The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Bonus Episode 18

Episode Date: June 29, 2018

Welcome to the biggest solution in the universe, the show where we discuss every solution in the universe, from cool corvettes to winning bets. With over 5 million downloads, this is the only show where you decide what should or shouldn't be on the big list of solutions. I'm Maddox with me as Dick. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. And Sean, our audio engineer. Hello. Welcome back, gentlemen. Welcome back to the special content.

The exclusive content, which only you can hear. Right. How exciting. Premium content. Premium content. VIP. This is the DIRVILD. For the low, low price of...

$1.33. We can say all the words on this show. We can say every single word. There's not a single... I really doubt that. Because I went through six words in my head that I want to say. I'm like, nope, nope, nope, nope, never mind. Yeah, just scream it into a pillow.

That's what we do after every episode, too. We just put pillows up to our face and just scream all the words we couldn't say. No, you can't even do that in my apartment. It's against the rules. Speaking of winning bets Do you want to get right into Oh let's hear about the solutions first Okay yeah let's get through these solutions real quick

Well you know you know what Because then we can get into comments and stuff After the we talk about Because when I talk about the solutions We always do solutions We always do solutions We get it the bet later Okay well here we go

The biggest solution in the universe From last month was pragmatism Yay Yeah being practical What a practical solution Huh uh huh It's followed by homeless housing Putting garbage in your freezer.

Yeah. Yeah. Very practical. I thought of so many more examples after the show of times that I'm practical or pragmatic. I hope you did. I'm totally blanking on all of them right now. That's the worst thing with this show. I was listening to it.

I'm like laughing because the two examples you brought in are not throwing clothes in the garbage and putting garbage in your freezer. Like, well, I know that you do more pragmatic things than that, but that was just really the only thing you could do. The only thing off the top of my head, I have so many examples. And again, of course, I'm blinking. You ride your bike a lot. I do ride your bike.

That's very practical, very pragmatic. You use space efficiently. Yeah. In your home. Don't I? Yes, you've got the cheapest plastic shelving all over your walls to run your house like a stock room. It's very pragmatic. He's got computers laying in the middle of the fucking floor.

It's not a good use of space. That's a great use of space, Sean. What am I supposed to put a giant clunky desk? Buddy, buddy, you're opening a can of worms because I'm going to bring in tables one of these days. You don't use a desk. I don't use a desk. Yeah, tell us about that.

That's pragmatic. Yeah, it's very pragmatic. Because here's the thing. A desk is a waste of space. It's something that you put down and then forever, anyone who comes into your house, that area of your house is occupied by that desk. And even when you're not using it, it's still there.

Still there. And what is a desk but just an elevated floor? Perfect. I cannot argue with that logic. Way better. than garbage in the freezer. I'm going to bring in tables one of these days.

So you have two monitor speakers, like two speaker stands, holding up your monitors, and then you just sit there in a captain's chair with your keyboard in your lap. Yes. Very pragmatic. Right. I'm going to actually

bring this in as a problem one of these days, the tables. I hate tables and desks. Anyway, moving on. Followed by, pragmatism was followed by homeless housing. That was a solution. and then online tracking and then advertising, which, Dick.

Negatives? Yeah, advertising was in the negatives. People thought it was a problem. That's too bad. That drives our regular show advertising. I mean, it pays for Sean. It pays for our transcriptions. It pays for art.

I don't think we're making money on the regular show anymore because we have so many expenses that go into making the, Let's fire everyone. Randy. Starting with Randy, handy, handy, Randy. Me, next. Then Lori. Yeah.

Then Lori, then Megan. Then who else? And then all the transcribers. And then me, I'll fire myself. Sean, your last. I'm the last one. Sean, you turn off the switch and walk out. Talk the lights on the way out.

Exactly. We'll give you Harry's number. You can talk to them and tell them where to send the checks. Great. All right, guys. So, Dick, you're online tracking, your pizza tracking thing. Now, remember. That wasn't the last month?

Wasn't it? No, no. It says online tracking right here. Oh, it was? Oh, okay. Sorry, my mistake. Yeah, so your online tracking thing, remember, I was very cynical,

and I thought that there's no fucking way they're paying employees to sit around pressing buttons at every step of the way. And, of course, I have to. No, I got it. That's how POS works. No, I got a tweet, that's not what they do. Because if you have five or six different orders,

you don't have time, and you're going to screw something up. You don't have time to update each order and then keep track of it. I got a tweet from someone who works at Domino's, and they sent me a picture, and they said it's just a screen, and it just, you press start, and then it estimates based on your previous record.

Yeah. And then it just sends out some bullshit little update. Is exactly what I thought. But don't you press and say done making the pizza? Like, you have to clear the order from the system. Well, uh, maybe, I don't know. But here's, but that's how the pizza tracker works.

It doesn't go like, it doesn't show you every moment of the pizza making. That's what it does. That's what you, that's what you think it is. I just want the steps. I want to know that the pizza is made and in transition. Like, I don't need to, to know how hot the pizza is and how much more cooking the pizza needs to do.

It gives you four things. Yeah. It gives you stages. Mauricio has taken your order. Yeah. He's put it in the oven. He's double-checked it for accuracy. And then it's out for delivery.

But, Sean, that's just a fucking fairy tale. They're just feeding you a line of horse shit. They're not actually updating it each step of the way. When it says that Mauricio is working on your pizza and when it's in the oven, are two totally separate things. You know what they tell you and what happens? Mauricio has been lying to me. Domino's, I'm going to get Domino's PR involved in this.

Yeah? They'll be able to straighten us out. Well, no need, buddy. Not Twitter. Was he even verified? No, no need. I already got it. Here it is.

This is, this is actually from CNN. Listen to this. God damn it. All right. So we know our order is on the way right now. Tell us how you guys track every step of the process and still manage to get your work done actually making the future. Yeah, it's exciting. Well, it's rather easy, actually.

It's all fully automated. Your order comes through our online. online and it pops through on our make line over here. And as soon as we make it, we just hit one button on our computer here. All right. And the other interesting thing about it, and I wonder why you guys do this as well, is you actually, the names of the people that are actually making your pizza show up online as well. Oh, that Mohammed and Rob are busy making our pizzas this morning.

Why did you guys do that? Well, it's actually rather easy. It's just based on who's clocked in. Yeah, the computer just does everything automatically for us. What do you mean? No intelligence. It's based on whoever's clocked in. That's what it's just going to pop up on the thing.

It's like, okay, I guess this person, they could have three or four employees, three or four different chefs back there, and it probably just picks one at random. Oh, it's close enough. Yeah. So you're saying they push out of this thing. It just tells you a guy's making it. And then it's delivering. Of course I like stories.

Man, I want to order stuff on Amazon's Prime, the Now app, just so I can watch the dude driving it from Glendale to my apartment. Oh, buddy. If there was an Amazon Prime version of the Domino's, there would be like two or three steps where they were crying tears of sadness. Wait, why? Have you read that Mother Jones article about being an Amazon worker,

like in their, a temp worker for their Christmas season? Yeah, it's hilarious. There you go. Anyway, guys. Well, as long as we're calling shenanigans, do you want to talk about the homeless one? Are you going to start yelling

just by me bringing it up? I mean, I'll yell, for sure. I have like a page here of yelling to do for the homeless thing. If you dare, if you dare. But we can talk about the bed first. Let's get the, No, let's let's let, I want to get, I want to get this homeless shit on an overwithin out of here.

Okay. I don't ever want to talk about it. What do you want to say about it? So you said Utah reduced its, it's what, 3,000 homeless people population by 91%? No, they, so let's, we need to be very specific here. Oh, God. Chronic homelessness is different from temporary homelessness or casual homelessness. Like, homelessness that isn't chronic.

Like, homelessess, like, for example. Like, they're taking a vacation. So you've done a lot of research on this. This is for the last month. They're taking a vacation to homelessness. Casual... That's the dress code. Casual homelessness.

That's not the exact phrase, you dickheads. I know. Here's this guy. I'll give you an example. This guy, Patrick Murray, says, Maddox didn't know his, quote, close friend was homeless. L.M.B. O't laughing my butt off.

