The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 100

Episode Date: June 21, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe from AIDS to Zitz. With over 6 million downloads, this is the only show where you decide what should or shouldn't be on the big list of problems. I'm Maddox with me as Dick. Hey, what's up, buddy? And Sean, our audio engineer. Hello. Big episode 100.

We did it. Woo! Anniversary episode. That's it. Let's go. Let's leave right now. Done. We got Handy Randy in the studio. This is going to be a big one, guys.

Dick, we've been doing this for a long time. and every now and then I like to go back and listen to old episodes. And we sound, I thought that, I think our voices have improved a lot, our radio voices. The first ones are unlistenable. Yeah. They're shameful. They should be taken off the internet. And occasionally I'll meet somebody at a party or a wedding or something somewhere and they'll say,

what do you do? And I mentioned the podcast. And they say, oh, I'll go listen to it. I'll listen from episode number one and I'll go all the way through. And I said, please don't. No, don't do it from episode. Start at the newest. Start at the newest episode.

What episode do you recommend people listen to when... The newest one, always. Really, always the newest one? I usually recommend... Or 69. I like that. That was a good episode, actually. It was a good episode.

Why are you laughing? The sex episode, I remember that. I usually recommend episode 21. Actually, episode 10, I believe that was with Ryan Holiday. People really like that episode. Good one. Yeah, and I think episode 21 was the first time Mysterious was on the show. That one was a lot of fun.

So stop at 20. Episode 65 was really good. Episode 65, I think, was a fan favorite. That was when we did death and hoverboards. There was a few in the early 70s, I think, that were really good, if I remember right? But are the first ones that tough to listen to? I think I went back and everything is just more sedated. You know, you think there's all this excitement, but it doesn't come across until you...

Although that's not necessarily a problem. I played the last episode for my life coach a couple days ago. He was over drinking, and he got through like a minute and a half and he goes, There's too much shouting. I don't want to listen to this anymore. Yeah, okay. Well, there you go. All right, guys, well, I have a really big announcement to make.

I've been wanting to mention this on the podcast. Been in the works for a while. I'm launching a radio network, an entire podcast radio network. So the biggest problem in the universe, first podcast, obviously, and there's going to be a second one coming soon. And there's just going to be more. The entire network's going to grow. Oh.

Yeah. Cool. Yeah. So that's something. something to look forward to. It's coming down the line. I'm looking at possibly... Be careful. You don't see... You already sold it. You don't need to continue selling it with dates. Let's not write checks. Our asses can't cash. Yeah, I already got a book. What's going to come out first? The network or the book? I'll tell you what's going to come out first. Dark Souls 3. And so neither. Neither one's going to come out.

This is just going to be a big disappointment for everyone involved. But Dick, I mentioned weddings. over the weekend I went to a wedding and I didn't know this but I dressed up as a cowboy for this wedding It was a cowboy themed, right? The wedding was the cowboy themed or you were cowboy themed? Well, it turns out I was cowboy themed I showed up to the wedding, the only one dressed as a cowboy.

Why would you think a wedding is cowboy themed? Because I glanced at the invitation and I read the word cowboy on it somewhere. I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, cowboy, got it. And so I show up with a cowboy hat, cowboy shirt, only one at the wedding. And I kept going up to people. I'm like, yeah, I guess I'm the only one who committed to this.

And I committed to what? And so I go home and I think I might... Why did you keep the hat on? Once you realize the mistake, why did you keep the hat? Because then he just looks like a shittily dressed person and not somebody unconstitutional. Yeah, then he's looking like a guy with a bolot tie. That's not as bad as... I think you just wanted to upstage the bride at her own wedding by showing up in a weird costume.

Oh, buddy, any wedding I'm at, I'm always upstaging the bride. Well, yeah. Because you act like a jackass. Sounds like you upstaged yourself on this one. Yeah, well, I checked the invitation, and it actually didn't say it was a cowboy-themed wedding. It said there were drinks the night before that were at this place that was kind of rustic and cowboy themed, but they didn't tell anyone specifically to dress like cowboy. What was the—and what was the word cowboy doing?

They just mentioned that it's a really chill atmosphere. Think cowboys. And that's all I read. I read Cowboy, and I thought, okay, it's— Cowboys they've done. Oh my God. And there couldn't have been more than like 50 words on the invitation, right? No, and it's like that's the only important thing to get out of a wedding invitation is the dress code.

Like, is it formal? Is it not formal? Is it cowboy themed? Like, that's the only, the date and the dress code is all you need to look at. Yeah. Well. I didn't. Anyway.

Dick, moving on. Yeah, how did we do last time? The biggest problem in the universe from last week was, Facebook video Followed by Really? Yeah, Facebook video A lot of people

You know what? Now you're on the receiving end Of something that's a minor annoyance That shouldn't be Well I guess and then followed by banging your funny bones So Pretty big annoyance And then Dead Last was political satire

Which wasn't even a problem It's got negative three At the time of this recording Dick, political satire So last episode It was pretty controversial A lot of people were saying I guess you and Astyrios were saying that John Oliver is a journalist

or is pretending to be, right? Yeah, I think him and John Stewart pretend to be journalists. I think they present news. That's not arguable. They present news. People get news from them. And then they interspers it with the cunty comments. And that's, they just, they're bad journalists.

They're bad journalists who happen to be funny. They're not comedians mocking the news. Like, weekend update on SNL. That's like a mockery of a news program. Well, I looked into it and John Oliver, because I could have sworn he'd mentioned that he wasn't a journalist. Here's a clip. You're right.

I'm not a respected journalist because I'm not a journalist. No, no, I'm not. No, I'm a comedian. Yeah, yeah. Now, then he goes and interviews Henry Kissinger or some senator. Like, that's their ploy. They say that, and then they, I don't want to get into it again. Well, we're getting into it because I just disagree with them.

I brought some stats, buddy. So this guy, his name is Jorge Roman. He sent me an email. He sent me a link to the Harvard Crimson, this article called Political Satire Beyond the Humor. Now, one of the big problems, I guess, Assyrhus was making, and I guess you were agreeing with him last episode, is that political satire doesn't change anyone's minds. Well, I've thought about it since, too. I think, I mean, unless you just want to keep rolling with that. I don't necessarily agree with what we were saying last time as it pertains to political satire.

Because I was trying to think afterwards, like, what is political satire? And then I realized that all of my favorite artistic works are political satire. Like, Catch 22, 1984. That Libertarian Police article. Did you ever read that about it's like a libertarian dystopia? What would happen if a cop was, like, if the entire government was run with these insane libertarian ideas? The cop is in his car shooting up heroin and he shows up to arrest somebody. and then he has to get paid,

and he has to put, like, a quarter in his gun to shoot it. It's hilarious, and I love it. That's political satire. I think this John Oliver, John Stewart thing, is a different type of problem. Well, so one of the things that a serious kept saying is it doesn't change people's minds, and I kept saying you brought in no evidence,

this is totally unsubstantiated. And one of the comments I kept reading over and over in the comment section, this is how I feel myself, is that it may not necessarily change your mind, but it can get, you to first of all think about these stories and these issues and then further research them. And I found lots of people saying that even though they are not persuaded by political satire,

they then do research that does persuade them. And I myself have changed my opinion on guns a long time ago. I was opposed to guns, moderately opposed to guns, because I was watching... And then I was watching... You got a sex change? And what happened? No, so I was watching, I believe, the Daily Show, and it was right after a big gun tragedy. So, and they were doing a bunch of stuff on it, and I decided to look into it, and that's when I had a much more moderate view on guns.

When I looked into the stats and found out that over two-thirds of the gun homicides that were reported are suicides. Yeah. So that's a pretty important stat that kind of gets left out. Another huge majority is black teenagers killing other black teenagers. Oh, I'm like, no. What, that's not true? I mean, black on black violence is a major problem. Well, it's the, there's way more white on white violence.

Why are you bringing race into it? Oh, because it's a huge problem in the black community. It's a huge problem in the white community. It's not an issue with guns. The majority. Why are you upset about that? Well, because you're bringing race into it. What does race have to do with guns?

No, it's not. There's more violent, there's more black-on-black violent crime per the population. Yeah, but it's a huge problem. Yeah, but look at where. No, exactly. In that community, Sean. So look at, if you go to a place where it's predominantly black, like Englewood or St. Louis or whatever. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. All I'm saying is... Well, let me finish this point. If you go to a place that's predominantly black, like St. Louis, right? Yeah. Yeah, you're going to have a lot of black-on-black crime because guess what? All the citizens who live there are black or the majority are black. So, yeah, you're going to see spike on black-on-black crime.

But it's not that... Saying it's black on black is like saying, oh, it's white-on-white crime. Because if you go to an affluent neighborhood and one person gets shot, the odds are going to be that the person who shot them is going to be white, and the person who got shot is also going to be white, because that's all the people who live there. I'm baffled that you're taking this in this direction. Right.

Yeah, right? My point was, is saying gun deaths is not an accurate representation of the violence inherent two guns. Like, right. Yeah, there's way more, there's way more gun violence that happens in urban black communities. That's not me making stuff up. That's the numbers.

But it's also saying, like, way more gun violence happens with people with penises. Way more gun violence happens with people who wear a certain thing. Right, but you chose to say black. Like, look, guys, I don't want to get into this because instead of saying black, you could have said poor. You could have said impoverished. But that's not true. It is true.

It absolutely is true. There's way more gun violence in Compton than fucking Beverly Hills. No one would debate that. And what's the different? What's the predominant difference between Compton and Beverly Hills other than race? Which part of this are you offended by? Just the race part? Right. Why race? Why does race have to do with anything?

Because it's a different issue. It's like it's conflating gun violence with a very different issue. That's a race issue. It's not a race issue. I would think that the different races have different issues they need to address. Like treating everyone like, oh, it's just the same in throwing up your hands is a little irresponsible when you're looking at the data. The big variable isn't race. It's poverty.

Well, if you listen to most of the black leaders, they're very concerned about the black on black. Of course. It's a huge problem. No, it's not true. That's the fucking headline. Those are the ones that get the headlines, like black on black crime. I think you're way off on this. No, absolutely not.

You realize you're talking to two people who want to lessen black violence, right? Like, it's not my issue. What does race have to do with anything? A lot of times it is tied to the poverty level as well. It's always fucking poverty. You're not seeing, you go to a, a rich black neighborhood and the crime levels drop miraculously. Yeah, no, it's true.

Miraculously, even though they're black, the crime levels drop. There's not a lot of affluent black neighborhoods, though. Right, but the one, that's irrelevant, the ones that are, the ones that are affluent and black, because there aren't a lot of black people, 13% of the population, so you're really narrowing down 13% of the population. Why are you so angry about this? Because it involves race into something that has nothing to do with. race.

I think you're thinking that we're being racist somehow by saying that. But you're choosing... Black poverty is very different than white poverty. We're getting way off. We're getting like way off. I don't want to like throw this whole episode out into this thing.

We can talk about this some other time. Why? This isn't the focus of this episode. We got a lot of stuff to cover. We can move on and we can talk about this some other time. All right. We win. Me and Sean win the argument.

Great. Bravo. All right. Anyway, so. this article here from the Harvard Crimson, it's called Political Satire Beyond the Humor. In January 2012, Stephen Colbert launched the Colbert Super PAC on his late-night talk show, the Colbert report, lambasting the rules, governing formation of, and coordination of political action committees. So super committees, the super PACs started becoming things.

They lessened the legislation. They loosened the laws for the legislation for Super PACs. And surprisingly, Colbert succeeded where many authentic news sources have not in explaining the inconsistencies in and implications of laws governing packs clearly. So that's something that Stephen Colbert was able to do on his program, because he has a comedy show, he's able to come out and say, guys, I'm creating a super pack and all the money that you donate to me, he was lampooning the ridiculous rules of super PACs, where supposedly they're supposed to be independent of a candidate, right?

So anyone can form a super PAC, dump as much money into politics that they want. Sure. And then. Freedom of speech. Because they have this rule that says, well, the super PAC can't be, can't communicate directly with a politician, right? That's the... Okay. And then Stephen Colbert...

Seems stupid. Of course. And Stephen Colbert pointed it out specifically by creating a super PAC and then nominating all the funds to go to John Stewart. Yeah. And then he would give secret messages on his show to John Stewart of what to do because that's exactly what super PACs were doing. Right. It's stupid. That is something, that entire procedure is something that you would never see on the nightly news.

