The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 22

Episode Date: May 3, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe. I'm Maddox. With me, is Dick Masterson. Hey, buddy, how's it going? Happy to be here. Great. And as always, Sean, our audio engineer. Hi, Sean.

Hi. So, Dick, last week we had our guest, Asteroos in studio. And he brought in our third ever guest problem. Did pretty well. My problem trounced everyone else's. God. Anti-vaxxers. And it's almost in the top ten already.

Oh, good for you, man. Yeah. Yeah. Good for me, indeed. Way to appreciate your guest. Yeah. He was a great guest, everybody loved him. Everybody did love him, but I do appreciate my problem more than anything else.

But Asteris, actually, we got a lot of praise for that episode. People really, really liked Asterios. They said that he matched our angry, frenetic energy and yelled about as much as we did. Some people commented that it was our angriest episode yet. You know, that's what I like about Asterios' comedy, and that's why I was excited to get him in here. he's a very funny guy, but there's always that carebear of hatred in him that you and I share where you can just, where he posts these jokes and they're always very funny, but every once and a while, he'll slip one through the goalie that's not even a joke. It's just like a bunch of

hate. I'm like, yes, that's how I know you're a guy. Exactly. That's how I know you're a guy. I know he's on, he's on the right side, right? He'll mention those. He'll slip those in. I'm like, okay, I get it. I read between the lines, buddy. I'm on your page, 10-4. I think he had a good time too. Yeah, no, it was a really fun episode. And we, and I keep telling people in real life, I did a talk today for about three hours of this industry workshop and people were coming up and

praising the podcast and I told them that basically when it ends, we don't stop. Oh, no. The podcast ends, but we still bitch at each other for hours afterwards. Well, I don't know if you remember this, but when we were talking about getting this started, I

refused to argue with you any more at lunch until we were doing a show about it. Do you remember that? I don't. I don't only because we still argue at lunch. Yeah, well, now, I'll start up with you again. I think we were fighting about Bitcoins or something. Yeah.

And I was like, you know what? This is too much work for not putting it down somewhere. Not getting it out to you. No, no, no. I do this all the time regardless, but you're right. Okay, so we got some comments. What do you have this week? I got a voicemail.

Well, it's about Osterios' problem, if you want to start with that. Let's hear it. Yeah, it's actually about all the problems. This guy, well, this guy shits on you for bringing in basically a problem as a derivative of something you've discussed before. Oh, great. Which is true. He has a point. Monkeys?

Because every problem's derivative of monkeys. No, no. Well, I'll let him tell it. Hey, guys. Love what you do. My name is Mark. Dick, your problem of Android Van Boys is a continuation of Maddox's iPhone. problem is pretty obvious but you guys are so funny

I don't know if that's true continuation it's like the opposite yeah the exact opposite actually it's yours your problem of anti-vaxxers is a continuation of your other problem of conspiracy dipshit so your guest boisterous

coconuts or whatever the fuck his name was is the only person who actually had a real problem that episode sorry did you catch that yeah what do you call them boisterous coquinuts boister's coconuts so your guest Boisterous coconuts

Or whatever the fucking name was The only person Who actually had a real problem In that episode So I guess you should win With Tom's shoes Which you're pretty shitty You guys are right

Keep on doing what you're doing Love you guys Hey you're doing everything wrong Keep on doing what you're doing What was that guy's name? It wasn't boisterous coconuts I think it was Mark Now I'm going to call him boisterous

Boisterous Mark Boisterous coconuts Boisterous coconut Yeah there you go Is that a Is that a sound pull you guys? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm pulling sounds now.

I got a comment from Lori Foster as well. You remember we were talking about the transcripts? Yes, Lori has been so graciously transcribing these episodes along with Megan Pennock. Yeah, what did she say? She says, thanks for the shout-out guys, smiley face. Dick, I would be happy to also read the transcript in my best phone sex voice and record it for you if you'd like. Then a tongue-out, smiley face. Oh, man.

You get boners for emoticons. Yeah, I love them. Yeah. We got to do that. Yeah. We have to do that. Please, anybody do that. Anybody with a sexy voice who is a woman, please do that.

I will extend that to men. It'd be just for the sake of comedy. Someone sent us a trans... We're going to do this in a future episode, though, but a little transcript of Asteroos and I nerding out about our Android phones. And it did, just reading the transcript does look a little too sexy.

Yeah. So we'll be bringing that in. I got a comment from Matt Tamasi. He says, Maddox, Out of all the things that make iPhones shit, I can't believe you haven't mentioned the fact that Apple has an overall fascist ideology, and that alone is enough to never buy their products. Jesus Christ!

Example, Dick? Fascist? Yes. Like the Nazis? Apple is like the Nazis. A company. Go ahead. Let me finish.

They banned my website in their stores, Dickhead. They banned the blockchain Bitcoin app soon after they patented something called IMoney. Fuck Apple. They don't treat their customers like adults. They ban adult software. They ban adult things, and they ban this Bitcoin software now. And they banned me from their stores. What more is there?

You guys wouldn't even be listening to this podcast if you all had iPhones and went to Apple stores. They ban people. They're fascism. It's not fascism. You can listen to our podcast on iTunes, though. So go subscribe to it. I'm not talking about iPhones anymore. There's too much iPhones.

Yeah, I agree. I agree. I agree. But that was a comment. Someone posted. And it just had to get read. Subscribe on Stitcher. Subscribe on Stitcher instead. I fully support Stitcher SoundCloud. Okay, what do you got?

Here's another voicemail. It's actually germane to this conversation we're having right now. About three, get on. Hey, Maddox. My name's Dominic Mazzone. You're a fucking idiot. That's it. Oh, great. Dominic, Donic? What's his name? I'm going to say Donic. I don't know. What a moron. Well, then he goes on to here. I'll play the rest of it. Oh, so there's more. Okay.

Yeah, but he tried to record the podcast in the middle of being played on, like, another speaker. Oh. You can't do that. Idiot. So. Yeah, right? It sounds like garbage. No, no, no, you can't do that, man.

Yeah. Sounds like you tried to record a drive-thru, you're moron. Quit while you're ahead. Just drop the idiot and leave. Or just don't call. I got one from Ivan Satalo. He says, iPhone users lie more about how much sex they have. Not surprised.

You got me. Yeah. I got... Oh, here, actually. I'm gonna... I'm gonna read you a very special email that I got. Great. Okay.

No more cheap shots. Okay. We're done with having... Oh, here we go. Comment cheap shots this episode. No more cheap shots? All right. Fucking asshole.

So do you remember, I think it was about 15 episodes ago or so, when I said that a great line is to ask a girl what her father's like? You see, just like throw it out there. Hey, what's your dad like? And I said that... was a terrible idea in case there's an abusive relationship or he's not in the picture. Okay. But let me just say, you want to wait for the plane?

We can wait for the plane. Yeah. But I was going to say, he sees those things as good. Yeah. Well, I just don't see anything else. I mean, to be fair. Anyway, a guy sends me an email. Hey, so Dick, I use that.

This is from But Sanchez. I don't think that's his real name. So I use that what's your dad like line on a chick and do. you were absolutely right, banged her shortly afterwards. Right. From Sean. So I said, hey, what happened? Tell me the story, right?

