The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 12

Episode Date: April 26, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe. I'm Maddox with me is Dick Masterson. Hey, buddy. So we have some exciting news. We're already at 225,000 downloads. Yes. At just over two months old. Which is phenomenal for a new podcast.

You're amazing. We. We are amazing. Thank you for listening. Yeah. So last week's problems we brought in. Who won? Who won?

Who won? The most important question. Yeah. Number one came in slacktivists or slacktacists as it's written down because my internet was out and Dick was gracious enough to make me notes. And I've been doing nothing but giving him shit because of a typo on the note. Everything's got to be perfect with you. Yeah. And then number two was Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Hey. Which was very controversial. There was so much backlash in the comments and on Facebook and on the website. Yeah, you had to know there would be, though. I mean, right? Yeah. He's like everybody's hero. He's, yeah, he's this, he's internet space Jesus.

So, and then was no-at-old masseuses and dead last, as I predicted, you fucking idiots, love your French fries. So enjoy, choke on them. Your French-Rive problem was really weird, man. I got a lot of feedback on that one. Yeah. I don't think, I don't think you got your point across with French fries. Because I respect you. I think you always have a reason for your problems, but I don't know if you would.

were able to get your real issue with french fries out well they they seem like such an arbitrary side dish in everything in everything that you go you order at a restaurant a hamburger steak anything comes with fries it's just arbitrary why fries i still you know i still it's not getting across i want you to think about it and come back well the french fries take two the closest i made a case for french fries was the uh diabetic uh connection which you kind of pointed out rightly so, I think, that exercise also plays into that. So, whether not it's exercise alone or the increased

consumption of French fries that results in higher instances of diabetes, I'm not sure. Well, if that swayed, you go ahead and vote it up. You can go vote at any time on the website. Oh, yeah, go ahead. Yeah. Well, I have

some exciting news. I don't know if you know about this. Speaking of voting on the website, the number one problem of all time is, as of this week, armchair psychologist. Armchair psychologist. That means I am the big winner. I am number one.

Congratulations. I am William Riker and you are Wesley Crusher. I'm number, I am P.P. Number one and you are poo, number two. You thought about that. Yeah, I had that. Yeah, that's not a joke that just comes up off the cuff. I didn't write it down though.

I thought it. Oh, I believe you did. Yeah. With typos. So speaking of the number one problem, I got a comment from Paul Schaeffel. He says, what the fuck, Dick? Maddox is telling a story about a guy upgrading his daughter's computer and Dick goes into this psychoanalysis about, it seems to me that this guy has a techno compulsion that's not healthy and blah, blah, blah.

What the fuck is this armchair psychology hypocritical bullshit? Dick, you didn't even add anything to the discussion. It just seemed like you were trying to preemptively argue against whatever point Maddox was trying to make before you even heard the whole story. Yeah. So an armchair psychologist, number one problem in the world. You know what? Dick, I think this actually proves your point because the fact... It was annoying.

Well, it is annoying, but also the fact that you became an armchair psychologist, it's a huge problem. Man, you just, you can't resist it. Like, I felt like a prick after doing it. This guy was right. I sounded like a prick, but it's just, it's too easy to do. That's why it's such a big problem. Can I just point this out? Go ahead. Dick, so last week we had no-at-old masseuses, no-to-s scientists.

Here's my problem this week. No adult co-hosts. What did I do this week? Okay, this is not really my problem. But you don't have a kid and you always espoused child rearing techniques. Like you're an expert. Look, I think I'm just out here giving my opinion. All right?

If you have kids and you agree with it, great. If you don't, I don't know. I don't know what to tell you. It just seems to me like if you're trying to raise a kid going out in the the backyard and shooting up their laptop is stupid. Awesome. And effective. So what comments do you?

I got comments from Kurt Radico. Maddox, you piece of piss. If you ever talk smack about French fries or coleslaw again, you're going to be morning death at your funeral. You did the right your also. Absolutely love the show guys. Keep up the great work. Great.

So mixed messages on that one. Yeah, a piece of piss. So what are you freezing the piss, you idiot? What are you putting piss in ice cube trade? you know that's going to spill of her. You're going to get on your hands. So I'm not worried about... I don't think you should antagonize this guy, do you?

Yeah, well, I'm not worried about his threats because this guy's going to come over with piss all over his hands, like a fucking moron. All right, idiot. I got a comment from Megan Pennock. It says, When Dick asked for an example of actions Maddox has actually carried out in support of his rants,

the first one that came to mind was the time he mailed a box of tampons and a bottle of No More Tears shampoo to Bill O'Reilly from the Fox News Show. From the... Bill O'Reilly is a big blubbering vagina article in 2004. That was so balzy. That was so balzy? Yeah.

You got a low criteria of balzy. What was her name? Megan Panic. Did you ever get a response from that? No. No. I assumed that they just took it out in the parking lot and blew it up, assuming that there were explosives inside. Yeah. Which is part for cores. Let's see. I got one from Cannon Manly.

That's probably a fake name. God damn it, Dick. How you botched a slam dunk like Neil deGrasse Tyson is beyond me. Sorry, Cannon. I'm trying. my best. Though those tweets were smug as shit, when facing a powerhouse like Maddox, you need to present clear evidence of hypocrisy and douchebaggery.

Then he linked to a YouTube where Neil deGrasse Tyson is being smug. Oh, that's true. You know, we could have brought in some clips of Neil deGrasse Tyson. You know, I actually don't have a problem with Neil deGrasse Tyson himself. It is his zealous fan base that I have a problem with, who can see no wrong and admire him way in excess of his. his accomplishments. Great, he's raising science awareness, but he's not a fucking Messiah. Chill out. Yeah, um, I got, speaking of not a Messiah, uh, Cal Paduzzi says Maddox knows all about

Jan Ort and her discoveries, but apparently not his gender, because you were showing off last episode when you were trying to say what Jan Ort was responsible for, like Das Clouds or some dumb stuff? The Orts cloud, right. Yeah, yeah, but you said it was a chick, and apparently Jan Ort is a guy. You know, I looked it up and it is a guy. He is a guy. It's pronounced what, Jan, Jan Ort, because he's from the Netherlands or something like that. So if you read that name in a physics book, which is where I read it. I read it in a physics book about astronomy. I would assume it's a man because it's not a cookbook.

Bravo, Dick, excellent. So, no, but when I read that in a physics book, there is no context. There's no reason for me to assume the gender. They're not going to mention the gender of the scientists who discovered whatever, who gives a shit. That's not relevant in a physics book. I read it in a physics book. in my whole life, I thought, oh yeah, it's probably some chick who discovered the same.

I'll tell you why you know it's not a chick because there's not six chapters dedicated to it. If it was a chick who discovered that, it would be like, oh, and then the greatest discovery in science came about from this chick. Yeah, well, we got mad I'm curious, so that's enough. And let me guess, I pronounced that wrong. It's madman curie. It's a dude, too, idiots. Okay. So I got a comment from one of my illustrators from the alphabet of manliness, Angela Vildesol.

I'm still friends with The, you know, I talk on regular basis with most of my illustrators from that book. He noticed an interesting thing about your voice, Dick. You know, you've had comparisons to PJ from Goof Troop. One of my friends sent that in. He also said that you sound like Raphael

from the original 1987 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Oh, yeah, the cool one. Uh-huh. Well, no. He's... He was cool but rude. No, that's... Yeah.

It says it in the song, you asshole. Yeah, he is cool but rude. You're right, you're right. and then... He's tough but rude. No, no, no, it was called but rude. Are you sure? Is it...

I think it's tough. Oh, no. Raphael is tough but rude. No, no. And Michelangelo is the party dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or was it crude? You know, it doesn't matter.

