The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Bonus Episode 9

Episode Date: May 26, 2018

Welcome to the biggest solution in the universe, the show where we discuss every solution in the universe from abortion to soap with over 3.5 million downloads. This is the only show where you decide what should or shouldn't be on the big list of solutions. I am Maddox with me as Dick Masterson and Sean our audio engineer. Hey, welcome back. Closer. Abortion to soap. Abortion to soap. We get a Z out of there someday. Xenophobia. That's going to be our next solution.

That starts with the next. but that's so close. Closer. Phonetically. Zophilia. Yeah. It doesn't have to be alphabetical. It could be in scope.

Scope rhymes of soap. Anyway, guys. Welcome back to bonus episode number, this is nine, right? Bonus episode number nine. Wow, nine of these. Thanks for hanging in there. Thanks for buying them.

Almost. No, I'm going to say you're welcome. You're welcome for the quality, the caliber of show that we do Dick and I and Sean. We work our asses off. Yeah. So I'm going to, I'm going to say, You're welcome, and I will take the things.

Okay. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you, Max, for making this possible. You're welcome, Dick. All right. We don't need to talk about last month, do we? We do.

Who cares? Let's talk about the solutions from last month, Dick. Not a contest. Yeah, no, it's not a contest, that's true. Critical thinking. Okay, that was the solution that we brought in. That you brought in. Critical thinking.

The, the, the, essentially I boiled it down to asking the asking, questions, always asking questions, right? Challenging assumptions. Challenging any stat or fact that's given or any thought that's presented as obvious, challenging it, breaking it down and being a total obnoxious prick all the time, basically. You fucking anti-intellectual. You're already pushing it. Okay, and then boxes, boxes was my other solution, boxes. People thought that was a solution. Can I read you a comment about that? Well, hold on, let's get through this list, Dick. It's a funny comment about boxes. Okay, what? Joe Ferrar, Dick and Maddox arguing about the definition of a box

is akin to that post from bodybuilding.com where the gym rats argue about how many days in the week there are. Yeah, great. I got a follow up to that, but I'll get through this list first. Cuteness was the other solution you brought in. Dick, that came in third as a solution in the positive territory. So people thought the cuteness was a solution. God damn it.

Here it comes. And then the corporation was a problem. The greatest invention humans have ever conceived of. got in, was it in the negatives? It was in the negatives, yeah. So people thought it was a problem. Cuteness, beat out the corporation? Cuteness.

You guys, that says something about you guys voting, okay? You think cute shit is more important, is a bigger solution than the legal entity of the corporation? Well, I got a comment from Adam James Osborne. He says, Dick, bringing in corporations as a solution could have been an outstanding choice. Oh, fuck. If you did some fucking research,

and brought in a cogent argument, you keep giving me intellectual blue balls by doing the shit. It's like two tugs and out the door. Look, look, look, look. Here's the thing about bringing in something like the corporation. As this, as exhibited by this show, 50% of people think that corporations are bad. I'm not pitching this to people who already know they're good.

I'm trying to change minds here. Yeah. I'm trying to help anyone who voted down the corporation. You've got to change your thinking, man. That kind of thinking. is not going to get you ahead in life. You've got to understand what a corporation is. Yeah.

And you are the best person to do that. Clearly not. Clearly not. Someone else made a comment. There were some really cogent defenses of corporations in the comments. And I thought, wow, these are actually really good points. And I actually agreed with them.

And I said, well, too bad Dick didn't bring any of that shit in because I would have been on more on your side, Dick. What were they? I don't remember. I think someone essentially said that corporations allow for the type of investment you get into new technology that you wouldn't get otherwise. Oh, I said that, basically. No.

I basically said that. You basically didn't. And then I got a comment here, Dick. This was on Twitter from at Kilu 777. He says, gun control? No problem. Boxes, controversy time. Yeah.

Because we argued so much about boxes. And Dick, I made these comics. I don't know if you remember these... Take our boxes out of our dead hands. Oh, yeah. I kept talking about boxes all weekend. Everyone was annoyed. But I really, I think boxes are awesome.

There's so many boxes. There's metaphorical boxes. There's boxes we live in. There's boxes we shop in. So I made these comics and I posted it. It's called The Adventures of Dick in a Box. And, Sean, in the first panel, they're all three panel comics. The first panel shows a judge.

And he says, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, please take your seat in the jury box. The second panel shows Dick sitting back, saying, actually, Your Honor, it's not a box unless it has six sides. And the judge looks at you like an idiot. Oh, wow, that's a great joke. Yeah, it's a great joke. Watch out, Garfield.

People loved it. Yeah, this coming from a guy who defines a box. All boxes must have six sides, right? There comes Maddox. Yeah. The second adventures of Dick in a box shows a kid protesting

with his parents at some rallies. It says no big box stores. It shows Dick, there's no such things but big box stores. stores are boxes and the kid just staring off into the distance so your punchline on all these comics are they people looking at me with a dumb look on their faces

yeah essentially that's the punchline for all these because you were calling a box without a lid it's a tube you said it's a square tube what Sean stores all of his audio equipment in a square in a plastic metal tube in a server rack yeah server racks they have lids dickhead just because the lids aren't on it right now

doesn't mean it's not a box I don't know, ask the expert, ask the audio engineer. I assume he went to some kind of schooling for audio equipment. Would you consider that a sound box? It's just called a rack. Yeah, it's just called a rack? You know what, Dickhead? After that episode, I went and I googled it.

I checked Google images. I typed in server rack, and of course, this exact server rack came up, this box. But then I typed in server box and the exact same thing came up, too. The same exact box. It's called a box or a rack. You guys are being pedantic as fuck. All right. Yeah, we're the pedantic one.

Yep, that's right, Sean. You said that sarcastically, but I took it literally. Fuck you. Yeah. Hero. Oh, Dick, before we go on... I got a comment. Oh, you want to do this?

Yeah, before we go on... We need to mention, we got this back in March from a fan. A fan of ours sent us a really good gift. Anthony. Anthony, aka called de Copse IDGAF, which means I don't give a fuck. Yep, called the... Call the Cops, IDGAF. He sent us a board game.

a board game based on the biggest problem in the universe. And Dick, I got to say by far this is the most impressive, comprehensive, involved gift I think the show has ever received. Well, it is because it's not the craftsmanship of the board per se, because it looks like it was made by a fifth grader. Would you agree? An advanced fifth grader. Sure, like one of the kids in like an advanced studies

where they get to take an hour off every week and pretend that they're getting enriched in another class. This kid is definitely a candidate for a satellite school. He didn't get in, but he's definitely a candidate. Maybe he's at a Montessori school. I'm not throwing that out. However, what impresses me the most about this game is the cards. It's a curling track.

The board game has spaces that curl around the board, but it's driven by this stack of cards, and every one of these cards is a different reference to the show. Oh, it's insane. There's probably a stack of 200 of these cards, and we're going to be playing this throughout the show. He even went to as much trouble as to make the chips. There's four playable chips, one with my face on it, one with Dix, one with Shons, and one with boisterous coconuts, our own Asturios Coconos. Let me read you one of the cards that he's over, just for a taste. And we have four players in the studio today. We're joined by a guest today who's

just listening in, and we're going to be playing this. We do. Here's one of the cards. You listen to the erotic lactation story, and it brightens your day. Move forward three spaces. You deliver a knockout punch to a pedo priest. Move up four spaces. You successfully talk your girlfriend into getting an abortion, saving you approximately $245,000. I hope that's true. It sounds true. All right, right. Let's not spoil all these cards. These are some really good cards, good references of the game. So we're going to be playing that. So the rules of the game, essentially, I know, know you guys aren't playing along at home because there's only one of these in existence,

unless he made an extra one for himself. But essentially, we draw a card, it tells us a number of spaces to move, and then there's a drinking game involved. So we have, in the studio, we all have beers. Well, most of us have beers. There's the three of us in this episode were joined by my brother-in-law. Yeah. Colin.

Colin, welcome to the show. Who's a big fan of the show. I don't know if he could prove it. I would like you to prove that, because you would say you're a big fan of the show, correct? Let me have a trivia question for you. What's the stupidest thing Maddox has ever said on this show? Okay. Loaded question.

That's bullshit. You know what? I'm just fucking tired of the shit already. Already. Cancel this bonus episode. You don't cancel the season. All right. Who wants to be who?

I'm going to be Maddox. That means you get plus four strength and plus four stamina. Just plus four? Is that four out of a total possible two? I don't know. Who wants to be me? The only qualification is that it cannot be played by a female. Okay

Sean, who do you want to be? Well, that means you can't play. You're going to be you? You want to be me? You want to be Asteroos? Well, what kind of powers do I get? There's none. You get no powers, Sean.

Fine. You want to be Sean? I'll be me. You'll be you. Okay. Colin, who do you want to be? Boisterous. Boysterous.

Colin is boisterous. All right. The rules are, as stated by the rules, is Maddox goes first. Yep. Then me. Cool. Then Sean, then Asteroes.