So I'm doing a new... What are you jerking off all of this guy right to do the story? Well, not yet. Oh, man. I'm starting a new segment today. I'm going to read you the email, the story that he said me. Here's the intro. The biggest problem in the universe presents erotic stories from real men.

How do you like that? Gross. That is kind of gross. I feel like I've been violated. All right, let me read you this guy's story. All right, I know you hate long emails, but it's a story, so you got a deal. I get a message from a girl on OKCupid. We talk for like a half hour.

Then she's like, well, what are you doing tonight? My parents took my kid to Florida. I got my first night without him in years. Blah, blah, blah. Pretty good, right. I love the dialogue to this porno a lot. So I'm like, cool. Single lonely mom.

who needs some young loving. She's 29 and I'm 24, but this broad is smoking hot. A little on the chubby side, but in a good way. Okay. Chubby is fine if they got big titties and big ass. And big ass, singular. But yeah, a couple minutes in as I come by, she's like, if you're looking to get laid tonight, that's not happening.

I'm not that easy. Oh. Right? Okay. So this guy's got a night ahead of him. Sure. Yeah, sure. So we go out to the bar, we get tipsy, bartenders hitting on her the entire time,

but it gives me a platform to spit my game. And in a way, he's my wingman without realizing it. Also, he keeps giving her free drinks, so that's less money I got to spend. All right. Great, this guy sounds like a real peach. This is a real man, Maddix. Real men don't have women throwing themselves at them all the time, all right? You spoiled prick.

Sounds like a real desperate man. Yeah, we got to work for it. So go ahead. All I heard was baby and Florida. And it's like, yeah, that's all you need to know. That's a real fucking world deal with it. Dude, this guy's not dating a chick. He's dating a landmine.

Okay, hold on. So we're outside smoking a cigarette, and she's like, oh, I'm having so much fun, but don't let that go to your head. Mm-hmm. So I dropped the dad line. That was my advice. Yeah, right, dick. And she starts talking about how she's adopted.

Oh, wow. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah. And her initial shield starts to go down. We go back to her place, and she's, She's like, want to get in the hot tub? And I'm like, you got a hot tub? I don't have a bathing suit.

Oh, what an idiot. The answer is always yes, you moron. And she's like, let's just get in naked. Okay. Word. Yeah. So we bang in the hot tub. No rubber.

Fucking awesome. So thank you for getting me laid with that hot milk. Great. You mean the hots. You can listen to a presentation of erotic stories of real men. All right. You hate that. Great. Yeah. No, I think it's hilarious.

So, that's good advice. No, dude, he banged a single mom. She's already had, popped a kid out. Who knows how many guys she's lured into that hot tub baby making cesspool of hers. Hey. Yeah. Well, the point is, my advice works. Sure or false.

Sure false. Yeah, but this. Yes. You don't want, okay, Dick, fine. All right? If that's the quality of, you know, you're picking up the fruit. that's fallen off the tree. Still delicious.

Still delicious food. It's a little bit off. It's a little bit off. Oh, man. Missing the supermodels over here. Come on. You wouldn't get a single mom? That's a few, I don't know, man.

I've considered it a few times. I've considered it a few times. But I'm not ready to be a father, man. Get out of here. Oh, I know you are. You're fucking ovaries ache for that shit, but not me, man. I'm just saying. I know.

I know you're just saying. I know you're just saying. No rubber? Hot tub, no rubber? That sounds like a good night. All thanks to me. Dick, you, this is like a compound. Like, every single bad decision is just being compounded here.

She's a single mom. It's in Florida. No rubber. The bartender's buying her drinks all night. And she sounds like a real, like, this guy's a moron, too. Like, oh, well, I don't have a bathing suit. What do I do? Well, I forgot my underwear.

What if I took my pants off? How dare you say that about my friend Butts Sanchez? Sorry, Butt Sanchez. Okay. You ready for a problem? Yeah, let's get to the problem. Before we do, we have a quick announcement to make. So, because a lot of people have commented in the comments about advertisements versus bonus episodes,

we've decided to do both. We want to offer a bonus episode that's a little bit different than the problems we normally bring in, but it's still similar to the show because we don't want people to have a separate set of problems to vote on for pay episodes and whatnot. So we're going to be, we're just announcing that. It's coming soon. I think you guys will be really excited about it's it's it's it's something dick and I are super excited about yeah I love doing this show uh if we can if we can sell a bonus episode and make some more money to

do the show with that would be just really fucking awesome you betcha all right what's your problem my problem is California drought dick bags oh okay if I if it's going where I think it is I'm 100% on board dick I think I think you'll be 100% on board with this I really do yeah And I brought in a shitload of stats. Great. So you better get a clean pair of underwear. Oh, man. I can't wait.

Okay. So this is why it happened. Keep in mind, if you live in L.A., if you live in California, every asshole you know will talk to you about the drought whenever they want. Right. It's everybody's crusade out here. They just want to remind you. It's as if seatbelts were just invented and everybody's just reminding you to buckle up.

which is save water, save water, save water. Right. So I was at this party with that guy that I brought back from Burning Man. Okay. My man. Dick, you got to mention, you can't just like gloss over something like that. This is a big nugget of information our listeners need to know about. Okay, so I brought, you know how, I brought a man back from Burning Man who saved me from getting chlamydia, by the way.

Okay. This is the story I was alluding to last week. He didn't rape you? No, no, shut up, Sean. So I was at Burning Me and I meet this guy He's a hell of a guy Nice guy, right? Yeah

And his life isn't going He lives in Oklahoma He's from Oklahoma And his life isn't going Like he wants it to be He just found out that his girlfriend Is cheating on him with like three guys Yeah

One of whom was his best friend Yeah one of him It was his best friend When he was a kid Still is Still is I don't get that but some guys These are the guys you're advising Dick

These are the guys who are taking advice from you And look at their life advice. No, you're the last person who should be giving anyone advice, let alone people who are broken. No, no, wait a minute. Why? Explain that. Because I totally disagree with you.

Oh, my. Well, Dick, first of all, your advice is chaotic. You always tend towards, so I have a group of friends who I trust, and you're one of them because you're consistent. Right. Your opinions, your advice is consistently bad. Like, I know, I know you're always going to give me the suggestion that is going to tend towards the most chaos and the most mischief. and the most fun. That's what you do, Dick.

And that's the same advice you're giving to Butte Sanchez, poor Pat Sanchez. That's what these guys need. Okay? They need to mix things up. Every once in a while, you've got to do a pattern break with your life and do the most ridiculous thing you can think of. All right, Dick, I'll bite. And in this case, it was, look, dude, I was like, you don't go back to Oklahoma. Just come to L.A.

Come live in L.A. with me. Get a job in L.A. Yeah. Fuck your ex-girlfriend. You show her. who's cool and who's living in L.A. Yeah. Getting shit-faced and living with me.

That sounds awesome, right? And the next day he was like, was that you or was that the drug stock? I was like, that was fucking me. Come, come live with me. You're my man now. Right? You know, like, like, like, what is his name? Race Banyan, what was his name?

And Johnny Quest, like, bodyguard that just like lived with them. It's like, what is, what is it, will you pay him? No, he just lives there. It takes care of stuff. All right. So that's this guy. So you brought home a dude from Burning Man. Well, but he saved me from getting chlamydia, not by not banging me either, Sean.

