The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Bonus Episode 4

Episode Date: May 11, 2018

Welcome to the biggest solution in the universe. I'm Maddox with me, is Dick Masterson. Hey, what's up, buddy? Man, that theme song gets me every time. It's pretty badass still. And Sean, our audio engineer, and we have a small in-studio audience today. Sean, I'm sorry, I cut you off. Go ahead.

You're going to say... Hi. So glad I'm ready. Dynamite drop-in, Sean. So dynamic. So at the top of the show, we should mention. One of our fans sent in this bingo card that he made. What's the guy's name, Dick?

His name is at Call Ducops IDGAF which we all know means I don't give a fuck That's his Twitter handle Right and we link to it on episode number 37 But this bingo card is incredible Something you can play along if you're listening

We have a bunch of squares on here Like Maddox makes a comment about Apple Very likely Go upvote monkeys Which you should by the way idiots That doesn't count Dick makes a logical I don't even know what that is.

Yeah. I don't know that you can't. Dick versus Dick segment. Let's get to a real problem. Anyway, these are all squares. If you hear these things and you're playing along at home, you've downloaded the score card, I imagine, or the bingo card, mark them off.

We've decided we're going to play in studio today, and whoever wins gets a nice compliment from every other loser. Everyone who lost in the studio. Yeah. Okay? That's a good prize. As far as we're concerned, that's kind of the ultimate. Humiliation is making one of us say something nice about the other, right? So that's a good

ass price. We should also say that we do have a small studio audience in here today. Randy, who's been with us for a couple episodes and a very lovely lady. Yeah, very lovely lady. Jessica's with us and Sean. And so we're all playing today and... Can't emphasize the loveliness enough, can we? Okay, Dick. So let's get this out of the way. Who won? Nobody won because it's not a concept. Somebody, it's not even a contest for solutions. It feels like for the solutions it should definitely be a winner. It's absolutely not.

Because they're all winners, Dick. At the end of the day. So wait, where is this? What? It's not a contest. I believe that is one of the squares. Oh, okay, hold on. And we mix these.

I also want to say that Maddox brought in all the same game board for everyone to play bingo with when we first started this game. So we had to change them around. Okay. There we go. So anyway Everyone go ahead and mark them I'll edit this out What the fuck is it?

It's Maddox or it's not a contest Oh yeah That's where's it I'm gonna save it No we should Yeah it should be more of a scavenger hunt Really? I think everyone should keep them secret We'll be working busy doing the show

Dick so it's not fair Alright who won seriously let's go Who won? If you can't find it you lose All right Nobody won dick, but the solution that came in top last time was genetic engineering. Oh, yeah, that was a good problem. We talked all about having two dicks. Yeah, yeah, weird.

And surprisingly and bafflingly, the hashtag free the nipple campaign. Yeah. Which I guess I supported. And then more nudity, the International Genital Index, you guys didn't think was that much of a solution. Well, I'll tell you why. because you said you would lead the charge on that by posting your genitals online, and you didn't. I didn't see your balls or your penis anywhere on the internet last month, did you? I did.

Did you put them up there? Did you start the index off? Yeah, I don't know who put them there. Next thing I know, the first, I turn on my internet, next thing I know, I'm looking at my dick. Look, guys, you don't think it's that big of a solution, then fuck you. I'm not putting my dick online. All right? Get fucked.

All right. That's bullshit. And this is the thing that pissed me off the most, Dick. Go ahead. Rude people came in negative. That means you guys think that rude people is a problem, not a solution. Now, because I think what we discovered was that you weren't, you were talking about assertive people. Like this guy, Simon Kempthorn, I got a comment here, wrote in.

I actually think Dick had a point about where to draw the line with rudeness. Rude people could be a potentially great solution, but there is still some sand that needs to be brought to the beach. I think he summed it up eloquently. That's a reference to the butcher metaphor or saying of bringing sand to the beach and taking sand to everything. No, I think

rudeness caused all of the problems you were talking about though. Remember that? It was like people not being a good host and people taking up too much room. Driving like an asshole, Dick, is rude and it's a good thing to do. Because if you drive like an asshole,

you're getting where you're going quicker and you're making one less car on the road. Yeah, but here's a problem Being rude also means driving across two lanes of traffic. So that more rudeness is not a fix for the problem. It's not a good solution. Well, it has to be righteous rudeness. Yeah, you should have used that then. Righteous rudeness?

Righteous rudeness, yeah. Oh, damn. You know what, I'm going to update the database. Well, Maddox, before you do that, I think you know what it's time for. It's time for you to watch 30 seconds of Titanic. Fuck you, dick. That doesn't count. That doesn't count. That's during the normal episodes.

It's the solution. It counts. It counts. I'm taking my headphones off. Well, I'm going to describe it to you. You can hear my voice. I'm going to hold my breath. You remember where we let...

Good, hold your breath because we're about to go under the sea. Where we left off last time is the Titanic title card thrilled us after we saw all those people waiting for the Titanic, all those historical figures. Bullshit. All right? Now we're going underwater. I want you to watch this, Maddox. I'm not watching.

I will not look. I'm never going to watch this movie. The sea is full of mystery. Go ahead, play, Dick. The sea is full of... You're not... You're not curious. about what's under the sea?

Yeah, I'm curious as an explorer, not as somebody who's going to watch the... I will never watch the Titanic. We're about to meet some really great explorers. Okay, go ahead and press play. I'm not watching it. I looked away. Look at that light.

What could it be? I don't know. There's a light. Oh, you hear that beep sound? I don't. That's submarines. Is it a light? I don't even know.

I'm going to show it to everybody. Yeah. Look at that cool diving, like robot guy that they got. Cool. There's a whole fleet of them. You're punishing our fans. Dick.

That's what you're doing. You're punishing. them. Everyone likes Titanic. I think our fans love Titanic. Nobody likes Titanic. Wait, wait, wait. Okay, so you got that there's like scavenger.

Look at that. That's cool. I don't know what, I don't know what's going on right now. That's underwater machinery, dude. Oh, wow, cool. They found the Titanic. Is that what's going on? Who gives a shit?

We don't know. We'll find out next time. They found something. They found something underwater. Yeah, go ahead, you morons. Go ahead and vote up Dick's problems. Dick's solutions. This is what you're going to get.

I got gloats about winning on the Bing. go right there. Gloat's about winning on bingo. All right. I also have, you remember we did a wine test last bonus episode. We did a wine test, Dick, yeah. So you lost. You lost the wine test.

Do you remember that? No, I won the wine test. Okay, you think, okay, here's a recap. For those who haven't listened to the last bonus episode yet, if you haven't purchased it, check it out, but listen to the recap of the wine contest. I simplified it for us. I got the first part of it and the last part of it. So here we go.

So we have six glasses, and I want you, Dick, to try them all and to see if you can rank them from most expensive to least. Okay, that was the requirement. That was all you had to do. And here is the result. All right. So D is my top. What is the actual ranking? D is your top.

Interesting, Dick. That is an $18 wine, buddy. You thought an $18 wine was way better than one that was twice the price. Yeah, so you failed. The one objective. Okay. However. However, UserCube sent in a chart of my data, right?

Here's what he says. Here it is, according to Maddox's own bullshit wine tasting study, a simple graph of your rankings versus the actual prices shows a positive correlation between what you like and what you'd pay. And here it is, Maddox, you feast your eyes on that graph. It is a squiggly graph that indicates, as prices increase, my ranking went up. That's a positive correlation, you jackass.

