The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 13

Episode Date: April 26, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe. I'm Maddox with me Zygmasterson. Hey, how's it going, everybody? I got sad news to start the show off. I was the biggest problem in the universe last week for like a couple days with armchair psychologists. Yeah. But as of right now, I am losing to slacktivists. Right.

Which I don't think are as big of a problem as armchair psychologists, but the listeners disagree with me. Slacktivists are a super set of armchair. chair psychologist. So slacktivists, a lot of them are armchair psychologists, and then they take that and try to make it some kind of action. They try to make a call to action based on their stupid theories. So that's why. It's a super set. I tell you, you lost me with the math stuff right away with superset. I'm out. I'm checked out. Apparently a Venn diagram is too massive. All right. Who won? Who won last week? The number one problem from last week was the Nuremberg defense. Yes.

followed by hyphenated names and then anti-cyclists and dead last is your bullshit too much swearing problem, Dick. You know, I'll copp to that. That was, I listened to myself last week and I sounded like an idiot. A huge pussy, right?

Yeah. But here's why I brought that in and I didn't get into it on the show and I don't know why I got really excited about that Cust Control Academy because it was so funny. Yeah. But one of the reasons

that I don't swear as much on this show is because I don't want this show and you specifically, like, you know, the Maddox podcast, has to get written off as like that show where everybody swears all the time. That's, that's a positive thing. That's definitely a positive. Like, that's the show that I want to listen to is that show.

Oh, they swear all the time? Sign me up, buddy. All right, well, again, I think I'm going to sound like a pussy again. Yeah. So I'm just digging it deeper. I only know how to dig my way out of things. You're probably right. Well, I'm glad you mentioned that because I have a couple of comments that address that.

About me being a pussy? Yeah. Well, more or less. This one actually, this guy says he actually agrees with you. His name is Joey Rogers. He left a comment on the website, the biggest problem in the universe.com, leave your comments there, and we'll read him on the show.

He says, actually, the more I think about it, Dick is right about swearing excessively. Why he feels the need to say things like S word is beyond me. Seriously, Dick, knock that shit off. But he does make me think that hearing children swear, they do it excessively, and it makes them seem foolish as a result. Wrong, Joey. They seem foolish because they're children, not because they swear too much. And, and he says there is a sweet spot with profanity,

and overuse just cheapens the emphasis it's supposed to give. Now, Joey, you said you're agreeing with Dick, but that's actually the point I made on the show. Fuck you. That's for you, Joey. Well, here's what I'm saying, and I want to add to what he's saying. I don't swear unless I feel the hate in my heart. And then I let the swear, you know, because that's authentic swearing. You've got to feel it in your heart, and then it just comes out of you like a care bear except a hate.

Like it shoots out of your chest and this beam of sludge and toxin. And that's what swearing is to me. So if I don't feel it in my heart, I'll say like, oh, S this, F, that, F this. But when I feel it, like when I'm looking at you in your eyes, I'm like, you know what, Maddoch, why don't you just go fuck yourself with this problem? Yeah, well, William, it's a soft J judge. How do you like that, William? I'm not going to pronounce it soft J.

It says, tell Dick to never censor his swear words, especially in a meeting or argument. If he did that all the meeting. Yeah, if he did. This guy's pretty hard. So he says if he did that at the weekly meetings I go to in the Air Force, he would be targeted for sure. Either swear or don't swear. Saying something like what an a-hole says to someone like me

that you're limited in what you will and will not do. If you have something I want, I will immediately start thinking about how to take it from you or take what you have based on your current limitations. Oh, bring it on. That's what this guy's saying? He's going to fight me anytime, anywhere? What's his name?

William, it's a soft J judge. All right. Bring it on, William Gudge. Is that how you say that? Gudge? Is that a soft jay? Or is it Yudge? Yudge. It's probably Yudge. Like Carl Young. Bring it on. Bring it on, pal. Well, here's the other thing, too. I feel like maybe some, like, I feel like people who are age have kids now. And they want to listen to the podcast. But maybe their significant other won't let them if it's like F, F, F, F, F, F, F, F all the time.

But a couple swear words is okay. I'm not going to cater to pussies. This show is for hard people. All right. All right. William, it's a soft. I blew it this week again. All right.

Well, at least you seeded the point a little bit. Speaking of blowing it, can I read a comment? This one is from, let's see, I'm going to read Derek Stutz. He sent me a gigantic one. You tell me when you get sick here in this. He starts out. Gaze. I'm not sure if you meant guys or if he was calling his gays.

But it says gays. Although I'm thoroughly disappointed that Maddox took the position of pro-cyclist, I have to blame a key omission in the anti-cyclist argument on Dick as he was the one defending that position. So your problem of anti-cyclists caused a huge shitstorm in the comments. Right. Yeah. The center of Maddox's argument revolved around traffic and gasoline, which helped him make a legitimate sound argument, according to this guy. Right.

It's true that people who ride a bike and Louvre driving definitely save gasoline, and I guess save the earth or whatever. Or whatever, right. That's not the reason I do it. Well, I don't know. This guy says maybe it is. Maddox brought up the fact that you're an idiot if you can't pass them, but if you're on back roads, which cyclists often are, sometimes you literally can't pass them because of oncoming traffic and you're forced to drive at 15 miles an hour, which is fucking infuriating. What's this guy's name? Derek Stutz.

How's that, Derek? Listen, if you're riding on the back roads of some city, why don't you move to a real city? Is this seriously a problem? You're so... Yeah, well, no, that's the solution. That's the solution. Not like four-wheel drive around them. Your solution is to move to a city.

Why don't you become part of civilization? Where the fuck are you that there's so many cyclists on the back road? Where are you driving to work? What's your job, idiot? It says he lives on the route of the Tour de France. I don't know where that is. That's in France. Oh.

So he lives in France? Does he actually... No, no. He's got to be sarcastic. I just made that up. Here comes point number two that Dick omitted like a bitch. I don't know why this is necessary. You have to take into account the purpose of a bike ride.

Then he goes on and on and says that... You know, bike riders wear skinny, skin tight get-ups, and they travel in packs, making it harder to maneuver around them, and that they act like cars and pedestrians at the same time, which I think is true. Yeah. Because they're in the road, and you're not supposed to pass them because they're supposed to be cars,

and then they jump on the sidewalk and cause problems there. That's exactly what happens. Sean's notting his head. Yeah, because Sean hates cyclists, too, because everybody hates them. Excuse me, bicycle riders. You pussies. So I got a comment about this too From this guy named Seth Charles Forsman

He said Maddox, if a cyclist wants to be treated like a car They should be able to consistently travel At 35 miles per hour and faster Since they can't, they should get on the sidewalk And stop impeding traffic Well first of all, dickhead It's illegal to ride on the sidewalk

And when we do a bunch of crybaby pedestrians bitch about it So you can't ride on the sidewalk You can't ride on the street Where are you supposed to write? You're not. No place. Except here's the thing, Seth. Don't cyclists don't impede traffic cars do Okay now cyclists aren't the reason that traffic jams occur

You know what causes traffic jams too many fucking cars The answer to traffic jams isn't more cars Every cyclist you see on the road is one less car you have to wait behind That you don't have to wait behind Yeah and all you fucking pussies are just crying like baby There has never been a traffic jam caused by a cyclist Never wait a minute I got a quote somebody says Oh somebody has a good quote for that hold on

I can't I can't find it. Oh, yeah, this guy. Dustin Singer says, oh, and Maddox, I promise you guys riding bikes have killed more people than just about anything. I don't know. I don't know what that's supposed to mean. Just about anything. Guys riding bikes. Yeah. Sounds like the argument I just, I literally, not even joking, not even 45 minutes before this podcast, I just responded to a chick who sent me hate mail about an old article I wrote about whales. and she said that whales do not kill people and they're very peace-loving animals. Aren't they? I wrote back, no.

I wrote back and I said, whales are the number one killer of sailors, and that's a fact. Is it true? Of course it's true. Whales are the number one cause of death among seamen? Oh yeah, absolutely.

Whales kill it. Are you making that up, or is that true? Are you doing a joke? What do you think, Dick? Well, I don't know, you're Mr. Stats! I got his stats for you. All right, Dustin Singer also goes on to say fuck bikes.