Well, wait a minute. So is that why you're saying they're not journalists? No, no, no. That's why I'm saying that political satire is so important above and beyond changing people's minds. Why is it tasked? Why should political satire have to change people's minds? That was what Assyria said. I don't know.

He's not here to defend himself. That wasn't my big wicked. Are you saying because he explained it in a really accessible way? Yeah. Because he did in that respect. They would never lay it out quite like that and show its absurdity in like a nightly news program. Right. I get that.

And I think that's what the drum thing really gets to the heart of because the whole thing. I was really wanting to get through this without talking about Trump. Oh, well. Can we go back to black on crime? Yeah. No, this is going to be really tough then. But this article goes on here. Listen to this.

Viewers have sat. So the other thing is he said that people who watch Colbert Report and Stewart are of a particular political persuasion. It says here, viewers of satire are more likely to watch and read traditional news sources as well, in addition to their satire sources, according to an article in Columbia Journalism Review. In fact, satirists often refer to other news sources to provide background of their critiques, and research suggests that increased viewership of political humor increases knowledge of current events leads to further information seeking on related topics and increases viewer interest in and attention paid to politics and the news. And then they said here, less than half of the viewers of the Daily Show and Colbert Report are, liberals. In fact, 38% of the viewers of Colbert Report, as well as 41% of those watching Daily Show, consider themselves independence. These shows have roughly the same percentage of Democrat viewers as the New York Times and USA Today. I think a lot more people nowadays, since they're

so disillusioned with both parties, both major parties, they identify as independence a lot more than they used to. Back in like, I think it was like 30 or 40 years ago, it was something like 92% of the U.S. population identified with one party or the other. When was that? Something like 35 to 40 years ago and now it's a lot less. The independent movement has grown a ton. People are very disenfranchised. For sure.

Anyway, what do you got? I got some, you know, I got some oh, I got some celebrities calling in congratulating us on our 100 episodes. So last time... Got a lot of celebrity listeners of the show. Last time I did this, I asked our comedy friends if they would call in and leave a celebrity

voicemail. Do you remember how well that worked out for me? Right. We got celebrities calling in such as the emperor from Star Wars. Oh, big celebrity. Big celebrity. I remember Sean Conry. He called in about 70 times. Oh, he did it this time?

No, no, no, no. He did not call. This time, I think it's even worse. So this time I said, well, I'll put it to the fans. Like, they couldn't do a worse job than these comedy guys, calling in with Star Wars references, right? So I put it to the fans like, hey, guys, why don't you call in this time? Because these comedy guys, they can't do anything right.

And they could do it worse? They could do it worse, as it turns out. Uh, let's see. Oh, wow. Listen to that. Yeah. Who are these guys? Maddox.

I listen to your podcast, and it's a huge piece of shit. Offecino. Oh, yeah, big, big fan of the... Thanks a lot. Okay, here's one. See if you recognize this voice. Hello, this is presidential candidate Bernie Sanders. And this is how I talk.

I just wanted to congratulate you both on 100 episodes. Even if there's some conservative rhetoric thrown around here, I do enjoy the banter. I do believe that the bonus episodes are marginalizing the law and middle class. Bonus episodes should be free to everyone and a basic human right. Dick, your libertarian views can go fuck themselves. Oh, okay. That's exactly what I expect Bernie Sanders to say, as a fan and listener of the show.

Here's a more recognizable voice for you. Hi, this is Mr. T. I just want to congratulate Dick and Maddoch on 100 episodes and I pity the fool who don't listen to your podcast. Nailed it. I mean, he got the important parts, right? That's the widest Mr. T I've ever heard. Okay, I'll play some more of these as we go.

I got, so Dick, you mentioned Star Wars references. I got a little bit for you. Oh. Yeah. I know you didn't make this. It sounds good. Wait, wait, wait for it. You spoke too soon.

Yeah, damn, Dick. Still sounds good. Dick, Dick, Dick versus Dick versus Dick. Dick, aren't he's like a chimpanzee? A face you can barely see. Oh, Dick contradicts, contradicts. He is a man bun wearing douche, a man with many truths, because Dick contradicts, contra dig. Yeah, well, buddy, this is, I got the mother.

You should have kept them all as Dick versus Dick. Instead of trying to change it. Yeah. It's been funny. Well, I got the mother of all Dick versus Dicks coming up here. All right. A number of people have noticed this. They sent this in.

But I found this old quote from an author, an author who I respect and love. And he said this in his book. Is it Maddox? Yeah. It is me. But the other quote is from Dick. Here's what he said in his book. Listen to this.

Ever wonder why no one who anyone respects, like Donald Trump believes in New Age crap. Oh, I said that? You said that. Oh, that's from your book, why do you like to talk about Trump? I said Donald Trump in my book? Yeah.

What if his views have evolved? No, my views have not evolved. No, they've devolved, John. No, no, no, no. They've clearly devolved. I wrote that entire book on the liquor. That's when I do my best thinking. That will, that's as,

evolve is the wrong word. I asymptotically approach perfection as I get on the liquor. And that entire book is as close as you can get. Oh, please go ahead. Very debatable about that whole entire statement. But yeah, thank you to Alex Bevin for reading that. She sent that in. But, yeah, that was...

I can't believe that. Yeah. You said that... That's great. I've been a trumpeter for longer than I even know. No. You said people who no one respect, like Donald Trump. Believe in New Age crap?

Yeah. Say that again. Here's the clip. Does he believe in New Age crap? No. I wonder why no one who anyone respects, like Donald Trump, believes in New Age crap. No one who anyone respects like Donald Trump. I think I'm saying that Trump doesn't believe in it.

Well, I wrote it, so I'll tell you what I meant. Here's the, like the full quote. The context was you were talking about why people would read this book and you were saying women would never read this book because they believe in, uh, they get their inspiration. Let me read the entire context. No, I wrote it. I'll tell you what it is. No one who anyone respects, meaning respects is the operative word like Donald Trump, who people respects.

That's not what you said. That's not what you said. I have the exact quote. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You're telling me, Dick Masterson, the author of men are better than women, would shit on Donald Trump in a book? Are you fucking retarded?

You did. The joke is that I would treat him like a God. That's the joke. No, no, no. Here, let me read the exact quote. It's not funny if I shit on Donald Trump in that book. The whole point of the book is like, like ultra-hardcore conservative and like worshiping money in business.

That's not what you said. Trump is a better character than me. Here is exactly what you said. Women feel free to broaden your horizons with other new age monkey shit. Ever wonder why no one who anyone respects, okay? No one who anyone respects. No, let me finish this. Everyone fucking heard you.

Just don't repeat yourself. No, because the full quote, the full quote in context here. Bring the linguistic in here. The right to bear arms. What does that mean? Okay. Can I finish this? You just, you've said it like three times.

No, I'm reading the exact quote. Go ahead. I paraphrased. Go ahead. Here's the exact quote. Ever wonder why no one who anyone respects, like your father or Donald Trump, buys into that crap? Your father, I'm equating Donald Trump to your father, right, who everyone respects. No.

No one respects. You're saying people do respect new age crap or not? No, I'm saying that you're, you need to work on your reading comprehension skills. I'm equating father who, in the book. Look, men are better than women. The father is about as respectful as you can get. I'm equating your father and Donald Trump. The joke there is that I'm implying Donald Trump is my father.

That's the joke. Okay. Good joke. Another dick versus dick. All right. Well, I guess you've always been a Trump supporter, I guess. Of course, because he's awesome. No one who anyone respects, like Donald Trump or your father buys into that crowd.

Why would I be shitting on your father? I don't know. No, you were talking about the chick's father. Yeah. Why would I be shitting on a father? I don't know, man. You wrote the book? But can you not see the difference?

Like, no one you anyone respect. No one who respects, like, your father. Everyone respects him. The father clears it up. Of course it does. Look, I got, I got a clip. I got a song for us. I'll take your word for it.

Are we going to make it to 101 episodes? We'll see. We'll see. I got a song here. What is it? This one is really starting off. I got a song here from Victor Anderson. Check this.

I think you'll like this one. Look at this. Cock. Isn't it short? Wouldn't you think my cock is the same size as the balls? A girl who has every cock. Every cock. Treasures untold.

How many balls can one peehole? Hold. And around here you think. Sure. She's got a. cock or limp cock, both of which I'm offended by. Good song.

Breakdown. Yeah. Is that it? Yeah, that's by Victor Anderson. Thank you, Victor. All right, I got another song from Gramey. Hey, what's up, buddy? We're trying to find the biggest problem in the universe.

They're Madics and their dick. They're Maddox and their dick. One thinks he's a genius. The other's a dick. They're 30-something-year-old. whitish mayos. Their Maddox, their Maddox and their Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick,

Dick, Dick, Dick. With the hell of Mysterios, they bitch, complain, and moan, and before the time has come, Sean deletes the episode. The Maddox and their dick, yes, Maddox and the dick. One is an asshole,

the other's a brick. The apples are the worst. In the universe, Maddox, they're Maddox and their dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, Damn it, man, wow. Wow, congrats, thank you, Grant Mooney, that's your magnum opus. The best thing you've ever done, easily. Pretty good song.

Easily, of the two things. Oh, okay, I see. He sounded so angry. Yeah, the best thing you ever done or will ever do. I got way too much shit here. A bunch of guests called in to congratulate us, but like, oh my gosh, we got so, this so top-heavy. We got a couple packages too. Let's open

them at the end. I'll get to some problems here. Well, what if it's something we can use throughout the episode? Okay, let's open up the presents. Thank God someone got them because someone forgot to go to the PO box to get all these 100th episode presents.

Look at how much barbecue sauce is spilling out of that. Yeah. Okay, I'm opening up a package here. We got a bunch of T-shirts. Here, take a look at these shirts. Okay. And I, let's see if I got a note here. There are a bunch of shirts. Oh, they're your shirts.

They're Maddox brand shirts. Civil disobedience is still disobedience. Oh, I think someone sent these in for me to sign them or something. Okay, never mind. Let's get to another. Are you sure they're not returns? No, because I don't sell these from my online store. I sell these from my online store, but these aren't ones that I've shipped.

All right. I know that was a joke. Okay. Let's get to another package. Yeah, that's for sign. for signing. Oh, thanks, Randy. I'll cut that package out.

Sorry, Sean. There's going to be a lot of stuff we're cutting out of this. Yeah. Oh, wow, we got a lot of packages here. Look at it. These are all gift wrapped. Oh. So, you know, a girl sent these to us?

Yeah. Because they're not broken all over the box. We got one for Sean. Here you go, Sean. It's light. Yeah. Let's see. We got one for Dick.

Oh, great. There you go. And a big one for me. overcompensating. Yeah, big one like my dick. Who's this from? Oh my God, there's like a note written on the outside of the package here.

It's from Samantha and Cameron. Oh, actually, the big one says it's for Maddox, Dick, and Sean. It's on the ground. Here we go. And then there's one in here for me, too. It says Maddox from Sam. Maddox, I know how much you love

lampooning some poor grandmas' outdated sense of fashion, Sam. And she sent me this package here. See what you got. Do you open yours? Yeah, I opened it. Oh, it's the ugly holiday sweater catalog. It's a coloring book.

Oh, color, oh, it's a coloring book. Fantastic. I love it. Perfect. This is exactly what I want. Here's mine. Here's mine. Dick, we know you'll enjoy wearing this little number

to show your pride in the brand and attract fellow connoisseurs of fine whiskey-based liqueurs. Cameron and Sam. What's the shirt? It's a t-shirt. Oh, Fireball whiskey. God, damn it. And it's got a piece of cinnamon in it.

Let's trade. Let's trade. You like Fireball whiskey, and I like dating 18-year-olds. So they'll love coloring books. Here's your grandma coloring book. Yeah, perfect. Great. Thanks, Cameron, Sam.

That really backfired on you. We both are satisfied with each other's presents now. Very happy now. Sean, read your card. Okay, it's stuck to the outside of what looks like the smallest Chinese food box. I've ever seen. Seriously, it's got the little metal thing on top and everything. It says, it's from Cameron. It says, Sean, wow, it's been 69 episodes since your last

audio engineer, oopsie. This one's never going to die. Assuming you haven't had another accident since I sent this package. Keep up the good work, sarcastic fucker. It's cursive. It's hard to read. It is. Big problem. I bought this gift for you, and it goes around the back in case you slip up again. So I'm having trouble reading this. It like wraps around the whole fucking package. I spared no expense in buying this rare and elusive item. It's like a long email from the past.

