The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 21

Episode Date: May 3, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe. I'm Maddox. With me is Dick Masterson. Hey, buddy, how's it going? And as always, Sean, our audio engineer. And with us today, we have a very special guest, Asteroos. Ooh, hey, what's up, guys? Thanks for having me on.

Welcome. Welcome to the show. Thank you, man. So, Asteroos, yeah, Asteroos is a comedian and a writer and a performer. We've known him through the improv community in Los Angeles. And he is one of the guys behind Devastator Press, which is the only publisher in America devoted strictly to humor, right? Yeah, that's right. And he just releases mini-comic, enemies of 20-something Mega Man, which we'll link to on the website.

Yeah, yeah, thanks so much. It's just a little mini-comic I wrote about all of the people that Mega Man faces in his 20s, like nonchalant cocaine-use man. Yeah. And name drops his celebrity friend man, gives you unsolicited financial advice, man. Oh, man. All the villains you run into. And has $30,000 in the bank.

Yeah, exactly. Well, he's telling you about stock investing. Sure. Yeah. Did you just learn about stock investing or something? 20-something guy? Well, welcome to the show. Thanks for being here.

Thanks for having me. Yeah. So we got some comments. Can I ask you a question? No quick. Hysterios. Your, I don't know if they're tweets or if they're just Facebook statuses, but they are my favorite part of every day.

I think I like every single one of them. They're like Pokemon to me. I try to like every single one of your... Can people see? see those on Twitter, or is that a Facebook private thing only that you're doing? Yeah, you can go to Twitter.com slash Asteroos. Try

to spell it. Good luck. If you can't spell it, just ask someone, you know, who's Greek. Yeah, any Greek guy. It's spelled like it sounds, guys. Come on. Get your phonetics together, but we'll link to it on the website. And you're one of the funniest guys on the internet. Absolutely.

This is no bullshit. We're not just blowing sunshine up his ass. It's consistently funny. I just want to mention real quick, the problems last week. Guess who won? Oh, let me guess. Between, yeah.

Yeah, iPhone 6, baby. That's right. It's a big problem as voted by consensus. Man, fuck you. Great retort, Dick. Yeah, great comeback. Big fucking surprise. Everybody in the Android cult was jerking off at the possibility of the iPhone 6 failing,

and they all loved it. Yeah, the possibility, because it's never failed before. Remember the antenna gate? That stupid bullshit when the last iPhone came out where people's connections were dropping because the case was poorly engineered. Hey, that antenna thing wouldn't happen if you only held the iPhone with two fingers

in the exact right place, okay? You know, all of these problems I've never encountered. Why is that? I never encountered the antenna thing. Dick, that's because you hardly are able to use your phone. It's never charged. Use your phone about 20 minutes a day. Congratulations.

I'm just going to accept that the iPhone is a big problem, and that's the last we'll ever talk about it, all right? Oh. That's it. Wow. That's very magnificent. You won. That sounds ominous and loaded.

You won. No, that's it. That's it. I don't detect any foreshadowing. I think we're fine. All right, let's go on. You got any comments? Yeah, I got a comment. This one's from Michael Ruffin, and he says,

I'm glad iPhones bend. Maybe now the fan base can get bent, too. Right. Thank you, Michael. I agree. Base should get bent. What do you got? Oh, for comments? Wait a minute so. I'm not prepared.

Do you got any more? Yeah, I got one from Brandon Laza. He says, Can't replace your battery on an iPhone. Maddox seriously missed the thousands of third-party unauthorized Asian stores everywhere that can fix screens and replace batteries. Dirt cheap. Hey, Brandon,

the whole point of being able to replace your own battery is being able to replace your own battery. If you have to go to a store, it defeats the purpose. That's my problem with shitty iPhones. I don't want to go to a store with my tail between my legs to replace a fucking battery. I can do that on my remote. Can you imagine if remote controls did that? Or if you had to take your fucking fire alarm, a fire detector to the goddamn firehouse?

Hey, check it out. This is an Android phone. I'm going to open it right now on the air. And I... Great, we got two of you. And I am going to replace my battery. It looks very awkward, by the way, if I can just... say it's not as easy as you're making it sound.

Look at this. We both got our batteries up. I'm holding my battery. Yep. Now, it, oh, hey. Do you want to trade batteries for fun? Oh, yeah, sure. We got 10. Because I only got 14%. So, do you have a full battery? You know, that actually happened to me one time. My buddy was in the car and his battery died on his phone. We had the exact same phone model. And he needed to make an emergency phone call to his wife. So I popped out my battery, put it in his. He had a full charge. There you go. Wow. So you're saying that Android's battery swap feature saved your friend's wife's life. Yep. That's pretty good

Who fucking cares Nobody cares Nobody cares about Swapping batteries Nobody cares about This stupid Android horse cockery That you were going on All week about

You know what The people have spoken I got another one too Sean Arthur O'Neill iPhones obviously are more intuitive out of the box With no customization Dick only likes it better

Because he's a lazy shit Yeah That's why I like everything better because I don't want to fiddle around battery swapping with my friends when my iPhone gets low. Dick, you know what one of the worst inventions ever made was, is don't answer, because it's a rhetorical question, is the mouse, the computer mouse. I hate it because it has made everything slower. Everything mouse driven for a user interface is slower than keyboard. So you like to connect then? Is that what you want people doing goofy interpretive dancing and control

their fucking computer? You think that's better? No, I like buttons. I love to press buttons. They work. Their tactile response. You know, perfect, in an ideal world. I love this. I love this because you are proving my point that you hate the mouse. The mouse is awful. That's the extension of hating iPhones.

So are touch screens. Touch screens are not functional. They're just garbage. They slow everything down. You got to tap and pray. You can't feel anything. If Steve Jobs had invented the keyboard, it would be one big, flat tablet that would look super minimal and you can't touch anything.

You've got to stare down and hunt and peck like a moron in third grade. Yeah, but Steve Jobs is also the guy that insisted that mice not have two buttons, which is the stupidest thing ever because, like, if I want to right click, I got to hold down command and click. And it's just like, how about you just give me a second button like a normal person? Yeah. Can you imagine that shit? Like, he is obsessed with minimalism to the detriment of functionality. Yes, that is 100% correct.

Yeah. God, you just, you get off so hard hating on iPhones and Macs and Apple in general. Yeah. To be fair, those things aren't popular, and it is fun to take shots at popular things. It's a shitty brand. That's all it is. It's got nothing to do with the batteries or the storage or the removable storage. Dick, or the fact that they have proprietary charging plugs. Okay, I'm going to blow your fucking mind right now, okay?

I hate Windows. Windows sucks dick. But I use it because it gets my job done quickest. I use whatever it takes to get my job done quickest. If it was Mac, if it was Apple, if there was any possible way I could get my job done quicker, more efficiently. I would switch in a heartbeat, but that's not the platform, buddy. And that's an iPhone. Getting it done as fucking as quickly as possible as an iPhone.

No, it's not. Everything takes more taps more. No, because they don't have enough buttons on the iPhone. Most Android devices still have a few buttons on the front because it's convenient. It's a quick shortcut home. Instead of one button, you've got to tap and pray and long press and then swipe left, swipe diagonal, pinch, all this bullshit. You know, I want to agree with you that Android makes it a lot easier to access the really important functions of a phone. Like calling?

Well, yeah, but don't, oh wait, you like calling. You hate it. So actually you're right about that. But you used to, before iOS updated, in order to turn on or off Wi-Fi, you had to click like 18 times on an iPhone. Oh, yeah. You had to go to like system thing and then network thing and then this thing and then that thing. Whereas with an Android, I just click the button on the front of my phone that says Wi-Fi and then Wi-Fi's on? Why viz off? Here's the problem.

Can I just bring up my problem? Because we're already well into the arguing. Well, we've got to come back to the voicemail. But yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll come back to the voicemail. Guess what? They all have to fucking do with this anyway. It was such a big problem that's going to span this episode.

