The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 17

Episode Date: April 26, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe. I'm Maddox with me's Dick Masterson. Hey, what's up, buddy? Happy to be here. Like always. It starts out the best part of the week for me, and it ends up, after an hour, the worst part of the week for me. You know, Dick, I was thinking about the podcast recently,

and there's something we haven't really done in a long time, which is just kind of tell people exactly what we're doing. Just as a reminder, we are ranking all the problems in the universe. Everything from ants to AIDS. Right. So we're going to cover the entire spectrum. So, you know, this is your first episode you're listening to. That's what we're doing here.

Well, and the surprise, the experiment that we're conducting here, is really to crowdsource what the biggest problem in the universe is. I'm consistently surprised at what's the biggest problem in the universe, according to people. And I am not. Yeah. All right, well, how do we do last week? So the first problem last week, ranking number one,

was cold lasers. Yes. Yeah. Yes. Congrats, dude. You know? You know, I... Why do you glow like such a, like a happy idiot?

Because it's... I'm the little guy here. You've got everyone voting for your horseshit video games. When I finally plug a problem up to the top of the hill, man, it's great for me. It's a good problem. I thought that was a really good problem. Because that shit is outrageous. And after the episode, I had all these fans sending me pictures.

Because they were all getting therapy. They're all sending me pictures of their lasers. I'm like, yeah, that just looks like LED display. It is! And they're all getting it too. Yeah, it's pretty hilarious. That's like, I don't know, millions of dollars in people sitting in medical offices having flashlights shown on their extremities. Yeah.

This is medicine. Yeah. I'd rather go back to leeches. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. I think leeches are pretty abhorrent. Then followed by game post purchases, then game pre-purchases, and then you're bullshit, non-problem. Dick thought of on the way in to record the podcast,

missing your fantasy football draft. It's a big problem, man. I'm suffering bad this week. According to everyone, it's almost the lowest problem that we have on the list. Well, they don't have my fantasy team. Apparently, you don't have your fantasy team. The Dad Slayer. We got some comments.

Go ahead. I have one from Scott McGregor. He says, Female genital mutilation is a bigger problem than male genital mutilation because women love their vaginas and men love vaginas, and men love vaginas. No one loves dick, except maybe his mom. His mom loves dick.

All right, great. That's great. That's a good comment, Scott. I got one. Kyle Belmont, making most of my emails a simple sentence, has really improved things. Thanks for saving me time. One of my first problems, as you know, is long emails.

And it sounds like I'm making the world a better place. What's that guy's name? Kyle Belmont. Kyle, you're not saving time if you have to go back and explain something because you didn't do a good job the first time. Kyle, you nailed it, ignore him. Here's one from Chris Davis. I got to call Maddox out.

He hates conspiracy dipshits, but makes a conspiracy theory by saying that hackers can find out where you live by where you pre-order your game. And I got this, I heard a lot about that one. What the hell's Maddox talking about, finding out where you live by pre-ordering a game? You know, not the strongest part of the argument,

but not the entire argument either, dickheads. By the way, it's still possible. I'm not saying it's a conspiracy that this is happening. I'm saying it's plausible. It's a possibility that it could happen. Okay, whatever. Get your tinfoil hat on, buddy. Idiots.

I got a comment from Noah John. He was commenting about the steak episode where I said that you could get a cheap steak and cheap wine and be fine. He says, a date with Maddox sounds like a blast. Shit steak, shit wine, Maddox bragging about how only idiots would spend more and endlessly repeating that the entire spread

only cost $20. been a weird long awkward pause followed by maddox suggesting that he's a serial killer and sound effects don't forget the sound effects on a date for you dick no what is a date with you like it's it's great it starts with a bang and ends with a bang my dates are my dates are a blast really yeah i you know i am a great dater i really am even a shit date i can turn a shit date around i know how to turn that ship around like a shit date like what like she's not into you or she's just boring No, they're all into me, all right?

No, just a shit date like Oh man, she's a dud, she doesn't, you know, she's just kind of weird or she just had a long day and she's not talking or whatever. I can turn that shit around, I can make that date. How? What's your secret? I leave.

I got one last comment. This is from Kristen Moose Ryder, and so this is in relation to the ad. This is the first episode we actually had the ad at the top. What? Kristen Moose Rider? Writer, yeah. Like a Moose Rider?

Oh, I didn't even read that. Yeah. Kristen Moose Rider, like a Moose Writer, I guess. Strange name, okay. Yeah, strange name. Pretty cool. My fans have all sorts of cool and all real names. So Moose Rider here says, so we were talking about the advertising.

We were going to do a couple episodes. We finally got Audible on board, which is great. And it's a very non-intrusive ad, and we like the company. So this is what that ad. is going to help support. Kristen says, I completely agree and would also like to directly donate. And she said, I've been interpreting the show into American Sign Language to my deaf boyfriend. We both love the show and would appreciate equal access for the rest of the deaf community.

And Maddox and Dick, if you need more people to help transcribe the show, I'd love to help out. So people are not only doing this, they're offering to help out. Now we can actually pay some of these people to transcribe episodes. Great. We're saints. Yeah. I got a comment for you. Yeah. From Mr. X.

And then Mr. X, like a happy-faced guy. Hey, Dick, awesome. Show you three have. Would you mind asking Maddox, can we expect a new article every time one of your problems bombs voting-wise? I'd appreciate it, thanks, Steve. If you remember, Spider-Woman's Ass

was a problem you brought into the show, and I think it got summarily trounced by all of the other problems. I'm not sure about that. We'd have to go back, check the records. But then you turned it into an amazing thing, video. Yes. Right? I did. How's it doing? Incredible. So normally my videos, I expect to get around 120,000 views within a week. And this video within several hours was already near half a million

views. And already, the latest I checked, it was near about a million views already. And it's only been up for about three days. So I basically expanded that rant I did on the show and put all the stuff, because I did way more research. Here's what the listeners probably don't even realize that we do hours of research. I do hours of research. Yeah, I do good like 10, 15 minutes. I'm not counting to drive in, Dick. But yeah, I do hours of research for the show,

and I don't even get to all the points I want to make. So that's why I said, you know, I still have so much ammo here for this fucking Spider-Woman issue. I need to bring this in. And it got beaten really hard. That probably stoked a fire in you, too. Because it got fucking hammered. No, you know what?

It should have got. That's the point, though. It should have gotten beaten. It's a non-issue. So my fans listened, and they know what the message was, and they voted it down. It's a non-issue. So I'm actually happy that you lost. Yeah.

So you won. That's a victory for you. I won. Yeah, that's exactly what I was going for. Yeah, you'd be a great dater, man. Hey, real quick. Real quick, one last commenter, my mom called me the other day. And she said she's been listening to the episodes.

Cool. Yeah. Hi, Maddox is more. mom. Yeah. Hi, hi mom. So she says, here's some notes. She gave us some notes. You ready for this? Yeah. The first comment, she said, she said, listen, I really like the problem you guys brought in about the militarized police. Cool. That's me. Yeah. All me. Yeah. I didn't know this. That was even on something on my mom's radar or something she thought about, but she actually really liked that problem. Then she said, too much fuck. She says, I say the fuck word too much. And that's how she said it too. That was a problem of mine too.

Dick. Great. You and my mom have that in common. What else do you and my mom have in common? We should go out, man. We should see what's going on. Yeah, no, gross. So, too much fuckword.

And then she says, why are you so mean to your friend? And I said, what do you mean? She said, well, you're always saying dick, dick, dick. I'm like, oh, oh, that's his name, mom. So she wants me to stop calling you dick. And then the final note that she gave me is we talked about going out on dates and how I'll never call a girl back or give her a second date if she doesn't. at least make an offer to pay for something, right? She says, you're right, Maddox.

Don't pay too much for a date because then you're just paying for sex. Wow. Yeah. Sound advice from Mama Maddox. I mean, that's why I like doing it. You like paying for sex? Yeah, I would rather just, look, I'm putting it out there here. This isn't like a weird, this isn't like a weird communist dating dystopia.

We're both bringing an equal share to the table. I'm bringing money, you're bringing sex. Perfect. Great. Great dick. Yeah, date with you sounds awesome. Can we get to the problems? Do it.

My first problem is shitty road trip passengers. Oh, okay, shitty road trip passengers. Yeah, big problem. It is. So I drove up to, I went to Burning Man last week, which you know.

