The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Bonus Episode 6

Episode Date: May 18, 2018

Welcome to the biggest solution in the universe. I'm Maddox. With me is Dick Masterson. Hey, you and somebody. And Sean, our audio engineer. Hello. Welcome back, people. Woo!

Bonus episode in number six. Yeah. Yeah, still going strong. Halfway through the season. Yeah, that's true. We're halfway through the season. Yeah, we are halfway through the season. And thanks again for supporting the show, guys.

It really, really helps out. Yeah. We were able to... By the way, Dick, so one of the big reasons we started doing these bonus episodes and had ads on the regular shows is to help pay for certain things, like pay for people to produce bits for us or transcribers. Stereos? Boisterous coconuts? Got to pay that guy because you don't believe in having people work for free.

No, of course not. I do? You don't. I would chop that fucking guy's comedy up with nothing. Stereos, you put your comedy out there and you like it. Not Maddox, because you're a good person. Is that accurate? That's accurate. I'm the best person, the best person in the universe.

Yeah, so all the transcriptions are up for every single episode, including the bonus episodes. Guys, if you haven't checked those out, really look through them because there's some subtle intonations they add in there. They pick up on things that we were saying in between the things we were saying. You know what I mean? So sometimes they'll be writing something, and in parentheses, they'll say, with a wink or nodding or smiling or whatever. Even though they can't see us, they hear it. They take liberties. They take too many liberties every once in a while.

Oh, too many, huh? Yeah. Yeah, so all the transcriptions. I'm doing a lot of winking in those transcriptions. I don't know if I'm comfortable with that. Yeah, you're always winking, buddy. All right, well, let's get this out of the way. Biggest solutions from last time.

Huge upset. Soap. Soap? Really? So, fucker. Oh, you're acting all surprised. I don't know that. You didn't look?

No. Yeah, fuck you. Soap. Oh, great. You know what? And then anonymous comments. That was a, how was that a solution to anything? You were.

Oh. You motherfucker. You piece of shit. You mother... I got a sweep. Clean sweep. Yeah. I'm so happy for you, Dick.

Yeah. I'm so happy for this. Well, soap is a big... Stinkiness is a big problem. Filth is a big problem. It's haunted our species for thousands of years. Oh, soap is a great solution, man. You need it every day.

What else do you need every day? It turns you from a savage into a human being. You go for three days without soap, you feel like a fucking animal. You get some soap on your body, you feel like a human. It's the basis of civilization. Dick Masters and Sam's like a dove campaign over here. Love your body. This bullshit song, I fucking hate this song.

I hate, hate, hate this fucking song. Makes me so mad? I just want to eat my own dick off. This fucking bullshit-ass song. I hate it, I hate the voice, I hate the singing, I hate everything. Go fuck yourself. Fuck you. You know what?

I got a comment. The person who made that song, his name's Grant Mooney, right? Yeah. The first comment I want to bring in is from Grant Mooney. He said, Looking forward to the Penn and Teller Best Show in the Universe episode

in another six years. Can't wait, sarcastically. Okay, Grant, I picked up on your sarcasm. Then he followed up with, Hey, man, I'm just happy to be a part of the process. Even if the process I'm being a part of is Maddox withholding content for another year to spite his fans.

Well, congratulations, Grant Mooney. You're getting spited. So, fuck you. Everyone, you can send your thanks to Grant. What do you mean? He's getting spited. What are you doing?

Well, so he wanted me to talk about, I think in the last... About Penn and Teller. Yeah, he wanted me to talk about that Penn and Teller episode I was on. And I mentioned how it was going to be a best show in the universe episode, rather than a podcast episode

because it's a visual medium, right? And he said, and then I mentioned at some point that sometimes I spite my fans. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So you're delaying it on account of him? On account of him? For how long?

Yeah. We'll see. We'll see. It depends on his behavior, doesn't it? Depends on his behavior and how often I hear that fucking bullshit-ass song. Depends on his behavior. Yeah, and then addresses. And then dead last, Oculus Rift.

At least it was in the positive territory, though. Yeah, barely, man. You guys are idiots. Everyone's an idiot except for me. I have said that from day one, and I firmly staunchly believe it. That is the first. I want that on my tombstone. Everyone's an idiot except for me.

I got some voice. Oh, this one's from Tim ProW. want. Maddox, aren't you even just a little afraid that Sean might accidentally delete you while you are in the Oculus Rift? That's a good point. Sean rolled his eyes

so hard just now. Yeah. A couple taps of the finger. You're like Ray Charles over there. There goes Maddox. I do everything very efficiently. Include it while you do deleting. You should have seen. You would have been in awe how fast

I did that. Yeah. Yeah. And then also how quickly I spent $300 bucks on a couple recovery programs. Oh, yeah. You've never seen somebody spend... You've never seen somebody spend $300 faster on recovery programs.

I got some malware on my fucking computer because I was trying to find a recovery program for your Mac, your bullshit-ass Mac. Yeah. Yeah. Well, then we found... I think it was Pro Tools just immediately like overrides it.

It doesn't go through the normal... Whatever. All right, nerds. Later. So I got a comment from Lori Foster. Speaking of transcribers, Lori is one of our transcribers. Thank you, Lori and Megan, they do an excellent job transcribing each episode.

Lori said, this was one of the top comments. She said, I like how the Oculus Rift could have potentially been very good and philosophically interesting solution. But instead, Madhawks spent most of his time talking about using it for TV, which then devolved into a very weird discussion about cheating on your girlfriend by sticking your dick into the earth. And she said, what about using the Oculus Rift for education? Bring children on field trips to various locations and teach them about flora and fauna Without ever leaving the classroom What about using the Oculus Rift for surgeries

In medical procedures or 3D movies? She just went on and on and on. Yeah, can you stick your dick in any of that stuff? Yeah, you know what, guys? Or as you said, more efficient programming. Yeah, and she's like... She uses the Oculus Rift. A right code.

More efficiently. You guys laugh now. You guys are so... You're so behind, man. You guys are so... Look, I would have gotten to that stuff if we had to like a five-hour-long episode because the potential here is...

You just wanted to get to the important stuff first. Yeah. You know what, man? I just, I was enthusiastic because I had just used it, and I just wanted to share my enthusiasm with you guys. I'm sorry it was lost on you, apes. You were recently enlightened. You were a recently enlightened person,

and you wanted to share your experience. That's not my problem. I don't give a shit. That's not mine. That was Whitney's. That's not me. I don't care. Whatever.

Whatever. A bunch of apes. It's funny that a few weeks ago, Maddox defended nerd culture as being a problem, Because on the last Solutions episode, Klingi is going to use a special virtual reality video game to enslave all those he finds to be inferior and force them to do nothing but mine resources so that he never has to get up off the couch.

That's the nerdyest shit I've ever heard in my life. My only good thing about that virtuality video game is maybe Dick can use it to go fuck himself. Ooh. Yeah, it's not just video games, you idiots. Like, you don't understand, yeah, you can do surgeries in this thing. You can go to places you've never been in this thing. You can do surgeries on what?

Fake people? No, you can actually have a surgeon. Like, let's say there's a world-class surgeon who lives in Dubai. And somebody in America has a really rare procedure that needs to be done. And this guy's the best of the best. And rather than fly him out and wait 24 hours or 17 hours or however long it takes for him to be there physically, they can just put him with this machine that he controls his limbs remotely and then does the surgery remotely. Don't you think that's amazing technology?

Not really. Just put him on a plane. All these applications of your video games are such a stretch. I get it. He can, yeah, he could do it in bed. He could just sit there being in bed doing surgeries all around the world. But I just, I'd rather him be there. I'd rather fly the guy there. Who wouldn't, Dick? But say there's a surgery that he has to do in Ohio and then one in Germany and then one in Spain.

You're just going to put him on a plane and he's going to be fatigued. He's going to show up and do a shitty job. Are you kidding me? There's not enough time. What about how do you shrink time? What kind of surgeries is this guy doing? All the best kinds. All right, all right, look, I don't want to get lost in the weeds here.

It was, I got something special for you. Yeah. In light of all this Oculus Rift stuff, all right? Okay. It was your birthday recently? Yes, yeah. Okay, something special for your birthday? Sure.

Also, I've been kind of beating you up with the winning recently, so I wanted to make that up to you. Oh. So I got you a special present. Oh, you got me a present? This was not easy to find. This was not easy to get a hold of. Okay. I know how much the Oculus Rift means to you.

All right? Oh, I'm getting excited here. Wait a second. So first of all, Dick... Hold on, it's heavy. Dick is handing me this giant box with Christmas wrapping on it. That's all I had. And I only had enough to cover part of the box.

He only covered the top... Hold on, let's... I've got to take a picture of this. We're going to post a picture of this on the website. It took me a while to track this thing down. All right. here we go. I'm gonna open this up. It is a heavy box. Yeah, it's heavy. It's surprised me

how heavy it was actually. You can just open it from there. I think you're, I think you'll really. I think you'll really appreciate this. It's basically the same thing as an Oculus Rift. He got me a viewmaster. Those 3D viewmasters, those red things that you put the little slides in and you click. Maddox, you can go anywhere.

you want with this device at a fraction of the price. You can go to dinosaur land. You can try it in the box. It says try me right now. You can put your eyeballs in it. You know what, Dick? I was about to bitch you out and I turned it around and the first thing on the back says, age of

the dinosaurs. And it shows dinosaurs and I thought ooh, that's cool. I don't know if you could perform surgery with that thing. No, you can't perform surgery. You don't understand that the virtual reality is a better experience than real actual reality. You don't understand that.