Yeah, but you avoided chlamydia, but then you brought home something worse. A live-in guest who just like hangs out all the time. That's fun, man. All right. A guy to have some funny conversations with. You guys had some funny conversations. Yeah, just a cool guy to hang around with. What's wrong with that?

Like Burton fucking Ernie over there. Look, a guy saves you from getting chlamydia, and you owe him. him. Okay. Okay. All right. I mean, you, no one forced you to have sex with someone who had chlamydia, which of course everyone at Burning Man does. Well, I didn't know that. Yeah, Mr. No Condum over here. That's how he saved me. So he saw me going with this little like raver slut out in the, or sorry, not, I think that's what they want to look like though. Yeah. Like they dress as like provocatively as possible. I don't think that's a pejorative, is it? They look like little, crazy little raverslets, whatever.

I'm going out into the desert to bang one and my man says, hey, take some condoms, right? As a joke because he happened to bring a shit. He happened to bring a thousand condoms and burning man. He brought a suitcase of condoms to Burning Man. Yeah, yeah, yeah, because there was a mistake at work. Right. He brought a bunch of condoms out.

So she, I say, F you, she takes them and I'm like, oh, great, buddy. You just screwed me on this, didn't you? Now I'm going to have to power my way through this fucking condom. It all works I get back On a Saturday night At like midnight

I get a call from this girl saying Hey You might want to get yourself checked out Because I got chlamydia Oh man And I was like Oh I start laughing Because it's gross

And it's happened to me before So it's like oh that's funny She go ahead Sean and I just looked at each other Like we just bit into a bad burger Why? What's the big deal? Because you're being in chicks who have chlamydia.

Don't you worry about that shit? I mean, even if you have the condom on, it can still get to you. Well, yeah, but what is it going to do? It's not even harmful for guys. I don't, I don't know. No, it doesn't do. It only hurts women. You don't want chlamydia, dick.

You can easily fix it, though, Maddox. Well, you know, you can avoid it more easily than getting it and then fixing it. By what? By not... By having sex with condoms. How about that? Well, thanks to this. Thanks to my man. Yeah.

I did. Why do you keep calling him your man? I feel like I get this imagery of you just like farting out condoms while he's over at your place in the morning. Oh, my man, my man. Anyway. I was at a party with my man. Yeah. And he's being a nice guy and he's washing dishes at this party.

He's washing his dish that he was eating some stuff on. Nice of him. Yeah, it is nice. He's a nice guy. He's a nice guy. He's a nice guy. He turns around to grab someone else's dish because it just has. happen to be sitting there.

As he turns around, the faucet is running. This fucking dickbag walks over and goes, hey man, don't you know there's a drought? Yeah. And my jaw hit the fucking floor. I felt like I had just, I felt like I had just watched someone walk out of a supermarket as like the millionth customer. Yeah. And I was the next customer.

And I was like, fuck, that could have been me. Yeah. Because if you had. Yeah. Then they've cocked the gun. can fire. Yeah. I get it. Because if they go to zero to zero to insulting you, you're you can't possibly you can't do anything. You can't even make up for it. No. Because you can't go from, you can't

do an infinity increase from one. You know what I mean? No. That logic makes sense to you right. Right? I think so. I think we're on the same page. You want them to insult you so that you have ample and you have ample opportunity and reason for a rebuttal. Is that right? look, I'm just saying if you are so unconscionably rude to me I can say anything I want

because I didn't start it No, I agree, we're on the same picture Right, yes, okay So, whatever My man doesn't say anything Because he's a good guy He's at someone else's house He doesn't want to start

He doesn't want to cause problems He doesn't want to get kicked out Whatever, but I was imagining What if it was me? Why do I have such a problem with these dick bags? Yeah. Right? Because I don't

think their, I don't think their crusade is doing jack shit. It's not. I'm like with this guy, I'm like, what is this? Your water? Did you pay for this fucking water? Do you throw in for the bills here? Are these your dishes? Fuck you.

You don't have any say in this. So why in your brain do you think you do? No, no, no, Dick, it's not about that. Their logic is this, right? It's a non-renewable resource that they, this is their words, their claim. It's a non-renewable resource. Oh, man, I'm so fucking fired up about this. I have argued with so many of these, like, fucking water.

zealots. That's what they are. They're water zealots. And they turn off the water in between the time it takes to lather your hands and then put it under the sink again. They'll turn it off. You know how many so I argued with a friend of mine to the point where I tenured our

friendship and said to her, I said she came back and she with a statistic that said, you waste up to 1.6 gallons of water for every minute you leave the tap running. And then I thought, wow, that's a lot less than I even imagine than I even expected. So if you leave the water running for an entire

minute while you wash your hands, that's only 1.6 gallons, right? And it's nothing. It's a drop in the bucket. People, you can't, you don't even use enough water to make a difference. If you completely stopped existing, and by the way, if you have such a fucking problem with this drought, move out of California, dickhead, no one's forcing you to live in the desert where it's unsustainable. You're living here just like everyone else. You could do more to save water and you're not doing it, fuck-o. Yeah. Move to Minnesota. Yeah.

Move to Indiana. Fuck off in Minnesota. They have shitloads of water there. Shitloads of water and nothing else. You know what they need? More of you deadbeats. Get out of here. Well, you know what it is, and it is all over California now. Like, it's on our freeway signs.

Yeah. Says, don't be a fuckhead, save water. Right. Like, you're always, always fucking up. It's just an excuse for everybody to act like an authoritarian dick to you all the fucking time. because you can't ever possibly do enough to save water. Right, right. And that's the thing that's mind-boggling, Dick.

Here's the thing. I get bitched at for running the tap a little bit longer than I should or whatever. But the thing is, I guarantee I use less water than most of these zealots. I guarantee it. First of all, I take cold showers. That means the water heater doesn't have to heat up gallons of water for me. Yeah. I brush my teeth twice a day.

I do laundry twice a month. And these people, I don't even use dishes. Most of the food I eat are just hand foods. I guarantee you that I use a hundred times more water than you. So what's the fucking point? I'm never going to stop. I'm never going to conserve a single fucking gallon of water, and I will get to why.

Because I have a shitload of actual stats today, not fuck around stats. Let's hear it. All right. So I picked up the man. Okay, here we go. My next problem with it is that it's all about these things. tattling apps? Have you seen these Tattletail apps? What are these?

Oh, dude. Yeah, I'm just setting the stage for what this problem is. There are apps on your phone that let you report your neighbors directly to the fucking government. Wow. Because people are getting fined for this shit now. People are getting fined like 50 bucks, 500 bucks in L.A. It's like 500 bucks in L.A.

It's like 50 bucks in San Diego or something like that. Well, that's one of the few ways you can actually save on waters is by going to a big, you know, telling somebody to stop watering their line. If you really cared that much, you'd have to get in their face. Telling someone, yes. Reporting it to the fucking government? No, because that's 1984. You remember a dystopian hellish future where there's no line between government, media, and neighbor?

That's what you're doing. You're being a part of that system. Yeah. And that's what really pisses me out. Like, deep down, it's not the hypocrisy of this, which I'll get to. It's that it's playing on everyone's fucking vanity and their need to be an authority on something that makes them behave like total fucking assholes. Right. As if their shit doesn't smell, as if they can't do more to cut down on water. Here's the thing. Here's my one question I want to ask every single one

of these water conservation dickheads. Could you do more to save more water? Right? The answer is always yes. Yeah. So if you can do more, worry about you and I'll worry about me, okay? And it's worse than that. My buddy comes over.

