The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 10

Episode Date: April 19, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe. I'm Maddox with me is Dick Nasserson. Hey, what's up, buddy? Same old. The big question every week is, who won last week? So last week, the number one problem was movie ratings. Clean sweep. Followed by shame-shaming.

That's two for me. Okay. Shooting you down, dude. All right. You're the Red Baron. I don't know, everyone else. No, I'm, if I'm getting shot down, I'm whatever, the allies, and you're the Red Baron. You jerk off.

You're stupid, your stupid fly problem was ranked so low that that was, you're not even the Red Baron. You're a kamikaze pilot. That was a suicide. You brought that idea. That was a suicide mission. I can't believe your stupid MPAA problem got the one first place that week. Of course. It was a huge leap you were making from movie ratings, which.

which I admit, ruin movies, like movies getting watered down ruins them, to books being banned. That was the leap you were making. It wasn't much of a leap because you admitted that movie ratings, movies are worse now because of movie ratings, because they're chasing that PG-13 rating. So the same thing could happen to books. As soon as they put book ratings on there, which is the next logical step past trigger. When you say logical, I picture you taking like a hat made of tinfoil and putting it on. And you're like, everybody now follow me to this crazy conspiracy.

Nope, not at all. That actually was a very cogent argument. So, and then you had your indignant driver problem, which I got a comment from Andrew Lopez. He says, I love Dick screaming at you because he doesn't think you're calm enough in the car. Yeah. Which is all you did. All you did last episode.

I get it all out here. Then when I get on the road, I'm fine, man. Sure. What do comments you have? I got some comments. It might be the same girl emotionally. easy on on on Twitter. She says ha ha ha I literally just walked to my car and found this note on it.

I am the biggest problem and her note did you see this note I did somebody had written on a napkin dear moron calm down and put it on her windshield and I saw this note and it's hilarious like it looks like it was written by someone old like even the the dees are really squiggly it even looks like they write slow I mean someone old it's probably just someone who didn't want to deal with a maniac on the road. I got more problems. We'll put that picture up on the website, too. It's funny.

Joey Rogers, damn Maddox. Dick has a point. You could probably ditch the taser if you take a few of those women's self-defense classes. And just for context, I think he's talking about when you're screaming at this big guy on the road and you grip, when he gets out of the,

when you've pissed him off enough for him to get out of his car and beat your ass, you grab your taser. To defend yourself. Okay. You know what? I got to be honest here. I actually lied during that last episode.

It wasn't a taser. It was another weapon. And I'm not going to say what it was because I don't want to incriminate myself. What could it be? That's it. I'm not going to say. What could it be, Sean, our audio engineer. It could be, what's a criminal weapon to have?

It could be a knife. It could be a giant machete or it could be a gun, right? I don't think he owns a gun. I own a gun. Yeah. Do you want a gun? I have several guns? I have been a gun.

Oh, wow. It could have been a gun. This is just me speculating. It could have been a gun. You know what else is illegal that it could have been? Child porn. He could have pulled it out to frighten the guy away. Like, look at this.

You don't want to mess with this. I got a bunch of kiddie porn in here. I just roll it up, whack him with it like a newspaper. Do you think he has brass knuckles with his name on them? That would be, you should get that. That's awesome. If anybody needs those, it's you. Yeah.

Yeah. That's pretty cool. And it's written backwards, too. So it leaves an imprint and they can see it in the mirror. I got more. Can I read more comments? Yeah, yeah. Then I got one.

Okay. Joel Bailey, rain-slick Dick could beat Maddox in a race. He's got those Persian racing rims for a reason. That's right. I am fast and I'm not ashamed of it. That's why it's all over my rims. You're the driving prince of Persia. And then just in case, that sounds like a fake name.

Zimbaluck. Yeah, Maddox is totally wrong about the driving problem. He's just driving like a total asshole. Oh, okay. Well, thank you for the actual argument that was completely opinion-based. Can I propose something for you? Do you have driving comments? Yeah, yeah.

Okay, read those. It's actually not a driving comment, but go on. Okay, I have a real test that I want to do with you. Sure. Because the driving thing's a hot button thing for both of us, I feel like. I'm about the driving experience, like being pleasant. Oh, sure, of course. And being, you know, expedient, as expedient as traffic allows.

Oh, that's a lie, but go on. And you are about jamming your car through traffic like a virgin on prom night. Like, oh, get, g-g-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h. I propose. And you've been saying I'm slow. You're slow. So, okay. So I propose that you and I have a race where we drive from one place to another through moderate traffic.

We time it there and back. And, and with us on the journey is like a hot chick. All right. All right? Then we time it. Just one? I'll fill my car up. Yeah, well, I would love it to be more than one, but I'm being.

realistic here. I think we could get one. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, I'd have to cram them in. It's not a coop, by the way, it's a sports car. Okay. Oh, of course, it's a sports car. Yeah, well, you can cram, you got a glove compartment in a trunk. And a trunk, I could cram them in. That's what I'm saying. I think that would be fun. You're on. Do you think that would be fun?

I could beat you on my bike. Yeah, but see, it's, we'll let the audience vote on it. All right. And the chick, it's all about her commentary, too. She's like our Simon Cowell. Okay. You know, if you make her have a heart attack, you lose. Oh, no, that's bullshit. Every chick has a heart attack with me. All right.

I got a comment. This one seems like a real name. It's Justin Honk-Conn Rodriguez. He says, you can only have a tasteful abortion if you use the right spices. Oh, that's good. I agree. That's funny. Because we were talking about the MPAA and how they were trying to ban abortions in film.

Okay, so, yeah, that's all the comments I have. Do you have any more? Nope. Let's get to the problems. So last time you had. Indignant drivers. Yeah. This time I have indignant co-hosts.

That's ridiculous. Me? I'm their biggest problem in the universe. Well, I'm not necessarily you, but any podcast who has a co-host who becomes indignant. So last time, your problem with indignant drivers. Let's recap. Here's what you said. Problem number one.

Indignant drivers. Not road rage. I don't know if that's the best way to say. say this, but not road rage. Yeah. Okay. So you... Is that what I sound like?

That is what you sound like. So you said... Like, someone said BJ from Goof Troop. And what was it? No, no. You said I sounded like PJ from Goof Troop. No, it wasn't me. It was an email.

I actually got that from a fan. So you got that from a fan and then you went on Twitter and reposted it as you? No, no. You shady fuck. Look, if I was trying to take credit for it, I wouldn't just come out and say, yeah, I got that from a fan. I said on Twitter, too. Someone said that you sound like PJ from Goof Troop.

And then what was the other one? Animaniacs? Yako. Yako, I'll cop too. I mean, I do sound like a yako. So that was the problem that you stated, right? You said, again, it was not, it was indignant drivers, not people who have road rage. Yeah.

Then you followed it up with this. All your dumb honking and your road rage is part of the problem. Oh. Yeah. That's curious. Yeah. But you specifically just said it wasn't road rage. Well, that wasn't the problem I was bringing in.

You know, these things evolve. We talk them out, and they evolve into new problems. Or devolves, as the case may be sometimes. Yeah, so then, as you're going on about indignant drivers, here's what an indignant co-host sound like. Road rage does not cause nearly as many accidents as either of those two problems, drunk driving and texting while driving. Road rage, by the way, and it's not road rage that I'm honking.

Maddox said honking shit's got to stop. It gives people, like you're going to give somebody a heart attack with the way you drive. I think so. really think that. Yeah, no, I know you do. I know you do. And it doesn't count if it's a girl. Because literally, every single girl I've ever, has ever been driven my car, even when I'm just pulling out of my driveway, I got criticized for driving recklessly while pulling out of my driveway. I'm like, what do you mean recklessly? I never get in wrecks. Well, but yeah, but driving recklessly doesn't mean you get in wrecks. It just means that you're

driving like you're out of control. No, I'm in complete control. And if I wasn't, I'd have more accidents. So what's your problem with, uh, it's not me? It's indignant co-hosts? Indignant co-hosts is the problem. Okay. Because so you were, yo... Wait, wait, wait, wait. Let me just ask you.

