The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 27

Episode Date: May 3, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe. I'm Maddox. With me is Dick Masterson. Hey, what's up, buddy? And we have a special guest in studio, Asteroos Coconut. Hey, hey, guys, what's going on? What's up, man? Boisterous coconuts.

I'm feeling boisterous. You know what I love about Asteroos? The last time, the last episode he was on, the second somebody called him out as boister's coconuts, he instantly went on Twitter and changed his name to boisterous coconuts. I did do that. You know, I thought it was funny, too, because... I was trying to.

trying to get more fan votes. It didn't work. Yeah. All to suck my huge suckup campaign failed. Hey, you're not doing too bad in terms of fan rankings. However, when I saw that Boister's Coconuts pop up on my Twitter feed, I thought it was a fan account. Oh, yeah. Because, Dick, when you brought in not enough tits on Snapchat is your problem.

That was a good problem. Yeah. Why didn't that win? So somebody, somebody created an account. I complained on that episode about all I get on Snapchat are horses and dogs. Yeah. And then someone created a Twitter account just to antagonize. me by sending me nothing about horses and dogs.

And I guess they were sending you boobs, weren't they? Yeah. This bullshit! It was called Horses and Tits, the account. Guess what they did. All I got was horses and dogs. And I still, all I get is horses and dogs. All right. You deserve better.

I know what is Darius wants to know. Who won last week? I do want to know that. Well, let's see. Looks like Diamonds won last week. Biggest problem in the universe, according to that week. And followed by people who don't curb their dogs. Dick.

All right, I'm going to call shenanigans right away, right now. Because I was listening to last episode, and I noticed at the end of the episode, you totally torpedoed my problem. But because I said, curb your dogs. That's a nice memorable phrase that everybody could vote on, but you changed it to people who can't curb their dogs. And I think some listeners agree with me

because I got a couple comments. I started thinking about it, right? What do you mean diamonds, right? Because that wasn't your problem. That was my problem. It was diamonds as... It was the marketing campaign that has made diamonds as a gemstone appeal to young couples in love. That was the real problem.

Not diamonds. So I got some comments on that. I guess the problem should be diamond gemstones from Dustin Zerjave. Okay, wow. Way to split hairs. You know what, Dick? Maybe your problem wasn't dog shit, but maybe it was just... just dogs. No, it was dog shit.

And then... I got more comments like diamonds are one of the hardest substances on Earth. They can cut through glass. They have many industrial applications. None of that was in your argument. It was just engagement rings. Right.

Because that's what's fueling. Look, if diamonds weren't so expensive for engagement rings and they weren't hoarded by this bullshit evil monopoly, this syndicate that exists in Europe and across the world, then they would be cheap and no one would need them for...

They wouldn't be expensive. They're one of the best superconductors. I read this in one of the comments. They're huge, they're like fantastic superconductors, but they're so expensive because of this monopoly that they can't use them. We can't advance in society. No, no, no, no, false, because we can make them.

Yeah, but they're still expensive. They're more expensive to make in the laboratory at this time. So you know, that... So you're saying the diamond cartels are driving up the price of science? Yeah. That's a pretty good argument.

That's a good argument. That's better than your dumb shit argument from last time. I'd also like to point out that any time... something is a syndicate or a cartel, it's immediately evil. Yeah. There's no like rainbow and sunshine cartel. That's actually what it's called,

Astero's. That's the name of this place that's called the syndicate. Yeah. The diamond cartel. I think it's in Israel. Wait, I got one more thing on the diamond thing. John Clancy says, I think you were both too,

you were both being too hard on Dick's friend who bought the $1,000 ring. First of all, $1,000 bucks is like nothing when we're talking engagement rings, which is true. I paid a lot more, and I still had a little voice in the back of my head, calling me a cheap bastard. Well, okay.

That little voice was a marketing voice. Second, she's going to be wearing that thing ideally for the rest of her life. Yeah. And that was the point I was trying to bring up

with that engagement that it's only $1,000 and it benefits her for the rest of her life. Right, you amortize it over her entire life. Is that really? Is that what you guys do?

I'm sorry. Because, you know, first of all, weddings, the average marriage last... Hey, we're not going to come to... Yes. 50%. 50% chance of getting a divorce, right?

She's not wearing that the rest of her life. She's wearing that for maybe at most seven years. Well, she's wearing it the rest of her life. She just maybe at some point she sells it or she's not together. Look, all I'll say is when I gave my wife her diamond ring, she like lit up like crazy. And she started singing like, diamonds over a girl's best friend. And it was like the cutest thing in the world.

Like, I'm not going to say how much my ring costs because I don't want her to find out. But it was totally worth it. Can you say how much that reaction was worth in? a dollar amount. It was worth, I think, $100 a time, and she does it a lot. Ten times, would you say? No, God damn it. Don't.

You and your math trickery. No, but it was, look, it was super adored. It made her happy, so come on. Great. No price on happiness, I guess, right? Well, there is a price. That's a thousand bucks. Yeah, that's what this guy's saying.

Yeah, you know what? For that cost, you could buy a new cubic zirconium ring every month and just have her wear a new new one every month. I agree with Operation Lie. Lie. I wish she had done that. That I was super duper on board with. Because it's not like fake gold which will make her finger green.

Like, what's you going to do? Try to cut glass with it? No. No, you're never have to prove it to anyone. Yeah, exactly. And if you do, then it means they don't trust you. And is that really a relationship if they don't trust you? Right, shitty friend.

Exactly. Maddox, do you not splurge on anything that just brings you joy? All the time. Like, like, that is worthless on its own? No. Really? Everything I splurge on is travel and good food. Assassin's Creed, Unity.

And a cage. You're buying it for $60 as opposed to waiting three months to buy it for 40? I stopped buying new video games. I wait. I wait a month. DELCs. Yeah. Fuck it.

Nah. Okay. Dark Souls 2 memorable, like, t-shirts and stuff, of course. Go ahead. But that doesn't count. I got a comment from Christopher Benny. He says, I definitely think that was Zoe Deschanel. So we had a lot of celebrity call-ins last week.

Yeah. That one sounded like her, didn't it? That was a really good. I mean, I think, the call from Colom. Bumbo was pretty cool, though. Yeah, he said... Boystress... Oh, that date rape shit?

Sounds like he had your number. He did have your number. So, listen, he says, I definitely think that was Zoe Deschanel who left voicemail. If not, someone mastered the impersonation. Perhaps boisterous coconuts has been practicing hard.

And then the second comment, the comment that responded to him was from Paul He. He said, well, after all, he is a digital cyber demon. I'm a digital cyber demon. Bravo. I also got a comment from Andrew Shulke about the celebrity voicemails.

He said, happy 1 million downloads, guys. Hopefully for your 2 millionth download celebration, you'll get a call from John Arbuckle or Skippy from family ties. Yeah. Really topical references like that, exactly. Or Cubert. Maybe he'll call it. Or Belke-Bartacamos. All the most topical references.

I got a comment here. Tony Main says, hey, Dick, is someone who cleans apartment buildings for a living. Thanks for tracking dog shit everywhere. Uh-huh. And I got to... Wait, he's not done. You fucking asshole. Bravo. And I got to comment on that note, too. You're not going to let me defend myself? Or is this more apartment shit?