I walk into the bathroom and I find that my toilet is full of piss. So I come back out and I said Excuse me Are you aware that you've left a bunch of piss in the bathroom Without pressing this little lever I have on my toilet that will get it the fuck out of my apartment And he's like well you know if it's yellow let it mellow

So I said get the fuck out of here dude Get the fuck out of my apartment I'm not sitting around an acrid piss To do what He's like well to conserve you know The big question mark to conserve so I looked it up I looked it up right good Here's the stats

Um, water reduction. It's been from anywhere to about 10, 10% across the board for, like, residences, for like California residences because of all this bullshit. 10%. Right. Right. You know how much percentage of water we use in California as, as residences? 1%. Okay, urban use in California is 20%.

20% of the total water use in California is used by like, people. It's people. It's industrial. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Okay. 75% is used by agriculture. Yeah. 10% of our water is used by almond farmers.

Yeah. Okay? So, so let me get this straight. I'm sitting around my apartment, soaked in piss now. People are replacing their lawns with plastic grass that gets shit on by animals and stays there forever. Yeah. Everything looks like a dystopian hellhole so the world can have almonds. Fuck almonds.

I am not reducing my water footprint one fucking gallon while everybody is sitting in their pools all over the world munching on California almonds. Fuck you. It's not my problem. You know what else it's for? What does this say? Alfalfa, I think it's not almonds. Alfalfa hay is 15% of the water. supply that we ship to Japan. Right. Right. It's agriculture, it's industry. That's what I keep

telling people, especially, not just with water, but with recycling, if every single, I read the statistics somewhere a long time ago where if every single American recycled 100% efficiently, we're not even anywhere close to that. Most people are less than 40%, right? But if we did 100%, guess what percentage of waste we would reduce completely? One? Five percent. Five percent. Five percent. Five percent. We're not even anywhere near that. At 40% efficiency, we're like 2% waste. That 5% is nothing, idiots.

It's a drop in the bucket. Similar to these drops of water you're saving here and there. We don't use enough water to make a difference. A water main broke in West Hollywood. Yeah, UCLA. 10 million gallons. Yeah, 10 million gallons. And then another something like 60 million gallons broke in West Hollywood just a few weeks ago.

And I saw that. I saw that happen because I saw a leak in the water that they never fixed. They just put cones up. And, of course, that's just deteriorating the ground underneath and it's going to create a giant sinkhole. And the water main is going to break. And millions and millions of gallons. I think it's more than 10 million, too, Dick. I believe it's upwards of 100 million.

It's a ridiculously absurd amount of water. So this is the cut, right? Imagine you have a $100 bar tab at the end of the night, right? It's 100 bucks. You say, oh, okay, who's going to pony up to pay for this bill? Agriculture comes in and says, oh, we'll take $75 off the tab. Okay, that gives you 25% left over, right? 20% of that is used for toilets, 20% of that is used for showers, 20% for leaks, and like 40% for yards.

Sure. So, not flushing the toilet, we've reduced 10% out of 20, we've reduced our usage by 2% overall. We're fucking fighting, we're being assholes to each other. We're narking on our neighbors for $500 over what amounts to a couple of dollars on an $100 bar tab. Fuck you, man. Fuck drought dick bags. Yeah, fuck drought dick bags. I agree, Dick.

That's a great problem this week. And, you know, these, so let's say we collectively save this water, this whatever, 2%, whatever. What is the end result here? Okay, if you calculate the total number of gallons you save in a day just by, being an asshole and shutting off the faucet obsessively and freaking out about that shit and just building up this this frenzy that you built in your life like just being nervous about everything all the time right let's say you do that at the end of the day the only way that would possibly make any fucking sense is in this doomsday scenario where someone somewhere in

the desert opens a faucet and it's running dry and just a few drops of water come out into his cup and it's those few drops of water that you saved dickbag that's you you just saved that guy's life that's a fucking insane made up scenario your few drops aren't going to make a fucking difference whatever water is on earth will always be here that's the same water we've been drinking for centuries and decades it's it's the same fucking water it's just going to evaporate and go up into the into the sky and come right back down and if it doesn't come down over california guess what guys climate change we got to move yeah humans adapt and the earth's climate changes. We've had ice ages. We've had hot spots. We've had deserts. The earth doesn't stay the

same. If we go through this long period of drought and it never starts to rain again like it normally does, well, pack up your bags, got to move. No, build a pipe. You figured out how to do it with oil. Why don't you build a fucking pipeline from wherever there's water and bring it out here? Because we're not the ones using it. It's people growing almonds. There you go. The real life scenario is not that we're all going to die of dehydration, is that these motherfuckers can't sell almonds. We're supply like 80% of the world's almonds. Right. So California just doesn't want to lose all that big almond money.

Well, it is a lot of, it is a lot of, so economically speaking, Dick, that is a pretty significant chunk of California's revenue and income is agriculture. Almonds, over 80%. That's an actual statistic I just learned too recently that I think it's like 80% of the world's almonds come from California. I just said it. Yeah. You just learned it from me right now.

No, I heard it before that, Dick. You just learned it from me. Dick, I didn't learn it from you. You didn't... You're not the source, okay? Yeah, I heard. Anyway, then over 50% of the agriculture for the entire United States comes from California. So...

That's not my fucking problem. Well, then what? What do we do, Dick? I mean, that's a significant amount of food that comes from California. Charge more for the water then. There you go. I don't know. I don't care.

Use all your fucking almond money and go build a desalination plant. Not my problem. I take 90 minutes showers. I need. need it. I'm hungover. I need the fucking noise. I need the steam. I don't give the fuck about almonds. Your shower sounds awful

with the rancid piss just sitting there and your steamy 90-minute showers. Don't forget the maybe chlamydia. And the maybe chlamydia and the fart condoms. Yeah, great problem, Dick. Do you have any more stats? You said you have more stats? I don't know.

I write them down and then I lose track of them. Yeah, so that's what pisses me off, Dick. It's not just It's anyone who has any kind of like moral crusade like this where they say, hey, you could be doing more. You know what, Dickhead, we could all be doing more always. If you really, really care about water conservation, commit suicide.

Honestly, that is the best way. The number one way to conserve water is to commit suicide and in a way where they won't find your body so they don't waste any time and energy and resources at the funeral because I guarantee they're going to be handing out tap water at your funeral. Well, God forbid they do that. You better kill yourself in a ravine where they're, won't find you. Make sure the animals get you first.

Hey, there you go. There's recycling. Here's a fun staff for you. The biggest water wasters in California, they were all council members. Of course. They were all used about 10 times the normal usage. This guy, Mike Soberios, used a million gallons of water, 3,000 gallons each day. He told, he told his news team that to cut back on his sprinkler use would mean that his expensive lawn would almost immediately turn brown. Yeah.

It's always those guys. Remember when Al Gore's monthly electric bill was published? It was like $17,000 a month. Wow. Yeah. Doesn't this tell these... But I don't understand what gets...