Yeah. And I offered to take this lovely Korean girl up there with me. She'd have a ride. I think I know who you're talking about, yeah. Yeah. So I was expecting, I don't let women drive, first of all, if we're going on a road trip. No, no, no, no, no.

They don't, they can stress them out too much. Yeah. The last thing you want at the end of a road trip is a stressed out woman. Oh, sure. Plus, I don't want some fucking woman driving my truck. You know, you could have just started with that and ended with that. That's totally reasonable, but you went right for the unreasonable at first. Yeah, well, anyway, I expected, like, 12, 15 hours of her dicking around on her phone, playing Sudoku.

like hearing half of a conversation as she fights with people over email. Yeah. But this girl was like looking up directions, looking up coffee. I mentioned that I would like some coffee. She's on Yelp finding nearby coffee spots. Oh, no. No, it was amazing. Oh, okay, great, yeah.

I'm saying that my experience with her made me realize how every other person I've ever been on a road trip is a total fucking asshole. Yeah, a total douche. Sitting on their phone. Uh-huh. Dicking around with whatever. I used to have a girlfriend who would infuri me while we were driving because I'm battling traffic. I'm trying to find the destination.

I'm doing the best I can. I'm trying to beat the clock. And I also have to pull over and look up directions on my GPS. And meanwhile, I look at her preening herself, you know, looking at herself in the mirror, just dicking around on her phone, checking the text. I'm like, hey, are you part of this transaction? Or do I have to do everything myself? Can you help out any?

Is this a bus? Am I a chauffeur? Yeah, why do I even have to ask? Yeah, I'm not your fucking chauffeur. Why do I have to ask? Well, to be fair, it is really hard on a bike. Oh, fucking Sean. Oh, gotcha.

So we pull over to get, after Burning Man, we pull over to get Indian tacos. And there is. What are Indian tacos? Indian tacos. It's like a deep fried tortilla or pita or something. A scone, yeah. No, scone, what the hell? It's a Navajo tacos.

That's what you're talking about, right? Yeah. It's called a scone? Yeah, they're scones. What about the things at Starbucks? Those are scones. Those are different kinds of scones. So Navajo tacos do a fluffier doughy scone.

Yeah, yeah. So you know what I'm talking about. It's a scone, a weird, not Starbucks scone, full of like taco meat and fixins. Yeah, right? So I order like three of them because I'm starving. We get in the car and I'm thinking, I'm looking at this smorgas board of meat and cheese,

and I'm thinking I might as well just throw this all over the car, right? Because there's no fucking way I'm going to be able to eat this and drive at the same time. And I'm sure shit not not driving. You're not driving. Yeah, I'm going. I'm eating on the road. I'm not sitting there staring at my car watching it doing nothing while people are whizzing down the highway on their way home, right? Sure.

Yeah. Why would you do one thing fast and efficiently when you can do two things slow and badly? Yeah, exactly. You know what I'm talking about. I know what you're talking about. So this girl, we get in the car and I'm right about ready to just pour it all over myself and see what gets in my mouth and cross my fingers. Right.

She grabs my food and arranges it into like an edible cone and hands it to me one by one and then eats her food after I'm eating. Oh, my, who is this? It was unbelievable. I know. Who is a saint you went out to Burning Man with? I think, I think it was a hallucination. Let me see your hand, man.

You got a ring? No. You fucked up. You should marry that woman. Yeah. Well, that's amazing. No, I know it was amazing. Nobody does that.

No. Nobody's that considerate. nobody offers you know you're uh you're sorry about your girlfriend or mine i had i had this long relationship with this girl and the only pretty much the only thing i remember i remember two things about her one she had enormous cans great and two one night uh these guys their car was broken down or something so i pulled my car over and uh helped them push it to like a gas station right thinking i was young and stupid and i thought maybe she would jump over into the driver's seat and like drive down the road to catch up with me.

No. No. I walk the quarter mile back to the car and she's on her phone playing snake. So this was back in the day where there was no cell phones, no internet on the phone even, just playing snake. The old LED, like the black and white cell phones without even color screens yet, they're playing, because that's the only fucking thing that they can have to distract them and take them out of reality.

Yeah. So she's sitting there playing snake while you're doing a good thing in helping these dudes out. Yeah. Yeah. And that's all I remember. Great. How much of a shitty passenger she was. I've had those, too.

I remember in Utah, I think this was in Utah, or maybe it was maybe more recently, but I was on a date. And I was doing the gentlemanly thing. And I, it was because it was very cold outside. I opened the door for her first, let her into the car. And I'm walking around the other side of the door, and I have to brush snow off my door handle. And I'm fiddling with the keys, and the door lock is jammed with ice. And what's she doing? Sitting in there looking at her nails, playing snake.

Whatever the fuck. Not reaching over to unlock the door for me. God forbid. Because apparently you're entitled to having the door open, and it's just something that guys have to do for you, right? And then we just have to stand out there. I mean, who knows how door locks work? Yeah, yeah.

You know, you got to have the key, maybe. Every car's different. Who knows, yeah. The alarm might go off, and that would be embarrassing. Who knows? Plus, sometimes when you reach over, the brake might jab your ribs a little bit, so you don't want it. Yeah, you'll flash too much skin.

You might flash a little bit of skin too much. So Dick, you're talking, you've talked about a really good road trip partner. Yeah. So what, but you haven't mentioned a bad one. All of them, all of them except her are bad. Now I'm judging everyone based on this. If we're ever driving somewhere and you pull your phone out, I will smash my car into the side of the fucking road. Me pulling my phone out, you're the one with your fucking phone out all the time, text, text, text, like a girl.

Yeah, but I'm driving. It's okay. It made me so mad. Your stupid emoji. This girl wouldn't even sleep. Like, I was, I was just to, like, stay up talking. Yeah, here's what I do, okay? Here's what kind of driver I am.

When I'm trying to get someone somewhere fast, and I need to get them there, if it's a long trip, sometimes it's a four-hour road trip, I'll bring bottle of Tabasco with me, and I'll start drinking it. If I'm starting to feel drowsy, because I have a, I'm on a mission, and I'm going to get us there, and I'm going to get shit done. And if I'm starting to knot off, I'll just choke down that Tabasco, and I'll be choking on it, and I'll just have a runny nose, and I'll be sweating and miserable, and my eyes are red and bloodshot, and I'll fucking get us there alive, bitch.

Doesn't it reek of Tabasco? Oh, yeah, the car reeks. I've also carried bottles of water on me, and I just poured on myself. I just start pouring water on me. Let's keep awake. It sounds like being driven around by a trash man. Like, it's soaking with water, but a disaster. But the car smells like vinegar.

Yeah. So there's that. Yeah, no, the Tabasco thing, that's actually why I can tolerate a lot of heat when it comes to spicy food. People used to joke. Actually, Tucker Max did an interview one time about the real Maddox, and he says, yeah, in real life, he's not really as aggressive, and he doesn't drink Tabasco. And I'm like, ah, wrong bucko. I actually do drink Tabasco. And I started doing that just to stay awake on long drives, because nothing else would keep me awake.

Rolling the windows down wouldn't, listening to the radio wouldn't. That's weird, man. That's just, it's weird that you discovered your lust for drinking Tabasco sauce because you had to drive around at night so much. Yeah, well, I wouldn't say a lust so much as a crutch, I guess. But you're setting the bar pretty high there, buddy, with that Korean chick. I mean, you're not going to find another one of her. I'm a great, I'm a great passenger.

I help, I look things up on GPS, I look up alternate routes, I look ahead to see where traffic is to route us around. Here's, here's where you are wrong. You are also a huge asshole and criticizing someone's driving all the fucking time. Hey, it's constructive. How come you're not going there? How come you're not going there?

Honk at this guy. You've honked my horn at someone in traffic. Do you know what an egregious move that is? I would rather you cop a feel on a girl I'm going out with than honk my fucking horn. Oh, excuse me. You know what? I had to move a layer of dust before I honked your fucking horn

because you're such a pussy when you drive. You never use that horn. That's the first time you've heard of your horn in your life. buddy and I helped you do it. No, I sit there and jam out on it something. What's up, Sean? We have established that Maddox is a road rager. Yeah, from a previous episode.

You honk other people's horns, dude. That's crazy. Sean, you mean a road rage. No, yeah, he's a road rage. Oh, that's right. Yeah, you are a road rage. I am a road rage. No, it's not aggressive.

