The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 103

Episode Date: June 29, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe, from Russian roulette to chat roulette with over 6 million downloads. This is the only show where you decide what should or shouldn't be on the big list of problems like Maddox with me is... Hey, what's up, buddy? And Sean, our audio engineer. Hello.

Welcome back. One gets you a bullet in the head. The other one gets you dicks. Dick Picks. Oh, Russian roulette. Russian roulette and chat roulette, yeah. I got a great, that reminds me a great story. First, can you introduce our guest before I tell the story about my life coach?

Sure. We got a life coach story, but first we have a very exciting guest with us today. Michael Cates. Hello. Thank you for joining us, Michael. Yeah, thank you for having me, guys. Appreciate it. Yeah, so Michael, a beautiful man, by the way.

Look at this guy. Who does he, who do you look like? Who do people say you look like? I get a very handsome celebrity. I get a fat version of Adam Levine. Get out of here. Oh, a thicker version of Adam. A girthier version of Adam.

A girthier version of Adam Levine, I would say. Girls like girthy. My friends call me Fatim Levine, actually. Fatting. Buddy, you've got to get rid of those friends. They are not your friends. They're trying to cut yourself a steam down. They want the girls.

They want the girls that are around. You know what, bro? You got net. They're negging you. They are. They're totally nagging me. They're probably going to fuck you. They're trying to fuck you.

I knew it. And I understand why. I knew it. I got to stop meeting my friends on Grindr. See, guys, I'm an equal opportunity flutter. Just want to demonstrate that I flirt with the male guest as well as the female guest. So I don't get any flack. There you go.

I don't want to get any sexist flutter. black, all right? Sure, that's fair. So, that's totally fair. I just totally demonstrated that. Now I can say whatever I want. There you go. Done.

That's good. That's good. So Michael and I recently, we appeared in a video together. Mike has a series on YouTube called The Hacks of Life. It's kind of a parody and satire of like the life hacks. But then you actually do some of these hacks. Like, for example, you snuck a friend into Disneyland, which is one of my favorite videos.

So funny. You got to check it out. Where basically, you want to see. Yeah. Yeah, you want to explain to Mike? Sure, so, sure. So I did a stunt I called The Man Baby. And so...

We do that stunt every week on this podcast. Excellent. Okay, so you guys get this, then I appreciate it. So Disney lets babies in for free. I think, I don't know what the age is, but babies are free. And so I built a baby stroller, one of those tandem ones that fit my man friend inside of it. Yeah. And we just rolled them right into the park.

Mm-hmm. Did they check at all? The guy that... See, so now they have a checkpoint. And I was smart enough to do. do my research and know that yes, they have a checkpoint. Okay. Roll the stroller through there first.

Go into the restroom, put friend inside, and get to the ticket line. Oh, roll him right through. They open the gates. And the best part is I just had an old dude that maybe didn't care. He didn't even look. He just didn't look at me. He just had his head down, just took the ticket and ran the thing. He's seen enough babies.

He doesn't need to see more babies. Nobody does. The best part I'm rolling through the park and people are seeing this baby. And I think that there was a combination of like, not. wanting to offend someone in case their baby did have like a pituitary disorder or something. Yeah, yeah. But we have the reactions in the video, these people walking past me just, you see their heads like, oh God.

And it's another kid. It's a Mikey Bolt's kid who's, you know, he looked like Seth MacFarlane actually. Yeah. It looked like Seth McFarlane. Yeah, it looks like a little bit like a younger self, Seth MacFarlane. Totally, totally, totally. As a baby. I'm picturing the old Warner Brothers baby with a cigar.

Baby Herman. Baby Herman. Yeah. And he was totally, totally new. People were like, wow, what a penis on this baby. Yeah, oh, totally, yeah. Totally, yeah. It was a great.

Wow. You can be a baby. Get into Disneyland nude. That's great. Get in there naked. That's how Mike steps up his game. But it didn't just end there because he had all these other little tips like how to eat for free. You get out of the garbage.

No, everyone knows that hack. You act life hack. You get the rappers that are sitting on other people's tables and you bring in, you sneak in like a 711 burger, like a really shitty cheap one. He just take it up to him and say, hey, this burger sucks. Can I get another one? They'll replace it for you. a fresh burger. $15 dollar burger.

$15 burger, yeah. Jesus. But at the end of this video, Mike did something really nice. He was selling some shirts for his channel, and he said the proceeds are going to be donated to a charity in Disney's name. Absolutely, yeah. So really came full circle, and you still got flak for it, though, didn't you?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's because you're so handsome. We hate, internet hates that handsome. Yeah, it's being charitable. They'll let Maddox get away with it, but not you. Fuck you, fuck you, dick. They don't let me get away with shit. Just read the comments.

A bunch of humorless assholes. That's true. Yeah. It's true. Anyway, speaking of comments, Dick. Oh, before we go on, actually, let's get to the problems from last week. The biggest problem in the universe. Mosquitoes.

Good. Yeah. Good. Oh, wow. It deserves to be the biggest on the whole fucking list. You know, I was doing more research after the show, and they found out that mosquitoes may have killed more people than every war combined ever in history. Wow.

Yeah. Yeah. Mosquitoes have killed so many people. Yeah. Do they target specific people? Mosquitoes? Oh, all people. All people?

They don't discriminate. Okay, they don't discriminate? No. Okay, yeah. Turns out they target annoying girlfriends the most, though. Uh-huh. They always seem to get bitten at astounding rates. Yes.

Whenever even in the doors are closed, you're in a bank vault. And if you've got an annoying girlfriend, you know, great for you, but she's going to have so many mosquitoes swarming on her. Yeah, they're always getting bit in weird and mysterious ways and places. Always. You wouldn't expect. Yeah. How's that happened? Science is no idea.

So they do discriminate. They do. Yeah, I guess. Not by race, though. No. Just by gender. Just by gender. They like to, yeah.

And personality. Yes. As it turns out. It turns out the more annoying, the more bites. Yeah, weird. Weird correlation. Maybe they're on our side. Never thought about that.

Yeah, maybe they are on our side. Followed by Job Lynch mobs. No, that's good. Confusing. And then helicopter parents. Why is that confusing? Only to you. Yeah.

Everyone else understood that. Dick, you want to give a recap for what Job Lynch mobs was? to our guest like. Oh, sure. So, um, I think we're entering a, a climate, maybe you can call it a political climate, but it's sociopolitical climate where, uh, there's a large contingent of people who, when someone says something they don't like, uh, in whatever capacity that person is, if they say something on Twitter that they don't like, or maybe do something that they don't like, that's not illegal, but just something they like to do. Like if they go hunting, for example, they go on safari. That's, that's a big one that'll set people off online.

Absolutely. Sure. What they do is ban together and demand that person's job. Yeah. And my position on it is that that mindset, that mindset that these job lynch mob people have, is essentially the same as it's the Western version of like stoning extremism where that's the most violence that they can thrust upon you that's legal. And the legality of it is what defines it. Like if you removed the legal requirement and let them do the stoning, they would stone you in two seconds. And that's the job lynch property.

Because hurting someone's job is the same to me as hurting them physically. Morally, because it costs you your life to get that back. Absolutely. That's the problem to me in a nutshell. We got distracted. Go ahead. Sorry, people can even lose their jobs just by having a name that's close in these job lynching. Because Rachel Ray, Rachel Ray?

Oh, yeah. I'm pretty sure she's done, right? So what happened is Beyonce released her limited release album, I guess. Limited release, of course. It's only on every fucking media outlet you can access. You better fucking be very careful shitting on Beyonce right. You can't. Oh, you can't do that.

I will poke the beehive with my stick. I'm going to put my stick right in the middle of the bayhive, buddy. Yeah, so, of course, a bunch of people got really upset about this girl who they supposedly figured that Beyonce was talking about in her new lemonade music video, whatever, the hour-long special. And her name sounded like Rachel Ray or something. Rachel Roy. Rachel Roy.

And they thought it was Rachel Ray, the famous Food Network chef. They thought she'd a beef with Rachel Ray. They thought that Jay-Z was hooking up with Rachel Ray. This is no joke. Stupid people. So they went after Rachel Ray started just bombarding her with hate messages. And of course, let's make sure to note here. Again, this is not Gamergate.

This is the beehive, right? Yeah, this is the beehive. When it's people doing it about gaming, it's misogynistic and ugly and the worst thing ever. But when they're doing it, it's the beehive, you know, on behalf of Beyonce, you know, they got a little emotional. The most untouchable person on the planet. Beyonce?

Yeah. Beautiful, though. I'm starting to think it's a conspiracy against culinary celebrities. Female. Possibly. Paula Dean got taken down. Oh, she did. She got, for someone saying she said something.

No, but she did. She was saying racist shit. She did say something like, yeah, she did say the N-word. Yeah, no, she did. She said the N-word. Okay, I thought it was like, somebody was like, hey, I worked with her, and she said this stuff. And then she's like, yeah, I did, because I'm an old Southern woman. Yeah, she did.

And it's just a word. Yeah. No, I mean, you know, and everything's just words, but. I know, I know, Dick. Look, here's the thing. Before, Mike and I talked about problems that he was thinking about bringing in for this episode. And one of the problems sounded awfully similar to what you were saying, but, he brought, there were examples that were made that you can stand behind and you can defend.

