The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 20

Episode Date: April 26, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe. I'm Maddox. With me is Dick Masterson. Hey, what's up, buddy? Happy to be here. And joining us as always is Sean, our audio engineer. All right, who won? So the winner, predictably, I think last week, was AIDS. You gotta be fucking kidding me. AIDS? How did AIDS beat...

What were my problems? How did AIDS beat Fireball Cinnamon Whiskey? Everything beat Fireball Cinnamon Whiskey. Nobody thinks it's a problem. Although, I got beat up in the comments about it. You got lit up like a Christmas tree in the comments. Can I read them? Please. I brought in so.

Oh, let's hear these bullshit comments. Hold on. Let me get my buzzer finger ready. There we go. This is the first week where I've read every, because every comment, because usually I'm getting my ass torn up, but you got fucking torn to pieces this week.

Fireball fucking sucks. I'd rather drink well dog piss from Ryan Mason. Ray Alanis. Fireball is a good sipping whiskey. Maddox, I hope Johnny Walker comes back to life and punches you in the ovaries. Garth Stee Rose

Fireball is like AIDS to whiskey Which is true I also brought in a voicemail About it You want to hear that Let's hear the voicemail Okay

Hey Maddox I've got a question for you If you're going to drink Fireball whiskey Why don't you just go back To your fucking sorority With your sorority sisters And give your book club

And read Twilight And discuss your feelings And talk about Which anti-ich oitener feels best On your vagina He's only halfway through Real men, like Dick and like myself, we drink real liquor. Whiskey.

And you know what? We drink whiskey like some sort of bare-chested pugilist with a handlebar mustache. Yeah. The kind of guy that when he's done with a bottle, eats the glass bottle. That's the kind of guy that you need to aspire to be. Instead of drinking some sort of bullshit, fireball, nothing. Oh, my God. Wow.

What do you think about that? What's that idiot's name? I shouldn't call him an idiot. I don't know. They never leave their names. I don't know what these voicemail, like, don't these people. Don't these people hear voice meals on talk shows? You say, hey, this is somebody from somebody, and then you do your thing.

Yeah, sure. Hey, dumbass McDermerson. Let's call him that. While you're sitting there chewing your fucking glass bottle like an ape, I'm sitting here sipping Fireball Whiskey like a delicious, like the delicious beverage it is, like a chill motherfucker. Look, this guy, Dan White, he says, Fireball Over the Rocks, that's possibly the least manly thing Maddox has ever said.

To which I replied, to which I replied, I say, hey, you see a guy that drink. drinking a cold glass of fireball whiskey in the bar? That's me, not giving a fuck. Right? That's what a real man does. He drinks what he wants to. It's not a popularity contest. I'm not sitting here carrying what you Yenta's gossip about in the corner while you drink your fucking boot water.

I don't give a shit about your smoky, bullshit, cigar blowing, you two idiots sitting on each other's laps. I don't give a shit about your fucking bullshit. I'm going to drink what I want and not give a fuck. That's what a real man does. He doesn't care. Yeah. I read another comment on there that said, like, Yeah, you could say that while you're blowing a bunch of guys too.

Good for you for not caring. I think this is a moral win for me, because I know Fireball Whiskey got nailed in the voting, but I feel like the bad news bears, right? A moral victory, not by the numbers, but fuck the score. Nobody will remember the score. Nobody cares that AIDS won. Ugh, big fucking deal.

Wow, listen to Rudy over here. Nail you two across. And then flat tires came in second place. Both your problems got trounced. your stupid Redskins controversy, which, by the way, was, again, like, one of those things. I got an email from somebody. People take the shit so seriously.

I got an email from somebody who was like, hey, Maddox, huge Redskins fan. Should I listen to this episode, or am I going to get pissed off and stop being a fan? I wrote back, I'm like, I don't give a shit. Either way. Like, this is such a stupid bullshit non-traversy that, and I'm so glad South Park.

Did you see South Park episode? Of course I saw South Park, but I think I failed to make one point crystal clear to you. Okay. What if people were offended by you, which they are? So the government came in and said, okay, now anybody can use the name Maddox. Okay, Dick, once Maddox becomes a racial epithet, maybe that argument will hold some weight. I'm just saying.

I'm just saying. So I got a comment from Justin Tribuna. And he says, Dick, when you say that having a team called the Blackskins or the Yellow Skins would never happen, you're pointing out why there shouldn't be a team called the Redskins. You can't tell me that two of these names are racist, but one isn't. Okay, let me ask you something. Red Man Tobacco, did they lose their trademark too? Since it's so offensive to call anyone Red and have like a little mascot of an Indian guy?

I don't know, man. I've never even heard of. No, no, they didn't. Red Man chewing tobacco? You've never heard of Red Man chewing tobacco? No. Max, what do you chew? I don't chew anything. Not glass like you idiots. Yeah. Did they lose their trademark? No, no, because they're not getting enough attention.

That's my whole point. Right. It's all bullshit. Right. If it was actually what's offensive and what's not, and they all decided that the classification of red was now a racial epithet, then go after Redman Tobacco. You know, Dick, one of my friends sent me a survey from right after this episode aired, he was all pissed off, and he sent me a survey,

said, hey, 90% of American Indians don't give a shit, or Native Americans don't give a shit about. about this name, it doesn't offend them, right? Yeah. But the surveys from 2004. That's the survey that everyone's referring in every news articles from 2004. You don't think that opinions and attitudes can change over the course of a decade? In 2004, the majority of people were opposed to gay marriage.

Today, for the first time ever in history, more people are in favor of gay marriage than again. So should we just repeal gay marriage based on 2004 statistics? No. Yeah. Yeah. I think 10 years... I don't want to go over it anymore. Got your fuck out.

All right. You got me. What's your next comment? My next comment is... Let me see here. Oh, yeah, okay. Charles Fairchild? Remember how my phone went off?

Yeah. A couple episodes ago? Like an earthquake. I had it in Do Not Disturb mode. I told you I did, and you fucks didn't believe me. Right? Yeah, because... I didn't believe you because it went off.

Okay, so, apparently, on the iPhone, even if you have it in Do Not Disturb mode, if the screen is on, it will still vibrate. Oh, okay. So, you have to go in and say, even because I use my phone as the timer for this show, so generously I give of myself and my equipment here with my phone being on the whole time.

Wow. Because I have it on and went off. You're using a dual-core processor there as a kitchen timer. Whatever. That's why I went off. It wasn't my fault. I'm saying I should, it wasn't my fault. It sounds like it's Apple's fault for making a shitty phone. I got a comment from Tobias Luggren.

He says, this isn't funny. He's just making kind of a good point about this Redskins controversy. He says, would it be racist to change the Washington Redskins name to the Washington Natives or the Washington Natives? Or perhaps the Washington Braves. You could keep the logo that way. What do you think? Why not? What do you lose by changing it to the Washington Natives or the Washington Braves?

I think that's up to the people who own the business. I think that's if they decided to do that, that's fine. That's up to them. I just don't want the government forcing them to do it. I don't want the government forcing people to... No one is forcing anyone to change anything. Yes, they are. By removing their trademark, they're preventing them from making money on it. That's the whole point.

