The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 1

Episode Date: April 19, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe. I'm Maddox. With me is Dick Masterson. Hello. So we nailed a... Let me give you some intro tips. All right. Okay.

Are you open to intro tips? Let's hear your intro tips. I have a problem with your intro already for the biggest problem in the universe. Well, wait. So we should explain what the show is. Yes. Go ahead. So the show is the biggest problem in the universe.

We are going through a comprehensive list of all the problems in the universe. And we throw them up on the website so you can rate them. and we will have at the end of the series, which is never, you will have a comprehensive list from start to finish of all the problems in the universe in order. And so we already have a problem. I already have one problem. So each episode, we're going to bring two problems to the show.

Yes, two problems each. And we're going to debate them in detail because one of us is an idiot and likes to bring stupid problems in to every show. Dick does not like to flatter himself when he talks about himself. Yeah, and the other guy is you. Here's my first problem. So let's try.

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe. Maddox best-selling author. How about that? Thank you. Possibly the first, I'm going to say, the first satirist on the internet was you. One of the early ones for sure. Yeah, I mean, I would have to go back and check.

I'll put you up with Sean Baby. I don't know, maybe a bunch of other people. But were you in the dial-up age? I was in the Dialup age. Yeah, that's how I used to connect to the internet is with Dialup, with QModem as an old DOS program. Nerd. Okay. So we've got a Dialup satirist.

One of the oldest writers on the internet, a true founding father. Yeah, I'm a pioneer of the internet. Of internet writing. Maddox best-selling author, Alphabet of Manliness. I'm better than your kids. There's got to be another book in 10 years. that I'm forgetting, is that... There is...

There will be. Also, there's a... Oh, yeah. That's a joke. Right. Yeah. Yeah. And then me, Dick Masterson, men are better than women.

There you go. Men are better than women. And we've actually worked together on a lot of different projects, actually. We've written together. We've actually sold a couple of shows and that have gone nowhere. Yeah.

They were great, though. Yeah. Absolutely fabulous. Fantastic shows. Not fabulous. They are fantastic. Okay. So, should we get to the problems?

Let's get started. Do you want to go first? Sure. Do you really want to? I'm fine. Okay, so let's do one, two, and then... Okay, you go first, then I'll go. All right, I'll go first.

My first problem, which is the biggest problem in the universe, hands down, is you. Of course. Maddo. Isn't that the same as your first problem you mentioned at the beginning of the show? Yeah, that's a great example of why you're such a problem. Big problem. Now, I have, so I'm going to specify, this is not, this is not a problem for me. Like, we're not just, this is not a show of personal gripes, right?

Of course not. This is a problem. This is a real problem for the universe. This is a universal, yeah, this is a problem that people would have in the real universe that would affect actual people. Yeah, because I have a litany of problems why you are a problem for me. A litany. Oh, of course.

Yeah. Yeah. I am a big, big, big. paining your side. Blatent disregard for time, for people's time, showing up hours late. Okay. Yeah. Hours. Are we... Hey, are we doing a podcast

today? Uh, maybe. No, it's on my calendar. Yeah. Yeah, Dick. Dick does not adhere to, like, the common accepted uh, you know, calendars and, uh, time systems. Like, and and he forgets to CC people on emails all the time. Those people are me. Maybe is not a time. That's all I'm saying. So, but,

in a broader, in a broad scope, like in a universal scope. Right. I think you are single-handedly responsible for filling the internet with garbage. Wrong. I'm sorry, you were wrong. No, would you like to hear my explanation? Let's hear it. I would love to you.

Just a brief explanation. Yeah, of course. Okay. You made internet rants look cool. Okay. Like you made looking pissed off on the internet look cool. You're like the Marlboro man of internet rants. Of internet rants.

Just as hazardous for your health. Yeah. No, it really is. So people see you and think it's cool to get on the internet and swear a whole bunch and complain. But it's not. Yeah. It's not funny. Funny when you do it.

Yes. It's a bestseller when you do it. Thank you. But when I see it everywhere else, it's painful. It's annoying. You know, I hate to. agree with you, just in general. Yeah. Especially on this point, because

I hate to consider myself a problem. But in this case, I will say this. I actually hate myself a little bit. I mean, I hate myself a lot. Yeah, all right. Okay, I hate myself a lot. Right. Because I feel like all these clickbait

websites that I bitch about all the time on Facebook. Like BuzzFeed. Like BuzzFeed. Yeah. And not just... That's you. What? I'm blaming you for that. Yeah. I am partly responsible for like the upworthy style titles, which are very hyperbolic and clickbaity, and now everything is the best or the worst or the best you will ever see in your life? It reminds me of an article entitled The 11 Worst Songs of 2004. 2004. Yes. However, there is a reason that was 11, and that's

because there were 11 tracks on the U2 album. Oh, I know. I remember the joke. Yeah. I got it. Well, I'm explaining for people who haven't seen it or don't remember. remember it, which means you should probably stop listening to this podcast and throw yourselves into traffic. But the problem is everybody's doing this now.

So it has lost... Not just angry. I would say hyperbolic to an extreme version of hyperbillin. Yeah. So it's become so commonplace that you can't just have a cute video of a

dog or a cat. It will be the cutest. Right. It will blow. Or the doggest. Or the dogest. And it will, it will be, well, nothing. I mean, it's become this, this, like, perverted, uh, cute version of extreme hyperbole. It is super annoying. I can't stand it. So I think I win. Show's over. You're the biggest problem in the universe. Thank you for listening, everyone. Uh, I guess tune in never. Yeah. Go. Okay. What's yours? My problem. My number one problem today. I wouldn't say this is the biggest problem in the universe, but it's definitely on the list.

And it's crying. I think that crying is a huge problem. Crying. Of any kind. In baseball. There's no. Dude, you know, um, do you know how much crying?

