The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 24

Episode Date: May 3, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe. I'm Maddox. With me, Dick Masterson. Hey, what's up, buddy? And we have a special guest with us today, Roger Bar. Welcome, Roger. Ahoi there. Hey, Roger.

How's he going? How you doing? How you doing all right? You are the proprietor and the head writer of i-dashmockery.com. Is that right? Yep, i'mockery.com. I've been running that site for just about as long as you, Maddox, your site since 96, 97, way back in the day. Yeah, it's one of the oldest running humor websites on the internet.

both of ours, and it's older than Google. Yeah. Back in the glory days when GeoCities was still a thing. And we make as much money as Google, so. Wow. You guys are real big shots. I bet you get tits on Snapchat all the time. Oh, dick, yeah. Speaking of Snapchat, well, wait a minute, Roger, what else do you do? What's going on with your site? I know you're a big Halloween guy. Right now you're in the middle of your two months of... There's nobody on Earth who likes Halloween more than Roger Barb.

Yeah, that might be an accurate statement. Oh, yeah. All the Halloween companies send Roger their candy for him to review. He has the foremost website of anything Halloween-related. And you've also done tons of classic movie reviews of every horror movie. You have like the 10 best. Pretty much every year. From September 1st through October 31st, I do nothing but cover Halloween stuff,

whether it's reviewing candies, old horror movies, weird toys, Halloween costumes, the monster serials, of course. What did you cover this year? your favorite thing that you've covered this year? Let's see. I did like that we have the Krispy Cream donuts, the Ghostbusters Donuts. That's pretty funny stuff.

What are those? This year. It's just, there's like a stay puff marshmallow man donut and a slimer. He's kind of like, slimeers promoting the thing, but I wanted the donuts to actually have green slime in them, and they didn't. Kind of a bummer. Yeah, that's a big bummer.

Yeah. Getting straight, Krispy Cream. Figure your shit out. My favorite thing, though, is probably still the monster serials. They're doing, like, the retro boxes from the 70s and 80s, and I really like that stuff. Oh, and speaking of Booberry specifically, is your favorite, right? Oh, absolutely. So Roger was on, what was the TV show you were on as the booberry expert?

I've been on a couple things. I was on the daily show back in the day. Yeah. I was on... As a booberry, as an expert in 80s? As an expert on booberry cereal? This was before Colbert got his, you know, Colbert, the Stephen Colbert report. Right.

But that was when he was just a correspondent on The Daily Show. And, yeah, he had like a hidden camera searching for Booberry and his hat and everything. And what was the other show? There was another one on Food Network? I'm trying to think. It's called Boo Boo Eats. Boo-Berry Eats. Like good eats, but boo-eats.

You're going to have to edit this. I'm totally fucking up on the thing. That's fine. You don't need to refer to the editing. We're good. So besides our childhoods... Unwrapped, that was the name of it. Unwrapped, was the show on the Food Network,

hosted by Mark Summers, with the guy from Double Dare, from back in the day of Nickelodeon. Unwrapped by Mark Summers, that's cool. So, yeah. Besides the money machine that is worshipping the childhoods of 80s children, you also contribute new stuff, right?

You do video games, you made a number of video games that were huge on the internet. Yeah, one in particular, A Bobo's Big Adventure, that was huge. Yeah, that one really blew up. That was a 10-year project between me, Nick Pesto, and also Pox, who works on some of your T-shirts.

Yeah. What was it? Bobo's Big Adventure. A Bobo's Big Adventure. It's kind of plugged as the ultimate tribute to the Nintendo Entertainment System. It's Abo, who was like a mini-boss on Double Dragon. He basically, you know, he never really had anything beyond that game. So I wanted to kind of make this, like, the ultimate anti-hero.

So it's him beating the crap. out of anyone from the Nintendo Entertainment System. The genius of this game, too, is it's kind of like an homage to, not just that Double Dragon video game, but like, oh, no, classic Nintendo video games, Contra, Ninja Turtles. Each level is a completely different game, yeah. Yeah, joust, there's so many different game mechanics. Like, every, there's every different...

That's all right, that was a horrible start. Anyway, I fucked that up. I got to remember the show. So, it's really an homage to classic gaming. It's incredible. the way the game was done. Every level is its own game. So it's not just a tribute to Double Dragon.

No, no, not at all. But you have a contra level, you have a joust level, a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles level, right? And each of those levels have characters from a wide variety of other games. Pretty much any Nintendo game you can think of, it's in A Bobo's Big Adventure somewhere. It's really fun, and it's really rewarding when you finish this game. There's over an hour, like hour, two hours of gameplay.

Oh, yeah, easily. And same for our new game, the Bionic Chainsaw Pogo Gorilla. That's another... Okay, what? Yeah. Bionic chainsaw Pogo Guerrilla is the game that we made after A Bobo's Big Adventure

and we released that through Adult Swim. You can play that on Adult SwimGames.com. Totally free to play. Really cool gameplay. Really cool mechanics. Your character's constantly bouncing and you can swing your chainsaw arms at enemies.

Yeah, it's about a gorilla whose arms were ripped off and his legs were ripped off. So these mad scientists basically gave him chainsaw arms and a Pogo stick for legs and now he's really pissed off about it naturally. And he's just killing everything in sight.

Spirituality Maddox, but that sounds like your spirit animal. Yeah, a bionic chainsaw pogo gorilla. Yeah, who is tormented by scientists and now is just a raging maniac. That's everyone's spirit animal. It's all I see when I shut my eyes. Okay, so... Let's get to the problems.

Oh, but we don't have Sean here today. Can I... Should we say that? Because he did write us a note. What's the note? He said, dear guys, I can't take the pressures of this dog-eat-dog world anymore. so I'm moving to rural China to be an ass farmer.

Love Sean. I don't know quite what that means, but I hope he has a good time farming ass. I miss Sean. Sean's a good guy. Yeah, he's going to farm ass. I get it. No, before we move on,

we got to talk about the problems from last week. Who won? Shut up. Ebola alarmists, number one, followed by meetings, and then surprisingly it even placed Snapchats of Not Tits. Is he always this proud?

Yeah, yeah, because he loves it. It means so fucking much to him. That's why it's a wash, because it means so goddamn much to him, this voting, and it means a little bit to me that if when I win, when I, my victories are such big losses for him and his victories are such tiny losses for me that we are basically at a tie. Sounds like it. Yeah. Don't tie this bullshit. Look, here's the thing. It's not a contest.

No, I don't care. You know, it's not a contest. Because eventually, we're going to be bringing in problems as mundane as hang nails and dust. No, meetings is. big problem You can't say you don't care. Look how worked up you're getting right now, just talking about it.

The chainsaws are about to swing out of your arms. Shut up. Okay, so yeah, Ebola alarmists, Dick. By the way, I have a clip from a local news show that Dick was on over the weekend, and Dick was talking about... Great. Dick was talking about...

What is it about a show about podcasters that have to host podcast with smug assholes? Because I remember doing that interview. Yeah, that's every day of my life. So Dick, Dick did an interview, and he was concerned that someone might bring back Ebola to the States. Here's Dick on this. This is KXLY, KXLY News. Well, that doesn't mean that they couldn't get it, that it could come up here.

Yeah. Yeah, that's me. That's actually, that's what you sounded like last episode. This is actually from a news clip from KXLY News, where these parents, I guess in, it's, it's, Priest River are worried about these teachers who went to Texas. They were in Dallas. They were 125 miles away from the hospital, but they were still worried that they brought back Ebola.

Listen to this news clip. Now some of those students and their parents fear they brought back something else. They should at least keep them down there in quarantine them to see if they have it before bringing them back into school. Yeah. What a stupid idea. Quarantine them. Quarantine them.

Make sure they have it before they. What an idiot. You, you and your fucking, you and there's a generation of smug assholes on the internet that love beating up the stupid. And the stupid cannot defend themselves. That poor woman, does she sound educated to you? No, Dick, she doesn't know. She sounds exactly like you last episode. You're like, well, what if you get it?

Roger, are you worried about getting Ebola? I am honestly sick of the Ebola shit. I mean, look, I don't care if someone has it. I don't care if someone does have it. You guys even talking about it is just contributing to this Ebola bullshit that is conquering all media right now. Just stop talking about it and it'll go away. That's it. No. No, hold on.

