The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 15

Episode Date: April 26, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe. I'm Maddox with me, Stig Masterson. Hey, what's up, buddy? How are we doing? How did we do last week? Great. So last week was our first ever in studio guest, and everybody loved it. It was great. It went over really well. And so the problems. The first problem was yours, Dick. Maddox gets no credit. Yeah. I agree. Yeah, huge problem.

That's a double win. I win that one and you. The only loser in that problem is Leah. Leah. Leah did come in last in this one. So it was followed by wine snobs, and it was actually pretty close. It was followed, and then after that was people who can't read social cues, our very first guest's problem. Yeah, well, better luck next time, I guess. I guess, yeah. I mean, we've been doing this for so long. We're pros. We're pros at problems. She did, no, she did, after the show, she said we're professional angries. Is that what she called us? She said, you guys are professional angers, or something like that.

You're professionally angry, which is funny, because one of my friends said today, literally, she said, I'm a professional asshole, which is later. Yeah, that's better. That's probably what Liam meant. Two times in two days, I love it. So we got some comments. Okay. I have one from Mark Sadler.

So we were talking about wine in the last episode, wine snobs specifically, and he said, this episode, he said, this episode with its overtones of fury and faint notes of calm, made me genuinely fear for the well-being of the participants. And then he said, this isn't a podcast anymore. It's a blood sport. This is two punch-drunk boxers trading blows. That's accurate. Yeah, very well said, Mark.

I like that, actually. Yeah, you know, I always know, or I always think it's a good episode when I'm furious for the entire week after we recorded. And this was one of those weeks. I don't know why that wine thing pisses me off so much. I think it's because this is a classic example of you taking a problem and making it very general, like turning it into something much bigger than it is so it doesn't make any sense. Like what is it when you reduce something to like just the logic of it and not the application of it?

It's like objective something absurdity. I don't know what it's called. Look, this is the point. If you go to a restaurant and get an $8 glass of wine, it's going to taste like. grape juice, but the $18 glass of wine will taste a little bit crisper and a little bit smoother because it's made for an $18 pallet.

That's ridiculous. It's not ridiculous. People who order $8 glasses of wine have $8 pallets. I haven't even said anything, and you're just whining yourself up here. You know, I read this article that talked about the cost versus, I guess it was benefit versus return. No, no, cost versus, what is it?

Cost versus return, essentially. wine and he said that he did an experiment where he tried to do a blind taste test with himself and he gave himself like a $13 wine and then $25 wine and all the way up to a $300 wine at a certain point there's going to be very little return on your investment right because you're not going to get that much more value like if you appreciate a $30 stake a lot and then you appreciate a $60 stake even more you would you would think that there's no one-to-one ratio of how much money you spend on steak or wine or whatever and the amount of appreciation you get. So there is an upper limited plateau somewhere. And my guess is that after like $10, $20,

your experience of that wine is going to plateau. I think somebody summed it up in the comments probably more than I ever could. Ross Ellis, I bet Dick likes paying money for things. He gets off on throwing money down. It's some sort of financial fetish thing. Dr. Sigmund fraud signing out. I never thought about that, but I think he might be right. Did he actually write Dr. Sigmund Fraud? Yeah, he did. That's very funny. Dr. Sigmund fraud, and we had Sigmund Futon last episode.

Those are hilarious. Yeah, you do seem to like to waste your money. I don't like when women pay for things either. Well, that's why, when he said that, that's why I thought he might have something there. Like, it's a turnoff when women pay for things. Wait, what? Why? I don't know. Are you kidding me?

Look, now that he says this, I'm thinking, like, maybe it's a thing. Like, I like controlling what they eat a little bit. I like to have paid for it. It is such a fuck-up. It is a turn-off when it checks like pays for food. You know, we've talked about this before. No, that's totally like a control thing. Holy shit, that is so controlling.

I didn't know that. No, I love it. If a girl wants to pay for my meal, it happens so rarely that I get the biggest fucking boner. Sean's not in here. Fucking Sean over here. He doesn't know. If a girl, like, look, if I take a girl out to dinner and she doesn't even offer to buy drinks or coffee afterwards, I never call her back.

That's it. You had your chance. You blew it. And sometimes the text to be packed. Hey, what's going on? We had a great time. They're like, yeah, well, you didn't pay for shit, so goodbye. Like, because you know what that is?

That's the old-fashioned relationship. They're projecting an old-fashioned relationship. Yeah, where you pay money for sex. Yeah, okay. It's perfect. So if that's our role, okay, I am paying for things, and you then, what, provide sex? Sex, right. And then stay home and wash my socks and take care of the kids.

Is that what we're doing here? Is this the old-fashioned? No, of course not, because they're not going to do any of that shit, because they're modern, right? But yet, I'm still supposed to pay for everything? Fuck you. No, you're not getting a second call. You're not getting a second date. You're going to die alone. So, there you go. I'm just an old-fashioned guy, I guess. I'm already sweating. It's like 30 seconds into the episode. I'm already sweating. So, um, this will probably calm you down. After Sean totally busted you on your bullshit study last episode at the very end of the last episode, he totally called you out for using like one study. It was five. I mentioned no fewer than five studies in that episode.

I mean, whatever. We can go back to the tape. Everybody can make up their own mind. I was starting to think, man, maybe, maybe, man. Maybe, maybe, man. Maddox is pulling like goofy studies, right? Okay. So somebody said in the comments, Jory Folker, probably pronounced fucker. Yeah, fucker. Silent L. Maddox rules, you gotta be kidding me. Excellent article.

Apparently you said something was an excellent article. The study collected only seven days of data from 30 people, and they were all college students. On top of that, the data collected, didn't include any questionnaire from the students on why they think they lie more over one medium than the other. That was the study you brought in about, texting and lying and lying over the phone.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was a comment, actually. That was a study that somebody linked to, talking about how people are more likely to lie over the phone than over text. But the reasoning, it makes sense. If you can't read someone's facial cues, then of course they're going to lie over the phone, as opposed to text. You can say exactly what you want and mean what you say with text, because you have time to think about it. Well, I don't know, but now I just want you to know that I got my eye on your studies here now. Yeah, I got you, why don't you put your eye on my red eye?

I got one more comment. Do you have any? Yeah, I got one more. All right. Okay, so this guy commented, his name is Kojima Yoshiuki. He says, I think it's funny Dick brought up Raybans, as there is an interesting conversation on Reddit a while ago that shows the $5 knockoff raybans are comparable to the real thing. So I checked it out, and these look identical to the original Raybans,

and they function identically. They look identical, and they cost $5. You know why? Because all Rayban and Oakley and all these companies do is they just mark up for the brand name. They invent value for that brand. And then they make all the same sunglasses in the same factory. There's one company. No, that's not true.