That's all it comes down to is money. They're ruining their business. Nope, they can keep using it. They just can't use the racial epithet as for a trademark. That's so, it's fine. Let the market determine it. Don't let the government determine it. That's what I'm saying.

All right. Well, the market is determining it by making their own knockoff products, which is great, makes me so happy. Is that really happening? Yes, actually, look for my Washington Redskins shirts in my Madison. store coming soon. Oh. Yeah.

Sounds South Park beat you to that. Yeah, that was a hilarious episode. I got a comment from Cabot Roth. He says, Dick, you're a dumbass. Okay. Classic Speedy Gonzalez cartoons from the 1940s haven't been shown on television for more than a decade

because people woke up to the fact that they were incredibly racist in their depictions of Mexicans and Latinos in general. Every one of them, say for Speedy, were either stupid or asleep. The implication being that they were constantly stoned. And then what?

They brought them back, right? Mexicans like said we liked them bring them back Did you read that in the comment? Yeah I did I read that too I read all the comments this week I didn't fact check it though so that might be bullshit All right what do you got I got another guy who hates me

You want to hear another voicemail let's hear it All right this was about your flat tires problem okay Hey dick Everything you say makes me want to body slam you through a table You just got to be a contrarian to everything Maddox said Of course twills Of course it's conspiracy Shut up

So he agrees with you. There's a vote for you. Thanks, I guess. He said, of course, it's conspiracy? Yeah. Yeah, well, you're not helping my cause, buddy. But yeah, Dick, why you got to be such a contrarian? What else? You got another comment?

Yeah, here's one. Yeah. This is on Twitter. Maddox Rules, I listen to your podcast every chore day. Thanks for making laundry folding suck way fewer balls. Love your biggest Canadian fan. Did you see this girl? I did, yeah.

Yeah, not kidding around. What was the Twitter handle on that? Not kidding at Not kidding around. Is this what life is like for you? Just these hot broads telling you how much they love your shit all day. Yeah, it's pretty great. Unbelievable. Pretty great.

I wake up and I just, I start my day with hot brads and my day with hot brads. Okay, I got one from Brock Hanley. He says, liqueurs are not manly, Maddox. I know you like cinnamon, but drink that at home in the dark in shame. Thanks, Brock. Hey, I got an AIDS voicemail and then... Yeah, let's do with comments.

Here you go. Here's your victory voicemail. Hey, Maddox. I'm glad you brought up the AIDS issue because you know who spent, like, a ton of money trying to fight AIDS in Africa. It is your best friend, George Shupy Bush. So talk on that.

Yeah. So you guys are on the same side on something. Great. I actually don't have a problem with that. So this one, here's a comment. This one came in email. By the way, we got a lot of comments this week. So that's why this is a little bit top-havvy.

You really fucked up that. AIDS one though. Yeah, I'm getting to that. Okay, so this one, this one, so, Dick, during that episode, when I first introduced the problem of AIDS, your first, the first thing you said is, why is AIDS a problem? Which is maybe, of all the 20 episodes we've done so far, the dumbest thing you've said. I thought you were getting to what you fucked up on. No, no, I will. I will. I'll get to my fuck-up. Oh, okay. I'm still talking about your fuck-up sandwich. So this one, this, this person wrote me, Najal San says, uh, in an email says, Why AIDS is a problem.

You get it by having unprotected sex with strangers, and it's contagious. Also, people die from it. Oh, okay. So you could have said that. Instead, you pulled out wrong statistics. Yeah, I didn't think it has to. One in six people have AIDS. And by the way, that pissed me up.

Did you see the infographic that I referred to from AIDS.gov? Yeah, it looked like garbage. It's a garbage infographic. That's where you're getting your stats from, though. Yes, aides.gov. That seems like a reliable source. And it is. It's just broken up with a strange.

shitty infographic. They need to fire that guy. You just got to pay attention. Yeah. Across a page. I guess. Wikipedia, man. Yeah, because people naturally read sentences with giant graphics in between. Wait a minute. This win has to have an asterisk by it. Because you won with false stats. That is a false stat.

But I posted the correction immediately underneath the problems, the votes. Ah, what are you going to read and listen now to vote? Get out of here. Yes, Dick. You actually have to be informed. You should be disqualified for bringing in bullshit information. I can't come in here and say Fireball Cinnamon Whiskey's killed 20 billion people last year.

Dick, I fucked up with the AIDS problem and that's why it only has 8502 volts as of this episode, as of this recording. So what does it say if my limp dick attempt with AIDS still trounce your bullshit problems? What, you want it twice? Is that what you want here? You want two wins? Okay, so Scott Brooks

emails me and he says, Maddox, the flippant treatment of AIDS was infuriating and wasted an opportunity. So I got to be honest, when I started doing research for that problem, it was overwhelming. It's almost, the scope and the breadth of that problem is so big that you can't possibly do anything in any kind of cohesive manner in about 15 minutes, which is what we had on the show. So it was a big problem to tackle and cover. But he actually said, here are two details about AIDS that you could have mentioned that would have

enabled you to make a much stronger point. The first is, HIV and AIDS gets passed on from pregnant mothers to their offspring. So that's actually something that I didn't consider during the episode, which is true. Okay. Makes it a bigger problem. You don't think you're just gritting. Because you already fucking won. Whatever. And you're bringing in more stats to win more. It's not to win more. It's to inform, Dick. That's what we do. We inform. Doesn't it beat him making a follow-up video, though? Yeah, that's time. Is there going to be an AIDS video? Yeah. It's going to be Sean's ass video is an amazing deal. It's an amazing big deal. I mean, herpes still gets passed on

from a mother to the kid too, doesn't it? Yeah, but it doesn't kill at the same rate. Okay, the second point he wanted to bring up is that there is a myth in certain countries that having sex with a virgin will cure AIDS or presumably any illness. Now, this is really depressing, but individuals affected with AIDS frequently seek out

children and even infants and rape them in order to be cured. In 2001 alone, in South Africa, there were 21,000 reported incidents of child rape, and it is estimated that only about one out of 35 instances get reported. Yeah, I actually knew about that, but I didn't want to bring it up last week, because it's depressing. Yeah, of course it's depressing. That's why, and it's gross. Stat, and it's building the case for AIDS. Oh, man, that's the last time I post any link to support

any bullshit argument you bring in, which Dick never does, by the way. He never sends me any links. I have to do research for him and me. It's insane. All right. Anyway, that was from Scott Brooks. Asterisk. Yes. Asterisk. That win has an asterisk on asterisk on a to me, just like steroids in baseball for bullshit statistics. I'm gonna punch you in your asterisk. Speaking of punching, can I do my first problem? Let's hear it.

Transgendered MMA fighters. Wow. Yeah. So what's the story? Let's get everyone up to speed. I think I know what you're talking about. Yeah, yeah. So this week, there's a little bit of a controversy over this transgendered. What do you say? How do you phrase it

if it was a man that became a woman? Is it a transgendered woman? Or is it a transgendered man? If it's a man who's become a woman after operation, it's a post-op trans-woman. Okay, so I'm going to say transgendered woman. Yeah. I think you can say trans-woman, too, yeah. Trans-woman, you can say that?

I think so, yeah. All right, I don't want to have a Redskins, Washington Redskins on my hands here. So a trans woman is apparently an MMA fighter. Did you know about this? Did you know about this before this week? I just heard about it this week. Yeah, I think that's it for me. I think that's the last stop.