My problem, and I'm not going to phrase it like you want me to phrase it, is nut-hugging Android fanboy cheerleaders like you who would rather jerk each other off with statistics and features in a fucking basement building their PCs than talk to a person on the phone. like a human. There's no way that's going to fit on the website. Fuck you.

That's a lot of characters. All last week, your three-card Monty horse shit with Android features were all false. This is another asterisk episode. Wait a minute. Are you saying that iPhones do have a high pixel density? They do, don't they?

That wasn't one of your points, though. No, no. He just used the phrase pixel density, and I thought that was funny. And somebody pointed out, he's like, hey, man, the iPhone's retina display has high DPI. I'm like, yeah, DPI is different from PPI. This is for the sensor, the touch sensor.

Who gives the fuck? See, you start with all these numbers and features, and people like me who just want to use their phone to surf the web and call people's brains start melting. And I'm just like, I hear that noise when you get shot and call a duty. They're like, eh! I've got to get out of here, I'm going to get out of here.

I'm going to kill you. Why do so many people use iPhones if they're such shit? Dick. Why don't they use Android? Because they're marketing sheep. Oh, bullshit. Why do so many people wear Nikes if there are better shoes available? Because they market the shit out of it.

It's Coca-Cola. You got the McDonald's cell phones, buddy. Then why doesn't Google just buy better ads? They have more money. Google has enough ads. They have enough market share. More people use Android than iPhone. Not the right people.

No, no, because Android users spend double the amount of money on it. Oh, I got a shitload of stats for your fucking ass. You motherfucker. Says the guy, just a minute, it goes, oh, you get bringing all these numbers and stats, and it's called Evidence Dick. If you brought some in sometimes, maybe your problems would win.

I got orders of magnitude stats for you. iPhone users spend double the amount on apps as Android users. And that's a problem. How exactly? It's better for developers. It's better for the entire environment. For the iPhone users. iPhone users spend double the amount of money on apps as Android users.

iPhone users spend double and triple the amount of money on hardware because that shit's overpriced. garbage. You're paying for the brand. You're paying for Nike. You are paying for your time. I want to explain something very simple to you about Max versus PCs. That PC in the front room that you're so fucking proud of. Yeah. That took time to research and build. People who use iPhones, time is worth more than the expense of the computer. Oh, really? Is that... Yeah, because they want to spend it with their friends and family. Yeah, says the person who uses this app, I would just want to point this out to everyone. He, so Dick, when he sends me a screenshot of anything, he sends me this stupid fucking screencast website.

So it's not just an inline image of a screenshot. I have to click on another link that opens up another process on my browser on my cell phone. I have to go to some other website. I have to do a DNS ping. I have to pull up the URL. See, here it is. Why do you have to do all these things? You have to do a DNS ping.

You have to. No, it does. That's what the server does. It has to make that connection over the internet. I have to open up another browser. What does it take like a millionth of a second and you're bringing it up like it's this huge problem? A billionth here and a billionth there. It's cockering.

All right. Then you're three billionths of a second behind. Oh, excuse me. And it loads up ads. I have to, there's tracking cookies on my computer because of this bullshit dick uses. Oh, whereas I, to save time, I just paste it in line like a normal fucking human. Using MS paint. It doesn't matter.

There's an, there's a name of a half. He forgot that part. He forgot that part. What difference does it make what you use? You can use any copy buffer. Stereos. Yes. Let me ask, first of all, the enemies of 20-something Mega Man,

would a nut-hugging, what did I write here, nut-hugging Android fanboy cheerleaders who would rather jerk off over stats and features in their basement than talk to people in real life? Would that be an enemy of Mega Man? Yeah, I absolutely. Those guys are super annoying, yes. Yeah. And I'm speaking as an Android guy.

Like, iPhone users don't think about their phones. Android users think about them constantly. Yeah, no, that's not true. They're the real fanboys. Yeah, exactly. Android users are constantly flat. dashing nightly OS, like, you know, updates, and they're rooting their phones and this and that.

Here's what I'll say about the iPhone, and I'm an Android guy. The iPhone just works. Like, it's not, that's a marketing. Let me finish my point. God damn it. My mom wants to know what phone to buy. My wife wants to know what phone to buy.

I tell them, you go out and you buy an iPhone. They go, but you have an Android, man. And I'm like, no, you go buy an iPhone because I don't want to have to fix your phone. And the thing about an iPhone is, just works. It's not elegantly designed. It takes eight clicks to get to something that in an Android, it takes one click to get to. I'm a

huge fan of widgets, you know? Androids have widgets. I mean, iPhones don't have widgets. But the- Fuck widgets. Fuck widgets. I know what my bank account balance is by turning on my phone and looking at my, I look at my phone's desktop. You know, I can turn

off, I can turn on and off 3G with one simple button press on an Android. You can't do that on iPhone. You've got to press 18 buttons. No, Asterius, good point about iPhones just working. And thank you for reading the literal marketing bullet point from the Apple website. That's what it says. It just works.

It does just work. My phone will overheat in my pocket. My phone will die and restart for no reason. Oh, my God, really? Yeah, but the thing is, those problems are worth it for me to have the customizable. My wife, my mom, they're not going to be able to fix these problems. I want them to have an iPhone. Well, it's interesting you say that because there is a forum.

There are actually countless forums on how to fix common problems with iPhones. Let me read a few of them. Here's one. Frozen screen. If your iPhone's screen becomes unresponsive or frozen, your best bet is to power off the phone and power it on again. Oh, a power cycle. This is the troubleshooting they tell iPhone users because they're such morons. iPhone won't power on.

Here's another common problem. iPhone won't power off. Oh, wow, it won't power on and it won't power off. Having trouble connecting to Wi-Fi, that's a problem. iPhone camera doesn't work. There's another problem. Siri doesn't work. Oh, yet, another fucking problem.

Maddox, what works? What just works all the time? Hey, I'm not making the claim that Android just works. It doesn't. Android's a piece of shit, too. I hate Android. Wow. There you go.

What do you use? Windows phone? Do you have some sort of Linux phone? Look, here's how... Firefox OS? He uses a smoke signal. Yeah. Let me tell you my meek philosophy on how I choose products and services in life, okay?

A long time ago when I was doing my Maddox store, my online store to ship T-shirts and all the stuff in my store, comics and whatever, I went to Google, and I was trying to find out which carrier to use. So I typed in FedEx sucks, and then I typed in UPS sucks,

and then UPS sucks, and then I just went with the one with the least number of results. And right now, for me, that's Android. Android still sucks, it just sucks less than iPhone than iOS. Yeah, but you're so proud of it. That's why the problem is nut-hugging

Android fanboy cheerleaders. Oh, my God. Are you kidding me? You get off shitting on something that those of us using it don't give a fuck about. That's bullshit. Dick, you and I right now have a friend mutually on Facebook who literally when the iPhone ad came out when they did the whole iOS conference, whatever, he posted a link that said, wow, this is a game changer. You know how many of my dickhead Android friends have posted shit like that about Android? Zero.

Because we're not fucking assholes about it. Yeah, because you're too busy talking about the iPhone. That's how you know the iPhone one. All right, let's hear something. You got the voicemails or not? I got a shitload of voicemails about this. Here's one. Let's hear some.

Hey, guys. This is Sean, and this message is for Maddox. The guy that doesn't care that people use iPhones, but will spend 45 minutes bitching about it. He doesn't care so much. First of all, that figure is off. Maddox, shut up. You iPhone haters have turned into your own sort of cult.

