driving like a slow asshole. If you don't have shit to do, if you're not in a hurry, stay home. Just stay home. Where are you going? that you're not in a hurry. Oh yeah, I don't know. Go to hell.

How about that? Eat shit. Stay there. Just stay home. That's my solution, right on red. I think it's a good solution. I think that's probably one of my favorite solutions you brought in. Yeah?

Yeah. I don't know if it's nuclear power or springs, but it's a good solution. Right on red is not springs. But... Finally, we found something that's not a spring. Things that are abstract, concepts are not springs, I would say, except for the concept of a spring. That's a spring.

Okay. That's all I got. You got a voicemail, Dick? Yeah. Fucking Maddox, man. The first solution episode, he says that we can't have nuclear power plants on cargo ships, because what if terrorists come and, like, hijack the ship and shit? Then on the very next episode, he says that we need to start building schools in the Middle East,

like hundreds and hundreds of schools in the Middle East as if they're not going to be hijacked by terrorist organizations. I don't know. It seems a little retarded. That's true, Maddox. That's true. Hijacking education is a lot more dangerous

than hijacking a nuclear power plant. They might crash some schools into the World Trade Center. They're going to educate young minds. They're going to drive those schools right into buildings, the side of U.S. warships. Oh, no. I got one from weird Mazie McKana as well. Here's the biggest solution guys

Headphones that don't fuck themselves into a tangle Every time you put them into your pocket I don't know why every time I go to pull my headphones out of my pocket I have spent my five months Five minutes detangling these fucks Yeah Work on that shit I'm fat out Maddox

Weird Matthew McConaughey Now, let me get this straight. I want to understand his psychology here. Does he think that we are actually solving these problems, too? Like, he brings us a problem that he is having a personal problem. Hey, my headphone is too tangled. Can you guys untangle it for me? No, that's a great solution.

A headphone that doesn't get all tangled up when you put it in your pocket. Well, yeah, but that doesn't exist. That's why it would be a great solution. Yeah, you know what else would be a great solution? Jet Packs or, you know, blenders. that just make food for you automatically. Or time machines. These are all good solutions.

That's the point. No, a good solution is something that exists. I'm going to go out on a limb, and I'm going to say a good solution is something that exists. For the most part, there are some hypotheticals that are possible, but how would you even create that?

Actually, they have that, no. They have that, though. They have that. So then it's a solution because it exists. Jesus Christ, Matt. It's great. Give your story straight. All right, vote up weird Matthew McConaughey.

They have hoses that don't tangle now. There's inflatable ones? Yeah, they suck. Why? They burst, because they can't take the pressure. Oh, huh. Hmm. I've heard that before.

Is that a dick thing, Randy? Nope, nope. Is that a crotch reference? It's not. Sounded like it. It could be, but it's not. So what, did anyone strike out? All right, good.

All right. Guys, my solutions were floss and Springs, Springs, big solution. My solutions are television and right on red. Right, all right. Good solutions. Thanks for listening. Thanks for supporting the show. See you next month.