The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 107

Episode Date: June 29, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe, from best of shows to no more shows. With over 6.7 million downloads, this is the only show where you decide what should or shouldn't be on the big list of problems. I'm Maddox with me, Astyrios, and Sean, our audio engineer. Hello. Guys, welcome back. That intro problem was not a joke, unfortunately. This is the final episode of The Biggest Problem. Well, look, before we make this too somber, you've got another podcast coming down the pipe, right?

That's true. Does it have a name yet? It does. It does. Do you want to announce it now? No. You guys have to continue to. I'm going to announce it in, I think, probably next week or the week after.

It's going to be a new launch, and I'm going to announce it on my website, the best page in the universe. All right. And on the Facebook page, the Facebook page for this show and the Facebook. Facebook page for my Maddox stuff. You'll hear about it, guys. It'll be on Twitter. It'll be on Periscope, Vine, Instagram, Pinterest. Snapchat, you're going to snap it out?

Going to get a special filter just for this? I'm going to write the show name on a dick pick. Perfect. All right. Now, I'll get some more listeners. Hello. Yeah, guys. So this show is ending.

Two weeks ago, when we took a break, that was not the intention. We fully intended to come back. But the show has run its course. And, you know, we've, we've, I think we've solved it. We found the big list of problems. We got every single problem in the universe. Yeah. We have every problem ranked.

And without further ado, the biggest problem in the universe is anti-vaxxers. God damn it. Wow. I remember way back on, was that episode 26? Yeah. When I came on, that was my first episode, I brought Tom Shoes. And I remember when you said anti-vaxxers, I knew, like, I lost. Like, I remember at that moment thinking to myself, like, well, I'm not going to win this week.

Well, you can't win or lose hysteria's because it's not a contest. Well, back then you could when it was a contest. Look, it's not a contest now. But look, all I'm saying is, I remember thinking, like, good problem. Yeah. Like, he fucking, he got me this week. And so. Right. Well, you know, we have to cover all the problems in the universe on this show. Yeah. And, you know, just.

I'd like to go over the top 10. All right, let's see you. We might as well, right? Let's go over the top 10 problems here. Since the show's conclusion, we have conducted this experiment, and you guys have dutifully voted week after week. We appreciate that, except I don't. Number one was anti-vaxxers.

Number two, female genital mutilation. Number three, social justice warriors. Number four, slacktivists. And if you don't remember, that is people who are slacker activists. You know, hashtag activists? Yeah. Yeah, whatever. Militarized police is number five,

followed by engineering sexism, then conspiracy dipshits, armchair psychologist is number eight. Number nine is hunger. And number ten, the only problem to make the top ten that was a guest is outrage porn. And that was,

that was Ryan Holidays. That guy was so great. Like, you, I hope you have him on the new show because I remember, like, I hadn't even. thought about all this clickbait outrage bullshit in the way I did until he came on. And like that is sort of like that problem has like shaped the way I look at the internet now. You know, it's just like there are so many headlines I just won't click.

Like, are those headlines recently about Captain America being like a Hydra agent or whatever? I was like, this is outrage porn. I'm not fucking clicking on this. They're not getting my money. No. You know what I mean? And more than that too. I found that the new way to combat clickbait.

on Facebook is to simply click on the comments and usually somebody, like people are privy to this now. They will just spoil the headline in the comment section. Like NPR even did some clickbait recently where they said that there was this cup that they found with a false compartment in it. You know, an old Jewish cup or an old Nazi cup and there was a false compartment

and you won't believe what was found inside. You won't believe what was found inside. So I just clicked on the comments. First comment says it was a little bit of jewelry. It's a little bit of joke. And that's the way to come back clickbait these days, guys. Just look at the first comment, first couple comments, and usually someone will spoil it. And if they don't, you be that person.

Yeah. Jump on that grenade, guys. Yeah, exactly. And let me say two things about that. There's a Twitter account called, I think it's called Save You a Click. Yeah. Where they will take a picture of a clickbait headline and then just say like, it's about this. I love that.

