The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 19

Episode Date: April 26, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe. I'm Maddox. With me is Dick Masterson. Hey, what's up, buddy? Happy to be here, as always. Great week. Great week for problems. Who won?

So last week, we had our second guest, Ryan Holiday. And the problems were... Cute, not as cute as Leah. Well, you know... I give it to him, but... Yeah. Coming as a straight guy, so... I like to think I could be objective about it, you know?

It's a handsome dude. Yeah. Your problem was... TSA. Yes. And believe it or not, that was the number one problem last week. Yeah, of course it was. Everybody hates the TSA.

Yeah. They're just a big old drain of money. Yeah, but what are you going to do? You know, I agree. I agree. I think I didn't come off as more agreeable last episode because I wanted to argue both sides of the argument, which I can. Why?

Why do you want to do that? Everyone hates that. Everyone hates the devil's advocate. It's not the devil's. It's that. think critically. You look at both sides of a debate and then you decide. Wrong. Okay. Thank you, Dick, for that very insightful.

That was Dick's version of this. Thanks. Awesome, Dick. Well, anyway, congrats you won. Fuck the TSA. Thank you. And fuck you for disagreeing with me, for arguing both sides. Yeah. Sorry for trying to be critical, a critical voice of a reason. You should be. All right, who won, who won? So, our guest's problem...

Can I accept on his behalf? No. Outrage porn, one, and I will be accepting on his behalf, so I win. Thank you, Oll, for voting, outrage porn as a big problem, which it is. This is something that I really struck a nerve with people. I guess. It's a problem on the Internet, though. It seems like as long as you stay off Facebook is not a problem.

I don't want to say that while I was here, but that's what it seems like. No, but he specifically mentioned how yellow journalism, like, way back in the day, kind of fueled some of the, what, the Spanish-American War and some of these other, like, The, the, the, the, memory. Mafia, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, a couple weeks ago. So that's kind of what fueled this, and that actually happened and had real-world repercussions back in the day.

And now we're seeing it again, except on a larger scale, because Internet media gets permeated that much quicker. Yep. Unplug, man. Just got to unplug. Fuck it. I get my news from just guys in the street, telling me what's going on. No, let me take that back. I only get news from what I see with my own eyes.

Oh, yeah? Is that weirder? Yeah. Yeah. Except what you see with your own eyes is just the drudge report. That's true. That's fair. All right.

Who won? Who won? Who won? Yeah, babies. Oh, fuck you. Babies won. A big problem. It is a weird problem.

Your weird problem with babies is what carried it to a victory because it was so fascinating to watch. No, people agree. Babies make everybody nervous. I'm a wreck around babies. I don't know what to do, and I don't want it to die on me. And it's expensive. Babies cost more than any TV, and it costs more... True. True, probably true.

And all of Maddox's problems have to do with, like, close familial relationships. Yeah, that's right. What did you have? Families, dogs, babies, and marriage. These are your biggest problems in the universe. Yeah, sounds like I'm sitting in the room with a couple of armchair psychologists. Another big problem, but I'd like to engage in that. Yeah, you guys are engaging in all sorts of armchair psychology.

All right. Do we have comments this week? I do. I do. This one's from Clayton Passick, and he's quoting you, Dick. He says, Maddox, you have serious road rage. I said that. Yeah, you said that. And then he says, then Dick proceeds to take down a McDonald's drive-thru with his car. I was for a couple episodes ago when he came back from Burning Man. First of all, it was a private property. So it's not on the road

It's not on the road, okay It's just assault or vandalism So would you say that's What kind of rage is that? Private rage? No, I wasn't even that enraged by it I was very calm You know, like Hannibal Lecter

I just calmly explained The McDonald's people That if I didn't get food I would drive my car Through the drive-thru And then I did it Yeah, you are a road rage I didn't use my horn once

Oh, what a bozo. Hey, we got some voicemail. Cool. This may actually be paying off. Here's the first one. Voice mails are stupid and dick is an asshole. Great show, guys. All right.

Leave your name next time, idiot. So you can take credit for that. No, he doesn't need to. That's timeless. You know what? They should chisel that into the tomb of the unknown soldier. That's how timeless it is. I'm an asshole and voicemails stupid.

VoiceMails are stupid and dick's an asshole. Nailed it. Yeah, nailed it. And we got another voicemail. Here's number two. Hey, Dick. How come you're so anti-cyclist if one of your biggest problems is that everybody needs to lose 20 pounds, you fucking moron?

Yeah, Dick, you fucking moron. You know that I didn't take that guy seriously until he called me a fucking moron? Oh, yeah, he's serious. When he calls you, when you say the FM, yeah, totally. Seriously, yeah. The reverse of the MF. Uh-huh. Do you lose weight cycling?

I don't think so. Yeah. I don't think cardio burns weight. You're looking at the results of losing weight through cycling. I rode my bike everywhere. You didn't change your diet? Let's talk. Let's talk working out for a little bit.

Hey, it had something to do with it. You changed your diet. You got to get that core going. You got to work out, man. You've got to lift some weights. That's how you lose weight. Dick, you got to stop eating. Dick, when we ride bikes, when we've ridden bikes in the past,

You are dead last in the pack. Because you don't ride bikes at all. No stamina. No riding over here. Yeah, I feel really uncomfortable like jamming elbows and handlebars with people when I'm riding bikes. Jamming elbows in it. You don't need to because you're dead last. You can't.

I don't know what to tell you. I don't get it. Yeah. It does help lose weight. And that would solve your, everybody needs to lose 20 pounds problem. I never see fat people cycling because you know what? They don't stay fat. They can't.

Cycling? And you know what? I can't even stay drunk when I'm cycling. I sober up after a couple blocks. And that's how I feel about driving. Dick, get off the road. You got a problem this week? Can I go into the problems now? You got more comments? Yeah, do it. Go ahead. My first problem is fireball cinnamon whiskey, quote, unquote. I'm quoting the, unquote, because it's not fucking whiskey.

Yeah. This is actually an intervention for you. Uh, oh, this is, this is an ambush, I'm leaving. I'm, that's what it is. No, I hate this, uh, this so-called whiskey so much, and I don't really know why. It's so good. You hate old things that are good. Maybe so, maybe I do hate good liquor, but it just, it really fucking annoys me, man. Why? Why?

It's partly because it's not whiskey. It's whiskey. No, it's not. It's a liqueur. Here, I, I, I actually found out what it was. It's a, uh, da-da-da-da. Hopefully I wrote it down. It is a cinnamon-flavored whiskey-based. What the fuck does that mean?

Whiskey-based liqueur. Yeah, it's based on a... You know what else is like a liqueur? Snops. Yeah. Not whiskey. Well, no one's drinking schnaps because that stuff sucks. That's what fire...

I think that's what Fireball Cinnamon Whiskey is. You know why it's its own thing? Why? Because you don't mix it with anything. It's perfect the way it is. It's already mixed with a shitload of sugar. That's what it's mixed with. Is it sugar?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, no, it's got... Where, I wrote that down, too, man. It's got a ton of sugar in it. It's got, like, 11 grams of sugar a shot, or something like that. Hey, you eat a can of yoplai yogurt. That's got 12 grams. What are you going to do?

Hold on, I'm looking for it. It's got no, yeah, 11 grams of sugar per shot. That's what it's mixed with. Per shot? Per shot. That's what I've got on the sheet here. That means I'm cutting down from the sugar I normally eat. Compared to zero with actual whiskey and bourbon.

But it's all carbs. It's only going to turn to sugar anyway. You just can't taste it as prominently. Look, I just hate it. I hate that it exists, and I want everyone to hate it, and it annoys me that people drink it. Because it's not fucking whiskey. You're drinking, you're drinking, uh, zimas.