It's irrelevant. However, Rob Paulson is the guy who voices all the name. So I looked it up just to double check. Here are some clips from Raphael from Rob Paulson voicing these clips from the original. Listen to how much this sounds like Dick. Calabunga, shredder, you tin-faced geek, get back here and taste cold turtle steel.

You picked a heck of a time to become a philosopher. Does the phrase go suck a lemon hold any meaning for you? That's how I said. Yeah, yeah. Does the phrase go suck a lemon have any meaning for you? It sounds like I just played the clip twice. Let's do this. Somebody toss me a rope.

They aren't paying me enough to take this kind of abuse. And that actually even sounds like it could come from this show. Just the whining. Listen to more whining. Listen to more whining. Man, Leonardo, you are such a downer. Can't you hear? It says beep, beep, beep. It's really comforting knowing that you've figured that out.

All right, I got a stupid sounding voice. Enough. Jesus. Or a million dollar voice, either way. Yeah. It's real erotic when you're like dirty talking with the chick. You know, guys say I sound like Raphael from the 1980s. Teenastery Ninja Turtles. You got a problem? You want to get into the problems? Let's get into the problems. What's your number one problem? You want me to go first? Yeah.

All right. Um, you know, this one comes straight from the comments. So, L. Dix says, again, probably a fake name. I'm curious what is up with the lack of swearing. Uh, you, meaning me, had a whole chapter in your book about how swearing is manly, which it is, and I did have that chapter. Right. It's not like this is on TV or any FCC regulated medium, so I don't understand all the self-censorship. So my first problem, believe it or not, is too much swearing.

Oh, you fucking pussy. Yeah. I know I'm getting it eating it's eating alive for it I know I'm going to get downvoted to hell but it would be disingenuous for me to come in here and say that the problem is not enough swearing because I really think it is too much swearing

too much and I just and I wanted to address it because a bunch of people brought it up in the comments like why don't you swear? Why don't you swear more? Why don't you swear more? Yeah. You have an R-rated character doing a PG-13 show. What the hell is up with that dick? I think I have an X-rated character. Fine. Doing, yeah. Great.

Well, so here's my thinking on it. Yeah. And I went to, like, I did some research on it, and I ended up at the Cust Control Academy, like trying to find reasons. Oh, yeah, of course, the CCA, yeah. Yeah, it's cusscontrol.com. So I wanted to get some, like, reasons for why there's too much swearing, right? And it's a dot com, not a dot org, of course, because they're for profit.

Or a dot edu. I don't know. Those are probably too expensive for the cut. You got to go to the site, dude. This guy has, like, this book. Like, it's this, like, dopey. It's exactly, the guy looks like exactly what you think he would look like. Yeah.

And his book says like cuss control and it's all about controlling cussing. But here's where, okay, here's, but I actually agreed with part of it. And I bring it up just so I can read these parts. The reason I don't do it on the show all the time is because it doesn't communicate clearly. This is from cuss control.com. And it neglects more meaningful words. What's more meaningful than the word fuck? I don't know.

Anything. If you stop yourself from using like the F word or the S word or the shit word or any of these other words, I think you are going to think of something funnier to say. You know, okay, Dick, I hate to actually give any credence to your bullshit-ass problem this week because I totally disagree with it. However, I will say this. I'm pulling the curtains back a little bit and telling, I don't even know if my fans know this about me since I've never really mentioned it in interviews or anything like that. but for the first, I would say, 10 to 15 years of my website, I never used the F word at all in any of my writing. Why?

It was a conscious choice, specifically for the reason you mentioned, because I was trying to find a more creative way to express what I was expressing. However, I found, I finally gave in when I was working on a comic one time, on my article, you know, things that are wrong about the movie signs or whatever. I remember that article. Yeah, there was this line where I just wanted. wanted to say, fuck me in the Ozarks. And I just couldn't think of any other way to say that,

that had that same impact. And I finally just wrote it down as it is, because I really pushed myself to try a creative workaround, and I couldn't find it. Yeah. But I think that's exactly what I'm saying. Like, you did have to push yourself, and it wasn't just fuck me.

It was fuck me in the Ozarks, which is much funnier. Yeah, right? And don't get me wrong. I love swearing. Like, I swear constantly all day when we're not, You don't think I do?

No, not enough. You use your crutches of a-hole, s-fing. I think that's funnier sometimes, though. Sometimes, when? When, I don't know. I get like, I feel like a, like a masterpiece painter with swearing sometimes. Like, I've been doing it for so long, and I love it so much, that sometimes I like to, like, Picasso. I'm like the Picasso of swearing, I think.

Like, he was an amazing painter, like, as a kid, right? Like, he could reproduce any still life or any, like, you know, any action. painting, like to a masterful degree. Sure. But then as he, like, developed, he would start that weird cubist shit. Yeah. Right? So that's how I feel about my swearing.

Like, I like to not, like, okay, yeah, I could do the tapestry of swearing, but then I could throw in, like, an S word, or F, FU, and now it makes you say the word in your head, and that's funnier sometimes. No, it almost never is. Or you go like, oh, fudge! Yeah, see? Because people are thinking you're going to say, fuck. No, because you look like such a finicky bitch right now with your arms up in the air,

which I wish we were recording this on video. Yeah, because you're a finicky little bitch. Like, oh, fudge, fiddle sticks. It's funny in certain contexts, but almost never funnier than the actual swear word. And it depends, however. You know, if you use swear words too much, I agree, it loses its impact and loses its meaning. Yeah. But back to your analogy.

That wasn't at cusscontrol.com. I brought in a bunch more reasons why it's bad, and they lose their impact wasn't on their list, surprisingly. That's because they're such pussies that they never cuss. It could be. Yeah, so back to your bullshit analogy is Picasso. So let's look at this analogy for a second. When you were a kid, you were a master orator, right?

You mastered speaking just like Picasso mastered painting. And then as an adult... No, no, not speaking. Just swearing. Oh, you mastered swearing. Swering. Oh, yeah, man. When I was a kid, fuck-fuck-fuckety, fuck, fuck.

Like, I could fuck with the best of them. but that's not mastery. That's, that's misuse. That's what that is. So Picasso, when he was a kid, if he was a good painter, that means he mastered the use of color and palette and not using too many colors. The number one mistake most kids make, and trust me, this is over-swearing. No, no, no, kids never swear. It's not enough. But when they're, when they're drawing or painting, they use a palette of all the colors, rather than restricting it to like five, the five of the most used colors they use in there and whatever they're trying to depict. Okay. So in your example, you used swearing too much as a kid.

I'm going to tell a user. No, I'm not saying I did that. I'm saying I used it just the right amount, which is all the time. Yeah. And now that you're a big groan... Here's my problem with the censored swearing, effing, esing, a-hole. It's not saving anyone anything. Because when

you say a-hole, I'm thinking asshole in my mind. And when you say effing, I'm thinking fucking. But then I'm also thinking you're a pussy so it's distracting me from your message because I'm thinking what a big vagina you are. Oh really? Yeah. Well, maybe that was this guy's point. So you disagree with me? Oh yeah. I absolutely. I think swearing is great. Not all the time. Not all the time. Use it like pepper. Well, don't use it like I use pepper. I use way too much pepper. But use it like a spice or an herb in your cooking. Right? You don't want it to put too much basil in your spaghetti sauce. I don't know,

Oh, man. So I learned to swear from my uncle. Like, I was first, I was, when I first, I first fell in love with swearing when I was, like, probably eight or nine. Right. And I remember meeting my uncle, my uncle Al, or hanging out with him. He had, he looked like a tough version of Tony Clifton. You know who Tony Clifton is? Oh, from The Man Over the Moon. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Andy Kaufman's alter ego.