Like, for example, like, Dick brought this in most recently because Kurt Schilling got fired from ESPN for saying transphobic things on Twitter. And the thing is, you know, like you supposedly have this job lynch mob, which you didn't make a case for. You didn't prove that that's why he lost his job. What does the vote say? Hold on. You didn't prove that that's why he lost his job because it could have been the company themselves

or people in the company themselves who found what he said morally reprehensible. and something they didn't want representing their brand. You didn't make that case. But here's something you could have very easily done, which is the guy who got fired, the dean from Harvard, the president of Harvard, who had to step down. Yeah, who had to step down because he suggested that there may be some evolutionary or biological reason

women don't go into STEM fields. Pretty innocuous, relatively speaking, statement. To you? No, scientifically speaking, there's evidence for this. It's innocuous to you. But here's the thing. What Kurt Schilling said may incite some actual mobs who are actually committing violence, real violence, against trans people. So that's why that Kurt Schilling example is like, yeah, you know what?

He should be allowed to say whatever he wants. But he was given that platform because of his employers. He was given a public platform because of his employers. So what was given was taken away, I don't see a problem with that. And by the way, you didn't see a problem last week because you're part of the job lynch mob. I am definitely not. Your definition of inciting violence and hate crime is not supported by the law. And it's things you disagree.

Like, it's easy to defend people when you agree with what they say. It's easy to defend Lawrence Summers. But my position is you've got to defend people you don't agree with too. That's why it's bad. That's why it's subversive. Well, hold on. That's what makes it difficult. Absolutely not.

I defend people I disagree with all the fucking time. Like, for example, I hate Donald Trump. But I think he absolutely should have a platform to speak. and people who were trying to block people from going to his events absolutely out of line. Everyone should have the ability to speak their minds and say what they want. And I disagree with almost everything Donald Trump says, but he should absolutely have the right to say it.

And by the way, I'm not supporting any kind of job lynch mobs to go after people. The Cecil of the line, the dentist who hunted that guy? Absolutely not. That was absurd. With Trump, it's like it feels like a WWE event, doesn't it? And isn't that awesome? Yeah. We can all say the WWI. I agree with you.

Yeah, absolutely. And I don't think people should stop that because you got to have the villains. You got to have all the characters and we get to watch it. Right, right. And he still has the right to say whatever he wants. But you see how riled up these audiences get. Yeah. You know why that is?

Because he's speaking pure truth 100% of the time. Oh, boy. That's what it is. Oh, wait, you're talking about Trump. Yeah. I thought he was talking about Trump. Then the helicopter parents, Dick, you kept trying to, like, here, here, I was thinking about it. I don't know if you were intentionally.

go through all the problems again? Like we got a guess. He's got a lot to say. He's got things to talk about. I thought you made the points last week. Well, real, real quick. He got voicemails about... He has to tell you everything you did wrong last year.

I know. I got voicemails where people called in and talked about their experience with helicopter parenting. Like, interesting insights. So we have to go over this... All this again? Well, let's hear it. Go ahead. This one's great.

Hey, I just wanted to call away in on the helicopter parents. problem. First, I agree with Dick that whenever children are younger, it's really hard to tell where the line is between being a good, quote-unquote, good parent and being overbearing. But as I teach at a university, and this is a huge problem at my school, helicopter parenting is. There you go. Our dean of students' office actually had to give a presentation about helicopter parenting to faculty because it's so prevalent. I know there are federal laws.

I can't remember what the acronym is for, but it's called FERPA, which basically says that after 18, parents cannot have access to student educational records. And I think part of that law was enacted because of the helicopter parenting, and it's still a huge problem. I get emails all the time from parents asking

if they can read their students' essay or see their grade or change their grade or meet with me. How about that? Because because that law, I can just tell them to go fuck themselves. I think it's the fucked up retarded parenting act. Oh, it's pretty good, Sean. The Bacronymn, chief in charge of Bacronin's.

Nice. So, yeah, she's saying that helicopter parenting is a big problem. Now, the part that I disagreed with on that call is when she said that it's hard to tell when it is and it isn't. Guys, I have a very simple test. Generally speaking, all right? Just a rule of thumb. It's not always going to work, but most of the time. You look around and see what other people are doing.

and if you're doing something a little bit weird, you're the weird one. Yeah. So if you are intervening in your child's life a little too much, if every other parent at the park is just sitting down, relaxing, you don't have to be in the dirt following your child around fucking everywhere. That takes some self-awareness. Yeah, be self-aware.

Yeah, but if you're like at a Nazi youth rally and everybody's like, go salute Hitler and your kid's not, you should probably get involved and go tell them to do that, right? Well, I mean, you've got to look around and make sure you're doing what everyone else is doing. I mean, essentially, that's true, it's true. It's true. You are a product of your culture. You want to, if you want to live by, I know,

but if you want to live by cultural norms, you look around and see what other people are doing. You look around and see how other people are eating, dressing, behaving, and you act more or less alike. Right. Like you shouldn't just masturbate in public places. Unless everyone else is doing it. But then Peevee Herman got in trouble.

And everyone was doing. Right. Yeah. In an adult jerkoff theater? Yeah, everyone was doing it. So why did he go? You think he offended some kids show. Because you have a kid show.

So if you can't do what everybody's, doing if you have a kid show. That involves masturbating together. There is a job lynch mob. Michael, yeah, I was just going to say, you brought, that is a very deep memory of mine when peewee got busted, because I loved that show as a kid. Dude, I have the doll in my bedroom, by the way. Which one?

The Pee Whirman doll? In the box. The Peewee Hummer and Real doll. Yes. Do you remember when he got busted? Yeah, absolutely. Oh my God, it was crushing. Did you know, as soon as it happened?

As soon as it happened, I saw that. I'm like, that's it. They're going to fuck up the show. Done. Ah, that was brutal. Remember a scene in his mug shot with the long hair and the weird, he had some weird ass pedophile glasses on. That was weird.

That creep me out too. But I remember thinking, fuck, this is over. It's over. It's over. It's so sad, too. To be clear, he's not a pedophile, right? Of course not. No, no.

He just is jerking off in a theater. That's the problem is, I've talked to a lot of people when his new movie came out on Netflix, and people were saying, he's a pedophile. I never heard that. associated that with him, younger people. And I'm like, no, he's not.

No way is he a bit of about it. The dude got caught masturbating in an adult theater with other adults. Watching porn. Watching porn. He wasn't doing some weird shit. People do misconstrue that, actually, which makes me sad. He also said he wasn't masturbating because he masturbates with a different hand. And that, to me, is an airtight defense.

If somebody says they caught me jerking off with my right hand, I'm going to say, okay, let's go to court. I can't wait to show you guys how I jerked off. Because that's a weird one to think of as a defense. So I think it's true. I think it's really true. That's fair. Because any guy, have you ever switched?

Sure. Just once or twice, if my other hand's busy, if I'm holding a beverage. But like, yeah, that's like a margarita in one hand and I'm coming in off the beach. Sure. The classic masturbation drink, a top-heavy margarita. Yeah. You know, I got my little umbrella. I'm jerking off.

I'm on the beach in Mexico. I'm having a good time. Sure. Yeah. I'm going to stroke one off. Yeah. Yeah, no, see if I had a nickel, you know. Yeah, man.

I've trained myself to be ambidextrous. When it comes to jerkin? You know, so that's the test they give you in court, is if they think that you were masturbating, they're like, okay, go ahead and switch hands, and if you come, you're guilty. Uh-huh, that's the test. Pee, we deserved a fair trial. Not a lynch mob, not a job lynch mob. And OJ gets away with it, right?

Ridiculous. Proposterous. Okay, I'm going to play one more voicemails. Go for it. This one is a really insightful, I think. It's about mosquitoes. Oh, yeah. Fuck them.

Fuck mosquitoes. Buzz, buzz, buzz, Maddox, my sweetie. Oh, you got called by mosquitoes. How you doing tonight? Buzz, buzz, buzz. I'm on the smile of your back right where you can't reach a nice scratchy spot. And I'm going to take a big old drink your blood right now. Okay?

Hold on a one sec. Oh. Yeah, it kind of falls apart. here. I think the mosquito there is throwing up.

You get the joke? Yeah, I get it. I get it. Does everyone get it? I heard Disney Pixar's making a movie out of it. Why was that mosquito? Why did that mosquito sound like a southern plantation owner? Yeah, right? That's taking a nice tall drinking your blood.

Real sweaty mosquito. Yeah. That's the accent of having no fear. Oh, which they don't. Like Paula Dean. Yeah, like an old plantation or no one can touch me. Yeah.

I'm doing whatever I want. Yeah. All right. All right, I got a comment real quick. This is from Jay Michael Lane. He says, this is just a correction. It says it was comedian Doug Stanhope from the special no refunds who said your kid isn't hot enough, et cetera. So I was talking about like, you know, not every kid's going to get molested.

Oh, no. Let's not talk about child sexual molestation. Let's get to some fun problems. No, that's it. It was just a correction. I just want to make sure. All right. I'm with you on that.

