The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 26

Episode Date: May 3, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe. I'm Maddox. With me is Dick Masterson. Hey, what's up, buddy? How's it going? And Sean, our audio engineer. So, Dick, super exciting news. We teased this last episode, but we finally hit 1 million downloads.

Woo! I thought we were going to talk about our bonus episode. Yeah, well, that's, of course. And we launched our bonus episode. Our first ever bonus episode did tremendously well. You guys loved it. All the comments I've read, people really, really dig the episode. I got one from Christi.

When I grow up, I want to be Maddox's dad. Yeah. If you want to know what she's talking about, download the bonus episode. Also, handy Andy Pandy. Maddox, I found this episode funnier than any other you and Dick have done. Definitely worth the money. Maybe that was true last week, but he hadn't heard this episode. Yeah.

Every new episode is better than the last. So, yeah, by the end of this... When we discover what the biggest problem in the universe is, it'll be so hilarious. You guys will unhinge your jaws and die. Our goal is to kill our listeners through laughter. So if I can talk about the bonus episode a little bit more, we did a hot sauce challenge in that episode,

which I don't think is a secret. And where Maddox and I both drank hot sauce to see who could drink it faster and who didn't sound like a sniffling pussy after they drank it. Is that an accurate summation of the contest? I got to tell you, man, I didn't feel right for a week after that contest. Like, I went home.

I went home, the entire drive home, Maddox is extolling the virtues of drinking hot sauce, and I feel like I have a football made out of vinegar in my colon, as he's like, well, you know, it kills bad bacteria, and this, and this. And I'm like, dude, I seriously, I feel like I'm going to ship, I feel like I've been eating Vicodin for 13 days. Man, what about, it sounds like your entire stomach lining is made out of the same skin as vaginas. Like, you, what a pussy.

What a cry baby. That shit would make me feel right. I really hope you don't get an ulcer when you're like 43. Ulcers are caused by bacteria, and they can't live. You know what? Bacteria can't live in an environment that's inhospitable to them, and that's my stomach. It's full of piss and vinegar. Okay, well, I'm never going to do it again.

Either way, I'm never drinking hot sauce again. Hey, Dick, I got some stats. I got a stats for you. So I had a listener send in these stats. His name's Ryan Yoder. He did these really comprehensive stats. For our one-millionth episode, I just want to bring this in it. One million's download.

or one million download, right, we have not done a million episodes. So he brought some stats in about the number of episodes we've each won. You want to hear this? No. I mean, Dick. What's his name? Ryan Yoder. Oh, good for you, Ryan Yoder, you kiss-ass.

Brown-nosed are sending Maddox all these stats about how great he is. No, Dick, we don't know. We don't know who the winner is. I'll bet you've won more than you think. Really? Oh, yeah. All right. How much you want to bet?

Well, I don't know. Go ahead. You talk like you've never won. any. Yeah, how many do you think Dick's one, Sean? I think he's won between 10 and 15. I was going to say 10 that I've won 10 episodes. Yeah. Well, you both lose because you've only won 8. God damn it!

God damn it, Sean! You got my hopes up for nothing, you miserable, son of a bitch! Now I feel bad! I could have said 5, but you dick me over with 10! So I am number one. I'm the winner with 16, 16 wins, then Dick at 8, and Ryan Holiday,

one of our guests. He's the only one in the top in the top 10 with one win. Oh, man. Yeah. Good for you guys. Your winners together. These are the people who have the current highest problem for each episode. Then we also have some stats.

The total net up and down votes by each person. I'm number one with 52,000. Wait a minute. I'm sorry, the total up and down, like the total number of up votes you've gotten, your problems have gotten? Yes, correct. Sorry, continue. Yeah, I'm number one with 52,000, followed by Dick with 20, 20,000.

Then Ryan with 2,300. Then Astero's placed with 16, 1600, then Leah and then Roger with the measly 528. Are you saying that I'm closer to the guest with upboats than I am to you? Did I hear those numbers right? Man, fuck you. Fuck this million download celebration. Ryan Yoder. And he has some random trivia, too.

This is kind of interesting. There have been 92 problems mentioned on the podcast. The smallest problem to win an episode was crying from episode one. And it's ranked in number 42. This is the 42nd biggest problem in the universe, crying. Well, if you don't agree with that, head to the biggest problem in the universe.com and vote up crying. Yeah, vote up monkeys.

I keep warning, you idiots. No one votes up monkeys. Monkeys are the biggest problem in the universe. You guys don't listen to me. Go ahead. It's a bold experiment you did, and I got to say, it's really fun reading that problems page.

Yeah. Like seeing, because I look at it and I agree with it. Like, mostly the ranking. I'm like, yeah, that is kind of a bigger pain in the ass than AIDS. Like, if I had to... Armchair psychologist are worse than A's. Oh, and speaking of last week, yeah, and the problems from last week,

number one was pyramid schemes and herbal life, followed by pennies, bigger problem than both your bullshit-ass motorcycle farings and cat-calling. Cop motorcycle fairs. Oh, I'm sorry, cop motorcycle fae. Cat-calling, man, that was a controversial problem. Yeah.

A lot of comments about that one. I don't want to get into them, though, because I have a surprise for you. All right. So I don't know if anybody knows this listening. But, you know, Maddox is like an internet celebrity and kind of a real celebrity, too. So I put the word out in Hollywood that we've gotten a million downloads on this podcast just to see what would happen. Yeah?

Like, just to see if we have any celebrity listeners. Oh, do we? And do we? I think we actually do. Of course, there's no way to tell. No, I get out of here. They just call the voicemail. We got some celebrities to call them the voicemail?

Listen, listen, listen, listen. Hey Maddox, it's me, Zoe Dishanel. I'm really impressed by the one million downloads you have this week. I think that's her. It's a real big accomplishment. I wish I had that many people who visited my Pinterest board. So, congrats, have a lovely day. And, yeah, watch New Girl on Fox.

All right. plugging her show. So I honestly think that's real. But then you got guys like this. Hello, this is Sean Connery. Somebody please tell me what the fucker's a podcast. I don't know. I don't think he would say that.

That was Sean Connery? Yeah, that's Roger. That has to be Roger. My ass. Did that sound like Roger Barre you guys? Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, kind of. I got another one.

Hey, this is Seth. Seth Rogen. And I just want to say Congratulations to you, Maddox for a million downloads. That might be him. Yeah, I've never been more proud of you.

And I hope you continue to do a great job because you're very funny. And I listen to your podcast a lot. If you ever need me to be on... All right. That might be him. Yeah. I say Roger again.

No, that's definitely around Roger. I asked Roger. But then you get ones like... Ring a ding, ding, it's your old pal, Frank Sinatra, calling you to congratulate you. Frank Sinatra's dead. Oh, yes. I'm calling shenanigans. Oh, yes.

Only cut your what? 17 years, you a piece of shit. Oh, yeah, maybe you're right. To listen to this garbage. People who haven't discovered the entire rest of the internet, I hope you get hit by a drug driver and die. Hey, fuck you, Sinatra. That's badly mad. I don't need death threats from someone who's already in a grave, dickhead.

Fucking, that was a shit. That was a shit impression, too. Sinatra's dead. That is definitely not Sinatra. Well, what do you think about this impression? I didn't know, I didn't know you had a girlfriend. Oh, yeah? Is that right?

Yeah. You-hoo. I mean, I don't know. It's Maddox's girlfriend. Big Boops McGee. Happy million boys. Speaking of millions. Last night, Maddox made me scream a million times.

Ta-ta. Wink. I mean, that sounds like that. That was definitely my girlfriend. Yeah. It sounds like something she would say. No, yeah, that is something that my girlfriend has said multiple times, because I do make her scream a million times. Hello, this is Bain.

Oh, yes. I was wondering when you would pass a million subscribers. I don't know. That you did not enjoy The Dark Night Rises. Oh, guess what? You two can suck my dick. A million downloads, that's nothing. All right, Bain.