Andy Kaufman's alter ego, yeah. He was a very crass alter ego lounge lizard guy, except this guy was like a burly tough dude with those 70s dark glasses, like in a 70s, a big bushy 70s mustache. That's cool. Yeah, oh yeah, it was cool. Especially like in the 80s,

it was like, man, you already look like a throwback. Anyway, he would get pissed off, and he would start gearing up to swear, like Donald Duck throwing, like he would see the steam start shooting out of his ears, and every time he would put his finger up to his mouth, mouth like he was biting on it. I don't know why he would do this. I think it was to like block his lips so you couldn't read his lips somehow or like muffle the swearing.

Yeah. But oh my God, he would get pissed off and he would just let loose F, F, F, F, F, F, F, F, F, F, F, F, F, F, F, F, F, F, F, F, F, F, F, F, F, F, F, F, F, F, F, F, F, F, F, F, F, F, F, F, F, F, F, F, F, F, F, and I F, and I thought, and I thought it was the world. Just in this case, I try not to do it all the time to think of something funnier to say. Okay, but usually instead of something funnier, you end up saying the same swear word just censored, like effing. Well, I guess I'm fucking up then. I don't know what to tell you.

There you go, you are fucking up. Oh, that felt so satisfying to hear. Fuck is such a versatile word, too. It can be used as a noun, as a verb, as an adjective, right? As a pronoun. Yeah. It can be so many different ways. I think George Carlin had that piece about...

That it's like... The fuck word, yeah. Yeah, I don't know. I've got it in that email. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, I'm just sick of getting called a pussy in the comments for not swearing enough. So swear. There's too much swearing.

No, not going to do it. Oh, my... Unbelievable. It's perfect the way it is. Oh, man. So, look, you don't want to swear. You want to make your segment of the show. Because here's the thing, we're recording...

This is a really professional operation, believe it or not. We're recording our tracks on three different tracks. And then, Sean, our audio engineer mixes them, and it comes out sounding perfectly. So maybe at some point in the future, we can release just the Dick track, which is just your censored PG-13 show, and we can just have that just the kids

where you're talking to an imaginary host, and then every few seconds you interrupt with some angry bloviating. And say, F in your assing, I'm getting the death stare right now from Dick. It's funny. No, come on, keep going. What else? I'm so glad there's a table between us right now.

So anyway, I think that, that it is a problem that you don't swear enough. So I guess... Oh, you know what? I heard something interesting this week. This girl said that the reason that the F word is bad is because it combines sex and violence. How is it combining sex and violence?

Because that's the word. It means when you fuck, the word means to violently have sex with someone. What do you mean how does it combine sex and violence? You don't have to have violent sex. It kind of implies that. No, there's all sorts of. You can, what about, what about, um... What do you mean it's not violent?

So the girl at a bar was like, hey, you know, why don't, uh, why don't you just go upstairs and, uh, you know, we'll light some candles and I'll run some nice jazz music and you can fuck the shit out of me. No. What, Sean, what? I'm sure someone will double check me on this, but I think the word, uh, I've heard it comes from a German word which translates to strike or to knock. That's the origin of fuck. Okay, so you're striking or knocking. that's that Poon. Yeah.

Well, okay, I guess that makes sense. But you can also, you can also have all sorts of different, like, what about lesbians? They call it fucking when lesbians aren't, they're not necessarily striking and they're not always scissoring. I know that for sure. Yeah, they don't scissor. What else do they do? Duff.

I don't know, man. I don't know. What could you possibly do? I don't know, but it was interesting because I'd never heard like a good reason of why F word is bad. That makes sense. No, but it's not necessarily violent. That sounds like a feminist theory, a feminist theory type thing, where they bring in some... I've never not meant it in a violent way.

Gross. What do you mean to vibe? It's not violent. Stop saying violent. When I think violent, I think things falling apart and bleeding. Is that how you're having sex, Dick? I don't know, sometimes. Gross.

Poor mangled women or, you know, whatever. No, no judgments. I don't know, man. That's not how you... That doesn't make any sense to you? I mean, you don't give any credence to that? I thought it was interesting. Yeah, but that's not something people internalize in their head.

It's like feminists who have a problem with the word men being in the word women. Because they say, oh, well, it makes women a subset of men because the word men is in there. But people aren't actively critically thinking about that when they read the word women. Or when they say, like, for example, the word hysteria, the etymology of the word hysteria means somebody who is hysterical, someone who has, you know, some crazy psychological malady that they're not able. And it used to be women who I think were on their period or something way back in the day. And they were called hysterics. So they say, yeah.

But today, if you read that word hysterical, right, you're not going to make that association because you don't even fucking know it exists. I was just going to say, I think of a woman like not on her period right before. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. That's when they get nuts. Right. But the majority of people don't make that.

association because they don't even know the etymology of that word. No man I think you're wrong in the F word like I think they do like people it is like as soon as she said it I was like wow I guess it kind of is a violent way of it's like a violence and sex together what squeegeeing that's not violent no that's like squeegeeing is no it's it's a titty fucking that's not violent is this like an urban dictionary thing that maybe I should bring that problem in all these weird sex terms for things face sitting that's not violent yeah but this is all coming from a guy who uses the C word like it's nothing. Like, you use the C word way too much. Oh, no, I don't. I rarely use the C word. That's too much. Wait, wait, wait. Are we talking about Cocker Cunt?

We're talking about the latter. Dick Masterserson, creator of men or better than women.com. Let's go on record. I've used it like twice. I've used it twice on that site. Most women I know use that word like it's fucking water. They just say it like, cun, cun, cun, cun. It's like nothing.

And it doesn't mean anything. It's, again, that's only offensive in America. Most other cultures don't think it's offensive. We're perverting it into this thing and giving it power. You know what? Why don't you guys, everybody listening right now, go to the list of big problems and vote up other N-words. Because here we go again. These are more other N-words.

I just think it makes people uncomfortable. You're dropping that thing like in a mixed company? It's like, oh, boy, all right. Do we all just hear that? Cool. All right. You know, you know. At least say it, if you're going to use the C-word, at least say a British accent when you're doing it.

How do you say it in a British accent? I don't know. Kant? Kunt. Yeah. No, that's silly. I'm not going to do it. There's nothing more offensive than ideas.

Words aren't offensive. Okay, if you give power to a word, with the exception of the N-word, because it's so damn ingrained in our society, we can't escape it. But if you give power to words... I think you're kind of cherry-picking there. I am. But the N-Words bad, but the other words aren't bad. Because there is no other word. There is no other word in our society that has the power of the N-word.

It just doesn't. There just isn't. Well, wait a minute. There just isn't. For who, though? You can't say it to anybody. Like, black people can say it to other black people, but you can't say that to anybody.

Why is that? This is a whole other topic. But that's, I, and by the way, I don't think all black people are on board with that. They're not. Yeah. Right. So what do you tell them? Well, I actually agree with them.

Look, if you want to take the power away from words, then stop giving them so much power. Stop acting like it's a big fucking deal It's not. They're just words. Ideas are way more offensive than words. I can go out on TV. If I say the word fuck, great. Everyone older than six years old is going to say no big fucking deal.

When the planes hit the World Trade Center, the first thing out of everyone's mouth during the hit on the videos, during the recordings was, holy shit. Yeah. They weren't thinking about offending people. They didn't give a shit. That's what just came out of their minds.