He has six data points, and he has a line drawn through, like a slightly upward slope. That's what you're... That's called the stats, buddy. This is enough to prove global warming. It's enough to prove that I can taste wine. That's not a stance, you dumb shit. Positive correlation. My ass, there's a big dip in that, by the way, and that big dip is the lowest wine that you also happen to like.

You ranked it as a tie with the most expensive. And then you try to justify that as some kind of victory by saying, well, see, that's what I would have ordered in a restaurant. No, Dick, you wouldn't have, because you wouldn't have ordered the cheapest wine, knowing you would have if you tasted them both and thought that they both tasted good after the fact, but you wouldn't have ordered it ever to begin with. Is there a square on this bingo for jibber-jabber?

Because that's what that was, Maddox. That was some jibber jibber. Oh, actually, yeah, there is. It's a story about Dick hooking up with a girl. There we go. I'll mark my name off. UberCube goes on to say The key is that you said

Generally expect more expensive wines to taste better Which I did The black line indicates that I did And and I also picked your wine as shit wine So that's that's two birds in the Well I fucked that one I'm already That's a twofer man

That's a two fur Yeah bring two birds of the beach Dick I think that's the saying I brought two birds of the beach on that one Good job Anyway Dick You got any voicemail I do

here's somebody who wants to talk about freeing the nipple. Hey guys, this is Chris from Maine. It doesn't really matter what town. There's no shit about Maine anyway. A big fan of the podcast. Want you to keep up the great work. This is one thing to say about this free the nipple thing. I think if it really takes off and women are allowed to start one,

the streets are topless, then they need to give up their right to be offended by random boners in public. And one more thing, if the cost control is going to help me out a little bit. that go fornicate myself. Oh, okay. Take your boner out of here, Chris. Yeah, I don't know, man.

That's a good point. If you're walking around the streets, you run into some random boners, that'd piss me off. Yeah, actually running into them, yes. Could you imagine being 13 and, like, it's okay to be topless? Oh, my God.

Holy shit. I masturbated to catalogs back in the day. Imagine, like, an actual boob? When's the first time you saw a boob, Dick, in real life, a real boob that wasn't your moms or sisters? Um, it was at, it was at this weird, it was at this weird, like, um, cowboy fantasy place, like one of those historical reenactment places. Yeah. And I remember being there with a bunch of guys my age. We were probably like eight. And for some reason, we're talking about a real boob, like not a picture of a boob. For some reason, one of them said he saw a boob.

Like some girl was changing into one of those, like, bustier things. Oh, like one of the performers? So we all ran back like the little rascals. And I guess committed a sex crime by trying to spy on this girl changing. Sexual assault. Arrest him, buddy. Yeah, but I saw some really amazing side boob through this, like, all these girls were kind of like whipping off their clothes and changing real fast. And I was like, yeah, the guy was right. That kid was right. God bless him. I can't remember his name. See, that was the very first deposit you made in your spank bank. Yeah, I remember it vividly.

Yeah, it's a precious memory. I've never jerked off to it, though. I should change that. Whoa. Wait a second. You saw a boob for the. first time you never jerked off to it? No, dude, I was like seven or eight. Like, I don't, you don't jerk off that early. It was before a time when I remember jerking off. I don't remember a time I didn't jerk off.

You came out of the womb like that? I've been killing nine months, roping the putt, and now here I am. Surprise, surprise. Doctors pulled me out. Hey, mom, give me some soup. And my correspondence. That was Sean laughing in the background. Where's that?

I already marked my... That wasn't even... I didn't even have an umbilical cord. It was just a string of semen they pulled me out with. Oh, God! This guy also has something to say about Free the Nipple. Jonas Hassel. Maddox is right about hashtag Free the Nipple.

Remember how you said it would become ordinary and mundane to see nipples, women's breasts? Yeah. He says, Manix is right and how it'll become ordinary and mundane if there's tits flying everywhere. I mean, wasn't it. ankles and knees hot shit back in the day

when the swimsuits was long as fuck? I didn't read this before I read it. Also, look at hair in Burka infested societies and then an X and an uppercase D which is like a laughing face. Yeah, laughing face. Yeah, I read that comment. He actually makes a good point. Yeah, hair, knees and ankles were hot shit

way back in the day when people wore those god-awful one-piece swimsuits from the 20s. You remember those? They weren't hot shit. Needs and ankles? If you've never seen a knee or an ankle, see it for the first time, you're going to jerk off to it, buddy. I'm going to jerk off to a knee.

I'll jerk off to a knee. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Why? Why? You don't think knees are precious? If you've never seen one before, you're not going to jerk off to it? It's like the knobbiest, most utilitarian thing there is. Nobody's jerking off over knees.

Yeah, ergo nipples. Nipples are arbitrary lumps of skin that we're just fetishizing because we're so obsessed with them. They're sensitive. They're sensitive. and they're erotic. Knees are sensitive, man. Knees are not sensitive.

Knees get all busted up and, like, scarred over a lifetime of crawling around. I don't know what kind of rough sex you're doing with knees, but with me, I make love to knees. You're fucked. You've never gotten a knee job?

No. Yeah. No, I've humped a couple of knees, but I've never gotten a knee job. Okay, there we go. Now, I've been fucking around. Now you did the real thing. Hey, speaking of sex,

this listener had a question for you. Hey, fellas. I was wondering if Maddox can retell the story of how he inadvertently found out his mom has never given his dad a blowjob. Because you guys were discussing how Maddox's mom gets worse every week. And she is pretty terrible. He should get AIDS, never given his dad a blow job. Come on now. Anyways, I need to tell this story to my girlfriend, actually, and they find it troublesome to believe how your dad never gotten a blow job. Okay. Wait a minute. Do you think he's trying to talk his girlfriend into giving him more blow jobs? Oh, that's what it is.

Yeah, you got to always look for the angle. It's always about blow jobs. Yeah, it's always about blow jobs. I don't know if you want to tell that story. I don't want to hear it, but that guy did. I'll tell you the story, because here's why. My mom doesn't quite understand the internet and or credit cards and payment systems. So she'll never buy these bonus episodes.

I'm going to go ahead and tell you the story. That's secretly why I brought it into the bonus episode. Perfect. Well, so I was working at the old telemarketing company a long time ago, and my mom called me one night. I was there really late at night. She called me at midnight. Around the time people would be in bed.

And she said, she called me crying. And she said, Maddox, I saw the most awful thing on the internet. I said, what's wrong, mom? She said, I was looking at the news and went to some website and went to another website, and I saw this little girl dancing in the corner of my screen. She was dancing, dancing, dancing. My mom said. So she said, why is she dancing?

I'm going to click. I'm going to see why she's dancing. And my mom clicked on it. And it took her, of course, this is like in the early 2000s. Oh, yeah. A billion pop-ups of porn websites. And she said she said she saw the most awful things you can imagine. And I imagined like the best things, you know, just, you know.

Like knees. Neas. Six guys on one knee. Fuck you, dick. If you've never seen the knee, you're going to jerk off. to it. That's a guarantee. No, no, because I've never seen, like, the inside of an ear, and I'm not going to jerk off to that, just because it's something I haven't seen.

Like, I'm not going to get one of those doctor, like, E-N-T stethoscopes and look in a chick's ear and then start jerking off. In the office, it's the same thing. What if it looks just like a vagina? You're not going to rub one out? Then I'm jerking off to a vagina. Yeah, except it's an ear. You know, if you put two knees next to each other, they look like a bum.

Okay. Fat knees look hot. Anyway. So my mom's telling me about all these horrible things she's seen. And then she started to describe something. She said, and Maddox, I saw something so terrible. You'll never believe it. I said, what did you see, Mom?