Yeah, thanks. All right, guys. You're going to get to our first problem this week. Voicemail. Ooh. Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

As you heard. So, Dick, there's a lot of curation that goes on in the show behind the scenes. We get a lot more. Pointlessly. I listen to so many fucking voicemails and play two of them. Yeah. Like, there's two hours down the drain. Well, why don't you play one?

Why don't you play one that you wouldn't normally play on it? Okay, here you go. Oh, this will be different. Fuck you. Sean audio engineer, you piece of shit. There you go. That was from you, Dick. No, no.

Tons of these. We get tons of voicemails. Just doesn't like Sean. Bizarre. Yeah, first of all, voicemail, outside this show, and possibly inside the show as well, are one of the most inconsiderate ways of communication. I have told my friend to never leave me voicemail

because he would constantly call me and say, hey, man, just like you know why. I'm trying to get hold of you. Give me a call back. Bye. Why do I have to hear that? Yeah. I can see on my phone that I missed the call from you.

Yeah. I can assume that because you called me, you wanted to talk to me. That voicemail added no new information. Voicemails should be relegated to the area of mother technology. Absolutely. You know what I mean? Like checkbooks? What else?

Wait a minute. Wait, what's mother technology? What they still use? Mom tech. Oh, oh. Checkbooks are still. still in the mom's purses. I still write checks.

You guys don't write checks? No. What year do you live in? What's about for rent, maybe, but... Yeah. The bank, the bank does it all. Most banks do this service now. They have a bill pay.

Transfers and yeah. You just type in the amount you want and they'll draft the check and send it. Yeah. You can Venmo people now. PayPal, Venmo. There's no need. Checkbooks are dying.

Yeah, check books. We're going to save more paper, which is great. Oh, my gosh. Sure. I don't know. You know what? You know what? We love papers so much over there, Michael.

You know, Michael, I remember back in the Michael, big paper over here. Huge paper guy. Uh-huh. Yeah. Oh, my delicious paper. You guys, you guys remember in the 90s, all the fucking activists, like the Greenpeace

activists and all those shit lords who were constantly saying, save paper, recycle, save paper, recycle, save paper. Now no one prints anything anymore because we all have fucking email. That's how the most communication is done through email, text messaging, instant messaging, all that shit. So we're probably saving tons of paper. Oh, God. Where are those same shitheads who are coming out to congratulate us, huh?

Yeah. I want a little thanks. I want Greenpeace is to send me a thank you letter. Every time I don't print something. What do you think those guys do now? Thank you email. They ran out of things to say. They're just like, oh, the paper's being saved.

Hmm. I'll tell you wasting electrons now. Too many electrons. Yeah. Those guys had to evolve. Yeah, they're still sending voicemails, I bet. Oh, definitely. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Still saves paper. It totally saves paper. Do you guys? Yeah. No, you go. You use voicemail ever? My mom leaves voicemails on my phone.

Mom, which you said mom tech. And every once in a while, business stuff. Like if someone's calling you for something business related, they'll leave a voicemail. Does it annoy you a little bit when that happens? Because it always, it really annoys me. I'm definitely in Maddox's camp about voicemails. I think it's disrespectful no matter what it is to leave me the voicemail. Because you know that I need it in writing.

Absolutely. And you, first of all, you are. risking the communication by just splurting it out into the air. Yeah. Like, we all listen to voicemails like when we're driving, right? And downtime, major downtime when I am not actively involved in commerce, right? So this is on you. You're fucking this up, because I'm not going to remember when I get home.

Absolutely. I'll tell you something about Dick. I've known you for well over 20 years, right? Yes. You never leave voicemails. Not ever. You stated that, too. You said, I will never do it.

I don't either. Dick is like a Native American when it comes to his voice. Doesn't want it recorded. No. I don't want that, I think it takes my soul. It takes a soul.

I don't want it. I don't want people messing it up either and making me say, you know, stuff that I wouldn't be saying. Sure, sure. So instead we record a weekly podcast.

I was just going to say, for an hour and a half where no one can misconstrue or take any of your quotes out of context ever. Yeah, voicemails are totally inconsidered. I literally will just click on them and just you'll see the name of the person.

Delete. Yeah. Just click, delete. And you have. to listen to a second of them, by the way, when you do that. You ever do that? Yeah. It makes you play them. And you're like, delete, fucking delete. Okay, good, because I don't give a shit. Like, you're going to get an email with business information or you're going to get text messages. And like you said,

those fucking voicemails with like the, hey man, I was calling you just to say what's, yeah, just want to let you know I was calling you. Yeah. Yeah, we fucking get it, man. We got missed calls. Your name's in there. You're, you're cataloged. We're going to get back to you when I can. Like, it's over. Have you done a greeting on your phone? Have you guys ever set greetings? No, I don't set greetings. So this is, I do, and I try to make it just confusing, so people will hang up. Because, you know, people get, something is out of order with the social contract, and they freak out and just abort, right? So for a while, my voice message was just like, blah. And it cut down, people would, when they finally got a hold to me, they go, something's

wrong with your voicemail. I didn't know what it was, so I just hung up. And I'm like, wow, I'll check it out. If that ever happens again, definitely don't leave a voicemail. It could be someone else. But now I'm thinking maybe an even better way to go is to just max out the greeting. Oh yeah. Like hey, how you doing? I'm going to read voicemails for, or I'm going to read

the Hobbit to you for 10 minutes. Right. Then you can leave me a voicemail. You stupid asshole. You wasted my time. I'll waste your shit head. That's great. That's smart. I used to leave funny voicemails, funny voicemail responses and I got

way more response from people They were always wanting to, oh, hey, that's really, oh, I really like that voicemail. That made me laugh. And then I have to listen to an extra, like, 10 seconds of them commenting on my voicemail greetings. Oh, because your greeting was funny. Yeah, because I got that too, yeah. So I immediately got rid of it. And then the other thing I hate, two things about voicemail I hate, is when they have the false pickup.

So sometimes they'll say, hello. Oh, yeah, right? And they're like, just kidding. I'm not actually available. This is my voicemail. It's like, you know what? Fuck you. And then it always.

I do like that. It was a good joke. Yeah. But it always goes to the tone, right? When I'm saying, fuck you. Yeah. I get so fucking mad. I don't want to talk to you anyway.

Don't call me back. I'm just letting you know, this is the one voicemail you have to listen to. Do not call me back. I'm not going to pick up your head. I'm just fucking tired of your stunts. And then here's the other thing. I want to see where the room falls on this. Because this, this to me was also egregious.

I called someone one time. Someone younger. And they set their voicemail to, hey, so this is, this is, I'm just going to make up a name. This is Clarence. If you were calling me right now and you were going to leave me a voicemail,

please don't. I prefer text. Please send me a text. Great. You think that's great? Yeah. That infuriates me. And I'm like, you know what?

Why? I'm going to leave you an extra long voicemail, shithead. What's wrong with that? Why would you bone Clarence like that? It's so snarky. You know what? Just turn off your voicemail, shithead. You're not that important.

You know what I loved when, you know, back when we had answering machines and into voicemail, people thought it was cool to play some contemporary hit song while they're talking in the background. And they would time it up. Like, I'm going to play this. People are going to love it. They're going to get that I like this song and I'm in the know. I'm like, who the

fuck does that? Like, I never did it. I always try to be funny too. Like, I think my best one, and you guys can judge this how you will, but I think Oh, we will. Remember a beep would, it was always followed by a beat. So I thought it would be clever to go on a fucking rant where I'm just

about to drop a curse word and when the beat beep happens, it covers my curse word. And then I would get wrong numbers calling me and you just hear people like laugh and go, that was great, man. I'm like, and I felt good about myself. I don't know why it felt so good to win on that, but it was much better than playing, you know, cold plays fucking parachutes. Well, I tell you to leave a message.

Oh, excuse me, Michael, this is, can you please not leave me a voicemail and send me a text instead, please? I would really appreciate if you send me a, I don't like to voice. What's wrong with that? It's just, it's scolding. It's kind of sad. I don't want to be scolded. Maybe people don't know. Maybe they never thought of it before, and he's enlightening them.

They're like, oh, I never thought about it. Voice mails are a pain in the ass. Yeah, they are. Thanks, what did you call that guy? Carmichael or Clementine? Clarence. Thanks, Clarence. You're the man.

Outside, like, the only people who are ever going to hear that are your parents, and then the one odd friend who keeps leaving voicemail. Which, by the way, I just had a conversation with them in person. I called them up and I said, do not send me voicemails ever again. I'm not going to listen to them. And he goes, okay, okay, what's a big deal, man? I know. Are you talking about, you're talking about soup flavored blankets?

Yeah, that's a guy. Yeah, you're talking about soup flavored blankets. I can't not do the voice when I talk about. So, this guy, a friend of Maddox, came in last year, maybe a little bit less than that. He's an interesting character. I went to Burning Man with him last year, and we had a giant soup kitchen out in the middle of the desert giving away soup that looked like a giant cracker box.

He's a little off. He's definitely somebody would leave voicemails. That's why I thought you were, because he's stuck in a different time. Yeah, I don't know. People who are thinking about voicemails and use them to communicate are stuck in the past. Or maybe not, maybe like an anachronistic past. Like they're like steampunks. I'm sure, yeah.