You're your own cult. You can call iPhone users. sheet all day, but you guys get in line to bash the iPhone even though you apparently don't give a shit. Yeah. You know, I think of that. So, Dick, a lot of people I think misconstrued why

I brought that in as a problem. It's not the iPhone users necessarily, although they're idiots. What the problem is, is iPhones undue influence on the entire cell phone fucking market, because now I can't buy a cell phone with buttons anymore because of the iPhone's influence on it. And it's not necessarily because they have the best product on the

I hate touch screens. They're not functional. Everything's slower on these stupid fucking tap and prey, smudgy pieces of shit everyone's carrying around, myself included. I have one of the last phones on the market with a physical keyboard, and I hate this phone. The keyboard is incredible, but the operating system stripped down. Nobody gives attention to it.

They're not releasing updates to the firmware. It's buggy as shit. They don't have the best hardware in it, and this is what I'm relegated to if I want to use buttons. That's why I hate the iPhone, is because it's killed so much productivity. What about a Blackberry? BlackBerry's are garbage. BlackBerry's so far behind on the OS.

Even their newest one that keeps coming out. They have that operating system so restrictive. It's a business phone, but it's just business. It doesn't do any multimedia functions that well. It's very restrictive. So you hate the Android, the iPhone, the BlackBerry OS. So you hate them all. Well, he hates calling.

You just want a pager. That's all you need is an alphanumeric pager. You know, I haven't tried the Windows. I played with a Nokia Lumia. I'll tell you what, back in the day, the Symbian OS is the only mobile OS that I absolutely loved. It's so incredible. But Dick, I don't want to...

Well, here's more horse cockery that you tried to pull on us last week. With your three-card Monty lies. But do you know the game Three Card Monty? No. It's where a con artist, in this case, it would be you, has three cards, and they flip them around, and they say, here's the queen. Now you keep your eye on the queen.

And they flip it around, and it's always like a magic trick. like they slide it off so you can never find the queen and then they take your money, right? So that is you describing the features of the Android. So I'm going to go, I got an email from Rob, the host of Today on iOS podcast, and he says, the expandable storage argument died

with the no physical keyboard and no support for Flash. Your phone? Yeah. Your precious M8 one? Does that have expandable storage? I don't have an M8, but yes, this does have expendable storage, yeah. Okay.

The one that you hate. Well, that's a good point. My phone also has expandable storage, and I like that. I like being able to swap out SIM cards. It's nice. It seems like, it seems almost, what's the word I'm looking for? There's no purpose. No, there's no clear purpose behind some of Steve Jobs' as iPhone decisions. Like the idea that they didn't have tethering until just a couple of years ago.

Oh, yeah. The idea that there was no notification center until just a couple of years ago, the idea that they just swipe one. which has been out forever on Android. Swipe just came out. And it's like, you want to talk about productivity and saving time? Like, that's the best possible way you could save time with your phone, being able to just type in words really quickly using Swipe.

It seems punitive. I don't get it. I don't know why Apple makes some of these decisions they make. Well, and one of the comments when I pointed out that the, I think it's the Galaxy S-5 that's waterproof. Yeah. This guy was like, well, you know, it would really complicate the engineering for the electronics on blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, no, it wouldn't. You know how they make it waterproof?

It's just a rubber seal that goes inside the case. It's one rubber seal that costs less than half a penny to produce. Chief of engineering for mobile fucking phones over here telling us what it takes to make a phone waterproof. They show it on YouTube. They just crack the case open. They go, here it is. It's rubber sealed. There's water around it and it's dry inside.

That's all it is. Here's why it's three card money. You talk about the Nexus 5 being waterproof, right? But it doesn't have a replaceable battery or expandable memory. And I don't like that about it. The point is, where is the magical phone that has all of these Android features you're talking about? When I go, so I tried, because last episode you had me totally convinced that the Android was a superior phone to the iPhone. I heard all these features.

Then I failed. And that U-2 thing really pissed me off. Yeah, I know. And someone also told me that they didn't know about the U-2 thing, so they were getting ready to go chew their wife out for buying a U-2 album. And they were listening to this podcast and said, oh, I didn't know it was a, like we were, violated with a U-2 album, so probably we saved his marriage. There is no magical Android phone that has all these features.

What do you have to say about that? That's not true. There are phones. I mean, all the features that you want, here's the thing, Dick, you can customize, you can pick and choose. There's no car that has every feature. You can pick and choose. You can choose whatever car you want.

You can choose whatever PC you want. You can customize based on your needs. Versus Apple, they not only customize your phone, they customize your taste in music. Here's you, too, Dickhead. you're a fan of you too. Yeah. It sounds like a used car salesman.

This pitch that I'm getting where you can customize whatever you want, you can buy whatever you want. Here, you can get this and this color. You can get it with leather interior, but only in red. And that model doesn't have power windows. And if you want Sirius, you've got to go with this green one. No. Doesn't have windows on it.

They all have the same basic features that are useful. Most of them have expandable in memory, those sort of things. However, if you don't want it, if you don't need it, you don't have to get it. And every iPhone user is like, well, I wouldn't use it anyway. I wouldn't use that feature anyway. And you know what? You don't have the option to. You don't have a choice.

It's nice to have the feature. Yeah. No one's saying you have to use it. But they're like, well, I wouldn't use it anyway. And they always say that until they get the feature. And then guess what? They're fucking using it. Dick, if I told you right now, I have a cell phone that is the most popular cell phone.

It's the top of the market. However, you can't install apps on it. Would you buy that cell phone? I have no fucking idea. What do you mean? If there's a magical, obviously you want me to say yes, No. Give me that again.

Give it to me again. The most popular cell phone. Let me tell you. And I can't put apps on it? Here's a cell phone. You can't put install apps on it. Okay. But it's the most popular?

Yes. It can't send MMS messages. Okay. No multimedia messages. Why is this phone so popular? Yeah, that's what I'm going to ask. It can't copy and paste. Okay?

It can't, it doesn't have a flash on the camera. These were, I believe, these were all features of the original iPhone. You couldn't install any apps. You couldn't copy and paste. You couldn't send it. multimedia messages. I know what this is. Yeah.

Keep on. And every single one of these idiots, I argued with, I said, hey, man, you can't install apps. And they're like, well, we wouldn't use that anyway. We would just use web apps. And then, of course, the next model iPhone comes out, and Apple's all about apps. Back then, I was installing thousands of free, mature, developed apps on my Nokia platform. No problem. Thousands?

Thousands? There were tens of thousands of apps. Nobody knew about it because Nokia sucks dick at marketing their own fucking product. They had their superior product and they failed because they're in-nexed. at marketing. However, that's the original iPhone and people bought it in droves. Okay. Let me tell you what that is, what that reminds me of. And this is why the nut-hugging Android fanboy cheerleaders is a big problem. You sound like a former high school athlete talking about the good old days. When you're like, man, in the good old days, we could shit all over

the iPhone. That was when it was totally dumb. Dick, we're still there right now. You just don't realize that you're not listening to what we're saying. You don't have to, you don't have these features that everybody's using today, and it's not the good old days, it's right now. Your phone is still behind. I can't find a phone with all these features. That was my point, because you had me convinced last week, so I set out to find this magical fucking phone that I could throw in a pool and have removable batteries and storage and walk around with my pants bulging like Santa Claus with all this power I was going to have.

I couldn't find it. I believe that the... What mall Santas are you visiting? Yeah. I believe the Cassio GZ1 is water. has a removable SD card you can change the battery out of. It's it. Just get it.

Just do a little bit of research, Dick. Pick up a magazine. Well, then I found that that BenGate thing was all horseshit too. No, it's not. No, but that phone you recommended I get, the M8, bent at exactly the same amount of pressure. No, it didn't, Dick. Dude, I got the, I totally got a consumer reports dot org link. Dick, why don't you read our own fucking website? I linked

to it and I specifically mentioned that consumer report study because they tested the pressure in the middle of every fucking phone. That's not where the iPhone is failing. The iPhone is failing near the top where it bends near the crease in your pants in your pants because that's where the buttons are and there's an indentation. It's a groove

and that's where it bends. Not in the middle of the fucking phone. So you're saying it's just the tip? All right. Do you have any more voicemail? Yeah, I have voicemail, but I don't think any of these guys are going to convince you. Oh, wait, well, I mean, there is just this one. There's just this one I've been saving for last.