Like, I'm on board, first of all. Um, like, how much crying professional athletes do? That's like all they do, right? That's all. I think that is all they do. They cry about, you know, uh, you saw a, Farrell on the Oprah. Did you see the Oprah clip of Farrell? Oh my god. Are you kidding me? I have never seen

the closest I've ever been to watching an Oprah clip is watching myself on Dr. Phil. Oh, that's a good point. Dick Masterson was on Dr. Phil. Very hilarious clip. You should all watch it after you listen to this podcast. I don't care if you watch. I don't get paid for that. Dr. Phil gets money for that. That's a good point. Do not support Dr. Phil. Go. What did Farrell do on Oprah? He cried on Oprah. He got on Oprah. I think it's worse that you're watching Oprah than crying on Oprah. For research. You know, so here's the thing. I have my Maddox feed on Facebook and I see-chalk full of Oprah. Chalk full of idiots.

I've decided I've stopped pretty much unfriending people because there's no point. Everyone's an idiot. And everyone's posting this stupid bullshit. So I watch it because that's what I do. I have to consume a lot of shit to see what's out there. I mean, what else are you going to do, write another book? Well, yes. Yeah.

But I have to see what's out there just to comment on it. And there was this clip with Farrell on Oprah, and he cried. So crying seems like one of those things. First of all, a lot of my girlfriends have done it in the past. A lot? Yeah. 100%. There's one girlfriend you've had who didn't cry.

I would be shocked by that. Not because of you, just because of girlfriends in general. Yeah, I actually dated someone for her. about three months not a single tear. And I even asked her, I said, listen, you've got to be honest with me. That's a long time. I know. I said, you got to be honest with me. Are you a robot or a man?

No, I said, are you crying secretly? Like, are you... Oh, That's smart. Yeah, are you ducking off into a closet and then just like getting a good weep out and then coming out and you're fine? Like, like a guy would jerk off? No, she wasn't. She just wasn't crying for three months. And then after that, it was just waterworks after, like, nonstop. And I

encourage it to a certain extent because for some, for some people can be cathartic. However, then I came across this article. They did some research and there was a study. Yeah. This is actually, this is from the independent, the newspaper of the independent. They said that tears kill men's sexual libido. Their libido. It kills their sex drive. Oh, is that?

This is actually absolutely true. So here's a quote from the article. Okay. It says, smelling the tears of a woman can quell a man's sexual desire according to a study that determined female crying can have a direct chemical impact. on male libido? I gotta go get checked out then. I get the reverse of that.

Oh, no. Yeah, it's like two Viagras in one. Every tear. Oh. Yeah. Oh, boy. That's a real thing. Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, some people get off on that. So scientists have found evidence to suggest that tears from a weeping woman contain a chemical signal that can have a subconscious effect on a man's sexual desire. Hey, do you have, um, do you have like a boring sound effect on your laptop? Why, are you about to say something? Yeah. There you go. So it's, so it's a boner killer. Yeah, even if he's not witness to the crying. So, so that means just the scent of it. So here's the thing. This is actual solid advice to all the men listening. If your girlfriend cries into her pillow at night or into yours, and you guys are living together, wash the sheets. Or boyfriend. I mean. Or boyfriend. I mean.

No, this is only women's tears. Only women's tears have this chemical. There's a chemical in women's tears that kills man's sexual libido. And I've actually experienced it before, too. I've been, you know, I've been smashing it, and then I get a whiff of the pillow, and I'm like, oh, there goes my boner. You experience a sudden loss of essence. Sudden loss of essence. Loss of your manly essence.

My virility. Yeah. Just whoop. Okay. Well, I don't think that's a big problem. Really? You don't think it's a big problem to lose your sexual desire and not procreate and end the human race potentially because of women are crying? No, because apparently I'm a genetic anomaly. If anything, my crying, my pro-crying genes need to be passed on to the next generation.

That's what I'm learning here. All you guys are defects. This is where thumbs started with a guy like me that had a weird finger. No, no, no. Yeah. This is how like all the syndromes started. All the syndromes were these kind of mutations where it's like, oh, one guy, one weirdos getting off on this. Yeah, he's cool. Uh-oh.

Weir. So, you know, there have also been a lot of studies that say crying is beneficial. But here's the thing, crying is a way as a tool people use sometimes to manipulate. So if people don't get what they want, they cry, just like children do. I think that works on you, though. Because that doesn't work on me. Of course it works. I don't want to see crying ever.

It's the worst. There's the hyperbill. I cannot stand that shit. If someone's crying around me, I want them to stop or go away just so I can move on with my mouth. Dude, I really, like, I don't care. When someone is crying, not saying that I don't feel bad if they're in pain, like if they're actually in pain. But if they're just throwing like a big history on a fit, it does not move me to do anything. sociopath.

That's not a soci... If you know they're doing it on purpose, right? But do you? Uh... You know. You know, you don't know. They're always doing it on purpose. Okay. All right.

So, uh, so Maddox can't get it up when his girlfriend's crying. Is that the problem? That's the problem. That's the problem. Ends procreation. End of human race. Okay. Huge problem. Vote for crying on the website, guys.

All right. Not that big of a problem. Here's my next problem. What's your number two? So far, I'm in the lead. Okay. All right. This is a big problem.

Guys asking other guys questions about their dog. Hmm. Okay. All right, I'll bite. How's that a problem? So, well, let me tell you what happened here. I don't know how much back story I want to give on this either

I came into possession of a little dog How What do you mean? You kidnapped one? No I was I was babysitting it Yeah For a girl Who I had banged

Okay Okay So already you're screwing up Well You already banged her Yeah but I wanted to bang her again that That evening All right, okay

So I figured, yeah, okay. So she said, oh, I have to go to this audition. Mm-hmm. And then I have to go do a modeling shoot. Okay. So will you dickly watch my dog? Yeah. And my first thought is no.