Why? Because fuck you. That's why. That's what I don't call the cops. I don't give a fuck. All right, I drew the first card. It says you deliver a knockout punch to a pedo priest. I just read that one. Well, why didn't you put it at the bottom, Dickhead?

You put this at the bottom? Yeah. Then why was it right on the fucking top? Why was it right on the top of the deck here? Wait a minute, wait a minute. What did I tell you before we started the game that I think there's two decks of cards here? You said that. Do you remember that?

Yes. And what did you say? No. No. Probably not. I said, I think there are because there's like a community chess and a chain of square where it looks like two distinctly different decks are supposed to go. Okay. And what did I just cut to?

A card that looks exactly like what I was talking about. All right, Dickhead. Go ahead. Then there's a bunch of them, though. Then put those in the other pile. All right. Everybody hang on for 15 minutes while we sort this out. I'm cutting this deck. Sure.

I see you over there. Shadily shuffling cards. That wasn't shady. the way I was shuffling the cards. I shuffle the cards like a pro. Go ahead. All right. I'm drawing a card now. Says, you and three friends remake Ghostbusters. Each male player moves up one space. That's everybody. That's everybody. We're all on the same space.

Here, I'm going to put myself on top of all the other chips. Here's mine. You attend Burning Man and Dodge getting an STD by using a condom. Oh, you fucked up. There is no net gain because condoms are terrible. Don't move. Well, not a lot happening in this game so far. Sean, here's yours. You just did a shot of fireball whiskey. Oh, boy.

With an exclamation point. If you're Maddox, stay right where you are. Otherwise, move up three spaces. Oh, whatever, Sean. This game's bullshit. Sean, that means you're on a drinking space. You're on a drinking space, Sean. You have to pull a drinking card.

Here's what it says. Social. Everyone have a sip of beer. You won, but your dad is also the coach of the baseball team. Maddox. That was a quote for me. I liked that. Okay, we all take a sip of beer.

That's a quote from you saying what? You're talking about your dad being a coach of the baseball team? I remember it was during an episode where I talked about how, I forgot exactly, but it was some benefit, some advantage that a kid might have for winning something. But it didn't count because it's essentially like having your dad be the coach of the baseball team. Oh, you sipped that beer. I'm going to tell you how awful it is to have your dad be a coach of your baseball team. Go on.

My dad, he was the coach of my baseball team, and he would really really. run my ass harder than anybody else on the team. Really? Oh yeah, like he was trying to prove a point. Well. It was brutal. That didn't work. So, dads, if you're listening,

because I don't think my dad listens to the bonus episodes. Don't ever be a coach of your kid's baseball team, please. All right. Well, let's move on with the show. Collins can get to go. Oh, yeah. Okay, Colin. Here.

I'll read it for you. Dick's Burning Man friend, my man, gets you involved in a drive-by shooting by a drug kingpin you are dead. That's it. Talk about scratching on the eight ball right out of the game. Colin's out of the game already. You blew it.

You made it one space into the game, Colin, before dying. That's the game, man. Oh, man. Anything could happen. I do have a man update. I'll save it for next. All right, cool. It's a pretty spicy one.

I got a comment from phony McGee. Sounds like a real name. He says, that you, Maddox for a quick rant on comic Oh, he says that's you, Matt Ox, instead of thank you. That's why it's so confusing. He says, that's you, Maddox, for a quick rant on Common Core hating idiots. Dick, please bring in Common Core as a problem so I can hear you suck ass your way through it.

Okay. Good. Bring it. I got another comment from Benjamin Cisco. He says, Chans, he spelled your name, C-H-A-U-H-N. Chons Burn at an hour, 10 minutes into it is the funniest thing he's ever said. Now I want to hear it in cool voice, Sean. Wait, what was it?

You said, I'll bring it in next time. You told a guy who called in and told you to go fuck yourself. You said, here's what you got to do. You got to try to jerk out. Go back down to your basement. Try to rub one out before your mom gets home to make you dinner at 6.30. And you can tell her you've been looking for a job all day. It was pretty great.

I forgot it was on the bonus episode. Yeah. I'll get cool, Sean to read it next time. That was Angry Chon. Angry Chon chiming in in that, in that episode. That was great. I got another one from Sean from Justin Zerjav. Sean's porn name, The Butterfingerer.

Gross. That's great. Ed Stone says I listened to this earlier today and I had this really burning comment on my mind about why Dick is a moron, but I forgot why by now. So fuck you, Dick. Yeah, that's a real fuck you to Dick when you forgot. Here's a solution, Ed. Yeah. A pencil.

Writing it down. Go vote it up. Dick, that doesn't count. don't get to bring in a third sneaky weasel solution in this episode. Justin Main says Maddox questions everything and Dick questions Maddox. I guess that means Dick is the biggest critical thinker in the universe. That's true. Yeah, that's what I would call Dick, a big critical thinker.

Yeah. I got a comment from Robert Wankia, another real sounding name. I just had to look up the harlequin typer ichthyosis disease after being told not to. Holy shit. Yeah, I'm not warned. I told you guys. I told you guys not to look it up specifically, and I described it specifically so you wouldn't have to look it up.

It's awful. It's awful. All right. That's the voicemails? I didn't bring in that many. The Solutions episode is always a real crapshoot for voicemails because I collect them as the month goes on, so now I'm looking at them, I have no way to tell what they are. All right.

Except for what I've named them, and this one is named Fart Box. Okay. Could be anything. Hey, Maddox. This is Ann Colter. Just want to let you know, you've got the most important kind of box. The fart box. Oh man, there is a fart box

Yeah, that's what you do Fart box You tongue punch your fart box Oh, maybe you do Not me, man Hi there This is Hank from Texas Cohen I'm a long time fan

Oh That matter Hank Hill I know it was a haul ago But I have to express My appreciation for you Bring it in picking ass As a solution

I think you'd be hard-pressed To find a problem That couldn't be solved With a good old ass kicking for example I'm gonna kick your ass if I hear you talk about that got-bang Oculus rip one more time

what kind of grown man fantasizes about sitting on his computer playing a video game and Dick what's up with your problems lately Netflix why don't you try bringing in a real problem like charcoal

or that god dang bastard gas butane and for crying out loud go fuck yourself already. That doesn't... Yankeel wouldn't say that. I like it.

I'm gonna give him a pass, except for his hatred of the Oculus Rift. All right, you want to do some solutions or you want to... We'll take another spin on this board game. We'll take another spin on the board game, then we'll get to the solutions.

Go ahead. It's your turn. My card says, you successfully make a shame-shamer look like a fucking tool on Reddit. Move up three spaces. Yeah. Here we go.

And that's a drinking card. Here we go. I pulled a drinking card. The drinking card spaces, by the way, have my face on them. I don't think there should be game that are not also drinking games, by the way. Like, cards against humanity,

I'll bring that in as a problem at some point, but I would be more excited about that game if it was part drinking. What about Russian roulette? I thought that was only a drinking game. Okay, it says, Waterfall, you start, go counterclockwise. Puffy clouds of meat, just bulgy. It's too much, Maddox.

That was a quote for me again. Waterfall? Waterfall. I don't know. I don't know. We're just taking a drink. Okay, there we go. Getting real shit-faced on this show, guys.

You avoid getting type 2 diabetes by not eating so many fucking fries. Move up three spaces. Another, god damn, there's a lot of drinking. There you go. Social. Everyone have a sip of beer. Another one of these, huh? They're like red kryptonite. It's a different kind of kryptonite.

It makes Superman go horny as fuck. That was a you quote. I remember that, yeah. Colin, you remember that? That was one of my favorite quote. Yeah. All right, Sean, your turn. You can read it. You save 15% on your car insurance by lying to your claims adjuster.

If your dick move up five spaces, if you're anyone else move up two spaces. There you go. Sean, are you dick's chip? No, he's Sean. You're not up. You should have picked me. Yeah. All right.

Let's get to the solutions. Yeah. All right. Damn, lying to your insurance adjuster should be a solution on the show. Have you ever done that? No. Many a year ago, I was applying for health insurance, and I put on the first. form a surgery that I had had like 10 years before that.

And the amount that I got quoted back was in the thousands. It was like, it was ridiculous. It was like cobra ridiculous. Right. A human couldn't afford it. Right. So I resubmitted it without that. Boom, instant health insurance.

Hmm. I re-submitted it without the listing like prior. Yeah. Yeah. So do it. Yeah. Well, you don't have to anymore because of Obamacare. You can't be denied pre-existing conditions.

I wasn't denied, but the price tag on it was exorbitant. That's, that's, I love that. about Obamacare. The problem wasn't getting denied, it was that they put a couple extra zeros on it. They could still do that. Okay. That's true. Here's my first solution. What's your first solution? GPS. GPS? All right, that's a good solution. What's up with that? Originally designed for the military and intelligence applications at the height of the Cold War in the 60s, with inspiration coming from the launch of the Soviet spacecraft Sputnik in 1957, the global positioning system is a network of satellites that orbit the Earth at fixed points above the planet and beam down signals to anyone on Earth with a GPS receiver.