Hey, Dick. Yeah, this one's for My name's Chris, and I wanted to tell you something awesome about his iPhone guys. We actually have more sex as far as you. And OKCupid, OK. Did you hear that? Are you going to play it again? He said we have more sex. I heard it.

He said iPhone guys have more sex. Yeah, they masturbate each other. No, no, no, no, no, no. That's not what he's talking about. That's not what he's talking about. I don't like an idiot. Fuck, God damn it. Let me try again.

No, okay. That's the point. Okay, Cupid had a survey, and it said iPhone. guys have more sex than nut hugging Android fan boy cheerleaders. Yeah, I don't first of all I don't believe that and second, first it's not possible.

I want to say that I believe that I believe iPhone users generally speaking have more money and people that have more money have more sex so therefore I'm going to give that one to the iPhone people. It's not sexist because you said people instead of guys. Yeah I get it. Sure, yeah.

Yeah well if they have so much money why don't they replace their shitty shattered screen Why do all the poor people have billions of children? Good question. They can have sex with ugly people. Speaking of poor people, if you want to save some money, Dick, on the audio downloads. Today's show is brought to you by Audible.

Please visit Audiblepodcast.com slash biggest for your free audiobook download. Serious, do you know about Audible? Yeah, I know about it. Well, let me tell you about them anyway. Please. I mean, I don't know about it. Tell me more. They've got over 150,000 titles to choose from.

Every genre Audible has it covered. including erotic genres. Really? Yeah. If you want to get some erotic stories read to you. I'm leaving this podcast right now and going to audible.com slash biggest. Listen to whatever and wherever you want, just like the podcast you're listening to right now. I did download that book that we talked about last time.

The milkmaids. Milkmaids, yeah. An erotic milking story or lactation story, yeah. Yeah, milk did her uncle's farm, volume one. Volume one. Do you have any sound clips from that? No, I should have. I was going to bring some in, but I didn't have time. There is a volume one, and after having listened to it, I can see why this needs to be a multi-volume story, an erotic lactation story.

I'll bring him in next time. I'll bring him in next time we do an audible ad. That sounds kind of hot, actually. I'd be driving around to the big old boner, just listening to this thing. Yeah, and I bet, I wonder if they read it like a sex phone operator, because that'd be really hot, right? The girl could be hotter. Yes. That's what I... Her voice, you mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then, see, I think these books are really.

written are supposed to be consumed by women because I got into like I was at the 22nd mark and I hadn't heard how big the girls tits were oh what like wait a minute that's weird what did you skip over it what do you mean did I did I skip over how did you not hear how big her because it's the books are written for women I'm saying oh these erotic novels are written for women so there's a lot of like so they're not emphasizing the the most important parts of yeah yeah yeah yeah right the erotic story how big the boobs are but yeah that's so important and it's like I'll I'll bring in some clips for it. Yeah.

How big or small? Either way, I just want to know. I just want to know. Exactly. It's an important point. How am I supposed to visualize this character in my head if I don't know their cup size? I just visualize two empty black holes, like space, just stars. I don't know what they are.

I don't find that attractive. No, stars. I do not want to big stars. Well, if you want to hear how big the girls' boobs are, go to... Audiblepodcast.com slash biggest for your free audiobook download. So, Asteroos, you are, I believe, our third guest on the show ever, and you have a problem you brought it. Yeah, I brought in a problem.

My problem, and thanks for having me, my problem is Tom's Shoes. Tom's Shoes, Bravo. Yes. I thought you were going to play a round of applause there. You know, I was looking for the round of applause, and I remember, this is the episode, too. I was like, yeah, let's get rid of the round of applause.

Here's what I replaced it with. As I'm a digital cyberteaming. So I got to explain that real quick, before we talk about Tom's Shoes, Asteroos Coconos is responsible for the funniest thing I have ever seen at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater. And I mean that before it was you, it was that guy who came out as the Wolfman and said,

yeah, it was a guy runs out of the back curtain and go, someone asked if the Wolfman has nards and then pulls his pants down and shows his dick to like the entire audience. That was the funniest thing. When you came out doing the guy from the Polar Express being basically an unhinged maniac, screaming about how you abduct children

and turn them into mutants, That was the new funniest thing I'd ever seen. So I brought in a clip of it. Yeah, that's hilarious, yeah. As I'm a digital cyberteaming. That was the start. Yeah, and people tried to pin you. That was during the Tournament of Nerds Debate Show,

where they tried to argue who would win in a fight, whatever, and they tried to smear you by pointing out that the Polar Express guy is kind of creepy because he kidnaps kids and there's like a molestory affect to it. And you fully embraced it. You're like, yes, I love delicious children. and it was because I'm a digital cyberdeat. Yeah. It was impossible to take you down.

It was nonstop. That was incredible. Well, it's hard to top a pedophile. So there's a soundbite. All right. So what's your problem with Tom's, which I agree? Sure. No, look, I figure we're not really going to be debating this one like the iPhone

entry thing. But I got a couple of problems with Tom's shoes. Okay, first off, let me start by saying, like, there are things that people wear that tell you everything you need to know about them. You're watching a movie, see a guy in a suit with an earpiece, you know, he's a secret service guy. You see a girl wearing blue batons, you know she's rich. You see a guy in Tom's shoes, you know right away he's a douche.

Yep. You know right away, like, the guy, the 25-year-old guy firing your dad is wearing Tom's shoes. You know, he's the guy that's like, oh, sorry, pops, times are tough. We're going to swap you out for six interns. Like, that's the Tom's shoes wear. Yeah. And I know you guys agree with me by how to be. They look.

There are Tom Shoes for men? I honestly didn't know that. Yeah, these pieces of shit garbage. Can you explain what they are for people who might not know? Oh, yeah, absolutely. So for people that might not know, Tom's shoes are these garbage-looking shoes that you can buy in Whole Foods,

and they're based around the idea. So can you... The best possible place to buy your shoes, an overpriced grocery store. Yes. And the point of Tom's shoes, the company found in 2006, buy one, give one model.

Yes. When you buy a pair of Tom's shoes for $70, they will give a pair of Tom's shoes to a kid in need, in Africa. So that's kind of the appeal of Tom's shoes. In need of shoes or AIDS vaccinations? Nope.

Just shoes. Not food. They're not going to give them like a gallon of water. Here's some shoes. Yeah. See if you can wring some water out of this rubber. So here's the philosophy. You go to a place where you buy food

and instead buy expensive shoes and then send the shoes to people and keep the food for yourself. In Africa, do they get like a Whole Foods box and they open it up? There you go, idiots. There's no foods in here. What the hell? You know, if they just had shoes, the poor children of Africa, if they just had shoes,

rather than new schools or, I don't know, vaccination. A sustainable economy. Uh-huh. Or nuclear power. Or any power. Right, exactly. Well, see, now that's the thing. Look, you want to give a guy a pair of shoes that's actually, look, I have a pair of shoes.

That's actually, look, I have no problem with giving someone that needs shoes. That's great. What happens when those shoes wear out? What if they don't get any free shoes from the next free shoe shipment? Like, what if the head of Tom's goes crazy and Tom's goes out of business? Oh, well, that's all right. Well, because you can just buy a pair of shoes from your local shoemaker, right? No, wrong.

You can't because your local shoemaker went out of business because some asshole named Tom undercut his prices by 100% with his free shoes. So what's these free shoes do? Oh, he's killing local businesses. Exactly. That's a good fucking points. I never thought of that. Yeah, they're killing the economy.

Time magazine called it an unsustainable aid-based economy. So, yeah, look, it's great to have shoes for that day or that month. Tom's shoes wear out pretty fast. So three months later, look, people are out of a job, you're out of shoes, you're fucked again. Yeah. Those shoes look like they're made out of burlap sack and then sandpaper. They look like the most uncomfortable shitty shoes. They're not waterproof.