It's more apartment shit, then you defend yourself. Because this guy says, this is from Even Weeby. He says, I like how Dick's solution to stepping in shit is to track it all over his apartment building. You're the problem, Dick. Take off your fucking shoes. That actually would have fixed everything. That would have fixed everything. Well, next time.

time, guys. Next time I'll pop the shoes off. Hey, I got a voicemail. Yeah. One, uh, play, play number one for me. Hey, guys, just calling from Ireland with a hangover. Big family show. My kid won't shut up, so answer this question for him. Maddox, I want to know, what does your shit smell like after you've drank tobacco? Oh yeah, Dick is a fucking idiot. Hey! Guys, keep him to good work. The mouth on this kid! What the hell? There's a kid who's been reading my writing since he was born, baby. What a smart kid. I love that kid. What a great country. Oh, my

God. Yeah. I hope all the kids are that adorable and filthy. Yeah, and eloquent. That's how you talk. Very eloquent. Take a lesson. I want all the American parents who are listening to the show. Play this episode for your kids so I can hear what a real kid talks like. Are you going to answer his question or what? Yeah, what does a shit

smell like after it's been drenched in Tabasco? No, what? No. He didn't ask what a shit smells like after you pour Tabasco sauce all over it. No, I have to drink. What is your shit like? What does your shit smell like after you've been drinking Tabasco sauce for a week? Okay. If you've ever had corn beef and it's been like brining all day and it's, you know, it's got that cabbage and that delicious, like, you know, you get some oniony, some turnipy type of taste to it, huh?

And a little bit of, you know, cumin, those fresh ground cumin, smells just like that. I'd like to point out that the correct answer is, I don't know. I don't smell my own shit. I don't know. Sorry, adorable Irish boy I can't help you Ding, that's the right answer Okay, I got another one for you

This guy sounds familiar I think he's called in before Play number two Hey this is a call from Maddox from 2004 Uh yeah Why would I use the fucking word Podcast? Hey guys, are you sure

Sean Oh no, no stop Stop it right there Okay Guys guys I got to go over some voice Uh, technical points with you. You cannot put the phone up to a computer and have the audio go through.

It's not magic. Right? So, so he's asking, he's basically pointing out how a long time ago I wrote this article about words that I hate, uh, and one of them was podcast because I said it's a made-up term for an MP3 file. That's essentially all we're doing. They're just posting MP3 files online. Yeah.

That's all it is. However, it's become so ubiquitous, kind of like Facebook. that you can't escape it. It's something, I, look, I fought this battle, and we've lost, guys. Everyone, we collectively as a society have lost. Steve Jobs and his fucking bullshit-ass marketing has won. That's what everyone calls these. I'm not going to fight it anymore.

There's nothing else I can call it that would be more understandable. Ultimately, when you're talking to people, the point is to convey information. Yeah. And the most easy way to convey that what we're doing is to call it a podcast. Yeah, remember when Microsoft had that memo that was like, You are not allowed to use the word podcast With reference to fucking podcast on the Zoom You have to call them like

Encapsulated digital audio radio show Pre-listening bullshit And everyone's like, ah, you guys lost This is super duper evidence that you lost Just call it a podcast. You know what I would have even This is hokey as shit But I would have even taken E-Cast at this point, right?

I don't mind E-Cast It's the same length I have a similar opinion about Frankenstein When you say Frankenstein You mean the big green guy with bolts out of his neck who's afraid of fire and goes, bruh, douchebags, like my good friend Sacks car, will say things like, no, that's Frankenstein's monster.

Frankenstein is the doctor. And it's like, fuck you! You lost. Horror nerd, you lost. Yeah. Frankenstein's the green guy, you fucking lost. Yeah, you lost, dude. I thought Frankenstein's monster was his wife. Oh, wow.

Can we hear some clapping, please? You should just ride that rim shot button because you're going to need a lot, because I'm on the show. Yeah. Well, Dick, I also have, let's see, I have another, this is a very popular segment. It's really taken off over the last few episodes. What? It is...

Dick versus Dick. Man, fuck this segment. So, Dick, I don't know if you remember. You said this back around the time. Let's see. I believe it was... Here, let's just play the clip. Due to the pressure from all my fans.

coming down on him, they finally issued an apology. And of course, Maddox gets no credit. It was a bullshit apology. The apology was basically we found this link to not have news. So Dick, that was in reference to when Robin Williams died and ABC News issued a bullshit non-apology. Yeah, I remember that. I remember everything I say because as a huge liar, you have to keep track of everything you say all the time.

So I learned to do that at very young age. Go ahead. This is why you look so exhausted. It's unbelievable. It's impressive, actually. I'm really impressed with your talent. And then later on, when I brought in, excuse me, I brought in non-apologies. Here's what you said about non-apologies.

Other way around. You brought up non-apologies first. So that's what you were saying about Robin Williams, ABC, non-apology. Here's what you said about non-apologies. So I would suspect that you're a really bad apologizer. Oh, what makes you say that? Because you're insincere with everything, every aspect of your life is totally insincere. So what does sincerity have to do with an apology?

Yeah. The question stands. Should we play that again? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, hold on. So that first clip was when you were talking about Robin Williams's non-apology, when ABC News issued that non-apology, right? But back a long time ago, I think in episode six, when I brought in non-apologies as a problem, here's what you said.

So I would suspect that you're a really bad apologizer. Oh, what makes you say that? Because you're insincere with everything, every aspect of your life. It's totally insincere. So what does sincerity have to do with an apology? Walk me. Good question. The question remains.

What does it have to do with an apology? I still stand that the most important part of an apology is saying it. You just have to say it. You say the thing first and then you feel the feelings. Maybe and it doesn't matter. You've already humiliated yourself. Okay. The context that you're missing is this is a major news organization.

Yeah. Like, they have nothing to lose by giving the most sniveling, groveling apology imaginable. They can hire somebody to do it. for like $20 an hour. Here you go. How can they fuck up an apology? Like how can... First of all, a news corporation can't be sincere.

It is a building. Yeah. It is a bunch of stocks. They can't issue a sincere apology. I was criticizing it as a business move. Dick, that's actually one of the best arguments I think you've ever made on the show. Bravo. And it sounded super insincere, too.

So well done. Yeah, hold on. Let me do it in a sincere way. You see hysterios. It's a building. All right? We're all very sad of Robin Williams' passing. That's what you have to start with something like that.

Yeah, yeah. That's a building, yeah. Well, so that's what I got. And I just want to say thanks to Daniel Sku for sending in the suggestion for that Dick versus Dick. Yeah, thanks a lot, Daniel. Your asshole. All right, let's get to the problems.

Oh, wait, I'm sorry. Before we do, isn't it funny that starting this show, you now have like a whole cadre of people that are trying to fuck you. Half the audience is like, I'm gonna fuck Dick with this clip. I'm gonna send Dick a shitty message. I'm gonna leave a shitty voicemail for Dick.

Always at the end too. Yeah, exactly. Damn it. And you've got an entire generation, our current generation of listeners, and them coming up in Ireland. They're kids. You guys done?

Can I get to my problem, please? No, we still got a few minutes. All right, I want to hear it. Okay. This is based. You guys, did you know we went to this comet? Yeah. Did you know we landed on a comet?

That sounds like fucking science fiction from the 50s that we would have thought we would have accomplished your 3,000 dick. How did this happen? We landed a satellite on a comet. It's amazing. I don't know how it happened, but we did it. Yeah. All right?