You know how we got GPS? I do. Do you really? Yeah. Do you know who we have to thank for GPS? Russia. Ronald Reagan. No, you fucker.

No, we don't. Yeah. It was Russia, dickhead. No. It was Ronald Reagan. Wrong. Why was it Russia? Because the first satellite that went up in space was Russian, right?

The Sputnik. Right? So there were a bunch of students. I think they were at MIT or Berkeley or something, and they were sitting there tracking the the satellite up in the sky as it was going around. And I think this American Life or Radio Lab, one of these podcasts. Something on NPR.

Something on NPR recently did. That's why I know this. So they were listening to this thing, this beacon and they figured that well, they can hear the pings from the satellite. They know the approximate distance that it's at and they figured they can calculate the speed at which it's going around the earth. Or

maybe they had the speed and they calculated the distance somehow. If you have two of those variables, you can calculate the third. Well, the military was interested in this application. They said, well, you're able to calculate this, you're able to know pinpoint exactly where the satellite is. Can you do it in reverse? Like, if you had a beacon on Earth that was pinging a satellite,

could you tell where that position was? And they said, well, theoretically we can. And so the first instance of it was on a submarine because they had these really expensive submarines and they didn't know exactly where they were in the ocean. So that's why they invented GPS was to track submarines. Not fucking Ronald Reagan, dickhead. Okay, let's take it.

This is like, that's like the guy who discovered that round rocks roll down hills. The man who turned that into the wheel, Ronald Reagan. All right? So when it started, yes, they could calculate their position every hour. And it works opposite. They get time codes from GPS and calculate their position based on that. Like the satellites just sit up there broadcasting their time all day. But after the USSR, your buddies, the communist Russia, shot down a corrupt.

passenger jet, flight 007. Oh, interesting. In 1983, the Reagan administration opened up GPS for civilian use so that wouldn't happen again. Wow. Thank God for Reagan. Ronald Reagan. Wow. Maybe I should have just brought him in as the solution.

Maybe. Yeah. Yeah, he's as responsible for GPS as Al Gore is for the internet. No, no, no, no. You know what else Reagan did? Gay marriage. He got gay married? Who appointed the swing vote on the Supreme Court?

Yeah. That goes either way. He's channeling Reagan from beyond the grave. Was it, wasn't the vote six to three dick, so it wasn't a swing? No, it's five four. It's five four. Was it five four? Yes, and Kennedy is the one that swung it to pass.

Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Not Reagan. Reagan didn't do that. Who did? The Supreme Court ruled based on, I think, the Constitution, so. Okay.

Yeah. You say potatoes. I say Ronald Reagan. Yeah, you say Ronald Reagan. Yeah. All right, that's my solution, GPS. Where would we be without it? We don't, we actually don't know where we would be without it.

Yeah. It is the most, it's the most useful thing there is. We literally don't need maps anymore. Like hundreds of years of human evolution and exploring the planet, we're based on maps. We don't need them anymore. Can you imagine a bigger leap, a bigger technological leap than we don't, we no longer need cartography? I can think of countless bigger technological leap. That is one bigger solution than GPS.

Computers. Internet. Cell phones. Radio waves. Cell phones. But GPS is only good. There's no downsides to GPS. Yes, there are. What's a downside to GPS?

You can be tracked and stalked. You can be harassed. You can be spied on. How's that, dickhead? You can't be spied on just because of GPS. Well, someone can put a tracker on your car. The FBI can, the CIA can. They can find out where you are at all times, at all locations, anywhere on earth.

All right, that's a good point. Oh, okay. Anything else? What else he got for GPS? I brought in mostly things about Reagan. Okay. To be honest. Tax reform? Did you know that Reagan wanted to reform taxes such that a return could be done on a postcard? Great. Do you know that?

I mean, I'm for that. That sounds arbitrary. That sounds arbitrary, but I like the concept of trivializing tax returns. Yeah. He also, he ended the Cold War. Did you know that? It wasn't Rocky. Ew. As Rocky 4 would have you believe, it was Ronald Reagan. I didn't believe it was Rocky for a minute, dick, but, no. Star Wars?

You heard that? It wasn't entirely Reagan either. It was actually because it was mutually beneficial to end the Cold War. Earthquake research, climate studies, outdoor treasure hunting games known as geocaching. These are all things that you can do with GPS. Yeah. Yeah, well, good solution. Yeah, you can play games and play grab ass.

And Ronald Reagan, I like that you ascribe this wonderful technology. To a politician. Well, he was also an actor. An actor turned politician, sorry. The two best things you can be. Politician and an actor. The two most useful things you can be in our society. Hey, why didn't Ronald Reagan use GPS in that Star Wars program?

Remember the Star Wars missile defense system that we had? Whatever happened to that? They're in space. What do you mean? Yeah. That's why. Oh, really? The satellites, yeah.

They would be in space. You can't use GPS in space. Yeah. Do you think he used GPS to? to calculate the trajectory for the laser beams that he was shooting to shoot down missiles? No? No. Probably not, huh? I don't think that's possible.

Why? What do you ask? Oh, just curious, whatever happened to that Star Wars missile defense program. It worked. It ended the Cold War. Oh, that's what ended the Cold War, huh? It's scared Russia into surrendering the Cold War. Simple Dick, and his simple mind. It's true.

Simple world. That's absolutely true. What else do I got here? Oh, do you know how time works? I'm going to explain this. are we listening? Because I know you're going to say yes, no matter what I ask about relativity and satellites and time. So this is what makes GPS awesome, right? The atomic clocks on the satellites work on a different time than the clocks on the Earth. Okay, how specifically?

Do you know that, first of all? Well, I don't know what you're saying different time. I mean, nobody keeps track of time on Earth using an atomic clock. We use our own, well, we use our own 24-hour clock or the 12-hour clock. No, no, no. The most accurate clocks on Earth are atomic powered. They're not crystal. That's no longer true. It's no longer atomic. They found something more accurate than the atomic clock. What, you? They just call you up every

couple hours and ask you what time it is? No, there's something that's I forgot, I just read about it, but there's something that's even more accurate than the atomic clock because they found that the atomic clock once, they calculated something like a leap century or something like that or a leap like

400 years. No, it's more than a leap second. Like every 4. A leap two seconds. No, atomic clocks are pretty accurate. A leap three seconds. I'm gonna leap across this table and just second, dick. Okay, what's the clock that they found? But anyway, yeah, for all intents and purposes, an atomic clock is very accurate, so go on.

So time, time goes faster the farther away you get from gravity. Do you know that? What? Time. If you're in space and you've got a big old binoculars out, and you're looking at a naked chick, right? Uh-huh. Big hands. Yeah.

And she happens to be wearing a watch. Yeah. And you look at that watch because maybe you're gay. I don't know. Okay. You don't want to see the naked chick. Sure. That watch she's wearing will be ticking slower than the watch that you have on your wrist, because it's closer to a gravity well. Uh, okay.

Yeah. So that means if you're on a GPS satellite, out in space, you're so far away from gravity that the clock on the GPS satellite is set to go slower. Yeah. To compensate for the distance away from the Earth. it is. I think it's speed. I think speed has something to do with a dick. That's another thing. So another aspect of these satellites, because they're going so fast because they're in geosynchronous orbit.

They're going so fast compared to us that time for them goes faster. So when you subtract both, so when you compensate for both of those, they go faster than clocks on Earth's surface by 38 microseconds every day. If it wasn't for that 38

microseconds, the whole system would be fucked. What do you mean fucked? Well, because the GPS satellite sends its time code out at all times. Right. Like, they're sending out what time it is to them at all times. And your little GPS device grabs the time from three of those satellites, and based on the differences in the time, it calculates where you are. Oh, right.

Yeah. So if the time on those satellites was not sped up to compensate for relativistic effects, it wouldn't work. The whole system would be broken. Like, if they'd just taken a clock and sent it up into space, it'd be like, well, we have no fucking idea where we are. because these clocks say they're like two weeks in the future or two weeks in the past. And Ronald Reagan figured that out. And Ronald Reagan, and not some scientist, figured that out, right?

Who paid the scientist? A politician did. Sure. Yeah, Ronald Reagan himself. And he wrote a check. He wrote a check. He emptied his pocketbooks and says, guys, I feel very strongly about science. Ronald Reagan.

Yeah, they're a huge accomplishment. Yeah, GPS. Great. Relativistic effects. I don't know what else we've invented. that has to obey relativistic effects. Well, lots of things. Rocket ships?

No, they don't. Sure, they do. We have to, the clocks on rocket ships are also, also account for relativistic effects. Yeah, but this is, this is something we use every day.

We're not using rocket ships every day. Well, without the rocket ships, you wouldn't be able to use GPS, which you, Dick. That's my solution. Go ahead. What's yours? Good solution, Dick.

But I think I have a solution that's bigger. I think I have an actual solution that is, literally bigger than yours, and makes yours impossible without it. Satellites! The noun satellites? Satellites. Yeah, satellites.

Make GPS possible. Bigger solution. Do you mean satellites, like a thing that rotates around a celestial body? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, satellites. Like the ones that make GPS possible. Yeah.