That's pretty funny. Idiot. It is pretty funny that you didn't know your friend was homeless. No, because... I can see it happening, but it's funny. First of all, it's not something people like to advertise. People have their pride,

and they weren't chronically homeless. what that means. So they were an example of homelessness that isn't a chronic homeless person. It's not what you think of when you think of homelessness. Now, homelessness could be just someone sleeping in their car because they don't have an apartment. I mean, that's literally homeless, right? Yeah. Right. But unless you are homeless for longer than a year or more than three times in, I think, two consecutive years, they don't count you as chronicly homeless. You got an issue then. Right. So Utah's homeless population was around 16,000, including chronically homeless. The chronically homeless make up about 14% of that number, right? So it's about 16,000. So about 2,000 of those people

were chronically homeless. That's what they were targeting with this housing first thing. Not the people who are temporarily homeless or people who are sleeping in their cars one or two nights. I think we all understood that. Oh, okay. Well, I wanted to make clear. It's the people who have no chance at getting back on their feet. It's the people who are chronically homeless. That's what they were targeting with this program. So it's about 2,000 people of those 16,000. And 91% of those 2,000 people were no longer homeless. Okay. I think the, well, I mean, I don't know.

It's too many numbers. My brain's overloaded already. I don't even know. I don't even remember what I had to say about it. Somebody brought up Alex Durante, Durrani, brought up the issue with, that it was really the way they counted the homeless that caused the gigantic drop. Yeah. Well, it's not.

Which is interesting because they compared the numbers that they reported versus the actual homeless count that they had, and there's a pretty massive discrepancy. Like the actual people, like, they went, they went to the way they count the homeless. Because, like, how the fuck do you count the homeless, right? Like, how do you know how many birds there are in California? I don't know. They're all over the place. I can't send them a letter to see where they are.

How do you know how many homeless are? You got to go down to Skid Row or the ghetto and say, hey, are you homeless? How long have you been homeless? Who the hell are you? Let me write your name down so I can count you, right? No, that's not how they do it. They do it a number of ways. The primary way is...

Well, they changed it. That's one way that they count the homeless. Well, there's a lot of thought and... There's a lot of thought that goes into the methodology on counting homeless people, and it's not just a simple... Depends on whether they're up for funding or not, probably. Usually the end result is money in some way. No, the...

I mean, you guys can be really cynical about this problem, but these are actually well-intentioned people who've actually helped a lot of people. You're cynical about the Domino's track. Well, yeah, but that's a fucking... No one's doubting that they want to help people. We're just saying why do they count the homeless one way before they do it in one way after. They didn't. They didn't. Guys, you guys are obfuscating the results of this because of the AEI Institute,

which is a right-wing conservative think tank who has an agenda. I'm just curious. They will never. I know. I'm just curious, too. It's interesting. Well, here, I'm explaining to you. How they count the homeless people is they count the number of people who come in through their shelters. Now, it's not a precise figure, especially in,

cities where there is temperature. It turns out temperature is a huge factor on whether or not they get an accurate count on homeless people. So on the nights of polling, depending on the season, depending on the time of year, they go out and they try to go to shelters and they go to places that homeless people would end up would be passing through, right? On warm nights, they find fewer homeless people coming to shelters. So depending on the time of year, the number could fluctuate, of course.

But here's some very simple math, guys. Very simple. I heard that they count them as three-fifths of a person. No, that's not true. No, Sean, you're mixing your history. That's a little history just 10 people. Here's some simple math, guys. If you have X number of homeless people on the streets,

and then you make Y number of housing units to put them in, you simply subtract Y from X, and that's your new chronic homeless number. There's no other way to look at it. If you are literally taking people off the street who are chronically homeless and putting them in houses, how do you argue with those numbers? I don't care. Let's get to the bet. That's just way too much time.

Okay. I heard this last month from you. What was the big bet? The big bet with you and Commander Crunch. Conrad Crank. Commander Krusty Pants. What's his name? I forget his name.

I don't know. He thought he was a friend of yours on Twitch. Yeah, he follows on Twitch, I guess. And so he called in, let's give a refresher for anyone who hasn't heard last month's episode. So the argument came up. How far away is Voyager from Earth? He was calling you out in some of your science knowledge. And in that call, he dropped the factoid that Voyager is 20 billion miles away from Earth, just off the cuff, you know, as you do.

You say, well, it's 20 billion miles away from Earth. Of course it needs a nuclear power cell. And you said, that's ridiculous. I've never heard something so stupid in my life. So I said, oh, you know, I'm an inquisitive guy. If I hear that something is obviously stupid, I want to know what the real answer is. So I said, oh, Maddox, what's the real answer? And you said, 100 million miles.

It's $114,000. I said $114, around that area. Okay. I said $114. Whatever it was, $100 million. So you bet him, I said, well, let's see who's closer. Let's take a bet, right? Let's take a bet on him.

Who's ever closer? You'd think, like, who's ever in the right order of magnitude would be able to. But no, we're going to do who's ever closer to the middle. Yes. Right? No, no, whoever's closest to the number, yeah. Well, yeah, sure. Yeah.

So did we look it up? Yeah. I looked it up and it's about 12.5 billion. So he was off by what, 7.5 billion? Well, yeah. He was up by 7.5 billion. He's in the right digits though. Yeah.

He's, yeah, you're off by, you're off by almost the entire amount. Yeah, but not that, I mean, not that much. You're close. You might as well have said zero. No, no, no. Like 10 feet. You might have said 10 feet, 20 feet, I don't know. That's just as close.

Look, guys, it's actually not 12 and a half billion. And I actually, this is an ace up my sleeve. I actually have a clip from NASA, and here's what they say. Listen to this. Was this in 1986? Yeah, probably. No, it's not. No, it's not.

This is actually very current, and this is going to settle the debate, and I won the bet. I think if you hear this clip, you'll agree that I won the bet. Listen to this. It is quite remarkable when you think about it. If it's far off now at every increasing distances, there's this little vehicle. 114 million miles of oil. I knew that was coming. There you go.

I won the bet. That guy doesn't have more to say? No, that's a shame. That's fine. That's all he said. 114 million miles. So fuck you, Pam, shithead. That's the NASA clip.

NASA, NASA, the authority on how far away the Voyager is. I trust no one more than NASA. I guess so. Yeah. I mean, I didn't look it up. Okay. I just assumed the guy. I mean, I looked it up before, like last month, but it's been a month.

I forgot what I looked up. If you say that's from NASA, then that's from NASA. I'm glad they cut the music right there, so you could really understand what he said. Well, they do that, Sean. You should know. You should do it on this podcast, actually. In case there's anything that anyone says that's very important,

you should put a bunch of reverb behind it and probably repeat it a couple times. For clarity, Sean. I'm taking notes. Yeah, why don't you look into it? So I've got a stats based on that. I asked Twitter. Okay.

How far away do you think Voyage? I said, how far away is Voyager? Don't cheat. Oh, right? Okay. I'm sure these guys didn't cheat. I think my Twitter followers do, because they don't give a fuck. They would just put out an unresearched.

They'd just guess. Okay, I'll give it. Yeah, those are my guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we know, you go with your gut. Fuck it, who cares? What does it matter if you guess wrong? So I said, how far was it?

A hundred million miles or 20 billion miles? Split almost right down the middle. 46% 100 million miles, which is about the distance from the earth to the sun, versus 20 billion miles, 54%. Well, 20 billion miles seems like something like a five-year-old would say. It's a five-year-old, right? 20 billion?

Yeah, how much money you want? But it does seem absurd. Uh-huh. How much money do I have my pocket? I don't know, 20 billion? How many billion? How many M&Ms? Every time you go to a grocery store and they have those big jugs,

like, guess the number of jelly beans? 20 billion, you stupid kid. It's not, it's probably 100 million. That's a smart grown-up figure to throw out. A hundred million. That's a number that makes sense. Now, look, guys, if you guys want to dispute this official NASA clip that I brought in. Yeah, throw it up.