Strike that. I do understand what gets in their brain. They just want to be a big shot like this asshole that told off my man at the party. They just want to act like a big shot. Like they're in authority on somebody and on something. And that's what they get served up on this platter.

Here, here, you be this... You make a difference. And go harassing. ask people about their fucking water usage. You make a difference. You know, if I had to title these people, if I had to give them a name, I would call them, you know, comma, actually.

Yeah. Right? That is their fucking name. You know, actually, that's bad for you. You know, actually, that's wasting water. You could do better. You could conserve more. It's just like ginn-g-knagging all the fucking time.

It's just like having a mom or follow you around to fucking parties and tell you to do better. Like, fuck off. That's why I moved out of the house so I can be my failure self on my own. Yeah. Here's a good quote from a guy.

We're cutting back on showering and watering our lawn, so it looks crappy right now, said Gerald Jackass, an East Palo Alto resident, who's determined not to waste water during the drought. So we're all sitting around not showering, steeped in ceramic bowls of our own piss. Hey, Dick, speaking of not showering,

my first problem and only problem this week is hippies. Okay. Speaking, oh, Sean's happy. Here we go. Speaking and not showering. I'm so fucking tired. Because here's the thing.

A lot of what you said today is the hippie ethos, right? Hippies are supposed to be taking the earth's caretakers, right? Are they? Yeah, are they? I'll let you define what a hippie is. So there's a website,

there's a website called WikiHOW, and they have a list, they have a list on there. It says how to be a hippie. Okay, and here's, I'm going to read some these rules. Number one, the first rule is feel groovy. Okay, you got to feel groovy. Second rule is play it forward. Being a hippie is all about openness and embracing what's good as long as you can dance to it. Okay. Bunch of assholes. Yeah, tell that to a guy in a wheelchair, dickhead, who came back from Vietnam. Yeah, all right. Yeah. Three, get countercultured. Learn how to

Howell. Uh-huh. You have to learn how to do that? I guess. I guess you need to learn from our teachers, you know, wolves, packs of wolves. Idiots. Number four, follow hippie ideals. Contribute as little to pollution as possible.

Hippies love Mother Earth and do all they can to keep it well. Learn to barter. Trade or barter rather than use money. Barter. So avoid paying taxes? I guess. No, you don't pay taxes on turnips, dick. Well, you don't pay taxes on bartering.

If you can successfully barter, you don't have to pay shit in taxes. Right, there's no taxes on combs and turnips and paperclips or what are the fuck these hippies are bartering. Can you imagine if Wall Street decided to go off the barter system? Hey, I'll trade you a sack of potatoes for a couple shares in Disney, I guess. Oh, here you go, buddy. You know what? No contracts necessary friend. This one's a word of mouth agreement.

This one's the, what's the word, when you have a bond? No, it's, um, whatever. Yeah, so if they bartered on Wall Street, the economy would come to a grinding halt if hippies were in charge of it. Okay. China would invade us today if hippies took over our economy. I don't think they care about that. No, they don't care about anything. Number five, get the clothes.

All right. Now, here's something that really pisses. me off. According to Britannica, I actually went to Britannica instead of just Wikipedia, the old school encyclopedia. One of the... Did you have to load up, like, Internet Explorer 3 to do that?

Yeah. So here's a characteristic, some of the characteristics of hippies, right? Long hair. So I'm out. I'm mostly bald. I can't fucking be a hippie if I wanted to. I can't grow my hair long,

idiots. They're fucking discriminatory. That's what this is. Well, yeah, it is. It is discriminatory because they do also think that their way of thinking solves everything. Of course they do. It is very, what is it? It's very, what is the word when you're like ideologically obsessed?

Like you think your way of doing everything is the right way. Fascism. They promote openness and tolerance as alternatives to the restrictions and regimentation in the middle class society. And yet number four, excuse me, number five on this list is get the clothes. Because it sounds like a real open lifestyle when you have to wear a uniform. Yeah. These fucking hippies are so open and anti-establishment, yet you have to wear a uniform. Because if you don't look like a hippie, then you're not a hippie.

You got to wear, you got to dress the code, right? You got to fit in. You got to conform. Yeah. Tell me all about your anti-establishment views while you're making all your fucking. followers conform to your ethos, you fuck? Yeah, you mind if I interject something for a second? I hate to mention Burning Man again.

Oh, yeah. Speaking of hippies, let's hear it. No, I'll get to that. But they threw the biggest shit fit when Grover Norke, when they found that Grover Norquist was going to Burning Man. He was like an old governor in California or something? No, he's like a libertarian-ish, like finance, financial advisor, like director. He comes up with ways that the market should sustain society, right? Yeah, yeah.

So because he's, because he has anything to do with money, they just hate him. Because he wears a suit every day and, like, deals with Wall Street and, like, values money. Right. There was, like, there was this outpouring of snark and vitriol. It was really disgusting. Yeah. They're all about individual freedoms and individual choices. Live your life how you want, man.

Be groovy, man. Except if you want to wear a suit, man, because you can't fucking grow out your hair and live like a fucking hippie. You have to dress the uniform. You can't look like a square, supposedly, and still fit into your fucking hippie bullshit lifestyle? How fucking tolerant are you if you're rejecting all these people, man?

Then number six on this list. Listen this. Make the world better. Stand against anti-life things. So I guess hippies are anti-abortion, right? They say stand against things that are anti-life. Yeah. So they must be.

anti-abortion. Sure, sure. Free love. Fuck it. Someone will pay for it, right? Number seven, let your freak flag fly. Grow your hair out. Again. Again. Some of us can't. Number eight, go GMO free. If the ingredients look confusing to your eyes, then they're not healthy. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. If it's confusing, then we should fear it. If it's something we don't understand, we should fear it. Oh, that's true. They're going back into caves these guys, right? They're afraid of lightning and thunder. They don't know what it is. Let's go hide in caves. It can't be good for you. Number nine, go to farmers markets. Going to farmers market is also a hippie thing. No, it's not. Farmers aren't hippies. Farmers toil under the hot

sun in fields all day long to bring you that food to the farmer's market. Just because you can buy beads and trinkets there that some hippies found a way into finagling some some poor guy out of out of a booth doesn't mean that hippies, that farmers markets are hippie joints. Well, it also means you have to be rich. So you not only have to be rich, but you also have to not look like you're rich. Yeah.

It's a very vanity, it's a very vanity-obsessed culture. Yeah, be rich. And you also always have to say the right things and think the right things. Of course, of course. And then number 10 on this list is study chakras. Oh, man. We always sneak that one in.

Study chakras. There it is. They got to have a religious. element to it. Don't be Christian. Don't be Muslim. That's not cool. Because those are stupid. Those are stupid. Don't be Jewish. But you do have seven magical cruxes in your body that govern your

future. Christianity's so unhip, man. Jews are out. Muslims, boo. Chakras in. Yay. Astrology. Here are the characteristics. Here's some more of the characteristics according to I don't know if this governs all hippies by the way, but that

the look, not having the look seems to be a big part of it. Mm-hmm. And here's, again, it's more about the aesthetic here. Casual, unconventional dress, including tie-dye and psychedelic colors. And I put psychedelic in quotes here because who the fuck knows what that is. Yeah. Long, flowing granny dresses.