Just so you can prove that it's not me. Right. Can you name three indignant co-hosts in the world in general? Just because it's not me, right? No, no, no, not just you. Okay, so what's another indignant co-host? I'm going to write these down. Sure.

Okay, I'd say Tom from Bob and Tom. What's that? You'd have to look it up and don't because it's a lot of... So it's a made-up. No, no, there's a Bob and Tom radio show. It's a morning radio show. Okay. Tom from Bob and Tom.

Okay. You got any others? Yeah, they're used to, well, I'm a big fan of both these guys, and they're no longer do a radio show together, but it's the Don and Mike radio show. Don Geronimo used to be very, very indignant sometimes. You know, and I don't know, I can't think of anything out the top of my head. There's other co-hosts, but, you know, we're not, we're not just picking you out. Kathy Lee.

Regis and Kathy Lee. How about her? Oh, there you go. Yeah, Kathy Lee is very indignant. Okay, so you're saying I'm the Kathy Lee of this podcast. You are the Kathy Lee, right. Okay. Here's another one.

Two-thirds of traffic fatalities are caused by people like you. You're full of shit. Because you're going around honking being a distraction, dude. Yeah. Yeah. Did you ever check that stat, by the way? Yeah, I did check that stat. And it says it's not road rage.

It says 66% of traffic fatalities are caused by aggressive driving, which is bullshit. I looked up the actual statistic from the WHO, the World Health Organization. And, of course, it's distracted driving by far. and also according to the CDC, and also according to numerous other studies. This is bullshit safedriving.com or whatever, drive like a pussy.com website that you went to. Yeah. Has absolutely no factual information on it. No validity for you in your court.

So then, Ben, you followed up with this. I copied a test to see if you were a road rage. Yeah. So, dick. Am I a road rage? Yeah, you are. I blatantly proved it. I blatantly proved, is this being too indignant for you now?

Oh, you're absolutely indignant. You didn't prove anything. And also, you said at the beginning it wasn't road rage. You didn't have a problem with road rage. And then you spend the entire rest of your time trying to prove that I was a road rage. Look, I didn't know it was such a hot button issue with you. I was just talking about people who are acting like Audrey Hepburn on the road and shaking their heads and being so... You know what happened to me yesterday?

What? I was leaving my parking lot. They're filming... I live like in the middle of Hollywood. They're filming a big movie there. Like, I live in, like, a really nice-looking building. So it looks like a set. Sure.

I'm just saying this happens all the time. They always film movies on my street. And they're setting up like this gigantic crane in the parking lot. And I pull up and they've got like all their crap everywhere. All the grips are like working their asses off to try and put this thing together so they can get on the crane and get it up in the air. And I pull up and the guy comes over me like hat in hand already. Like oh my God, dude, I'm so sorry. You're going to have to wait like five minutes.

And I was like, dude, don't even worry about it. Like you got to, where am I going? Just put your thing together and take care of it. I don't care. So he goes back. This girl pulls up behind me. She stops her car. The car has barely stopped moving, and she is out in a huff, strutting up to my car and saying,

are they stopping you because of this? Did they stop you here because they're putting this crane together? And I was like, yeah, they're filming a movie. Like, it's going to be a couple minutes. What is your problem? That was my problem. Her indignance. At being inconvenienced for a moment.

Yeah. So you think she should be. a little bit calmer, right? Yes, I think she should calm down, moron. Yeah, and here's how you tell people to calm down. Who cares? Like, you can't just calm the fuck down when you're in your car? What's the problem with that?

You sound like a real calm person, dick. You sound like just tranquil. What do you want? NPR? At of me, okay? I get very, I think this is a healthy thing to do. I get, if something bothers me in the world, just bottle it up, and then eventually I just explode and spray poison everywhere. That's what, I think I read somewhere that you're supposed to do that. And messages of calm and tranquility.

You just explode on people like this. Relax. You have to wait a couple seconds for me to slow down and look for parking. Just calm down. All right. Tell me all about it, Dick. Tell me how to calm down as you yell at me. And by the way, Dick, maybe she had a problem because she has shit to do,

unlike some people. If you're sitting there with your dick in your hand, why leave? If you don't have any place to go, why leave the apartment? Why leave the house? Why don't you just, like,

sell your car and just stay home? There's no way she had stuff to do. I'm calmer than you are. Can we take a calm test? Calmer than you are, dude. Yeah, I'm calmer than you are. Let's take a... I don't know how you take a calm test.

I'm pretty sure you have to go to a doctor or something. But I bet I'm calmer than you. I'm a Zen master. You're a Zen masturbator. I am literally more calm than you right now and always. What would that be? A Zen masturbator? I would imagine somebody who meditates, right?

They're in the meditation pose. What's that? The lotus, whatever. And they get a boner, and then they are able to complete without touching it. That'd be a cool skill. It just kind of drizzles. All right. Disgusting.

Well, you ask. So it doesn't end there, Dick. It just goes on, okay? Because it's not just that. You're also indignant about certain problems. So, for example, here's some evidence that you brought in. Is this what I get? Is this the thanks I get for coming in here and doing a podcast with you?

Is this humiliating display of what a jerk I am all the time? Jesus Christ! The epitome of calm. Dick Masterson. So you brought in his counter evidence against my Coke problem. You said this was evidence. This was your slam-dug case against me. Twitter, R. Bankeye, says McDonald's Coke is better because they have contracts with Coca-Cola.

to do the calibration and the maintenance. So, all of your shit about McDonald's employees being just as worthless as Wendy's employees is null and void, sir. Yeah. Well, slam dunk. According to Twitter user, R. Banky. I can't argue with that.

Some guy on the internet said this, therefore it's a slam duck. Case closed. You know, I really just yearn for the day, back in the day, when you could get information from a guy and you could pass it on without some obnoxious fuck telling you

that you have to cite where you got this and pull up the study. It's like, look, a guy told me this. Yeah. He sounded like he knew what he was talking about. There you go. And if you explained to that, if you had a time machine, you went back in time, like, say, in the 50s or whatever,

and you said, look, a guy explained this to me on this thing called the internet. It's this abstraction that exists nowhere, and it's a series of characters that creates a username. and this person who represents a username supposedly has this fact. Do you think that guy would agree with anything you had to say, would believe anything you had to say? Maddo, does that sound like what I would do if I went back in time and had to explain myself?

Where did you hear about this, Dick? Some guy told me. What do you want? What do you want? The whole backstory of where I heard this, God. Well, it's a lie. Just go to a sock cop. Right.

And then you followed up with this. Wait, are you saying that Coke doesn't show up and calibrate the machines like R. Banke is saying? Yes. Are you? Are you calling that guy a liar? Dick, it's not a source. It's not a back. Get out your taser.

Because he's going to come looking for you. So then you just concluded this. Oh, you're just never going to give this up. You're so stubborn. I'm so stubborn. And yet, in the previous episode when we had the Coke test, this is what you said at the end of the test. We said every single flavor was different,

and now he's established that two of them were the same. We really look like huge ass. holes right now. Maddox? You really, you really fucking duped me. That doesn't mean you're... Yeah. That doesn't mean you're not stubborn, though. You got to, you pulled a good one on us. Sean, what do you want to say?