So, um, I thought, uh, big deal. I don't know what we're doing at the comet. Maybe we're going to learn something. I'll probably never hear it about it again. This is, this is these guys' time in the limelight. Sure. Right? Good for them.

Well, not so good for them. They had a little wardrobe snafu. What? Yeah, they were doing some interviews with these scientists. Right after they were landing their satellite on a comet, something that we couldn't imagine, you know, 20 years ago. Just real quick, that's like hitting a bullet with a bullet, because the comet is moving in an incredible speed,

you're launching this thing at an incredible speed, that's an incredible feat. Yeah. Yeah. However, the poor bastard who was involved in this incredible feat, incredible advancement for humanity, happened to be wearing a bowling shirt that had a bunch of sexy ladies drawn on it. Illustrations of sexy women drawn on it. Like comic book characters? Yes, comic book characters.

Not real women. Just representations of them. Okay. Were they like naked, spread eagle? Like how? No, they were just wearing normal clothes, actually quite conservative clothes. Living in Hollywood, I've seen much worse, walking around on a Thursday or Sunday evening.

Or better. Or better. Yeah. So, guess who lost their shit about it? Here's the title of an article I came across today. I don't care if you landed a spacecraft on a comet. Your shirt is sexist and ostracizing. Sexist?

Sexist and ostracizing. Here's the article by Chris Plant and Ariel Duhame Ross. two retards who deserve to be shot into a comet. Yesterday, the European Space Agency landed the fillet spacecraft on a comet, a powerful step forward for humanity and science alike. However, slightly before the big moment,

coverage of the event reminded us how much progress remains to be accomplished back on Earth. Yeah, we're just Neanderthals, huh? We're cavemen with our bowling shirts. A number of scientists involved in this incredible project were interviewed in the hours leading in the hours leading to contract by Nature Newsstream. One of those

Rosetta scientists was Matt Taylor who chose to dress for this special occasion in a bowling shirt, covered in scantily clad caricatures of sexy women in provocative poses. Oh no. Oh my God. It sounds like he's wearing porno. Like the phrase like that makes it sound like he's just wearing a hustler

magazine. So he's like a, he's a fringe guy, he looks like a rockabilly guy, he's covered in tattoos, He's got the facial hair, and he's wearing, like, a rockabilly tattooed t-shirt. Rockabillies can be scientists. There's nothing wrong with that. Yeah, no, apparently not. Does the article go on? Yeah.

This is going to be a very long day, but a very exciting day, said Taylor, the scientist. You know, the man who's doing something with his life. And improving humanity. Right. I think everyone should enjoy it because we're making history. They are. It is like shooting a bullet with a... To put it in writers terms, because I know these dipshit writers don't understand science stuff,

Right. It would be like writing a book that launched into space and landed on a comet. Does that make sense? Yeah, I like the bullet with a bullet in Alba. That was really good hysteria.

So here's where it gets good. No one knows why Taylor chose to wear that shirt that shirt on television during a massive scientific mission from what we can tell a woman who goes by the name of Ellie Prysman on Twitter

made the shirt for him. So a woman made the shirt for him. And is just as bewildered as he must be that anyone might be upset about her. creation. But none of that actually matters. What matters is the fact that no one at the European Space Agency saw fit to stop him from

representing the space community with clothing that demeans 50% of the world's population. No one asked him to take it off because presumably they didn't think about it. It wasn't worth worrying about. Yeah. Yeah, it wasn't. No, it's not. Fuck off. And also, who, you Is this the president of women talking? Is this the queen of all women? Does she represent all women? 50% of the world's population. 4.5 billion people.

Is that who this person represents? I'm sorry, 3.5 billion points of views? This is the sort of casual misogyny that stops women from entering certain scientific fields. That's sexist. There is. Absolutely. If you think that women are so weak will that they won't enter science because of a sure, that looks like a...

I'm looking at the shirt right now. It looks like a comic book from the 90s. It looks like something image comics would put out. This isn't super disgusting. It's just like a bunch of girls and dresses. It's like if you think that women are so weak that this will stop them for pursuing their dreams, you don't understand women and how strong they are,

and that's awful. Great fucking point, Asteroos. This is fucking... It is absurd. It's sexist. Yeah, the t-shirt, it's just a comic book t-shirt. Fucking get over it. Yeah, it looks like,

An X-Men comic, like, okay, you know what? If you don't like it, that's fine, but, like, this isn't the problem. Well, guys, it's not just about the shirt. Uh-oh. You see, because women see a guy like that on TV, they don't feel welcome. They see a poster of greased up women in a colleague's office, and they know they aren't respected. This is, like, in an astrophysics lab, you go around and you see greased up women calendars all over the place. You know?

Just all over the place. Penthouse magazines, spilling out of telephones. of telescopes when you're a woman and you go to do your observations? Like, oh, I'm gonna get with the... Who left all their jerked-off porno rags in the observation booth? Scientists and Caltech are tripping over

piles of jizz. Porno. Porno and jizz, yeah. I remember when we landed that first hustler, that first penthouse forum on the moon. It was a really proud day for me. A really sad day for women. They hear comments about, quote,

bitches while out at the bar with fellow science students. And they decide to change majors. Look at this tapestry. Yeah. Look at this tapestry she's painting of this, of this

poor downtrodden woman walking through her life just trying to become a scientist and she goes to a bar and overhears someone say bitch and she goes, that's it, I think I'm changing my majors.

I think I'm no longer interested in astrophysics. I think I'm going to go into what nail salons. Yeah, I'm a home-EC major now. Is that what happens? Is that how weak these women consider women?

I get, according to Chris Plant and Ariel Denham Ross they are. I don't know. I don't think so, but, you know, I'm just reading what I read here. The few who persevered, even when they were discouraged from pursuing degrees in physics, chemistry, and math throughout high school,

these are the women who forced on despite blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. This is the climate women who dream of working at NASA or the ESA come up against every single day. This t-shirt, this shirt, is representative of all that, whether Taylor meant it to be or not. a guy who just sent a contraption, you could call it, onto a comet. Yeah, yeah. And this is such an amazing feat that we have done here. Because to even calculate the trajectory of this comet with any accuracy, to be able to do that from Earth, another spinning

marble around the sun that's spinning at thousands and thousands of miles while we're rotating, while we have to coordinate that with radio telescopes and other science agencies, and then get the funding and launch the satellite onto this rocket and go through all the bureaucratic red tape, let alone have it successfully land on an asteroid in fucking space millions of miles away. What is it? Three million miles away?

No idea. Yeah, it's about that. I couldn't find an infographic on that. Yeah. It had to shoot, I heard it had to shoot harpoons into the surface of the comet to land. Yeah. Like, it literally speared this comet like a whale.

It shot it with a bunch of guns. It's like Batman. Yeah, exactly. This was a fucking awesome probe. And this is going to advance our knowledge just by decades, if not centuries, of what we know about asteroids and astrophysics and all this stuff. To be able to successfully do this for the first time in history is unimaginable. And here we are focused on this guy's bowling shirt. Yeah, that a woman made for him.

So that's why I'm calling my problem, engineering sexism. You see, because it's a double. double thing. Double on tonnit. It's engineering because they're making up the sexism, right? But it's also engineering sexism. We all got it right away. We're not stupid.