Great. There you go. Thanks, Dustin. Idiot. I got one more comment. Do you mind if I go onto my problem from there? So here's my last comment.

This is from DS. Hi, Dick. If Maddox hates monkeys so much, then why does he look like one? Regards. Good, good dis. That's a pretty good point. Hilarious diss, dipshit.

You know, I've been compared to lots of things. Monkeys all you got? Monkey? It's pretty funny. Oh, yeah. Yeah, real hilarious. Yeah, pretty funny if you're in, if you're three.

Yeah. Like, I've heard better disses from three-year-olds. What have you heard from a three-year-old? Poop-haired, poop face, poop stain? Poop stain is a good dis if you think about it. Yeah, that's gross, man. They're essentially saying, you don't wipe well. Well, they're calling you, like, the detritus of a poor wiper.

So not only are you shit, because shit could come from, like, a good person, but you're shit from someone who has poor hygiene. Like, that's way worse. That guy's insulting at, like, a 12th grade level, man. That's pretty good. Yeah. So, like I said, so this guy called me a monkey. Poop stain is a better insult than that.

Well, I just thought it was funny that he threw like regards in there. Yeah, thank you. See, it's a pretty good setup. Like, if Maddox hates monkeys so much and you think something funny, like smart's going to come out of it, then why does he look like one? I love that you're so amused by that dick. That's a perfect joke. And it's only a sentence. Great email.

Here's my first problem. Monkey copyrights. Monkey copyrights. Well, well, well. No, get it out of your system. Go ahead. Go ahead. monkeys.

Who brought up the problem of monkeys on this podcast, huh? Like episode number two? I was like, monkeys are a big problem. And now what are they doing? So you can give the setup to this problem. No, no, no. Yeah, episode, maybe episode two or episode three. You can go check out the biggest problems, and you'll see it on the list,

and then you click on it, and you can listen to the episode. Maddox brought in a problem, which I thought was the stupidest thing I had heard in a long time, that monkeys were a big problem. So this week Let me set up where this What a monkey copyright is Because I know Sean doesn't know what a monkey copyright is This guy, this photographer

David Slater He's a nature photographer Right? Yep So he packs up all of his equipment And he takes it to a jungle in Indonesia To take like weird monkey pictures Right?

Or whatever you do Whatever you do is a nature photographer, I don't know Yeah I was thinking about pictures Of a bunch of monkeys Yeah So he sets all of his crap up, like his tripod and his flash, right? Right. Then some monkeys come along, and they start dicking around with his equipment.

Yeah. And they take, like, because they like pressing buttons, you know? So they end up taking all these funny pictures of themselves, like, by accident. So it's like a monkey selfie. Yeah. Like a stupid grin on the, like, you believe that the monkey has an Instagram, and he's uploading it, like, right after he does it. It's funny. Have you seen the picture?

Oh, yeah, he's got these stupid horse teeth. Yeah. He looks like an idiot. Yeah, he looks like an idiot. Yeah. He looks like everyone's selfie, basically. Yeah. So the guy comes back, and the image ends up on, like, the Guardian or something like that.

And it's like, okay, cool. Like, what a jackpot for this photographer, right? Next thing you know, the image ends up on Wikipedia. Right. Okay? So he goes, no, no, no, no, no. You can't, because everything on Wikipedia is, like, free. Like, once Wikipedia gets their teeth into it, they're like, well, this is free.

free. They have a Creative Commons license, which a lot of it has to be either that you can reuse it, you can upload it, you can use it for commercial purposes. Some of it, you have to use attribution. Some of it is just public domain. And Wikimedia, Wikipedia, is claiming that this picture is public domain. Yes. Specifically, so he gets it pulled down.

Somebody uploads it again. Like basically now he's bailing out a canoe that's sinking with the speed of like a thousand internet posters. This is Wikipedia's response. The file is in public domain because as the work of a non-human animal, it has no human author in whom copyright is vested. So Wikipedia is claiming that the monkey owns the copyright on this picture that clearly belongs to this poor photographer, David Slater. Yeah. So I saw this and I thought, what a goofy news headline.

this will be done this is obviously a mistake and somebody at Wikipedia is going to go like no obviously we're not that fucking retarded this is obviously this guy owns this picture we're not a bunch of jackasses like we don't have monkeys here

clicking buttons to run this organization or or this is a controversy and that there's actually another side to this issue can you fucking believe that there are people who think this is correct that this guy actually doesn't own this photo it belongs to a fucking monkey?

That this is the world. And of course, as soon as I saw the comments, I was like, of course I'm the crazy one. Of course I'm crazy for thinking that this poor guy who lugs thousands, tens of thousands of dollars of equipment into the jungle and manages to capture this amazing picture that so, like, artistically describes the human condition at this point in technology, of course he gets shafted.

Of course he's getting shafted. Of course there's people who think, yeah, go, play it. Play it, it's hilarious. That's unfortunate. Yeah, it's unfortunate. This poor bastard shells out all this dough, and this is his big break. He takes this amazing, he gets this amazing monkey selfie that, you know, it's like a once-in-a-career shot. Like, it's so perfect, immediately fucked over.

And every fucking armchair, like every internet lawyer is coming out of the seams, is creeping out of the bits of the internet, posting on Facebook. Well, you know, he just, you know, really, you think about it, the monkey did all the work. Yeah. Yeah, sure. The monkey composed the shot. The monkey bought the equipment. You know, so I was reading, great rant, by the way, Dick. I was reading. Yeah, I'm going to go have a heart attack now. I'm just like it's so, dude, it's like you did it. You lived your life's dream and you immediately got fucked over.

It's like the old man in the sea every time I think about it. That's right. Go ahead. So, yeah, I've read all these comments of the people defending the monkey. And they said, essentially, Wikimedia's argument is that the monkey pressed the button for the shutter. so therefore the monkey owns the photograph. But if you think about it... Right? Right?

Yeah. So I made the case... Unbelievable. I was looking into this. I was thinking, well, first of all, I have three points against this. The first point is that a contract is not legally binding for any child under the age of 18, due in part to their inability for the child to fairly or accurately interpret his or her rights. Right. So a monkey can't be legally binding to any contract for the same fucking reason.

Monkeys aren't going to be going to the copyright office at Congress. And if they are, they should get the fuck out. What are they doing there? Morons. And then the question of who pressed the shutter is moot. It's just... It's crazy. It's a crazy point.

It's a crazy distinction to draw when you're talking about art. Well, so people, sometimes photographers set up cameras that have procedurally generated shutters. So, for example, when they detect that a flash is going to come on, so for lightning or thunder, so they try to take thunder photography. Right. So who owns that picture? The thunder, you fucking idiots? God.

Does the Thunder own the... Just God own the copyright to that? We've got to send royalties to the Vatican now. Yeah. Every time we do... Anytime lightning takes a picture, you have to shoot money into space for space aliens to grab it

for causing the lightning, or you've got to mail a check to the fucking Vatican. Or you can have the shutter triggered by motion. There's motion detection shutters. So you could potentially... What Wikimedia is suggesting is that there is a public claim on surveillance footage.