Like, that's the last thing I want to do today. Yeah, watching a dog is the worst. Yeah, and especially, like, it's a really poorly behaved dog, as you might imagine. It bites. She leaves a leash on it all the time, so it has no idea when it's going outside. A bad dog, if you will. It's a bad dog. It's a cute dog.

It's a great dog. It's just trained improperly, right? So I'm like, yeah, okay, whatever. Yeah, leave your dog here. So I think to myself, all right, I'm going to take this dog out. And, you know, what's the best, what could possibly, what's, there's no better way to talk to girls than a little dog. there isn't there just isn't i can't argue with you because you just said there isn't well uh try to think of one what about just hi no that doesn't work

don't be weird don't be crazy who would just go to a girl and say hi hello how are you doing that's just weird well if you do do that wear like a cell phone around your head or else they're not interested if you do chicks will uh want to want to text on them all the time okay okay you have your little dog. It is a way that a lot of guys will, it's a strategy to meet women, sure. Yeah. And for guys to meet guys, I've seen that as well. Well, okay. Is that where we're going?

So I walk out with this little dog who's like tearing around me like a tornado and I'm trying not to choke the crap out of it because I'm in public. Because you're in public. That's the reason. And you got to discipline it. I come upon like, I'm not

joking. Probably 40, models lined up to go on some stupid audition. Guys or girls? Girls. All girls. Do I roll up with this dog? And I'm like, oh my God, jackpot. Right. Like, I pass, I'm getting like that eye from the first 10 or so. They're like, oh my God, please come talk to me with that dog. And I'm like, okay, ladies, I got, there's plenty of you. I'm not going to go for the first

ones in line. I've got to walk. I got all the time in the world here. I got the cutest dog in the world. I'm going to, I'm going to really pick the one of you that I want to talk to. Plus, it's a dog that a girl owns. So that dog is pre-selected to appeal to. Right. It's a girl dog, right? The girl likes the dog.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So you have the girliest dog in the girliest part of town with all the girly models and your girly hair. So what happened? And then I hear, thank you. And then I hear from behind, hey, what kind of dog is that? What do you be behind?

Some guy's standing right behind you? Yeah. Okay. And I'm like, I turn around and it's this, this big guy. This big burly girl. With like a, he must have been doing like PA stuff on the, for whatever they were doing there. Mm-hmm. But it totally threw me off.

I was like, what do you mean? What kind of dog? What do you care? Why are you, what do you care? Why do you want to know? Why do you want to know what? It's a pug. It's not, it's like a husky or something.

I'm like, what are you going to do? What are you possibly going to do with this information? Why do you want to talk to me? Exactly. He wants your number. No, he wasn't, he wasn't gay. He definitely wasn't gay. I'll tell you more.

What is his dick taste? Whoa. Wow. So, I was thinking maybe he just wants to horn in on what I'm doing, right? Could be. Yeah. It's possible. Yeah.

So I was like, all right, get out of here. Get out of here. What do you know? Another guy comes up. Hey, cool dog, man. Mm-hmm. How old is he? I'm like, I don't know.

I have no idea. and like my, the place I go in my body that makes lies that I can just tell them, like, oh, it's three weeks old or three months old. It was like totally empty because I'm talking to guys. Right. Like, I have no idea, you guys. This is totally messing me up. I got to get out of here.

These guys wanted your butt. Don't make this a gay thing. This is a gay thing. It's totally a gay thing. Like, guys talk to- Maddox. Yes. It happened all day. All day, I was walking around with this stupid dog and guys are kind of.

coming up to me and asking me questions about it. The only time anyone asks anyone about their dogs, unless they're with their partner, and sometimes even then, is if they want to hook up. 100% of time. So those are all guys who just were interested in you. You're totally, you can't possibly be this uptoos. I absolutely believe that. You can't possibly think that.

That's ridiculous. Unless they have a stroller and they're with their husband or wife. Maddox, that's absurd. You can't actually think that all these guys were gay and trying to hit on me. I am giving you a huge compliment right now That's not a huge compliment You're being ridiculous It's absolutely not the case

That's absolutely the case 100% true Well Not a problem Oh I'm sorry that your problem is That you're so attractive to men No here's the problem Because I think it's straight guys doing it

I think you're being stupid on purpose Okay I think that what this is going to turn into Is guys Just hitting straight guys Hitting on straight guys All the time And that's the future

It's going to be used to be sitting at a bar and a guy, a straight guy walking up to you and going, hey, do you come here often? And what are you supposed to do to that? You just say, yeah, man, look at the game. Maybe he's just trying to be friends. I talk to dudes in bars. Oh, yeah. So again, you. I'm not hitting on them. We're broing out. Sometimes you bro out pretty hard. That's what happens. Why do you want to talk to a guy at a bar? Because he might be wearing... the same or similar jacket to you and this actually happened to me one time so i have this like badass american flag jacket it's it's so fucking over the top evil canebel awesome and i wear this

thing around town i walked into a bar one time and uh dick i think i've told you the story but i walked into a bar and across the way i saw another guy another idiot in an american flag jacket another fucking badass in an american flag jacket and we locked eyes across this bar and we walked over and everyone is like staring at us. Uh-huh. We walked over to the middle of the bar without saying anything unprompted, high-five. People stare at a car crash, too. Well, this is a car crash of awesome.

We high-fived and immediately broed out, and we started talking about our jackets and how cool it was. He made his. He made his own American flag jacket. Anyway, so you guys, so my theory is totally correct. You guys are employing pickup artist techniques to pick up other straight men. I mean, we didn't, we didn't have sex. You understand.

Oh, no, no, no, no. I understand. I understand that I'm the weirdo here. Yeah. And that everyone, all these guys are now hitting on each other just to talk to each other. No. That's what you guys are doing. Okay.

Hitting on and talking are two different things. No, it's not. No, it is not. It is not. So, so glad you said this on the air because this is what I want everyone to witness. Your insane thought process here. I'm insane. You don't differentiate.