I say we won that test. Oh, me too. Me too. Hang on, for some reason Dick had his lips human centipated to Maddox's butthole that day, and I don't know why. What does that mean? What does that mean? I'm getting shit from you now, too? Hang on. I think you were really, really into the 100,000.

and downloads and you were in some kind of aspartame-induced hysteria or something. Like a Maddox hypnosis. Maybe. That's ridiculous. Look, did we or did we not, A&D contained the McDonald's, right? Did we or did we not pick A&D as the worst tasting thing? Our bias was trying to pick the best tasting soda. That's where we went wrong.

We readily identified the McDonald's soda as tasting like shit in both A and D. No, but you didn't simultaneously, Sean. You didn't simultaneously. At first, Dick said A. That's bullshit. I got the tape. I can pull it up right out. He's going to fucking play it next week about what jerks we are again.

It didn't. It didn't. I said A was bad and D was terrible because it was relative to C, which was the can, which I thought tasted good. John, you said something wrong. Hold on. You said where we fucked up was something. Where we fucked up was playing that stupid game that was rigged from the beginning. That's ridiculous.

What do you want to say, man? John, next week it's going to be indignant sound engineers. How about that? Fine. Fine. No, no, no, no, no, no. He's great. He's great.

All right, is that your problem? No, I'm not done. As much as I... You're not done? I'm not even done. This is another one. So, again, another example where I bring in a slam dunk case against you. Okay.

And then you just blow V8 and get flustered through it. Like, for example, the grocery store self-checkout lane. Here's what you said. It's the greatest system ever because there's one line and there's eight things. Okay. Slam dunk, Rourke. argument from dick. What do you mean? That's the good description of a checkout line, a self-checkout line. Sure, I guess. There's one line and eight things. But then I brought in this evidence.

Why? You can't buy alcohol at them. I know, I hate that. Yeah. So you have to stand in line anyway, and guess what? Now they have fewer cashiers because now they've replaced a bunch of them with fucking robots that don't work. Right. Okay, hold on. I feel like you're making a lot of sense right now. You got to slow down. Yeah. So, so there's that. And then I brought it, I brought the functionality into question, which you also agreed with. Okay. They're, please their functionality is in question. Yeah, it's right. And then I brought in the fact that you have to wait behind Midwest Housewives.

If you have to stand behind some Midwest Housewives who is using coupons, and then you didn't have a rebuttal for that. So I brought in all these cases, and then you still like stubbornly, you call me stubborn, and then you stubbornly stick to your guns. And it's not just you. There's a certain type of fan out there who also believes this bullshit, because I did the exact same thing. Who's on my side?

Yeah, he's on your side. A certain type of fan? Yeah. Okay. This guy on my fan on my Maddox page on not the Maddox fan. page, but my Maddox account, he commented on this. And I argued with him, he goes, yeah, Dick had a real good point with a self-checkout lanes. I'm like, what exactly was the point he made? Because I brought a slam dunk against you. My point was, fuck you. Leave my checkout lanes alone.

If you're too stupid to use them, that's your problem. Yeah. It's not that I'm too stupid. It's that they never work. If you're going to buy a packet of taco seasoning, God help you, because those scales won't register. And then you said, and then I brought in some stats, I brought in some stats. They're slower and they've done There's no way you have stats on this. There is no way. You are absolutely has stats. Absolutely no way.

And sure enough. After extensive research, Big Y has concluded that these self-checkout lanes not only do not save their customers' time, but they usually take them even more time to check out than customers in standard checkout lanes. Yeah, I remember this. Yeah. What is this a clip show? Is that what this is? Watchback clip show.

Anyway, Dick, that's my problem this week. Indignant co-hosts. Happy fucking. 10th show to me. I guess that's a mini anniversary, huh? Yeah. Yeah. All right, let's not get curly about that.

So can I do my problem now? Yeah, do you're next. Lady Thor. Lady Thor. So that's Marvel's new character. They rebranded Thor as a woman, right? Yeah, let's say new character. Okay.

So Marvel slapped tits on Thor, basically. And then put it out on the internet. And, Sean, you're laughing, so you know about this Lady Thor thing, right? Yeah, which is shocking because you don't know anything about comics or nerd shit at all. Yeah, you're shaking your head, no. That's shocking to me. Dude, this guy, this guy is like a ghost on Facebook. Yeah.

Actually, yeah, I don't even know if you are on. Are you on Facebook, Sean? Yeah, I'm on Facebook, but I don't really check it. Sometimes I see, you know, somebody commented on a photo I'm in or some shit like that or part of a conversation, but I haven't been on in years. That's respectable. So here's, you know, I thought about this lady Thor thing a lot. And I don't have a problem with women having characters. Sure. You know?

Very progressive of you. Yeah. I'm not just like an asshole. No. Like Alien with Sigourney Weaver was a better movie because the woman was in it. You know what I mean? I mean, it's hard to say because you never saw the movie with a man. No, it's not hard to say.

I know it is. All right, fine. She was great in the movie. Yeah. Yeah. Because like a woman is like their strengths are like protection, right? Right. And like they're just more vulnerable.

So you get this giant alien coming in, killing these big military. You know what I'm saying? Again, very progressive, dick. How is that not progressive? Because you're trying to compliment and simultaneously are insulting women. They're more vulnerable.

They're more vulnerable. Well, they're not... Are you fucking kidding me? They're not as physically strong as men. I'll give you that. But vulnerable? Like, what do you mean vulnerable? Yeah, but they're not like aggressive retards, too.

Like, if you see a guy with a gigantic gun, you think, oh, great. Okay, so this dummy is going to run in with an alien, like, shooting up the joint. Yeah. But then if you see like a chick in a space suit, like Sigourney Weaver, like, whoa, you know, what's going on here?

She's going to have to use her, she's not going to be like a boasting jackass. Exactly. I'm just explaining the movie. That's what they did in the movie. Dick, I can picture you as like some sleazy, like alien trying to pick up on her. Like, hey, whoa, hey, what's going on here? Like the same alien in the movie? Oh, yeah, the actual alien, yeah, with the tentacles and stuff.

Yeah, I bet some chicks would be into that. Yeah, you want a face hugger. I got two mouths. Oh, gross. Guess where the stuff? second one's going. I call it the reach around. Ooh.

You know, I thought, like, I thought the Tomb Raider was also great that there was a chick in that, because she's got to use your brain. Right? Okay. Okay? You would think, but, yeah. What? Is that wrong? Well, they don't, yeah, typically, like,

Tomb Raider, Laura Croft is not, like, a detective. She kind of, like, puts together clues in the video game and tries to solve puzzles. Yeah, okay. And then they make it, like, with Uncharted, that guy, Nathan Drake, or whatever the main character is that, and he's just a jackass.

Like, he's a one-liner jackass, right? So, better game with a chick in it. Yeah. But this lady Thor, I just, I feel like it's insulting to people that annoy. It annoys me when these people are insulted. And I don't know why I feel like this. It's the same thing when I see, like,

uh, like some cheesy new show on USA or something. And it's like, um, it's just like a cop and she's also. a woman. Yeah. You know? My sister said that. There was a commercial and she's like, oh, check out this show.

She's like, yeah, it's a cop and it's also a woman. And it's like, it's very insulting to a segment of women that I think don't deserve this kind of shit. Yeah, no, I'll agree with that actually. Yeah, sure. If they're trying to pitch it as some alternative, like progressive thing, like,

hey, we're taking this classic male trope and turning it upside down and making it a woman, that's not interesting. I don't care if the character, if the protagonist has tits in a vagina or a dick, I just don't care. And that extends to video games or cartoon characters or anything.

I care about interesting, compelling characters. That's it, period. So how exactly is this a problem with female Thor? What is the problem? I don't know. Do you think it's condescending? I do think it's very condescending. Like, it's condescending and you can't say anything

because you seem like an asshole. Like, I'm going to seem like an asshole. Like, there's people all day on Facebook saying, like how great this is and what a jerk you are if you don't think women deserve more representation in comics. This ain't representation in comics for women. Right. Well, first of all, there's already been a female Thor.