Yeah, it's great. It's like, you don't even, you don't have to click on anything. It's just like, thanks, Twitter. Like, that's how I read the Huffington Post now. Yeah. Because, like, I don't want to give those guys my traffic. The way I read it is to not. Yeah, exactly.

There you go. I read something else. Anytime there's a Huffington Post headline, you just copy and paste that into Google and find another news outlet that's covering it. Yep. Because Huffington Post, it doesn't do original journalism. Rarely do they. Aggregation. Yeah, it's aggregation.

So just go to the original source. Don't give them your money. Don't give them your clicks. They haven't earned it. Guys, so the rounding out the bottom, we should also talk about the lowest ranked problems on the list. Right? This is the big list. So we have 105 episodes, not counting the best ofs, and 108 if you do.

Either way, I mean, you know, you have at least a live intro. And the lowest ranked problems on this list, the very bottom is Tesla with negative, as of this recording, negative 5,241 votes, followed by Maddox. Not a problem at all, guys. I'm actually a solution. There you go. Uh-huh. Well, you're not as big a problem as Tesla. Not as big.

Or not as small a problem as Tesla. Guys, Ugh. Uh, then we have, then we have, then we have, French fries,

but you idiots voted down into oblivion. Yeah, because they're fucking delicious. They're fucking boring. And that's just you trying to find something to be mad about that week.

Yeah, no, it's not. You really give this much of a shit about French rice. Yes, everybody hates them. I got an email

the other day, just the other day, too. Someone's like, hey man, I really wish you would have spent more time on French rise and did a better job debating it.

Fuck you, Maddox. So you found another hipster. A little hipster. You're a hickster about french fries Do you really need to eat another French fry in your life, Sean? Yes. No, you don't.

They can be so varied and delicious. Poutine is delicious. Poutine's a meal, buddy. Disco fries are great. No. Then we have missing your fantasy football draft. And so those are the bottom four. And then the most controversial problem on this podcast still, I think, to date,

with zero votes is burlesque dancers. Yeah, I did it. I did it. I'm proud. I don't know why I'm proud, but I am. Yeah, that has been the most controversial. Because any problem that has consistently hovered around zero, which means it's gotten an equal amount of up and down votes. Right. And honestly, you've probably got access to the analytics. I think it's thousands in each direction. It is. I mean, it's a lot. Boisterous coconuts, the complete non-factor.

A fart in the wind. Boisterous coconuts. I look, and honestly, on these debate podcasts, like, nobody ever changed their mind. You know, no one will ever get you to change your mind about French fries. And that's sad in a way. You're a sad old man. But when it comes to a burlesque, I went to a burlesque show. I loved it. I get it.

I like burlesque shows now. Change your opinion. I did. Now, if somebody gave me $100 and said, you'd go to a burlesque show or a strip club, I'm going to go to the strip club. But burlesque, it's a nice, safe, fun way. You bring your girlfriend along. She sees some dancing.

Star Wars universe got sexy Jar Jar Jar, whatever the fuck. And you go home and you have a good time. That's where you go, sexy Jar Jar. I don't know. Sexy Captain Panaka. Well, it sure sells burlesque shows to me. I can't wait. I went to a Star Wars theme burlesque show one time.

And it was equal parts. geeky and really hot. Yeah. I thought. Yeah. They had a sexy stormtrooper and sexy Darth Vader and a sexy Yoda. Which is just an oxymoron.

Or no, it's just redundant. Yeah, exactly. Yoda. Okay, guys. Also, we should just talk about the biggest solutions, right? We did 18 of those. 18 biggest solutions. And here's the top 10 of those.

Number one on the biggest solution in the universe is nuclear power, followed by critical thinking. Uh-huh. Then kicking ass. Then meat. Genetic engineering is number five. And number six is income-based fines. Really good solution, guys. Then euthanasia, not the young kids in the continent. And then refrigeration, followed by soap at number nine. And then number 10 is free birth control. Those are the biggest solutions, guys. A lot of good ones in there. Yeah, actually. It's hard to argue with free birth control. Surprisingly. And then the lowest ranking, biggest solution.

Dead Last is the Apple Watch. Garbage, which has dragged that company's stock profile down. I know. I know. Yeah. Then surge pricing, dumb people, and then riots. And then iTunes, guys. Why did you vote down iTunes?