Let's not go crazy. Nope. Nope. Stop talking about it. Listen to the rest of this new segment. Well, you're not going to get what you want. Yeah, listen to Dick over here. Ramos is a parent at the high school and says there's no guarantee that the nine staff members don't have Ebola. Yeah, that's true.

I asked him. I go, well, that doesn't mean that they couldn't get it, that it could come up here. But Paul Anselmo with the West Bonner County School District says those fears are completely baseless. And so I tried to clear up any of those misconceptions for those people. Yeah. Hey, look, that doctor in New York got Ebola, right? Yeah, and now everyone's going to panic about it.

But wait a minute, wait a minute. What if someone's on the subway platform in New York, pissing, right? Yeah. Because they can't hold it. Sure. That guy trips, falls down, gets their dick in his mouth. All of a sudden, you got an Ebola outbreak on your hand. We're going to die, Ebola!

Right, Maddox? I just want to read, no, who cares? I just want to read three headlines. I want to read three headlines that came out on the news today. About Ebola? No, just three quick headlines. This is from New York Times. Ebola vaccine trials planned for December.

Okay. Here's another one from... I'll break waiting to happen. Here's another one from Daily Mail.com.uk. The Canadian Ebola vaccine that was on shelves for over 10 years, despite being 100% effective. And here's one last one from BBC. Millions of Ebola vaccines doses by end of 2015, W.H.O. says. That was the headline?

That was the headline. That was an awkward phrasing on it. Millions of Ebola vaccine doses. I got a voicemail that you might be interested in. Yeah. Yeah, Maddox. I think Dick Masterson actually has something to be right. about the whole Ebola

alarmist thing, I'm pretty sure he's going to end up catching the Ebola from all the dudes he's blowing in Burning Man. Come on, Dick. Quit being dumb. I guess I should have listened to that whole voicemail before I played it. Yeah, could be dumb, Dick.

Quit blowing dudes of the Ebola Burning Man, you hippie. Which, by the way, everybody, I saw a clip today from Burning Man. Everyone over their rides bikes the entire time. How do you reconcile that with your bullshit-ass beliefs, Dick? What beliefs? I believe in bicycle. I mean, they're a thing that exists.

I prefer walking at Burning Man. Walking is for idiots and suckers. All right, enough for the Ebola. Let's get, my biggest problem, or the most, that got the most votes last week anyway, was Snapchat's of not tits. Yeah. Right, Roger, do you use Snapchat?

No, I don't. Okay, well, if you want to get tits on your phone, don't use Snapchat. Hey, Jose! Hey! Can you hear me all right? Yeah. All right, yeah.

So, moving on from Ebola, My biggest problem last week was Snapchat of Snapchats of not tits, right? Roger, do you know what Snapchat is? I originally thought it was like another dating application, but it's just sending pictures. It's an app for not getting tits on your phone. All right. So if you want to not, or at least that's what I thought it was. Okay.

Basically, you can send photos to each other and they disappear after you look at them. I don't want you sending me pictures of your tits dick, so. Okay. I'm good. Thanks, sir. It turns out it's not as big of a problem as I thought it was. I got an email after last week's show. I'm not going to give her name out.

Hey, Dick, add me on Snapchat and I will send you pictures of my tits all day. I'm a, she specifies, I'm a 25-year-old white female ad me. So I did, and sure enough, now I'm getting some tits on my Snapchat. Great, I didn't get that email.

This is bullshit. This show's bullshit. I'm going to burn this fucking, I'm going to burn this studio down. You guys both know that the internet exists, right? Like, you could just log on to the internet. Roger, yeah, but they're personalized tits. They're better.

Yeah, Roger. These are tits with love, or at least something. It's different. It's different. It's a thing that they made for you. Yeah. As opposed to, like, some generic, you don't want, you want, you want, you used tits. Right.

Roger, the difference between. I'm embarrassed for both of you. No, no, hold on. I'm seriously embarrassed. Roger, but you're wrong. Yeah, you're wrong, Roger. Here's the difference, okay. You don't want, you want a meal that was made for you, right?

You don't want a lunchable. So porn is lunchables. You're talking to the wrong. guy. Okay. No, no, this is how it is. These tits, this tits shot has never been seen before. Yeah.

You know, it's like undiscovered tits. Yes. Each shot of tits is unique in its own way. Right. There's like an infinite number of combinations that a shot of tits could be. Right. This is mine. That's why it's special for you.

They're cuss. You have tits your way. What's that? Burger King? Yeah. Yeah, we're getting Burger King tits. All right. Hey, whatever keeps you two from crying yourself to sleep at night.

Oh, get it. out of here. Here's one from Mariel Romero. My Uber guy problem didn't get a lot of love, but she says thank you for bringing up the uncomfortable Uber dude conversations. I knew it was a women problem. Yeah. Yeah. No, I actually agreed

with that. That was, you know, sure. I heard Uber actually just the other week there was some news story about them canceling plans to have I think it was like some it was basically like we're going to have hot women pick you up in cars. That's what I want. That was actually something

that was pitched in a meeting, but it was, you know, they didn't do it, but Ward got out to the media, so. No, I don't want a hot woman driving me around. Well, I wouldn't mind as long as she's aggressive. I have some friends who, some hot women friends who are aggressive as shit behind the wheel, and it's the biggest turn on. It's awesome. And every, every hot woman that I've ever dated has always, always has about 300 car wrecks under her belt by the time she's 25. Yeah. How's that for her stats?

I was a pretty good stats, Dick. I have a comment from Alexandra Pepper. She says, you know, I hate to bring this up again, but she says, I was wondering when Ebola would be brought up. Oh, here we go. Since the 1970s when it emerged, approximately 7,000 people have gotten Ebola. Out of a population of 7 billion, that's statistically 0%.

You have 0% chance of getting Ebola. Okay. Oh, remember that. Yeah. Yeah. Great. Good. Stop talking about now? Yes, I have one from Scott Lachlan.

Hippy Achievement Maddox for your anti-hippy rant. Carrie Mullins definitely invented polymerase chain reactions, which made most genetic engineering possible, and she was a smelly LSD chomping hippie, and he even linked to a wired article. I didn't click it because I believe things, I believe things as they are when people tell me, yeah. But I'm sure you can go click it.

I did, and I believe it's a guy, it's not a she, and I checked out. And he doesn't look like a hippie at all. He just looks like an old dude, a professor, who just because you've done LSD or you've experimented with drugs doesn't make you a hippie. Hippieism is a lifestyle and it's a disease worse than Ebola. Is that what it's actually called hippieism? Hippieism, that's what I just called it.

I nominalized that phrase. I've got a comment from Scott McGregor. He checked out the, you know, remember last episode I mentioned that I have the glow in dark shirts. He says, FERC yeah, suit up with a T-shirt of that magnitude and you're guaranteed a blow in the dark. Chest covers of any lesser persuasion are mere T-shirts. That's right, bitches. Maddox working late to light up your bosoms. Pretty cool. Getting a BJ while wearing a glow-in-the-dark, Maddox.

Yeah, it's called a blow-in-the-dark, huh? That's pretty cool. That is cool. Yeah. I got one from Dominic Mazzone. Of course, Dick's shitty iPhone can't take a picture without looking like they were recording in an earthquake. That was Maddox's phone. So, why don't you fucking blow me?

Yeah, because here's what happened. Dick, press the snap button and then put the phone down on the table. But it actually turned out kind of a cool picture. Hey, speaking of iPhone, I just brought in this tiny little clip I wanted to play. Because you remember Dick a couple episodes ago? You were saying they don't bend and that was all horseshit. Listen to this clip. He says he's still recovering from the injury.

It was more than a week ago. He says the iPhone caught fire in his pocket. Oh, oh. Oh. He said a hole through his pants, leaving him with a second-degree burn on his leg. He says he likes Apple, has used their products for years. Like a zealot. And we'll continue to do so.

But tonight, he says he wants some sort of explanation from the company. Yeah. How does he know it was a phone? Maybe it was his penis. Sometimes my penis just catches on fire, you know. Happens. Just get a new pair of pants, no big deal. I was going to say that's a STD, Dick.

You should probably get that checked out. All right, all right, you guys. So, what do we want to, you want to move on to some real problems here? Yeah, what's your problem this week, Dick? Well, I'm so glad that you brought up the statistical negligibility of Ebola. Yeah. It's near zero, isn't it? Yeah.