Bain, I imagine he has a real stubby penis. I don't think... Yeah, I don't think he's a real guy. Bain? Yeah, he's not a real guy. That's got to be fucking fake, Dick. Hey, Maddox, Dick. It's Christopher Watkins. This is Christopher Walken. I heard your podcast. It's just got a million downloads. That's excellent.

But if you ever talk about problems that don't matter again, I'll stab you in the face with a soldering iron. I mean, that's probably Roger Barthard. No, I think that's, if anyone is an actual celebrity, so far I think Christopher walking into a possibility because he's a random dude. He does a random shit like that. That's true. And Zoe Dashnell. I really think Zoe Daeshnell is a real celebrity who called in. Yeah, I wish we could verify that. Yeah. You want to hear one more? Yeah. And then I'm going to play some later in the episode. Sure. This is Edward James Arvose, and I'm calling to wish Dick and Maddox a happy million downloads.

Oh, man. Your show is so funny. That's cool. That's my laugh. Well, gotta run. I got tickets to see Jamie Kennedy and Fluffy. All right. All right, great. We don't need to know. Yeah, we don't care what you're doing.

And by the way, what was that? It sounded like water was running in the background. Do you have his sink running? You know what? That was actually... Boister's coconut? That was our friend Boister's Coconuts. Oh, that was Boister's coconuts.

Great. So he told me, I asked him to call in as a celebrity. Yeah. And he said, yeah, sure, I'll do it on my walk to work. So he's walking to work through New York screaming obscenities into his cell phone in like weird voices. And he chose Edward James almost. And did that impersonation. That's the second thing I would like to note. I ask these guys for celebrities. And what do I get? Bain? I got an Emperor Palpatine on here. I got that I got a sneak preview. Yeah. Oh yeah. Okay. You haven't even

done that way. Right. I'm sorry. I got Bain. I got basically comic book characters Zoe dash chanel Wait who is Edward James, what's the guy name's name? He was Edward James Almost. He was like a famous Mexican

actor. He's like the Mexican Sean Connery What has he been in? He's been an American me. He's before our time. He's like a generation before us but he's very accomplished actor. Something you might, what was it? Battle Star Galactica? There you go. Yeah. You know, I'm sorry. I don't think we can

count that as a celebrity Colin. I'm sorry, we're have to strike it from the records. Okay, so that's a problem. Can we get to our problems this episode? Yes. Some Self Park parodied him. Oh, I don't know. The whole teacher episode, the stand and deliver?

Oh, yeah, stand and deliver. We've got to teach these kids. He's teaching all the kids calculus. Oh, that's the guy. That guy's Edward James Almos. Well, thank you, Edward, for calling in to congratulate us for our millionth download. So, here's my first problem. And I wish we'd recorded this a couple days ago, because I was ready to strangle someone

when this happened to me. Okay. I was walking down Hollywood Blanky. Yeah. And I got a text from my friend. She's a, she's like a commercial actress. Okay. And she'd been very excited that day because she got cast on a commercial last minute. And the call sheet for the commercial said explicitly, like the thing they send you the morning of the commercial to tell you where you're supposed to go and what you're going to be doing, said explicitly no photography, no social media, no photography. Okay. And as she explained to me, because I don't do commercials,

you know, I don't know what's going on. She said, that's a big deal because right now, that means it could be a Super Bowl commercial. Oh, so that, yeah, that is a huge big deal. Huge deal. Right. They don't tell you that kind of stuff, because they don't want you to be anything that you're not normally. Right, of course. You know?

And they don't want you to immediately go post about it. Right. Plus, it might be done, and it might be horseshit, and they'll save it for something else. Yeah. So she was really excited about this, right? She gets down there, shows up on set, whatever, waits four hours, and her scene went like this. She walked up to do it, and the guy says,

whoever's doing the scene with her, says, I don't believe this. Let's do another scene. So it was basically just, it was basically just over. Right? You don't get paid for that. And this is like, a Super Bowl commercial is like hundreds of thousands of dollars. Yeah.

Right. So she texts me this. Like she was geared up for it all day. And I'm like, oh, man, right? I have got, I got to say something to cheer this girl up. Yeah. As I'm walking down the street texting. Right.

And I usually, I'm usually pretty good about kind of paying half attention to my phone and half attention to what's going on around me. I mean, that's the theory, Dick. I don't believe it. I don't believe most people can do that. But go on. You're talking about multitasking. Yeah. You can't multitask.

The human mind can't multitask. See, I know that you think that. And I really wish there was some kind of test for it. There is. Well, is it like an online test or is it a real test? No, it's a real test. It's a real test. It's a real test. If you think you can multitask, I'll send you this test, I'll link to it on the website.

But you can, it's a test where you're supposed to write down two sentences at the same time. No one can do that. You're not, you can't write down... With two hands? No, no, no. So you write down, I think the task is to write down the numbers one through 20 and then make each number correspond to a letter from the sentence. So you do each task way quicker if you do it individually. Okay, that sounds like something that Rain Man or Brainiac would do. I'm talking about just walking down the street and paying attention and then texting people on my phone. All right, so what are you going on with us?

That's an acceptable level of multitasking. And I really do feel like I can concentrate mostly on the road and on the phone and then like you get to that, you get to that asymptotic line where suddenly your brain switches over under the phone and you're just kind of like walking or driving on autopilot. You know what I mean? Okay. So I'm texting her back I'm like okay oh god I got to take this seriously right I got to say something funny to cheer her up because this is a big loss for it

$100,000 of dollars Immediately as I start texting I step into the biggest pile of dog shit that I have ever seen Like full on three stooges like putting my foot into a chocolate cake Oh man And hitting I don't even think I hit the sidewalk

until I had slipped like a foot away from it. Oh, geez. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Like a fucking Hannah Barbera spinning around wildly, like that sound effect, that do-d-d-d-d-g-d-g-d-gid-d-gid-d-d-g... In the middle of the street with my phone. Oh.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I think it's a horse shit, this dog's shit. Yeah. Right? Gets on both shoes. Of course. How did it get on both shoes? What did you stomp in this thing?

Did it splash on you? Because I wasn't paying attention. Oh. I was texting. point is, now I got dog shit on both shoes. Uh-huh. That's my problem. Yes.

Dog shit. Dog shit. Wow. It sounds like your problem should be people who think they can multitask because you can't. And that's what you got out of that? Yeah. That's what I got out of it, Dick. You can't multitask.

And if you weren't texting like a dickhead walking around the streets of L.A. or New York or wherever, everybody's doing this now. Everybody's phone. Everybody's face is constantly down on their phone. They're not paying attention. They're being obnoxious. They're rude. jumping into people. When I see people walking towards me and texting, I don't move out of the way anymore.

I'm going to let them run into me and I'm going to say, excuse you, teaching people lessons. You're like Jesus, but a total asshole. But that's, I really think that's not the problem because I'm aware of that. I don't like it. And I feel, I really feel in my brain that it crosses a line. Like, I can pay attention to the street and I kind of send like offhand text and they're all misspelled and horrible. But I can look at the street and do the thing with my phone in one hand. But this particular instance, I'm trying to cheer up my friend, and I'm like, all right, I got to put 51% of my concentration into this text, immediately step in dog shit. Yeah.

Yeah, Dick. Sounds like there's a smelly shoe that proves you can't. Two smelly shoes, that's right. Yeah. Are you wearing them, by the way? What's that smell? Did you bring them into the studio? These are the shoes I was wearing, but I cleaned them off.

I cleaned them off. I washed them and I cleaned them off. Yeah, it looks like you scrubbed. Those shoes have like no tread to them. You scrub them so hard. Dude, I had to use, the worst part, I had to use my toothbrush to clean them off. Like, even though I wasn't using it again,

it was still gross because it had once been my toothbrush because I didn't have an extra one. Yeah, of course. It's disgusting. Yeah. So now you don't have, now you're out of toothbrush. And you know what, Dick, you know what the problem is? The real problem here is phones without keyboards.

