The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 104

Episode Date: June 29, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe from being insensitive to being hypersensitive. With over 6 million downloads, this is the only show where you decide what should or shouldn't be on the big list of problems. I'm Maddox with me as Dick. Hey, what's up, buddy? Sean, our audio engineer. Hello. Welcome back. Nothing like a straight rhyme.

What is that called when it's the same word rhyming with itself? A true rhyme. Is it? Yeah, I don't know what it is. Yeah, there are a lot of rappers who are really good at that. Oh, yeah. Yeah, they can rhyme Dick with Dick. Oh man, yeah. Being insensitive is a problem and being hypersensitive is a problem.

As I found out this week, Dick, there was a big meltdown on Twitter and social networks. Did you meltdown? Well, no. Oh. Well, my fans would say yes. My listeners would say yes. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. But they'd be wrong, right?

Well, hold on. Of course, John. Hold on. Is this about the cuckening? Yes. Okay. I got more emails. about this than I think ever. Oh, yeah. You did not say

on the internet that there's nothing wrong with cuckolding. Did you? Dick? Because that's what people told me. I said that. All right? And I want to come out here on this podcast. I want to use this. You already did that online.

Why would you say that? This is my platform to clear the air here. I want to go on the record as saying nobody gives a shit if you're a cuck. There you go. There's nothing wrong. with being a cuck and no one gives a shit it's a stupid lazy tired insult that's right fuck you go ahead and blast

my ass some more you idiots look I came out last your girlfriend's ass some more you mean sure sure yeah yeah you know a lot of the comments are really really nasty too like hateful um there's always a racial element involved of cuck of your comments or of oh yeah no yeah they say hey maddox

some minorities have bigger cucks and yeah that's there you go Sean boom this comment Joshua Sanders says hey maddox did your girlfriend's boyfriend boyfriend Tyrone give you that opinion about the KKK. Like, it's always, they always try to... Yeah, I don't know, we mentioned the KKK. Like, we always...

So this whole thing came about for all the listeners who are in the dark right now. I made this tiny little meme, this tiny little picture of... Speaking of cucks. Tiny little... Okay. Yeah.

So it was Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump together. And I made a parody of the Dumb and Dumb and Dividee cover a long time ago, you know, dumb and dumber. And I put Hillary's face on one and Trump's on the other. And I said, unlikable and unlikable. Okay, let me tell you something.

First of all, funny. Secondly, that's what I want to see out of a comedian, right? Not picking sides. Yeah. Great. It's okay, I see the other person up there too. Good, good, good, good.

That's funny. I said two... You hate the whole process. Exactly. I said two candidates, zero winners. You know, two candidates, one country, zero winners, right? I'm not picking sides. I don't have a horse in race.

I think they're both awful. So I posted this up there. Back to basics. I criticize Hillary Clinton on my website. Way back when Grand Theft Auto, there was that big controversy when they wanted to ban Grand Theft Auto and have all this regulation. Oh, she's very anti-video games.

Exactly. That was Hillary Clinton leading that charge. Anti-Men, too. But please continue. I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I think she's anti-human. She has some, there's this uncanny valley between humans and Hillary Clinton. But anyway, I criticize both candidates. Guess which side had a huge apoplectic shit fit about it?

Well, Trump. Of course. And so the number one insult they kept saying over and over and over again is like, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock. Yeah, but, Maddox, you don't have any Hillary fans. That's what people say, but here's the thing. I get blasted on this show and all the time, oh, Maddox, you're a liberal, you're a liberal, you're a liberal, Maddox, you're liberal.

But here's my question to you then, okay? If I'm such a fucking liberal, then why do I have so many Trump supporters following me? Do you shitheads enjoy listening to? liberals? Do you enjoy listening to liberal commentators, you morons? I think you kind of pulled a, I think you've gone more left in your comedy over the years. Like I think you

were very, it seemed like you were very right wing at one point when you were like, for any animal you eat, I'll eat three. Still, believe that? Of course you do, but that, that seems like it belongs in a right wing camp. So I'm sure, like, no Hillary supporter supports

that, right? Like, aggressively, aggressively anti-vegan and pro-species. Like you're pro-the-human species more than other species. That fits in more with a conservative way of thinking. Right. Where it's like we're doing, we're producing, therefore we're better than you. Whereas a liberal agenda would be like, we're all in this together. Correct.

Let's take from the producers and give to the people who don't produce anything. So people got the idea that you're more right-wing, I think. Right. And I've criticized environmentalism. I've criticized the wage-gap truthers. uh, feminism on my website, like all these,

all these things. And I, and I, and I have a very moderate view on guns. So, um, I think the only reason I get, cuck.

Only one view to have on guns. So anyway, I got called a cuck a lot. That's the only insult they have. And you know why? And I'm, I don't like to use this word. And I'm only going to say it,

you know, probably this one time on the show. But, well, let's have the whole episode then if we're saying dirty words. Not just once. No, because you're already saying it. Let's just blow the barn doors.

I got that cuss control book right here, buddy. I'll pull that out. I'll pull a red card on you so fast. Don't say the word. Only Denzel is allowed to say that. No, it's a different word. No, it's not that word. Because my mistake, I'm used to our off-air conversation.

You know what Sean's thinking this entire time, huh? Sean's one of those guys. You're like, I bet that guy loves saying that word. No, because I know that Cuck has replaced this word. So I know what Maddox is going to say. You know what I'm about to say. It's just a replacement for the word faggot. Like, they just want to call you a faggot.

Oh, you said it twice. You said you're only going to say it once. I meant in this instance. All right. They just want to call you that so bad because it's that itch they want to scratch, right? Did we get a clean audio on that, Sean? Should he say it again just to make sure we've got a clean audio of that? They want to say it so bad.

So now that I've taken that word cuck, right, and I've embraced it. I'm like, you know what? I'm going to. You are, so you are a cuck. You're saying. Dick, the biggest cuck. Let it go on right. Oh, dude, I can't take this.

I think that that everyone listening right now. I was a cuck, you're a cuck. I'm a cuck. You're definitely a cuck. You're the biggest cuck I've ever seen. Oh, no fucking way. There is something very wrong with cuckolding. Yeah.

It's a sexual fetish, by the way. So who gives a shit? Look, look, you don't know any, the bottom line is this. You don't know any cucks. I don't know any cucks. We've probably never met one. I know one person in real life that I've met that is an actual cuckold. And it's a weird little fetish thing that turns into threesome sometimes.

Hold on. Do you want to explain what that is? Wait, wait, wait, wait, no, hold on, because that's wrong. That's not right. First of all, I know a lot of cucks because I sleep with married women. Well, I mean, I don't know if they know or not. I don't want to get into the semantics. I'm talking about the original definition, like where Shakespeare is used it as an insult.

Because it's like a cuckold is a man who's blowing his resources unwittingly on another man's offspring. Right. Like that's like, it's like the most emasculated you could be. Well, that's where it originally came from, but it's no longer that. Oh, I think it is. No, no, the porn industry, dude, it is like one of the biggest categories. in pornography. People love the cuckold category. Yeah, but that's not what it is today.

That's not what people are saying when they say it to you. Oh, I know. I know what they mean. They know what they mean. I understand the context and I know what they mean. What do you think the context is then? Well, if you want to be eloquent, they're specifically saying that a cuckold when it comes to policies is somebody who sells out their country and for the interests of another. Yeah, sure, yeah. So that's like a sucker, like a chump. Exactly, yeah. That's the eloquent way of saying it, but that's not the way they're saying it.

They're saying it as a knee jerk just like, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, no thought behind it. Exactly. I mean, I do think it's, I do think there's a place for it. Like, I think, like, you like using this word? I don't use it. Why not? Because I say faggot. No, no, no, I'm joking.

I'm joking. I think there's always, always an attack on masculinity. Like that's what we do And it always evolves It's cuck now It was beta for a while It's beta yeah

It was people don't usually use beta No Bada was like 70s Because everyone was No no no I think beta was more recent Like with pickup artistry When that became big

It was like you're a beta Like that was the zeitgeist And then people became Like self-aware of themselves Saying it too much It lost all meeting So they invent a new word Wait beta?

Beta? Like you're a beta male Like you're a beta male Like a non-alpha As opposed to an alpha Like a beta fish. That's not what they meant. No, there's an alpha male and then there's the beta mills.

No, it's a beta fish because you were like a little guy in a little tank. I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. It was definitely beta male. And then before that it was, oh God, I don't know. But, you know, forever ago it was pussy, like a pussy cat. Yeah. Like that was like the 30s or 40s, 50s. Or yellow, yellow, yellow.

Yellow, yeah, exactly. Yeah, yellow, pussy. Like it is. Well, yellow means coward. Yeah. But we don't use it. We don't use it anymore. That was the 1800s version of cuck.

Sure. Like you say, like, you're chicken, you know. Let's not, like, just to quickly wrap this up. So because I made this video and I thought, you know what, I'm going to, I'm going to poke this, the hornet's nest here. Yeah. I'm going to make a video about cuck, and I'm going to try to normalize it a little bit because who gives a shit, honestly, who gives a shit? About the sexual fetish, right? About the sexual.

That's very specific, though. No, but if you're getting cuckolded in real life and you don't know about it, that's just called cheating. you're getting cheated on and it sucks. Unless you got to raise their kids. Well, of course, but that's, look, man, I mean, that does happen, but it's extremely rare. And to use it as an insult, it's just, again, it's a replacement for the word faggot. They want to call you an emasculated male or weak male. They want to make fun of you.

And that's the only word they have left, and they feel so threatened that I've started to take it away. And because of the butt hurt after this video, because of the, because of this video. I can't hear this. Because of this video dick. I feel the storm in my bones. I have like, I just have like arthritis for trolling. Like I feel the rage in my, I'm like, oh, I got a crick in my ankle. There's some real rage of storm brewing on the internet today.

Oh boy. Batting down the shit hatches before we get covered in shit. Oh, you look at my Twitter feed, dude. It's just like nothing but swastikas and cuck and swastik. It's like just the most hateful shitheads, right? And so I thought, you know what? You deserve it. I'm going to go, I'm going to take this a little bit further.