Near zero. Yeah. Usually, I'm not bothered by the voting on this show. When I win, I like it because it hurts you so much, Maddox? No, I don't care. I really don't care if I lose. Right, you can hear it in your voice. You look like you care.

You really look like you care. Dick, you surped my argument. Listen to your voice right now. I can hear my voice. It's beautiful. But here's the thing. You usurped my argument. That's what I was going to say.

The voting doesn't matter. I wasn't even going to suggest that we stopped saying who won each week. No, no, no, no, no, no. The numbers matter. There's stats, aren't they? This is how stats are generated, a bunch of bullshit on the internet. Dick, but it's not a contest. We're doing yeoman's job here.

It is such a contest. So neither one of us care. Okay. Is that what you're saying? I think I don't care more. I think I care. I care way less. Anyway, if the problem that I'm bringing in this week

doesn't beat Ebola alarm. I'm calling shenanigans on the whole thing. Okay. Because I have actual proof that this is a bigger problem than Ebola alarmists. All right. All right.

My problem is witch alarmists. What the hell is which alarmists? You know, black magic and sorcery and stuff like that. Yeah, yeah, things that don't exist. Go on. Well, okay.

Ebola, right? Yeah. Almost a zero chance of getting. So the number of people in the U.S. worried about getting Ebola. according to this Gallup poll or whatever, is 23%.

All right? Do you know how many people are worried about witches? 26%. 26% of people in the US of A are worried about witches. Did you build a time machine and go back to the Salem witch trials to get this statistic? Buddy, this is a current statistic. Yeah, what were they interviewing 8-year-olds?

I guess so. 40% of people are worried about Ghosts believe in ghosts. 36% of people are worried about UFOs, and 26% of people believe in witches. So it's funny that people say you're more likely to get married to Kim Kardashian in the US than you are to contract Ebola. Yeah. Right?

You're more likely to, I don't know, nothing is more likely than encounter. You are 0% likely to encounter a witch. There has never been an encounter with a witch in the history. You will... You will encounter... You will encounter plenty of people who claim or believe that they're witches, but they are not actually witches. This is real black magic sorcery. Okay, this isn't like hippie shit where they're worried about encountering a wicken.

They're worried about encountering black magic because it's right there among UFOs and ghosts. Well, hold on, hold on, Dick. I actually dated a wikin once. I dated a wicket a long-ass time ago. I didn't know she was wikin when I first started dating her. What was your first clue that she had like a bunch of power crystals? She didn't have power crystals, thank God. Well, actually, maybe.

Yeah, witches don't do that. No, no, no. You're mixing up your mumbo, your vood. Your voodoo. This is which, so I got to her place. She's like really hot, big boobs, whatever. And she had all these, like, um... More than a handful?

Like a grapefruit, a good size of grapefruit. So, whatever. So this was a long time ago. And I walked into her apartment and she had all these like potions and stuff on her, on her counter. I'm like, oh, shit, what is, what's all this? and then slowly I got out of her that she's wicken. And I looked at these potions, and they're all things like thyme and basil and oregano.

They're just like herbs and spices and stupid shit, like oils. Did she tell you what kind of magical spells she was casting? No, but she did. I did one time I was in a Barnes & Noble, and I saw these two teenage idiot girls sitting in the spiritual, spirituality, new age section with a witchcraft book. Yeah. And they were like, cast that one. Then he'll fall in love with you.

Okay, you have never had an encounter with an Ebola alarmist. You've never had an encounter like this with someone who wears a SARS mask. However, you have encountered someone who thinks they are a witch. Therefore, I'm sitting in the room with an Ebola alarmist. Just because I think that money would do us all good by going to science to cure Ebola, I'm an alarmist. No, that's not what, that wasn't the argument you were making last episode. Just because people trip all the time and get other people. People's dicks stuck in their mouth, and that's an Ebola outbreak, makes me an alarmist?

Wait, wait. So you think the money should go to curing Ebola rather than other, you know... Rather than curing witchery. Yes, I think witch alarmism is a bigger problem. Yeah, but I'm talking about other, like, serious medical issues, like put it towards cancer or something. Or baldness. Sure. Yes.

Wait, what was the question? Yeah, I'm saying, why are you, why do you want the money going towards Ebola instead of one of those other actual medical problems? that are more prominent. Like the flu, for example. That would be better, but I don't think that's going to happen. I mean, it's all a big, everybody's got to get their marketing in while they can. If Ebola's hot, like, yeah, yeah, okay, let's cure it now. Because if there's no news, it's going to go into something like preventing terrorism.

And then that's a big loss. Or witchery. It's going to go into preventing witchery. Oh, what about witch terrorists? You know, there you go. You should look up those statistics. I bet there are people that are really afraid of witch terrorists. Dick, do you have any stats on how much money, the U.S. government is spending to prevent us from witch attacks?

Because we've never been, we've never encountered a witch, which might mean it's working. That's true. Or you're already under their spell and you don't know it. So the amount of people in this study, this Harris-whatever Berg study, I'll put it on the website. Yeah. The amount of people who are not sure that witches exist, these aren't the believers. These are just ones who aren't sure if witches are around or not. Yeah.

19%. That's ridiculous. Yeah. This is compared to the 26% who actively believe in witches and witchery. That's higher than Ebola. Yes, it is higher than Ebola. So it's a bigger problem. That's what I'm saying.

And it better get more votes than your Ebola horse shit, or else I'm calling Chinatown shenanigans on this whole voting process. China Town shenanigans. Can we just say this falls under conspiracy dipshits? Like, right? Witches? Yeah, no, no, people who believe in witches. Because they think there's a conspiracy of elder women who are casting sources.

on us. No, but I think they also believe in that witches can exist. Like, there's no conspiracy behind it. They just think, yeah, black magic, yeah, sure. I got a story for you because a couple, about 10 years ago. Let's hear it. It was around, it was on Halloween night, super spooky, right? Like, the perfect night for this to happen.

I'm outside, and I swear to God, like I looked up, and there was some big black object flying above. And it didn't look like, it was too big, it looked like a Manta Ray. It looked like a Manta Ray. Here we go. Yeah. So here are the 26th. In this room, I knew it. I knew, these odds don't lie. It's those potions she used on them.

Yeah. Who and what? And then what? You saw a manta ray flying in the sky. It looked like a black manta ray and it flew right above and I was looking around to see if anyone else noticed and it was like kind of obscured by clouds. I think it was probably a balloon, to be fair. Probably.

Probably. But you're not sure. You're not sure. So you might be in the 20% of Americans that aren't sure about which. I'm 74% unsure that it was a balloon. Roger, what about you? You ever had a witch encounter? No, I've not had a witch encounter unless you count like all the haunts that I go to and those are not real witches.

No, I don't count those. Have you ever had an Ebola encounter? No, I have not. So we're even there. You know, my neighbor, my crazy hippie-ass neighbor is a witch probably, right? Hey, here's something. Witch alarmism is on the rise. Is it really?

I got more stats. I'm loaded up with stats today, buddy. I got a stats for you. So this study defines the different generations as old people. they call Matures. Yeah. Because you can't call them old people, I guess. Baby boomers are our parents, obviously.

We're Gen Xers, the best generation. And Echo boomers are everybody after us. Matures, 18% believe in witches. Baby boomers, 28%. Gen Xers, 29%, and Echo boomers 27%. So it's growing. The witch alarmism is growing. How is that possible?

No, it's actually shrinking because you said Echo Boomers came after us, and they're 27%. We're 28, buddy. Yeah. Well, yeah, but the trend is, is up from 18% overall. And we're the biggest offenders at 29%.

Wait, didn't you say the olders? What did you call it? Matures, matures, 18%. Gen X, our generation, 29%. So as soon as we take things over, this witch alarmist epidemic is gonna explode. The closest thing I can tell you to a supernatural encounter I think I've ever had

was this was when I was in high school. And back in those days, you know, it's always fun to like, you know, sneak out of the house late at night and shit. And get drunk. Yeah. Yeah. This was in October, of course,

and my buddy and I were just walking along down the street because I lived in one part of Richmond and he lived in the other. I went over to his place and then we just went out for a walk late night just to be out of the house. And as we're walking down the road, we notice this house and one window just has this weird green glow in it. And we're like, what the fuck is that?