Yeah. Okay, then. Then fine. You guys will have mud on your face. Real idiots. Oh, gosh. I don't. So I guess nothing is settled then because you guys are disputing this official NASA clip.

Oh, you're going to call this a tie? I guess. It's a tie then, right? You're a loser then. Losers tie. Let's get to some solutions. All right, I won that bet. Unbelievable.

Why don't you start us off? Oh, you want me to start off? Yeah, start us off. So my... Oh, all right. We're going to start this episode off. We'll... A little bit of, with our loafers, pretty light.

My solution is meditation. Oh, meditation. Oh, man. Here, I got something for you, Dick. I don't... I don't like it. Well, me either. Huh.

I mean, I know what you're thinking, right? Like, what kind of hippie-dippy horse shit is this? Exactly what I was thinking. I know you know people who meditate, but do you know they know, do you know that they meditate? I know. Hold on, let me start over. You know anybody who meditates?

They usually live in their cars. Is that true? Well, not according to this research I brought in. Maddox's friends. Oh, oh, okay. Wow, Sean. Cross the bow. Yeah, I know a lot of people who meditate.

A lot. You know how I know? Because it won't shut the fuck. up about it. Oh, you should meditate. You should meditate. You know what, guys, I gave it a shot. Oh, please, how did that go? Yeah. Describe giving it a shot. So one of my friends was really encouraging me to meditate. He's like, like, man, you can work through some shit. It'll calm you down. You can like, you know, just do some meditation. I'm like, well, what do I do? Just sit there. He goes, yeah, yeah, just focus on your breathing and try to clear your head of thoughts. Which is really hard,

because my brain is full of brilliant thoughts all the time. They're just creeping in. Not. Non-stop, I'm constantly writing a little things down because I'm a writer. And I'm constantly little tidbits here and there. And I did it for the, I did it for two or three days in a row, 20 minutes apiece. So what did you do? I sat down. Let me imagine it. I really think this is hilarious.

Right. Where would you sit down? Just on the floor. Not a table. Just in the middle of your apartment? Yes. You'd sit on your house or whatever. You'd sit on your floor.

Yes. Would you turn everything? Would you turn the lights out? Yeah. Would you light off? candles? No. Okay. He was gaming at the same time. Would you assume, would you sit in any weird position? I sat, I sat, I sat, cross-legged on my butt and just sat and focused. Like in a yogi position. Yeah, basically. Like, Dalcim. Yeah, yeah, like Dalcim. Okay, okay. Because I want to be,

I want to do the whole thing, you know, I, uh, sure, you're in for a guy, all the way. Yeah, I'm committing to this, right? So I tried it and I, afterwards I just felt really pensive. Like, I was, I was nervous and I was anxious all day long, and it put me in a bad mood. Like people were, people were talking to me and I was snapping at them and I knew I was snapping at them and I'm like, I'm so sorry. You did nothing wrong to me. I'm just in a bad mood because I meditated. I just, I don't know what it is. I just feel awful right now. How long did you meditate for it? 20 minutes apiece, three days in a row. And three days in a row. Yeah. Too much. Really? I don't, I have no idea. I have no idea how meditating works.

I looked it all up for this show. All you did was focus on your breathing. Yeah. And every time my, my, thoughts crept back into my mind, I would try to focus it, clear it, and focus just on the blackness, because I had my eyes shut. I'm like, well, there's nothing else to fucking look at except the back of my eyelids. I'm making you angry already.

Yeah. I was like, you know what? I got to ask you, I don't mean this is a slam, but is it possible your brain has been rewired because of, like, video games and the internet's, like, instant gratification? Yes, absolutely.

Yeah. I think so. Like, that's a genuine question. Is it possible that it would take many months of meditation to like unwind that? Well, I have been making a conscious effort since about three years ago because I was on a date one night and I caught myself constantly reaching for my cell phone. Oh, yeah. You are real bad at that.

Well, I used to be. It was this twitch and I noticed myself doing it. My date noticed me doing it. And then I noticed my date doing it. I said, you know what? Let's make a conscious effort to leave the phones in the car from now on. And we're just going to go to dinner and have a cell phone-free day. dinner, and it was weird at first, but now I've made a conscious effort. When I'm at lunch or dinner

with someone, I never take out my cell phone anymore. I know people who, uh, they all go out as a group and they all put their cell phones in the middle and the first one to reach for it and pick it up pays the bill. Good. That's a good policy. That should be a solution. Yeah, Sean. Let's put that on the list for this time. That's a great solution. Great solution, John. Yeah, it's, I do not have that compulsion. But I do get, I get weird, I get weird flack from people. Like, I get a weird vibe from people when I just,

my phone just runs out of batteries. Like, I don't know. Is that a battery? I don't care. And that drives me not stick. Every fucking time, your phone is always, your tablet dies, your phone dies, everything's always dying around you. Yeah.

It's caught. Okay, let me get to this, wherever he comes out. Yeah, yeah, what do you get? Because I saw, an article in a daily mail popped up saying that people who use meditation's brains over the age of 50, their brains are

seven years younger than people who don't meditate. And obviously that could account for a lot of other things could cause that. They may be a healthier lifestyle. So maybe they don't have a job so they're not stressed out because they're sitting around meditating all day, right? We can all see this

person. But still, that's a big fucking difference. So I kept looking at it. You've got not only the seven year thing, but But there's just a huge amount of research that says it gives you lasting emotional control. Like they'll do studies where they'll expose you to images that are supposed to provoke a response. And after meditating, it provokes less of a response. Yeah.

That's a good thing. I'm sure you're going to, this one's more, this one encourages compassion, it says. So it's a con, not all pros. Yeah, some cons. That's definitely big con. You don't want to feel for anyone or anything. No, but it says it changes your brain. It increases the brain's plasticity,

which obviously, which is like, you know, great for everything. Yeah, but who wrote this? Like some fucking yoga, a yogi? These are crazy studies from all across the board. Like not a single one of them was from the same place. And I agree with you. I thought it was bullshit too, but I don't know, maybe there's something. Certainly if it affected your mood in some way, it's doing something.

Right? I mean, it affected my mood. It made me worse. It made me a worse person. Here's a great one. It accelerates cognition. So they had a bunch of people, you had a control group and a group of meditators,

and they listened to an audiobook version of The Hobbit. Yeah. Right? Which is, have you ever tried to read that fucking book? Oh, it's so boring. It's awful. I can't. It's worse than the Bible.

I stopped reading the first, I tried to read The Hobbit a long time ago. Me too. And I stopped around, I don't know, page 18, because it was three pages of talking about his windowsill and the spiders that live there. I'm like, I don't give a shit. And everything's named like Dr. Seuss.

I don't care. Like, just call them, call them like regular things. Fred. Yeah, Fred. That's his name. Hobbit Fred. Fred. How about Fred?

Fred the Midget in the land of midget. It's like, oh, cool. I can listen to, I can page it. So they gave, they let these people meditate, and it gave, the ones who meditated were able to gather more information from the Hobbit. that they just listened to. Like four times the amount. Oh, no, I'm sorry.

Measures range it from 15 to over 50%. More cognition. That's huge. That is huge. I mean, that says to me, why the hell aren't schools? First thing you do when you get in, make these little motherfuckers meditate for a little bit, right?

There are companies that do that. Are there really? Oh, yeah. I think that's probably the principle behind nap time and kindergarten is just to get the kids to calm down a little bit, focus, and then you get back on the task. I'm a big supporter of NAPs.

I think Naps are great. Naps are fantastic. I used to nap all the time in my old job at the telemarketing company. Wait a minute. There we go. Telemarketing company. A long time ago when I was a program is really shit.