And I made it a t-shirt. And I made the t-shirt say, it says, it says, it says, the word duck on it, but the C is kind of like highlighted, so it looks like c c, and I put a duck on there you mean the C's highlighted. So there's the D, lowercase D, and then the loop, the C, the loop and the

C, the C, the C, well the it's supposed to, like just visually it reads Cuck, but it can also, it's like very subversive. It can be cluck, it could be duck, it could be any number of things. It's a very subversive way of putting it on T-shirts. Just to piss off these fucking, these crybaby,

these PC sensitive, overly of morons. And that's why I have the intro. Yeah. Okay, wait. So you've, you've turned their outrage into a marketing opportunity. Yes. So who's the cuck then? They're the biggest cuck of all. They're supporting your resources with their time. That is the definition of being cuck. Exactly. I've turned them into cucks. They don't like to see someone else fucking their memes, do they. Cuck the doodle do, bitches. Eat shit. All right, that makes me so happy. You're too excited, though. I know. That's what's going to hurt you. You're obviously excited. I'll give a shit. I'm writing the precipice of this of this hurricane, this whirlpool.

Here we go. You're writing the eye of it. No. The biggest problem in the universe from last week was humorless stupid people speaking of cucks. Humeralous stupid people. I don't think you needed the stupid part. But yeah, that's good. That's great.

Then the texting batters box, which we'll get to your flack you got in a second dick. And then voicemail was dead last. They were all in the positive territory But Michael Capes, our guest Everyone really liked Michael Capes as a guest His Humorless Stupid People Problem Number 1 last week Interesting

I take that back Maybe the stupid part is a important component of it Because I do think that wit Is tied to intelligence Yeah And as the mean intelligence gets lower The world sucks more

So all of these humorless people are causing the world to be shittier. I agree. Like they say it's just not funny, but it's like, yeah, but I bet everything else you do in life just kind of sucks more because you don't get this joke.

Yeah. Yeah. It's a big problem. I hope it got really highly voted up because it's a big problem. It's about in the 700 range right now. It's not high enough. Not high enough, no.

But yeah, man, vote up. Lesser Minds, guys. Vote up anti-intellectualism. These are all problems that lead to humorless stupid people. But the humor is easy to is spot. Because you can't peg someone

if they're like, are you anti-intellectual or what? But you know when somebody doesn't think something's funny. Yeah. Right? That's a good test. Because they're not laughing.

And they're usually the only one's not laughing. Or they're offended too easily. They're hypersensitive. Are you ever, you guys ever around a bunch of dumbasses? I'm around them right now. Oh, fuck you. And you're the smart one in the group.

You're the smart one in the group and somebody tries to burn you and everybody laughs. You know, it wasn't clever at all. Yeah. It's like, no. you didn't get me. That was a stupid-ass joke. Oh, dude, I just saw this video. You know Christopher Hitchens?

Yeah, do you like that guy? He's dead. He's okay. He's okay. He was on Bill Maher ripping on a, like, ripping on a George Bush's dumb joke that Bill Maher was making to the audience. And he just, Hitchens just says, that's a joke for stupid people and breaks it down for the, it's like, there you go. It's down for the audience and basically calling all of them stupid and everyone in the panel. It's a great video because it's so uncomfortable. Like, you can, the Bill Maher's reaction is just like, come on. Like, he's just like begging him to stop because he's just like exposed that whole show for work. He's much smarter than Bill Maher.

Oh, God, he's a brilliant guy. Yeah, so. Speaking of idiots, let's talk about the batters box. Oh, okay, sure. You got your ass blasted a little bit for this. Well, I got a couple texts on it. People are like, are you sure you didn't mean the on-deck circle? I'm like, are you, yeah, yes, obviously, yes.

I played baseball for 20 years and I miss like, I call it a baseball stick. You know, when you're in the batters box, warming up with your baseball stick, so the ball thrower, the chucker, they call it in baseball. Yeah. He chucks it over the home diamond. The home diamond, right? And that's where you take your stroke to try to contact the baseball puck. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. That's how I understand it. And then you run down to the first headquarters. The first headquarters, right. Yeah, and then you can sometimes steal second headquarters. Well, you, I don't know about stealing. You definitely, you endeavor to usurp the second home headquarters.

Yeah, obviously I fucked that up. I brought, I saw so many comments calling you and say, hey, Dick, it's the on deck circle. And I was going to come in here and bust your balls a bunch about it. And then as I was thinking that statement, I forgot what it was called. And so I wrote it down just to make sure I get it correct. On deck circle. Okay, you nerds. Your baseball nerds are fucking ruining everything.

I don't know why I fucked it up. I fucked it up multiple times on this show referring to the batters box, too. Whatever. Everyone knew what you were talking about, these technical nerds. You know what happened to you is what happened to me last episode, which is I got called out for being a poker casual. You're getting these baseball nerds. They're right, though. Then you're a baseball casual.

You fucking, you cuck. I have no defense for that. They're absolutely right. Oh, what a cuckold. It's fun to say, though. I'll put you shit on it. It's great to share. You know, but we're doing it ironically, but that's all they have.

That's like, they're not verbal, they're not linguists. They're not cunning linguists. That's all they have. Anyway, guys, I got a big announcement to make. Before we move on, we'll get to some of the comments and stuff. But we'll be taking a small break for the next two episodes. So episode 105 will resume on Tuesday, May 30th. I need to take a little bit of time off because I'm gearing up for the launch of the new podcast.

and the new podcasting network. It's going to be the next step in growing this brand, bringing in a new audience and more new shows. And guys, this is going to be good for everybody and the network and the show because the rising tide will lift all ships. And as the network grows, it gives us a bigger reach, more sponsorship opportunities.

And a lot of new fans have been asking about, such as videos, produce segments, and possibly even live meetups, which is another thing we've been talking about for a long time. It's an exciting time, and I thank you, Oll, for your support. So for the next two weeks, here's what we're going to do.

This is the plan. We're going to have a best-off episode over the next two weeks, and I think you guys will really enjoy these episodes because much of the show is pretty modular, believe it or not. You'd be surprised. I believe it. You'd be surprised how well you can mix and match some of these episodes

and find some surprising correlations and unintended meaning when you combine certain problems. It should be a lot of fun to listen to you guys. I think you'll really enjoy it. And if there are any problems in particular that the fans liked, any fans favorites, I'd like to see them in the comments below. We'll make some mix and match. episodes and see what we cook up. It should be

a lot of fun to listen to it. But yeah, we'll be back to me. I think fans should send in some problems. That would be a good idea. Fan problems? Yeah. How, and you, oh, you mean record them? Yeah. Oh, well, I don't know. So what you're saying is way more ads, right? No. Oh, okay.

No. It'll be the same amount, but I think just a higher quality, just across the board. I mean, we really appreciate Harry's and Audible and Casper. I hope none of the current sponsors are listening. listening to this, just higher quality. No, no, no. Is that what you said?

No, I'm talking about the... They don't care. We're going to have more shows, more high quality shows on this network. If you enjoy this podcast and the voice that we bring to it, there'll be... I'm going to look for more opportunities for different hosts to bring that kind of voice. And again, once this network gets bigger, we'll be able to do a lot more. Live meetups is something I've wanted to do forever, right, Dick? Yeah.

Yeah, we've talked about this in the past. It's just a matter of budget and timing and logistics a lot of times. Speaking of announcements, I got a lot of calls regarding this. Oh, Hike Deloian here, or hate Dillion, as Dick said, that other times. And I just want to point out that it's been 52 episodes, one whole year, since Maddox first announced that he was writing a third book with no title yet and a big, giant black thing where his book title was supposed to be. And he promised us

I'm going to be releasing the title guy, so stay tuned. 52 episodes later, one fucking year later, and nothing. Like, what the fuck have you been doing with your time? Uh-oh, I know, um, casting at Twitch and losing at Street fighter and

shut up. He's bugging your thing, asshole. And, uh, I have to make the whole video about how Disney ruined the little mermaid. Oh, great. Great. Quality stuff.

How's your book coming, Dick? Dick, love you, and love the show. Wait, what? Oh, he was calling me a dick, and then comma, Dick, capital D. You should call you a cuck. Yeah, to make it easier to understand. Very, very confusing.

I got another one. I'll go out. Oh, okay. Yeah, I'll tell you what I've been doing, Hick Dillian. I've been, you're listening to it, shithead. I've been editing these shitty episodes and your shitty voicemail and all this other bullshit.

It all piles up. Look, the book's coming along just fine, all right? Don't worry about it's going to come. It's going to be great. It's going to be huge. It's going to be fantastic. It's going to be tremendous.

It's going to be the best words that are going to be in this book. Okay. I don't think we need to go through it. No, let's hear it. Let's hear it. I know you brought one in. Hey, Maddox. So it was 52 episodes ago or exactly one year.

Did you put them up to this? No. I didn't even know. I didn't even know. In that time, I think I know what happens 52 weeks ago? No. When STD, then fired from my job, John Snow was killed and resurrected.

And we've learned nothing else about your fucking... And were you also on the game show? What the fuck happened with that? Yeah, the game show... You're telling us that you're making some podcast network. Get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out of here, shit, have. I love you.

I'm crazy about your baby. But I think you're making all this shit up. Yeah, I'm tired of this voice. Cut a while. I don't think that any of this shit is ever coming out. Three seconds. Great. Oh, wonderful.

Wonderful. You know what? You know what you fucking morons don't understand? She said he got laid nine times since you've announced you've announced you. your book. Nine times. Yeah, that's what he said in the beginning of that. Not that voice.

No way. No way. You get a chick in the sack with that voice. She's going right to sleep. Look, what the hell do you guys know about writing a book? Do you know how long it takes? No. No one's an author.

I'm a writer. Oh, boy. And I know what it takes to write a book. These people don't. I'm a writer. There you go. You know, I'm a writer. I'm just play this.

You don't even need to respond to them. You know what? I'm a writer. We'll just feel the rest of the episode with this drop. And then I'll go write my book. Yeah. An hour of this. That's not a bad idea, Dick.