There is no such thing as talking. Everything you ever say is calculated to get late. No, that's not true. Because I thought about it. I thought about, because I was like, all right, I don't want to be too harsh on these guys. Right. Maybe I've done this.

So I thought about the times I've talked to a guy this week. Like I've asked another guy something this week. Like for his number or something? No. Do you have something you want to get off your chest about this gay stuff? If you want to. Gosh. I don't know, man. Do you want me to get it off my chest? Like, how do you want me? Okay. Here's what I came up with.

Yes. I asked the guy, I was in a coffee shop. Yeah. It's also a restaurant that I go to all the time. And this guy had what looked like a beer. Right. But I wasn't sure because it could be like a fancy juice or a tea or something. You don't know. So I said, hey, is that a beer? And he said, yes. Okay. And I thought, I was like, okay, this is over. But then I was, like, okay, this is over. but then I was like, wait a minute, what if he brought it in here?

What if you're not allowed? And so I said, wait a minute, wait a minute. Did you get that beer here? And he said, yes. And I was like, unbelievable. I didn't know you could get beer here. Ah, okay, so here's the end. End of conversation.

And I couldn't even look him in the eye. So you screwed up before you even open your mouth. Because in your thought process, you thought, wow, what is that juice or tea? There was the possibility. You thought there was a possibility that he could be drinking tea. So you just put yourself in a position. where you were asking a guy about his tea. Who's hitting on who?

Do you not understand the point of that conversation? Oh, I understand the point of your conversation. I wanted to know if I could get beer at that restaurant. Yeah. Well, you could just say, hey, did you order that here? But I don't know if it's beer. Have you seen, like, a fancy beer bottle and a fancy tea bottle? They look exactly the same.

No, tea box. Except one is full of garbage. Tea bottles are like... The honest tea bottles where they're plastic and they have that bullshit label. There's many different bottles of... tea out there, Kimosab. Oh, I didn't know.

There's so many different kinds of... I'm not a tea expert, apparently. So, uh, you know, you know all the different tea bottles. Well, I guess you don't because you had to ask the guy for the beer. Basically, you hit on the guy. Okay. Here's, here's question number two. Yes.

That I asked. Yes. I was at another bar. Uh-huh. I was at a bar where I know they serve beer. Right. And a guy was walking around smoking. Yeah.

And I was like, wait a minute. Is this one of those places that just pays the fine? And you can smoke inside? Oh. So I said, hey, are you allowed to be smoking in here? What are you? Okay. What are you so excited about?

That's just like such a like a policeman type. Like what are you, the librarian, the smoking police? However, I know where you're going with this. What are you? Okay. This is a just a, this is a guy walking around a bar smoking. Do you think he cares if he gets caught? No.

No. So he said, no. And I said, okay, well, I don't want to get kicked out of here, so I'm not going to smoke. Okay. No, okay, the second one was legitimate. So you think those guys went home and sat down and they're recording their own podcast right now. And they're saying, man, I can't believe some guy hit on me. He asked me what kind of beer I was drinking.

Or he asked me if I was drinking a beer. No, because there's an easy explanation for that. He was wondering if he could buy beer here. When a guy asked me how old my dog is, what in guys? God's name could he possibly do with that information? Ask you for your number. That's why people have pets. Beyond the gay stuff.

People have pets. Like forget about the gay stuff for 10 seconds. This is a case of straight men peacocking in your case. Like using, employing this hitting on each other with other straight men. That's the future. That's the future. And if you don't think, if you don't think that's the future, you're dead wrong. Dick, you.

You don't know if those guys were straight or not. And we can only assume since people generally have dogs, they walk their dogs, dog parks, and that sort of thing, to meet other people. So I think it's safe to conclude that those guys were gay and they were hitting on you. I assume if I had a dog and someone wanted to talk to me and I would assume that they want to get in my pants. Unless there was absolutely no sexual attraction to me or there was like a dog nerd, which I can't, I wouldn't want to talk to anyway. I don't like dog nerds.

Like who cares? Okay, you got a fucking dog. Great. I'm moving on with my life. I'm going on to the rest of the park. Or just going home. I'll just get in my car and drive home. You're part of the problem on this one.

Well, I wasn't hitting on you. What's your last problem? My last problem, and this is a big one. I think you'll agree with me on this one. Maybe not. This is worse than your remorse over making your girlfriend cry is what causes erectile dysfunction and not some goofy.

science explanation where their tears are full of reverse boner it's boner killer reverse bona iris yeah okay the opposite of iaga they they put women's tears in those pills um no this one is this one is potentially worse than that uh and i had no remorse over making my girlfriend's cry clearly um okay families families is my second problem the the concept of a family or the execution of a family both the concept of a family well the concept of a family well the concept of a family is fine in theory, right? They're there for you. They support you. They're always, they've always got your back, right?

However. Yeah. Yeah. Great. But that's rarely the case. And if you think about, think about... I can't wait to see the science on this one. That's rarely the case that a family supports you? Yeah. Okay. No. Families

don't support. They take. So here's... Here's my... Okay. The standard family. The most common family. Like the Simpsons? Yeah, like the Simpsons. All right.

Two parents, two kids. Well, I guess they have three kids. But two parents, two kids. I don't know if that is the standard, like, aren't there, are there, is the majority of, are the majority of families married still? Or are they divorced? I'm not sure. The majority of divorces and in, or the majority of marriages and in divorce, but I'm not

sure about the majority of, of childbearing marriages. I'm not sure about that. Oh, that's true. okay, I guess I don't know that. So I would say that on average, a family would have like two kids, right? Two kids, a dog. I think it's like two and a half. Yeah, two and a half kids.

We'll round down to two. So you have, let's look at each element of the family. You have the father, right? Who's essentially a stranger. You don't know this man. I mean, this is like, it's so bizarre to hear you talking about this and pretending it's like an abstraction at all. Like, are you talking about your family? Yeah.