I'm saving lives. I seriously am. I was in an intersection. I kid you not, a couple months ago, this guy started going through the intersection during a red light. I was behind him, and I started honking my horn, and he slammed on the brakes before someone turned into him and backed up.

That's the correct usage of the horn. You don't usually use it like that, though. Dick, you don't even understand the difference between an aggressive honk and a courteous honk. That's because it's one horn. No. There's no inflection. It just goes beep. There is inflection, dude. A little, a, a little beep.

That's a, hey, I'm here, or hey, go versus, beep. That's like a fuck you. That's the difference. Can you imagine if, like, everybody had a, bunch of different horn sounds like emoticons in their car. Amotocons, which you hate, but I think you would love different horn frequencies. Oh, yeah, of course. Well, I think you would, because I know how to use one horn with different inflections.

You apparently don't. You think it's all aggressive all the time. It depends what you're doing. You're projecting. Yeah, all right. Well, that's my problem. All right. I think everyone can identify with that.

I've rewarded that girl, by the way. Did I tell you this? The Korean girl. How'd you reward her? So she wanted some McDonald's on her way home. Oh. And my truck was packed up like the Beverly Hillbillies, right? So it wouldn't fit through the drive-thru.

Right. And the inside was closed. So I walked up to the window and I'm like, hey, my truck won't fit through. Can I get some food? And she goes, no. And I said, okay, well, I'll tell you what then. You see that truck? I'm going to drive it through the drive-thru until I get food.

So I backed it up She's like oh what did they say I said don't worry about it They said come and get it I said but wait here Wait out in the street So I backed it up and drove through You know those clearance signs

Yeah Knock the shit out of that Good Went up to the little ordering booth Yeah And started ordering and like gunning it To get through the thing So I know there's all this lumber

That I'm hauling is like creaking and cracking And the manager comes on the box And goes Sir sir! Back up, back up We'll give you food Just stop doing what you're doing So you're like a drive-thru terrorist.

So I went back out where she was waiting there. Yeah. And she was like, oh, what? Did you get to food? I was like, yeah, you got to go up and get it, though. Uh-huh. Because they've seen enough of me for today. Great, great.

Yeah, of course, yeah, you have to. You know, I'm on board. I support that dickish maneuver. Yeah, man. Everybody's got their skill. Yeah, good job, Dick. I'm getting McDonald's at 1 a.m. no matter what. Go ahead.

What's your problem? Yeah. Well, that's when you lose when you win. Anyway, my first problem this week is nepotism. Oh. Ah, big problem, big concept. So for people who don't understand words with the syllables, nepotism is when you favor somebody you know,

friends or family for, say, a job or some kind of better placement in a line or entry to a place that is closed off for special members or whatever. And that's what nepotism is. Wait a minute. I thought nepotism was only. family-based. I thought cronyism was when you do it for friends and family. Friends and family. Or it doesn't matter anymore.

Is it just the word? Yeah, you know, it's in the same, it's in the same universe. Same concept applies. Cronism versus nepotism. It's just semantics, but the problem is that you're favoring people you know or friends and family. Okay. Right? Cronism and nepotism. So and good distinction.

So here's, this is straight up from Wikipedia. This is some nepotism in politics that goes way back. in our country's history, around 30 family members or relatives of President Ulysses S. Grant prospered financially in some way from either government appointments or employment. Do you know that? No, I assume that 100% of people in politics are this. Like, I look at politics like a business.

It's like a family business that one family passes down to the next one. So I absolutely, that doesn't surprise me. Yeah. John F. Kennedy made his brother-in-law Sergeant Shriver, the first director of the Peace Corps, and his brother Robert F. Kennedy, Attorney General. And to the day, we still have a legacy of Kennedy's in office. Well, wait, did the last one die? I don't know.

I don't know. They all die. I don't know. I don't know anything about politics. I only know headlines from the judge report. Well, we, oh, great. Well, we hear at the biggest problem, like, to be accurate, so maybe they're all dead. You might want to check that.

So anyway, this is from a Washington Post. So there's a family called the Cool Family, K-U-L-L-E, Cool Family. And here's the number of people that they were hired for the, I believe it's the airport authority of Washington. Ann Kuhl, Helms, the son-in-law, Douglas Helms, the son, Albert, daughter-in-law, Michelle Kuhl, and Michelle's brother, Jeffrey Thacker. They all worked for the Metropolitan Washington Airport Authority all at the same time.

Yeah. It's like an entire generation or two of family. family members who work for this family. Yeah, uh, wouldn't you do that, though? Like, if you were, if you had to hire somebody for a position, what are you going to do? You're going to go out and run an ad on Craigslist? You're going to hire your buddies, right? Because you know them, you can work with them.

Yeah, I've been thinking about this, man. What do you do? Because if two people came in both, here's the thing, if two people came in both equally qualified, I would, I would probably be friendly to the person I know. I wouldn't pretend like I don't know them, right? You have to... But you have to... Ethically, what you should do is recuse yourself.

So say, hey, I know this person. I shouldn't be involved in this decision-making process. I got too much shit to do to do that, to be ethical. Yeah. Like, everybody does, though. I'm saying, like, you run your t-shirt. You sell your t-shirts, right? Right, right.

So you need help doing that. Somebody you know is going to come help you out. I mean... If you were running... Let's say you were running... What is that? The government. instead.

Somebody's going to come in and help you out. Right? I'm going to come in and say, hey, Maddox, you got all this alcohol and tobacco and firearm stuff. You've got to deal with it. Let me take it off your hands. Don't worry about it. Yeah, I mean, but it doesn't always happen that way, and it shouldn't happen that way.

Because what happens is, more often than not, you're not hiring the most qualified candidate for that job. You're just hiring your buddy. And when I used to work for the telemarketing company, one of the guys who had the cushiest jobs in the entire fucking company, He made well over six figures a year, and his job entirely, well, you would think his job was the golf, but his job is to scout for new locations to open up facilities. We open up a new facility maybe once every couple years, and his job full-time was to go around looking for locations.

And these locations he looked for happen to be right next to golf courses, almost every single time, every single one. Yeah, you're not in. It's a smart guy. Yeah, you got that shit-in-grin. Grin, why are you so happy? Why does that make you happy? I don't know. It's like winning the lottery whenever I hear about stuff like that. I'm like, yeah, I hope that's me someday.

Dick. What is your real problem with it, though? And it, what, he... Unqualified people are hired? Well, yeah, of course. And it creates a legacy. So even the Bush family. Look at George W.

And Senior Bush. Yeah. Right? He got it. He's... Where do you go? To yell, right? Bush went to yell? George W. Yeah, well, they both did. They both did. So we got in through this legacy and displaced somebody who may have been more qualified,

which in Bush's case is probably everyone. Oh, boy, here we go. Like you would have done any better. In Yale? No, as a president. Come on. Oh, you come on. I've been a great president.

First of all, no bullshit. I'd have a no bullshit policy. Big sign on the White House. No bullshit. That's how you know you're getting bullshit. You know what, no. I'm not bullshitting you. That's not...

Ah, get out of here. Yeah. Obama said it was going to be the most transparent administration and it certainly hasn't turned out to be that. No, no, he has been completely transparent bullshit. So there's that.

Yeah, I'm not defending Obama either here. Let's get things on the record. So anyway, yeah, I'd have a no bullshit policy. I'd tear down the gates on the White House. Like, hey, you guys want to fucking snite me? You want to assassinate me? Huh? Come on in, buddy. This is your presidential action?

Tear down the gates and come and get some? Like a WWF superstar? I'll be in the front yard with my shirt off, ready to fucking fist the cuff. Anyone who comes in. Let's have a fist fight. Right fucking now. Yeah. Fuck policy.

Let's start fist fighting. Yeah. You know, honestly, dude, I have been thinking about this ISIS shit. These motherfuckers piss me off so much. I'm like so close. What's ISIS? The Islamic terrorist group that has filled the vacuum of al-Qaeda in Iraq. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Which didn't exist before, like pre-Saddam, but they came in. funneled in through Syria because that shit was a mess that no one took care of or intervened with. Anyway, so that's the, that's these, these, these are the fuckers who are assassinating Americans and cutting off their heads and stuff. I'm so close to just putting out a fucking cold arms and saying, hey guys, I'm going to be in Iraq and this in this location, this GPS location, be there two o'clock. Let's just have a fight, let's just fucking duke it out. And then not show up and just bomb the shit out of it when they do.