All right. For some iTunes listeners, too, that's what it was. Because I think that went out by accident one day. It did. All right, guys. Do you want to do, do you want to move on to problems now? We're already a treatment. Yeah, we got, Dick, what do you start us off?

What's the biggest problem? Did you have more things or did you want me to go? Yeah, but, you know, it's getting top heavy. Let's get to the problem. That's why these episodes are the best. Top heavy. That's what that's the word you think of that when you think of this podcast top big old tities. All right, my problem is tipping.

Hey. Tipping. There you go. Yeah. Having to shell out additional money for something that you already got. Right. Eating, eating dinner. What is, what's the cost?

30 bucks? Nope. Nope. $36. Oh, great. The whole industry. Yeah. I fucking hate tipping.

Yeah. I hate tipping. Huge problem. I hate it. Yeah. Openly. I'm with you. Hate it too.

Hate doing it. Yeah. I feel like a cuck. Every time I do it, I hate doing it. And you know what the worst thing is now? Huh. Used to be, you sit down, you get some kind of a service, and you got a tip. Because we all feel sorry for the people doing that job, right?

That's why we're stuck with it. Because we feel sorry for them. Yeah. Okay. I can cope with that. But now, now, recently, people just start throwing that tip line on the receipt. Sure. Everywhere.

Now, you go to, like, a fancy, here's where they, here's, this is how they get you. You go to, like, tender greens, which is like a more upscale cafeteria experience. Right. Right. You get to the end of the line. It's the same as McDonald's. You're walking up to a person and you say what you want, except instead of a Big Mac, you're getting a quinoa duck burger, right?

And it costs twice as much, but it's the same experience. Sure. They're doing the same thing on the other side of the counter. Same amount of work or lack of... They're just taking order and punching it into the machine. Yeah, and then someone who doesn't speak English makes your food. There you go. Right?

Then you get it on the other end, except what they do, what makes them different than McDonald's, is they put a little line for tip at the end. And you're like, what the fuck? Why is there a line for tipping here? Yeah. And who, and I bet people do it. Yeah. I certainly never fucking do.

I never tip those people, but it's like, why am I seeing this here now? Yeah, unless someone brings me my food, there's no tip in those. Oh, fuck no. Skip right over that line. But even then, man, it seems like this forced gimmick that they try to use to justify their tip. I mean, here's the thing, man, if you're working in the restaurant industry or the service industry or whatever job that you have to, you have to, supplement your income with tips, wouldn't it just be better to have a living wage paid to you so that we don't have to guilt customers? And then you also risk getting no tips sometimes

if you have a bad night and you have a bunch of customers come in, especially tourists, because this is an American phenomenon for the most part. Tipping. Right. Yeah. So if you get a bunch of Europeans coming through or people who don't, you know, from another country that doesn't, that don't tip, they might come to your restaurant, a big party of 10, 20 people that you have to service all night long, keep bringing them drinks and bringing them or, you know, their appetizers and clearing plates and taking care of everybody. And then you get no tip at the end of the night. That's a shitty night, man. And that's a lot of pressure to put on the servers. A lot of central and South American countries don't tip. And if Americans go down there, they don't want you to tip or if you

do a very small amount, because yeah, you ruin it. Yeah, with your American imperialist tipping, marching all over the globe, ruining their society. Well, you know, it's, the restaurants get away with that because they can calculate. the tips and pay them less than minimum wage, right? And don't they redistribute the tips a lot of the time? Amongst all the waiters. Yeah, that's what I mean. So it's like, you know, the good ones subsidize the shitty ones.

Well, it's also, like a really, because you don't have to split tips with the restaurant staff, right? It's just about, like, legally, I think you just split it among the waiters and waitresses. Yeah. Now with the, so at a really expensive restaurant, there's a huge wage disparity between the waiters and waitresses and the kitchen staff. I brought in a bunch of stats on this because I fucking hate tipping. But go ahead. Oh, and the captain. There's the...

The captain of the... I forget what it's called. It's like the... Of the ship? No, it's like the hosting captain or the tip captain or something like that. The wait captain, there's a captain, and then they get a separate tip from the servers. I found... The Kirby Enthusiasm did a whole episode about this, but that's a real phenomenon in higher-end restaurants where they have like a weight captain.

And then the weight captain gets a percentage of all these servers tips. He gets a fiefdom? Yeah, exactly. Oh my God, it's so regressive. Yeah. Just pay them. Make a deal. You deal with them.

You pay them. And just don't fuck up the service. Like, are we pretending that $6 versus $4 that I'm going to tip this broad has any effect on how quickly I'm getting another soda? You know what I mean? Right. Like, I got a $30 meal, let's say. So I'm going to tip $6 because I'm a huge cook. And I'm like, well, I got it.

tip 20% in my mind I hate it I want to slap I just want to put down money I don't want it to be related to I don't want to put down anything I want to pretend that this is a job and not some like weird quasi flesh trade where I'm dealing out money because this waitress flirted with me

right right so so are we pretending that her behavior is going to be affected by the difference between a 10% tip and a 20% tip which in this scenario is $3. Are we this fucking stupid that we're collectively diluting ourselves into thinking that tipping and somehow

has anything to do with service? Yeah. That's fucking retarded. Go ahead. And it puts you in the position of being a hiring manager that you have to evaluate their performance during your fucking meal. You have to remember if they greeted you, if they came promptly, if they brought your food to you correctly, if it's warm, you have to be that hiring manager.

Can't you just sit down and enjoy the fucking meal? Why do I have to sit there and evaluate your performance? Yeah. And this is an HR interview. Yeah. Like, what, just, just bring me the food. Yeah. And how about the restaurant?

You guys make sure your service is good. Right. Don't put that on me. No, it's your fucking job. Don't make me the manager. If I'm the fucking manager, then you pay me shitheads. Yeah, you know, and the big argument, Dick, is that without tipping, service will go to shit, right? Service will be awful.

There's no incentive for people to come bring you your food. However. That doesn't work for my mechanic. And I have to tip him. Exactly. And that's pretty, that's a lot more. important than getting six Diet Cokes in an hour is making sure the wheels stay on my fucking car sure you don't have to tip your mechanic and he does his fucking job or my doctor or my dentist yeah hey bank teller make sure all this deposit gets in my account huh here's a little something here's a little something to make it worth your while just make keep a fair yeah yeah in fact go go ahead and just skim off the top because i don't have it as soon as you deposit it then i'll have it but go ahead and keep a little bit for yourself your troubles for your troubles for your troubles like a casino like a pit boss in a casino or something, you know?

Yeah. So there's this fairy tale that service will go to shit. But you go to restaurants in Europe, and the service is just fine. This is great. Yeah. They greet you with a smile. They're happy. Everyone's taken care of.

And they're getting a living wage. They're getting taken care of. You don't have to sit here and play this game where you're hiring manager. Psychotic. Yeah. It's insane. I just had this thought. I wonder if it's like some kind of sneaky, tacit conspiracy of, like, business owners

to obscure the pathway to raises among their employees. Like, if I'm, like, okay, here's a little, here's a little dick tip for you. If you're, if you want to fuck employees over, the best way to do that is to put abstract impediments toward their pathway to get a raise. Like, the last thing you want, if you're running like a big company and you want to, and you want to keep costs down for employees,

is for them to be able to just ask you directly for a raise. Right. You want to say, uh, yeah, you, we have performance reviews. reviews. That's the time you ask for a raise. You've got a hiring manager. You've got to ask them. Because then you can say, hey, if anybody gets a raise, you're fucking fired. The more impediments you put up, the more impediments you put up to someone getting a raise, the more money you keep. So we've got this system where all of the service industry can't ask for a reason.

How much are they making? I have no fucking, I brought this in. Sure. Because Uber recently settled a big lawsuit where they had to pay out like $100 million or something to all the people who have. people who have art history degrees who are driving me home drunk, right? Tim Chang's? Yeah, no, no, this was Uber, not Lyft.

Oh, okay. Never use Lyft again. They had to pay all this money, and one of the fears that was expressed, and certainly that I had, was that Uber would make tipping part of the experience. Right. Like, I would use Uber.

Uber could cost twice as much as a cab. I'd still use it because, number one, it's easy. and number two, there's no tipping. There's no, fuck, have you ever tipped in an Uber? No. No. Fuck, did you know that you can? No, I didn't.

You can go back through after your ride and give them a tip. When did that happen? That's always, as far as I understand, that's always been there. Really? I've seen the screen, yeah, and I, I would, but I would never use it. What kind of a psycho? Was it? So my concern, what's the kind of psycho would use this? My concern was that after the lawsuit, part of their, we treat our drivers fairly would be to jab,

cram a tip screen into your face when you're done with the Uber ride, right? Yeah. Which would be a nightmare. Then you're sitting at the guy, then all the sudden, millions of people would see that fucking line that wasn't there before. Tip. And some percentage of people are going to do it. And that percentage never goes down.

Like, it only climbs. Tendergreen throws that line up. People start tipping. Pretty soon you're going to be tipping at McDonald's. Because you'll feel like an asshole. Like you feel like an asshole now, not tipping on a third. $30 meal. Yeah, South Park kind of did something similar to this.

It wasn't about tipping, but it's about how sometimes grocery stores put a cause that you can support at the end of your payment, right? Round up to help support the community or help feed kids or whatever. I'll help this fund. And it becomes this way of gilting you every single time you make a transaction. You just, look, you work 10 hours a day, 12 hours a day. You go to the grocery store. You just want a fucking sandwich and go home and masturbate and go to sleep. You don't want to feel like you're guilted about having to make a decision about the rest of the fucking community when all you want is a fucking shitty sandwich from the deli.

Every single time. So, Dick, I have, I brought in an argument. Well, I want to hear some of the stats. I'm sure you did tons of reasons. I mean, I just, well, I just printed out some article that was on some. Somebody else did all this research. I didn't fucking do it. It pushes waiters into poverty and keeps in there.

In most states, restaurants are allowed to pay waiters for less than the minimum wage because of tipping, right? Yeah. Let's see. Let me get some... Which is insane if you think about it. Why is that a thing? Why is that... Why are they allowed to skirt the law? Why is this one industry allowed to skirt the law about minimum wages just because they invented this whole tipping phenomenon? Well, I don't like the idea of a minimum wage, but I agree with you.