They look ugly as sin. Like the Android. Yeah, you're wearing a couple of iPhones on your feet. So these shoes are just absolutely garbage. They look like they always fall apart. They look ratty as shit. And so these are the shoes they're sending these kids in Africa, the shittiest looking shoes. And then the people who buy them, they feel like such fucking saints.

That's the thing. Yeah, they're showing solidarity with some Ethiopian kid that they'll never fucking meet. And who knows if they'll ever even get that shoe in the, first place. Can you take the shoe? Can you say can you just give me two shoes? Like I don't want to send mine to poor people. You know, there's also, this is kind of interesting too. If you think about the size of the shoes that adults wear are, you know, nine plus, you know, up to 13 or 14 sometimes, the material that they save on those, it's not a one-to-one ratio because they're making smaller shoes for kids and sending those over. So where does that cost disparity go, huh? Right in their

fucking pockets, I guaranteeing fucking tea it. They're using less material. You mean Tom's shoes, the 650 million dollar corporation. It's not a not for profit, by the way. It's worth $650 million, and the head of Tom's Shoes just sold half of it to Bain Capital, aka Mitt Romney. Wow.

These are the people that... Smart guy. He should have been president. It's fucking dick. Yeah, I saw... Good investment. Yeah. I saw a pair of Tom Shoes... I like that they kill local businesses because, like, I'm

imagining how you explain that to, like, a... a spoiled person, like someone who would buy these shoes. Imagine if aliens just like gave us a bunch of free shit and then just never did again. Right, exactly. Like if they just came down and I don't know what these spoiled rich people would buy that aliens could just replace for free.

Cars, exactly. Well, then the auto manufacturing sector goes out of business. And then where do you get your next car? The aliens have moved on to another plan. Yeah, where would you get your Fiat? Exactly. Or your Skyon. Skyon.

But this guy in is an alien car, so it works. So here's a quote from the New York Times. This is an interview with Tom Shoes' quote, Chief Giving Officer. Terrible. Oh, and by the way, no, that's not the CEO. No, CGO. CGO, right.

Tom's doesn't have a CEO. It has a CSG, a chief shoe giver. I'm absolutely not kidding. Oh, my gosh. Is he in charge of the whole company? He's, yeah, he's the, you know, the CEO of Tom Shoes, that Blake Mikoski, who looks like a super dude. That sounds like a thing.

He looks like the guy that steals your girlfriend. Yeah. An asshole. Yeah, fucking dick. So, I have done that. Oh, yeah. Way to be proud. So here's what the chief giving officer said, quote,

if we begin to create an environment where shoes are available, we hope the local shoe industry will take this up and start selling shoes. Yeah. Because people in Africa have no idea what shoes are. Yeah, it's a good thing you went and introduced them to the concept of shoes and selling shoes by giving shoes away for free. You sell t-shirts. It would be like, if I went to all your fans that gave them free Maddox t-shirts

and was like, well, I'm introducing your fans to the concept of t-shirts. No, no, no, no, serious, don't do that. I don't need you to do that. No, no, please, it's for their own good. They're going to take these t-shirts. You're like them. No, you're undercutting my market. I can't sell t-shirts if you're giving away for free?

How will my douche-back customers feel good if I don't give away your t-shirt for free? Well, you're right, a serious, good argument. I guess I'll go out of business. See you later, sucker. You know what it is? It's like if someone from the future came back in time and just gave away copies of your next book. And then you're like, well, what about me? Fine, fuck it, I'm not writing any more books.

But it's helping people, right? They want that book. Yeah, it's a short-term game, but we've lost an artist. That's not good. Yeah. Yeah. Who's making these shoes, by the way? Well, let me tell you.

Thank you, Thank you, Byron Allen, for setting me up. So here's the thing. Where are Tom's shoes made? I went down to Whole Foods, literally, I went down to Whole Foods, and I put on a protective hazmat suit, and I went into Whole Foods,

and I pulled a pair of Tom's off the shelf. Well, surprise, surprise. The pair I look at, it's made in China. You know? Yeah, China. That bastion of workers' rights, China. Yeah, every liberal's first. favorite country where everyone learns a living wage and you know everybody is happy and they all

have all the food and medicine they need they got great air oh wait it's fucking china where the only reason they stopped selling poisoned baby food was that an important baby died wait which baby i don't know some politicians baby yeah yeah oh so this is interesting assyroo so they manufacture tens of thousands, probably millions of these shoes, right? In China. In China. Then they ship it to the U.S. and then they ship them from China to Africa. So it's two destinations. They're shipping these shoes. I have a question. So they have to work twice as much in order to give themselves, in order to get spoiled rich people to buy free shoes for them. Yes. Well, I don't even think they go to China. I think they go to Africa. So those people

are just shoot out of luck with shoes. So, but, but, but, but, actually, Actually, Maddox, that is a really brilliant summation. The made in the USA blog made a similar summation. So when you buy Tom's shoes, they're made in China, Haiti, Indonesia. So there, you're robbing an American manufacturer of their manufacturing job. Then you send those free shoes to Africa. They get him for free. You're robbing an African guy of his shoe-making job.

You, wearing those headphones, wearing Tom's shoes. Every time you take a step, you're killing two jobs. And you know what's so insidious about this? hysterios is those shoes look like they could be made by some local African shoe cobbler, right? They look like shit. Like if you had no tools and very little power and whatever environment

you were working in, very like sub- internet, sub-electric, those are the type of shoes you would make. They have the capability to manufacture good fucking shoes and send them to Africa. They're not. They're sending them the types of shoes they would make if they could. Right, exactly. Yes, they are sending, they are

often sending shoes that don't work in the appropriate climate. Like, Like in America, you can wear douchey, flimsy shoes because if something goes wrong, you can probably go get another pair of shoes. You're probably not walking in a super duper hot. I have different shoes for that. Well, yeah, exactly.

If it's raining, you go wear your rain galoshes. If it's this, you know, it's just to make duchess college kids feel happy that they're giving another pair of shoes to someone they'll never see. They're not buying shoes. They're buying a narrative. Yep. They want to feel good about doing something with, Without doing anything.

Without doing shit. Exactly. We should do that. Every time someone listens to this podcast, we should go shout at someone in need. About the problems they're having in their life. Hey, I got an idea. Seriously, for every one download we get,

let's send a download to a kid in a book. That's good. That's good. Buy one, give one. I love it. You philanthropist, you. And then you can write off those donated downloads, pay less on your American taxes,

put more money in your pocket. it now you're ahead of the game twice. But we may be putting a couple of satirists in Africa out of business. God damn it. We don't have to go all the way to Africa. There's bums on the street in L.A. Yeah, that's true. We could help out those bums.

We could give them beats headphones and give them our podcast for free. I'm sure people would love to listen to that. That'd be great. Hearing two homeless people fight over a can of beans. And I'm not sure. Every time I see someone wearing beats too, sorry, bring this up from way past, But every time I see someone We're in beats too

I'm not sure They might be a hipster They might be homeless Because it can go either way Okay so hysterios Yes I agree This is a big problem

I think that These these These Tom's guys Are probably a subset Of nut hugging Android I mean really at the end of the day Well the Tom's guys are rich

So they probably use iPhones So we're at odds So this is like a This is an ideology battle We're at right now Me and you? I guess yeah That's what I'm saying.

Whatever. Okay, so let me, so I'll just, I would wrap it up with this. I went to the Tom's website. A pair of, this is the name of a pair of men's shoes they have. The quote, Navy Tom's Plus brocade classics. Brocade? The Brocade classics plus. It's a name so douchey.

It may as well have gone to film school. These shoes cost a hundred and twenty-two. $20. Okay? These shoes cost $120. How about this guy? How about you go buy some flip-flops, which provide just as much support as this Tom's garbage?