If you don't have tactile response, you can't type and I can type and look up and concentrate on whatever I want and still be typing in my pocket. I can be typing without having to take my eyes off of what I'm doing or where I'm walking. I don't step in potholes. I don't step in dog shit. I don't step in horse shit.

I don't step on anything except for pure sidewalk, baby, 100% of the time. Maddox, stop trying to hijack my problem. My problem is curb your fucking dog. Oh, is that what it is? Curb your goddamn dog. Okay. Who are you leaving dog shit, especially dog shit that's the size of a dog...

chocolate cake in the middle of the street. Yeah. Well, I think that's pretty hilarious. Would you do... Well, so I took a straw pole, right? Because I was incensed by this. I'm like, who would do this? What is the kind of person who would do this? Yeah. So I started asking people who either have watched dogs or have dogs,

don't you always pick up your dog shit? And I even phrased it like that because I wanted to let them know, look, I'm going to judge the shit out of you if you give me the wrong answer on this. Dude, an astronomical percentage of them said, eh, I kind of just, like, no, not all the time. Yep. Not if it's inconvenient. Okay, Dick, I have three types of people I know for a fact don't pick up dog shit.

And this happens pretty consistently unless you catch them in the act. The first people, the first type of people is old people. They're always leaving their dog shit behind. And you know why? Because their knees hurt. They don't want to bend over. Okay. Hey, if your knees hurt, don't fucking own a dog.

If you can't take care of it properly, don't own a dog, dighead. I just want to warn you with the old people thing. Last time you went on this old people shit, Penn and Teller lit you up pretty good, so you might want to be careful. Oh, yeah, Penn and Teller. Let me tell you about those guys. Let me tell you about selective editing, my friend. They're old guys.

Pen and Teller, yeah. Of course they're going to fucking hammer you on that show. No, they're going to try to hammer me. It was entirely cherry-picking fallacy. That's another episode. Can I address it now? Because there is something I thought about that episode. Was that too much of a digression?

The Pennanteller episode? Like, for people who don't know, you were on an episode of Pennantellar's bullshit. Yeah, we'd have to do a whole thing about it. I'm going to bring it at some point. All right, all right. I don't want to digress. Okay, the second group of people, Dick, is kids. Children, old people, and young people.

Kids don't give a fuck. Kids don't understand. Kids have never had to scrape dog shit out of their shoes because their parents do it. They're irresponsible idiots. They stop in that stuff. They think it's fun. We're stepping in dog shit. And then they come home and poor mom and dad has to scrub it.

I was right with you until they think it's fun to step in dog shit. Oh, kids love it, man. Kids love smelling like dog shit. They love it. They roll around in it. They love it. You go to the playground? I guarantee all over the playground is just hidden dog shit everywhere.

Everyone just, like, buries it. They hide it. You went to school with some weird kids. Yeah. You're looking at the weirdest one right now. And I'll tell you, the third group of people who don't pick up dog shit, rich people. Oh, fuck you. No, they don't.

They fucking don't. I have a name. who's richest shit, and he leaves his dog shit everywhere, especially on his own lawn. And he thinks, oh, what's a big deal? What's a problem? It's on my own lawn. Yeah, but guess what, dickhead? Flies don't stay on your lawn. The smell doesn't stay on your lawn. Pests that it attracts, don't stay on your lawn. I got fucking cockroaches and shit crawling around the neighborhood and crickets and whatever else eats dog shit. Probably spiders. They're so fucking stupid. Well, too, I don't want to stop your eat the rich parade, but I actually did bring in,

I found some fucking stats on this. 60% of people pick up their dog shit. And this was done in multiple towns, like multiple towns with no similarities as far as I could tell. 40% of people just don't pick it up, which was about what I found in my straw poll that had nothing to do with income, that had nothing to do with upbringing.

They were just like, I just think it kind of just goes away. Like it kind of just takes care of itself. I don't know what they think happens. You know how it takes care of itself? assholes who are texting step in it and smear it around as the same color as a concrete. Man, Dick, this sounds like you got your just deserves. Like, this is exactly what you had coming to you.

They're terrible people getting terrible things. Why did I deserve this? I'm trying to do something nice for my friend by cheering her up with a text, with the hilarious text, which, by the way, I did. Because there's nothing funnier than, hey, I was trying to think of a funny text, and I just stepped in a fucking half pound of dog shit. Hey, that's the universe helping you out, buddy.

What are you complaining about? That sounds great, actually. Why did I deserve this? Because, Dick, if you just pulled aside for a second and just stood in place and stood up against a wall so people can pass you so you're not walking. People who text and walk walk slower. People who text and drive drive slower. They can't pay attention to both. They do both poorly.

Just fuck off for a second. Send your text and then continue on. What's your time so fucking valuable? You can't spare a few seconds to send a text and then keep walking. That's what you get, dude. Shit on your shoes. 10 million tons of dog shit every year. That's how much dog shit is out there.

10 million tons. 10 million tons. 20 to 30% of the bacteria in watersheds and urban watersheds come from dog shit. Fuck dogs. Hey, I brought in dogs as a problem. You don't you idiots go vote it up. Because dogs is too much, man. It's not the dog's problem.

The dogs's got a shit. Somebody's got to pick it up. Great. Why aren't dogs like cats? Why don't they bury their own shit? Why don't they learn something? The dogs are so fucking smart. Why don't they learn that every fucking human hates their dog shit?

Just get rid of the dog shit. Man, can you train dogs to shit in a toilet? I mean, probably. Have you ever seen that? I guarantee there's a YouTube video. Some dickhead trying to get a million hits. It's all these guys training their dogs to get them beers. Yeah.

Which is always stupid. Stupid. Because it's like you had to do more work to set up the Rube Goldberg machine for that dog to be able to fetch your beer. What an asshole. You're not saving any time. Yeah. And also, just get the fucking beer yourself, you dick. You know what?

My buddy does. He has, every time he comes over, he brings a cooler and fills it up with beer and puts it next to the couch. Yeah. Because he can't be bothered to go get up and get another beer. Well, there you go. That's lazy ingenuity. Hey, Dick, I have an anecdote specifically about where you live in Hollywood. I've seen, I've seen on the block.

There used to be a block in Hollywood where I would walk. There was just a landmine of shit. Yeah. Shit everywhere. Yeah. And there were convenient, free doggy bags. Yeah. With disposable.

disposable containers that nobody would use. It's free, and they don't even just pick it up, and then... You know what? Here's the thing, Dick. I like dogs. I do.

I do like dogs, but I hate dog shit more than I like dogs. That's why I don't own one. I never want to feel the warm, moist, mushy texture of dog shit through anything. Let alone my bare hands,

I don't want to feel it through nylon. I don't want to feel it through a doggie bag. I never want to carry shit. My own aura dogs. I don't want to feel it on the bottom of my shoes. Yeah. Because now I feel like phantom dog shit on these shoes all the time now. I know.

I agree with you. That's the same reason I don't have a dog. Because I don't want to pick up its poop. I don't want to pick up its poop. I don't want to pick up any animal's poop, including a baby. That's why I don't have dogs or babies. Yeah. The fine for not picking up dog shit is $250.

That's it. This is like New York. All big cities is $250. Yeah. How is it that small? How is that possible? Doesn't hurt the rich. That's another poor people

There you go So let's what should we make it 1% of what you make in a year That's the fine That's a fucking fine So if you make 60, if you make 50 grand a year Congratulations That dog shit just cost you $500

Yeah That's great, that's a great solution to that problem Thanks Yeah I should bring it in on the bonus episode Which is our sponsor This episode Go to the biggest problem

The Universe.com Click on bonus episode Check that out All right, Dick. I got a real problem this week. Oh, he's so fucking smug. Here, I got something else for you before you do that. Let me see.

Hello, Dick and Maddox. I'm calling to confess. I'm the conductor from the polar express. Congrats, fellas. You've touched a million hearts. I've touched a million kids. We're both the best. Oh, I'm late.