Why are they allowed to skirt the law? Because of that. That part's bullshit. Servers make less... Let me see here. I'm trying to find something good. Well, I have... I have just for the sake of... It's all just the shit that we've been talking about, but go ahead.

Sure. Well, just for the sake of the other side of the argument. Now, Dick, I'm 100% on board with you. I think tipping is a scourge. Adam Ruins, everything did a great episode about this too. But one thing that I have heard recently, this is as recent as last weekend, I was at a restaurant with a server who used to work there. It was her last day.

She quit to move on and do a different profession. And the phenomenon of tipping came up Because she was talking about different tables She said, oh, that table over there They're probably not going to tip This one over here tips really well, et cetera, et cetera. You kind of get a feel for the customers, right? Then I asked her what she feels about tipping,

and she says she's strongly for. And so just to hear the other side of the debate, this server said that if it weren't for tips, she would never in a million years work of this job, and she said that most people wouldn't either because you bust your ass working those type of jobs. And she says some nights, She's able to pull $150,300 in tips alone, which makes it worth her while, and it's helped fund her through school.

It's helped fund her different projects and now the career that she's going into. And again, I'm against tipping, but this is her argument. Let's go back to the IQ thing, like the humor people. Yeah. Right. Humorless stupid people. Right. Because it's like, baby, baby, baby.

You understand that if there was no tipping, they would have to pay you more. Like, that's the whole point of tipping. is like you agree to do the job at a price that makes it worth it. You started this job because tipping exists. Like it's not like a surprise that you're a waitress. Wow, I got all this extra money at the end.

It's just a big bonus. I didn't even account for it. Dure. Well, so I... Mike, what the fuck? Of course you need the tips because they're built into the negotiation in the first place.

Right. So I made that argument. I said, well, what if it was a reasonable wage? What if it was enough that it was worth your while? Because I think her average, her average was something like $19 an hour with tips. And she said, here's what you don't understand. Because she said without tips, it would be something like $8, $9 an hour, whatever minimum wage was. Sure. So she said even if they paid me $19 an hour, she said that that would raise the price of the meal for everyone across the board.

So that's the other side of the equation. Are you okay with the restaurants? Yeah, we'd raise it to $36? which I already fucking pay with the tip. Like, just stop, just take out me, the middleman. Pay them what they need and charge me. What the fuck? Just like the mechanic does with my fucking tires.

So you're okay with paying more for every meal as long as you don't have to tip? It's not more. That's what I'm already paying. I just don't feel like I'm getting shafted. Like, I don't feel better because I'm like, oh, I'm going to whittle this person down from 36 to 35. Like, I feel like such a better person because I gave them 20% or 22% just charge me the fucking price. I just realized, Dick, that what we are doing as tippers is we're subsidizing people who don't tip.

Yeah, sure. We have to. We have to. Because if everybody comes in and they all pay the same price, first of all, the waitress, the restaurant is going to make more money. The waiters and waitresses is going to make more money, right? You no longer have to worry about these shitheads who don't tip. People, and people who just, you know what, they might not be shitheads. They just don't understand our culture.

They're coming to visit. They're tourists. They come into a restaurant to grab a bite to eat. and then they shaft the waiter or waitress unintentionally because they don't know our customs. I also think it's disgusting that girls have to flirt with guys to get paid for it. Like you get more tips if you put a heart on your...

Or if you write your name on your... I think that's fucking disgusting. Well, I think it's hot as shit. They write that little heart in there. I'm like, oh, she really likes me, huh? Oh, yeah. No, I slapped down. I was at a bar a long time ago, and I slapped a 20 down on the bill.

And my friends, like, I'm drunk. I went at that phase of drunk where you're the richest man in the world. Mm-hmm. You know, and the waitress was hot, and I was flirting with it for like eight hours. Yeah. It was a real bender of a day. So I slap a 20 down as a tip at the end, and my friend's like, oh, what do you think that's going to get you laid?

And I'm like, well, I didn't think that, but it definitely is. Yeah. Like, are you, have you never met a person before? Yeah, money is the, money's the most fucking, you think no one, you think no one's ever got laid because of money? Are you a fucking idiot? You've introduced a sexual transaction into something where it wasn't in the first place. And I did fuck that waitress, by the way.

There you go. Just to put that rumor to bed. Yeah, bitch. But really, what's the difference if you're doing that? And what's the difference between just going out on a date and trying to impress a girl and take her to a really nice restaurant? It's the same fucking thing. Except instead of tipping her for working for you, you're tipping the waitress who's working for you and still trying to impress a girl. girl. Either way. Or you get a guy

who's real funny. You get one of these guy waiters when you're on a date and he's like cracking jokes. I'm like, motherfucker, if you say, if you make one more joke, you are getting a zoo, like you're getting punched in the, you're going to open the receipt when I pay for it and my fucking fist is going to fly out of it and knock your ass out. What are you buttering her up? And these chicks like giggle over waiters running their tight 10 minute material on them. I'm like, well, you shut the fuck up and you, Get waiter, you definitely shut your fucking mouth.

I'm not here for dinner, not dinner in a show. I'm no cuckold, buddy. Oh, yeah. No fucking way. You know what? I was at a restaurant a long time ago. When I was in Utah, I went on a date to, believe it or not, the Olive Garden because that's what she wanted.

Yeah. It wasn't my choice, shithead. I don't go to restaurants with casters on the wheels normally. This is the girl. The girl loved Olive Garden. So I'm like, okay, we'll go to fucking Olive Garden, I guess. You know, get some real authentic hospitality. Oh, God.

Yeah, let me get some processed. The Italian Denny's. Yeah. The Italian Denny's, Sean, that's exactly what it is. So we walk into this place, and the waiter comes by and just constantly with the jokes. Joke, joke, joke, joke, joke. And they were just so cringy. I wasn't laughing.

She wasn't laughing. We were both kind of like looking down at our menus and putting our hands up to our brows. Trying to do the maze. Get Ollie the Olive back to Naples or whatever the maze on the... Yeah, I'm like scribbling as hard as I can with these crayons on my little, on my menu. So anyway, this guy keeps telling these jokes and he comes over eventually because they give you... That's why his book is taking so long. Why?

Because he's scribbling on olive garden. Shut up, Sean. That was this was like 10 years ago. Longer than that. This is a long-assime ago. This was during your first three-year book, right? Fuck you. So this waiter came by, like after all these jokes and stuff.

And they bring you unlimited breadsticks and salad. Oh my God. So he comes over with the cheese with the parmesan cheese. He goes, would you get his like more cheese? I'm like, no, thanks. We've had enough. Oh, boy. It's like dating a New Yorker cartoon with people.

Yeah. All right. That's my problem. Yeah, I'm done. All right, Dick. I'm done with a stupid problem. I hate tipping so much. And then people like brag about, oh, then you get like the service sucks.

We're like, well, I'm not going to tip this bitch. I'm not going to tip this way. I'm not going to tip this way. It's like, yeah, you are. So what? No one cares. You want to, like, you want to be a man? Get in their face.

Go talk. to their man, like you're not going to tip them and that's going to show them. Fuck you. They already lost that life. What are you going to do? What more are you going to do to them? You know what I mean?

It's cruel. Everyone acts like such a big shot because they hold that power of tipping over everyone else. I'm your fucking boss. I'm paying you. It's that snark that you come into the restaurant with that air of authority and snark

and it makes everyone's lives more miserable. Yeah, it makes you a prick. You're eating with a bunch of dicks. All right. I got a big problem, Dick, which may be a component of the tipping problem. Oh. Uh-huh. Bureaucracy, buddy, this is a huge problem.

I know. Oh, boy, where do I start? So, in a nutshell. Let's start with libertarian. In a nutshell, here's an experience that I think we've all had. You call into customer service about a problem with, yeah, Sean's already groaning. You call into customer service about a problem with your cell phone. They ask you if you rebooted your phone, like an idiot.

It's what most people do automatically when something doesn't work. We're all trained to do that. It's the first step of every troubleshooting manual. Turn the power off and turn it back on. Got it. Don't condescend to me. Okay? I'm calling customer service not as a first resort, shithead.

So then they have you do a hard wipe. So rebooting the phone doesn't work. Their next recourse is just to do a hard wipe on your fucking cell phone. They're asking you to completely delete and replace all your operating system files, all your settings, all your personal files, pictures, music, ringtones, text files, documents, notes, everything. That's step two. If rebooting didn't work, it's like taking your car into a shot because the engine light came on, and the mechanic says, did you turn the car on and off again?

Yeah. Well, time to rebuild the engine. Yeah. It's fucking insanity. And then, step four is, if deleting all of your operating system files and wiping your cell phone clean doesn't work, they suggest contacting the manufacturer. So you're supposed to call like a Tokyo-based company or Apple or whoever and hunt down the manufacturer's phone number. Well, Apple, you just go into the store.

Oh, sure. Yeah, those geniuses take real good care of you. They do. They'll replace your shit. How would you know? You're not allowed in. Yeah, I go to Apple stores. They don't even lay your website in there.

I thought you're banned. My website. My website is banned in Apple stores. But I constantly go to Apple stores and load up my... I load up... My fans do this too. It's hilarious. I get photos all the time of them.

loading up my YouTube page where I'm bitching about Apple, and they leave it on all the tablets in the store. Because that's what people used to do with my website, too. They'd pull up the iPhone sucks article and just load it up on all the, on all the iPhones. That's the Maddox militia at work. The one I was in had a picture of you on the wall. Did it really? Get out of you. Do not take checks from this man. Yeah, right. It was probably a portrait. It was probably framed. But this isn't, that's not bureaucracy. Customer service. Oh, man. It's the biggest bureaucracy. So then after you call the manufacturer, here's what happens, right? So you get you get off the phone with the phone carrier.