Telemarketing companies? I worked for one for nine and a half years. That's my favorite. favorite drop. I work for one. There's another one that I'm waiting for you to coax out. It increases creativity. What does? Meditation? Yeah, meditate. So here's the thing. Look, guys, I have read a lot of these studies. I've seen a lot of these studies. And Dick, you're right. And I will refute all of them. No, I think that there's probably something to it, but I don't know what exactly the reason is. I don't know if it's just meditation versus whatever process it is that slows you down and gets you to

breathe slower and focus. I think that focus is the key to productivity. Focus is the key to cognition and being able to absorb the information that you're listening to or reading. Now, I recently read a study that said that fonts like comic sands,

interestingly enough, everyone kind of shits on comic sands, but it's great. It's hilarious. There's nothing wrong with it. I don't have a problem with it. It's just some type, some copywriter a long time ago wrote this article that's just like damned comic sands to hell. you. Yeah. But they found that people who read things written in comic sands or other typefaces

that are kind of difficult to read, it slows you down and you absorb the information much better. Like, again, like what you were saying, Dick, like, was it 10 to 50% more? 15 to 50% more? 15 to 50%? A lot. Yeah. I mean, these people actually made it through The Hobbit, or maybe that's how far they got. Everybody else quit when they're at 5%. No one's finished the book. They they swallowed their tongues. Yeah. The only thing worse than the book are the movies. I've heard the movies are boring. I have a screener. I couldn't get through it.

I couldn't watch it. They're so bad. Yeah. I watched a cut of all three put together into one movie. Oh, that's great. And it was cool. That's what I want. I've never seen the three on their own.

Yeah, man. Summarize. Get to it. There's just not that much going on in these universes that you need to see three fucking movies worth. The Lord of the Rings, skip the first one. The second one has a recap of what happens to the first one. You don't even need to see it.

Yeah. The first one was boring as shit. True. Okay. I've never done this either. Well, no, I've never done this. You've never meditated? No.

You've never meditated? No. I would figure you as a meditation guy. No, you know what? Like, pure exhaustion is the only thing that clears my mind. Like, I've always done a little bit of yoga or like Pilates more, which I prefer. Oh, is you laughing at that? Go ahead.

You do Pilates? Full-on cardio bar, man. Oh, yeah? Full-on ballet. Yeah, you'll throw up. You'll get, you'll get. through, no, you'll get through about three minutes. I guarantee of that class, and you will throw up.

You guys at one point, we're going to have a burpee contest. Oh, yeah. Those are nothing compared to these. Please, you will not do 20 burpees in under a minute. No way, no fucking way ever, ever. And here's the thing, guys. The reason we haven't done that on the air is because Dick and I talked about it off there, I'm like, dude, have you done burpees in a while?

Yeah. You can't even talk for like a next 20, 30 minutes after you do them. No, I work out. I do too. It won't be a problem. I do more cardio than you, Brosif. I'll have to take your word on if you do more cardio than me. Well, I ride my bike everywhere.

Okay. But I brought it up to say that it does have an effect on my brain. It definitely does have an effect on my brain. Meditation? Well, the, like, I don't know if it's the exhaustion or just the not being able to think about anything else. But I definitely experience all of these symptoms afterwards. After what? After what? Exhaustion.

Like an intense workout. and then you do that dumb thing at the end where you sit there and the chick in charge is like, okay, now you gotta like thank yourself for showing up. Think about your day. I'm like, okay, this is dumb, but like I'm not really thinking about anything. I'm not thinking about all the shit that pisses me off usually, so I'll just kind of zone out here and think about nothing. So that is equivalent to meditation.

I guess. I don't really even know what it is or how to do it. I know that I can sit on like a cross-country flight and just do nothing. like sit there and not think about anything. Yeah. Well, I'll tell you my version of maybe this is meditation. I don't know. Maybe we'll have some of the hippies in the audience listening.

Chime in and tell us if this is meditation or not. But after, when I was in sixth grade up through high school when I lived at home, I would have the exact same routine every day. I would wake up at 6.16 a.m. every morning. And it became a biological thing. Like after a while, I never even had to turn on the alarm. I would wake up at 6-16 every morning. And I would watch cartoons, do homework, and then shower.

And after I'd shower, I would come down, come back to my room, and lay on my bed and stare at the ceiling for 20 minutes straight. There you go. Nothing on. Yeah. Nothing on. I would just, but I wasn't clearing my mind. I was thinking about things.

I was thinking about solutions to things. I was thinking about how to solve problems, that sort of thing. You're not doing it right. But that was like a 20-minute session I did every single morning. and I never did it intentionally. It wasn't my intentional meditation thing. I just noticed that it was something I was doing every day. I brought in a how to meditate.

You want to do, you want me to read that? Yeah, right now. You'll do it. You know what? You read the instructions. I'll do it right now. I'm going to read it in my sexiest meditating voice, too, like one of those guys, right? How to meditate.

Since meditation benefits are so great, here's a quick primer on how to meditate. Yeah. But the names and techniques of meditation are many and vary, but to fund The mentals are all the same. Relax the body and mind. This can be done through body posture, mental imagery, mantras, music, progressive muscle relaxation. Oh. Does that mean jerking off?

Yeah, maybe. I'm going to be really progressive with my muscle relaxation. Take your pick. This step is relatively easy, as most of us have some experience of relaxing, even if we don't get much opportunity. Yeah. Does that sound like, are you doing that right now? I'm relaxing. No, your feet are bouncing, your glancing.

You're glancing around, you're fucking around with your pen. This is why it didn't work for you. Here we go, okay, all right. I'm relaxing. My shoulders is calm. My eyes are shut. Okay. Shut your eyes if you're going to shut them.

Fine. They're shut. God, everything's a joke with you. That's why it didn't work. I'm doing it. I'm meditating right now. Are you for real? Yeah.

Sean, look at them while I read this. I can't do both. Okay. It's a bit, be mindful. Do you know how to be mindful? It's all I do, Dick. I'm the most mindful person I know. I'm definitely mindful.

I just realized how much creepier this is now that he's got my voice right in his ears with his eyes closed. This is super creepy. It's got to be really like erotic. This is got to be like what it's like for the podcast listeners at home. Like they probably just have our voices in their heads. They can't see anything. This is what it's like to fuck me. Imagine that.

Be mindful. It's a bit cryptic this one, but it means something like this. Don't pass judgment on your thoughts. Let them come and go as they will. See, now you're playing sound effects. You're not meditating at all. I think this is meditation. This is my form of meditation.

Okay, go on. When your mind wanders, try to nudge your attention back to its primary aim. Okay, I've done that before. I don't even know what that means. It turns out that this is quite difficult because we're used to mentally traveling backwards and forwards while making judgments on everything.

Hmm. Like worrying and dreading and anticipating and regretting. I do judge a lot. I judge insects. Like, if I see insects in my room, I judge them as well. The key is to notice in a detached way what's happening, but not to get involved with it. Huh. That's what people are doing while they're meditating.

Noticing in a detached way what's happening, but not getting involved. Oh, I get it. Okay, so they're trying to make it sound like you're a transcendental eye. Do people not usually think like that? No. Do you not see stuff? You're like, okay, whatever. No.

You get involved. You relate it to yourself. You do this, dick. Oh, okay. Concentrate on something. like a big penis. Damn it, dick. Often meditators concentrate on their breath,

the feel of it going in and out, but it could be anything. Oh, I'm concentrating my breath right now. Your feet, a potato? It says a potato. The breath is handy because we carried around with us. Try to focus all your attention on it. That's all it says to do.

Concentrate on nothing. Concentrate on nothing. I don't know, man. So I've done that. I did that, man. I did that for three days, and I felt awful. I don't know.

Am I doing it wrong? Is there different types of meditation? You've been talking the whole time when you're trying to do it. All right. Do your solution. I just want to say this. I have friends who go to these like 12-day meditation retreats or 10-day meditation retreats. Yeah, it's out in the desert and it costs nothing but, you know, it's nothing with a huge asterisk next to it.

I believe that. Yeah. And it's like nothing but donations welcome. And then donations are always like $300. You know, it's always suggested like $300, right? Or whatever it is. Well, it's not for what you get. Basically, they just put up a little prop,

like a makeshift tent out in the middle of a desert, and you sit there for eight hours a day, no talking, no talking, and you only get one little break, and when you get that break, you eat a vegetarian lunch prepared for you. It's just a bunch of lentils and slop and bullshit, you know. Think of, like, Indian food, but without meat in it. Awful.

Yeah, Indian food without meat in it. Ethiopia. There you go. Perfect. No, Ethiopian food has a lot of meat. You can get all kinds of meat in it. Well, not in Ethiopia, but... Okay, keep going, Sean.