She said, okay, you know what Ms. Lewinsky did to Mr. Clinton? I said, yeah? She goes, I saw that. And then that's when I realized my mom has never given my dad a blowjob. She couldn't have possibly given him a blowjob, ever. She doesn't even have, it's not even in her vocabulary. She doesn't even know how to explain this, this obscene sex act that she saw. Really?

Yeah, and I thought my poor dad. My poor dad has never gotten a blood job from my mom. You sure she wasn't just trying to be like demure with you and secretly she really knows what's going on? Oh, my mom is fucking not demure. I got more stories, buddy. She's talked about my dick. She's talked about terrible. Oh yeah.

My mom is, uh, she's got a mouth on her. She's not demure at all. Wait till you hear about her talking about lesbians. I'm going to get her in as a guest on one of these. shows one time. And I'll get her talking about lesbians. Oh yeah, bring her in on Mother's Day. Please, God. Yeah. Yeah, that would be a great show. When is Mother's Day? I always ignore it. I don't know. Without Facebook, I would never know. Yeah. So my dad's never been blown by my mom. So, poor guy. Good voicemail. I think your dad is, he's jumping off roofs. You said that he's always

calling off of him. He's trying to kill himself. Jumping up. Maybe the woman she saw was just ruining a guy's presidency. Not blowing him, right? You mean actually what Lewinsky did to Clinton? No, never mind. Yeah, all right. All right. Is there a space for my jokes not being funny on this bingo?

Nope. You want to get to some solutions? Maddox. Let's get to some solutions, Dick. What's your first solution this week? Encrypt everything. Okay, again, you fucked up the way you... Dick, you sent that to me in an email,

and I thought you were just in a hurry and you were going to correct it when you said it on air. It's encrypting everything. You need to add a Jaron to that. I was. I was going to fix it before I got to the air, but I forgot. Encrypting everything. Encrypting everything. Okay. Why is that a solution?

Well, you know, do you know what the EFF is? I assume you do, but I'm going to say it just in case some people don't know. It's the Electronic Frontier Foundation. Right. They're a benevolent online organization, nonprofit, full of smart people and lawyers. And their sole purpose is to protect your rights online. Right. Right. Protecting your right to privacy and like they're the they're the people who defend legally people who can't defend themselves when it comes to cyber crimes or hacking and stuff like that.

They're like the ACLU of the internet. I thought you were going to say the A team of the internet. They're like the A-Tee of the internet. They're like the ACLU of the internet, right? Sure, sure. So they released a, God, I don't know what you'd call it. It's a gigantic document this week called a game plan for ending global. mass surveillance. Do you see that? No. What is it? Well, you know, it's an interesting document. However,

it kind of just brings up things you can do legally to pressure governments around the world. Like, right now, everything online is known by the NSA and like the five eyes, whatever five countries

who are our buddies, our friends. Britain, Germany, Yeah, Canada. They're all just sending our data around amongst each other for laughs, basically. Yeah. Right? And I really don't like that. I don't like the thought of all these dudes, these vultures behind the scenes,

like these men in black and these cigarette smoking a-holes, like the X-Files, looking at all the porno and erotic stories I'm reading online. These goons, yeah. Yeah. When I think of the government, I like to picture, like, a guy, like a dad who has like nine daughters and like an Italian wife like Angelo's mom

and all of his daughters are like that and he's just kind of like yeah I don't know I don't know what's going on man like they're all just everybody's just running amok and running out of control and I have nothing to do with it and I'm barely I have barely enough power to kind of exert influence every once in a while

but that's it but that's not what the government's like because they know everything yeah they got like a five they got their own They got a copy of everything that we do online. And it really pisses me off. So you think that encrypting everything is the solution to prevent government from snooping? Well, I would like to think that it would stop it.

Yeah. Because that's what they say. Wouldn't we all like to think that? Yeah, but, you know, it's a very complicated problem, and the ease of access to our data is only part of it. Yeah, you know, Dick, I took a number theory class in college, and in that class, it was one of the best classes I've ever taken. In that class, they taught us about, it's a really fascinating class, by the way.

Here's a quick tangent, but everybody should take a number theory class, even if you've never had any higher level mathematics, even if you don't understand calculus, number theory is a different branch of mathematics that has nothing to do with all that other shit that you don't know how to solve. Anyway, they taught us how to find prime numbers. That's one of the main things in number theories is they're obsessed with trying to find all the prime numbers and trying to find if there's a pattern in prime numbers, right? And with prime numbers, that's how we create encryption. And that's how these guys came up with the RSA. They used prime numbers to create the RSA encryption algorithm, which is supposed to be unbeatable.

They taught us that encryption algorithm in my number theory class. However, that encryption algorithm that's unbeatable is not the one that we use in the industry. The one that we use in the industry has a backdoor, and that back door is available and accessible to most private, most intelligence agencies around the world. Yeah, which I hate. I also brought that because I don't know if I've talked about this much,

even with you, but I also took math in college. I took discrete math in college, and I dropped out... Going to hold me. I dropped out briefly to work at an encryption course. company. Are any of these humble brags? Yeah, you're right. That's not humble. You're right. I was going to say for you. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That was a humble brag for you, Maddox. That's everything I say is a humble brag. So I dropped out to join this encryption startup company and, you know, make millions of dollars like everyone else who was joining startups at the time in the 2000s. Of course, I never made a single dime.

But our encryption product was supposed to fix things like this. However, it was impossible to convince people that they should do it. And now 14 years later, it still is. Like, can you, the number one argument against using any kind of encryption online or protecting anything. And of course, it only works if everyone is doing it, right? Sure, it's like herd immunity, anti-maxers, voted up, people. Exactly. When everybody's, when only bad, when only bad guys are encrypting stuff, it's easy to be. Like, when only people who are trying to hide something are doing it, it's easy to be. But if everybody's encrypting everything, then they can't get your stuff. Yeah. Well, you can't even get people to install new versions of operating systems or

web browsers or to say pay for a bonus episode to listen to their son talking about their parent, not giving their father a blowjob. So how can you get these people to encrypt their computers? No, I don't know. And that's why I left it kind of as encrypt everything because I didn't really know what to call this problem. But I think there needs to be a quantum leap in the way data is shipped around on the internet. And I wanted to get your opinion on it. You have this encryption product that you worked on. Why not just release it open source and let everyone encrypt everything all the time? Because it still requires fundamentally changing the way people send their data around.

Like you can't easily post stuff to Facebook. You can't easily put stuff in the public eye if you're using encryption at all. Like Google wouldn't exist if everything was encrypted. It just wouldn't. It would just be a huge pain in the ass for everybody. Why? Aren't there tour networks that encrypts basically the connecting nodes and the connecting points that you go through to? encrypt your, you're basically your trail on the internet?

Right. Right. So this is a, that's a great start. And that's part of my solution. Everybody using something like Tor, right? I don't, I don't know if Tor could tour the encrypting network. Like this little thing that sends a little bit to everybody. Explain Tor for people who don't understand. It wraps, it wraps every piece of data. It's like playing operator in school. You're passing a note to somebody, you pass it to your buddy. You pass, you pass a little bit of the note to everybody. And you say, I want to get it to that guy over there, and I'm writing instructions on how to get this piece to him and giving it to you. So it's a big game of telephone where at the end of the line you might be looking at some porn.

Child porn. Yeah. Child porn and delicit drugs. That's the problem. That's what people really need encryption for, Dick. The majority of conversations online are stupid and ain't bullshit. You know what? I wish it was all encrypted and I couldn't see people's Facebook status updates because they're so fucking dumb.

