The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 11

Episode Date: April 26, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe. I'm Maddox with Musedig Masterson. Hey, what's up, buddy? You're in the podcast. Yeah. So, who won? Well, you're a bullshit problem. Priests won, Dick.

Yeah, I can't. Yeah. Which, again, I thought was not clear that you think still, like, priests as an institution is a problem. Yes. I think that priests specifically, I think they specifically have a history of, inappropriate actions towards children.

Right, as opposed to teachers, say, or on any other clerics or religious figures? Yeah. Yeah, definitely. I really do. Yeah. I don't know what else to tell you. I know you believe that.

Yeah. But, I mean, you hear a lot about teacher pedophiles. You hear a lot about... Yeah. I mean, I'm from Utah, so I see a lot of, like, stories about Mormon bishops who molest kids. See, here's the thing. I think Mormons...

I think every religion has its thing that it does badly. Right. And I think priests specifically have a thing with kids. And it's not that they have this. It's that they're not aggressively persecuting it. Like, teachers doesn't count to me because, look, we're just trying to barely string together an education system, all right? Everybody's doing the best we can.

A bunch of pedophiles are going to slip through. Priest, you have to be better than everybody else at this. That's my point. I guess, man. And how about all, like, the weird not banging ever? Like, just imagine that. Yeah. Imagine committing to never having sex for the rest of your life.

That's weird. That might warp. Actually, that's the first cogent argument you've made on this. I think that might actually have something to do with it. The valve of celibacy might screw with your head. I don't know about the psychology of it, but that might contribute to maybe that is a reason why you could make the case that there are more pedophile priests than, say, other religions,

specifically ones who take the vow of celibacy. I mean, I don't, look, I don't know if there are, but this is my point. This is why it's pre-specific. specifically. There's the biggest. They're the ones on TV, so they better be way more aggressive than everybody else. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Like all, there's, there's not Mormon news like all the time about molestations there. Right, but it's also, go ahead. Oh, sorry. It's also like, it's also like the reason Apple users think that their computers are safer, they say there's,

there are no viruses on Apple. It's because Apple's make a much smaller percentage of the market. So, similarly, Mormons are a very much smaller market of the world religions. So you're going to hear about fewer stories. Yeah, but they don't have a history of doing like shitty stuff to people like priests. But they don't have a history period. They're a religion that's less than 100 years old. So 100 years from now, when we're still doing this podcast, it will be whatever Mormon guys are called. Fair enough.

Speaking of the problems, I wanted to mention we've never really gone over the overall problems on the list. But it'd be a nice recap because we haven't done that yet since we've been. We just celebrated our 10th episode. The all-time top five problems are... So can I just say real quick, if you go to the website, biggest problem of the universe.com, and click on problems on the top, you can see this list that you're about to read from right now.

Right. So... Number one is people who can't eat spicy food. Well, I mean, I don't know what to say about that. And then number two is armchair psychologists. Okay. Number three is conspiracy dipshits. Okay.

Then other N words, if you remember that was people who have a problem with the R word and the F word and the G word and M word, everything. Yeah. And then non-apologies. That one is such bullshit. I still get pissed off about that problem. What was that? Like episode four, five? Something like that. It drives me insane. It's fair.

So the biggest problem is people who can't eat spicy foods. Yeah. Oh, and by the way, speaking of people who can't eat spicy food, so from that episode, I made a thumbnail to promote that episode that was a chili pepper inside a condom. and one of the comments I wanted to read, and I forgot to when we aired this episode, but it's from Fosuf Jerski, and he just, he titled this perfectly. He called it a chilipecker,

which was perfect. Perfect. I loved it, absolutely. What comments do you have? So I got, I have one comment. My brother-in-law, he lives in Indiana, and he calls me one morning,

way too early and he goes Dick, just listen to your podcast and I've got, I'm really angry with you. Like I'm really upset. That's a good sign? Yeah.

And he's a, so he goes, yeah, I was listening to it on the way into work. And he works at a, he works like at a huge corporation. Like thousands of people work there.

They have a campus. Yeah. He's not like a slap dick, like me and you. Right. He goes, like he has meetings. He like has PowerPoint presentations

and, He has to do these things that you hear about on TV. Sounds real boring, yeah. Sounds awful. So our podcast is probably the one exciting thing that he's doing this morning. You're welcome. You're welcome. So he goes, yeah, yeah, I was listening to your little podcast on the way into work.

And something you said made me spit my coffee all over my khakis. Like he's dressed in a nice suit or whatever. That sounds like it looked cool. He's got like brown camo khakis. That's what I said. Yeah. So I was like, dude, come on. What's the big deal?

You just take your pants off and work with no pants like me. Again, you're welcome. Yeah. And he goes, yeah, that's not funny. I had to go around for the rest of the day looking like I pissed coffee all over my pants because of your fucking podcast. So I was like, oh, what joke did it? Like immediately, fuck your problem.

What was the joke that did it? And he said it was something when I was yelling at my girlfriend. And I was like, ah, okay. Probably about smoking or something. Yeah, you usually yell. That's funny. That's a good story. Yeah, it's pretty good. Yeah, good story.

Speaking of comments from our fans, this is actually a review on iTunes about the biggest problem in the universe, except he calls it the best podcast in the universe, which I agree it is. Cool. Five stars. He gave it, this is by Stygian Emperor, is the name. This is on iTunes. On iTunes, yeah. So he said, I've been waiting for a Maddox podcast for a while, and it's great as expected. His Majesty, the King, has joined.

His Majesty, the King, is joined by lowly co-host Dick Masterson. Oh, come on! Who offers a hilarious bounce pad for conversation and argument by constantly being wrong. Jesus Christ, I'm like a fucking garage door. As a cool bonus, it has audience interaction on its website where you, the viewer, can vote on which universal problem Maddox puts forth is bigger, or, if you want, which of the measly annoyances Dick brings up are lesser. Well, Lady Thor was a big problem.

Shut up. On the following episode, the numbers are tallied and a conclusion is made, drawing us ever closer to the answer. What is the biggest problem in the universe? That is actually a great review, right? No, it is. Yeah, it's great. It's great.

You win over really well. You sound really great. I sound great, but I really like the end of that tagline, the way he kind of built that up. I like that copy. It's written well. So good job, Stiggin. I'm sure Dick doesn't agree with parts of it.

So what's your first problem? Let's get the problems. Okay, well, I got a real measly annoyance for you. Like usual, what is it? Know-it-all masseuses. Oh, okay. No-it-all-missuses. No-it-all masseuses.

What does this mean? Do you know what a masseuse is? I know what a masseuse is, Dick. Let's define it, however, for our audience. A massager. Also known as massagers. No, look, my shoulder's killing. me, man. Like, I got one of these,

I got one of these aches in my shoulder that's, like, under the shoulder blade. Like, it's in that spot, like, I'm a pretty muscular guy. Wow. You can, you know, you can say that. You can say that. No, you can say it. I'm not. You can verify that I'm very muscular. I'm not even looking at it. I'm looking down. I'm looking down in the ground.