I guarantee, I know my fans would be on board with this. They'd get my back. They'd come out there and fight with me. I'd be like, look, here are the rules. Well, they'd come out and not fight with you. You said you weren't going to show up. You know what, though? I actually may. So here are the rules. You better tell the bomb guys, which one for sure. Yeah, we'll figure it out, we'll figure it out. So I'll show up there. Here are the rules. Fist fights and swords. Swords are allowed. Because swords are cool shit, right? No guns. Guns are chicken shit, right?

I don't think so. I think guns are awesome. You know what it is? It's remote-controlled death. It's for pussies. For lazy people. Everyone who owns a guns. Guns are science, bro. Guns are... Guns are... They are... They're weaponized science. Yeah, they are.

Swords are just pointing sticks. Look, guns were invented in Chinese like a million years ago. How scientific could they be? Oh, they've come a long way. Yeah. Yeah. Guns are for lazy people who don't want to get up and kill somebody. 100% of gun owners are fat.

That's a fact. Do you think these... Do you think ISIS deals with nepotism? Like, do you think the terrorists are like, oh, man, like... Yeah, they'd be better terrorists. didn't. If they didn't hire their buddies, their fucking terrorist buddies. So anyway, man, I won't go on.

The nepotism thing. I don't hear more about your platform. Oiled wrestling in the White House lawn, duping terrorists into showing up like for candy grams and shit, like a Looney Tunes cartoon, and then you bomb them, I guess.

All right, dude. To have a platform, you need a third thing. I want to talk about nepotism and entertainment. Susan Sarandon's daughter Okay Eva Amory Has been hired in Californication House, how I met your mother

Yeah Right, the list goes on So listen to this Listen to this one First of all, did you know Nicholas Cage, huge actor Greatest actor Of his generation

Possibly of all time Yeah, do you think he has He has been helped out by nepotism at all? Yeah Yeah, I know his whole story Oh you know his whole story? Great, great dick Well, for the benefit of people who don't.

He's, so he's from the, he's from the Coppola family. Yeah. Right? So the Coppola family includes many distinguished filmmakers and actors. The careers are Sophia Coppola. Nicholas Cage and Jason Swartzman have been attributed to aid by director Francis Ford Coppola, who cast his daughter, Sophia, in the Godfather, Part 3. Cage changed his last name in order to distance himself from such charges.

So he benefited from this, but then he just changed his last name, so it wouldn't seem like there's impropriety going. But there is. Don't they all do that? Like don't it? Doesn't everybody in Hollywood do that? Some of them do. Like here's another example.

Merrill Streep's second daughter. It's Mamie Gummer. So she appeared alongside her mom in the movie Heartburn, and she was uncredited in the film to avoid media scrutiny. Yeah. Yeah. And then Clint Eastwood's son, Scott Eastwood, Lenny Kravitz's daughter, Zoe Kravitz, Jean-Claude Van Damme's daughter, Bianca Van Verenberg?

So what do you want these people to do? not put their kids in stuff? I don't know, man. You gotta put your kids and stuff. You don't have to. You don't have to. You don't have to. You don't have to.

You're doing is you're just giving them a silver spoon. Here you go. You don't have to earn anything. I already did it for you. Here you go, buddy. Why don't you... Here, I'm just gonna lift the fence for you.

You don't have to climb it. So what if your kid wanted to write? You wouldn't give them a link on your website? Fuck no. You have to earn that shit. Yeah, you have to earn that shit. All right. Because if they don't,

you're doing them a disservice. They didn't earn it. They didn't suffer like you did for your art. They didn't struggle. So if they want to do it, they should earn it, right? Why would you... Because that's just not the way people work. They want to help out their tribe.

They want to help out people who are related or people who are similar to them. That's not an explanation of anything. That's an evolutionary explanation. You want to help out people who are similar to you because they will do the same thing for you. Great. So maybe we should just create little cults of like black people helping black people,

Koreans helping Koreans, Jewish people helping Jewish people, and we all become these insular little pockets of society where we don't talk about. That's how we are. That's how we are. Yeah, that's a problem. That's a problem.

You don't think that's a problem? I don't know that it's a problem. You make me want to bark. Yeah. Okay, well, I got, here's where I'm going to win this fucking debate, right? I'm going to bring this in because it's very hot right now. Okay. Here's some nepotism that pisses everyone off as far as gamers go.

Gamergate. Do you know what this is? No. Gamer Gamer. So this is huge story in video games right now. There's this huge scandal, and people have been begging me to talk about this. This guy, basically, he broke up with his girlfriend because she cheated on him. And he wrote this long expose about all the different guys that she cheated with.

Turns out there was five different guys that she cheated with. Okay, that sucks. Look, man. Yeah, look, you got cheated on. It's your personal life. It's her personal life. Don't air out your dirty underwear. It's nobody's business, right?

except for one instance that one of the people she cheated with, she happened to be a video game developer, and one of the people she cheated with is a journalist for a video game company, or for a video game website. Okay. And he, it's kind of controversial right now. He may or may not have given her a soft review,

like a very beneficial review because he was banging her. Okay. Or at least, at the very least, liked her before, sure. Yeah, this game came out. So there's some nepotism that's working in, their favor and it's outraged in the gaming community because there's been censorship going on and then on the other side of the fact uh the other side of the coin people have been attacking this this

this uh this woman uh just hateful threats and shit like that it's isn't going back and forth it's this big ugly drawn-out mess but ultimately comes down to nepotism what this game video game soap opera that's what's pissing people off yeah they're pissed off because they're review they had a soft review on a fucking video game well and it cares they're all soft Do any of those reviews mean shit? All I ever see is like nine. Oh my God, it's amazing. Oh, wow, the graphics are so great.

Was it fun? No, probably not. What video game websites are you reading? I don't know, all of them. I always assume they're all just fluff pieces. Otherwise, they're not going to get to free games. Yeah, you know, I... So here's an example of nepotism that I didn't take part in.

A video game company contacted me a while back. and they said, hey Maddox, we'd like to send you some free games. I said, uh, that sounds great. Yeah, send me free games. They sent me like nine free games. And they were awesome. Most of the games were pretty great. And they, but I told them, I said, look, you can send me these free games.

But I'm not going to talk about it on my website. I don't do that. And if I did, I would fully disclose that you guys send me these games. That's what you have to do. That's the ethical thing to do. Because then it takes that little inkling of doubt in the back of your mind out of the equation. Did this person genuinely like this game or is he getting bribes? That's what essentially this comes down to, right?

It's a form of almost like a... Like a sex bribe? No, it's not a sex bribe. This girl that was cheating on the guy. Oh, cheating on his boyfriend, yeah. Possibly. Like, who knows, man? Her personal life is nobody's business but hers and the person that she fucked over.

She might be a terrible person. She sounds like an awful person. But that's irrelevant. Only insofar as she benefited from her sexual deeds for better video game reviews. Yeah, I don't know, man. Your whole nepotism problem. I think I might be pro nepotism.

Yeah, of course you are, Dick. Why would you... Because it saves time. Like, what do you get... You're just going to go interview some other jackass who probably sucks at the job just as much as your friend does.

Just hire your friend. Okay, well, let's say you live in a country... And your friends are less likely to screw you over because they know you personally. No, they're more likely to screw you over because they'll take advantage of you. Your friends? Yes.

You think I'm more likely to screw you over than a random guy in the street, and I'm kind of a bad guy. Yeah. I guarantee you're screwing me over right now. Like, there's three fucking ways you're probably screwing me over. I just know it. So, yeah, because your friends are going to be inept and incompetent, whereas a stranger who you're paying, who has no affiliation with you is not. No. The opposite.

Absolutely the opposite. What do you know? If you hired a stranger versus a friend to ship your t-shirts, dude, you're losing, you are losing like 10, percent right off the top. They're stealing merchandise. They're stealing money. They're stealing everything they can get their hands on. Dick, always looking at the best in humanity. That's what people do. Yeah, that's what bad, shitty people do. If you don't screen them well, if you don't try to read them and get a good deal for them. I'm fucking great. Eventually, everybody steals. No, no, what do you mean eventually? Eventually, every employee griffs off the top. What are they going to

walk out with my t-shirts? I'll put in... Yeah, they're going to shove them down their pants and walk out with them. Well, then I'll have... They ship them to the wrong people. They'll ship them to their friends. Then I'll tell my guard towers to keep an eye out. They're sniper rifles. They'll be fat up there too. You gotta trust your friends more, man. You know, dude, yeah, I get it.