And all of a sudden, this just black shadowy figure appears in the window. And it's just not moving. It's just sitting there staring at us. and we both just froze. We didn't know what was going on. And it just stayed there. And we're just waiting for something to happen.

And we're like, screw this. And we just ran. But I'm absolutely positive. It was just some guy completely fucking with us. But I just love that this guy had a green light and happened to see two idiot kids walking down the street and decided to just scare the shit out of them. I thought this story was going to end with you in a therapist office,

pointing out where he touched you on the pillow. No. Dark. Well, you know, it probably wasn't a witch. but it might have been a warlock. That's true. Warlock, by the way, Warlock is an awesome series of horror movies,

by the way, the first two are really funny. Have you reviewed them on your site at all? I've probably reviewed them on the site. I think at least one of his kills or something. Like he basically turns a guy into an art statue because the guy's like an art fan and he like mangles them and everything. I've never been into horror movies.

You? Yeah, I love horror movies. Warlock is more like horror comedy though, especially Warlock too. No, chicks are really into horror movies. Don't say it like it's a man. No, no, they're not. If I can, like, I am always looking for chicks who are into horror movies. Like, half the chicks I talk to are into just pussy bullshit.

Oh, they're too scary for me. Roger, you're the expert. Women love horror. I'd say it's half and half. Honestly, half and half. Well, I guess I'm the expert then. That's a big, so, yeah, that's a big... Oh, yeah, you're the expert, dick.

So, according to this, this stat, one out of three people believe in witches, I think we might have a witch among us. So I brought in a witch test to see if you're a witch. I don't know, it might take a little long, though, because I'm eating up a lot of time. Let's do it. Let's do that real quick. All right, it's not a quick test, though.

You can't set that up and not do it. I went to WikiHow, first of all, because if you're a hippie, Maddox pulled a list of How to Be a Hippy from WikiHow. So I thought, well, Maddox is always pretty good on stats. I'll go there and see if they have How to Be a Witch. They sure did. Yeah. Number four, however, on the How to Be a Wish was watch out for Fluff,

developing a practice in witchcraft isn't something that can be done in 25 easy steps I was like, well, wait a minute, that's what I'm reading. Yeah. So I got rid of that and I started digging through the blogs and I finally found a great witch test. I'll read you some of the questions from it. Do you have earth powers?

Do either of you guys have earth powers? Do you find the answers to life through patterns of mother nature is her wisdom your wisdom? Her wisdom is... For instance, are you on fire sexually and creatively in the summer? I think I am on fire.

Yeah, where are you talking about your dick being on fire before? Yeah, you're definitely on fires, actually. Okay, so that's me. I failed that one. Roger, do you feel any affinity towards that one? No, I'm more thinking about the earth powers. Okay, so what does that refer to? I am on earth and I do have power. My poop looks like a big chunk of earth sometimes.

Maddox, this is a serious test. It's not about poop and bullshit. Okay, my poop is pretty serious. Wisdom, do you find yourself bubbling from an internal caulder? of ancient natural healing wisdom, are people drawn to you to sit by your fire and discuss life in all its fury? What is with all the fire?

That's what witch is ewes and caldrons, man. Come on, get with it. I feel like that's you. What? This one, you're the wisdom. Do you find yourself bubbling from an internal cauldron of ancient... Well, he was bubbling with anger before

when we were talking about who gets you... Exactly. All joking aside, usually I do feel a bubbly gurgling in my stomach right before I poop sometimes and it's diarrhea sometimes. Oh, is it the poop? Let's see. Can you hit your sound effect, the one where the audience is booing?

How's that one? All right, there you go. How about this? Magical, magic. Did you believe in magic as a child? See magic in the air? Do you believe that nothing means nothing? Whoa.

All right, this is getting really deep. What the hell kind of a quiz is this? Sometimes, I was at a magic show a long time ago, this place called the Magic Castle, and the magician was doing this trick, and I felt this gurgle in my stomach, and I went to the bathroom, and I pooped out everything that I had.

All right, if you're going to make this all about poop, let's just move on. He's literally shitting over everything. One last stat, Republicans and Democrats equally believe in witches. Idiots. Yeah, so for all the liberal fucks on the internet that say Republicans are so stupid,

why don't you suck on that broomstick? Fuck you. Which alarmism is a problem. Roger? All right, well, since we got the Halloween theme going, my problem is people who do not dress up on Halloween in costumes. That is a big problem. All right.

This is a big problem. So, first off, let's say, you know, you're at home and you're the one given out the candies. I get these assholes who will come up to the house not wearing anything, and then they get pissed off that I don't give them any candy. That's bullshit. It's like, you could just walk up to someone's house any day of the year. and not in costume and ask for candy and they're not going to give it to you.

So why do you think just because it's Halloween you're going to get the candy? Have you ever been like egged or had your house tepee because of that? No, no, never had that. Roger, I'm usually out on Halloween anyway, but, you know, still before I go out that night, I'll have someone come up to the house

not wearing a costume, like, too bad. Yeah, but at the end of the day, you're talking about, I don't know, three cents worth of sugar that you're denying someone for not dressing up. Yeah, absolutely. What do you give about candy? I don't give a shit.

Okay. You're one of the most petty people I know, and you're telling me you wouldn't do that? I mean, I had to have some special candy for them. But, yeah. Yeah, you know, I would give them my shitty candy. That's what I would give them. Give them rotten apples. You know, there's these people who also wear the T-shirts that say, this is my costume.

I hate those. I hate those. That's bullshit. That's not a costume. Now I'm on board, Roger. You have, you lost me at the beginning, but now I'm on board because I hate that shit. And I also hate any kind of ironic. And they think it's so ironic and funny, and it's not.

It's old, it's done, it's tired, and yeah, it's absolutely ridiculous. Plus, you know, there's also Halloween parties. It's the same thing, you know. I go to Halloween parties, I want to see everyone in costume, having a good time, this up. But there's always like that one guy who just, he's too cool to wear a costume. Yeah, I hate that he's bad. I think it's total bullshit that, you know, oh, I'm suddenly past the age of 18. Now I'm not supposed to wear costumes anymore because I'm an adult and I'm responsible.

Fuck that. It's Halloween, have fun. You're making everybody self-conscious when you do that. But it's also like it. It's a lose-lose, Roger. I remember, so I was always in the Halloween spirit. Every year I would dress up. And then something happened, right when I turned like 15 years old,

dress up my Halloween costume, went door to door like I always do. And something happened. People were saying, you're too old to go trick-or-treating. And I was at a loss. I thought, well, this is shitty. 15 is the worst age to be because you're not old enough to drive to buy your own candy, but you're too old to go trick-or-treating. So you're just stuck in this limbo of candied-less Halloween.

For the record, I believe there's no age limit to trick or treating. Well, that's you or believe, right. Yeah. No, I'll give you that. Oh, my. Kids, like teenagers, dressing up and going around as long as they're going to participate. They're going to fuck on your lawn, man. That's what they do.

What are you? What are you, like, the moral police? You know, on teenagers banging? That's the best time to bang when you're a teenager, man? Oh, I miss out on that. Those are my favorite banging memories. Yeah. Oh, baby.

You're so happy for everything you get now. I don't get a hummer during an act of love, and I'm bitter about it. When I was a teenager, man, every score was a win. Yeah. Yeah, well, maybe, but I don't want them having it on my lawn. Do you get that? No. All right, let's look up the percentage of people that are having sex on your lawn.

It's probably about right around the same level as Ebola. No, I think it's about 100%. I found condoms on my sidewalk. It's disgusting. Are you serious? Yeah, fart condoms. Maybe from you, Dick. Did you really find condoms on your side?

Oh, yeah, it's disgusting. Just like two weeks ago. There was a pink. This isn't a Halloween issue though, George. This is just the neighborhood. I say it again. This isn't a Halloween issue, Maddox. This is just the neighborhood you happen to live in.

How do you know it's not, how do you know these aren't teenagers just having sex on my lawn in preparation for Halloween? Because you live next to a homeless shelter? So I'm sure it's homeless people jerking off with lobed condoms. Gross. Is that a thing? Yeah. Why would they do that? Because they don't have lotion.

Maybe it's my fucking hippie neighbor, fucking all the homeless people. I hate her so much. This is disgusting. Yeah. How do we get here from me just not liking people who don't wear costumes on Halloween? Please take it back to that. Yeah, that's what I'm trying to talk about. I think it's a problem.