They were saying, holy shit, holy fuck. Look what just happened. What's important there isn't the words It's the context It's the ideas So if you go out on TV and you make a racist statement Say I don't know Say just pick a race say all Chinese people are lazy

If you go out there and you make that statement That's not they're not When have they ever been called lazy? Exactly I specifically chose Chinese because that's not a stereotype That applies to them But if you came out and you said that That statement about a specific race

That is infinitely more offensive than cunt or fuck You can go out on TV and say cunt or fuck All day and night not be offensive as offensive as you would be as if you said an idea that actually rubbed people the wrong way. Ideas are infinitely more powerful than words. Well, all I'm saying is that's why I don't swear as much. Trying to keep things funnier. Okay.

See what else I could think of. There you go. All right. Let's move on to a real problem. Too much swearing. You think that's going to get a lot of votes? Somehow I don't think so. It is going to get a lot of votes, a lot of down votes.

So here's my first problem this week. Anti-cyclists. Okay? These are all the dickheads. Oh, here we go. Dicks's one of them. Go ahead. These are all the dickheads who have such a fucking bone-up their ass about cyclists.

And you'll hear them all the time. They're drivers who say, oh, can you believe this cyclist? He acts like he owns the road. First of all, cyclists aren't owning the road. They're just part of traffic. And if you can't swerve your steering wheel, three degrees to the left and go around somebody who has the physical footprint of a human walking, then turn in your fucking license.

Okay? And every time you see a cyclist riding on the street, you should get out of your car, pull over, pull their pants down, kiss their asshole. Because everywhere you go, every time you find a parking spot, there's one more parking spot free because of a cyclist.

One less car. One less car. Yeah. Gas prices are cheaper because of cyclists. And I don't do it for the environment. I cycle all the time, but I don't do it for the environment. You do it for the chicks, right?

Oh, yeah. It's been a real, winter on dates, let me tell you, when I go out to my bike to ride back home. But, no, it's faster. You get some exercise, you get off your fat ass, and that's about it. That's the only two reasons I cycle. Okay, let me ask you this, because I hate cyclists. Okay. I hate everything about them. It's okay if they're on the road. I'm not like one of those guys, or I'm just pissed off to see a bicycle guy there, but, uh, but I do hate them. Let me ask you this. Do you walk your bicycle across the crosswalk?

No. Because I have yet to see one of you motherfuckers do this. If I'm in the crosswalk, then yes. But if I'm not, why would I ride my bike through the crosswalk? I'm not on the sidewalks. No, no, no, no, no, no. Okay, you get, you approach, you approach a red light with your bicycle, right? Right. Then it

turns green or whatever, and you're supposed to walk your bike across. No, dick. You're not supposed to walk your bike across unless you're walking it on the sidewalk. You're not supposed to ride on the sidewalk. It's illegal to write on sidewalks. I swear you're supposed to walk your bike across crosswalks. Not when you're in traffic, but like when you're on the sidewalk or whatever. Yes, when you're on the sidewalk, which means

you're already walking your bike. So that's a false problem. Because I see them do this all the time and I almost hit them every single time because I can't see them coming. Yeah, well, they're not supposed to be riding through the crosswalk because they're not supposed to be riding on the sidewalks. So that's the problem. Motorists always yell at me and say, hey, get on the sidewalk. Well, guess what, dickhead? It's illegal to write on the sidewalk. And then when I do occasionally write on the sidewalk, say if I'm going to a business or something like that, Pedestrians yell at me. They're like, hey, man, that's dangerous.

You should ride on the street. First of all, it's not fucking dangerous. How many people do you know who've died because of a cyclist? A cyclist hit them. How many pedestrians? None. Because a bicycle hit them? Yeah.

No, I think it would hurt the bicycle guy more. Yeah. It's so incredibly rare. However, I have been hit by a car while cycling. What? Yeah, what's it? No, I was going to say, knowing people who have lived in New York City for a long time, it's almost a right of passage to be hit by a bike messenger.

Yeah. Bike messengers hit people on sidewalks all the time. I bet everybody hates bicycles in New York. I don't know if anybody's died, but I know multiple people who have been hit by bike messengers. Well, actually, there was somebody who died. This is actually recently in the news. This is from the New York Times.

A San Francisco cyclist was charged with manslaughter recently because he was riding down a very steep hill and didn't stop when the light turned red and hit a pedestrian walking through the crosswalk. They both tumbled about 20 feet because the guy was going about 35 miles an hour. which is really unusual for a cyclist. But that's exceedingly rare.

I feel like bicycle riders think they own the road, though. Like, I feel like they all got a chip on their shoulder about having their goddamn bicycle. No. Like, oh, we're just like a car. We're just like a car. You guys should be thanking us. I do feel like they're all like that, though, and that does piss me off. Yeah, you know, because all these fucking car drivers are such pussies.

They say, oh, man, I have to slow down a little bit to go around a cyclist. You know, if only there was some utopia where there were no cyclists, on the road. There would be no traffic, huh? Oh, except we already have that. It's called a freeway, and it's always fucking gridlocked because of cars, cars, cars, cars, choking up all the fucking roads. Cyclists aren't the problem. They're the solution, buddy. Your gas is cheaper

because of us. You have parking because of us. Everything's better because of us. And you're just sitting there in your stupid car with your Persian racing rims like an idiot. Yeah. That all might be true, but why are you guys so annoying about it? Like, why do you cyclists? It's always

about bicycling. Everything is about Bicycles, bicycles, bicycles. You do those dumb things where, like, 300 bicycle guys show up, and you take up the street, riding up and down, riding all over town. You're always getting harassed by the cops, right? Yeah, cops do harasses. Why is that? I don't know, because cops have nothing better to do.

They just, you know what it is? I've even heard a friend of mine who said that a cyclist wouldn't get out of the way when he honked. I'm like, well, of course not. Would a car get out of your way if you honked? No, they're just going to continue driving down their path, you dick. And he goes, well, I have 2,000 tons of metal around me. Who's going to win in a battle? Well, I guess you are, Dickhead, if you're going to be a homocidal fuck.

Great. Yeah, you win what? A trip to jail, you moron. So how can someone who's so into driving fast support bicycles? Like the slowest wheels on earth? Dick, it is not. I will race anyone. I can get within a mile of anywhere in this city faster on a bike than a car guaranteed in heavy traffic.

I got to call you out on that because we've done this race. I fucking beat you by like five minutes, dude. You remember? Yes, the coffee shop, and it wasn't five minutes. We pulled it in the same time. And you were sweaty and disgusting. And I was on my phone. I had a nice conversation the whole time.

I had already purchased my coffee. Oh, no, that's a lie. First of all, and it was 1.2 miles. I actually calculated it. I can do one mile faster than anyone on a car. I mean, I'll take you up again. You're on. With that bad.

Heavy traffic, you're on. I can get there faster on a bike than you can. a car. Heavy traffic and what else? No roads. What other, what other stipulations do you want to put on it? We'll go in mountain biking trails. Why, why do people with bikes have such chip on their shoulders? We don't. No, no. Look, some of them do. I'll give you that. Some of them are assholes. Absolutely 100%. And by the way, I'm not a bike activist. I'm not any kind of activist because those guys annoy the shit out of me. I'm not out there protesting and trying to make a point. But I just want to get where I'm fucking going without some dip shit in a car behind me having a fit

because they have to go around three degrees. They have to turn their steering wheel, three degrees to go around a guy who has a physical footprint of a human being. Yeah. What do you do when you encounter bicycle riders in the road? I just go around them. Really?

You just totally like chill? Yeah. You don't react at all. You're just like, well, you know, it's just something we have to deal with. Bicycles in the road. No problem at all. Because you know what, Dick, if you pay attention,

next time you're driving, I want everyone listening to do this. Watch a cyclist that you pass by. And then watch what happens when you get to the next red light. They're going to pass you. And then you're going to pass them again. They're going to pass you. And eventually they're going to be way far ahead of you.