Yeah. So I won't be surprised if you've never... What is it? I can't even see. Seen one before? It's on the bottom of the fucking package now. So... Really had to get all that? Yeah, I really did.

What's in the package? It is an undelete key. A what? That exists? It's a delete key with UM scribbled over it. Yeah. Now, let me tell you, I have never seen a more confused look on Sean's face. You've never seen that key before, Sean.

I haven't. Never have. And then the final package is a big one for all of us. It says, well, guys, I trust that you're all content with your personal gifts. It's just fucking cursive. We're really good. But episode 100 is extra special. So I've included a bottle of my favorite whiskey.

This stuff is near cask strength. So you won't be a pussy if you add ice to your glass to better taste the natural flavor. Keep up the good work, Cameron. P.S. It's a double-sided stick. Oh, and I guess, I guess feel free to share this bottle with any special studio audience guests. Get a magnifying glass. Showing you, joeing you? Joining you.

Okay, boisterous coconuts, Dick's Man, Aaron Tillman, Robin Higgins, Tim Changs, etc. Since they are probably feeling pretty bummed out and jealous about not getting a cool personal gift. And the whiskey is... Well, it's not spilled all over the box. That's a first. You guys, it is Stranahan's Colorado Whiskey. Stranahan's Colorado Whiskey. Oh.

That looks really good. It's got a nice amber color to it. I'm not a big enough alcoholic to be able to identify whiskey by sight. But they're working on it. Why would that be the one lie you tell on this show, Dick? Okay, and then the fine. Oh, my God. There's another card.

No, no, no, no. That's it. That's it. Two sentences max from now. My fiance and I are big fans of the podcast and wanted to send you the gifts to you in honor of episode 100. I recommend opening the big box last. Oh, that's what we did. Great.

Assuming it is still intact, Cameron and Sam. P.S., I promise it's neither severed head or a weapon. Awesome. Well, thank you, guys. Thanks, Sam. Fuck you, Cameron. We get another one. Okay.

We got one more package. We'll open it up at the end of the show. The show's already very top heavy. Let's get to the problems, yeah? Yeah. Go ahead. All right, guys. Big, big 100th episode.

These, these are problems we've been saving for 100 episodes. Right. Right? Uh-huh. Go ahead. Easily. Because we just thought of them at 99. No, Sean, this is one I've wanted to bring in for a long time because I truly believe

this is the biggest problem in the universe. If you were to come to me and say, Maddox, independently of your dipshit listeners, I want you to go through this list and sort them from the first. the biggest to smallest. I'd say about five of the top ten are about accurate. Oh, on our list already? No. Well, yeah, of the problems we've brought in, yes.

Of the problems we brought in, yes. Of the problems in the universe, no. Because specifically of the problem I'm bringing in today. Okay. All right. The biggest problem in the universe, asteroids. Oh. The video game?

No, dick. Uh-oh. Asteroids, the rock. Hurdling through space. Hurdling through space. Rock's hurtling through space. Big problem. It is a really big problem.

I like this one already. Yeah? Do you show? No, for real. Okay, good. Because it is, in my estimation, there is no bigger problem in the universe for life than asteroids. Okay.

Because asteroids have the potential to wipe out 100% of life on any planet. And we don't. don't even know that there is life on other planets except for microbes on Mars and who gives a shit about them. You think there's life on other planets? Yeah. Yeah. Okay, good.

It's likely. Wow. I'm gonna go, definitely. Yeah. Well, they found, I think they've confirmed microbes from Mars. They found that. So we know for a fact. Yeah, absolutely.

There is life on other planets. But asteroids can wipe all of them out. So these asteroids that can come and wipe out all the Earth, they're called extinction, extinction-level asteroids. Yeah. Those are ones that can, they can devastate. Those are basically the ones that wipe out the dinosaurs. Yeah.

That wiped out, I believe, like 60, 70% of the life on Earth at that time. Oh, only 60 to 70? Right. Oh. Well, I don't know then. That's not, you said 100% at first. Well, something had to survive. Depends on the size of the asteroid.

If it was bigger, it could potentially have wiped out. It could have shattered our planet. I mean, it could potentially wipe out everything. Everything. Okay. But that asteroid, the size that it was. So there was an asteroid, Dick. First of all, the dino killer is estimated to have been between five and 15 kilometers.

That's three to ten miles. That's not that big. That's an asteroid. I mean, that's three to ten miles. We're not even talking about moon size here. Yeah. Three to ten miles. It's like from the distance to what?

Here to Disneyland, isn't it? Those dinosaurs were assholes, though. Yeah? Why don't you bring them in as a problem? We don't know. No need, because thankfully, that wonderful asteroid came along and fix that problem for us. Oh yeah, you think so? Those dinosaurs are going around eating people

left and right. Why would you say from here to Disneyland? I don't know. What's the... What is... It's not even close. No. Well, an asteroid of that size would sure shit wipe out Earth. I think so. But that was only 5 to 10 miles. Okay, guys, here are some odds

for you, some statistics, right? Oh, great. That'll really make this problem fun. Fuck you. What are your stats? Like how likely it is to get hit by an asteroid? Well, here's the thing. Considering Asteroids, like, bro, wait a minute. I'm sorry for interrupting.

You need a new fucking printer. I know. It's hard. You got all these great jokes and statistics, but it's printed out like a psychopaths. It's printed out, and then it's like, you took out half of it within a racer. I know. It's hard, it's hard to read this fucking... Randy, can you figure out

the printing situation? I mean, we've got to deliver the jokes. The jokes have to be inputted into the computer and then print it out, and then read into the microphone. There's a problem with that system. Yeah, Randy. Buy me new printer. All right. So anyway, so that

asteroid that wiped out the dinosaurs, only 3 to 10 miles, 5 to 15 kilometers. That's not that big, guys. There's way bigger asteroids. The odds of dying from an asteroid are actually like higher than you would think. They're higher than if they're over zero.

That's way higher than I think. You think it's zero? Really? I'm getting killed by an asteroid? Yeah. Yes. It's never happened to anybody. Okay, Dick, here's some basic math. Okay. Here's how you figure this, here's how you figure this out. The odds of an asteroid impact impacting Earth is 100%. It's going to happen because it's happened before and it's just, we know it's going to happen. Yeah. It's just a matter of time. And one of those asteroids, the odds that it be, that it is the size of wiping out all of Earth is also 100%. It's going to, it, it's going to, it, it's, that's the

odds that you needed to read off the printer paper? No, no, no, no. 100%? Well, they calculated the risk of dying of different sizes of asteroids. Okay, good, good, good. The odds of dying by terrorist attack is like 1 in 80,000 in the U.S. assuming... Really? That seems high. Well, that's assuming 9-11 in your lifetime. Assuming another 9-11.

Another 9-11 in your lifetime. Without 9-11, it's in the millions. It's actually... Still seems high, right? Yeah, yeah, it is. Because more toddlers have killed people than terrorists. Sure, sure. Americans than terrorists.

I wish they didn't include the 9-11 stats in here because that's such an anomaly. But the asteroid impact, you're more likely to die from an asteroid, one in 720,000. And that's of all sizes, assuming that it wipes out all life on Earth. And amusement park rides, one in 1.1 million. So you're more likely to die from an asteroid than an amusement park or terrorism. Okay, wait a minute. Pretend that I'm retarded. Okay, done.

You'd have to ask me to stop to pretend. How is that remotely possible that the odds of dying from an asteroid attack are higher than dying in a ride at Disneyland or a terrorist attack? Are you talking about a function of like over millions of years or since it is definitely going to happen at some point? You're not talking about in our lifetime. That doesn't make sense. Yeah, I'm definitely not dying from an asteroid. Well, they take the total average casualty, right, the casualty rate of an asteroid impact and then they amortize that over the time period. Over how many years?

Well, it depends. The size of the asteroid. So big if, though. Got it. Dino-sized asteroids, actually, the biggest threat to Earth are Apollo asteroids. Apollo asteroids are ones that have Earth-crossing orbits. And those are the ones that obviously wiped out the dinosaurs. Those are dino killers.

And they say those come by once every 100,000 years or so. Ah. Okay. It's been, we're long overdue. We're seven times more likely today than we were when the dinosaurs were extinct of getting another one of these asteroids. We're just due for one. Wasn't there one that came by, like, in the scope of the universe, by like a hair? I mean, I know it's like it was like hundreds of thousands of miles.

Yeah, it was like hundreds of thousands of miles, I think, but it was fairly recently. I remember reading something about that. It was in the scope of, you know, how large things are. It wasn't that far. No, you're right, Sean. I have it right here. It happened in 2012. We had a near miss in 2012 where an asteroid came within 40,000 miles of Earth.

And here's the big problem with that. We didn't see it until two days before. That's like from here to Disneyland. Yeah, I couldn't even see it. Hey, I can't see it. It must be the same distance. Yeah, 40,000 miles. I think the equator of the Earth is like 25,000 miles.

Yeah, 25,000 miles. Yeah, so it came pretty fucking close. Pretty fucking close. You know that my friend works on the asteroid detection system? Oh, really? Oh, yeah, he's got a whole big, great scam cooked up. They're buying all these expensive telescopes, and then they don't throw in, like, using the telescopes in the first grant. So they build all the telescopes.

They're like, well, you're going to have to give us more money because we didn't put all the salaries of all the scientists that got to look through all the telescopes in the first grant. So he's always flying around trying to gin up cash for this big scam that he's got. The scientists, big scammers. They're just trying to save all of humanity with these telescopes. But that's the point. I'm like, so what do you do if you find one?

He's like, I don't know. That's not in the grant. Well, send me a text. If you see one, send me a text before you send everyone else so I can get started on the looting early. So where were you on that one, dip shit? Yeah. Dick, don't you see, this is exactly why this is such a big problem

because everyone kind of jokes about it. Everyone thinks, okay, well, what happens if you detect an asteroid? That's the rub. We don't know. We don't have a plan. We have a couple of theories and a couple of silly movies that came out in the 90s, Armageddon and Deep Impact with some hokey bullshit. Oh, those were not silly.

Okay. Well, we had the... How dare you. We had these movies. Scientists have been trying to grapple with how to best tackle this problem. for a long time. Yeah. And people don't really have an answer because we've never done it before.

So we only have basically one shot. If we find an asteroid within two days that's going to strike Earth, and by the way, we were lucky to notice that two days before. Sometimes these asteroids are really dark bodies and we just don't see them because they don't reflect a lot of light. They have an iron core or they're very, very dark, very dense, metallic, heavy objects that are floating through space, just floating death coming into our atmosphere to destroy all life.

And you think, oh, well, when's the last time that happened? 1908 shitheads. What do you mean? 1908. Over Siberia. Yep, the Tunguska event of 1908. I first learned about that from Ghostbusters, believe it or not. Oh, yeah, I remember that scene.

That line at the end of the movie, yeah. I think this is from BBC. It says one of the last significant impacts occurred June 30th, 1908, when an asteroid or comet exploded 6.2 miles above a secluded forest in Tunguska, Siberia, flattening trees over an area of 625 square miles or 1,600 square kilometers. 625 square miles. That's huge, huge, which surprisingly few people cared about at the time due to the remoteness of the region and the fact that there seemed to have been no casualties. However, and this is from BBC, however, it says calculation suggests that if it had landed four hours and 47 minutes later, it would have hit St. Petersburg. And according to estimates, such an airburst occurring over New York could cost $1.19 trillion to insurers and property damage.

What about the people? Not to mention causing approximately 3.2 million fatalities and 3.76 million injuries. Whoa. So if an asteroid that happened in 1908 exploded over New York, it would take out 3 million people. 3 million people. Damn. And 3.76 million injuries is what they're estimating. All right.

Well, how much is it cost to get rid of all these asteroids? What do we do? And by the way, this estimation, Dick, with the one-fold, $1.2 trillion. That's just estimate property damage. Not estimate... Yeah, I don't care about that.