So if surveillance footage inside a store is triggered by motion, I guess we own... that because nobody owns that, the motion owns the copyright. Huh, Wiki. Is that what they're saying? Yeah, you know what? I would like to see, like, let's, let's take, let's take the mechanics out of it. Like, just, just looking at it from an artistic point of view. Right. If, like, uh, okay, um, you know the, you know the movement, the ready made sculpture

movement? No, no. Okay, Marcel Duchamp. He was like, some fucking artist. I don't want to sound like a fancy pants here. I'm too late. He had, he got a urinal, a urinal, right? Yeah. And he turned it on his side and, he turned it on his side and, signed it and he said there that's art okay like what so wikimedia who who made this who owns the copyright to flipping a toilet on its side and signing it is he the guy who also made the the statement the artistic statement that said uh this is not a painting this is not a pipe because it's a photograph of a pipe or something like that's a painting of a pipe yeah yeah yeah it's not him that's a different guy that's magreet i think oh is it i don't know i don't know i don't know

I think it's McGree. You know, good for you that you don't know, and I don't know. That's cool. Yeah, let's keep it that way. Let's not learn anything. So it's like, what are you guys? Like, you fucking assholes, you just want that picture for free so bad. You're willing to screw over an artist who, like any other artist would have freaked out

and would have thrown rocks at the monkeys because they might break his camera. But this guy is totally chill. He's set up an environment where something might happen. That's the artistry. Yeah. It's very cut and dry. So I have two points to make. I have one in defense of the photographer,

and then one, just to play devil's out of kit. So in defense of the photographer, by the way, there is no fucking evidence that the monkey pressed the shutter. So he says that the monkey did, but that's not evidence. The photographer can say anything. No, in court, that's not it. It's his word versus the monkey's word. I mean, the photographer could have lied and said,

oh, I did that for the narrative to make it exciting or whatever. Oh, that's what he should do. Yeah, he could just... Yeah, he should do that. Right. Right. You know, it would kind of deflate the mystified. of this picture. Yeah, but it would be a real good, like,

fuck you story. Yeah, it's a good fuck you story. Like, he's obviously lying, and he should be like, well, why don't you go round up the fucking monkey and ask him what happened, you motherfuckers? Ask the fucking chimp, if you can speak in a stupid howls. It wasn't a chimp, I don't know what kind of monkey was. I think it's a macaque, macaque, macaque.

I want to say a macaque. Is that a type of a macaque? Is that a type of what? Type of monkey? Yeah. It's a macaque. And then here's the point I want to make sort of in the opposite direction. So what do you think of this?

I was thinking about this problem the other day. Like, essentially the monkeys stole this guy's camera, used it, and then the guy retrieved his camera. So the claim is that the monkeys own the photographs that they took with it, however it's still his camera. What if somebody steals your laptop and just to, you know, just play devil's advocate here. They go home and they sit down and they write the next great American novel.

Like they write a novel on your stolen laptop. I think that the person who stole the laptop still, owns the rights to that novel. No. No way. Well, just because you use something stolen doesn't mean the person whose property it is. You know, if you use the shovel that you stole to build a house, they can't just come take your house.

Yeah, but if you steal a gun and you shoot somebody with it, is there like a thing where if the person didn't secure the gun enough, then they're partly liable for that? I mean, we're in California, so I got to assume that something that assonine is probably true. Potentially, but that's not a creative expression. I think I'm talking specifically about something... Well, you could paint in the medium of dead bodies, I suppose. But I'm talking specifically about creative expression or any kind of creation.

So, again, if you stole some construction equipment, built a house, do they then come take the house because you stole the equipment? No, I don't think that's true at all. So what about the novel that somebody wrote on your stolen laptop? Yeah, it's your novel still. It's your novel. Yeah. Just because you use the tool to do it. Like the process, the artistic process is what you copyright, not the tools you use to do it.

Right. So to play devil's advocate, couldn't you then say that, okay, the monkey does have a case? No, because it is a fucking monkey. That's why. Right. Well, if it was... You win. You win this because you were right about monkeys. I shit on you before, but you warned us all that the monkeys were coming to take our jobs? They're taking our jobs, these monkeys? Taking our women. No, dogs are taking our women. Yeah. Did you? No, I saw this thing that women are like replacing their need for babies.

Yeah. With little dogs. dogs. And the only reason women need men is to have babies. Yeah. That's true. And why else would you want a guy around? If you're a woman, why would you want a guy coming into your house, farting and messing up your stuff?

That's all we're going to do. Breaking your shitty furniture that you bought on your parents' credit card to peer one. Eat your food. Eat your fancy fucking salad. Not even no. Or care about what's in it. Your macrobiotic, organic bullshit. We're just going to shovel it on our mouth and poop it out hours later.

Not watch six hours of Netflix every night. No, because we're out doing shit, building shit. That's what we're doing. Well, that really pissed me off, that monkey thing. Yeah, well, and rightly so. Monkeys are stupid. I warned all you idiots, and you downvoted it. It was episode number three.

Go listen to it. I made my case against monkeys. They're in the way. To make up for it, everyone should upvote my monkey copyright problem. Dick? Not your problem. Don't hijack. You know what?

If the monkeys don't go up and rank significantly, I'm going to be really pissed off at the world. I brought in a quote from an expert. Oh, yeah? Yeah, this, what is she? June Berserk, an executive director of the current center of law, some executive, whatever, at Columbia Law School, right? Listen to what this bra said. It's a great final exam question for a copyright class.

This question is a great final exam question. Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah, because it comes up all the time. This is a great case study, huh, idiot? Yeah. So a guy gets dicked over by Wikipedia. What? Is it legal? DUR?

There has to be, under the copyright law, as it's been interpreted, there has to be a human authorship for there to be a copyright. Okay, which there is. Okay. So there is that. So I would say there isn't copyright on the photo. That's what she says. There's no photo. Okay, so what about, again, what about procedurally generate?

What if you just set up a shutter to go off in 10 minutes or whatever, or it's just a camera that someone set up a long time ago? It's a security camera or something. Who owns that footage? Because somebody didn't press the shutter. What if he had just said, yeah, I gave my camera to the monkeys so they could dick with it, to see what would happen? The monkey promised he would give it back and that I owned all the rights to the image. Yeah, say the monkey told me. The monkey told me.

When he asked the monkey, oh, he's not feeling like he's not in the mood to talk. By the way, you can't force the monkey to talk, Fifth Amendment, right? He can't, he doesn't have to incriminate himself. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know if he broke any, he's probably trespassing the monkey. Are you allowed to be living in the jungles of Indonesia? Probably not. Well, the guy.

He probably owes somebody something. O some taxes to the Indonesian government. When he clicked on that dickhead, besides that monkey should be a millionaire with that photo. Whatever, fuck that monkey. I warned all you idiots and you didn't listen. No, that's it. Good. All right. Let me move on to my first problem.

Female genital mutilation. Jesus Christ. Getting right into it. Okay. Here we go. So, I've been thinking a lot, and a lot of the problems we bring in are either neutral or male sense. And I was thinking what is a problem that actually is a real serious problem that a lot of women have to deal with.

Okay. And by a lot of women, guess how many? So I heard the stat a long time ago on NPR. And it was so surprising that not only I was doubting it, but the correspondent doubted it. So she had to look this information up. Oh, because it was so big? It's so big. Okay.

Well, let me guess then. Yeah, yeah, you guess. What percentage, so the country Egypt is an Arabic country, but it's a lot of, it's a lot of, It's also very modern. It's very Western. They have a lot of the same laws and rights that we have. What percentage would you think of women in Egypt have female castration? Percentage?

Yeah. Okay. What do I know about Egypt? I know that's where Indiana Jones was. Does that help? No. I don't think he was in Egypt. Well, in what part four?

Yeah, because Salas, no, in one. Casales said the Nazis have Shanghai to every tigger in Cairo. 80%, 80%, higher. What? Higher than 80%. Sean, any guess? It's actually 91%. 91% of women in Egypt have female castration done to them.

Oh, God. And for people who don't quite know the procedure, I mean, they are literally cutting the clitoris out of the women, or they mutilate them. All right. And it gets even worse. In Sierra Leone, 88%. in Guinea, 96% of women.

Holy shit, man. 74% in Ethiopia. So combined, that's over 125 million women and girls in Africa and the Middle East, according to UNICE. Wait, wait, how many million? 125 million. 125 million? Yep. And if you think this is just like a Muslim issue or a religious thing, it's not.

There's 144,000 women in the UK and Wales who are at risk because their parents were born to, you know, Excuse me, the kids were born to Tunisian parents or Ethiopian parents. So a lot of times the parents will fly them out when they become adolescence around age, you know, 13, 14 years old. And they get their clits removed. They get cut. Oh, my God. All right. Now, so this is.

That's a, can we focus on that number for a second? It's unbelievable. It's interrupting your thing. No, go ahead. That's, I mean, that's twice so many people then that watched the Super Bowl. Isn't that right? Like 60 million people watch the Super Bowl? Well, it's half the country. That's half the country of the U.S.