You can't comprehend. Simon Kempthorne says with Oculus Rift, Asteroos can really become a digital cyber demon. Oh, that's true. That's a scary thought. John White asks, Maddox, how do you program with your forearms? Is that a pun?

Is that a goro pun joke? Because I said I was going to become goro and have forearms. Is he saying four, F-O-U-R or F-O-R-E? He's saying it like the body part. Like four-arm? I think he's saying your forearms are gigantic. How do you program with those things? Oh, yeah.

Like pop-by. Yeah. All right, let's, now that all the fun is over with, let's watch some Titanic. Is there anything else in there? Oh, just some books, so it felt heavier than it was. Oh, you motherfucker. I thought you were going to give me an arculus for, you made me all happy. I'm so pissed off.

This is bullshit. That looks like you can go to a wild animal park. Yeah, that's true. That is kind of cool. And then there's, let's see, images from Discovery Kids. Marine life French angel fish love to eat sea sponges I didn't know that I just learned something Try it out look in it what do you see?

Oh great safari adventures Gorillas are the largest primates and are similar to humans in many ways I see dinosaurs this is pretty cool Oh wow this is actually pretty You guys are idiots you don't think this is cool Well yeah I think that's cool Yeah I just see dinosaurs in this This is better than I expected

Backfire dickhead Yeah I'm happy I want you to do enjoy it. I wanted to tide you over until science can remove your brain stem and plug in a bunch of electrodes and much. I can't wait, you asshole. I can't wait. So when we left Titanic, a guy with an Oculus Rift type headset was navigating a submarine deep in the wreckage of the Titanic on the search for something interesting. Yeah, well, they're not going to find it in that movie. Oh, Maddox, look at that. I'm not going to look, Dick. I've not seen a single frame of this movie.

What is it? It looks like a safe or a mantle. I'm not going to look. There might be boobs, though. Look at this robot has some boobs. You know how I know it's not boobs? I have the boob formula for movies. I made that when I was 16 years old. What is that?

I'll tell you, right after this bullshit ends. Look, it's a piano. I'm not going to look. Where was that piano used? Probably up someone's ass. Maybe a ghost. Maybe a ghost is going to start playing it. I wish.

If there were ghosts on the Titanic, I would watch it. They found something. There's the guy with the Oculus Rift. I am looking at my crotch. Isn't that music suspenseful, at least? I don't know. Is this... We're in. We're in. We're in, baby. We're there.

They're in. They got something. Wow. What could it be? I'm gonna guess it's a shipful of dead people because they're morons who are obsessed with this one shipwreck. That's what it is. It's a

literal shipwreck. Yeah. Fucking bullshit-ass movie about adultery. That's what it is. Celebration of adultery. Yeah, so I have the boob formula. What is it? A long time ago, my friends and I would rent a whole bunch of softcore porn and action movies that we knew had boobs in them.

And generally, within the first 15 minutes, the first quarter of the movie, about six to eight minutes in, there was a boob scene. If it's past the 11 minute mark, it's going to be at the 14 minute mark, around the 14 minute mark. And then after that, around the middle of the movie, there's another sex scene. And then depending on how suspenseful the movie is, first of all, if anyone gets killed after the three-quarters mark in the movie, you're not going to see any more boobs. just turn it off. That's a guarantee. That's interesting. Yeah.

Because what movie can you think of that did that? All of them. All of them, yeah. All those 80s action movies had gratuitous tits leading up to the action and then it once, I think you're right.

I don't remember any afterwards. Well, there's a series called Night Trap, and it was a Shannon Tweed series. You know who Shannon Tweed is? Famous, soft-core porn star actress. And most of her movies, I based the formula on her movies. If someone died near the three-quarters mark,

it changed the tone of the movie and people who are jerking off aren't going to be into it anymore. That was my theory. So it changed the tone of the movie, made it darker, and you never saw any more boobs after that. If you did, it would be a shower scene

right before the murder, but that's it. The best sex scene is usually in the middle of the movie. It's the longest one. It's usually, you know, the climax. So anyway, that's my boob-boop theory. Yeah, like, demolition man sticks to that formula, tits right up front.

Yeah. Then nothing. Under siege, Girl pops out of the cake. Yeah. Right? Yeah. Then nothing.

I wouldn't know anymore because they don't make soft-core porn movies anymore. These kids today are so spoiled. We had to make up formulas to find boobs in movies. We had to watch scrambly spice channels and try to identify ariolas in the static. It was fun. That was fun. Yeah. I would sit up all night and then it was perfect too because if my parents came in the room and they saw the scrambled porn, of course, it was not their part of their generation. So they had no idea what I was doing.

No idea. I would just hit mute and it just looked like scrambling bullshit. But every now and then there was that magic moment where you'd have a second or two of unscrambled porn. Yeah, it was like something synced up in the static. And it would like, for a moment, it would rotate at the same speed, like watching like a tape, right? Like for a moment it would be in sync and it would just, it would awash the screen in green pornography.

And you would go, oh my God, I'm burning this into my brain. Yep. Yeah. For those who've never seen this effect, it's kind of hard to explain, but there's a, you know, the vertical hold on old TVs. It would be like kind of a vertical hold out of sync and a horizontal hold out of sync.

So it was kind of both like X and Y axes were kind of a wiggly and wobbly. And every now and then it just, you know, just straightened up and you could see uncensored boobs. Yeah. It was a magical moment. We had it rough, man. Yeah.

You want to get to a solution? Yeah, I do want to get to a solution, Dick. But before I get to my solution, I have a story to tell. leading up to it. Okay. So you remember a couple episodes back

during the regular show. I talked about hippies and specifically my neighbor who's a hippie who sprayed water inside my car windows. You remember that dick? You remember that, Sean?

Yeah, unbelievable. My crazy, crazy neighbor. Mm-hmm. Well, she's at it again. Oh. Yep. She's at it again except this time

I have a recording of her. Okay. Yeah. I am bringing in for the first time ever in biggest problem in the universe history or biggest solution a recording of my crazy hippie neighbor yelling and berating the neighborhood

and now she has a new toy dick she's running around the neighborhood with a megaphone Oh my God So I was sitting in my apartment working and I kept hearing this car alarm going off or what I thought was a car alarm It just went off

and then it would start and stop and start and stop in an interval that was too fast for a car alarm. And I thought, what the fuck is this noise? Eventually I went outside to investigate. And I saw this poor lady who was trying to deliver a package from Amazon

to the apartment next door to the crazy hippie neighbor. Yeah. And the lady was scared because the crazy hippie was chasing her around with a megaphone, screaming at her, and blasting her with a siren. At the delivery girl? At the delivery girl.

So I went over and tried... named Madhouse. Oh yeah, it's insane. So I went over and tried to distract the hippie lady and here's the first clip I want to play for you guys. Listen, this is her using the megaphone.

Listen to this. That's me, yeah. Are you hiding yourself taping? No, I'm just standing up too off. No, I'm standing off to the side watching her chase this poor lady around her delivery truck. All right.

So I felt bad and I thought, you know this poor lady has no idea what she's in for, so I better go over there and disarm her. Because this woman, this hippie, is violent. She has proclivity towards violence, because she's punched me in the chest, you remember? Yeah. Yeah, so...

Call the cops. That's assault, brother. Oh, yeah, it is assault. It is assault. And so I walked up to her, and I thought, well, I better rescue this poor lady because she's going to get punched. She doesn't know what's coming from this crazy, unstable, mean, belligerent piece of shit hippie. So I walked up to the hippie, and this was my first interaction with her.

She's blasting me in the face of your face. Goodbye. And you? You kind of look like a, like, you know, some like a tall thing. A what? A tall thing. And then she just cackled. She's so, at this point, she's almost unintelligible.

And she reeks. She smells like shit. Maybe she could use some soap, dick. Maybe your solution is a big solution. So then I confronted her. I said, hey, leave this lady alone. What's going on here? And I think I told her she was just trying to make a delivery, leave her alone.

And here's what she said. Yeah, can I help you? I'm trying to deliver. She's getting crazy. Yeah, I know. She's delivering a baby. And you're the same child. Yeah.

All right. So, and that was the poor Amazon lady in the background. She said, I'm just trying to deliver a package. And I was trying to comfort her. I said, I know, I know she's crazy. I'm trying to lure her away from you so you can deliver your package. And which she thought was a baby? Yeah, well, I guess.

She said, oh, she's delivering a baby. I don't know. She's out of her fucking mind. She's an asshole. And you know what? It's too generous to say that she's out of her mind because that alleviates her of culpability. But I'll tell you in a minute why she is culpable.

I'll tell you why. So here's when she started to really confront me. because I lured her away from the lady. The poor lady was sitting in her car trying to call the police. Yeah. And here's what happened. Here's when the hippie lady came up to me.

Right? What are you doing you? Like, what? What? What did you just say? I bleeped her name. Right. I'm not plain her name.

Yeah, here. Bored? No, no, before that you said a name. Your name? You're not just calling her a cunt and you're bleeping that out? No, I wish. I've introduced myself several times to you.

Wait a minute. And what? Are you over there? No. Well, where are you? I'm not gonna tell. You know what? You know what? I just want to take my fist and fucking pound it into your head. I just get your chicken shit, motherfucker.