Okay, this is part of the uniform that you have to wear in this non-restrictive lifestyle that lets you be what you want to be, man. Yeah. Rimless granny glasses for both men and women. So they're getting rid of sexes. So, like, John Lennon-style glasses? Yeah. Which I feel like you'd think are cool, Dick. Yeah, but they look weird because they got a big head, so those glasses look stupid on me.

They look goofy. You know, some people just don't have the genetics to be a hippie guys. You have to adopt a vegetarian lifestyle, right? Because they're healthier. These are healthier people, right? They don't eat GMO. They adopt a vegetarian lifestyle. They also practice holistic medicine, which, by the way, has been usurped.

It's a term that used to mean something. Now it just means alternate medicine. That's not what it meant. So it's not to be confused with the treatment. of the whole person, this is the actual definition of holistic, it's the treatment of taking into account mental and social factors rather than just the physical

symptoms of a disease. That's what holistic treatment used to mean. Right. Now it means psycho-voodoo bullshit. Yeah. That's what that's what it means. Eat unprocessed foods Okay? Well, that's good for you though, because processed foods are fucked. I agree. I don't eat a lot of

processed foods. I agree. But these are, these hippies think that they're so healthy because they practice alternate medicine, they're vegetarians, et cetera, et cetera. Let me read you a list of some famous hippies, okay? Janice Joplin. Yeah. Dead.

Died of what? Died of an heroin overdose. No GMO. No GMO. No, that was FDA approved, right? Possibly compounded by alcohol. Joplin had accidentally been given heroin that was much more potent than normal. Instead of heroin.

Sorry, go ahead. Yeah, that's because heroin. Heroin isn't regulated by the FDA, you fucking idiots. Of course you're going to die taking heroin. It's an addictive, what is it, substance one narcotic? Yeah. Yeah. These are the same people who are telling me eat GMOs and unprocessed foods

and then do the purest heroin? Well, doesn't the drug abuse kind of speak to extreme selfishness? Yeah. Because if you're abusing drugs at that level, you just care about feeling good. You want to obliterate your senses and then just tune out of the universe. You're not contributing. And here's the other thing that kind of pissed me off. too. The use of marijuana and LSD as a way of expanding consciousness is condoned in a hippie lifestyle.

This is according to, I think, Britannica. So what great hippie scientific minds do we have? These are people who are expanding consciousness, right? So what do we have to show for it? What have they done? What result do we have? What car? Show me a car invented by a hippie. Show me a scientific discovery. Show me a man who stepped on the moon because of a hippie. Because of drugs? Because of drugs expanding our consciousness. And I put them in quotes, quote, expanding consciousness, right? And then, and then here's some more, here's some more famous hippies. Charles Manson. Yeah. Yeah. He found acceptance with the Aryan Brotherhood in jail, where he became a sub to a sexually

aggressive member of the group. Charles Manson, healthy lifestyle. Jerry Garcia, dead, 53. Jimmy Hendricks, choked to death on his own vomit. After heavy drinking and taking nine Vesperax sleeping tablets. That's 18 times the recommended amount. Sure. Be a vegetarian. Avoid GMO food. Die on your own barb.

Bob Marley, he refused to amputate his toe. He died from cancer. It's pretty tragic actually, but he died from cancer. He refused to amputate his toe due to personal and religious beliefs, right? So he tried the Issel's treatment. Have you heard of this? No. That's because it's quackery.

It's considered ineffective against cancer by the American Cancer Society. Patients are asked to remove any teeth containing metal fillings to follow a strict diet and to eliminate various substances such as alcohol and caffeine, which are considered harmful. You know who else followed a regiment? It's kind of similar to this and died. Hitler.

Nope. Steve Jobs. Oh. Even worse. Didn't Jim Henson do that too? Didn't he not believe in doctors or cures or something like that? I think he was a Jehovah's Witness or a person. Christian scientist.

I can't remember which one. But yeah, he didn't believe. Yeah, he got a cold that turned into pneumonia, I think. Yeah. Just refused treatment because, you know. Probably had a frog in his throat. Oh, my. So what's your problem with hippies?

I feel like they're on the way out. Or are they not? No, they are. This is great. So I actually wrote this down. This also, I think, was in Britannica. It says, hippies waned in the 80s. The alternative lifestyle to hippies became yuppies.

Oh, yeah. That's right. People who were intent on making careers and starting businesses. They got tired of your hippie bullshit. They decided they don't like the smell of patchuli and B.O. Because all you use are fucking natural soaps that don't work. And by the way, everything is natural. I'm so tired of people saying, oh, what chemicals are in.

What water is a chemical. Hydrogen dioxide, guys. Water is a chemical. Everything's a chemical. Everything has chemicals in it. Yeah. There's this meme going around talking about this natural weed killer that you can make using dish soap and vinegar or something like it.

And someone went through, a chemist went through and put together the compounds, the chemical composition of this weed killer, and it is way more toxic than commercially bought weed killer. It's stuff that just sits in the environment and doesn't go away because it alters the structure of the detergent when you mix it with vinegar. Yeah, it's going to kill weeds. It's going to kill everything, you fucking morons. You think it's natural just because you can buy it off the shelf and you understand it?

Go back to your caves. Yeah, I feel like you hit something with the look, honestly. Okay. Because it had never occurred to me before how restrictive the counterculture movement is when it comes to clothing. Like it's always about the clothing. Right. And it seems like a natural response to like their parents who were Don Draper, three-piece suits every day. Right.

Right. Yeah. These are actually, so being a dropout and not being able to hold a job is one of the characteristics. in the Encyclopedia Britannica of a hippie. I feel like just some asshole wrote that, though. Like, what are your, I don't, like, Wiki-How, you know? I don't give a shit, WikiHour to fold a dollar bill.

What do you know about hippies? I'll tell you what I know. Because I think you might be talking to one. Dick, I am so, oh, fucking, all right, here we go, Burning Man. Listen to this. I am so glad you asked that question because I brought in this problem specifically this week because I had a run-in with a belligerent, fuck-ass hippie.

Here we go. Right? My neighbor. My neighbor is out, is bat-shit crazy. out of her fucking mind. She's a straight-up 1960s hippie, aging, bitter, angry, insane.

She's a crazy catwoman who yells at everyone, everyone passing by. If you're standing on the sidewalk, just saying hi to the mailman. She'll come out and yell at you. She's like, someone's inside sick. Someone inside is dying.

You know, Sean, yeah. I saw her halfway under her car the other day. Yeah. Getting a cat out. Yep, that's her. I know this lady. Yep, she's literally a crazy cat lady. She looked at me like she wanted to kill me.

Oh yeah, she's out of her fucking mind. As I drove by, like, what the fuck are you doing on my street? It was crazy. This woman of tolerance. Well, there was that. You know what? You would be doing those cats a favor by running them over. I'm going to do that right after the show.

I'm going to run over all her fucking cats. They're starving. They're emaciated. She doesn't fucking feed them. Uh-huh. Right? Or maybe she does. She feeds them fucking vegan chow or whatever bullshit that cats can't eat and they're malnourish.

They come over to my house and they just hang out like fucking looking for handouts. like hippie She turned her cats into hippies How do you know she's a hippie? I'll tell you how Because all she does Is listen to Janice Joplin Right?