Keep digging. I'm done. Anyway, man, they do these retreats for like 10 days, 12 days, and they come back home. I don't know this any difference. But I'll tell you this. I just want to end on this one note. You know, the author of Real Ultimate Power, Robert Hamburger, you know, he's a buddy of mine in real life. And he, over the course of the years that I've known,

him has become more and more transcendental, more and more and more meditative and more and more to the point where last time he came out to visit, we were hanging out and he was telling me about like how. He wasn't even there. He was like a ninja. He was telling me how like he's just really chill these days and nothing really, he's unflappable. So I was like kind of like poking him a little bit, like trying to get, you know, just to see if I could get a response out of him.

And he was the most chill motherfucker I've ever met in my life. was totally unflappable. Cool as a cucumber the entire time. You know, maybe I do this when I'm drinking. Because I just... No. I will have a drink and I just sit there and do nothing. I don't watch TV.

Yeah. Try not to think about anything but the liquor. I used to do that with cinnamon whiskey. Okay. Your turn. Yeah. Go ahead. No, were you going to add something to that?

No. No. Okay. I got a big solution, guys. Huge, huge solution. Welding! Yeah, welding. Welding.

Bravo, Maddox. That's a good solution. Good solution, right? Welding. It keeps us together. Uh-huh. Yeah. Think about where planes would be without welding.

Bottom of the ocean. Rivets, probably. Do they use a lot of welding in planes? Both. Yeah, they both. These both. Think about where boats would be without welding. Oh.

Bottom of the ocean. What about oil platforms, huh? Bottom of the ocean. Everything we love would eventually end up at the bottom of the ocean without welding. Take your iPhone and throw it away in the ocean. But seriously, because without welding, that's where your phone would end up. All those cargo ships, they need welding.

Yeah. Uh-huh. And they ship them from China. They need welding to stay together. How about the skeletal framework of buildings? Huh? Those need welding. The cranes that built the buildings that need welding, need welding.

Cars, bikes, microwaves, and even computers need welding. And it might be thinking, well, how does your computer need? welding, but think about it. Sodering is welding. Sodtering is welding. Every circuit board is welded together. Sure. A bunch of little microchips. There's even glass and plastic welding.

Glass welding's, uh, yeah. There is? Mm-hmm. Glass welding is made from joining two halves together by a welding seam. They can make really intricate patterns and glass bowls for your grandma to put candy in. Uh-oh. You know those, uh, you know those glass bowls that have, um, like grapes, like patterns of grapes and indentations on the side. They're riveted.

They're kind of bumpy and textured. Okay, yeah. Those are made by glass welding. Okay. Yeah. You had me with boats. I don't know about Grandma's candy dish. Well, where's she going to put her candy?

In like a dish without grapes on this side? That's not fun. Yeah. That doesn't spell grandma to me. Okay. Yeah, welding's my solution, guys. Welding. It's a good solution.

Good solution, right? Keeps everything together. There's all sorts of different types of welding. My dad was a welder. Oh, he was. Yeah, my dad's kind of a jack of all trades. He did a lot of things. But for a long time, his primary source of income and his primary profession was

auto body. And he taught me a lot about how to fix cars. Man, I can spot a shitty, a shitty auto body job from like 10, 15 feet away. Hmm. Why? Because it's got a big dent in it or? Well, so people who do auto body who aren't experienced, use Bondo. like it's fucking going out of style.

You take a magnet and you run it over and see where it doesn't stick. Oh yeah, because Bondo's not... Uh-huh. But Bondo is supposed to be used sparingly in tiny little patches. You're supposed to flatten the surface of whatever you're going to fix

as much as much you're supposed to use. About as much as you'd fill in a thimble. A thimble-full Bondo. And here's how you fix a car door that's been dented. I know this doesn't really have too much to do with welding, but... Yeah, but it's probably... more useful. I got a bunch of things

on my door. Yeah, here's how you fix it. You actually, this sounds counterintuitive, but you drill a hole right where the dent is. First of all, you get a plunger because most dense on cars can be fixed with a plunger. You put your plunger right up to it and you pull it out. And as much as you can, that gets like, I'd say about 70, 80% of the dense out of car doors, like big ones. Then for the smaller ones are ones that you can't get

out if they're deeper. You drill a hole, a tiny little hole right through it. Then you go to a hardware. door and you get those little hook screws, you put that hook screw inside that hole that you drilled, right? Same size. Then you pull that screw and it, uh, flattens the door. That usually gets the other 10% of jobs that you can't fix, right? And then you put just enough Bondo to cover up that hole and that's how you fix it. That's how you patched your car. You don't, you don't, uh, cut out a huge fucking chunk or replace the whole door with just Bondo. Sounds like you got a big hole in your car now, though. No, it's a tiny little screw hole. And then you got like a, a big hole. And then you got like a

bunch of Bondo on it and a little patch? Just enough for a thimble. Just a tiny, like a little speck of it, a little dot of it. That's how you fix cars without making it look like you have these big, uneven surfaces. Because that Bondo warps.

When you're a car gets hot or cold, it shrinks and expands, the metal shrinks and expands. Just like welding. Welding makes the metal shrink and expand, relating it back. Yeah. Yeah.

Anyway, guys. It's a good solution. Yeah. How many different kinds of welds? are there. I only know Meg and Tick. Take me too. I only know that from No Country for Old Men.

I'm glad you asked, Sean. There's gas, flame. There's gas flame, electric arc. There's laser welding, electron beam, friction, and ultrasound. Oh, electron beam. That sounds pretty cool. So electron beam welding, this is pretty new, but they're starting to use it in manufacturing.

They create a vacuum, and they fire an electron beam in that vacuum, and it's just a flash. Just because it's so intense, The energy requirements are so intense. It just instantly makes the metal or makes the surface molten. You make a quick contact, and that's it. The metal's seal.

The metals fuse together. My Uncle John was an underwater welder for the Navy. Oh, yeah. And true story. Somehow, I don't know what he was welding a hatch or something, and he chopped off his index finger. Oh, my God. Like right at the, I don't know if it's from the tip of the finger of your second knuckle. Yeah.

Wow. And he said that he called. weld it back on real fast? Was he thinking? No, but it's, I mean, it's off. And he calls his wife and tells her about it. And she's like, the whole finger? And he's like, no, the one next to it.

What? The whole finger. Oh, gosh. Sean, was that whole thing a set up for that joke? No, that really happened? Well, he told the joke. No, no, no, he's missing a finger. Don't edit that at all.

I want to see that graph of how good that joke is. To see how many seconds it took to pick it up. That's great. That's a good joke. Do you remember welding in... Did you have metal shop in like eighth grade? Sure did. I did. Yeah. Do they still...

They can't still do that, can they? Because that was fun as shit. No, they do. I remember as a kid. The spot welder. If you stepped on the pedal too long, you could fuse the tips together. Oh, yeah. I remember that one.

I remember that one. Pissed. We had a kid who did that in our shop class who fused the tips together. My shop teacher was pissed. Oh, man. I remember this guy. There was also this kid in class So my shop teacher

Like hated most like half the class at least I think they all do That's what makes them so great That's how much they hate you I had a wood shop teacher who is fine But this this metal shop teacher Oh man he hated it He hated most of us

Because to be fair about half the class were shitheads And specifically there's this kid Who of course huge stoner He was like the kid who Always did poorly in all his classes Except the one time he had to write a book report He chose marijuana legalization. Oh, man, he had a bibliography.

He had sources. He had citations. He had quotes. This kid cared a lot about pot. He doesn't even need school. He could just go work for normal right now. Yeah, why not? So our shop teacher had to step out.

He had an emergency. He had to run down to the office and take a phone call. This kid within, I'd say 30 seconds of the shopteacher stepping out, runs over to the bandsaw, throws the safety off. This kid that was experienced with taking the safety. off the bands off. So you have this completely exposed, like, you know,

two and a half, three foot long saw blade. And then he took the shop, the shop teacher's metal hardware box that he used as a demo on what to create. It was like a really nice toolbox. He took that and he started slicing it in half.