And you can't, like, you can't root. Yeah. Dude, she sounds like the crazy chick from Pulp Fiction. At the beginning of Pulp Fiction, I'll execute every one of you last motherfuckers, that chick. Amanda Plummer or Pamela. Yeah, yeah. I like how she gets totally coherent. Oh, yeah. When she wants to insult you. insult you.

When she's violent. And she's starting to clench her fist at this point, by the way, guys. And I know she's capable of punching people because I've been punched by this bitch before. Of course, and I can't do anything in self-defense because I'm always going to be the victim here. Always, unless I have absolute evidence. That's why I'm recording everything. You always record interactions like this. I'll vouch for you.

Just knock her out. Max was over in my house. So she kept insisting. She kept insisting. She kept insisting at this point. She said, uh... There's no way one man running up a bar tab this big.

He was clearly with me. Right? That's a good alibi, yeah. I'm with you. So, she kept insisting to try to find out what my name was, and here's what I told her. You can't reveal yourself. Okay.

Because you don't have the fucking balls. Don't tell me okay. I'm asking you who the fuck you are that you know me, and I'm saying you like, who are you? And you, you have no politeness. I'm being polite. Dad, da, da, da, da. I know who the fuck you are, and you know my dude.

You get this. Fuck. Who are you? Who are you? Who the fuck are you? Have a good night. You know what? Don't tell me, good time.

Tell me who the fuck you are. I'm Jeff. Jeff, nice to meet you, Jeff. Yeah, so I'm Jeff. And she just goes on. Like, she just loses it at this point. Because I think she suspects, I've told, she knows who I am. I've introduced myself multiple times and she's playing dumb here.

Listen to this. Jeff. Yeah. Hello, Jeff. May I ask where you live? I'm up the street. Oh, up the street. I'm in, where are you?

I'm not going to tell you. What? I just told you who I. You see how ballless, ballless you are? No, you're a fucking dick. So I'm standing here. And meanwhile, the poor Amazon lady is sitting there cowering in her car because she's belligerent. She smells drunk.

And she's got the megaphone. And she's cursing me out. And her fists are clenched. And by this time, the neighborhood is outside. My neighbor across the street and the neighbor next door, the girl who lives up the street from me, everyone's outside watching this exchange go on. And I'm telling everyone, don't worry, I got this. I'm just trying to get her back inside her house.

I just don't want her to see where I live because she's bat-shit crazy. She's the reason I installed security cameras. I like that you're kind of also winding her up a little bit in the video with your tone. I won't tell you where I live. That's how you drive people like that insane. Yep. So at this point, she realizes I've been recording her. I mean, I'm not hiding my camera.

I'm just holding it right in her face. Here's what she says. I don't know who the fuck you are, and I know you're jealous. Oh, are we recording? Dickless? Giffith. Dickless Ballless

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Put it on your fucking video scope. You got it. You got it, dumb bitch. I got it on my videoscope, you fucking asshole. So then, this is the final clip.

She started blasting me for like a solid minute. Yeah, what did you say, Sean? Video scope, it sounds like she just got back from the proctologist. Yeah. She's a little confused. Well, they didn't find all that sand up her ass.

So she, so at the this point, she blasted me for like a minute with that stupid fucking siren. And for the mercy of our listeners, I edited most of that out. But here's just a little hint of that. And this is the last clip I'll play before I tell you what my solution is. Oh, God. I thought you were going the other way. I thought you lived down over the show.

Stop following me. Stop following me. Yeah, she was just following me up and down the street. I was trying to walk away from her. And she's following me, trying to punch me and blast me with that fucking Megapod. Yeah. What's this? I'm going to call the police. Oh, you want some more, you motherfucker.

I'm calling the police. I'm calling the police. Is she inside you at that point? You want some more, you little bitch. I'm going to call the police. I'm calling the police. Why are you calling the police for? Because you're harassing the neighborhood. I'm harassing the neighborhood. And I got it on video. I'm just trying to ditch it. Oh my god, dude. This woman's a menace.

Yeah, she's a menace. Can you imagine having a deal with that? No. And then the other day, she was, she woke up at 5 a.m. and just started cussing and yelling and screaming non-stop for four hours. I have a tape of that at 5 in the morning. Everybody in the neighborhood's tired of her. The police eventually showed up and came up and took a report from the Amazon lady.

But of course, they didn't write a single thing down. They didn't do anything. They walked up to her and they said, ma'am, please go back and inside the house and she started playing. Now, this is why I'm not going to give her the benefit of crazy. You can't just dismiss what she's doing as crazy because as soon as the cop arrived, she played

nice old lady with two cats. She said, officer, I just live here with two cats. I don't understand what's going on. These people are harassing me. And of course, it's like just absolutely fucking lying, bald-faced lie. If she was irrational, she wouldn't be that put together to lie to the

officer. And then the officer said, okay, I understand, ma'am. I'll go talk to him and make sure he doesn't harass you anymore. And then, um, did they? No, well, the officer turned his back to her. And as soon as his back was turned to her, she'd looked at me and flipped me off. And I'm like, oh, this fucking bitch, because I was thinking about doing the same thing, but I thought, you know what, I'm going to keep it clean this time.

That's where you fucked up. Yeah. And, uh, and so the, um, the officer came by and he's like, uh, I tried to show him the video. He didn't give a shit. No. He didn't give a shit. And then the Amazon lady's like, well, are you going to do anything?

And he goes, uh, I'll just stand here and watch you deliver the package. And she did. She delivered it. and they did nothing. How much is the shipping on this fucking package with two cop escorts to go 20 feet? Yeah, and it took 45 minutes for her to deliver that one package.

And the police didn't even file a report, so there's no case, there's no record of this occurring. Right. So no matter how many noise complaints, no matter how many, how many, you know what, Dick, I got the solution to this. What's the solution? The solution is euthanasia.

Oh, good. Euthanasia, yeah. Is that a person killing themselves? You're just talking about society euthanizing her. I was going to ask the same thing. Yeah, I think it's the latter. I think it's the latter as well. I mean, it might be the final solution, I think.

Well, you're careful talking about final solutions, buddy. You're the one that brought it in. Go ahead. So, euthanasia, Dick, that's an important distinction, whether or not they choose to do it or you choose to do it. Yeah. Uthanasia comes from the Greek words You and Thanatos, which means literally good death.

It's the good death. It's the practice of intentionally ending life to relieve pain or suffering. It's a mercy killing. And I would extend that definition to include relief for the person or people who are suffering because of the person being euthanized. So I would say, I would extend that definition

to include me. Right, yeah. So I think that's fair. I think if other people are suffering because of someone's existence, maybe you can make a case for euthanasia. You don't even need to make the case. We do it all the time.

Like what? Criminals. Kill them. Causing suffering. Yeah, I guess. Soldiers in other countries. Well, we got to kill those guys too. Yeah.

They don't want to do what we want to do. So we involuntarily euthanize them. We voluntarily euthanize them. It's called war. Well, they're not choosing. I guess they're not choosing. Well, that's up to, I don't know. We don't care about that.

No, of course not. Wikipedia has that distinction, though. They talk about the three different types of euthanasia. There is voluntary, non-voluntary, and involuntary. Now, those last two kind of sound similar, so I was looking this up to see what exactly it means by non-voluntary and involuntary. Voluntary is legal in some countries, so obviously if someone wants to be euthanized.

Like cancer patients. Yeah, like cancer patients. They're able to be euthanized. Non-voluntary is illegal in all countries, according to Wikipedia. And that counts for children and comas, like people who are in comas. Oh, like DNRs? Yeah.

People without it do not resuscitate order? Yeah, correct. Or people in persistent vegetative states, like that Terry Shivo case a long time ago in the United States, there was a woman named Terry Shivo who went into a coma and her brain was essentially liquefied. They did MRIs, they did cat scans, they looked at insider skull, and they said, look, man, she's living in the sense that she has a pulse, but she's not alive.

There's no hope of consciousness ever returning to her because her brain is gone. She has no brain. She's in a persistent vegetative state. So I believe her husband wanted to, I don't remember which party was which. I believe her husband wanted to pull the plug as per her wish. Probably. Yeah. And the family wanted to keep her on life support.

Sounds reasonable. Yeah. And so there was this big last, you know, 11th hour effort, a whole bunch of evangelicals went down to the hospital, made a big song and dance about trying to save her life. Yeah. You know, supposedly. And eventually the court ordered, they said, no, you idiots, we can have the husband. The husband has the right to pull the plug.

Like, you can't choose to make the husband suffer any more than he has. And this was also in her will. Her dying wish was, yes, pull the plug if there's no hope. And there was no hope. So that's what happened. So you would like that to apply to you killing your neighbor if I'm reading this solution correctly. Well, no, no, no.

Not killing, euthanizing, Dick. Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's out of mercy and compassion. And then finally, involuntary euthanasia is just called murder. Yeah. I know that one. Yeah.

You know that one, yeah. But before she goes, you get to spray her with a hose a couple times first, right? Yeah, would it be good enough just to euthanize her? I'll spray her with my hose. Yeah. Before and after. Didn't she turn the hose on you too?

Yeah, she did. She did, yeah, she drenched me with her hose. Which, by the way, if she had gotten closer to my apartment, I didn't want to show her where I lived, but if she gotten closer enough, I would have drenched her with the hose. Shove her right down or fucking throw that bitch. Yeah, it sounds real compassionate, but this is prompted out of compassion, Dick.

