The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Bonus Episode 5

Episode Date: May 18, 2018

Welcome to the biggest solution in the universe. I'm Maddox. With me is Dick Masterson. Hey, what's up, buddy? And Sean, our audio engineer. Hello. John, we barely caught you on this one. I thought you were gonna be farming ass again.

But you're here, thank God. I stayed in the country. Digging that asshole. Jesus. Right out of the gate. That is what he'd be doing if he was farming ass. What else would you be doing? I don't know.

I mean, there's no more, there's no body, body part more apt for mining than an asshole, except for maybe nose holes. Anyway, either way, you're digging it. Okay, let's just get this out of the way, Dick. What? The biggest solutions in the universe from last time. Can we just talk about this, all right? Encrypting everything, way to go for phrasing it correctly after getting beat over the head.

Hey, can I put some background music while you're reading off the solutions from last time? Great. Go ahead. What's the background? What is it? You motherfucker! This is, okay, this is not, you better, I'm gonna delete this. What? Why?

Why? Why? Start over. Why not? What's bullshit about it? Because it's, first of all, it's illegal. This is in fair use. Dick is mixing this one.

Yeah. Fuck you, fuck both of you. This is collusion. Oh, this is a parody fine. Fuck you. And then lesbians, lesbians got trouts. You guys are idiots. You think in crimping everything's a slew?

I can't even think. Look, God. What's going to piss off? This fucking song. I'm surprised lesbians didn't win too. Yeah. Yeah, it's hard for lesbians to win over your bullshit. You're little gimmicks.

And then abortion? You guys didn't think abortion was a solution? Fuck you! You know, I bet they didn't use protection in the fucking Titanic. Abortion would have to save their ass if they didn't seek and die. That's true. They didn't have enough protection on the Titanic. Because they weren't enough lifeboats.

Right? That was a big deal. Yeah. So everybody died. Good. Good. I'm glad everyone died on the Titanic. You know what?

I wish the Titanic were resurrected today so it could crash again. That made me fucking happy. Sounds like you need time traveling. Dead last. In fact, Dick, time travel got negative 170 votes as of this recording, which means it's a problem. No, I thought about that because I brought it in thinking it would be a great solution. And then during the episode, you know, you proved that wrong pretty quickly. And then reading people's comments.

One word. Yeah, reading people's comments, I realized I brought it in as a solution because I would just use it to do bad things. I'm like, yeah, that's a great solution for me. But solutions to you, Dick, are just ways in which you can fuck other people over. That's what I've learned to realize. Also, last bonus episode, Dick, I don't know if you remember, but I'm sure our fans do. We played Biggest Problem Bingo. Oh, yeah, that was fun.

Which a fan sent in, but the problem was that it wasn't randomized. and here, in fact, I got a comment from Taylor Leland. He says, since you idiots only posted one bingo card, there's no variation, and everyone playing bingo is going to win the same time. Way to go, morons. Yeah. All right, Taylor, dickhead. I get it.

Obviously, this wasn't a mass consumption product. However. How do you play bingo by yourself anyway? I don't know. Like, even if it's... I guess you'd have to post your results on the comments board. And then Ryan Sutherland replied to him. It says, way to point out something they immediately say in the video when it's brought up Sherlock.

Yeah, dickhead. Then one of our other fans came to our rescue. This guy named Nathaniel Kegel, he sent me a random, he wrote a randomized version of the bingo scorecard. Oh, that's cool. Yeah, we're going to link to it on this episode. And if you guys want to play along at home, you can finally play a randomized bingo card. So, yeah, that's really cool. And it'll be specific to this episode, too.

We can update the... Yeah. the cards. Yeah. Um, okay. Anyway, yeah,

so all the, all the excitement of bingo with the, uh, the, the fun of solitaire, right? You can play bingo by yourself.

We've cracked it. Whoa. It's a huge solution. Whoa, whoa, let's not oversell it. Yeah. Oh yeah.

We already got in trouble for overselling things, didn't we? Oh. This month. Oh, he's fucking idiots. He's knuckleheads.

I got a comment for you from Christian Finch. I thought this was pretty interesting. Maddox, you're a pretty funny dude, but even you have to admit that you're a chode. Lull. I mean, he's got you there. He makes a compelling argument in that it's just calling me a name. Yeah, let's see.

I got one from... Oh, God, this one made me laugh a lot. Andrew John Nguyen Opeluski. Okay, buddy. Enough with the names. Yeah, one name, dude. You remember we talked about having a time machine, and you talk, you specifically. brought up people going back in time and killing Hitler as a baby.

Like, would you be able to kill Hitler as a baby? Yeah. That's what you're saying. And you're saying that most people would not be able to do that, just because it's still murdering a baby, right? So he says, if people have reservations about killing Hitler, then why not just kidnap him when he's a youth, bring him to the future, and leave him somewhere fun for kids

and less anti-Semitic, like Disney World? that made me laugh because this whole debate we got into about killing Hitler as a baby. We have a time machine, right? Yeah. So we're faced with killing Hitler as a baby. We want to kill a baby so bad. It never occurred to either of us so we could just, you know, kidnap him or like give him to other people to raise so he wouldn't be Hitler. Well, okay, if we're just like transporting people back into the future, we can bring people with us?

How many people can we bring on this time machine? Can we bring families? Can we bring entire nations? Like, where's the limit? Can we just keep going back and forth and bringing people to the future? We could literally just walk baby Hitler to another village and say, here you go, there's a baby, there's an orphanage, take them, like they don't have DNA back then, they don't know. There is no guarantee Hitler wouldn't be Hitler in another village or a theme park. Guys, it's the happiest place on Earth, and it won't be for long if Hitler's there.

Baby Hitler, you're saying. Yeah, baby Hitler's got to grow up something. Look, the first thing that's going to happen is if you let him lose at Disneyland, child protective service is going to come Yeah And put him in an orphanage somewhere He's going to grow resentful Yeah he has one happy date Disneyland

Then he's an abandoned He's a child without parents You think Hitler needed any more Negative influences in his youth He's still gonna grow up hating the Jews And thinking that the problem Gotta kill the baby then I guess

Solid argument You know what though You could bring him back to the future Take him to Disneyland And drown him in the It's a small world ride Oh okay right? That river is pretty

that river's deep enough to drown a baby. I've seen it. I have another comment. This one's from Caleb Durwad. He says, if free the nipple. Yeah. That's almost as good as fuck rumpus. Caleb Durwad. Okay.

He says, if free the nipple results in an inordinate amount of boners, just mention time travel and the hordes of nerds that collect to argue paradoxes and alternate universes should settle things down. Yeah, that's true. We throw time travel out there and everybody's all of a sudden debating the finer points of time travel

and what it would be in this universe and oh, it's also got to be a distance machine and a multiverse theory. A lot of armchair physicists in the comments on that one. For an impossible fantasy idea. Even physicists are not qualified to discuss this and then we have people less qualified

than anyone that could potentially be qualified discussing it. I have a comment from Jessica Strathcoder. She says, the lesbian porn point is spot on. I think a lot of it has to do with simply being able to relate to what you see. And then it gets sexy here. She says, as a woman, seeing a woman enjoy sex and knowing how she must feel and wanting that as well is very arousing. But I don't think sexuality is as linear as people think. Sex in general is sexual. Arousing. That's how it's It's just gibberish now. Yeah, anyway, she just goes on for about like two paragraphs,

and then somehow ends on Big Cock. That's great. Yeah, I'm not going to read the whole thing. I'll leave that to your imagination. Well, someone left an erotic voicemail, I guess. I think this is having to do with my time-traveling solution. This is Dick from 2030. Sorry to tell you, but I'm dying from a lifetime of drinking too much semen.

You've got to stop now, man. you're killing us. Also, Maddox was right. Monkeys are ruining the world. Sotered up. Peace out, Girl Scout. I knew it. I called it.

Monkeys are the biggest problem in the universe. Let's see. Oh, I got this one. I don't know if you want to talk about this, but I brought it in because a couple people have mentioned it. And I like to bring in stuff like this on bonus episodes. All right. Hey, guys, this is Clay Aiken.

I think this might be a good question for me. for the bonus episode. I know a long time ago on the podcast, Maddox said he was going to talk about the Penn and Teller bullshit episode. Oh, yeah. And hasn't yet.