Yeah, not estimate to our economy or anything else. I mean, I think it'd be a big boom. For the economy, yeah, right? Be a giant broken window. Yeah. Oh, my. Did you mean the pun, the boom from the asteroid,

or did you just mean the... Okay, yeah, I'm both. So what do we do? Wait, can we talk about that more? No. No. No. We have to invest

everything we got. and make this priority number one today to solve this problem, to put into Earth a defense system against fucking asteroids. We worry so much about terrorism and gun violence and roller coaster rides and seatbelts and all this other shit. Whatever we're worrying about is peanuts compared to this problem. And it's going to take, unfortunately, the smoking gun is going to be an asteroid coming into our atmosphere and killing people before people take this seriously.

And I hope it's not a big one because if it is, that's it. We're fucked. And we may be, look, I believe that life is probably plentiful in the universe. However, intelligent life, life that evolves, life that gets culture and language and satellites and rocket chips and ability to travel to stars and distant planets, I think those are probably pretty rare. We may be. How rare?

Well, according to your Drake equation estimate. Yeah, according to the Drake equation, most scientists put their estimates at about one, which means that it's likely that they exist. However, if they're plentiful in a universe so vast, we'd probably. have heard from one of them by now because of radio because of radio signals radio no radio signals die off really fast though I mean there's it you're talking about like the great filter there's a lot of reasons for that but like I want to know what your gut feeling is on how many alien like how many weird foreheaded aliens there

are to be Star Trekie out in the universe I think in tell you will ever meet one a lot of problems that's hard to say it I mean the conquering interterrestrial travel is a non-trivial problem. It's a real significant problem that we have not overcome. We need a lot of energy or to figure out wormholes. And by the way, theoretically speaking, if we want to create a wormhole, that's going to take about the amount of energy in our entire sun.

We have to convert suns into... We need Kim Jong-un. For what? To do any of this. He's the man who can do it. He has a deity. Well, he's, yeah, he's... He's exploding nuclear weapons. He's doing all this stuff. He can't launch a rocket more than five feet. But my personal belief that my Drake equation is about 0.75.

So if you guys don't know about the Drake equation is, look it up. It's basically you take a bunch of variables into consideration on how likely it is for a planet to exist that could harbor life. How likely it is for that life to evolve. How likely it is for them to survive themselves. So they don't destroy each other into nuclear holocaust like we almost did. How likely it is for them to survive other interplanetary incidents. and how likely it is for them to develop technology to communicate and whether or not they are willing to communicate.

That's another factor. So you plug in all these variables and you come up with a number either less than one or greater than one, but around one. And one says that it's likely, I think, and then less than one means slightly less likely. I think it's like 0.75. I think one per super cluster of galaxies. Do you think they'll be hot?

The aliens? Yeah. Only one way to find out That would be such a big disappointment Like we found aliens And then you see their women You're like god damn it You know what I believe

I believe your penis doesn't lie When you look at something or someone True Right It's not the culture has hammered us With some notion of what's hot or what's not No I trust my penis If it moves it moves

And that's what orientation I am If I see a nude guy And I get a boner I'm like well Maybe I'm gay I don't know Wow I hope someone remixes So what's What's the, you just said that we should be dumping all of our money into the asteroid.

Priority number one. Cancel, cancel planned parenthood immediately, put all that money. Right? Actually, just take some of our fucking bloated defense budget and put it towards asteroid, asteroid defense. And then it has to be an international solution because if we create our own solution for knocking out asteroids, Russia's going to be like, hey, what are you building those nukes for? And we tell them, oh, asteroids. And they're like, yeah, sure, buddy.

We're going to build our own, quote, asteroid nukes. And then you're going to have an arms race. This has to be an international consortium, an international coalition. It has to be a world government. A new world, a new world order, I would say. You are not selling this problem, wow. A big world. But here's the thing, man.

Once we get inter-terrestrial or intergalactic problems that we have to contend with, I think humans will really fucking shape up real quick and realize, guys, it's no longer us versus Mexico or us versus them or Europe or whatever. versus the universe. It's us versus the universe. They're like Mexico of space. And Mexico. That's right.

We can put rocket ships on Mexico, just launch the whole fucking thing. Save money on walls. Dick? What? Huh? If we launch Mexico into space? Oh, yeah, sure. Let me talk you down from the hysteria for a second. Okay.

So let's say a reasonable way to not get hit by an asteroid is not with nukes. Is to send out like, send out a bunch of satellites and use orbital moment. to knock it off track, right? Send out a bunch of little spacecrafts, have them whizz around the thing, and they use their own momentum to pull the asteroid away from impacting the Earth, right? So you're saying if we detected an asteroid coming towards Earth,

you would launch an aircraft to try to orbit the asteroid and then use it... Oh, I'm describing a real thing, like a plan to get rid of an asteroid. I know, but I'm asking what that plan is. You're saying that the aircraft would orbit the asteroid and try to slingshot it with its gravity away from the Earth, right? So you get, when it goes on to the far side of the asteroids, you fire on the afterburners, whatever, and pull, using gravity,

it kind of pulls the asteroid off track, right, eventually. Like our own moon does. Moon's slinging around all the time, always changing where the center of mass is from like 10 billion light years out. Okay. How far away do we need to see that asteroid come? We don't need all this new world government and all this nonsense. We just need enough time to get these things, get these guys up.

there, right? You're whipping everybody up into a frenzy over these asteroids. Well, I'm saying, it's all we need is some telescopes. Well, sure, Dick. I mean, that's a great solution for an asteroid you see coming a month away or two months away or you can predict coming years away, right? Years, right? Years, sure. That could be a great solution for an asteroid like that. But the asteroids, like in 2012, the one that we saw with a two-day notice, that's not going to happen. That's not a good plan. What do you got? Nukes? No, you can't nuke an asteroid out of space. Well, you're, that's our best plan, honestly, like, to day right now, our government, the best course of action that we possibly have is

nukes against an asteroid. And by the way, the Tunguska event, that asteroid is estimated to have been 10 meters big or 32.8 feet. 32.8 feet would have caused 1.2 trillion dollars in damage and over, what was it, 3 million casualties and 3 million injuries. That was a 10-foot asteroid. So you launch a nuke into space, knock out this giant, fucking colossal asteroid, then what? Anything bigger than 10 feet that enters our assorties? atmosphere is still going to fucking wreak havoc on Earth. This is a huge problem.

It's the biggest problem in the universe. What if you send up a bunch of guys who could drill into it and then put the nuke in it? You know, that plan just might work, Dick. It's better than your plan. What's my plan? It's a weird new world government

and canceling plan parenthood. I don't think that's a good idea. I want to see the candidates asked about this. About the asteroid act? The whole, yeah, what would you do? I just want to see what they'd say? It's a huge problem, man. No, but all joking aside,

we do have to have government cooperation because you can't have one government independently creating nukes and then telling everyone else that it's for asteroids. But why do you think it's nukes? Nukes aren't going to do anything. What else are we got? The orbital momentum thing.

No, no, look. We're talking about near, we're talking about short notice asteroids. Nukes are not going to do that. Well, what do you got? What's a solution? Dig a hole and convince a bunch of broads to get in there with me.

That's a better solution than yours. Maybe what they need to do is dig a hole right through Earth, so there's a hole that the asteroid can pass right there. Yeah, now you're thinking. Some of the plans that people have proposed for asteroids is to paint the side of the asteroid. But again, that's a long-distance plan

because if you see an asteroid coming years away and you know it's going to cross the Earth's trajectory, you can paint the asteroid white or something reflective so that enough sunlight makes that asteroid slightly push out of our orbits way. And it's not much. You don't have to push these things a lot out of our way, but just enough.

That would work. That would work, yeah. Theoretically? Because of the color. Yeah, because enough light would bounce off of that thing. It basically works like a solar sail. There are some theories out there on building spacecraft using the sun's photons as a kind of a sail, a sailboat, like a sail ship.

And you would constantly get energy from the sun, except the problem with that is that you have the R squared drop off. Like, the further way you get from the sun's source, the less you're going to get hitting your sail and eventually you'll run out of steam. But yeah, there are a lot of things out there. Who are you get to do all that painting? Space Mexicans. All right, guys.

That's my problem. Biggest problem in the universe, asteroids, I think. All right, that's a big problem. Thanks. I'm going to play some of these congratulations from former guests. Randy sent out to our former guests to call us and congratulate. Great, let's hear it, yeah. I want to play one from Ali Hassanine.

Is it Hasaninian or Hasanine? I think Hasanian. Whoa, I was way off. Great thumbnails. Oh, my God, that guy does amazing thumbnails. He did an amazing art piece to celebrate the 100th episode. I'll put it up on the side after this. But here's his congratulations.

Hey, everybody. Ali Hassanin here, this is how I talk. And just here to congratulate you on 100 week of the podcast. It's a really awesome job you guys do. And I guess now I'll get back to painting Maddoxon various costumes all day. Cool. Yeah. Smart.

Back to doing that. Who else do you want to do? Cool. Thanks, Ali. Wait, do you have the artwork here in the studio? No, I don't have any of it. Oh, he hasn't sent it in yet. Ali, by the way, guys, he's made some of the best thumbnails on this show.

We've had a lot of really talented people working on them. Jessica Saffron, Ali Hassanine, and then who else? We've had, uh, we have... Jack Tubbs. Yeah, Jack Tubbs. Clay Rotary. Clay, that's the other one I'm trying about. Clay, yeah, incredible, incredible artwork.

You guys, thank you so much for your hard work and dedication. I'm going to play this one from a fan favorite. Tim and James. You, congrats to everyone at the biggest prime podcast for making it to episode 100. Now, I'm going to give you a little sneak peek of something I've been working on since it's your 100 episode. Sneak peek of a Tim Chains album coming this summer. Made up, you's a bitch. Made up, you's a bitch.

Bitch, bitch. Go fuck yourself. Made up, you're a fucking bitch. This is hateful. I'll sue you. In the asshole. So this summer. It sounds like, what's his name?

No, no, the guy's like... Kanye? Folgers. Good to the last drop. You know who I'm talking about? The Folgers Crystall's Coffee commercial? No, no, the black guy, Warren, something. Why does race have to be brought in to it?

I was right there. Today's show is brought to you by Harries. Please visit Harries.com and use the promo code biggest problem to save $5 off your first purchase. Everybody's using Harry's. using Harries on this show, right? Yeah. The quality of the blade is better. This is the entire appeal of the product to me. It's a better shaving experience than anything I've ever used before. Why pay $32 for an eight pack of blades and you can get them for half the price at Harries.com. The Harry Starter set is an amazing deal. For just $15, you get a razor,

Moisturizing shave cream and three razor blades. How about that? Dick, there's a promo going on to. I don't know if you know about this, but, you know, I know there's a, sponsors of our show and sometimes they send us free product, but I actually purchased some Harry's stuff recently. Yeah, I've just been buying it because there's a really good promo going around too where I think if you invite a friend, you can get it basically for the cost of shipping, which is like three bucks. You'll get Harry sent right to your doorstep. Yeah, it's fantastic. It's a really good deal, guys, yeah. Then you can shave together. Friends who shave together stay together. True, that's true. That's the saying. Go right now. Over a million guys have already made the switch.

They got factory direct prices, cut out the middleman, ships right to your door. You don't have to screw around at the drugstore and they sell their blades for half the price of the leading brand. Okay. Fantastic. Thank you, Harry's, for supporting our show. Thanks for making this possible, guys.

Really appreciate it. We got a huge, huge event here, don't we? Oh, boy. We've been waiting 100 episodes for what's about to happen. Technically, we waited only 50 episodes for it to happen. We've been waiting 50 episodes for this to happen, haven't we, Sean?

We have. We've been waiting a lot of. long time. We've gotten, what would you say, a thousand requests for what's about to happen? I've gotten a lot of emails, I think thanks to you, mostly. Well, who can say? Who can say? We don't have a control. Somebody might have

told everyone to email you, telling you to bring in a problem, or they might have done it on their own. There's no way to find out. I did get those anyway. Okay. Sean, you want a drum roll for your problem? Well, no, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, because last time we did this, you deleted the problem. Sneakily.

Uh-huh. I want to make sure. I asked. Well, you ask like the mafia asks. Okay, so, yeah, so I brought in someone to help you keep your nerve up, someone you know, for this problem to encourage you. Let's have to bring in something I care about. No, no, no. I brought in Cool, Sean. Oh, you did.

Oh, you did. Oh, you did. Oh, you did. Oh, let's see what cool. I can't wait to hear this. This is what cool Sean has to say. Phenomenal. You can do it, Sean.