I thought iTunes was a great solution. It teaches you patience. Yeah. Have you read that New York Times article about how poorly run iTunes podcasting department is? Oh, yeah. How it's one dude. Yeah. Because Apple can't make any money all.

off of podcasts because it's like, you know, you download them for free, upload them for free. When you sell ads, you know, for example, I mean, well, Harry's wouldn't have to pay you guys to advertise them. There's such a great product, you know, but like Apple doesn't get a cut of that. So Apple's podcast department is one dude, and you have to hope that one dude likes your show. Because if he does it, you will not get on the front page. You will not get any exposure. Wow. So talk about politics.

It's just one guy. Yeah. Literally, one guy can decide, and there are podcasters that make millions and millions of dollars a year. You're Mark Marins and shit like that. So it's like, you know, when it comes to a small business man like Maddox over here, unless he can find out this guy's name and suck up to him, send him a Christmas hamper some shit. You know, this new podcast may not be on the front page. Yeah, that sucks.

Well, there's a lot of money that they are losing out on because there are ways to monetize podcasts. And today's episode... Speaking of monetizing podcasts. But before we get to that, actually, guys, we should just, I want to say thanks to all the guests who've been on the show over the years. This has been a fantastic run. 104 consecutive episodes, not a single break. I have not taken a single vacation the entire time this podcast has been on the air. And I have edited almost every single episode, 103, I believe, 103 out of 104 episodes I edited.

And Sean as well. Sean and I do all day editing on this podcast. Over 7 million downloads as in this date, which is gigantic. 6.7 is pretty close. I'll say that's 7. We'll get there. Over 6.5 million, exactly.

Look, for a long time, I wrote for another podcast, and I got paid a very small salary to do it. I think the most they ever got was like a million, and they'd been around for like six or seven years. So the idea that like, that you, you know, put this thing on your back, you got the Maddox fans out there, and you got almost $7 million in two years is incredible. Thanks, buddy.

So, Asterios, you came over to a more successful podcast and then wrote for free. I see the business model. Pretty good business model. Well, you know, like I said, that's how you can stay afloat, a number of ways, guys. Right. You don't pay your contributors. No, actually, on that, nobody's retiring off this, I promise. We're not making a ton of money here.

But here is what I will say, guys, about this podcast, and I am super proud of this. Most podcasts, like, we were joking around, but we actually have paid you as serious. Of course, yeah. We paid you for a number of... I was going to pivot. I was honestly going to pivot right to that. There's not a single one of, you know, those audio clips I used to do, and I've just gotten crazy busy.

I mean, because, like, I want those audio clips to be good. so I would spend eight or ten hours on like those little two minutes of audio. Like I would do so much research, so much rewriting. And like, and it's just with my day job, with my advertising gig, it's just I don't have the time. But like I always got paid right away. Like I never had to chase you guys down for it. And as a comedian, that's what you have to do. Like most of the work in being an artist is getting the guy who told you he'd pay you to actually send you the money.

I mean, you know that. It's tough to get paid in this industry. Yeah. And I take pride that we have paid, I think pretty much everyone we've worked with on this podcast as a regular contributor. Yeah, the transcribers. Lori and Megan, thank you guys so much for doing such a kick-ass job. Those ladies pour their hearts into those transcriptions.

And if you guys haven't read them, if you think that it's just... Yeah, they do. They actually add a lot to the conversation because sometimes they'll interpret the way we said things and they'll put in parentheses, like little parentheticals that say, snarkily or giggling or... Some other, you know, some snide little remarks. I see those ladies. I know what you guys are doing.

I love those. That's great. It's super funny. It's a lot of fun to watch. And it's been very helpful because any time I've had to look up old clips of the show, I just searched the website and I find the exact location that we said it in the episode. Super, super helpful, guys. Very interesting.