Actually, like, the third or fourth result on Google for that clip is the Facebook post for Maddox in 2011 saying, I'll probably address this in the future. So I guess now is probably as good as time

as any. What's the story behind that clip. Also, Dick, you have some pretty cool hair. Everyone can go fuck themselves. Oh, all right. This guy's into your hair. This guy's been waiting three years for you to respond to that. You know what's sad about that is that's not even close to the longest I've responded to a fan. I responded to a fan six years after emailed me one time, and it was a one-word response. What was it? I think I mentioned this in an earlier episode, but it was a guy who sent me an email right before he was about to be deployed in Iraq. And it was like, it was in like 2004, I think.

You're a terrible person. Yeah, you are a terrible person. He sent me an email and he's like, he could have died like every day of the year. He responded to him six years later. Six years later. That's fantastic. I hope he had his email forwarded to his wife or something.

He said, hey, Maddox, I'm a real big fan. I've been reading your webpage forever, blah, blah, blah. And I was just wondering if I had your personal. permission to print up some of your articles to take with me to Iraq so I can post them around the barracks to cheer me up, whatever. And I, you know, I don't want to do it if I don't have your permission, blah, blah, blah, big fan, thanks. Anyway, I didn't reply to him until, like, yeah, six years later, I believe, and it was a one-word response, and I said, sure. He may have actually died. That's how long it takes for me to reply sometimes. You may actually die before you

get a response from me. What if he printed them all up, right? Like, he printed out your whole website into like a 500-page stack of stuff, and he took it with him to Iraq, and then, like, he got shot while he was carrying it, and, like, the bullets got stopped by your stack of articles. Protected by righteous satire, buddy. That's probably what happened. Yeah, I tell that to myself.

So, Dick, we've mentioned this on the show before, that we recorded six long-lost episodes. Wait a minute, wait a minute, are you going to talk about the Penn and Teller thing? No. No. Not even a little tease? Not even a little bit?

No. No, because the Penn and Teller thing, I was going to create an actual episode about this. An episode of what? Your show? Yeah, the best show in the universe. I was going to create an entire episode about it. Because it's better, look, certain things are best done in written form, certain things are best done in audio form, and certain things are best done in audio video. That's best done in audio video because it's an episode,

and I'm going to use clips from the episode to comment about it. Okay. Yeah, so I wouldn't be able to do it justice talking about it here. But I, okay, here's a tease. I'll give you this much. Okay, that's what I want. Pen and Teller. Just the tip.

Just give me the tip. Here's the tip, dick. Penn and Teller don't do anything for that show. They just send producers around. So I didn't meet Penn and Teller. They send people around to interview their guests, their subjects, and then they edit all the clips out of context and make one big fuck up that fits their narrative. Sure. So that's the tease.

A lot of people wondered if I met Penn and Taylor. No, of course not. They're just sitting in their mansions in Vegas, ranking, count in their cash, so. Yeah, they probably do all those episodes in, like, one day. Yeah. Like, just sitting in front of those big, dumb letters. They do those episodes in a voiceover booth.

We probably put more effort into setting up for this show than they do for Pentonel's bullshit. Anyway, guys, so I was going to mention that a long time ago, Dick, we have those long-lost episodes that we recorded, the biggest problem in the universe. You remember those? Yeah. No one's ever heard these. very few people, in fact, maybe what, three, four people counting us. So I brought in a supercut.

Oh, cool. Yeah, during our first bonus episode, I brought in a supercut of episode number one, and during this one I'm bringing in a super cut of episode number two from our long-lost episode. All right. Here it is. Oh, great. Here comes Maddox with another load of crap to dump right in my face.

My biggest problem absolutely in the universe. Yeah. I like productivity, whatever, but it's people working. Who cares? Why is it all me? I feel like I'm not an idiot. This is indicative of a bigger problem that's going on. Oh, wow. I didn't realize your butt was so hurt. I noticed immediately upon grasping it that something feels wrong.

He effed me over last time with bums ejaculating. It feels like the same weight, but something about it feels cheap. It's too crinkly. It's a little too crinkly. Oh, I know what I'm talking about. And I know for the majority of you out there, you couldn't give less of a shit about that because you're idiots. I have conceded that most people are morons.

Okay, my other problem is apple turnovers with rock sugar. Why do you always have food problems? Dishwashers are stupid. I do want to compliment you because I thought your apple turnovers with rock. sugar was retarded when you first brought it up. I thought here comes Maddox again with another trick another of his crazy fantasies but I totally agree because eating the rock sugar ruins the dessert it's all about show it's about showing off and I feel like I'm eating my own teeth yeah I was a fat kid like all I ever did was eaten right I was

fat kid most of my life and then I got fatter this is my reward for eating all my veggies You're not wrong, but you are wrong. Dick versus Dick. We'd have to create a new show called the biggest solutions in the universe. These transitions are superfluous. They waste your time. They waste your resources.

I think it's worth it. I think it's a reward for eating all my veggies. Okay. You're not wrong, but you are wrong. We'd have to create a new show called the biggest solutions in the universe. These transitions are superfluous. They waste your time. They waste your resources.

Tweetering around. Texting people. Did you not pick up. in the last episode when I mentioned tweeting and you, do you think the website is called tweeter? Why are you saying Twitter? Why do you say tweeter? Because that's what, what are you twittering to people? You're tweeting.

Oh, shut, stop. Shut the hell out of Twittery. I'm not tweeting. I flashed low-flowed toilets twice out of spite. You're both in me too. I like how you doubled down in that episode too. On what? On twittering. Yeah, it is sweetering. No.

Did it, why do we, why do we, why, where were we talking with that weird affect. Like it sounded like two people in bed who had just gotten done humping. Yeah. Did it sound like that to you? Like that weird slow drawl? It was really slow. The entire episode, I listened to it, and I went back, there was so much dead air. I mean, I edit all these episodes, and now when I edit these episodes, I don't have to cut a lot of dead airs

or ums and us from these episodes because we've trained and we've practiced and this is how we deliver. I should hope not. Yeah, but those old episodes were pretty awful in terms of the editing and the quality. That's why a lot of times people, when they start doing podcasts, they record all their podcasts and they just put them right out. What you should do is throw away at least the first six. They're garbage. Yeah. For the most part. Yeah. And that still was better than most podcasts I hear today. Yeah. Yeah. I agree. You want to get to a problem? No, I want to get to a solution. Oh yeah. Sorry. Get to a solution. Let's get to the first solution and possibly the biggest solution.

Oculus Rift. Oh, the video games. Yes, Dad, the video games All right You got one of those? You got one of them Oculus Rift things? I don't have one but I want one Dick, have you ever tried one? No.

Okay, I heard a lot of hype from people For, I don't know, the better part of the last year About people who've tried the Oculus Rift They said, yeah, it's pretty cool Cool doesn't cut it, buddy I'm gonna, here's something I'm gonna say without a single ounce Yes, absolutely I spent some good time with an Oculus Rift

My friend has one, and I spent about 45 minutes with one. And I can say this with absolute, without an ounce of irony or sarcasm. Or hyperbole. Or hyperbole. There is life before and life after Oculus Rift. What? Really? Yeah. And I will go one step further, and I will say that the Oculus Rift will make bodies irrelevant.

Okay. Yeah. And that's the most powerful statement I can make about this new technology. Okay, I have one question. How many times did you jerk off while you were using your friend's Oculus Rift? None yet. Okay. Because he was in the room.

I imagine, I suppose. But mentally, millions of times. This thing is such amazing technology. So when I say it's going to make bodies irrelevant, I mean that in every sense of the word. You don't need your body anymore. The Oculus Rift can transport you to any place you want to go. Are they a sponsor? No, not you.

yet, but they should be. Because I'm going to fucking, oh man, I am all about Oculus Rift. I'm all in. I'm cashing in all my chips. This is it. Oculus Rift, baby. I don't, look, as soon as the technology gets perfected, I think in the next five to 10 years, all I need is a tube into my brain to feed me nutrients.

And then synapses, my synapses hooked up directly to my brain. So it simulates, like, touch and feel. And that's it, man. That's all I ever want to do. That's all I ever want to become. and there will be two classes of people. I was just going to say. I was just going to say what you're about to say.