Yeah. And Sean, I do want to euthanize her. I feel like it's best for her and best for everybody if she was buried with two or three hundred pounds of dirt on top of her. Right. I think that would make everybody feel better,

especially her. Sounds like it. She doesn't sound happy. No. Euthanasia is legal in the Netherlands, Belgium, Luxembourg, Switzerland, Estonia,

Albania, and in some U.S. states in Washington, Oregon, and Montana. And starting in 2015, Quebec from Canada is joining this list of winners. Now we're talking about suicide,

though, with those people. Yeah, yeah. Not murder. This isn't murder, Dick. It's euthanasia. Okay. I'm just trying to keep it in the context of your introduction.

It's non-voluntary euthanasia. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, that's very smart. Rebranding some types of murder as non-voluntary euthanasia. Because no one will look it up. Like women's suffrage and women's suffrage. They don't look it up.

No, no one knows. It sounds bad, yeah. Pro non-voluntary euthanasia. I like it. Yeah, I like it. I'm on board. I got a nice ring to it. I'll do it.

I got free time. You call me up. When you get this through. Hey Dick, what are you doing this afternoon? Got anything going on? No. I want to come by and non-voluntary euthanize someone? Sure.

They're suffering, but more importantly, I'm suffering. Let me get a buzz on first. Yeah. We'll fuck it up. So there's a philosopher, Francis Bacon. Is that how it's pronounced? Francis Bacon. 17th century philosopher.

Oh, like it would be something weird, like Becon or something. Yeah, Franco. No, no, it's racist. Okay. He called euthanasia an easy, painless and happy death. I couldn't agree more. Francis, thank you,

thank you for writing in from the 17th century. So here's... Not talking about murder in that sentence. Dick, it's not murder! I'm talking specifically about non-voluntary and euthanasia, not involuntary euthanasia. Sick. All right. What else did he say?

Yeah, well, you know, there's an important distinction. Here's some arguments. Here's some arguments for euthanasia. It's awesome, right? There's the first argument, it's awesome. If we want more people to embrace euthanasia as a solution, we have to sex it up, don't you think? We have to gin it up a little bit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, sex it up, sure. Put up some billboards around town. Youthenasia, consider it. It's cool. Like a guy with a leather jacket going like, euthanasia, why not? The fonts. I do it. I euthanize my mom this morning.

Once is enough. What else can you say that about? One and does. It's a good solution. Boom. Right. What other solutions are so permanent, Dick? Huh?

I don't know. Just that one. This could be the biggest solution in the universe. Yeah. That's why I brought this in. It's a good solution. It will fix all problems. That's for sure. I'll get a good night's rest if she was euthanized.

If you euthanize yourself? Oh, if your neighbor's uniting. I mean, either way, I'd get a good night rest. Right, right. But especially if she was euthanized. Can't lose. You know, Dick, ever since she did that, I have been fantasizing about her dying. And she's never going to die because she's,

She's spry and young. She looks like she's 180 years old, but she looks like she's never going to die. But sometimes I just sit there when I can't sleep at night, and I think about her falling and breaking her hip. Did I talk about this before? No. Yeah, I sometimes imagine her falling and breaking her hip, and then nobody coming to her house, and then she just dies, starves to death, and her cats eat her face off. And then I roll over, and I just kind of sleep just like an angel. I just, I feel all cozy and I, you know, snuggle up, I curl up in my blankets and I feel so good thinking about that.

It makes me happy. Confessions of a non-voluntary euthanizer, you would say. Confessions, biography. The dreams of a non-voluntary euthanizer. Hey, I may get a Nobel Peace Prize for this. Sure. This is, I'm doing good work here. Obama's done a lot of non-voluntary euthanizing and he got one, right?

That's true. Yeah. Not as much as Bush, but that's true. Bush should get a Nobel Peace Prize. If Obama got one, why in it? Shoot, fuck it, why not? I think they should just give every U.S. President one, as soon as he gets in. Here you go, here's it.

Just like as one of their swag bags. Yeah. Here you go, here's a Nobel for you. Here's a booklet of all the Area 51 stuff, your Nobel Peace Prize. Yeah. Make sure it fits. Yeah. It's something, it's a talking piece in the room, right?

Yeah. I think we need to raise euthanasia awareness, Dick. I'm going to suggest I'm proposing that everyone on Facebook change their profile pictures to a spooky skeleton for 10 years

that's my solution to raise awareness for euthanasia I think it'll catch on I think it's a pretty good campaign do you think yeah that's real great yeah yeah a little bit slack to be but I think the time involved makes it we don't have times for problems on this episode

We're talking about solutions. And slacktivism is a solution in this universe, isn't it? Isn't it? Huh, you fucking morons, you want your raise awareness campaign. Here's a raising awareness for you. Anyway, Dick, here's another argument. It helps end the kind of suffering from terminal diseases, right? I mean, that's a real argument.

Right. That people who are suffering. You know the movie, Million Dollar Baby? I do. Yeah, that movie was about euthanasia. It was basically, I'm going to spoil it. I don't give a fuck if you haven't seen it. You guys are idiots.

The movie's been out forever. The movie is about this boxer Who had a really promising career And she fought everybody that she could in her class And she had to fight one last person Who had a reputation for being a dirty fighter And during the last round of the last fight She was about to win

And the bell rang for the round to end And the protagonist in the episode In the movie turned around and got sucker punched In the back of the head And she fell out over and she hit her neck on a stool and essentially broke her neck and she became

paralyzed. And she was in lots of pain, lots of suffering. And then there's a long weepy ending where Clint Eastwood just sits by her bedside and just cries for like 45 minutes. And you won't watch Titanic but you'll watch this shit? Well, I didn't know that shit was happening. So anyway, she got euthanized.

That's the ending of that movie. Good movie. Did you, let me ask you something. I don't know if, is your solution euthanasia, like all the types of euthanasia? Because it is funny what you're saying, but the actual, not the right to die, like not letting people

kill themselves, is kind of absurd. It is. That exists. We live in a world that is so oppressive and controlling, the idea that you cannot kill yourself is up for debate. Look, only you have the right

to decide what your life is worth. Yeah, right. And it's up to you. It's not up to anybody else. else. If your life is not worth living to you, you should be able to end it. You know, the fact that we're debating this so much is endemic of this, the problem that we're talking about here is whether or not we are allowing people to agency to live or not live. Did you ever read Scott Adams' diatribe about this? No. By the way, the creator of Dilbert, like the guy that draws Dilbert.

His dad had some kind of horrible cancer and he was trying to kill himself, but it was illegal for him to do so where he lived. And, you know, what I've learned on the TV show House is that doctors will leave the morphine thing, they'll leave the lock off of it, and kind of say, well, you know, I'm going to go for a little bit. I left the lock off of the thing, and if you were to hit this button, it would kill you.

Like, it would load you up with morphine, and then you would die as painlessly as it gets. Does that really happen, or is that just a fictional thing from House? I think it is a real thing They Like house had crazy things But then when they they dealt seriously With some things

And I took away from it that it was a serious thing That they were saying And it seems reasonable Because no doctor No learned man is just gonna sit there and go DERP I can't figure out a way To get around this law You know what I mean?

Yeah Like they're gonna go like Yeah you know The locks off Just take yourself out There's nothing we could do There's nothing we could do And a bunch of Bible thumping assholes

who like lording power over people's lives are not going to tell me a fucking doctor what to do, right? So Scott Adams, this happened to his dad, he wrote this invective piece on his blog, which gets millions of hits, Scott knows how many hits it gets, about how he hopes that every single person

who's against euthanasia, voluntary euthanasia, he didn't mention specifically, voluntary euthanasia, but I think it was implied. I'm pretty sure. Okay. That he wishes them like a, violent and horrible torturous death.

It was really jarring to read like someone who's just not an asshole on Tumblr, write this vitriolic-laced piece on their personal website. Like it was crazy. And then was there... And then was there a panel of Dilbert at the end

and said Mondays, am I right? Yeah. me and oh dick i'm i'm i'm going over on my time on this i'll just end uh real quick with this um this from telegraph you know one of the first uh first groups of state state sponsored euthanasia were the nazis the nazis i mean i guess making a good case for the final solution buddy they started uh it's not it's not what you think though it's not what you think nazi started killing disabled infants in 1939 as the first state sponsored euthanasia hitler's

condoned euthanasia for serious and congenital illnesses. There was a child named Gerhard Kretschmer, born blind with missing limbs. They called him an idiot. All right. Poor kid has no limbs. Literally can't defend himself. You idiot. Can't even see.

Look at this idiot. Like the fourth stooge. Larry Moe Curly and Stumpy. This is a quote from the article. It says, in his testimony, Dr. Brandt said, the father of a deformed child wrote to the furor. with a request to be allowed to take the life of his child or this creature. Hitler ordered me to...

Yeah. Real compassionate, the Nazis. Doesn't translate well. No. Hitler ordered me to take care of this case. The child had been born blind, seemed to be idiotic, and a leg and parts of the arm were missing. So they euthanized this kid. I guess, yeah, I guess the Nazis were ready to their time.

They found the solution, the final solution. It seems like we are an interesting time. It has always seemed like we're in an interesting time period to me because we don't have the technology to fix that stuff in vitro. Right. Yet, we're a progressive culture who understands human life and values it so we can't just knock these people off. Yeah. Right? Like a blind guy with no limbs is not going to have a good life, in my opinion.

Probably not. However, the idea of ending it prematurely, we cannot stomach. Yeah, we can't fix it. It's a gap in, you know. morals, and technology. You understand what I'm saying? Yeah, it is... It's unfortunate.