Like they're in the 80s tape world still, I think. But this guy has the patent on soup flavored blankets? No patent. Oh, no. But he's created this? Yeah. He's created giving out soup and blankets and calling it soup flavored blankets. Oh, I thought he created a soup flavored blanket or something in case like here.

Only because it's spilled it. Oh, okay. That's great. Yeah, it's pretty cool. Anyway, I love... It tastes like soup after a while. Yeah, sure, sure. But so do most clothes if you wear them long enough.

Maybe I was to say, yeah. You stewing them long enough. They're going to taste like stew. They're going to taste like stew. But yeah, anyway, he's a great dude, but it just drives me nuts with the voicemails, man. And you know what I think it is? It's hands free, right? You're in your car.

You dialed someone. And here's a few times I think that it's justifiable and acceptable to leave voicemail. Okay. I've done this. And anything I do is justifiable. So I was washing the dishes, expecting someone to answer. My hands are wet and soapy and sudsy, right? And they don't answer.

It goes to voicemail. And my hands are, I'm trying to dry them and wash them as quickly as possible. I'm like, hey, man, I apologize for the voicemail. I didn't need to leave this for you. I just can't reach my phone right now. Hold on. I got to dry my hands. Okay, there it is.

Never mind, delete this message. Click. Disrespectful. Because you didn't want just the sound of static and you fumbling? Well, I didn't want to touch my phone wet. Well, I don't understand that. But I'm saying because you didn't want to get your phone wet, you felt like I can't leave sound on his voicemail.

Yeah, because then he'll think I pocket dialed him. Okay. I want him to know. I was trying to call you while you were doing dishes, though. What's that all about? That's pragmatism, buddy. Keep me company while I'm doing my dishes. It's efficiency.

I do, look, 90% of my phone calls are either while I'm doing the dishes or when I'm taking a shit. Efficiency. Multitasking. Multitasking. Yeah. I even thought about how to... You do phone calls while shitting.

Oh, all the time. Here's some tips. All right. I even thought about how to mask the echo in the room in the bathroom. Okay. Right. I close the shower curtain and I put my mouth really close to the shower curtain as close as I can when I'm talking so that the echo is reduced. How close is a weird pooping position?

Yeah. Your shower curtain is going to be close. It's about three feet. Yeah. And also it has to be a fabric shower curtain. It can't be latex or plastic. Okay. Then the other thing I do...

So you're like chloroform yourself as you're shitting and talking on the phone? Yeah, they didn't know. A rag in front of your mouth. Why does Maddox sound like Darth Vader while he's shitting? No, no, it's totally normal. No one knows. And then the other thing I do is when I'm ready to flush, because I used to not flush thinking like...

It would be rude. Would be. Instead of flushing now while I'm on the phone call, what I do is I quickly hit mute, flush, oh. Unmute, step out, done. No one knows. That's excellent.

Yeah, they're none the wiser. Okay, but now everyone knows. Everyone that talks to he's like, oh, fuck, I knew he was shitting. You know what, though? I'm trying to figure that out. It could be that 10% of the time that I'm not. That's true. That's true.

You don't know. I've taken to pissing in the sink because they can tell when you mute it. Like, if I'm talking to a girl, that I got to go. I'm like, well, if I muted, she's going to know. I want to pick it up. So I just go right into the sink and then the phone calls over, turn it on, scrub it out. So you piss in the sink, the distance of the stream is what causes the stuff. Yeah, there's no gurgill.

Right. You know, it's just pure slide. You just rest your dick in the sink and let it just go out. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That makes sense. It's actually very hygienic.

You get way less splash everywhere. Absolutely. That's why I keep telling people, like, my friends. You just wash your hands right there. Why, we should all piss in sinks, right? Because then it's just a one-stop shop. Absolutely. Your sink.

Especially when you wake up and you have that, you have that piss boner. Yeah. What do you do? Here's the thing. Women, you're not going to understand this. But when you have a piss boner, I think it might be more than women that don't understand this. Let's see her.

You don't get pee boners? You don't get pee boners? Yeah. Well, I don't need to relieve him in the sink. Oh, no. Well, you don't need to. I don't know where this is going yet. The other thing, yeah.

It's gonna lob. Yeah. If you don't, if you don't, like, it doesn't, it only bends one way. Sure. You're not going to bend it down into the fucking toilet. You have to, like, kind of straddle the toilet and then, like, put your, put your dong down there, like, like a weird fucking, you're playing operation trying to get it down the bowl and, like, try to pee right down the fucking, you know, right in the hole.

Why not just. do it in the... How big is it your dick? It's like a tricky game of operation to get in the toilet. It touches the sides of the toilet room. Yeah, his dick is the Charlie Horse. Yeah.

So this problem is over, right? Yeah, that's it. Voice mail. Do we go too far into dick? Voice mail is my problem. Sorry. Michael, you as our guest, thank you for joining us this week.

What is your problem this week? Okay, my problem is humorless, stupid people. Humolous stupid people Humorless stupid people The humorless The humorless I think those go hand in hand

If you're stupid You don't have a good sense of humor I think they're very smart people Are very funny Yeah Like I think you guys are very funny And I feel like you're smarter than me Not as I'm not trying to like

Padgerigo's I'm just saying that I think you're very funny Because you're smart And I think that stupid people Are not funny They don't get jokes And they're the people

That flood a lot of the comments sections Yeah online Online yeah So we talked about earlier I have a show hacks alive. And, you know, I do these sort of elaborate, the life hack, social engineering

things. It seems pretty funny to put a baby into a stroller and schlep them into Disney. Like something that two grown men who would think of this prank would not want as a prize. Like, if I think of the demo of Disneyland, off the top of my hand, like, oh, you know,

two regular funny dudes who would load each other into a stroller. That's who wants to be at Disneyland. Duh. Yeah, exactly. And so, so this, you know, it did pretty well. It got front-pageed on Yahoo. Right. Which, you know, I read the comment sections because I don't have a lot to do in the rest of my life. So I'm reading them. And Jesus Christ, these people, they first of all, they think it's like, I'm, they think I'm the downfall of society. They think that I'm ruining the world. They think I should be arrested. And then they said that I'm taking from Disney, this theme park, this conglomac.

Lord Disney. Right. I'm taking from them. Therefore, me sneaking my friend in that day. is going to, first off, cause people to lose their jobs because Disney just lost a ton of money on us. Because, granted, I did switch a 50-cent burger for a $12 burger. I did do that, too. Well, to be fair, you switched a 50-cent burger for a 50-cent burger. Absolutely, yeah, in a nice package. Yeah, absolutely.

And they both taste like shit, by the way. But, yeah, and then they said that, therefore, people are losing jobs, and therefore Disney will have to raise prices on us people, and I'm the problem with society. and they were really up and arms about this. Disney's raised the price as high as they can raise it. This idea that like these infractions cause the price of things to go.

I was like, okay, kids, I know that you were poorly edged. I know that nobody gets a good economics education in the world, but that price is as fucking high as they can get it. And they've tried to jam as much money up into that price as they can. It's a Thanksgiving turkey of money. They can't get it any higher no matter how much anybody steals. Absolutely. It gets our blood boiling.

Oh, absolutely. I have one analogy. Because it's so disingenuous. They don't think it, they don't know it, they just hate you for taking away something that's beautiful to them, for ruining Disneyland a little bit for them. Well, it's so stupid for them to think that millions of people are going to emulate you. Absolutely, that too. It's such an elaborate stuff that this, first of all, it's not going to, it's not going to happen again. Right. That's over. But these people were so pissed off, and I'm sitting there thinking, and I'm going to do a quick analogy. Yes, please. Okay. So we're going to take the Disney, we're going to take the conglomerant. to propomorphize it into our friend Gary. Okay. So all of us are going to go to a theme park together, and we have a friend named Gary.

And he picked up all our tickets. I'm like, hey, guys, Gary picked up the tickets. We got to Vamo him. Gary comes in. He's like, hey, guys, Venmo me 150 each. Let's go to the theme park. And then we go, hey, Gary, how is your week outside of this? He's like, oh, man, it's been good.

You know those Indiana Jones movies and the Star Wars movies and stuff? And we're like, yeah, yeah, which one? He's like, all of them. You know, all those movies? We're like, yeah. He's like, well, I bought the rights to those this week. and I had a few other things You know

Big week for Gary Yeah right And then we look at Gary and go And then Gary will be like Yeah so By the way Dick your Vemmo didn't go through We're like fuck you Gary

You've got enough money to buy Disney Marvel or whatever Sorry Lucas Star Wars And you're gonna bitch People are gonna bitch Because I took 150 out of their pocket

Yeah Are you fucking kidding me? And by the way you didn't Because if you had You did this whole stunt with the understanding that you might have gotten caught. Absolutely. And if you had gotten caught, whatever, it's still a hilarious video.

You get escorted off the property. Sure. You weren't planning on buying... Disney jail, even better. Disney jail, I almost did there. I almost went into Disney jail. Oh, man. Because we did some more in the...

Well, I want to hear about that. But, yeah, but essentially, you weren't ever planning on buying that ticket in the first place. That was never their money. If you had gotten caught, you would have been just, okay, walked out with your dick and your hand, jerking off with your other hand. And Marguery done in the other. Now, mind you, and I explained this in the video, it was a two-for-one. I actually did get a ticket.