People wearing the stupid, this is my costume t-shirts. I do hate that. I think it's a problem. People not putting in even minimal effort into making a crappy costume. Like, go to a dollar store. They have amazing stuff at the dollar stores that you can, slap a costume together for it. I'm actually shocked every year at what Maddox can put together at the last minute at the dollar store. The worst costume I've seen him do is he actually,

in fact, the fan is right here in that room. He removed the fan blade from his room fan, wore it as a necklace, and he basically said, I'm a fan. Yeah, that's his costume. Now, an oscillating fan. Okay. And then is, is a problem guys who argue about what their costume is? is was that one you were going to bring it last year go ahead yeah i i just want to point out the the fan was really cool i drew fan blades on my shirt no one thought that was cool oh yeah i guarantee you no one thought that was cool oh everyone loved it baby everyone was taking pictures of me stop me me celebrities were stopping me there was a the k tLA news copter was like zooming in on me like i i know i know that's not true because i've actually had the ktla people interview me about

my costume so i know that's cool shit fuck you maddox shut up dick you weren't there i had i had two buttons on my fan. One said cool and one said super cool. It was the best costume, man. Everyone loved it. And I don't even want to get into your predator costume. Oh, that's pretty good. Dick, I know you saw this. No, I love it. What I love about your costumes is that you obviously put so much work into them

and they still look like total garbage. Like, it's like watching a child. Like the ratio of work to failure on your costumes is so incredibly high. You need to explain, because I mean, they can't see it. Explain what went into the Predator costume.

My Predator costume, yeah. I spent like 20 bucks on this thing, and I spent like a good hour putting it together. So I bought a baseball cap, and I cut off the rim, and then I put pins and tubes in the top, and I drew, like, the predator texture on it. It looked really, like,

did you get the tubes from your heroin addict neighbors? No, Roger. I got it from the hardware store, and they're really high-quality tubes. They're really strong. I'll post a picture of it online. I'll let you guys decide how realistic. And then a couple years back,

I went to an anime convention because I got a free ticket. I'm like, yeah, fuck it, I'll check it out. Weird as shit. I made a Teckaman costume. I think his name is Tekeman. What's Tekeman? He's one of the Tatsunoko versus Capcom. Oh, Jesus.

What the hell is that? Can you just, like, not? He's like kind of a cyborg warrior. He looks like Vector Man. I think he is Vector Man, actually. All of this is gibberish to me. Is he a robot or an alien or... No, just a guy in a suit, like a cool mech suit.

Okay. I do, I'll give anyone credit who dresses up on Halloween. but I do kind of, it is kind of annoying when someone will dress up in something so obscure that no one knows what the hell it is. So it's like, if you're doing that, you can't get pissed off when people ask you what it is. Well, then you gotta talk to them about it.

You know everyone that night's gonna be, what are you supposed to be? You have to answer those questions. Hey, Roger, have you seen the Kirby Endusiasm episode where Larry David refused to give out candy to a trick-or-treater? No, but I do love that show. I have just a little clip we can play from that.

Okay. Trick-or-treat. How old are you? 13? 13? 13? Yeah. Yeah.

You look more like 16 or maybe even 17? No, we're 13. Can we just have a candy please? Yeah. Where's your customs? I'm being my sister. You're being your sister. This is my teacher.

You're a teacher. So can we get some candy, grandpa? Yeah, can we have our candy? Hello? Yeah, I don't think so. Yeah. Are you kidding? It's Halloween.

Yeah, I know. It doesn't mean that you're entitled to just go around to people's homes. Yeah, what are you saying? Larry David already thought of it. Are you kidding? Got assholes? Yeah, that's what happens. That's what happens.

I went when I was like 15 years old, just trying to get candy, and I met a Larry David who told me no. Yeah, but you just heard that. They weren't in costume. Did you go and were you dressed in costume? If you were dressed in costume and got denied, well, then again, your costumes are pretty bad. What was your costume?

I was Dracula. And how did you assemble this garbage? Okay, so I had, please tell me you have photos of this. I had, I was wearing a cowboy hat. Okay, already a failure. Already embarrassing. With a blonde wig and a vampire cave. Come on, man.

Why did you think that was Dracula? Because I had Dracula teeth in my mouth. Hey, y'all, this is Dracula. I'm gonna be soaking your blood than that. Oh, you guys are discriminating. You're saying they can't be like country superstar Dracula? Huh? That's what I was.

That is not what you described to us. You just said, I'm Dracula. I wasn't country superstar Dracula. I just made that up. I just thought about it. Exactly. You're pulling it out of your ass. Roger, why do you think these people won't wear costumes?

What's the deal? A lot of time, I think it's because they're, they just think they're too cool for it? That's seriously it. I think they're too cool or they're just too lazy and they think they still deserve candy or they should still be going to the Halloween party

even though they're too cool to dress up for it. Life has no room for being too cool. No, it does not. That's the overarching statement of this is we're all in here together. It sucks. Nothing's cool about this. Halloween is one of the few days of the year

that you can absolutely have a blast. You can just dress up whatever the hell you want to be and you can just have fun all night long. And to not celebrate that, it's a wonderful holiday. It's just, I do not understand people who do not want to get in on that. What was your favorite Halloween costume

that you've ever been? Because you love Halloween. I do love Halloween. You're not a last minute guy. My favorite one from my childhood, like when I was a real young kid, was a Pac-Man costume that my mom actually made for me.

And it was from, she actually used, you know, underneath like bed mattresses they used to have, it was almost like just this long foam pads, I guess, that they would put on top of the box springs. She actually cut up a big yellow one of those and sewed it all together and looked like Pac-Man. And my brother was a blue ghost,

so I would chase them around the whole night. So that was a great one. From more modern times, my wife and I went out and she helped me make this Flaming Carrot costume. Flaming Carrot is a comic book character, just this giant carrot, and it looked incredible. We had, you know, we actually had the top of his head

flaming and lighting up and everything. That was great. But a lot of tournament and nerd shows that we do at UCB also. Those are kind of like trial runs for Halloween costumes a lot of the time, too. Yeah, that's where I wore my Predator costume, which was awesome. Everybody loved you. All right. I always try to do costumes that are also like sexy costumes.

Oh, you do the sexy ones. Yeah, I try to sneak it in there. Like I'll be like a swarthy pirate. All right, look. Or like a guy wearing a suit. Like who are you? like, ah, you know, just like a business. Let me ask you this.

What do you think about, a lot of women feel pressured to wear sexy costumes? I don't think they feel pressured. I think they're tripping over themselves to wear sexy costumes. Maybe a lot of them do. But I always think it's way cooler when they're actually like, they're not worrying about that. They're like, fuck it, I'm going to dress as something scary.

You know what? I love that. Last, well, not scary, but last Halloween, I hooked up with a girl who was dressed as a chick version of Marty McFly from Back to the Future. Yeah. And it was like, we had like an actual conversation about it, which, uh, you don't, which, well, I've never had with like, oh, a sexy, uh, sexy attorney

general costume. Yeah, it's always sexy something which pisses me off. I thought it pisses you off. Yeah, just be a real thing for once, for, for, for, for, for, for, for, for, for, for, like, every chick, oh, I gotta be sexy. I'm gonna be sexy time. Yeah, I, I, I, I, think, I want people to dress up absolutely, but yeah, yeah, you know, you don't have to overkill the sexy shit. I, although, I don't complain, because sometimes it's, it is super sexy, but, um, there are a lot of stupid sexy costumes out there though in stores this year. Like every year. Like sexy Rick Grimes from The Walking Dead. He's the sheriff in the

Walking Dead. That is a costume this year. And if it's not sexy, they call it sassy, but it's the same thing. Oh, yeah. I like sassy. That sounds, I want to talk to someone's... You want to talk to sassy Rick Grimes? Yeah, I want to talk to Sassy Rick Grimes. What's been your favorite garbage Halloween costume, Maddox? Well, Dick, a couple of... Shut up. One year I did dress up as the

The interrogated terrorist from What was that big Scandal in Iraq? Abu Ghraib. Abu Ghraib, yeah. The witch prisoner? I was him, yeah, one year. And nobody got it until I put my arms out.

Because he looks like a clan member also. Did you think about that? No, I didn't think about that. With the pointy hat? That's the one. Yeah, you looked like you were in the clan. Yeah, well. I'm amazed you didn't get the ship beat out of you that night.