Okay, well, in submission because of my muscles. So, I, but anyway, I can't reach all over my back, right? Yeah. I'm not one of those coutary guys. I can't, I can't get this stupid knot out from under my shoulder blade. Right. So I go to a masseuse, right? And I'm like, and I explain that to her just without all the muscles parts. Because you don't want to sound like a complete dickhead. Yeah. No, no, because you're, you're in their hands. And I'm like, look, I just got this, I get this thing right

here. I just really need you to, I really need you to just get this fucking knot out of my back. It's miserable. It's making me miserable. And she goes, yeah, um, yeah, well, the thing with pain is, it's all over your body. So, you know, I kind of got to work. all over and maybe it's in your legs and maybe it's like in you and I'm like oh god okay okay okay just keep it together yeah and it's I was prepared for it because it's not the first time I've heard this from a masseuse like every single fucking masseuse I go to

gives me the same rap when I come in with a very specific problem right like it's it's under my shoulder blade it's right between my legs like right above my balls that area over there needs to be worked out with your mouth yeah hey whoa whoa they hands only um no but I was So I was prepared for it, but I still, like, I had this whole routine to try to get her to just focus on that one spot. Yeah.

And it was like pulling teeth. No. Because, you know what, it's kind of like their mechanics. And they know they can sucker you with all their jargon and mumbo-jumbo and chakras and all that bullshit. By telling you, oh, well, it's a whole full body, your whole body's connected. And they're going to start giving that spiel about how your hip bones connected to your neck bone and your dick bone and whatever it is. Yeah, they're going to have to... Is that what it is? Is it a long con?

It's a long con. That's all it is. They want more hours out of you. That's old. They want to book you for half an hour as opposed to five minutes. They can just stick your thumb under your shoulder blade and you're done. And fix it, right? Oh, God. Dude, and I've been dealing with this all week and I'm thinking... Like, right now I'm at the point where, first of all, I'm not going to ask a guy to do it. I'm not going to ask, like, you or Sean, audio engineer. I'm not going to add... You guys could easily do it, but I'm not going to do that.

Thank you. For obvious reasons. Appreciate it. But I'm like, what do I need to... What do I need, like, a wife to do this? Like, how do I fix this? How do I fit? Like, do I have to go on Tinder and mash some fat bra to come over and work this thing out of my shoulder?

Like, what do I do? Why can't go pay for it? I'm sitting there with the masseuse and I'm like, you know, can I just give you, like, if I give you $100, can you just fix it? Whatever the massage cost, I don't care. Can I just give you $100 that you fix this thing in my goddamn back? Well, that's unfortunate. Yeah. Oh, boy, Dick.

Why don't you just, like, rub it up against a wall or something? I've been doing that all week. I look like a goddamn bear. I've been every single corner I see. I was at a fucking bus stop rubbing my shoulder against a bench, against a bus stop bench to try to work this thing out and I can't. Yeah, well, that's really bad. You know, your whole body's connected and the muscles are connected.

Yeah, you go in wanting a spark plug, and they try to rebuild your engine. Yeah, they try to sell you a hot rod. Yeah. Next thing you know, you're getting a pet. And it annoyed me because I knew I could see it in her eyes that this was rehearsed, right? Like some moron, some fatso comes in and says, oh, I have back pain. Dick, are you sure she wasn't just, you know, maybe she was just into you? She wanted to get her hands all over you, huh?

What was that gross sound? That was a happy ending sound effect. Oh, geez. By Sean, our audio engineer, thank you. He made that custom for this problem. I don't know if Sean wants credit for that. I'm sorry, Sean, we'll edit that out. So, yeah, you, you, maybe she just, what was she into?

Maybe she was just into you. Oh, no, shut up, no, she was not into me. No one is, no women are ever into me when I'm just being myself trying to get a massage. You sure, you know? No, I gotta lay it on real thick to get women into me. You're lying down on that table, she's massaging you all over your body. Next thing you know. I, yeah, I, uh, that has happened to me.

Oh, no. I got like a half, a half a stiffy. Oh, please say Sammy, Sammy is the word. A semi? A semi. A semi. Aerection? You don't have to finish it.

Everyone knows what you're saying? Yeah, a semi. Okay. Yeah. What are you ooing for? Oh, are you owing because I'm talking about an erection that I had? Yes. Why is that ew?

I don't want to think about your dick. Ever. You, why were you, that makes you think about my erection. Just me mentioning my erection makes you think about my actually having an erection. Yes. Why wouldn't it? You just said my erection. Does it help if I stand up?

Oh, boy. No, look, that, uh, yeah, that happens. to me. I don't know. This one massager was like, uh, I think she was into it too. Uh-huh. And I always regret not doing something. Yeah. But I didn't know what the move was. Well, not what you did, apparently, which is what? What? Just left? Uh, yeah, all right. Fuck oh. Get off your sound. Yeah, I just left. I couldn't think of something like, uh, whatever to say. How about just this? How much were handy? It was it, it was a classy place. I'm not going to start throwing out terms like

with a classy girl and a classy place. Dick, if it's a classy place, they're not doing that shit anyway. It wasn't that classy if it came to that. No, you can always get a little bit more. No matter where it is, I think you can get a hand job. I really think so. Dick, we're in a room with three guys. I'm sitting across the table from you.

You're not getting a hand job in this room ever. I will put money down on. Let me start putting it on. No. Yeah. So that's what happened to me. And it's, dude, it's just, what's worse than pain? Like, what is worse than physical pain in your body?

Nothing. Death. I'd rather be dead than being in, like, excruciating pain. That's stupid. What are you, a million-dollar baby over here? Oh, is that what happened in that movie? Oh, you didn't know? Yeah, a million-dollar baby with Clint Eastwood and what's her name with the big mouth.

She got paralyzed, and it was a big long, it's probably like 45-minute suicide scene. This is essentially what it is. Super depressing. What a bummer. Yeah, well, that's you, man. What is you? Are you announcing your suicide on this episode? I gotta get this fixed, man.

I gotta go to a strip club or something to get this knot out of my back. So you went to the masseuse and she said, I'll fix your problem and you were apparently willing to pay $100 for her to stick your thumb under your shoulder blade. That was my plan. I kind of thought I cajoled her into doing what I wanted,

but then she didn't completely, and I should have just said right off the top, look, I'll just give you $100 if you just please do what I'm asking you to do. Yeah. But I got, I swear, dude, the best, The best, the best, like, shoulder rub I've ever got in my life was at a strip club. And I am, if this thing doesn't clear up by tonight, I'm going there.

All right. Well, I guess, I have plans, too. I guess it'll tag along. You can, you can see a semi, you can see my semi for yourself. Gross. No way. Well, I guess that's, that's your problem. Yeah, that's my problem.

That's all you got. All right. Well, let's get to my first problem. This is a big one, actually. Slacktivists. Okay. Right? These are slacker activists.

These are people who sit in their armchair, try to solve problems without actually doing anything. And this includes changing your profile picture on Facebook. So a couple of years ago, there was this campaign that was asking people to change their profile picture to their favorite cartoon character from a kid, from childhood, to raise awareness about child abuse. What? You fucking idiots. It's not raising awareness about anything except for cool cartoons. And so all these, like, tens of thousands, hundreds of thousands of people, millions of people started doing this. And, of course, everyone lost focus and it didn't raise awareness about shit.