Yeah. And then you take the other $110 that you didn't spend, and you give them to me, a stereos coconut. Bravo. I'll use some of it to help. I'll help. I'm sure I'll help. Whatever.

Give it to me. I'm a digital cyber TV. Give it to this guy. The bottom line is. If you want to help people, you fucking go out and help people. You take your money. Go buy a $20 pair of shoes. Right.

Give the other $20 to a poor person on the street. You know, go donate to a fucking food bank in America. There's one in five kids are starving in America. Sure. You know, don't do this bullshit where you buy shitty-looking shoes to feel better about yourself. It's garbage. Same thing. Same goes with food and everything else that comes over the narrative.

You know what? I can give you guys a narrative. I can jerk you off with some. Hey, you're buying a, buy one of my T-shirts, and some kid in Africa will be a little bit happier for a day. Don't know how. But somewhere in Africa. And it's always Africa.

Africa's always the dark continents where everyone's starving and dying, right? Right. Well, speaking of... They are, right? That's true. Well, it's interesting. Because speaking of, I want to bring up my problem this week, which is anti-vaxxers. Okay.

Oh. Yeah. You guys lost. Yeah, that's a big problem. I just lost the game. Yeah, well, you guys know what these are, right? These are people who are anti-vaccination. Okay?

Yeah. Let me read you some... interesting statistics. This is from motherjones.com. In California in 2010, 10 children died in a whooping cough outbreak. 10 children died. You know how many kids died that

year from gun violence, like guns in school, gun shootings, school shootings? How many would you guess? No, 20, 30? No, that's a good guess. One. But 10 kids died from whooping cough. Right. And that's interesting because

it's on the rise. because of anti-vaccination people. So this is from the CDC website. This is the morbidity rate for various viruses from the 20th century and from 2010. Because of vaccination, smallpox went from, in the 20th century, we had 29,000 cases of smallpox. In 2010, we had zero. That's 100% decrease. Diphtheria, 21,000.

In 2010, zero. Pertusis. This is actually whooping cough. This is the actual disease whooping cough. as you get on Oregon Trail. How many people died from failed river fordings? Yeah, or bandits. Oh, yeah, the bandits.

Those fucking bandits. There's not a vaccination for that. Pertucas is whooping cough. $200,000. And in 2010, only $21,000. That's an 89% decrease. Tedness, 580 in the 20th century, and down to eight.

So this is what vaccination is solving, right? And now it's on the rise. May I interrupt you just briefly? I believe all these statistics, obviously, but the people that don't vaccinate their kid are not going to be convinced by statistics. So it's like, what the fuck do we do? Like, I know that on this program,

you don't necessarily talk about solutions, but like, seriously, like, what the fuck do you do? You can yell a million statistics. You can get a thousand doctors. It's the same thing is the global warming thing. They buy this narrative they want to believe, like Tom's shoes buyers, like, how do you fix this? What do you do?

It's almost like you could bring in statistics. proving that one phone platform is shitty, and you just for some reason cannot ever convince that person. Yeah, because statistics don't fucking matter. That's the point. That's the point we're making, is that, yeah, the reason that this started, which you didn't cover, are you going to cover that yet, is because people are afraid that vaccinations give their kids autism, right?

Right, right. That's, well, that's the fear, the misplaced fear. So, according to this Mother Jones article, it's interesting you guys bring up the reason in statistics. They tried to convince people who, who were anti-vaccination with four different methods to convince them to vaccinate their children. Here are the four things that they tried.

The first message was called the Autism Correction Approach. So it was a factual science-heavy correction of false claims that the MMR vaccine causes autism, citing multiple studies that disprove these claims, right? So they sent a bunch of these people, these pamphlets saying, hey, this is just false. The second attempt was called the disease risks. They simply listed the risks of contracting

measels, mumps, or rubella, and describing nasty complications, right? They sent another group of people those pamphlets. Then the third message was the disease narrative approach, which told a true story about a 10-month-old whose temperature shot up to 106 degrees after he contracted measles in a waiting room, right? Pretty scary stuff. Sounds good. That one sounds good.

Yeah, we got a winner. I'm bet on that horse. All right. And then number four. Hopefully that kid died. I'm rubbing my hands together. Unless the fourth one is like a story like that, but all lies to make it way worse. And then I'm betting on that one.

Right, like an anti-vaxxer raped someone. Come on. Let's hear it. Nope. And then number four is simply called the disease images approach. So they send people pamphlets that they sent the subject's images of diseased children. So, you know, just really gross-looking kids with measles and mumps, et cetera. Hearing the frightening narrative actually increased respondents' likelihood of thinking that getting vaccines will cause serious side effects from 7.7% to 13.8%.

Wait, it backfired? Yep. Every single one of these approaches not only didn't change their minds, but in some instances increased the likelihood of them to not vaccinate the children. I get that.

There's that thing where like anytime a Democrat talks about taxes, the message you take away is that Democrat's going to raise my taxes. Like it doesn't matter. They could be like, I've lowered taxes a million times. I don't pay tax myself.

I hate taxes. And you're like, that fucking donkey's going to raise my goddamn taxes. Yeah. It's depressing, man. I've got a solution, though, because this worked on me. When this first came out, in my... My first step when there's a controversy is to find someone I know who's an expert and just ask them.

Because I don't want to read a bunch of garbage that I don't really believe anyway. Yeah, just listen to some guy. Yeah. He said expert. Yeah, sure. Come on. Okay. So, and what do you find?

So I asked my mom, because she works with, like, autism all day. She works with autistic kids all day. Sure. And I was like, hey, uh, this seems. they're saying that these vaccinations are a cause of autism maybe. It seems like that might be true. What do I know? Maybe you get a bunch of vaccinations at the same time.

It screws up with your developing brain. Have you read about this? Is there anything? Is there any truth to it? And my mom gave me a look and a tone that I have never received from her in my life. She just goes, Dick. No. And I felt so ashamed to myself for even bringing it up

that I never questioned it again and became violently anti-anti-vaxxers. Maybe I think I'm a lot smarter than I am. Yeah. And that worked for me. So if we can just get all these people's moms on the phone and have them call them up and give them, you know, that mom look and tone, problem solved.

Yeah. Well, because none of these, not a single one of these approaches was successful. Yeah, you got to make people feel ashamed of being seen. stupid. But that, see, but shame often works in the opposite. Like, if 10 people are calling like a global warming denier an idiot, often that person will be like, well, I must be right. You know, like, I must be onto something. If the man is so against me, oh, so this is what the system thinks, huh? I'm going to be a rebel. Like, you know, no, that's exactly right. And they also, these people don't want to be, they don't want to be educated. They just want, they don't

want the info, they just want to be right. Well, that's the thing. And they'll double down on it. It's the, do you, did you talk about the sunk cost fallacy? What's that? Okay, I thought that was on this podcast. Well, there's the thing where at some point you've lost so much money that to stop

would be an admission that you were wrong in the first place. It's why people continue to gamble even when they're down. Because they're like, well, if I don't keep gambling, then it was stupid to have done this in the first place. Like, I feel like there's a lot of anti-vax and a lot of, you know, anti-global warming nuts

that at some level know they're wrong, but they're just all in at this point. And to pull out and to say I was wrong will cause them so much shame that they'd rather give their kids fucking flippers and they'd rather live on a goddamn cinder. Well, this is why it's a problem because I used to think that this was funny.

Like the anti-vaxxers, like, I'm not vaxying my kids. Like, I'm not vaxying my kids. Cool. It used to be funny because it's like, Oh, because you're listening to Jenny McCarthy. You're using to a girl that's not even that hot anymore, and that's convincing you? All right, idiot.

So I see in my mind just like a shitty gene pool, and these guys are collectively yanking the plug as it's right about to drain their whole stupid line right down the drain. Awesome. It says it's only going to nail you. But now, because all these kids are these incubators of diseases that we think we fixed a long time ago, they're infecting everybody else.