That's bullshit. So that's egregious. I'll tell you, my... And I'm going to spend this episode trying to convince you to hate it, too. Oh, dick, but I love it so much. Here's why. First of all, it's spicy. It's one of the few spicy things

That you can drink without looking like an asshole Because if you're at a bar at night Drinking a Bloody Mary You're a dick I have done that Yeah Like some jerkoff Oh who's that jerkoff over there

With a fucking vegetable tray in his drink And olives and whatever The hell they put in there It's a hamburger in a Bloody Mary sometimes Yeah yeah I've seen it I've been in those crazy places Those are fun for brunch They're fun for day drinking

But at night at a bar You're an asshole If you're drinking a bloody mary sometimes You're just an asshole. Yeah, I think part of it is that I feel like this Fireball cinnamon shit is also just a gigantic marketing campaign. Maybe, but let me tell you my story with Fireball. The first time I ever got introduced to it was through an ex-girlfriend. She came home and she said, hey, I tried this incredible new thing.

You might like it because you love spicy things. And I love cinnamon. Cinnamon's a great... I put cinnamon in everything and it's awesome. I eat so much cinnamon that I sweat it out of my pores. I just smell like cinnamon all the time, which is great. It's awesome. Everybody loves it.

People strangers stop me on the street tell me how good I smell. So I tried the cinnamon whiskey, and I decided, the first time I ever tried, I decided, you know what? I'm going to drink a little bit of this every day for the rest of probably my life. And I kept to it for about two months. I drank a little bit of cinnamon whiskey every day. I want you to drink real whiskey instead, though. I do. I drink that too.

You know, Jameson. I love that stuff. All right. Yeah, it's great. I want everybody to do that. then and stop drinking this shit. Yeah, no, but the cinnamon whiskey's so good. It's a good sipping whiskey.

And I get, I get upset. It's not even whiskey, it's a lique, stop calling it a whiskey. It's a cinnamon-based lique. Whiskey-based, you know it's not whiskey-based? What? Whiskey. They don't put whiskey-based on a bottle of wild turkey. It just says bourbon.

Hey, what do you get? What's the alcohol content? 66-66 proof. What is it, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, yeah, because what basically designates something a liqueur is a certain alcohol range. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah, because whiskey and stuff is going to be, like, for instance, bourbon has to be a minimum of 80 proof. That's a minimum of 40% alcohol.

Also has to be bottled in Bourbon County, Kentucky, right? Yeah. But otherwise it's just, you know, it's American whiskey. But yeah, yeah, yeah, no, there's certain criteria for how they classify, you know, spirits are things like gin and... That's what it is. That's no, you're stumbling on it, because they got to call it bourbon, because it's from Bourbon County. They're calling this whiskey and it's not fucking whiskey. No, they have to call it a liqueur just like Southern Comfort. People, for some reason, think that's a whiskey. Also gross.

It's a liqueur because it has a much lower alcohol content. Yeah, Sean's right, I just looked this up. It says here that liqueurs have much higher proof rating. 200 proof means 100% alcohol. So they have usually like a 40. So it's higher than that. 66% you said, right? No, no, no.

66 proof. It means 33%. Which is 33%. Yeah. A proof is twice the number of the alcohol by volume. So it's a 33 proof? It's a light, it's whiskey light, basically. Yeah.

Whatever. It tastes delicious. You know, you can add whiskey to whiskey. Why don't you just add more whiskey to it? Add whiskey to, I don't want it to taste like a pop-melted popsicle when I'm drinking. I want it to burn. You know, it does burn, and it's a good sipping whiskey, and it pisses me off when people do fireball shooters. Because it has so much flavor.

You don't shoot that shit. What do you, you shoot hamburgers? Huh? No, you take one bite at a time because you want to say. The flavor. Isn't that a slider? Yeah, slider. You don't just shoot them.

You don't swallow them whole. You chew it and you still air out in your mouth. But people do shots of fireball whiskey like it's going out of style, especially chicks. Hell, let's do fireball shots. I'm like, no. You know what, cancel. Bar-tender, cancel all these drinks. We're going home.

Yeah. Good. I agree with that. Yeah. So you're going to drink it on the rocks and you're going to sip it and you're going to contemplate your life. I'm not going to drink it at all because it's just sugar water. It's not, you know, I think it is, I think it's, I want people to be grown up when they're drinking. Oh, tell me all about being a grown up when you're drinking, dick.

Look, look, when I brought, I decided to bring this in because I want to bring in problems that piss me off, right? Yeah. And I'm giving you my honest reason why. It's got something to do with me thinking that these people need to grow the fuck up and drink a real whiskey. Like, you can't have it, you can't be halfway. You can't half grow up. You can't half be pregnant. You put the sugar water down with your other kid stuff.

You grow up, you be a man, you drink 80-proof whiskey. You know what, Dick? I think this is, there's two things going on here. First of all, this is a diet thing. You just don't want to eat too much sugar in your diet. I also don't want to get the hangover. I'm going to lose weight. You don't get a hangover because here's the thing, you don't drink enough fireball whiskey.

You don't slam fireball, and you don't drink it all night. You drink one cup of it over rocks, and that's it. And you just chill all the fucking night. You just sit down and contemplate your life. What's what you do? What do you drink one drink? No, a fireball. You don't drink more than one.

And then what? And then you move on to other drinks. It's a good starter or it's a good mid-drink. You never want to finish with fireball because then you might be dangerously close to shooting it. But it's a good in-betweener, especially if you kind of like want to chill out in between the heavy. You don't want to, you know, Dick, well, you drink with a purpose. and that purpose is being drunk. Some of us drink...

Yeah, mostly, yeah. Some of us drink to reflect. That's the same thing. What do you mean? Dick, I feel like you've spent so much of your life drunk. Including today during this episode. You just have not stopped drinking since launch this episode. Look, here's an actual problem with this.

I think this is going to... What if it starts infecting other whiskeys? What do you mean? It starts infecting other whiskeys? Other, like, what if Maker's Marks is like, oh, man, we got to get in on this cinnamon craze. Let's just add cinnamon to all our shit. Oh, great. And it'll make makers drinkable.

Ah! I can lose it. What's that, what's that, what's that? Like Tennessee, that honey, who's doing the honey whiskey now? It's, uh, Jack. Jack does the honey whiskey. Yeah, man, no, no, no, no, no. I see that on the shelf.

I'm like, ah, no, no, no, go away, go away, go away. It tastes like syrup. It's pretty good. Hey, Dick, what's that, what's that motor oil you like to drink? the Johnny Walker Black? Yeah, I like Johnny Walker Black. Garbage. It just tastes like...

It is always great. It tastes like somebody put a sock over a muffler and then put that, like, just put it in with some cheesecloth into a bottle of whiskey. Okay, let me give my version of Johnny Walker Black. Let's hear it. It tastes like a beautiful woman is smoking a cigar on your lap and then blowing it into your mouth. Oh.

That's Johnny Walker Black. I like like half of that. You lost me half. I think that is quite possibly the greatest description I have ever heard for scotch. Thank you. Wow. You know, it sounds like Sean wants to sit on your lap and blow a cigar smoke in your mouth. If he promises never to drink fireball cinnamon whiskey, I'll let him.

Sean, I was going to buy you a shot of fire, I was going to buy a drink, a fireball whiskey drink tonight? It's not a shot. What do you call that? What do you call just a drink, right? Yeah, a glass of. A glass of fireball whiskey. Of lique. Of lique.

Of lique-based decor. No. No more. It's not a liqueur. It's a whiskey-based lique. What do you mix it with? Nothing. You don't have to mix liqueurs. You don't make schnaps.

No, they've watered it down to everything is cut to a specific proof. Unless you buy something called barrel strength or cask strength. Yeah. Which is usually much higher. Yeah, it's much higher alcohol content. But yeah. So they take whiskey and then they water it down and fill it with, you know, the other additives to make the flavor to get a very specific proof number. That's why they can get it batch after batch.