Came out in 2000. I forget the name of it. It's like Thor, Thoris or something like that. There was a female Thor character, and she looked actually even cooler than the one they have now. So this is kind of a ploy that Marvel has done from time to time.

There's actually, Thor has also been a frog. I saw that. What's that? I saw that. Yeah, yeah. Thor has been a frog. Thor has been a dinosaur. or what's his name, Beta Ray or whatever is the name of the guy. Thor has been, basically...

That was his name? Yeah. Not like Thoranosaurus? No. Or Tyrannosaurus? Oh, there you know, that's a cool name. Yeah. Tri thoratops.

Stegoth... Oh, I guess that's just saying Thoris. Stegothoris. Yeah. Yeah. What's another one? Thormetradodon. Thoradactyl.

Thoradactyl. But what are you saying? So, Thor, yeah, Thor has been a number of different characters. This is a non-issue to people who are outraged by it. And also, I've talked to Marvel. Actually, somebody from Marvel contacted me a long time ago, and they asked me to pitch them a bunch of comics. And what they were looking to specifically replicate

is the success they had with, I think, the Sundance Kid or Sundown Kid. It's this comic that they reintroduced back in 2000, 2001, something like that, where they took this old classic character from 50s and 60s, Marvel, when they were doing pulp-style magazines and stuff. And, yeah, so they took this character. and he was like a cowboy or something like that, and they made him gay, and he was the first... Right.

So they brought you, they said, who's the gayest guy on the internet? We've got to get him in here to write this. I'm seriously asking. No, that's not what they asked me to write, Dickhead. They were giving that as an example of something they're trying to replicate because it was really successful.

It was very controversial because, oh, God forbid, a fictional character, be gay. And so that was what they're trying to replicate. They wanted that kind of controversy in these characters. So they were looking to make characters gay or transgendered or flip a character who's traditionally male

and traditionally female, et cetera, et cetera. So that's what they're doing right now. Marvel's doing this drama publicity and controversy. That's why they also came out, I don't know if you saw this, but they just came out with news that the new Captain America is going to be black. Yeah, I mean, so why is it news then, Marvel?

It's not really. We also have a black president, Marvel. Yeah, get with the times. People are white and people are black. It's not news. That's on you guys. It's not a big deal. Nobody really cares.

That's right. Dick is being real sassy right now. They also had an Indian Spider-Man, I believe. In India, they had an Indian Spider-Man, which I, again, don't have a problem with. I don't see why it matters. Like in India? Yeah, in India, they have a representative superhero. What's wrong with that?

Yeah, I mean, all right. It's a fictional character who cares about any of this stuff. Yeah, but the Thor, there's all this outrage about her being a woman. First of all, I didn't even know. know Thor was a man. Thor is like the most boring. Even his name rhymes with bore. Thor You know I agree with you on that too. My dad

is a huge Thor fan and when he told me that I was like, what the fuck? I wanted to get inside his mind to just go, why? Like what about Thor is compelling to you? Because he seems like, he seems very two-dimensional to me. He is. He's a meat headed moron. In all the comics too, he's always a moron. He's just kind of like

this dumb jock character. And that's the last place I want a woman to be. You know, you don't I'm saying? You know what's going to piss me off is they're going to make her intelligent. I guarantee they're going to make her intelligent. I have never seen a girl on any kind of sitcom or TV show or anything like that who's

dumb as, who is as dumb as Homer or Peter Griffin. Why don't you show me a big, fat, slovenly woman who's a moron and who sticks cranes up her nose and doesn't realize it? Star Jones. How about that character? I wish that was a character. She's stupider than Homer Simpson. She's dumber in a brick,

but that doesn't count. I would love to see they make a dumb Thor character. who's also a woman. Because they're going to smart her up. They always do. You can't have dumb. They're going to smart her up. Yeah.

Oh, she's going to be smart and elegant and noble. She's not going to be a meatheaded jock. What's the equivalent? A sorority girl who just goes around, just, you know, partying it up, sleeping around. If they made, so Thor. If they made a chick, like a chick analog to Thor? Exactly. Like the dumbness and the, like the meatheaded mentality.

Thor is a frat guy meathead superhero. Yeah, what is the female version of that? Which is just like a, just a sorority girl, right? Just kind of bubbly and dumb? Like, is that what it is? Because Thor is a dumb character. Well, he's using, like, traditionally, he's, like, an exaggeration of masculine strengths, right? I guess.

Like, characteristic. Sure, sure. So I think, like, the girl version of that is just, like, very promiscuous. Or someone who uses a lot of feminine wiles in all situations, like, aggressively sexual? Is that? You know, if you want to stay true to the stereotypes and true. to the trope of Thor, which, you're right, Thor is masculine stereotypes, right?

So let's go ahead and make her female stereotypes. Well, which is Loki. In the, like, the original, is this, this might be boring, but in the original, like, folklore, Loki changes into a chick, like, not infrequently. That's what I'd be doing. Excuse me? If I was Loki, I'd just turn into a chick sometimes.

Why not? Hey. Yeah. I just look at myself in the mirror. What's going on? Okay. It's going on, Maddo. Maddie locks.

Would you bang other chicks then? Of course, yeah. I'm still straight. Do you think it would be easier if you were a chick to like rope by curious girls? You know, I'm not sure. I just read this thing on a fan's wall recently. You know, she sounds like she was straight. She was at a playground or something hanging out and some girl came up and started harassing her and stalking her.

And she just wasn't interested. And she said it was very uncomfortable. But I've also seen the opposite happen where two lesbian girls, like if they meet in kind of an environment where it's a lesbian club or something like that, they are very aggressive with each other. I've seen it. They're very graby and they do things that guys can't get away with. Whoa. Yeah, I've seen that happen. So if I were a lesbian, Thor, who am I again?

Loki. No, you said Madi Lox was your name. Did you? Did he? Did he say Maddox? Yeah, Madi Lox is the female Maddox, yeah. I would love to see you write, like, with a female. I had written down here, like a reboot of Maddox as a woman.

As a woman, did you really? I would love to hear the female version of the Maddox voice. Yeah, you're hearing it. Nothing's changed. Yeah, well, that's why it annoyed me. That's why it was such a big problem to me. Okay, okay. Did you see this girl who won the American Ninja?

Yeah. Challenge? She's a badass. Amazing, right? Five foot nothing? Super hot. Yeah, she's great. Yeah.

You think she's enjoying, This chick Thor reboot? No. No. But she doesn't, she hasn't read a comic. She doesn't look like the type of person who would be really into comics. She's very athletic. And I know these are stereotypes.

Right? These are all stereotypes. But that's all we have to go off of. Some stereotypes are true for a reason. Generally, people who are super athletic spend hours in the gym and hours exercising and they have time for little else. That's what they spend their time doing. It's also like people who say they like classical music.

And then I ask them what they like to listen to. The good ones. They say, the good ones. But, you know, Mozart and Beethoven, and that's it. And that's, you know, the classical top 40. If you don't spend any time listening to classical in a week, in a given week, you don't listen to classical music. Just cop to it. You don't have to come across to some pseudo-intellect who listens to classical music.

Likewise, you know, reading comics or anything it is that you do. This is Maddox sliding in that he listens to classical music, like a real in a life. Oh, it's no secret. Yeah. All right. That's why I just, I feel like it's shitting on the wrong people. And I think I'm pretty good at shitting on the right people. Yeah.

You know? Mm-hmm. You know. What did the right people being? I'll just like, like, when I went on Dr. Phil, I was like, everyone, everyone who watches, who likes this show is going to be pissed off because I'm on here being a jackass. Yeah. And I love it. Like, I just love it.