Do you mean man-made satellites? Well, I'm talking specifically about man-made satellites, but... Oh. Like, natural satellites, like moons, could be a solution, too. Actually, they are. Because without it, our tidal forces would be out of whack. Okay. Right?

It's a very delicate balance. What a bullshit problem. You're a bullshit problem. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah, well, without satellite dickhead, we wouldn't have GPS. Satellites are a significantly bigger solution than GPS because they are the inspiration for and the technology behind GPS.

Yeah. But satellites are more useful than just GPS dickhead. because we use them for communication. Every stupid text message you send or phone call you make with your cell phone uses satellites, which, by the way, is the reason we should no longer have a distinction between long distance and local calls, because it's all satellite communication anyway. It doesn't cost any extra to send a signal to, say, France or Ohio. It doesn't fucking matter.

It's all the same, like watching TV or, like, do you like to watch TV or listen to the radio? No. Well, it doesn't matter because, even... regardless the people who do use satellites dickhead and you're just being a dick. Many people get dish service and guess what they use? Satellites. Even cable companies use satellites. Ever drive a cable company?

Ever drive by a cable company and see that giant array of satellites out front? Uh-huh. Yeah. That's how you get your signal. That's how you get your TV stations. Oceanography. That's another thing that benefits from satellites. Because of GPS?

Not just because of GPS. Okay. Yeah. Phones and stuff? stuff, satellite phones? No, Dick, it's a way of exploring the ocean. The Earth is covered roughly by 71% by oceans

over 361 million kilometers of area to explore. Before satellites, we used ships, buoys, and tide gauges to explore the ocean. That's a real shitty way to explore anything. Boos, barf. Since satellites, we found lost treasure, meteor impact

sites, new species of animals, current direction, optimized navigation routes, etc. You said, Dick, in the first Solutions episode, you said that the biggest pollution, the biggest source of pollution in the world are those cargo ships, right? The 15 biggest ships create more pollution than all the cars in the world. And guess what helps cut down on that pollution? Optimized shipping routes due to oceanographers using satellites to figure that out. Yeah?

Yeah. In addition to figure out things like, oh, I don't know, rising sea levels, the path of tropical storms and hurricanes. Pretty useful. Very useful. Oh, and speaking of tropical storms and hurricanes, meteorology, another thing that benefits from satellites. Satellites aid meteorologists in making weather forecasts. They're often wrong, right? But at least we have an early warning system in place for tornado activity, which is usually pretty accurate.

Yeah. I remember a couple of years back in Salt Lake City. Salt Lake is known for being a really safe place from tornadoes because the entire city is surrounded by mountains. So when you land in Salt Lake City, there's just like mountains everywhere. And that protects you from tornadoes. It's really rare if a tornado ever touches down. And I remember a couple of years back, we got a weather service warning saying that there was going to be a tornado in Salt Lake City.

Nobody believed it, and myself included, that's when I was downtown Salt Lake. Were you wearing a jacket at that time? No. Okay. No jacket. So sure enough, a tornado touchdown and hit our basketball stadium, the Delta Center. It was called the Delta Center at the time. And my parents were freaking out.

They were calling over and over again. And I didn't answer my phone because I was watching the news, you know. Finally, I answered the phone like this. Help me! Help me! And then just hung up. And my mom freaked out. She called me back a few minutes later.

She asked me why I did that. Anyway. Satellites. Man-made satellites. Yeah. Or any sad. Like the ones that killed the dinosaurs? Does that count too?

Any satellites? That wasn't... A satellite didn't kill the dinosaurs, dick. It's a rotating object. That's not a satellite. It's not man-made, but it's a satellite. If it has an orbit, it's a satellite. It's not a satellite.

If it has an orbit, it's a satellite. It has to have an orbit around something. What was that meteor's orbit? Let me ask you something. You don't know. So when I said GPS, and you said you're doing satellites, and I said, I'll change my solution then so we can talk about something different.

And you said, no, you had something special planned. The something special was just making sure I don't win, right? Dick, nobody wins on the show. But it was clearly just so you would bring in a solution that was a super set of mine. You know what? Fuck you. I'm changing it to Ronald Reagan. Ronald Reagan is now my solution.

Did you know that Reagan inherited a misery index the sum of the inflation and unemployment rates of 19.9%? Yeah. And when he left office, it was at 9.7%. Wow. Ronald Reagan lowered the misery index of the U.S. by 10%. Take note, Obama. Something that is closely tracked. Right?

The misery index. 16 million new jobs were created under Ronald Reagan. Huh. Pretty good. Where is he when we need him? Where is he now? Alzheimer's and in a grave. Right?

Essentially. Yeah. Regenomics. Have you heard of that? Yeah. Fucked poor people. It made life way better for rich people. Yeah.

Yeah. You can see a sharp increase in CEO salaries right around the time. Reagan was in office and a sharp decline of the average person's income, and it's still never rebounded, by the way. It never will. No. Thanks, Reagan. Yeah. Good solution. You are so petty. Oh, says the person who brings in,

says the person who brings in monkeys just for a fucking vocab to confuse our listeners. When I say go vote up monkeys, they get confused and they vote up the solution. Monkeys is a solution. Monkeys are a problem, buddy, and you brought that in just to fuck with me. So here we go, satellites. A super set of the problem. Look, Dick, I think GPS is a solution just like,

Oceanography is a solution. Well, yeah, you clearly do. All these things are solutions, right? But GPS is a lesser solution than satellites. Yeah, which I said, which is why I said I'll bring in something different so we can talk about something different. We are. Oh, no, no, no, no. Bring it in. Bring it in. Did you talk about oceanography?

No. Oh, you didn't even talk about how... You shady fuck. You didn't even talk about how GPS was invented. You just said Ronald Reagan. No. You fucking... idiot. It wasn't Ronald Reagan.

He decided to invent it after that plane crash. He opened it up for everybody. The 007 plane crash? Yeah. That's a real thing. Uh-huh. Oh, thank you, Ronald Reagan. Well, did Ronald Reagan discover astronomy? No. I don't know. And he doesn't... I didn't read the whole Wikipedia page.

He doesn't... He didn't benefit astronomy as much as satellites did. Satellites have allowed us to discover distant galaxies, solar systems, and even planets. You know what? Who cares? What do we... Who cares? Who cares? cares how many other stars and planets out.

They're just full of more petty assholes like you who fuck their friends over before podcasts. That's what the Hubble tell... Make the Hubble telescope see all the way to the edge of the universe. You know, you're going to see a bunch of assholes who drive like shit and think they drive awesome. And a bunch of assholes who fuck their friends over.

That's what the universe is full of. We need to spend billions of dollars to figure that out. Hey, look, we found another Earth planet. Guess what's on it? A bunch of people jerking off and wasting money looking right back at us. Who He fucking cares. There is two reasons, Dick is upset here.

The first is, the first is he still, still doesn't understand the podcast. He still doesn't understand that this podcast is not a competition. There's no such thing as winning between two disparate topics, Dick. What wins between the flavor of apples and the flavor of oranges? What wins between GPS satellites and satellites? Satellites wins. No, neither one. Satellites is a bigger solution.

We can say that. Such a fuck. Satellites is a bigger solution. Because GPS is a subset of satellites, right? I know. I brought in lesser minds and anti-intellectualism, right? Which are related, but one is a subset of the other, isn't it? Yeah, well, they're both the same note in your symphony.

Okay. In your one-node symphony. Go ahead, Sean. I hope these both end up in the negative. Fuck you, Sean. I'm going to bring in Sean as a solution. I want you guys to vote it down. Take that, Sean.

Dick, we're on the verge of having satellites. with enough precision to determine the atmospheric content of planets and other galaxies. Dick, do you know where helium was first discovered? Up your ass. Huh. No. Incorrect. Not up my ass, Dick, on the sun.

They discovered helium in the sun, not up my ass. How? You tongue-clunched my fart box. Actually, that was done with just looking at the solar spectrum. They were looking at the light spectrum coming from the sun, and they found that there were certain bands because there's an absorption, spectrum for different elements, right? Different elements absorb different wavelengths of light.

And if you look at that light coming from the sun, you'll see a band, like a little narrow band where helium is being absorbed. So they know the absorption spectrum of hydrogen, because we have hydrogen on Earth. This is before we discovered helium, right? We know the absorption spectrum of oxygen and all these other different elements.

So then when we saw this absorption spectrum of helium, we didn't know what it was, and we looked at the atomic elements, and we thought that, okay, hydrogen is over here, oxygen is over here, so something in between the two. There was just a blank? Well, we hadn't discovered all the elements at that time. When was this?

1800s. But they didn't have satellites in the 1800s, so how did satellites figure this out? No, but using satellites, we can tell the atmospheric content of distant planets. We are working on satellites right now with precision to be able to determine the atmospheric contents of distant planets using the same technology, looking at the absorption spectrum.

And if they have too much smoke in their atmosphere, we'll dispatch a committee to go make it illegal over there. You know what Ronald Reagan discovered? You're so salty. That it's morning in America. That's what Ronald Reagan discovered. Oh. He did.