Go ahead. Yeah. Because I can't wait for this. There's going to be two classes of people, okay? They're going to be the controllers. Those are people who manipulate and control things through the Oculus Rift interface. Okay.

And there will be the dummy slave people. Okay. Okay, Manson. Fuck you. You're the fucking Morlocks underground, asshole. That's exactly it. You fucking, you fat losers with your, VR goggles are going to be shoved into coffins

that we stack six high while guys like me and Sean enjoy the real world. It's going to be perfect. You guys can just opt out of the human race. We'll be done with you. Fuck you and fuck the real world because I want to stay in Oculus Rift forever. I never want to leave it.

I spent 45 minutes in this thing and I've been thinking about it every day since. All I want to do is be inside Oculus Rift. Have you really? It is absolutely, by the way, you think Internet is addictive now? think video games are addictive now? This, you haven't seen anything. I never want to leave this thing ever. It's a better experience than life. You can sit down, you can go to a theater.

He's talking about heroin. It sounds like he's talking about heroin. Have you ever heard a heroin addict talk about heroin? This is how they sound. I swear to God, that's exactly how they sound. Oh, I believe it, and I never want to quit. It's not a problem. It's not a problem. It's a solution. That's why I brought it in. Listen, Dick, you have no idea the experience you can have thing. Okay? You want to go to a movie? You want to go to a movie? Yeah, I go to the movie. That's a horrible example to start with. No. Because that's one of the examples that they had in the Oculus Rift. They said if you want to watch a movie, yes, it sounds ridiculous. Okay? Until you try it, you will have a better experience watching a movie inside the Oculus Rift. You laugh now,

asshole. You're going to be the slave. You're going to be one of my slaves. You're describing your ultimate fantasy of virtual reality is going to a fake virtual movie by yourself. It's going and sitting in a theater by your fucking self and watching a movie. That's not actually a movie. That's your takeaway. It's like when our buddy dream

that he was taking a nap. Exactly. You mean with this technology, I can go to a movie by myself. Wow. Fuck you, Dick. I don't need you, literally my enthusiasm for this new technology.

You don't even understand. This is a lesser mind, you dullers, you, you dopes. You and Sean laughing it up, having a good old time. Am I expense? Listen to this. You don't even understand. This is how much of lesser mind you guys are. You don't even realize that everything you experience in life is a perception that occurs inside your mind.

Yeah, I've made... Oh, do you? Well, then, why is it so absurd that you can have a better movie-going experience inside an Oculus Rift? Wait, what? Why is it so... Why is it better that you had a better experience inside the Oculus Rift? Why is it so absurd? You think it's absurd that you could have a better movie-going experience inside the Oculus Rift.

Oh, I don't think it's absurd. I just think it's funny that that's what you latched on to. Like, that your fantasy... Your movie-going experience was profoundly different going in like a virtual reality movie than like the minor annoyances that haunted an average real movie theater. There are no annoyances. in the Oculus Rift. It is everything,

everything is perfect all the time. You sit where you want to sit. Nobody sits in front of you if you don't want them to. You can be on a date with whoever you want. You can be on a date

with multiple people and they can be real people in real life hooked up someplace else but they don't have to look like their ugly faces in real life. You can date whoever you want.

They can have the bodies that you want. You can do whatever you want inside the Oculus Rift. You can take a piss while you're watching the movie and you don't have to get up and go. Oh, sure.

You can do whatever you want. Yeah. You can take a piss. You get whatever you want. Essentially, Sean, that's it. That's why this is better. Wait, man. This is better than real life.

Can't you just like close your eyes and imagine that though? Like, does, going to a fake movie, is that that much better than just pretending that you're going to a movie like a five-year-old? Yeah, you can't imagine watching an entire film you've never seen. I mean, you can, but you have to then be the creator of the film as well. It's interesting to see other people's visions come to life, right? So inside the Oculus Rift, I've already thought about this. I've thought about the workflow.

I've thought about how I can stay inside the Oculus Rift and never have to leave again. Okay. Okay. So the Oculus Rift creates a virtual world around you. And you can change rooms, you can change scenaries, whenever you want, at any time you want. There's a demo of the Oculus Rift that transports you, I think, to Tuscany, Italy or something, some beautiful villa or something on the Italian countryside. Yeah. The graphics are pretty rudimentary.

I'd say it's 32, 64-bit, 64-bit Super Nintendo, or Nintendo 64 graphics. So the boobs are like triangles? No, you know what, it's better than that. I'll say it's... Squares? Probably like 2010 computer graphics. That's what this looks like so far. Well, in terms of, like, computer graphics boobs, what are we talking about?

Like, the first dead are alive or dead or alive beach volleyball? No, in terms of, in terms of, look, the models you can have in there can be as complex as you want. It just depends on your processor power. Oh, I got... I got processor power over here, buddy. Have you played the game Dead Space, Dick? Of course not, you're a pussy. Dead Space has pretty complex model.

You know what? Any modern fighting game, the characters that you can have inside the Oculus Rift are about... Look like they're about as complex as any modern fighter games. Wow, that's pretty cool. But there is no limitation. The only limitation is your hardware, okay? Okay.

So I've already thought about this. So you can transport to this Italian countryside, right? and you can walk inside this house, and you can look up and down, and you can see the ceiling, you can see the floor. The only thing that's unsettling about the Oculus Rift experience is

you still cannot see your limbs. If you could see your limbs, that's it, man. This is a game changer. That's enough for me. I want to be in this forever. But you want to see someone else's limbs, right? I'll, I'll, look, buddy,

my limbs are more than enough. Everybody wants to see my limbs. Wait, limbs are the reason it would take for you to stay in there forever? Yes, Sean. You could see your own arms? you would stay? I would I wouldn't be here right now. If I could see my limbs.

Yeah, you'd be in your mom's basement banging on the ceiling for more soup so you don't have to leave your computer goggles. It's just such assholes. The lesser minds are out enjoying real life. Yeah. You guys are going to be the slave race. There will be a slave race. What do you mean slave race? Okay, it's not slave race. Because you sit there on a computer?

You're like a mastermind? There will be masterminds and there will be worker minds. Okay, people who who maybe are slower thinkers, if they were just born, maybe they have learning deficiency, something. I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's a poverty class. I'm telling you, this is a dire prediction I'm making right now, but I'm telling you right now, when Oculus Rift becomes mainstream, people are going to be addicted like you've never seen. People will never want to leave the Oculus Rift. It is a better

experience than life. Well, okay, my first thought is it's going to be the same people who are addicted to computers now. No, this is the next level thing, Dick. I'm telling you, This is more addictive than anything I've ever tried, any video game I've ever played. Because Dick, I can play any video game I want inside the Oculus Rift, and it's a better experience inside the Oculus Rift than sitting in my own living room and playing it on my TV. Because I can flip the channel whatever I want. I can make the TV bigger if I want. I can make my couch bigger if I want.

Anything your mind can imagine can happen inside the Oculus Rift. And you can control things by looking at them. So if you want to lift a cup up from a shelf and bring it over to you Like you can do in real life Now see you can't That's why oh you mean with your mind? With your mind okay You can do it entirely with your mind

Now here's the workflow I've already thought about this okay Okay yeah This is also going to make monitors irrelevant You only need a tiny little monitor to launch the Oculus Rift And then inside the Oculus Rift itself You create virtual monitors So if you want to be coding right If you're going to be coding you can have code on three different screens

have a fourth screen just for compiling, and just look up, down, whenever you want, compile, you can code wherever you want. Any place you look, you're instantly typing. That is going to increase productivity in workflow, like we've never seen before. I don't think the bottleneck on coding is the amount of screens that programmers have, though.

I don't write that much code. But I'm way more interested in your... Okay, your benefits of the Oculus Rift so far is you can see a movie by yourself, number one. Yeah. And you could sit at your computer programming, lifting cups around. Yeah. Okay.

And you can see a Tuscan Villa that has Super Nintendo graphics. No, it's better than that, Dick. All right. It's modern graphics. Dick, you don't even understand. Well, okay, let me ask you this. You're saying it's going to be like more addictive. You're saying it's going to be crazy addictive, right?