Yeah, you bought him. It was a two-for-one. I'm bringing him in and we're splitting it. What do you mean? You also got a ticket? I mean, I purchased a ticket for myself. And he just snuck his friend. As the dad.

Oh, okay. So we split the ticket, and it was not a total... Well, I'm still going to say it's theft, but I support it. I don't have a problem. I don't have a problem with it. I don't care. Right. Thank you.

Yeah. Sure. Jesus Christ. It's funny. I don't know what the law is on. Is there a law that says you can't sneak in and have fun? If you get your baby friend in, if you get you to kick you out. They can kick you out, but it's not a law.

Yeah, but what is a baby? If you brought a child, right? There's the king of the shitty court. Welcome to shitty court. I love where this is going. The honor of Lomax is the judge, both lawyers and the bailiff. I got it. Your honor, what is a baby?

That's a good point. Defense, well, Your Honor. Yeah, nobody knows. Nobody knows what a baby is. Everyone says, oh, my baby is. says, oh, my baby, my baby, your girlfriend could be your baby, your friend could be your baby, you could be adopting your friend? Is there an age limit on babies?

One. It's true. Oh, is it really one? That's one. No, it's not. No one can agree. No one knows. No one knows.

Dick brought in toddlers a while back. I'm like, the same thing as babies. I brought in babies already. He could have a baby dick. And I looked, I looked online, no one can agree what a baby is. No one. And by the way, what if you just have a child who is developmentally stunted? and has essentially the mental faculty of a baby.

Couldn't you then justify? Should they be able to get free? Yeah. Absolutely. Why not? Put them in a stroller. Who gives a shit, Disney? Oh, did we steal some of your fun and your stupid parts?

Those definitions are only using like clothing sizes, by the way. It's like baby, infant, toddler. Wait a minute. I'm getting a great internet video here. We should go to Disneyland and I will pretend to be retorting. so that I can be the mental faculties of a baby, right? And then you can have this argument with them. That would be hilarious.

I'm sure everyone on the internet would love that. That's true. Yeah. But I think that the only argument they're going to have is he's big enough to go on the rides and he'll probably ride the ride the rides. So it depends on how... That's true. Yeah.

Well, aren't babies? No. Why? You put it in a helicopter. No, no, no, no. Can you just hold it? I don't think so. I think you have to leave the wife with the stroller off to the side or the husband.

They have those nets. They have those nets. For catching the babies? No, in front of your ride, where you put your belongings? Oh, yeah. I think you can stuff the baby in there. Because that's safe. You're good to go.

Sunglasses, hey, I got expensive sunglasses. Yeah, I put those in there safe. Yeah, sunglasses scratch way easier than babies. Oh, way easier. Yeah, babies are... Babies are pretty resilient. They're fine. So what else about humorless comment?

You've had a long, illustrious YouTube life. You must have run into more. I encountered them. When I went on Dr. Phil, I thought everyone would think this would be the funniest thing. in the world. Go say some ridiculous stuff. I'm on Dr. Phil saying all lesbians are faking it. I'm like, oh man, the whole world's going to think this is hilarious.

Not the case. No. Not the case. A lot of death threats after that. Because people, either they can't either they can't understand the joke. Either they can't understand that a man with a shaved head and a gigantic Texas mustache and aviated sunglasses

would be making, you know, saying making a hyperbole statement for fun because the whole Dr. Phil self-help daytime TV industry is the biggest joke that you could possibly build. Like, that's the joke. Absolutely. Looking at this and saying, oh, well, clearly, clearly that man is a hate monger. Right. That's the people that I think you're talking about.

And they're stupid as hell. And there's the lynch mob coming back to hate you now. Yeah. Because you made a joke that they don't fucking understand. Don't get it. Angry. Makes me angry. I get it. We blur the lines now. I get it. Like YouTube and all these videos, we blur the lines. There's all these different what's real, what's fake. Most of my comments on my short, fake and gay. That's what I get all the time. You know where that comes from. Where does that come from? That's actually from Ray William Johnson. No.

So a long time ago, when I first came out doing my YouTube videos, I got a lot of hate for my first video. Just read the comments. Oh my gosh. Because of the sound? Well, everything. They hated, no, the sound was fine. People didn't really have problem in sound. They hated the content, they hated my delivery, they hated everything about it, and some of the people didn't even find it funny, which, you know, whatever. Some people are humorless, but also you have to also take into consideration that not every type of humor is for every type of person. Absolutely. Right, there's like some people like dark humor, some people like, you know, gaffs and they like slap, slapstick humor and pranks and that sort of thing. Like, there's tons of stuff out there. Yeah, to each his own.

Right. So I got so much, so much hate mail, and I came out, my second video, I came out and I said, guys, do you really, like, I'm trying to produce a high quality show here. And you know what? I may have missed the mark on a few of these points. Yeah, I look like shit on camera. My delivery's stiff. But here is the alternative. And the alternative is Ray William Johnson.

And at the time it was Fred. Those were like the two of the biggest YouTubers there were out there. And Ray William Johnson's content, I looked at almost every, I watched almost every, I watched almost every. single one of his videos, and it put me in such a bad mood because they were so unfunny. I agree. I agree. But that's where that fake and gay comes from is actually, he used to say when he used to mock his people commenting, you'd say, oh, oh, that's fake and gay. And so that became a big big thing on YouTube. Believe it or not, that's Ray William Johnson's. Oh, wow. Okay. And he wrote the Ghostbusters song, too, didn't he? That's Ray William Parker.

Oh, I don't know, fuck. I, yeah, I came out of the gate swinging against Ray William Johnson. And I said, you know what? Fuck it. Not going to work with this guy. I don't give a shit. And then I talked to an animation company a long time ago. And they said the same thing to me too. They said, we just don't like his material.

We don't like his content. I'm like, all right, we have something in common. We're never going to work together with that guy. Well, see, and I think, I don't like him either. I watch this stuff and I keep saying I don't get it, right? But I'm not going to go comment on his shit to... No. I'm not that kind of person.

But I'm just saying that, like, we all know the difference nowadays when something's fucking malicious and mean and shit. I think. I think we all know the line. Like, remember, we remember when Kramer went to the dark side. We remember when Kramer went too far, right? And we all said, that's the line, and you crossed it,

and that's probably bad. It wasn't funny. It wasn't funny, right? And he wasn't even trying to be funny, was he? No. No. Kramer lost his cool. He lost is cool. But we all sat there, and that's fucked up. That's the line. We all get it. Too many people don't get the line

and where it's at, and what's the politically correct stuff with it. I just feel like they're so stupid. A lot of them are so stupid that they don't understand what's what anymore. Well, is that the job lynch mob too? Would you guys say? Because I think that he lost his job legitimately. Kramer? I mean, he got a lot of flack for that. I think rightly so.

What do you mean? Was he working at that point? Yeah, he was talking to some people do some pilots and they didn't want to hire him anymore. I mean, that's not really I mean, how do you differentiate between... I think you're extremely focused on the losing the job part and not the

mob part. But the mob... Nobody's challenging anybody to keep Kramer hired. No one. I'm not... Michael, I don't think you are. It's the mob. It's like, do you... It's challenging the mob to say

your impulses are evil. The thing, the impulse that you're following is something that's base and horrible and something that we need to weed out of the human race. Okay. I understand what you're saying and I understand, but I think that the mob we're talking, we're

talking about should be a different type of mob. And the mob we should be talking about is the mob that caused this problem to begin with. All right? The only reason the N-word is a problem and racism is a problem is because of another mob called the Ku Klux Klan and other mobs of people who are hateful and intolerant and they act out in violence towards marginalized groups. Those are the mobs that cause these words to be so offensive in the first place. If these mobs didn't exist in the first place, go ahead. Say the N-word. Be as racist as you want as long as no one's actually acting on it as long as people aren't actually causing crime and causing hurt

against another group of people, fine. I'm all for that. But that's the mob we need to be worrying about. That kind of sounds like grandstanding to me. Like, we don't need to be worried about the Ku Klux Klan. They don't even exist anymore. No, they totally exist. They got an uptick because of Trump, specifically because of Trump. They use Trump in their flyers.

Trump is causing the Ku Klux Klan? Yeah, they mentioned it. They said that we should support Trump. He's not causing it. No. But there's an uptick. There's an uptake in voting. And in registrations. And it's like ingrained in people. We reject inherently people that look different. Because it's a safety mechanism that's been in our DNA for millions of years.

You implicitly don't trust things that are different from you. Like the more that I see in common with someone, the more I think that our relationship's going to be beneficial to both of us. Because it's true. It was true for millions of years. It's not been true for, you know, arguably for the last 2000, but that's a lot of DNA you're going to have to make up for. True, but that's where all the stupid people reside.

I think the people that haven't figured that out yet, the people that are still afraid of something different. So whether it's race or it's a guy putting a baby in a stroller at Disneyland, we still have stupid people out there that don't get it. Well, what pisses me off about the comedy thing, like people not getting jokes, is that I will try, Some material sometimes. I'll say some jokes that I know are funny.