I believe in you. Now you have to believe in yourself. Oh, wow. Does that help? What a great voice. Yeah. Cool Sean. So if you ever feel like it's starting to fall apart,

just tell me, and I'll play you some encouragement from Cool, Sean. Oh, don't worry. This problem is all about falling apart. Sean with the zinger. Oh, yeah. Oh, man. We got to use that as a drop throughout the rest of the show forever. That's fantastic.

I'm already sick of it. I got one more. Hold on. You're the real cool, Sean, to me. Now, don't delete yourself. Yeah, don't delete yourself. All right, Sean, drum roll. You want drum roll for your problem? Thanks, cool, Sean.

Do whatever you want to do. Here you go, Sean. So your big problem debut is drinking like Rubio over there. That's big swing of water. During a drum roll, doesn't even want the drum roll at first. Only man in the world, hey, you want a drum roll? I don't care. Okay.

Go. I thought you were going to keep going. How long do you want that drum roll? I don't know, man. I'm milking this for all its work. All right. All right, Sean. What's your problem?

The biggest problem in the universe is crew neck t-shirts. You're blowing it, Sean. Is it really? Is that your problem, Sean with a zinger? Yeah. You know what? Dick wanted me to bring that in. Really?

He's like it would be such a fuck you to. listeners. That's not what I said. That is exactly what you said. Oh, man. No, for real, my biggest problem is addiction. Hey. Okay. This may be uncomfortable. For who?

For somebody sitting here. I look around the room and I see four men sweating. So possibly all of us. No, this is something that I, it's really the only thing I wanted to bring in because I know it really well. It's all throughout my family, including myself. Let me just get some boring stats out of the way. Because stats are really impersonal. I don't think anybody doesn't think this is a problem. No, and all stats are lies. 100% of the things you just said is false. They're very hard to quantify in this.

Well, sometimes it gives you perspective. It lets you know exactly how big a problem is compared to something else. Like, for example, asteroids, you're more likely to die from one from a... Than a shark attack. That's a fucking fact. That's a fucking fact. Vote down sharks, vote up asteroids. Anyway, so you were saying, Sean. I just read something about to be killed in a shark attack is something like 1 in 243 million.

Yeah. To be killed. Ah, you're judging the subject now. No, no way about it. Let's get into this. Just a little, real simple backbroad. There is so much literature on this. It's ridiculous.

For sure. This is all from Wikipedia because literally half of the addiction page is references. like citing studies and published. It's incredible. It's been studied it incredibly. So, okay, addiction is considered a disease and or a biological process or a disorder. It's a disorder of the brain's reward system after exposure to chronically high levels of an addictive stimulus. Huh.

That's always weird when they call it a disease. Yeah, is it a disease? Okay. Personally, I have a little bit of an issue with that. I prefer disorder because I can't put. a kid with leukemia on the same level as something that you can avoid. You can just stop doing. Yeah.

Yeah, even though sometimes it probably feels like you can't just stop doing. And if you're really bad, it's dangerous just to stop doing it. I mean, like cold turkey. Like, you know, if you're a really bad alcoholic to stop, you may go into like seizure and death. Yeah. But that's an extreme case. What if you look at like just a ton of porn? And you're like, oh man, I got to look at some porn today.

I'm starting to get the vapors. Well, in that case, you know, you may... You laugh, but it's a thing, man. No, your boner may explode if you don't regularly look at... I just read about... You know, so I don't want to derail your whole thing, Sean, with another penis anecdote. And if he opens a bottle of liquor in front of your face, by the way. Yeah, I'm thirsty.

It doesn't bother me a bit. No, but here's the thing. I just read, I don't want to derail the whole thing with another penis anecdote. But I did read about penises where they stay erect for two of... long, that, you know, that four-hour thing, whatever. What can happen is? Priypism. What's it called? Priapism, that's what it is.

Priapisia, I think. Yeah, maybe. Priapisia. No, it is. No, it is. Priapisha is what you put on your pubs. No, pisha, it's kidding. It actually is like hair. It makes dick. Anyway, what happens is the blood in your penis because it's not being circulated, gets cut off from oxygen, and starts coagulating, and then it can't get, it can't be released from the normal valve that it gets

out of. And so your penis sits there. It gets really painful and uncomfortable. And you can even lose your penis. You have to get it drained manually by a doctor. It's not fun. Wait a minute. Why do you know so much about this four-hour erection shit? That's weird.

Well, yeah. Those fucking can. That reaction is further weird. Why do you know so much about this four-hour erection thing? Those Canadian pharmacies, am I right? No, because I just watched a video on YouTube about this. The long erect penises? No, it's talking about there's a spider in Brazil that causes priapism.

Oh, okay. Anyway. Are you trying to import them? Put them on your website. Okay. Sean. So, yeah, going back to the disease disorder, call it whatever you want.

I know it can, you know, medically be classified as a disease. Like I said, I made the, you know, five-year-old with leukemia versus, you know, an adult who's, ultimately you're responsible for what you do. You may have gotten there for a number of reasons. They think that about 50, anywhere from 40 to 60 percent of it is genetic, and the rest is environmental, has always made perfect sense to me.

I never understood the nature versus nurture argument. 30 to 40% genetic? They think 40 to 60% genetic. So they basically put it somewhere around 50-50. And here's the genetic factor is a gene transcription called Delta Phosphi, which is a critical component and factor in virtually all forms of addiction. So there is a genetic factor for sure. Absolutely a genetic factor.

Oh, really? Oh, yeah. Oh. Actually, the... Good news. Don't. It's your fucking fault dick. The Delta Foss B is...

My jeans crashed my car. Yeah, yeah. It's used as an addiction biomarker. The Delta Foss B. So can you scan people in advance and say like, boom, you're going to be an addict? Possibly so. Oh, all right. Not going to be, because that's where the environmental part comes in.

Yeah. Just whether or not you have the proclivity to become an addict. Right. Okay. They think a lot of people start because it's like a... coping mechanism for growing up in a dysfunctional family. Tell me about it. Like mine.

Yeah. So, Sean, yeah, I want to hear about your addiction. You said you have addiction in your family and you dealt with it yourself. What are you addicted to? Like smelling dryer sheets? So I think I wanted to stay away from the stats because I think they're really impersonal and I'd rather focus more on how it affects relationships and people's families and things like that.

Well, with the problem like addiction for sure. We all think it's a huge problem because we're a huge problem because we are. all either affected by it directly or indirectly by somebody we know. I think almost every- Well, you can fix it. You can't. Absolutely, you can. You can fix addiction?

Yeah, people have, there are a lot of people have overcome their addiction. That doesn't mean fixed. I know what you mean. Yeah. I know what you mean. Oh, you mean if they try whatever it is. Asteroid, you blow it out of the sky. Addiction, that's a demon in all of us.

Well, I have a buddy of mine who was addicted to heroin. He was a huge drug addict, alcohol, everything, a huge, huge problem. And he's been sober. He just celebrated his 14th year of sobriety last week, which is a fantastic. I mean, that to me is you've solved the problem. Whatever the problem is, I mean, addiction, the underlying problems of addiction, which is whatever compulsion you may have genetically to be predisposed to doing it may still exist. But the conditions under which you can become an addict can be.

solved. Sean, I'd like to hear your opinion on that. You know, they say once an addict, always an addict. But yeah, you learn how to live sober. You learn how to be comfortable with all the different aspects of your life. There's a lot of reasons why people may start. A lot of times, yeah, they consider it a coping mechanism. And those people who are genetically predisposed to it, you know, are very likely to become addicts, alcoholics, you know, what have you. But as far as, or what are you saying, are you talking about just the person or the relationships being repaired? I'm saying the reason that we immediately react to thinking it's a huge problem is because it's not something that's easily curable. It's something that's totally out of everyone's control except for the person who's addicted.

Yeah, well, it's a lot more frightening than what the stats say. Yeah, no, it is. It's out of everybody else's control except that person, absolutely. And that's where a lot of addicts and alcoholics have kind of like a victim mentality, which I can relate to where it's like, you know, almost like you caused me to do this. or, you know, when I was the lowest, like, you left or, you know, it's, um, they say that, uh, alcoholics and addicts, they don't have relationships. They have hostages. Huh. And that's interesting.

There's a lot of truth to that because you, as a family member, you feel terrible. You feel like you're abandoning. What are you going to do? That was insightful as hell, Sean. I never thought of it that way. Oh, man. He knows me so well. doesn't he?

Okay, please continue. You've got a fucking grab bag full of those, don't you? I don't know. We'll see. That wasn't insightful, though. So, Sean and Dick, I disagree with most of what you guys are saying.

Wait, what? Wait, wait, you weren't finished with the hostage part, were you? I would say as family members or friends of that person, it's really hard to walk away because you feel like I've got to do everything I can,

but you end up getting pulled down by them. And I know that from relationships. And like a healthy person, they won't allow themselves to be caught up in that. You can support that person as much as you can. You can offer them all the help. But ultimately... But you get boiled slowly. Yeah.

Pulled in a little bit. Helping here and there. That's right. Sending them a text, asking them if they're okay. It all adds up. Well, guys, so this is the thing I disagree with. I totally agree with that it is like, you know, holding your friends hostage. It's like a hostage situation more than friendship.

But here's the problem, I think, that we are viewing addiction in a totally wrong way. Because of that study that I mentioned in the bonus episode, 133 on our website, check it out. It helps support the show. Thank you guys. But the, I linked to that video. Did you watch the video, Dick? No, God, no. I don't watch videos on my own video.

I didn't. I just heard what you said, and I think that is a huge oversimplification of the problem. Okay, well, it's a five-minute video based on a book that's a. someone wrote. So read the book if you were actually interested in it. So please over time. To have more into 30 seconds. Well, I do remember you saying like what we know about addiction is from a study. That's that's patently false. We've done so many studies and so much published literature. That's why I say it was radically oversimplified. Okay, Sean, but like just like our understanding of what we should have in our diet is based on some, some faulty

study or some faulty connection someone made to butter a long time ago because President Truman, I think, had a heart attack. So they said, okay, well, butter's bad. We shouldn't eat butter. But we've kept studying it. Well, yeah, we've kept studying it. But for years, that perception persisted in our minds, in our conscious, because of that misconceived study, right?

Yes. And it does. It stays in the public consciousness. Right. Even though it turns out to be false and people have known that it's false. The brontosaurus. I don't want to get off too much. The brontosaurus is a perfect example.

Right. There is no bronthosaurus. No bronis. Yeah, you know about this. No. Prove it. It's a... It's a patosaurus and a chimarasaurus.

They swapped the skulls or something like that. Whoever found that the dinosaur got the dinosaurs wrong, got the bones wrong. They mixed it up and created a species of dinosaur that never existed and called it a brontosaurus. There's no such thing as a bronosaurus. Yeah, and a hundred years later, people like me are finding out that's false, which completely trashed my childhood. Which is the reason I drink. There you go. So that gets me to what I take issue with, is that we view addiction as still a moral failing,

and it's a choice that people make, and they blame it on others, and I think that the truth is usually somewhere in the middle. It's neither entirely someone else's fault, but it's neither entirely your fault either. For example, if you're, because you mentioned this at the top of your problem, Sean, which is the family environment that you're raised in.

Oh, yeah. Right? I know where you're going, and I agree. There are reasons why you become. It's, like I said, environmental and genetic, but that doesn't mean as an adult, you're not responsible for doing something. about it. Well, what's your point, Maddox? What are you saying that we're not,

it's all on you. Yeah, it's 100% on you. Of course. No, because if you were raised without the proper education and state of mind and mental faculty to be able to recognize yourself and be cognizant of yourself and be self-aware enough to realize that you have a problem and you realize that the problem may be something that has to do that's been triggered psychologically from your upbringing and you don't pursue that help. Like, that's a huge, that's a huge leap to expect someone to know that about themselves. I think very few people are. You drink too much.

You drink too much. If you have outside, if you have outside friends or relationships, people don't tend to listen to them, and they probably should. Yeah. Because if somebody is concerned about you, you get this skewed perception, too,

and this goes to Maddox's point, where you tend to hang out with people who do the same thing as you. So you get this skew. True. True. True. So you get this very skewed, it's not a microcosm, you know, it's not a real sampling of what people do out there. And you put it on the other person, this goes back to kind of the victim, you know, thing where, well, not really the victim thing, but you say, you know, what's your problem? Like, why are you killing my fun?