Yes, yes. If I spent an hour in this Oculus Rift, would I trade two beers for that? I would. I absolutely would. You would. But. Yeah, Dick, you know, it's hard to say because you're kind of a jackass. But like...

That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me. But kind of. Kind of, right? I qualified it. Yeah. I honestly think, Dick, that once they get us... Look, all they need to do is put some tubes in my brain and then feed nutrients into my brain. Just a mush? Just put me into the matrix.

I never want to leave. I'm the first fucking advocate of this thing. I'm the biggest... I'm going to be the biggest... Loser. Loser. No, no, asshole. The Oculus Rift is the future.

I'm telling you. Anything, any experience you want in life, if you want to travel, you want to go see Paris, guess what? You can see Paris better inside the Oculus Rift than you can in real life. Yeah, but where's the experience part? Like, where's the person you're with? That's my point.

Look, therein lies the entire rub here, is that the experience that you have in real life is only happening inside your brain. So if you can create that same exact experience without leaving, then what difference is there between a virtual experience and the real one? I'll tell you.

Because I, when I was 20, 22, what was it? Sean, I was 22, you were 23, and we went on a big car trip around Europe, right? Remember that? Yep. And what I remember most about that trip, we started in Nice, we went down to, what do we go to, Trinketerra, Venice, Munich.

We went to a big loop. Right? And the two things I remember most about that trip are Sean and I both throwing up in urinals at a local bar that like we met some locals and they took us to. Yeah, in Munich. In Munich. And Sean almost getting hit by like a semi-truck while we were trying to make the slowest left turn ever. You ever? Yeah, yeah, pulling into the gas station. That's what I remember. Because they had like a big emotional impact. Does that happen on the Oculus Rift? Yeah, except it's even better, because instead of almost getting hit by the semi, how about actually getting hit by the semi? But you don't feel anything.

You can because you can have it simulate touch and feel inside your mind. If it's connected to your synapses, that's all. All they need to do is fire off certain neutrons to connect. Look, they're already doing this technology existing. Neutrons? Neurons or neurons. Yeah, neurons. Yeah, neurons.

They've already created some technology where they're creating an electronic interface with your sponsor. so that you can read so people who are paralyzed are able to feel again because they're sending electronic impulses it's very low resolution right now but it's getting better look we are we are probably 10 to 20 years away from a matrix style event where we're all going to be plugged into this thing and I'm telling you you want to be drunk inside the Oculus Rift you can have it programmed so that if you go to a bar pick up an alcoholic drink that registers as being alcoholic they can pump some alcohol into your minds or they can they can tell you that you you can your mind to act drunk just like you would in real life. It's all bullshit, it's all perception, it's all smoke and mirrors. Reality is smoke and mirrors, dick. We might be in an Oculus Rift right now. You don't fucking know.

I hate the idea. I like the idea because all of you guys can just go do it. What do you mean you guys? You fucking guys, you techno fetishes. Careful what you say, buddy, because I'm going to be one of the master race. You don't even see it. Why do you think you're going to be a master race? So far, you have no new abilities in the Oculus Rift that you have in real

Like you have a computer in real life, you have a movie theater in real life. You're going to do the same things in the Oculus Rift that you do in the real world, which is fuck around in Facebook and play video games. How does that make you a master race? Dick, I'll tell you why. Because you can go from India to Paris to France to Germany to Greece all within an hour. You can't do that in real life. Yeah, get one of those stupid red binocular toys that kids have.

It's just a higher resolution. What is that called? No, it's not. No, it's not. That's two-dimensional. this is the perception. The perception is like you're there. It is no different than being there in real life.

You could even simulate wind blowing in your face and sense and whatever you want. You can trigger randomized events and then you can interact with other people who are visiting these places with you. And not only that, but you can visit places that don't even exist. Alien worlds that people create and you can explore them. It's unbelievable. This technology is going to change everything. Well, you know, we should say, you know, one of our guests on an upcoming live show is working on porno for the Oculus Rift. Yeah, right?

Yeah. Did you experiment with that at all? Because that is the first thing I want to do when I get virtual reality binoculars. Sean's nodding like a hyena. Yeah, Dick. Did you? Did you look at any porno on this thing? No, it didn't exist for the demos.

The demos are very family-friendly. What? Yeah, of course. Because that's... Jesus, you want to get people addicted to this or not? Yeah. Look, all they need to do is hook some little gadget up to your genitals, and then it's going to be better than real-life sex.

Because you can have any virtual experience you want with anyone you want. I'm telling you, this is going to be a game changer. It's going to change morality. We're going to have to think about what it means to cheat, because if you're having sex in the Oculus Rift with a virtual person, that's cheating, essentially, right? I guess, but who would do that? I mean, it's the same as porn, isn't it?

No, it's not. Like you're jerking off to porn. No, it absolutely isn't. And there's some guilt there. No, no, no, guilt with porn, absolutely not. No, of course not. No, because you're looking at a static image that somebody recorded at some point. But I feel like I'm robbing, if I've been dating girl for a long time, right, and I rope one out when I know I'm going to hang out with her later.

Rope. Did she mean to say rope? No, rope. Okay. Is that not a term? I like it. Go for it. Do you want me to be more clinical?

No. You want me to use these euphemisms? No, please. When I'm stimulating my penis. Gross. I feel like I rob her a little bit of like some sexual attraction in the future. You know what I'm saying? No.

And there's a noticeable loss of desire when I see her later. In that way, there is some guilt involved with porn, I think. You know what I'm saying? Does that make any sense? No, because I don't feel like that. feel that. If you're using porn as a substitute for sex with the person you're dating, then yes, that could be a problem. There is porn addiction. Then that's, you know, we're going down a different path. She wants you to be like charged up though, man. Like I haven't seen a woman in 10

years. That's what she wants. And then when you're sitting there at 3.30 in the afternoon, because she's got to go to work. Yeah. Popping a couple off. It's like, you know. It's like, you know, it's nice to see you. I like to see you, but I'm not humping you at the door like a golden retriever, right? Dick, the difference here is that if somebody on the other end is, look, if there's some kind of device on your genitals that stimulates touch in every area that you need it to, and someone remotely is controlling that, what's the difference between somebody there? It's like a long time ago, what's the difference between somebody manipulating it remotely

versus somebody in the same room manipulating you? Is there any difference? No. It's just a remote control. Exactly. It's a remote control. So I actually had this argument a long time ago. I thought about condoms and condoms are very thin layers of, say, latex, right?

Yeah. Less than a millimeter thick. Sure. Right? Dick's heard of condoms. Yes. Is that what they are? Hear me out.

This is kind of a long path you have to get here. But if you have sex with a woman with a condom that's cheating, right? Yeah. Even though your penis technically never touches her vagina. Yeah. What if that condom was thicker? an inch thick. And say this woman's vagina wouldn't tear up, right?

But you could still put it inside. Is that still cheating? Yeah, of course. Okay. Well, what if that condom was thicker and thicker so that it was like a foot thick, like a block of rubber with a hole on one end and then a dildo peg on the other

and you put it inside the woman? Is that still cheating? Yes, it's cheating? It's cheating, right? Okay. What if it was 25 feet long? Is that still cheating? Yeah.

Okay. So here's what I'm getting at. If you, if what counts is that you are connected to an object that is inside a woman. Couldn't you then put your hole in a dick in the earth? And then a woman sitting on a strap on anywhere else in the world can technically be being fucked by you. Just by you having your penis inside the earth.

The earth being the conduit as your condom. You're using the earth as your condom. I mean, if you're on Skype with her at the same time, then yes, that's cheating. But if you're just randomly walking around sticking your dick in holes, then I would say, no, that's not cheating. No, and you need to get back on your Oculus Rift if you're doing that. Woo! All right, dodge the bullet.

Why, are you saying that is cheating or that's not cheating? Well, I don't know where the line is, because if you're sticking your dick in a hole in the earth, and that's not cheating, then at what point is the plastic block between you and the woman so big and so long that it no longer is cheating? Like, if you can't see her, if she's a mile away and she's out of your line of sight,

but you know at the other end, she's still got it inside her vagina, that's still cheating, you're saying. It's the emotional connection. That's the cheating part. Oh. then that takes sex out of the equation. No, it's also the sex. Okay, Dick.