Yeah, I know it exists. How's raising, everybody's always just trying to raise awareness about everything. Sometimes raising awareness works. Like, for example, if you're trying to raise awareness that gay marriage is acceptable, you want to come out and make a stand, say, hey, I'm okay with this because it's a cultural phenomenon. But raising awareness about child abuse, that's not going to stop child abuse. Well, let me, oh, you're definitely right. but let me also say if you're raising awareness for gay marriage rights

don't do it in the middle of West Hollywood I'll agree but so for those who don't know what it was Prop 8 it was either well hold that okay a while ago when gay marriage was allowed in California briefly

there was a proposition out to shut it down right right and it was called Prop 8 and that was going to end it because they called it prop hate that's why I remember that right great name great marketing good anti anti Anti-branding. Yeah. So all of these supporters of gay marriage poured out into the streets of West Hollywood, like the second largest gay community in the U.S. It may even be the largest. It may even be larger than San Francisco's Castro district. Yeah. And I'm just sitting, and they're all having a big party, which was maybe the point. But I'm thinking, you know, why don't you guys mobilize to somewhere where they are going to vote for this proposition?

Right. If you want to raise awareness, go somewhere and show people. that you're not a bunch of monsters, that you're cool guys. Right, right. Just go there and show them that you exist. Right, you don't have to do it. You don't have to stand. You don't have to go to a gay club and say that you're for gay marriage. Yeah.

Pretty much everyone there is already. Go to the suburbs, go to the sticks, and start talking to those people, because those are the ones you have to convince. You don't have to convince your friends, all right? We're on board with you. Is that slackivism to you? No, that is not slacktivism. Well, it is, if they're not doing anything.

So slacktivism is anything, anything where it doesn't inconvenience you, where you can do something supposedly without lifting a finger, without getting out of your seat. Listen, if it's not going to inconvenience you, if it's not going to take work to do, then you're not changing anything. And this includes, here's some famous slackivist campaigns. Coney 2012.

Remember this guy? You know what? I remember that thing, but I don't even know what that guy was about. Joseph Coney was the leader of, what is the LRA or some, basically a militant group in South Africa, I believe. He's jumped around through different countries. But he's his militant leader who kidnaps children, militarizes them, and abuses them, and, you know, both sexually, physically, and he creates monsters. Okay.

And so this guy created this 30-minute video a long time ago, what, in 2012, just two years ago. He created this 30-minute video that went wildly viral. It was wildly successful, tens of millions of views almost overnight, and he cracked under all the pressure. he didn't even know what to do, he ended up masturbating in San Diego. Wait, really? The guy did? Oh, yeah, yeah. He got caught in San Diego. He lost his mind, and he was out in the middle of the street, he stripped down naked, and was jerking off. And that's why they made that South Park up. That's what that was about? Yeah. Oh, my God. I didn't know that. They did that bit twice.

Uh-huh. Yeah. Oh, wow. Cool. So that's, that masturbating guy is the guy who created the Kony campaign. So you're saying, this whole time I thought that Connie, that was like a thing to get him elected as a president of something. You're saying he was a bad guy? Yeah, because they branded it like a presidential campaign. Coney 2012, and it was hashtag Coney 2012. And by the way, he was

like a evil person? That's how they did that? That's how they did that. And by the way, they were saying that this is the number one criminal in the world. This is who we should all be focused on and going after right now. Yet, he's still at large and all these dickheads who went around putting up Coney 2012 stickers on their bumpers,

and on telephone posts and passing out brochures at fucking Starbucks in Milwaukee. Guess what, dickheads? He's still out there. He's still at large. What are you doing to capture him from Milwaukee in your suburban house, dipshit? You're not doing anything. Put down the stupid fucking status updates. Shut up and do something.

Look, you want to capture this guy. Pick up a rifle and go to fucking Congo. Go to Africa and try to find this guy. Wow. You're not doing anything with your fucking bumper stickers or hashtags. No one cares. Yeah. I'm trying to think of any time that that could be useful.

Slackivism. I totally agree with you. Well, the one example I gave is gay rights, because that is a cultural shift. You have to make a cultural shift. So you think everybody should be saying that they're pro gay rights on Facebook and that that does something? Because I don't think it does, man. It could. You're preaching to your own friends and then they just hide you or unfriend you?

Well, you know, there are those stubborn people, but it's kind of like the acceptance of interracial marriage in, in our society. Yeah, how'd they do that? Well, one of the first, it was a slow acceptance, and one of the first TV shows that was brave enough to feature an interracial marriage or interracial love scene was the original Star Trek.

It showed, I believe it was Sulu making out with Kirk. Oh, Hurrah. Oh, Hurrah, that's what I was. Yeah, but Kirk was under mind control. Was he really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh. You don't know this? No, yeah, yeah. No, Kirk got hit with a mind control, Ray, and like he was like an evil Kirk, I think.

And so, so, so sexy. They made out or they kissed or whatever. Well, whatever. So that's an example of, I think, where it helps to make a cultural shift because you see icons who are famous and popular and liked supporting this cause, and then that can create a cultural shift. You're like, you know what, I'm okay with this. Yeah, I think it's just so much, though. Like, the gay, so the, okay, let's, I dig what you're saying with the Star Trek thing

and the interracial kiss. But it seems like with the gay marriage activism, it's just like, it's past that point where they're not getting. more awareness going. It's like, okay, everyone on Facebook is, am I wrong? You're wrong. Yeah, you're absolutely wrong. So, you think that more Facebook promotion is going to, because I don't think the people who hate it are that into Facebook, and if they are, I don't think they're friends with the people,

you know what I'm saying? Yeah, Dick, I know what you're saying, and you're wrong, and I'll tell you why, because on my Maddox account, on my Facebook Maddox account, I'm friends with, well, friends, and I'm using quotes here, but I'm friends with about 5,000 people, because that's the limit on Facebook. Plus I have 20,000 supposed followers or whatever, but I can see all of their status updates. And it's not just this liberal echo chamber

that you get in liberal states, and it's not just a conservative echo chamber that you get in conservative states. But I see a large swath of America, and I can see that shift happening gradually over time, and I have seen the debate shift. So that's one example, but I want to get to back to the slack. Yeah.

Livestrong bracelets. Remember Lance Armstrong, man? One of history's greatest cheaters. Let's say that. Yeah. He's an admirable cheat. He's great. He got a little greedy.

He shouldn't come back for Lucky 7. Yep. That was his undoing. Oh, man. And he was such a prick to his competitors. He was such an asshole. And yeah, he was unbelievable. What do you want to say, Sean?

No, no, no. Here's the lesson from Lance Armstrong. Share the wealth. If he had included his teammates in on his cheating, he would never have gotten caught. Well, he did for a long time, and a few of them cracked under the pressure. They just felt guilty.

Like, it takes a certain type of mentality to be that socially un-caring. Unbound by stupid moral, stupid moral quandaries. It takes a winner. That's the mentality you're describing. No, it's almost sociopathic. A complete lack of empathy. Almost, but not quite. That's the line you want to ride in this world, buddy.

That's right. I don't want to be an armchair psychologist, God forbid. So let me get to another one. This one is actually, this one pisses me off. it's the product red campaign. Now, have you seen, do you know what the product red campaign is? Is it like AIDS? Yeah, it's supposed to raise awareness.

Again, there's that key word raise awareness for AIDS. But it's also, so this was created by Bono, you two frontman Bono. Oh, yeah, I don't like that guy. Yeah, he's such a dick. And some guy named Shriver. So anyway, they created this campaign where they went to a whole bunch of different brands. And they said, look, create a certain type of your product that is red-themed. and then a certain percentage of those sales

will go towards helping fight AIDS in Africa. Oh, boy, okay. And then they have these large banners and billboards everywhere that said, Inspired, and then the word... Inspiread. Yeah, inspired, and the word red was in parentheses. It's cool design. Yeah, you know what? It's very tie red.