Okay. So, go ahead. Okay, you know, it's not just that my family's been rough or bad at times. Oh, here comes with tears. There's no tears. I better get an erection really fast. You're going to get the biggest boner you've ever had in your life. You better, I'm going to move my stuff. You're going to knock this table over.

Oh, yeah. So if you think about the father figure, your father is a stranger. Okay? You don't know this man. He came from a different area. How many dudes do you hang out with who are separate from you by 60 or 50 years culturally? Zero, except for your father. It's suddenly okay because he's your father.

What you have- 50 or 60 years culturally? Okay, let's say 40 or 30. 30? 30 years. 20 to 30, I would say. 30 years is a lot. If you were culturally, that's three generations apart. Yeah.

Essentially. You have nothing in common with this weirdo. It's one generation apart. It's your dad. Okay, fine. But, but, I mean, culturally, you're three decades apart. Right, culturally, you're three decades apart. You guys listen to different music.

He came from different era, different principles, different economic, everything. Everything was different about his upbringing. Oh, yeah. And by the way, my dad was 51 when he had me, so. Okay, that's older. Right. And, you know, it's not that uncommon. I found other people who have, like, really old dads.

Okay. So, essentially, you're really, growing up with a stranger who has no right over you other than he made you great. This is a bizarre description of a family. This is what you're doing. No, this is a very bizarre description of a family. This is a very ordinary description of a family. And this is what we've come down to.

You have just these weirdos who are raising you. These strangers who just by virtue of the fact that they conceived you, you are supposed to respond to them, adhere to them. These are the people who tell you what to do, how to raise you.

They influence your upbringing. You can't survive without them for a couple of years. That's kind of important. Why can't you pick your family? Is that the problem? Is it the problem that you're bringing? No, the problem is families.

I'm not sure what the solution is. The problem is definitely families. What in the hell are you talking about? The problem is families. So there are two types of families. Good, good ones and bad ones, right? Okay. Okay. And then there might be mediocre ones, but whatever. Let's just focus on the good and the bad. The bad we know it's bad. Let's just make it black and white so it's easy to be a complete jackass about it. Go ahead. Okay. Let's focus on the

no, it's like in mathematics. You focus on the extremities of a graph. You want to know when an I guess you do. Okay. That's what mathematicians do. You focus on the ones and the zeros. So we're going on ones and zeros. So let's focus on your family problems. What specifically is wrong with the family to you? Okay. They're A-holes? If a family is good, if a family is nice, if a family is perfect, that pisses me off. Like, have you ever seen a family where just everything about them is so perfect? Yeah, it's mine.

It's my family. We have Christmas cards every year. It's great. Fine. Great. Great. We have Thanksgiving dinner. Everybody pitches in.

Oh, wonderful. Great. I get S-Faced by like 1130. Yeah. Oh, great. Awesome. Awesome family. A little, that's dysfunction.

We have a Christmas letter. realize that dysfunctional. We all went to each other's graduations. Oh, yeah. Okay, great. You invited some stranger, your dad, to your graduation. They're not strangers. There are people who are 30 years apart from you.

And they kind of look like you. Yeah. So what? I kind of look like lots of people. They're not my father. This is, I need to wrap my head around this. It's just too bizarre. And I don't know specifically what the problem is.

You can't, like, family is not a problem. Okay, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so bad families are a problem, right? Okay. Sure, of course. You don't want to have a dysfunctional family. It brings up a dysfunctional people. Got a lot of good art comes out of dysfunctional families. Like, apparently your website and all your books.

Great. According to this. Yeah. At, at a huge psychological cost, apparently. So let's look, let's look at the good family, right? There's, their family sometimes where we see like the mom is attractive, the dad is handsome. That's my family again. That is absolutely not true.

Their kids are good looking. Absolutely not true. Are you saying my mother is not beautiful? I will kill you. Super hot. Are you, I will double kill you. How dare you? Your dad. Actually, I've met your folks.

They're awesome. All right. Don't talk about my family, please. Okay, great. The part I'm getting at is the kids. The kids are attractive, which you obviously didn't get from your parents. And they're perfect, whatever. There was that song that came out around. Christmas called Christmas Jammies.

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart. No. No, not that song. There's a song that came out called Christmas Jammies. Wait, is it the one that went, Roof, Ruff, Ruff, Ruff, Ruff, Ruff. No, but that is a good song. I do like that song.

Okay, Christmas Jammies. What is it? Actually, I have it here. I want to play a little piece of it. No, don't play a song. No, we have to just to set it up. We just have to set it up. I swear.

What's about families? I thought you love families. If you play a song, I'm going to smash this glass and eat it. to slip my throat. I am absolutely playing the song. I do, this is the most, I hate this more than anything else in the world. At least let me talk while the song's playing. No, then take your headphones off.

No, I'm not going to stop. No, I'm not going to stop. I will not let you play the song. Play the song. All right, here we go. So this is that song came out last Christmas. This was a Christmas card that, like a video card that the family sent out to people. That was the premise that they sent it out, right? Uh-huh.

Here we go. Listen to this piece of shit. And by the way, the family is just nauseating. They're nauseatingly perfect. We go. Okay. These are my Christmas jammies. Oh, yeah.

It's a holder night. Okay, that's enough. You got to stop it. It's already annoying, right? Yeah. Let's just hear the first. 2013 in review. So it's a white guy rapping?

White guy rapping. Dancing in the front yard and day and the neighbors walk by and this is what they say. Are this Christmas jadies? Already. Already, already you just want to. Why does this upset you so much? The levels of anger that I have right now, I would, I have like a stack.

Like in programming, you have stacks and cues. Nerd. And my stack has like 80 items on it. I don't even know where to begin right now. I wish that you could have a shirt that said like, I don't know, Doss like a boss. And on the back, it was like, my stack has 80 items on it. You are such an effing nerd. Okay.