One company alone makes 80% of sunglasses in the world. Like 80% comes from one company. Okay. That's possibly true. But they do not come out of the same factory. If you look at a pair of expensive rayback... Now, I'm not saying that the price difference is worth... it, but I'm just saying I will pay

the exorbitant fee for a pair of sunglasses that are slightly better than the cheap plastic pieces of shit that may appear the same to somebody who doesn't like looking as cool as I do. But they're not. They got weird, they fall apart, the screws fall out, the plastic

is made out of shit. Oh, what a mark. What a sucker. What a sap. You know what you are? It's only a hundred bucks. You're tricked Masterson. That's what you are. Shit, that's not stick. Yep. My last comment. This is from

Tom McKenzie. This is exactly what I'd expect a 90s-era Seinfeld and Costanza podcast to sound like. Thank you. I think it's a compliment. I guess. I mean, Seinfeld is probably the greatest sitcom of all time.

Yeah, it also depends which one of us he thinks is Seinfeld and which one he thinks is Costanza. Oh, I got to be Cassanza. I'll take that. Right? All right. So let's move on. You have your first problem?

Yep. This week. My first problem is Facebook satire tags. Oh, so what is that? What do you mean by satire tags? So Facebook decided to do this thing where they would mark satirical articles posted in people's feeds as satire.

Right, I have been seeing this and it's pissing me off. Yeah, me too. Why do you think that's a problem? So, here's the problem to me. Basically in the world, dumbness wins. Everything is dumbed down. and people who don't like things being dumb get screwed over. The satire in and of itself,

like tricking people into getting pissed off at satirical news articles, is like one of our only weapons against rampant dumbness. Yeah. Like satire is the adult version of putting someone in timeout. When somebody on Facebook overreacts to a satirical article, like from The Onion or something, Like when they treat an onion article as like a real thing,

and they go on a huge screed about it, and everyone's like, hey, idiot. Yeah, you're like that, whatever that abortion was a long time ago, like a $2 billion abortion. They made like an abortion mega mall where you could go. Yeah. There was a center, like they had a daycare center, and, you know, while you could get your abortion.

Hot dogs on a stick, that sort of thing. So when you get pissed off about that and everybody calls you out on it, you have to go and time out. Yeah. You have to go think about what you did. You have to take a moment to say, you know what? Maybe I am a fucking idiot. Yeah.

Maybe I need to think about, maybe I'm a lot smarter than I am. And it's not going to last, because I don't think that these people are learning anything from it, but at least they're going to shut up for like a week and a half. While that, like, every time they go post on Facebook again, they're going to think about the shame they felt when they overreacted to the abortion megaplex. So this is the Dunning Kruger effect in action. You know exactly, you know what that is, right? No, I don't know what that is.

So the Dunning Kruger effect, these are a couple of researchers. It's a cognitive bias. I'm reading this directly from Wikipedia. It's cognitive bias manifesting in unskilled individuals suffering from illusory superiority, mistakenly rating their ability much higher than is accurate. This bias is attributed to the metacognitive inability of the unskilled to recognize their ineptitude. So if you're just... So what is this?

So generally, people who are really unskilled or inept think that they will perform better than they actually do. Yes. And it works in the opposite way. People who are really skilled and talented think they rate themselves less than they actually are, lower than they actually are. Okay, yeah, I buy that. Yeah, so this is the Dunning Kruger effect in action where people think that they're really smart and they figured it all out because they saw this thing on the onion or the Daily Current, which, by the way, the Daily Current is one of my new favorite satire sites. Not necessarily because they're doing great work. Sometimes they do, but sometimes it's shit.

But occasionally one of those articles get through and somebody writes a screed. Post is like, this is outrageous. Can you believe Obama said this or Biden did this or whatever? And I love it. I sit there and laugh. And we win. Yeah. And all the smart people, it's one of our last joys, Facebook. Leave this alone. Let us just sit here and laugh at these idiots. Let us just sit there and read these comments of these people getting worked up. Let us enjoy their suffering. Can we just do that? Can we just have buffoons? Public buffoons? What happened to public buffoons? No, well, we don't have any now. Not anymore because everything's label. Satter, which, by the way, let's define, because I don't think everyone knows what satire is. This is something that actually people think they know because they say, oh, it's such satire and they just brush everything off. Satire... Yeah, it's something when something might be racist, you just tell people that it's satire

so you can get away with saying it, right? That's the definition of satire. Well, that's why a lot of people use it, unfortunately. But, no, satire is pointing out someone's folly by using sarcasm or something that's intentionally not true or absurd. So using the absurd to point out someone or something's folly. Like, for example, who is the original satirist? Robin Swift, right?

I don't know. He's the writer. Yeah, he's the guy who, a long time ago in England, he wrote this paper about how to solve the problem of poverty and hunger and homelessness. He said, we should eat the poor. Yeah, okay. Yeah, we should eat the poor. Great satire.

Brilliant, especially at the time because it was so uncommon and people were outreational. and up in arms, and he's like, hey, idiots, obviously this isn't the solution, but at least it's pointing out the problem and how absurd the other solutions look in comparison. Because the fact that people, the more believable your satire is, the better it is. Yeah, the more impactful it is.

So let's throw, let's build Facebook a time machine so they can go back to the, what did you say this guy's name was? Swift. So they can go back to Swift's book publishing and stamp a big old satire sticker on the front. You know what happened? No one would have ever heard of this book.

Right. Because it doesn't work if you know that it's satire. Yeah, if you're in on the joke, it doesn't work. The whole reason it works is because people get outraged about it. It's Jonathan Swift is his name. And even me, dude, like I, this week, I read a, it was a new initiative that Facebook was going to do by cooperating with law enforcement. They were going to start, like, turning over any text or posts about drugs to law enforcement.

Yeah. And my first reaction was to get pissed off. But then I found out that it was satire, and I was like, wow, first of all, thank God that I don't post on Facebook because I would have looked like a real jerk. And secondly, maybe I got to chill out about drug shit, right? Maybe I should just relax a little bit. That's the purpose of satire. Yeah. So I just realized, too, that this is the same Jonathan Swift who wrote Gulliver's Travels.

He's the same guy. He's a classic writer, and he was also a satirist. So, yeah, when you point satire out in such an obvious way, also it raises the question of who's deciding whether or not this is satire? How can they be sure what their labeling is satire is actually satire? Well, so they said the statement they gave was we received feedback that people wanted a clearer way to distinguish satirical articles from others in their news feeds. Well, what is that?

So these same idiots, whoever these, the feedback, whoever's, generating the feedback are the same dummies that can't spot satirical articles from real ones, right? They're deciding. Well, let's step back a second. Let's think about why they would want these articles labeled satire. Why do you think that is? I think it frightens them. Yeah, I think it frightens them that they might read something that isn't true. I don't think people like being duped. They don't like, I think they don't like looking like idiots. They don't like looking like idiots. That's definitely true. You hit the nail on the head, Sean. That's what it is. So these are dummies trying to buy insurance. They're trying to insure themselves so they don't

look dumb. They want to cover their ignorance. They want to make sure that they never look dumb pointing out a satirical article as fact. That's what this is. I'll tell you the other thing. It's insulting to content creators. Like if your post, what was it, the iPhone, it sucks and so does your face. The iPhone's a piece of shit and so's your face. That was my article. So that's hilarious. I love seeing it on Facebook, but imagine it with a gigantic satire tag in front of it. Well, that would be offensive because it's wrong. It's not satire. It's just truth. It could be qualified as satire.