You know, I get it. In certain instances, you might want to benefit your friends. But where it causes a problem is if you are outside of that circle, that social circle... Then fuck you. No, what do you mean to fuck you? You better find your own circle fast, man. if you're outside that one. You better go to USC.

Yeah. That's the best in the world, man. There is no alumni program like they have. If you are in the neighborhood, like, I mean, if you're barely competent, but you went to USC and, like, a person hiring you went to USC, you're in, man. You'll bypass a thousand people.

And every USC grad knows that, and that's why they go there. You know what? You know what that leads to, nepotism? Genetic retardation. That's nepotism. Here we go with the conspiracy. Genetic retardation.

We've been doing it. this for our entire existence, though. So we've been doing lots of shitty things for our entire existence, dick. Like, if you're going to just continue making this insular little pocket of the same fucking people, same family members, only your buddies, you know, go to Sweden. In Stockholm, you know what the

property owners are? They're all the same fucking family. There's like a handful of families who own property in Stockholm, and just generation after generation after generation passes that down. And you keep talking about, oh, well, you know, the wealth gets out there and people earn it, blah, blah, blah. No, I think up to upwards of 30 to 40,000,

of the top Fortune 500 companies are people who inherited their money. Wait, wait, here? Yeah, some are all of their money. Not the companies, rather, but the top list of billionaires. They're people who inherited their money. So if you're just passing wealth on, you're passing

jobs on, you're passing opportunities on, just the people you know, and it's so arbitrary. We didn't pick our families. Go back to episode number one. Vote up families, guys. That's the biggest problem. This is some kind of a weird, this is exactly like your family's problem and your marriage problem. You have a problem with fundamentally the way evolution has made people.

Because you didn't win the lottery. That's why. If you were next in line to be president of the United States, if you were Jeb Bush. You'd love it. Yeah, that dumbass. Hey, so speaking of... I don't even know what we're speaking of.

We were talking about nepotism. Yeah. No, dude, whether or not I hit the lottery, I would at least realize that I have these benefits and advantages. Right? I would at least realize that and acknowledge it and not gloat so much and say, oh, I won, I earned this. Because I didn't. You didn't. If you benefit from nepotism, you didn't earn your credit. That's what Nick Cage has done. And so Sophia Coppola has done. Nick Cage has earned his stardom. He's earned that castle. Did you see Conair? He changed his name because, first of all, because it sounds cool. Nick Cage sounds way better than Nicholas Coppola. Yeah, but you know what sounds cooler than Nick? Fucking power?

Why don't he call himself Power Cage? Yeah. Huh? Power Cage. So then he can't be like a romantic lead, man. Then it could be a president having an arm wrestling contest on the Ophoslan. It'd be pretty rad. President Power Cage.

Hey, so Nick Cage had to change his last name, but he did that because he wants to remove doubt in people's minds. Because he knows deep down that that insecurity exists. with everyone who benefits from nepotism, that insecurity exists. I have this friend who is pretty high up in the improv community in Los Angeles. And there was one point his girlfriend was trying out to be on a team. He was one of the judges on the team. And you know what he did? He recused himself.

He said, guys, I'm too closer. I can't put my opinion in on this. Yeah, he probably did that so he didn't get bitched out at home. He was avoiding a huge fucking fight. Exactly. Again, more self-interest. Why get so cynical? Wait, but Maddox, can't you differentiate between the person who, obviously people are given jobs unfairly?

They bypassed a lot of people. But don't you think people who stay in that industry can be there of their own merit after that? Like, that doesn't negate everything that they do after, does it? You're right, Sean. No, you're right. You're absolutely right. But just that seed, that kernel, is enough to put a little bit of doubt in people's minds. I personally would feel like shit.

if I thought maybe I didn't, maybe I got a little bit lucky. Maybe somebody pulled a lever for me and helped me out. I mean, you know what? And here's the thing, I'm kind of a hypocrite because I'll take advantage of nepotism sometimes. If I walk up to a bar or a club or something and there's a big long line, somebody there knows me, they're pulling me in. Fuck, yeah, I'm in. But it's unfair.

And I realize it's unfair. All right. Yeah. What's your, well, before we get to the same problem. Before we move on, I just want to mention that this episode is brought to you by Audible. Go to audiblepodcast.com slash biggest for your free audiobook download. Do you know about Audible? Yeah.

Audible does the audiobooks. They provide audiobooks for people. In fact, they have over 150,000 titles to choose from in every genre, Maddox. Very smoothly. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I'm actually really genuinely pleased that we got Audible. This is actually going to help out a lot, guys.

We're going to have, you know, the transcriptions on the episode and may be able to do a live show soon. And we're still talking about doing that bonus episode, too. So, yeah, thanks for our very first sponsor, Audible. Can I tell you that I bought my dad, Audible one time? For, like, Father's Day? Because you know how dads are impossible to buy stuff for? Yeah. Do you buy stuff for your dad?

No, I just stopped trying. Yeah, man, pretty much me too. But he had a long commute. He had like a two-hour commute every day. Yeah. So I got him an Audible subscription, and he would like, it was like the one, the feeling of buying your dad a gift that he actually uses? is unlike any other feeling, I think.

It's not like that good. It's just different. It's good, but it's also like, I got you, you bastard. Take that. You're going to use my gift. Yeah, it is pretty cool. Especially because I feel like my dad is just a self-made man

and he's so self-sufficient. He never wants anything. My dad, especially, I've never seen my dad listen to music. He doesn't watch TV. He doesn't do anything except work. His favorite thing to do is chop down trees. Like he likes to chop down trees and weld and build stuff. And there's nothing I can give him because he has every tool in existence.

So if I find that thing for my dad... Try audible. He actually uses it. That's what I'm saying. Do you realize what I'm saying? I'm saying try it, throw an audible at him. You know, my dad's partially deaf. He probably wouldn't be able to hear it.

However, he could read the transcriptions of our episodes. So there's that. So you get a free audiobook download. Yeah. If you go to this URL. Cool. So I looked up some of the titles, right, to see what I wanted to. listen to. Okay. One, I thought it would be cool. The bully pulpit, the Theodore Roosevelt story.

Oh, yeah, that is cool. That's cool. Theodore Roosevelt was a badass. Yeah, I don't want to read that, but I'll listen to it. You should read the Theodore Roosevelt chapter I wrote in my book. All right. You could read it to me. I'll give you a call later. I also thought Augustus, the first emperor of Rome, that might be a title I want to get for free by going Audible. All right. Here's dick. Right? That sounds interesting. Here's the one I ended up on, though. I think I'm going to get this one. Milked at her uncle's farm.

Volume one, Vanessa's dairy farm training and erotic lactation story. It's a real book you can download for free, man. Just go to audiblepodcast.com slash biggest. There you go. I'm really going to download that. Oh, I know you will. I know you will dig.

Actually, we should bring you in excerpts from that next week's for the next week's show. All right. You know, my problem? and we got to move it. Jennifer Lawrence's tits. Well, how is that a problem, Dick? You know, the big scandal happened, whatever they're calling it. What's the scandal?

The scandal is a bunch of hackers got into these celebrities' accounts, and they, surprise, surprise, they all got a bunch of naked pictures of themselves up there. And Jennifer Lawrence is one of them, along with, like, Kate Upton and a bunch of other broads. Sure. And when it came out, I kind of didn't really care. Like, I didn't want to see her tits that bad because it's always disappointing. Like celebrity tits are always disappointing to me. Oh, wrong.

Really? Yeah. Explain. So when Scarlet Johans... I'll give you an example, an encounter example. When Scarlet Johansans came out, someone sent it to me, and I saw them, and they were pretty disappointing.

I don't know what I was expecting. Very disappointing. Yeah. I don't know what I was expecting. But, to be fair, they were these private photos taking not necessarily in the best light or angle or whatever, and they were stolen from her. So maybe I just didn't see them presented

how they would want it presented. Okay. But, yeah, I saw the latest ones, and I was not disappointed. You saw Jennifer Lawrence's tits? I did, yeah. Well, then, my friend, you are committing a sex crime. So I didn't really give a shit about it until I saw all over the internet that it's my fucking fault that she feels violated about this.

Anybody who looks at them is committing a sex crime. Top of Forbes. A magazine that I always thought was in my corner. Not anymore. Why is Forbes in your corner? Because it's about business. Oh, yeah, sorry, I forget. Business dick.