It is one of the most hotly debated philosophical points in bioethics today. People are constantly debating bio... And I wrote, I have a whole bunch of arguments here, but we don't have time to go into those. But I'll just end on this quick stat here. 84% of males support euthanasia, and only 64% of females. And physicians surveyed said that 45% would actually consider euthanasia. So that's hopeful. And this is non-voluntary

euthanasia, or did they not specify? You know, let's not get lost in the woods here, Dick. You know, let's not worry about the semantics here. They're probably talking about all types of euthanasia, except for involuntary. I'm not condoning murder here. I'm just saying non-voluntary and voluntary euthanasia I'm okay with.

How would the non-voluntary be carried out? Well, if we can... To further distinguish it from murder, how would you carry out non-voluntary euthanasia? Well, non-voluntary euthanasia, like, you know, you, you, like the Terry Shivo case, you overflow them with the, whatever, the morphine, like you said, right? Okay, in the case of your neighbor. Oh, in the case of my neighbor?

You know, just seal up her windows, seal up her doors and just pump gas. Carbon dioxide. It's a nice way. I think it's a nice way. Yeah, that's the same. Right. That's the same thing. It's a good, peaceful way to go.

It's a happy death. Yeah. And her cats will get one last meal. Anyway, that's my solution. Wow Euthanasia. All right, I don't know. We are running at a time.

I don't know which one to go with. I've got... Yeah, you know what? I'm going to... I'm going to go with this one. Guns. Guns, guns, guns. Guns. Big solution.

Oh, yeah? Big solution. Yeah. Actually, I would say it's integral to your solution. Could be. Could be. Yeah.

Could be. Not in the case of all those learned men are talking about, but I think your version of euthanasia, it is. Don't put words in my mouth, Dick. Yeah. Here's something for you.

you. Gunpowder was discovered in 850 AD because Chinese alchemists were trying to find a life elixir. Really? Yeah, they were trying to extend life. They were trying to find a powder to extend lives. Oh, the irony.

Yeah, and they invented gunpowder. Oh, that is the king of irony right there. That's amazing. I never heard that before. That's so funny. And I'm a huge... I mean, I'm a gun guy. I'm not a gun fanatic. Let's just say you're a gun. You are a gun. I'm a gun.

Lock me up. Yep. Yeah, let me see here. Guns don't kill people. Dick kills people. Well, I mean, we can just skip to that. So, yeah, so what is the argument here? I think that guns are dangerous.

Sure. But that they give people agency in their own lives. It's basically the, like, it's the only reason a person is able to defend themselves against any oppressive. force. I disagree, but go on. Why do you disagree? Because guns are irrelevant in a world where we have nuclear weapons. Guns. Guns are irrelevant in a world

where we have F-16s with sidewinders. We have scud missiles. We have rail guns. We have laser-guided missiles. We have all sorts of technology cluster bombs. We have all sorts of munitions. Guns are irrelevant, I think. I think that if an

oppressive military wanted to overthrow our government, say our military, and wipe out a large swath of the civilization, our little peace shooters aren't going to do anything. Wait, why does everybody use guns in war? Okay, go ahead. No, that's it. Yeah.

Why is that been? People use guns because of the Geneva conflict, and they're afraid of the repercussion from other governments if they don't play along. In warfare. I know the political argument. Right, right, right. That's why we're using guns. I'm talking about just you, a guy, in a house.

Yeah. Right. A gun's protecting you for. from other guys taking your shit. Whoever's holding the gun is protecting you from getting your shit taken, whether it's you or whether it's a cop.

Your shit is not getting taken constantly because everyone's afraid of getting shot. You know, Dick, I don't disagree entirely with that argument. However, just to play devil's advocate, how do you explain the low crime rates, like saying in gun-free countries like, or cities like Hong Kong? What? It's a gun-free city, and yet crime is incredibly low.

So the police don't carry around guns. There aren't guns in the populace in society. There are no guns anywhere? Very, very few. The military has them. And then their version of the SWAT, the SWAT force that they have, have them. And you see them at the airports and things like that to kind of dissuade terrorists. But in the civil population, I don't believe the police, I don't believe their civil force has guns.

And there's no crime? it's very low. Well, I don't know. I guess I would say their culture is different than ours. Yeah. That's an argument.

Yeah, that's an argument. Sometimes guns are used in protection and sometimes... I have stats on that. Yeah, let's hear it. Yeah. And they're all over the place, of course. Yeah.

Like, there's got... Let me see. Let me find... Estimates as low as 65,000 a year, as high as crackpot websites that have, like, designs on the background, like little bricks,

quote, as high as 2.5 million. but Clinton and the Department of Justice conducted a survey in 1994 that placed the usage of guns used in personal defense at 1.5 million times a year. Yep. That's a shitload, man. I know that stat is true because I've done a lot of research on this. Dick, I used to be, so I've always owned guns. Like, ever since I was a kid, my dad gave me a gun, and I had guns, you know, back at home. And, you know, I have my, I have guns.

But it was, I was never really a gun guy. And I was a little bit against guns. I was more for gun control for a long time. Why? Why? Because it's easy to make the case that if there were no guns, there would be no gun deaths, right? I mean, you can't argue that. Sure.

Right? If there were no guns, there would be no gun deaths. However, I started doing research into this, and I thought, well, there's got to be a rational reason. I like to believe that people who are in a large majority, like the other half of the debate, and it is pretty much like the other half of the debate, right? Yeah. And like half of people in America. own guns.

You know? Is it, is it that high? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let me double check that, but it is... You're probably right. Yeah. 192 million firearms. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm sorry, 44 million gun owners in the United States, 192, so it's not half. So this is, this was important enough to explicitly state in the Constitution. Right. The Second Amendment of the United States Constitution. And people make, you know, They raise a lot of stink about the exception for what's a militia.

Militia, regulated militia, which has not held up to scrutiny at the Supreme Court numerous times throughout history because it's not the narrow definition that gun opponents want to pin it with. So I started looking into this dick, and you're right, the 1.5 million times for defense is correct. And you know how many times, you probably know the stat, but you know how many people die per year from guns? I, yeah, I know how many people die and half of it is suicides. It's like 20. More than half. Like 60%. Yeah, it's about two-thirds. Yeah. Which, uh... What's the number? What's the exact number? I believe it's around 33,000. Yes. It's around there. It's somewhere around there. It's around 33,000 and I believe 22, about 22,000 of those are suicides. So if you remove, you know, what does that, what does that leave? Like 10, 10 to 11,000 people dying.

from guns. It's not a lot. It's not that much. And by the way, accidental deaths? Yeah. So between like their 1.8% of all the deaths are from accidental gun deaths. Kids, 347, or I'm sorry,

about let me see here, about 700 to 800 accidental deaths a year from guns. Yeah. From guns. You know what causes 347 accidental deaths a year? swimming pools drowning in a boat accident.

Really? Yeah. So using a boat is almost as likely to kill you by drowning as a gun. Yeah. Yeah, that's true, Dick. Well, I'm going to make a case. I'm going to play the other side, the devil's advocate here. What about people who say, well, if guns make murderers more lethal?

Like, for example. I think they do. I think they're dangerous. Okay. Yeah, in fact, in fact, and this is the point that I never hear being made about guns. Yeah. Is I feel that they're in some way self-regulating. Like, if people feel that they could not responsibly handle a gun, they won't get one.

There's just something, you disagree? I totally disagree. Because look at Adam Lanzah. Adam Lanzah was a kid who shot up Sandy Hook Elementary, right? Was that the guy, the guy's name? Adam Lange. I think it was Adam Lanzah. He's one of the killers.

He shot up, he was a mass shooter. Yeah. Whether or not it was Sandy Hook Elementary. It may have been the Colorado shooting. It may have been the Terry Gibbon. Who was the senator who got shot in Arizona? Gifford? Gifford.

Yeah, Kathy Gifford. That was her name, right? Whether, like, these people are mentally ill. If you go to their YouTube channels, like the guy who shot up Kathy Gifford, I went to his YouTube channel, the day of. It was before the media had really glommed onto it, and I was still able to access it, that it wasn't taken down. He posted all sorts of crazy nonsensical videos that he was talking in code and talking about

conspiracies. and was just out of his fucking mind. So I don't buy that, Dick. I don't buy that people who... It's self-regulating in that way. I'm talking about accidental deaths, like just people, regular people, not crazy people.

Now, if you're going to make the argument that crazy people are more dangerous because they have a gun, I absolutely agree with that. Yeah. And I think it's sad that no one can just say that. You know, like if you bring that up,

if you hear that argument on TV, you're going to hear some weird, like, backwards, um Rube Goldberg argument from the NRA about why that doesn't hold up you know what I mean? Like yeah guns make bad people more dangerous

sorry but they're still more important than that yeah so I a while back to dig I don't want to derail this whole thing but a while back I started doing research I've done a lot of research on this I have 10 pages of notes I've written about the gun issue

because I wanted to look at both sides of the debate and there's a lot of arguments for a lot of shitty arguments for and against gun control. And the shittiest argument I've heard against gun control is that it comes from the NRA and they say that the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun. That's absolutely patently not true. There's countless videos on YouTube where people are confronted with guns and they disarm them without a gun.