And I feel like this shit's on my people and it pisses me off. Yeah. Oh, fair enough. Your people being who? Comic book readers? I don't know. Whatever. anyone else who's pissed off by this stupid thing

by this stupid lady Thor thing okay uh let's get to my next my next problem is that is that only having on Thor? All right so my next problem is drones and I want to say this I want to come out right up front and say that you should always shoot drones

okay always shoot down drones military drones too uh yeah yeah if you ever see a military drone and you're not in America If you're outside America, you're going to want to shoot it. And if you're inside America, you're definitely going to want to shoot it.

Always shoot drones. Oh, that's true. Wow, I said that to be a smart ass, but I, uh, here I agree with you. Okay. Sharp as attack, I am. So drones, drones are a problem. Here's what's going on with drones. I don't know if you've been keeping up on drone tech.

But there's a company that made, this is from time.com. It's a link to a CNN money video. They made a drone that actually fires high-voltage taser charges at people. Wait, who did? Some company did. Oh. I believe it's called the Cupid. Here's the clip.

This is from Time.com, and they were linking to CNN. Here it is. So we're about to do a live demonstration here at South by Southwest of our Project Cupid, which is our chaotic, unmanned personal intercept drone. Does that mean the drone is going to stun this guy behind us? That's exactly what's going to happen. It's going to stun him with about 80,000 volts. Can I...

How annoying is that shit when they make the name of the robot, like so the acronym is some cute-ass name of what the thing is? That is annoying. The Cupid. And then some jerk sat there and spelt it all out, so it says Cupid. Oh, and you know, it's like a Cupid because it shoots an arrow and it's a dart that shocks you. Like, what is it? How does that translate to the metaphor?

Zeus should have been the name. You jerks. Zeus! Yeah. That's a great fucking name because it shoots lightning. Yeah. Yeah. That's a perfect name.

Holy shit. But they probably, how do you do a thing with Z-E-U-S? Unmanned. Unman surveillance could be the end. Yeah. Zero. Zero. What's E?

Zero engagement Unman surveillance There you Yes, okay Nailed it Zeus Fucking idiots Cupid

It's not shooting love It's shooting death So they did that 80,000 volts this thing And this thing Shoots this dart That looks like It looks like a bullet

And it stabs you in the back This thing must have went Like Must have gone a few centimeters Into this guy's skin Into a spinal column And knocked him on his feet Whoa.

Office feed. Immediately. Yeah, knocked him off his feet immediately. This was insane, how powerful this thing was. So this is coming, by the way. Police are interested in this. The Department of Defense is interested in this. And these guys, these chicken shits who made this drone, this killing machine,

they came out and they said, well, you know, we're just trying to raise awareness about what drones can do. Because, you know, hopefully people will use drones to deliver emergency aid and, you know, rescue services. Oh, really? Dickhead, then why didn't you create a drone to deliver emergency eugene? aid and rescue children. Yeah, it could do both. Can I just say real fast, my position on this is that I love drones and I think they're awesome.

Just so you know what you're I mean, just so you know what you're pitching against. Yeah. Right? Yeah. No, no, I mean, that's fine. I understand that you're part of the problem, Dick. Okay. These are going to be surveying us in the near future. We're already being surveilled all the time.

Yeah, but in that Deng Snowden stuff, prove that? Of course we're being surveilled. I don't care. Like, listening to in on my phone call conversations and checking my web stream, in case I type in the word, I don't know, Risen attack, or how to create anthrax or something like that. Wow, you know those really fast. Oops. Actually, no joke, I did search that today.

You know, for research. Research on one. Because that girl who sent Risen to Obama got arrested. Oh, my God. Somebody did that? Yeah, someone did that. She was a former actress from The Walking Dead. I think she was an extra or something.

Whoa. She and her husband, these insane gun nuts who were just so paranoid that Obama was going to come take their guns that she made ricin and sent it in an envelope to Obama. Wow. And then I was talking to my friend. I don't think that's going to fix anything, though. No, of course not. It's not a good plan.

What are you going to do? And it's ricin. It takes days to kill you. So, it's a dumb ass. So anyway, she sent this ricin to Obama. Got arrested. That's where I was researching. I am sure I'm in some database right now.

The NSA, anyone listening to this podcast probably is if they do any kind of voice. analysis and they find that we were saying anthrax and ricin on this podcast. That's different than having a fucking predator, a little helicopter drone chasing you around with a taser on it, which by the way might malfunction, shoot you in the eyes. Tasers aren't meant to be shot in your eyes. It can make you go blind. Well, uh, it's coming. Of course it's coming. And you know what? Even worse than that is coming. There's a company in South Africa that has produced a drone. Listen to this guy.

The machine has been branded the scug for its relation. Of course, to a skunk's spraying capacity as eight electric motors with propellers that can lift and carry 4,000 pepper spray balls or other non-lethal ammunition. 4,000 pepper spray balls. Now, listen to how fast this thing can shoot.

Listen to this. The device is equipped with four barrels firing up to 20 balls per second each, which could equate to 80 pepper spray balls per second. 80 pepper balls. Pepper balls. Per second. Pepper balls.

You know that chick was thinking about, like, balls. Oh yeah. That's what I got between my legs, pepper balls. Yeah, listen to this. It's also fitted with strobe lights, blinding lasers,

and onboard speakers. Sounds like an awesome show. To the crowds. Yeah. Strobe lights. Blinding lasers, it can shoot 40,000, it has 4,000 rounds

of pepper balls. So I did the math that's at 80 rounds per second. That means 50 seconds of continuous rapid fire attacks. Yeah. Almost a solid minute of nonstop 80 rounds per second.

Okay, but you're bitching about like military technology, but everything that they make always ends up being something else cool. This is not military technology. They're selling this to private companies. There's a mining company in Africa that bought these so they can control any kind of

worker unrest or if they're going to have a protest or anything like that, they have these. And they're also deploying these now with not just pepper spray balls, but with UV-coded paintballs so that they can tag protesters. Even after the fact, if you were at a protest, they'll tag you, they'll hunt you down, they'll find you with UV lights, and they'll arrest you. This is in Africa?

This is going to be everywhere. They're making these drones everywhere. So, again, always shoot drones. I don't know, man. I think that the arms race that you're talking about is good, because it's like a good incentive to get better, cooler stuff. You know, get the drones up there, fine. But then all the other guys will take that and make other, like, good guy drones, like drones that deliver groceries. And drones, did you hear about the drones that deliver beer?

No, where's this? It's like in an ice fishing place. I think like up in the north, up in Alaska or Canada somewhere. These guys have a drone that will fly you beer out to your ice shack. That's pretty cool, man. It's pretty cool. But guess what? What if someone malfunctioned?

Someone screwed up their job, which you don't believe in humans to even be able to run a check stand correctly. Yeah, definitely not. If somebody malfunctions and sends a drone to you that shoots a taser in your eyes, guess what? You didn't get beer. You got blind. I mean, that would be a pretty lousy customer experience. I just think the likelihood of that happening when I'm ordering beer at 1.30 in the morning is pretty low. The likelihood that I'm going to get tased in my eyeballs from the wrong drone is very low.

It's very low. Versus the likelihood of me getting tased in the eyes and going blind when I go to a liquor store is zero. I just walk in, buy my beer and walk out. I don't have to worry about a malfunctioning drone that might shoot me in the eyes. Why are you so worried about drones? Is it because of like military power? No, because of police. Police are already corrupt.

Police are already abusing their powers. The next thing they're going to have is drones flying around everywhere with tasers and control mechanisms and pepper sprays. It's going to make people more afraid rubber bullets. And these drones aren't accurate. They can be knocked down with a t-shirt or wind blows and it throws it off its coordinate. And then the cops are going to have no accountability. They're going to say, well, it malfunctioned. What can we do?