Gonna take off on my magic train. Merry Christmas. and don't forget, I'm a digital cyber demon. Is that boisterous coconuts again? Once again, celebrities. Yeah. The conductor is celebrities. Assignment, what's the first thing that comes to your mind?

The conductor of the Polar Express. Celebrities off the top of my head. Gumby, Chester, the Cheetah, the Cheetah, the Cheetos mascot. The stay puffed marshmallow man. Yeah, classic celebrity collins. Classical celebrities. Great. Thanks guys. Killed it. Boisterous.

Oh, right. Dick, I got a real problem this week. Go ahead. Diamonds. Oh. Okay? Diamonds are a real fucking problem. And I think it's about time people woke up and realized what a sham they are. Yeah, I agree with you.

Yeah. So here's just in a nutshell, here's the problem with diamonds. First of all, they can't store value. Everybody thinks they can, but they can't because they don't appreciate. Diamonds don't become more valuable. You can't hedge diamonds against inflation. You can't use them to hedge against inflation. Diamonds are always depreciating asset.

They're not an investment. They're an always depreciating asset, always. Sure. So there's this website. It's a blog called Pricenomics.com, and they have this awesome post called Diamonds Are Bullshit. So this may be biased. I don't know.

But it says here, the market for gold is fairly liquid and gold is fungible. You know what that means? So what that means is you can trade one large piece of gold for 10 small pieces of gold. Or it's like a $10 bill. Yeah. If you take a $10 bill, you can exchange it for $10, $1 bills, right? Right.

You can't take a large diamond and exchange it for 10 small diamonds. No. There's no one-to-one ratio. There's no set value for diamonds. Diamonds are bullshit. Yeah. Yeah. So those are the very base characteristics that make it feasible for investment.

Diamonds don't have that. So stop spending money on them. Diamonds are not investment in any scenario. and in any circumstance. The market for them is neither liquid nor are they fungible. So why are people still buying them and thinking that they're storing money in this as an investment? Well, I love this. I find the story of diamonds fascinating because it's 100% marketing hype.

It is. Like from the, before the, I think it's the 20s of the 30s, they were not associated with weddings in any way. They weren't associated with, like, class or love or anything like that. So I happen to find them fascinating. But yeah, there's no investment value to them primarily because there's no used market for them. No. Nobody sells used diamonds.

No. They're only purchased new. It's because they've eliminated the used market for diamonds. There is none. Absolutely. There's a story here from in 1978. So there's this article. This is an awesome article.

It's huge. It's a really long piece. It's so well written. It's from the Atlantic and it's called, have you ever tried to sell a diamond? It's a very simple question. But most people, people who have been. married and engaged and tried to resell their wedding rings or their engagement rings are in for a shock because nobody wants to buy it. There's a lady in 1978, a wealthy woman in New York who

decided to sell a black diamond, excuse me, she decided to sell back a diamond ring that she had bought from Tiffany two years earlier for $100,000. To whom? Tiffany? Yeah, she bought it from Tiffany. She tried to sell it back to the store? To sell it back to the store. So she bought it from Tiffany and wanted to sell it back to the store. It's $100,000. She's a big client, right? Yeah. So she wanted to use the proceeds to buy a necklace. She thought she'd make some profit on this diamond. Surely it's appreciated. So she walked in.

She'd read about some diamond boom in the news magazines, and she'd hoped that she might make a profit and then went to Tiffany. They explained to her that they have a strict policy against repurchasing diamonds. The sales executive assured her that the diamond was extremely valuable, however, and suggested another store. So the woman went down Fifth Avenue from store to store, trying to sell her diamond. One store offered her to swap it for another jewel,

and two other jewelers offered to accept the diamond on consignment only. That means they would hold it for you and then give you a percentage of the sales if they were able to sell it, and then pay her a percentage, of course. But none of the half-dozen jewelers she visited would buy the diamond.

She eventually gave up. Yeah. A hundred thousand dollar diamond. Shouldn't that be worth something? Shouldn't it be worth something? I don't know. Now you're talking. talking about people who have no sense buying a bunch of luxury goods. You know, that,

I don't have as much of a problem with that, unless you're building the case for like, yeah, they're worthless. They're absolutely worthless. They're absolutely worthless. So in 1870, so this is the story of diamonds. It's really fascinating. In 1870, there was this huge diamond mine discovered in South Africa, and so suddenly the market became flooded with diamonds. And diamonds were basically worthless. And the people who discovered these mines were some British investors, right? So they merged to create a monopoly so they could control the production and give the illusion of scarcity. Right. So they control all the diamond mines in South Africa that were just flooding the market with diamonds and then they just stopped the supply. The name of the

consolidated group is called De Beers. Have you heard of De Beers? Yeah, yeah. Diamonds are forever. Those guys, right? Founded in 1888. That's a long fucking time ago. In London, it's also called the diamond trading company. In Israel, it's called the Syndicate. Oh, geez. Yeah, how fucking ominous is that? In Europe, it's called a central selling organization. In South Africa, it's called the Diamond Development Corporation. So they own these diamond manufacturing and trading companies in England, Portugal, Belgium,

Holland, Switzerland. They have a monopoly on the world. Right. Right. And so, Dick, you kind of mentioned this earlier, that diamonds were basically worthless up until around the 1930s and early 40s, right? So what De Beers... Well, yeah, until De Beers...

hired to, yeah, I've read this article too until they've hired that the marketing guy to come in and convince young couples that a diamond is something they need to do to affirm their love. Exactly, that's exactly what happened. So they came up with this marketing

slogan called Diamonds Are Forever. And what's so insidious about this marketing slogan is that diamonds aren't forever in the sense that they're indestructible because they're totally destructible. Diamonds can be chipped guys. Diamonds lose color. They can be chipped and they be incinerated. These are things that happen

to diamonds all the time. Ask anyone who's had a giant jewel. Well, I don't know people who don't have giant jewels. Maybe my neighbors. Okay. Family jewels. Yeah, you're about to get a foot in them. Fast down from generation to generation, man. Gross, dude. So

in 1930s. I've been marketing these bad boys for years. Yeah, and they're still on the shelf. You can't resell them. You can't sell them at the first time. Still worthless. I got a this old lady, this sucker, see if I can convince her to pick these babies up for 100 grand. Yeah, those diamonds will stay in your pants forever. So, Julius, please.

So this guy, Harry Oppenheimer. Have you heard of the Oppenheimer? Oppenheimer, yeah. Yeah, Oppenheimer, right? Built a bomb. He's the son, no, not that guy. American hero. No, his parents were rich.

It might be that family. It may be related, actually. But yeah, Harry Oppenheimer, the son of the founder of De Beers, met with an advertising agency called N-W-Aer. So these are the guys who came up with this advertising. So they, with the advertising, or, excuse me, these are the guys who came up with the advertising slogan. The diamonds are forever, right?

They were concerned about the falling prices of diamonds, so they gave diamonds to celebrities in movies to give as a symbol of love. Sure. And it worked brilliantly because back then this was before any kind of, this was just when motion pictures were becoming big, right? This was before cynicism. Yeah. This was a day where people just kind of believed everything.

Sure. Right? Yeah. And they tried to, they convinced. people that the larger the diamond, the greater the love. Sure. Right? They also planted stories in magazines and newspapers, as well as radio programs, to create a link

between diamonds and romance. They flooded the market. By 1941, just three years later, they increased diamond sales by 55%. Yeah, look, if I can interject, they did it and it worked, but you got to admit, if they had tried that campaign with anything that wasn't a diamond I don't think it would have worked like there's something about diamonds where that

shit worked I'm not a defender of diamonds I'm just saying they picked the perfect campaign for that particular stone well it could have been why I mean why diamonds they could have done it with gold gold gold companies are doing that right now with gold they're doing it just watch CNN

there's always that stupid gold commercial cash for gold no not cash for gold you dickhead there's the other one the gold the gold traders, where there's that lady who comes on real smug, kind of British accent. She says, there's nothing more valuable than gold. You know who I'm talking about? No. Yeah, there's some dick hit on CNN who is, they're CNN advertisers.