Yeah. Half the country of the U.S. Oh my God. That's over 60 million in Egypt and Ethiopia alone, those two countries alone. That's disgusting. It's, it's outrageous. I didn't know it was that big of a problem. And I don't think even a lot of people know it's that big of a problem in the U.S. Especially feminists out here who are sitting here railing about Photoshop on cosmopolitan issues. Hey, idiots, if you want to take a cause, take up a cause, and go to Ethiopia, go to Africa, go to Africa, go to Egypt and try to solve this problem. Because guess what? This problem isn't rooted

in religion. It's not. It's not rooted in men just trying to control women either. It's just, so UNICEF actually asks people, they polled them. Yeah, I was going to ask, why do they do this? Yeah, it says here, this is from UNICEF, from an NPR article. It says, the presumption has been that men often condone

female mutilation, but when we look at the data, it doesn't support that. Many men and boys want the practice to stop, too. The problem... Yeah. Yeah, this lady Monetti, I think she's a director at the Unisuff. She says the problem, Monetti says, is that communities, even couples, don't talk about the issue. The desire to end the practice is hidden, she says. Men often don't know what women think and vice versa. So about 20% of women across all 29 countries surveyed have undergone the extreme procedure in which the genitals are cut and then the vagina is sewn shut.

What? Yeah. They sew the vagina shut. Like, you know this? Sean's nodding. You've heard this, yeah. Okay, why? Why the fuck would you do that? Right. So here's the interesting part here in the article.

It says some people mistakenly frame mutilation as an Islamic practice, says UNICEF deputy executive director, but it's not, she says. There are many Islamic communities that don't practice it. It's not written anywhere in the Bible or the Quran. So this is not a religious practice. I thought it was. No, it's not. Instead, the practice is linked to poverty and lack of education, the report finds,

and a girl is much more likely to be cut if her mother was. So this is just something that poor people do because everyone's always done it. It's always been tradition, so they just keep doing it. Are you kidding me? That's it. I thought the reason that we didn't get involved with this is because it was like a huge religious war waiting to happen. That's what I thought, but it's not. A lot of Muslim, in fact, the majority of Muslim people don't do this.

This is just in certain countries and certain communities because it's been the practice for so long. That's hard for me to believe. Yeah. I got to hear, like, a Muslim person tell me what you're saying to know for sure. You know what I mean? Yeah. That's a mouthful. They're just doing it because they've always done it.

So one of the examples in Iraq, it used to be as high as about 30%. And currently it's dropped over the last few decades. It's about 9% of women in Iraq still get this procedure done. And it's not for any particular, I mean, if it was a religious thing, Iraq, if anything, has become more staunchly religious. Yeah, but... It's become a more staunchly religious state. And yet, female genital mutilation has dropped in that same time to about 9%. So it's just a tradition that people have always done.

And nobody really knows why. I mean, can you give George W. Bush some credit for dropping that number? No. No. Oh, so it's only his fault for invading on bad info, but... Well, he did know. Well, something good out of it and... Okay.

Yeah, he did lower that number by also lowering the population in Iraq, so there you have that. Well, you brought in a disgusting problem. It's a real problem. This is an actual real problem. I had no idea. It was just like a knowledge thing. Yeah. It's like a super... or they just think it's something to do?

Well, so there's one woman in this NPR article who went out. She's a very outspoken critic of female genital mutilation because when she was 13 or 14 years old, she's, I believe she's from Somalia and her parents flew her out there and she said she woke up in some dingy hospital room. I got to tell you, this is making me want to throw up. Yeah, it's a really rough problem. Yeah, no, that's gross. So they flew her in this dingy hospital room and she said she wasn't even sure if it was a hospital. And she said that this woman came into this room who was dressed not as a doctor,

but as she can recall what you would imagine an African witch to look like. And so she came in there and mutilated the genitals. A lot of the time, though, like in Egypt, 70% of these female genital mutilations are done by doctors. So especially the poor people, they don't want to question the authority of doctors. So if a doctor's doing it, it must be right, right? Yeah. It's kind of like, it's kind of like male. I mean, this isn't at all comparable in terms of the scope of lasting damage that it does, but it's kind of like male circumcision where everybody just kind of does it. Do you know the reason people do male circumcision? Well, okay, so let me say that I know what you're talking about. I know the big debate. Now that we're talking about penises,

I can talk, I know what's going on more. I can talk more about this. I know that there's controversy on whether you should do it or not, but then I've, and it seems like people are pretty staunchly against it and like I've heard the arguments where the cleaning isn't so bad and you lose all this sensation if you get circumcised and it's like it's like a torturous experience right I guess but then I hear people who are like late in life and they get circumcised and they're like yeah that's all crazy just get it done do it to your kids I'm like I don't know what to think on the circumcision yeah I don't know what to think either and there's actually a really funny video about this on college humor that talks about the history of circumcision it's a three minute video and it is fantastic

It's so well done. It talks about how circumcision just kind of came about and because some superstition or somebody believed something and they just started doing it and it's always been done just because that's what everybody has always done. And to be totally cynical, some people say now that circumcision and female genital mutilation occurs because it's a big industry.

Doctors make a lot of money on circumcision and female genital mutilation. Well, the latter's awful. That's got to stop, right? The circumcision, I don't know. I'm still out. I'm still undecided. Because people who are against it are so passionate about it, and that always makes me suspicious. Yeah.

And it's always that the most outspoken people are usually hippies. About the castration, I'm talking about, or not castration, the circumcision I'm talking about. They're mostly hippies. You know, I go back and forth on the circumcision thing, but this castration thing's got to stop. You know, we should have somebody from each side of the circumcision issue on this show, Because we know somebody who's anti-circumcision. Both of us do. And I would like to hear, like, I would like to actually get the real reasons for why it's,

like we should get a late in life circumcised guy. And then we should look at their dicks, you know. No. Just for fun. Here we go. This was a long con. Dix just trying to get me to look at dick like usual. Gross, dude.

Okay, so here's what I think about, you know, after doing the men or other women's stuff and going on the radio and, like, getting screamed at all the time. Yeah. Like, I've done, I'm sure you've done. the same thing. You go on the radio all the time and people tell you what a jerk you are. Right. And this and that. About how much you must hate women, blah, blah, blah, blah.

I always get the question, well, what do you think about feminism? Like everything they're doing, like trying to get women to make more money in the first world. There should be 50-50, female CEOs, blah, blah, blah, blah. Don't you think that's great? And like, shouldn't, like, shouldn't their sole purpose be

to stop this? Yeah. This is so much worse then you make a little bit, then you're not making as much money as a man allegedly or there's not enough chicks in video games or comics. Like, where the fuck is the outcry for this? This is why I think that people are giving a backlash to modern third wave feminism in America

because they're obsessed with these minor minutia these fucking social justice warriors on Tumblr are complaining because someone said bitch on Twitter. Who gives a shit? Go to Papua New Guinea, go to Sierra Leone, go to these places where women are having acid thrott. thrown in their faces still. Wait, is that a religious thing?

It's actually based in superstition. They do witch hunts. That's the same thing? Yeah. Well, no, no, that's a different thing. This is actually women are getting acid thrown in their face. No, I know about the acid thing. Yeah, because of which trials.

And this is something that feminists aren't taking up their cause for. Yeah. But of course, when it comes to not enough female video in game characters, let's talk about how Samus has been oppressed and has become a sexual object. I know, man. A fake cartoon fucking character. And you think this is what's causing female gender. mutilation. In these cultures, they didn't have video games. They didn't grow up, grow up

with playing the same video games that we did. And yet we don't have female genital mutilation out here. Or if we do, it's extremely low, it's less than 1%. Well, that's why I have a hard time taking them seriously. Taking who? If any, well, anyone with a cause, I guess, but feminists specifically, because it's like, I mean, you're, you're like rearranging, like, you want a little bit more money, but you're saying that's like empowering women? No, it's not, it's empowering you. And people who are exactly like you. Just say it for what it is.

You just want more of stuff. You're not crusading for anybody. You're not crusading for human rights because there's 200 million women out there getting their genitals shaved off. And their vaginas sewn shut. That's weird, man. It's so disgusting. It's like, it's worse than medieval. Like,

if you wanted to torture someone in medieval times and by the way, that is the most sensitive area that I can think of on a woman's body next to her heart. What are they doing about that? Nothing. There's no cure. They just keep crying.