Yeah. Like everything on your site could be qualified as satire. And as soon as you see that, you write it off. You're like, oh, whatever, satire. Yeah, it's a way to dismiss good writing. It's a way, yeah, if John, like you mentioned, if Jonathan Swift's piece, modest proposal was dismissed immediately a satire with a label on it, no one would have remembered it.

It would have just been something that people brush aside, oh, this guy's just trying to get a rise out of me. No, we're not. It's a very clever and powerful rhetorical device that people use to point out a flaw in something. Yeah, that's why I think it's a big problem, because it's the only thing we've got. Like, they say the pen is mighty or the sword or whatever.

They're taking it away. Facebook is taking the pen away. Thanks, Facebook. It's like, you know what I went on Dr. Phil, and that fat lady stood up and was lipping off to me, When they had, like, they marched all the guests when I was on Dr. Phil. Right. Yeah, let's explain for people.

Yeah, yeah. So, after I wrote men and brother than women, I went on Dr. Phil so Dr. Phil could fix me and a bunch of other lunatics. Right. So, so Dr. Phil marches everybody up on stage. And I'm standing there in my aviators with my awesome mustache, my expensive aviators, by the way, not knockoffs. And Dr. Phil goes around the audience whipping them up into a frenzy of hate, right? Right. So he goes to the first woman.

She stands up and locks in on me. immediately and says, you'd never get a girl, this, that, and the other, uh, no woman would ever date you. And I said, women line up to date like me. They're, they all, they are always on this show. They always come on here dating guys exactly like me. And she said, I'd be at the end of that line. And I said, if you hit the treadmill a little more often, you'd be at the front, right? Right. Right. Which was, which is great. Which I think, like, I really think this did damage to the Dr. Phil brand and the people watching this show. Like, I think that. they felt bad.

That might be a ego mona... That might be a little egotistical of me but I think I actually scored a win for us in doing that. Like, look, you fuckers, you're not that fucking funny. You think you're going to stand up and just shout down at people?

Like, use these childish insults. Well, they don't like it when that mirror is turned back on themselves. Exactly. And if he would have said, hey, this is a satire thing that this guy's doing, she wouldn't have cared. I don't think he knew, though. Did he? Of course not. You know the lengths that I I had to go to to get on that show.

Yeah. Like hours of psychological evaluations and interviews after interviews with production people. It was crazy. Which shows the depths of your neuroses. All right, well, that's my problem. Great problem. Facebook has been fucking with us forever. They did that other inbox.

Oh, the other inbox pissed me off. I want everyone to do this right now. Well, after you listen to the show, go home, check your Facebook page, your Facebook inbox, and then go to other. There's all these messages from people who are trying to get a hold of you, old friends. They say, hey, I want to add you, but I'm trying to send you a message or get a hold of you, send you something important, but I can't because it's locked in your fucking bullshit other inbox that you have to pay a dollar to access for other people.

It's bullshit. Yeah. So anyway. So you're going to have about three of those and about 1,000 messages from guys who want to bang you. Basically. And that goes for men and women. I do. Maybe we should add this too.

Maybe Facebook should just add a joke tag when people post jokes so they can explain it that it's a joke. Hey, Facebook, thank you for explaining that this. is a joke and it's not to be taken seriously. What other tags could they add? You know, I'll tell you what they can do. They can stop people from doing that you'll never believe what happens next. Oh my God, yes. That's very annoying.

Yeah. Or anything, any title that ends in this. Oh, we went to the state fair and we witnessed racism except for this. Or except because this kid used this. And what is this? This thing, that's the clickbait. So just replace that word with the thing that's in the video that no one will have to click and we don't give a shit.

We have to watch a tent. There's this video. PetFlo is the new Upworthy. Have you seen this? PetFlo? It's a new... I don't even know where it came from. This fucking PetFlo website is just...

I don't know what Upworthy is. What is this? Oh man, you don't know what Upworthy is. No. Upworthy is just this really far left liberal agenda website that they post causes, nonstop causes, videos to people who help homeless people

or raise awareness for body positivity issues or, you know, know, all sorts of different agendas that they have. So, upworthy, and basically they don't create any content. They just find videos on YouTube, do A-B testing on their homepage, and then use a headline that works that gets people clicking, and then they just generate revenue from that. All right. So they're not producing any content.

They're just a rapper for YouTube. Sure. So anyway, there's another one that popped up out of fucking nowhere called Petflow, and they just post links to also causes, but also pet videos. And there's one that said this guy covered his pool and he recorded his two dogs secretly doing this. And I watched the video because I thought, oh, God, let's see. What this amazing thing is that their dogs do when his pool's covered.

Guess what it is? Nothing. They just run around. Who gives a shit? They're just dogs. Of course they run around. Yep. It's frustrating.

Stupid. All right. What's your problem? My first problem this week is emoji. Emogies? Or icons. I think emoji and icons are a huge problem. Okay.

So do you know what emojis are? What is an emoji? I know Sean doesn't know. Sean, okay, so for... Is that true? For the benefit, for the benefit of people who don't know. So this is from Wikipedia. It says, originally meaning pictograph. The word emoji literally means picture plus character.

So E is for picture and emoji is for character. These are just little graphical icons that you send along with your text messages to people, like birthday cakes and bowling pins and guns and things like that. Oh, yeah. Okay. I didn't know what you call them. Okay, yeah, they're called emoji. And then they came from emoticons.

Emotocons have always existed. Yeah. Smiley faces and things like that. So, yeah, these emoji are becoming so ubiquitous now that I use a key. Why are you smiling? Because I love them. Go, go, go. I'm already smiling because I already know why I love them too.

I know why you love them because you're a 13-year-old girl. That's why. Ooh, that hits a little closer to home than you realize. But keep going. I'll get into why. Yeah, well. I'll tell you why I like him in a minute. Okay.

So, first of all, I'll tell you why it's a problem. Okay. So emoji is essentially replacing words with little characters, little pictographs, right? And Microsoft has been moving towards this trend of using icons and little pictographs for years. In Microsoft Word, I still use Microsoft Word 2000, rather than updating to 2003, 2007, 2010, etc. I never upgraded because they changed their icons at the top to the ribbon system. It used to be this beautiful drop-down menu of file, save, options, format, etc. You knew exactly what you wanted because it was an alphabetical order.

You know why the Chinese don't have phone books? And this is true. Do you know that in China they don't have phone books? I don't know. Yeah. Think about it because they don't have an alphabetized dictionary. They don't have an alphabetized character set. Yeah.