You fucking politician. Shill. Dick, we've measured cosmic background radiation and the average temperature of the universe using satellites and learned a lot about our own planet and solar system. We found visual proof of black holes in 2012. Did you know that? Who cares?

Did Rahm Reagan discover that? No. He discovered something more important. He discovered a reason for America to get to work and pull itself up by its bootstraps. Idiot. You know what else? We use satellites for, Dick?

Navigation. As you mentioned, GPS. Can we spot the edges of your ego with a satellite? Do we have satellites that powerful? Maybe, Dick, but if you get lost in my ego, you know what you'll need? Search and rescue satellite operations. We have satellites that can help

rescue teams and find stranded boats, planes, and hikers. You know what I have? I have the ghost of Ronald Reagan that I can pray to if I get lost. I don't need satellites. Don't look for me. Good. I won't. Oh man. What a refreshing thought. You being lost. Then there are personal locator beacons, Dick, and satellite messengers. These things are so powerful. If you get lost at sea, you can press this button on this thing and a plane will show up and rescue you. Yeah. Fucking amazing. Satellites. And then finally, Dick, You said that Ronald Reagan is responsible for ending the Cold War, Dickens? Wrong.

Reconnaissance and surveillance satellites helped end that war because they let us peer into dangerous countries and see where there's militarized activity. Say, like when Cubans are stockpiling missiles from Russia. Yeah. Yeah, that's how we knew about that. Who's authorizing, who controls the satellites? These satellites are mere toys in the hands of Ronald Reagan, a powerful man who works them like a puppet master, seeing into the evil Soviet Empire. Yeah.

Protecting us. Yeah. Protecting us. Yes. Protecting us. The libertarian is lionizing Ronald Reagan for protecting us. Oh, please, government, protect me. He was a great man and a beautiful man, and he deserves to be voted up above Malilal Yusofsi, or whatever her name was.

Malali Yusafzai, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, no, he doesn't dick. The Cold War ended, by the way, because we also had Missile. in Italy and Turkey that was pissing off Russia. And that's the whole reason Russia came to Cuba and said, well, let's put a porcupine down America's pants.

I think the Cold War ended because Russia was poor as shit. Well, that has something to do with it. Anyway, Dick, satellites. You're such a fuck. Go. That's your turn to move on the game. Oh, okay. You've moved on the game of life by stabbing me in the back.

You're such a pussy. You still don't understand the show. Okay. Dick, speaking of being stabbed in the back, black income disparity decreases as urban areas recover from recession, move up three spaces, cool. Cool. I heard spic.

What? What? He said, Spick, Dick. Oh, that was an accident. I'm reading from a card now. Your rich aunt has the travel bug and offers to take you to Europe with you. No mention of how big her cans are, though. Dick, it's your aunt.

That's okay. Gross. You can have an ant with big... It's not your mom. It's your aunt. All right. You can have a hot aunt. It could be through marriage.

Yeah, Maddox. It could be your mom's brother's wife. All right, Dick. Go bang your aunt. I don't mind if I do. After I move up, four spaces. All right. Here, Sean, you read one.

All right. Does it say anything about Maddox screwing you over on your card? Oh, shit. I'm going back one space. An MPAA-A-style rating system comes to YouTube, and your channel gets hit with an M.A. rating. I would never have a YouTube channel. It's true.

But I'm still moving back once, though. Yeah, you're back. All right. Colin, unfortunately, you don't get to go because you got killed. Colin got killed on the first space in the game. Is it my turn now? What's your solution? My next solution is a superhero stance.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, how about this? I think I know this, yeah. If you stand like an idiot, like if you stand with your hands on your hips, posing like a superhero. Yeah. They've determined that this increases not only your self-confidence,

but also your testosterone levels. Right. So if you're going to do something that you need courage to do, go to the bathroom and stand like Superman for like five seconds. Two minutes. Two minutes. Two minutes is the, they found the effect as the strongest when you do it for two minutes. I'm already almost full on testosterone, though.

I only need a couple seconds. Well, I don't know about that. I brought in the whole study. It's pretty funny. Let's see The superhero stance projects power It's an example of what psychologists refer to as an open posture

In which limbs are spread out in a way To take up more space such as legs being apart So it's basically saying that Man Spreading makes you a more powerful person Right Yeah It increases your testosterone and builds your confidence There's a TED talk about this take

Well I'll let you go out going to go out Kill me There was already a TED talk about this Oh yeah of course yeah It's not a new phenomenon but yeah did you did you bring in the TED talk to talk about it? No I hate TED talks okay well there is a girl

I'd rather eat a bunch of glass than listen to a TED talk yeah that's true I'd like to see that Sean if you had a YouTube channel you could put stuff like that on there like my opinion of people drops whatever it was at first it drops down into like the single percentage points if I hear they've done a TED talk you could Titanic him right back by showing him TED talks

oh fuck you Sean fuck you yeah Yeah, there we go. That's smart. That's what's coming in, Dick. You're getting TED Talks. Let's change the subject really fast here. High power poses.

High power poses were sitting in a chair, arms behind your head, elbows out, and feet up on a desk, like a boss relaxing. And standing in front of the table with your feet apart, blah, blah, blah, blah. So they gave these people, they made these people stand in stupid positions. In one hand, on one side of the experiment, you had power pose. where people had their feet kicked up, their arms crossed behind their backs,

they'd probably thinking about their yacht or something, acting like a big shot. And then the other people they had to take up as little space as possible, like looking very demure, putting their arms against their body, stuff like that. And then they gave them a gambling task where they said the odds were 50-50, all right?

And they were each given two bucks, and they had the option to keep the money or to risk it and risk it on a die roll and double their money. Where they would double it or lose it all together. Yeah. Right? So what did they find that the people who they made pose

in that open posture, superhero pose, were more likely to risk the money. Yeah. Yeah. Pretty cool. It makes them a little bit more confident. A little bit more aggressive, huh? They tested their saliva,

and they found that the hormone associated with stress... Cortisol, right? Yeah, cortisol. Uh-huh. That's why you need sleep, too. The testosterone levels would drop when... Hold on. Good notes.

I just printed out the article. I know. I know. I know how you bring in your notes. He brings in eight pages, nine pages of notes. While we're here setting up, you're typing up your shit. Yeah. So this is the best I could do.

It's way better to wait live during the show than before the show and get all your ducks in a row, so the show goes smoothly. All right, look. Dad, less trust. What did you find? Well, I could read the whole thing, but it's boring. I'm curious. I think it's interesting. What does it say? Oh, yeah. People who are powerful tend to have lower baseline levels of cortisol. And when they're stressed, their cortisol levels didn't rise as much as people who were in the prone positions.

Yeah, that's correct. So if you're feeling stressed out, get yourself in a power pose. Yeah. Dick, see, why are you shitting on your own solution? It's like, you don't even believe this. You don't even believe the words you're saying. You're saying, oh, look at this goofy pose. like a stupid pose.

Look at these idiots. I hate TED Talks. What's stupid about it? Looking like a superhero? That's embarrassing. It's not. Posing like your Superman? Dick, no joke.

I stand like that a lot. I put my hands on my hips often. And even when I work, my legs are kicked up at my desk. You've seen my desk. I don't even have a desk, actually. It's just a chair. And I have a footrest. And my legs are always kicked out.

And I'm always leaning back. And I'm always putting my hands on my hips. It works. This is something. I don't know which came first, the chicken or the egg here, whether or not I was just really full of testosterone and confident and powerful before. That's a good question. Yeah.

But no, it does work, Tick. So they talked about that in that TED talk. A woman said that she was really not confident and demure and wanted to do some public speaking. She was always nervous about it. So she experimented with this and it gave her so much more confidence after the fact. I believe there's something to it You know Dick, there's another study I saw it's, this wasn't a study

so much as a documentary I think on National Geographic they were observing apes male apes the silverback Silver rat gorillas rather, yeah The big ones Yeah they're observing gorillas And they were trying to determine which ones

were the alpha guerrillas because in every gorilla pack There's always at least one alpha gorilla Who is defined by The most aggressive gorilla The gorilla who gets laid the most the gorilla who passes on his jeans and so on and so forth, right? That's the alpha gorilla. And they watched the posture of the guerrillas,

and they tried to determine which one was the alpha gorilla just based on a photograph. And they could always tell. Every single time, it's because the alpha gorilla stood a different way. So then they thought, well, let's see if we can use the same test on humans. So they did an experiment where they brought a bunch of guys into, I think, a mechanic shop or a waiting room or something, like nine different guys.

And then they brought in a woman. and then they looked at each guy's posture and his pose and tried to determine which one would be most aggressive with trying to flirt with a woman or pick her up. They nailed it every single time. The guys who were the most ape-like, the most guerrilla-like, the ones who puffed up their chest and put their arms to the sides

and they had that really strong alpha pose, those are the guys who went up right to the woman and started talking to them. But the other guys who were kind of shrunken in and trying to take up less space feeling like they didn't belong, showed a lack of confidence, and they're the ones who didn't say anything. They got a little bit shy around the other guys.