I just want cinnamon-based drinks. I drink cinnamon tequila, and that shit's great, too. I love cinnamon. Dude, do you even understand the process? Like, when you try, like, cake-flavored vodka or Coke-labor vodka? No, I don't drink cake-flavored vodka? Whatever. I buy that because it's cheap, and I go to parties of people that I hate and give it to them.

It's like, I drink their good stuff. Look, we all do. We all do that. However, do you know how they flavor that? Do you know how they infuse the flavor into the vodka? Yeah, they take a horse, and they give it a vodka enema, and then they have it shit into a bucket and then they pour that into vodka bottles

with a picture of cake on them so retards buy it. That's ridiculous. You know, Dick, I don't, I blame myself for asking a rhetorical question. I should never ask, I needed, like, after it's fucked up. What, 19 episodes now I need to learn to never ask a rhetorical question.

So the way they infuse whiskeys and vodkas and things is they take whatever they're trying to infuse it with, like say put it in a cheese cloth, because you can do this yourself, and then just put it inside the alcohol if you wanted to taste like birthday cake. You take some birthday cake, put it in a cheesecloth, put it in the bottle, and leave it there for a month, and it infuses the flavor.

It doesn't pick up any of the sugar and thing. It just picks up the flavor, the essence of whatever you're infusing it with. You can do that with cinnamon. You can do that with baysal. You can do it with all mint, all sorts of different herbs and stuff. So if you want your alcohol to taste that way, you just infuse it. That's all it is. You think that's what they do?

I think they use chemicals. Well, probably in huge batches, but that's one way to do it. So you're not necessarily... Look, Fireball Whiskey's probably too cloying for most people, for you, apparently. Clawing, what do you mean? Too sweet. Yeah? Yeah, it's way too sweet.

Yeah. It's just, I just don't like it. I don't like that it exists. I don't like the whole thing that it's about. Hey, Dick. I don't like that it's the new Yeager and people are not just saying like, what are you drinking? Uh, Yeager 2.0? Well, good for you.

Go away. Yeager is like Robotussin. How dare you compare the two? By the way, Yeager is the last thing I remember drinking every time I black out. And three out of the four times I've ever blacked out in my life, dick, has been with you. Yeah. Because you're a shitty, you're a shitty drinker. You're drinking wrong.

What? Yeah, you're trying to drink. I'm a shitty drinker. You're drinking the wrong way of, you're doing it, you're going about it wrong. You go, you drink to black out. I will fucking fight you. You drink to blackout. I drink to have a good time, to just enjoy and be social.

It's not my goal to black out and throw up. Whereas I feel like it is for you. Look, get yourself a bottle of Johnny Walker Black and a bag of atomic fireballs. Just do that for a while, and you tell me that's not better. And then eventually stop putting the fireballs in and just have the Johnny Walker Black. You know what? I would say do the exact same thing,

except instead of a bag of fireballs, get a revolver. Put that in your mouth and see which one tastes better. I guarantee the revolver smoke will taste better. You know what, Dick? You sound like a fucking, you sound like a feminist right now. Do I? Yeah, all those people, all those people who are outraged about the Spider Woman's ass cover, hey, there's a real simple solution, just don't buy it.

So it's there, and you don't have to buy it. So what if people like to drink it? Because you're talking about it. They're talking about it. They won't stop talking about it. Maybe because it's so good, maybe that's why. It's not good. I got in a fight with a girl at a party who was really interested in me,

and I decided right then and there that I was foregoing any potential possibility of ever hooking up with this girl and I was fine with that because she said she does shots of fireball and I put my foot down

I gave her the hamburger example Why is that? Why do you not like shots? The fireball? It's a waste of the fireball every little drop of that stuff is packed with cinnamon goodness. It's so good. Oh, because you get it down faster.

Yeah, you don't do shots either. I'm with you and not doing shots. Yeah, shots are, what are you doing? I'm not here to race. I'm drinking a drink. Settle down. Where do you got to be in such a hurry? Yeah. Where do you got to be in such a hurry that you got to get there drunk? You know what that reminds me? I went to this festival with a girl and she grabbed a bottle of fireball cinnamon whiskey to drink it was like a bluegrass festival and she was passing it around all night with all of her friends. She was like, you want some? You want some? I was like, no, no, I don't drink that shit. Turns out she got mono and I didn't. So I think she got mono from...

Cinnamon Fireball Whiskey. You know, she didn't get it from Cinnamon Fireball Whiskey, you dick. I don't know. No, she didn't. That's a verifiable fact. They don't put mono in that shit. So rather than this be... Yeah.

Why are you hanging out with people who have mono? Yeah, you don't know. Do your problem. Yeah, my problem. Let's get to my problem. I think that's a big problem, and people will agree with me. People will not agree. It's another horseshit problem.

There's a whole culture around. around it. Yeah. A culture of cool, cool people. Cool people drinking fireball. Okay, here's a real problem. Flat tires. Huh?

Yeah. Sean's nodding already. I already got him. Tune in next week. Yeah. So, flat tires, huge problem, right? Let me ask you this. So, radial tires were invented around

1946, 1948. They're always going flat. Why, in 2014, are we still using this outdated, ancient-ass 70-year-old bullshit technology. Well, I don't. I have run flats. What are those? Explain run flats.

You puncture them and they don't go flat and you can drive on them. Yeah, that's in theory. They got like a bladder system. Yeah, but you get a deep enough gash and they're still going to go flat. What, if someone takes like a hatchet to your car, or you ram it into a curb? Yeah. Of all the people I know who might risk getting a hatchet in their wheel, it's you. You're at the top of that list with some of the chicks you dated. They do. They do work, though.

Like I have Yeah, I've run over screws And the little sensor comes on It says you gotta drive to To a, you know, repair shop Yeah, and then you still have to go to a repair shop You still got to that thing passed Well yeah, but you don't have to put on a spare tire

I guess But you know, that's just gonna get you so far It's just, it's saving one interim step Uh, yeah You know, I don't use, I don't use run flats Because A, I didn't know they existed And B No, I mean, I've heard of it

There's like some goo you can buy too. You can fill your tire full of goo. But this is like these actually work. I don't know if that goo shit works. Like they're like it's like a science chamber system of bladders and air and you pop one and like the pressure seals it off. I don't know. Oh so it's

kind of like the way a bladder system works in a ship say like the Titanic right? So that you puncture one bladder and it's not supposed to feel. Listen to me you smug motherfucker. I'm telling you that it works and you would love them. So what? Are we still using radial tires? Why are we still using bullshit ass

radial tires and bikes, in cars, in trailers, and diesels. Because you know what? There's already a technology that exists as far superior. They're called twills. Have you heard of these? You know what twills are? No. So the name comes from a tire and a wheel.

And it's this radial tire. It's this tire they made, Michelin invented. They invented in 2005. And it looks like it's kind of like almost like a hubcap. Like it's transparent. You can see through. There are holes in it. Do you have a picture?

No, I'll post one on the website, but it's kind of a criss-cross matrix of spokes and weird things, and it's this awesome tire that doesn't have air in it. What does it have? Nothing. It's just this rubber? It's just this rubber and this, I believe it's like some kind of, oh, it's a cable-reinforced bands of conventional tire that are energy-absorbing.

So they were invented in 2005, and we still don't have them on the market. Why? The tire? Well, so, I have a theory. How do we have Tesla's, and we don't have? have these awesome tires. Yeah, these tires are incredible. They've started to experiment with them on military vehicles

because they have really high tensile strength. And if it gets damaged, you can replace the individual spokes that get damaged. These things, they look like almost like a Chrysler wheel. Like the Chrysler hubcaps, you know, with the criss crosses, almost like spokes. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, looks kind of like a spokes. Like an interlocking lattice of spokes. Exactly, yeah. Oh, really?

Yeah, it's pretty cool. Yeah, it's really cool. You don't have a video? There are videos on YouTube. You can't pull up a video? Somebody pull up a video. I want to see this thing. Just, just YouTube.