It was in Utah. So people were on... Oh, people are like this guy. Cool. A couple of... A couple of years ago, Dick, you and I went out, and you were... As friends. As friends.

Yeah, just as friends. It was platonic. We didn't make out. You were Jesus. Lies. And I was a car. And that was my costume. I think it was last year, actually.

I put a steering wheel over my head, and I wore an air freshener, and I drew grills on my t-shirt. And I had two clicky, like, closet lights as headlights. Oh, like those as seen on TV lights? Yes. Yeah, those. And then I had tail lights, too. And I had, it was delightful. It was great.

Yeah, it was a great costume. I was a car. See, that's real creative. I didn't see any cars. I like it when people make their own costumes. I do like that. Yeah. Yeah.

So take that. Check your ironic detachment at the door. That's what you're saying, right? Yeah. Forget the, this is my Halloween costume t-shirts. Yeah, it's not fucking funny. Forget not dressing up at all. Just show up in costume or don't show up at all.

Right, I agree. Roger, you brought with you a couple of fortune cookies, too. Yeah. I actually found some Halloween fortune cookies. brought one for each of you guys. So which one do you want? I want to buy a black one. We have black and orange.

They're flavor the same. He gets prima nocturn at everything. Okay. All right. Prima nocturn. What is that? That's how English nobleman used to like bang people's lives. That sounds like some witchcraft shit.

I don't know. I think you might be one of those witches. And I think I'm part of the 26% here. You guys didn't watch Braveheart? That's how Braveheart starts. Oh, breakers so boring. I hate that movie. Oh, you shut your mouth.

Yeah. So we got, so we're opening up. Always have. Always wall. Okay. Great, Roger. We're opening up our fortune cookies. I got one.

Oh, it has a jack-lantern on it. Okay, here's my fortune. It says, you'll get candy corn stuck in your teeth. Is it really? Is that what it says? It says I'll get candy corn stuck in my teeth. It's a shitty fortune. It's a shitty fortune.

Do you like candy corn? No, it's garbage. All right, hold on. Dick, do you like candy corn? I love candy corn. Good. Good. I do too.

I got one in light of my recent tangles with chlamydia. I think you guys are going to love this one. Here's my fortune. Slime will ooze from your eyes, nose, mouth. Perfect. Tag on in bed at the end of that one. That's a pretty spooky fortune.

Yeah, I like that one. Yeah. So either I'm going to get Ebola. Yours actually has a pumpkin on it. Yeah, mine has a pumpkin. What does yours have, Dick? A ghost. All right.

Madge, you want to get to your problem? Wait, before we do, I actually pulled up a picture of my costume when I was Tekeman at Anime Con. I want to get your guys' honest opinion. Okay. Techuman was the giant, the costume of the giant nerd. nerd, right? Is that what we determined that guy was? Some kind of robotic nerd.

I thought that Smatics was just regular attire. Okay. Let's see it. Tell me what you guys think of this. It's garbage. Okay, let me see it now. It's just you and a white t-shirt. All right. Yeah, it's you and white t-shirt with tinfoil wrapped around your face. Yeah, that's my mask. And then I drew the rainbow thing on his chest. I think I nailed it.

Yeah, you did. You nailed it. You nailed it. You nailed it. You nailed it. I'll post this on the website. But yeah, man. I think that looks pretty good. And so I wore this to AnimeCon, and those fucking nerds take it so seriously. They got really pissed off when I would photo bomb their stupid, their stupid cosplay. They are super serious there. I got a picture of this guy who was pissed. Anime Expo is great, though.

I mean, that's... No, it is great. Like, if you want to see just amazing, the amount of work people put into those costumes, it rivals comic-con. So, I mean, it's fun to just look at all the crazy costumes. I don't get like half of the references, but there's some great stuff there. Take a man. what they do. Not a single person recognizes me as Teckerman.

I thought that would be the place for sure. Anyway, I can understand why. Down syndrome who's had too much fun with tinfoil. And then found a janitor's broom. That's why. I don't give a shit those fucking nerds. Like, anime convention is the nerdiest thing I've ever been to. And this is, I've been Comic Con for like, what, eight, nine consecutive years.

It is, it is a, excuse me, it is a level of nerdy that is far and above anything I've ever witnessed. And I, I'm a computer programmer. I don't, I can't relate to these people how fucking nerdy they are. You are nerdy. You realize that, right? You know, Roger, sure. I am. Speaking of nerdy,

Roger and I did not discuss this in advance, but both of us intuitively brought in Halloween-themed problems for this Halloween-themed episode. And guess who didn't pick up on that when we came in here to record today? Get it didn't tell me. Well, whatever, I got one. I got one. I'm sure his problem before we came in was like,

Y equals MX plus B. Why doesn't everyone know that? Wow, that's pretty good, actually. This problem was Moore's law. I wasn't expecting the slope formula in here. Okay, so here we go. Slope intercept form. Yeah.

Here's my problem this week. Not enough razor blades in candy. Yeah. Pretty good problem. Jesus Christ. Right? Thank you. Oh, thank you, Maddox, for the applause.

Yeah. So, first of all, the first thing you goo, when you Google, razor blades in candy, you know what the first thing that comes up? This is a disappointment. Poison candy myths. It's a Wikipedia page. It's an urban legend. It is.

It is? There were all kinds of ads that they would put out back then because this thing got started, but yeah, it actually has not happened a lot at all. Oh, that's weird. So there are a few instances of people doing some shenanigans with candy a long time ago.

So here's the description from Wikipedia. It says, poison candy myths are an urban legend that malevolent individuals could hide poison or drugs or sharp objects such as razor blades, needles, or broken glass in candy, and distribute the candy in order to harm random children, especially during Halloween or trick-or-treating. So in 1959, there's this dentist in California.

His name is William Shine. He gave candy-coated laxative pills to trick-or-treaters. That's great. He was charged with outrage of public decency and unlawful dispensing of drugs. He just gave lexatives out. So what? Candy makes a shit a little bit. Well, for a kid.

It's magic trick. It's funny, but if a kid eats, it can't be, like, die of dehydration? That's how you die of diarrhea. Right. You get dehydrated and then you die, Orea? Yeah. Oh my gosh, Roger. No, that's like malaria.

If you get like malaria and it's severe enough. But it's a kid, he's just going to be eating candy all night anyway. This doctor's, this dentist is doing in favor. That's why he'll die because he eats too much of it. I don't think it's, yeah, that's a, it is a crime what he did. Right. It's very dangerous for children. He was the first.

It wasn't a crime then. He had to test the system. This guy's a scientist. Yeah, he's testing and he's going to move on to date rape drugs next. Yeah. Get out of here. It's a harmless prank. Then in 1960s.

Harmless prank on kids. No prank on children is harmless. Harmless to the person doing the pranking. They get a little diary who cares. I get a diary all the time. In 1964, an annoyed Long Island New York housewife gave out packages of inedible objects to children whom she believed were too old to be trick-or-treating.

This could have been me, guys. The packages contain items such as steel wool, dog biscuits, and ant buttons, which are clearly labeled with the word poison. Though nobody was injured, she was prosecuted and pleaded guilty with endangering children. Whoa. This is a real thing? Yeah, I guess that was like... So like little ant poison pellets?

I guess, yeah, that was in 1964. But this shit is like so rare. It's been so overblown in the media over the years. Kind of like Ebola. Yeah. Ah. Yeah, but there's two instances of that happening. There's no two instances of witchery actually happening.

You don't know that, me. I do. I do. I do fucking know that no witch has ever happened anywhere ever. Dick, that, again, that could just be that our preventative measures are working. Maddox just admitting you believe in witches. Could you imagine going out with a girl, like going on a date with a girl, and you sit down, and the topic of, like, witchery comes up, and she just goes, that's stupid.

My head would blow up. If she just said flat out, oh, yeah, witchery and, like, sorcery, it's dumb. Because that's never happened. Because that's never happened to me. It's always... Every girl's like, oh, yeah, I'm not a witch, but I can do Reiki. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Here, let me rub my hands together.

There we go. There we go. It's always something. Yeah, so And that's, you can bet your ass That came up with that Wiccan I dated She had a cloak and everything Although she couldn't fly on a broom I would love to bang a chick on a broom

Right? What? That just sounds uncomfortable I mean, you know, as a witch If she was a witch No, if she was a witch, wouldn't that be like hot, something like bewitched? The bewitched chick was hot from the TV show

Yes, Samantha, she was beautiful, right? Wouldn't you want to bang her on a broomstick? No. Why not? How would the fuck, man, Have you tried to ban... I've banged in a hammock, in a spa. They're awful.