And you're going to be stuck in traffic because you're an idiot. And they're going wherever the fuck they're going, quicker than you're going. I use cars as pace cars. Every time I see a U-Haul truck or a big vehicle, whatever, I look at it. And I keep that in mind and I see, okay, if I was driving, how fast would I get to my destination? So let's go over some of the negatives since you're going over all the positives. Great. Looking lame

That's a pretty big negative I don't know man I think I look pretty cool Hold on I'm writing these down Looking lame You definitely don't look cool That's definitely your opinion Being sweaty and gross

Sweaty is cool Chicks dig sweat Really so you're telling me That every time you've rode your bicycle everywhere The sweat hasn't been an issue Well I'll tell you one time that it has Oh okay I rode my bike to a meeting

with, I believe it was Comedy Central. Lock me through the thinking on that. Well, you know, it was just a mile down the road, but I left late, and I got, I had to cruise really fast. I got there on time. But then I locked up my bike to this handrail and this fucking, fucking, like, mall cop came up to me. He's like, hey, you can't, you can't park your bike there. Okay. I said, why not? He goes, because it's a liability. If somebody's walking up the stairs, they might trip and fall. And I said, he, idiot. If somebody's walking up the stairs and they need to use the handrail.

Like that guy knows. First of all, like whoever trained him took the time to explain why these rules are enforced. Yeah, thanks, thanks buddy. Yeah, if somebody's walking up the stairs and they need to use the handrail, they're probably handicapped anyway and they're not going to get more handicapped. Like, who cares? Okay, so this is from a bike guy.

Fuck the handicap. Whatever. Good start. Sure, whatever. So anyway, I had to race down into the parking garage. I had to park my... And by the way, they didn't have any bike locks downstairs. It was just a fucking parking garage where executives parked their cars. Where are the fuck am I supposed to park my bike?

You're supposed to park it when you were 13 and then you never ride it again. Because it's not something that adults do. So anyway, dude, I got to my meeting on time. Where did you lock up your bike? Oh, I just rode it back up and parked it on a sign or something. Who cares? So I got to the meeting. However, the reason I was sweaty is because Dickhead Security Cop made me run downstairs and run back upstairs.

And I came to the meeting all sweaty looking like shit. So whatever. Okay. Yeah, that's why you don't see my show on Comedy Central because I was too sweaty. Okay, sweaty. Okay, what are the negatives do you have? I think almost getting, like, the reason I don't have a motorcycle, I go through this, like I go through motorcycle withdrawal every year about summertime.

It would just be so cool to have a motorcycle and drive around L.A. Right. But I think I would get hit. Like, I'm pretty sure I would get hit by a car. So I've actually done the research, and motorcycles are way, more dangerous than cycling because you're driving at faster speeds, you have lower reaction time, and you're actually in both lanes of traffic, whereas cyclists tend to stick to the side and on slower side streets and things like that.

So that's why cyclists are safer than motorcyclists. In fact, I have some stats from the New York Times. It says 4,834 cyclists and 59,925 pedestrians were killed by motor vehicles in the United States between 1999 and 2009. So in 10 years, the most recent year for which figures are available. Now, according to the CDC and the prevention, I'm sorry, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, cyclists killed just 63 pedestrians or about six per year during that same period. I'm getting all mixed up with the numbers. What is the amount?

So in 10 years, cyclists killed just 63 pedestrians. Okay. Yeah, but no one's concerned about bicycles killing people. Exactly. They're concerned about bicycles being annoying. Oh, no, wha. What are you going to do about it, dude? Look, if you just waved a magic wand and all the cyclists were gone,

do you think traffic would get better or worse? I don't care. I just don't want to deal with them. I don't want them buzzing. I don't want to have to try to squeeze around them when they're taking up, like, more room than they need to be. Yeah, then you have to, then whatever you get, there's going to be 10 more cars parked because suddenly cyclists aren't there anymore, right? You know, bicyclists are like pregnant women.

Like, it's just like, they make everything about their dumb bicycle. Like every pregnant woman is like, well, oh yeah, you know, Shakespeare, that reminds me of my baby and how I'm pregnant. No, no, that's not at all. First of all, if you have a cyclist who's making everything about cycling, then you have dickhead friends. When I cycle places, I don't make a big fucking song and dance about it. I just get there, do what I'm doing, and then go the fuck home. I don't care if anyone knows how I got there. My form of transportation isn't important.

That's such bullshit. I only have one cyclist friend and it's you. And it's always, I can get there on my bicycle faster than anyone in their car. You guys are suckers. Yeah, that's true. Eat a dick. Well, here's another interesting stat. The number of trips made by bicycles in the United States more than doubled in the last decade,

according to the U.S. Transportation Department and Federal Highway Administration. Meanwhile, the total number of cyclist fatalities has fallen by 21% since 1988. All these stats don't make you guys less annoying. That's all I'm saying. Dick, I don't know how, like, I've made such a cogent, clear argument, and all you're saying is, wow, it's annoying. Because anti-cyclist people don't give a shit about lives you're saving or not saving or whatever. It's just fucking annoying to deal with bicycles in the street. You know what's fucking annoying?

Traffic, and that's you. You're traffic. I'm clogged up sitting behind some dipshit with Persian racing rims because you're too much of a moron to get a cycle by a bicycle and ride around town. Yeah, I will not get on a bicycle and ride around town. It's uncivilized. Right on the sidewalk. Just do us all a favor. Take your toy and go on the sidewalk with it.

Yeah, why don't you write on the sidewalk? Take your bullshit-ass car and write on sidewalk. Oh, wait, that's what you were doing already. So, rain slick dick. Oh, that's a low blow, man. You know what, dude? I can't ride on the sidewalk. I can't ride in the streets.

I can't ride anywhere, huh? So maybe everyone should just drive everywhere all the time, and traffic would triple. That's what would make you happy And there's no more parking spots There's more And the gas prices would go up Because everyone's using gas all the time

Yeah You know what Nothing would make me happy I know It's just the It's that I'm just explaining to you Why you guys are so annoying Do you think cyclists are morons

Morons? Yeah No What So what How would you describe cyclists What are they? Um

A pain in the ass Pain in the ass Yeah So you're saying What Dick is saying here Is he wants more pains in the asses on the road in cars behind wheels. That's what you want.

You want more pain in the ass people in cars. Look, I don't want I don't have a solution for this. People who hate bicycles don't have a solution. Maybe, maybe, it sounds to me like you have a final solution in mind. Hmm. Very good. Fucking fascist. All right. What's your next problem?

Speaking of fascism, my next problem is the Nuremberg defense. Oh, great transition. Yeah. So you know what the Nuremberg defense is? Let's define it for some of our listeners who are morons, which is a lot Um, the, I think it was, when, when World War II was won, they lined up all the Nazis. When America won World War II, let's make it, let's go on record. Yeah, they lined up all the Nazis in court, Nuremberg, the Nuremberg trials, right?

Right. And they said, okay, you guys are guilty of all this horrible stuff. And I said, well, we were told to do that. So it's not really our fault. So the phrase is, we were just following orders. Orders, right? Yeah. Yeah.

And I guess that worked. Did it? Were they let off the hook? I think that's, I think they got let off for that. Sean, you always know facts. That's true, right? Everybody basically got away with everything because they said somebody else, someone's shaking her head, no.

I don't think they did. No, I don't think so either. I don't think that was a good defense. Oh, really? No. And also... It doesn't sound like a good defense? Isn't that the premise of the,

what was the psychological, the famous psychological experiment? The Milligan experiment. No, the Milgram trials, right? Or the Milgram experiment, where they asked people to shock, give a painful jolt to somebody behind the wall who was acting like they were in pain. And because a doctor who had authority told them to do so, they kept shocking and shocking beyond lethal levels because an authority told them to. Pretty funny experiment.