Yeah, that's interesting because on the surface, this gambling test kind of seems pointless. Like, it's a 50-50 gambling odds is dumb. Like, saying that the power pose increased their odds of gambling on a coin toss is not really a compliment, right? Would you say? It's not necessarily. It's not necessarily.

However, it kind of makes it a wash. But when you're talking about approaching a woman, which is most of the questions, almost all of the questions I get. Nobody wants to know my opinion on anything else, but how to talk to women. You're the right guy to go to. Yeah, I am.

And part of that is approaching, talking to a woman like a 50-50 gamble. No. Did you say no or yeah? Well, no, I disagree with it. I mean, that's your philosophy, and you're allowed to have that. I think it's broken.

She's either going to like you or she's not. Okay, dude. I guess. You can't make her like you. You can come across as more affable and charismatic. You can be more appealing to people based on what you do. Say, for example, I don't know, you're a politician. Like, oh, I don't know, Ronald Reagan.

Ronald fucking Reagan was charismatic as fuck. Everybody liked him. He was a very popular president. I even liked his personality. Like, he was a likable president because he had this warmth and charisma about him. Right? And he was a great orator. But that doesn't necessarily

So that goes to say that you can improve your likeability with people That's why I think it's a broken philosophy yours Real shitty advice But Dick, what I want to specifically mention How are you going to improve whether a chick wants to fuck you or not? They either do or don't Okay

Well Dick sometimes chicks don't want to fuck you And then they change their minds later What happens between A and B? That's a slippery slope No, it's not That's too much work You gotta convince them to like you Go ahead guys ask Dick for advice

Listen to this though Dick you brought in as a solution the stupidly phrased ask for a raise, right? Yeah, that's a good idea. Okay, asking for a solution. You know what, Dick? The study that you just mentioned,

the gambling one, where you have a 50% chance of winning and you said that people who have more testosterone and people who feel more confident are more likely to take that risk, right? To bet, right? That's exactly what you want when it comes to asking for raise.

Asking for a raise, that could be viewed as also a 50% probability, even though there may be other factors that play into it, but from your perspective, either you're going to get it or you're not, right? Same with chicks. Oh, okay. That's exactly the same. What do you spend time, like, sweet-talking them

into a used car? Dick, there are things that factor into picking up women. Like, for example, your hygiene and how you look and how you act. Like, if you show up to a party and you act like a big boisterous, dumbass... Some chicks are going to love that. Well, some chicks maybe, but in general, no.

Oh, that's total horseshit. Yeah. Chicks love loud guys. Okay. Loud jackets. And don't change who you are. Be yourself and then just say, hey, what's up? Do you want a bone or what?

They either do or they don't. That's how they work. Dick, you have been slapped by more women than any other guy I know in life. And each one was a learning experience. For them, not me. For them. Yeah, they learned what your face felt like when they slapped it. Anyway, Dick.

That's a reaction. I'll take that reaction. Dick, your solution asking for a raise could not be a solution without the confidence it takes. If more people had confidence, say, for example, if more people took that power pose and had more testosterone and had more confidence and asked for a raise, that would be a solution to, that's the solution that you're suggesting asking for a raise. You could do both. Great. You could do one without the other. All right, Dick.

Big jumbled mess of contradictions and confusing. How is any of that contradictory? Do you think that the... Why am I defending your fucking solution? I don't care. Go ahead shit in your own solution. I think it's a great solution, but it's a stupid, embarrassing pose that you should do anyway. No, I do it all the time. Have you ever noticed me doing it? Looking like Superman?

Like putting my arms out to the side. Oh yeah, I've noticed that. Yeah, I do that a lot. Old fat. It looks a little old-fashioned. Yeah. It's cool. Old-fashioned like a 1920s boxer. Cool. Yeah.

Yeah. I like it. Anyway, Dick, that's all I got. You want to move your piece? Yeah. We're getting a little behind on the game board. Next card I got says On a road trip Your hot Asian passenger feeds you as you drive

Move up three spaces cool That's a good one That's the shitty passengers episode I remember that Here's mine you see Jennifer Lawrence's tits Awesome she's hot Move Up Four Spaces I think it's a sex crime though

One two three four Sean You mean to read yours Yeah go for it All right Your life coach gives you some great advice About investing move up two spaces.

One, two. My life coach recently got a urinating in public ticket. Did I tell you about that? Yeah, you did. You should bring that in for the next episode. I don't want to air his personal business on there. Dick, we should get to the final solution here, running out of time. All right.

What, you wanted to talk about it or no? The final solution? I know. He just said spick and final solution in the same episode. Shut, your pie hole. That's not what I said. That was an accident. I misspoke.

I always say it with more venom when I say it. Guys, let's get to the real biggest solution in the world, in the universe, rather. Temperance. Oh, fuck off. Temperance. Yeah. Of liquor? Of everything, Dick.

And everything? Do you know what temperance is? Do you know what temperance is? Have you ever heard of that word? Go ahead. You're just saying go ahead because you don't. You don't know what that is. I don't know what temperance is?

Well, you know. That's when you chop your. dick off, right? Uh-huh. Okay. There it is. There is the exact opposite of temperance. Temperance is the quality of avoiding excesses. That's it. In essence, it's moderation, and moderation is a virtue. You know what? Fuck your moderation. Fuck you right up your ass. Biggest, best page in the universe telling us about moderation. Fuck you. Hey, Dick, as we have already established, I am an exception to many rules on this show.

Go ahead. Too much alcohol. Too much alcohol and you're an alcoholic, right? No. Yeah. Why do you mean no? No, it's not about having too much alcohol that makes you an alcoholic. Okay, it's about losing control. It's about needing it every day of your life.

Well, that's you for sure. Because life is miserable. Yeah, that's you. Too many drugs and you're an addict, right? You do too many drugs, you're an addict. Dick, any... There's so many excesses that you can do too much of that ruin your life, right? Even sexual desire.

It leads to cheating and infidelity. if you can't get your dick under control. Uh-huh. Yeah. Vanity. Too much vanity leads to narcissism. Self-absorption and selfie sticks. Go vote up selfie sticks, people.

Right? Anger. Sometimes it ends in a bestseller, though. What? A best-selling book. Yeah. Well, I wouldn't say that that's what spawned my first book. It wasn't vanity.

Okay. That was my, that was philanthropy. Anger. Too much anger leads to violence and death. Right? Too much eating leads to obesity. Too much not eating. So not eating enough leads to anorexia. Even too much exercise can lead to anorexia. Did you know that? That's a type of anorexia. When you exercise too much, it's called exercise anorexia. Hmm. Yeah. That needs to catch on. Too bad that's not contagious.

Oh, boy. Too much sitting leads to numerous health problems. Lack of exercise. So doing no exercise leads to health problems. Too much talking. gives you an immodest air, and gives others headaches. Yeah, I'm getting one right now. Yeah, I was waiting for it. This sanctimonious solution. That was such a low-hanging fruit. I knew you'd take it.

I knew you'd bite that apple. Too much listening to loud music leads to hearing loss. Looking at lights that are too bright leads to vision loss, right? Too much reading and education. Now, you would think that too much reading and education, there's no such thing, right? But it can lead to having too high opinion of oneself, pedantry, and the Dunning Kruger effect. So what are you nodding at? Sean's looking at me and nodding. Because you are the smuggest fuck in the universe and you're lecturing us about temperance.

You dare to lecture anyone about temperance. I was agreeing. You know fucking nothing about temperance. I invented temperance, my friends. Do you do a moderate amount of drugs? No, you do none. That's the opposite amount of moderation. Because drugs are risky dick.

You know what part of temperance is? It's self-regulation, modesty, and humility. Right? And prudence. Prudence is an element of temperance. So it's not prudence to try drugs, is it? Because you know the risks, and the risks far outweigh the rewards. So there is no moderation.

Oh, Maddox, you call yourself a moderate? How come you don't cut one of your fingers off? You got ten of them. Why don't you at least cut one off? Dumbass argument? That's because it's imprudence, dick. The risks of drugs do not outweigh the rewards. The risks are addiction and a life of defeat and deceit.

destruction and destroyed family members. Yeah, if you're a pussy. If you can handle your drugs, it's awesome. Just do them and get high. Cool. And look cool. Yeah. Live advice from Dick Masterson.

Instead of Emily Post over here. Oh. Dick, this concept of temperance transcends every major religion and philosophy in life. In Hinduism, the concept is called dama. It's roughly equivalent to temperance. In Greek culture, it translates to moderation in action, thought, or feeling, or in one word, just restraint. It's one of Plato's four core virtues. Aristotle called it a mean with regards to pleasure.

So it's averaging all your pleasures, right? And I'll tell you why doing drugs and all this other bullshit is imprudent in just a minute, Dick. I'm getting to that. But Christianity considers temperance of virtue as well. Yeah, because it's how they control people. That's how all religions control people. Oh, sure. By making them give up vices.

Yeah. And giving them of an inflated sense of self-worth because they're able to withhold things. Well, what about Native American spiritualism? Same thing. No, they do drugs. Drugs are a part of their religion dick. Oh, their opium shit? Yeah.