Oh, here, old business. Yeah, I just think the whole internet's gone insane about this. It's funny. Celebrities fucked up. There's a bunch of naked pictures of them out now. Oh, heaven forbid that someone sees your bare boobs. Oh, no, it's a fucking sex crime. So then I wanted to see them.

Yeah. What were you going to say? This is exactly the Barbus Drysand effect in action. and I'm going to be talking about that as well. So do you know what the Barba Streisand effect is? Explain it. Barbara Streisand, a long time ago, someone was creating,

he was documenting pictures of the coast, the California coastline, and was putting them together on a website or something, so you could go up and look at the coastline. Well, Barba Streisand's house in Malibu is right on the coast, and it's just right there. So she sued this guy, she sent him a cease-indizz.

And the guy said, no, this is, that's insane. I totally have the right to take a picture of the coastline. Fuck you. And she wanted her. house censored from this. So there was this big lawsuit and he got... So you put a big asshole, right? Over her house. Yeah, just a picture of her face, a big ass. So

she tried to get this guy shut down and she sued him and he went to the press with it and he said, hey, Barbara Streisand is suing me for this ridiculous bullshit. Every news outlet picked up the story and was blown way out of proportion. So had she shut the fuck up, no one

would have even known that her picture was on this rinky dink little website. Oh, Jennifer Lawrence? You're saying? Is this? Barbara Streisand. Yeah, this is a Streisand effect. So by simply going after and making such a big stink about it, everybody saw it. And now it's impossible to remove, and it's completely pointless. But the media outlets who are complaining about this are doing the exact same thing with Jennifer Lawrence.

Dude, they've successfully removed these pictures from the internet, basically. Like I popped it into Google, you know, who is now an accessory to my sex crimes. And I could not, all I found was like pages and pages and pages of news articles about how horrible I was for trying to look at them. Yeah, you know, Jennifer Lawrence is everyone's darling. She's the world's darling. She's the Internet's darling. She's America's darling. Everybody loves her.

I think the outrage here... No, I see more Jennifer Lawrence in the headlines than Kate Upton, who was one of the biggest targets of this. Yeah, and her pictures were great. Right? Yeah, whatever. Everyone's got a body. It gives a shit.

Like, whatever. It's all general. Well, that's what I'm... So, I mean, I just came back from Burning Man. I spent half of that naked. I don't care. I don't care. What is the big deal?

Like the only reason it's a big deal to her is because she could charge for it, right? The only reason it's a big deal when this celebrity gets busted being naked and stupid is because it's costing her money. That's my premise. Well, you're wrong. No, no, I totally think it like is a black mark

on her image. Well, of course. Like I absolutely think that it translates into a direct dollar amount of like less whatever, for her next movie. Well, as a businessman, Dick, you know, Forbes in your corner and everything,

wouldn't you, isn't that counter to your argument? Aren't you saying then essentially someone has done monetary damage to Jennifer Lawrence? If you're saying her naked body does have value, which it does, clearly. She could sell those photos so she wanted to, which I don't think she ever would, because it would also hurt her career if she did that. But it does have value.

Easily upwards of tens of millions of dollars. If she wanted to do a spread for Playboy, you don't think they would pay that in a heartbeat? I do. Of course they would. But she's denied that opportunity now because these photos are out. So someone has done monetary damage to her. You don't think that's a problem?

I think it's a crime called hacking. I don't think it's a sex crime. I think it's a bunch of personal data that was stolen. And the idea, this is the idea that upsets me. I'm reading the stupid journalist telling her that she shouldn't apologize for it. Yeah. But she should feel bad for being stupid. No.

Yes, she should. If you don't want the pictures out, there, don't take them and put them on your fucking phone. Why is she culpable for being stupid and not fucking Apple with their bullshit I-Cloud service with your stupid iPhones, you idiots? This is exactly what I'm talking about. What you've said is exactly what I'm talking about. Assume that everyone is going to fuck up except for you. That's the lesson of this story.

If somebody, if it's supposed to be secure, it's not gonna be. If you tell a guy not to show these pictures of everybody, as soon as he gets them, they're going to everyone in the fucking world. Well, sure, dick, but also with this iCloud service, it's automatic. automatically enabled unless you go through all these hoops and try to specifically opt out of this iCloud service, which is next to the impossible for the typical Mac user, let alone someone advanced like me. It took me fucking two hours to install iTunes because I specifically tried to uncompress iTunes, the installer, the package, and install only the pieces I wanted. I didn't want to install their bullshit service that updated every fucking five minutes. I just wanted iTunes

just to be able to check metrics. And it took me like an hour to two. hours just to unpack that executable to find out how exactly to do that. You're expecting the typical iPhone. I could have my parents come over and show you how to install iTunes. They did it, no problem. Yeah, well, maybe they can learn how to hit that toggle, the two-speed toggle, too. Oh, man, my dad heard you talking shit. He was pissed.

Oh, boy. That's just paying it forward for throwing me under the bus so quick. Yeah, your dad. Yeah, he just jumped on me. Sean fucked up the audio. Yeah, yeah. No, he's, no less. Look, what I'm saying is, here's, let me, let me read this quote.

Let me read this quote one second. It's not their responsibility. This is what people are saying. It's not their responsibility to protect their own property from theft by not creating said property or storing it in any specific way. More than it is any woman's responsibility to dress a certain way, traveling groups, wear special nail polish, or they're making it ridiculous, right?

It started out like good advice, but then it got stupid, wear special nail polish or what have you to lessen the chance that someone will attempt to assault them. News flash, yes, it fucking is. Look out for yourself because the world is fucked. Nothing works. None of your devices will ever work properly, and people are constantly trying to fuck you.

It is absolutely your responsibility to protect yourself. That's what I'm saying. That's the problem with Jennifer Lawrence's tits. Okay, great dick. But here's the thing. You can do due diligence. That's what you're required to do is due diligence. You try.

You make your best effort But nobody and nothing Is completely unhackable or completely secure You know what is? What? Not taking a bunch of nude pictures of yourself And putting them on the internet No, that's stupid.

Who are you? The fucking terrorists? You need that? You really need to take a bunch of nudes of yourself That aren't very good, by the way, and put them on the internet? Like, is that like a need that you have? I don't compulsively have that. I'm sure my mom doesn't compulsively fucking have that.

Why not? Why not? Just to fucking... Who cares? Who gives it? You can do whatever the fuck you want with your camera, and you shouldn't be expected for everybody in the world to see. You have a personal bank account. You have a personal bank account.

You have personal bank records. You have tax records. All that shit's available. It's accessible somewhere, somewhere online. Someone has it. So if you get hacked because somebody was determined enough, if you were valuable enough celebrity dick, you would be a target, and people might hack you and they might find your financial records or who knows what? Can you imagine that? What if pictures of my dick were all over the internet?

Yeah. Would you look? Of course. Of course not So actually I have a theory I have a theory I've been actually working on this

for a while now Do you understand what I'm saying That it's your personal responsibility? No no I get it I get it Dick I think that personal responsibility You're only so culpable After that, after that

Look the company also failed here Let's not just assume that this was a failure of passwords It wasn't There was a number of different hacks that they used to get this information But here's what I'm proposing As a solution to this

and I actually may create this website. It is going to be like a yellow pages of nudity. Every single person on earth needs to upload a picture of themselves completely naked. And you can just go to this website and look anyone up like in a directory and see what their genitals look like. Because the number one thing that everybody's afraid of when they lose their cell phone or their account gets hacks, like, oh my God, my nudes. Yeah. Who gives a shit? Everybody's got them.

Just post it online, get her over with, and then that way you're deflating this bullshit. No one cares about nudity anymore. Sex has so much fucking power in this country, and we need to deflate that. And the way to do that is it create a yellow page is everyone's junk. So, like, not Facebook, but like Dick Book? Junk book? Junk book?

Junk book, yeah, that's what it is. It's junk book. So you go to this, you just type in, you know, you type in the first three letters. It brings up anyone. Like, you could even see your mom. Like, anyone, everyone's on there. I don't want to do it.

You have to. Yeah. Is this your third point of your platform as president? Number one, greased up wrestling. Number two, zany antics with terror. Number three, everybody has to take naked pictures themselves and send them to you so you can have a database. Yeah, sounds about right. No, man, here was the last thing that pissed me off about it, this article.