Then you call the manufacturer and you repeat the same steps. You tell them about your phone. You tell them about the problem you're having with your phone. And then they tell you to reboot your phone like you already haven't done it a billion fucking times. Then they tell you to do a hard wipe. So again, the same fucking steps. And it sounds familiar because guess who's telling the phone carrier the troubleshooting

steps. It's the manufacturer. When you call the phone carrier, they're getting these instructions from the manufacturer. And when all of that fails, guess what they say? They blame it on the carrier, and they suggest you call them to troubleshoot the problem. They tell you it's a network error or weather or acts of God or anything just to get you off the fucking phone. Yeah. It's the worst past the buck mentality, and I'm so fucking sick of it.

And they don't care about solving your problem. They don't care about you. They're there to collect a paycheck and to clock out at 5 o'clock every day. They get paid whether they do their job or not, which is why I'm cynical of anyone who thinks that government bureaucracy is a huge problem while turning a blind eye to corporate bureaucracy. They're both bad, and they're bad in the exact same way. bureaucracy is just the needless procedures and red tape that fills every moment of our lives. I mean, we deal with this fucking everywhere. Phone companies.

Okay, let me... Yeah. Well, okay. Okay, okay, okay. So that you're... Because all that sounded like tech support. Which sucks. It's worthless, right?

I got, my router doesn't work. Did you try unplugging it and plugging it back in? Well, I'd like to unplug you. Right? Like, that's what all tech support is. I don't know if tech support is bureaucracy, though. It's set up like that. It's set up like a bureaucracy.

But sometimes let's like, doesn't it sometimes work? Like as much as I'm listening to these stupid solutions, those are kind of the solutions I give. Like if somebody calls me and says their phone doesn't work, I'll say turn it off and turn it back on. And a lot of times that works. Like people who call tech support, are not that smart.

You know what I mean? Like, they built this system to handle the sheer volume of people who have no, who don't know that the monitor is not the computer, right? Right. But they have that, that's, those steps exist. Dick, this was, this was like something that was a phenomenon in the late 90s when computers were not that prevalent, when smartphones were not that prevalent. Now my, my mom, who is as technically unsavvy as it gets, she knows to reboot herself

phone, she knows my mom who doesn't know anything about computers. This is no longer this thing where we need to constantly drill these procedures. Because here's where the bureaucracy comes in play with airlines, for example. Have you ever, this is something I've had to deal with a lot. When I've been

traveling, like on book tour, I don't book my own tickets. So the publisher does, right? So sometimes I have to call the airline and have them make a change to a flight because it got delayed or I need to transfer or someplace else or something.

I'll call them and they'll say, okay, if it's United and I'm transferring with Delta, I have a branch going to Delta or another carrier. They'll say, oh, you need to call Delta. I say, okay, so I hang up the phone, I call Delta. And then Delta, I explained to them like, yeah, I didn't book this ticket. Here's my confirmation number. We can't find it.

We'll fucking look for it because it's there. It exists. I have this flight booked. Then they finally find it and they say, oh, well, we can't transfer you. You need to call United. So then I call United back and I said, hey, I just spoke to Delta. And Delta said I need to call you guys. And they're like, no, no, it's definitely Delta.

I'm like, you know what? Fuck you. Here's how we're going to solve this problem. And here's how I solve bureaucracy with airlines. And it's fucking infuriating. Here's what you have to do to solve your problem with airlines. You say, look, I know you can do a conference call. I want you to patch in Delta right now.

And you're going to handle this with the Delta rep directly. And it's funny because they call the Delta rep. This actually happened to me one time. A United Rep, conferenced in a Delta rep, right? And the Delta Rep didn't know that the United Rep didn't know that the United Rep, was a United Rep. They thought it was a customer. Uh-huh.

Who's getting smart with them? Yeah. And then the Delta rep said... You really did this? Yeah, absolutely. Two reps against each other at a conference. And they cooperated with this charade with you?

They had to. And here's what happened. The Delta rep said... Why is your publisher doing this, by the way? Speaking of bureaucracy. Because it was like six in the morning, no one in New York was in the office. No one in New York is awake at 9 a.m.

On a work day in New York. No, no, this was on the East Coast. This is how you were on the East Coast. This is totally something. Maddo. This is the guy you stayed up all night fighting with like a six year old on the computer. He was 14. So

the United rep was talking to the Delta rep, right? The Delta rep said you need to call United to handle this. He goes, I am United. And he goes, excuse me? It goes, I'm the United rep, actually. We have the customer on the phone with us. And then I'm like, oh, so now you see what I've been dealing with, huh, shithead?

And so the two of them started sparring saying, well, it's not our problem. And the United goes, it's not our problem. And I heard them arguing with each other back and forth. Finally, Delta relented and said, okay, we'll transfer him. And because, of course, it was like Delta's fucking responsibility because they were providing the next branch of the flight. Like, no one else can change

your system, shitheads. So it took me 45 minutes to an hour of arguing with these two morons until one of them, these bumbling idiots, got something done. And it took a conference call between having two reps talk to each other. I no longer, I no longer get involved

when it's two customer service agencies, two different bureaucracies, one company and a carrier or one airline and another airline, I say, you know what, you guys talk to each other, you solve my problem, because this isn't my fucking problem, it's yours. Well, and this is a symptom of a bigger problem, which is nowadays, I hate this. Well, yes, what it is. The customer or the consumer has to make, yeah, has to make the service provider be responsible.

You have to make them do their job. Maybe they need tips. What are you going to say? Maybe they need tips, yeah. You think that would help? No. No. So, okay, I agree with everything that you should.

saying. Yeah. And I think everything you're saying is a big problem, but I don't know that it's bureaucracy. Like I think pass the buck, huge problem. I think tech support, totally worthless. I would love to see, I would love to see some internal stats on what is a tech support, right? Like how often does, how often does unplug it and plug it back in work? Maybe a lot. It usually works. That's usually what you do. You know, because all the equipment is fucked and buggy and nothing works. Right. But I do think bureaucracy is slightly different than this past the buck that you're encountering. Like bureaucracy seems more like, what's up, Sean?

I was going to say, how about dealing with two different departments of the same company? You'll have to do that? The worst. And they're not networked. You have to go through the same steps when you get transferred. Health insurance. Like trying to get anything reimbursed with health insurance is like you'll call them and say, yeah, I need you to pay for my penis reduction surgery.

Yeah. Right, guys? Yeah. Sure. Right? We've all had that experience. And I'm like, well, you've got to fill out this form. Like, well, how many forms do I have to fill out?

How many people do I have to? If I, my previous employer didn't cancel my health insurance, so I can't get on my health insurance and my new company. Can you just fix it? I don't know. You got to call this department and deal with it. You said something else, though, that I want to go back to, which is government and company bureaucracy, which both exist.

Right. Well, can we get to the government stuff in just a minute? I want to address what you just said. Okay, go ahead. The reason there's a difference. The reason everyone complains about government bureaucracy is because company bureaucracy can be... Another company can come along with less bureaucracy

and the first company will go away. With the government, another competitive government can't come. You're stuck with that bureaucracy forever. Yeah. Like, that's why everyone hates it so much. Because the companies are competitive. They have... They are very incentivized.

to lessen their bureaucracy. The government is not. Sure. They just take more money. And we're funding the government. And we're funding, and we have to. We have a choice. Buddy, talk to a Comcast customer in Utah.

My friends in Utah are stuck in this desert of Comcast, which is the worst fucking cable carrier. They're shitty customer service, shitty support, shitty technology, shitty service, shitty everything. And I tell them, go with Xmission, guys. And this is a plug for X mission, my internet service provider. They're not paying me for this.

I love those guys. They provide great service. But they say we can't because Comcast has a monopoly in our area. And same thing in Los Angeles. Yeah. Same thing in every fucking city. They have Verizon areas and AT&T areas. And they don't commingle.

They don't compete with each other. Do you know how they're able to do that? I'm going to say, by paying off local governments. No, they flat out pay local like mayors and city council people to give them a monopoly of their town. Like it's small level government employees selling out their entire town. It's such bullshit. But it also comes down to airlines.

Airlines are all, they deregulated airlines in the 1970s, right? And airline tickets got a lot cheaper, but the service got a lot worse. And what's happening, what's happening now today with airlines, they're still deregulated as they were, is they keep inching up the cost of the ticket in secret, in hidden ways behind, like, after the fact, you buy your ticket and you think you're done, oh, well, there's a baggage fee. Oh, well, there's a surplus fee. There's a 9-11 fee.

There's a 9-11 fee. Did you know, they're currently. lobbying Congress to try to make Congress allow them to hide all their fees again. Yeah. So we pressured Congress to say, okay, airline companies, you can't just hide all the fees in one price anymore. Right. You got to say, here's the ticket price, and then all these bullshit fees. Right. They're trying to let them just throw it all up as like, well, there's a bunch of fees. Yeah. We're just throwing all the fees in there. We got no, we got no control over it.

Dick, I want to talk about the past the buck thing, because when I wrote down this problem originally, I called it past the buck because the past buck. Yeah, that's what. It's shit, babe, in my opinion. Pass the buck and this bureaucracy. And I'll tell you why I named it bureaucracy, because that's the umbrella that this whole falls under, is when you call every one of these branches of customer service, you call the carrier, they tell you to call the manufacturer.

You call the manufacturer, they tell you to call the carrier. They have to go through these same steps every single time. And if you interrupt the service rep and say, look, I just spoke to so-and-so. I already went through these steps. I go, sir, just bear with me, follow these steps. and they will repeat these fucking steps like robots. Yeah. That's bureaucracy. They have to go through these steps, these needless procedures every fucking time.

They can't be human and connect with you and listen to what you're saying and say, look, I have told reps on the phone that I just got off with Delta and they'll say, oh, you need to call Delta. I'm like, I, did you not hear the words coming out of my mouth, shithead? I said I just got off the phone with Delta. I'm not allowed to listen to that. No. They have to go through their procedure.

And then the only way you can get anything done with these shit. shit heads is you say I look I've already gone through this I'm not going to deal with this let me talk to your manager immediately I go right to the manager I'm not dealing with some low level bullshit let me give you tip on that what's that you start crying fraud you get oh yeah a fraud department and those fraud department guys are way more respond manager doesn't give a fuck anymore no fraud department they are gonna fix they're gonna do everything you want them to do first thing you say is fraud there's been a bunch of fucking fraud on my account I got hacked all kinds of charges you guys are stealing my money they like in their little script, they got to send you over to the fraud guys.