Opium? Uh-huh. Cool. What do you want me to... What about it? Well, you said that that's how religions... You said that temperance is the way religions control people, but some religions specifically have an element of drugs.

Yeah, I'm talking about the big bad three, though. What are the big bad three? Christianity, Islam, and Mormonism. Those are the big bad three. The commonly known three. In more contemporary times... Those ones that are expanding. That's what you've got to watch out for in a religion, is the way it expands.

Native Americans aren't expanding their TP smokeouts. Dick, I'm done taking advice. Get through temperance. Ben Franklin and the Boy Scouts of America consider temperance of virtue. The Boy Scouts. Would you say that's an evil organization, Yeah. I think Ronald Reagan was a Boy Scouts. He was in favor of Boy Scouts. Really? Was he in favor of their ban on gays too? Probably. He's conservative. Oh, fuck you. Yeah. All conservatives are against

gay rights? No, no, they are not. But you're more likely to be against gay rights if you're conservative. Just looking at statistics. Statistically speaking, you're more likely to be against gay rights if you're a conservative. You're more likely to drive a Prius if you're liberal, et cetera, etc, et cetera, et cetera. Hmm. It's just a general rule of thumb if you look at statistics. Is that what we're doing now?

Well, who's more likely to commit female genital mutilation? What group? Statistically. Statistically, no one, because it's less than 99% of the population. Oh, okay. So there's no statistics for that number.

Statistically, it's zero. Statistically. Okay. From a psychological standpoint, Dick, temperance can be reduced to the following four traits. The first one is forgiveness or mercy, right? The second one is modesty and humility. The third one is prudence. That's what you've never

heard of. And then the fourth one is self-regulation. That's the other thing you've never heard of. You've never heard of any of this shit, Dick. Should we be doing signs of the cross while you're giving this fucking sermon? What the fuck? Where do you get off telling people about temperance? Fuck you. Life is hard. Smoke them if you got them. Do drugs. They're awesome. Yeah. Any other bumper stickers you want to recite, Dick? What the fuck is this temp? Well, so what? You're going to die with, uh, what a moderately regulated corpse? What is the point of temperance?

You get nothing out of it. What do you get for this? What do I get in exchange for this? A longer and happier life. Let me read this, Dick. So forgiveness is the, this is from this website. I think it says, oh here, oh, this is from Berkeley.edu. Okay.

It says, forgiveness is the conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance towards a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether or not you think they deserve your forgiveness. Right? So there's a study from Science Direct that says the name of the study is called Failure to Forgive Self and Others, a replication and extension of the relationship between forgiveness, personality, social desirability, and general health.

So they found a direct correlation between your health and likability and your personality and forgiveness. At Berkeley, what a surprise. They what? At Berkeley, what a surprise. Yeah. We're healing crystals a part of that. this experiment at the scientist at Berkeley? What's wrong with Berkeley, Dick?

Are they too liberal? Would you say that that's a liberal school? I don't even know. I don't even think they could see liberal anymore. Yeah. Oh, so you're saying that they're... They went so far beyond it. So you're saying their intemperance is a problem then?

They're in temperance? Their lack... You're saying that they're so liberal that they're extreme. So by definition, if they had temperance in their liberal views, they wouldn't be so liberal, would they? And they wouldn't be a problem. I guess. Well, well.

324 students, undergraduate students were tested. They completed measures of forgiveness of oneself, forgiveness of others, and they found that failure to forgive oneself is accompanied by personality and general health scores that reflect individual psychopathology, with men and women scoring higher in neuroticism, depression, and anxiety for failing to forgive. A failure to forgive others is accompanied by personality and general health scores that reflect social introversion among men and among women it shows

social pathology, social dysfunction and psychoticism. So women who are less likely to forgive makes them a little bit more psychotic and men who are less likely to forgive makes them more introverted. Further, a failure to forgive others is accompanied by higher depression scores

among men and women. The finding suggests that the concept of forgiveness can be related to an individual and social psychopathology. How about that? There's the Jesus comparison. Temperance and forgiveness. Thank you, Internet Jesus for telling us...

I'm not saying I'm a temperate person. I'm just saying that temperance is a solution. Yeah. You understand that I can talk about things I am not. I'm bringing in Ronald Reagan. I'm not Ronald Reagan. Well, I wish I was. Well, yeah.

Your desktop wallpaper is Ronald Reagan right now. It's always been. Humility, Dick. Oh, my God. The accurate and not underestimated sense of one's own abilities and achievement. That's important, Dick. That second phrase I said. Yeah, because it gets you off the hook.

Not underestimated. Yeah, it gets me off the hook because I'm not underestimating my ability. The ability to acknowledge one's mistakes and gaps in knowledge is part of temperance. Openness to new ideas. Empirical findings on humility are pretty sparse. So people look at the opposite. They look at people who are narcissistic, right? And people who are narcissistic tend to be more competitive, more dominant, more hostile, more

angry, more aggressive, and feel more entitled to have low self-esteem and fail to express gratitude and give or seek forgiveness less frequently. Good. Oh, great. Yeah. Great. Because all you temperate nerds are getting your milkshakes drunk. That's why you don't like it.

Fuck temperance, fuck you. Well, you don't subscribe to any of that. Of course I do. Ass kicking and child beating are part of your credo. That sculpts a child who's great. If a child gets no ass beatings, he's going to grow up a, To be a fuck up. It's going to be a molester when he grows up.

Guaranteed. Look it up. That's a fact. Prudence. Prudence is another element of temperance. Being careful about one's choices, not taking undue risks, and not saying or doing things

that you might later regret. Be a pussy. All these can be summed up by be a pussy. What a fucking asshole. No. Don't take any risks. No, it didn't say don't take any risks. Don't take unnecessary risks.

Only buy stocks that go up. It says don't take foolish risk. A 50-50% bet on a gamble, like in your solution that you brought in, your power pose solution, a 50% bet is not imprudent, right? The odds are just as likely in your favor as they are against. An imprudent bet would be to take a bet where the odds are vastly against you. They're always against you. No, they're not.

Yes, they are. That study literally that you cited isn't against you. No, but that's not a real life situation. In real life, in real life, the odds are always against you. That's not true. That's not true. Writing a book, it's absolutely true. Writing a book, odds are against you.

You're probably gonna fuck up. Starting a business. 80% of businesses fail. 90% of businesses fail. Every fucking single thing in life, the odds are against you. Marriage, it's over 50% end in divorce. So what do you do if you're temperate? Don't take any...be risk averse?

You're gonna end up in a van down by a river. You're gonna end up living with your parents your entire life because you didn't take any fucking risk. Take risk. Don't be temperate. Everything, everything in society is encouraging you to do nothing. to not rock the boat and to not follow rules, and you should do the opposite at all times.

Wow, what a big old cry baby bitch. Don't be temperate. Dick, there's plenty of times in life where the risk that you take is proportional to the reward, or the reward is greater than the risk that you potentially take. Acid is not as bad as they make it seem. Great. That's all I'm saying.

Well, that leads me to the last point here in temperance, Dick. Self-regulation is the capacity to overrime. your natural desires, tendencies, or behaviors to pursue long-term goals at the expense of short-term happiness. Does that make sense, Dick? Determining the amount of food

or alcohol you should consume, right? Self-regulation. Determining not to flirt with a neighbor's wife or friend's girlfriend or giving into carnal temptations even though you may want to in the moment. Because you know down the line that's going to hurt you and it's going to hurt them.

Yeah. People who have self-regulation have higher GPAs, report fewer pathological symptoms, they're less obsessive-compulsive, they're less depressed, they have less anxiety, less phobic anxiety, less paranoid ideation, and less psychoticism,

as well as higher self-acceptance and higher self-esteem. The more cooperative and financially responsible you are, the more likely you are to self-regulate, and less likely to abuse drugs or alcohol. Fuck you. No, no, do it. It's a great solution. It is.

all those things will make you that much easier to be to get taken advantage of by people who aren't doing that. Because the people who are taking advantage are so smart, right? No, they're not smart. They're just vicious. They just take other people's things. You can be vicious but temperate too. You don't have to be, you don't have to be. In temperance isn't necessarily being vicious, but you're more likely to be. Well, all right. That's your solution. Yeah. I disagree with it. Temperance. I think people get told that lesson way too. too much. I think people sit around trying to maximize their return on things so much that they end up doing nothing. Yeah. Dick, I'm not saying, here's the thing. You can't even think in any

capacity in a temperate way. Even when it comes to risk aversion, your solution, your problem with this is that someone might take the extreme view of never taking a fucking risk, which is by definition intemperate you fuck listen to what i'm saying if people are temperate then they will not be completely risk averse will they they will look at the risk and calculate it and then look at the benefit and say okay well let's have a simple uh cost versus benefit analysis does the benefit outweigh the risks then we should take this risk shouldn't we that's your you're the way you think is entirely intemperate dick too late i already did it you missed your chance to do it because someone like me did it. Way to go back to your lab

and cook up a how-to-live formula. Yeah. You want to go? Yeah, let me draw a card. When's the last time someone taught you a lesson in temperance, dick? What the hell does that mean? What's that supposed to mean? You want to fight them? You said this is a message

that's constantly being crammed down your throat. Where? Who's sending this message? Gosh, I think all of society is sending this message. I think academia is sending this matter? Like the idea that you have to go to a four-year university before you can even try to have a career to me is temperance. Like it's an extreme version of what you're talking about.