I'm just done. I'm done with everything. There is now, there is a woman, a trans woman who used to be a man. Yeah. Who used to be a Navy man, to be specific. Who paid for his surgery by driving a truck, by being a truck driver. Right? This person is now legally beating the shit out of,

women, like natural genetic women. Yeah. That's it for me. That's it. And this is sanctioned by California athletic, like, whatever, licensing bodies and Florida licensing bodies. So the reason it's a controversy right now is because there's been some shit talk between this trans woman, Fallon Fox, and the current female MMA UFC champion. Let's see, where did I get her name?

Rousie. Rhonda Rousey. Oh, he beat, he, or she beat up Ronda Rousey? No, no, no, no, no, she's trying to like do the, you know, like the, you know, remember like Rocky 3 with Mr. T? Uh-huh. Where they show up at the press conference and talk shit to try to provoke. Yeah, so apparently this trans woman is trying to provoke, I think, trying to provoke, like a title

match out of the current champion. But just, just listen to this. Her last fight, uh, the woman who got trounced by this trans woman fighter, Fallon Fox, suffered a broken orbital bone and needed seven staples in her head and may have had a concussion. Uh-huh. And I heard she broke her jaw as well. Yeah, I didn't hear about that. Yeah, supposedly she broke her jaw and her, she, the skull, her eyeball.

She got like a sunken eyeball. Yeah. Because of where we're at, man. Yeah. And everybody cheered, by the way. So the NFL does it a week prior, right? What's his name, Rice, Ray Rice? Ray Rice.

Yeah, knocks his wife out in an elevator. Yeah. Everyone is appalled, and yet this man, now woman, a trans woman. Trans woman. Right, trans woman. Has essentially the strength of a man. Well, now, let me stop you there. I'm going to let you run with it because I have some interesting information from, like, a scientist about, like, bone, muscle mass and bone density that I can talk about it a little bit.

But, no, no, no, keep going with your train of thought. Okay, well, so essentially he has the strength of a man, and he was put in the same weight class, the same class, the same gender bout as this woman and totally transgender. Brownst on her. Yeah. Although, Dick, let me play devil's advocate here just for a second. Oh, you know how much I hate devil's advocate. I know you do. I know you do. Who was his opponent?

What do you mean? Who is Fallon Fox's opponent? She's fought, I think, from her record, I think she's had like seven thoughts, and she's actually got her ass kicked once, which is great. But, no, it's just some woman with a losing record who's not in the UFC. I mean, it was her choice, right? The other woman's choice? The other woman's choice to fight Fallon Fox.

Sure. Yes. Okay, so is there a problem? Is there a... The problem, okay, the problem to me is not that this trans woman is walking, is running around beating up women in MMA rings. The problem is that we all have to pretend

that we're okay with this. Yeah. Okay, that's it for me. I'm gonna tell you honestly, I don't care about, um, it doesn't bother me that anyone is getting any kind of gender reassignment, anything. wants to be anything.

Sure. Not because I'm all for equal rights or anything like that, just because it doesn't affect me. I don't care. Okay. I really don't care. I'm thinking about my own shit all the time. Whatever you want to do, that's great. Sure.

Right? I think we can both agree that I think that. I think I would agree that you think that, yes. Now, if you're for it, because you want people to be fulfilled and feel good about themselves and get over whatever psychological things they need to do that. that gender reuse, that's cool too. All right?

Whatever you want to do. Right. But now we're at a point where the pursuit of being happy with yourself has crossed the line into, well, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute,

you need to be, it's okay that you want to be a trans woman, but you also need to be an MMA fighter? This is what we're all, this is what we all have to be on board for? Well, are you saying that a trans woman can be an MMA fighter? That's what I'm saying.

You're saying they shouldn't be. Yeah, I'm saying I don't want a future where women's MMA championships are like 12 guys, 12 drag queens beating each other up. Yeah. So, Dick, you brought in a really, I'm going to give you a real backhanded compliment right now. You brought in a- Your compliments are always back-handed. This one's especially back-handed.

You brought in a really interesting problem this week that is way more interesting than I think you even realize. Okay, great. How's that for back-handed? and Sean Shaken, is it? Sean grimace. So this is super interesting because a while back, I got in an argument with a bunch of people, a bunch of trans people who invaded my Facebook wall.

I don't know why still exactly to this day, but I guess they took issue with something I said a long time ago in an article about video games, and I was talking about video game female developers, and I included a whole bunch of them. And one of them I included, I was basically shitting on their games and saying they're mostly boring.

most of the games that have been developed. And one of them was a trans woman who made a game called dysphoria. And I said that there was some throwaway line I had in there as a joke saying something about, you know, guiding some tits through a maze. And then I got in this long discussion with them, and they were saying that if I referred to her as a man in any way, then I am denying her her own agency to refer to herself in whatever gender she chooses. There, that's what I'm talking about. That's when it crosses the line, like that's when it crosses the line into, well, I guess you're an MMA fighter too.

I don't know. Like, well, what do I have to do to do to make you happy here? Well, so you've seen all these different gender classifications that Facebook has introduced, right? There's over 50 of them. You know how disappointed I, like, when I heard that announcement that Facebook let you pick your gender, I hopped out of bed and I ran over to my computer so I could make my gender sailor man. Yeah. And I got, like, I clicked the box to get the drop.

down of all the genders and it looked like gibberish to me. Oh yeah. Like I had never, I didn't know what a cis was, like a cis man. Yeah. That's white, male, straight, capitalist privilege, dead dick, right? Oh, yeah. Like a cis man. Yeah, so cisgendered means that you are born a male who is straight or born a female

who is straight and also align with your born predisposed sexual orientation. Yeah. That's what that means. Yeah, I remember that day. Mm-hmm. Which is fine. I don't care. I don't care if that's what makes you happy.

So there's this huge kind of befuddled, like weird, ambiguous thing going on right now with gender. It's becoming almost like a spectrum where people can... Here are all the options. You can be born a man and identify as a man and also be straight, right? But you can also be born a man. I mean, you can be, if that's your thing. Sure.

Let's be honest. Who's really that? Come on. Who knows? So you can also be born a man. and identify as a man sexually and be gay. But you can also be born a man and identify internally as a woman. Okay.

And you don't necessarily have to have that surgery, that post-operation surgery. Oh, that's a different gender, too? That's a different gender, yes. What is that? I don't know. I honestly don't fucking know. And then to even try to address this person as a man or a woman, Because if you talk to somebody who is pre-op, who's a man, for example, who's pre-op who identifies as being female, but for whatever reason chooses not to go through the operation, then do we then allow this man who identifies psychologically as female to compete in MMA women's wrestling or women fighting?

No! Okay, you know how you mentioned strength? Because that has a lot to do with it, I think. Yeah, let's hear this. Let me, so, so this jackass, Dr. Villain, the director of the Institute for Society and Genetics at the University of California, blah, blah, blah, blah. He's had this, he gave his opinion at Time Magazine. And he says, apparently because there's like a gender assessment criteria. Okay.