Pretty hilarious. But that's essentially a replication of the psychology that went into Nazis saying we were just following orders. Yeah. Okay, then you're saying it's a big problem. It is. So the reason I brought this up is, you know that, have you heard that Comcast call? where that guy tries to cancel his Comcast service. Yeah.

It's kind of old, but I just got around to listening to it this week. No, it's still pretty current. There's that guy who called Comcast and he tried to get his cable service canceled. Yeah. And he argued with the guy for over, what, 20 minutes. He records the second half of it, and he says he did it for like 20 minutes. Yeah. But I finally listened to it this week.

And it's like, it's painful to listen to. Right. It is frustrating to listen to. But everyone's excuse is this. guy was just following orders? Like this guy was just doing his job. They're basically giving the Nuremberg defense for this jackass. Right. But I listened to the thing, and

it's clearly just the guy being an A-hole. Like, if the Nuremberg defense didn't work for the Nazis, I shouldn't work for this guy. You know what I'm saying? So I brought in, for a first time, I brought in clips to the show to prove it on. I didn't bring in the whole thing because it's like, I don't know, if you want to listen to the whole

thing, just go and Google. We'll link to it on our website. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Play uh, okay, play the, hold on Not yet. The first one is... Where did I... Oh, yeah. Okay, so the first one is this guy throwing out the Nuremberg defense. Go ahead. Play number one. Help me understand what you can't just disconnect us.

Okay, false. Yeah. That guy's job is not to do what he just said. Idiot. Yeah, his... Oh, it's his job to just... To sit on the phone and dick around. Yeah, to dicker... No, your job is to handle customer service inquiries, dickhead. If someone wants to cancel, you fucking cancel. Yeah, I mean... I mean, like I hate Comcast as much as everybody else, but I don't think it was their fault here.

You don't think it's Comcast's fault? No. They train these dickheads. And I'll tell you why I do think it's Comcast's fault because I used to work in a telemarketing company. And we had lots of clients inbound and outbound. Outbound was mostly soliciting calls. And inbound was customer service related for different clients like Sprint and Nextel and all these different phone companies. And they taught us when somebody called in to cancel their service to give them a first objection.

and now that means we object to their cancellation and try to keep them on board and then if that didn't work give them a second objection and some clients thought that the second objection was too much and we shouldn't do it but some of them went to third fourth fifth objections

and some of them were taught don't let the customer cancel no matter what and that's exactly what this sounds like some dickhead told him not to let the customer off the hook that doesn't excuse this jerk off from doing this so this guy and the people at your company are making a choice to follow these

like orders that are coming from on high. Right. It's still their fault. They're still the dickhead doing it. It's not the company. No, it's both. I think it's the company and it's the person. Yeah, well, you can't punch your company in the stomach.

Yeah. That's the point I'm making. This guy deserves more blame than the whatever, like, the atmosphere, the boiler room atmosphere that Comcast is generating. It's their policies. I'm telling you, Comcast tells their reps on the phone. Comcast is trying to eject from this one, say, no, no, no, this is this a bad seed.

It's the one guy. It's not the one guy. If this guy didn't have an incentive to do this, he wouldn't do this. I don't think that excuses it, though. I really don't, like, I'm not defending. I don't want to seem like I'm defending Comcast because I hate them too. I think there's scumbags, too. I mean, it seems that way.

What? That you're defending Comcast. Oh, yeah, I know. It seems like I am. I actually think they love this. Comcast? Yeah, because they get, everybody's thinking about them, everybody's talking about them, and all, like,

they can come out like priests and go oh my god we're gonna change everything yeah this is so bad right this is obviously so bad we're gonna fix everything and they're not gonna do shit of course oh of course so they get a bunch of free ads for it yeah um go to uh yeah you kind of already said that go to number three okay i'm just gonna wait until you can confirm that we've canceled service so i'm just gonna hang out here you're all set thank you very much for being okay can you give me a confirmation number for the cancellation of service? I don't have a confirmation number. There is no way that that's Comcast policy.

That's all I'm saying. No, that guy's a little bit of snod at the end. Yeah, he's an A-hole. He's an asshole. Yeah. An asshole for sure. 100% for sure, an asshole. I see what you're doing there.

But yeah, okay, maybe Comcast's policy is to give the customer a confirmation number, but the fact that they... And he's so emotional about it. You can hear it in his voice, like how emotionally invested he is in getting this sale. He's just a total prick. Yeah, he's a prick, but he's that way because Comcast incentivized his prickish behavior. See, you're letting him off. And that's why I'm bringing this up as a problem.

Because you are totally letting him off the hook by saying that. No, they're both guilty. I think you should hang this guy, right? Yeah, that's what I was thinking. Metaphorical or literal, I'm okay with the capital punishment in this case, and or destroy Comcast, break by break. Just dismantle that whole fucking. evil firm. I fucking hate Comcast. Everybody hates Comcast. They're absolutely terrible.

And for our international listeners, Comcast is a cable and network provider that has huge monopolies and huge swaths of America where if you sit out in the suburbs someplace in Utah or New Jersey or wherever, sometimes the only service you have is Comcast. You have to pay whatever fee they want you to pay because they have monopolies. They have contracts. They have lobbyists. And they keep other competitors out of their areas. Well, they give local politicians kickbacks. That's how they get those monopolies. Oh, absolutely. So here's why the Nuremberg defense is the biggest problem in the universe, though.

Because Comcast is going to go away. All right? They're going to get driven out of business by whatever Internet Hulu or Amazon TV, whatever TV networks are coming along when we don't need cables anymore. But the Nuremberg defense is going to be here forever. People, whatever the next thing is that's going to kill cable is going to come out and say, like, I was just doing my job by being a total jerk to these people when they're trying to cancel their service. Well, if we can effectively...

Same reason a bouncer won't let me into a bar when I'm wearing flip-flops. Like, well, just doing my job. Can you just be a person for a second and let me in? You know, Dick, I'm glad you brought this up. I actually do agree with you. This is a legitimate problem, and you actually brought in research. This is like the first time you've done this, and I'm so happy.

Thanks. But, yeah, this is a great problem. I actually like this a lot. I've been trying to... Maybe I can get less shit for this next week than... I think so, yeah, I mean, I'm on board with. with us. I think that I've been trying to dismantle or reverse engineer the Nuremberg defense, and I'm not sure if this is the right way to do it. I'm still experimenting with it,

but sometimes I'll run into a dickhead security guard. Like I was riding my bike the other night in a parking structure, and who cares? It's fucking 10 o'clock at night. It's empty. There's no one around, and some dickhead happened to be on his walkie-talkie upstairs, just passing me at the wrong time. And he goes, stop right there, stop right there. Are you looking for your car? And I got tripped up because I wasn't expecting. I got my bicycle to look for my car, you fucking idiot. Idiot, yeah. So anyway, I was like, no.

I'm just riding on right now. You can't be up here. You can't be up here. I'm like, dude, who cares? And I kept riding and goes, oh, just stop, stop, stop. I'm like, all right, man, all right. He's, like, radioing people. And I'm glad I did because there were cops like right downstairs.

Yeah. So I'm like, I came up to the guy and before he could even say it to me, I said it to him. I said, I get it, man. You're just doing your job. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm trying to diffuse the situation, but I'm not sure how to get what you want after you've diffused the bomb. Okay, well, well, what did you want to, why were you riding your bicycle around a parking structure, I guess?

Let's find out what you wanted in this situation. I was just going for a ride. If you've never read, it. It's fun. You ride all the way up. It's a big spiral. You ride all the way back down. You get to the top.