Sure. So that's absolutely not true. However, that 1.5 million times statistic is pretty conservative. Some people put it, you know, the 1.5 million people who defend themselves with guns is pretty conservative. Isn't that shocking? Yeah, it's pretty high. That's one every couple of seconds, isn't it? How many seconds are there in a year? One point five

million. That's got to be one every minute at least. Yeah, well, it's up there. You can make the case that there is a legitimate use for guns. However, you can't deny if there were no guns, there'd be no gun violence. No. Yeah. So what if you... I mean, that's

impossible, though. You can make a gun. Well, the reason I started to look into this debate is because I started reading some cop forums, and the cops were talking about gun control as a potential, like, as an actual thing, because cops would don't want guns on the street. It would make their jobs a lot easier. Oh, they hate them. They hate them. Yeah, cops would love there to be no guns except in their hands, so they'd be more lethal and they wield more control over everyone. So I read a cop saying, when they were talking about the Sandy Hook Elementary and they were talking

about gun legislation, they said, well, what if we actually had to go around collecting guns. Can you imagine being a police officer going door to door asking people for guns? 192 million of them. You got to round up. Yeah. It's a lot. And you think that people are just going to voluntarily, here you go, here's my gun. Of course not. The cops are going to get shot at.

No, and that's my biggest reason for why I'm glad we have them in America because the cops are afraid of them. Yeah, I guess that's good. I mean, it's bad that we have to have that as a thing that cops fear to do their jobs, but I guess that's an argument, yeah. Yeah. So the reason

I brought this in is a bunch of people emailed and commented on asking how I changed gun law. Oh yeah, you mentioned that. Me and my life coach changed gun law in California. That's a good story. Yeah, so I wanted to tell that. So people stop asking. So my life coach is a huge guns rights

supporter. Yeah. Like he's nuts over guns. No. He's got, when his wife travels away, he gets all of his guns out and lines him up on the table like he's playing with his dolls. And he sends me pictures of it. Like he cleans them, he goes through them. This guy knows every single in and out

of the gun laws, right? I mean, if he's playing with his guns, it sounds stupid. It sounds like that's a good way to get accidentally shot. Well, they're not low. Is it? Yes. That's just... That's the classic way people get shot with their guns is they think that the chamber was empty and there was one last

bullet in there and they fucking shot their wife. I've read so many stories when I was doing research where accidental deaths happened like that. Well, his wife is away. Okay. Good thing there's no risk. I don't think it's so crazy just to like have a weapon and take it out and clean it and be familiar with it. Cleaning it is fine, but you don't leave it around the house.

What is that? What do you mean you don't leave it around the house? He's just leaving him on the counter? He's taking them out and inspecting them. Admiring them, isn't he? He's probably naked. He probably takes his pants out, doesn't he? Aren't you supposed to?

Isn't that a gun safety rule? Well, you got to clean that pipe somehow. Okay, so we used to go to these things called open carry events. Yeah, what is an open carry event? An open carry event is in America. Yeah. You are allowed to open, in California specifically, you are not allowed to carry a gun hidden.

You are not allowed to conceal a gun, but you're allowed to walk around with it open, like on your hip, in a holster. Okay. And there are rules governing that, but you are allowed to have a gun on your person as long as you display it. And for people who don't know, why would you want to do that?

Well, what do you mean? Why would you want to have an open carry event? Like, why is that a thing? Why does that exist? Oh, to raise awareness that this is a thing. to raise awareness. Right, now you're going to say, right, what a slacktivist I am that we,

now I do it, I would do it with him because I think it's funny. Okay, right? You're walking around with all these people having guns on their hips. Yeah. It's a spectacle, man. Like people, some people are freaked out.

They won't let you come into their restaurant because other people complain to the restaurant that they don't feel comfortable around guns for whatever reason, or they don't support, there being guns or whatever so you'll get kicked out from restaurant to restaurant eventually you'll find a restaurant that will take you in

you know like Mary and Joseph at the inn and it'll be a bunch of people It'll be dozens of people of various backgrounds Like it's always surprised me where these people came from Who are passionate about gun rights Sitting in a restaurant with guns on their hips Not loaded of course because that's illegal Eating dinner

And I thought that was fascinating It does sound fascinating and it would make me nervous to be around that because, of course, the businesses are right to kick these people out, and customers are right to complain because I'm not going to feel safe if some dipshit has a guy,

I don't know you, I don't trust you, I don't trust that you have the safety on, I don't trust that you don't have a bullet in the chamber, your gun might fucking go off, whereas if it wasn't out there, it might not. What you're saying is not crazy. Yeah. I will say, it's interesting

that you'd be more afraid of that than getting hit by a drunk driver on the way home when one is way more likely. However, I don't think you're crazy for saying that. Sure. You know what I'm saying? I also felt nervous. Yeah, okay.

Because I know these guys, I'm looking at them, I'm hearing them make jokes, and I know they're itching to bust out these guns and use them for what they're designed for. Murdering bad guys. I'm sure they're fantasizing about that. Oh, and it was crazy. Like, it made me uncomfortable listening

and being a part of the thing, hearing them, hearing them, like, just feeling it. You could just feel it. I'm like, I fucking know you guys are just itching for somebody to come in and rob this place. Oh, they are. They have that Wild West fantasy where they're going to stop, they're going to save the day. Some of them. Some of them definitely do. Not all of them.

Sure. Like there's just normal Americans there doing this thing, right? So, but they're all doing it for purposes of raising awareness for gun rights. Okay. Because the idea is if you get people more familiar with guns, they won't be so afraid of them, right? Benches slacktivists. Pure slactivism, right? Yeah.

Okay. So slactivist. and this is where it gets into changing the law. In San Diego, they got this shit banned. So they said, you know what? They got the open carry events band? They got open carrying band. Wow.

So they said, you know what? You're no longer allowed to do that. You guys did this so much, and you pissed so many people off, and you got so many people afraid that they rallied the forces against us and got it illegalized and got it verboten, right? Yeah. You guys are no longer allowed legally to open,

carry. Here you go, idiot. Yeah. Idiot, right? Yeah. You guys won, right? Well, guess what? The Constitution says you got to be able to have either closed or open carry.

So if we can't open carry, we're fucking closed carrying. Uh-huh. So they got the decision came in. I don't know if you're aware of this, but in L.A., recently, the law was changed so that you could conceal carry because they had to give you one. Oh. And they had just stopped open carry. So they're like, well, what the fuck are we going to do then?

We can't remove their amendment rights. We got to give them one or the other. So they concealed carry went through and they could no longer just reject your application to conceal carry. Of course, it got all fucked up and a bunch of legal mumbo-jumbo political stuff is getting it deferred.

And for like 10 years, that just came through. But that's what happened. That's what happened. So you got, you dickheads were the reason that California law changed. Yeah. Wow. Us and our stupid open carry event, our stupid slacktivism, everyone hated so much that they overreached so far to shut our fun down

that they fucked up the whole law. Made it even worse. Yeah. Now everyone's carrying concealed. You don't know who's carrying a gun. Exactly. Yeah. You know what, I think I actually prefer that.

I think I prefer concealed. You know, and these gun slagivists are saying, well, we got to have open carry because if we don't have that, we got to have closed carry because those are the only two options. can't just like fucking go to a place and chill the fuck out and order a taco and shut the fuck up and go home and live your fucking life like you're not a fucking super cop going to save the fucking day. By the way, the instances of crime are so low that the odds of that even occurring, that fantasy scenario is so low that you're more likely get struck by lightning, I think. There's that guy, maybe not lightning, but you know, you're more likely, like you said,

get hit by a drunk driver. There's a video a while back where an old man He was inside this casino. I believe in Nevada or someplace, maybe California and Indian Reservation. He was in a casino, and this guy came in to, a couple of thugs came in to rob the place, right? And this old man pulled his gun out and started shooting like crazy at these two guys.

And they got scared and they scrambled and they ran out of the place. And the guy was like, oh, big hero, big hero. Oh, no. However, he didn't hit a single one of those criminals. So those are over six shots that are just going out in public, just going out stray shots. Thank God he didn't kill somebody.

But you know who did kill somebody? Cops in New York. There was a guy who was there to do like a mass shooting. He was there with a gun. He was threatening people. This was about two years ago. Yeah. And NYPD showed up.

Nine people got shot. Not a single one was from the terrorist. All of them from NYPD. What did they do? What is opened up on? Yeah, they tried. to shoot this guy and all these stray bullets are flying around in New York and like

time fucking square and shooting just random pedestrians and visitors and tourists. They're the ones, and I believe like two people died and nine people got shot by NYPD Zero from the terrorists. Shouldn't they be having rubber bullets if they're going to be popping them off like that? I mean, I don't know. That's a pretty easy fix. Yeah, but

they'll knock you over. Yeah, but they're also shooting at an actual criminal who may be wearing body armor. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. That's what I I don't know that guns are a great solution for crime. You know what, Dick, you were actually one of the people who persuaded me for the gun debate argument. Well, because it's military police.

That's the only thing. What did I persuade you? No, not that. I always thought that trying to shoot a criminal was a stupid thing to do, especially if you live in a populated city. Because there's a good likelihood. There's a higher probability that you'll hit someone else with a stray bullet, which would just be awful. It's worse to kill an innocent person than to... let a guilty man go, I think.

But you told me that guns aren't meant to be shot in self-defense at the actual criminal. You fire off a warning shot in the ceiling or the floor, and hopefully you're not in an apartment building with lots of people around. Oh, if you're like protecting your house? Yeah, you fire off a warning shot. Yeah, the idea of you're executing someone for breaking into your house is a little bit. I don't know if that's the best way to go about it. Just pop it off.