In short, we emphasize how women can prevent being assaulted instead of telling men and boys not to assault women in the fucking first place. That's so fucking sexist. I'm so sick of it. I'm so sick of hearing how I'm a fucking asshole because I want to see a celebrity. naked. It's funny. You fucked up. I want to see it. I got to see it. I just got to see it. I want to be a part of the fun. You know, whatever. It's there. You fucked up, not me. Yeah. Well, it's out there. And, and, uh, yeah, I don't know. I think the only way you're actually perpetuating this is if you share or pass on those photos. Uh, or if you create the demand and somehow, I guess if you create the demand and somehow go to these websites and they're making ad revenue from your views, then you're contributing to the problem. I mean, what's the, what's the loss? Like, feeling, ashamed. It's not a real thing. What you're saying is that sex shouldn't be such a big deal.

Shouldn't that mean nothing really is happening here? Victimless crime? No, it's not a victimless crime. You agreed that there's monetary damages done against Jennifer Lawrence and Kate Upton. Kate Upton especially. People have been wanting her to do a nude spread for years and years. I have. Well, of course.

Now, that value has lessened because so many people have seen it out there. Yeah, I would pay for it again though, if I'm being honest. but you might not pay as much because you've already seen it. That's my problem, buddy. That's a show, that's a ticket to a show

that you didn't pay for. You know, by the way, I don't even really want pictures of tits sent to me. I want real tits. If you're going to send me phone pictures of tits, just bring you tits over. I'll check them out, you know. What if they're in another state, Dick?

What are you going to do then? What am I doing, talking, texting broads in other states? I don't know, man. Look, Dick speaks for himself. Send me all the tits. Yeah, no. Do you have anything else to say on this thing? It really upsets me that it's that not,

that responsibility isn't put on her. And we're telling people this. I do want to add something just to the last point you made, which is they said that we should stop telling women that it's their responsibility to protect themselves. It is. Well, to an extent, yes. A hundred percent it is.

No, dick, it's not. Dude, yes it is. If you pass out drunk in a party or whatever, you shouldn't expect to get raped. Yes, you fucking should. Oh, dude, big foul. No, you can't say. that's fucking bullshit.

That's absolutely bullshit. Dude, you have to protect yourself 100% of the time all the time. It doesn't matter if you think these things are horrendous and illegal. They might fucking happen. You've got to be careful. No. Dick, that's a huge foul. You can't say that.

What do you mean? No, you can't say that you expect to get raped. That's a huge fucking foul. You can't say that. I don't understand if you're telling me this seriously, like off the air or if you're saying it? I don't know. I don't know. We might have to even.

Like, you can't say that, dude. Are you serious? Yeah, yeah, you can't say that. You don't think that the need to protect yourself is, like, tantamount to any other thing? Well, that's different. That's a different statement. You, yeah, you absolutely can't get so drunk that you pass out at a party. You pass out all the time.

I'm a guy. No one wants to fuck with me. Okay, that's the point. If I was a girl, I absolutely couldn't do that. Yeah. Anyway, let's you move on? Next problem? Well, yeah, uh, yeah, sure.

All right. My next problem is the parents. television council you know what this is the parent television council is this organization that has been trying to censor the news well they're trying to censor tv by creating these robo mailers so there's only about i think around 12 000 members in the parent television council however when there's an offense that happens on tv like you remember the super bowl janet jackson the, what did they call the wardrobe malfunction, right? You remember that?

Yeah. Congress was inundated with mail and flyers and letters millions of them from only about 12,000 or so people. And it turns out it's because they send out these robo-mailers on behalf of people who don't even exist.

Oh. Yeah. They bombard Congress to create legislature to, they're the ones who helped push the V-chip through television. through television. They made your TV sets more expensive. The V-CHIP is something that lets parents tune out things that are above a certain rating and content and maturity.

What's that, Sean? You were nodding, you were going to say something? No, I was going to say it's just like voting in this country then. What's that? I mean, just thousands of votes from dead people or people who don't exist or whatnot. Yeah. It sounds conspiratorial, but it happens on both sides.

Yeah, that's what these guys are doing. And they have such a weird, puritanical view about, everything. The guy who founded this is an extreme, like, Christian dude, and they have all sorts of problems. They have problems with language. They have problems with nudity. They have problems with things that are suggestive. And now, they're extending

their reach to the internet. Do you know this? No. Yeah, so, they had a huge problem. They said, this is from E-Online. They said, the conservative watchdog organization is calling out, it's calling on the network to rethink its decision to post an uncensored version of a

Saturday night live skit on both its website and YouTube. This is a new low for NBC, PTC President Brent Bozell said in a statement. Clearly, the network will stop at nothing to find loopholes for its indecent programming to reach the public. A loop? They're calling the internet a loophole. What do they try to censor? What is the sketch they're talking about? It was the dick in the box sketch. Oh, man. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, they wanted, you remember, that's a good sketch. It's a great song, too. They want that was stricken from the internet as well. Well, yeah, they wanted, first of all, they wanted the word Dick censored. The song is called Dick in a box, and they wanted the word, Dick, I wouldn't

even be able to say your name right now. No, good. If they had their way. Yeah. Yeah. So they wanted that censored not just on TV, but on the internet as well, on YouTube. How do they expect to do that? I don't know. I'll tell you what, they can't do anymore. They can't pay for it. Because in the, in the most recent, this is from the, from AdWeek. So why is the PTC getting banned out of shape over this? Well, it could be, because the organization has logged something of a precipitous decline in donations over the last few years. The most recent Form 990 available has the organization bringing in $2.7 million for 2012, and with a little more than $2.5 million coming in from donations. So as recently as 2008, the organization was seen about $4 million in donations,

and the thing that keeps the watchdog groups funded is presence in the public eye. They're actually declining. They saw a year-to-year decline of 26% in their funding. Good. Yeah, because people are tired of their bullshit. How, well, can they even function anymore? Like, with everything moving to Netflix and Amazon or Hulu or whatever, how the hell the government can't tell them what to play? Yeah, well, that's their, that's their concern. This is like their last gasp. This is their death rattle. They reduce their staff by 38%.

They reduce their funding by 26%. Because funding isn't coming anymore. People are watching less TV. Thank God. This bullshit organization is going to go away. Sounds like this problem's taking care of itself, buddy. Yeah, you know what, though? It's just a matter of time before. They're actively seeking legislation to try to get YouTube to have a rating system that is enforced that they can then control and have some say in, which leads to more censorship.

Man, I'll tell you what, when YouTube got rid of the anonymous comments, I felt that that was going to be, that this was where we were going. Like, as soon as you were no longer allowed to comment anonymously on YouTube videos, I felt like the next step or the eventual step was a full on rating system, full on censorship. I'm okay with the YouTube commenting system. You can still comment anonymously. You can create an account if you want to that isn't your real identity.

Yeah, of course. Of course. Well, so here's something from the New York Times. They said that they're, you know, the show, shit my dad says? Yeah. Based on the very popular Twitter account shit my dad says. and they said that declaring on September 17 that it would not rest, the parent television council would not rest

until the network changed the title or the show was canceled. Well, that problem fixed itself too. Yeah, I guess I got canceled. Did you ever see that show? No, that's with William Shatner, right? No, yeah, and it was, it was like, imagine married with children with William Shatner as Al Bundy instead of Ed O'Neill.

It was like way too over the top. There was nothing like, it wasn't like a depressed curmudgeon who was giving advice. It was like this goofy character. Because I love that Twitter. Yeah, the Twitter account's very funny. I feel like William Shatner has become a caricature of himself specifically since the Hotline commercials.

Or the Hotwire. The negotiator? The negotiator. Yeah. What's the website? Price line. Price line. Since the Priceline commercials, he's become a caricature of himself.

And now he does this weird, fat William Shatner Kung Fu thing. And I feel like that's just him all the time. Yeah. Maybe that's just always been him. And now he's just allowed to play himself. Could be. Seems like fun. He's a real cocky dude, too. Yeah, my mom hates him.

Why does your mom hate him? I think that's part of the reason, and I think there's, like, some controversy over how his wife died. How did his wife die? Like, she drowned in a pool, and there's, like, some kind of, uh... Some people wonder what he was doing. Hmm. Was he eating a steak, something? I don't know. When an adult drowns in a pool, I think you got some explaining to do.

Well, they said that he can't swim. I don't think people were buying that. He didn't go in to get her out. That sounds fishy. I don't know if the man can swim or not, but that was what I heard thrown around. So his wife was drowning in a pool, and he couldn't save her because he couldn't swim?