So, all right, like the family. First of all, it started out with a kid who can't even talk. Your processing stack is very high. Very high. The kid can't even talk. It's already, the video, the premise is terrible. That's three things. The kid is not adorable.

He's annoying. He's got mush mouth. He can't speak. He shouldn't be on camera. They are Christmas jammies. Oh, great. Real cute. Yeah, they are Christmas jammies?

The pretentious neighbor comes by, are those Christmas jammies? Why does this upset you? Because it's insincere. It's fake. So you think? And it's, it's, uh, show offy. That's what it is. It's bragging.

That's what it is. Okay. It's looked at us. They're ramming. their perfect family down your throat. That's what annoys. And you're, meanwhile, you're living with a stranger. Yeah.

Who you didn't even pick. Who are these guys coming in with their jammies? Yeah, they're jammies. Oh, they're perfect fucking matching jammies. Great. The perfect hot mom. And listen, just listen to the, there's just a few more seconds. Check it out.

We just bought a Prius V. Great. They brought a Prius V. Awesome. Thanks for bragging. We care because why. Why are you telling us this? And it matches these.

perfectly. Oh, perfectly. How perfectly it matches. I really hope my family does this for next Christmas. Oh, great. Fine. More shit to burn. Instead of, instead of family, can we title your problem, um, jealousy? No, it's not jealousy. It seems a little bit like it's jealousy. Okay, maybe. Yeah, I want a hot wife. Sure. I want a hot wife in a fucking perfect family and a fucking perfect house. Great. And a Prius V and fucking annoying ass, ugly, ugly neighbors. No, my attitude is perfect. I think your attitude is not conducive to the video that you just played or the song that you played. It's absolutely.

I'm like so angry. I'm sweating right now. That's what I think. Can you imagine a perfect family centered around you? A guy who gets so angry at viral videos that he starts gushing sweat into his nerdy t-shirts? So, okay, the other question is, can you trust? your family. Can you ever trust them? Yeah, to varying degrees.

Okay. If your mom says, Dick, you're, you're so handsome today. Awesome. Absolutely, like. No, lies. That's definitely true. Are you calling my mom a liar? I will kill you. I will stab you.

No, your mom is so hot. So you can't trust your family to give you compliments? Any compliment coming from your family is you have to take with a grain of salt. They might be lying. You are. Because they're trying to build you up. No, it could be a lie. You can't trust them.

So who can you trust? Who else can you trust then? Doesn't that go for everybody? No, you trust your critics. Your critics are your best friends. So let me get this straight. The only time you feel comfortable when you're talking to someone is when they're actively criticizing what you do. No.

That's what it sounds like. Okay. It sounds like the only people you trust are the ones who are shitting on you. I trust them if they're shitting on me. But not necessarily, because some people could shit on you because they don't like you or because they have an agenda or they have some motive or some ulterior motive or something like that. You have to take it... Yeah, like if you were the biggest problem in the universe, they would take that opportunity to... That would be the motive that you're talking about.

Like if someone were to have a problem on a show and it was you. Yeah. Yeah, that would be the motive. Yeah. Well, okay. If it's coming from an honest place. Like, for example, there are people who don't like me. And they don't like my style of humor.

Great. I don't care about their opinions. However, there are people who do like me. Well, there are also people who do like your style of humor and just don't like you, to be fair. That's true. That's all. Okay. It's not all.

I'm saying it's not about the humor necessarily. Right. Maybe it's just you. Yeah. You get a baby laugh. Thanks. So, yeah, you can't trust your family. They're always there for you.

Are they always there for you? Yeah. Really? Yeah. What if you're, what if you are? What if your parents are alcoholics? Mine aren't, but I'm just saying, what if they are? Or what if they have some problem?

And should you love someone unconditionally? They're supposed to love you unconditionally, right? What are you proposing? Like, the Matrix? Is that how you think it should work? Where there's just a bunch of... You've seen The Matrix, right? Yeah.

Where there's just a bunch of babies and pods and they don't have any parents? Isn't that weird that they never had any parents in the Matrix? They... I guess... No, they didn't. They were just printed out. They were grown. But from someone's DNA, those are your parents.

Randomized DNA. They were just like cloned. Oh, okay. Yeah, that's pretty cool. That's what we should... So how did they grow up in the Matrix? Like, when they were kids, who was their parent? Well, they had those memories implanted in them. When they were little babies in the pods. Yeah. Like, and growing up... Right.

Who was... What were they doing? They were just being fed and grown. But what were they doing in the Matrix? Were they kids in the Matrix? Yeah, in the Matrix. Who was their parents in the Matrix? Probably the same randomized. Other people? Yeah, other people just randomized. That's essentially what we are.

Oh, it's weird. You're just some random sperm floating around in your dad's dick, and then it finds your mom's ovaries. I think you need an anatomy lesson. That's not where sperm floats around. No. Well, you are the expert. So you can't trust your family.

Okay. Because they're always there for you, supposedly. But why is that a good thing? Like, what if, like, there are people, you know, Osama bin Laden's son was interviewed after he does. There we go. 9-11. That's how you know. This is a crappy argument. Always. No, this is a great argument. So they interviewed him after 9-11, and they asked him, they said, do you know where your father is?

He said, no. They said, would you turn him in if you knew where he was? No, of course not. Well, yeah, he actually hesitated. He actually disagreed with what his father did. Well, yeah, because he didn't want to look like a jerk. That's why he hesitated. He's like, do I want to tell the truth on TV where I look like a jerk, or do I just want to lie and get this over with? No, he actually did tell the truth. He said, well, here we go. So your family always lies to you, but Osama bin Laden's son always tells the truth.

What did he say? You don't know him. I don't know him. Okay, so he said, what my father did is terrible, but I still would not turn him in because he's my father. I know I've been on TV. It's pretty easy to lie on TV. Oh, yeah. Okay.