He cut the shop teacher's toolbox in half. And the shop teacher came back was fucking livid. I mean, there was molten aluminum that we used for cast iron. Yeah. His face was redder than that. How in the hell did this shop teacher think it was a good idea to leave a bunch of teenagers in an unattended shop class? I guess it was an emergency.

You aren't going, what could the emergency be? The present launching nuclear missiles at the United States doesn't require a phone call that that's that important. Like what could it possibly have been? Have you ever had a phone call that important? You got to be there right now. Well, kids, don't all cut all your hands off at once. I mean, it sounded like it was an issue with his wife or something. I don't know what was going on.

But he came back and he looked like he was ready. He didn't even have to ask who it was. He knew who it was. It was the whole shit. It was the pot head. And he looked like he was about to swing at this kid. I would have paid to see that. It would have been so hilarious.

Everyone would have gone to jail, everyone. But would have been worth it. Anyway, welding, big solution. That is a big solution. My dad's a great welder, though. You know that the Navy welders, Sean? Your brother-in-law, you said? It's my uncle.

Your uncle. Those Navy welders are the best in the world. You have to get Navy certified for welding, there's a type of weld that you can make, and you can tell, like, experienced welders can look at a weld and see whether it's a good joint or not. It has kind of like this arc-shaped pattern that goes back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And basically, you're creating a lattice. I'm not even sure if a lot of welders know the underlying science behind it, but they know a good weld when they see it. Kind of sending.

Yeah, okay, go ahead. Because I didn't learn about it until level three of my calculus class in college with my Princeton professor who happened to be coming into class. He was only teaching at the University of Utah because he liked to ski. So I got a high caliber calculus professor that we normally wouldn't have gotten in a million years. This guy taught a shit that was way out of the scale of the university. He taught us specifically the way that lattices work and why it creates a really structurally. sound bond. Anyway, welders who are really good, some of them know that some of them don't,

but they know when they see it. It's a really powerful weld, and the best welders in the world are usually the Navy, the Navy welders. Yeah, so good, he cut his finger off. Yeah. You know, he could have grown it back on. They have this powder. It's basically ground up pig bladder. Did you guys hear about this?

Yeah, why aren't they doing, like what? I haven't heard about this. I haven't happened with that. I hate I hate the way medical advances are reported in the news, because, you because they always make it seem like we're living in, we're going to be living in the future next year.

Yeah. And it just never works out. Like, it's made me so disappointed in progress at all. Like, the one you're talking about with the ground-up, the ground-up pig's bladder. Yeah. Where the guy chopped the top of his finger off, and they just put this powder on.

Yeah. And it grew it back, like, something because of, I don't know, because it mimics stem cells or something like that. It grew back his finger. Right. And they made it. It seemed like a huge breakthrough. And this was like five years ago.

Maybe even more. Where the fuck is it? I think you have to catch it pretty early on after the cut. Like you have to, it still has to be a fresh wound. Because once it's healed, it's healed. There's no way to get that to regrow. Just chop it off again. Actually, maybe.

Maybe you just keep chopping it off. No big deal. I'm gonna go home, watch a movie, chill out for a little bit. I'll go in tomorrow. They'll chop a little bit more off my arm. Maybe instead of being the whole finger, it'll be a stump finger. Mm-hmm. Or a whole stump.

That's better. A whole nub. Anyway, that's my solution, welding. What do you got? Here's a solution that needs no welding at all. In fact, it makes welding look kind of like a joke. Really? Yeah.

I'm getting my finger on the buzzer button. Go ahead. Shoes. Shoes. Okay. I'll give you a ding. You've ever seen a welded pair of shoes? That don't be ridiculous.

Don't even think about it. Horse shoes? Those aren't they? Aren't they? No, they're cast. Oh, I guess they nailed them onto the horses. I don't know how. Like, if I own a horse...

They're forged. I think they're forged. They're forged. Yeah, because you're hitting it with a hammer. Navy, man. Yeah. Look, I would weld them to a horse's feet. That's just me personally, I would weld them.

I think you'd have to do it again. That's not going to work. What, welding them? Yeah. Well, I'll take as many horses as it takes to try to figure it out, man. Hey, guys, look, I bet, I bet you're all wearing shoes right now. I'm not. I'm not either, actually.

Sean is. I am. Sean's wearing shoes. Sean loves his shoes. Sean never goes anywhere without shoes. I don't think I've ever seen you in flip-flops, actually. I used to when I went to the lake all the time. Well, I'm counting...

Yeah, I'm counting sandals as shoes anyway. All right. That's the first thing. If I was ever stranded, like on a naked and afraid type situation, first thing I would make. Shoes. Loin cloth? Yeah.

Fuck no. I spend my whole life trying to get my dick out. Why do I need to cover this up? Why would I make that? There's actually no hyperbable. in that one, you actually are trying to always get your dick out. Yeah. Aren't we all?

Yeah. Yeah, we are. That's why girls get the gift of dick picks so often. They don't appreciate them. Well, I think they do. Yeah. I think they secretly do. I think that they, I like encouraging guys to send dick picks just so that there's always

always dick pics flying around. Like, I don't, I don't think that's, I don't think that's harassing. like usually. Like the amount of... I mean, I've got a couple extremely hot friends who are girls and the amount of laughs. I like how he qualified that.

They're girls, yeah. Yeah, what do you mean? Why? Because he didn't want to confuse his hot friends for being guys, aka me, so go on. Yeah. Correct. The amount of...

Like, the amount of comedy that comes just from what guys send them Oh, yeah. Is... I never get tired of. I may You know They I think

I don't think they enjoy it as much That's on them But I could look at their tech Like she'll send me like a screenshot of a text You guys got And it's just some dude that she kind of just met Who she's like kind of working together professionally with on a project

And out of nowhere Because you can follow the thread Out of nowhere it'll just be A bathroom selfie of this guy With no clothes on Just hanging dong Yeah That doesn't that doesn't work

Girls aren't really into that. Most girls I know are not into that. Not right away. No, not right. Not right away, but once you're... Man, if they're into you, they want dick all... They want dick picks all day. They want a whole...

They want to build a shrine out of your dick. Huh. Oh, yeah. That's true. That's how you know if a chick's into you. They want dick pics. Once she starts asking for dick picks. Yeah, like everybody...

Imagine your parents. If they're in love, your dad's probably dick picking your mom several... Like a dozen times a day. Yeah, I cannot relate to that. That's how a relationship works. Well, I would not know. My parents are definitely not in love. Shoes.

Shoes are great. Shoes. You know, Dick, like, all joking aside, I was walking around the other day looking at the amount of disgusting gum on the sidewalk. It's fucking everywhere. Gum. And cigarette butts and heroin needles. You know, I live in a rough neighborhood. I saw safety pin, like a rusty fucking safety pin.

And I was thinking about all the things I wouldn't want wedged in between my toes and how thankful I am for shoes. Really, I think it's changed our evolution. to have shoes. It has. It has. Once we started wearing shoes, our four, the little toes

started to shrink. Garbage. Because of the shoes. It's a garbage toe. Cut it off. You don't need it. You don't need it. You don't need to look like a hobbit.

You know what? Other, it was all thumbs before that. Looks ridiculous. Yeah. Cut the, cut the little toe. Put it on your uncle's finger. Sean. Extend his finger.

He gets his whole finger back. That'll work. Yeah. Look, his wife will be very happy. Uh-huh. I'll be happy. The size of the whole finger? It's my aunt.

That's okay. Still a woman. I would be so happy knowing that my pinky was in your aunt's hole. Good God. What, your pinky toe? My pinky toe, yeah, my pinky toe. My little toe. Throw up now.

Yeah. Anyway. What are you going to do? Are you going to make everybody stop throwing their heroin needles around? No. You can't. You can't. Just get a pair of shoes.

Yeah. Get shoes. Why don't you get shoes? You know what? You know what's a, I brought in heels, high heels. as a problem on the problems episodes. And it got voted to hell. Yeah, because everyone's a fucking idiot.