When it feels like cheating, it's cheating. All right. That's when it's cheating. Okay. Yeah. You know what, Dick? In the Oculus Rift, I mean, this is going to change everything. This is going to change human morality.

And you know what's going to happen is you're going to be able to control the master race, right? The master people who are controlling. The master people who have mechanical cock massagers on all day are programming on six computers. I love how he keeps talking about the master race. and also said that he would take Hitler to Disneyland. I would drown Hitler at Disneyland, buddy. I want to know what all you master race guys are going to be doing in there. Me and Sean, us poor schlubs are going to be out here in the real world.

You know what you're going to be doing? Here's the future. We're going to be talking to all the broads. No, you know what? I don't want to use this dumb thing. Here is the future of humanity, I swear. This is what's coming. Development, architectural, landscape developments are going to stop.

The earth is going to be much more plain, much cleaner. and all you're going to do is mine resources to create material for 3D printers to print objects and other robots, to create other robots, to create buildings and to create spaceships. That's the future of humanity. We're going to go to Mars,

but we're not going to send bodies, we're going to send brains hooked up to an Oculus Rift. Why do we even need to go to Mars if we got all these dumb alien worlds on our virtual reality goggles? Because our Earth is doomed, Dick. Oh, all right. It is.

I mean, we have a limited time. NASA estimates at most, 1.6 billion years. That's because they want funding. Every time they want funding, they say, oh, we're all in danger of a comet or an asteroid. Well, it's fucking true. We are.

That is the biggest problem in the universe I'm going to bring in at some point. I'm going to bring in an asteroid alarmists. Asteroid? Fuck you. You're an anti-vaxxer. You're an anti-steroider.

Yeah, bring it on. Great. Anyway, Dick, that's my solution. Oculus Rifts. It's a pretty good solution, but it went to a weird place. Yeah, it always does. That's my solution.

I can't wait, man. These 3D printers are going to create robots everywhere. We're going to go to fucking Mars. It's going to be amazing. We're going to terraform Mars, and I'm never going to leave the Oculus Rift. I don't care. As soon as I land on Mars, I'm still going to be plugged into my Oculus Rift, playing video games and watching movies with virtual people.

Why would you want to go to Mars then? Because we have to, Dick. It's not that I want to. It's that we have to. But why is going to another planet safer than just sitting on this planet? Because, Dick, the sun is expanding. We're running out of hydrogen inside the sun. hydrogen fusion. That's like billions of years from now, though.

Yeah, 4 billion. But guess what? Earth is still doomed. We have to create colonies in other planets. It increases our chances of survival of the human race. The more colonies we have on different planets, the less likely it is that one colony can be completely wiped out by an asteroid like the dinosaurs did. Yeah, who cares though? Okay, I did. Like, no, that's a serious question. Why do you want the human race to like survive whatever, the destruction of Earth? Why is that important to you? Because that's our purpose, dick. It's encoded in our genetics to be able to reproduce and to colonize the world. Every animal on Earth reproduces. Even fucking bacteria and microbes reproduce.

Don't you think that there's a reason for that? Of course there is. It's because we're supposed to, and we're supposed to get off this planet. Yeah. So the same reason, that sounds like the same reason I brought in for families why it wasn't a problem. Families. Because you're genetically coded to do it. You're saying we're also genetically encoded to going to outer space.

Yeah, absolutely. Families, though, are shitty. All right. Are you ready for my problem? No. What's your solution? Are you ready for my solution? Yeah.

Soap. Garbage. You don't need soap in the Oculus Rift, buddy. You guys are going to need a lot of soap because you are going to be some smelly motherfuckers with your bodies sitting in chairs all day and your brains off in Neptune or Tuscany or whatever other things you think you are. What about bed sores? Yeah, you guys are going to have bed sores too. How about that? Sean, you and Dick have such small minds. You can't even see into the future where we get rid of our bodies.

We don't need bodies anymore. Just a brain in a jar, buddy. I don't want that either. I like having a body. Yeah, you can have a super body in the Oculus Strip. You can be Goro. That's what I'm going to be. Goro. I'm going to be punching suckers left and right. It's going to be amazing. I'm going to break all the laws.

It's going to be awesome. I'm going to rob a bank. I'm going to be a criminal. It's going to be fucking amazing. I'm going to be flexing both all four of my arms like Goro. and then I'm going to have a fucking Mortal Kombat Championship where everyone dies. It's going to be fucking great.

But won't it wear off? Because it's not real? Like, won't the thrill wear off immediately? Dick, there is no difference between perception and reality. That's what I'm telling you. Oculus Rift is the bridge between reality and virtual reality. But I'm saying with your greater mind, you know, you and your greater mind, aren't you sitting there going, um, I don't really have four arms and I'm not really

robbing a bag? So why do I care about this? That's why I keep saying the Oculus Rift is such a powerful experience. There is no difference between perception and reality. You don't feel like you're in a video game. You feel like you're in reality. That's what I keep saying. This is a different thing.

We're on the next level here. Yeah, but it's like watching someone perform a magic trick. Like, yeah, I guess you made the lady disappear, but I know she didn't disappear. Like, I'm not like, oh my God, where did that lady go? Where did these tigers come from? I'm not like really feeling that and that's just as lifelike as the Oculus Rift.

Dick, this is not an illusion. This is taking over your ocular senses, your hearing senses, your touch and taste senses. Everything is going to be replaced with an equal experience inside a virtual world so that you cannot tell the difference

between life and virtual life. There will be no difference. Well, and we won't be soap. I won't be there. That's the difference. That's right. You'll be mining material. for my 3D printers. Yeah, I'll be using soap.

Soap. So, Passet. Go on, tell me about your soap. You want to know about soap? Human. So, I went on the CDC site to try to find some, like, you know, stats for you about soap. I got a stats for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because it's, you know, it's very important. It's like, it stops disease. from spreading, right? Like, before they use this in hospitals, everyone died all the time. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. So I went to the CDC, right?

To say, like, surely they're going to tell me exactly how many people die every year from like, you know, filth and not using soap or whatever. Right. Here's what I found at the CDC. When should you wash your hands? All the time. Before eating food.

Oh, no, there's a list. Oh, okay. This is what they have for soap. Before eating food. After using the toilet. Okay. Is that it? Oh, no, no.

It's a huge list. Yeah. It's, yeah. These people made this list and put it on the internet. Yeah. And they got paid and they said they congratulated each other. Before eating food and after using the toilet. After touching garbage.

Okay. Fair. Those are fair points. Yeah. Dick, that sounds like it is... Are these people going to be in the Oculus River? you people who need to be told when to wash their hands? No, no, they'll be mining materials from my 3D printers.

You got a big problem right there then, buddy, because these people are not going to be able to mine materials correctly. Dick, that's the point. They're expendable. If they don't do a good job, like one of those cow bolts right in the back of their necks. Who's going to do that? The robots. The robots that I'm programming with my six screens and four arms.

Oh, man. It's going to be a fucking terrible universe. I can predict the hellish future that I'm creating, but it's coming, buddy. Yeah, because we'll just lock you in the closet. All your robots will break, because they're all garbage, and everything always just breaks. I make fixer robots,

and guess what? I'll have a few. You have tiers of societies, right? You have the slave race, which is going to be you and Sean, mining materials for my 30 printers. You're going to need a bigger fucking robot if you think me and Sean are going to be your slaves. Okay, and then you have the second tier, which is like the

supervisor race. They're a little bit smarter. Who's, who? Who is the super? Supervisor raise. Okay, maybe you and Sean. You guys are, you guys are pretty smart, right? Middle management race. Yeah, middle management race. That's us, Sean.

For blaspheming, the Oculus Rift, you don't get to use it, but you can be. We're the HR robots. Yeah. HR, no. Sean, you don't need HR. Everything's virtual. Oh, man, I can't wait, guys. And all I'm going to eat is much.

Who's above you? Who's above being, Sean? Oh, wow. The Oculus race. There's only three levels in this? Man, Sean, we can get up to the top level. Like, nothing in this corporation. No, no, no.

Because there's going to be a power. Don't worry. I've got it all figured out. There's gonna be a big brain core and the brain core is where all of humanity lives. It's just a bunch of rows and rows of brains with no bodies with just nutrients being fed into us and we're controlling all the robots.