Here's the thing that I'm saying. So, and this goes deeper than this. I didn't bring it in just because of this stupid article. But women in STEM, are you familiar with STEM, science, technology, engineering, and what is it, math? Yeah. Not enough women in STEM always get shit on the internet. There's countless articles, organizations.

trying to encourage women to be in science, technology, engineering, and mathematics. And they constantly harp on it not being a welcoming field. Yeah. Because of the attitudes of men. And I take a big issue with that, because I think those fields are passion, as much as music and writing, and anything else that, like, comes from your core that you would do whether you got paid to do it or not. And that you can't discourage that. You can't say, you know, Galileo, Copernicus, got pretty big discouragement. when they were fucking killed for being scientists.

Oh, yeah. It's a pretty big discouragement. And I think... What's that? Yeah, no, that's a great point, Dick, yeah. And I think it's not... I don't think it's the attitudes of these men keeping women out of science.

I think it's, you know, the cold mechanical parts, the sterile environment, the loneliness, the hours and hours and nights of extreme loneliness, the lack of human contact, the end of... memorizing of facts and figures that dry statistical theories?

You think it might be any of that or is it this guy's fucking shirt? Yeah, I think it's the t-shirt, Dick. I'm gonna play devil's advocate. I think it's the t-shirt. You know what's kind of incredible? He's like not reading this off of a piece of paper. Like he's just riffing all of the dick is.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. To watch this is kind of master. Well, here's what I would say. Not to play devil's advocate, but nerd guys are the worst. guys to have to deal with, period. They're creepy, they say inappropriate things, they don't smell great.

I'm a huge nerd, by the way, saying this. So, like, if you want to say that STEM isn't a welcoming environment for women because you have to deal with nerd guys 24-7, yeah, I will absolutely buy that. But it's like, you can't use it as a crutch. People are going to pursue their dreams. And, you know, it's like, if you care enough,

you'll go after it and you'll do it. Yeah, can I ask you that, guys' question? At what point, where are all these pervasive, powerful messages constantly beating down women and telling them not to enter math and science? Because every fucking time I turn on the TV, step outside, look at a billboard, see a sign in an advertisement in a magazine, all I see is we need more women in math and science. That's all I ever fucking see.

If that works, okay, if those billboards work, shouldn't the opposite also work? What if I created a billboard says, hey, women, stay out of math and science? Because what if I just started doing that, huh? Are women are just going to suddenly precipitously drop off because I created a billboard like some dickhead told them not to? Of course fucking not. You're going to do whatever you want,

regardless of what I say or regardless of what anyone says. If you made that billboard, more women would enter math and science. That's actually a pretty good way to do it. I'm going to start doing that. I'm going to fix this problem with spite. Spite is an awesome motivator. Dick, something in the article you said. Go ahead.

She mentioned casual misogyny. Yeah. Okay? What is misogyny? As serious, what do you think misogyny is? I think... It's a three-word definition, by the way. Here's a hint.

Oh, tell me what the definition is. It starts with hatred. Yep. Hatred for women? That's it. Okay. That's the three-word definition. Hatred of women is misogyny.

There is nothing casual about hatred. You either do or you don't. Like, that's not... It's not like this little degree. And then she said sexism. What do you think sexism is? What do you guys think sexism is? Judging someone based on their gender?

Yeah. Discrimination based on gender. That's all it is. I'm not exactly sure. how this is judging women by their gender, but this t-shirt. Yeah, this t-shirt isn't going to stop a woman from

getting a raise. This t-shirt isn't going to fire a woman because she's pregnant. Like, you know, this t-shirt isn't going to charge a woman more for health insurance. There are legitimate there are legitimate problems that women face. But when you complain about this t-shirt,

you look like a pancy. Like, you look like you're so weak that like this, the mere sight of of a PG-13 rated t-shirt is enough to send you into a hole and it's like, that's not good. Is it disrespectful, Sirius? Just honestly asking you.

Do you think it's disrespectful? Look, I wouldn't wear that t-shirt, especially on TV. Like, he's being interviewed by like this pretty hot lady. Oh, yeah. And it's like, I'm not going to wear like this t-shirt with Van Porella on it if I'm like around a super hot lady.

Like, you know, but that being said, you can't, every sling and arrow can't be enough to fell you, or you're never going to progress. So it's like, you look like a weakling, and that's not, no one wants to hire a weakling. You know, it's like, you know. Well, what's the number?

What is the percentage that we need to have of women in STEM before we've stomped out this casual misogyny? Because I got numbers of graduates in all kinds of degrees, like in every different school of degree. Yeah. Business, it's about a little more men than women in business. Engineering is a whopping seven times more men than women. But then you got education.

Triple the women as men. Oh, that's okay, right? Well, no, that's natural because it's weird. It's weird to say that women are more naturally inclined to education, but it's overtly and crazily sexist to say, well, look, men just like being on their own tinkering with shit. Oh, no, no, that's not what I was saying. It's like, it's weird.

Like, we, I feel like the media makes these roles for people, and I feel like you see a lot of women teachers. You have a lot of women. I feel like these things are like generational shifts. Like, most of my teachers are women. It's weird. I work in the field of PR. Like, 90% of my coworkers are women.

Like, it's just interesting. like women enter PR, men enter advertising. I don't know why it works, but, you know, it is a fact. Well, some people argue there's two prevailing arguments. One is that it's societal forces, societal pressures. That's what we tell women they should do, so that's what they become. Yeah. And the other argument is that it's nature, it's natural.

There's something intrinsically that attracts women to these fields because they, for some biological reason, are more nurturing. And they've done a test, actually, on, I believe, on Bonobo, monkeys. And because this argument was made a long time ago, they said, well, let's give a bunch of babies, a bunch of kids who haven't been exposed to society. Let's give them a bunch of male and female toys and see which ones they played with. Well, the boys overwhelmingly chose the male toys and the girls overwhelmingly chose the female toys. So, feminists came by and they said, well, no, that test doesn't count. That study doesn't

count because they were still exposed on some level to some societal influences. So they repeated the same test with monkeys. And guess what? The male and female monkeys who don't watch TV. Right, exactly. And, Dr. Phil still chose the male and female toys right along gender roles. Why? I don't know. But that does happen.

That's a point four monkeys. Monkeys aren't as big of a problem as you said before. Dick. It sounds like these monkeys are curing the, are anti-feminist, which you guys love. They're curing the sexism thing. These monkeys sound great. No, I'm not anti-feminist. I'm anti-whatever it is today that we have.

It's not feminist. That was a poor phrase. Anti-winer. Yeah. Like, yeah, that's what you guys mean. Yeah, exactly. Dick, uh... I'm sorry, never mind.

I had a point. Go on. You have a point? Oh, I was going to ask you, what, do you happen to have the percentage of art, of art graduates? I do. Art and humanities is about equal. Men are, uh, I think it was 9.4% of undergrads and women are 10.5. Oh, that's interesting. It's about equal. So, the big ones are, the big ones that are in...

Go ahead. Real quick, I just want to make a point on that. I was curious about the art one because it's about equal. What do they study in art when you take an art history class? What do they draw in the Renaissance? What did they paint? Can you remember what they painted in the Renaissance? Fat broads.

A bunch of naked fat women. Rubinesque, please. And Rubeness, sure. And that clearly didn't dissuade women from entering the field. Why? Hmm. Interesting. Oh, I see what you're saying.