Thank you from the bottom of our hearts, Lorraine Megan. Fantastic. Everyone who's worked on the thumbnails. You guys did a kick-ass job. The thumbnail is huge. Oh, my gosh. There's a lot. And, like, God, some of those thumbnails,

There are thumbnails of you, Manix, where it just looks like a beautiful Renaissance painting of you, like, as a king or as a this or is that. It's just like, oh, that stuff is so gorgeous. They pour their hearts into it. And then even on the live episodes, we hired writers. Special thanks to Lindsay K. Tai. Asteroos, you were one of the writers. Yeah. Who else?

Nathan Buckley, Nathan Buckley, I believe. And there was one other person. Yeah, Justin Barron. Oh, Justin Barron. That's right. Yeah. Justin Barron, yeah. So thank you to everyone who helped. And I'm sure there's a ton of names I'm forgetting right now. Justin Donaldson, directed the live episode. Yeah, one of my good friends, Justin Donaldson. Thank you. One of my favorite people in the world, Justin. I love him. Yeah. And you know what? Fuck it. It's the last episode. I'll even say thanks to Tim Chang's. Wow, that's big of you. I don't know you anymore.

For being a lift driver, and that's it. And he's not a DJ. No, he's not a DJ. And a lot of people have speculated on whether or not Tim Chang's would have a show on the new podcast network. Yeah. And I will say, no comment. Oh, no comment. Oh, non-news news. Now who's a clickbait journalist? All right.

Hey, guys, you know, that's fair. That's fair, hysterios. I want whoever finds out the answer first to comment on this, when I make the announcement, comment and spoil it for everyone else. You know what? I deserve that. I deserve that at this point. It's the least they can do.

It's the absolutely thing to do, Sean. Yeah. And thanks to Sean for always showing up and soldiering on and not deleting most of the episodes. Couldn't let it go. Couldn't let it go. It's the last episode, Sean. Hopefully this makes it. I mean, this will be really weird if we go out with...

With no deletion joke. Well, or, you know, a deleted episode. That would be pretty weird. Still early in the game. I may... Okay. I may accidentally slip. I want to thank Pete Saliva.

She's a co-writer of mine. She's a YouTube comedian. She's really funny. She does this incredible Periscope show where she reads bad fan fiction. And actually, me and her recorded a comedy bit that we've just never got around to airing on the show. So, I mean, this might be a good time. Just on the way out, just throw it in them with the rest of the best of stuff. Yeah, it'll be on this episode.

And guys, pay attention. Listen all the way to the end of this episode. Because there is a special treat. A lot of people have asked for this. At the very end. The very end, we are going out with the full song that was made for the intro to this podcast by Brett Mann. Thank you, Brett Man, for doing a fantastic job. It's one of my, it's a legit, really cool song all the way through.

And it's so long. It's a really long song, and the whole thing holds up. It's so good. No, it's great. I'm one of the few people that has heard the whole song, just because I remember the first time I heard it, I was like, you got to send me the MP3 of this. It's so cool. It's really cool.

And so now everybody's going to get it. And, you know, I guess before you throw to the best of clips, I mean, all the callers, anyone that's ever sent you guys a gift? No. No, really? There are definitely people like do not want their gifts. You don't want to thank Weird Matthew McConaughey or Bado or any of them. We got a lot of really good callers.

You're right. You know, you guys added a lot to the show. I really appreciate that. And guys, it's bittersweet and with a heavy. that we do this. I know a lot of people relied on the show. Some in this room. Well, yeah. I talk every time I'm on the show, I'm like, look, whenever I'm not performing comedy, I'm dealing with my super depressing personal life. And so one of the great things is every Tuesday you get this show, shows up on your phone, you know, you know you got, you know you can

like hang out with cool people for an hour or two. You go on the treadmill, you go shopping, you go walking around. It's like, you know, you got like your friends in your ear. And so honestly, I mean, you know, and I don't know anything about the new podcast. Maddox is not telling me, I may be a guest on it at some point. I don't know any, whatever. It's like, hopefully these callers, these fans, you know, hopefully like they'll be a way for you to engage with them the new show. I will say this. I will say this.