You think it's temperate to have to go to a four-year degree? I would say the opposite. I would say that that's more extreme in terms of education. You get the basic education you need up through high school and then specialized education in college. No, it's not zero. Coming out of high school? I think you know absolutely dick coming out of high school. Well, that's wrong.

I don't think reading, no, I don't think reading the stranger and where the red fern grows teaches you anything about life. Well, that's cherry-picking. And also- What else in high school do they teach? They teach you math. They teach you trigonometry. They teach you chemistry. They teach you biology.

Do you think a kid who graduates from, a normal kid who graduates from high school knows shit about math that they couldn't have, like, that they couldn't do on a calculator? No, because too many these anti-intellectual fuckheads are sitting around. In fact, I just saw this tweet the other day. pissed me off. Yeah. The tweet said, yep, another day went by and I still haven't used

algebra. This fucking asshole. Really? How many times in your day do you use haikus? How many times in your day do you use specific grammar rules that are so obscure

that you had to learn on some test? How many times per day do you use biology or earthquakes or chemistry or social sciences? All these things that you learn in school make you a more well-rounded person and create neural pathways in your mind that help your mind think critically down the line.

Yeah, we can't precisely say what it is, what combination of things you learn in school that help you do that. But school collectively has that aggregate function. Yeah. It has that aggregate effect on you and makes you a better, more well-rounded person. That's why we have creationists,

because they're homeschooled. They went to school too. Yeah, home. They got homeschooled. Their parents pull them out of school. They don't want to teach them evolution. They think they had after-hours education. Yeah.

creationism. You think the majority of creationists just, uh, they're exposed to all the ideas and they just choose creationism because it makes more sense. No, because it's what their parents told them to do. Hmm. Do you think school is, uh, people who go get a traditional education are more likely or less likely to be creationists? Who get a traditional, well, um, so that includes what, people who were schooled in like a religious school. Yeah. I would say they are much more likely to be creationist. Yeah. Someone who went to like a religious

Right. Little elementary school. Because when you're, when you're getting a religious education that's intemperate, you're getting all your, all your education from one source that has a theological, excuse me, they have a theological motive in their curriculum.

Whereas public education does not. I don't really care about creationists, though. There's not that many of them. Yeah. And they're stupid. Yeah, they are stupid, but there's enough of them to change the curriculum in Kansas. Well, but that's, see, that's a,

I think that's a separate issue. I think we've got a problem in this country of paying attention to extreme minority groups. Like, we can't just say, go fuck yourself. When they bring in, first of all, part of it is that they're hijacking school boards. Like, a group of four or five individuals should not be able to determine the textbooks

for the entire country. And because so many people pay attention to those textbooks in the South, the book people have to write them for them. They're not writing like a different textbook for every state. You know what I mean? Yeah. Because everybody buys them from the same place.

They're like, well, this is going to be everybody's textbook because we have to change it for them. Well, it's not four or five people on a committee somewhere in Kansas. Yeah, it is. No, but those people represent their constituents. They represent some of their constituents, but it's still them making the decision. It's like the Supreme Court. They didn't get, they're just there. They're making the call however they see it.

But Dick, the problem is once Kansas falls, and then West Virginia falls, and then maybe Virginia as a whole fall, these states, if they start falling in line with this broken, corrupt ideology of creationism, be it creationism or anti-vaccinations, right? It's a contagious idea. People start listening to other people and they start reading their materials and they're wrong. That's why I think it's so important. Well, we're getting off topic here.

No, no, but you're wrong on one thing. It doesn't take the dominoes to fall. It only takes one to fall. because if one falls, all the textbooks have to get rewritten because everybody buys from the same place. Do you see the difference? Yeah, well, yeah, but the fact that the textbooks aren't, the textbooks thankfully are federally mandated.

They're federally regulated. So you say, thankfully, I say that's part of this problem. No, it's not a problem because the federal curriculum is standard. And they're not going, it's much harder to change the federal curriculum than it is a state curriculum. A state curriculum can teach you any goofy nonsense and horseshit that you want, which is, again, this is a veiled attack on libertarianism, by the way. Which I know you pick up on, yeah.

I know you're picking up on it. Anyway, Dick, my card says you accidentally deleted a podcast, but you're able to recover it saving the day. Don't do it again, Sean. Move up two spaces. All right. No, that's me. Yeah, okay.

Yeah, you're you. You twist your ankle on the way home from a bar, but a nurse fixes it with a cold laser. Move up two spaces and draw again. Yeah. Man, he puts so much work into these. A deadly outbreak of measles strikes, but since you're not an anti-vax or dip shit, you're safe. Move up two spaces.

All right, Sean. No, that was, wasn't that Sean? You just read? He read two cards. That was Sean's, yeah. No, I'm me. You're you. I'm me, and Sean is Sean.

What about the cold laser thing? Wait, did you read for him? No. No, I read for me. Mine said draw again, and then I drew again. Oh, oh, okay. Have you guys ever played a board game before? No.

With all your critical thinking, fucking temperance shit? Sorry, Dick, too busy reading. Yeah, you're too busy reading the works of Plato and Aristotle. Yeah, it bugs you so much. You hate it. Maddox'll love this. The iPhone 6 outsells every other phone on the market. If you own an iPhone, move up three spaces.

Well, why don't you do some facts? You know what, throw this fucking board game away. Burn it. Why don't you do some research? That's not true. The iPhone 6, the iPhone 6 model itself, if you're just looking at phone models, but Android's far outweigh every other phone on the market. I think that was something Dick says.

Yeah. What? That fact. Oh, that was a quote for Dick? Yeah, I think it was a quote. Yeah. Oh, yeah, that's right. That is what you said.

Yeah, that's funny. Anyway, Dick, is that, yeah, that's... That's it. That's it. That's it. Yeah. Good. What are your solutions?

My solutions are satellites and temperance. My solutions are Ronald Reagan and the superhero stance. What's the difference? Use them together. See you next month? Who won this game? Me? I'm ahead.

The game's on pause, man. No. I'm gonna win this game. Do you want to go one more round? One more round. To see, I might go back. Yeah, great. Angelo's mom calls you gay.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, it's my turn. Okay, here, that's yours then. Oh, no, you already pick that. I'm gonna pick this one. Here we go. Someone from the audience yells to you, zipper, you look down and realize your fly is down, move back one space.

Fuck! You got a drinking card. I got a drinking card. Great. that was a reference to me in an improv show one time when I was doing a monologue on stage and someone from the audience yelled out

the suggestion, zipper and I didn't realize what they were talking about until a week afterwards because the pants that I wore at the time were buttoned and the buttons were really hard to put together so I never buttoned it.

Social, everyone have a sip of beer. And here's a quote from you, Dick. It says, maybe I think I'm a lot smarter than I really am. I was doing an impression of a guy when I said that. Maybe I think I'm a lot smarter than I am. You put off Christmas shopping until it's too late.

Move back a space because you had to go to the mall like a fucking idiot. Was that you or me? That was not a quote, but we did have Christmas presents as a problem on the show. Yeah, read mine. All right. More girls become engineers to prove the neo-feminist wrong about sexism. Move up two spaces. Oh, God, you know what that means, Maddox.

You are dead last on this game. You lose the game of the biggest problem. Well, here's the thing. Which is accurate because you are the lowest ranking problem on the show. Dick, here's the thing. We start, the start square on this board game is the bar, right? And the end is the studio. So I'm closest to the bar.

I think I win. Yeah. Cool. Congratulations. Are we playing this game backwards? No, no. It says here the start. We started at the start.

I don't know. Yeah, it says here it's a start. at the bar. That's where we start and we ended the studio. That's a huge fuck up, guys. We started the studio and ended the bar. It's true. Yeah. You need to reverse that on the next version of this game. Thanks, call the cops, I don't give a

fuck. Thanks, man. This message is actually for Sean. Sean, even if you really don't like your problem, and I hate to bring this up like a couple episodes later, and I'm sure other people won't shut the fuck up about it. But really, man, I

have been let... Okay, this kind of goes, everybody. listen to the podcast since like the first episode. It's been great. And honestly, I have been heavily considering buying the bonus episodes. And I think that, uh, you guys should add, like, an extra segment to bonus episodes. And if you did, I would actually consider buying the bonus episodes. And I'd be Sean, either bringing in a problem or a solution. Like, even if it's like a, even if it is a shitty problem or a shitty solution, I would legit, just go ahead and just buy one just because he again seems to be the voice of reason on the show added with your guys' energy and potential autism

then I totally consider buying that What an asshole Sean that's how to poorly make a point That's what a poorly made point sounds like yours sounded great Yeah I hide my psychosis well Oh well From that guy Thank you.