Okay. So they line anything up? Like the more squigglyer, the more the lineup is? Is that their version of alphabetical order? Actually, you're pretty close. Yeah, they kind of have an order. That was satire, by the way. It sounds vaguely racist, so I will say it's satire.

Oh, there you go. So you're saved. No, that's kind of how they do it. They kind of organize it in complexity, in terms of complexity of the character. However, that's not an exact system. People have to, they don't have phone books. In China, a lot of people for a long time would carry these little black books of names and addresses of people that they knew and they would write them down personally in there.

Because if you don't have a character set that's ordered, then you can't find anything. It's fucking nonsense. And what are we doing? We are regressing as a culture back to hieroglyphics. These are hieroglyphs we're using. Yeah, all right. So now instead of just hitting file save,

I have to hunt for this little square icon. Yeah, little floppy disk, which anyone born after, yeah, born after like 96 means nothing to them. They're just looking for the square with another tiny little square. They don't know what the fuck that is. No, did you see this kid who defined 11 as pause?

Oh my gosh. Did you see that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because he's raised on these hieroglyphs. His parents were doing counting with him and he saw 11 and he said, pause. Pause. Oh, wow. So that's what's happening because we're regressing the hieroglyphs. Now, here's where it becomes a really big problem.

Well, wait a minute. Let me jump in for one second here. You said we're replacing words with pictures, right? Right. I mean, literally saying a picture is worth a thousand words. What do you think about that? What do you think a smiley face says? A thousand?

and what do you think that says? It could mean anything in the context of a conversation. Okay, Dick, your stupid idiom doesn't change the fact that we are regressing our language. When I use Swiftkey, I use Swift Key on Android. I don't know if anyone else uses Swift Key out there. Well, I'm sure they do. There's millions of people.

Anyway, Swiftkey is this prediction, this text prediction software that figures out very smartly what you're going to say next. And now they've introduced emoji as a prediction. So if I type the word food, it just pops up to this little basket of food, I guess, or it looks like a pie or something.

Or if I type in joy, it literally shows a little picture of somebody jumping. If I type that into somebody, how are they going to interpret that as joy? It's going to see, they might think I'm jumping or skipping or just somebody who just got kicked in the back. If someone's up in the air with their arms raised,

you might be, might get, right. And that's usually what I mean. If I use that emoji, first of all, it's by accident. The joy emoji? The joy emoji. It's by accident, and second, it's because someone got kicked in the back. Don't you find them, like, hot, though, when chicks use them?

Or is that just me? That's just... When I get an emoji from a chick, man, I start. My motor starts going. Gross. First of all, how old are these chicks? Are... I mean, not our age, but legal.

Okay. Not gross. Well, as they get younger, they use more emojis. I'll give you that. But it's still hot. If you see these chicks on Tinder, sometimes, they don't explain anything about themselves. They just list a whole bunch of emoji,

like a little bowling ball, a horse, a birthday cake, a little traffic cone. What the fuck does a traffic cone mean? Danger. Danger curves ahead. That's what it means. Or it means pot holes ahead.

Get out of here. You don't think it's hot when chicks do that. No, why is it on? Why is it hot? Why is it turn you on, gross ass? I don't know. I think you might be right with that 13-year-old girl thing, though.

That's why I started laughing when you said it. Yeah, here's your average date. Oh, wow. No, man, I think, I think women can communicate with them very effectively, with emojis. First of all, nobody has the same fucking character set. Everyone who has an iPhone sends me a shit ton of emojis. I have no fucking idea what they're saying. I have no fucking idea what they're doing because it just comes across,

if I don't have your character set installed, it just comes across as squares. And vice versa, if you send Android emojis that aren't installed on the other person's cell phone or their provider, then it's just going to come across the squares. Are you feeling left out? Is that what the problem is? All of us iPhone people are sending little cute text to each other with pictures and they're all coming across and squares to you?

Fuck you iPhone people. I am so fucking tired of getting group texts that never end. I can't unsubscribe. I can't mute the conversation. I can't tell everyone to fuck off and drop dead because God forbid, I get one fucking wedding invitation or announcement or something via group text and every

dumb-ass iPhone users reply all because they don't know how to fucking just reply to one person at a time? You fucking idiot? Why would I care about what some stranger? Oh, I get all these strange numbers in my cell phone. You know what I'm going to start doing? I'm going to start adding them to tell marketing lists. You know what?

Root text? Go ahead, dickhead. All right. But back to emojis. Yeah. I really, I do think that you can convey a lot of context with a couple pictures. Not from a guy.

Like, I would never send one unless I was being, like, funny about it. But when I get them, explain a lot to me like I get what you're you throw like a little piece of poop on the end that little poop guy with the eyes and I'm like all right you're just dicking around I get it now I get what you're not taking what you're saying too seriously

or the chicks throw in that that dancing girl like that Olegs? No it's like this girl she's in a red dress she's got her like hand up yeah she's doing like a twirl it's like a flamenco dancer how can you hate them you don't know that's the one they use all the time flamenco dancer okay flamenco dancing chick chick I guess

Yeah, that means it for a good time. So in order for you to understand the context of that, you have to understand Spanish culture, you have to understand flamenco. It's a chick dancing. Is it? Yes, it is a chick dancing. What if she's just trying to reach up for a light bulb?

You don't know. So my ex would use her emojis to send, like, the most depraved sexual messages to me. Yeah. Like in hieroglyphic form? I don't know if that's biasing me. Yeah, it is. But, man.

I have been a fan of emojis. Man, she would use, they got all kinds of hand stuff on there. Yeah. She would, like, I want to see you tonight. She'd throw me that purple eggplant emoji. What is the purple? Oh, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, gross. Do you know what they're saying? Yeah, I know. Do you need, like, an emoji interpreter? Nah, I mean, I know what they're saying. You know what? The only emoji that I read loud and clear is usually if it's like, kissy lips plus a squirty mouth.

Like, I see that. I see his lips and squirty. I'm like, oh, cool. Yeah. It's time for a beach. or maybe they just accidentally hit the wrong fucking emoji and I go over there with my dick hard and I get the cops called on me. No, no, it's not wrong.

Women take their emojis very seriously. Oh, yeah. Oh, as seriously as you can take stupid 13-year-old emojis. So what do you want them to say then? I want him to fuck off, okay? Don't send me a text. Just use your words. Use your words.

Is that what you say? You talk to them like a child? Honey, use your words. For thousands of years, people have been communicating with words. And now we're progressing back to the fucking Egyptian times with hieroglyphs. I can't interpret. anything anymore. If I want to just type in baseball, it comes up with a little baseball icon, which, by the way, you're not sure if it's going to come out clearly on the other side.

People might have emojis mapped differently. So you send them a baseball, they get scissors, and they get all confused, and they come over and want to have tributism, scissoring sex on your... Jesus. Yeah, that shit pisses me off, and it should piss everyone off. It's regressing our language. Back to ancient times. But it's fun. You know what? Oh, okay, Dick. Thank you for that brilliant counterpoint. But it's fun. It's fun.