If they were encrypted with like, I don't know, a 1024 key, I would never fucking use it. I wouldn't even run the risk of accidentally unencrypting it. That would be great. Yeah. It'd make me so happy. Yeah, no, that's part of it, that only drug dealers and crazy porn, people doing illegal porn, whatever flavor of illegal porn that might be. Yeah. Oh, let's imagine.

But the problem is it's not, I mean, you said that, yeah, you don't need it and that only bad guys are doing it, kind of. but it's also having all that data out there. Like recently somebody found that Google's basically saving every place you go. Yeah. And it's just accessible. Of course. That's just not encrypted. Like, none of that's safe.

Where you've been, like, your little devices tracking you around all day, and it's just going to get worse, that's not encrypted. The problem is when you get that data to, like, the cops who want to bust you on something, they're not really as thorough as the NSA. You know what I'm saying? You mean when they access that data, you're afraid they're not storing it safely? No, I'm afraid they just kind of want to nail you on things. Yeah, okay.

So that was actually a big point of contention in that serial podcast that everyone was losing their fucking minds over. I didn't listen to that at all. Yeah, I listened to it. I listened to like three episodes, and then by the time I started listening. The last episode had to come out, and all these articles came out summarizing it,

and I said, well, fuck it, I'm not going to spend 12 hours of my life listening to shit if I can just read a Cliffs Notes. So I read the Cliffs Notes, and it turns out that, you know, nothing really happened. So anyway, it sounds like an awesome podcast. That's basically the whole podcast. Like, hey, you know that point where we started from? We're back there. Great.

We made no progress. They don't solve things like we do. No, they should come up with a big solution list, huh? Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, one of the points that they brought up in this guy's court case is he was near a certain cell tower during the time of the murder of this chick, right? So if he was in that vicinity, then they can reasonably conclude that this guy, you know, that's pretty damning evidence. But you could be there for any number of reasons passing by a certain cell tower.

I know myself, for example, you know, you can pass through thousands of cell tower. if you don't turn off your cell phone on a flight, which I don't. Yeah. Yeah. So you're agreeing with me, but it's bad. Yeah, encrypting everything. But, Dick, I guess it's a solution. What's this like utopian ideal you're pitching?

I don't know. I don't know. Because I can't think of one to pitch it. I can't think of a way to pitch it to people when the majority of people think that the NSA spying is just fine. They're in support of it. Well, so the devil's advocate argument here is, there is some good that comes from it, right?

They could potentially snoop out some important information. That's how they caught the terrorists in Belgium before they were able to plan their attack. What, with an essay snooping? Yeah, well, they had informants and snooping. They do everything. They do all sorts of tricks. That's not worth it.

Touristic analysis and all that shit. You don't think it's worth it to me? Yeah, well, you might be right because our founding fathers agree with you, Dick. But... Surprise, surprise. Let's get to a real solution this week. Oh, wait, no, I didn't want.

I wanted to mention this executive order that this whole thing is based on, because I actually think it is important. I read the whole EFF thing, and this was one thing that it could actually change. So the entire power of the NSA to do this to us is by executive order 1233. 12333 that Reagan made before there was an internet, so it didn't matter. And now every president since then has kept signing it in, and they can all just wipe it, right? Yeah. Any one of them can just say, no, they're never going to.

No, they're never going to. Very frustrating. It's like airline fees. Once they add them, they're never going to take them away. Yeah. Prices never go down. Government just gets bigger, right? Okay, here we go, libertarian agenda.

That should be a square on here. Is that a logical fallacy? I don't know. All right, what's your solution? Dick, let's get to a real solution this week, and I'm counting that as let's get to a real problem. Lesbians. Ah?

Okay. There is a solution, buddy. What do you know about lesbians, Dick? I know nothing Dick knows nothing about lesbians This is from the week Oh, I'm good with lesbians Yeah

Yeah What do you mean good with lesbians? No, I have an affinity with them Like I, for some Somehow I understand them And they understand me Great Dick Like you can communicate with each other

Yes, I'm like a lesbian whisperer I really am Yeah What do you whisper to lesbians? It's more about sounds making sounds and movements like a magician. Yeah. You know, Dick, I hate to agree with you on any point like this,

but you do have this weird thing. I've seen you around lesbians. Yeah. It is weird. And I can pick them out, too. I can pick them out too. No, not the ones that are wearing like hockey jerseys, like the ones that look like just like regular girls.

I'm like, oh, you got kind of a lesbian thing going on here. You know, I can too, Dick. I called it. There's this girl I know, and you know her too. I totally called it. And she recently came out. She's getting married to some chick. Hmm.

Yeah. Really big comedian. Anyway, um, listen to this, Dick. Only 19% of Americans over the age of 55 see pornography is a morally acceptable thing to do. And over 49% of Americans age 18 to 34 think that's okay. What does that have to do? Say those numbers again? The percentages?

19% of Americans over the age 55 see pornography as morally acceptable. So the majority, 80% of people over the age 55, see, see, pornography is a moral failing. 80% of people over the age of 55. That means our parents' generation. They think it's a moral failing. Okay. Yeah.

I could see that. Now, why am I talking about pornography? Why do you bring that in? Because of lesbians. Okay? Okay. So, lesbians... Because everything they do is pornographic, so that should be more of them?

No, dude. Okay, listen. When lesbian porn, I feel like, really came into prominence in the early 90s, late 80s. It was like, in the 80s and 70, it was kind of this taboo, hush, hush thing that kind of happened behind closed doors. Yeah. But in the early 90s, lesbians exploded onto the scene. Yeah. Yeah, right?

And so I think that lesbians have pushed forward the civil rights movement for homosexuals. Lesbians, gay, bisexual, you know, LGBTQ, they pushed that forward single-handedly. I didn't know there was a cue on there now. Q is queer. Okay. So that's, I think, all of that. love the above. So the way they did that is

there were a whole bunch of bigots and people who are who were closet homophobes. And I would even say myself to some degree, when I was 16 years old I grew up in Utah and I was a raised in a very conservative state. Conservative family. Gay, gays to me were this

disgusting thing. I mean, gay sex still is to me. Really? Well, sure. Oh, that's interesting. Yeah. I grew up that way. All my friends were like that. They were like, yeah, this is the gross thing, you know. We don't talk about it. We don't think about it. And then I remember the first time I got onto a BBS

when I was 16 years old, I joined a chat room, and there was a guy in there who was talking about being gay. And I'm like, oh my gosh, this guy's gay. Cool, all right. I got my very own gay to talk to. This is cool. Okay. So the first question I asked this guy, a private message him. It's like an imaginary friend.

Sven. No, this guy's a real dude. The first question I asked him, I remember I messaged him. I said, why are you gay? And he wrote back and he said, Why are you straight? I thought, shit. I don't fucking know.

Yeah, but are you? Yes, Dick. Yeah, anyway. Let's get this sexy listener in the audience to find out. That's what I want to do. Yeah, how's your bingo going, sweetie? Yeah, right. Yeah, right.