Sure. And the only way you know a joke is funny or not is you try it in front of a couple of people, and if they laugh, they laugh. It's funny. That's it. There's no other test. It's just very simple.

You try it. So it's tested material that I know gets laughs. Right. And I say it to a certain group of people and they do not have that instinct. They do not get sarcasm. They do not get satire. They do not know that I'm making a joke

and it completely goes over their head. Right. I think less of people like that. I think that they are not they're not self-aware, they're not really actively listening. Absolutely. People who are actively listening, because you have to basically do this little mental arithmetic.

Every time you hear someone make a statement, you just think about, is their statement absurd? Yes. Is it sarcastic, right? If it's absurd, do I think the person saying it is absurd? Right. If you think that the person saying it is not absurd, but what they're saying is absurd, chances are it's a joke.

Right. If you happen to think that they are absurd and they're also saying something absurd, then maybe you're the absurd one because you're keeping company with absurd people. Right. It's true. Anyway. What's the fix? How do we fix this problem?

Meugenics, right? We just got to start IQ testing and chopping off balls, basically. Like we show everybody an episode of the Three Stooges. You don't laugh? Sterilization. Yeah, absolutely. I agree with that, actually. I think there should be a heavier test for having kids than there is for fucking driving or anything else. Although there should be heavier tests for driving.

Sure. There should be heavier testing across the board. Absolutely. I was a teacher, mind you. What kind of teacher? I was just a substitute teacher. The best kind. In elementary schools.

I should not have been doing that. Like, all I had to do was take a very basic-ass test. And I learned that moment, I'm like, fuck, I'm doing this right now. And these kids, there was a moment where I took the meanest shit in one of the kids' bathrooms ever, and I thought, teacher would ever be doing this. It was one of the most worst stories of my life, by the way,

this shit story. But what is it? Okay. You got to tell it now. Yeah, I got to give it to you. Okay. So I'm teaching, elementary. And I show up, I don't know what I ate before, the night before, but man, it all hit me at 7 a.m. when I'm pulling into the parking lot, right? And I'm driving, you're not going to be able to see this at home, but I'm driving like this. Like, I'm holding through my ass. Driving like a low rider. Yeah, like that I can't, because of my asshole. Your butt's not touching the seat. was coming out of my, gonna burst through my asshole. So you were, you were not just turtle heading,

you were tortoise heading. I don't know if anything was coming in. I was holding so tight. Yeah. Yeah, I know that. Nothing came out. Yeah. Because when it was going to come out,

it wasn't going to be any kind of, solid shape. Yeah, this was going to fucking explode. So I get in there, I'm sweating bullets. And I'm, and I'm, all I have to do is I just got to get to a bathroom. I'm going to be a little late, but it's fine. I get in there, every fucking bathroom in this school on this campus was locked. And I finally, I'm,

I'm round in hallways. I get into the teacher's lounge. Guy in there, newspaper on the floor. You can hear him crunk pulling the other one. He's in there for the day. And I'm like, fuck. I'm not going to talk to this guy. I run out.

All I see is an open door and sinks. And I beeline right in there. I get in there. I get in the stall. It's all stalls. I get in, close the door. And as soon as my pants past my ass, it's shit time. Right?

Now, while I'm doing this, I realize, as I sit up, I realize the stall door, If I sit up, my head is now, you can just see me. Right? And then a lot of stuff starts happening. Not only can you see me if I sit up, all the fucking tile was pink. Oh, no. So now I'm in the girls' restroom destroying this fucking toilet.

And so, and of course, as soon as I realize this, you hear the feet. You hear a little. Oh, my God. Oh, no. So I'm now, like, I drop down because you can't see my head. I got my hands on the wall. You're exactly what Kurt Schilling was talking about.

Right? I thought it was done. I'm like, how do I explain? I'll tell you what I, the thought process is going through my head. Does the feet come in? You hear them creep up right to my door. Oh. Because they think it's empty.

Because you're hiding. I don't know what they're thinking. I'm trying not to make sounds, but I'm just shitting and like the smell. It was so fucking bad. You see these little feet. and so I'm seeing, I see their feet, they can see my feet. Now I'm picking up my feet, I'm balancing on my ass in this fucking tiny stall,

and they're just standing there. And I know they smelled a man's shit for the first time ever, because it was so bad that you can hear them. Then they start giggling, and then they run out. And I'm sweating and I'm sitting there, and it felt like eternity. And all I'm thinking is, okay, fuck, they saw my shoes, right? Because I saw their shoes. We had that exchange.

I lifted them, but they saw them. on my shoes. They're laughing that I lifted my shoes. So, of course. So now I'm like, I got to get the fuck out of here. But I was thinking, I can't flush this shit. Because how am I going to explain myself?

Why was I in there hiding, sweating, making grunt noises if that shit is not, that's the proof that I need to go, no, it was a bad shit. You need the evidence. Yeah, you need the evidence. Wow. You're a smart guy. Hey, thanks, I mean, I really thinking ahead. I was, everything was running. I was like,

I'm going to lose. There was so much trouble coming to me if I didn't save that shit. You need the shit alibi. You need the shit alibi. And I had to call my girlfriend at the time and tell her, hey, you got to bring me some different shoes. Because I don't want to be on the recess playground. That was another guy.

That was another guy's shoes. There's a mystery shitter with the fucking Nike's. I got to do this. I don't know what you're talking about. I was going to be down to trading my shoes to someone else. Like someone who had shittier shoes and like, hey, I'm going to, these are all. some shoes, I'll give me these shoes. You should have left your shoes

in the bathroom, put new shoes, left your pants in there, new shoes and pants, so when they finally did it over, it's just like, well, it's a ghost wearing pants and shit in this girl's bathroom. So yeah, that happened, which means there should be harder testing for teaching. I'm just going to say it right now. I'll tell you what, I also applied

to be a substitute teacher, and I got accepted. I never ended up doing it, but I got me, the person who wrote, I am better than your kids, who constantly shits on kids who's written tons of screeds about kids they let me through. Yeah, sure. Oh yeah, they don't care. Come on in. Take anyone.

Substitute users, yeah. Anyway, maybe, look, man, maybe the cure is for all these... Well, you needed a better night's sleep, that's probably the problem. Yeah, today's show is brought to you by Casper. Get $50 toward any mattress purchased by visiting casper.com slash biggest and using promo code biggest. Michael, have you heard of Casper? The friendly ghost. It's a mattress. It's not a ghost. Oh, okay. It's not a ghost. You can't sleep on a ghost.

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Because when I... I don't usually text people very early. I texted you very early. You texted right away, which meant you were up and ready to go. Up and ready to go. When I wake up, I'm up. I don't sit there slumbering around,

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Add the S. It's biggest problems now. Make sure to get that right. Thank you for supporting it. us guys, thank you to Harries again. That's Harries.com slash biggest problems. All right, what do you got to do? My problem. My problem. Michael and I discussed this problem in advance.

Because we want to coin this problem, right? It's never been described. Everyone knows what it is. We all hate it, but there's no term for it yet. So we came up with something that we're presenting as a problem. I call it, we call it the texting batters box. Okay. Okay? Very, very simple, very simple analogy. What do we hate, what do we hate about texting

when we're talking to a possible romantic partner? Dick pics. Oh, I don't, I, I, I don't, I, I, I don't, I, I don't, I, you can take the rest of the afternoon, all right, yeah. Okay. Yeah, it used to be where you get up, you, we all want to score, right? We've got third, third base, pretty good, third base, pretty good, second base, eh, you did, you did, you did, still take it, first base, you know, whatever,

but at least I'm in play. At least I'm in play, I can get hit, Next ball can be a home run. Who knows? I can steal second. You're not looking. You know, I'll steal second base every day. Absolutely.

But you got to be up to bat. And that's what approaching a woman in real life is. You do your stupid pickup line or whatever. That's you at the plate. Now you're playing the game. Texting. Texting has added a step. I've said this before in the show too.

Texting has added a step before home plate where you are in the batters box. Absolutely. Taking cuts. You're in the batters box. warming up. You're taking cuts. You're putting your all into every swing. You're pretending you're at the plate. But what are you swinging at? Nothing.

When you're in the batters box, when you're in the texting batters box, you're getting nothing out of it. You're just texting into nowhere. There's no possibility of you getting to first base when you're in the fucking batters box. And that's what texting has introduced to relationships.

A texting batters box. Now the reason I brought it in, Michael, I hope you can add to this problem. Because you host a show. I do. Can you tell us about the show? Yeah. So I host a show called What to Text, which Maddox has been on twice. Twice now.

We got another episode coming up soon. And I was on the first episode with Mikey Bolts. That's right. Your buddy who used, your baby buddy. My man, baby buddy. You snuck into Disneyland. That's right. Really funny dude.

Yeah. Check that. That was a great episode, actually. That was a Fast and Furious episode. So what we do on the show is we do, we look at real text threads from daters. and we watch all the fucking pitfalls and all the work that goes into getting to on the plate getting up to bat up to bat yeah absolutely and it's when the game changes

absolutely yeah and see now girls and we do this too by the way this is on both sides they get everything they need out of text messages they get how witty you are they get how your grammar if you're smart or not they get so much out of you that they don't even have to waste their time

seeing you a person if you fuck up in the batters box Right? I mean... Well, you know, that's... I think that there's two sides to that coin. Okay. Because I don't necessarily know that you do get all the information you need.