Since the Olympics in the 60s where everybody thought that the Russian women were actually men, they started genetic testing. And the waters are very murky when it comes to genetic testing. testing. It's not just you have a wide chromosome or not. What are they taking leaks in these troughs? They're doing everything. Burky waters. All right. Yeah. They do flashcards, like shoe sales

one of them, and they got their brains hooked up to like things. See any spikes of dopamine? Yeah, shoe sale. Basically they just throw out a bunch of shoes and if they get in a fight with each other, then they're women and they can compete in the female Olympics. So there's a lot of like, there's a lot of gray area

and it takes a lot of analysis to get through these. And what this jackass says is male to female transsexuals have significantly less muscle strength and bone density and higher fat mass than males. So, right? So he's saying they're actually, he's saying that they're at a disadvantage. So by becoming, going from male to female,

they lose muscle density. Is that correct? That's what he's saying. And the rules are that they have to have completed the surgery two years ago. Okay. They have to have been on hormones for two years, and then they're okay.

Then he says they suffer loss of muscle strength and bone density. But then listen to this. Listen to this quote from this woman that Fallon Fox, the trans woman, beat to hell. Listen to a woman that got beat the hell by a trans woman. Her grip was different. I can only say I've never felt so overpowered ever in my life. And I am an abnormally strong female in my own right. Her grip was different.

I can usually move around in the clinch against other females, but I couldn't move at all in Fox's Clinch. Yeah. What does that sound like to you? It sounds like man hands to me. Yeah. Right? Can you, does those go away from what I've heard?

They sure don't. Yeah, let me tell the women listeners of our audience right now that once you get man hands, you always have them. Right? They're never going to go. That's a real thing. Yeah. No, I agree.

I agree. Yeah, my hands are pretty musly and. But it's just the evidence here The only evidence you need, the smoking gun here, is that she has a broken ocular cavity, a broken jaw, and what else? Needed, what, seven, eight stitches? Seven stitches.

Seven stitches? Is that normal in an MMA fight? How often does that happen? I mean, it happens. It happens, sure. But does it happen to this severity? Yeah, it'll happen. So what's the issue, Dick?

You're disappointed to do an argument. The issue is that I don't want the few. Look, look, women need their own thing, okay? Yeah. Let them have it. For God's sake, just let these women have their women's MMA. Can we do that? Can we just let them have it?

Do we have to cram trans women in there? Yeah. You know, so what about this? What about this, Dick, as a middle ground? What if you have a new class where it's non, I hate to even use this stupid prefix? I'm so fucking tired of it, but non-sigendered people. So any kind of trans woman, trans man, any, all. the trans, it's a trans league.

I love it. I love it. Yeah. Let's do that. Why not? That would solve all this problem. Yeah, and I would watch the shit out of it. Of course. I would watch that. I'd make that my priority to watch. Let's start that league. That sounds fascinating. Because here's the thing, like, suddenly, if I came out today and I said, hey guys, psychological, I identify as a woman. So you have to call me a woman. I get to use women's restrooms. I haven't had the operation or the surgery yet. Right? Nobody should be allowed to doubt my sincerity. And yet

we can, right? Because if some guy did that and tried to fight in the women's league, then he might just be some dickhead who's trying to pass off as a woman. He's like, well, you don't know what's going on inside me. Yeah, but they got the rules. They got that two years of hormone. The two years of hormone. Okay, all right. Well, that would solve that. All right, well, there should be a trans, maybe just a trans league. A trans league, I'd be happy with that. Yeah. I just want these women to have their thing.

Is that so wrong? Sure. You know me. I love women. You do. I just want them to have their stupid thing. Spoken like somebody who loves women. And for it not to be a problem for them. I don't want them to have to worry about these gigantic trans men beating their eyes out. Trans women, excuse me, beating their eye sockets in. You want to hear some of the shit talking that Fallon Fox has been doing?

Let's hear it. She posted this on Facebook. I'm quite sure that there are quite a few female MMA fighters who have the guts to fight another skilled woman without, peeing in their panties and saying, no, I wouldn't fight her. Does that sound like something a woman would say? No, just be honest.

I mean, the panties line, yes, and also peeing, because I think as a guy, I would say pissing. Yeah. I'm pretty good, actually, at being able to tell whether a writer is female or male based on his or her writing. Why? What do you look for?

There's subtle differences in language, man. Like, I wrote this article a long time ago for Cosmopolitan magazine, Turned it in, I thought to myself, there's no fucking way they're going to publish this, because there were all sorts of inappropriate jokes about balls and shitty dates and everything. Turns out they did publish it, but the article that they changed, they changed so much that it was unrecognizable from what I turned in, and they changed all my language. Things, subtle things, like, I never call girls, like, uh, chicks or, I mean, sometimes I do,

but I, like, I never call guys dudes when I'm referring to them in third person. Like, yeah. Talk to your dude and tell them this. I'm like, oh, that doesn't sound like me at all. Anyway, that's one way you can tell. Also, exclamation marks. Oh, they use a shitload of those. Yeah.

Yeah. Let's see if I have anything else about this. I fought a lot of women. I've never felt strength like that. It felt like I did that night. I can't answer. I can't answer whether it's because she was born a man or not because I'm not a doctor. That's where we're at.

I need a doctor to point that out. Yeah. So this Fallon Fox lady, she's been on the hormone therapy for two years. Mm-hmm. and yet, I mean, I've seen her, she looks like a giant. Yeah, the decision, here's how the decision committee should work on that. Yeah. She comes in, and if I'm running it, and I say, you know, no offense, but she looks kind of masculine.

Can we get a genetic test done on this woman to make sure that she's, like, eligible to fight other women? And her trainer, whoever would say, oh, well, you know, actually, she used to be a man. I'd say, okay, then denied. Yeah. Sorry. This is a dream you can't do. Well, you can. You just have to fight in your own league.

I think if you're not born, if you don't identify with the gender you were born with, then you shouldn't be able to fight other people of other genders necessarily. Yeah. Unless there's some kind of equivalent weight system or something going on. Because I feel like Ronda Rousie, Rousie. I don't know. Rousey, yeah.

I feel like Ronda Rousey could probably tick on a lot of guys. I mean, she's a kick-ass fighter. So where do you, I don't know, where do you draw the line? Because if you want to allow Ronda Rousey to fight guys, then why wouldn't you allow this lady to fight Fallon Fox? Look, they can do it, and they're going to do it. I just don't want the future to be that. I just don't want to be the future to be a bunch of trans women fighting each other.

Well, Dick, you're in luck because it doesn't have to be. It's the present. You know what the problem is, I think, for me, really? Is that it her dream to be an MMA fighter that we can't crush? Is that what we collectively won't do? I guess, yeah. You don't want a little kid in kindergarten to grow up and say,

hey, can I be a post-op trans woman MMA fighter? Yeah. And you don't want to say no to that kid. Is that the line now? I guess. You just can never say no. If someone wants to do it and,

I guess, yeah. Well, she did it. And she's there. She did it. I'm not actually sure what the problem is here. To be honest, so every argument I tried to use to support you

it sounded like it was kind of shot down. Well, I know it bugs me. You want to do your problem? Something weird about it. Yeah. My problem. Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute. Before you do your problem, let me remind you that this episode is brought to you by

Harry's. Go to harries.com and enter promo code Biggest to get $5 off your first purchase. Manix, do you know what Harry's is? Yeah, it's the shaving company. It's the shaving company. You can order a shaving kit. Let me tell you some stuff about them. Let me see here.