Like, everybody does this. And you don't- Everybody does what? Dr. Everybody parties like this. Oh, yeah. You know, it's like, because it's like all of your friends and it's all the people you're associating with. But that's not the type of person. We're talking about two different profiles here. We're talking about someone in denial still

versus someone who realizes they have a problem, knows what the problem is, and then wants to go out and address it. That person is really rare. That person, and by the way, I think the problem is the reason that these people don't get that help is because they may feel judged. They may feel like everybody sees it as a moral failing.

And a lot of times it's not. If you watch that video, I'll link to it on the website again. It's from In a Nutshells of the YouTube channel. Highly recommend everyone watch this video. I've been proselytizing this video for so long, but it is a connectedness problem. It's a problem with connectedness, not a problem necessarily with other people, you mean? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Man, that's the, well, yeah. There's certainly an element of that. It's, that's the primary, I mean, that's the variable that they change in that study, and they found a vastly different outcome with rats who were addicted to cocaine and rats who weren't. But we got plenty of people to study. Like, it's nice that a rat in a cage reacted exactly in this very simplistic way to addiction. But we've got millions of people who are addicts and who have support networks who are harmed by addiction to study.

And it's not as clear-cut as that. It seems to be the ones of my friends. Yeah, it's just not. Look, my friends, personally, from my own personal experience and my anecdotes, my friends who have been addicted to drugs and alcohol, for the longest time, I can't say the name of this person. He's kind of a minor celebrity. Just make up his name. My friend. Your friends.

Timmy... A friend... Johnny the drinker. Yeah, a guy the drinker, right? Huge, huge problem with alcohol and drugs. It's basically ruined his career. And everybody, everybody came down on him. I mean, this guy's kind of a public figure, so like the world came down on this guy.

Is it Mickey Rourke? No, that's true. I'm not going to say. I'm not going to say here. You feel like you're being accused. Exactly. And that sense of judgment comes from our belief, based on that old school study, right or wrong, and whether or not we've studied it, but based on that, our belief that it's still a moral failing.

Right. And then judging people. judging people for it and then they feel less connected. They feel more isolated and more likely to turn back to drugs. However, there has been a recent change in this guy.

He's come off the wagon. Is that the right phrase? Yeah, you can say fall off the wagon. He's on the wagon. Okay, he's not drinking. He's not drinking. He's not drinking. He's not on the wagon. He's not.

And it has a lot to do with a personal friend of mine who befriended him and they were both addicts and he realized like, look, I get it. This is a really shitty situation. but you need someone on your side.

You need that support network. And I know you're going to fail, but I got to be there for you until you get back on off the wagon. That's the whole point of the support groups and things like that, which I don't do, by the way. I didn't get sober that way.

So what was your addiction, John? A lot of people do, alcohol. Oh, you're an alcohol. Oh, yeah, alcohol. Oh, yeah, alcohol. They say, you know, once always. You know, I've heard a lot of the 12-step, you know, programs. I tried some meetings.

Didn't really fit for me. Because of all the God stuff? Yeah. I mean, that's a big, reason. But you know what they always say that's, you know, take what you need and you don't have to buy everything, hook, line, and sinker. It's like a buffet. Going back to, yeah, but going back to your point, yeah, the support network is important. And then going further back, well, I can talk about that. The responsibility thing, you're right. It's not, if your family, if you grow up dysfunctional, you think, I thought my family was normal for a long time. It's like, oh, everybody's got shit. It wasn't until I started learning about myself and learning about really outside people and how a lot of people, you know, I put normal in quotes, because there is really no normal.

But it's like... It's more normal, though. Like, there is a normal. I mean, you can use that without having to qualify it. There is. There is a normal. It's the middle of the bell curve, right? Yeah.

But it's really, the more you know about kind of other people, you kind of learn a lot about yourself. And you start thinking, you know, maybe they could be right. Because like I said, you've got this real... About what? from some of the studies I've read, they think that most alcoholics and addicts are actually, there's some honesty going on in there in that they feel that they have momentum. They're like, well, it's not a problem now, but I feel like I could go that way because,

man, when the right chemical hits you, you go, this is what I like. And it's different. Like in my family, it could be cocaine, could be alcohol, could be speed. and there always seems to be one that just talks to you. You go, yes, this is for me. And you go, this could be a problem, but you push it down the line. And then you become like the great rationalizer.

Well, so something I've kind of noticed in the comedy scene in Los Angeles is there are a lot of addicts in that scene. Oh, yeah. There's some really unhappy people with fucked up lives and the comedy is a coping mechanism. They turn to comedy as a coping mechanism

and then they still have drugs and alcohol as a crutch as well. And I have noticed something about some of these people, like people who smoke compulsively. And I know people who smoke weed here and there, and it's not a problem, but people who smoke compulsively, do drugs compulsively, they have interpersonal relationship problems. They're not able to hold down a relationship. They're not able to hold down friends.

They're not able to keep a connection with their family. They're not able to have those type of connections in their lives. And they seem to be doing so much drugs and smoking so much and drinking so much because they don't want to confront their personal feelings about these problems that they're having. Correct. It's kind of like it's their escape mechanism from confronting their own inner demons. That's right. That's what I see in the comedy scene.

And Dick, you have dealt with addiction as well. Do you want to talk about that? What do you mean? Do you or not? Do I want to talk about what? Have you ever dealt with addiction? Because you were agreeing with Sean earlier. Well, I mean, I was really into like just-caused.

too. Yeah. I played that for too long. Pretty fun. No, if you just, what, you're just a blanket statement? If you want, whatever you want to share? I think there is a huge reason to come down on addicts from a position of moral authority. You talked about them as a moral failing.

I think the worst thing you could do with an addict is try to support them. I think you should, the reason people react like that is not because it's some kind of brainwash thing in them, but it's because it's because. they recognize this person is a toxic influence in their life and they need to excise it as hard as possible because it's so difficult. So I don't think that's ever going to change. I don't think socialization and getting a bunch of people together is really the panacea for addiction. I don't know, maybe the Oculus Rift is. You plug your brain in and you can, I'm serious. You can build your own fake reality where everything's perfect and you don't need drugs anymore.

But that'll have to be a hell of a piece of software to compete with the bottle of. look or buddy i got one for you i got the google cardboard over the i went to a vr seminar at the youtube studios recently and i want you to try it after have you ever ever tried i've never tried any of this vr shit oh man you're gonna love it it's gonna be great um so so dick on your point though that you think that uh that people who want to excise these these toxic people out of their lives look i get that because sometimes when you are in a toxic environment you need to do what's best for yourself and get out of it but the people i'm talking about who have found connection and have solved their addiction, or at least, yeah, solve their addictive habits, are people

who have connected with other addicts, because other addicts are the people who are going to be your friends sometimes, and it's got to take two. They understand. Yeah, they understand. They understand what you're going through. They understand what it's like. And I have friends who are severe addicts, and I try not to judge. I try not to, I try to put myself in their shoes, and you got to understand that sometimes people

are going through stuff that you can't even fathom, that you do. don't understand that you don't have a full grip on. And it's easy to point your finger and say, fuck you, you're an addict, fuck you for doing this, fuck you for ruining your life, and destroying your friendships and everything like that. But you got to try to step back and get a little bit of perspective and understand while still taking care of yourself.

Don't be in that toxic environment, but also try not to be so judgmental of people who are addicts. Yeah, well said. Well, yeah, I come down on the other side of that, obviously. You got any more? Yeah, yeah, I do. Just a little more on a personal level. I wrote down immediate family, extended family, aunts, uncles, grandparents.

I did this yesterday, actually, cousins, people that I had regular exposure to growing up. I came up with 33 names. Of those, there are 18 addicts and or alcoholics. Right down the middle. No, it's higher. Higher, yeah. 18. Yeah, 18, which is a huge number compared to, like, you know, world statistics, right?

So, including five out of six. six in my immediate family. Whoa. Five of six. Are you the six that isn't? Oh, no, I am. You are? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But you, how long have you been sober now? Almost four years. Four years sober, not a drink. No. Good for you. No. Good for you. Fantastic.

You will not be having any of this whiskey, which I just opened during the addiction problem and started drinking. I said at the beginning. Yeah. So in my family, it's resulted in trouble with the law, work, relationships, suicide attempts and death. Wow. Not to mention

sleeping with ugly people. Oh, huge. I've woken up a couple at times and looked for a chew toy to throw so I could get the fuck out of there. For her, for you. Look, Sean, I've

dealt with addiction myself and in my family. For me, I've been fortunate enough to not be addicted to any kind of substance. By the way, this whiskey that I'm drinking right now is the first drink I've had in over a month and a half. I just don't drink anymore. It's just not something I do that much. I haven't been addicted to drugs or smoking or any of that other stuff.

For me, Dark Souls. Dark Souls for real, absolutely, actually. Dark Souls 2. When Dark Souls 2 came out, I was writing, I am better than your kids, my second book. And I remember I was coming home, and a buddy of mine was at my apartment. And I called him up, I'm like, hey man, can you do me a favor? He goes, yeah, anything. And I said, can you walk over to my PlayStation 3, eject the disc, and then hide it from me?

And then no matter what I say when I come home, don't give it to me. And he goes, yeah, no problem. And then I come home and I'm like, hey, look, man, I changed my mind. It was a huge mistake. Just give me the disc. I was just fucking around on the phone.

He goes, I'm not going to give it to you. I'm like, okay. But for real, give me the disc. I want the dish. Is it going to turn into an erotic story? Are you hoping I slip up and say dicks instead of discs? No, I'll suck your dick for Dark Souls 3. Have you ever sucked dick for weed?

Yeah. So I started badgering him for the disc Like at first he was kind of jockey But then near the end I started getting really mean with my friends And I would say It's addiction I would say yeah it was addiction

And I started saying shit like Okay fine fuck it I don't want the disc anymore And he's like what do you mean? I'm like I guess you know a lot of people work really hard And they deserve some time off And they deserve to enjoy themselves But not me

Yeah And I started gilting him My poor friend who's doing nothing But like what I asked him to do in my best interest, and I started guilting him. So that was me with video games, and for a little while, back when I was younger in college still, I a little bit, I think I was addicted to porn for a little while,

because I was in Utah, porn addiction is huge. In Utah. The masturbating or the porn? Well, I mean, would you just like watch? Like, that state is so repressed, isn't it? Yeah, it's weird, because sometimes I remember I would lose track of time, and it would be hours had gone by, and I wasn't even like doing, I was just looking.

growing on some jerking off. I was looking, but I've kicked that habit. I don't, you know, I'm not compulsive about porn. I'm not compulsive about, well, I am about Dark Soul 3 and it's not a problem. Except for when book deadline. Like, how many authors have missed book deadlines because of liquor? Probably a lot. Or made them because of liquor.

Nope. Thompson. Hunter is Thompson? Hemingway, maybe? No. Yeah, and you know what? And they were both miserable people. Yeah, they were. Miserable people.

And, oh, one last note, in my family. personally, there has been gambling addiction in my family, and it has wrecked. It's all about the reward section of your brain. That's how that gets reinforced. Well, that's, yeah, that's part of it. And it changes your brain. But honestly, Sean, I go back to that video. Yeah, it totally does. I go

back to that. Yeah, it does. It does rewire your circuitry because if you keep doing those same patterns in your brain, you're going to keep doing those same patterns in your brain. But this gambling addiction has wrecked my family. It has been so devastating. devastating to my family,

interpersonal relationships, huge problems, all sorts of, every aspect of life you can imagine has been affected by this. And I go back to that video about addiction and think about the environment

and how connected you are to people, and I can see that problem permeating throughout my family. And people in my family, you know, the ones who are addicted to things, usually I look at their lives and their surroundings and they're in toxic environments

that make them unhappy. Oh, no, I agree 100%. And that's exactly, I think, What is the petri dish for addiction? Yeah, I see, well, yeah, I see what you're saying. The incubator. But, again, I'll go back to the responsibility part on the part of that person. I'm big into that because, like I said, you can become an addict or an alcoholic or whatever.

And, you know, you bring up the other addictions, which is good. I'm focusing on drugs and alcohol because it's what I know. Yeah. You were saying, oh, it's a big leap for them to realize that they have a problem and that kind of a thing. possibly so, but at some point you have to know that you're not happy. Well, sure. I mean, you can only talk yourself into it. There was moments when I was drinking where it was like a hole opened up and I couldn't

imagine feeling worse. Everything was a hopeless. It was, life was just hopeless. And if that had lasted more than about an hour, I would have killed myself that day. No hyperbole. Hyperbola. No, you were right. Was I?