So it's actually a big problem. Right, they're infecting vaccinated kids, and that's the fucking problem. So who is to blame here? Who do you guys think? Jenny McCarthy. Jenny McCarthy? Yeah. Actually, it's more general than that.

I mean, she's part of the problem for sure. But guess who listens to Jenny McCarthy? Rich people. Right, yep. Rich people are the problem. Enjoy that one, Dick. Use that sound bite. Here's the, here.

How are rich people the problem? How much do these people spend on their stakes? I don't know, but I guarantee they use iPhones and have more sex. Yeah. Yeah. These unvaccinated dipshits are having more sex. Listen to this. According to the Atlantic, wealthy L.A. schools vaccination rates are as low as South Sudan's.

Yeah. So speaking of sending vaccinations to Africa, hey, why don't we just send him to Malibu? Yeah, but that is a skewed statistic because you're talking about Los Angeles. Of course it is. Like that cannot be for rich people across the country. No, it's actually, so this is rich people not just in Los Angeles, but in Australia. They checked in in Georgia. These are all rich communities that aren't vaccinating.

So in some schools, up to 60 to 70% of parents have filed these PBEs. It's a personal belief exemption. That's what the PBE stands for. Indicating a vaccination rate, excuse me, indicating a vaccination rate as low as that of Chad or South Sudan. Unlike in Santa Monica, however, parents in South Sudan have trouble getting their children vaccinated because of an ongoing civil war. Oh my God. Yeah, no civil war in Santa Monica, just a bunch of dipshits driving around

in their Priuses, listening to their iPhones. So are they not allowed to go to school now? No. I heard talk that they were going to keep all these... I heard talk that in New York they were going to stop. I don't know if it's official yet, but I heard that like unvaccinated kids may not be able to go to New York public schools.

Yeah, they should be allowed. They should just be, you know what, why don't you just buy them coffins? Put them in coffins. Ship them, just one big mass grave of rich dipshits. Here you go, morons. Get right in the fucking coffin. Oh, he's with rich people.

Such an agenda against rich people. Because these are the morons. Like, they think they're smarter and better than everyone. And they don't give a fuck about you or anyone else. That is exactly correct. You know that statistic that, like, you're more likely to be hit by a guy driving a BMW than a Toyota Corolla. It's absolutely true. When you have more money, you think you're special.

You think that poor people are just stupid and that's why they're poor, not that the system is rigged against them. And so, and because nothing bad has ever happened to you, Because a fucking shitload of the wealth in America is inherited. So you grew up living a charmed life where you had absolutely no problems. You're like, well, my kid won't have any problems if I don't vaccinate him because nothing bad ever happens to me. Cut two, baby coffin. Bravo. I had to actually pull up that sound.

Or you just have more time in the day to think about how fucking crazy everything might be. Oh, sure. That's not. When you're working 10 hours a day, you don't have time to sit around thinking about what might give your kids. kid autism. Yeah, because that's where smarts come from, huh, Dick? It's thinking, not reading. It's not smarts! So listen to this. According to salon.com, one public elementary school in Malibu, an affluent beach town just north of Los Angeles, reported that only 58% of their students are immunized.

58%. The CDC's goal is 90. You keep going back to Los Angeles. This is not like other places. This is like alternative lifestyle tree-hugging grassroots. Roots. Like, this is, that is not a... This is where Jenny McCarthy lives. This is like Mordor. But America's thought leaders

come from Los Angeles in New York. Like, we make the TV and the movies. Jenny McCarthy is a fucking entertainer. She's a TV star. She goes on the view. She talked... She didn't mention the anti-VAC stuff on the view because she had to tone it down

to try to keep her job. But she was a fucking celebrity and people listen to celebrities. Unfortunately, they do. Who are the most out-of-touch people? And this whole town is a collection of castoffs and just people who do not fit in anywhere else. Did you guys hear that the Richmeister lost his job because of his anti-vaccination views?

Now who's it? This was awesome. So Rob Schneider, who played the Richmeister on S&L, making copies, the Rob, the Robster, Rob-O-Rama. He started doing these ads for State Farm, where he was like, State Farm Arama, save you money, Rama. And they fired him because he's an anti-vaxer. And State Farm's like, no, we want people to get vaccines. When they don't get vaccines, we have to take care of their deformed flipper babies.

And that costs a lot of money. And that, by the way, is how I think you could solve this problem. A lot of times you don't talk about solutions on this show. Here's one. Don't insure unvaccinated kids. Yep. Because these rich assholes will pay attention to money. Or charge them like a $100,000 premium.

Once you make, once you bring money, into the equation and you make that to stick, I feel like you could solve this problem. And I feel like there's something in it for insurance companies and for hospitals. Hospitals will be like, look, we'll treat your unvaccinated kid, but you have to have a million dollar deductible or some shit.

Just make it impossible to have an unvaccinated kid operate within the regular system, and I think you can solve the problem. Yeah, now you're not, because that's a choice. Like, now you're not allowed to not insure people due to pre-existing conditions. Yeah. But it's like that, that's a choice.

It's like, I'm allowed to not hire you if you have a tattoo on your face of a swastika. That's a choice. And I love this tattoo. You guys, I'm sorry to ruin your libertarian fantasy world. But this is America. You can be as stupid as you want. And as long as a bunch of assholes with guns

say you have to get insured no matter what, you get insured. Think of something else. Another solution. Great, that's true. Well, listen, I just want to make a point to what Sean said. This is just a wealthy, weird Los Angeles problem. Well, because that's all you've cited. Okay, well, here we go.

So this is, some of Sydney's, this is from smh.com.com. It's a news website. There's another huge, Australia is another huge alternative medicine country. Yeah, man, they're crazy over there. You can look this shit up. They have like internet censorship all over this place. Cherry picked as can be. I'm not saying you did it.

I'm saying the site did it. I'm saying you did it. I'm not telling you, look, you can't say all of Australia. Okay, Dick. Listen, you can't say all about Australia because this is the Sydney's wealthiest areas have much lower immunization rates. Experts fear that children could be at risk

from deadly but preventable diseases. The prestigious northern and eastern suburbs, Manly and Inner Sydney, are four of the nine NSW local areas listed by the National Health Performance Authority as being at risk because of outbreaks because of low vaccination rates. I mean, I believe that it's rich people

just because they have time to sit around being worried about shit all day. Okay, Dick. They're going to do whatever it takes to try to protect their kids. and they have more resources, they just got conned into doing this. That sucks, but you need to think of a better ad. Just like you're not hugging Android shit,

you've got to think of a better ad than what you're doing. Well, sure, I have a theory, but I just want to finish reading this from Salon. It says, high education levels can enhance rather than deter anti-vax beliefs. They're people who believe that they can know anything and know as much as their doctor, if not more, by simply studying it and reading about it.

Many of these people, yeah, on WebMD, and they just make up their own opinions, or whatever, like anti-bullshit website, these weird alternative health websites that they read. Many of these people, he added, are used, this is the doctor they're quoting, are used to being in control of their lives and at their jobs and want to control this aspect of their lives as well.

These are people who feel entitled, they feel like they're allowed to tell everybody, everything. They know better than everyone because they've been, they have these charmed lives, they've never had, they've never been told no, like that dipshit who shot up all the, the college in Santa Barbara. That guy was never told no.

Yeah, he was a misogynist, but he was also an entitled shithead who felt entitled to everything in his life. These are the people who aren't vaccinating their children. And according to Washington Post, no group within the county has lower immunization rates than residents living between Malibu and Marina del Rey, home to some of the wealthiest and most exclusive suburbs in the country.

At the Kabbalah Children's Academy in Beverly Hills, for example, 57% of the children are unvaccinated, and at the Wardoff Early Childhood Center in Santa Monica, 68%. Well, it spreads like a disease through that community, too. Yeah. Because they just talk, oh, I'm not immunizing, you know, I'm not vaccinating my kid.