So they're being insensitive towards women by painting naked. women and yet women are going into art and humanities even despite that yet this poor guy's got half-naked women on his t-shirt and that is somehow dissuading yeah that's an interesting point i don't know i know that kim kardashian's gigantic ass is plastered all over facebook and that hasn't stopped women from going on facebook every day so it only did there's something so gross about that kim kibsian butt shot it looks like her butt is made out of Chrisco or covered in Chrisco. Yeah.

I know that's supposed to get me to like her butt more, but it got me to like her butt less. Yeah. I just, I think this is a shameless cash grab, this whole thing. Oh, it's clickbait. Yes, of course that's... Well, even for these organizations, because I was like, well, is it about the money? First of all, they only care about science and engineering, women in science and engineering because they can sell it to them.

Yeah. You say, here you go. You can make a lot of money doing this. We don't want you to be garbage men, because there's not a lot of women. We want you to be in science and engineering. Sure. And also, hey, all you tech companies, why don't you give us some dough so you can get some good PR about encouraging women to do something they don't really want to do? I, look, I agree that this article is outrage porn, it's clickbait. Someone found an angle and they took it. And they probably made some money on the advertising. So I guess good for them, but it's just really cynical.

Yeah, interesting problem, Dick. Yeah, I got one more point. The medium job for people with a computer degree is around $80,000 to $100,000 and a teacher's salary is down towards $50,000. Look, if you can't logically get into engineering just based off of those two numbers, you're not a fucking engineer. I got bad news for you.

Because the whole profession is based on being able to say, well, $100,000, that's almost doubled than that one. I think I'm going to do... I'm going to go that way. I'm kind of worried that these teachers are looking at those two numbers, still deciding the lower number, which suggests, actually, I know a lot of teachers, and they're really good people, they have a lot of heart, and they don't do it for the money, which suggests

something else. You might say they have a passion for it. Yeah. Which is something you have to do when you get into these jobs. Absolutely. Absolutely. Engineering sexism, that's my problem. It just pisses me off, man. And can you imagine being like a little boy right now, being into engineering and all you hear about is that women should be doing it? I don't know. Does that have an effect? Does that have any kind of effect? I don't think anyone should be discouraged from becoming a scientist or engineer. We need more scientists, mathematicians, engineers, period. And if you want to encourage your son or daughter to do that, good for you. But if they choose not to, then you should probably encourage what their natural path is, what inspires them, what gives them passion. And if it's not math or engineering, then stop bludging

them over the head, except I am biased towards math. You should. But that aside, Asteroos, welcome back to the studio. Hey, thank you. And you are our very second. You're the first returning guest. Yeah, I know. I was waiting for someone to say that. I'm going to put that on my fucking resume.

Welcome back. Thank you. New LinkedIn item. First returning guests. And so what's your problem this week? My problem is burlesque dancers. Whoa. How's that about it?

My problem is burlesque dancers. Well, to illustrate my problem, I'd love to play a game with you guys. Yeah. Cool. If you wouldn't mind queuing up the classic, biggest problem game show music. You got it. This is a little quiz

I'm going to do for you guys. It's called real or fake burlesque performer. I'm going to name a burlesque performer and I want you to tell me if it's a real name or a fake name of a burlese performer. Okay. All right. April Showers.

Is it first and last name, real? No. The names are totally made up. They're burlesque names. She's not like, ah, Willamina Showers is my proper name. Yeah, I'm going to say that's a real burlesque's name because the thing about burlesque is it never turns me on. And that name, and I always think it should.

Like, I'm always thinking, oh, I'm about to get turned on here. And then I'm like, what the hell is this shit? Yeah, it's like, they put a governor on it. Yeah, I know exactly what you're talking about. And this April showers, I'm like, uh, is that like a sexual thing or, no, April showers is something that happens in April. Yeah. I'm going to say, it's not a porno's name.

It's not a porn star name. Burles. I'm also going to go burlesque because showers is a nod towards golden showers, which is definitely sexual. For some people, not saying me, but for some people for sure. So I'm going to say burlesque, yes. Well, I'm going to say, you're both wrong. It's fake. What?

It's a fake name. Next name, cha-cha valour. Chacha valore. Yeah, I'll say that's burlesque. Yeah, burlesque. Sorry, guys. That's a fake burlesque name. All right.

Okay. Kiki saint. How about boisterous coconuts? Real. And hot. Okay. Third name. Real or fake burlese name.

Kiki saint needs attention. Kiki saint needs attention. Real or fake. You know, because of the number of syllables in that, it sounds like a Greek name. I'm going to say yes. I see what's going on here. You're right. It's real.

Yeah. Coco electric. Real or fake? Coco Electric. Fake. Fake. You're right, it's fake. Big Boob's McGee.

Oh, this is my girlfriend. Fake, because your girlfriend's fake. What? Fanny von too fat to dance in an actual strip club. That one's real. Well, I thought this game, when you said you got a game for burlesque dancers, I thought it was going to be like a guess the weight game. Because that's the first thing I think of when I think burlesque is,

what's going on here? Why did you, have you never seen a gym before in your life? Guys, what are you talking? Do you not hate? Dude, I hate burlese dancing. I've seen some beautiful burlese dancers. Where are you going? There are a lot of beautiful burlese dancers, but it's, there's also a lot of ones where it's like,

just get off the stage. What are you doing? This is gross. Yeah, it's predominantly the carnival version of a strip club. What are you guys talking about? Not every burlesque club is Jumbos clown room. If you go to like a burlesque night, At some point you're like, I gotta go, I feel sick.

As serious, what is Jumbo's clown room? I'm actually going to get into that a little bit later. All right, I got two more. Okay. Penelope von Parents gave her everything she wanted, so this is the only way she can rebel. Yep. Real.

And finally, Lana Saint, I'm afraid society will judge me for exposing myself in public, so I'm going to show everything but. And even though I think I'm subverting gender norms, I'm actually reinforcing them with every twirl of my tassels, va-va-boom. Real burlesque name. That's a real... It's a real burlesque name.

How do they fit that on the marquee? It's a huge marquee, much like their costumes, some of them. Oh, wow. You guys hate burlesque. Well, yeah. I can't believe you like them. Yeah, I'm a fan, man. Some of them are pretty ladies.

I'm going to tell you guys about an actual experience I had with this burlesque bullshit just last night, okay? Yeah. So I'm in town because my best friend asked me to be the best man in this wedding. And I accepted and I planned the perfect bachelor party. Okay? First off, it's Harry Potter themed. All right.

It's a Harry Potter themed party. Who's idea was that? My idea. We're all dressed head to toe as wizards. All your favorite wizards. Ron Weasley, Neville Longbottom, Cedric Diggery. It's a really thing. Yom is it?

Maddox was there last night. I popped in. He saw it. I saw a bunch of wizards and I'm looking for hysterios. I'm like, I don't see anyone. I just see these wizards. And the whole sudden,

I turned around of my big fat face is underneath the wizard. Hello, welcome to Gryffindor. And they did not half ass this either. These were like expensive wizard costumes these guys were wearing to this burlesque club.

So you were like Dobby. Yeah, the house self. Exactly. All right. My plan, by the way, with the wizard costumes was that the strippers would see the wizard costumes

think we were harmless and want to go farther. That was my plan with the wizard costumes. He's the stealth bomber. That's what a serious is. He sneaks that. I'm a fucking sniper.

Did they think you were hiding a bunch of money under these wizard outfits or what? Well, one of them grabbed one of our wizard hats and rubbed it between her two legs for a while. So that was pretty cool. That sounds like that. That sounds like that. And then put it back on one of our heads with her feet. Got worse. I was mistaken.