Yeah, I'm so sick of seeing it. So, this is from adage.com. They talked about the effectiveness of this campaign, and this came out in 2007. It said, it's been a year since the first red t-shirts

hit gap shelves in London, and a parade of celebrity splashed events has followed. Stephen Spielberg smiling down from billboards in San Francisco, Christy Turlington,

striking a yoga pose in New Yorker ad, and Bono cruising Chicago's Michigan Avenue with Oprah Winfrey eagerly snapping up red products. So, you'd expect

the money raised to be, well, big, right? Maybe 50 million or even 100 million? 200. That's what I think. Nope. 18 million.

For all those celebrities to team up and what, buy red shirts and all this red crap, they raised $18 million? 18 million. That's it? That's it. Not 50, not 100 million. So for all this fuss and all these stupid billboards, inspired, tired, whatever, $18 million. And it says, the collective marketing outlay by Gap, Apple, and Motorola for the Red campaign has been enormous, with some estimates as high as $100 million. So do the math here

They spent $100 million in advertising And creating all these products and billboards And all this bullshit And they only raised $18 million Well how much did they keep for themselves That's so that's one of the problems here Is that there's no transparency Nobody knows exactly how much is going

Towards donation efforts Yeah So it says It says here there's a criticism From the San Francisco Art Group It says shopping is not a solution Buy Less Give More Is the message at buy less crap.org

which encourages people to give directly to the global fund. Now, had they just taken this $100 million and donated it directly towards anti-AIDS campaigns and promotions and organizations, they would have had prevention. Yeah, actual potential prevention. And also another criticism of this is that the money they're raising is going to pharmaceutical companies

who are going to create a product. They're going to create a cure for AIDS that isn't going to be free. Okay, hold up. I got to stop you before. before you get into the conspiracy shit. Yeah. Because my only point is people don't give a fuck

about this stuff. You know what I'm saying? They like, they're purchasing the ability to look like they care. Yeah, that's what it is. It's a very showy way of saying, hey guys, I care.

Well, you know what? What is it against them? I'm really, I'm genuinely asking this. If somebody wants to look like they care and whoever Gap or Bono sells them the ability to feel like they're contributing, but they're,

not really. Do you think they really care? Like, do you think the average person thinks they're getting duped? Because I kind of don't, I think in the back of their mind, they just don't. They like to feel it, and they don't really care. Maybe. Is that too cynical, or do you think there's any truth to that? Well, I'm kind of on board of that. Look, I myself am responsible for a campaign similar to this.

I went back when Hurricane Katrina struck the United States, what was in New Orleans. Yeah. I decided to create a campaign on my website where I donated, I don't remember how, what percentage, but I said for the month of, I believe, October, back in 2003 or 2004, I donated some percentage of my proceeds towards Hurricane Katrina. And I raised something around $3,600 or something like that. You know, I'm not a big player. I'm not making millions of dollars. However, it was, it was a considerable amount for me. So I donated that, and I remember that when you donated to the Red Cross, they ask you what you want your title to be.

and I found this old certificate that they sent me a long time ago, and it said, to the honorable Maddox. I remember I chose the honorable. And then I went on this big campaign where I wanted people to kiss my ring, and I was going to wear a crown and a cape. That's where actually my crown and cape get up came from, is because I did this honorable thing,

and I wanted people to praise me for being such a philanthropist. It's great marketing. Did your sales increase as a result of this charity? They did. They did, and some people criticize me. Yeah, I bet. Most people... Me, right now, are criticizing you.

Most people were on board. However, some people criticize me because they said, look, if your intentions were pure, if you didn't try to do this just for publicity to make more sales, you could have just donated that money. However, there are certain people who absolutely wouldn't donate to the Red Cross. They don't care about Hurricane Katrina. However, they do like me and they do want my products.

So for those people, I am taking some of the money that they're giving me. You're tricking them out of their money to donate it. I'm tricking them into doing something good. Yeah. And you don't think Bono's doing that and Oprah driving down the street? Well, not if they're spending $100 million. I don't know. It sounds like you're doing exactly what they're doing.

For me, I'm just saying. No, but I'm not creating the showy. I didn't create a specific shirt that said, I donated to Katrina. Here you go, Dickhead. That's exactly what. No, the difference is that he's making some showy statement about it. He's saying, okay, now you're buying this product and it's red and everybody can see it and it's very showy. And by the way, some of the companies that jumped on board with this were so stupid.

Like Microsoft? With Microsoft... Yeah. But here's how they... I'll take a red zoon. Is that what they did? No, it wasn't like that. They just created a version of Windows Vista

that came with like some red backgrounds. Some red desktop pictures. Are you kidding me? So what I'm seeing is Maddox raised how much for charity? Around 36, 400. 3,600? Okay. And Bono raised 18 million.

It looks to me like Bono's a better person than you when it comes to charity. Fuck you. I'm just looking at the numbers. That's what I see. And fuck Bono. And Bono is putting on a big show about it, and you are humbly walking around in a cape and a crown. Do I have the story right?

That's ridiculous. No, you don't have the story. You know, the difference is, though, is that I'm honest, okay? I'm coming out there like a big fucking deal. Kiss my hand because I'm such a great philanthropist, whereas Bono is trying to do it under this veneer of actual philanthropy. Whereas it's just this big fucking publicity. These companies don't give a shit about people suffering from AIDS in Africa. They might.

Maybe. I mean, they kind of might. Fine. Then they can just donate that money. They're spending on advertising. Yeah, but you can't do it like that. Like, you got to, if you're running a company, you've got to work it into some kind of sales thing. You've got to pitch it to, like you have a responsibility to your shareholders to make the cash, right?

That's exactly what this is. So that's what they're saying. They're also doing some good, is what I'm saying to. I'm genuinely saying this. I don't think they did. And I think that people who buy those red campaigns are just trying to show off. That's what I think your real problem is.

Yeah. The people who are showing off. It's part of the real problem, sure. Yeah, but I'm with you on that one. Yeah. So it's a very slack-tivist thing where you can go to the store and buy, you know what, people these days

are no longer just buying products. They're buying narratives. They're buying stories. So if you go to the store and you buy a package of eggs, they look on that carton, And they see, oh, this is a free-range chicken that lived on a farm. Oh, tell me about this farm that was raised on.

Oh, it was fed omega-3 and pure vegetarian feed? Free-range. Free-range? All day. Yeah, free-range? They had a chicken puppet theater out there every day. They got little massages. You know, those chickens didn't have knots in their shoulders. They got massages.

They didn't have to do that run-around with the masseuse either. I'm going to eat the shit out of that chicken. Yeah. So people go out and they're buying the story, so they feel good about products. without lifting a fucking finger. You're just buying eggs, dickhead. You're not saving the world. Yeah, I'm just going to throw this out there.

You are a huge slackivist. I'm not. You start your site is based on posting rants on the internet. You're not doing anything about these things. You're just ranting about them. That's not true. Sometimes I do things about them. Like what?

Like, for example, when my car got broken into, I stayed up all night up until about 4 or 5 a.m. with a machete watching for the guy to come back. Okay, that's not at all what I'm talking about. Do you have any more examples aside from your... Well, the things that I bitch about, like, for example, crappy children's artwork, okay? It's kind of a joke that I'm making fun of these kids.