Yeah. You know what else is fun? Roller coasters. Why don't you go to a roller coaster every time you want to send in a movie? Do you hate those as well? No, they're fun. They're not a problem.

I don't have a problem with the roller coasters. I do want to say this. This is a counterpoint to me because I knew you wouldn't bring this in, Dick, but I actually found a counterpoint to myself. And, you know, I can argue both sides of a debate if I have to. Sean. It's so fucking condescending.

I know. I know. Let me do your job, too. With no pause. Nope. Just right into it. Right. Well,

well, I'm going to look for an emoji to sum up how I'm feeling about this right now. Go ahead. Go ahead. I can do both. This is according to The Verge. They wrote this article called

How Emoji Conquered the World. And unfortunately, I have to agree with that title. The shorter, more casual nature of email led to a breakdown in communication. So if somebody says, Wakarimishita,

Wakari ma shita, you don't know whether, so that means in Japanese, I got it. So if somebody says that to you, you don't know whether it's a kind of warm, soft, I understand, or yeah, I get it kind of cool. Or a kind of a cool negative feeling, says Carita, the guy who kind of helped develop these emojis. He says, you don't know what's in the writer's head. So I guess context.

No, well, context. No, that's supporting my argument if you say context, because by context, you do know what's in the writer's head. However, if you're just going to say one quick, simple phrase, like, I got it. If you send a smiley face after that, then people do understand that you mean it in a warm way as opposed to a condescending way. Like, yeah, yeah, I got it. Yeah, that's why when you're fucking with chicks,

you don't, like, give them emoticons when you're trying to, like, screw with their head. You know, to bang them? You don't flash emoticons, so they don't know, like, they don't know how your feelings and their emotions get all, like, manipulated, and they get thrown off balance, right? That's what you're saying.

No, I'm not doing that shit. I'm not doing this emotional jujitsu, this emotionally manipulative jujitsu you're doing. So what do you got? Do you have an emoji? Yeah, I got an emoji for you. Okay, let's see. What does that emoji say? Let's see it from there?

Thumbs down. Yeah, thumbs down. Great. That's what I think of your anti-emotting. Thumbs down. Well, here's an emoji. It's not on my phone. You just have to look at me.

I'm flipping you off. That's my emoji. And that's the only emoji I fucking want. That's the only emoji everyone wants is just flipping people off. I would send that day and night. I would send that 10 times in a row. And depending on how pissed off I am, that's all I would say, repeatedly, all day, every day.

I think you just need to find a girl going to send you dirty emojis, and she'll swing you. She'll turn you. You know, I get it. I get dirty emojis. I get dirty emojis. I get clean emojis. I get stupid emojis. And you know what?

It's just like Snapchat. Snapchat is a sexting app. It's meant for sending quick nudes to people, and nobody uses it for quick nudes. So girls aren't using emoji to send dirty messages. They're just sending emojis to say they're smiling or happy or glitter or stupid bullshit like that. It's always glitter. Well, is that it? That's my problem.

Okay. Here's my problem. Your second problem, this is... My second problem is militarized police. Oh, big problem. Yeah, I actually think... I've been kind of saving this one up because I wanted to be prepared to bring it in,

but then all this Ferguson shit happened and I'm just too wound up about it. I almost brought that in last week, actually, militarized police. So you mentioned a couple episodes kind of briefly, but now you're bringing in it as a full problem. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, because I think it's big enough now.

You want to play that clip of the officer, the Ferguson officer, threatening to kill people with his gigantic assault rifle that he has to control a bunch of unarmed people who are just kind of milling around. And if you haven't seen this video, it's incredible, this guy's just walking around,

brandishing his gun, pointing into people's faces, and then he threatens to kill people. Listen to this clip. My hands are up, bro. My hands are up. Hands up. Guns are pointed. Grades and pointed.

At a good. Hand up. I will fucking kill you. Hands out of you. You're gonna kill him? What's your name, sir? Your name's go fuck yourself, all right, go fuck yourself. Thank you, sir.

Hello, officer, go fuck yourself. This is, this is the training that they get. Great, I mean, great, smart-ass guy. Hey, officer, go fuck yourself. Officer, go fuck yourself. Thank you for helping me. So that's the training that the police get to handle their militarized weapons. Right.

Right. Right. Is to go around antagonizing crowds so they can shoot them. Uh-huh. That's my entire premise. Yeah. You give them guns. You give them guns that belong to the military who operate like a military. Right. You know, you don't just get to fuck around if you're in the military. These are weekend warriors, essentially, with guns out there. These are trash men. They are civic servants. Right. They are barely trained to do what they do. And now we're giving them billions of dollars of surplus military. hardware so they can shoot us up. Yep.

They're just walking around with these humvees that are equipped, they're so reinforced they can survive mines in the battlefield. And these are what they're putting out in urban, suburban America, in little white picket fences, these tanks are rolling down the street. Are you fucking kidding me? Is this Iraq or Syria? Or are we talking about suburbia? I brought in this article from the New York Times about exactly what I'm talking about.

Like these little towns are like 20, 30,000 people. Yeah. And it was split. Some of the police departments were really excited about these surplus dicks that the military was sending. Excuse me, these surplus military weapons that the military was sending them. Right. They would bring it. So this guy, let me find this quote from this guy.

Richland South Carolina, Captain Chris Cowan says they take it to schools and use it as a conversation piece. A conversation starter. What are they taking? Like AR-15? Among other things, a gigantic battle tank from a fucking comic book with a 50 caliber automatic assault rifle on the top of it. Yeah, that's insane.

This isn't a fucking joke. They bring it to kids to show off. That's what they're doing. Yeah. They're not starting a conversation. They're starting a lecture about obey the fucking police or we'll kill you. These are boys with their toys.

And actually, Dick, on that note, did you see the article? This just came out, It was in, I believe, L.A. Times and Washington Post. This is from Washington Post. It says, I'm a cop. If you don't want to get hurt, don't challenge me. Hey, let me ask you something.

Related to that. Have you ever had an encounter with military police? With militarized police? Yes, one time. You remember the Chris Dorner incident in Los Angeles? Yeah. So this was a cop, just to refresh everyone's memory. This was a cop who went rogue because he got kicked off the force.

He lost his job. He lost his family. He lost his marriage. He got divorced because he brought, a corruption suit against the department, and the department dismissed it. Well, among other things, he also, like, beat other guys, other cops up, I read, I think. He also had a number of disciplinary issues with the department before that. But sorry, I don't want to interrupt.

Well, but it's hard to say because it's supposedly, because they kind of tried to muddy his record and paint him bad, just like the cops are doing with this Michael Brown guy in Ferguson. Yeah, but did you read Dorners Manifesto? I did. Okay, so you remember half of the first of the first of? halfway through when he starts talking about The Hangover 2? Yes, the celebrities. At that point, I instantly don't believe anything he says or ever said.