It's not a contest. Nothing on this show is a game. contest you're not winning okay I'm sorry what else what else so yeah this guy told me that he basically asked me a question that got that started my line of thinking about this whole homosexuality issue and whether it's a choice

and whether you're born with it etc etc and then I got that would be fascinating to know your thought progression from that yeah because you're such a logical guy but you know you you are who you where you grow up yeah you just get their values automatically pretty much but I reasoned my way into the point into the position

I'm at today. But that was one step of it. That was one step. The second step was when my friends and I first started discovering porn, we came across this entire genre of lesbian porn. And it blew my mind. It was the hottest thing ever. I don't watch it that much anymore because I'm an adult and I've had sex with women

before. So it's no longer this fascination with me. That's not a bag of sand's comment, dick. Okay. Anyway. So I. that also helped progress my thinking. I remember thinking at the time,

I thought, well, this is pretty hot, but it's gay sex I'm watching. I'm watching two women have gay sex together. So I rationalized, I said, well, if I don't have a problem with this, then how can I have a problem with that? And I found that I wasn't the only person who had that kind of connection.

Like people felt like they didn't want to be hypocrites. Yeah, but don't you think they're doing it for your benefit, kind of? Like, for lesbian porn? It's like they're not really, you're not really watching gay sex. I don't know if lesbians are like at home, they're like flinging pillows around and having pillow fights with like calling each other wars, right? Probably not. Probably not.

Yeah, probably not. No, you're right. You're right, Dick. However, there was, I did a lot of research around that time. I picked up books on lesbianism. Oh, yeah. Me too. My research continues. Yeah. Doing research right now. What's on your laptop over there, Dick?

Anyway, I started doing research on lesbian porn. Excuse me, not lesbian porn, at lesbian culture and lesbians, and I started getting to know what it's like. Like what those people are, I became friends with some of lesbians and gay people, et cetera, et cetera. But that was the gateway towards it. And I believe that that's what caused

a precipitous movement in the gay rights movement, I believe, a precipitous moment in the gay rights movement. So let me get this straight. You're saying that lesbian, are a gateway tolerance for people. That's it, Dick. That's it. That's the summary.

Lesbians are the gateway to tolerance. It's like gay light. Yeah. Something homophobes can, like, it can ingest. Yeah. Yeah, it's something homophobes can ingest. It's like, well, you know, you take a little bite. You like a taste of this?

Yeah. And now you've got a big dick in your mouth. Listen to this dick. Have you ever talked to a chick online and you're trying to get her... Once or twice. And you're trying to get her, again, your sister and mom don't count. You're trying to get her to send you pictures of her panties off. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm not that guy. Remember, I go to, like, I go to bikini bars. I don't, try to get pictures of her panties off? You always want nudes, don't you? I just want topless, man. Okay, topless. I don't even find about what's going on down below. Whatever, Dick.

You're not into knees, I found out. Nothing below the waist. Or above the neck Or on either side of the torso That's my sweet spot You're starting from the very left edge of the left ariola To the right edge of the right area I like side boots

Oh you like side move, okay I'm a pod sexual Oh thank God Thank God you're not some weirdo Anyway Dick You're talking to a girl online You're trying to get into the sexy territory With the conversation

Have you ever asked a girl she likes to watch porn. No. What an idiot. Why not? Because I'm too busy asking them about their dads. Oh, great, Dick.

Your stupid fucking pickups are the worst, the worst, Dick. I don't know how you've ever been laid. Anyway, Dick, a normal guy. Knowing me, now by now, everybody listening to the podcast, knowing my actual personality,

my pickup lines are fucking incredible if I ever get laid. Yeah. Right? Yeah. So my lines are like plutonium. But please, continue. Yeah, no.

they're kryptonite. Is that what you meant to say? They're definitely kryptonite. They're like red kryptonite. That's a different kind of kryptonite. It makes Superman go horny as fuck. Only the green hurts them. Okay, dick. Start hearing about your green kryptonite. Listen to this, man.

So when I ask a chick sometimes, when I ask chicks if they watch porn, invariably they say yes, and they say that the type of porn they're into is lesbian porn. Oh, okay. Most chicks I know who watch porn, watch lesbian, porn. Sean's nodding.

Randy, have you ever talked to a chick who looks at porn? Lesbian porn? Randy's nodding. Everybody's nodding. Well, wait a minute. We didn't ask the most

important person in the audience whether she watches lesbian porn or not. She's blushing too hard, so that's a yes. So listen to this dick. I want to get a nod or a head shake or something. Yeah, there's a nod. We got a nod.

Was that a nod about what I wanted or was that a nod about the porn? That was a nod about the porn. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Sean, give her a mic. Can we do that? It's because the lesbian porn is very delicate, and it's actually what the woman wants to feel.

So, you know, if you see a guy porn, they're all rough, and it's like something that the lesbian, or the guy, the girl doesn't like. So my ex said the exact same thing. Yeah. You're suddenly, I'm suddenly remembering, like, when she got into porn, it was for the same reason. Because lesbian porn is done from the woman's point of view, whereas most porn is done as a male's point of view, because it's like kind of like the male fantasy, right? because guys are consuming most visual porn. So I went to cosmopolitan.com, Cosmo. They had a study, they had a survey that they did

with 4,000 men and women that they asked. 73.3% of women, age 18 to 24, say they watch porn according to Cosmo. 73%. So it's probably higher than that, because a lot of people are shy and they lie about that kind of thing. 45% of single women watch porn, and this is interesting, 55% of women in relationships watch porn. Hmm.

So if you're in a relationship, you're actually watching more porn than single women. And 28% of women, when they watch male, when they watch straight porn, male and female, one woman, one man, 28% of them are watching the woman instead of the couple or instead of the man. Wait, 28% of women watching porn are watching the woman? Uh-huh. And these are straight women watching straight porn. They're watching the woman. Oh, okay.

Yeah. And 46% of women admit to watching lesbian porn, whereas only 2% of men have ever watched gay porn. Which sounds like it correlates to the amount of gay men in the population, right? My head's going to explode. You've got porn and all these numbers to keep track of all at once. Like, I want to listen. Usually I just snooze out at the numbers, but then you're talking about porn, so...

Well, see, I like porn and I like math, so I'm getting a power boner, buddy. 63% of men have never watched gay porn, and only 15% of women say that they haven't watched lesbian porn. Only 15% of women have deprived themselves of the wonderful, wonderful world of lesbian porn. So, lesbian porn is a solution because, A, it has moved the civil rights movement forward for gays. Yeah. You know, people are more likely to be receptive to same-sex marriage. Because I believe because of lesbian porn.

You can see, I have a graph here from, I believe it's from Pew, the Pew Research Center. In 2009 and 2006, there were two big jumps in the attitudes of gay marriage. From 2006 to 2014, it's increased precipitously. But it's generational, too. Our generation is way more likely in favor of gay same-sex marriage than the silent generation, which is what they call it. The silent generation is 1928 to 45. Baby boomers.

Oh, the matures. The matures, yeah. They're opposed. Only 35% of them are in favor today of same-sex marriage. Whereas the baby boomers, if you were born from 1946 to 64, they classify you as a baby boomer, and only 46% are. Then Generation X is 65 to 80. That's 53% and then millennials, 1981 or later, 67% in favor of gay marriage.

This graph looks like a big old boner. It does look like a big old boner, buddy. You fucked something up, though. You should call this solution lesbian point. Not lesbians. Nah. Lesbian porn couldn't exist without lesbians. Yeah, I guess, but lesbians are also a big problem.

Why are they big problem, Dick? Because they're taking our women. All right? No, they're not. Every lesbian couple you see. Yeah. That's competition. No, Dick, they're not taking.

No, they're not. They're not. They're taking other lesbian women, which were never in our dating pool to begin with. Logical fallacy. Exactly. Here's one other thing, Dick, and this is my last point about lesbians. It's also a form of population control.