Yes. He always fucks it up. Oh, okay, yeah. You know, a quick aside. The only reason I know that word is hyperbola instead of hyperbole is because the first time I encountered it was in mathematics, not in English. Yeah. So it is hyperbole? It's hyperbole.

You said it right, Sean. I was just busting on myself. But, Sean, I'm glad that you were able to kick the addiction for four years, and I'm glad you got out of that dark spot. That sounds... I mean, for people who have not been addicted to anything, You're very fortunate. Consider yourself very lucky because it is devastating when it happens. And to be able to function with addiction.

And, you know, Sean, you hit on a point here. You said that addicts have to know that they're not happy. I don't think that a lot of addicts are under any kind of delusions that they're happy. I know personally people whose family has been destroyed because their family came to them and said, you have a choice to make, you can choose drugs or you can choose us. Right. And they said, I choose drugs. Yeah.

Then you feel worse. Yeah, of course. But they're not happy people. They're not happy people. They're not happy. And they're not under any kind of delusions that they're doing the right thing in life. And I think that honestly, the help that these people need sometimes, if we maybe looked at them with a little less judgment and a little bit more empathy, we could probably make a little bit more headway.

I mean, how did you solve your addiction, John? by learning about myself. Okay. Yeah, I went to talk to somebody for years. And the more I found out about myself, it was why I felt this way, how my family came into it. And it's a long process because contrary to popular belief, like a therapist, they don't tell you what to do.

If you have a therapist who's telling you what to do, get rid of that therapist. Wait, what? That's not what they tell you to do. Oh. They don't tell you to do any. No, their job is to... makes me do. Is that wrong? Their job is to get you thinking. Yeah. And asking questions. And they're supposed to use the Socratic. If they do it for you, you're not doing it. It's not yours.

Right. You can't be lectured on how to change. You have to come to those connections and they have to lead you there in a way that makes you discover the solution yourself. And so they feel true. And when I dealt with a lot of that stuff, I didn't feel the need to get out of my head so much. I agree. And I was able to just kind of put it down. And I didn't, I didn't trade booze for Jesus or for for like working out 10 hours a day, like, you know, one compulsive behavior for another. Okay, working out. No, it can equally,

it can be equally devastating. There's, there's, um, there's, if it impacts your relationships, I guess, I mean, I mean, there are people who trade one addiction for another, and it becomes something that you would do compulsively

that is unhealthy for you. Like, anything you do compulsively, even eating healthy, exercising, anything it is, can be, if you do it compulsively, can be devastating to you and your friends and your relationships.

Yeah, and that sudden, change trading, you know, one thing for another, it often doesn't last. Yeah, I've seen it happen in friends of mine. Sean, so it sounds like therapy has helped and therapy does help sometimes. It's the best thing I've ever done. So I would recommend for anyone listening, if you guys are struggling with addiction, see a therapist, but don't look at, like, there's a stigma associated with therapy that I would hope that America can get, can move past because therapy does not mean that there is something necessarily wrong or broken about you, but sometimes. Sometimes you go to a therapist to learn about yourself.

And it's only through this learning process that you're able to solve your problems like addiction. Therapy is the crucial component in that healing process. You know what? I'm a whatever works guy. Yeah. Really. I mean, whatever helps you not destroy relationships, you know, works. I guess I don't relate to the trading, you know, drugs or alcohol for one thing or another. We're going really long. I apologize. No, it's fine, Sean.

What Sean is trying to say is vote up pragmatism on these solutions. Exactly. Yeah, where do you think addiction belongs in the big list? You think it's worse than horses? Man, I hate horses. Yeah, it's true. I'm going to bring glue in as a solution. We had to make mules because horses suck.

Yeah. Fucking horse for work and stuff. You didn't make that point. Oh, that was a good one, Sean. Hey, hilarious. Thank you, cool, Sean. What a voice. What a voice on that guy.

Yeah, he's great. It's got one of those three-ball voices. What's that mean? It's got three balls. Exactly what it sounds like, yeah. Sean, great problem. Thank you for sharing your personal stories and insight. Yeah, thanks.

It's what I know. Yeah, yeah. If you guys are struggling with this, you know, learn about yourself and talk to a therapist. There's the website. I think it was called Therapeutic.com where you could go and find a therapist that would match whatever you were looking for if you were dealing with, you know, whatever kind of problems. And different therapists have different styles and approaches.

So if you go to a bad therapist, don't discount old therapists. Talk to another one. See if you can find one. Oh, there's some crazy motherfuckers out there. Sure. There are people who believe, who approach psychological healing through spiritualism. There are people who approach psychological healing through connectedness and group therapy and conversation and psychology and science. It runs the gamut.

Find one who works with you. And why limit yourself to the, you know, of available options? Yeah, and you might be surprised that you think you sit down in an office and you talk to a therapist and they're just going to tell you how to fix your life. No, that's not what they're supposed to do at all. No, and yeah, like what Sean said, Ron. I think that's more like a life coach or something. Yes, get a life coach. They're great.

Oh, perfect. All right, Dick. Well, thank you, Sean. Finally, for our 100th episode. Thanks for bringing a problem in. There you go. And you know what? People have emailed me a lot on this.

They said, I heard you say something on the show. Like, what's that about? About addiction? Yeah, about that kind of stuff. So, I mean, I love it when I get those kind of emails. Yeah. Because sometimes I'll say something, they'll go like, yeah, I know exactly what you mean. I get a lot of emails on asteroids.

I have no idea what you mean. I just like the taste of whiskey. Asteroids may be a bigger problem. Yeah, they are for sure, for sure. All right. All right, I'm going to play a couple more greetings from these guys. This one's from Elisar. Does he have a, he's got a different name on the thumbnails.

It's tartar. Tatar. He goes by Tartars. Yeah. He also makes thumbnails. Thank you. Yeah. He sent in and congratulations.

Hey guys. Eli Azar Tatar here, your resident Photoshopper. Congrats on the 100th episode. This may very well be the only podcast that is truly unskippable. You guys don't rely on celebrities, pop culture, or stupid gimmicks.

Just genuine comedic genius. It's been an honor listening and working with you guys. Skip. Hey. To all the fans out there. Whoever brings in accountability is going to win.

It's the biggest problem in the universe as well as the biggest solution. That's all right. That's a great problem. No, no, it's not. No. We already brought in the two big A problems this week, which is asteroids and addiction. We don't need another A problem, and it's not going to trump those.

You're a letterist. Yeah. Yeah. I'll find out. All right, here's one from Denzel. You remember Denzel he brought in being black? I'd love it if he would come back. Me too.

He could talk about just about anything and have some insight. Let's see how he does in this 30-second clip first. Hey, it's Denzel, aka Black Kermit V. Frog. Congratulations on making it to 100 episodes. You guys have some of the most entertaining content available for free. It's a tough feat, especially considering that most podcasts on the internet are boring, pretentious, and horseshit. Shoutouts to Randy, Sean, Dick, and Maddox. You guys put on a wonderful show every week.

Thanks again for having me, and here's to 100 more episodes. Hey. Hey, very cool. Awesome. Thank you, Denzel. I knew he was cool when he laughed at my like immediately race. this joke. The wallet joke. Yeah. I was glad because he's a huge dude.

All right. Mine's a pretty simple problem. Way bigger than addiction, though. I'm sure. Yeah. Way bigger than asteroids. Oh, yeah? Yeah. What do you got? Women. Hmm. It's certainly more people. My hands on the buzzer or the dinger. I don't know which one to press dick.

Can't live with them. That's it. Period. That's my whole problem. There you go. Voted up. Oh, boy. Stats.

Sean. We're going to need some stats. What do you need? How many are there? I don't know. That's why I said it. I brought in the Wikipedia about it. Wikipedia defines a woman as a female human.

What? That's true. The term woman is usually reserved for an adult, with the term girl being used for a female child or adolescent but we all know what they really are deceitful succuby oh boy

who are only who are only after one thing that's in Wikipedia yes but we don't know what that one thing is do we that's the problem if we could ever find out what they wanted and we'd all be happy

yeah but we can't figure it out no more addiction no more addiction yeah good woman will fix that right up right Sean yeah sure the stats prove that If she's an addict. If she brings the chew toy back.

Hey, this has been, I think, the most Dick Masterson episode we've had. This is a very Dick Masterson problem. What do you mean? What do you mean? What do I mean? You are the author of men are better than women. Look, it's up to the audience. I'm just bringing in the problem. Oh, as an objective, you know, as an objective narrator.

No, what's the word? Order? Order, sure. Yeah. What are you saying? I've done more for women than pretty much. anyone else, I would say. Oh, you've done things to women, for sure, yeah. He's certainly up the lesbian population. Yeah, for sure. He's, he's up to, yeah, sure, because they can just

turn it on and off. You're right, Sean. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. He's up the level of misandry, I would say, huh? Maybe a little bit? Because I'm real with them. That's why. Real talk. We all appreciate real talk, right? This is, we'll rename the show to real talk. Maybe that'll be the name of the new network coming out. Teach a man to fish. You feed him for a day. Yeah. But teach Amanda to fish, you're going to have a bad day.

That's real talk. That's real talk. Yeah, that's real talk. Look, it's pretty much impossible to have sex with women. Is that true or false? True, it's true. That's true. For a gay man, it would be important.

possible to have sex with a woman. Either way. Either way. Impossible. There's a lot of like older gay guys have families and stuff. That's true. That's true, Sean. Yeah, gay or straight.

It's just as hard. Look, I have no problem having sex with women. Okay. We're not all you. Yeah. Well, let's, let's, you vote it down then. Do you want lessons? Do you want, I can give tutorials.

Doesn't matter. All the tutorials in the world. Banging tutorials. Yeah. With Maddox. Why did we, why did we invent all this birth control if it's so hard to have sex? all the time. That's all I'm asking.

What are you talking about so hard? Why does it take women so long to get ready? Hmm. Big problem. Are you going to say that that's not a problem? See, here's the thing, Dick. The only person you've ever had sex with in the room other than the girl is yourself. So the one variable that you can...

Wait, other than a girl, what are you talking about? No, there's only two people in the room. Sometimes, I don't know, maybe your life coach jerking off in the corner. I don't know what's going on in your bedroom. I don't want to, you know, no judgments, no asking. Right? But the only other person in the room, other than the girl, usually that you're having sex with, is you. So the one variable that's, that can be changed in that equation is you.

Maddox, why does it take them so long to get ready? That's the real question. That's what I'm saying. It's you. No, to go out. Oh, to go. Not talking about sex all the time. All the time.

What am I doing? I don't, I got to wait for you to do what? Why did you tell me to come over at? six, but you're not ready until like 620. I don't have time to play a video game. I just got to sit there and stare at the wall. You know what my move is? This drives every girl I've ever dated crazy. Go sit in the car.

Yeah. And I tell them right before I do it, say, while they're still prepping their hair and stuff. And I don't know, I learned this move from my dad, and I don't know why it pissed off my mom so much, but I tried it with a girl I was dating. I'd go up to her while she's getting her and I'm like, okay, I'll be out in the car. and they instantly zero to 60 their fuse explodes they get so pissed off they're like fuck you

I'm getting ready I'm putting on my I'm to do my shoe my purse blah blah blah blah this is not a good start to a date two people

maybe for you this is your dream date two people pissed off at each other screaming in a car oh man it's so much fun you know what guys anyone listening right now in a relationship

so like what four or five of you uh try this with your wife or girlfriend next time she's getting ready just say, I'll be out in the car, see how pissed off that makes her. I don't know why, would that piss you off, Dick? If you got in your car right now and left, no.

Why can women never decide what to have for dinner? Oh, that's a big, that's a fucking, oh, yeah. The hell is the problem. Amen to that. It's so common that there's even a meme that's going around with, what's his name from Dawson's Creek, whatever. Or no, I don't know, I don't know, who the celebrities are, but it's the guy who's asking

a girl is saying, what do you want? Oh, it's from the notebook. See? You never know. He goes, what do you want? She goes, I don't know. He goes, what do you want? She goes, I don't know. I had pizza. What do you want? She goes, I don't know. I can't. Just, you know what, guys? Make a decision. Here's the thing, Dick. I've dated girls before where I asked them what they want, and it's like, I don't know.