YouTube twill, or maybe Sean's pulling one up. So here are, here's some of the... Name sucks. Stupid name. Well, I think that's just kind of like the, that's just kind of what the slang is for a nickname. So they have calibrated directional stiffness. Yeah.

Dick. And then they have flex under load. So they kind of, you know, they flex under load. And they have high lateral stiffness and low vertical stiffness. So that means... That's what you got to look for in a woman, man. all those things. Jesus, dude.

It reduces hydroplaining. Chicks don't do that. Chicks increase hydroplaining. They last two to three times longer than conventional tires. And here's another advantage. The tread around it, like the rubber tread,

can be replaced as opposed to replacing the whole tires. So it's almost like those truck, those diesel wheels that have those treads around them. So you see them like, that tear off on highways. Yeah. They have treads like those

that can be easily replaced. Where the fuck are these things? Yeah. It doesn't require air pressure sensors, so you don't need that bullshit that you have in your car. Mine are all broken, by the way. Of course. They always break. It's another thing that's just got to break.

So you get rid of those because you don't even need to check the pressure in all four tires to make sure they're equal. So there's no air? It's just like a metal wheel with rubber all around it? Yeah, it's not metal exactly. And it doesn't require, yeah, so it doesn't require pressure sensors. It's just a lattice of just cables that kind of intertwine each other. It's just, it's a hallmark of engineering. These things are brilliant.

So why don't we have them? Exactly. Why don't we have them? You don't know? No. No. Well, so this came out in 2005. They last two to three years longer than conventional tires.

So who stands to lose out on that? All the tire companies. All the tire companies. And guess who invented it? Michelin. So here's a picture of the twiel I pulled up. It just looks like a lattice, right? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. And we'll be posting this on the website. But, yeah, these twos... What do you think they're in, like, a conspiracy to withhold them? No. So they can keep selling shitty flat tires? Yeah, I don't want to sound like a conspiracy dip shit.

That kind of sounds like a conspiracy dip shit. Yeah. I mean, they look reasonably cool. And that looks cool. Yeah. I'll rock that. It looks better than my Persian racing tires. Yeah, pretty cool, bro.

So we have these... This technology exists, and we're still not using them. We're still dealing with this flat tire bullshit. Yeah, but what was your... You said you had a theory on why we don't have them. Well, just that. They last longer. It's possible that car companies haven't brought them out

because they don't want to deflate their own market. Yeah, you think so? Yeah, they might not want to. How much are they? Don't know, because they're not on the market. Yeah, I bet they know, though. Of course they know. They got to be cheaper.

So they last two or three times longer. I don't know. They don't got to be cheaper. What if they're really expensive? Okay. I'll explain it. Yeah, but manufacturing costs go down with every new technology. Yeah, but that's like the light bulb that lasts forever.

Like, they've definitely made a light bulb that lasts forever and found that it's too expensive and no one will buy it. What's this based on? Nothing. It's a story that I heard. Here we go, of course. It's just a thing that I heard one time from a guy. Sure, a guy, yeah.

From one of your news sources that you saw with your eyes? Yeah. The Drudge Report. It's a good explanation. Yeah. we're still dealing with this ancient, ancient technology. So this is from the New York Times. They said they were talking about this.

The tire, this is another type of tire. This isn't the twill I'm talking about. This is another type of tire. It's from an article titled, A tire that evolves as it wears. Michelin has developed a tire that counters the effects of wear with channels that grow wider and hidden rain grooves that emerge as the tire is used,

along with special rubber compound for wet conditions. Michelin says that the tire, the Premier A slash S, that's the name of the tire, reduces stopping distances in wet conditions, and when worn, better resist hydroplaining, skating on a thin cushion of water compared with conventional tires. So this technology exists as well.

This article came out last year. These new tires are coming out all the time. We're still using the same horse shit in our cars. Something's got to be wrong with them. Like plebes, like a bunch of Luddites. Yeah, I don't think it's a corporate conspiracy. Well, so I read this a long time ago. This was probably straight up conspiracy,

but a lot of oil companies I heard were buying patents for clean burning engines and more efficient engines. I don't buy that shit. Because then I read the patents and it's always like, here's the steps on how to reproduce this technology, whatever. And step 11, cram a bunch of magnets in it. Okay, there we go. You know what, Dick?

Here's why I believe that there's some credence to these theories is because TV companies' studios do this all the time. They buy shows, and this is something people who are listening might not know, but they buy shows all the time that they don't intend to produce ever. They'll pay top dollar for it and they'll outbid another company just so the other company doesn't have something. Yeah. So you don't think that tire companies might do something like this?

They might create this technology. So why aren't they coming out with this? No, because there's something else wrong with it. Like I think if Michelin invented that tire and it was actually good, beyond like a press release saying how cool it is, they would just push it forward because then they would make a shitload of money

having invented something that none of the other tire companies did. Well, there is to be the devil's advocate to argue both sides. I did read one of the drawbacks. I did read it. You know, they don't even use that guy for the popes anymore.

You know that phrase comes from? What? Devil's advocate? What? So back in the day, when they were picking a new pope, one of the cardinals or bishops or whoever... whomever they are that pick the Pope, would have to play the devil's advocate and argue against that guy. Good.

Yeah, well, they all hated that guy so much because everyone hates the devil's advocate that they stopped doing it. Oh, let's just stop listening to the one dissenter. Let's all invade Iraq, because that's what happened there. They didn't listen to their dissenters. They just kicked them out of the room. Oh, no counter argument? Okay. That's like kicking out the guy, the one guy at your wedding who says,

do you have an objection to these two people getting married? You want that guy there. Let's hear it. Let's air out all the grievances. You know what? You should start doing that at every wedding you go to. What, be the guy? Yeah, if you say, I'm being the devil's advocate, what is the problem here? I'm just, I'm just voicing a reasonable objection.

Surely you can logic your way out of this during your wedding. I'm sure everybody will appreciate me for being so forthright and candid. I think you actually should. That would be funny. That would be a funny tradition. And useful. It might help save some people from the heartbreak and agony of a divorce. Because if you're standing on the altar, you have one last minute to change your mind. And I might be that guy to help. help them, huh? The hero. Hero Maddox. Promise me you'll do that someday. Sure.

Object at a wedding. All right. Really? I really want you to promise it. Well, if you ever invite me to... I'll promise to do it, too. Okay. Doesn't mean as much when I promise it, doesn't it? Nothing means anything. Guess who's wedding? He's going to object to. Yeah. What, ours? Are you proposing to me?

No, it's going to be yours. Shiny can sit on his lap and blow smoke in his mouth all the whole afternoon. That honestly... That's making me thirsty for Johnny Walker. That description makes me miss drinking so much. Oh, barf. And a cigar? Cigars smell like dog poop.

What the fuck? Yeah. Some of the scotches are smoky in a good way. Oh, yeah. Like smoking a cigar versus smelling a cigar, because I agree with you that... Anyway. You guys grossing me out so hard. Hey, so, Dick, to finish my point, may I?

To play devil's advocate, I did read one drawback. to the system. Well, a couple. One is that there is a lot of vibration. Pretty big problem. Is it? Yeah. Just get over it. It vibrates. Your car vibrates. So what? So hard that it goes through time or goes through the road?

How hard is it vibrate? It will shake apart your car. All that stuff loose them is up. It destroys your car so that a gigantic class action lawsuit gets filed against Michelin. That's a big problem. Well, and the other problem supposedly is it makes a lot of noise. So, but that was in the first

generation. They've since solved these problems, and we still don't see these tires on these wheels on the road. I don't know. They do look cool. Yeah, they look cool shit. And you're driving on a pure bed of science, a cushion of science. I feel like I'm doing that right now. What, with your Persian racing rims? Oh, damn it. Yeah. Yeah, you got me again. All right, my turn. Yep. The, I actually, uh, I think this is a good one. I don't know how you're going to feel about this one, though. All right. Redskins controversy. Which is what?