No, I know. I think they do that in L.A. I heard that. I heard that was happening. Yeah, there's a whole bunch of just cold-hearted zombies walking around here. But other than that, anyway, man, yeah, that's my problem. Pretty big problem. But, yeah, that's what I want to talk about.

It's a real serious. It's a heavy topic. And it's something I don't think we've really delved into. And by the way, I think of all the problems we've brought in so far, this problem actually deserves to be number one on the list. Well, slow down, though. I mean, that's easy for you to say you're already number one. Yeah.

But, I don't know, armchair, psychologist. That's pretty bad, too. Yeah. They're doubly screwing themselves over, too, because they're like, that's probably why all these places are still broke as shit and poor and don't have anything good, because they're ruining their one incentive to do anything. Yeah, that's exactly good point. You're showing the vagina shut?

Well, why am I even getting out of bed? Yeah. Uh, what's the point? Hey, Dick, go build a dam. Why? Why would I do that? Why do anything? Yeah, why do anything?

You sewed all the fucking vagina shut. What do I want money for? Yeah. I want money to impress chicks, right? Yeah, to ban them. I'm not going to... And you know, you know, can you imagine things from the female perspective here for a second. If you had, if you had this procedure...

If you've had this procedure done to you, imagine growing old, growing to become an adult, and having those sexual... urges, but then also sex being incredibly painful for you or, you know, it's not always. Some women are able to recover and they're able to give them some sensation. But for a lot of women, sex just becomes this non-issued. It's something that they don't want to have. It's something that they don't crave. It's because it's painful for them.

Yeah, of course. So that can, that's going to totally fuck up the whole dating dynamic. It's going to fuck up their desire for men and everything else in their life. They have all these psychosexual disorders and. Oh, armchair, psychologist, here we go. This is according to the article, though. This is actually from the NPR article. Anyway, it's a big problem.

So that's what I'm bringing in this week. What do you got? What's your next one? Is there a fix for it? Did NPR tell you how to fix it? The fix is to go to these impoverished communities and just try to educate people and try to tell them that this is an archaic practice.

Well, don't talk down to them. No. That's what you're doing. You can't go to them like what they got their... Are these, like, people with, like, bones and shit in their ears? Oh, boy. Yeah, let's not talk down to them, dick. This is a private conversation between, they don't have internet there.

Oh, yeah. No, no. I mean, what do you do? You're like, uh, how do you convince somebody who thinks this not to do it? You literally have to go to these communities and educate them and say that the way that you're able to educate them. Convince me. Okay, I'll tell you. Sure.

Okay. So you, I would come to you and I would say, hey, listen, this is actually going to kill your daughter. So don't do it. kill. My wife didn't get killed and she had it done to her. She's lucky, but most, most women... Oh, come on, we got a hundred and 120 million women doing this. None of them are getting killed. They don't have internet. They don't have the access to these stats. Okay, fine, we got a billion women doing it. I'm just making up stats now. Yeah, well, it doesn't matter because you don't know, you're impoverished. Remember, you don't have internet. Okay, okay. So I can tell you

anything, you have to believe it because you're dumb. No, that's not how dumbness works, buddy. Oh, apparently, because apparently nothing sticks to you. So anyway, dude, I, I don't, I You didn't talk me out of it. Dick, if you want to cut your own clit, then go for it. Whoa. Go ahead. No, you got to say, look, man, you don't do this? These broads are going to be out of control horny.

That's what's going to happen. You got to tell the kids that. If you don't do this. This is what, no, this is what the African warlords do. You got to get the kids and you go say, hey, you guys, you got to stop this because these chicks are going to get crazy horny if you stop doing this to them. No, you know, seriously, the problem is, that over, I think I read the stat, over 96% of women 40 and older in these countries, have had this procedure. And something about, something like 40 to 60% of women younger than 20 have had the procedure.

So it's lower, it's less common in the new generation of women coming up. But again, if your mother's done it. Making progress. Yeah, you really have to go there and educate these people and tell them the dangers and tell them why this is such a bad procedure. and then maybe you can stop the process. Because this process stopped with this woman who had it in Somalia. She went back and she said that her two nieces were the first in her generation of women who have not had this procedure,

specifically because she spoke up and she said, no, let's not do it. So if you tell women to speak up, I mean, that might be enough. That might be all it takes to stop this procedure. Well, I don't want to risk being a slackivist, so I'm just going to not do anything about it. Well, there you go. Okay. I would rather you not do anything about it than change.

your profile picture on Facebook or go out and protest on Hollywood Boulevard or some stupid shit. Then you're in luck because that's exactly what I'm not going to do. Congratulations. Here's my next problem. Okay. Um, no one talks on the phone anymore. Oh. That's not a good... Can you phrase it better?

Nobody uses the fucking phone anymore. There you go. I like that. Is that better? Put the word fuck in there. I tried to come up with like a Seinfeld-y way to say it. Like phone phobia or something, but that's not what it is. It's nobody... Everybody wants to text and write and email and shit and not pick up the phone.

Look, you know, there is no bigger way to seem like a creep to a girl than to try to call her. Yeah. Are you aware of that? Oh, absolutely. That's why I don't call girls. Yeah, well, I did. I tried to anyway. I really fucking blew it.

Oh, let's hear this story. All right. Do you have a story? Do you want to tell about that? No, no, yeah. I'll tell a story. Sure. So, girl adds me on Twitter.

It never happens, right? Because I'm, like, dead on Twitter. Right. So I messaged her with, who the fuck are you? Like, what are you adding me on Twitter for? What's the deal? We start talking for a while. Get her number.

Hey, do you have a boyfriend? What's going on? She knows a friend of a friend. We're having a good time. It's like, all right. Got her number. Text her. Nothing.

Call. Oh, that's a big mistake, buddy. Oh, yeah. You never call. Well, that's what everyone tells me. Like, you can't call. You can't call. Are you kidding me?

It's intrusive. It's rude. How is it rude? How did we go from calling is like like like a chivalrous I would say? In like what, the 90s? Do you remember that? Remember when like Pagers were a thing? I guess I'm just an old fashioned kind of guy from the late 90s that I think calling is cool.

You're an old dick. Yeah, I'm an old, well when I tell people that I called someone, they look, especially women, they look horrified. Exactly. They should be. Well, this is an embarrassing story. But the reason I'm, you can make fun of me. Everybody's going to make fun of me for being a loser, right, with this girl? But I'm bringing it in because I think this happens to a lot of people.

Okay. And I think people are setting themselves up for disaster by not talking to people on the phone. That's ridiculous. Do you really think so? No, it's not. First of all, in terms of communication, in terms of the types of communication, I would list talking on the phone as one of the most inconsiderate. The most inconsiderate form of communication, I think, is talking on the phone because you're saying to somebody, hey, this is urgent, I have to get through to you, drop whatever you're doing, stop reading your email, stop working, stop doing whatever you're doing, and pick up the phone and talk to me, like, I'm a fucking boss, like, I'm your executive right now.

What are you so busy with shit? You're never just kind of sitting there and you can throw stuff on a back burner and have like a nice conversation with somebody. Never, never. And even when I am talking to somebody on the other phone, I got apps running in the back. I'm checking my email and checking everything. I don't want to talk on the phone. You're the fucking worst. You're the fucking worst. What do you want to have play girl talk?

Like a chick? Let me tell you why. Let me tell you why. I brought in, finish the insult. Sit on the bed and what? Sit on the bed with your feet kicked up in the air, eating twizzlers. Braiding my hair. Braiding your hair.

Talking about boys on speaker phone. Yeah, what are he talking on the phone for? It's so inconsiderate. Voicemail is the number one most inconsiderate. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I give you voicemail. You can get so much more information across. on a phone call, though, that you cannot get across in text.

Wrong. When you send a text, you are basically, you're basically like a gray person with no personality, and you get absolutely nothing in the form of, like, context and meaning. It's just words. That's because you're not... Words that you can make them mean whatever you want. You ever have a fight with a broad over text? You know exactly what I'm talking about.