When your manifesto includes a personal letter to the writer of The Hangover 2? Well, Dick, put yourself in the mind of somebody who's about to die. Done. That's all I have. Thank you. No, but if you put yourself in the mind of somebody who's about to die, these are your last words, you know you're going to have a public megaphone. You're going to have a megaphone and a speaker that's going to reach the entire. world. You can say anything to anyone. Look, this guy's not a celebrity. He's never had fame. He's

never had any ability to do that. So he figured, you know, this is his soapbox. He's about to die. So what the fuck does he have to lose? Whatever. I dismiss that. You know, it's a little bit crazy, but I dismissed that. Anyway. Caddyshack, too, I would have respected, even though that was a shitty movie. Fine. Whatever. The point is when Dornor, when there was that manhunt for Dorner, because he was out there actively hunting cops, which was... Well, that's what he said. No, I mean, he did. he shot some cops. He shot at cops. Yeah, sure.

And he shot, I think, the police chief's son-in-law, or no, daughter-in-law and son-in-law, something like that. Yeah, so anyway, when Dornner was out there and all the cops were looking for him, they had a, there was a frenzy. These cops were all over the streets everywhere. I remember just turning down the street to go to my home, and these cops pulled up in a Humvee out, like, within seconds. There were helicopters overhead.

The Humvee cut me off. And this guy came out holding a shot. shotgun with this a band-a-lure of shotgun shells pointed it at me, I stopped, and then hung out for a second. Within 15, 20 seconds, he got a radio call, something like that, and he hopped right back into his Humvee, drove off like nothing ever happened. Yeah, and that's it. Yeah. Yeah, um, I got a, I got a bunch of quotes from that article that all make me sick. Yeah. Uh, here's a guy. Kevin Wilkinson is a police chief of some town that's probably got 50 people in it. I don't like it. He's talking about his new battle tank.

Right. I wish it were the way it was when I was a kid, he said. But we're not going to go out there as officer friendly with no body armor and just a handgun and say good enough. Oh, okay, really. So where do you draw the line? What else do you need? Do you need jet packs? Do you need bazookas?

Do you need satellite coordination? Do you need drones? Where do you draw the line, dickhead? At what point do you say, okay, it's enough. that we care about the officer's safety, let's worry a little bit about the public safety. You know, just a little bit. You've got a lot of people

who are coming out of the military that have the ability and knowledge to build IEDs and defeat law enforcement techniques. Where is this happening? These cops are growing up in action movies. Yeah. Where the fuck is this happening anywhere? That they all need helicopters

and battle tanks and assault rifles to do exactly what we just heard in the clip. Yeah, it's insane. There's a video, too, on YouTube. John Oliver showed it on his show a couple weeks ago, of these kids who see this militarized battle tank, this police battle tank in their street, a park next to them in the intersection.

And they were blown away by the armor of this thing. They were blown away by the size of the wheels of this vehicle. Yeah. And then at the end of the video, you hear something interesting. These kids are like, wow, that's so cool. I can't believe how awesome that is. It's incredible. Then at the very end of the video he goes, wait a second, has shit gotten that bad?

Do we need this? They're just fucking showing off. They're showing off. The same reason there's always cops in their helicopters flying around L.A., showing off. For the same reason, they come out in their fucking horses, all over time square, showing off. What's up, Sean? I was going to say, just to go to Maddox's point, I remember I think 2012 or 2013, violent crime in Los Angeles was at its lowest rate since 1967. Oh, yeah.

So it's like, it doesn't seem like things are that bad. A lot of the stuff from the 80s, you know, when it was bad in downtown L.A., Hollywood. Yeah, like when we had awesome movies like Robocop because you could justify needing something like that. Yeah, but they don't have any reason to have some of this stuff. Crime across the board is actually down. Yeah, New York City, too. New York City everywhere, everywhere. Violent crime is down, all crime is down.

And I actually read this article on The Onion today. It's called the pros and cons of militarizing the police. and one of the pros is that it's a nice surprise treat for veterans to see weapons they used on war pop up in their hometown streets. It's a nice little surprise, right? It is a nice little surprise. Yeah, nice little nostalgia. They can feel nostalgic when they see their tanks back on their hometown streets.

In the last two decades, SWAT team activity has increased by 1,500 percent. Yeah, that's incredible. I read that statistic too when I was blown away. 1,500 percent in how long? What's the period? Two decades. Two decades. Unbelievable.

And has crime gone up proportionately? Of course, fucking not. Do we have a drug war? Of course not. Of course it hasn't because we can't make those awesome movies anymore. That's how you know the crime isn't there. Because the new Teenage Mutanty Turtle movie, it's like, why do we have vigilantes? There's nothing bad happening.

There's pretty much nothing bad happening except a bunch of asshole cops walking around threatening to shoot people. Yeah, and telling them not to challenge them if they do. And this guy who wrote this article, by the way, is an LAPD. cop. He says, don't argue with me. Don't call me names. Don't tell me that I can't stop you. Don't say I'm a racist pig. Don't threaten that you'll sue me and take my badge away. Don't scream at me that you pay my salary and don't even think of aggressively walking towards me. Of all those things that he just said, don't think of doing. The only one that's justified is the last one. Yeah, of course, if you walk aggressively towards a cop, he's justified in defending himself. But the other

shit, hey, why should we trust the police if we've seen time after time after time they do abuse their power. Of course they do. I've seen it. I've seen, I've gone on drive-bys, by the way. I know there are cops listening right now. I've gone on drive-alongs, not drive-bys, drive-alongs. You've been on both. You've got to see both sides. I've got to be fair. Yeah. No, I've gone on drive-alongs with cops and I've seen their side of it and I've seen the shit they have to deal with. And yeah, there's some shit. It's a stressful job. But on the other hand, occasionally, I've also seen buddy cops, right? There's a buddy cop system when cops pull other cops over, they flash their badge accidentally or they see a little decal

or something on the window and they just let him slide. It's corrupt. It's corruption. Every little corruption begets big corruption. If you let little corruption slide, like the cop didn't pay his meter or he's not paying his parking ticket or his parking fee, guess what? That corrupt cop

can then justify doing other corrupt deeds. Look, there's no way to train for what they're being given. The military's trained precisely to use those weapons to kill other people. That's it. The military doesn't use them to go dick around with a bunch of people who live in their own hometown.

Right. There's no way to train cops to use those weapons for any reason that makes sense for the purpose of their job. And these weapons are specifically engineered to be as efficient at killing as possible. That's what they exist for. This isn't something,

they're not going to get any more functionality by brandishing a giant fucking assault rifle in someone's face than they would just their plain old-fashioned six-shooter. No, you know what? So something like this happened to me a couple years ago. I was walking home from Halloween. I was walking home from that big Halloween parade, you know, in Santa Monica?