It's football season, as you know. What is football? Football, as you call it, is a game where millionaires throw a ball around. Yeah, millionaires throw a ball around. You're watching a bunch of sweaty millionaires throw a ball around. Wow, let's give millionaires more attention. So anyway, let's hear this football problem you have. So the Washington Redskins found themselves in a bit of a predicament with their little

racist name that they got there. Some representatives from some tribes got together, sued them because it's offensive, because the term Redskins is offensive to them. And ever since this started, it's been like every year that's all I hear about. Every year, it's like there's this undercurrent of, oh, Redskins is offensive, got to change it. Redskins is offensive, got to change it. They got their trademark revoked.

The team got their trademark revoked by. the FCC, they appealed it, and they said, absolutely not. Okay. Yeah. A bunch of senators came out and called them all scumbags. Let me find the quote. The people, he called the Washington Redskins scumbags? He called specifically Snyder, the guy who owns them.

He called him a scum, basically a scumbag for not changing the name. Let me find the... So all these white senators, white old-ass senators are very, you know, offended by the term Redskins. Why does their race come into it? What does that have to do with anything? the race of the senators because I don't think they have

if anybody has a right to be offended by it whether they are or not it's Native Americans yeah right a bunch of asshole senators I don't think have a say in this

it seems opportunistic it's very opportunistic and by the way it was just it was 50 Democrats who signed this thing saying you should change it they didn't invite any Republicans to sign it

is like okay Because Republicans aren't for it. Republicans don't give a shit. Either way. It seems very opportunistic. Sure. So, yeah, that's my problem. Are you familiar with the controversy?

I am. Yeah, I just, I was going to go through the whole thing, you know, without just steamroll over. No, this is for, you're definitely going to get steam rolled over. But this is for the benefit of the listener who's not up to speed, especially our international listeners. So now there's a huge cluster fuck. Right. Like, do they change the name? A lot of people love it, obviously.

I mean, a lot of Native Americans love the name. Like, it's part of, it's a bunch of other school mascots, too, like a bunch of high schools, a bunch of teams, they wear it with pride. The reason it's a problem to me is because I see it as politically correct bullying. I think the people who are behind this, including all these politician assholes who have them come forward to support them, I think it's a form of bullying. They're taking people who had no racist intentions, and they're bullying their bullying. into feeling guilty by swaying like the people who are just kind of like, I mean, I don't know,

should I feel uncomfortable about this? I don't really have a dog in this fight, so I don't know what to say, and most people will err on the side of being sympathetic to people who are offended. Dick, do you even realize that, first of all, intent has nothing to do with whether or not you're racist? You can be unintentionally racist. Of course, you can. And they are. You think they are. Okay, Dick, what if they wanted to honor, say, the heritage, of slavery in our country, and they created a team called the Washington Brownskins or the Washington Blackskins.

Would you be okay with that? Making it ridiculous? Why is that ridiculous? How's that different? Because that would never happen. That isn't the problem. The problem is not that. Like, immediately equating it to slavery is cherry-picking this issue, I think.

Because I don't think everyone's offended by this. I think a small bunch of people are offended by this, and they're making everybody feel like shit because of it. Just like the parents' television council that you brought in a couple weeks ago. I don't think this is like a universal opinion among Native Americans that they're offended

by this term. No, it can't be universal. I'm sure. So I argued with a friend of mine recently about this very controversy, and he said that this isn't, this is something that politicians are used to drum up, whatever. I don't know what their aim is, what their angle is. Although

to be total cynic, and again, to argue both sides of, you know, to argue your point a little bit, actually recently used this as a platform and tried to earmark, I think, $70 million for tribal lands, something or other, along those lines. And this isn't, you know, but I'm not sure what exactly the angle is because, look, Native Americans aren't a huge population. The politicians angle. Like, why would they be championing this cause if they didn't studiously believe on some level, sincerely believe that this was... Politicians? Yeah.

They, I don't think they believe anything. I think everything they say is drawn from focus groups. The politicians that are coming out against this are saying it because they think their constituency also either is against it or can be swayed in that way. Right, but why would they care about whether or not their constituency is for or against it? Because they look like heroes. Well, yeah, I guess, but most people aren't Native American. Native Americans are small population in the United States. Yeah.

So, so. But everybody has an opinion about this. I guess. Some people, I mean, some people don't care, because at the end of the day, it's a bullshit-ass organization. What is? Government subsidies, the NFL. The NFL. They get government subsidies to create bullshit, and it makes cable costs more because of ESPN.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, these idiots. I remember your opinion on the NFL now. So what about the Chinese? The Chinese who came over to work on the railroads. Many of them weren't slaves. They just came over to work on the railroads. So what if Utah?

So, for example, Utah is where the Pacific Railway met what the other... Yeah, the Golden Spike. Yeah, the Golden Spike. A lot of Chinese people stayed in Utah because they were working on the railroads. Okay. What if Utah came out and said, you know what, we want to create the Utah Yellowskins to honor our heritage of Chinese railworkers. Are you being a devil's advocate now? No, I'm just being, I'm just, this is an exact analogy.

Yeah. That's not happening. Okay. That's what I would like. Everyone who takes these insane examples of like the crazy racist names we could give teams, That's not what we're doing. We're taking something that no one had a problem with. A couple people did, and they started hammering their agenda down everyone's throat.

You know, Dick, what about, like, Speedy Gonzalez? That guy's a Mexican stereotype, right? Not offensive. So what, if a couple guys come down saying, like, oh, you know what, we're Mexican, we're Latinos, we're very fucking offended by that. What are you going to do about it? Like, when does that stop? Do we lose that guy? Do we lose Speedy Gonzalez?

because a couple people are pissed off about it? No, Speedy Gonzalez is different because he's not, there are certain aspects of him that are stereotypically Mexican, but that's on you. If you're saying that that's a Mexican stereotype, then you're projecting. Because Andale, Andale, Areba? That is, some Mexicans say, I've heard Mexicans say shit.

Of course they do. So that could be one example of a Mexican, so he's a Mexican mouse who says shit like that. That's not a problem. What about slow poke Rodriguez, his cousin, who's the slowest mouse in all Mexico. Great. That's a very offensive Mexican stereotype.

But you know what? Fuck it. Because it's funny and it's not meant in an arm. Dick, also, it's one Mexican mouse. He's not saying all Mexican mice are slow and lazy. He's saying what is... This isn't even a Native American. It's a fucking football team.

Dick, a lot of our presidents in the past, including Teddy Roosevelt, is one of the most badass presidents, had said some incredibly racist shit. I believe I'm paraphrasing here, but he said, Teddy Roosevelt said at one point that nine out of ten Indians are better off dead or something along those lines, right? We don't lionize Teddy Roosevelt because of his racist bullshit.

No. We lionize him in spite of his flaws. And so as a nation, shouldn't we look forward and say, hey, we're a great nation. We still have a little bit of this shit we need to clean up. So you think this is shit we need to clean up then? You don't think that this is in any way possibly offensive towards Native Americans. I think it's obviously offensive towards some of them.

Right? Yeah, that's it. That's what I see. Obviously offensive. And obviously, a huge source of pride for some of them. I don't think it's the same as other races. Like the way that people are like, no, it's very, you just don't understand.

Imagine if you had the Washington brownskins or Washington browns or black skins. See? It's obvious now. It's not obvious because this is not like a racial slur. I've never heard this. In a whole lifetime, I've never heard this being used as a specific racial slur. Okay, Dick, let's go through a simple cost. You've never heard people use a racial slur as redskins for Native Americans?