But in the thesis of my book, in the introduction, I laid out exactly why it's important that we harshly criticize our kids because they're going up to be lazy. And when you say our kids, you mean other people criticize their kids because you don't have any. Yes. And by the way, Dick, last time.

So a couple episodes ago, we talked about shaming kids. Don't shame your kids. Don't humiliate them. No, that's bullshit. There's a guy, I think his name is like Frederick, something. His daughter posted this bitchy little comment on Facebook about how she was tired of doing her chores. And her dad's mean because he doesn't pay her. And she has to clean off the counter when she gets home and make her bed every day.

Man, I don't make my bed. She's right. I don't have to clean off my counters and make my bed. Okay, well, Princess Masterson. You're fine, I guess. Your parents are raising you differently. But her parents had these rules. And she said that her dad was bullshit.

Her mom was bullshit. Whoa. Language. Yeah, and she said something about the cleaning lady. She said, you know what? I shouldn't have to do this. That's why we have a cleaning lady. Spoiled snot.

That's spoiled. Yeah, and the dad had just prior, just the day before, spent six hours upgrading her laptop, installed $130 worth of software on it, fixing it up for her so this little snot-nose brat can go to school and get an education, do whatever she wants? Hold up. So already I'm seeing a big parenting mistake.

Already I'm seeing a guy, a guy who's investing all this time in this computer, probably because he has this, like, stupid techno fetish where he likes upgrading computer systems and installing all this garbage. Yeah. You're wrong. He's an IT manager.

That's why he did it. As an IT manager, he should know that this little girl doesn't need this kind of computing power. Like, it seems to me, like, this is a compulsion that he has that he's putting on her, because a kid doesn't need that kind of crap at school, and that he's not, do you see, at least follow what I'm saying.

Okay. Yeah. I mean, you're wrong already, but go on. And that she's already a spoiled brat, taking a gift from him with this computer that means nothing to her, and he's not recognizing that. Okay. Okay, Dick, now here's the actual truth.

He was probably just installing antivirus software, so her dumb-ass daughter doesn't install some bullshit virus, and he's just trying to protect himself. You know what? So, anyway. Get a Mac. I'm gonna throw my fucking laptop of you. How about that?

Huh? You're gonna have a PC right in your forehead. So anyway, so he created this video. This is all on a video on Facebook. He went and he grounded her for three months, took away her laptop. He said, oh, you think I should pay you on top of the laptop I've already given you

and your iPod and all this other shit? And you're not even paying rent? This is a very childish response. Nope, nope. It's got 38 million views and tens of thousands of people approve it and parents constantly saying, It's right.

It doesn't mean it's wrong. So anyway, he posted this video on her, on her personal account, showing her friends how cool she is for mouthing off at her parents. This is horrific to me. And I know, Dick, because you're fucked. And he took her laptop and shot it. He shot her laptop to pieces. And put that video on the internet, too, I'm guessing? Yeah, it's all the same video.

What an asshole. No, fuck that guy. Spoiled kids. Oh, how would you fix your moutting off daughter? Which, by the way, you wouldn't think is a problem because you wouldn't even make her, make her bed. Kids mouth off. Oh, okay. Okay,

Mama Masterson. No, no, no, no, you're telling me that if you had a kid who went on their Facebook account and bitched you out for doing, I don't know what you'd be doing to this kid, you'd probably be installing like a drone, anti-drone system outside their bedroom so the feds don't spy on them. Yeah, you're welcome. And they went online and bitched at you. You would take something that you bought them, by the way. film yourself out in the backyard, shooting it, uploading it onto their Facebook profile, and then you'd wipe your hands of it and say, like, yeah, I think that probably solved the issue. Uh-uh, you forgot grounding them.

Is that what you would do? I don't think you would do that. Why not? Why not? I really don't think you would do that. Of course, if my dickhead little kid, spoiled little brat expects money on top of everything I've already bought for her? You made this person. That's the difference.

You made this kid into what they're doing. They're acting out because of the way you raised. them. You gotta look at yourself first. This jackass, before he goes outside and goes to town like Yosemite Sam on his own property, number one, stupid, he's got to look at what he did to cause this. And the solution, I guarantee you, if somebody punish this guy the way he's punishing his daughter, it would not fix the problem. Like, whatever's wrong in his brain that's making him parent like this is the exact same thing that's wrong with her. No, he grew up and he had a hard life. He talked about it. He said he went to college and high school at the same time.

He worked, he moved out of his parents' apartment. Yeah, he had a hard fucking life. He went to college and high school at the same time. What the hell does that mean? Because he's a genius and that's what he does. He geniusly raises his kids. And he tells everybody about it on the internet. He's always talking about how smart he is and how right.

He sounds like a fucking nightmare. Sounds like an awesome dude. You know what? Yeah. I take back what I said. If you did have a kid, you probably would do this. No way. Yeah, absolutely I would.

I'm a hero. You can't do it. That's another episode. All right, what's your next problem? No, no, no. I didn't get through, we didn't get through with you. Oh, well, yeah. That you were a huge slacktivist.

I'm not a slagivist at all. You got a problem with something? Yeah. You go online and talk about it. What are you doing? So I'm better than your kids. I made the case that if you coddle your children, they will never get better.

You need to criticize them and you need to be honest with them. And if it discourages them from creating art, guess what? They're not artists. Fuck off. And that's the same goes for anyone who does any content on anyone. YouTube, there's this big article that came out on The Daily Dot, where they were complaining about how hostile YouTube is to women.

It's not just women, fuckheads. Read the comments on my account. They're horrible. I've been doing this since 1997. I've been called everything. I've been called every slur. I've been called the N-word. I've been called all sorts of ethnic slurs.

I've been called gay and straight and virgin and loser. And I've been told to kill myself. Because some people thought I was gay and they're like, oh, here's an insult. I have been called everything. People make fun of me for being bald, for having a big nose, for being too dark skin, for being too light skin, for being too skinny, for being too fat. I've heard it fucking all.

And guess what? I persevere because that's what I do. I create. And if you can't handle the heat from your parents who love you, then you sure shit won't be able to handle it from strangers who don't. Oh man, please don't raise your kid like that. Please don't scream at them about how you've been called every name in the book and that they shouldn't worry about it.

Dick, and tell you... Daddy Maddox, I got called an N-word at school. Oh, yeah? Well, I've been on the internet since 1998. I've been called everything in the book. No, Dick, what I do is I criticize cultural trends. I'm not asking...

I'm not doing a call to action, and I don't expect change to occur from a lot of what I complain about. Just because I say something is wrong doesn't mean that my action is trying to solve it. All right. That's actually what the root of the show is. We're just talking about problems.

We're not solving them. Oh, yeah, I don't want to solve it, Jesus Christ. God, no. I mean, I can't even get a good massage. So what am I? I'm solving, what was slackivism? Yeah. Yeah, um, you think it's been going on forever?

Probably slagivism. You know, it's gotten worse. I say what, I hate it. Sorry, is like, like in medieval times, would they go around, like, selling potions to people to, like, fix the weather? It's pretty much the same thing, right? Like doing weird rituals and prayers and dances to fix something that's totally out of your control? No, it's slacktivism.