There are fewer people having kids. I know they can adopt and in-vitoral, but adoption's great. They're taking kids who need parents and giving them parents. Yeah. So that's my argument with lesbians, man. Biggest solution in the universe. Vote it up. Here's another problem with lesbians, though.

What? They kill your game. Man. Have you ever tried picking up a girl with a lesbian as a wingman? With a lesbian as a wingman Now most of my Most of my wingmen Are straight women or you

Yeah, I'm good I'm good at it You are good You are good and there's one other person We both know mutually Who's excellent wingman I've had some really shitty women wingman Who is it?

Oh our Chinese friend That's the guy Yeah he's amazing He's amazing He's amazing It's like the James Bond of wingmen No I tried to I was talking to this girl

At a bar And I was there with my friend Who's a cue I guess Can you say queer if they say They got it on the sign I know here you're talking yeah She identifies herself as queer yes So I can say it as much as I want

Yeah All right I was there with a queer Is that wrong Am I allowed to do that The way you're saying it You're getting too much joy out of it Oh because I haven't been able to say this since like 1992

So I was there with my friend And we both noticed this girl So I'm like Oh game on let's let's go talk to this girl We get over there, and she's like a 13-year-old boy that's seen a booby for the first time. Like just shooting pickup lines and, like, compliments and spaghetti out of her pocket, like a pasta machine. I was like, oh, my God. What?

What? Like, I start laughing at this girl's reaction because she's like, I've never, I don't know if this is like a, is this real life? Like, she's looking at this girl with me saying, like, am I getting hit on by a 13-year-old boy? but coming out of... Is this like a freaky Friday thing that I'm witnessing? Dick, you toolbox. You know what happened there? You guys were both gunning for the same girl.

Yeah, but you can do that. You can do that gracefully. Not as a wingman, you can't. If a wingman is there, he's there to support you. And if your target, if the person you're talking to suddenly takes interest in your wingman, your wing man's, as a gentleman, should back down and be like, you know what, I'm going to go to the bar,

get you guys both a drink and try to salvage this relationship. What she did, though, she was winging for the same girl that you were. That's a terrible wingman. That's why lesbians aren't good wingmen. Well, either way, I would have been, it would have been, I would have had better chances with the girl if I had just jizzed in my pants right there and just said like, hey, check that out. Just jizzed my pants. What do you think about that? I think it's pretty gross, dick.

All right. Is that your solution? That's my solution, lesbians. Okay. Here's my next solution. Oh, man, we're running out of time. This is a good one. novel solution

it was suggested to me and I phrased it correctly I think time traveling oh all right well you did phrase it correctly Dick so there you go there's one for you what problem couldn't we solve

with a little bit of time traveling Maddox paradoxes all right I shot you down already let's move on my solution yeah anything else did

Dick? Uh, no, I had written stuff down, but... Okay, Dick, first of all, time travel is rife with paradoxes. I suppose so. What about if it's the kind that it doesn't, that isn't? Oh, the imaginary kind? Well, it's all imaginary. It's not a real fucking thing.

What do you mean time travel? Your solution is so hypothetical. You're both your solutions, everyone encrypting everything and time travel. Great solutions. I'm encrypting everything's going to happen. That's going to happen. Eventually. You know what, Dick?

They've got top minds working on it. Top minds, really. Yeah, they're working around the clock to encrypt everyone's data. The government doesn't want it. Industry doesn't want it. It makes everything more difficult. There's more data encryption. There's more data processing that goes on with encryption.

So what do you think it's just going to be the way it is forever, with everybody basically writing everything they write out in the open? I think people who are worried about the security of their data being stolen, like Target so they don't get another giant-ass lawsuit. Those people will care, and then the rest of the dollars, the 99% who are sitting there posting stupid shit to stupid articles to real pharmacy and worldtruth.tv. TV on my fucking Facebook feed all the fucking time. Those people aren't going to encrypt shit. No, I think there will be like a quantum evolution in the way data is sent around through the internet. Speaking to quantum evolution, Dick, how is time traveling a solution?

Well, besides the paradox, what problem could you not solve with time traveling? Oh, boy. Slackivism. Slackivism. You get all the slacktivists together. You go back in time and you bang their moms. So they're never born. Pretty good.

Pretty good solution. Or I'm the parent of all those people. Here's something you couldn't solve. Wear one of your precious condoms. So they're never born. Yeah, I will wear a condom, Dick. Or I'll pull out. How about that?

Either way, they're not getting pregnant. Not from this guy. So I'm jerking off too much. Anyway. Listen, Dick. Can you get pregnant through the knees? I mean, if you shoot hard enough, sure. I could see that.

Oh, God. You know, I immediately pictured a position where that could be possible. I'd have to be on top, and then they'd have to be kind of like that prone position. No, okay. Anyway, it's getting gross.

Dick, here's something you can solve with time travel. What time is it? How are you going to solve that with time travel, Dickhead? We can go back in time and look at the time and then come back to the future

and say, it's 853, but you're going to be wrong. No, I was going to do one of those stupid. The question isn't, where are we? It's when are we? But then I realized that was the actual question. Yeah.

What time is it? Don't be a jackass. You can solve anything. With time traveling. Not what time is it? What was your last problem? Vintage clothing. Go back in time and get the clothes new, man, when it's cheap.

You've got no more overpriced vintage clothing. Oh, that's true, Dick. With time travel, there would be no vintage clothing. Yeah. It's just clothing. Which is great. I love clothing. Yeah, it's a pretty good solution. Yeah.

So, great, Dick. It's a good solution for no one because it still doesn't fucking exist. It's all theoretical. You're shitting on time traveling? Yeah. What? I knew you brought this in thinking that I'd be all on board. You know what, Dick, I am.

You don't have to be all on board, but you can't even solve what time is it with time traveling? Well, I'm sorry, go ahead. You know, there's all these paradoxes. There are all these people who talk about the paradoxes of time travel, But they say, look, if time travel exists, there was a guy, I believe it was in the New Yorker or some magazine, he wrote this article about how everyone's first thing that they would do with time travel is go back in time and kill Hitler. But he said... What? Yeah, that's what most people say.

Those are liars. No, they wouldn't. A bunch of idiots. People are that altruistic. And also, he made the case that, first of all, the majority of people aren't murderers. You don't have it in you to murder someone. Even if it's Hitler. Even if it's Hitler.

If you went back in time and you were tasked with having to strangle Hitler, could you do that? Could you really fucking do that? I mean, not me or you, but I'm saying in general, the listener, could you strangle Hitler to death? I know I fucking could. But like the majority of people can't, they don't even have the strength. They don't even have the fortitude. They can't hold down a man to strangle him. Are you kidding me?

And then they said, there's that argument. I think it's a comedian. I forget who said this, but he said, if you went back in time and killed Hitler as a baby, then that means you're just a baby killer because no one at the time would have known that Hitler was going to grow up to be this dictator to them you just went back in time and murdered a baby here comes a time traveling dickhead

just boom you know zapping into our time and then just murdering a baby and then leaving you'd have a lot of explaining to do yeah you'd be known throughout history as that one guy who killed a baby and that's it could you live with that on your conscience like actually having imagine strangling a baby

or holding its head down under underwater Like in a bathtub or a sink or a toilet. I don't want to do that. Exactly. So you're not going to kill Hitler. All right, well, this solution's got a lot of problems stacked up. Paradoxes, not killing Hitler. And also I saw webcomic, Dick.