But gold just wouldn't have worked. Like, they couldn't have suckered. Like, I don't think you could have sucker a little girl into looking at gold and a diamond and saying which one, this one is love and so is this one. I think they're going to reject the hypothesis that gold stands for love. Well, one of the biggest... Because it's a lumpy rock. No, but they use it as a gold ring.

I mean, that's another thing that they've actually done that with gold. They make gold jewelry, and then jewelry has that intrinsic value of actually being jewelry, which is no value. All right, I'll give you that one. So in 1947 Ayer, the advertising agency took a mass psychology approach to suggest that making diamonds... Excuse me. In 1947 Ayer took a mass psychology approach to suggest making diamonds a psychological necessity by lecturing high schools across the country. Yeah. Can you believe this shit?

They went to high schools all across the country and had lectures in assemblies preaching to little girls, indoctrinating them with this bullshit that diamonds are valuable, and that's how they get love. Can you imagine what a great time that would be to be alive? You could just go from high school to high school and sell hair tonic. You can sell your hot sauce, like it grows chest there. Say whatever you want. Say and do whatever you want. Nobody cared.

No internet to bust you. Yeah. And then these were just the... administrators of these schools letting these people in to just market diamonds to students, high school students. Yeah? That's insane. Well, they still do that.

Have you ever been part of a magazine drive? Oh, yeah. You remember that shit? Or you're just like using kids to sell your horse shit magazines? Yeah. So there, that training, that psychological training is very much still alive. If I can tell a story about this.

Yeah. The cooler guy, the guy who fills a cooler up with beers over my place and brings him over the couch. Smart. Smart guy, right? He is a smart guy. He's a very intelligent guy. Right.

He was getting married. Right. And he's marrying a woman, also very intelligent. She's a nurse practitioner. And they're a very logical couple, which I find infuriating. I don't like logic in a partner. I don't like logic in friends. But they do.

You don't like thinkers. Because it intimidates. I don't, no, no. I don't like any, no. It bores me to death. So they had this conversation when he, he proposed about diamonds. Right.

And the consensus of it was, she said, look, I just can't explain it. I know it's horseshit. I know it's like killing people. Right. But I just want a diamond. Like, I just want a diamond ring. Dick, that sounds exactly like something you would say. I know X, Y, and Z is true, but I just want it.

Yeah, that's called being a human, you fucking robot. Of course it's something I would say. So what's my friend say? Of course. He's like, look, he tells me this and I'm like, here's what you do? do. You get a fake one and just tell her it's real. Because it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Yeah. Right. She says it doesn't matter. She just needs that psychological thing. Right. Give her a placebo. Right. Great me plan. Right. So he goes, actually, she kind of hinted at that.

Oh. That if I were to do that, it wouldn't be the end of the world. Oh. But he just, he couldn't do it. Very gracious of her. Indeed. To allow him to spend a little bit less on this bullshit imaginary, made-up item. This is the language that people speak. Okay? We have to hint at things. You can't come outright and say it. Okay. You say, if this were to happen, she managed to slide this message secretly to him

with cues and whatever and hints and subconscious clues. And he picked up on it. Okay. And I was like, mission accomplished then. And his response was, I just can't do it. Like, I can't lie to her. So not only was she infected by the brainwashing, so was he, because he felt that still somehow he was robbing her of something.

That's such a big failure. No, so we went down to this diamond store in Tustin, right? That shitty one that's always in the radio that you wonder like who the fuck would buy their wedding diamond from this store? I don't know, what's the ad? The Diamond Mart, the Tustin Diamond Exchange. Never heard of it. No, it's right off the freeway. I don't know.

Like you can throw a diamond onto the freeway. Dick, we have listeners in Sweden right now who have no fucking idea, including me what you're talking about. It's off the road. It's off the hot. They know freeways, right? Okay, living next to a freeway is not a luxurious place to be. Oh, so you're saying it's a diamond store off the freeway, so it's not a fancy diamond store. Yes, you can throw a dime, you can throw trash either from the freeway into the diamond store or throw handfuls of diamonds onto the freeway. Okay, fair enough. Okay? The last thing you want to hear when you're buying a wedding engagement ring is the roar of semis rushing past the door, not romantic. Anyway, we go down there. the guy drops a thousand bucks which was like a reasonable which happened to be the reasonable price of a stone I mean you looked at the $5,000 one

couldn't tell a difference right you looked at the $900 one it looked like someone froze a drop of piss okay so they're always like yellow they have a yellow hue too they're awful yeah so he picked a thousand dollar one and that was that okay that was that was that's the last thing effect of this brainwashing that's on you've got an entire couple

an entire couple whoa yeah both sides I'm saying both It wasn't even an argument. It was she let him off the hook, but he couldn't let himself off the hook. That's such bullshit, man. Hey, you can't, what are you going to do? You're going to drop a thousand bucks? You're going to live with that for the rest of your life? I don't know.

I'm doing the couple a favor. I'm doing the relationship a favor by lying to my girlfriend or wife. Hey, here's your diamond idiot. I spent a lot of money on it. And then just actually spend the money on things that you need. Like what? Like video games? Yeah, maybe.

Or a nice spaghetti dinner. I don't know. too, right? Like, she gets to look at this stupid ring. It's like, it benefits her to look at it. No, it doesn't benefit her at all. It does. She feels good looking at it. No, she doesn't. No, you know what that is? That's an albatross, man. That's just sitting on your finger. How, what is an albatross to you? I get into that. No. What is the albatross? No. Shut up. Dick, I, you know, so diamonds are worthless, right? Yeah. They're worthless. They're not fungible. They're not an investment.

No. But worse than that, they're killing people. Okay. So you've heard of the expression, Blood Diamond. Yeah. This is what it means. There's this documentary on YouTube. It's called Blood Diamond, the True Story.

It's actually really good. I have this clip from it. Listen to this. From 1991 to 2001, a brutal war raged between the government and a rebel group called the RUF. The Revolution Reunited Front. A war funded in part by diamonds. They said they were fond of. fighting for democracy, but they fought against civilians.

Yeah. And they use diamonds to fuel the whole thing. They use diamonds to get the guns to fight the war. So these pricks who are sitting around buying diamonds for their wives because they're afraid to log, to give them a placebo, to give them the gift of a placebo. Yeah. Instead of that, these people are, these poor people in Somalia. Wait, where was it?

Somali, yeah. These Somali fighters are being killed. People are getting scarred. Children are dying. and they're paid less than 100 pounds a year as their salary to get these diamonds and there's an ongoing war that's been going on for years and years and here we are

a bunch of fat cats sitting here with a bunch of rocks on our fingers because we like shiny things. Fuck off. You know what? It sounds like, I don't know if you agree with this, but it sounds to me like diamonds are dog shit. So a vote for dog shit. Fuck you, Dick.

No, you're not going to steal it that way. Hey, Dick, real quick, before we move on, to the next problem. Yeah. People loved when I had Dick versus Dick as a segment. So I brought in another Dick versus Dick this time. Yeah, you want to hear this? Yeah.

Dick versus Dick. I love it so much. Okay, here we go. So, Dick, this was from an early episode. Let's see if you remember this. Look, I'm just sick of getting called a pussy in the comments for not swearing enough. There's too much swearing. No, not going to do it.

Oh, not going to do it. Too much swearing, huh, Dick? I'll try not to. Oh, really? Yeah. Well, this is from the last episode alone. This was in, within like a five minutes span. From episode number 25, just a five minutes span. Listen to this. That's horse shit. There's no fucking way. Dog shit. When am I gonna fucking learn? It's just some shithead. Shit. Big fucking white asshole. Asshole wizard. You're fucking up traffic. Fuck you, man. Fuck you. A asshole wizard? Yeah. That was what I called him a big asshole wizard. All right. Do you remember what he called...

What is this? Piling on? What? When he called Neil deGrasse Tyson, an effing jerk? Yeah, he's really an effing jerk. I wasn't that pissed off when I was saying that thing. I got to respect that guy. He's a physicist.