And it's a bunch of bros listening to the show who don't understand the pain that women go through and how disgusting they are when they take their heels off and walk around Hollywood Boulevard on vomit and fucking car exhaust and garbage and oil. But women choose to wear them. Like, bros can appreciate them, but I'm not stopping a woman from leaving the house

until she gets her uncomfortable high heels on. You want to wear them, fucking commit, and wear them. If you can't and don't. It's not the shoes, it's the lack of shoes. It's the lack of shoes. That's the problem. And high heels leads to lack of shoes. Well, they should carry a backup. That's, I agree.

We need more shoes. That's the issue here. We need more shoes. I find a woman who brings backup shoes with her, like little flats that's not a fucking issue and she just like throws them in a purse. She's getting a ring. What kind of ring? I know you're not meaning a wedding ring or a proposal ring. All I'm thinking about is Dark Souls rings right now.

Like there's the princess ring, there's the ring of favor that gives you increased stamina in health. Probably one of those. Shoes are status symbols. In ancient Egypt, slaves had no shoes. Idiots. Or they wore shoes made of palm leaves. Can you imagine? Garbage. Garbage shoes.

The commoner wore sandals made from paper. Papyrus. They wore paper shoes? Well, papyrus. Like a canvas kind of mixture. Those in higher status were allowed to wear pointed sandals. The colors red. Yeah, Sean, with your shoes.

Red and yellow were reserved for the highest society only. Oh, it wasn't until 1818 that we had right and left shoes. Before then, everyone was just walking around with big childlike mitts on their feet, looking stupid. Giant cartoons. Like Kleenex boxes? Have you ever put Kleenex boxes on his shoes? I have. Yeah. Yeah. That's how I imagine everyone before left and right shoes look like. So this is, I was not getting allowed into this club, and I really wanted to drink, and I was really pissed off about it.

I was arguing me and this girl. I was arguing with the bouncer for like 15 minutes over what is a shoe? Like, because he said, you can't come in and you wear sandals. I'm like, okay, so what's a shoe then, asshole? If I put up like a bunch of Amazon boxes for my trunk on my feet, is that a shoe then? Is that a shoe? Let me ask you something. Is that a shoe? And she was just as bad and belligerent as I was. So she was on that guy. She's like, well, I'm not wearing shoes, and I can get in, and he's like, that's correct. And she's like, well, what if he wears my sandals then? Then would it be fine?

And he's like, well, then you couldn't get in. This motherfucker stumping at every turn. Uh-huh. Yeah, he sounds cool and collected. Was it Robert Hamburger from Real Ultimate Power? No, some asshole. I was such a shitty bar, too. What, yeah, I want to know what bar after.

Harvard and Stone. Harvard's, I don't care. Fuck them. Can you fuck that. They're giving you guff to get in there? They've got sawdust on the floor. Yeah, how about you... And he's like, it's dangerous

because it's packed and people are being crazy. Well, I'll take my chances with my fucking shit. You think that's any safer than Hollywood Boulevard where there's a bunch of syringes and human excrement lying around? You dumb motherfucker. The safest place I could be right now without shoes is your fucking shitty-ass bar.

Who gives a shit? Let me just eat into your bar. And by the way, I'm dainting to come into your fucking bar, there's a billion fucking... You know what? Fuck you. I'm getting Thai food. There's not a million bars around there, though.

Right around. You cannot walk to a bar at that place. That's why they can stay with it. And he was just making it up off the top of his head. Like it was totally, chicks can get in and wear whatever they want on their feet. Because she didn't have fucking shoes on. Well, bro, that's the code.

That's always been the code. Chicks can get in wearing nothing. In fact, they prefer that. Yeah. Yeah. It's totally unfair. I wish I had some shoes. That's all I'm saying.

Yeah. Why weren't you carrying extra shoes, backup shoes? Because I fucking hate shoes. They make my feet hot. Gross. Couldn't land on the moon without shoes. You need those moon boots. Hold on.

One small step for man, which is the quote. Yeah. One giant leap for mankind. Both needing shoes. Uh-huh. You got to wedge that in there. Now you're counting boots as shoes. Of course.

If you're too short, wear some platform shoes. Oh, that's true. Those shoes are sweet as hell. Can't go bowling without special. I do like bowling shoes. Have you ever tried bowling without bowling shoes? No, I get yelled at. Do not do it.

Yeah. Well, because you stop too quickly, too abruptly. You will fall right on your face. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You stop way too abruptly. You want that little slide at the end, too. It's fancy, man. Shoes let us be more graceful

than even our wildest imaginations. We can slide around. You can tap? You can tap. I tap with tap shoes. Tap shoes. Yeah, I needed tap shoes one time for a show I was doing and I looked online and it's a bunch of horse shit it's like 400 dollars 500 I'm like

go fuck yourself you're just putting fucking washers on your and your shoes I'm like you know what that's what I'm gonna do I'm gonna go hardware store and I'm gonna weld some washers on to my shoes with glue and and then I I did just that I got my sneakers I got these big ass washers I got big ones for the front little ones for the back I made perfect fucking tapping shoes they work I remember that show and it looked awful yeah and it was a huge failure yeah well I mean That aside, the shoes worked, the shoes. Look, I made tap shoes. I made tap shoes.

The shoes look great. They still tap. And you know what? The washers are still on them. Welded together for life. Smart. Vote up welding. Okay, what do you got?

My last solution here, guys. This is a big one, but we're running out of time. I'll make this quick. It's art. Art. You should have led with art. Yeah, well, I didn't. Art.

Art. Art is the most universal form of human expression. You know, I'm a writer. and my form of art My form of art is my writing How's that book coming? And my art You know what, Sean?

It's coming just fine, okay? You know what? You sound like my fucking editor. It's coming just fine, Sean. Don't worry about it. What's the over under? Let's take another bet. Over under on done with the book.

20 billion. 20 billion weeks from now? That sounds about right. That'd be a good bet. Look, let's not take bets we're going to lose and I'm talking about you guys. I'm protecting you guys. Oh, thanks.

From, yeah, I'm saving your money for you. Where would we be without art guys? Huh? Maybe the bottom of the ocean. Yeah. Because that's where we find a lot of ancient artifacts and art. A lot? A lot.

Fair amount. Fair amount. Decent amount. We found some. Of art? Yeah. We found what? The point is, Dick.

It's always the first place I look. You know what? Bottom of the ocean. Yeah. You go to a fucking museum. I need something for this wall. I need something for this wall. Let me take a swim.

Have you ever been to fucking Greece, Sean? Every fucking piece of art in the museum is from the bottom of the ocean. Oh, this was ripped off by pirates and they were taking it to Ethiopia or wherever the fuck. And they got sunk and now we had to trudge it up from the bottom of the ocean. Still got barnacles and shit on it. Do your fucking homework. Why don't you do some research? Yeah.

Read a book. Oh, God. Yeah, you'd be at the bottom of the ocean. You know what? It's the only thing that we go to the depths of the ocean for it to recover. Nobody goes to the depths of the ocean and recover your business degree. No one gives a shit.

No one gives a shit about your business degree from whatever school. Harvard, BYU, Wharton? Wharton? Lime school? Least of all, Wharton. We go to school for years because we're fed this belief

that we have to get a good job and in order to get a good job, we need to go to school, and then we need to do well in school. So then we finally graduate and get our jobs, and we're sitting around in our cubicles, bored out of our minds,

waiting until the clock hits five, so we can punch out and spend our free time doing something we like. Drinking. Or for most people, it involves going out with friends to see a movie, play video games, reading a book, or going to a museum, all things that involve art. Maybe if you're a chick. If it was just guys, it would be, hey, let's go drink. So art's a big solution for women, I agree. I'm busting your balls.

Yeah, I know, I know. Yeah, you know, you can drink in museums. Oh. Really? You have to sometimes. You can drink in an art gallery. Yeah. And that, you know what?

Maybe that's the perfect combination of solutions. Art and beer. They go together better than any of the other solutions on that list. Nuclear power and beer, not so much. No, never. Never mix drinking in nuclear power. Shoes and art? Nope.