It's awful. It's called a sex swing, dick. No, it was a hammock. It was like a literal hammock. Yeah, it was a Burning Man. Oh. What about the broom is turning you on so much? That's what I want to know.

Logistics are very important in sex. You know, I haven't thought that far through, guys. I'm thinking of this as, like, my 12-year-old fantasy. Like, I wanted to bang... You're thinking about, like, actually flying in the air through the sky. Yes, that. That's what I'm thinking of. Like, I'm flying in the sky, and I'm banging away.

You want to be, like, Lois Lane with Superman. Yeah. Is that right? Yeah. That's fucking guy. Yeah. And also, and this is the guy

who just a few minutes ago was talking about how anime Expo was the nerdiest thing you've ever seen. Whatever. How would you balance? Magic?

Come on. And then also, if shit goes awry and the chick is like, I'm not into this anymore, she could just drop you to your death. Isn't that hot? Like,

ah. No, I don't want that kind of pressure. I mean, I'd like, I think that'd be the most satisfying sex I'd ever have. Were you murdered afterwards?

Like a praying mantis? What is that called? Cannibalism? Yeah, mantis sex. There you go. No. But then she could like swoop down and catch you and be like, just kidding. But like, oh my gosh, I thought I was going to die.

She wanted to date like a psychotic abusive witch. Who lets you almost die just for the sexual thrill. I'm pretty sure there are people you can hire to do this stuff to you. Yeah. No, no one can fly. Whatever. Like the girl who was a zombie. One's going to eat your brain.

Oh my gosh. That's a fucking story. Holy shit. No, no, no. That's a whole episode. I don't think you bring that in. Yeah, yeah. Okay.

So there's this book that was written, or actually it was a study. It's called The Razor Blade in the Apple, the Social Construction of Urban Legends. Okay. And this guy talked about how in New Jersey, they passed laws against Halloween sadism. That's what they call this, Halloween sadism.

Schools trained children to inspect their treats for signs of tampering, and some communities tried to ban trick-or-treating. Jesus Christ. Speaking of alarmism, by 1984, the threat of Halloween, was apparently taken for granted. Doubts about the threats, reality, rarely appeared in print.

Several Oregon third graders wrote letters to newspapers saying things like, I wish people wouldn't put poison in our Halloween treats. And they don't. They don't. Oh, well, you're an idiot. There you go, good wish. Wish, be reasonable. I mean, the whole idea of, like, just banning trick-or-treating is ridiculous as it is.

I mean, there was an article, our friend Brian actually sent to us. I don't know if you guys saw it. but he sent an article about these polar bears that were, I guess, I don't know where the town was, but they basically decided to bring trick-or-treating indoors because there's a polar bear problem. That's a pretty big problem. Worried about kids getting eaten while they were trick-or-treating.

And that just sounds like a horror movie in the making to me. What if? Like, even that, I'm not quite sure you should ban trick-or-treating for it. Well, it depends if the town is Norway, like Oslo or Mexico City. Yeah, no, it was like, Yeah. No, it was Where polar bears.

Polar bears? Yeah. What if people handed out polar bears as a treat? That would be the trick. That's a pretty good prank, right? Maddox?

That's a harmless prank on it. No one's getting harm there, just like X-lax. You get a polar bear. Yeah, who cares? You get a little diarrhea. You can die from that. If you eat enough of it.

No, like a baby maybe, but babies can't walk. You like fucking with people's food, though. You have a weird. We've gone over this in previous episodes. Madax's like slipping shit in people's food. It's really weird. Oh, he just likes ruining food.

Just in general. Roger, you're the last person to talk about food, buddy. No, I am the authority on food. Yeah, you're the authority on shitty food. No, let me ask you this, Dick. Would you like to eat spinach cookies? I've eaten Maddox's spinach cookies. They're surprisingly good, and I like that he used the spinach as food coloring instead of food coloring.

I liked it. I was impressed. Those were the worst. Hey, let me ask you something. Do you like spicy food? Yes. Yeah. I thought I was going to have him on that one.

But not really spicy. So this book. book. This book came out. Nothing is real spicy according to him. Yeah, I mean, he drinks from volcanoes, right? Yeah, bullshit. I do. Roger, I'll outspice you any day, buddy.

I'll drink, I got a bottle of my hot sauce, right? Right, right here. Let's drink them. Here you go. Let's go all angry and sweaty. I'm going to drink this. I'll drink this right. Drink it.

Drink it. Okay, I'm drinking hot sauce right now, alive on the show. I'm glad you're doing this. Here we go. Great. This is not impressive. Oh, you show, yeah, I'm just, I'm loving that he's doing this. Look at that.

Yeah. I'm not going to. here is him shitting himself in agony after the podcast concludes. Who cares? I get diarrhea all the time. It's not a big deal. Actually, I don't. I'm invincible. Okay, so. Which is it? Yeah, you've been flip-lopping on that all

episode. Look, sometimes I get diarrhea. Let's check the toilet. Let's check the splash-up on the toilet. There is very little splash-up. My toilet's clean. Chicks love my toilets. All right. Do you have any more planks that are being pulled? I got a stats for you. Why do you want more

razor blades in candy? Why is that's the problem. Well, because then it's interesting, right? Oh, okay. Then at least you have, then you have something to story. No, because it never fucking happens. Here's the thing. The only way that could possibly affect a kid is if he gets an apple and trumps down on it so fast and so hard. It's just never going to happen. It's a fucking horror story trope. Yeah. This book came out called Halloween sadism, the evidence. The Sky Research newspapers from 1958 to 1983. It's like 30 years of research in search in search of candy, Of the stories, fewer than 90 instances might have qualified as actual candy tampering. Fewer than 90 instances.

That hot sauce is fucking with your tongue over there. I just got a lot of saliva. I guess you're not as tough as you thought. I'm real tough. As he's taking a swig of his coke there. I bet you couldn't take another swig of that hot sauce right now. Look, I want to do the show. Shut up, Dick.

I want to do the show. Listen to this. So despite the falsity of these claims, the new media promoted the story continuously throughout the 1980s, excuse me, the news media promoted his story. What's wrong there? Having a little trouble? I think, shut up. I'm not editing this out. You are having a rough time. No, because I have

a lot of slime in my mouth. Do you want me to spit to prove it? Yeah. I got a lot of slime. I'm sure you have slime in your mouth and not your pussy. I think that might be his tears going into his mouth. Shut up. Okay, so despite what? Sorry.

Yeah. I just want to see if he can make it through this. Yeah. I don't have to read my my interesting stats that I brought it. You don't fuck you guys. I'm not here. I just want it read properly by someone whose tongue hasn't swollen into a slab of roast beef. You need some milk or some bread? Hey, I don't see you two pussies drinking any hot sauce.

I drink half this fucking bottle in two swigs. Oh yeah? Drink the whole bottle. Drink the whole bottle. Prove us wrong. Yeah, great. And then what? Prove us how manly you are.

Look, I have to fucking talk during this entire episode. I can drink plenty of hot sauce. I can drink hot sauce all day. I feel fucking great about it. As long as you have a couple hours to recover afterwards. I don't need a couple hours. Maddo you see the puppet strings above your head right now? You see the puppet strings?

You guys think you're so fucking clever, but I'm doing this. I'm doing this. You guys are such an assholes. Read the thing about the book. I don't know if I want to anymore. Okay, here we go. So despite the falsity of these claims, the news media promoted the story continuously throughout the 1980s

with local news stations featuring frequent coverage. This was just entirely a media invention, just like Ebola and the California drought and killer bees and SARS and avian flu, and pig flu. By 1985, the media had driven the hysteria about candy poisoning to such a point that ABC News, Washington Post poll found that 60% of parents feared that their children would be injured or killed because of Halloween candy sabotage.

Oh, my God. And your thing is that you want to bring that back? You want that all in the media? Give the people what they want. You know, at least justify the hysteria. That's what I'm saying. And it's an interesting story. I've never known any kids to die by Halloween candy.