I do, and I'm a great writer, and I'm a great orator. I can do both. And when I write, they know exactly what I'm saying, because I have the perfect vocabulary and the perfect emoticons. Totally false. The reason why, what are your emoticons? Do you do those little Chinese ones? Oh, all sorts of crazy.

Usually penis ones with the squirty thing on the face. Oh, yeah. The Tilda's on the face. Yeah, yeah. I love those. Especially when you're having an argument and you send one of those after an insult. So you say something like, well, it wouldn't have happened if you wouldn't have sucked a dick last night. And then you put a little, you know, frowny face.

That's a rough fight. Well. Here's why. First of all, I've got to call you out on this. The reason why you like writing so much is because you're writing these texts and emails to yourself and then you decide, well, I understood everything that I meant. Fuck them and send it off. No, dick, I'm really good at communicating.

That's why I can send texts and have them stick. How do you know? You're not on the other side interpreting it. Because I defuse bombs. I defuse situations. I know how to bring people down off the ledge. I just do that. I have that power.

You've sent me a lot of emails over the time I've known you. Every single one fucking infuriates me. With your, like, you always start, you start it like, it's a shit sandwich. There's a compliment at the beginning, some fucking condescending compliment, then two pages of shit, then, hey, buddy, but, you know, keep on keeping on. Yeah. Maddox. And every single email you send me, I want to strangle myself by, as soon as I finish that first sentence, because I'm like, oh, it's all downhill from here. Oh, so it sounds to me like I'm accomplishing my goal.

Okay, wait, wait, wait. So I brought in some stupid games to prove my point. Okay. That you cannot, that texting is totally worthless when it comes to communicating. Because you cannot tell if you're dealing with a complete psychopath or a normal person. Okay. Because you are reading yourself in the words. That's what I'm saying.

That's my point. All right? Dick, I will argue this to my grave because a good writer, you know, when you take a writing class and your professor says, you should write in your voice and you should learn what that voice is. A commenter sent me an email a long time ago, and he said, what makes a good voice is when you read it, you read it in that other person's voice and not your internal voice. So if you're able to communicate in a good voice, you're able to get your message across and transcend the person's internal voice.

It's great for a best-selling author, all right? You want to crank out the books? I love reading them in your voice. Great. I like talking in your voice after I'm done reading them. For fucking texting people to meet and talk, worthless. Let's hear it. Okay, I got a quote. I'm going to read it. And I want you to guess, I'll give you some people who might have said it. You tell me who said it. All right? Here it is. Maybe I haven't done enough. I might be ashamed of that for not doing enough, for not giving enough, for not being more perceptive, for not being aware enough, for not understanding, for being stupid. Okay? Which, now, who do you think said that? Let's go with, uh, Obama,

uh, Steve Jobs, or, uh, Jesus. Obama, yeah, Steve Jobs.

Pretty inspiring quote, right? No, that's, first of all, when I heard that quote, I thought immediately pussy. Whoever wrote that is a huge pussy, and it sounds like a breakup text.

Okay, wait, wait, uh, changed the last one to, I don't know. That's not the point. What I guess,

guess, guess, yeah, okay. So whoever sent that sounds like, huge pussy and is groveling to a chick. But if it's, if Obama and Steve Jobs are in the mix,

then I'm thinking it's got to be, well, Obama, Obama usually doesn't come out with these weepy apologies. And maybe he does. No, not like that. I've never heard that. Okay. That's really bad. That's really bad.

And if it's Obama, I'll eat my words. So you think it's somebody who's like really weepy and a pussy and is like, is what, really like tender person? Yeah. Like who? Like, uh, well, I'm just thinking of people I know in real life, but as for like, oh, Sean Penn. There you go, Sean Penn.

Okay, Sean Penn. So like a humanitarian, but also like an actor and kind of like a real soulful guy, right? Yeah, very liberal. Okay, I want you to play mystery quote, that sound clip I gave you. This is who actually said it. Maybe I haven't done enough. I might be ashamed of that for not doing enough. Charles Manson.

For not giving enough. Oh, wow. Keep going. For not being more perceptive, for not being aware enough, for not understanding for be stupid. Here's where it gets good. Maybe I should have killed 400 people. Then I would have felt better. Yeah. So, enjoy your text.

When you get a text, you can tell immediately that that guy's crazy, right? When that voice hits your ears, you know immediately that he's a psychopath. Yeah, well, no, actually, I thought it was Willie Nelson when I first started playing the clip. I'm like, wow. Yeah, well, it's Charles Manson. Yeah, well. You know what, though? Had you dropped off the end, though.

If you played, if I heard that first start of the part, you didn't tell only it was Charles Manson. I would have guessed Willie Nelson. Well, he's not going to text that part. He's just going to text the first part. Because it's going to get cut off by the character limit. Yes, he's going to tweet only that much. I got more, okay.

That's a great quote. So you guess which one is the Charles Manson quote. Okay. We can stop doing this whenever you want. Sean, you guess too. Okay, here. I'm going to, I get three quotes about pain. Yeah.

Turn your wounds into wisdom. That's one. Pain's not bad. It's good. It teaches you things. And one word Freees Us All The Weight and Pain of Life

That word is love Which one do you think is the Charles Manson quote? Oh boy So pain wounds us What was the first one? Turn your wounds into wisdom Turn your wounds into wisdom Second one's pain's not bad

It's good It teaches you things And the third one is One word frees all of us The Weight and Pain of Life That word is love Sean what do you think You think you got Manson dialed in

I'll go with the last one just because he mentions love and that would be counterintuitive. Yeah, that's the misdirect. That's true. That's true. That's the misdirect. Yeah. So that's the word in this text that tells you this guy's crazy, right? Yeah.

That word? Yeah. Yeah, that was Sophocles. Okay. Greek philosopher. You know, a brilliant man of antiquity. Right. Charles Manson was the, oh, no, I'm sorry.

Oprah was the first one. Turn your wounds into wisdom. To wisdom. I was going to guess the second one after, yeah. Manson was, pain's not bad. It's good. It teaches you things. That's true, though.

I agree with that. Absolutely agree with that. Yes, but you couldn't pick the crazy psychopath just based on the words. Yeah, but Dick, if you get a text from somebody, you have a history with them and you have some context. Unless you met somebody in a bar and that's the first fucking text they sent you, then yes, they're psychotic. But even then, you know that you just met them. And if they're sending you crazy texts like, hey, pain isn't bad, it's good, it teaches you things. That's a red fucking flag.

Okay. What if they're texting you something like this? Okay. Dogs never bite me. Just humans. animals shouldn't be hunted and nature shouldn't be disturbed to benefit the whims of mankind.

And the third one. I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They say it's because it's such a beautiful animal. Which one is the Charles Manson quote, you guys? You're so great at texting each other all the time and calling is such a pain in the ass. Surely you'd be able to find the psychopath in these words. Yeah, all right, Dick.

Let me tell you which one Charles Manson is based on my texting history with him. I'm going to guess the one where humans hurt me and animals don't. Is that one of the quotes? The first one? Dogs never bite me, just humans. Just humans. I'm going to say the first one.

Maddox says the first one. Sean, what do you think? What's the second one again? Second one is animals shouldn't be hunted and nature shouldn't be disturbed, even destroyed, to benefit the whims of mankind. No, I'll go with that one. Sean, that's the Manson quote. Good for you.

The first one, yours, Maddox? That was Marilyn Monroe. She's a psycho. Well, based on the number of psychotic women who quote her in their profiles. You know her famous quote, right? They say, if you don't treat, if you don't like me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best. Yeah, I hate that. Every psycho chick I've ever dated, everyone I've ever gone out with on a date, whatever, has had that as her profile.

So you know what? Let's not discount her as being psychotic either. You want to do one more? Yeah, I got one over. All right, one more. This one's about being crazy. Okay. A question that sometimes drives me hazy.

Am I or are the others crazy? It's number one. Okay. It's got kind of a little rhyme scheme to it. Yeah, and it's a little crazy. A long time ago, being crazy meant something. Nowadays, everybody's crazy. That's number two.