That's involuntary euthanasia. That's murder. Yeah, that's not what I think that guns are designed to do But I think the majority people who are gun owners Who have that fantasy of being a, you know, the good guy who Who shoots the bad guy That's what they're fantasizing about You know, I hesitate to agree with you because I think you're right because it's like very projecty

Yeah Like I don't want to assume that that's what all of these people are looking to do Not all of them A lot of them, too many Guns replaced Old Guard weapons because they were more economical Rather than more lethal How about that? Do you know that? Old Guard, what are?

is an old guard weapon. Old guards, this is like, um, swords, crossbows, shit like that. Millie weapons. Yeah. Lifelong devotion was required to become a highly skilled swordsman or archer, but a few weeks or months of training could turn any lower class soldier into a skilled gunner. Guns dehorced the aristocrats. It's pretty important. Dehorced the aristocrats. Yep, power to the people, buddy. That's what guns give you. Oh. Instant power. I guess, you know, Back in a time before we had nuclear weapons and thermal weapons. Those aren't going to be used on, that's like a bargaining chip for governments. Nuclear weapons.

Sean, back to your point at the top of the show with Dick's problem, you said that why do they use rifles in military? I mean, we don't, for the most part. Especially the U.S. government, we've been just dropping bombs. The shock and a campaign was almost entirely Air Force when it started, right? But that's for terrorist cells. We use drones and stuff like that. I'm talking about like an actual war. If you go to war with each other,

guns are far more prevalent than anything else. And soldiers have to go in and lace the targets. They don't just shoot bombs willy-nilly. We've got to have ground troops down there checking things out first. It helps, it helps. But lately we have them, especially in Pakistan. Are you kidding me?

We've just been drone bombing those guys non-stop. It's insane. Yeah, and the drone bombs have been non-stop. And we're killing civilians doing it. And Obama upped that campaign. That's one of the things that a lot of the liberal are really pissed off at him about was he took the Bush program and took it much further. And people say, hey, they're killing, you know, they've killed like a husband and wife on their

wedding day. But, Sean, he got a- Oh, that sucks. He got a Nobel Prize. He got a Nobel Prize. What are you talking about? Sounds like a peaceful president. Perfect. Yeah. I got one, go ahead. No, go ahead. I got one more story about my life coach. So they have these, they have these like safety commissions at City Hall once every like six years. It's very rare that you're allowed to go in. And, you're allowed to go in, and speak as a citizen of a city in L.A. on what you think gun rights and safety should be about in the city. Right, right. So he's big on having his voice heard.

Of course. And participating in politics. Yeah. Which I, you scoffat somewhat, you have disdain for that, I would never go to a city hall meeting and give my voice on anything, right? Because I feel like I'm talking to a bunch of soulless robots. I have no faith in the process. Yeah.

But he does. Sure. So he spent all night putting together like all these detailed stats on gun safety and gun ownership. Uh-huh. And he's, you've never seen this guy put so much work and passion into something, right? Imagine he's using glue and glitter. Yeah, like a child, like constructing this beautiful diorama for the science fair the next day. Yeah.

He pours his whole, like all of his knowledge and concentration, his heart and soul into this thing. next day the safety council thing happens to city hall sleeps through it see you in six years that is the most slacktivist thing that I've ever heard

a slacktivus do that is insane well we did it once yeah well good job buddy do we have we don't have any time do you want to do solutions you want to do any more solutions you want a lightning round

yeah we'll do a lightning round we'll do it real quick because my next solution is related to my first solution buddy Oh, good. Retirement homes. Oh. Yeah.

That's my solution. Retirement homes. Is that what you're calling gas chambers in your weird society? No, man. Hey, Hitler did that for a youth to put him out of his misery, supposedly. No, no, gas chambers are not a solution dick.

Retirement homes, actual retirement homes. These are ones where you drop off old people who can't care for themselves. Or are insane and bligerent assholes who terrorize the neighborhood with a megaphone and punch people in the face or the chest. And they're what you threaten your parents with. Yeah, it's funny you mention that, Sean,

because my brother actually does that vocally with my parents. So, yeah, my brother always comes in, he comes in the house like, oh, I can't wait until you guys die, or I put you in a retirement home, I'm going to knock this wall down, I'm going to turn this into my office, I'm going to put a jacuzzi here.

And I'm not even sure. He's not saying it with a wink and a nod. He's not saying it tongue and cheek. I think he's just that deranged. He wants to take my parents to an old folk home. It's pretty fucked. But anyway, people who can't care

for themselves, Dick, retirement homes are a potential solution. However, while I was doing research, all I kept finding were negative stories about retirement homes. But I think it's because people are trying to find some controversy there. I think retirement homes get you laid.

Yeah. And yeah. Where else are those people going to... You take all these old timers, You know they have limited time left and put them together, man. Yeah. That's like STD shoot up at like, it's like 16 and 65. Really?

That's exactly right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a really sharp curve among old people. Because they don't give it fuck anymore and they get packed together in these homes. Yeah, and they're big shots again. Like they're back in high school, man. And they're like, oh, I'm doing this up right now. I'm fucking everything that moves.

That sounds amazing. Getting old people laid. Yeah, getting old people laid. That's pretty cool. And also, they can get pregnant, right? Everyone's past menopause, no condoms. Men can't. I don't think the women can after 65. Men can get pregnant? Yeah.

It reverses. You may be able to get over. Would you stop having sex if you could get pregnant at 65? Or would you use condoms? I don't want to, I don't know. 65, I've never thought of being that old. Let's see, what did I say 30 episodes back about condoms? Yeah, yeah.

Mine's racing back. So, do I have a dick still? Do you ever? I can get pregnant, though, over 65? Yeah, you can get pregnant. Oof. I don't know, I'd have to think about it. Yeah.

Every time you shoot, man, you get a, you get a, there's a chance it could just like, I don't know, the sperm go backwards right into your ovaries. Your testicles turn into ovaries. Right. Yeah. There's a hypothetical for you. Seven out of 10 Americans over the age 65 will need long-term care, and 55% of those have surveyed oldies.

my word, said that they were afraid of being a burden on their family. So more people, more old people are afraid of burdening their family than they are of going to retirement homes. And there's a lot of stigma associated with retirement homes, but the ones I've been to and the ones I keep, I've read about, sound pretty good. They do offer pretty good care. And a lot of them are for-profit. And I think the for-profit ones are probably a better way to go than government run ones. Those are ones that come through with Medicare. I believe that there is provisions in Medicare. Do you know the difference between Medicare and Medicaid?

No. Medicare is for old people. Medicaid is for poor people. Correct, yeah. And I remember that because I took a class called society, I don't know, some civics class or whatever. I just found it interesting. I was walking through the course, the bookstore, and I picked up the syllabus for this class. And it sounded interesting, so I signed up for it.

But the professor said, you can remember that because people in America care about old people, and they don't about poor people. So that's why Medicare is so much more funded than Medicaid. Yeah, so there's 15,000 nursing homes. Most of them are for-profit. I think that's a good thing. But I did see this on ABCNews.gov.com. They said, elderly abused at one in three nursing homes that they searched. And it said here, in one case, attendants bribed a brain-damaged patient with cigarettes to attack.

another resident, then watch the two fight. That's rough. However, um... Non-voluntary use in Asia for those guys. Yeah. Yeah, for everybody involved. Just put everyone down. Put everyone down.

Um, however, uh, they did say that that number is inflated because they count any amount, any kind of, uh, injury that happens to an old person in a retirement home as abuse, uh, whether or not it was caused by another person theirs. So sometimes people fight and they slap each other and they get hurt and they count that as abuse. They count them beating each other. up as abuse? Yes.

Oh, that's stupid. They blame it on the retirement home. Why do they do that to stats? Why did they just aggressively ruin them? Who's doing that? Here's going back to what we said, or what you were talking about on the last episode, I think, or the episode before, about life expectancy,

where I believe the United States is the only country in the world, and this was true last I checked, that counts murder into the life expectancy. I've heard that. Yeah, where it's, so it brings the average down a little bit. Not that there's like millions of people killed a year, but they're like young people. They're like 19, like most, you know, most murdering happens. Yeah, they can be. It definitely hurts.

It hurts the average. Yeah. Yeah, that's weird. Good job, America. Is that your solution? Yeah, anyway, Dick, retirement homes, it's my solution. It's pretty good one. Hey, I forgot some stuff for guns. You couldn't have die hard without guns.

Oh, that's true. That'd be a big problem. Or Rambo. Oh, I fucking love Rambo. Or finger shooting guns? That's hilarious. That wouldn't make any sense. No. All right. I got a last solution for you.

Couldn't have Contra either. Yeah, what's your final solution, Dick? Well, you've been really excited recently about your campaign to elevate monkeys as a problem. Yeah. But you know what? Monkeys are a big solution, Maddox. What? I'm not going to sit here and listen to you badmouthed monkeys.

When monkeys are, number one, the only reason we're in space. That's not fucking true. How about that? Monkeys didn't invent rockets, dickhead. That's not the only reason we're in space. They got us up there. No, they didn't. Without their contribution, we would just be like, I don't know, maybe.

it's safe, maybe it's not. Dick, I'm not gonna let you defend monkeys when they could have been replaced with a fucking spotted pig or a dandelion. Are you saying you know more than NASA? They obviously used monkeys for a reason. They used monkeys because they're the most similar to certain people. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yeah. Certain people. Yeah, you caught that, Sean. The first ever monkey astronaut was named Albert. Who rode to over 63 kilometers on a V-2 rocket. Albert died of suffocation during the flight. Albert was followed by Albert 2, who survived the V2 flight but died on impact after a parachute failure.