Yeah Who's dead? By the way Let me point that out again And where's her twirly Loose Stupid pants Like these is like loose

And her car Has her windows down All the time She doesn't give a shit About anything Least of all And she's And by the way

This hippie Is always Every fucking day Outside watering Her lawn watering her lawn with a hose. And it was one of these instances. So I came home the other day.

I was driving someplace and I forgot something. So I turned around, pulled into my neighbor's driveway, the duplex, right? My neighbors are really cool. Not her. She's out of her fucking mind, but she shares a fence, right, with us. So I pulled into the neighbor's driveway. My windows are down. I'm going to be gone.

I'm going to be inside and out of the house for less than 30 seconds. This bitch is standing outside on her lawn watering it during a drought, right? Yeah. This caretaker of Earth is watering during a drought. And I noticed she's walking towards my car a little bit with her hose. And I thought to myself, just for a split second, I thought, no, there's no fucking way she's going to spray inside my car. I mean, the bitch has got to be out of her fucking mind if she did that, right?

Yeah. I go inside, come out 10 seconds later, spraying inside my fucking car. Wait a minute. Like jamming it in the window and directly spraying it or just kind of like hitting it while as she's wiggling her nose around. It wasn't casually. It was inside my driver's side window. What?

Yeah. Like aiming? Aiming. Like she's at a carnival shooting one of those balloon things? Yes. She drenched my fucking front seat and my passenger seat. What the hell did you say? And myself, I said, what the fuck are you doing?

I started yelling at her. I was like, are you out of your fucking mind? And she said, what? I said, you heard me, bitch. Are you out of your fucking mind spraying inside my car? She said, I didn't hear you. Oh, no. Is she that senile or is she just screwing around?

You know what? She's part senile. She's bligerent. She's actually confronted me one other time when I was standing out having a good night conversation with a friend. Oh, with a lady friend? Oh, maybe. A couple.

So she came out and she said, can you guys move your car here? By the way, there was a car parked on the street waiting for a friend right in front of her house. And she came out and told them to turn off their engines. And I told her, go back inside your house and none of your business. Because they had been arguing back and forth, right? I said, don't worry about it. It's none of your business.

Mind your own fucking business. You know, I think we might have brought in the same problem this week. Because I got a lot of mind your own business on my end. You got a lot of mind your own business on your end. You got people spraying waters and cars. I got people yelling at guys for doing dishes.

If I'm out back, if I'm out back in my backyard, just talking on my cell phone, that's too loud for her. She'll yell across the fence and say, shut up. This is this tolerant bitch, right? And yet, when I come outside my front door, I can hear her hippie music blaring on my porch.

She's like a house and a half down for me, and I can hear her hippie music. Yeah, she's spreading the love. Yeah, oh yeah, spreading the love. So I march over to her. I said, what the fuck are you doing? And then she's starting to cower, right, at this point. She walks over.

Sure. And I walk up to her behind her, she's hiding behind the tree now, She knows I'm fucking pissed, right? I mean, I had so many... I wish, I wish there was some kind of witness there or something like it, because she assaulted me with that hose, right? She sprayed me with the hose, too.

When did she spray you with the hose? When I was... You skipped that part. Oh, yeah, yeah, okay, yeah. So she's putting water in your car. She's putting water in my car. And you come out yelling at her like a WWF wrestler. Hey, what are you doing? What are you doing?

Right. She, what? Turns the water on you? Then she turns the water on me. Oh my God. So I am livid. Like, like, I... I'm not even sure a drop of water landed on me

because it steamed off from heat. Right? I was livid. So I walk over there and she walks up, she walks up being old nonchalant like watering her plants like nothing happened right. I'm like, no bitch. So I walk over to her. I said, what the fuck are you doing?

And I walk up to her and she goes, oh, I didn't see you. I was like, you fucking did. You sprayed me. I'm wet. You sprayed inside my car. She goes, oh, what are you going to do about it? Oh.

Yeah. So I turned off her hose, took it out of her hand, threw it on the ground. man, I wanted to clock her so bad, but I was like, I'll go to jail. I mean, that's that. She's frail. I mean, I would break something, but man, I fucking hate her, and I fucking hate all hippies.

Yeah, I walked off. I mean, what am I going to do, man? I told her I was going to call the cops, because she assaulted. That's assault, right? That is assault. You can't just spray someone walking by. I don't know. I think the cops would laugh at you.

If you called them up instead an old lady sprayed me with a garden hose. Well, what if an old lady punched me in the chest? Because she also did that. On my way, on my way out, she punched me in the chest. I'm like, well, that's my justification to punch back, because I'm a feminist, right? I don't think, oh, yeah, I don't think you're going to get away with it. Of course, I'm not going to get away with it. Of course, because society's stacked against this kind of horseshit.

All the fucking time, I get slapped, punch, whatever, can't hit back. Because if I do, I'm going to look like the bad guy. There's no fucking bruise on me. I'm invincible. But if I hit her, she's going to fucking have a bruise. Yeah, I think you even look like the bad guy just being involved in it. Yeah, of course. Even though you didn't retaliate, you still look like a bad guy.

I know. Just for saying, what the fuck are you doing? Spraying a bunch of water in my car. That's my car. Why did she do that? Yeah, that's what I want to know, too. She's just a bitch. She's just an awful, awful human being, selfish, inconsiderate, hippie.

She's lived her whole life for herself, and she's continuing to. She's just bored. She's looking to stir the pot a little bit. For laughs? Maybe. It would be fun to just, eh, spray a bunch of water. Well, sure. It would also be fun to clocker.

So then, I told my neighbors about it. I said, look, I got to be out of here. Keep an eye out on my place. This bitch is out of her fucking mind, right? So then she took a whole bunch of garbage and threw it over the fence into the neighbors, into my neighbors there. My poor neighbors who aren't even involved in this altercation, however, they've had their own run-ins with her. When I moved into this neighborhood, I'm not exaggerating.

Seven or eight people came up to me and warned me about her. Right. She's so out of her fucking mind. So, yeah, this happened. And then I told her I was going to call the cops, but of course, cops aren't going to do anything. No. Don't bother them, please, with this. Yeah, oh, yeah, the cops are too busy.

They can't even come and take a burglary report, those fucking fat asses. So then the next day, this made me happy. I was walking home, and I think she's afraid of me now, too, which is great, because she saw I was pissed, man. I mean, I had that look in my eyes where you're not sure, I might punch you. So I'm walking on the sidewalk, and I look on her car, and there was this big bag of doggy poop right on her hood. And I thought, oh, that's funny. On her hood? On her hood.

Okay. Yeah. Why? I don't know. So I went to my neighbor. because I told them about the altercation and everything. They got my back. They're great. And I said, did you guys leave some doggy poop on her hood?

And they said, no, it wasn't us. And I asked my other friend, my other neighbors. Wasn't anyone I know in the neighborhood. She's pissed off other people. So you can do whatever you want because she has so many enemies. You can get away with it. It's like who shot Mr. Burns. Right.

It's great. It's great. So these are these free-loving, do your own thing, man. Easygoing. Just go with the flow groovy. Vibing, dip shits. We're fucking spraying inside of my car. I'm glad we did get to the root problem of your problem this week.

Your neighbor. Hey, I got some, you know, we had Asteroos, um, Coconos on the program last week, and everybody loved him so much. Yeah. A lot of people said make him a permanent part of the program. So we asked him to put together some bits for us. You know. And I'm a digital cyber TV.