You got a great view. There's a breeze. It's nice. Is this your workout? No, I just do you ride bicycles up parking structures in the town? If I'm riding by something that's a big, you ride to the top, you get to the top. If I'm riding by something. that looks interesting. I'm going to put my bike in it.

Okay, no, I'll give you that because I like climbing parking structures. Yeah. In your car? No, when I'm drunk. Oh. So in your car. Rain slick dick. Let's talk about something else. So anyway, yeah, so I'm trying to dismantle the Nuremberg defense.

So I've been able to diffuse it, but then to get what you want, I don't know what the next step is. Well, that happened to me this week. I was at Stout again. My favorite hamburger restaurant. The burger place, yeah. And they're open until four. Yeah.

Which means their last call goes right up until two. Right. And it was like one, it was like 152. I ran in there. I was like, all right, thank God. I can still get a beer. Thank God. So I go to the counter.

Like yeah, dude, give me a, you know, give me a, um, give me a mom's legal pills. Like stat right away. Give it to me. Yeah. And he goes, all right, here you go. Just so you know, I got to come and collect this in six minutes or in five minutes. whatever you said.

I was like, okay, buddy, good luck. Exactly. So I was geared up for like, well, I've never been tossed

out of stout before, but I am not giving this beer up. So I'm like fuming, right? Yeah, yeah. Amping up for getting what I want, like you're saying. So he comes back, like five minutes later,

and I had already drink the whole beer. All right. Jokes on me. I guess you're both losers. Well, I guess you for alcoholism and him for being a Nuremberg defense dickhead. Okay, so is that your problem?

Yeah, that's the whole thing. Like, I also wrote down all these dumb quotes from The Verge, like surveyed all these Comcast employees. Yeah. And all of their interview clips make it sound like they're being trained like Nazis. They are. What the fuck, though? Like, you're on the phone talking to somebody.

Just give them what they want. Yeah. And don't do shitty things just because some authority told you to do it. Thank you. Don't do shitty things to people. Stop being a fucking robot. Unless it's funny. Okay, unless it's funny.

Okay, just real quick an anecdote. I was at the New York airport, the JFK airport, standing in line for security. And there was a long security line, and I was near the front. And I heard this lady, this wife and her husband were standing near the front. And the security guard told her to go through the first class lane because it was empty. And no one was coming through and no one was coming through all the way down the terminal. You could see it was empty. no one was coming through first class.

So the security guard told her, go ahead and go through first class. Being a cool guy. Being a cool guy. Right. Because his job, he was also breaking the rules, I'm sure, trying to expedite the process. So this lady says, well, it says first class.

And he says, I know, ma'am, it's okay. Go ahead and go through first class. And she goes, but my ticket is not first class. It's coach. All right, that's it, lady. Go to the back of the line. That's it. No, but then it goes on.

And then he said, I know, it's fine. Just go to first class. And she goes, are you sure? And he says, yes. And then she goes, but my ticket is still, it's coach. I'm flying southwest in, it's coach. And the guy's like, just go through first class. And then she's like, well, I don't know if I can.

My ticket. And I almost like butt in. I'm like, lady, just fucking go. Just fucking go. I was going to push this bitch right through the fucking line. Are you insane? Are you that fucking robotic? You're so ingrained to the fucking rules of society.

You can't fucking, even when someone's telling you, he's the authority. You can't even override the previous authority. You fucking Nazi? Jesus. My dad used to do something similar to that when we were kids and we'd go on a trip. Yeah. He'd be like, all right, we're boarding early.

You guys have to act like you're under 12. And we'd be like 18. Like, sir, they're not. He goes, yeah, yeah, yeah, they're fine, they're fine, they're fine, and he'd shove us through. Just walk through, just do it. Just do what expedites the process. Make people's lives easier.

Stop following authority. Jesus. All right. I'm all pissed off now. All right, what's your last problem? That's a good problem, Dick. Thanks, man. I really thought about it. I worked hard at it. Yeah. Like I did a bunch of research. I made those dumb clips.

Made the clips. It brought evidence. It's great. Great problem. My next problem, and now I'm the one with minor quibbles this week, is hyphenated names. Okay. I am so tired of hyphenated names. Okay. First of all... So a hyphenated name, I'm just going to say what it is, because I didn't learn this until I was in my 20s. Uh-huh. That it's when a woman, like, takes the guy's name and tags it on to her last name when they get married.

and puts a hyphen in there. Basically, yeah, basically. Or the guy does that with the woman's name, and they share each other's last name. Like the mayor of L.A.? Or did he just take her name? Via Rigosa? Is that?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think his name was like Villar and hers was like, and he either took her name completely because it was like more Mexican sounding. Yeah. I don't know. He probably was.

He combined two names into one name. There's no hyphen there. Yeah, but he took her name. Yeah, via Rigosa. Yeah, yeah. That's weird. That's name melding. So,

hyphenated first names. Yeah, that's not the right thing, Sean. We're talking about something else. So why don't you keep it, keep a lid on it? No, but it's all really... Dickhead brought it up. It's all, no, it's all really, I have a problem with all of it. All of it's a problem. Now, and then now people are hyphenating first names. You know what? Anytime I say a hyphenated first names, it just means that it's the result of two people who shouldn't have gotten married, right? A hyphenated first name? Yeah, because they can't make a decision. Wait, they hyphenate their own first names? Well, not with their last names, but say, for example, there's, you know, you know a guy named Ken John or, you know, Duane, Dwayne, or something like that. It's a hyphenated first name.

Okay. Because, because you know what that comes from. The mom wanted Dwayne, the dad wanted Reed. Are you serious? This is a real thing? Yeah. That's what it is. Well, I know, like, Peggy Sue.

Yeah. Like, that's like a hyphenated first name? That's a hyphenated first name. So this is actually happening where the mom wants a first name and the dad wants a different first name? Yeah. And they hyphenate the first name as a compromise. That's the compromise. Are you serious?

Yeah. Where is this happening? Everywhere. Everywhere. Some of my good friends have hyphenated names. I love them to death, but it's annoying as shit. First names. Yeah.

First names. Oh, that's goofy. Yeah. Even my editor, for the help of it of manliness. Yeah, Ruby Strauss. He's a great. He's a great dude. I love the guy, but he's got one of these bitch-last names.

And then you have, you know, I don't even want to say any of these names. They're all coming to my mind. But, yeah, Peggy Sue is another one. I learned what hyphenated names were because of Ruby Strauss. I was like, what's the deal with the name? Why they have that fancy hyphenated name? Yeah, because they're not on board with the cultural norm in America where the wife takes the husband's name when they get married. And fine.

I kind of like the idea of hyphenating the first name, though. Why? That's stupid. No, because then you get like two really, really strong. Like you could get like Derek the Incredible Hulk. Like, hi, I'm Derek the Incredible Hulk Masterson. Yeah. Like that, because obviously the dad wanted Incredible Hulk, you know, what I'm saying?

You think the mom wanted something lame like Derek or something. Were you, I think Dick, you have an interesting story. Were you telling me you have a friend who has a superhero name? Oh, God. Yes. Oh, you know who it is. Can you tell the story on the air? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I think he would love it. So he snuck in. His kid's name is Eddie. Yeah. He managed to sneak that in, and he made, like, as an afterthought, he made the middle name Brock after Venom. Like Venom, the superhero or supervillains

name is Eddie Brock. So the kid's name is Eddie Brock. And he totally... I know he didn't explain why Brock was like sentimental to him. But wait, wait, wasn't there more to the story that his wife hated comic books? Wasn't that...