No. Ask the Russians. Ask a Russian. John of the Zinger. You know what else you go to the bottom of the ocean? for welding. That's true. You got to weld at the bottom of the ocean.

And the only reason you have to weld at the bottom of the ocean is to make shit like oil platforms to trudge up oil and then put in your cars to take you to museums. Art is the biggest solution in the universe, guys, voted up. Art. But seriously, all joking aside,

everything we make money for is then spent on art. You're buying t-shirts with art on it. You're buying posters. You're buying paintings. You're spending your time watching fucking TV, you go to movies, you go to, you play video games, you, uh, I would say,

I wouldn't say sports is art, sports is not art, I thought you would have had a much more stringent definition of art, me too. Why? I mean, art is so fucking, uh, ambiguous, these days, anything's art, potentially. You're saying that sarcastically, though. Yeah, I am. Yeah, so, Sean's right. That's what I thought. Well, what would you say, Sean? What would you say?

Why aren't sports art? What about figure skating? Uh, okay, figure skating can have some artistic elements to it. What about boxing? The martial arts. That's true. Martial arts. Those are arts, Dick.

Good point. Yeah. You get a ding for that. Thanks. Yeah. Martial arts? What else? The lethal...

Is that lethal arts? What about an eating contest? Is that an art? No, it's not an art form, man. Here's the thing. I originally thought that it was the most universal way of communication, but it's not... Math? Math.

Math is the most universal way of communicating. Because you can communicate to aliens with math. Yeah, think about it. Yeah, but what can you communicate? Only dumb math. No one cares about that. Haven't you seen the... What's the satellite?

The radio satellite in South America, the Erecebo? Yeah. When they blasted that... It was basically a binary code that shows a depiction of humans in binary. Yeah. There you go. Yeah, but I don't...

If there's aliens that pick up that math and get information from that... Cool. I don't want to talk to those aliens. Why? I want to talk to the aliens that, like, watch, you know, The Rock and are like, oh, that's a good movie. Those are the aliens I want to talk to.

You know what I'm saying? Like, if there's aliens, they all know what a sun looks like. They all probably got oceans. They're all impressed by the same majestic things that we are. Right? The Rock? Wait, hold on. The movie The Rock, starring Sean Connery and Nicholas Cage.

An alien will be able to understand that. No, they won't. Of course they will. You don't need words to understand The Rock. You can tell, that's why Michael Bay is such an exceptional filmmaker. That was Michael Bay? Yeah. You can see the movie transcends dialogue and words.

It's entirely visual. Like, you don't need to see that guy say, you totally fucked up your Ferrari. You can see on Nicholas Cage's face, and he's like, that's not my Ferrari. You don't need that dialogue. An alien could totally understand that without math. You don't even math in the way.

No, I think, I disagree. I don't think aliens would understand the Rock. They wouldn't know what Alcatraz is. They wouldn't know what Nicholas Cage is. It's a prison. By the way, I barely understand Nicholas Cage's crazy. easy-ass emotions half the time. Have you seen Kiss the Vampire?

No, I haven't seen that. It's bonkers. I really think you could communicate with an alien with art. With art better than... Yeah, because they're going to need... Aliens will need a color spectrum. Like, they will have evolved on their planet. Buddy, you don't know aliens, okay? You're going to communicate to them with objects here on Earth,

depictions of objects here on Earth? Look at abstract paintings. I do. It's just colors. Yeah. Haven't they sent out satellites with pieces of art in them? Yes. The Voyager.

Yeah. It's about 114 million miles away from Earth. Yeah. Uh-huh. There's a gold-plated record. It's right past the target down the street. In Anaheim. You don't think aliens could look at art and understand it the same way we're affected by it?

Here's the thing, Dick. You have to make assumptions about those aliens, right? Of course. That they have the same color spectrum that we do. That's reasonable. Why? Well, okay. So let's start with water.

Right. If that's necessary. Let's say, I'm assuming that that's probably necessary for life. Well, that's blue. There's not going to be a planet in the universe that it's not blue on. Water's not blue. What do you mean it's not blue? Water, okay, now I'm gone completely insane.

What do you mean water's not blue? Look at it. It reflects our atmosphere which reflects a certain wavelength of sunlight, and that's why it looks blue. It's not actually blue. But I get what, I get what your point. Your point is. Nothing has a color.

if we're going to get that technical about it. That's my point. With alien physiology, you don't know what wavelengths resonate with them. The reason we see, like, our stop signs are red, and our lights mostly in our houses are yellow, is because that's how we have evolved for our lights to pick up the most,

the frequency of light that we pick up most readily is the yellow wavelength because of our sun. So you're making an assumption about aliens. No, it's not true. It's green. No, it's yellow. We're way more... No, we have way more rods and cones for green than anything else.

Because we need them to survive in the wild. Like, that's my whole point. If you assume... I mean, you can get very technical about it. But let's say there's water. It's going to be blue or whatever they perceive it at. You know, there wasn't a word for blue? That was one of the last colors that was named.

Like, if you look back at all the old historical text, they call it like red wine or purple, because they didn't have a name for blue. Anyway, it's going to look... Water's going to look like what it looks like. Yeah. There's going to be plant life that's going to look what it looks like. It's going to be green.

Whatever alien species it is that will have crawled out of the primordial ooze will need to protect itself from predators in an environment that's green. That's why so many predator species are green to blend in. So we evolve to spot them. All of the colors that evoke responses from everyone is like blood red, greens, peaceful, blues, calming, majestic, yellow is beautiful like the sun. Yellow and white comes from light in the sun. Like, all of those things will be consistent. I think. I think you could communicate with an alien with art.

That's all I'm saying. Yeah. And math is for nerds. Yeah. Yeah, well, blue, like certain colors, what they mean here on Earth, I can only imagine what they would mean to an alien. They may mean something totally different. You have no idea.

But math is universal. You can communicate in binary with anyone. Any way, you find, you pick anyone off the streets. Talk to them in binary. What are you going to talk to them about? The day? More by... What are you gonna talk about with the only math?

You're gonna talk to them about art. Yeah, exactly. So just show them a picture. It's easier. Pictures worth a thousand math. How that's saying goes. What if they don't have fucking eyes? What if they're just a bunch of bat people?

Oh, please. Go write for Star Trek. That's retarded. Oh, great. Art is the biggest solution, guys. Really, I just think about life a lot of times. You know, when I'm meditating on my bed. Not actual meditating, because that just makes me.

angry. Jerking off, you mean. Yeah. Yeah. And I think about life, and I think about what we do with our money, because we're working so hard every day. You know, every day we're hustling, and we're trying to get that dollar, and what do we do with it?

We just spend it on art. That's essentially, because we have nothing else. No one's spending money to see fucking people, accountants do business. No one wants to see that. Although, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm wrong. People want to watch other people play video games. People want to watch other people play poker.

Maybe there's a channel out there that'll evolve with people watching. other people do accounting. Who knows? Hmm. You know, there's this... That's Farmville. Yeah, basically. Yeah.

It's farmville. That's like every Sim City. Whatever that box is called when people are gratified by those stupid... Is that still a thing? Farmville? Yeah, is there still a Facebook?

Are there still chicks? Then Farmville's still a thing. Are there still moms? Yeah, Farmville is a thing. There are people who get addicted to that, too. Their kids die. Okay. Vote up internet addiction.

That's it. That's all my solutions for this month. All right, guys. solutions this month were welding and art. Mine are shoes. Meditation. It was meditation. I was doing some just there. You're too deep in meditative thought right there. I'm going to give it a shot, maybe. I think you should. You know what? Let's all meditate. Sean, you too.

Sativa, Sean. I know you know a thing or two about meditation, buddy. Fuck off. Let's all meditate and report back next month and see how we feel afterwards. Okay. Let's give it a real shot. I'm totally serious. Let's do it for at least three and let's do it the same type of meditation too. So we're not all doing goofy things like sweat lodge meditation. Wait, why? Well, because then we don't have, we don't have consistency.

We have to have the same. Okay, sure. What do you, what's your, oh, how did you meditate, Dick? Oh, Dr. Jameson, yeah. A glass, oh my God, maybe when I was 12.