By the way, I used just this last week. Yeah, yeah. For many of us, shaving is a pain, right? It sucks, it's uncomfortable. It causes nicks, cuts, scrapes, and razor burns. And razor blades today are outrageously expensive. True. All right, with Harry's shave kits, on average, an everyday user,

an everyday shaver saves $150 a year on blades. Satisfaction is guaranteed. And here's something. They own their high-quality, high-performing German blades are manufactured in Germany in a factory they own. Yeah, they've bought the factory, actually. I read this actually about Harry's.com. Yeah, they were testing out a bunch of different blades from different factories and stuff,

and they liked the blades so much from this factory in Germany. They bought it, and that's the factory that manufactures, older blades now. And they're really, I'm not even saying this bullshit, like, they're really great. So we got shaving kids from them to try them out. What did you think? I loved mine. I liked the shaving gel is really high quality. shoots out like a rocket.

It does shoot out like a rocket. You will poke your eye out with the shaving gel, the speed at which it comes out. But it's a really good gel. The blade, I'm really impressed with. It feels like it's really sturdy. It's heavy.

It's heavy. Like a gun. Yeah. I liked it. Yes. Like a cobald steel gun, right? It's like an expensive watch or a gun. The razor's heavy.

I really like that. Yeah. No, it's nice. It does feel like a good piece. So go to harries.com. H-A-R-R-Y-S dot com, enter coupon code biggest. You get a starter set,

you get $5 off your first purchase. Starters set is an amazing deal. It's like $15. You get a razor, moisturizing, shaving cream, and three razor blades. Yeah. There you go.

Thank you, Dick. Yeah. And that would really help out the show. By the way, the transcripts are up. Now we're able to pay for transcriptions for this. So thanks, thanks for supporting the show, guys.

So my first problem, and only problem this week, because we're running short on time, I've actually brought in, there's a lot of research on this problem, but it's the iPhone 6. Oh, boy. Yeah.

Here we go. Great, Dick. What do you have to say about it? Nothing. I actually, I think my response is going to surprise you. Okay. You know what? Maybe I am a fucking idiot.

When did I say that? Yeah, I don't even know. A listener said that in to me. Reverend Scott, he sent that in from Twitter. So funny. So the iPhone 6, all right? I'm just going to go out on the limb here and say that it's a big piece of shit.

Okay. No, no. I retract that. It's the biggest piece of shit. The biggest piece of shit technology. First of all, there's no storage expansion on this phone. Still, still, no storage expansion. When did the first iPhone come out?

What was it? 2003? 2004? I think it was 2003, right? Still, in over a decade, they still haven't put in an expansion slot. You only have the options of, 16 or 64 gigs or 128 gigs.

So this is what Apple thinks. Okay, so the base model is the 16 gig price, is the 16 gig one, right? Yeah. That one costs $300. So to get four times more storage, to go from 16 to 64 gigs, that costs $100. Apple's saying, fuck you. We think that a 64 gig memory card costs $100. An SD card.

I didn't think of it like that, but yeah. Okay, that's kind of a rip-off. Uh-huh. And then, if you want 128 gigs, guess what? You're only getting two times more, but you're still paying an extra $100. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, I'm with you on that.

Okay. That's a pretty big fuck you. Yeah. So you're paying $200 to go from a 16-gig drive to 128-gig drive, which is essentially just two SD cards, 264-beta SD cards, which costs nothing. Every iPhone looks like a shattered piece of shit. Huh? Have you ever noticed this?

Every one of your friends has a shit. shattered piece of shit iPhone? No, but I've seen shitty shattered androids too, haven't I? No. Nobody has a shattered Android? Oh, occasionally you might come across one by a real moron who probably owned an iPhone

before. I feel like that's a... Your first one was better. Okay. Because they both shatter. You know, I'm not bullshit you, dude. There are just as many androids out on the market, if not more, and I rarely see a shattered Android.

I always see shattered iPhones. Okay. What's your next? So the screen can crack from heat while charging. Do you hear about this? This is a problem that's not even in the news yet. This is like breaking news stuff right here on the biggest problem in the universe. Okay, my friends on Facebook posted that she was just charging her iPhone

and the heat from the battery caused the screen to crack. Hmm. Uh-huh. She didn't sit on an accident? No, it was sitting on a table. She didn't sit on it. All right. I mean...

Yeah. And then I read on forums this is happening all over the place. people are having their screens shatter because just by charging, the heat causes the screen to crack. I want you to have like a science lab that's solely dedicated to shitting on the iPhone. Like where you have all these experiments going

to fuck around, like a fake console and a car that you have like an iPhone plugged into to see when it catches on fire. Like, do you charge it wrong? Oh boy. That would be a never-ending job, all the problems with iPhone. The material they used to make the case is too thin, right?

These shitty phones are bending. I saw that. Yeah. Oh, that's bad. You know what the problem is? Turns out that bullshit is not that flexible. They need to stop using so much of it in the case. So they have a lower screen pixel density than most Android phones, most modern Android phones.

Nah, I don't care about that. Yeah, yeah. What that means, Dick, is that when you're running your grubby fingers across your disgusting iPhone, it's less responsive. It's 326 p.PI pixels per inch. Uh-huh. Which is less responsive than most modern Android phones. Yeah, but here's the thing. Okay, here's where I'm coming from.

Yeah. Because usually... No, no, no, no. I want you to continue this system. It's interesting. But just for some context, I usually defend the shit out of iPhones. Uh-huh.

Because I have one, and I like it. And I almost upgraded to the iPhone 6, like, the day it came out. Like, I was up at midnight when it was launched, and somebody texted me and said, hey, make sure you get your upgrade before it sells out. And I was like, holy shit, I really fucking want this. iPhone, I better do it right now, right? But then I thought about it, I'm like, you know, I'm not really that happy with my iPhone anymore. And all the things that Tim Cook's been doing is kind of pissing me off.

I don't like to... Maybe I think I'm a lot smarter than I am. Maybe, what is that? Just another clip he said to... Oh, yeah. I think I'm a lot smarter than I am. Look, I'm proving your point. Yeah.

I think I'm kind of ready to switch. Like, ordinarily, I think a lot of your concerns about the iPhone are kind of, like, stupid. like the storage expansion Like who gives a shit? What are you going to walk? What are you walking around? It's like a plastic Ziploc bag Full of memory cards in your pocket

That you need to switch your albums out? You know, everyone always says that I say yes If I'm going to carry around an extra SD card I can, I have the option to Every fuck it, that's the default argument of an iPhone user Oh, I wouldn't use that anyway.

Well guess what? You can't. They've taken that option and ability away from you. If I want to, I can And sometimes I might. It's like, oh, tell that to Nintendo with the Nintendo DS,

the most successful. The most popular handheld video game system in history. Everyone walked around with little game cartridges, didn't they? Nobody complained about that. But yet, if you want to care. Like children did. It's in video games for kids. And 30-year-old sometimes.

How many video game cartridges would you walk around with? They don't like three or four if I'm going on a flight. They're as thin as a penny. Yeah. You carry around a couple quarters, you carry around a couple SD cards. It makes no difference. All right, but here's the thing. an iPhone is still nicer to use.