I think people think they do. They think they do. Yeah, so I agree with you on that. Well, here's the thing. I am looking from a critical eye. When I'm texting with a girl, I'm the one making those calls. I'm the one...

You know, there have been girls who I have not gone out on dates with just because of the way they text. Sure. Why? What was wrong with the way they texted? Too many emojis. I was going to say, yeah.

Oh, my! fuck things up. No. No. Too many emojis. First of all, there's something going on with you. Maybe you're lying about your age. Maybe you don't understand English. Maybe you don't know how to communicate. Right? I don't know what it is. You're trying to communicate to me with fucking pictures.

Don't send me a fucking pictograph. This isn't hieroglyphs. Shithead. We have a language. It's very clear. It's very concise. You can say whatever you want, clearly. Be able to communicate. Because here's the thing. When I'm I'm going to go out with a girl, I'm not going to go out with a dud. I've not

not gone out with girls before on second dates for some of the most petty superficial reasons, which I don't know, I can... I find that hard to believe how long. What? I once, I don't know, maybe I shouldn't say this, but I once went out, I went out with a date one time, I went out on a date one time with this girl, just super hot. We totally clicked, we were into the same things, and honestly, I had a really great date with her.

but I couldn't Where is this? What did she do? That was the problem. No, I couldn't go out with her on a second date because she was Spanish and I didn't know this about people from Spain but they have, they pronounced C's like th.

Yeah. So it was things like Belenthea, Belenthea origins. You know that all started because the king at the time had a LISP, you know that, right? I didn't know that. Yeah, and everyone in the country had to speak with a Lisp at that time.

Well, this got a little annoying after a while. It's already annoying. You don't want to pretend like your fucking Sylvester the cat? That's a problem for you? I couldn't go. Because you asked her to say suffering, suck a dash? I couldn't bring myself. I was trying to steer the conversation to a place where she wouldn't have to say anything else.

And I was like, what am I doing? I can't do this. I'm not going on on a second day. I'm sorry, Hottie. Okay. Thanks, but no thanks. No, that's on you. You could have sex with first.

I mean, I don't know. Just stop listening. I'm just not into it. I'm just not into it. I'm not into it. I'm not into it. This is a waste of time. If you had sex,

you wouldn't want to hear her scream, yes, yeah. Yeah, there's no concern about that. He would actually give her terrible sex just to not hear it. That's impossible, buddy.

I'm sorry. You're right, you're right. I don't even know how you would do that. It's always a 10. Yeah, that's tough. I don't know. But you do get a lot of the text, though.

I mean, I see what you're saying, though. People think they get a lot more than they do, but. That's what I think. But, I mean, you know, to be honest, I don't like bad spelling and the your, yours and yours.

Right. I don't like when that's happening on text, so I kind of judge people. I only use U.R. What do I got time for all these letters? Did you abbreviate the? Yeah, fuck Y OU apostrophe, R.E. Sure. Fuck Y O. You are.

I got, I'm a busy guy. I got shit to do. You figure it out. Yeah, I don't. Everybody knows what it is because they always jump down your throat to correct you. It's like, why the fuck does it need to be a different word then? Sure. If you know what it is.

Well, this show, well, this show is really about that. It's breaking down how these text threads go and what signs you should be looking for. And we talked a little bit about this. An episode we just shot. We had a kid, a young guy. And this is to help guys, it's kind of skewing towards guys to help them learn how to text. We had a young guy on there, and this was the same day we shot, but a... Guys are bad at communicating.

They are. The guys are worse than women at communicating. I think so. Because we don't. We don't do it. We sit around together and we grunt and we... Speak for yourself. I'm a writer and I'm great at communicating, I think.

I'm a good textor. Do you want me to play a drop? Don't need to. I'll just say it. Let's do it. I don't know if you could ever recreate exactly how condescending that was. This is what Maddox thinks of himself. You know, I'm a writer.

You know, I'm a writer. You know, I'm a ringtone. That's awesome. That's awesome. I'm a writer. That's my ringtone. So you see how differently that sounds in person. than it would come across in a text?

True, that's true. Very subtle but important, I would say. I think a girl wants to hear that, not I'm a writer, period. That's true, that's true. Well, we, so we had this kid who came on, and as I'm reading the text to prepare for the show, I'm realizing there's something going on. This is very strange.

It was because we had a girl that was texting him at two in the morning, very sexually aggressive. Like, I want you to come over right now and teach me some magic spells and shit. What's that? I don't even know where that came from because I asked the kid, are you a magician? It's called Harry Pottering. Yeah.

Harry Pottering, exactly. Actually, we led to that, which was hilarious. I'm not serious, Alex. So, all of a sudden, as we're going through it, I'm just like, God, there's so many signs here. We do a theme of the show. And so we did an M. Night Shyamalan theme because of the movie signs. And I'm like, okay, as we're writing the show, I need a twist. We need some twist here.

So we're getting through it, and we, the girl is super aggressive the whole time. Now, the guy was at work until about four in the morning. Works at some bar. So we were kind of asking him, are you not? He was very apprehensive in the texting, but we thought, oh, he's busy at work. He's not going to text this girl. But if a girl's texting you to have sex with her, every guy is just going to be like, yes. Oh, yes.

Yes, where do I need to be? Number? Yeah. So constantly this girl. But she was hiding something the whole time. She's like, I delete my apps. They met on that happen app. Have you heard of happen?

Yeah. Yeah. Okay, so they meant on that, which is a stockery app to begin with. It's basically an dating app where it matches you with people in your proximity. Yes. So if you cross paths in a coffee shop, they will pinpoint you and go, I want to meet that person. Right. It's kind of stock rush.

It's kind of stochrish. It's kind of, so this kid met her on this. Anyway, as it continues on and on, we're kind of like, oh, something's up here. This is where girls don't do this. No. And so she drops the number and we put the phone number, her phone number, into the reverse Facebook lookup. And it turns out this girl, Lisa, was actually a Vietnamese.

boy named Henry from San Diego. He's in high school. And I dropped this live on this episode. This episode air is May 16th. It's called What to Text? You will watch pure panic on this poor kid's face. We have a panel

of techsperts, comedians. In fact, if you ever want to come on, it's a blast. You will love it. Maddox has been on a couple times. And so yeah, this poor kid looked at me when it was all... It's a jokey comedy show, but this poor kid's looking at me and it's all... The dust settles and he just looks at me and goes, uh, so

are you serious? I was like, uh, yeah, dude, yeah. So, but here's a scary part about that. That's as big as loss as it gets. Absolutely. I thought I was getting laid. I thought some, I thought some woman wanted to have sex with me. Oh my God, and now absolutely nothing.

She wanted to wear his skin as a suit for all we know, or he. He? Like, he dodged a bullet, really. Well, I mean, how funny would that be, though, if you were a teenager? Yeah, I'd be like, I don't know. There's better, they're better pranks. They're better pranks. My prank, when I was a kid, I totally got busted doing this, though.

I went through the phone book, and, you know, back when we still had phone books, and I was going through funny last names, and I saw one that was booger, and I thought, oh, I'm going to prank some boogers. And so I just called random boogers and asked for a random name. And I called, hey, this guy answered, said, hey, is Tom there? I go, no, there's no Tom here. I'm like, oh, sorry, I guess I picked the wrong booger. And my mom, and I was about to hang up, my mom picked up the phone.

No. This is, yeah, because this is a landline time. Yeah, another line. And then I'm like, Mom, hang up. Mom, hang up. And the wrong thing to say. Absolutely the wrong thing to say to a mom. Don't come in here.

Don't come in here. So that I quickly, I'm like hitting the receiver, like trying to send the signal to hang up the phone. Like trying to make static on it. I'm hitting the dial tone. And then I finally just hang up and I go hide. And then my mom talks to this. guy. No.

Yeah, his name's like Steve or something. He's like, yeah, I actually get these prank calls a lot. I'm like, I don't know how. There's tons of boogers in the phone book. And then he's like, yeah, I get these phone calls all the time. And my mom's like, well, I'll definitely be talking to my son. I'm so sorry about this. Really sorry to upset you.

Really sorry to bother you. I got in so much trouble. You know, I'm surprised that's that comment. That's a clever one. Like, I wouldn't have thought I picked the wrong booger. That's a good joke. Yeah, thanks, man. Yeah.

And this guy gets a lot. Yeah. I mean, I used to do the old, like, as your refrigerator running. shit. Yeah. But that's, that's clever. There were, yeah, any kind of any kind of weird last name, like clerks, any, you know, there's always a clerk joke or, uh, Baker. Hey, what he got

in the oven? Huh? You know, like, something a kid would say. Sure, sure, sure. Oh, Baker, huh? Do you guys ever get, do you ever get, do you ever get prank called? Yeah. As an adult? I have, yeah. And how do you, because you think, like, how do adults respond? Like, really? Like, when they get hung up, and I'm like, like, Liam Mason and taken. Listen, you, you motherfuckers.