That will fix everything. That's a good tip. Oh, fuck yeah. Do it all the time. Also, here's another one for when you're dealing with phone companies. Tell them you're going to contact the Public Utilities Commission, which I have done multiple times. I've told them I'm going to contact the Public Utilities Commission because this is essentially what you're saying, Dick, is fraud.

Yeah, fraud. And they are so scared of getting a mark against the Public Utilities Commission. Again, so they're getting a little bit of regulation that kind of comes down. But here's the problem, Dick, with bureaucracy and how your pipe dream of different companies coming along and doing a better job doesn't work. That's not how companies work? No, because the bureaucracy...

At all? Hold on, hold on, Dick. Of course there are some examples where it works. I mean, I'm not disagreeing with you. There are times when some company offers terrible service and another one comes along and offers slightly better. Like Uber. They do better.

Yeah. But bureaucracy exists in so many different facets from phone companies to computer companies to cable companies to appliance, plumbers, electricians, power companies, the gas company, water companies, garbage collectors, debt collectors, banks, universities, even fucking churches. So if you have a bureaucracy with a church, let's say you're Catholic and you believe in Catholicism, right? Here's an experience that my buddy in Utah had to deal with.

He was trying to get married through the church, right? He didn't have to, but he just wanted to make his parents happy, him and his wife were both Catholic. He thought, I'm going to go ahead and get married through the church. there is so much red tape and fucking bureaucracy built into the system because in order for you to get your marriage approved for the church you have to prove

that you haven't slept together for like six, seven months or something, you have to sleep in different quarters, you have to go to classes, you have to go to marriage classes and counseling, then you have to pay some licensing fee, then you have to pay the priest fee, then you have to pay the booking fee.

Like there's all these fucking fees and shit. You're comparing like a religion to, like religions are 100% bureaucracy. That's all they are. I think it's funny that you're upset that a religion, like, I want to get married in a church. Like, he wants to participate in this retarded tradition. Like, of course they have to do all these stupid steps.

Like, the entire religion is built on those steps. You know what I'm saying? Like, my nephew got baptized. We had to do the same thing. You got to go to these dumb classes. You have to go through lots of rigameral. You have to go to camp and all this shit. It's just a way to cut to ease.

We don't have to do that. But I'm sure it exists. Because, yeah, but the day of the baptism, my nephew was like nine months older, a year old, or whatever. So I went with my sister on the baptism classes because I know she, I was going to be the godfather and I hadn't been certified, right? Yeah, you have to be certified.

To witness, you're going to be certified. That's what happened with me. I was going to be godfather for my friend's kid. Got to be certified. Yeah, you got to be certified. It's, I mean, it's, all of religion is 100% bureaucracy in that way, right? Like, you got to be certified by God. You're not certified enough.

You got to go, you got to go take more class. You got to get confirmed. Yeah, you got to learn more about God. You got to fill out these godly forms. And I went, I did it with her because I know she's just doing it for my grandma and she doesn't believe me that shit. But when it came time to do the actual baptism, she forgot the donation at home. And then her husband was like, well, we could drive by later and drop it off. And she's like, or we just don't, or we just won't.

Like, what are they going to take back the baptism? Baptism. Yeah. Right? Yeah, there's that huge bureaucracy. But the point is, Dick, like, these last few that I mentioned, banks, universities, churches, universities, there's so much bureaucracy in university. If you try canceling a class or trying to get your record corrected, you have to go through three different departments. You call the student housing department.

And then the student housing, they'll say, oh, you got to call the dean of your department. You call the dean. They say, oh, you have to call the registrar. You call the registrar. They're like, oh, you have to talk to the purse. The people who pay you. They're like, well, they have to refund you for that, and then you have to, forms and bullshit. And even debt collectors, debt collectors, there's so much fucking bureaucracies.

Because every now and then, I'll get, like, a weird debt collection for something that I either overlooked or never knew I had to pay or something, like, because I moved and the bill didn't come. So I'll get a call from a debt collector who'll say. This happens to you often? No, not often, but enough that it's infuriating. I get a lot just because, you know. Go ahead. Go ahead. Well, so this debt collector called me one time over like a $15 router because I used to be with Comcast.

And I told Comcast to go fuck themselves when they wanted to rent me a router for like $5 a month. I'm like, go fuck yourself. I can buy this thing for $35 and be done with it, one-time payment. You want me to pay $60 a year for this shit? For what? You want me to pay you double the cost of the router every year for nothing? No thanks. I'll buy my own router.

Knock $5 off my bill every month. No thanks, right? So they marked down that I was issued a router. So when I canceled the service, they sent me a debt collection bill for this router that I didn't return because they didn't have. Just because they always do that. Yeah, they always do that, right? Everybody rents it. So for years, I got hassled by the same debt collectors or different ones.

And every time they'd call me up, they'd say, hey, you got to pay us, you know, and they always add fees and shit to it. It's like $80, $100, $200, $200. for this $15 route or whatever. And finally, I was talking to this guy, I was done explaining myself over and over again to every debt collection agency. I send them writing. Nothing ever works, right?

Finally, I said, you know what? Fuck it. Don't worry about this. I'm not going to haggle the price with you because they exhausted me. At one point, I was ready to just pay them, to tell them to shut the fuck out. It's cheaper.

Right. So then I said, you know what? I'm not going to settle with you. You can talk to my attorney. I'm going to settle this. I'm going to settle this with my attorney. Uh-huh. Hello. I'm Maddox's attorney. There's long of y'all to say, you're harassing my client. But I'm also a writer.

Yeah, I'm also a genius and a writer, and if you case you're wondering. I work in a telemarketing company. I know how this works. I know call centers. I have a lawyer, too. Hold on. I fuck this up. I got to give my real lawyer on. Hello, who's this? A deeper southern accent? Who the hell do you think you are? You got to pay us for this router, you hear? See? So that's finally...

So, Dick, that's why it's not always a solution for some, you know, some company offers bad service, another one comes along. Well, they can't because, first of all, with debt collectors, there's no good one. There's no one who's going to come along and say, we're going to be the better debt collector. There's not going to be some repo company that's going to be better. There's not going to be some university that's going to be better.

It's always fucking bureaucracy, man. University, definitely. Like, just imagine the possibility that, that it's possible to make a university online that takes out all of the bullshit general ed requirements for college. Like the four-year college paradigm, if we could chip away with that, like we're with some kind of cheaper online alternative.

Like, I mean, surely you would, you could say that classes online are extremely valuable and maybe even as valuable as a real college class. Like, I don't see any difference in a lot of respects with going to some class where some professors just reading a lecture and doing on the board versus saying at home, watching the video, maybe having a little meetup with some of with a small group of your classmates. Doing that in a cheaper, more effective way could slowly chip away at the out-of-control tuition levels of colleges. And gradually, they would not have the money to pay for these ridiculous bureaucracies. Certainly you could take away all their students. Like, you don't need to go to a four-year daycare camp,

like a four-year fantasy camp of drinking to get an art history degree. Just read the books. Yeah, the public perception of what constitutes a legitimate degree would have to change a little. Of course. Well, so there's two problems with that, Dick. First of all, pay for, what's it called? What's the expression for these type of schools? Pay for education.

These private schools, private universities, like University of Phoenix. say. Okay, oh, you mean the online ones? The online ones. Like University of Phoenix, okay. There have been huge studies done on these, and a lot of exposés done. 60 Minutes did one. John Oliver did one where they look at these pay for play education systems, right? And they find that the education that they receive, they're sold a bad bill of goods. They say that you come to our school, you'll be able to get employed, et cetera, et cetera. They found in one university like one of these online classes, I think is University of Phoenix, then less than like 12% of their students who graduated went on to get employed because employers when they look at your

resume and they see that you went to university phoenix as opposed to say stanford or a reputable school they see they know that if you go to one of those schools that there is a rigorous structure and that there is a minimum amount of education that you've received that they're guaranteed but these other ones and they found the other problem with this dick is that you actually pay more than universities they pay something like 400% more to go to these per hour of semester that you sign up for you pay like 400% more so that's not a solution i mean it's not a solution community colleges exist for that reason they're cheaper and you can get educated like i i think a person who's motivated to get educated can learn all they need to learn from a stack of books sure like and that's

free sure so everything on top of that is a luxury that doesn't need to exist and only does because of the perception of the degree like the practicality of needing an instructive to tell you what books to read is an indulgence. No, I agree. I agree with that. But that's a different argument. The Khan Academy. The Khan Academy is great.

And maybe better than University of Phoenix. I don't know. It's that master's degree that people pay for. Right. How about this one? You're not allowed to be a lawyer unless you go to an accredited law. Except for California. California can get around this.

Every other state, you've got to go feed the law school animal just for access to take the bar. How's that for a bureaucracy? Yeah, that's a huge bureaucracy. Total bullshit. Total bullshit. But that's the law. I would be a graduate right now. So here's something about myself.

I went to a four-year university and studied math, computer science and math. I wish we had a drop for that. I wish we had a drop for fucking Burning Man shithead. Where's that one? I love a drop for Burning Man. Well, we'll have a drop the next episode. We'll have a drop next episode. He just said it.

Just pull it. Yeah. Go ahead. Go ahead. So anyway, I went to a four-year university and studied math. and I came, I'm literally one test away from graduating. Now, the University of Utah does something with math degrees that almost no other university does. And it's a huge, I found out why they do this.

They don't give them. Yeah, they don't give them. They make you take the advanced math portion of the GRE. So I thought, well, I'm in a high school test? It's no big deal. No, you're thinking of GED. GED is high school, GRE is college. Oh, that's the grad student test.

Yes, GREs, okay. To go on to grad school. That's what it's for. For the University of Utah, for some reason, they make it. a requirement, which is weird because I've taken the test. So I took the test, the first time I took it, I came within one point of passing. And the second time I took it, I came within two points of passing. And the third time I took it, I came within three points of passing.