That's sounds so cool. It was cool, dick. It was cool for us to dress his wizard to go to a strip club. So here's the schedule of events. Okay, for my ultimate bachelor partner. party day. 10 a.m. to 5 p.m., Universal Studios. We rode the shit out of the movies. All your favorites. The Mummy Returns, Shrek 4D, we went on them all. Five p.m. to 7 p.m. Bucca de Beppo's. We went to Bucca de Beppo's dressed in wizards and ate like kings. Then, on my schedule,

from 8 p.m. on, it says assorted strip clubs. Because this was a 13 year old's birthday party up until this point. Exactly. I thought we'll start out slow and then just go crazy. So we finish our colossal brownie Sunday. I open it up to suggestions. I say we could go to the seventh veil or crazy girls, neither of which I've been to, but both did very well on Yelp. Yep. Exactly. And then my good friend slash a huge asshole goes, strip clubs might be too high pressure. Let's go to a burlesque club. High pressure for what? High pressure? For, lap dances, they're afraid that, like, girls would constantly be coming up to them

and asking for lap dances. Yeah, they are. It's great. It's the only place you can go where girls come up to you and are nice. Yeah. It's the only place in the world except for Maddox's Facebook account where that happens. Yeah, Dick, it's amazing when you don't spend your

career alienating women. Well, shut up. What was it in the book you wrote again? Men are better than women. Just a little book. Just a little book. Boy, I tell you what, man, the pressure I feel at a strip club. Oh man.

You got to get some relief for that pressure. Sure. But now I have never been to a strip club at this point, and I am married, and this was like my one chance to go to a strip club. This was it. I was like, I have the perfect excuse. I'm the best man. I have to go to a strip club, hon. I have to go.

If I don't, I'll be disappointing my good friend Jeffrey. And my asshole friend John is like, let's go to Jumbo. clown room or burlesque club and I'm like no like I see my whole life falling apart in front of my eyes and I'm like guys let's reconsider there's no nudity at this burlese club there's no friction dancing everyone goes what's friction dancing I go oh right you call them laugh dances I don't know what I'm talking about either so we end up going to fucking jumbo's clown room this is an epidemic what you're talking about guys guys trying to opt out of strip clubs at bachelor parties because I planned a bachelor party for that guy that got engaged.

Yeah. And one of my, like, it was, at the beginning, he said, well, you might want to check with everybody to see if they want to go to a strip club. And I said, well, that's one thing I'm never going to do in my life. First of all, we're definitely doing that. If you don't want to go to a strip club, you absolutely need to go to a strip club. Get over it. Secondly, this is my reward for planning this thing.

I deserve this for planning, for doing all this horse shit. for you. Yeah. Yeah. That's exactly right. Anyone that does a laser tag bachelor party, mini golf bachelor party, going to Dave and Busters,

you are all pussies. You have to go to a strip club. And if you ask someone, a lot of times they'll say no, and they'll be thinking yes, so hard. My friend was like, I'll just name him. My friend John was like,

I don't know if Jeffrey wants to go to a strip club. I'm like, he's a guy. He wants to go to a strip club. He may not admit it because he wants to look cool, and he doesn't want to look like a purve, but he wants to go to a strip club because I want to go to a strip club. Ah. But we didn't.

We end up at jumbos. Now listen, I want to talk about a phenomenon I call the quarter inch of purity. Okay. In our society, burlesque performers are seen as intelligent, empowered women who are celebrating the female form, and strippers are seen as seedy, desperate women who will do anything for a buck. What's the difference between them? A quarter inch of fabric.

Oh, interesting. A quarter inch of fabric separates experimental grad student from Coke Addle Trick Baby. A quarter inch of fabric separates Fifi Vantis from Amber, no last name given, but when the red lights flashing,

it's two-for-one dances. A quarter inch of fabric. Where's the morality behind it is mind-boggling to me. I don't know what you guys think. That's insane. That's absolutely insane. Well, I think it's a quarter inch of fabric and also maybe a teenage years spent with a grabby uncle.

Whoa. Not just what? What? It's getting dark. Getting dark. That noise means it's going to get cut. Is that too much? I mean, it's not.

I'm getting there. I'm getting there. That's a real thing. I know. It's dark. Okay. I just want to know if I should continue it or not. What are you going to say?

That was it. I was done. All right. So I'm going to surprise you guys. I'm going to say something that you're probably not expecting to hear for me. Dick, maybe you're the exception because you know me pretty well. I'm pretty ambivalent towards strip clubs. Yeah, I got such a...

I got an interesting look for Mysterious over here. Because, so my friend came here one time. All my friends who come out of state, when they come from conservative states, the first thing they want to do is hit up those strip clubs. And they all are super excited, enthused about it, and they're like, hey, man, are you ready to go to this thing?

And I'm like, oh, okay. Because I'll go there, and I don't quite know what to do. I never really get lab dances. Is it because you're a huge cheapskate? Yeah. There's part of it. So I went to a strip club for a friend's bachelor party. It was something like 3.34 in the morning.

This place, like, roped us along, some bullshit with like table service and free rides and all the other. And as soon as you get there, it's like $30 cover. We're like, fuck you, we're out of here. And so finally we get in there. They're like standing room only if you don't reserve a table. So we pay to get in. Like we haggled them down to $10.

There's no cover. It's like whatever they want to charge that night. Yeah. So we haggle them down $10. Walk in. We're the only guy's in the place. Standing room only, my ass. So we go sit down at some table.

And at the time I had a girlfriend and she told me, I don't care if you go to a strip club, just don't get a lap dance. And I said, fine, because I wasn't. planning on it anyway. So these girls started making a B-line towards us and we started shooting him off left and right and then there's one left and she comes over and sits on my lap and I tell her look I know

you're here for work I'm not spending any money so it won't hurt my feelings if you get up and go try to find another client. She said thank you for being honest it won't hurt my feelings you're letting her let you down easy. The ego on you never ceases to amaze me look honey it won't hurt my feelings

you can just walk away at any time Yeah. Yeah. No, I think I said I won't take it personally. That's what I said. I like they give a... This woman cared. Candy cared about my feelings.

Oh, man, she had you hooked. How much did you end up giving her? Oh, I walked out empty pocketed. No, I didn't pay anything. So, anyway, at some point at the strip club, like, all the guys are getting their lap dances, and it was gross, and I have some really fun stories from that night. Oh, man, I have some stories. But finally, I was there so late.

It was like five in the morning, and I fell asleep. And at some point, I was just exhausted. I fell asleep at a strip club. And I wake up to a lap dance. Oh, no. Yeah, I thought, oh, shit, I'm going to be in so much trouble. My girlfriend told me. And this girl's, like, grinding on me and stuff.

And she finally finishes, and I thought, man, this, I'm being taken advantage of here. Because I fell asleep, because that's what they do. If you fall asleep in a strip club or something, some girl's going to come up and grind on you, say she gave you a lap dance and then just take you for all your worth. Yeah. So after the lap dance is finished. I reached into my pocket and I pulled out a 10. I'm like, sorry, this is all I have.

I gave it to her and she said, thank you, and walked off. I'm like, wow, I was expecting a broken knee or two. But she walked off, and then I saw my buddy laughing. He had paid for the lap dance. While you were asleep? While I was asleep. He thought it would be funny, and it was. That must have been a really weird thing to wake up to.