Not really. Not as like a given racial slur. I have. I have. My friend married a Native American, his wife is Native American, and his dad was kind of like, he was like, okay with it, kind of. But he's also old school racist, so he kind of made some snide. comments about redskins. He also said, this is an actual quote. He said,

oh yeah, my son's marrying a wagon burner. I'm like, what? Okay, that is obviously a racist term. Oh, and red skin is not? Are there, is there skin red? It's not. I don't know. No. I mean, kind of, isn't it? Isn't it? Everyone, if they get sunburned,

are you a red skin? Right now, I mean, I'm a little, I'm a little browner than white people, because I'm half Mexican. Look, you would never call a Native American a redskin, period. Of course not. Yeah. But yet somehow, the Washington, they're trying to say that this is representative of their Native American heritage, and they do it in a way. And by the way, the mascot is this grinning tooth, like stereotypical. He almost looks like a black face. No, that's the Cleveland Indians. Oh, okay. Oh, so is that wrong? Is that cool guy? Is he a problem, too? The Cleveland Indians mascot? Some people say. Yeah, some people say. Yeah. So where do we draw the line, dude? That's why it's bullying to me. It's a couple people who have a problem. They want to gin up some money for their.

precious fucking cause, so they're making us feel like shit. I've never thought that that was bad. The poor racists. Getting bullied by... Do you really think that everyone who likes... I don't think they're racist, and I don't think that... Okay, look, to be honest, I don't think that people who are defending the Washington Redskins are racist.

I don't think that's their intent. Okay. And I don't think that it's a minority of Native Americans who are offended that are just too PC. they've been trying to get this change for years and years. Yeah, but what's the number then? I mean, I guess that's what I really want to come down to. Yeah.

What is the percentage of people who are offended by it that we then say, all right, that's it. We can't do it anymore. Because that's what we're, I mean, that's basically, if it's 100%, obviously you've got to stop doing it. Right, right, right. If it's 0%, if it's 1%, fuck you. I think it's probably, it's probably a majority.

That's my guttip based on absolutely nothing. Is that the number then? is 51% people are offended by it, then we stop doing it? Well, I mean, possibly, yeah, if a majority of people are offended by it, and it's not just that they're offended, it doesn't even have to be, I mean, I don't know, man, it's just, it's one of those things where you're literally just characterizing a type of people by their skin color and creating just a stereotypical, what is their mascot, by the way, the Redskins? Isn't it like a tough-looking, like, warrior guy, let's pull it up.

I'll pull up the Redskins logo, yeah. All right. What does it look like? I'm imagining it's probably just a fenced off little reservation and an American, like, National Guard guy with a rifle. Oh, here it is. Okay, it is, it is a Native American warrior, it looks like. He's got kind of, he's kind of looking, it's almost like a coin. You know, like a wooden Indian coin?

Yeah, that's the one I thought it was. It's like a majestic warrior. It looks pretty cool. Full of pride and vigor and manliness. Look at that chin. It does look pretty cool. But also in one of the logos I just pulled up, he literally has a red face. I mean, I don't know why that's offensive.

Because you know where that stereotype comes from is that I believe that slur comes from Native Americans stereotypically not being able to hold their alcohol. See, you say slur. Oh, really? Yes. I don't think so, man, because I got a quote from sitting bull referring to, Starting right away, I am a red man. If the great spirit had desired me to be a white man, he would have made me so in the first place. It doesn't sound like he thinks it's a slur.

It sounds like he just thinks it's kind of the tint of his skin. Really? A big deal. When was Sitting Bull alive? Where did you get that quote from? Wikipedia. So suck on that. From a reliable source.

So Sitting Bull, based on his 1890s, maybe, 1920s. I'm just saying it doesn't sound like it originated as a slur. He's saying very spruly. specifically, I am a red man. But in that time and era, don't you think that it's possible that they could have used slurs based on the culture at that time?

I'm saying... To describe themselves? No. He wouldn't have started out this quote with degrading himself for being an alcoholic. He's just referring to his skin color. Well, okay, then...

Do you think that at that time, before, say, Native Americans encountered white colonists in colonialists in America, in the North America's. Do you think that they referred to themselves as redskins? No. They would have no reason to distinguish themselves from people who were not the same color as them.

They probably had lighter, darker. Sure. So where do you think this, do you think that this phrase originated with Native Americans or with white people? Probably on both sides. I think both sides probably said like, how are you going to describe those guys?

I don't know, they're a little darker than us. They're a little bit redder. Like, how do you describe those guys? they look white. Even though white people don't look fucking white, they look pale, but it's like kind of close. Yeah.

It's good description. How about just Native Americans? What, when they, you mean, when European colonists encountered? Yeah. Because it's longer to say. I don't know, man. What's the cost-benefit analysis here?

What, changing the name? Changing the name? Changing the name. What do you lose by changing the name? Dude, that's exactly the problem. So, like, nothing. You know what? Change your name.

Uh, people, some people wear it with pride. A lot of people love it, but change it because it offends people. All right, I guess so. Uh, look, Dick, I've been arguing with you for the last 10, 12 minutes, whatever. I honestly don't give a shit, it's the NFL. The whole organization's a waste of time. Throw it away. Throw the whole thing away. Cancel ESPN.

Let cable be cheaper. Everything would be better without football. So there you go. That's my rebuttal. Hey, by the way, Oklahoma is a chalk-ta word for red people. So I guess we should change that too eventually, right? I guess, Dick. If enough people bitch about it, or maybe just not give a shit that much about sports, because who cares?

All right, what's your problem? What's your problem? That's my, it's, you know, that's my problem. You got it. My next problem is AIDS. Speaking of red. What does that mean, speaking of red? Red ribbons.

Oh, yeah, that's right. Red ribbons is AIDS Foundation. I forgot because ribbons have been so. reappropriated by so many different organizations, yellow ribbons, pink ribbons, right? When I was a kid, red ribbons meant like anti-drugs, I think. No, no.

AIDS wasn't such a big thing, though. It was in the 80s. I mean, yeah, people got AIDS, but it was everybody. Yeah, it was dear, right? It wasn't that part of the Dair problem? Yeah, it was like Nancy Reagan and shit, the whole war on drugs. It was red ribbons at elementary school.

I remember that. Now we got yellow ribbons, support the troops. You've got the puzzle ribbon, support autism. You've got pink ribbons, support breast cancer. Too many ribbons. You got green ribbons now, which is some kind of a mental disorder awareness. So there's a lot of ribbons. Anyway, so you've got AIDS.

AIDS is a big problem. Okay. Right? Well, I think herpes is a bigger problem if we're going to go down the STD track. How many people die each year from herpes? I don't know. I'm saying close. I'm guessing under a couple hundred.

Maybe, is it herpes even lethal? I don't know. I'm not even sure. So AIDS, first of all, one and six people are living with HIV. Wait, wait, what? Yeah, globally. Globally, one in six? One and six.

Oh, man, is this going to be another female genital mutilation where I hear a bunch of numbers that seem outrageous and are actually true? Yes, except I'm missing a page of stats, so you won't get old. You want to pause it and get it? What's that? You're going to pause it and get it? You probably should. I'll just pull that real quick. So, I have some, yeah, it is one of those problems where you're going to have.

Terrifying stats. Terrifying stats. Another female genital mutilation. So since, I believe, 1981, when they first started the first cases of AIDS being reported, 36 million people have died since then. Because of AIDS. Because of AIDS. There's a lot.

Yeah. I don't think anyone's died because of the Washington Redskins name. That's true. That's true. Although many of their fans may have AIDS. Whatever. So in 1.6 million people died. of AIDS in 2012.

1.6 million. Okay. Dead. That's enough people to fill this room. According to the WHO, the World Health Organization in 2012, an estimated 2.3 million individuals worldwide were newly infected with HIV. That's a lot. Wait, in a year? In a year? Yeah. That doesn't seem like a lot.