So, you know, I'm a math major so I can see the trajectory, right? So I thought at this point in my life, I got a book deal. I'm working on this other shit. I don't need to worry about this shit anymore. I'm not going to, I'm not going to get that degree as kind of a fuck you to the university system because I finished the curriculum. I think you should take it. No, I never will.

You should get your high school degree. That would be like a big moment. It's just a re-college. Is this a revisionist protest? You know, Sean, it became, so it got to the point where I was like, you know what? Because the problem with this test, they gave you, the GRE test. Is this too hard? It's way too hard.

They give you a master's degree stuff because a lot of master's students are taking this, too, to move on to PhD. I want to see this test. Bring it in. Well, there was stuff on there that I'd never seen, that I'd never been exposed to. Like a vagina? I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

I'm kidding. Like a what? Son of a bitch. So anyway, there was a bunch of stuff on there like really advanced number three stuff and topology and tomography and all this like weird stuff that had never been exposed to. And those were like questions on the test, which I thought, okay, well, that's fine. I'll just skip those. But it was a really... The next thing you know, the test is over.

Yeah. I guess that's all I got. I got to go back and do some of those. Yeah. So anyway, after the fact, you know, when I decided that I'm not going to. to get this degree because I finished the curriculum and I have the education. My GPA, I think, was like a 3.2 or something like that. It was fine.

Everything was fine. But then I decided the more I accomplish in life without this degree is a fuck you to the university system. So I believe that the university system is valuable to an extent because I certainly- You're always stumping for them though. Like you're always pro-university, but your whole life is lived in contrary to that. Right. Like in a protest to that, I mean.

Correct. So I am pro-university because there are very very, very, very. valuable things I learned in the university. There's about five of them. And I can tell you some other time I don't want to get into it. And then the, but the other thing is I'm also pro-independence. I'm like you, Dick. I'm self-taught 3D modeler on Blender.

I was a self-taught programmer before I ever went to the university. I had a job in the programming industry before I ever learned anything formally in a university level. So I'm a fan of both. I think for some people, universities are great, especially if you're unmotivated and have no direction. Sometimes you can find your direction. and you're calling in life by being exposed to new ideas. But on the other hand, pick up a book and learn something yourself. Yeah.

Like learn how to shave. Today's episode is brought to you by Harries. Harries will give you $5 off your first purchase when you visit harries.com slash biggest problems and use the promo code Biggest Problems. Look, what makes Harry's unique is the quality of the blade. Sure, you're going to save a ton of money. Why pay $32 for these razors when you can pay $15 for a razor handle,

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It's skin right off. All right. Do we have time for another problem? Yeah, we absolutely. It's really long. Absolutely. We should just cut all these up and release them for three weeks. Sorry.

I got to take it. I can take a leak real quick. This guy's bladder. This is why I drink two of these. I've been drinking all week. You know, see me going to the bathroom? Yeah. That's why I don't have to go to the bathroom.

Because I'm like SpongeBob when he's dried out and it's a close-up of his face. And he's like, ah. Yeah. My life coach. Sure. Oh yeah, I'll call his ass up. As long as he doesn't sexually harassing you, my female friends. He will.

In front of you? Oh, okay. As long as I'm away and, like, no one of the things that I'm like... Last time I went to... Oh, not last time. Many years ago, I went to Hermosa with my life coach. And, yeah, and it was with these two strippers. I knew they were strippers.

He didn't know they were strippers. So they knew how to handle his... He was really friendly to me. Antics? No, they were not being really friendly to him. So I'm talking to one of them as like as the night goes on and we start making it out. I look over at this at this one moment like something grabbed my attention. I look over to my life coach.

And all I see is the other stripper just take a full glass of water, 20 ounce glass of water and a pint glass of water and turn it over on his head and storm out. And he's just, he's sitting there just and he just turns around and looks at me like, what did I do? Like, how bad? What do you mean? What did I do? I've never had water dumped on me. And I know, and even, I've never been that bad. And I still knew that I kind of fucked up.

But he went all the way to that bad. And he's like, what the hell? What did she do that for? I don't know, man. You tell us. Put that in. Put that in. Put that story in after the show.

So we can put an after credits. clip in on this show. You know what I mean? Because that's my problem. So you've got to listen to the credits now to get that story. What? No, you have to... Madag's you also have to listen to the credits to get that story. While you were in the bathroom, I told a story

about my life coach and I going to Hermosa. Oh yeah, they wanted to hear this. So we're going to put it in at the end of the show because my problem is post-credit scenes. Oh, hey, that's perfect. Post-credit scenes. So are you talking about at the end of a movie, you have to wait through the credits,

and you see a little thing, right? Yeah, it used to be you see something cute. Yeah, right? Like bloopers. Like a blooper, which were great. Sure. It's funny. Or he's Ferris Bueller comes out.

What are you doing? Go home. Yeah. Oh my God, I can't believe. Hey, people said they stayed after the credits and Ferris Bueller came out and said, what are you doing, go home? That's so cute.

That's great. What a great fun thing to do. Not anymore, man. Now it's abuse now. It's audience abuse. I saw Civil War. Last night. I got to give a shout out to a fan, Benny. There's a big line for Civil War, right?

So I'm drunk. I like three martinis in to the night. With my sister, my brother-in-law. I'm like, well, I'm not, I don't want to stand in this line, right? Why is there a line? Isn't this 2016 where people reserve seats for theaters? No, no, it's a cattle. It's a free-for-all at this theater. One of these old days are. It's not an arc light. is a regular working man's theater

so I'm like I'm not gonna stand in this fucking line I walk back and get a big like rot iron chair from a yogurt stand like in front of a yogurt stand and just start carrying it down like into the theater

where the line is well I'll sit right this yogurt stand's not using all of their chairs I'll bring it back probably yeah you know if I remember so I bring it down and my I'm selling my sister like what I'm not gonna fucking stand

for 40 minutes to watch this movie and I hear a chump yeah I hear it Dick? I look over and this guy's like, are you Dick Pastor from Biggest Problem in the Universe? I'm like, yeah. I got this chair.

He's like, well, I thought it was you. I thought it was you. But then I saw you carrying that chair into the theater. And I was like, yeah, that's definitely him. Like, oh, Benny. So there you go. So a fan recognize you. What, do you let you cut or something?

No, no, no, no, no. Just saying hi to the guy. Oh, okay. The movie, it's like these Marvel of movies now, you have to stay and watch the credits because it's going to be, it's like the expectation. of this next, of a little tease for the next movie, right?

It's not cute and clever anymore. You're sitting there, you have to watch credits because you know everyone you're with. There's always one guy who you're with wants to, has to see. And he's building it up, prepping it up before the movie. Oh, you can't, we've got to stay. I can't wait for the end credit scene when something happens with Spider-Man. Yeah. I can't, we've all got to sit there.

I'm like, dude, I got to piss. Yeah. Okay? Yeah. I got three martinis and 64 hours of Coke in me. I got to go piss. I'm not sitting here and watching. what dickheads worked on this movie.

Right? Right. That's my problem. I thought you were leading up to something. Post-credit scenes. That's my problem. No, I get it. I'm sick of them. I'm boycotting them. I'm leaving. I'm going to leave before the movie ends from now on. I'm not watching any credits. Showing up late, don't want to see opening credits, leaving early, don't want to see a single end credit.

Yeah. You know what? Just show up in the middle. After the first act is all set up anyway. It's bullshit. I'm not even joking. Me either. No, you're right. I don't give a shit. I watch movies out of order. It drives my friends nuts. I started watching Game of Thrones last season. And I tell people that sort of like, wait, wait, wait, you mean you didn't watch the first three or four?

I'm like, no. No, because dumb. But you don't know what happened. I'm like, listen, shithead, the entire season, you know, this history of this world, what's it called Gannendorf? What's the fucking Game of Thrones world? Scanendorf. Yeah. The history of Gannendorf, right, existed before season one began.

There was a bunch of history that happened. That's such a weird way. Okay. Yeah. A bunch of history that happened, right? Those are seasons you missed, right? That everyone missed. Everyone was never written in his make-believe world.

Exactly. Yeah, you don't need to know it. You just give me a little backstory, right? So anywhere you pick up in the series, same exact thing. Same thing. Same thing. Same shit. Oh, a bunch of dragons and shit.

Oh, a bunch of fucking kings died back here. Oh, I get it. Shihad. Oh, oh, Lord, I don't know that some fucking king died 10 episodes ago. Why do I fucking need to know that? Because if it's good. You know how many kings died before him? Millions.

I don't care at all. No, no, because if it's competently written and competently acted, if one actor comes into the room and the other actor suddenly tenses up, oh my God. Tension. Yeah, they have some history. For some reason. You know that they were either cuckolded or there was a murder in their family.

Like something happened that pissed them off. I don't need to know what it is. I get it. There's tension between the two of them. They come in, they're good actors. It's a good, it's a well-written show. Why do I have to fucking sit there and spend years of my life watching the fucking 10 episodes before to understand what's going on. I don't.

Well, I'll tell you, you can walk into Civil War an hour late. And all you'll do is skip a bunch of sophomore year political science lecture commentary. It's like there's nothing happens. Absolutely nothing happens for like the first hour. Like, oh boy, we got to get these superheroes under control. Too many rights. No, they're my rights. I'll take whatever rights I want. You've got to sign the accord. I'm not signing the accord. It's like, oh my God, dude, fuck off. Go back to Berkeley. Fuck you. I came here to watch superheroes fucking fight.

Yeah, it's like the comic book United Nations. I remember in my, you know, because I mentioned the math GRI earlier, I remember the first time I ever took it, I was sitting in the class, and everybody's like sitting down and nervous and prepping for it. This kid walks into the auditorium and he said, is this political science? And someone goes, oh, no, that's down the hall. And then after the kid left, someone blurred out, it goes, political science, is there a wrong answer? It killed. It broke the tension. Oh man, these political science majors.

Yeah, well, you know what? Math joke. Show your work in political science. Divide by Eisenhower. Another one of my favorite math jokes, because math majors always bust on liberal arts majors. I don't know. And here's something. Because they're smug assholes.