Here's this thing you're going to miss. This is the thing you're missing that all of us iPhone users know. Okay. Your connection with the device is better on an iPhone than it is on the Android. The user experience of using an iPhone is just better than the clunky, shitty Android, where nothing makes sense. Dick, how well your mouth forms a suction over the iPhone's dick is none of my business, right? Because guess what?

The iPhone is still, still not waterproof. The newest Nexus 5 is you can put that thing right under a fucking swimming pool, no problem. Wait, can you really? Yes. People have thrown that thing right into a pool while it works. And it still works? Still works? It's completely waterproof.

Look, I'm telling you, I'm telling you flat out. Yeah. If you convince me, I will switch to the fucking Android. You know what, Dick, I don't want you to switch to Android. No, no, I'm doing. This is a challenge for you. Okay, well, maybe I'll just get an iPhone 6. Good, good.

Maybe I'll get the 128 gig model too. Stay with your shitty ecosystem. Why don't you put where your fucking weird cult, cult, cult, and go into your genius bar with your tail between your legs every time you got to get a new battery because you can't replace your own battery with iPhones. I'm just saying that waterproof thing was kind of titillating. Yeah. And it's dustproof.

Because it's waterproof, it's also dustproof. Who gets a shit about dust? Because dust gets under your screen. It looks like shit. Under your screen? Yes. You should, you, I mean, you're lucky yours doesn't because at Burning Man with all that dust with the hippies dancing around. Like, you wouldn't have gotten a storm under your iPhone.

I carry my phone around at Burning Man. What are you talking about? You know what Burning Man's about. It's not about phones. So, no wireless charging still on iPhones. Did you know this was the thing? Nobody, see, iPhone users, you don't know it exists. Because you have good reasons, but then you have all these shitty pros too, like wireless charging.

What am I? A superhero? I got to walk around and collecting energy from the... It's just how did wireless charging works? You just set it on a pad, right? Yes. So just plug it in instead. Like, I need a fucking pad sitting.

out looking stupid in my apartment all the time. If you have a pad, it's just something you place anywhere you go. You don't need to carry extra shit with you all the time, like cables. You know what, Dick? No, you're not a superhero with wireless charging. You're a slave without it. Because what you do, every single iPhone user carries around their charger and they plug in, they're tethered to the wall like a slave.

So wait a minute, you're saying that at like a coffee shop, they'll have a charging pad that you just come in and plop it down. Right. Does that actually exist? Yes. Or at a bar? Yes. At kiosks.

They're doing this. This is something that iPhone users are missing out on. So you don't have to carry around a bunch of bullshit with you to charge your phone all the time. Look, you got me on two things now. The battery life is horrible on an iPhone 6. This is something that iPhone users cannot cede to because they love their stupid phones and their stupid cults so much. But it barely lasts a day with just average use. It's only 180mm.

Did you know that? Or I'm sorry, 1,800 milliams. No. The Galaxy S5, released five months before, is 2,800 milliams. What the fuck does that mean? How many hours does it last? A third longer. So if an iPhone lasts a day, the Nexus 5, or the Galaxy S5 would last a day in a third longer, like an extra eight hours.

I'll tell you how that translates to me. My iPhone's always running out of batteries right at the wrong time. Right. Oh, I know, Dick. It's always fucking off. You're so unreliable. I can't get a hold of you. You barely have enough Jews to run this kitchen timer that you're running over here, which, by the way, is lit up the room like a light bulb.

So if I had a NX, a Galaxy, what is it called? The Galaxy S5, and NXS-5, and you can use any charger? Yeah, but here's the problem. Which one is it? Any of them. Yeah, but which one? Get the M-8. The H-D-C-1M-8. Get the Galaxy S-5. Get the Nexus 5. Now, this is, again, another Android fuck-up.

It's overwhelming to have to choose between a bunch of different models, because you know you're getting fucked on something. Dick, what you're getting fucked on is your main phone, your main communication device by getting an iPhone. phone six because it's bending in your fucking pocket. That's true. It's a piece of shit. And then the guy who bent the phone just as a test tried to bend it back and it cracked his screen.

Garbage. And then Apple's doing a bunch of damage control by saying, oh, well, here's our testing lab, and here's what we do. And they have all this high-tech machinery. Guess what? Why don't you just get a dipshit hipster with some skinny jeans in there? By the way, Dick, that other dumb ass who called in at the beginning of the show saying that he's drinking his fucking regular whiskey with his handlebar mustache.

I bet that hippie iPhone, or that hipster iPhone user has skinny jeans. Well, I don't know. Yeah. I have to call him. I got his number. I'm sure you got his number. So this is from Wired. Wired magazine.

They're writing this review, okay? This guy loves sucking iPhone's dick so much. Listen to this. It says, other than Lumia 1020, I've never managed to take such great photos and videos with a phone. That's what he says. So he says here, there's nothing. So he just said that, right? Yeah.

He said, there is nothing bad to say about this camera. The camera hardware and software represents a new gold standard. Everything about this phone is, at first blush, a new gold standard. So he simply... It's a little much. Yeah, he just admitted that the Nokia... The Nokia Lumia 1020 phone camera is better than the iPhones, which it is. Yeah.

And it came out, I think, almost a year ago. Oh, that's another phone? Yes. The Lumia, whatever? Okay. Is that an Android? No, it's a Windows phone. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, no, no, not more choice, not more options.

Dick wants just one restaurant to go to. Yeah. Spaghetti Factor. I don't even want a restaurant. I just want a box of food to show up at my door every day, like in prison. There you go, idiot. Here's your Taco Bell. So, yeah, the Nokia-Lumia 1020 phone, which came out, I think, almost a year before the iPhone 6. Still, the most advanced, the most incredible camera on the market. This phone is, I mean, the camera is just mind-blowing.

It's more advanced than most point-and-shoot cameras. So this guy, yet, just a paragraph later, he said that it's a new gold standard. The iPhones is? Yeah. It's got a pretty good camera. Yeah. Sure. It's not the best, and it's not a gold standard.

Yeah, all right. Yeah. So the Nokia Lumia came out in September of 2013. Here's another quote from this wired article. It says, after four days, I have a slightly bent, slightly scratched phone I read this article man

four days no I know and this is why I'm on the fence like I've never thought I would not have an iPhone because I got all these fucking apps they're all on Android

yeah but I gotta buy them again well don't fuck you know what you buy one Android device you're part of the Android ecosystem everything's backed up this sounds like a this sounds like an iPhone right

yeah this sounds like a sales pitch you get the fuck out of here I regret hey say it right I regret saying with more swear Yeah. Okay. So you get a fucking iPhone. Okay. You get an Android and it just everything, everything is backed up on the contact list. I've never had to export my contacts from one phone to another. If I lose my phone, I don't give a shit. Everything's already backed up. Everything's going just fine. I never lose contacts. I never lose calendar syncing.

I don't lose that shit. Yeah, well, now, because Apple followed Google's lead, which people don't even know, the notification bar in an iPhone is so obfuscated because they've been trying to copy Androids, and by the way, I'm going to give credit where credit is due here, right? Android copied a lot of shit from iPhone. Yeah, everything.