Everyone imagines time travel as this nice, neat thing that happens where you just hop in a machine and you just zap to some time, right? But I saw this webcomic a while back that showed the actuality of time travel that nobody really considers. If you zap out of Earth at a certain time, Earth is going to keep spinning. And if you zap into another time, Earth isn't going to be in the same location that you left from. You're going to zap into space somewhere. Yeah, well, I was talking about the kind of time machine where you could just go back and steal a bunch of famous songs. And pretend that you wrote them. That's what we're getting at, some bullshit.

All right, what do you want to steal, Dick? Whatever. Happy birthday. I'll steal that. Yeah. I wrote it. I'll go back, I'll make up a bunch of, like, fake names, and then steal famous songs. Is that what you would steal?

You wouldn't invest in the stock market? No, I do, like, I do Beatles stuff probably. Yeah. Like, I'd be, I'd just show up, like, a couple minutes before John Lennon and say, like, hey, what's up, guys? I'm your new, I'm your new guitar player. You would get kicked off, dick. No, because I know all the songs. I know all the hits.

I'm not a pain in the ass. Yeah, but they'd be like, here's a little song. He's a little ditty I wrote called Imagine. Yeah, they're like, I don't know. I'm not feeling it. What if they said that? Like, I'm not feeling it? Yeah.

What if I go, what if you go back? So in every era that you go back to, Dick, there's me. Except I'm a different person. I'm in the Beatles. You go back trying to be in the Beatles? I'm there right there. Stick my finger in your pudding. I'd go over to the Beach Boys then.

I know more bands than you. You don't know a lot about bands. Yeah, I'm still there, though. I'd be there, I'd be like, I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing here. And I'd put the veto on whatever you wanted. All right. Again, another problem with this solution.

Yeah, yeah. Okay, Dick, what is one thing you would change in history? If you had a time machine that would make the biggest positive impact in the world? No, I would just use it to get, like, money for myself. Okay. A positive impact? Yeah. On the world?

Oh, God. I don't just rob a bank, Dick. That's feasible. That's at least something that people have done. Like in the past? Yeah. Yeah. No, or in the future, yeah.

A positive impact for the whole world. Yeah. Huh. Something that went wrong. So killing Hitler's one. People often point to killing Hitler. You know who you could probably kill, and nobody would really notice, is Genghis Khan.

That's a big one. Because Genghis Khan, you go back in the era of Genghis Khan. People were dying from all sorts of things all the time. You could poison a baby, get in, get out, no problem. Put in some formula, whatever, feed it to Genghis Khan. No, I know what I would do. I would go back in time to when I thought. of this solution and think of a better solution.

All right, you want to go? Okay, Dick. Let's get to a real solution this week. Is that kind of Dick versus Dick? I got that square on here. That is a Dick versus... Okay. There we go. All right. Is anyone close? I'm one away from winning. We just need a voicemail and a foreign accent,

which I don't think we're going to get since we passed voicemail. Do you have any more voicemails? Yeah, but now that I know you're close, I'm not going to play it. I'm just kidding. I'm just need a zinger about Sean deleting the podcast. Oh, fuck you. There we go. That's it. I can't believe a story about Dick being really drunk hasn't been said yet.

Or a video game reference out of you, Maddox. We'll see. We've got a lot more show coming. Anyway, guys, let's get to another big solution. The biggest solution in the universe, maybe, is abortion. Huh? Yeah. There is a fucking solution.

Abortion. Killing babies. Speaking of killing babies, I feel like we're just continuing the last segment. Well, killing fetuses. Killing fetuses, sure. U.S. abortion rates. So first of all, abortion rates are the lowest level since 1973. I read that.

It's troubling. It's a troubling statistic. It is troubling. Why aren't people aborting more babies? I don't know. You know what, Dick? Have you read the book for economics? Yeah.

One of the opening chapters of that book talked about this effect that abortion has caused. So they mentioned that since the 70s, crime has plummeted in America. It's also plummeted in different countries, and no politicians have come out to take credit for this. The left hasn't taken credit because they've been trying to pass gun control legislation so they could argue that, yeah, it's gun control, we pass this legislation, and therefore crime has lowered. That's not happened.

And the right hasn't taken credit for this, because they've done jack shit, essentially. So why has crime dropped? Well, these two researchers, Stephen Levitt of the University of Chicago and John Donahue of Yale University, wrote a 2001 paper called The Impulse. of legalized abortion on crime. And they pointed to the fact that males age 18 to 24 are most likely to commit crimes. So they looked at the data and they found that crime started to decline in 1992 and they suggested that the absence of unwanted children following the legalization of abortion

led to a reduction in crime 18 years later, starting around 1992 and dropping sharply in 1995. These would have been the peak crime committing years of those unborn children who were aborted. Now, who are the type of people who abort children? Well, they're mostly single moms who get knocked up. They're people who are unwilling and unable to raise their kids. A lot of times they might be delinquents or they just might not be in the right point of time in their life to have a child. I assume that's true, but I don't know if it is. Well, I went to some anti-abortion website, which I don't even want to mention or link to, but they mentioned that. They did a bunch of

research and they found that it's mostly single moms. Well, of course, yeah, of course it's single moms. You're generally going to abort a child because you can't raise it, and you're unwilling to raise it. If you're unwilling to raise a child, guess what? If you're forced to, you're not going to necessarily be a good parent. You're going to be a shitty parent because you've probably made a bunch of bad decisions. Yes, statistically. Like, say, unprotected sex or whatever it was that caused you to have that, right?

Yeah. So these are the parents who are aborting children. And studies in Canada and Australia claim to have established a correlation between legalized abortion and overall crime reduction. Yeah, but you know what? We don't get good movies anymore. Like, and back when they thought super criminals were going to be running rampant today.

Yeah, like Robocop? Robocop. Yeah, we can't have Robocop anymore because all this abortion killed all these future criminals. Yeah, that's a bummer, man. It does depress me that there aren't crime lords. Yeah. There are more crime lords dick.

Look about that. That could be... See, why didn't you mention that as your time travel solution? Go back in crime and make more crime. Just bang a whole bunch of broads. Make sure that Roe versus Wade doesn't pass. Huh? That could make more good movies in the future, Dick.

That's true. We'd have Robocop 3 right now that wasn't total dog shit. Yeah. No, you thought that was dog shit? Robocop 3? No, the remake. The remake was total dog shit. Oh, you're out of your mind.

That remake was great. It was so tame. You don't even like Gore. It was PG-13, though. PG-13, sorry. I forgot I'm a fucking adult. No, I'm against the PG-13 movie, but that Robocop remake was

very good. Very piece of shit. I can't believe you think that. With all like the techno-garbage that they had in it, like the man-machine thing. How dare you? You suck. Garbage. Yeah. Crazy. The whole movie was just like

watching a video game. Everyone that was killed was a robot. Video game reference. That's a video game reference. You didn't like Robocop fighting all those other robots, though? That was cool. That was a video, it was boring, man. He was just destroying a bunch of machines. Machines that you don't care

about. In the original Robocop, you saw someone get blasted and then fall out a window. You saw acid get poured on someone's face. It was gory. It was gritty. It was disgusting. It was everything a Robocop movie should have been. It really felt like Detroit today. It was the first Robocop movie.

Yeah. It was amazing. Yeah. So, and that was probably catching the abortion trend just at the right time. Right before it really had that huge impact. Yeah. So crime was still high from the unaborted fetuses that were criminals. Just like Teenage View Ninja Turtles, the first movie.

Yeah. A lot of crime. Gritty movie. Kids with no parents. Yeah. Now who are people, now who are superheroes even fighting? They have to fight supervillains. We have to invent criminals for them because there aren't many.