No, because liberal arts are, it's a bullshit degree. Come on, guys. Go fucking. It's a bullshit. The whole thing, it's liberal arts. Get the fuck out of here. Keep going. Yeah.

Do some fucking hard. science. Do some fucking math for a change, you idiots. You fucking mush brains. So, math majors, and liberal arts majors don't know this about math majors because they don't dare step foot in our territory. They're scared of math. They're scared of structure. They're scared

fucking sharks and the jets going on here. What's the Warriors in Utah University? So anyway, I saw this written on the whiteboard. There's a whole bunch of equations and stuff, a bunch of students doing homework after class. And one of them had written down, it's a limit joke, which probably will go

way over the head of most people listening because they're not as smart as me. Always a good way to speak, Joe. Always setting the crowd up. Were you, were you lionizing Hitchens earlier for condescending to Bill Maher's guests? I thought that was hilarious. Oh, I thought it was hilarious too. Yeah. In studio, it was not.

That's what makes it so great. It's uncomfortable. Anyway, so it showed a limit, right? The limit as your GPA approaches zero equals business major. I laughed so fucking hard when I saw that. Yeah. So bitter. I love it. It makes me so happy because that's the fucking truth, man. I went to my friend's graduation. Here's an equation for you. Business major equals boss.

How's that math joke? Yeah. Or, yeah, boss of my coffee at Starbucks. One thing you know about math majors, they really know how to make their mark in the world when it comes to finance, right? Yeah, they become the treasure. They go into the stock market. They work for Goldman Sachs. They make lots of money. They become hedge fund managers. Those math guys don't necessarily. Yeah, don't underestimate them. Anyway, Dick, post-credit things. Back to your post-credit problem.

I think that it really got out of hand after the first Avengers movie. With that stupid Schwarma thing? The Schwerma thing, everybody loved. And then Guardians of the Galaxy with a stupid dancing plant, which everyone thought was the best part of the movie, the dancing grout.

During the credits? Yeah. Oh, my God. People lose their fucking minds over it. It's like, guys, you're saying this little, like, 10-second thing of the plant dancing is better than the rest of the multi-million dollar movie with all the acting, with all the action, with all the storytelling.

Your favorite part was this dancing plant. Wait, wait, wait, wait, who's saying that? Everyone, I haven't heard anybody say that. Sean, they like it. You're fucking on. You're fucking on. Google, Guardians of the Galaxy, favorite part, and see how many times people mention that stupid fucking dancing group. They liked it, though.

Yeah. It's cute. A little dancing guy. Well, that's besides the point. That was their favorite part. Yeah, but it's like the movie was so good that the emotional roller-cum and payoff is released in watching that plant die. Like everything in you is stretched to its limits emotionally.

So when that plant comes back to life and starts dancing, that's why their release, that's why they love that scene so much. The movie was so good. It speaks to how good the movie is. Yeah, and the dancing plant was better. It was their favorite part. The best. Look, look, if I go out and eat a wonderful steak dinner and I get dessert

and I order some dessert, chef doesn't come out and give me a big little story about how that steak got to the table before I get my dessert. Don't care, right? I don't care, dude. No. Go, I don't even want to know about you. Get out of here. Don't want to know you.

I just want the dessert. Give it to me. If the scene was so good, put it in front of the credits. Yeah, right? What's this? Why do I have to sit here in line, basically, a line of one, watching this, or a line of all these credits, waiting for my scene, waiting for my advertisement for the next movie. Yeah.

Just give it to me straight. Yeah, you know, Dick, I just realize I do this. I do that. We do this. on this show. Oh, I told the story while you were in the bathroom, I want to put after the credits. Yeah, we're going to put after the credits. But here's the thing, man. What was, there was a

movie that kind of announced a new superhero because what these comic book companies are doing now is their franchise crafting. So that's what they'll use the end credit thing for. Like, they know there are going to be a bunch of nerds, the most hardcore of the hardcore who are going to sit there through the credits and then see the end sequence so that they can

go tweet about it and write about it and be excited about it. They always put a little hint in there. Oh, what was the one, it was The Avengers, I think it was hinting towards a Captain America movie. Whatever came out before Captain America then. Or Iron Man or something like that. Like one of the Iron Man's, they found Thor's Hammer, the first Iron Man, the Nick Fury showed up. Yeah, Nick Fury, that's the one. Yeah, it was Nick Fury and Iron Man, and then they'll hint, oh, there's a Punisher movie coming.

Oh, my God, Punisher. Oh, who would have thought that Marvel has a successful comic book franchise and they're going to make a movie about it? Oh, wow, wouldn't have guessed that in a million fucking years? I hate it. I don't like waiting for it. No. I don't like being trained. I don't like being trained to do something I don't want to do. I don't want to watch credits. I never did.

I don't like that now I'm being trained to sit there and watch the credits like Pavlov's dog salivating at some 30-second advertisement. Hmm. That's wrong? It's not wrong, but it's interesting because you brought in advertising a solution, and that's all advertising is is training you to behave a certain way. Oh, yeah, okay. You want to talk about that? That's exactly what I thought.

I was going to say that. Yep. You want to talk about the negatives of advertising. Fuck, you can go on all day. Anyway, Dick. Good problem. I'm with you on this. Put the content,

especially if it's content that is relevant to the story that you just saw. Guys, quit jerking us around. Put the shit up top. Why are you making us watch the fucking credits? Why? Why? Why?

You just want to make us do something to show how much control you have. It's like CIA prisoner shit. We'll make this. audience, the more they abuse themselves by watching these dumb credits, the more of an attachment they'll have to our brand. So we're going to make them suffer a little bit before they get a tease of the next thing. Like, fuck you. I see what you're doing. What's the effect when a kidnapper becomes Stockholm syndrome? That's what that's exactly what this is. The giant Stockholm

syndrome. And I wouldn't mind if the credit sequence was like 30 seconds, five seconds, 10 seconds. This is like three minutes of fucking, you know, it's the same shit. You see the same copyright notices? Well, but they have 90,000 CGI crews on each of the time. these movies. The credits are 15 minutes. Who make nothing, by the way, Sean. Visual effects artists are the most abused, least paid in this industry. It's such garbage, man. Good. They ruin movies.

Well, that's the director's fault to hire them. Don't blame it on the visual effects artists. They're working their asses off, making the best they can do. But then the, like, for example, what's the name with Richard Parker? Visual effects guys are like garbage men, except instead of taking your garbage, they shove it into your face. Oh, you hate it. You're so salty. What's the movie with Richard Parker,

tiger one. Richard Parker, you know, um, the life of pie. The life of pie. I'm surprised you failed a map test. So that Richard Parker movie,

that whole, like most of that movie was carried by the strength of that CGI. That tiger looks so fucking good in that movie. Have you seen it? Yeah. Fantastic. That visual effects company folded shortly after while the, the movie went on to win Academy Awards.

Such garbage, man. To pay those guys. They're working their asses off. That tiger looked fantastic. Fuck them. All right. Do you got a problem? No, we're... It's way too much time.

Yeah, this is too much time. I got a problem. I'll bring it in on the 30th. So we'll be back May 30th with episode 105. A lot of exciting stuff coming up. We got the best stuff coming up. I really think you guys will enjoy this. I want to hear your favorite clips of the show.

My problem this week was bureaucracy. My problems were tipping in post-credit scenes. Thanks for listening. You want to hear a voicemail about a piss bomb? or about a cuck? Oh, let's do piss-border. This is a cuck-heavy episode. Guys, here's how you pee with a piss-border.

You sit on the fucking toilet, and you lean forward and pee. What? You're in your sonny, how do you not know how to do this. Yeah, maybe if you got a small dick. I tried, yeah. Yeah, I can't do that. I brought it in. I'm not going to sit there with my giant schlong

bouncing it off of the disgusting toilet rim. What is the guy just told us how big his dick is? It's got to be under three inches if you're not touching the rim, bro. And how far forward are you going to lean forward? I'm not going to do fucking yoga to take a leak, idiot. I'll just piss in the sink. Maybe he has one of those, like, toilet lids that has a slot in front of it, like at a public restroom. Oh.

That's the only way I can describe that, because your erect penis will not fit. No. But he's very excited about it. He's telling everyone he had a small dick. And the enthusiasm is off the charts. Guys, guys, are you dumb? So all you have to do is sit on a toilet and push your dick straight down. Doesn't work, bro, if I can, like, maybe half-mast I can do that.

Well, and if you push your dick straight down, you can't piss anyway. Plus, you touch the water. I guess you guys never had that problem. Not since I had my penis reduction surgery. Showing out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, penis reduction in both of you bozos. Okay, here's another one.

Maddox. I cannot fucking believe that you would not. date an incredibly beautiful hot Spanish chick because you were offended by the Cossoian accent. Like, I'm pretty much concerned right now that you're a 38-year-old virgin. I heard that one, too. Did you, do you remember that story? Yeah.

That you didn't date that hot girl because her accent annoyed you? Right. The guy's surprised at that. Yeah, he's surprised. So that's the sound of a guy who doesn't get laid. That's the sound of a guy who doesn't have options, who doesn't have choices, takes what he can get. That's what that is.

Anyway, Dick, let's set up. So I haven't even heard this. I'm going to be hearing it for the first time when this episode goes live, Dick's story, post-credit sequence, guys. Oh, wait, I got one, since there's going to be a big break, I got one weird Matthew McCona. All right, that's it.

I don't even know what the hell he's talking about in this one. I always do have the right answer, Matt Cox. I'm allegedly. You know what that is? That's the Kelton the Pop motherfucker. What? You're fucking up my response to her last question. of the week with that pre-com thing

big time fucked up your mind is no diamond trap, brosky. The right answer is this. Just goes... And not saying anything isn't passive, aggressive. It's just passive. You don't have to worry about that.

Okay, Matthew. Sounds like you were asleep when you made that call, buddy. Wow. All right, guys. So here it is our post credit sequence. I have not heard this before. The first time I'll be hearing this is when this episode goes live. Dick's post credit? Yeah, Dick's post credit sequence. When I go to the bathroom, enjoy. Fuck you. That's what a post credit sequence is. Thanks for listening.