Yeah. Another classic Dick versus Dick. Here I got some more celebrities who called in. Great, let's hear it. This is Emperor Palpatine. Wishing you a happy million download. Classic celebrity. I'm also calling to ask if you want to join my new podcast network.

Fear Wolves. With your talent and audience and my ability to push the upload button, we will rule the galaxy. It's pretty good. Your podcast. Is that boisterous again? Yeah, that's boisterous. Poison.

There's a real one. Maddox. Dick Masterson, this is Morgan Freeman. Yeah, my thing. I like to congratulate you. He's not dead, is he? No. On over one million downloads.

It kind of falls apart there. He's also not white. Or British. Assholes and lazy pieces of shit. All right. Thank you, Morgan Freeman. Great. Thank you, Morgan Freeman.

Thanks for Gallaudet. Wow, what a beautiful. Morgan Freeman, one of the most distinctive voices. Not even close. Might as well have been Schwarzenegger. And who, who, who, tells him that that's good enough to, like, do. I did.

Oh, my God. Okay. Here's my next problem. Remember how I got all that dog shit all over my shoes? Yeah. Okay. So I'm right outside of my apartment. Okay.

I walk over to my apartment. Pissed about the dog shit all over my shoes. Right. Thinking I'm just going to wipe it on some grass, right? Okay. Because there's nothing better for getting dog shit off your shoes than grass. Not true, but go on. What is better than getting...

What is better at getting dogs shit off the shoes? One of those, like, bristly metal brushes. Look, I logically, I think that's true, but when you put it to the test, grass just always works somehow. I mean, it's there. I'll use it. Yeah, I'll use grass over most things. Yeah, and to get a bristly brush, I got to go up in my apartment anyway.

I guess, or you could go to the convenience store. Anyway, go on. Your plan's falling apart. Guess what I have in front of my apartment complex. Fake grass! Fake synthetic turf grass. Do you know what that is? Have you...

Well, that's unfortunate. Yeah, it's real fucking unfortunate. So now I'm sitting there with shit all over my shoes, wondering if I should just smear it around on what's basically plastic carpet. Cares. Who cares? It'll be there forever. It'll look like someone shit themselves and then wiped their asshole in front of my apartment building. This is the dilemma I'm in now.

Yeah, fake grass. Fake grass. And it's all over the place now. So I can either walk through the fake grass and get to the real grass out. side and wipe all this dog shit off my shoes. Right. Or, or I can walk through the parking lot and have little dog shit tracks through the entire parking lot that's way longer than just walking straight to the backyard.

Or, or, what? Not text and walk. That's option three. Or option four. Okay. Walk through the apartment building because it's closer than the parking lot and it will be cleaned. Okay.

The apartment building is going to get cleaned. I know that. Some peasant will come through cleaning. Somebody who has a job to clean the apartment complex. I'm creating jobs. The grass, the grass outside, the fake grass is never going to get cleaned. Do you ever, do you see, you have fake grass in your neighborhood. Do you see anybody out there with a mop every week cleaning that plastic shit up?

No, they should, or a vacuum cleaner or something. How do you, how the fuck do you clean that shit? It doesn't. Because no organisms live in it. Animals aren't going to live in this. Insects aren't going to live in this. The dog shit isn't going to like break down. and decompose in there because there's no bacteria

living on this weird foreign astro fucking turf that's made in fucking nasty laboratories and now it's all over our fucking lawns. And it never looks real either. Of course it doesn't look real. Throw some yellow in there. It's the fake tits of landscaping. It is the fake tits of landscaping.

So I walk through my lobby. Guess who fucking comes right out of the manager's office when I'm doing this? Emperor Palpatine. Yeah. A celebrity that everyone knows. And the manager goes, the manager who I have had problems with the past.

Yeah. I was putting out, right when I moved in, the first fucking weekend when I moved in, I unpacked like half of my shit and I took my boxes down, you know, my cardboard moving boxes,

thinking I was being a great guy, I'll just put these out on the, I'll just put these out on the street. Okay. Because people always need moving boxes. Sure. And they're a rip-off. Okay.

So here's me, again, trying to be a good guy. Dick, but if you leave a big pile of shit on the street, people will think it just has bedbugs in it. Maddox, this was before bedbugs. Okay. First of all.

All right. Secondly, this is Hollywood. Nobody gives a shit. Okay. Fair enough. There's shit line up and down the street. It looks like a Mad Max movie. Go on Philanthropist.

Yeah, so I'm being a nice guy. I put the boxes down. Same apartment manager comes up, hey, what are you doing? Those go in the recycling bin. Yeah. I'm like, uh, they're brand new boxes. I am recycling them. Yeah.

Someone's going to come here and pick them up and use them as is. This is as recycling as it gets. Okay. So same woman comes out. What's that smell? Well, here's my plan, and I explain it to her. Whatever. Point is, this fake grass, these fake lawns, they look ugly.

They're going to look uglier because they're going to get gross shit all over them. Yeah. And I hate them. Okay. That's the problem. That third point is the biggest point, I think, that you have in your favor is that you hate them. What about vomit? What other stuff that...

I hate vomit less than fake grass. But vomit is also a thing that you're going to eventually find on this grass. It's going to be vomit, dog shit, baby diapers. What else? What else do people throw out? Diamonds because they're worthless. It's going to be littered with diamonds everywhere. So in 2012, there's over 35 million square feet of synthetic grass

for landscaping and recreational use, and it's growing at 10 to 15% every year. Okay. Well, Dick, What about people who would say that, well, all this fake grass is saving a shit ton of water? I fucking hate them already. You know what I think about them. Yeah, I can't even argue that point.

But if you wash it, yeah. I brought in some problems with fake grass. You want to hear them? Yeah, yeah, let's hear. And I think this is off one of their websites or some, I don't know where it's off. I'll post the link later. After heavy foot traffic or after furniture has sat on the lawn for a long time, an artificial lawn may flatten and require fluffing with a rake.

Fluffing, huh? Sounds like someone's going to be on their hands and knees Blown this thing. Yeah, they sure will be. Yeah. Fluffing with a rake? I'm not going to fucking rake. That's the whole point of having a fake lawn.

You don't have to fucking rake it. Yep. The whole point. Yeah. You may have to pull up weeds. Yeah, that's true, actually. I walk by this fake-ass lawn in my neighborhood. Every time I walk by it, I kind of chuckle because it's fake grass but real weeds.

There's just weeds growing all around it. Yeah. That's the only thing that fucking lives in this thing. In direct summer sun, synthetic grass becomes much hotter than natural turf and can smell like hot rubber. Yeah. Great. Yeah, it does.

And it feels really gross, too. It feels like almost latex-y. It does. Let me see, there's one thing. Oh, yeah. On a hot summer afternoon, children and pets cannot play or walk barefoot on an artificial lawn surface. So basically nothing alive can be on it in the summer. Awesome.

Awesome replacement. instead of just dirt. You know where the only two places in the world, in the world that I can think that this would make sense is Las Vegas and Dubai. Because both are shithole deserts where nothing can grow, nothing real can grow, so everything has to be artificial, everything.

So might as well put that shit out there, have it melt, have it do whatever the fuck, because who cares, it's the fucking desert, and it doesn't belong out there anyway. Harmful substances such as zinc, nonol phenol, may leech, may leach from the recycled rubber granules and pollute water, according to the Washington Toxics Coalition.

Hey, are you talking about fake grass or fireball whiskey? I'm getting thirsty here. Yeah. It's too hot to walk on. It's ugly as shit. And what happens to all the piss and the shit that gets on it? Yeah. Just answer me that.

It stays there forever. Because what's underneath it? It's like some weird foam cushioning thing, right? It's ground up tires. Is that really weird? Round up tires from a dump yard. Oh, that's got to be great for the environment. Yeah.

That's a positive, according to the synthetic grass people, that they can recycle tires. Great. Great. Why don't we just burn them? That's what we do anyway, right? We just burn tires. I think we burn everything. Everything I know about trash comes from the Simpsons theme song, though.