What? Well, no, that's what he said. He said, I know what my father did is terrible, but I still wouldn't turn him in because he's my father. So I feel like that's an honest answer. He's looking at both sides of things. So if your son or daughter... I bet he felt so good about that answer. He's like, oh, man, I really answered it honestly there.

I don't even. I was really put to the crucible and I answered... I gave my eyes. It's such a joke. Put to the crucible. People are so happy. I really had integrity with that answer. Nobody said this.

Everybody thinks that. You're conjuring. I mean, I think that. I love to pat myself on the back. Yeah, everybody does. Oh, they do. and they take a stand for themselves. Yeah. Oh, that's...

That makes me of a problem. Okay, so... So, um, families kind of stick out for each other right or wrong, which is wrong. What if your son or daughter was a pet... What if you had a son or daughter and they were a pedophile? Would you turn them in?

They were pedophile as a kid? No, they grew up to be a pedophile. You can't be a pedophile as a kid. You'd just be a weirdo and be like, oh, here comes that weird kid. Molesting all the kids. Yeah. That's weird. That is weird. I mean, it's a problem.

Do you think they are when they are when they're like... their kids? No, they can't be pedophiles. If you're a kid attracted to another kid, that's normal. Do you think they still smile like that? Like, your petto smile? The peto smile? I, no, I don't think so. The peto smile is kind of like a creepy type of... I know, but a kid could smile like that. Can't they? Maybe, but the intent is different. The intent is... Because I've been attracted to little girls when I was a little boy. When I was a little boy, I was attracted to little girls. Man, isn't that weird? Yeah. Like, that you can be... Whatever, like, 12 years. old and you can totally find a 12 year old girl attractive.

Right. And you can think about it years later and you don't even remember what she looks like. And you're like, man, I don't know. For some reason, like I was just attracted to that girl. Isn't that weird? And it's like you know that they're your own age and you know. And I think back too because I remember like kids like little like little girls I used to have a crush on as a little boy.

And I think, oh yeah, they're really hot. And then, but I don't think of them as children anymore. I don't think of that. I don't even think of them as children. I think of them as like they're like whatever they're grown up. An equal. Yeah. Then I look them up on Facebook and they have like they're fat and they have like four kids.

And then you go write an angry rant about it. Then they cry and I lose my boner. Yeah, all right. Your family thing is weird, man. It's very personal. You didn't answer the question. Should you love someone unconditionally? If your son or daughter grew up.

Dude, I feel like I'm talking to a chick right now. Like should you love someone unconditionally? What in the F are you talking about? That's what families do. Do you think that's a problem? You don't think that's a problem? They definitely don't. They, well, a lot of them do.

That's what, that's the virtue of a family. You're supposed to love someone on commission. Do I think they should? Is that the question? They do. They do. Yeah. That's a problem.

Why is it a problem? Because it shields pedophiles. Done. QED. Okay, so we finally got to your problem. Yes. Which is specifically families shield pedophiles. Families shield pedophiles.

The family unit has, has even, evolved for millions of years is designed to shield pedophiles and the world's number one terrorist. We have a quote. Well, we don't know. He said he didn't know. He said he didn't know, but he said if he did, even if he did, he wouldn't. I don't know where my dad is all the time. Well, that's different. Okay. Maybe, you know, maybe he threw him off track. I don't know. Sure, but if someone, it's shielding the number one terrorist in the world. It's shielding pedophiles. It's shielding criminals. And we see it on the news all the time. People I really like when did you become internet Batman that you're so worried about all these crimes taking place since always that's what Maddox does that's what I do well he's like a crappy nerd Zorro that's what

Maddox does I don't think so crappy nerd Zorro oh man just one more on that stack it's like 84 high now I'm feeling a bunch of I'm thinking a bunch of people are going to be inspired by this anti-family rant to write a bunch of unfunny internet rants Yeah, potentially. And are you digging on my inspiration article? Is that you're taking a dig at my inspiration? No, I'm not. I'm not. I'm digging, I'm taking a dig at myself, if anything, because you have,

like I would, you remember when Beavis and Butth had got shut down because they were doing, they were lighting stuff on fire and then that kid like burned his trailer down? No, that. You remember that? No, vaguely. Let's, let's recount that. What happened? That's the entirety of the story. All right. And then Beavis and But had to put that stupid disclaimer up.

and everyone was always saying that emulation, well I was always saying like the argument that kids are going to see things and emulate it is stupid. Why? Well, because I wanted Beavis and Butthead, that's why. That's the real reason.

But they obviously do and you, my biggest problem, you influencing all these people to do what you do, to try to do what you do makes me question my values and I hate doing that. Well, okay, yeah, potentially I could inspire some idiots to write some unfunny, shitty rants. And that happens. That's actually happened several times. Yeah.

There have been all sorts of knockoffs of my website and that sort of thing. But that's like saying that somebody enjoying a beverage in a bar or restaurant, like a beer, is inspiring. Yeah, but no, it's worse than that. It's worse than that. Here's one of my problem is worse than that. Because you, I think you are like the first horseman of the idiocracy. where the angry communication is now like standard. And it's like, okay, well, first, first everybody's pissed off all the time.

I guess. And ranting all the time. But it's different, man. And using hyperbole all the time. That's like step number one. That does annoy me. That does absolutely annoy me. But it's different.

It's different. Like, I feel like people have become these, there's this expression that floats around on the internet of social justice warriors. You've heard of this before? I've never heard of this expression on the internet. Oh, yeah, it's fantastic. Is it like people who post on Facebook and like things to make a difference? That's part of it.