Yeah. He lives in New York. We would have. have him in here whenever he wanted if we could, but he sent us, he sent us some stuff, want to play it for you. It's called, um, well, I'll let him do it. Welcome to the biggest problem in history, taking the pistery out of history. October 14th, 1918, Corporal Adolf Hitler is wounded in a mustard gas attack during World War 1. Why is this a problem? Because he didn't fucking die. Mustard gas, you had one thing to do

that day, and you fucked it up. What saved Hitler? Ironically, his Hitler mustache. Before World War one. Yeah. Hitler had a full, curly mustache. Yes, Hitler looked like a hipster, only far less evil. But Hitler's commanding officer ordered him to trim his mustache, so his gas mask might better seal his face. How's that?

That's tight seal that kept Hitler from going kaput. From saying, Alf We today. From heading to that big October fest in the sky. From doing scatport in hell. What was then known as the toothbrush mustache is now known as the Hitler mustache. If only Hitler had succumb to the British Army's prim and proper mustard gas, World War II might never have happened. And our listeners would still have access to that sort of.

Sweet, sweet mustache. I mean, seriously. Even Michael Jordan can't pull it off, and he won six goddamn NBA championship. That's true, man. Wow, I didn't know that. So Hitler's mustache saved his life. Yeah.

And the mustache came about by saving his life. Yeah. Pretty interesting. Interesting. That is interesting. So why isn't the mustache the problem? Mustache is never the problem. Get the fuck out of here, Maddox.

That's a trick question. That's a trick question. All right, great. What did you think? Do you learn something from that? Yeah, actually, I did. I didn't know that mustard gas. He was gas with mustard gas.

Oh, and he was wearing a gas mask. That's why he didn't die. Yeah, he wore a gas mask. Because he trimmed his... You know what? If they attacked in modern-day Brooklyn, Williamsburg, all the hipsters would die. They can't wear gas masks with those hipster moustaches,

those handlebar moustaches. Which, by the way, when I created the thumbnail for last week's episode, when Astirius brought in Tom's shoes, I found the perfect, most shitty, douche-baggiest pair of shoes. I think in history, I don't know if you can top. this. It's a pair of Tom's that has a handlebar hipster mustache on the side. Oh, God. Yeah. He sent us

another one. You want to hear it? I'll hear it. All right. Welcome to The Biggest Problem in History. Taking the Pistory out of history. October 14th, 1994. Pulp Fiction debuts, a brilliant film that wins the hearts of audiences and ruins everything else. Think about it. If there was no

Pulp Fiction, there'd be no Tron Travolta resurgents. No Scientology resurgents. That's true. He's got a point. Yes, a decade of Tarantino ripoffs like Suicide Kings, snatch, and smoke and aces would have been avoided had only quit not try to make art. Which is why we, at this show, implore our listeners, never follow your dream. Just stay inside, listening to episode after episode of the biggest problem in the universe

and leave your inheritance to yours truly. That's all for now. Until next time, the Stereo's coconuts saying, the past can go afoulc it's ass. That's great. Boisterous coconuts. Yeah. That's great. Boisterous coconuts?

So thanks, Asterios. Bravo. Yeah, thank you, Asteroz. We'd love to have him on again, and the listeners loved it, too. But yeah, so great problems this week. So what's your problem? How are you phrasing it? California drought. What did I say?

Dickbags? California drought dickbags? Okay. And my problem, very simply, is hippies. And it was inspired by my bitch, nasty, ugly, old, piece of shit, worthless human being, mean, selfish, senile, neighbor, hippie. Wouldn't it be great when she finally breaks her hip? And you can just lay there all day listening to the screams.

Yeah. So I don't know if this is going too far because I was talking to my neighbors who love me. And I said, and they mentioned how she drives drunk to the liquor store all the time to buy more wine. And I thought, wow, there's silver lining here, right? Maybe she might end up wrapped around a telephone pole. And I don't know. I got off on that imagery. Sure.

I think I was like... I feel like I would mount a defense for hippies, but I don't think this has anything to do with hippies. I think this has to do with your crazy fuck neighbor. And all the other stuff I mentioned, that's not a problem, how hippies are astrologists, and into just specifically Eastern meditation, Eastern religions, and they have a uniform,

and they're exclusive... The uniform is. The uniform is. You got me on the uniform. Yeah. They're very strict and regimented. as much as they like to say they aren't. Well, but here's my thing. Every group believes in some shit.

Right? Everyone has their fucking uniform. By definition. Well, no, I don't. I dress whatever. Yeah. I mean, that's your uniform, dude. You wear, like, you got video games

and, like, references on your shirts. It's Godzilla, Contra, that's your uniform. That's a goofy fucking shirt. Yeah, it's awesome shit to you. Like, you see the difference in those things, but I just see, yeah, it's Maddoxon. one of his fucking Maddox shirts. Like, I would never wear a, like a Jackalantern T-shirt, an orange Jackalanard t-shirt,

I wouldn't be caught dead in that. That's just cool as shit. Yeah, that's your uniform. It's not a uniform. I wear plaid sometimes. I wear dress shirts sometimes. I have plain shirts. I have tank tops.

I have the Puerto Rican flag tank top. Now you're getting back into your uniform. That's not a uniform, man. You can't, okay, if you want to say I wear a uniform, you have to go so general that you are breaking the definition of a category. Maddox, you are currently wearing a Dreamcast t-shirt. A T-shirt that has a video game system that came out in, what, 2001?

Maybe. And no one blinked. What would you say if I was wearing that t-shirt? It would be a surprise, wouldn't it? Yeah, I'd be like, yeah, cool shirt, Dick, finally. Yeah. First time ever. You're wearing the uniform.

It's not a uniform, man. Look, just because you have a style doesn't mean it's a uniform. Okay. No, no, but, This is, the hippie aesthetic is pretty specific. You have to generalize so much to the type of stuff I wear. I mean, you could just go through my closet right now.

I disagree, but I do think they're aggressive about enforcing their aesthetic. I don't think you are. Like, if you talk to a guy in a suit, I don't think you would necessarily think it was a douchebag. If he was wearing a mustache on his shoes, you would think he's a huge douchebag, though. Yeah, of course, of course, because that's a douchebag move. But I was wearing a suit the other day. I was wearing a tuxedo. I mean, I can pull it off.

I don't think hippies can pull off tuxedos or anything. They still just look like hippies. in that thing, right? Because they have long hair. Uh-oh. They have long hair. I know. That's why I think, that's why I feel like I need to offer a rebuttal because I got long hair. I go sleep in the back of my truck in the desert for a week and a half and do a shitload of drugs and maybe a chlamydia. So maybe I am a hippie. I don't know. Yeah, you're a huge hippie man. Big problem. Dick's the problem, guys. Go vote up indignant co-hosts. You know, you know, Dick, it's telling that you would go straight to hippie with your long hair rather than

barbarian. That's what I would say if I had long hair or any hair I'd tell people I was a barbarian. But not you. How you got me again? Why don't you go marry my neighbor? Why don't you go bang her in a hot tub? Make an ugly child.

All right everybody. That's it. Vote on these problems. The biggest problem in the universe.com. We'll be back next week. And stay tuned for the big bonus show that's coming up probably in the first week of November. Thanks for listening. Thanks.