All of a woman you've never met. Yeah. Yeah, it was weird. But anyway, I'm kind of ambivalent towards strip clubs. I don't know. Maybe I'm not horny enough for strip clubs. I found a wad of ones in my dresser, like last week. I was putting stuff away, and it's this gigantic lot of wands.

And I got it many years ago when I had a girlfriend who, unlike Maddox, I don't bring up the strip club subject at all. I just do it and then lie about it. They don't need to know. Yeah, they don't need to know. They don't need to know everything. They don't need to know why I'm going. They don't even know what I'm doing there.

so I left with a shitload of ones because I think I got kicked out for climbing on the stage I left with so many ones that I couldn't get rid of them like I went straight from the strip club I took a plane back home and I got out and she was picking me up at the airport so I was like shit I got to get rid of these ones

I'm gonna like you know I've got a softball of one dollar bills so I hid them and I planned to spend them like a couple at a time like the Shawshank Redemption like to get rid of this mountain of evidence. I guess I forgot about that plan. We broke up and several years later, I found this stack of ones.

I was like, well, I got to take these to his rip-up. It's the only place that accepts $1 bills. Yeah, taking back home. That's funny. So what did you end up at this burlesque place? Yeah, look, so we're at the burlesque place for four and a half hours. It's fun for the first hour, and then it's super duper boring. I want to say this though

I feel like there's this weird moral purity The dividing line between stripper and burless dancer I feel is really strong And I feel like it's weird Like when a woman chooses Not to show her breasts in a burless performance The message she's sending

Is that nudity is wrong That the natural form Is something to be ashamed of You know what else wants women covered up all the time? terrorists. That's who wants women covered up all the time. Am I saying burlese dancers

are terrorists? I'll let you be the judge but yes, absolutely. They are fucking terrorists. Strippers... They'll terrorize a salad bar. Yes, the croutines at it. I want to...

Look, you guys may agree with me or disagree with me, but strippers at least have the integrity to embrace their career fully. For that, they should be celebrated. with Dick's dollar bills, stuffed into G-strings,

or with champagne, served in rooms, called champagne rooms, where there's no champagne and just lap dances. We should be honoring the stripper. The burlesque dancer, I feel, is someone that should be mocked, made it feel small, and destroyed. Am I the only one who thinks this? No, I'm 100% on board with this. I hate burlesque.

It's a tease. Yeah, exactly. I want to say, just a couple more things. Burles dancers hide what they do behind affectation, behind like, oh, I'm old-timey, I'm dressed like a gun mall. My name's Bellevine, bang, bang. Like, layer after layer, designed to mentally separate what they do from what the stripper does.

Separate like apartheid. It's got to fucking stop. It's got to stop, guys. Wow, boisterous. I didn't expect you to tie this to so many contemporary problems and also apartheid. A terrorism, apartheid, what else he got? If you got a Martin Luther King reference in there. Well, I have a dream.

I have a dream where my child can grow up in a world where she can choose to be a stripper if she wants to and if she's hot enough. A world free of judgment and clothing. So rise up! Rise up, burlese dancers, and free yourselves from the shableness. That are your boy shorts. Free yourself from the shackles of your Star Wars themed belly shirts and your Doctor Who themed double-dallic bras. Rise up and strike a blow for equality!

Bravo! That was actually beautifully done. All right. Incredible. What's your problem? My problem, guys, is Facebook. Oh, jeep. Horse shit.

I'm calling horseshit. already. I haven't even said anything. Facebook is so big and enormous that this, it could be anything to anybody. Well, my button's on the H-bomb, baby. I got it right here. All right, I'm gonna... This is a vote grab, pure and simple.

That means that you agree with him, though. That means that you think he's got a point. Yeah, so I don't even have to finish. I already won. Go ahead. Yeah, here's the problem with Facebook. All right, first of all, Facebook's become the world's largest repository of link bait, links to BuzzFeed, Upworthy, Mashable, distractify.

That's another new one. Have you guys seen distractify? No, but I'm pretty sure I know what it is. Yeah, based on that name. It's just become a conduit to content aggregation mills. It's separating content aggregation by one step. So you're going to this place just to see another place that points to links to other places. Oh, I like to point out that that's true.

I don't go to blogs anymore. Like, I don't go. I used to go to like, I used to go to, like, in a cool news all the time, and this and that, like I used to go to all these blogs all the time. I don't do that anymore. I just see what my friends link to on Facebook,

and that's how I get my news. And that is weird, actually, that it's so, it's like the information I consume is now filtered through a corporation. It is, and it's really scary because Facebook supposedly is for net neutrality. And yet, they control, like, I read the statistic a while back, around 40%, 34% to 40% of all traffic on the internet goes to Facebook.

Oh, yeah, that's right. Yeah, so 34 to 40% is being filtered through Facebook's algorithmic choosing. So all these old websites you mentioned a long time ago was serious, like Ain't it Cool News, say the best page in the universe, you know, I'mockery.com, all these websites, all these independent blogs that used to exist and some still do, obviously. People found them organically just through searches or through links on other websites. But now all these other websites have to have a Facebook presence, including my own. I have about 145,000 followers on Facebook, right? So if I post a link to an article on my website, you would expect that to go out to about 145,000 people, wouldn't you?

But instead, it goes out to maybe 20, 30, 40,000 if you're lucky. Because Facebook wants these page owners to pay to reach their own fans. Yeah, right. They have turned everybody into an advertiser. There's no longer any such thing is organic reach on Facebook. And when Mark Zuckerberg recently did a Q&A in a town hall style meeting,

the number one question everyone asked him is why don't you reenable organic reach? Because Facebook has the shitty business model that they're cramming down everyone's throats. Yeah, I'd like to point out just real quick. And then, can I say, I'm sorry, there's the problem. Not Facebook, but what you just said, you fucking, you sidewinder.

I got more dick. trickster. No, you know. This is what you're pissed off about. Sorry. I got a whole fucking page of shit. No, go ahead. What a serious. Look, I just want to say that my friend, he runs a website. It's called actionfiguretherapy.com. I want to give him this plug because Facebook fucked his

small business. He used to get a lot of organic reach. His articles would always get seen on people's news feeds. But Facebook won't show his articles unless he buys a shitload of ads. There's apparently like some number you have to hit. Like he has to buy like X, Y, and Z amount of Facebook

advertising or he's just not going to show up in people's feeds. So now he has to spend money to be seen to make money and it's really hurting his business. Right. Yeah, there's a video on YouTube called The Problem with Facebook. It's actually by a buddy mine who runs this channel Veritasium. He did this interesting study about Facebook and he looked at, well, it's not quite a study. He just looked at the Facebook business model and found that it's turned everyone into advertisers so their motives are not aligned.