Sue the contractor. And the contractor is going to say, oh, sorry, we signed a non-whatever contract. We changed our name. Yeah, of course. We're different guys now. Of course, we went bankrupt now. You're not, what you're saying isn't crazy. I was looking at like, I love drones.

I really do. And I was looking at the long distance flying drones, like how hard it would be to slap a GPS on one and carry weed across the border. Just like to see what's going on. I'm sure that's coming too. Yeah. And I found out that the companies making these things are not allowed to sell the version with GPS.

to consumers. They're LEO only. Okay. Their law enforcement is, I don't know if it's officers or officials only. Yeah, well, how long before some drug cartels

gives someone a boatload of cash and says, hey, fit this with GPS and here we go, now you have to worry about drones. And by the way, just to stop you for a second, my email is on the Who page, if any drug cartels are listening. But they already do that.

They have submarines that are self-piloting submarines that go around the border. Of course, but submarines are limited to see, access only. This is going to be a game changer in the drug wars. This is going to be a game changer in so many things, so many applications that are bad. And there are only a few applications that are good. There's that stupid bullshit video where someone flew a drone through some fireworks, which everyone's

like, oh, it's so amazing. I'm so glad this technology exists. I got bored, I don't know, 30 seconds into this thing. I get it. I've seen, it looks like a screensaver. Yeah, it does. Except worse, right? It looks like a screensaver except worse. It's kind of blurry looking, and I don't really need to see fireworks up that close. It's not, that interesting. Yeah, I'm really on board with you about not letting cops have technology. Yeah, because they're going to abuse it every chance they get. And by the way, there's already police helicopters flying around 24-7. Showing off. Showing off. That's all they do. Yeah. Yeah. Because they have it and they bring their friends and family aboard and they buzz

your house and they buzz the towers and everything they want. They just fuck around and waste taxpayer money. Next thing, it's going to be drones. They're going to be looking through your back window. They're going to be sneaking off, flying off. Oh, sorry. And every time they get caught, They have all the lack of culpability in the world by simply saying it was a malfunction. So is that the future? Is it going to be like cop drones flying around and then like anonymous like e-bombs world drones just flying up and taking them out? Because you can't, how do you trace a drone back? To its location? Yeah.

To like the resistance fighters. Pretty much. Yeah. You would have to. You could create drones. So that's why we need turrets, auto tracking turrets, which isn't that hard. There's libraries. There's open source libraries. that track motion in the sky and they just shoot down drones. Slow down. You're really building a dystopia

in our backyards with this turret shit. Well, I'm not done. I have the full 20-point plan. Yeah, what would your future be? Is it really coughs with drones and then everybody has like homebrewed turrets that they printed out on 3D printers with Linux and open source software

and they're shooting down drones? Basically, we're getting to that point and I don't care if it's more convenient for Amazon to ship stuff for me. It's not worth what I'm giving up in freedom. What I'm giving up in freedom is the ability to go unrestrained around Earth without having some fucking drone malfunction and shoot me in the back of the head or in the eyes or some bullshit like that.

These pepper spray, 4,000 rounds of pepper spray at 80 rounds a second. Are you insane? Is that like to disperse like when Egypt had that big rebellion? Is that for stuff like that? Like they just pop up a couple drones and they're done with it? Yeah, it's going to be. It's going to be. And it's not just going to be, they could probably disperse a crowd of 100,000 people with four or five of these drones.

If they had four cannons firing 80, 20 rounds per second or 80 total rounds per second, shooting pepper spray everywhere. I'll tell you what, I'm excited about it. Look, I'm excited about the way the world's going to change. It's going to get a lot more interesting. There's more power in fewer people's hands on both sides. It will be fun. It will be.

But that's why I say, always shoot drones. Don't forget, always shoot drones. Can I go now? What's your nephew? Yeah. Okay. Priests. Priests.

Yeah, I want to lighten things up here. We're getting kind of heavy. Yeah, let's get into some light territory. The Pope said this week, or last week or whatever, that 2% of priests are child molesters. 2%. Yeah, let me read you this quote. I actually wrote down a quote, which I never do. Many of my collaborators who fight with me against pedophilia reassure me with reliable,

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, that it's about 2% that he was quoted saying. Francis, that's the guy, right? Yeah. Yeah. So 2%, right? Right. When you hear that 2% of priests are pedophiles, what do you think? Do you think that is high, or do you think that is low? I think that's about right. Okay. Do you think it should be more or less? I think that's about right, and neither more nor less. No, no, no, no. Do you think it should? Oh, it should be less. It should be zero. Okay. Thank you. That's all, I just wanted to get your initial gut reaction. Here's what this jackass pope says. this data should hearten me. Okay.

That's his response. But I have to tell you that it does not hearten me at all. No shit, jackass. In fact, I think it's very grave. It should hearten me. Well, I think what he's trying to say is that most people thought it might be higher. Most people might have thought it might have been in the 50% range or 40% range or whatever. It's a small percentage of the pre-south.

And that is sick on its own. Well, that people think that the conception is that it's higher than 2%. Right, because all you hear about in the news is priests abuse scandals. So that's probably why people have this perception that priests are all pedophiles. 2% is a huge, huge number. Is it? Yes. Can you imagine if, okay, let's say I had like a jar of gummy bears here,

and I told you that 2% of them would molest you. Yeah. Would you eat them? No. No. Of course not. A huge number. 2%.

Imagine going to the Super Bowl, and I told you, okay, 2% of guys in here are going to molest you. There's a 2% chance that every guy here in this 100,000 or 50,000 people crowd, stadium, are going to, when you're at the urinal, reach back and stick a thumb up your ass when you don't expect it. I don't know about that. Because then I got my guns with me. I can elbow them. I'll be watching. Okay, but do you see what I'm saying?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a shitload of people. Two percent is... So what's the number... What I'm asking is, what is the number where the Pope would have come out and said, uh, you know, that's fine. Like if two percent should hearten him...

Right. What was the number that was decent? Like, if it had come back at one percent, is that low enough? No, no, I, again, I think that he had... Everybody had this perception that the number of priests who molest kids is high, astronomical, but it's not. I think two percent.

That is fucking astronomical. Okay, Dick. But what is it in relation to the rest of the population? How many pedophiles do you think are going out, going around molesting kids right now, just in the standard population? Just forget about priests. I looked. I couldn't find any. Okay. Well, I did find some interesting stuff that said like serial killers and pedophiles are like the same. But nothing that, there's nothing that helped me. Okay, but there are pedophiles out there. People get busted for, you know, child porn and being attracted to kids all the time. What do you think the number is? I think it's probably around 2%. That's why I think this 2% number is not...

Yeah, probably 2%. That doesn't sound too outrageous. As a percentage of the population that has this... I don't even know if it's a disorder or what it is, but they have this compulsion towards molesting kids. It's got to be a low percentage. I really think that 2% is astronomically high. I think if you look at a normal population

that is not priest-based, that doesn't spend a majority of their time having an imaginary friend. Right. It's way, way lower than 2%. Like in the point 0-0-0, it's like a huge disease, I think. Well, that's absolute speculation. Yeah. You have no stats.

Who cares? I got stats for you. You have no stats on this. Of course, what do you mean? This is your entire argument. If you're trying to make the case that 2% is astronomical, which, by the way, any percent is astronomical, in an ideal world, we would have no pedophiles.

But they exist. Is it unusual? Is 2% unusual amongst priests, or is it in line with any other population? That's an important statistic. That's what I'm asking you. I don't know. If 2% of the time that cops pulled you over to use your drone,

if 2% of the drones shot that electric zapper up your ass, I would think that would be a huge friggin problem. Yeah. Right? Yeah, yeah, it would be. It would be. So what exactly is your problem? So the failure rate of priests is 2% and his attitude is like, well, you know, we're going to give it a shot, basically.