And then the supervisors, the supervisors go fix the robots that fall apart. No, I don't want to do any of this. See, that's because you're too smart. I need someone who's smart but not too smart. That way, basically it's an office worker. Max, a modern office worker is just smart enough. This utopia is fucked.

Like you're describing a night. Hey, you know what, man? There's sweatshops. What's the difference between sweat shops and this reality? At least in this reality, people are just mining materials in good clean jobs. It's good, good paying work. They don't have to create shoes for us. Anyway, so... This is getting crazy. You might be surprised to learn. So, I gave up on the CDC, right? Because I know I know to wash my hands when they're covered in shit. Dick, this sounds like it was written for three-year-olds, though. Yeah, doesn't it? That's their, that's their sight. Is it, does it have like crayons and stuff on it? No. It was just the regular site. This is when you should wash your hands. I don't know who it's for, but that's what it was. Well, probably for people Googling on how, when do you use soap? To be fair. I googled soap statistics.

Okay. This is what you got to do to wash your hands. All right. Yeah, what else do they? After touching an animal or animal waste. Or animal waste. Or animal waste. So if you thought it was, that's okay, because it just came out of the animal, you're incorrect.

You still got to go wash your hands. Okay. So I found a legit site that wasn't run by the government. It's called global soap.org. And this is funny. What are they selling? It's interesting. They're not selling interesting.

It's an interesting thing that they do. So hotels, right? Yeah. They throw away billions of soaps a year. Like you go to a hotel, you maybe use it once, right? That bar is soap? Right. Then you chuck it.

Sure. They're not going to give it to somebody else. It's got pubs all over. It's gross, yeah. Right? Right. It's got pubs and chlam. Why are you saying right, Sean?

Because he's laughing. Have you used the Dick's shower before, Sean? Yeah, we used to share a shower. Gross. Oh, yeah, you guys were roommates a long time ago, right? Okay, so they throw a little soap away. So you might be surprised to learn. I'm reading this off their site,

that the leading causes of death for children in developing countries are hygiene-related illnesses that take 1.7 lives every year. Well, you may be surprised to learn. I was surprised to learn that. Really? Yeah. Wait, every year? Uh, 1.7?

Almost 2 million kids a year die because they don't have soap. Oh, I thought you said 1.7 kids. No, 1.7 million? 2 million kids. That's a lot of kids. That's a lot of kids. Is that globally?

Yeah. I don't know, man. What are these kids' personalities like? They are all big fans of your website. That's a big problem. We need to save them. And they don't have any t-shirts. So they really need t-shirts.

and they love you. Hey, spreadsheet.com, Maddox store.spreadshard.com. It's one-third of all child deaths. No, get out of you. That's what this global soap.org says, and they've got better stats than the CDC, apparently, about soap.

I bet their stats are coming from the CDC. I don't know. Hand-washing with soap is the single most effective way to prevent those deaths. So what they do is they take all the old hotel soap and they, like, squish it and recycle it into new soap. Huh? For kids.

Yeah, I don't have a problem with that. That's a good idea. I should hope you don't have a problem with it. I'm saying it's a solution. Well, okay, I agree. That is a solution to that problem if you think that kids dying is a problem. But with soap being mashed together, some people are really weird about soap. They won't use soap other people have used. Here's the thing. It's soap. So when your hands are dirty, you use soap to wash it.

So soap should always be clean, right? But I don't think that's always the case. because you know those bars of soap? Sometimes bacteria can grow on bars of soap. But I don't think it's as bad. You can't just gather it up, but it's fine, yeah. I don't see what the problem is. Everyone's so finicky about soap.

What do you mean everyone is, people don't use other people's soap? No, people are really weird about soap. Even if there's no hair on it or anything? Yeah, you know that Dave Chappelle episode, he kind of jokes about it with his writer, what's his name, Neil Brennan, his writer on the show? I think during one episode he turns to him and goes, hey, did you know white people don't use lufas? It was during a sketch, and it's because people are really weird about their soap.

They want you to use a lufa so that the soap never touches your body. But it's soap. The lufo would be grosser, I think. Yeah, I would think. Because it's plastic that's been on them. Yeah, and it's just a big sponge. Yeah, but everybody has their own lufa. So they're saying you shouldn't ever use the soap on your body, and then multiple people use it.

But I don't see a problem with that. No, of course not. That's insane. Yeah, that's insane. Uh, anyway. I also heard that soap doesn't kill bacteria. I haven't checked this, but I heard that soap, if it's not anti-bacterial, it doesn't kill bacteria, it simply rinses it away. Is that true?

Did you find out anything about that? No, because I'm dealing with crayon websites over here, like the CDC telling me to wash my hands after I've played with dog shit. Oh, hands. Right? Wash your hands after you touch animal waste. It's the new Play-Doh, to be fair. Oh, God. So, um...

Let me see here. Hands are so irrelevant in my future. An estimated 2.6 million bars of soap are discarded every day from hotels in the US. A third of the world's soap is used in the US. How about that? So what are these guys looking for? Donations?

Soap. They're just grabbing garbage soap, man. And is this a legitimate... I mean, you know what, Dick? If this is a legitimate organization, they're actually sending soap to places in the world that need it, we could link to it on our website. We could give them a plug.

Why not? Oh, I don't, yeah, I don't know if they give a shit about that, but that's... Of course they did. They're a charity. They're looking for soap. I'll send them some fucking soap. Well, that's what they're doing. That's what's going on with the soap. I also brought in a guy, let's see, called Ignaz Philip Semmelweis. Have you ever heard of this guy? Of course. Have you really? No. Because somebody told me this story, and I found the story fascinating, and I don't remember who it was, which is weird.

It might have been my dad, or it might have been my life coach. So this is what happened with this guy, right? I'll summarize it because I don't want to read this whole thing. Somewhere in the, in 1846, all right, in Vienna. Yeah. There's two delivery hospitals for having a baby. Right. One staffed by midwives and the other one staffed by like student surgeons, basically.

So surgeons, surgeons. Right. The other one midwife. The amount of, the number of deaths from puberty, puberty, Purell fever, which is some kind of like birthing fever, right? Right. The number of deaths of mothers in the surgeon hospital was like 12%. A ton of people dying from that.

A ton of mothers dying from that. The number of the percentage in the midwife hospital, 2%. Huh. What was the difference? The midwives used soap? No. The surgeons were doing gross stuff in bodies and then going to deliver babies. performing autopsies and like playing with a bunch of shit and internal organs and then going,

well, let's see, let's get that baby out of there. Fever. When did this happen? What era? 1846. Oh, 1846. So this guy, this guy says, hey, uh, wash your hands. Shitheads.

Yeah. Right? This poor bastard, he gets laughed out of medicine. Like, literally, writes papers on it. People turn his life into a mockery. he ends up in an insane asylum where he's beaten to death. He dedicates the rest of his life to try to get surgeons to wash their fucking hands, and he ends up in an insane asylum getting beat to death at like 46 or something.

Like something absurd. You know, people always like to jump down the, you know, religion's neck for killing, like, scientists like Galileo. Was this a religious initiative that killed this guy? No, it's just a bunch of people who are like, we don't like change. We don't like washing our hands. You know, Dick, it sounds like, I wish I had a harp sound effect right now, but it sounds a lot like, I don't know, 20 minutes ago when I was telling you guys about the Oculus Rift,

you guys were laughing at me. Laughing. Oh, I'll be laughing, buddy. You won't hear it because it'll be virtual. Do you realize that your version of paradise is indistinguishable from insanity? What are you talking about? Like, if you were to just go insane and start seeing this virtual world you're talking about, you would not be able to tell the difference.

Dick, you could just do that. Who's to say we're not already? I know this is like philosophy 101 stuff. Oh, it's not even that high. Don't compliment yourself. I know, you know, people have philosophies about this. But we are there, man. Anyway, yeah, I don't want to keep bringing it back to the Oculus trip,

but it is going to change everything. Yeah, that's fascinating. What's that guy's name? Ignaz. Ignatz Semzuzze. Ignaz Semmlewis. That's probably why they were making fun of me. He's a stupid son of name.