That would be the best way to respond. Well, that's my problem. I hate what it's done. I hate what it's done to dating. And you're saying you have to actually, you have to basically teach these guys a skill that I think is fucking worthless. Right. Like the ability to text a woman to kind of trick her out on a date so she can meet the real you.

But that's a skill that we need. Or God forbid you meet someone in person nowadays. Oh, God forbid. Then it's on them. Then they're terrified to text you. Right. Which is like... Where you want to be.

Well... Or they just don't text. But like tons of women are just afraid to text back. Absolutely. What is this problem? Always be closing. I'm like to the phone number. Like text three.

Boom. Let's get... What are you doing this afternoon? What are you doing right now? You don't want to get coffee? When? When? Never?

Okay, fucking forget it. Lose my number. Later, hottie. You're a great. You're very sexually accomplished. We get it. We're talking about regular guy problems. They can be a rare guy.

problem if everybody started doing this guys get to the fucking point and not just guys chicks too oh my gosh these texting streams i'm with you i get it i've been there yeah if it's going someplace then let it go there and and get on with your lives move on with a date meet shit or get off the pot basically right absolutely i think you can i think you can tell a lot about a person based on the way they text and by the way guys um that's a preview on how they post on facebook if you don't like what they're texting you guess what their facebook status updates probably going to be the same shit. Oh, you're going to hate it. Oh, I don't add anyone on Facebook for that reason. I don't want to know what they're putting on Facebook. Oh, yeah. That's another

It can only be bad. That's another date. That's another date I went out at what time. I wouldn't go out with this girl. She, I was sitting there. We were at a coffee. It was a decent date. We went to get coffee together after dinner. And we're sitting around chatting and I told her how much I hate inspirational quotes on Facebook. And she goes, oh, but I post those. I thought, before she even finished a sentence I said, hidden, I would hide you. And she goes, what? Are you serious? I'm like, yeah, absolutely.

I would hide that. I can't stand it. She goes, oh, okay then. And the date ended shortly after. Yeah. You send her on her way with an inspirational quote. Yeah, try harder. Post last.

I stopped dating a girl once because she farted in front of me. Really? That's good. Yeah. It was just too early on. Yeah, too early. But in her defense, it was an accident. She like jumped

It was like I don't know She jumped on a bed It just sneaked It popped out I like farts You like farts Yeah

It's when a girl Because that shows That they are comfortable Around you Yeah This one was an accident And they have no manners Either one of those

It depends on the girl But it does smell Because it was a smell Attached Because that alone Oh there was Well I mean Yeah

Fart goes out your Buthole Oh that's true It does come out of your Farting kills It for me a lot I forgot about that I was with someone

For eight years And she fart around me twice and it was always odd. It was always awkward. It was like, hinging. Like, I'll leave the room. I'll go somewhere. I don't want, by the way, it's equal. I'm not just farting on them and then going, if you fart, we're done. Yeah, me too. I'm not trying to have my cake and eat it too. A little classy gentleman over here on this side of the table. You with your fart serrella's over there. Not me, man. I'm fucking fart canon. I don't give a shit. And it starts out with like, huh, oops, I farted and I let one loose, right?

To like, you run from one room to the other as quickly as you can to plant your. butt on their chest so you can let one rip so they can feel the one. I know couples like this. Disgusting. Disgusting. I know couples like this. Oh, absolutely. See, I know couples like this.

And even my brother threw one through a curveball at me. He's like, yeah, we do this. The Dutch ovens and shit. Yeah. Maddox dates like he's dating a fraternity brother. Yeah. Nothing wrong with that? No.

That's my problem. All right, guys. There you have it. Yeah. Thanks for coming by. Let's get a full clean plug out of you. Okay, sure. Let's hear all the things.

you're involved in Michael. Okay, so on YouTube, I do YouTube.com the Hacks of Life. That's my life hacking how to show. We'll link to it, sure. Yeah, and then I also do what to text, which matters. Is it all wacky bullshit, like the man baby?

Yeah, I do. I've hacked Dodger Stadium. I've hacked... Jims, you did a hotel pool. Actually, and we did one together. We snuck into a nightclub in Hollywood. Yes. Which was fantastic.

I dressed up as a janitor. We got, what's it? Brittany Palmer from the UFC. The UFC Ringsside Girl was in it. And then, oh, man. Gosh. Yeah. We had an Ocean's 11 full-on hack.

We hacked a nightclub. Maddox is part of the hackpack. Oh, cool. We had a hack pack pack. And from every vantage point, we hacked a nightclub. And Maddox dressed as a janitor. And inside his, he walked right in, by the way. Warked right in the service entrance without batting an eye.

I started walking bow-legged, too. So they think I have an injury, they're less likely to talk to you. And people thought you weren't there, remember? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. One woman's question. One woman didn't, though. One woman didn't backstage behind the curtains when I took the janitor mop bucket back there.

She said, hey, you work here? I'm like, yeah, yeah, of course. Trying to throw any kind of accent, like, something, right? And I'm like, yeah, yeah, I work here. She goes, your suits too clean. I'm like, I just started. She goes, you don't work here. I'm like, lady, don't bust my balls to.

Leave me the fuck alone. Clearly, I don't. Shut up, shut up. Classic Ocean's 11 diversion tax. Executed flawlessly. By the way, he added a limp to your character, which when you watch the episode, it's very subtle.

Yeah. But it's so great. He added a limp to his janitor. And he walks right in, and by the way, so we don't just sneak into the club. We sneak bottle service, our own bottle service. Oh. So inside the janitor bucket, when Maddox removes the mop, is our giant $40 bottle of gray goose.

Gray geese. Sorry. We can never say the brand. Ice. ice bottle shaker everything inside his mop bucket hidden oh that's cool and it's a brand new mop bucket too so it's clean so yeah it's super fun we'll leave to it yeah thank michael thanks for coming by thank you so much my problem this week was voicemail i'm sure i'll hear more about it in the voicemail i think everyone agrees with you i do yeah i'm with that yeah yeah so my problem is voicemail my problem is the texting batters box and my problem is humorless stupid people that's good

thanks for listening So you're more voicemail. Yeah. My favorite. Here's a guy who called in while he's on LSD. To prove you wrong. Okay. Or so he says.

Sure. Well, actually, Maddox. And the dick. And the dick. I finished the episode and saw your challenge Maddox to call in on LSD. No. I know. So I took approximately 350 micrograms, which

is a substantial dose that a bit more than average. He sounds just fine. Yeah, it sounds totally fine. I have to be easy about my words, but I am completely functional. I'm completely aware of what is going on around me. He's shitting, by the way.

I find myself thinking, going on these like tangents in my brain. That's asking apart everything I think about in every sentence. This was not to prove you, He forgot he was on the phone call. Yeah.

That's what it is. In any way. I thought you'd find that somewhat interesting. So, there you go. Did you find it interesting? Oh, yeah. Totally sounded, unimpaired, uninhibited. I totally trust that guy behind the wheels.

Here's one from Weird Matthew McConaughey. I don't think if I played one of his in a while. He does the thing sometimes where he calls in and asks a question of the week. And then we answer it and he calls in with the correct answer next time. Okay. And it's always things like, well, let's hear what it is. Yeah. Hey, Madcox.

I got a question of the week for you again. Okay. Maybe even problem of the week. Here it goes. I think this goes back. Dinosaur times. Even dinosaurs had problems with this. All right.

Here goes. When a woman is mad. A woman is mad. And do you try to sue her with your words? I say something comforting or say nothing at all. When you know, neither will work. So basically, quite a way we say the question. It didn't make sense.

What do you do? When a woman is mad, what's better to say something seething or say nothing at all when you know neither will work

we got it you just repeated yourself now we got it I can't wait to hear you fuck this up okay because he's always got the right answer

allegedly like he called in one time and asked us some ridiculous question and then we answered and the next week he calls it goes yeah you guys pretend like you don't know what your pre-cum tastes like.

Well, he was right. He was right about that. Everyone was acting like that. I don't know. I still don't know. I'll never find out. I don't believe you. You already went over this. So that's the question.

What do you do with a woman who's upset? What did he say? Do you try to sue with her with your words? Or do nothing. Because you know that either one will have no effect. I mean, that's a trick question. Yeah. Well, it's a weird matter of kind of question.

Yeah. It's not very tricky. I love weird Matthew McConae. That's great. He's sounding more weird lately than McConae, but he started out very McConae. Okay. Okay. I think that I would soothe. I would soothe with my words. My words are like a massage for you, a sexual massage for your ears. For your ears?

An erotic massage right near your holes. Okay. Michael, you want to give this a shot? You won't be here to celebrate if you get it right, bud. You know what? I think saying nothing at all is not smart. I think that that becomes a passive-aggressive game. I think you should try to say some words. Don't be passive-aggressive.

Communicate. Soothe. Sue. Okay, let me give you guys a dick tip. Everybody listening. You got to get her dancing. That's what you do when chicks are pissed off. Get them up.

Get them moving. Okay. That's what they love. I'm going to get my eyes scratched out if I ever try that. Well, you got to do a different. No, it's not bad. Grabbing dollars out of the air, dance. I don't do that fucking dance.

It's a fucking serious. That's racist. With that job villain, Tramob. I need you guys. All right, thanks for listening.