And I say, look, sweetie, you're not going to get your way 100% of the time. In fact, it's going to be more like 50% of the time. just curious in case what you want is what I want, because then we don't have to have this debate. You're not going to get your way all the time. I'm not going to get my way all the time. Look at this stress and aggravation that's being caused to you. This is, I, this is sweaty as I've been. Yeah. On you. It's assault. It's assault. Hashtat yes all men. Speaking of crime, a thousand murders every year are perpetrated by women.

That's a lot of murdering. A thousand? Yeah. That's it? What do you mean, that's it? That's a thousand people. In the U.S.? In the U.S.? In the U.S.? In the U.S.? According to the FBI.

More than I would have thought, I guess. A lot. That's a lot. There's like about, what, is it like 15,000? It doesn't matter. That doesn't matter. That's a fallacy. That's a two quoket fallacy.

I looked it up. Really? Yes. That means other people are doing it too, so it's a fallacy. It's still murder, Sean. It's still a thousand murders. You know what, Dick?

It's taken 100 episodes for someone to mention that on this show, but that is a fallacy that I commit a lot. And no, and people rarely... You do the entire list all the time. No, I don't know. Your middle name is straw man. You're the fucking straw man.

You're the straws man I've ever met in my life. I can't even see you. All I see is straw. Anyway, man. Did you know that men... Men are more likely... Are 14 times more likely to be arrested for drug crimes?

Yeah, I believe it. Why aren't women out there selling any drugs? If you want to get drugs, you've got to find a guy. You know, I am curious about that statistic, dig, because I recently looked this up. 91% of incarceration are men. Uh-huh. 91% of people who are in prison are men today. Hey, speaking of prison, how about shows like Bachelor and The Voice?

Garbage. They're horrible. Yeah. They're all driven by women. It's three hours of nonsense. of brain-numbing, escapist nonsense. It's totally different than football, too, because I want to watch football.

Oh, man. Women, right? Fat ads, fat women in ads. Remember when ads used to all be hot chicks? You know, like, hey, you want to buy some soap? Check out my tits. I'm like, well, I'm not going to buy that soap, but I'll take you up on the looking at the tits, right?

My lady? Like, spoken like a true feminist. Right? Not anymore. No. Now they got King Hippo up there selling me soap. I don't want to buy soap from King Hippo. Why not?

You know what? I would trust a fat person to sell me soap more than a skinny person because a skinny person uses less of it. Credit cards. Yeah, fat person's got to be really conscious about that. Yeah, because you've got to get under your boobs. Fat man or woman, you got to wash under your boobs. How about credit cards? What about it?

66% of women have credit card debt compared to 33% of men in a certain age group. Well, apparently I didn't write this that down very well. No. I have nightmares of women getting a hold of my credit card. I wake up from, I mean, I'm in a cold sweat. My phone's lighting up of huge purchases going through. I'm freaking out. I opened the door to try to get my credit card back

and there's an avalanche of credit card bills pouring in from Tiffany's and Nordstroms and Whole Foods. Whole Foods, that's perfect. Yeah, so I call 911, right? To report all these stolen credit cards. Right. Email dispatcher.

Yeah. That's what you get. And I go, no! And I wake up. Yeah. How about, this is interesting, actually. Weddings. $50 billion dollar index.

Oh my gosh. Tell me about it. Half that's been out of my pocket, I think. Women initiate 70% of divorces. Really? Yeah. Huh. Guess how many non-marriage breakups are initiated by women? 50. It's right down the middle.

So marriages are initiated more by them. Isn't that interesting? Yep, yep, yep. It's interesting. Mm-hmm. Very interesting. Why is that? Why is that, Sean?

Do you speculate? I don't know. I don't know. I have an unrelated. stat that 3% of alimony is paid by men. Well, actually, Sean, it's because most women, one out of every two women is in a domestic violence situation, and one out of every two women is waived. Is that true?

No. Oh. Let's see, I got, I probably got one more. Wait, 3%? What? Go back to that. Yeah. Say that stat again, I missed it. 3% of alimony is paid by men? Something like that? 3% paid by men? That's what this thing I saw on Forbes? That's what this thing I saw by men? I don't know. I was looking up on my phone, though. I don't know, guys. It's got to be weird.

Women. Wait, here's when I actually do. Okay, so check this out for driving, right? This study did, they did researchers who studied thousands of traffic accidents over 20 years. They found that, they found that the rate of accidents for miles driven was about even. However, these guys looked up women-on-women accidents, and it was like, it blew over the stats by like 50%. Like they expected, per miles driven, it was supposed to be like 16%, but they found that the amount of side swiping was like, 50% or something like that, compared to 16%.

You got a honk. So, for all the guys making self-driving cars, it's cool to make chick robots, but for the cars, make sure they're male robots, self-driving cars. How about this one? All of these jokes that I've just told you were written by a woman.

Were they really? Oh, look at them. No joke. Who's a woman? They weren't. No, okay. You could imagine. Fucking ass.

All right. You get a buzzer and a clap. That's it. That's all you got on women. You think 50% of the population is a problem. Why do they take so long to text back? I never, never a problem with me, Dick. What are they doing?

Right? I'm just trying to bang to get some action as quickly as possible here. What's the delay? Hmm. What's, what are you doing? Why is there the long plot? You're texting girls. Three hours to text back?

You're texting girls. They're playing games with you, man. What's going on? That's a game. They're playing a game. Because girls know, sometimes, like, I hate the society that we were raised in because women think that if you reply too quickly to a text, and sometimes men think this too, but if you reply too quickly, you seem needy or you seem too available, and that lowers your

value in their minds. So sometimes they'll wait an hour, they'll wait two hours, they'll wait a day. You know what, guys and girls, cut the shit out. You like someone, text them back. The movie Swingers did a whole thing on that. Oh, did they? Yeah, I've never seen it. Yeah, trying to figure out how many days to wait.

Oh, I have blown off girls who were really interested in me because they took too long to reply. And I specifically told a girl one time. She texted me, we went out on a great first date, fantastic, went out on a great second date, hooked up. Everything's going great, right? Texted her the next day. I'm like, hey, what are you doing today? Didn't get back to me until two days later. I'm like, sorry, dating someone else.

Later, haughty. The whole, yeah, playing the, that's kid shit. It's kid shit, right? And she even acknowledged, she even told me, too. Later, she confessed. Years later, she said, hey, sorry it took so long to reply. I just thought that you would think that I was too available if I texted you. I'm like, yeah, that's what I was checking, was your availability that day to see if you wanted to hang out.

You didn't reply to me, so I assumed you didn't. Move on. Hey, speaking of kids shit, babies. Oh. Yeah. Can you imagine if babies were like a nuclear launch... A hundred percent of babies come from women. Yes, they do.

Do they? Don't, aren't there a couple from test tubes? Sean? I don't know. You can make a test tube? I thought you had to implant it somewhere. Yeah, you do. If babies worked like a flower pot.

Nuclear launch codes where both people had to turn the key, yeah. There would be no more babies. No more babies. That's it. It would be beautiful. No toddlers. No anybody.

You guys like kids, though. What the fuck are you talking about? You guys both like kids. Yeah, sure. They're great. You can't have kids without babies. We'll get around that. Oh, my gosh.

It's like I'm sitting in a room with no ma'am from married with children. I think we're talking about that on the way over, actually. Were you really? I think so. Perfect. Great. I like women. I think women are great.

They're great for a lot of things. Oh, no. Okay. That's my problem. I like women. I think women are great. I don't think that women are a problem. Okay.

I think some women are a problem, just like some men are a problem. How about that dick? We'll see. I don't know. We'll see. We'll see. Asteroids, women, addiction, I guess we'll see. Asteroids, I think legitimately, of all the problems we've brought in in our entire 100 episodes,

asteroids is the biggest problem in the universe. I know. It has the potential. Well, I mean, anything that has the potential to wipe out 100% of life on Earth is the biggest problem in the universe. Yeah, that's a big one. Or life in the other universe. You know what, Dick, maybe we haven't discovered those other aliens because they've been wiped out by asteroids.

Vote it up. Vote up asteroids. Guys, I have one more package before we close up the show. This is a long episode. I think the longest one we've ever done on our 100th episode. But I got a package here. It's from Heather Carrick. Heather Carrick, she sent this package for our 100th episode with an envelope says Dick and Maddox, happy 100.

On the back it says, Sean, better not delete his problem. Sean. She says, Hey, Dick and Maddox, happy 100 episodes. I bought a Christmas present for Dick, but obviously took my time mailing it, so now it's a 100 episodes gift.

I also made coasters for you guys. I tried to find a picture of Sean, but no luck. If you post one, I'll make one for him as well, and boisterous too. Also giving you a drone stamp. An artist made them to protest drone strikes tonight thought you'd appreciate it. Keep up the good work.

No need to go fuck yourselves today, Heather. Happy, she said it's a birthday card, says happy birthday, and she scratched out birthday, says 100 episodes. Oh, that's cool. There's a horse on the cover. Yeah, there's a horse and says Maddox, I'm laughing at you.

Thank you, Heather, and let's see these coasters. Oh, wow, look at these coasters. Oh, that's neat. Wow, these are really cool coasters. Look at that shit. Very cool. Heather, thank you so much. These are fantastic coasters.

Really cool. Wow, I didn't even know you could do that. They look like they've been branded. They look like they're coffee colored on the outside, and they're on cork board, perfect coasters, and then she sends us these little gifts, little gift-wrapped boxes. Oh, that's nice.

One for Dick and I guess one for me here, or maybe Sean. Let's see. Mine is emergency underpants. That's great. One pair, I guess they're really smushed down here in like vacuum packed. That's fine.

One pair, uh-oh, emergency underpants. One pair fits most adults, always ready to use. That is awesome. It's like smaller than a pack of cigarette. That's a good idea. Put that in my car. And Heather sent me the drone. In drones we trust stamp.

It's actually a little stamp, a little wooden stamp, and it has a drone on it. And it says in drones we trust on this letter. And I guess it's to protest drone strikes. Very cool. Always shoot drones. Vote up drones, people. But vote up asteroids. Biggest problem in the universe.

All right, guys, I think that concludes our 100th episode. We did it. 100 episodes. Amazing. I look forward to this show every week. It's probably sadly the most fun thing I do. That is really sad. Guys, my problem this week was asteroids.

My problem's women. Oh yeah, my problem's addiction. I'm not used to this. Oh, man, I had a great voicemail from Matthew McConaughey, but my shit's out of batteries. Yeah, I would like to personally extend my thank you to Sean and Dick and Randy and Astorios and Aaron Tillman and Robin Higgins and Leah Tishone and Roger Barr and Ron Babcock and Buckley, Nathan Buckley, and all the get, and Ryan Holiday and all the guests who've ever been on the show. And Denzel, everyone, thank you for making the show possible. We really appreciate it. Here's to a hundred more. There's lots more to come. Very exciting times. Thank you. And you're welcome.

Hey, guys. This is Roger Barr, and I just wanted to congratulate you on 100 episodes. Well, I guess congratulate is the wrong word. It's just kind of sad, really. That's 100 episodes. That's just sad. But on the bright side, you know, you're done now. I mean, surely you're not going to keep doing this shit, right? So, yeah, I mean, you got all kinds of things to look forward to once you put this stupid podcast behind you. So keep your chin up, all right? And by the way, please tell your producer he owes me 50 bucks for recording this for you. Thanks, guys. Did you tell people we're going to pay them?

No, okay. Good. Always Roger. Ball-busting Roger Bar. Hey, it's Robin Higgins. Just wanted to tell both you guys to go fuck yourself. You're both horrible people whose only purpose in life is to make pathetic losers feel a tiny bit better about themselves for an hour every week because at least they're not you. You're both so disgusting

That if the last people on earth Were you guys in a decapitated Lena Dunham I'd go gay for her to avoid touching Either of your tiny tiny penises Happy 100 episodes Fucking Robin Claws come out huh Well that's a shame because some of those losers

Sent in some nice emails about wanting to date her That I have for next time she's on They may be deleted Who knows We're gonna hand them to Sean And if they get deleted we have nothing to do with that I'll take care of it Sean said he'll take it.

Robin, you'll be sure to get those emails. She has a nice voice, though. She does.