Maybe someone else telling me this. But someone was telling me that they... I mean, that sounds like a better story. I thought this was a story. So there's a friend of mine said that his friend loves comic books and his wife hates them. And so when their kid was born, she doesn't even want comics around the house,

she doesn't want the kids reading comics, anything like that. She just hates comics. She thinks they're bad, they're a bad influence and whatever. So, yeah, this guy's a big pussy, so he married her. And then he named his first kid Xavier

and his second kid, Logan. And his wife went along with it, totally fine. And then they were at a friend's house one time, and he said, yeah, this is Xavier and Logan. And he goes, oh, you mean like the ex? And he goes, and he goes, chich, chich, chich, he snuck that under the radar with his wife. It makes me so happy. He probably thinks about that while he's banging her.

Oh, my gosh. I got away with that. Oh, man. Yeah, you take it. That'd be, give me the biggest boner for the rest of my life. I would love it so much, getting one over like that. But yeah. Yeah, sneaking stuff into names is really fun.

It's a funny idea. Yeah. You know, I'm also thinking, it is funny, but not at the experience. of having a hyphenated name. If you have to have a hyphenated name, fuck off. Here's, I have a new theory. I have a new theory.

So the more syllables your name has, the bigger asshole you are. Oh, yeah. Right? The more syllables, the more syllables that you have, the bigger asshole. Okay.

If you have six to eight syllables, fuck off. Neil degrass Tyson. Yeah. How many syllables? Neal. Is that two? Is that two?

Is that two? Is that two? Is that one? That's three, depending on the pronunciation. Debrast Tyson. I guess that's not two. That's like, what, five?

Yeah. Yeah. No, that's not too bad. And I don't really think he's an asshole, just as dumb-ass fans. Yeah, if you have six to eight syllables, and you're cursing your child to go through life, having to speak a sentence every time they say their name. And they have to repeat it all the time. That seems like something you would do, though.

Yeah, well. Didn't everybody have to call you, like, His Honorable, something Impermatics? Actually, at a book signing? No, for an entire month after the Hurricane Katrina donations, I did promise that I did promise that I would not read or reply to a single email that didn't include to his majesty the Honorable Maddox. Yeah, I remember that. Yeah. And everybody, even made my editor, I believe my editor had to reply to me like that, too.

I wouldn't read anyone's email. I mean, if you had a kid, it sounds like something you would do. Like an outrageous middle name like that. Yeah. There's that guy in Sweden, too, who recently changed his name. It's the longest name in the world, according to Guinness Book of World Records. but it's something like Tron, Optimus Prime,

Mega Death, Metallica, Viking, Thor, whatever. And it just goes on. All its favorite cartoons. And then I think it's his 9-11 conspiracy theory and all this other bullshit he just like throws in there. So what's your problem with hyphenated names?

What is it really? Like is it that nobody's sacking up and naming the kid? Yeah, pick a name people. Make a decision. Make a fucking decision. And also about the hyphenated last names, what happens with your next generation of kids?

Okay. So let's say somebody comes along, Their last name is Ruby Strauss. Mexico is what happens. Like, that's what's happened. Dude, Mexicans have like a hundred. Dude, they've got like six middle names and like a bunch of last names.

You never know which one's which. That's not racist. Yeah, if two minds can't agree on something as simple as a name, then don't get married. Idiots. Just don't get married. And yeah, the Mexican problem, sure, you're going to have kids. If you have two hyphenated, if you have a hyphenated last name and you meet a girl or you're a girl and you meet a guy who also has a hyphenated last name,

guess what? Your last name's going to have two hyphens and four names. That's stupid. Yeah, I kind of like that hyphenated first name, though, because then the kid could pick. Like, if you have a cool middle name, you would go with that. You got all these options to pick from. Oh, my God. Too many fucking names.

Just pick one. Just pick a fucking... And you know what? Everyone with a hyphenated name eventually starts going by their initials. Hey, T.J. Hey, A.J. Hey, B.J. It's always a J.

There's always a J in there. Yeah. Yeah. I know a guy who just has one letter for his first name. What is it? P? R. R. That's stupid.

R is stupid. And also people who name their kids after, you know, just silly sounding names these days. Everyone's got to be really and then special spellings for their names is really annoying. Like Brian, B-R-Y-O-N. What is, why are you doing that? What are you standing out?

And only in print, by the way, when you introduce yourself to people, which is the majority of the time, how people hear your name for the first time, is through introduction, verbal introduction. The stupid, fancy spelling that you spent nights dreaming up with your dumb-ass wife isn't going to come across.

No. So just get a fucking divorce. Yeah. Idiots. Well, you're clearly all worked up by this. I have no fucking idea why. Hyphenated names. Because you can't make a decision

that speaks to bad decision-making. So what about middle names? You have a problem with those two? No, because no one ever sees or hears them unless you're looking at someone's passport. And if you are, you're bored in a security line. I don't have a problem with that. All right.

I think middle names. If you should have all your interesting names, save them up and jamming them right in the fucking middle. Because that's the only time anyone's ever going to care is when you're standing in a security line at an airport and TSA's being a dickhead because some bitch at the front won't go through first class security. And then you have nothing, you have nothing but time to kill. So you're standing around with your passport and your dick in your hand. And the person next to you says, hey, what's your middle name? You're like, Thor, Jesus Christ. What's yours?

Right? That's the only time it matters. It's a cool name. This is a cool fucking name. hyphen, thorn, hyphen, Jesus, hyphen Christ. Fucking hyphenate the shit out of your middle name, because no one ever has to know. And then when you're playing that stupid game with girls,

we're like, what's your middle name? And they don't want to tell you, and you just immediately blurt yours out, so you show your hand immediately, and they're fucking holding it against your head all fucking night. You've never done this in bars, and they're like, no, you have to guess, you have to guess. Well, what letters is all right?

No, you have to guess. Well, there's 26 possibilities for letters. Why don't you just narrow it down one out of 26, bitch? And then she's like, gna, no, no. And then you... Anyway, it makes that game more fun when you have an interesting middle name. So, hyphenate the shit out of that.

But nothing else, guys. Just simple fucking names. Choose. Make a decision. Make a decision. So in your perfect world, there'd be like five names that everybody gets to choose from. Yeah, it would be just like China.

Yeah. Oh. Everyone has the same surname in China. There's like five surnames in China. There's Chang, Chong, Li, and Liu, I think. You know, that's an exaggeration. There's a lot more surnames. But this is kind of interesting.

One other note I want to make about this. So the hyphenated name is not universal. I'm sorry, when people get married, when women get married and they take on the surnames of their husbands, that's not universal. That's actually mostly common in Western countries, specifically America. In Saudi Arabia and in Muslim countries, women keep their surnames. So all these women who are like, oh, let's liberate the Muslims because they have to wear burqas. They're more advanced culturally than we are in certain. aspects because the women always keep their names and I don't even understand why it's a big deal

I don't give a fuck what you call yourself if you're marrying me and blowing me every now and then I'm fine with that I don't know I think I would want the name change why I don't know never thought of it before do you name your shits sometimes yeah yeah I go be like oh that was I call that one too much Vicodin this week oh oh what does that come out of lumpy and gross no no dude uh constipation is the side of like if you take too much Vicodin for an extent of period of time, you will shoot a football. Is that... That's a medical fact.

Okay. And an anecdote that I want to end on. I believe it does say that on the packaging. So, okay, yeah, let's actually... Let's summarize. My problems are too much swearing. Oh, God, I'm going to get killed for that one. And the Nuremberg defense.

And my problem is anti-cyclists and hyphenated names. Let me just say, I'm pretty. predicting a Nuremberg defense clean sweep. You know what, Dick? I would never say this, but I actually hope so. That's a really good problem. And don't forget to vote, the biggest problem in the universe.com. Thanks for listening.

Thanks.