Okay, fine, Dick. That's great. Sorry your movies aren't as exciting for you, but for the rest of the world, it's a good thing that abortion is happening. Also, it's a form of population. control, which is keeping our population in check. These kids, these people who are committing these crimes,

we're probably keeping a population in check by homicide. Which would you rather have? Homicide in the womb or homicide outside? Or in the room. Homicide in the womb or homicide in the room? That's what it is. You've got a rhyme slogan, so they stick.

More people think slogans are true if they rhyme. That's true. Yeah. Like, what's the name? Herman Cain's 9-99 plan? Nine does rhyme with 9, Dick. Yeah, that guy's cool. A lot of good ideas. Oh, yeah.

Brilliant, that moron. No, that's a good solution. What do you think about abortion anyway? Murder? You're going to call that murder? You're going to call it killing a person? Would you go that far? No, of course not. My official stance on abortion is that I'm against it, but I am for killing babies.

Are you serious? I know that saying that you have. Are you really against abortion? I mean, insofar as it's the woman's right, I want to have the right to say. But in an, you know, that's an ideal world That I'm in control of all the abortions I would have a button I could press like whoever was gonna get aborted, right? More jokes.

I'd have this big, like telecaster, you know, like, Sean, you know, with your audio engineer bullshit with all the blinking lines Which nobody, I don't know, you can't possibly know what those fucking do No one knows what they do, there's too many buttons They're sliders. Yeah, they're sliders, whatever. They'd control the volume. Yeah, I'd have a giant switchboard like that.

The ones above them have like the balance. Dick, don't show off. Is that a fucking humble brag? you. Is that a story from Burning Man? I don't know. It might be. No. It could be. It could be. No. Anyway, yeah, I would abort- Look, look, man, no, I'm all for

abortion. Abortion's cool. Abortion's just cool. Have you ever done, have you ever had to do the morning after pill? That's a pretty good solution too. I've never taken a morning after pill, but no. I take one after every time just to make sure like just in case. It doesn't do anything to you. It's a hormonal thing for chicks, dude. What are you doing? That's why, what are you growing tits over there? What are you doing

taking the morning after pills? It's like a sympathy thing. I think that was a joke. Fuck you, Sean. Your lip. Fucking, what is that? There's got to be a Sean thing on here. Anyway, Dick, no, I yeah, a few of my dates have had to take morning after pills. You know, it's a precaution.

Sure, why not? Just take it. Just pop one anyway. It's like a tic-tac. Just take one. I don't think it is. She didn't describe it like it was a tic-tac. Well, yeah, it flushes your system. It clears it of toxins, aka your eggs and your ovaries, right? That's a good thing. It's flush that shit, man.

That's fucking gross. Yeah, well, I don't know, man. What would you rather have? A couple of eggs come out or prematurely or an unwanted baby. Just the one. Sorry, let me stop you right there. Is it just one? Yeah, they're not chickens. I don't know, man. They have one egg

a month. What? Yes, that's how, this is... See, when a man loves a woman. No, they have one egg that descends into like their womb that's ready to get impregnated. And then the egg breaks down. Look, I don't know.

What side? What do you mean the dark side or the light side? No, isn't there like two sides where they make little eggs and spiders and shit, all that, you know? Yeah. The ovaries. Yeah.

I don't know, maybe they have a zipper system like when you get on the freeway where one month one comes down and the next month the other one comes down. Right, whatever. It's definitely one egg. It's just one. Whatever cares it doesn't want if it's just one egg how can they fucking bleed for four days

It just should be like one fucking boom you know like a big turd you just dump it out Let's go back in the sack. Let's do this It's your problem did anyone win bingo? No way here no way is that last story a story about I I banged the girl before she had to get the morning after pill Okay, I have it then. Yeah. Read them.

I have a voicemail in a foreign accent. Did we have that? No, we didn't have that. Peter. Which one? That came from a voicemail. The, uh, the, you know, the crazy lady, the mom. You're right.

You're right. Oh my God. You are right. You are dead right. Can I continue, please? Okay, story about Dick hooking up with a girl, Dick versus Dick. You can hear Sean laughing in the background and a nonchalant humble breath. Unbelievable.

I would have won. I would have got it. Oh, Dick versus Dick was time traveling thing. Yeah, I would have won, too. I haven't here. No, you pointed it out. I should win. I think I win.

Is she called bingo? No, I think you guys should compliment me. Ty. Yeah, I'm editing these episodes, guys. Bingo! She said the whole point of bingo is yelling bingo, which is right, Maddox. It's fucking bullshit. Great.

You understand bingo about as much as you understand fallopian tubes. Yeah, I don't give a shit. I don't have one. I don't care. You don't understand knees. I'm not busting your balls about it. I guess everyone's got to give you a compliment then, darling. Okay, oh, great.

Here we go. It's going to get real creepy. I'll start. You are the most beautiful guest we've ever had on this show. You've upped the classiness of this show, several magnitude, several orders of magnitude. Your laughter is infectious. Oh, my, shut up!

And what is your relationship with your father? We're not going to have. Okay, move on. Randy. Sean, you want to go next? It's fucking bullshit. I'm so bad at compliments. Okay. You want to leave it at that?

Probably is best left that way. Okay, great. Randy. Very smart also for noticing the bingo. Great. That's what you want. Looks and brains. The perfect package, really.

I'm getting... I'm breaking out and sweat and hives right now. Okay. If you think lesbians are sensual, you should see me. Oh, my gosh, dick. Go ahead, Randy. Yeah, we see the lesbian whisperer who can't even tell her friend to just pipe down while you're hitting on this chick. Your cue friend.

I was shocked by it. Randy, go. You have excellent taste in comedy. Great. Hey! Oh, awesome. Great. You guys took all my compliments.

Great. All right, Maddox. Let's hear a sincere compliment of you. Here's one. You're not totally shitty at bingo. There you go. Well done. You're welcome.

You're welcome. I meant that sincerely. Okay. Do we have it? Is that it? Dick, do you have any more solutions? Do you have any other horseshit? You know what?

We do have one last solution we wanted to bring in. No, let's bring it in next time. I really want to sit down with you and plan this out. Okay. Do you want to tease it? All right. We will tease it. Sure.

Porn savers? Porn savers. Porn savers. We're going to bring it in. That's our product. Yeah. Yeah. I think you guys will really like that.

This is a joint solution that Dick and I have been brainstorming. We sat, before the show even started, we brainstormed this for, what, 15, 20 minutes? Really, our whole lives. Yeah. It really was a culmination of a lot of things that came up organically. And it goes, it proves my point that the show's not a contest because if you vote for that, literally neither of us could win because it's a joint solution. Yeah, but I came up with the name.

Oh, fuck you. Oh, fuck you, Dick. That's a... Oh, no, that's a voicemail. All right. All right, well, my solutions this week, Dick, were lesbians and abortion. And my solutions were time-traveling

and encrypting everything. Yes, encrypting everything. Dick Jarrans, they're your friends. Anyway, guys, thanks again for supporting this show, supporting this podcast. It's really helping a lot. We got a lot of cool shit coming down the pipes. the live show will be out probably by the time you listen to it.

No, it won't be. No, it'll be about five days. Yeah, after this. Thursday. Yeah, it's coming. Yeah, it's coming. We're still editing those. It's really coming along. Great.

Yeah. And congratulations to our winner. Oh, my goodness. Let's go celebrate. Real good job. Just you and me. Okay. Fucking, digger, I'm going to throw my fucking beer at you.

Piece of shit. The biggest solution in the universe, guys. Thanks for listening.