He could be a commenter. on our website. Yeah. You know what else? Soap fixes? B-O. That's fucking true. Yeah. I'll give you that. All right, Dick. Now I'm on board. Or else. Everyone, everyone in the world all the time would stink without soap. Yeah. You ever been stuck in a car with somebody that made your eyes water where you couldn't breathe? You ever been to France? You know, Sean, I've been to France and not, I, that's that's a story. I didn't, I didn't experience a lot of smelly people. In August, in the subway? No, don't most people leave in France in August because there's a big national holiday

A lot of people just like fucking take the month off In France Yeah, a lot of them do like Yeah, a lot of them go for like a month or six weeks And the people who are behind Are the workers mining Oh shut up Well this does say a third of the world soap

Is using the US So if there's anything that ever says We don't stink as much over here It's that, that's that, right? We are winners Yeah I do love us for a lot of reasons.

You know, Dick, there should be a caveat for that because it should be real soap and not this fucking natural soap that hippies use because that shit never fucking works. Oh, yeah. It's like beeswax and fucking pollen and filler and flowers and all this other bullshit and it never works.

They just smell like muskier than before. You know, I don't know if that's true because I made soap for a little bit. After Fight Club came out and I was one of those losers, It's like, yeah, I'm going to do that now. Because it looked fun. Did you kiss your hand and give yourself a lie scar? No, I didn't do that.

All right. Part of it, part of making it, there's like an ingredient that you add in just to make it foam up. You know? Yeah. It's like seeing it work, that like psychological effect of seeing the soap actually work. It's surprisingly easy to make soap. It's just a fat, any kind of fat, essentially, and then, what, lie, and then that'll make soap. Or they use, instead of lie, too, you can.

use a bile combined with olive oil, that's your fat, and then some kind of acid, I think, will make soap as well. Because I learned that, because when I brought in the juice cleanse as a problem, you know, a couple episodes back, I learned that people who were doing this juice cleanse were creating soap inside their bodies and they were excreting it thinking that those were toxins. Those aren't toxins. You're just creating soap. That's true.

They're really shitting out soap. Yeah, you can make soap with your own bile. if you ingest large enough amounts of olive oil and lemon, I believe, you know, for one of these stupid cleanses. Well, um, you either, you want a bunch of stinky people. It sounds like your biggest solution is a bunch of stinky people. Like a future of people who stink and are sitting in fake movie theaters by themselves. Won't have bodies to smell, Dick. It'll just be brains. Like, what, do they just cram corks up your nose then when you're sitting on the Oculus Rift?

How they shut the rest of you down? You won't need a nose, dick. All you need is a brain. That's all you need is. your CPU. It's an interface. That's it. You don't need nose. You don't need eyes. You don't need a body. I'm telling you, bodies are irrelevant. All right. Yeah. Do you want to do more? I mean, we're out of time, but do you want to do... Yeah, let's, let's bust these out real quick. Because this one, now that I've created this new future scape where the Oculus Rift rules us all, right? I don't know how much more relevant this is going to be, but addresses. That's my biggest solution in the universe.

addresses. Okay. Yeah. You know, Dick, where would you be without an address? You'd be in Mexico. You'd be nowhere, that's where. Yeah.

Well, you just have to, like, describe the house. Yeah. Do you know that? Yeah. Yeah. I once had a fan try to order a shirt from Kuwait,

and he was over there in some, I think he was in some reconnaissance type of position. I don't remember what exactly it was, but he was stationed in Kuwait and he said, look, my address is really weird.

It's about a sense. sentence long, and it's all just one sentence. And it's literally, he read it, he sent it to me, and he said, do you think we can mail it, mail a shirt to this address? And I said, I don't know, man, we'll try. If you're okay with the risk of it getting lost, then let's go for it. And it was something like, the first, the first word was Kuwait, comma, and then the precinct. And then it said building number nine, fourth door down, hallway two, and said the red door. And that was the address. Yeah. And so I put this on the package thinking, okay. hey, goodbye, I'll never see this shirt again.

And then a month later, he emailed me and said, Hey, Maddox, got the shirt. Unbelievable. I always sent, whenever I send postcards back to the U.S., like when I'm traveling, I don't know anybody's address, because, you know, why would I have that information? So I pretty much do that.

Like, I'll write their name and then the town that they're in. Yeah. And, like, kind of, like, things that they're by, like, oh, buy a Gelson's, like, near, in Hollywood. Like, I hope it gets there. And they always end up there. Yeah. Like, everyone's always shocked that they get these,

weird postcards from the 1700s. Yeah, you know, to the credit of the Postal Service, they're really good at tracking people down and delivering the mail where it's supposed to go. They don't appreciate it, and they won't always do it. However, it's an unspoken rule that if you write down mail and there's enough information on that envelope for it to get to its destination, they're supposed to deliver it,

no matter what, even if it's not the standard format of an address. Oh. We kind of take for granted the standard format of an address, address, but it was, it's a relatively recent invention. Yeah. Yeah, the standard address. I have this from Wikipedia. It says, in most English-speaking countries, the standard is an alternating number scheme

progressing in one direction along the street, with odd numbers on one side, usually the left, and even numbers on the right side, usually the right. Usually, and even numbers on the other side, usually the right. Wait, even numbers on the right of the street? Yeah. How the fuck is there a right of a street? So if you're heading, it's usually the north or east right-hand side leading away from the main road. So if you're coming off the main road and you're heading north, the right-hand side will be even-numbered.

Oh, okay. So whatever way you're driving. No, if you're heading north. So if you're facing north, the right-hand side, so the east side is going to be even-numbered. And that's pretty much universal in most English-speaking countries. Yeah. And then addresses in, I believe, Hong Kong are pretty standard. France is pretty standard. standard. UK is easy to send stuff to. Yeah. It starts to become a pain in the ass to Greece.

And where else? I've had packages return from Greece and Lithuania a few times. But yeah, addresses would kind of take for granted. But the address system is really clever. And you can tell a lot about somebody just from a zip code. Okay. Yeah. What?

Would you like to explain that? Well, I'll give you... Like whether they're poor or not or what? Yes, actually. They're their assholes? So one time I got an email from this guy who was being a real big prick. And he started bragging about how rich he was. He goes, oh, I could buy your website.

I have three yachts. And I thought, oh, this guy sounds like he's full of shit. So I looked at his IP address. And his IP address resolved to his zip code. I found his zip code. And I found the town that he lived in. And it was a very small zip code. And it was part of a city inside a state that had a very, a very,

affluent neighborhood, and he lived in that neighborhood. So I plugged that into city data, and I looked up the average person who lived there, and their average income was over $120,000, mostly upper class, white, surgeons, lawyers, and dentists.

I thought, wow, this guy might actually... Not quite yacht money, but... I mean, three yacht money, but... Well, that's the average is $120,000. In this neighborhood. So I thought, you know, this guy's probably telling the truth. He's a real piece of shit, but he's probably telling the truth. But I found out a lot of information just based on that guy's IP address.

And you know what? I could probably find out the exact street and house number if I looked deep enough, if I really got just like one more bit of information. Is this the kind of stuff that the master race does on the Oculus Rift? You know, don't worry about what we're doing in our Oculus Rift, buddy.

You just keep mining. Looking up assholes, houses. Yeah. Anyway, here's something useful that without addresses we couldn't do. Get food delivered. Huh? Pizas?

That's what I'm doing right after the show. I'm ordering fucking pizza. I'm hungry. And then what about pedophiles? Remember I brought that in as a big problem? Well, we have sexual offender registries where you can look up their addresses. Isn't that a useful thing to know, Dick?

Don't you want to know if you're sitting next to a pedophile? I just assume I always am. Have you ever looked up someone on a sexual offender? Dude, I did, and it kind of creep me out. Like, they have a site where you can go, plus I live in the middle of Hollywood, so it's like the most crime-ridden. part of... It's awful. Yeah. Like within 10 miles, all the crime happens right where I live. And it's

seeing the mugshots of these dudes was unsettling for me. Yeah. Like, not because of the danger, because like, I'm, you know, I'm not a kid. Um, but just like the look in their eyes, knowing that these guys are like living so close to me, I did it, I did it a couple times and it was a mistake every time and I vowed not to do it again. Yeah, it creeps me out, especially when I see the ones, look, a lot of people around the sexual offender registry, I think, they shouldn't be. I think a lot of people who have committed

so-called sex crimes shouldn't be on there because they consider exposure as a sex crime. Oh, like peeing in the street and stuff? Yeah, if you pee in the street sometimes or if you expose yourself to somebody, like if you flash somebody.