Wouldn't it be cool? Be like, oh, man, get it. Remember, Joey? Died by eating a razor blade in an apple, which never fucking happens. I know, I had an ex-girlfriend who almost died with some Halloween candy. Yeah, have you guys ever actually gotten? She almost choked to death on some nuts.

Little Halloween humor for you. Gross, go ahead, Roger. Have you guys ever actually gotten any, like, questionable Halloween candy? Like, you know, just those ones where you're like, oh, man, I'm not eating that. Yeah, I got an unwrapped. What was it? You know those candies that come in strings

where it's wrapped in plastic, but they're individual beads and they're colorful? I don't know what they are. It's like a necklace, it's like a necklace, it's a little string of them, and they're a little candy. Is it like a nerd's rope? Not a nerds rope.

They're not connected in any way. They're little beads of chocolate. They look like M&Ms, but they're completely round. Sixlets? Yeah, sixlets. Those are the ones. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I got one of those one time, and it was open,

and they were like kind of loosely scattered in my... Those things are packaged very... poorly, though. They're ready to pop. They're ready to burst. Yeah. Oh, you know what, though? I got those little candies,

those little wax cola bottles with the juice in. Oh, those are great. The knick and nips. Oh, my gosh. For years, I just threw those out and not knowing what the fuck they were. I thought it was a stupid toy. You were throwing those out?

I didn't know what it was. And then finally, as an adult, I bought them. It's candy. Yeah, I bought them from the dollar store. They're delicious, aren't they? I'm like, there's juice in these. Yeah. Yeah.

I bit off the top and I drank the juice. Just like I did the hot sauce. I was like a man. And these pussies won't drink any. Oh, yeah. Being stupid. Putting stupid things in your mouth is not the definition of a man. Yeah, it sounds like your girlfriend definitely wasn't.

Dick, I don't remember him drinking hot sauce, you? Yeah, my girlfriend wasn't a man. Can you show us you drinking some hot sauce? Yeah, shut up, Roger. How about you? How about you, Dick? Did you ever get any bad candies? Weird, I got a, I got a Christian pamphlet.

Oh, that's the worst. About Jesus one time. That's another. But I really remember it. I don't know why. That's actually another problem that should be on the list, actually. Yeah, people handing out pamphlets of any kind rather than candy. Yeah.

We would go to, like, the rich neighborhoods, and all the rich people would give out, like, full candy bars. But who cares? It's like, oh, wow. You know what, take two regular, regular-sized ones. Take two regular-sized candies, you're fine. No, because the big ones are different. Yeah. They're better.

And now they have, like, those, like, tiny little bites and stuff, and you don't get, like, if you get a snickers. If you get a Snickers one, there's, like, no peanuts in it or something. Right, right. I remember, I know why that Jesus pamphlet stuck in my mind so much, because it bothered me when I was a kid, I was like nine years old, it bothered me that they didn't theme the propaganda to Halloween. So I'm like, they're handing out all this propaganda for kids. Why wouldn't they make it about Halloween?

Like I'm sitting here with all my candy. You know, if you're celebrating the devil's holiday, you know, you're going to go to hell. Or like Jesus shared candy and it was great and everyone loved him. I'd be sitting there as a kid going like, oh, maybe there's, you know, maybe this Jesus guy's all right. But instead it's about, like, I don't give a shit about this. I'm eating candy. Right.

And the poor marketing bothered me. Poor marketing. They need to market it better. However, Christians have Christmas, which is great marketing for a religion. There's no other religion that even comes close. Like, the closest is what? Judaism and they have Hanukkah and Passover, I guess. Which Passover is a terrible thing to sit through.

Doesn't Islam have two Christmases? Like, Aide? I think they have like one in the... I think they do have two of Christmas holidays. Yeah, there's the big one. where they fast for a month, like on Saturdays or something like that for a month. I did it a Persian girl.

She had two Christmases as she described it to me. Yeah. When I was in Dubai, they did Christmas way better than Americans do Christmas. I believe that. Same for when I was in South Korea. Same thing. It was way better.

And Hong Kong. They do Christmas way better than Christians than Christian nations. In Dubai, they had a bigger Christmas tree than any Christmas tree I've ever seen my life in the mall, and this is a Muslim country. Get your shit together, America. I'm so pissed off about that.

Yeah. Yeah. Like, we invented the thing, and we're not even doing it right. We shouldn't be talking about Christmas on a Halloween episode. This is a Halloween episode. All right. Do you want to wrap you? Go ahead, so.

I was going to say, I remember, like, some of the worst candies I ever got was, you know, you'd get, like, a piece of chocolate that, it's like clearly had been sitting out. It almost looked like a car battery with, like, too much of that acid stuff on top of it. It just did not look right. But I did get a rock in my trick-or-treat bag once. Did you really? Just like Charlie Brown? Yeah.

But it wasn't like a full bag. It was just one rock and I was so excited about it. Yeah. Yeah, that's just great. Yeah, I really was. People always like say, oh, you don't want to get any rocks, but no, you do. You want at least one rock. Yeah, that's awesome.

That's a win. I'll give you a rock. My neighbor, my neighbor's a dentist. My neighbor's a dentist, speaking of like shitty poisoned candy, she actually gave out apples, which pissed me the fuck off. Because I lived on an acre. I had an orchard in my backyard. They weren't like candy apples?

No, they're from her own fucking yard. She was my next door neighbor. I would eat her apples all the time when I was walking home from school. I didn't want more of her shitty apples. that I get for free anyway. That sounds like an erotic story. He's my neighbor. I'd eat her apples all the time.

Oh, I got some stories. Yeah. I ate some apples. From her? Oh, yeah. Really? Well, not the mom, but her daughters, yeah. Oh, how many daughters?

Three daughters? How many apples? I got together with her daughters, and we made applesau. How much applesau did you make? Bouchels of applesau. Wow. With multiple daughters? Multiple daughters?

Multiple daughters. Whoa! Yeah. Yeah. Different ages, different daughters. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Let's end the episode on that.

Yeah, let's do that. My problem... Okay, what were your problems? Dick your brother... My problem is which alarmists? Uh-huh. Roger, your problem? People not wearing Halloween costumes on Halloween

or putting in absolute minimal efforts such as, you know, wearing t-shirts that say this is my costume. Not wearing costumes on Halloween. Not wearing costumes on Halloween. What's your psychopath problem? The real winner this week? Not enough razor blades in candy.

to justify the alarmism or urban legends. So, Roger, do you want to promote anything while you're here? You want to mention your sites? Oh, sure, yeah. Come to my website. It's iMockery.com. That's I, the letter I-hifen mockery.com. We're in the middle of the two months of Halloween celebration.

You can check out all the stuff I've been writing on there. What are you talking about next on your site? I'm trying to think. Next, I think we're going to cover the video game Night Trap, which is pretty honest. I remember that game. The second CD. That was a cool game. It was like band, wasn't it?

It had Dana Plato in it from different strokes. Yeah. So that's going to be on there. And also got, you know, a bunch of video games you can play on there that we've made. Of course, Bobo's Big Adventure. Your games are great. Thanks, man. I go to check out your games, and then I realize I've wasted like two hours.

That's good. That's the goal. Yeah. Because they're so violent. Oh, yeah. They're like eight-bit violent, like Smash TV. I love the retro games, so that's what we kind of modeled them after. And other than that, you know, I'm.

do videos on my YouTube channel, YouTube.com slash roger bar, and if you want to follow me on Twitter, I'm at IMockery, no hyphen just. Yeah, we'll link to all the stuff on the website. Cool. And then Dick, we have a very important announcement to make. Oh, yeah.

We are doing the bonus episode. It's a reality. It's coming out the first week of November. And it's going to be really exciting, something new, but also related to the show. And it's going to be a lot of fun. We're super excited about this. I think a lot of fans have been asking for this.

for a long time, and that will be ad-free. That's just going to be... I'm going to give you a clip that you can use for that episode. Bonus episode! Yeah! That will be November 5th on a Wednesday.

November 5th on a Wednesday, coming soon. And then subsequent episodes will probably release on Mondays. But, yeah, the bonus episode's going to be a lot of fun. We're super excited about. Awesome. Yeah, and don't forget to vote on these problems. Even if you think they're horseshit

like Dix and Rod. This episode. Which alarmist? Yeah, which alarmist actually? Bigger problem than Ebola alarmists, apparently. People not wearing Halloween costumes. Biggest problem. Thanks for listening.

Thank you.