And make you feel good about yourself? Slackivism is something that's kind of new because it's also called clickivism because you click and expect social change. Like all these dickheads who thought they were going to secede from the union when Obama was reelected? Fuck off. You think signing a petition's going to do anything, you moron?

Also, if you actually believed in any of that horseshit, you'd move out of the country. But where would you go? Because you're xenophobes. You hate everyone else. Where would you go? Gosh. Oh, my goodness.

You know, that's the conservative response to a president they don't like. The liberal one is we're going to move to Canada, right? The liberals, oh, Bush got reelected. We're going to move to Canada. The conservative ones like, no, we're not going to move. We're going to make America move around us. We're going to secede.

Cool. It's stupid. They're both idiots. They're both fucking morons. Yeah. All right. What's your next problem? That's all I got, yeah, for my slacktivist.

Okay. My next problem is Neil deGrasse Tyson. Yes. Finally. Yes, you're on board with that? I'm absolutely on board. I wrote this. Okay, well, what do you want to say about it?

No, no, because like, I know he's like the internet or hipster, like pretend geek Jesus. Right. But I just kind of think he's like a smug, condescending prick. Well, so I don't know. I'm going with that. Okay. I don't know how much of it I can fault to him. I don't fault him so much as his adherence.

I'm glad you said that because I brought in a great thing here. So I tried to like find out what exactly about him that rubs me the wrong way. Yeah. So I went on his Twitter. Twitter. And almost every, single tweet annoyed me.

So I brought them all in if you would like to go over some of them. Old 20,000 or so? No, no, no, no, no. Just the ones that I found most annoying. Yeah, let's hear it. Okay. Or do you want to go into your what you don't like about it? Well, actually, so I wrote this article about how the Facebook group, I fucking love science. And I said that you're not a geek and you don't fucking love science and nerds aren't

sexy. Yeah, you're absolutely on board with that, but save that one. Okay. Neil, Neal Grastheson quotes. Yeah. What does it say about our society that we know the names of serial killers, but we've never heard of Jan Orte? Yeah. She discovered the Orte cloud. I do actually. I have actually heard. So you have.

So he's assuming. Is it O-O-O-R-T? Yeah, yeah, you're right. It's the Ort Cloud. The Ort Cloud. Okay, let me tell you what it says about our society, Neil deGrasse Tyson, you obnoxious fuck. It says that we're more interested in learning about what makes humans tick and human relationships and the human psyche work than we are. about stupid gas clusters

in the middle of space that have nothing to do with anything. You condescending prick. That's what it says that we know more about serial killers because they're interesting and fascinating and we all want to know where that monster is in all of us.

Well, serial killers also can actually kill us, whereas the Oort cloud will not. And it's not a cloud of gas, it's a cloud of like rocky debris that's the edge of our solar system. Nerd. But yeah.

Actually, I do know who he's talking about. Oh, yeah. So, yeah, that's pretty condescending. Yeah, okay. Next one. Yeah. Just, here's Neil Graz Tyson. Just an FYI, Thursday the 12th is just as rare as Friday the 13th.

That's true. I mean, is this, okay, so Cosmos is about, like, phenomena in the universe? I haven't seen it, but, yeah, I've heard rave reviews about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we may not know where, like, the biggest black hole in the universe is, But the biggest buzzkill in the universe is right here. Friday the 13th, Friday the 12th is just as rare. Thanks, Jackass.

It's just like a fun thing we kind of have to do to bond with each other. You want to you robotic prick. You know, but he's kind of coming down on numerology, I think, with that one is what he's saying. He's saying don't put so much faith in numbers. He's showing off. He's just showing off his small, like his, that he's above everyone thinking that Friday the 13th is fun and cool. All right. And it is fun and cool.

We have a good time. Yeah, you know, I was on board with this, but you're kind of selling me on him. If he sounds like a big braggadocious show-off, that sounds like me. Okay, here's one. Here's another one. If aliens did visit us, I'd be embarrassed to tell them that we still dig fossil fuels from the ground as a source of energy. Okay. Bub, bub, he stole that for me, actually.

Not quite, but I wrote this article a long time ago saying that if aliens came to visit us, they would probably leave. And it's not just me, actually. I think the Calvin Hobbs creator said that... People have been saying it's forever, man, I'm sure. So lots of people have been saying that. And it's not just that fossil... Here's the thing, Neil DeGrasse Tyson. You know, we're doing what we can.

Sure. We could probably move off of fossil fuels quicker, but who knows? Like, we don't have anything to compare to. How's that for scientific? We have one sample of human beings, and that's us. We don't have any other sample of human beings to compare us to for a gauge of where we should be at. So how do you know? we're not already advanced for our age.

You know what? If you're so fucking worried about it, why don't you get off the daily show and your stupid documentaries and go invent it? Space Jesus. Show us the way, Neil deGrasse Tyson so we don't have to dig gas out of the ground. Invent it. Go invent it for us, you effing jerk.

You know? Like, because he's a scientist he can say this? That's something that a 13-year-old girl would say. Or boy. Whoever. Whoever. Whoever. Whoever. I don't want to be sexist, sure.

Let's see here. Okay. The more... No, no, no, no, this is a better one. In my NCAA... Neil Grazstein, in my NCAA wrestling days, I dreamt of a hold

I called the double title lock inspired by Earth, Moon, Physics. What? That is an excuse to talk about how you were a wrestler in college. Yeah. That's all that is. Shameless.

It's shameless. You know what, though? He's probably trying to get that, physicist's tale right now. Like he's trying to get a little bit... He's trying to get laid here. That's what's going on, right? He's trying to get some of that physicist trill,

that science trill. Yeah? Yeah, that's what's going on here. I got a great one for you. Yeah. Curious that we spend more time congratulating people who have succeeded than encouraging people who have not.

Oh, stupid. Shut up. Shut up. We need to stop encouraging people. All right, that's the problem. That's what I was getting at the root cause of these slackers growing up. and I'm embedded in your kids.

You stop rewarding people who don't deserve rewards. Stop giving trophies to kids for trying. You don't think we should, like, Neil DeGrasse Tyson thinks? You don't think we should encourage people who haven't tried? Who haven't tried? Sure, but if they try and fail, don't pat them on the back. They try again, but don't, you know, and again, people who win, they put a lot of effort into it. What's the reward?

No shit. Yeah. What's the reward at the end of the tunnel if you win and nobody comes and congratulates you? Why would you even want to win, dickhead? Neil deGrasse Tyson, just an FYI. There are two kinds of people in this world. Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people and those who don't. So you just did it.

I mean... Yeah. I mean, is that a joke? So condescending. So condescending. Is he being ironic there? Like, what's he doing? I think that he doesn't understand how people, like, get along.

Like, I think he has no conception of human interactions. Well, to be fair, he may be lacking in that area because he has focused on science for so much of his life. Yeah. So, you know, I can't fault him completely on that. There are lots of people like that. Okay, this is, I think this is the last one I'm going to do. One of the biggest problems with the world today

is that we have large groups of people who will accept whatever they hear on the grapevine just because it suits their worldview. Yeah, well. I mean, this is a scientist. I agree with that, though. But this is what we're looking up to. This is what this guy...