We realize that it's severe. We feel like this is kind of good news because it's not as high as we thought, but we're going to give it the old college try and try to fix this. No, but that's not the full quote. He also came out and said, for the first time a pope has actually taken culpability for priests who have molested and sexually. abused kids. This pro-culpability by the way, meaning said words and not giving away any of their trillion dollar empire. Oh no, there have been a lot of settlements, especially in America. Not nearly enough. Not nearly enough. I agree. This is a heinous, heinous crime. But he did also follow up with it's a, what did you say? It's grave. How did he say, how exactly? Yeah, yeah, he said it was grave,

but I just, I think it's bullshit. I mean, I think like that's, if that's, that's a response to two, to one out of 50 of your guys are a friggin pedophile. Your response is, it's grave. Is it one out of 50? Is that what the number is? Yeah. Well, how many priests are there? You're a math major, you tell me. One in 50.

Okay. I mean, right? Sure. Yeah, one in 50. So you fill a bus up with priests. Yeah. And one of them is a friggin pedophile? But I feel like if you go up and down just a neighborhood and just get 50 neighbors, 50 of your neighbors, probably one of them is a little weird.

Weird. Pedophile. That's what I'm talking about is a pedophile. Yeah, probably pokes a kid or two. Or he's probably into some child porn. Like, there are weirdos out there. That's why. people are so deathly afraid of taking their kids or letting their kids go to strangers' houses and they don't want.

And by the way, I feel like this fear is misplaced. Because in the 60s and 70s, the rule was if you were lost as a child, go find an adult, go find a stranger, and they'll help you. Whereas today, if you're lost, go to a police station or something or go to a pay phone or find a phone. Don't go to an adult. Don't go to a stranger. Don't talk to strangers because there's this absolute fear that everybody's a pedophile. where I genuinely believe that number is probably pretty low. Have you known any pedophiles?

Have you known anyone who's ever gotten busted for pedophilia? No. So I have. And I know a lot of people. So that's 0% for me. Well, that you know of that they've been busted. I do. I actually do this kid.

Well, I can't. I mean, there's no evidence that he's actually done anything. However, there are these... But we're not saying his name anyway. Yeah. Yeah. Sure. So there were, there are these groups that go around and try to set up sting operations

to catch people who are looking for. child porn and looking to hook up with with underage uh you know adolescence and online online like one of those guys uh yeah and this was this was this was in utah and this company set up a sting operation they they set up this uh this account there was a 13 year old girl talking to this guy who was 22 23 years old yeah and they she she should come by my house i'll bring condoms very much like to catch a predator right and when this guy did uh he got spooked and the police to chase him down, but he got away, and then he left the state, went to New Mexico or something like that.

He had a wife and kids and all this other shit. So this guy's a creep. He was an absolute creep. However, of all the people I've met in the world that I know of, it was one out of thousands. So I think that number is probably pretty low. So he got knocked by them? Yeah, yeah, no, no, yeah. That's exactly what I'm saying?

One out of thousands. So what is that? That's a .0.0.1? Right, but that's my own personal experience. Again, unless we have the statistic. of weirdos and scumbags. Yeah. You know?

Actually, no, I do know someone who did get arrested, one of my old teachers. Whoa, for being a pedophile? Yeah, this happens with teachers all the time, especially women teachers. There's that girl, that lady teacher, actually, she...

Debel a fave. Well, she was one of them, yeah, and she ended up marrying the student she had sex with. But just recently in the news, there was another lady, I think, up north in Washington. She had sex with two 18-year-old students,

and she still got arrested. She brought them to her house, gave them beer, and still got arrested. or delinquency of a minor or whatever because if you're still in school they just pass a law. If the student's still in school,

it's still illegal, still against law. What'd she look like? Probably a solid six. Six and a half. That's sad. Hot enough, you know, hot enough for a teacher fantasy just so you can grow up and say,

yeah, I bang the teacher. I mean, that's not worth it though. No, of course not. I think. Not for me. And that poor kid that married, would you say the other one, Debril Lefebvre?

Yeah. She got married to that? I think so. Yeah. I mean, he's in for a real bad surprise in like 10 years. years when she falls apart. That's too bad.

Well, but that's not the important statistic. Again, what we're talking about is... We were talking about, so you're saying that there's a lot of pedophile teachers and a lot of pedophile priests. But those are the ones that we hear of because they're around kids and it's easily... I think that's part of the problem, man. Like, I can't see... I can't see 2% and think, so what are you?

2% are you getting in there to get access to kids? Possibly. Is it teachers? Is it Boy Scout leaders? Girl Scout leaders? Is it preschool teachers? Well, those are parents. Those are usually parents.

Yeah, and some of them screw around with kids, and they get busted. Those are the ones that you hear about. Like, you never hear about the priests who don't get busted. You never hear about news from Mexico when there isn't a drug killing or something like that. You only hear the negative news. But you also never hear about them actually cracking down on it. Like, what did this jackass say? Well, the Pope.

He's going to, he pledged to use the rod to fight evil inside the church. The rod. What the fuck does that make? What does that mean? Yeah. Yeah. It's just a bunch of bullshit. It's all, what he should have said was, okay, 2%.

You know what we're going to do? We're going to lock all the priests in the Vatican. Right. And I'm going to say, tomorrow I'm going to come back, and there better be 0% pedophiles, or I'm burning the whole fucking building down. That's what I wanted to hear. Yeah, well, there have been cover-ups in the church. That actually did come out that there have been cover-ups.

but as far as I don't know I don't know if this 2% number is astronomical and some actually I'm reading now on the LA Times an interview that credits Pope Francis is saying about 2% of Roman Catholic clerics or pedophiles stirred controversy Sunday as the Vatican sought to raise questions

about the article's accuracy and others called on the Pope to take more action on the issue the remarks reported in the Italian newspaper La Republica came a week after the Pope asked for forgiveness in the first meeting with victims of the clerical sexual abuse Immediately with the forgiveness.

Well, that's what he's... I mean, Jesus Christ, man. Like, well, are you a person or a what? Are you some kind of weird mutant? Do you not understand what's happening here? Yeah. Well, I mean, what else? Like, what would be the appropriate response other than just...

If you're already covering up child abuse, cover up a murder. It's a lesser crime. Just do it. Sack up, Padre, and get rid of these fuckers. That's all I'm saying. That's all I'm saying. Yeah, it's a shitty thing, man. I guess it's a problem I actually care about.

We finally found, you know, what do you read? So it says here, Lombardi did not rebut any assertion Francis was said to have made, but raised questions about the lack of closing quotation marks at the end of the paragraphs that included the 2% figure. A lapse of memory or an explicit acknowledgement of the NAF reader is being manipulated, he asked. So what's the number then? I don't know. No, that's my question for that guy. So what is it then?

What's the okay? So that number was, he obviously felt that number was too high. Oh, well, here's the number. Obviously felt that number should have been fudged, and they should have just said, oh, you know, we're looking into it. See, this motherfucker right here. That's exactly what I'm talking about. Well, so here's what it says, according to the LA Times. It says, a United Nations hearing this year, the Vatican said that it had defrocked 848 priests over the last decade and ordered 2,572 to live a life of prayer and penance because of the abuse allegations.

There are about 414,000 Roman Catholic priests worldwide, according to the BBC. If 2% are pedophiles, that would be more than 8,000. That's a lot of pedophiles. That's a decent amount, yeah. 8,000. Yeah. I mean, you could have like a pedophile city of just those guys. So he says here, though, in the meeting last week,

the victims of clerical sexual abuse, Francis pledged that the bishops who covered up such abuse of minors would be held accountable. So whether or not he comes through and actually does something about it, I mean, it's fucking high time. This is bullshit and this has gone on way too long. They're never going to do shit about it. You know what? They don't care.