So there's a big Halloween parade every year in Santa Monica, yeah. It's like the biggest thing we got. There's like hundreds of thousands of people that go there every year, right? I just had a huge fight with my girlfriend at the time. That's part of course. Yeah, absolutely. You were there. I walked halfway home with you.

Yeah. And I was dressed up like a pirate. Of course. I was walking home to Hollywood and somebody had gotten shot in a nightclub. So there was about 10,000 cops rolled out along the streets like the Roman phalanx. Right.

And appropriate response for one shooting. Yes, 10,000 cops. Yeah, right? Yeah. So I walk down to the street where I live and I see a bunch of cops lined up there with their riot gear and all this other shit. The streets are all wide open.

Everybody's milling around. Everybody's leaving for the night. The town's shutting down, right? So I walked down the street and I'm like Oh man Is this is the road really closed And the cock goes turn around And I was like yeah but I live like literally

I can see my apartment Right I mean I live right on this street Because you sometimes they shut down roads And if you live there they let you through Right right He goes You're either going back the other way

Or you're going to your knees Oh great And I was like Okay Like I hesitated a little bit because I was annoyed all night. I was on tilt. You know, I was not making good decisions,

but I was like, you, motherfucker, the first thing I thought was, I think I could get one good shot in on you. Like, I see your baton, I don't see a giant assault rifle, but if you, and, dude, as soon as that thought crossed my mind, he took two steps forward out of the ranks and reached for his fucking baton.

I swear to God, this is true. And I was like, okay, if that's what we're doing, all right, out of nowhere, this cop with like salt and pepper hair just goes, walks kind of a little bit in front of me and he goes, I'm sorry, man, could you just go around? And I'm like, yeah, sure, no problem. Yeah.

Walked away. That's all it takes. That was it. De-escalate. Yeah. De-escalate, dickheads. So I walked like a mile out of the way to go home. Right.

But that was the experience. Very different story. Is this my fault? Yeah, probably. I was just being a jackass. Right. But, yeah, you can de-escalate the situation. And by the way, I've seen this-

You're allowed to be a jackass in America, by the way. Right. It's not illegal to be an asshole. You can be as big of an asshole as you want. So here's the thing. I've seen this exact same thing play out with other people where there has been investigation or something or they're pulling someone over in front of someone's house and they're blocking someone out or blocking someone in.

And by the way, this is usually like, you know, maybe it's just somebody who, you know, they're investigating something nearby and they won't move their cruisers. There's plenty of cops just standing around with their hands on their hiltz, but they're not moving their cruisers, so they're blocking access to your house. And there's a video on YouTube of this lady who is losing her fucking mind because she just went shopping for groceries.

And I think the band was Pearl Jam. They had this impromptu concert on top of the roof of the building that she lives in. And the cops blocked it off. And they didn't have a license for it. They didn't permit it. They didn't do anything that was appropriate. So this lady's just trying to get back into her apartment, and the cops are strong-arming her and say,

no, you can't pass. You can't pass this. She says, my garage is right fucking there. They don't even have a permit for this shit. Let me in my house. The cops wouldn't let her. What if somebody's standing out there and they have to get their medication on time?

People have medicine to take. People have babies to feed. People have dogs to take care of. You're just locking people out arbitrarily because you're being strong-armed, a fucking bully cop, these dickheads? If they just would use their common fucking sense and just not...

be such a fucking machine, a robot, a cog. If you just put yourself in the position of somebody who's just trying to get home and empathize a little bit, none of this would be a problem. See, that's where I think you've hit on the crux of this issue for me. In the military, you're a robot. You should act like a robot. You do exactly what you're told. You handle every situation the same way.

And that's why you get those gigantic weapons. Because you've got a purpose. You follow orders. When you're a cop, I think you should use common sense. and I don't think common sense requires an AR-15. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Well, I don't think everybody...

Yeah, yeah, go ahead. I just want to end on this point, too. I also like this from The Onion. It said one of the pros of having militarized police is that modern law enforcement simply cannot do their job properly by relying on handguns, tasers, and tear gas alone. Let's give them more.

Let's give them grenades. All right. What's your problem? My second problem this week, which I would say is equally important, is Spider-Woman's ass. Okay. This is a big controversy right now.

I don't know if you've seen this, but Marvel is releasing a new, I guess they're rebooting Spider-Woman, and they're releasing a new Spider-Woman-1 issue. And everyone's up in arms again, and by everyone I mean mostly feminist. Because there's a picture of Spider-Woman on the cover, an illustration,

where she's kind of on her knees, sort of, with her butt sticking out in the air. Oh, I've seen that. You've seen the picture? Yeah, I've seen that picture. Yeah. I remember when I saw it, I'm thinking, that's an unflattering angle of a woman's ass.

Right. Well, you can't see anything. It's just the top of her ass. It looks almost like an apple. And, you know, it looks like the uniform that she's wearing, the pants that she's wearing are so tight. It covers, like, it goes down inside the crease of her asshole, right? Yeah.

So I looked into this, and it turns out that the reason it's drawn that way is because Marvel actually hired this guy. His name is, I think it's Milo Manara, or Milo Manara. And he's been, he's a classic erotic illustrator. So this guy, this guy, this guy actually is famous. He's worked in the industry for over four. He has 43 years of experience. He won an award in 1978.

He won in 1998 the Harvey Awards. He was inducted into the Jack Kirby Hall of Fame. In 2004, he won... These are real awards. Sorry, to interrupt. Not like porno awards. No, these are real fucking awards. Because he's a really, he's a classic.

Yeah, he's a real artist. Yeah, he's a real artist. He's a classic Italian illustrator. Like, he's an artist. So he won the Jack Kirby Award in 1998, or was inducted in the Jack Kirby Hall of Fame. In 2004, he won an Eisner Award as part of the best anthology for the Sandman Endless Night series. So this is a guy who has credits. He's done lots of work, and he's done this classic, you know, this classic painting. So this comes from I-09.

There's a website called I-O-9. And this is one of these guys who's just becoming Apple. I'm actually going to create a video about this. I'm so pissed off. He became apoplectic because, so he says, first of all, even the dumbest, horniest teenage boy on the planet knows that there's no fabric on earth that could possibly cling to Jessica Drew's, Jessica Drew's the name of Spider-Roman.

Nerd. Jessica Drew's individual buttocks like that. She looks like she's wearing body paint. And that's a big no-no for an industry still trying to remember that women exist and may perhaps read comics and also don't want to feel completely gross when they do. do so. Jesus Christ, this guy. Hey, listen, Dickhead.

Not only do women exist, but lesbian women exist. And this isn't necessarily offensive to lesbian women, you fuck? You took it in a weird way. What did you think I was doing? Well, I don't know. I thought you're going to be like, it's actual art. Well, it is art. Yeah, but you took it in like, well, lesbians probably like it.