He's using his science fame as a platform. So he's using it as some type of celebrity. So people look up to him and look to him for opinions, and he's using his platform to push other social agendas and that sort of thing, which are tangentially related to science, but not really. Yeah. I'll tell you what. I've learned next to nothing scientific from Neil degrass Tyson,

except he did delist Pluto as a planet. He's responsible for doing that. Fuck that. Pluto's a planet. We grew up. with Pluto, it's been with us for the long haul, it's a planet. Wrong. It's not. It's just, it's more fun to have nine planets. Sure, it's more fun to have 50. What? Think of the, what's the, what's the word? Names. No, think, you know, what's, what's the, what's the word where every letter stands for something? Homonyms? No, hominem is something that sounds. Acronym. No, no, no, no, no.

Oh yeah, I guess it is. But acronyms have to be pronounced as words. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, Whatever. Homophone? No. Homophone is something that sounds exactly the same. It sounds the same. Let's forget we ever said this. So, yeah, of course, it would be more fun with 50 planets, but who cares? Like, that's not important. Pluto isn't a planet. And I'm glad it's gone. Fuck Pluto. Just an FYI. If scientists invented the legal system, eyewitness testimony would be inadmissible evidence.

Okay, he is definitely showing off there. He's saying some smug. Yeah. It's like borderline philosophical. which, by the way, a lot of scientists disagree with. A lot of scientists dismiss philosophy. They don't think it has a place in science, which it does. I'm sorry, wait. You're saying a lot of science dismiss philosophy?

A lot of scientists dismiss philosophy because they don't think it has a place in science, which it absolutely does. You just start with a philosophy of ethics and then about experimentation with chimeras and things like that. Of course. You would have to ask these ethical questions. So they're very derisive of philosophy. Yet here, you know, Neil deGrasse Tyson might be in favor of it, though. He's actually said a couple smart things, just to be devil's advocate here.

So a lot of people assume, he's kind of like this atheist superhero, but a lot of people assume he champions their cause as an atheist. But he's not. He's come out openly, like people ask him if he's an atheist. He says he doesn't even understand why that word exists. Why does the word is atheism exist? Oh, God, there's another smug condescending comment. Go ahead.

So somebody said something about atheism, and he said, you know, atheism, I don't even know why that word exists. Go ahead. Hold on, hold on, I'll tell you why. I'll tell you why, because it actually makes a lot of sense. He says, why do they have to have a word for something for a group of people who don't do something, right? There's no word for people who don't play tennis. There's no word for people who don't bowl.

There's no word for people who don't own yachts. But there's a word for people who don't believe in any God, and it's atheist for some reason. But there's a word for people who don't appreciate art, Philistines. There's a word for people who don't live in luxury, ascetics. There's a word for it Because What do you mean that's not specific? Aesthetic is not

Ishetic? Yeah, it's not specific to people who don't live in luxury It's also people who live in denial Denial of pleasures, any kind of pleasures Yeah, so people who live in denial of God Are called atheist, you fucking jackass Like every argument he has for things

It's so condescending and smug I can't fucking take it Yeah, I don't know He's like the Pied Piper to me, sorry, go ahead Yeah, I think the reason he does that is, the reason he said that is because by default when you're born, you're born not believing something and then at some point in your life, you choose to. But what if that's not a scientific thing? Like, what if it's ingrained in, like, the human

evolution? Like, love is, love is absolutely part of the genetic code. What if believing in some kind of religious, like, superhero is part of it? Well, you're getting really romantic here. No, I'm just saying, like, it's not scientific to say that. It's not crazy what I just said. Well, there's no evidence that people are born believing in some kind of deity. There is evidence because all cultures across the globe evolved and grew up creating their own deities that are very similar. That's plenty of evidence to me. Right.

But if you have a baby born in a room someplace and you don't expose him or her to any kind of religion, the baby's not going to just... They will make up a religion. Maybe. Maybe, you know. Well, that's my response. Okay. Well, that's a fine response and you're allowed to be wrong. So...

What's your problem? You got one more, right? I do. But I just want to... want to say this on my article a long time ago I wrote about I fucking love science. I actually bitched about Neil Degress Tyson too because they worship him like some kind of, I don't know, internet Jesus. Like that's what he's become.

He's like this, this internet Jesus. And it's gotten to the point where he doesn't even have to do or say anything. People just love him by default. They don't even know what he's done. And I was talking to someone a while back who said, wouldn't you be excited to meet him? I have met him. It's not a big deal. It's not this life-changing thing.

He's not this... What is he discovered? What is he done? What is this guy... Like, great. He's just... He's been on TV. He's a celebrity scientist

like Michi Okaku. And yeah, sure, he has some interesting papers and he's, you know, done some interesting things. But he's not on the level of Einstein or Richard Feynman or any of these great physicists or scientists from the past. He makes people feel smart by teaching them about fifth grade science.

Yeah. Yeah, he's the internet Jesus. Jesus had a big resurrection All right, what's your last problem? So my last problem is fries. Say that again, please. Fries, French fries. French fries.

French fries. Fried potatoes. All right. All right, can we talk about what a waste of time? French fries are? We talk about what a waste of time French fries are. Like, do we have, do you, does anyone ever need to eat another fry ever again? Huh?

Aren't you guys sick of fries already? French fries, French fries, French fries. What are you getting? Hamburger and fries. What again? Steak and fries. Steak fritz. Same fucking bullshit. French pronunciation.

What do you get? Oh, and then they try to change. They're delicious. They try to say, no, they're boring. It's oil and potatoes. Oil and potatoes. And they taste great. No.

You're saying the same, you're saying like I'm supposed to understand what you're saying, but a French fry tastes amazing. Like, every single fry, more or less, taste the same. It's just salt, oil, and potato. Uh-huh. That's it.

Sometimes you can add some crazy Cajun season. reasoning to it, but other than that, it's the same fucking bullshit all the time. And you know, the average person in America eats around 29 pounds of French fries every year. 29 pounds of that bullshit. And so it's been implicated in an increase in type 2 diabetes, all these French fries. And you know what the biggest bullshit is about French fries? People who put them on sandwiches. Okay.

All so delicious. It's stupid. It's stupid. There's a place in... Are you saying that French fries are not delicious? Go ahead. No, they're a waste of time. I went to Primanti Brothers in Pittsburgh.

There's this place called Primanti Brothers, and they're famous. Well, they're saying is actually almost famous, which is funny because it's true. But they're famous for making sandwiches with French fries. They said, we'll put French fries on just about any sandwich. Cool. First of all, why just about? You can put French fries on any sandwich, period. How about a knuckle sandwich?

I'll put French fries on it. And then you can punch me anywhere about my mouth because I don't want to eat those bullshit fries. So Primanti Brothers puts French fries on their sandwiches. Big fucking deal. I can put French rice on my sandwiches. All right? You don't need to save me the... I mean, you can put everything on a sandwich. What do you mean? You can put French fries on a sandwich. Yeah, but if I get a side of fries, I know if I want to, I can take a scoop of them and put them right on my burger.

I don't need some fucking cook to do that. I can do that if I want to. It's like adding ketchup to my sandwich. I can do that. I can do these things. These are condiments. Yeah, but they know what the correct ratio is. No, they don't. That's bullshit. There's no correct ratio. It's all made up. Sure, it's a correct ratio. It's like, I'm going to end up with a sandwich that you made that's got like... A stack of fries that's eight inches high. That's the too many fries. Well, don't be a fucking idiot.

You're not going to put an entire French potatoes worth of French fries on a sandwich. If you don't know to not do that, or maybe you wanted that, I don't know. You know what? Experiment. Do it once. Go crazy. Do it twice. Okay.