And people who go to church and give money to church also don't fucking care. No, that's not true. People are outraged by this. Why are they given money to it then? Well, because your hope is that if it is 2%, it's not, it's obviously some errant problem. I mean, even in any organization, you're going to have people who do cocaine, who break the law, who are pedophiles, who have sexual deviancy. This is not an organization. It's a religion. Right. There's a difference. They get tax breaks because shit like this isn't supposed to happen. Cut off the money, this problem will go away real fast. That's all I'm saying. You think that pedophiles are, this is a safe harbor because they get tax. tax breaks? No, no, no, no, no. I'm saying that you expect, it's not just an organization,

you expect more out of religion. You have to because they have tax breaks. Like, they're treated differently as a legal entity, so we should expect different results from them. Yeah, I guess. You know, so you're saying there should be... They're giving corporate speak here. Right. Well, if they give more accountability to the... Like, if there was more government oversight, is that what you're saying that they should have? Well, I know you're not in favor of any government oversight. Well, I do think they should be treated like a corporation. I don't think they should get any kind of tax. breaks.

So if a corporation, if a corporation had employees that they found abused kids, what is the correct response? A massive lawsuit, immediately fire the people, they go straight to jail. Right. Or a trial, whatever, legal system. Right, right. And then an enormous lawsuit. Okay.

Is there any of that stuff happening here? No. There have been settlements, yeah, there have been. All the legal stuff that I said, no. Well, I don't know. I mean, I don't, this is, you're putting me on the spot. I don't have the evidence. Oh, I'm telling you, no.

There have been, like I've read, there have been huge settlements with some of these cases. They switch, yes, of course there have. Not enough. Not enough. And it doesn't justify any of this. A corporation would never get away with this. That's what I'm saying.

Yeah. Because if you knew, if you came out as a corporate, like if Microsoft, if fuck, was it Steve Vollmer, he quit now. If Tim Cook came out tomorrow and said, you know, two percent of Apple store employees are pedophiles, we think. Do you have any idea what the FBI would say?

They would say, who, who are there? Give us who they are right now so we can investigate them. Why do you think that? But Pope, nope, say whatever you want. Say whatever you want about pedophiles. Nothing happens to you. Money keeps rolling on in. Well, if that was an estimate, then, you know, you can't pin much to it.

He said he had credible evidence. Like, he says specifically that he had credible evidence for it, I believe. Well, so it said according to LA Times, again, 414,000 priests worldwide. And if 2% of them are pedophiles, that's about 8,000. They have acknowledged finding about. He said reliable statistics. He said he has reliable statistics on it. Is that what it says?

Yeah, so let's go. No, no, no, I wrote them. So let's go. Hand it over to Interpol. Because you guys obviously don't know the fuck you're doing. You know how to throw a good wedding. And look at your sculptures all day. But if you're going to be investigating pedophiles,

turn it over the authorities. I agree with that. They should. If they do have credible information, if they have... And by the way, they should investigate every fucking allegation no matter how small. and get to the bottom of it. That's absolutely bullshit that this has gone on for so long.

But at least he's one of the first popes. I think he's the first pope who's ever come out to even acknowledge it and try to say that we're trying to solve this problem. That means absolutely zero to me. Yeah. Well, it is a pretty big problem. I'll give you that. Hey, but you know, what's the, what was the other problem?

What's the biggest problem in the universe right now? Do you know? The current biggest problem in the universe is people who can't eat spicy food. So, okay, so I got to say, if you're voting, if you're voting, you know, look in your heart and see if priests molesting kids is a worse problem than people who can't eat spicy foods. Okay. Well, you know what, we need to, we need to, you do this tricky dick. Tricky dick does this. We need to name the problem priests who molest kids.

No, no, no, no. I don't think it's the pedophiles that are the problem because that's what they do. It's the priests who let it happen. It's all, it's this whole enclave of scumbags that allow this to happen. That's why I really think the problem is. Yeah, but it's not specific to any particular religion. Lots of different religions have priests. Are you talking specifically about Catholic priests?

Because there's pedophilia and Mormon religion. I know they're pedophiles caught in Jewish religions. They're pedophists. They call them something different, like deacons and stuff like that. Yeah, I guess. Priests is Catholic. Like other religions have a different name, you motherfucker. You try to trick me up there.

I see what you're doing. No, no, they do. You know, they have priests in all sorts of different religions. No, I really, it's the whole thing, this priest. You can be a priest who is also not in any particular denomination. No, no, no, no. You have to be Catholic. No, you can be an ordained, like an ordained minister.

What's the difference? It's called, the name is the difference. The name is describing a different thing. That's what makes it different. Yeah, well, I don't know, man. I don't know that you've made the case that priests are wholesale defending pedophiles. Well, they're not doing anything about it. That's not true. That's not true.

And they're not doing enough. Okay, if you want to make that case that they're not doing enough, sure. To have any kind of like evidence to back that up is hard to, is hard to say. Like what is it? You can speculate, now can speculate. Look, until there's zero pedophiles, you can always say people are not doing enough. But how much more, like, what is the solution? Look, I got a number in my head.

If I heard this number, if the Pope came out and said 0.002% of priests are pedophiles, I'd be okay with that. 2% is way off the mark. You'd be okay with 0.02. That's still a few. I mean, it's still a few, but what are you going to do? It happens. I'm okay with that margin of error. 2% is huge. If anything else failed at a rate of 2%, I would be outraged.

Okay, do you know what the actual number is based on the numbers here according to the UN, according to Interpol? I just did the math here. It's 0.008%. What do you mean? So I just added those numbers that they said, the 2,572, who, supposedly have to live a life of prayer and penance, and then the 848 who've been turned over. Yeah, but you're not privy to the shit he's talking about.

Like, he's making, they, the Vatican, they do all their own, like, studies and research, and he obviously read some, I think that he read something that said 2%, he ran his mouth a little too much in public like he's not supposed to do, and the handler chimed in with, uh, uh, uh, he was confused, he was confused.

So then they threw out a bunch of dumb stats so people would get confused, like chaff, this is what they do. Please, this is what these handlers do. Dick, can you say that again with an Italian accent? So this is what they do. They throw out a bunch of a chaff. He wasn't confused.

He wasn't confused. Two percent of pedophiles. Come on. I want a 2% of a pizza right now. And they're like, oh, okay, okay, 2% of a pizza. That's funny. Okay, problem solved. The time of a meatball.

Yeah, so what? You're not going to let me call it priests? Is that what you're saying? I think you need to be more specific than that. You're fucking not. What are your problems? My problems are drones? Drones.

You know, your real problem is that law enforcement officers have drones. Dude, don't dick me. Don't nickel and dime me with the first. fucking problems, so or I'll do it to you. Fine with me. You want me to say law enforcement drones? No, I don't. It's funnier when it's drones. Okay. It's titillating. It's titillating. I want to hear more about it. And indignant co-hosts.

Well, I don't know what you're talking about. I had a wonderful time today. You brought up a lot of great points and I brought some, you know, I tried my best. That's ridiculous. That guy sounds like he's got something stuck in his craw. I don't know what to tell you. Yeah. Yeah. Who's that guy? Who wants to be his? co-host. You want to wrap it up? Yep, let's do it. Well, what were your problems?

So, well, we just went over them. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, so. And, yeah, so my first problem was Lady Thor. Oh, Lady Thor, that's right. Lady Thor. Lady Thor. Yeah. So, yeah, let's wrap this up. Go to the website, biggest problem in the universe.com to vote, and you can vote on several

different problems. Right. Yeah. Don't forget to vote. Thanks, guys.