But essentially, it's somebody who does a moral crusade for some kind of cause, like, for example, the rape culture. And that becomes, yeah, and they talk about how every, almost everything contributes to this rape culture, which is damaging to rape victims because essentially you're saying, you're taking culpability away from the rapist and blaming it and shifting it on to, society. Rain, the anti-rape network, has actually even come out against this concept of rape culture. But there are these social justice warriors who go around on forums and they sign petitions and they shut down Facebook websites. Can I interrupt you for one second? Because I'm just, I'm just, I'm thinking of your family problems. And I'm imagining you with a kid. Yes. Like, who's like, you know, like the kid, what if he's like really normal? And he's like,

God, I wish I could have just picked. I got this stranger, this effing weirdo, who raises me for no reason, always ranting about a rape culture and an organization I've never even heard of. I'll never hear of again. This poor little kid has got to sit with this guy. I'm just picturing your perfect family scenario. And I empathize and sympathize with my own son.

I'd be like, look, I'm sorry, man. This is your luck of the draw. if you find a better family I'll give you my blessings go live with them and I would have to vet the family I would have to make sure it's a good family not full of pedos

What gives you the right? What gives you the right? How dare you? Well you would shield Who you would shield if they were pedophiles I don't know That's a tough one right Well because first you have to deal with the

I mean first you have to look at the fact that like You created a pedophile Yeah And it seems like they show up in cases of like Massive Sexual Abuse as a kid. Sometimes. Well, yeah.

I mean, I wouldn't do that. So it's hard to then imagine a child growing up as a pedophile that you're responsible for it. Fine. I mean, pedophilia is such a heinous crime. What about other crimes? Like drunk driving, your son kills somebody? You'd be fine with that. Oh, I'd be fine with it.

You shield them? Of course, yeah. Okay. Well, there's a child? A child of mine? No, not a child. Okay, he's 16 years old. He just got his license.

Like that rich kid who was suffering from affluenza. He killed someone drunk driving. Yeah. parents bailed him out, the judge gave him to slap on the wrist? What are you going to do? Send your own kid to jail? Is that what you're going to do? They're in lines. Are you an idiot? And that's the problem with families.

Oh, what I just expressed. Yes. Okay. So that's parenting advice from two single idiots who are about the same age. One was raised in a perfect family. And the other, I'm not, I don't know, I'm not going to comment. But that's where we've arrived at me, not sending my child. to an ass-rape prententiary and you saying, you know what, government,

I just don't know what to do anymore. Take them do whatever you want. Yeah, I guess. Again, you are the biggest problem in the universe. No, absolutely not. So as for the biggest problem in the universe, we should probably be wrapping up here. Make sure to go to the website,

the biggest problem in the universe.com. That's the biggest problem in the universe.com. It's a mouthful, but we have all these problems on the website. It's a mouthful. We're too cheap to buy a shorter domain. Yeah, shorter domain. They're all gone, thanks to you, idiots. and so it's really important to vote

because we need to create a comprehensive running list of all the problems we talk about on the show. It's really important. There's a lot at stake here. There is no comprehensive list of problems. I just say that so seriously. It's really important. Absolutely, absolutely important.

There's a lot of stake here. Okay. And the problems were Maddox is the biggest problem in the universe or guys asking questions about little dogs, which is, dude, Now that I look at it, I don't know.

That's silly. Imagine a future. Can you imagine your dad looking at what you're doing with the same jacket peacocking and hitting on another guy in a bar? It's just a cool fucking jacking. I can't help that my jacket draws people to me. And then you like run over and hug each other like. It's like a romantic like.

It is not. What is that movie with Brad Pitt? You tell me. This is a trap. I don't know. Yeah, I don't know either. I don't know any movies with Brad Pitt. I know.

I know Fight Club. That's one manly bad-pit movie. Do you know? I do not. I do not fight club. That's it. That's the only manly movie's ever been in. I don't know any other movies has been in. He was in Snatch. That's exactly what I said. Not paying attention looking at your stupid sounds. Okay. And what are your problems? My problem, number one problem was crying. It kills libidos and of the human race.

Oh, we should talk more about that one instead of weird family stuff. Yeah, you blew it. No, your family problem was weird, dude. that's a weird like families in general it took so long to get to the actual problem which is families protect pedophiles yeah and terrorists yeah i mean who's a terrorist osama bin lans is a terrorist okay like he is the de facto terrorist yeah the number one terrorist all right if that's what they say i guess yeah so we can't protect them so yeah the family thing i feel like the reason it's so uh confusing and weird and abstract to you is because i have just enlightened you.

I feel like this is false. No, it's absolutely true. This is, this is, this is like a new mode of thought. This is, we're getting somewhere. This, I'm moving humanity forward. No, it's like, it's like I'm seeing, it's like I'm seeing a train wreck, but it's not trains. It's a vehicle. I can't figure out what the vehicles were before the wreck.

Like, I'm like, this has got to be a train wreck, but there's like, there's half of a boat sticking out of it. Yeah. And there's like, you know, there's. There's like hot dogs all over the place. I'm like, what happened here? That's me trying to look at what you're saying. Like your idea. Your idea is this impossible.

It's like a Gordian train wreck. That's what I'm saying. Do you know what Gordian knot is? No. A Gordian knot is a myth. It's like whatever, Greek myth. But is a knot that's so complex like it couldn't be. It couldn't be untied.

So some dude came on and just chopped it up with a sword. He's like, there you go. I untied it. Okay. Cool. So that is exactly what this analogy is like. Gordon Train wreck. Gordon Train wreck.

That's you. There we go. An untieable, except with a sword. Perfect analogy. Oh, yeah. Okay. So crying in families. Prying in families.

And then we had people, I guess, guys, hating on you. I don't need you to, I don't want you put a color, color on mine. Yeah, there's already plenty of color on it. Commentary on it. All right.

That's the end of this episode. Thanks for listening. Tune in next time. And vote on these. We're going to talk about which ones you guys voted. All right. Enough with the voting. They got it.

This has been Maddox and Dick Masters. Thanks for listening.