2.3 million is a decent amount, dude. That 1 in 6 stat is going to be your money shot. That's a lot. people. Wait, that's right, though? There could possibly one in six, there's seven billion people. A billion people have AIDS? You know, that does seem

pretty high now. No, no, HIV, not AIDS. HIV, yeah. So it still seems pretty fucking high. Yeah, that's amazing. Yeah, well, I don't know. I don't know what to say. I don't know what's a say. So wear a condom. This is a... Well, wait a minute. What is it in LA? That's the stat.

I'm sure L.A.'s still on the the bell curve way off on this one. So this is from AIDS.gov, by the way, which by the, I didn't know there was a dot-gov for AIDS. I'm sure if no one did. Why is there an aides.gov? That's kind of weird. Anyway, so that's where those stats are from. That's a good piece of evidence that this is a big problem, though, that there's a dot-gov for it. Yeah, it is a pretty big problem. Although...

There's not a flat tires.gov. No. There isn't. And there isn't a Redskins.gov either. No. No. So, so why... You kind of see AIDS is kind of diminishing that. headlines. You don't say AIDS is big of a deal anymore. Yeah. It seems like one of those things where people get it's like, oh, all right, that's kind of a bummer, but they're not talking about as much as they used to. Yeah. It's still killing. You know how many people died from SARS?

Or, what was it? Bird flu? Bird flu? Like less than 10,000, less than 5,000 maybe? I'm surprised it's that high. Yeah. The more people die from just influenza. 33,000 people per year die from influenza. Well, there was that Dallas Biers Club movie. That was kind of like

an AIDS awareness thing also. I know. That was a ball about AIDS. It's pretty interesting, dude. The media only covers, like, the hot new diseases. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, AIDS is, like, kind of, it's 30 years old now, at least, so it doesn't get the day-to-day coverage in the headlines.

AIDS is a real mature killer. Yeah, that's, you got to see that movie. The Dallas Spires Club? Yeah. I don't know, man. It's just, I find a hard. Like a little bit of historical, a little bit of drama. Do you like that kind of thing?

Sure, sure. I liked American History X. That was cool. Yeah. You might like this, though. Yeah. American History X recently, if you haven't seen it, You should definitely go watch that movie.

It's really good. It's about racism, too. So you dig it, Dick. I'm sure everybody in that movie's a big Redskins fan. You can't say one fucking thing. All of a sudden, you're a racist. I'm just... No, I don't think that people are racist.

I think they're clinging on to some bullshit tradition because they just don't want their stupid, their precious team name change. And also, because all the fans have the merchandise already. They don't want to feel like assholes because they have all the shit. I mean, you know what's going to change it is when that merchandise stops selling.

It won't. Then they'll change the name immediately. I feel like it's the same people who have, it's the same kind of mentality of people who are afraid Obama's going to come after their guns so they go out and just start hoarding guns. So they're probably going to do the same thing with Redskins merchandise if there's any hope of that name changing. So the NFL's going to make money hand over a fist. How did you hijack my fucking problem? We're talking about AIDS. It's bullshit.

What is your problem with AIDS? Dick, what is your problem with AIDS? Great quote. Yeah. Other than it kills millions of people. Okay. Other than that, other than it costs so much money. How much does it cost? Do you know?

No idea. No, I don't have those stats handy. But it, I mean, it costs a lot of money, medical care. People who die from AIDS usually don't die directly from the virus, but rather something else they contract because of it, because it's an immunovirus. So it attacks your immune system and makes you more susceptible to other diseases. Sure. But do you know, here's something kind of interesting.

So where do you think AIDS came from? I think the government made it to kill gay people. Oh, well, well, well, Dick. I thought that was proven. A conspiracy dips hit. Actually, when I was... No, I don't think that, obviously. Well, it's interesting that you mentioned that

because there's a lot of different origin theories for AIDS, and there's nothing that people are completely settled on. So here's some of the theories. This one's called The Hunter Theory. So the most... Have you heard of this? The Hunter Theory? No. It's the most commonly accepted theory.

is that of the hunter. In this scenario, Simeon immunodeficiency virus was transferred to humans as a result of chimps being killed or eaten or their blood getting into cuts or wounds on the hunter. That seems pretty reasonable. Seems kind of plausible, right?

Yeah. And by the way, this is all according to this website, avert.org. And there's also... There's also this theory. It's called the oral polio vaccine theory. It essentially means, you know, during the polio vaccine theory.

vaccine during the polio vaccination campaign, some infected needles may have gotten people, but that doesn't really explain the origin of it. No. They think that maybe it could have been infected in the lab. There's also the contaminated needle theory, very similar because of disposable plastic syringes that someone may have picked one up from somebody infected. From a monkey? I guess.

Like the monkey was shooting up and then somebody grabbed it. Yeah. Well, monkeys own copyrights now. Huh? It's bullshit. And then there is the colonialism theory that Simeon immunovirus could easily have infiltrated the labor force and taken advantage of their weakened immune systems because of colonialism. They're enslaving people essentially and making them work in such drastic conditions that their immune system has been lowered that they contracted AIDS. Then there's the conspiracy theory, Dick.

Your first go-to. I love these conspiracy theories. They're so much fun. This one is fun. Listen to this one. Some people believe that HIV is a conspiracy or that, it is man-made. A recent survey carried out in the U.S., for example, identified a significant number of African Americans who believe that HIV was

manufactured as part of a biological warfare program designed to wipe out large numbers of black and homosexual people. See, that's what I was saying. You would say that. Can you just imagine how competent those people imagine the government to be? Oh, yeah. That would be so comforting to be able to lie in my bed and think that the government could manufacture and distribute aids in secret. Yeah. Like, it's just so comforting to know that these people are so powerful and competent out there that can do these things. They can do anything. They're basically like Ubermensch, or they have the ability to orchestrate the largest conspiracy in the universe in front of millions of cameras and witnesses and pull it off flawlessly.

And then have some armchair dipshit sitting in his chair at home. Yeah, he figured it out just by Googling documents. Nice one, idiot. While hiding the cure for cancer and flying planes into the world. World Trade Center. Yeah. Yeah. And not letting clean energy vehicles. And making every sporting event series go seven games for the network rating.

I have never, I would never feel that safe than I would feel if I was able to believe all these conspiracy theories. And of course, they're intense always nefarious. Nobody, none of these scientists are ever working for any good cure or disease or anything. They're always, you know, the government wants, they have like a super villain complex. They have a super villain fetish. That's what they are. Yeah.

They're fetishizing Superville. Meanwhile, like, all the rich people got rich by, like, making things that helped people. You know, basically, like, you might disagree. You might think, like, Windows is a pile of shit. It is. Yeah, but, like, Bill Gates made it so people could get more work done. Like, he did it to help people be productive. And help him make himself rich.

Yeah, yeah, but you hear what I'm saying. Yeah, I see what I'm saying. People get rich by trying to help. Yeah, they're making... Not by, like, these weird, convoluted schemes. Yeah, they're serving a demand. They're serving, they're creating a product. that serves a demand. There's a demand for that product, so it exists.

So this is from, again, from Avert.org, it says in February, this is the actual, the consensus about where AIDS came from, in February 1999, well, the closest thing to a consensus, in February 1999, a group of researchers from the University of Alabama announced that they had found a type of SIV, so that's a simian immunovirus, that was almost identical to HIV, HIV1. This particular strain was identified in a frozen sample taken from a captive member of the subgroup chimpanzees known as pan troglodytes. Did you know that was a subgroup of chimpanzees? No.

Pan troglodytes. You know what? I still don't understand why you guys defend monkeys so much. I knew it. I knew this was a backdoor problem for monkeys. I fucking knew it because you obviously don't know shit about AIDS. Yeah. This is just a backdoor problem.

You only know AIDS facts that have to do with monkeys. Yeah. Well, that's the reason that it's around, apparently. because they were, okay, so these monkeys, these pan-troglodytes were once common in West Africa, they claimed Go vote on monkeys, everybody. Vote on monkeys, vote monkeys, I keep telling you guys.