Number three, being crazy isn't enough. What do you think? What do you think, boys? Which one do you want to answer a phone call from? Again, well, no one. If any of my crazy-ass friends sent me this, I wouldn't be friends with them. Yeah. You know, I would have a long time ago unfriended Charles Manson

if he was writing crazy shit like this on Facebook. You would never know, though, because you just text with him all the time, and you've not guessed a single Manson quote. I wouldn't have not been able to identify the psycho. No, you said, I got the last one. No, that was Sean. You got the Marilyn Monroe quote last time, Dick Brain. Oh, yeah.

And then I convinced myself that she was like, uh, he's like, gosh. What do you think, Sean? Which one? I'm going the third one because it implies that he wants. motivation. Being crazy isn't enough. Sean, you think that's Manson. What was the first quote? The first quote was, a question that sometimes drives me hazy. Am I or are the others crazy? It's got to be that one because he's actually looking at the rationale of what he's doing. Right. Okay. So, let's see. Maddox is texting the guy that you think is crazy. Yeah. Sean, that's Dr. Seuss, beloved children's author. Being crazy isn't enough. Maddox,

you've selected Einstein. Oh, great. Yeah, Manson. was actually the middle one. A long time ago, being crazy meant something nowadays. Everybody's crazy. Well, I'm glad that Einstein had so much self-doubt. Yeah. Look, that's my game. That's my point. You can't tell who's crazy or not just by texting them. You got to call them on the phone. You got problems with your life. Call people on the fucking phone. Another classic non-problem by dick. But speaking of problems, let's move on to my last. This is a really important one. So I brought in two heavy topics this time. Beats by Dre.

Okay. It's my second problem this week. So, you know, for those who don't know, beats by Dre are those giant headphones that everybody seems to be walking around with these days. Yeah. Those are the white ones with the red bee on the side. Yeah, they look cool.

Oh, great, Dick. You're part of the problem. So those things, first of all, are giant thief magnets. Have you heard of it? Like, crime has gone up because of these stupid headphones because they cost $400. Crime has gone up because of the headphones?

Yeah. Listen, this is a report from Shepardt's. Chicago, listen to this. A far more brutal incident in Chicago left Charles hospitalized after his beats by Dre headphones were snatched from his head last Saturday afternoon. He was left unconscious, beaten and bruised with a black eye. I am going to be afraid for anybody that I see out on the streets with their, their flashy headphones. So that guy got his headphones stolen? He got his headphones stolen and his ass beat. And then he, went on in the, this actually pisses me off and it may be a problem at some point that I bring in,

but then he went on and said, well, I had three guardian angels come save me afterwards. They came in and helped referencing these guardian angels like, yeah, thanks to my guardian angels, I'm here today. I'm like, hey, dickhead, they're not guardian angels because if they were, they wouldn't have let your fucking headphones gotten stolen and you gotten your ass beat. Yeah. Guardian angels save you before the shit happens. So anyway. Well, you'd like to hope so anyway. So you'd like to hope so. So here's the problem with the, with the beats actually. These are giant fucking headphones and they have noise cancellation and they're a distraction. Listen to this. This is from the same news report. There also is advice not to wear headphones because you can't hear if someone is

coming up to you. You're not really aware of your surroundings without your audio. Exactly. And that's what Chicago police say not to wear them while you're walking on the street. It can be distracting and that's exactly what happened in this case. That's the that's the news tip. Yeah, that's from wear beats so you can hear people coming up to rob you. Yeah. What are you going to do, run? That's My Fox Chicago. Yeah. Yeah, they're saying, so this is actually from Gocker. So Gawker has an article.

It says how to get your beats not stolen. They have an article. They say, if you pay hundreds of dollars for your headphones, make sure they don't have an easily identifiable markings on the outside that would alert thieves to that fact. So they're saying buy your expensive ass beats and then cover up the markings on the side. Is this really a problem? This is one of the tips. Are people getting their beats stolen all around the world?

Yeah, all the time. And then here's the other tip. Be aware of your surroundings at all times. Don't wear headphones. This is actually from Gawker. They're saying that those expensive headphones that you spent a fortune on, $400, don't wear them. But that's the entire purpose of beats. Their second biggest selling point on their website is put the world on hold.

So I have another clip of actually. This is a guy on the New York subway and he got his beat stolen. Now, first of all, I'm just going to come out and say, I am glad this guy got his beat stolen because he's one of the obnoxious. obnoxious pricks who's sitting there with these giant cans on his head singing as loud as he can annoying other passengers listen to this here's the clip someone standing up right now he's crazy ass niggum man whoa my beats someone standing right next to him had enough maybe he didn't even want to steal them he just wanted him to shut the fuck up and he took

his beats so sounds like a self-correcting problem though Like you hate the beats because they're annoying, but all these annoying dickheads are getting their beats stolen. Yeah, guess what? Now you're getting even more annoying dickheads walking around with beats, the people who stole them. You don't want those jackasses walking around. They look cool, though. Have you... You got to admit they look cool.

They look stupid. They're giant. You look like a fucking robot. You're not a DJ dipshit. You're walking along the street. Put your fucking earbuds in and shut the fuck up. Why do you need $400? What kind of sound fidelity do you need walking on the streets of New York or Chicago?

There's traffic running by. There's trains running by. There's people talking. There's cyclists. And by the way, you need to be paying attention to all those people, all those people in traffic. If you have these giant cans on your head, you're not going to hear anything. You're not going to hear shit. You're going to walk into a manhole like a moron.

Yeah, but I'd rather somebody be on beats than be looking at their cell phone. Great, but that's not the problem. That's a false dichotomy. You're not really, that's not the choice here. I don't know what that is. Okay. That's not the choice here. So the beats are actually kind of shitty headphones, too.

according to ZDNet Beats by Dre headphones get dinged for noise cancellation performance 40% and an uneven sound score 25% with overpowering bass. There's a website called FixiaFixia.com and they did a report. It's like a blog that does reviews of these

headphones. They say that with randomly varying highs and lows producing music that doesn't sound cohesive, beats by Dre can be notoriously spotty across all genres of music. They tend to drown out all the mid-tone all the mid-range and the high-end. because they're so bass heavy.

But perhaps even more worrying was that the level of headphone malfunction is 15%. Are you serious? Yeah. 15% of those headphones malfunction You pay 400. It's a really high failure rate.

Yeah. 15% of headphones with no moving parts, by the way, except for maybe the noise cancellation, which require batteries. You know, I did read that all these reviews are like reviewing these headphones based on like all types of genres of music. And the reason they're so successful

is that they've re-revees. produced like a specific genre of music like whatever the techno EDM tween wave stuff, hip hop, yeah with like such heavy bass and they scoop out all the midtones and it's like just a bleep blue bleeps and whatever. That's why

they're so big. That's why the reviews don't make any sense because they're reviewing it across this huge spectrum of music and they're specifically made to listen to like the popular music. Yeah but hip hop has a lot of, there's a lot of interesting hip hop out there with a lot of interesting things going

on in the midrange and they're not they're just drowning all of that out there's according to dray he's the one making the beats yeah well you know what it is this is just nikey in headphones this is you're you're buying air jordan's except to put on your head on your ears and by the way here's what you actually need here's what every beats by dray headphone should come with a neck brace because these fucking headphones weigh a pound do they really almost they weigh 14 ounces which is point eight eight pounds have you listened to them oh a beats by yeah i put it on a demo yeah it sounds fine but All the reviews I've read, the top review on Amazon for the Beatsby Dre headphone, the red one,

says that they sound about as good as $60 Sony's or any of the $60, like Senheiser. You can buy two Senheiser, high-quality headphones for the cost of one beats by-Drey. I'm wearing Senheizers right now. Sinheizers is Sign-heizers. Yeah, but they look so cool, man. They don't. They look stupid. No, they're cool looking.

They're all futurity and they got those circles and like the thing. Like these Seenizers right now that I'm wearing, no one's, I'm not going to get laid with these, with these giant puffy things on the side. It doesn't matter what you wear, you're not going to get laid. Yeah, because I call everybody. Yeah, you call everyone like a sucker. No, but in the future, things don't get bigger in the future. They get smaller and better.

Those don't look futuristic. They look past as shit. I would see someone in the 50s wearing those things and think, oh, what a moron. Look at those giant cans he's wearing. I don't know, man. I really want some beats. They look cool. You dummy.