A lot of things. Okay. Which pisses me off because they copied a lot of stupid shit that drives me nuts. iPhone's a shitty operating... iOS is a shitty operating system. Look, I'm concerned about my apps. I'm telling you I'm not upgrading to an iPhone

because I'm thinking about going Android. All right? Don't get pissed off of me. This is your dream. I don't give a shit. You don't give a shit about people switching from iPhones to Android. That's the difference between people who use PCs and people who use Macs. People who use Macs are in a cult and they care a lot about you switching.

It's like people who live in New York. They want you to move to New York. But people who live in California or people who use PCs don't give a fuck what you use. I don't give a shit. Use whatever you want to use. Use iPhones. Use your fucking bullshit Macs. Pay more for your shitty hardware.

I don't give a fuck. Because I'm using my PC. I'm sitting fine over here, getting my work done. You guys are dicking around with your fucking touchscreen, no button bullshit phone. Throw that shit away. Bent in your fucking skinny jeans bullshit pocket with your shitty whiskey and your handlebar mustache. Fuck you. How?

After that sales pitch, can you ever be surprised that someone would buy an iPhone? I don't give a fuck Buy your iPhones I don't care iPhone rebuttal is Hi welcome to the Apple store Sold You mean that guy

screaming at me About androids He's not here I'm in for life Oh man You guys pissed me off I have a question Yeah

How long has the 5 been out The iPhone 5? About a year and a half Yeah not that long I mean the 4 was out Forever right Before they introduced I mean then it was the S

and then they introduced the five, but it was like years, right? Because I'm just wondering, why did they hurry up so bad to, it seems like some basic R&D would fix a lot of these problems? I mean, they didn't know the fucking thing would bend or or the screen would melt from battery use? You think it's a Steve Jobs thing? Like he's not there and then everything goes to hell? Well, so there's kind of a dichotomy of this problem here, right? First, it's Tim Cook because Tim Cook really fought, I guess there was an internal battle at Apple, Tim Cook was really pushing to have the bigger phones come out to compete with the Galaxy Note.

Everybody loved the Galaxy Note when it came out. Everyone made fun of it, but people want the bigger screens, right? So Tim Cook finally got his way. I think they look stupid. I do too, but they're very functional. They're very easy to read. You get a lot of real estate. They're nice phones. So Tim Cook fought, I guess, Steve Jobs about this, and he finally got his way because Steve Jobs was too dead to have a rebuttal. So Tim Cook got his bigger phone, and it's out there. There's no real world testing. But yet, they're so staunchly adhering to that stupid iPhone ethos, which is, let's keep things as thin and tiny and simple as possible, to the detriment of functionality,

which is my problem with every fucking Apple product. They minimalized to the expense of functionality, which is exactly what happened while you're getting a bunch of bent-ass shitty phones. Yeah. What do you got to say, Dick? No, I'm telling you that I agree with... Look, iPhone lost me when they stuck... two on my phone. Do you know how fucking embarrassing it was to plug my phone into this girl's charger

in her car and have you two come out of the speakers? And I'm thinking it's her. Yeah. Because I hate you two. Right. And would never listen to you too. But it's playing for minutes and then I realize suddenly, like I see on the dash that it's like auxiliary mode. Right. To my horror, it's coming out of my phone. And I'm like, uh, I don't know what's going on here. Like, I swear to God, I swear to God, I would never have you two on my phone. Then I found out, it was explained to me later, that Apple just bent everyone over and pumped you two into our ass, whether we like it or not. You know what, Dick, that's a lawsuit on your hands, you know, because they damaged your reputation. They really did. Yep. They really did. I'll never recover from that. No. Did you guys see the picture of the homeless guy

with a sign that said, we'll remove you two from your, we'll remove you two from your iPhone for a dollar. That's funny. Will he really do it? Because I don't know how to get mine off. I don't know. Maybe he has a secret, but Apple.

iTunes just works. I got a lot of thinking to do. Wait, I got a, real quick, I got a U2. I got a Bono story. Okay. So I saw Bono in a bar a couple weeks ago. Yeah. I went to this bar and I'm there with a buddy of mine

and goes, hey, check out behind you. There's Bono sitting there. there's no way Bono's here because there would be a huge mob of idiots sitting there waiting for autographs, whatever. Sure enough, he's sitting right behind me with some old dude on this couch and this big, heavy bouncers kind of standing in front of him, so people haven't really noticed. Just every now and then someone walks by and kind of catches a glimpse of him. And sure enough, it's Bono. And, you know, he's sitting there with his doucheback glasses and his doucheback chair in his doucheback face and having a conversation. And then all these, like, really hot girls

started finding out and they came over and sat on his lap, whatever. Now, I don't, I don't. give a fuck about celebrities. I don't give a shit. But, so I don't take photos of them. I just don't. It's just something I don't do. However, I don't respect Bono. I think he's a douchebag. Yeah. And I want to take a photo of him because I wanted to treat him like an animal in a zoo, right? So normally, my flash is always permanently off on my phone. However, when I took the first photo, the flash went off like an idiot. I'm like, oh, fuck. So he looks right over at me. And I'm like fiddling on my phone, turning off the flash so I can take a bunch of pictures,

whatever, because I would love nothing more than a picture with Bono, because I'd be flipping off in the photo, and I'd put it up on my website. I'm like, yeah, fuck this idiot. So anyway, this lady marches over to me, like a hen, right? Oh, like a PR lady. Yeah, the PR lady walks over to me. She goes, no photos, no photos.

I said, okay, yeah, whatever. And she's like, give me your phone, delete those. I said, no. No way. She said, you have to give me your phone right now. I said, no, I'm not giving you my phone. What are you to do? Who are you?

You don't even fucking, who are you? Yeah. So she's like, you need to leave. I'm like, well, I was leaving anyway because it's last call and they're kicking everyone out. But thanks. So as I'm walking out, so because she caused all this commotion with Bono. Well, you caused all this commotion. So then just by chance.

Semantics. Yeah, oh yeah, sure. So just by chance, like, when I turned around to go up the stairs, Bono was right in front of me. Like, I was closer to Bono than anyone, including his own posse. So then I get home and I tell my buddy this story You didn't take a picture then? Like over the shoulder? Oh, it's the back of his head.

Oh, it's the back of his head. Yeah, back of his head. He's like walking out with a stupid Hawaiian shirt. So I'm walking home. You got to do you got to turn around and like point the camera up and go like, hey, look at that. There's a naked chick over there

and when he turns around, take it real fast. Yeah, well, I guess there was some controversy too because a while back he was caught with a bunch of, I guess, he was photographed a bunch of chicks and he's married. There's all this shit going on. So anyway, I went home and I told my buddy this and I told him that he was wearing his duchbag shade.

at night in a bar. He goes, oh, you know why that is? It's because Bono has a condition with his eyes. I'm like, what? That isn't... What kind of condition requires you to constantly wear stupid sunglasses indoors all the time? And I looked it up, and sure enough,

there's a Wikipedia article that said that he didn't interview with the Rolling Stones a long time ago, and he said he has some weird eye condition where if he sees bright lights or flashes, it causes his eyes to swell. Like a gremlin? Yeah, it causes his eyes to swell, and he sees flashes all day.

And I thought, wow, it's a real... condition. Poor shit. No way that's real. That's a real condition. Then I felt bad that I didn't turn on my flash for the rest of the photos. Keep flashing right in his fucking face.