No. Oh, I'm not either. And they get together and they just, you know, what's a Winston Churchill quote? A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth can put its pants on. Yeah. It's like the shit just spreads like wildfire.

That's a good quote. Yeah, so these are killing more people. You know how many people died nationally in 2010 from school shootings? Seven. Seven. Seven kids. So 10, just in California, 10 died from whooping cough. Yet that's not on the fucking headlines. But we got a school shooting.

Seven kids died. Let's make a big fucking deal out of it. I know what you're saying. Everybody just shut up with the anti-gun stuff. Just fucking cool it. You're part of the problem. Right? Period. And I didn't have a second part of that. Well, that is super indicative. because it's like there's just, you can tell a gun nut the statistic that like,

you are four times more likely to die by your own hand if you have a gun in your house. It's like, that's not going to stop someone that wants a gun. No. Yeah, of course. I just want to end on this note here. There's a couple of dangerous websites out there. And I rarely would ever classify a website as dangerous. But this is dangerous in terms of just the misinformation and how much traffic these websites get.

There's one that's called real pharmacy.com with an F. Real Pharmacy with an F.com. They have an article titled, U.S. government openly admits vaccines are seriously harming children. They didn't. That's not true. It's total misinformation and lies.

And another one is worldtruth. tv. Guys, if you link to worldtruth. TV on my fucking Facebook wall, I'm going to, well, I'm not going to delete you, but I'm going to berate you because you're fucking morons.

I get those like four or five times. They're conspiracy dipships. These are the Alex Joan nut jobs. These are the people, you know, the Bilderberg group, dumb asses. and the World Trade Center, seventh tower, bullshit, moron.

Excuse me, to be fair, the lizard people are coming. And if we don't prepare now, it will be too late. As I'm a digital cyber TV. Says hysterios. Yeah, so worldtruth.tv, don't go to that website. It's full of bullshit and lies. And I wouldn't even say half-truths. Maybe quarter-truths, tenths truths, if that's a thing.

lies sell it's like i bet i bet those sites that do really good traffic and get really good r oi on those banners it's like you know it's people want to fucking believe it the problem with this anti-vaccine thing unfortunately is it's not it doesn't just affect you these kids don't have a say like these kids can't advocate on their own behalf they're just going to grow up disadvantaged and some of them are going to be seriously hurt i think i i read in slate there was an account from a woman who grew up unvaccinated and got polio. And this is 2014. She's fucking polio in 2014.

And she's like, every day of my life is really hard. And so, you know, it sucks because her parents didn't want to believe. And now she's got to pay the price. And because we're talking about communicable diseases, you could vaccinate your kids 18 times. And it doesn't matter. An unvaccinated kid can hurt your vaccine. So, you know, it's fucking terrible. It's a shitty, selfish thing done by shitty, selfish people.

Yeah. Rich people. Yeah, it's like not getting an STD test when you think you might have an STD, right, you guys? Dick. Wait, what? Dick. Did you do that? No.

What are we talking about here? Yeah. I'll tell the next episode. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Here we go. All right. So what are the problems this week?

Problems are, um, how did I say? Nut hugging. Hold on. I wrote it. Dick changed it. I might vote for Dix, even though I disagree. I might vote for Dix,

because I think this title is funny. Not hugging Android fanboy cheerleaders like you, that's how I said it the first time, who would rather jerk off over features and stats in their basements while they're building their fucking super powered PCs, then talk to a woman on the phone. Yeah, you want all that in the title? You know, whatever.

I do. That'd be great. Not hugging Android fanboys. Why don't we put the entire transcript of the episode is your problem? It's so fucking long. I read the transcript. Have you ever read our transcript? Have you read the transcript?

I have not yet. I was reading it just to see what it looked like, and I got sucked in. Who does them? Lori Foster. There's two people doing them right now. Megan Panuck and Lori Foster. Lori Foster's been doing them for a long time, and Megan's just started doing them as well. But yeah, thanks those guys.

They're doing a great job. So I was reading them, and I noticed that they throw in these little comments, like, smiling in parentheses. So I'm reading and it's like, smiling, what the fuck? Like, when did I say that? Like, sarcastically. Like, they throw in all these little editorial things. It's great. That's awesome.

That's necessary. Absolutely. Because it's, yeah, the people who are reading this are not hearing, you know, the tone of your voice. So it's like they need to interpret that. And then I got halfway through and I was like, man, I wish someone could read this to me. I'm sick of reading it. Yeah, it's pretty audible.com. Yeah, I was wondering if it's at audible podcast.com slash biggest.

I wonder if you're going to start staging episodes of the show like plays in black box theaters. Because with the transcript, that's all you'd need. That'd be incredible. Oh, man, if we had like a dramatic reading of our parts, especially our angry, sweaty rants and back and forth at each other, about stupid shit like being a road rage and... You are, have you got that checked out yet? Your road rage disease? That's communicable.

That's more communicable than measles, probably. I don't know. Well, apparently every BMW driver has it. Not hugging Android fan Not hugging Android fan boys Okay, okay, we got it And then mine is anti-vaxers Well, Asteroos too, you got...

And I got Tom's Shoes. Oh yeah, Tom's Shoes, Astero's, has Tom's shoes, right? Yes, Tom's shoes. And Anti-Vaxers is my problem this week. And I also want to say thanks again for coming in And we want to plug your mini comic That you just released, it's enemies of 20-something Mega Man, which sounds hilarious.

They all sound like my friends, by the way. A lot of them are your friends. I based all of these Mega Man villains on comedians, I know. Oh, yes, absolutely. So buy the comic at Devastatorpress.com slash Mega Man and go through it and see if you can figure out who is who. So what are your, which one is your favorite? What's your favorite Mega Man, 20-something Mega Man villain?

I think my favorite, I think it'd be a tie between Won't Stop Talking About His Open Marriage Man and really hardcore about karaoke man. I think those two guys really... Oh, God. Can you see the L.A. duches these people are based on? So many douchebags. The hardcore karaoke guy, I didn't know existed until I moved out here. And started talking to these weirdos.

It was like, oh, man, you gotta come to karaoke every Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Monday. We go to Japan Town, Little Tokyo, Vietnamese, Vietnamans town. Every little pocket. They know everywhere there's karaoke all the time. And I don't want to know any of them. You never want to go. Anytime someone has their karaoke go-to, it's like, I don't want to hang out with that person. Like, you know, oh, my God.

I like the open relationship one. Have you ever, have you ever hooked up with a girl who's been in an open relationship? You know, I've talked to a few of them on dating sites. Did they talk about anything that wasn't their open relationship? No, never. It's always that full-time, oh, this is what we do. Here's our arrangement. This is blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

I'm like, all right, all right, I get it. I get it. We're just going to hook up. That's what this is. Real quick, I'm sorry, Asteroos, the computer that we're recording this on and a Mac froze during this recording. So, sorry, what were you saying?

Because the drives fall. If I could just say how fucking happy this nut-hugging Android fanboy is that a working professional engineer, Sean, customized these settings for you, for our fucking guest, our wonderful guest. You are gleeful that something he did has caused a small, small technical interruption.

I want to back that up and say that if we had lost this entire episode due to that crash, it would have been worth it for you to have been, quote, right, unquote, in that moment. That's what you think is right. I'm just happy. A pettiest man. Small technical difficulty. I'm so petty. But here's the thing.

Sean's a professional. It's not his fault. It's Apple's fault for making shitty hardware that just works, right? It was a hard. It was a space on the hard drive issue. Hard drive space is hard drive space. It's pornography's fault. Sure, you know, but it's still recording somehow.

So something happened. still that broke it down during the middle of recording. That's why we better end it. Let's go, let's go. Let's go. All right, guys. Thank you, Asteroos for being here. Thank you, guys. Come by any time, please.

Thank you. That's so nice. Yeah, so check it out. The biggest problem in the universe.com. Vote on these problems. We'll link to Assyriose's mini comic. And thanks for listening. Have a good one.