So that might not be true. Oh, that's true. The opening shot of it is just like big teetering piles of tires, isn't it? Yeah. Here's regarding pee and poop from the synthetic grass people website. Yeah. What about some, this is on their FAQ. Those are always delightful, right?

Of course. Because they're always such softball, horse shit problems. And let's not forget what the F stands for. Frequently. Right, right, right. Ask questions. Let's hear what they say about pee and poop. What about pets?

What happens to dog urine and waste? Dogs love our grass. They think it's real. Oh, all the dogs we interviewed said this. Yeah, this is with a straight face. They think that a bunch of plastic shit on the floor is real. You know, the things that have like super, super, human smelling, like animal instincts,

they think that a bunch of ground-up rubber tires and plastic barbs sticking out of the ground is real. Because they're so stupid. Not to mention that they eat grass. Oh, yeah, yeah. Do they eat this stuff? I guess so. They think it's real. Yeah, but they also eat their own poop. I'm going to say this is a toss-up.

Dog urine is not a problem. I love when people start with it's not a problem because it means it's definitely an enormous problem. Yeah. Dog urine is not a problem as it flushes through the turf's drainage holes. Ew. And drainage system when hosed off or when it rains.

So all the water savings that you would save in not watering your lawn, now you have to get out there with a hose and hose off dog piss, shit, urine, vomit, and anything else. Anything. Yeah. And dead things. Bacardi Limon. Solid waste is cleaned in the same manner as natural grass. No, it's not.

It's just not. No. It's not. Because solid waste decomposes and there's all sorts of bugs and little insects and annoying little ticks and bugs and bullshit that eats that. Yeah, there's a rat. It's called an ecosystem. There you go. You don't replace it with fucking plastic.

This synthetic grass will not stain. I don't even know how someone could say that with a straight face. Something won't stain. Yeah, won't stain. Everything stains, idiots. There you go. That's my second problem. And I found both of these problems. Every week, like, I'm worried about the end game point where there will be no more problems to discuss on this show. Yeah.

And yet, I generated those two problems in the course of about three minutes. Yeah. The keyword there is generated, Dick. I agree. No, there's so many problems. It's the biggest problem in the universe, Dick. We've got to bring everything in. And speaking of... Wait a minute, wait a minute, I got another celebrity voice. This one's actually a celebrity. Great. I called to say Is this

Manich Congratulations on 1 million downloads Any guess who this is? Oh boy Oscar the Grouch I don't know Brian Doyle Murray

Bill Murray's older brother I called to say that if all the workless pieces of shit I've ever encountered in my long career you are far and away one of them

okay I didn't know he worked with that guy Bill Murray's brother yeah big celebrity who I know Brian O'Doyle

what Brian Doyle Brian Doyle Murray? Yeah. Oh yeah, I never heard of the guy. Great, thanks. You know what? Dick.

This was the assignment. Simple assignment, right? Celebrity. Celebrity. Off the top of your head, name three celebrities. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Great celebrity. Prince.

Funny voice. Prince, also funny voice. Michael Jackson. Paul Rubin. Hilarious voices all around. Yeah. Simple, easy to execute voices. We get Bill Murray's fucking brother and Emperor Palpatine.

Not a celebrity, probably not even in the Star Wars universe. One is a fake person. Yeah. And not a human. Also, I think. I don't know how that canon goes, but... Okay, go ahead. So, Dick, speaking of real problems, Shays' sofas. You know what this is?

Shays Lounge Sofas? You know what a Shays Lounge is? Yeah, it's something for looking awesome. No, it's not anything for looking awesome. And relaxing. No, you big pussy. where they came from. By the way, it's spelled C-H-A-I-S-E. A lot of people pronounce them Chase Loungees or Chase Sofas.

We call those people the proletariat. So, Shea's Loungees, also known as a long chair or a fainting couch. Have you heard of this? Yeah, oh yeah. Yeah, yeah. He's speaking my language. Yeah. So... Okay, great, Dick.

So these were popular in the 19th century. There's two theories on how these were developed. The first one, speaking of you looking awesome, right? One theory is that for the predominance of fainting couches is that women were actually fainting because their corsets were too tight. Oh, man, what a great time. Yeah. Is that why you use them, Dick? Because your corsets too tight? You faint? No, I think they were also invented because a guy was laying on the couch and he said, man, I'm so sick of putting my feet up on this stupid armrest.

So he just kicked it off. And that was how it was invented. No, that's not how it was invented, Dick. I think I've invented a couple of chaise lounges like that Yeah, I don't think so I think it's more likely the following theory And this is probably what happened to you The second most common theory

This is according to Wikipedia The second most common theory For the predominance of fainting couches Is home treatment for the female hysteria Through manual pelvic massage By home visiting doctors and midwives Yeah, man So it's a finger bang couch

Is that what you're saying? That's what you're saying Pelvic massage to prevent hysteria First of all, it's impossible to not look fat sitting on one of these. Wait a minute. This changed gears really quickly. Yeah, I'm talking about finger-bang, and you're talking about looking fat. Yeah.

Everyone who, first of all, if you're laying down on one of these things, what, do you want to get, you want to finger-bang someone laying down in this scene? I want a finger-bang anywhere all the time. Roll a coaster, car, a chaise lounge, a dog house, wherever. Is that why your fingers smell like Vienna sausages? How do you lay on a chaise lounge? I don't. I don't. I don't.

I fucking don't. No man lays on a chaise-oge's sausage. Lounge, you get the fuck out. What? You look at all, you look erotic on a Chay's Lounge. Yeah, they work for you. No, they don't. But you gotta go with it.

Guys don't look erotic. Bert Reynolds and his, uh, his playboy spread? Man, that pose where he's... Correct. Correct. That's erotic is erotic. That mustache? Oh my God. Thank God that mustache is there, so I don't have to look down at his junk.

Yeah. No, you do, guys don't make it past the mustache. No. We end there. We fantasize about the mustache. That's it. How are you sitting on them? I don't.

Sit on them, my dick. First, everyone looks fat on a chaise lounge. Everyone. And second, when I go to a friend's house and they have one of these fucking sofas, their L-shaped sofas, the worst fucking invention. I hate them so mad. I hate them so much, I get pissed off. When I walk into someone's apartment and it's going to be a big event like the Super Bowl

or watching movies or something and I take one look at their living room, I see one of these fucking L couches with a Shays Lounge at the end. Shays Lounge are deceptive because you see them, they're long, right? They're the length of a couch. But they're only a seat for one And nobody's gonna sit in it Because you're gonna look like a fucking bourgeois dickhead Sitting back like with your fat ass gut

Yeah eating eating Cheetos I bet your buddy with the cooler has one of these Chez-Lerges Yeah, oh, I think he has two He has one of those couches that has one on each side Oh I hate them so much I hate them But nobody can sit comfortably on this thing There's no back support, there's no backrest

You have to sit on the end like an asshole You might as well have an ottoman You might as well have a beautiful lady Feeding you grapes That's what you should say. That's what you meant to say. Except no beautiful ladies hanging out with you in your bozo L couch. Like a fucking loser.

You really hate Chase lounges that much? It ruins my day if I go to a friend's house to watch a movie and they have a Shays Lounge. I see that thing and it just makes my blood boil. Listen to me. Chase Lounge, here's why I love them. If you're in one, you have this, you have this, and this maybe this is just me. I don't think so. You have this air of not being able to get up.

Like if you're lying in one, people will get you things. because they think for some, well, he's in a chaise lounge. He can't possibly get up. No. I'm not going to disturb his relaxation. I'm just going to go get him the beer. Yeah, and he looks too fat to get up. Yeah, yeah.

It's great. No, it's a magic chair. You look, no, because here's the thing. If I see someone sitting in the chaise lounge, I think, well, there's a person who needs to rethink their decisions in life. I'm not getting them shit. That's so fucked. Yeah.