All right. Okay. Oh, it's a totally different offense if a guy does it versus a girl. If a girl flashes her tits, everyone's celebrating and throwing beads around her neck. If a guy takes his dong out, like five people are calling the...

police and you're getting beat. I don't, do you disagree with that? Do you think you should just have like dong license around the city, like carte blanche to wriggle your shlong around? I absolutely think, I think the more nudity we have in society, the better. Because it makes it more mundane and people will stop freaking out every time they see a penis or a vagina. I don't think that's going to happen.

It's threatening. It's a threatening thing. What's threatening about a penis? I mean, if it's erect and you're about to get bludgeoned with it, but so what? Like, yeah, some guys got a boners. So what? Boners are awesome. All right.

You want to see more dicks on the street, I guess. No, I don't. I don't want to see more dicks, but I don't think it should be a crime. Look, if you're threatening someone, if you just take your dick out, I'm just hanging out here with my dick out. What's the problem? Well, that your dick is out. That's the problem. Why is your, what's your dick doing out?

Put it away. It's just breathe in a little bit. Don't worry about my dick. I'm just hanging out over here. I got a dick. It doesn't need to breathe. That's not what the hole is for. Oh, six.

as man-spreading Dick Masterson a couple episodes ago, saying man-spreading was a problem. I want to keep my pants on while I'm sitting comfortably. I don't need my balls wobbling around all over the place? Yeah, why don't you go to Saudi Arabia, buddy? Sounds like, sounds like some backwards thinking. If I want to take my dick out, I shouldn't be on a sexual offender database.

If I'm threatening someone with it or making lewd remarks or gesturing towards them, sure. But a dick is just like any other body part. No, it isn't. It's a dick. What are you talking about? It's a private part. That's what makes it different from the rest of the body.

What are you talking about? I understand that dick, but I'm trying to remove the word private from the part. So it's just a part. You fuck with it. That's why it's lewd to have... That's why it's obscene to just have out. Some people fuck with their fists. I guess.

Yeah. You got me there. Yep. Solid logic. Yep. In the age of logic. What about... What about finger blasting?

Should we wear gloves and puffs and... No, but you can't be out there finger blasting in public, can you? Is that okay? Do you want to see that on the street? I'm not saying you, we should go around finger blasting, everyone. What's the difference? The difference is, Dick, that if I just have my dick out and I'm not doing anything, mind your own business. It's my dick. It's my dick. What if it's erect? Well, okay. It depends on if it's, if you're erect and you're pointing towards somebody or if you're just erect, if you're sitting there on a bus and it happens, like what can you do? Yeah, I got a boner. Sorry, don't look at it. Don't see. sit on it, don't look at it, don't put your mouth on it. Like, if it offends you, don't touch it. But if I get erect

and I'm like, you know, chasing someone down or I'm like gesturing for it, that's creepy. Like in the Pirates of the Caribbean ride? What are you talking about? The guy, the pirates would chase the fat women around. They didn't have erections, did they? I mean, they were wearing clothes, but I assume they were, you know, they assumed

they were DTF. Yeah, I mean, pirates are always DTF. Yeah. You know, Dick, if you're not doing anything offensive or vulgar or obscene. If you're not threatening anyone with it, if you're not making any gestures towards anyone with it, sure. Why not? Take your dick out. All right. Anyway, um, addresses. That's my biggest solution in the universe. Okay. You couldn't get packages delivered. People take addresses for granted, and I think people should, it's high time people upvoted addresses just below Oculus Rift for the

biggest solution in the universe. I agree that it should be right below Oculus Rift. It's a load of statement. Yeah, here's my, here's my solution. Um, anonymous comments. We don't have We don't have enough time for this anonymous comments. Here's my point with anonymous comments, all right? Everyone hates on them. Everyone hates them, right? They're vile. They're horrible.

I think there's a place for them. But yeah, go on. Yeah, but I think there's creativity in them. I like them because I know where I stand, as I've mentioned in the free episode. I think people are free to speak their minds more when they're completely obvious. And I found this interesting study that these guys did where they measured. they measured a group of students who were learning anonymously

like over the internet, you know? Yeah. And face-to-face versus face-to-face in a lab. And they found that creativity and risk-taking increased when they were anonymous, when they're not, you know, when they don't have to sit there and embarrass themselves by saying something stupid. When it's just like, oh, I'm just an anonymous guy.

Yeah, I'll ask, I'll say whatever I want, I'll ask whatever I want. Oh, that's interesting, Dick. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Well, this could potentially increase the amount of participation that women have in classrooms because there's this argument that women are more timid in classrooms because they don't want to speak up or so on.

If they were anonymous, if everyone was anonymous and able to comment how they wanted to, they may participate more. Yeah, and I was thinking like, what if when people were writing letters, like people have to be just as big assholes on letter writing as they are with anonymous commenting. Like, there has to be a scale. person to person, least amount of asshole, right?

Because you could get punched. Yeah. Right. Yeah. And you are aware that you are you. Right. Very bottom of that. Totally anonymous tweet from Mike Pinoosburg, like at Mike Pinoosburg saying whatever you want on the internet, right?

Right. There's got to be like letters in there, like in the 1800s where they're like trolls, like letter trolls or they would go around town like hammering anonymous, anonymous posts on the wall. Sure. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, of course. Yeah. Well, that's my point in anonymous comments. There's creativity in it, I think it's interesting. Okay, well, you're not addressing the big problem here with anonymity, which is the assholes.

How do you... You know what I think about that? I think to survive as a modern person, you have to be able to take those assholes. Like, I think it's a way to make you smarter. You know what I'm saying? Because your gut reaction when you're a kid, or if you're immature, is to immediately be offended by everything. Right. And so when you see, what are you doing? Oh, you fucking doing something.

Yeah. There's a big middle finger. I drew a big middle finger for dick. Is that an anonymous thing that you're doing? Oh, I'm holding it. Anonymous comment thing? Yeah, I don't know where it came from. No, I think it's a way to make you smarter.

Like, you can see how people think, what they are. Yeah. It trains you to rise above it. Here's what I like about anonymity. is that Facebook has caused everybody to do one of two things. First of all, to look for validation constantly. They don't want to post anything that doesn't get a lot of likes. They don't want to post anything that's not popular.

And the second thing is that it has caused self-censorship. Remember my website. I said I would never have ads on my website because I don't want self-censorship. A couple episodes ago, we had Casper as a client, right? And they advertised on our episode. and then just before, literally the episode right after the Casper one, I shat all over people who love to sleep. I said people who love to sleep too much is a big problem.

Which has nothing to do with beds. Of course not. And the Casper mattress, by the way, super comfortable. I cannot stress that enough. I've had such good sleep in that thing. But there was that moment of hesitation where I thought, well, this kind of hits close to home with the client. And that's why I don't have advertisements on my website.

So I have a platform to say what I want. Facebook has caused us to censor ourselves because we know that our friends and our family and our colleague are reading what we're saying. Without anonymity, I think that we wouldn't have true free expression. Yeah, I totally agree with that. Wow. You take bigger risks.

I just made a big case for your solution. There you go. So I'm done, Your Honor. The prosecution risks. Yeah. All right, Dick. All right, what were your solutions? My solution.

were the Oculus Rift. Oculus Rift dystopia. The stinky Oculus Rift future. No bodies, buddy. I'm just a mind in a jar. I don't give a shit. Yeah, but that's not what the Oculus Rift is. It's not a mind in a jar.

It's just goofy goggles that have a computer on them. You have no idea, my friend. You know, if I was in the Oculus Rift right now, poof, you'd be gone. It'd be a whole new podcast, new audience. I don't have to listen to any criticism. See ya. I'm Goro.

Oh, man, I'm going to kill everybody. It's going to be amazing. Can't wait. And addresses. And addresses. What are your solutions? My solutions are soap and anonymous comments. Good solutions this week. Guys, don't forget to vote on these. The Biggest Problem in the Universe.com.

We have a lot more coming. Thanks for supporting the show. Tell your friends. That's how word gets out about this. Thanks for listening.