Albert 2 became the first monkey in space. How about that? Are you sure NASA is not the solution, man? They're wiping out monkeys left and right in capsules? Albert 3 died at 35,000 feet in an explosion of his V2 rocket. Albert 4 on the last monkey V2 flight died on impact on December 8th that year after another So nobody made it? None of them made it? None of these monkeys made it. Why did we shoot people into space given that the monkeys all died? They gave in they were testing the V2 rocket Sean. They made sacrifices, invaluable sacrifices for our species as a whole. Invaluble. This didn't help monkey kind at all.

It only helped humankind. Yeah. They're only giving. There are retarded genetic ancestors and they only want to help us. And I'll be damned if you're gonna call them a problem for that. They got us into space. Look at this. Look at this chimp. You see this chimp? Yeah. Ham? He's done more for us getting into space than you can even imagine. That's bullshit. That's bullshit, dick. You have not done as much as this monkey for us. That is involuntary. That's what that is. That monkey did not consent to going into space.

That dumb-ass monkey probably thought he was being shot to a playground. You know what? One of the monkeys, one of the monkeys that they shot up, so they're testing him on, like, pressing buttons to see the effects on your brain of space travel. Like, legitimately, they want to test how a human mind will work in space before we send one up there, right? So you test it on monkeys because they're similar. I guess. That's why they...

You can't hook up... up to a brain scan machine and see how it affects, and see the effects on space on a potato, all right, you fucker? So they send the monkey up there. They train the monkey to press buttons at a certain time during the mission, right? And they reward him. They reward him with treats and they punish him with shocks before they send him up. They sent one monkey up to do this after training him, and they fucked up the wiring.

So it shocked him when he did the right thing, but he kept doing the right thing because that's what he was trained to do, and he wanted to get humans into space ahead of the Russians. Oh, man, that monkey sounds like he was smarter than the dipshit who crossed the wiring for the simple... It was like a 50% chance of getting it right. Yeah. That moron, whoever set up that machine, they didn't test it before they launched this monkey into space? I don't know, they got a lot of other things. You know what?

Maybe it was a monkey who designed the system. Go on monkeys, people. Testing. Testing. Scientific testing. Right? Yeah. We got to do it on monkeys.

We're trying to fix, man. We're trying to fix real human problems. Like schizophrenia, obsessive-compulsive disorder, attention deficit, hyperactivity disorder, depression. We're performing these tests on monkey brains. Two words. Inmates. Wait, Sean, are you sure it wasn't? Three little words.

Well, I tried. Yeah, close enough. Sean, shut up. No monkeys ever deleted a podcast. Hey! That's debatable. Monkeys can't work keyboards as efficiently. Worldwide, between 100,000 and 200,000 non-human primates are used in monkey research every year to save human lives, Maddox.

Yeah. Monkeys are sacrificing themselves hand over fist by the hundreds of thousands. It's not a sacrifice if they don't know they're sacrificing themselves. That doesn't fucking count. Testing disease prevention. Yeah. Like HPIV. Monkeys are being tested.

Cures are being tested on monkeys with that. For us. Yeah. For us. It's like practice uses to practice things on. Yeah, practice us. That applies to us. You see?

Things we don't have to care about really. You can just buy new ones. Because we have such low regard for monkeys is the solution. It's not monkeys themselves. It's humans who have no regard for monkeys. It's humans who choose non-voluntary testing on animals. I like that. I'm all for it.

And people who are against animal testing, fuck off. Don't use the benefits of animal testing. If you really strongly believe in that, don't take drugs, don't take pills. Don't use anything that would. Don't use your fucking, your precious iPhone that you use to tweet at and check PETA's website. Don't use GPS because all the shit, all the technology came from animal testing, right? Animal testing. Helped us with a space race.

Monkeys did. Monkey testing. Stop your agenda, dick. This isn't about, this isn't about, this isn't. about that agenda. Well, what other animal did? Chickens didn't help us get into space? I bet they did. The astronauts probably ate something. The engineers probably ate something. It's probably chicken sandwich. Satire. Monkeys are also good at satire. Oh, you motherfucker. Pierre Brasseau was a chimp who, this other guy, let me see,

Alexin, uh, achy Alexin, I can't even pronounce it. He got this monkey to paint a bunch of paintings and put him up at an art show. Oh, that's hilarious. Yeah, and they were called, uh, Let me try to find this. Brasso, he named him. He named the monkey Pierre Brasso, and the critics said, Brasso paints with powerful strokes, but also with clear determination.

His brush strokes twist with a furious, fastidiousness. Pierre is an artist who performs with a delicacy of a ballet dancer. And then the guy said, yeah, that was a monkey, idiots. So fuck you. Without monkeys, he couldn't have made that important point about the hypocrisy of the art world. And I know you hate phonies. That's ridiculous.

They could have done it with elephants, sick. They taught elephants how to paint in fucking wherever, Africa, Thailand, someplace like that. They taught elephant, they could have done it with elephants. Helper monkeys. A helper monkey can assist you with turning pages, scratching itches, retrieving. This is from monkeyhelpers.org. I already checked that not anyone could apply for a helper monkey. Are there any, I'm just curious, are there any helper monkeys that help not spread Ebola

and other communicable diseases that could potentially work? about the human race. I'm just curious. What are you talking about? I'm talking about the problem with monkeys, Dick, is that they're disease carriers that are the closest relatives to humans and the potential undoing for mankind. But you said Ebola wasn't a problem. That's right, Maddo you did say that.

No, no. Ebola specifically is not. However, the types of diseases that mutate AIDS, the origin of AIDS came from monkeys, Ebola came from monkeys, all these really scary diseases. And I believe the bubonic play, you know, you could probably trace every disease back to monkeys. They came from rats, you fucker. You know what, Maddox?

In 50 years, when you're in your dumb Oculus Rift in a coffin getting shot to Mars, I want you to think and thank a monkey for getting you there. A monkey who's going to be the first one to test your dumb virtual reality with shit plugged into their brains. They're going to test that on a monkey

because they're close to us, biologically. They don't have to, Dick, because I volunteer. And you know what, Dick? And you know what? I invite monkeys onto my rocket ship to Mars. I need monkeys around to rest my feet on. I would love for there to be monkeys around to sit on, to sleep on.

I'll just make a bed full of monkeys and I'll just sleep on them. I'll put them in a big, big box with a glass on top, so I can just like stare at the monkeys underneath me the entire time while I'm like restfully sleeping, thinking of my crazy hippie neighbor dying with the cats eating her face off. That's my solution, buddy. Monkey's a big solution. Monkey's a big problem.

Go vote it up, you fucker. Monkey saves your life every day. No, they don't. No, they don't. No, they don't. No, monkeys are disease carriers, and they may be our potential on doing. I, you know, I keep hinting at it because I don't want to say I'm a prophet. But this is a little bit prophetic because I think that the next great disease, the next big disease is going to come from monkeys. And it's going to be something we've never seen before.

And it's going to be something awful that kills millions of people. were long overdue for the next pandemic. And it's going to come from monkeys. Thank you, Nostra dumbass. What are your solutions? Uthanasia, asshole, and retirement homes. All right, mine are guns and monkeys. Go vote up monkeys, people.

Go vote down monkeys as the solution, but up as a problem. Fuck! You fucked up everything, Dick! Go to hell. Regarding Maddox's Oculus Rift solution, there's one glaring problem in that entire thing, and namely computer viruses. I guarantee you the minute that Maddox and your master race of disembodied brains are hooked up to your Matrix. Oculus Rift, some idiot will put a computer virus on and turn your paradise into some shelf's gate full of apple fans and monkeys. That's true. Wow, so current existence?

I mean, if we go back to this, what he's essentially saying is our current existence is a hellscape. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I'm not too worried about viruses, man. In the virtual world, you could probably combat violence viruses with your fists. Hey, Dick, I got a Maddox versus Maddox for you. Fuck.

Fucking Maddox wants to talk about Oculus Rift. They're all Oculus Rift. And fucking not sleeping and dreaming and all that shit. It's the same fucking thing. What? You fucking sleep. You fucking dream. Lucid dreaming.

No. You control your dreams. You control the fucking Oculus Rift. He wants to say that you fucking go out and you do shit instead of sleeping. You're not doing shit in an Oculus Rift. You're sitting there rotting away. Nutrients being fed up your brain. Fucking bullshit.

Wrong. Go out and fucking do something instead of playing your fucking shitty video games. and your stupid Oculus Rift and that, and by the way, go fuck yourself. You know what? Fuckhead? Listen, I'm going to tell you exactly why you're a dildo. Okay, first of all,

you don't fucking understand anything about the Oculus Rift. You've never tried it. You don't understand. This is an experience. It's not like dreaming because in dreams people can't curate the adventure for you,

can the asshole? You can't go to Spain or Paris? You can't have somebody curate an adventure and show you places you've never seen that they created themselves. They can't, in dreams, you can't watch movies that you've never seen unless it's been scripted.

And here's why it's different from a dream dick. If you were in a mansion that had a hundred rooms in a dream, in order for that to be real, you would have to remember the details of every single room, every single time, to consistently go in and have that same consistent experience, don't you? In the Oculus Rift or in the virtual world, you don't have to remember shit because it's all programmed and it's all there and it's all way more real and static than you're both. bullshit-ass dream. Fuck you, and that's why you're a dildo. The hell he is a dildo.

Yeah. Go vote up monkeys. Fuck you, Nick.