That shit pisses me off. It infuriates me. You know, to the point, Dick, where I decided to rethink the living room a long time ago. The concept of the living room or your living room? Well, both. Okay. The concept of a living room and my living room. I decided to, instead of getting a couch, I decided to just get a couple of chairs. Because if you think about the classic couch scenario in a living room, right? You have the couch, which is, it looks like three seats, but it's not really because no, you know, it could be. If it's long, if it's wide enough, three people could sit down on the couch, right?

Then you have the love seat. Yeah. Okay. Then you have the love seat, which looks like a two-person seat, but nobody's going to sit next to someone on the love seat, even if you're dating them, because it's just too gross. Oh, let me ask you something. Yeah. Do you ever sit on the same side of the table with a woman at a restaurant? I have. Okay.

But you don't want to sit in a love seat with her? No, because the restaurant scenario is different, because I don't want my back turn to the door. Okay. In case someone comes in, right? I'm so glad I have to follow up question. Yeah. He's quick dramatics over here.

Yeah. I'm always keeping an eye on that. the place, guys. You're not going to get the jump on me. I'll get the jump on you. That's why I think the Chase Lounge makes you uncomfortable. Because you have to relax to get in it and you're so keyed up, you can't allow that. Dick, you can't relax in these things. They're fucking god-awful. They only have, it's like sitting on a vertical L shape. It's a 3DL. L is the most uncomfortable letter I can think of next to K. Yeah. Might as well be a K. Yeah, but look at even the way we sit when we're doing this. You are, I am always leaning this

microphone stand back so I can relax more. And you are always perfectly on mic speaking directly into it. I think it's just not your chair, man. It's not a problem. No, it's a huge problem, buddy. Just don't sit in them. Leave them to people like me. I don't. And women with corsids.

Yeah, and women with hysteria who need massages. Pelvic massages. They're not, okay. So anyway, Dick, the living room, the living room, you have the couch, you have the love seat, which is a two seat, but deceptively, because only one, if you and your bro are going to go, you're not going to sit next

to me on a love seat. No. You fuck off, right? I'd sit on the floor. Yeah. Of course. You'd sit on the floor before you'd sit next to another dude on a love seat, right? Yeah. Even if you're interested in the guy. And then you have... And then you have... True.

Then you have the standalone chair, right? The big, like, throne-like chair. Yeah. So that's the classic... Are you saying a literal throne like you have or, like, a throne, like a normal person would have? Like a normal person would have. Not like I have. You have like the lazy boy.

He has a throne in his living room. I do. That's true. No, I'm talking about like the lazy boy. So essentially, if you count up the number of seats you have, you have two, maybe three with a couch, one with the love seat, and then one with the lazy boy. That's a grand total of five fucking seats. Okay. Garbage.

You know what I decided? I'm just going to buy five comfortable chairs to sit on. And I did for a long time. That's weird, man. Yeah. That's a real fucking weird house that you're walking into with five seeds. Oh, I know. It looks like your specter.

like a super villain organization, everybody's sitting in their chair. Yeah, yeah, it was. Or like Dad Club. It looked weird. Like the Chicago Bears guys hang out. You know, it was pretty cool, and in theory it worked,

my friends loved it. However, there was a flaw in this plan. Women. Yeah. Yeah. They're not going to want to sit in lazy boys. No, no, they don't. Well, let me tell you why you're a huge hypocrite.

Okay. Because you have Ottomans. Yeah. And what's, an Ottoman is just a do-it-yourself, Chez Lounge. No. Yeah, it is. No, they're not. You just line it up to the chair.

Boom, Shays Lounge. No, that's not the Shays Lounge. It's easy to get in and out of a chair with an ottoman. You just kick it. And if someone's pissing you off and they're sitting down on the ground because they came over and you bought a fucking love seat and they're sitting on the ground like you, you can kick the ottoman at their head. It's fucking great. I love Ottomans. I can kick Ottomans all day.

I love it. And then Ottomans also double as storage. You can put your shoes in them. You can put your smelly dog shit shoes in your Ottomans. How about that, dick? Seal it up for posterity. Maybe bring it out in a lot. millionaires in their diamonds.

I don't know, man. I like to be comfortable. Great times. Great, Dick. You know what? Shays lounges don't make anyone comfortable. They're one less, there are three less seats. Every time you go to someone's house, look at the L-shaped couches. They're deceptively big. They're so fucking big, you think, oh, man, everyone can sit on this thing, but nobody can

sit on them. Now, you got the, is that what it is? Because I'm picturing a Chays Lounge, like a Victorian-sculpted wooden sleigh. Yeah. You're thinking of the right thing, except the Shays' sofas. So they've tried to combine, they've combined the worst of both worlds. So they took the sofa, which is already flawed because they have that L angle, which nobody can sit in. Nobody's going to sit in the L because it's wide and it's weird.

No, who are you going to cuddle up against? You're fucking watching the Super Bowl. You're not cuddling with shit. Fuck off with your Shays lounge. Man, that pisses me off. So they have the Shays on the end of the sofa and the L shape, and everything's uncomfortable, and the pillows are rough, And it's always that stupid fake, what is it? What's the material that?

Nogahide? Is it Nogahye? That fake leather? No, not even the fake leather. I don't mind that. Oh, that fake like felt velvety sauce shit that like just sticks to you. Yeah, and it just stinks. Like after a while because everybody eats popcorn.

And what's with you idiots eating popcorn and just rubbing your grinding your greasy fingers into whatever fabric you're sitting on? What are you? Inhuman? No, there is no respect for furniture. I'm with you now. I have this beautiful leather couch. Very simple. Three-seater leather.

the couch and a simple like a throne seat, a one-seater. And when I picked leather, everybody laid into me. Like, they thought it was hilarious, that I was getting a leather couch. Leather's great. Yeah, it's like, you guys, can you just not dump your food all over yourself while you're sitting in it? That's all. That's all I'm asking.

It's not that crazy. I think I've only had, like, one or two spills in the four years I've added. I don't give a shit what anyone spills on leather. You just wipe it off. It's no big deal. It's that other bullshit that just stinks and reeks and it just sucks up everything like a sponge. unlike your fake-ass grass.

Yeah. Yeah, bringing it back. You got me there. Anyway, Dick, what are the problems this week? We had, um... God, what did I have? I had dog shit, and... Curb your dog.

Should that be the problem? Yeah, that's the problem. Curb your dog. People who don't curb their dogs? I mean, I don't know. Well, curb your dog is a command, Dick. That's not a... phrase it in a way of a problem.

Come on, I don't want to be old jeopardy on this, but I got to call you out on some of these fucking... bullshit problems. Yeah, I got shit in the comments. Everybody needs to lose 20 pounds. It's another stupid one. That's a problem. Oh, by the way. That's not a problem. That's a command. Hey, Kim Kardashian was on the cover of people last month saying, I think I need to lose 20 pounds. Oh, wow. I think she might be listening to this show. I'm surprised she didn't call

in because that's an obvious celebrity. I am not surprised she didn't call in. So what else you got? You got your... Yeah, people don't curb their dogs. People who don't curb their dogs. Let's phrase it correctly. Okay, that... Okay, you already won. No need to rub it in. People don't curb their dogs, and what was my other one? Fake lawns. Fake lawns?

Fake lawns? Well, not fake grass because I like it in sports. Okay. So synthetic lawns. Well, this changes everything. Don't vote for that problem, guys. Just lawns, like the application of that wonderful sports technology to the home. I don't like that.

Astro turf, the keyword Astro. And my problems were diamonds and shades. lounge sofas, which are fucking garbage. Guys... Spoken like a true proletarian. Thank you. Thank you for making this show an incredible success. We are just out the gates with already a million strong, and the bonus episodes going great.

We have a lot more coming. A lot of people bought the season pass, and we're going to be releasing bonus episodes once a month. They're going to be on par with what you've already heard, which is great. So... Thank you, Maddox, for making it happen. Thank you. Bold endeavor and a great experiment.

Well, I am amazing. Thanks for listening, guys.