Just as a little hint. Okay. Many, many fans in the comment section have suggested this concept indirectly and they didn't really intend to. to suggest it in the way that it's going to be. So you're going to kill yourself live on air? That's it, Assyria, you fuck face. I'm going to kill myself live on air, you asshole. Couldn't just

keep it positive. One fucking episode. You have to shit all over me. And I'll be cucked. It's going to be great. I can't wait to be cucked on the news show. There you go. No, guys, in fact, if you listen closely to the best of episodes, the last two,

in one of them, there was a hint. It is the concept for the new podcast. And the new podcast network, guys, I will announce this. I am doing a new show on the podcast network that is a podcast competition. Wow. Two podcasts will go up against each other back to back for an entire month. The listener votes on which podcast they like best, and then the winner comes back the next month. If anyone wins, I think I'm going to make it five times in a row. If anyone wins five times in a row, they get a permanent slot on the new network. Oh my God. That's fucking awesome. Thank you. That's a great idea. The cream rises to the top. That's right.

And the crap gets flushed. Because I have received a lot of emails and messages on Facebook and Twitter and even YouTube. People are hitting me up on YouTube saying, hey, Maddox, I have a podcast idea. I want to do this. I want to do that. Guys, look, running a podcast takes a lot of work. It's not just coming in, recording and going home for a week, right? That's what I mean, it is for me, but not for you. Yeah. You have to edit this thing. have, yeah, it takes three to four hours to edit each episode. And then doing the research takes me three to four hours. I bring in four or five pages of research every single, every single episode, jokes, comments, commentary. Yeah, I usually write my stuff like on the toilet.

Yeah. I get here early, I go to the toilet. Yeah. And I go like, oh, excuse me, I've got the runs. And then I'm just quickly like, all right, what's up with Tom's shoes? What's wrong with Tom Shoes? Well, so the reason I mention that is because a lot of people hear podcasts and the ones that you like, the ones that do well, they sound easy to make. Right?

The pros make it look easy. Yeah. It is not. And so when I get these pitches from people, I'm not saying no to anyone. I say, maybe, let's see what you got. I'm genuinely curious because I think that there are some people out there who have some real talent. They don't know it yet. Not everyone.

It doesn't just take an interesting point of view or just a funny opinion. making a podcast is work. It's a lot of work. And if you guys don't put in that work, then the podcast won't survive. So we'll see. This will be really interesting to see not just the talent of the hosts

of the new podcasts, but whether or not they can deliver because it takes a lot of work every week and commitment. Yeah, look, it's not easy to get this shit out there. No. I mean, like, for years and years,

people have been like stereos, when are you going to start a podcast, when are you going to do it? And it's just like, it's such a big commitment. It takes hours and hours of your week and you've got to meet up every week at the studio and your co-host and this and that.

And all this crap, it's like, it's like I'll get around to it. But I don't want anything half-assed in market. And it's like, you know, when you listen to a show like the biggest problem in the universe, it's like, yeah, you can, like, if you know anything about production, if you know anything about entertainment, you can tell that a lot of work and a lot of love goes into this. Yeah. You know, it's not just like two assholes at their kitchen table. No.

Yelling into SM57s about Captain America's Civil War. It's like, look, it's hard to do. And you did it, you're going to do it again. It's going to be great. Well, look, guys, the future is bright. We have a lot of exciting stuff coming down the tube. The new network is launching soon. The new podcast is launching soon.

We're not going to leave you hanging. You're going to have something to listen to every week. And it's going to be fan fucking-tastic. I dare you. I dare you to criticize. I wouldn't. You don't even need to dare your fans. They're going to, yeah.

Yeah, I know. I'm just waiting for the shitstorm. Sean, any other final words for the final episode? Yeah, I just wanted to say a sincere thanks to all the fans. When I started this, I had no idea how much fun and how fulfilling it would be. And it still cracks me up that I'm known on the internet in a small way for anything. That blows my mind. It's nothing that I've ever seeked out. And I love it. I've interacted with so many cool fans and got amazing emails. And I guess look at the end of the show this way. The show is not ending. It's just being deleted by me in perpetuity. Bravo, Sean. I don't think we're going to top that. Why don't we get to some clips? Let's do it.

Guys, thanks for listening. Enjoy the final episode. I hope you guys enjoy these clips. And stay tuned until the end of the episode. We have that treat. So enjoy.