This guy is being heterosexist. He's just viewing the world in a heterosexual point of view, right? It's just for men. Well, guess what, idiot? Women find that erotic, too. Anyone could find that erotic. And by the way, what's wrong with that? I'm seriously asking, what's wrong with that?

No, nothing. By the way, have you seen the cover for The Amazing Spider-Man number one? The-the-guer. The reboot? The guy version or the reboot? The original or the reboot? The Reboot. Yeah, The Amazing Spider-Man number one.

It's Spider-Man sitting Spread Eagle on a web. So they're saying, there's this movement where people are taking comic book characters. They're taking comic book covers and they're saying, well, what if we drew men in the women's poses? and then we drew with women and the men's poses, what would happen then? Yeah, we don't care. Well, okay, but besides that point, besides the point that it doesn't fucking matter, and these are people without problems in their lives. Yeah.

Besides that, if they did that with Spider Woman and put her in the pose of Amazing Spider-Man, number one? Oh, yeah. She'd be spread eagle on the cover of fucking Spider-Man. Very offensive. Oh, yeah, well, supposedly, I don't think it's offensive. I don't think sex is offensive. I don't think there's anything wrong with a woman's ass.

I don't think it's bad to sexualize things because I don't think sex is bad. I don't think sex is demeaning. I don't think sex is degrading. I don't think anything bad related to sex is not true. It's completely conjecture. If you have a problem with sex, then that's your issue. You need to figure your shit out. Yeah, guess what?

It's Spider Woman, and if it's somewhat sexual, who gives a shit? Don't fucking read it if you don't like it. And by the way, here's what pisses me off most of all. This isn't even the main cover. This is a variant cover. This is an alternate. You don't have to fucking buy this issue if you don't want to. Shut the fuck up.

Who do you think this guy's trying to impress? by doing this. This I-09 guy. Oh, his feminist friends. Yeah, you think so? Yeah, that's all it is. He's trying to go for that sensitive angle. I think he's writing this for one person. I don't know who, though. His girlfriend. Who doesn't shave her arms? Or maybe his mom. Somebody. It's a weird stance to take.

Oh, and they're so pissed off. And there's this other website. I think it's Mary Sue, something or other. I don't even want to mention it because I don't want to plug it. But it's, she says this is misogynistic. Misogyny. The hatred of women. She's saying by drawing Spider Woman on the cover in a somewhat erotic pose, which, by the way, it's only erotic in your mind if you make it that way. When I first saw the cover, I'm like, okay, the ass is kind of prominent, but whatever, moving on. Then I read that all these people are construing it as erotic. By the way, nothing is erotic unless you make it erotic in your mind. You can jerk off to anything you want.

If you don't view it as erotic, it's not erotic. End of story. She could be looking for like a contact lens or something. She might be, Sean. Thank you. Yeah, good point. Yeah, Spider Woman has issues too, people. So, do these morons have a problem with, like, naked Renaissance paintings?

Oh, yeah, that's a good question, Dick. I wonder if they do. I wonder if they think that that's misogynistic because the woman might be nude or the guy might be nude. Is that misandrous? No, that's empowering because they're all fat. Oh, of course. So then it's empowering. Oh, it's part of the body positive movement, which I was almost going to bring in as a problem this week.

That's coming in a future episode. But this really pisses me off. These are people who don't have anything going on in their lives. No problems, nothing. And the comment threads are incredible. There's just comment after comments after comment with people weighing in on the shit. Are you fucking kidding me? Move on.

This is a non-issue. This is a non-story. Marvel can do whatever they want. And by the way, they hired this classic Italian painter to do this. Who cares? It's this guy who's like 40, he's like 50-something years old, maybe 60 years old. He's doing his craft, his artwork. And in 100 years from now, we might look back at.

in the same way that we look back at Renaissance paintings. Yeah. As a work of art. So let me ask you something, because I always thought, well, I thought that, you know, you see these giant ripped dudes on these cover. And it's like, well, you know, guys don't look like that either. Right. Right?

Because these lunatics always complain that they're unrealistic. Right. Sanders of Beauty on these covers, like this comic book, like they're hypersexualized. And it's like, yeah, but so are the guys. They're not wearing anything. Yeah. But then someone's like, yeah, but that's a male fantasy. Oh, so everything's a male fantasy.

That's the male gaze, by the way. So I just want to point out something in this article in this paragraph that he wrote. He says that even the horniest teenage boy on the planet knows that there's no fabric on Earth that could possibly cling to Jessica Drew's individual buttocks like that. There's no fabric on Earth. That's the problem he has with this. Not that it's Spider Woman who can cling to walls. That's believable. But not this fucking fabric could exist that could cling to her butt, huh?

Maybe it's the same fabric she uses that clings out of her hands. Yeah, maybe she just made the outfit. And maybe who gives a fuck? Huh? How about that, you moron? It's a fucking comic book where people fly around and throw flaming pumpkins. This isn't reality, you idiot. I don't know what their problem is.

I just want to go back in time, find this kid as a baby and just shake him. I just want to shake this guy. I just want to shake. Wake up, you moron. Yeah. Oh, my God. This isn't unbelievable. I don't know what they want.

Like, do you just want a trash bag over her? Like, where is, where does it cross the line? They want everyone to look ugly and plain. That's what you want, right? Because they want realistic standards of beauty. Well, guess what? There's realistic standards of beauty every time I step into a grocery store. They're fucking everywhere.

They look like people walking around like tombstones. They look like trash. They were in their pajamas. They haven't put makeup on. I see it everywhere. I want escapism. This is my escape. Leave it alone.

Yeah. This is my one. reprieve from the monotony of everyday life. Well, it's also art, you know? It's stylized, it's not literal. No, as much as any horny teenage boy can tell there's no fabric on earth that can, that can like loop into someone's butthole like that. They also know that's not a real person.

Wait, wait, Spider-Man's not a real person? No, no, no, no. It's like, you know, an archetype, like a youngian archetype or whatever. It's a stylized version of like a hero. Well, it's in Sigmund fraud. Right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right. Yeah, no, but that's true. So you're telling me, Dick, let me see if I follow your logic.

You're telling me that nobody in real life has gotten bit by a radioactive spider, then developed superpowers that could cling to walls and then solved crime with those superpowers. Yeah, it's like a story. Oh, that's not real? No, it turns out it's not real. Oh, shit. So why am I so upset about this alternate reality that doesn't exist? I don't know. I don't get it.

I never have. Maybe I'm an idiot. How about that? There's some satire. To bring it back. So, okay, what do we got this week? You had your first problem? My first problem was the Facebook satire tag. What do you want to call it? Facebook social engineering. Let's be specific on this one, because there's a lot we could delve into it on Facebook. So the Facebook satire tag, I like that a lot.

Yeah, and then the militarized police. Okay. and my problems were emoji or icons and spider woman's ass. So that's it. Don't forget to vote on the website, The Biggest Problem in the Universe.com, and we'll look at the problems next week. Yep.

Thanks for listening. Thanks, guys.