I guess, yeah. So what did you just stand by the sidelines? Just scream and say, oh, yeah. I think he tried to drink the pool. Yeah. Looks like he was at least half successful. Side of a barn man. That guy, he wouldn't have to swim.

He just jump in and displace all the fucking water. Maybe his wife was a baby And he just left her in the tub To go answer the door or something Like what happened? I'm really curious about this now Well me too But that's all I know

Huh Yeah that's interesting So What happened with the shit my dad says It eventually got knocked off the air And these guys are happy Yeah they're happy It got canceled

The show got canceled But yeah that's that Parent Television Council They used to have more pull with Congress and legislation, but I'm so glad the television is finally going away this dying medium

it's in its death now and people are moving towards the internet where these shitty organizations like a parent television council which they have no power. Yeah, they have no power they're trying. They're trying with every ounce they can

and guess how they're doing that? Nepotism. Yeah, they got buddies in Congress, they got senators under their belt. Yeah, yeah. Weren't you saying one episode that like Netflix takes up 30% of internet traffic and you had a problem with that.

Something like that, yeah. But then it seems like it's defeating problems like this, putting everything on the internet where it's like the Wild Wild West. No, I don't have a problem with Netflix using up bandwidth. Like if people are moving towards Netflix at the sake of TV, traditional television, I'm okay with that. The problem I had with that specifically was that this 4K resolution is giving us resolution that our eyes can't even perceive,

and that's what's taking up the bandwidth. Yeah. Yeah, we don't need 4K resolution. my friend. So why does this tactic that they do with the robocalling? How does it possibly work? Like who's sitting there getting automated complaints and saying, well, I guess we better do something about it. I got all these automated complaints. Oh, I'll tell you what, because then some lobbyist group will look at the statistics and not delve into it and they'll say, oh, well, we receive 1.3 million complaints or we received 3 million complaints for the Super Bowl, so we need to do something about this.

they'll present that to their congressmen. The congressman, of course, is an idiot and a robot, and just getting money funneled in through these lobbyists. So they say, okay, well, our constituents are complaining about this. This is a big, big problem. How do they not know? Even I knew this. I know this before you brought it in,

that all they do is fake complaints. How does not everyone know this? It's selective blindness, Dick. They're having selective blindness to information. They don't want to see just so they can continue getting paid by these lobbyists. Have you ever been in Washington, D.C., by the way? Yeah, I've been there. Have you been to DuPont Circle?

I don't know what that is. DuPont Circle is kind of the central area where there's a whole bunch of restaurants and shops and things like that. There's a subway stop there. It's probably about five, ten minutes away from the White House. It's just right there. You can walk around the corner and get to the White House.

It's right next to all the action in Washington, D.C., very central commercial area. Almost every single restaurant there is a five-star restaurant just with through-the-roof prices. I've never seen anything like this. Get some good steaks there, I bet. You know what Dick, you can Because I've had some excellent, excellent food there

But you walk in and the menu items start at $80, $90, $100. I look at this and I think, this is not America. Who can afford this shit? Because you know who can? What do you mean? What do you mean? It's not America. That's not America.

Because it's pricey? You go anywhere else in America and you're not going to see those prices. What do you go to Beverly Hills? Walk up and down, Ruth Chris is right across the street from Morton's, isn't it? Beverly Hills is a tiny little pocket And by the way, you can get cheap meals in Beverly Hills. I don't see any of that shit in DuPont Circle. It's all fucking high-end restaurants.

Look, the number of restaurants in Beverly Hills where they have outrageous prices is, what, maybe like five, six? This is every restaurant in D.C. is like this. Okay. Every restaurant's expensive as shit. And this is not America. This is a different economy. The economy of scale here is totally different. This is more expensive than New York.

There's more expensive than San Francisco than Chicago. Every big city I've been to. This is insane. And you know why? Because lobbyists are paying for that. And Congress members are going to eat there. And senators are going to eat there. And they're getting paid from the Parent Television Research Council,

or the Parent Television Council, and all these other lobbyists, that's who's funding this. How do they get money? Oh, through donors. They send out flyers to their mostly Christian constituents. And dipshits who don't like dick in a box are writing checks to these buttholes so they can ruin the Internet. Yeah, Seth McFarlane had a really good comment about them a while back.

I'm just paraphrasing here, but he called them the worst human beings. and total dicks and just scums. Like they kind of are, right? You're just ruining everyone else's fun for no reason, really. You don't like bad words? Yeah, you're imposing your belief system onto other people. They had a huge problem with Nikki Minaj's new Anaconda video. I don't even know what that is.

Nikki Minaj came out with this video. It's actually pretty great. It's for a music video called Anaconda, and she mixes an old, like, SirMix-A-Lot song into it and talks about butts and whatever, and she's basically like twerking and showing off her ass, which is fake. She has a fake ass.

Oh. Yeah. And anyway, they have a huge problem with this. A huge problem with this sexually suggestive. And they didn't want it aired during the MTV VMA Awards. So who's there is watching for all? Who's their watchdog? Who's like the closet pervert?

Who's like spies all this stuff and then reports it? Is that how, do guys get caught in these circles doing stuff? And then they're like, oh, just researching. We hate it now. Let's get it off the internet. I got to watch it a couple more times first, though. Brent Bozell. That's the guy's name?

That's the guy's name. Yeah, he's a pretty far, a Christian dude. Hmm. Has a huge problem with us. I think he's doing God's work. God would want him to watch a lot of hours of tits and ass and dick in the box. Yeah. For the sake of us, for the sake of his flock.

Yeah. His sheep. Anyway, that's my problem, dude. Hey, I forgot. One thing I wanted to add to your celebrity tit problem. What? Do you remember Gawker Media? Do you remember a long time ago when the Hulk Hogan sex tape was released?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Here's something kind of interesting. This is an actual title from Gawker. It said, even for a minute, watching Hulk Hogan have sex in a canopy bed is not safe for work, but watch it anyway. Oh. Oh. So you're allowed to watch Hulk Hogan be naked, but not Jennifer Lawrence.

And here's the title they released for Jennifer Lawrence's sex tape. This is one in Jezabel, which is part of the Gawker Network, I believe. They said, did someone just leak nude photos of Jennifer Lawrence? Updated. And, of course, they're spreading it. Like, they're playing coy. Did someone? Oh, like, you don't fucking know?

Why don't you do some journalism? Why don't you answer your own question, you shits? And don't fucking report on it if you don't want the news story to spread so much. But, of course, they want the clicks too. Their righteous indignation. These hypocrites, they're still getting paid. They're making money about the nude photos indirectly. Yep, they're fucking hypocrites.

And here's another title from Gawker. This is also from Gawker. It says, a judge told us to take down our Hulk Hogan sex tape post. We won't. Great. That's an actual quote from Gawker. And then in the meantime, here's the one from Jezebel. Porn site won't take down J-Law's nudes until she proves she owns them.

So they had a huge problem with that. That's fair. But still, on the other hand, on the flip side, when Hulk Hogan sex tape came out, it's hilarious. Everybody laugh your ass off. Which, by the way, it was. Did you ever see it? Yeah, yes.

It was great. And that guy's fucking packing, too. Oh, it's just such bullshit, man. Yeah. It's such bullshit. Yeah. I don't even know what to do about it. Yeah.

Well, I guess nothing, because who cares? It's just tits and ass. You know what? If you guys seriously have a problem with celebrity nudes getting leaked, then next time it happens, don't comment about it, don't mention it, don't link to it, don't check any news stories about it. Go about your day like nothing happened.

because this is the Barber Striseand effect. It's spreading shit around way bigger than it ever would have had you just shut the fuck up about it. Yeah. That's why I don't... So I hate to mention this even now in this context, but that's why I don't talk about PETA anymore. You know, the animal rights...

I feel like they're dwindling. Like, I feel like everyone thinks they're a joke now. They are a joke. Even animal rights activists who contact me, I just say, I just have to mention PETA to them. And they just roll their eyes and they say, look, we're sorry about PETA. They're out of their fucking minds.

we don't want to be associated with them. Even animal rights activists don't even want to be associated with PETA. So don't talk about it. Just go on over to audible quadcast.com slash biggest and download yourself a book. Let's review the problems. Yeah. I had shitty road trip passengers

and Jennifer Lawrence's tits. And I had nepotism and the parent television council. Big big problems this week. So go to the website, The Biggest Problem in the Universe.com, vote on these. It's very important. And we will be discussing which one's one next week.

Yep. Thanks for listening. Thanks, guys.