I hate Bono. Stupid fucking you two on iTunes and iPhone. Anyway, man. Yeah, you got a lawsuit on your hands. Well, I got a lot to think about. Because I'm really thinking about making the switch and I don't know why I thought you would be helpful because you've just been a

tremendous asshole about it. You know what? Android's are terrible. Don't switch. You know what? I'm going to do it just to spite you. Yeah. I mean, do. Do. Do. And then I'll know, I'm going to go research the shit out of it, and I'll be, I'll say I always did Androids and be like a brand evangelist.

Uh-huh. And like every time, maybe I am a fucking idiot. I love that so much. All right, let me get through this list. We're running out of time. So he says after, so there are three small, this is the same guy from Wired. He says, there are three small distinct scratches, and I have no idea how I got them there. He didn't carry his keys in his pocket, and he didn't do anything unusual with it in four days. He got three scratches on his screen, and it bent. He says that there's a wobble when you put it on the table. He said, there are some other minor quirks.

I couldn't take that. Can you imagine the phone just wobbling all the fucking time? I couldn't take that, man. Well, that's the case he was making. He said, iPhones are luxury products. You don't expect them to wobble when you put them on the table. No, no, no. You've got to throw it away.

That's garbage. So he said, there's some other minor quirks. The camera doesn't always open from the lock screen. What kind of world-class products? So it works some of the time. Basically, all right. Yeah. The apps crash too frequently,

and even Apple's own apps. Right? Jesus Christ. The biggest downside to me is that iOS 8 just isn't as productive or customizable an operating system

as Android is. That's true. It's not. It's garbage. You can't customize anything. And here's one of the examples. There's no email button on the home screen.

Did you know that? You have to launch an app or go to the notifications to see how many messages you got on the iPhone on iOS 8. What are you talking about? Yeah, there's no, They don't have like the email.

It's not like the little thing and it has a number of how many emails you haven't answered? Nope, not a corny name. He said they removed that. And then he said there's no Google Now integration. It's not by default integrate. But this is something that iPhone users don't have any idea about. Do you know what Google Now is? No.

It is probably the most impressive piece of software I've used in years. It's just installed on Android phones. And what it does is it combs through, when you log in, you sync up your Gmail account to your phone. If you get an email confirmation from an airline, say you bought a ticket, you're going to Denver, and you're leaving this afternoon or tomorrow, it'll send you an email and say, hey, your flight number is this, your gate number is this,

this is when you need to leave to the airport to get there on time. What? Yep. This is what the best route is. Click here to navigate. Can you put how close you want to shave to your flight? Because it's got to give like a normal person, and I want to get, I want to walk right.

First of all, I want to yell at a purse and an employee and say, hey, I'm late for my flight, I can't wait in this line. And then they're like, well, what flight? This flight, it's leaving in like 32 minutes. I got to get there right now. They're like, okay, sir, you can jump the queue. I did that last week. I was flying in Indiana right to the front, man.

Pass like a two-hour line. It was awesome. Do they have an option where you can set like how big of an asshole you want to be at the airport? Dick, the answer is yes. They got that. They got it. You're covered. Because it'll read your email habits.

Oh. You know what though? Seriously, this thing is amazing. If you're just, if you were going to lunch, it will know you're going to lunch because based on the other schedules that you have, the other things you have on your calendar, and it will recommend restaurants for you in the area. Not only like, like, random restaurants, restaurants that you like that you go to, based on emails that you've sent to your friends or whatever.

It's amazing software. It's an amazing piece of software. Okay, listen to me. Yeah. My only problem with the Android is that when I sit down to use it, it feels like garbage. Like, it just feels weird. I don't know where everything is. Dick, what's the last Android phone you used?

Because they're good and bad Android. Probably, like, two years ago. Okay, so based on 2012 technology, you didn't like Android. You know how many different versions have come out since then? Saying you don't like Android is like saying you don't like cars. No, I drove a car once. I didn't care for it. Yeah.

I don't care for sports cars. Hey, fuck it, man. I'm switching. I don't want a bendy piece of shit full of you, too, in my pocket. What's next? Coldplay? We got to have an iPhone with cold play on it. Is that next? Might as well be. Your stupid cult.

All right, what's your last problem? Well, I think we're out of time. I'm going to save my last problem until next time. Okay, well, then we got a tight hour. So we got, what are our problems this week? We have transgendered MMA fighters. Yeah. And that's it, buddy.

Oh, that's right. Yeah, you only had the one. And the iPhone 6. All right. The biggest piece of shit in the universe. I think mine's worse. I think mine's a bigger problem. I'm not even sure you made the case that it is a problem at all. Because we agreed that the girl who fought her,

who fought, what's her name, Fox, Fallon Fox? Yeah, but she has to. What's she going to say? No? She's got to get in the ring. That's how boxing were. That's how fighting works. You got to say yes.

No, you don't. Look at Mayweather. He's been a pussy about fighting packing. for years. Because he's on top. When you're on top, that's what you do. Look, I know something about this, a little something about this. The way you say it implies that we don't, though.

That's what annoyed me immediately. Yeah, but you should be used to that by now, right? There's a big difference in the way boxing matches are made versus, let's say, the UFC works. Because Dana White, like in the UFC, this happened outside the UFC, right? Yeah, she's never going to fight in the UFC.

I don't know how her, you know, that system works exactly but in boxing the promoters are all powerful like they can you'd think that other people would be uh you know influential in you know networks or HBO or showtime or whoever the fighters are signed with they can't make those fights the promoters are all powerful in the uh in the case of like the ufc like Dana white is god and you really can't say no to him if you're a fighter well he's he's never gonna let um he's never going to let fallon fox in like he's they asked him about it and he goes they're like, well, what do you think about a trans woman fighting in the UFC?

And he goes, she's not a good enough fighter. Like, oh. That's a good answer. Good answer. Very diplomatic skirted everything. Uh-huh. Yeah, but no, my point was just to back Dick's argument up a little bit is like they do in UFC and stuff.

Dana White says you're going to fight another guy? Like, you're going to fight because he's like, this is what the fans are going to want to see. This is going to make us a shitload of money. So maybe that league works like that too. Maybe she, it was like, hey, I'm going to be out of the, I'm going to be out of this league if I don't fight. So she went and got her face fucking bashed in. Well, so not a problem. And then we got the iPhone 6. Just like that. Not a problem. Not a problem at all. So I'm really

curious, Dick, because this will show how many iPhone zealots we have in our fan base, which shouldn't be many, because I have done nothing but rail on the iPhone. Basically since it came out. It's funny. Who doesn't care? We need iPhone people, because I was an iPhone person for years. I've had two of these stupid things. No, I've had three of these stupid things, but I'm over. it. Okay. All right. Well, maybe you'll come to the Android side. Maybe not. I don't care either way. Stay with your stupid iPhone. I don't give a shit. I don't give a shit. All right. Well, that's it for this week. Vote on these problems at the biggest problem in the universe.com. And thanks to Harry's sponsoring us this week. Inter promo code, bigish to get five bucks off. And give it a shot. It's actually, I liked it. Yeah, it's not too bad. We got a pretty close shave some money. Got a lot of nicks on your face. Thanks for listening.