They claimed that the sample proved that chimpanzees were the source of HIV-1 and that the virus had at some point crossed species from chimps to humans. Their final findings were published two years later in the journal Nature magazine. So monkeys caused AIDS. Monkeys caused AIDS.

Now they're taking our copyrights, Which, by the way, Dick, several people have pointed out that monkey, monkeys owning copyrights, the monkey won in court. You're happy? No, I'm not happy. That was my problem. I'm talking to the idiots who voted down monkeys. Go to the website, vote up monkeys. Biggest problem in the universe.

Bigger than AIDS. Bigger than everything. I mean, I love about the monkey copyright. We already covered in another episode. But, like, so now, now this poor photographer finally got screwed out of his big, big, like, money-making picture. Like, his 15 minutes of fame. he's not going to get a dime for. What he learned in that is don't make art.

Like, he's not getting paid for it. He's not getting rewarded for it. He will not be able to do that with more money. Go make, produce more art. The world has less art in it because of this. Like, that's the moral of the story. The whole point of copyrights is to encourage people who hold them to keep making art. So you can make money off of your art.

And they've fucked them out of it. So we're all fucked out of this guy's future work. Yeah, it's people like you who voted down the monkeys problem. You guys just don't see the threat here, do you? You don't see the threat. You don't see monkeys coming after anything. You don't see monkeys. Monkeys are spreading the most deadly virus to humans.

I mean, maybe not the most, but it's up there, man. One out of six, that's a lot. Yeah, one out of six, apparently. I'm guessing like a lot of Africa has to be in that stat. Yeah. In those stats. And then the two other moms. Most populous continents are what, Indian and China, and not continents, but like, countries, India and China.

The continent of India and China. I was hoping you'd finish that before spotting it. I caught myself, dude. So, yeah, monkeys are the problem. And I, for one, am glad that some countries still view monkeys as a menace as a problem. Yeah, I'm fine with that. Have you seen Planet of the Apes? Yeah.

Yeah, think about that. I have. Think about that on your drive home. Think about what monkeys could do if they actually became intelligent. Hey, uh... Troglodytes. Speaking of AIDS, have I ever told you about... Did I ever tell you about the time I got an STD test at the, like, the AIDS Center?

No. Because it was free. Okay. Yeah. So I go in there, and it's like the gay and lesbian center. Mm-hmm. All right? This girl wouldn't have sex with me without a condom unless I had, so I showed her proof of an STD test.

Okay. Reasonable. Sure. So I did it. Yeah. So I go in there, and this guy, he's like, way over the top gay guy, Jose. It's like

going over the test parts with me. And I see this like chart of like the ways to have sex and how like how likely they are to communicate diseases. It's like a terrorist threat. It's color coded. Sure. So like the less dangerous ways

to contract sexual issues are like blue. Okay. The worst ones are like purple, right? And I think vaginal was purple and like anal was like red one was one i was confused on it was like hey what's up with this like why is this how come this is switched around i thought it was the other way around that anal was like more more uh anal was more dangerous for contracting a aids than vaginal sex and this guy gay guy's like no no no no uh you see because when a guy like comes in your butt i was like okay let me stop you right there

we went through we went through the whole survey and it was like straight male and all this stuff Like, let me stop you first of all. Could you just use, like, some more medical terms, maybe? The guy comes in your butt immediately. Yeah. And he's like, oh, yeah, yeah, okay. And he's like, uh, and I'm like, you know, maybe, uh, maybe like some more like, uh, hetero terms, maybe throw some in there. That could be a hetero term.

And he's like, okay, yeah, like when a girl comes in your butt. All right. All right, Joker. Get the fuck out of here. I don't care what these tests are anymore. Yeah, you could be with a real dominant squatter, dude. You don't know, you could be pegging you with her fucking China. You know what I'm talking about with China, right?

The wrestler? A dick. That's what you're talking about. Basically. Well, buddy, you said we were going to cover AIDS. Yep. Ants to AIDS is this show? Ans to AIDS.

I don't know if you made a compelling argument. I didn't make a compelling argument for AIDS being a problem. Are you seriously kidding me? I don't think you did. No, you just pointed out that it was a problem. Yeah. I know we're not supposed to be offering solutions, but... Well, why is it the biggest?

Well, it's bigger than most things we have on the list, because it affects both men and women, not just... Like, female genital mutilation should be number one right now, followed by AIDS. Or no, AIDS followed by female genital mutilation. Make up your mind. I just did. What's worse?

AIDS is worse. I don't know. Why? You've got to live with female genital mutilation. Yeah, and you've got to die with AIDS, so there is that. I mean, you don't... I mean, you don't have to. I don't think you have to anymore.

Can't they, like, whip up a cure for you as long as you're, like, white and rich? Is that true? I think that's true. Wait a minute. Magic Johnson's not white. I did this girl who knew way too much about AIDS, and she told me that was true. No, I listened to a very long interview with Magic Johnson, and he was saying that there's so much misinformation about out there that, A, like a lot of people think the drugs are expensive. He said, no, these have been out on the market for a long time.

There's more than 30 drugs that make up a cocktail. The most important thing is to be vigilant about it and don't go off the cocktail. because you're feeling good or you're feeling better. You stay on it. He said they're affordable to virtually everyone. He said they brought up the South Park episode and stuff like that, and he thought it was funny because he just whipped up a bunch of money in a blender and stuff. Hey, problem solved.

Great. How about that? Not the biggest problem. Sounds like it's been cured. It's not been cured. That wasn't my intention. But no, but it. Thanks, Sean.

Oh, fuck it. All right, let's wrap it up. All right. Unless you got more. No, you know, you guys have already pissed me off too much. What? What else do you have? Nothing. Nothing. Go ahead. It's a big problem. I just don't know if it's the biggest.

Yeah, just vote down monkeys and French fries and dogs and all this shit you guys don't think it's a problem. Just vote up the Washington Redskins controversy. Apparently, that's a huge fucking deal. Because they're coming for you next. Yeah, and fly tires. Can you imagine? Remember the Iron Sheik? Yeah, it's great. Do you think we could get him in these political climates that we're in, in these climate?

of political correctness that we currently live. We couldn't have an iron chic. Hell, I think we could get him in on this show. Have you seen his career lately? You know, he's great, actually. His Twitter is hilarious. He's out of his fucking mind. Yeah.

So what are your problems were? Fireball, cinnamon, whiskey. Oh, huge problem. Fireball cinnamon whiskey-based liqueur, excuse me. Mm-hmm. And the Washington Redskins controversy, which I think is politically correct bullying. Great.

That's all the way. Poor racist being bullied. don't think they're racist. They're not racist. You don't think they're racist either. But I think a lot of people easily call them racist. I don't think that's fair. Well, if you, depends on, I feel like 100%, the overlap of racist people who also agree with

this controversy is like 100%. Yeah. That's probably true. Yeah. Here's the rule of thumb. Look and see what position racist people hold on whatever controversial issue you're looking at or voting for. And you're probably in the rule.

wrong if racist people are in your camp. I don't know. That seems like a slippery, that seems too easy. That seems like a slippery slope to me. Do you think racist people are for Planned Parenthood or against it? Racist people? Yeah, what would you say? Planned Parenthood is abortions, right? Yeah, I mean, that's one thing that they cover, yes, like 10% of their finding goods towards abortions, sure. Well, I'm, I'm just assuming that racist would be, like, very religious and they would be anti-abortion. Yeah, racists really follow in the footsteps of Jesus. Okay, so we You got your cinnamon whiskey and... Washington Redskins.

Washington Redskins. And I have flat tires and AIDS. Two huge problems. Come on baby. Come on, baby. Boo. Vote on the website, guys. I need a win.

Not that. So... I need a win, baby. Yeah. Well, vote for these on the biggest problem in the universe.com. We'll bring in more comments. Leave us voicemail. Thanks for listening.

Thanks.