Who cares about French fries? They're so boring. Everyone loves French fries. Are you saying yes or no, French fries are delicious? One or two are fine. And after that... One or two fries in a meal? I've tasted it.

I get it. I get it. It's oil. You know what's a good test of food? Are you serious? You'll eat one or two fries? And they're never good the next day. Never. Cold french fries are the saddest thing. I wouldn't even bring cold french fries.

Like I would rather go to a funeral than eat cold french fries. Yeah. Nobody wants to eat cold French fries. Yeah. I would rather mourn somebody's passing than eat cold French fries. It's so sad. It's the saddest food ever. It's sad. Do you think they should be warmer or longer? I guess. Would that help? I don't know. They're perfect to me as they are.

They're fine. You know, take them or leave them. If someone gave me French fries, I'd eat some. And, you know, if it had an interesting sauce to dip it in, that's what tastes good is the sauce. It's not the oil. The oil is bullshit. What do you mean the oil is bullshit? You said that before. What do you mean the oil is bullshit? Because the oil doesn't add flavor. Oil mutes flavor.

If you ever go to a Chinese restaurant, they have that little bottle of chili pepper on the table with oil. It's oil chili oil. Yeah. Right? The oil is there because. it helps mute the heat. It mutes flavor. That's what oil does. That's what butter does. So I don't want oil, more oil in my food. What are you talking about oil with fries, though? Are you talking about the oil that they use to cook the fries? Yeah. That's bullshit? Yeah. How else are they going to cook them? Well, I don't know. They're called fries. You fry them in oil. What do you want them to fry them in?

I guess I don't want them. Otherwise, there's grilled potato shards. Exactly. And it's the same thing. It's all bullshit, man. It's like, okay, you know what, maybe I just don't like potato. I think you're getting very amped up and I'm trying to understand what the fuck you're talking about with French fries being a French fries are delicious everyone knows that French fries are delicious Fine for a couple after that you get it you've tasted every fry No people can eat French fries by the wheelbarrow oh I know I've seen him they look like wheelbarrows How can you not like what are you what's going on in your mouth and in your mind that lets you eat one or two French fries Okay listen to this because it's boring I've tasted it's like eating

plain lays chips, they're boring. It's just salt and oil. Salt and oil is not that interesting. It's not an interesting flavor. It's just not. It's salt. It's just, it's so good. Boring. So you have this problem with potato chips, too?

You know, I had, yeah, I used to eat them more when I was a fatty, and then I kind of stopped because I stopped eating that kind of food, and I lost the taste for it. No, but it doesn't... Is that what it's about? No, but I've tried all the types. You know, I've tried baked potatoes, and I've tried baked potato chips, and I've tried baked fries, and they're all the same.

You don't like baked potatoes either? No, baked potatoes are not food. I will not eat. I mean, they are. They definitely are food. Absolutely not. In elementary school, in junior high and high school, anytime I went to school and for lunch, they had a baked potato bar. I said, fuck that, I'm going to starve today.

I'm throwing? Yeah, I didn't eat on those days. This is the goofiest shit I have ever heard. You don't think that baked potatoes are delicious? No, baked potatoes are bullshit for bullshit people. Okay, what were you going to read? So I have some stats for you. I got a stats.

for you. Since 1970, use of processed potatoes has surpassed fresh use in the United States. This is from the USDA.gov website. So, spurred by the innovation of frozen French fried processing techniques in the 1950s, the increasing popularity of fast food chains processed potatoes composed 64% of total U.S. potatoes during the 2000s, compared to 35% in 1960. So here's something that's kind of interesting. In 1960, the obesity rate was, let's see here. Okay, in 1960, the obesity rate increased from 10% in 1960 to 35% today.

Okay. So it's almost directly correlated to the increase of French fries that we eat. Yeah, but you know what? You know, this is one of those rare instances where I actually know a stat. Like a real deal stat. So, because I used to think that too, that it was like the abundance of really fatty foods and calories that was making people fat. Yeah. But this dude who was like some kind of training.

He seemed like he knew what he was talking about. He said that back in the day, people had to walk around so much and do stuff physically, do stuff, like even to get up and change the channel on the television. Right. That the average woman would eat 3,500 calories a day and be at a normal weight. That's cool. But that's, what is that? What do they say women should eat 2,000, like 1,500 to 2,000?

That's so many more calories than we eat today that it's got nothing to do with the food or fries, it's just all about how people can sit there and click and punch remotes and everything. I never thought I'd say this, Dick, but you actually make a good point. Yeah, no, I hate doing it, but I just happen to know that stat. This guy said it, and I don't know why I remembered it. I think it's it had to do with fat chicks. Yeah.

That's why I remembered it. And, you know, I'm going to go down on flames. No, this problem, because you dickheads love your French fries and your dogs, you fucking idiots, but I don't care. French fries are boring food, and if you love them, you're an idiot, and you like bland food. They're not bland. They're great.

They're bland. You can dip them in delicious sauces. You know what, Dick? I believe in fat people, and fat people know good food. Not obese, but like fat people. You know, I used to be a fat guy, and I have a friend who's a fat guy, and he knows his food, and he doesn't like French fries. Or Coleslaw.

Coleslaw's also a bullshit food. I got to text a fat guy right after the show to see if he hates fat guys, too. You know what I'm talking about? Because he eats weird stuff, that he doesn't like something. Like, he won't eat chips because it's like, it says it fills him up. Yeah, it's boring. What are you eating chips for? They're good.

So here's the thing. I'll eat fries. Don't get me wrong. If somebody gives me fries, I'm going to eat them. They're on my plate because I'm not a little bitch. But I never crave them. I'm just so tired of fries. Every day for lunch in high school, I had fries.

Fries in a burger. It's the only fucking side. Why don't you deep fry something else for a change? Like Japanese have it right. At least they're putting tempura on shit. If you like fatty fried food, tempera that shit. Tempera's great. Yeah, but they're not as fun to eat as French fries.

What are you kidding me? You get peas and cauliflower. flour and potatoes. Too confusing. French fries, you can make fangs out of them and you can take little bites and fuck with them.

You said two things and fuck with them is too ambiguous. I don't know. It's just like they're fun to fiddle with. Like they're satisfying to eat. So fried carrots. Have you ever had a fried carrot?

Nah, so they're too chewy. A French fry just goes right down, man. It feels great. Oh, barf. And it gets all mealy in your mouth. Like you've got mash in your mouth? No, it gets delicious in your mouth. It's like a potato.

Like a delicious fried potato. Potatoes are boring. Oil is boring. Salt is boring. These are all boring foods for boring people. Well, you stumped me. All right, well, we're wrapping this up. Yeah.

So, again, what's your two problems? My two problems, the biggest problem in the universe, are know-it-all masseuses. Do you think is masseuses too fancy? Should I say no-it-all massagers? I don't think massagers is the right word. I think mesoes. I don't want to come off sounding like a fancy person. pants. You don't want to sound like Neil deGress Tyson.

Yeah, and Neil deGrasse Tyson. Those are my problems. And my problems are slacktivists and fries. Slacktivists and fries. And don't forget to vote on the biggest problem in the universe.com. And we'll look at your problems next week as well. And check it out on iTunes. Go, uh,

go give us five stars. Yeah, download, subscribe, everything. Thanks, hey.