Go to the UN. There's a website. Go to Google Images and search for the UN. communicator transponder whatever the communicator translator and these giant boxes they look bigger than

the biggest walkie talk you've ever seen and that's what they use to talk into at the UN to translate their discussions in real time that's what these beats look like these giant monstrosities on your head I think you would look cool wearing beats too

I don't know I don't think I'd look cool I didn't use some nice white beats yeah no I don't think so I don't think so man He needs a hoodie, too. Yeah, a hoodie. He's wearing a hoodie? Yeah, dude.

You can pull that off. You guys stop dressing me. All right, stop dressing me with your eyes. So what's your problem with the beats? They're shitty headphones. They're shitty headphones. They weigh a lot and they're distracting. So don't buy them.

I'm not, but all these idiots walking around the streets are bumping into people and increasing crime. Increasing crime. This is a shitty reason to hate beats. You're a shitty reason to hate beats. Don't know. There's a god-awful headphones. They look tacky. They're john.

How can you defend these? These look horrible. Because I think they look cool! Well, it looks cool, but they're giant. Because they're so, like, clean, man. Like, they're clean, like, cans on your ears, and then they got that cool thing. They got that cool B. That looks cool. The definition of clean, like, if you look down the ocean,

and you see there's nothing on the horizon, that's a clean skyline. If there's anything jutting out from it, that's not clean. These are giant monstrosities jutting out from the side of your head like a fucking idiot. You're not a robot. Get that shit off there. Stop trying to become a cyborg by putting $400 cans on your head. I mean, that sounds like it looks cool, too.

Daft Punk looks pretty cool. They look like cyborgs. Oh, yeah. I'm sure Daft Punk has a neck brace under there, too. Maybe they're listening to beats during their concerts. That doesn't sound like a big reason to hate beats. They're increasing crime. What else do you got?

Distraction. Deft. Increasing crime. They look awful. And they are hurting people's ears, by the way. All these heavy base. They're hurting people's ears now. I'm really stretching with that one because I don't give a shit.

You know what? Go ahead. Buy your beats. Eat your French fries. I do want your dogs. I would really like a pair of beats, except I found out that they cost $14 to make, and they sell them for like $300, $400, and they cost $14 to make. Yeah, you're supporting this brand, this label, Apple.

No, it's, well, Apple bought them now. Yeah, Apple owns them now. What a great buy, man. Yeah, I guess. I'll tell you why it's a great buy. Oh, no, go ahead. Because it's the same, yeah, I know why. Why?

Why? Why? Why? Why? Who overspend on Apple for the luxury brand are going to overspend for beats for the luxury brand. It's the same sucker market. That's not why I'm telling you that's not why I think it's a great buy. It's a great buy because for $3 billion, Apple has just bought an ad on every fucking primetime karaoke show, every sporting event, like every interview.

Anytime there's beats anywhere, they're all over TV, that's now an Apple ad. I don't know, man. Every fucking celebrity, every shitball celebrity for kids is wearing beats all the time. That's now an Apple ad. That's why they bought it. You could, no, I disagree, because for $3 billion, dick, that's an awful lot of ad space you could buy. You could cover New York entirely with Apple banners, which they already have, you fucking idiots, with your Apple store on Fifth Avenue. That's a different kind of ad.

This ad is like, gets in kids' brains. Like, they're watching Richard Sherman ranting after a game, and what's he doing? He's wearing beats. Is he, I don't know. You can't buy that. Yeah, of course he's cool. All cool people are wearing beats. Why is he wearing beats and ranting after the game?

Because he's Richard Sherman. No, he's wearing them because it's cool to wear them. You know what doesn't look cool? Those stupid headphones they wear in the NFL. I was just thinking those things are giant monstrous monstrous, and that's what these beats look like, those giant headphones in the NFL. What are you talking about? Coach headphones?

Yeah, the coach headphones. They look. Stupid as shit. Exactly, it's equipment. You look like you should work in construction, not walk around listening to hip-hop. Get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out of here with your fucking beats and hoodies and your bullshit. Fuck your stupid headphones.

You know what? You can get better audio fidelity out of 60. Cands, I guarantee it. Well, that was what I was going to say. When I found out that they only cost 14 bucks to make, I tried to find, like, a good quality set of headphones that look that cool, that look as cool as beats do? They don't look cool.

Well, then they look as cool as beats do. Fine. But... So stupid-looking. Yeah, whatever. I found a couple, but I wanted to run it by Sean to see what his audio take on them was. I don't have them on me, but that was just what I was doing in my personal life.

I just wanted to tell you that. Thank you. Thank you for telling me that you went shopping, Dick. You know, when they call slang for headphones in the music industry and in studios is cans. Yeah. And beats actually look like cans. They like horrible. They look like tin cans you're putting up to your ear.

They're so giant. Okay. If you think beats look cool, downvote this shitty problem. If you think that beats are ugly, upvote it. Great. Is that what's going on here? I can't wait for a couple episodes from now when beats tried to take photo copyrights and I'm going to come in.

I was like, I'm right, you idiots. Now, oh, no, beats owns all the photocoprites. You're lining Dr. Dre's pockets. Fuck that. Why? Why don't you mind that? Why isn't that a problem? Because I'm not buying them. When I found out they only cost $14 to make, I was like,

no, no, I can't do that. Well, of course they cost $14 to make. And they have a 15% failure rate. Yeah, that's awful product. That's bad. Why would you support a shitball product like that? Well, once Apple takes it over, they'll probably improve the manufacturing, though.

Okay, seriously, can you remember, look, these beats almost weigh one pound. That's like having four, quarter pounders on your head. Walking around with four hamburgers on your head. Imagine walking around all day with four hamburgers. You look that cool wearing beats. Like a moron. How much is a beer

way? Like with those beer hats? Like a 16 ounce? That's about a pound, yeah. No, but that's fluid ounces. No, yeah, I'm not sure, actually. Probably, probably, I don't know, probably around there. But you're drinking it, so you're not wearing it for more than an hour. It's true. It incentivizes you to drink it faster. Right. Whereas beats incentivize

people to steal them, I guess. Because $400. Yeah, that's pretty funny. I do like that that guy got his beats stolen. That's because of beats. That exists. That's pretty funny. What, that clip?

Yeah. Well, I would rather idiots not be singing on the subway. I don't know why it makes you so angry to beats things. Like, why do you really hate it? I told you, they're shitty headphones. They weigh a lot. They increase crime. They increase theft.

And it's distracting. And you look stupid wearing them. People are getting suckered into buying them. Yes, you're not a DJ. Wear your earbuds and shut the fuck up. And by the way, people are pretending to be DJs who are wearing them. Oh, please. Yeah, they think they're so cool with their beats walking around. And where do you even store those things?

Where the fuck? If you went to meet your friend for coffee, what are you going to haul out your giant fucking one-pound headphones and put them on the table? Oh, excuse me, I'm done listening now. Where are you going to store that shit? You and you're fucking idiots. I'm obsessed with your iPhones and your beats and you walk around with chargers and you always got to, you're tethered to the wall like a slave and your stupid fucking beats. Like just more chains, more shackles that you have around yourself, your neck, your head, a pound you're carrying around like four, quarter pounders. I think you

take the beats off and you wear them like a scarf when you sit down. Like you put them around your neck. That's not a scarf. That's a shackle. Oh. So that's the problem. So this week, what are your two problems? Let's sum it up. I got monkey copyrights. Yeah. And

no one talks on the phone. Can you think of something better than no one talks on the phone anymore? There's a lot of words there. Phoneophobia. What is it? Voice. Phone call phobia. How about that? Manson phone calls. in phone calls. Lack of phone calls. Phones are for creeps.

Phones are for, no, you know what? Lack of phone calls. Yeah, lack of phone calls. Yeah. How about the extinction of phone calls? Phone call extinction. Yeah, the death of phone calls. The death of phone calls.

There we go. Thank you for your assistance. And you got what? I have female genital mutilation and... Jesus Christ. All right. Beats by Dre.

Two big problems. So that's it. Go to the website. The biggest problem in the universe. and vote on these. Yep. Thanks for listening. Thanks guys.