On YouTube, content creators get a portion of the advertising. revenue and Google also makes a portion of that advertising revenue. So all of their motivations are in alignment. But on Facebook, they're not. Facebook is trying to get money out of you. They're basically using the GeoCities model, which is a failed model. Every time a website on GeoCities back in the day got a burst of traffic, Yahoo would shut down that website and say, you need to pay us extra money. Oh, really? Yeah. I don't know. For bandwidth or some shit. So Yahoo, rather than just simply monetize the traffic that's already to come to their fucking website, They'd shut it off so nobody would see this amazing content

until they squeezed a couple of dimes out of the poor kid in someone's basement. That's how I started out. There's just some kid in my parents' basement. Literally, I am the cliche internet guy. I was 16 years old when I started my website in my parents' basement. If that happened to me, I would have never gotten this far. I would have been just another one of these websites that were shut down, and that's exactly what Facebook's doing to kids all around the world today

by eliminating organic reach. but that's not even the biggest problem. I decided one day to experiment with paying for this organic reach, inorganic reach, rather, and I decided, you know, I'll check out the sponsored content. You just have to pay and pay and pay to reach people, and there's no guarantee you'll ever reach them, and there's an enormous amount of fraud, click fraud, that goes on on Facebook. There's a bunch of, yeah, there's a bunch of Nigerian scammers

and people in Indonesia who have set up these click farms that just go through and click on everything in Facebook to inflate those numbers artificially. Sure. Those clicks mean nothing. They give you nothing. They don't return any results. Yeah, it was some ridiculous percentage, like 20 or 40% of, like, all clicks are fake or something like that.

Yeah, it was ridiculous. Yeah. Here's another problem with Facebook. They customize your news feed algorithmically. So let's say you, God forbid, click on an article to, oh, I don't know, Breitbart or the Huffington Post or Salon or Newsmax, right? They might think, oh, well, this guy's a liberal or a conservative, and that's all they'll ever fucking show you. They'll create an echo chamber of your own opinions.

Yeah. Yeah. I want to point this out, though, counterpoint. Facebook allows us to look at pictures of hot chicks that we went to college with. There we go, counterpoint, because your topic's so fucking big. Yeah, exactly. Like, I don't do this personally. Yeah.

Because my wife is this. But, you know, if one word to you... I do this. Oh, dick! you do what? Oh, so creepy. That's what Facebook is for. Hitting on hot friends of your friends. That's exactly what it's for. It's for leaving comments

on their walls. Fuck little kids. Fuck kids in their basement, their mom's basement writing satirical articles. If I can hit on hot broads of my friends, that's a win. That's a net positive asshole. And if that 16-year-old could hit on hot girls, he wouldn't have to write comedy articles. He'd be going out

and having a wonderful life. Yeah, and if that 16-year-old didn't write those fucking articles, neither of you two bozos would be listened to by anyone right now. Oh my God, he's got us. Brought it home, boys. All right, so listen to this. It creates an environment

where people thrive on validation. These like, like, like, like, everybody like my status update. So, people... Wait, but you didn't respond to our argument. Oh, the college... Haven't you ever picked up a girl solely on Facebook? Yes.

Like, have you ever not picked up a girl on Facebook? Yeah, isn't that all you do? Like, I mean, come on. Shut up. How many... You know what? Pull out your ancient crank phone right now that probably has a bunch of fucking duct tape on it. Let me see your Facebook messages.

How many on your phone has the last name, Facebook? Exactly. All of them. No, but here's the thing. That's a good thing. That's a good thing. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no.

Look, Facebook is not this bastion of dating. You make it out to me. First of all, Dick, you do it in the creepiest way. You do troll through your friends' feeds. their friends, their friends list, looking for girls. Yeah, like a fucking creep. It's a numbers game. It's a numbers game, man.

You fucking losers. You guys are in Losertown over here. What are you just like hitting up any random chick and just hoping for a little piece of meat. Casanova over here writes them this like big personalized love paragraph. Yeah, how many like templates do you have? Where you just like copy, paste, replace place we met, replace Dave, replace time of day, send. You know, I don't need shit for two people who fucking get off and go into strip clubs. Who cares?

Actually, you guys just, yeah, what? I didn't go to a burlesque club. I went to a burlesque club, and that's the fucking problem. I didn't get to go to a strip club. Yeah, burlesque. You know what? You know what? Here's an argument. Here's a torpedo for you. I wasn't going to torpedo a problem serious, but now what's up. My hole's indestructible. Oh, okay. This is going right in your hole, not your hull.

Yeah. So here's the, here's why burlesque clubs exist. They serve full alcohol, buddy. You can see chicks as naked as they're going. gonna get and you can drink as much as you want. Well, they don't get naked. They're just in their bras and panties. I can get drunk before

I go to the strip club. Yeah. What do you mean? There's an entire industry around that. You take a party bus to a strip club. You get hammered on the bus. You hop out of the bus. You go to the strip club.

And it's also California specific there, pal. I don't know if you want to explain those laws, those California laws. The alcohol? No, it's everywhere. And Utah, it was like that. They didn't serve alcohol. Utah.

Yeah. Utah, where anything goes. In Oregon. The rest of the country, you can drink and get naked. Some places, yes, some places, no. It's different state to state. Yeah. Anyway, guys.

So there's a bias on Facebook. There is a bias on Facebook. Listen, here's the other thing. I am so fucking tired. You guys have seen these status updates because I know we have some of the same mutual friends of how blessed you are. Oh.

I am so fucking tired of hearing how blessed everyone is all the fucking time. Bless, bless, bless. I'm so blessed, guys. I want to point out that any time someone tells me they got a callback, or they just got cast with two lines in fucking Californication or X or Y or Z, I want to smash my computer. Like, that is a problem with Facebook that, like,

the minorest accomplishment you write eight paragraphs about and get a million likes on, and it's disgusting. Well, you misers, uh, thank God, Facebook in its infinite wisdom, has given us the power to block these things. So, one point against Facebook, 1.4 Facebook. No, it doesn't work, dude. Every time I see a BuzzFeed link pop up on Facebook, I click hide, hide, hide, hide, always fucking hide. And it never hides it.

I can't do it. Because guess what, that's also... I try to. Yeah, that's also contrary to their business model, because if those clients pay Facebook, if those clients pay Facebook for sponsored content, they're going to shove it in your fucking face, buddy, because they're going to put the corporate interest over yours every single time. As they should. No. There used to be a button... They have to make money.

No, they should do it in a way that other people have done it. How? How should Facebook make money if we're not doing this? We're advertising. We're advertising. Sell, sell T-shirts, sells Facebook T-shirts all over the internet. They have plenty of advertising. Unblockable advertising, by the way.

Their advertisements are so targeted, they can't make as much money as they can with Google, though. But no, targeting means you can make more money because you're reaching out to specific consumers. If I want to advertise my comic book blog and I'm only advertising it to comic book fans, aren't, isn't that a more valuable ad? How much are you going to pay for those ads? I'm not paying shit. There you go. No, not me.

You know, they should charge, maybe it should be the same type of business model that already fucking works. They're not trying to reinvent capitalism here. They, if big corporations are coming along, like Nike has deep pockets. They should charge them more for the reach for their fans and they should like, Bozo, XYZ running iMockery.com. Like, who cares? They don't have any money.

Come on. Might be the craziest thing I've heard you say. What? Counterpoint. My grandma's on Facebook, and it's adorable. For my birthday, she posted like, happy, yeah, probably. For my birthday, she posted like, happy birthday, grandson, love and God's blessings, grandma. It touched my heart.

And I remember I started thinking, like, oh, my God, this, like, technology is so simple that, like, my grandma who grew up in Portugal can understand, who, like, worked in a watch factory or all life can, like, understand it and use it to reach me. I remember just thinking at the time like, this is the cutest thing I've ever seen. Maybe she's a digital cyber demon. The touching warmth of a loved family member that you would never be able to speak to in the past. Facebook has given you that versus Maddox is annoyed at BuzzFeed articles. All right, dick. I feel like there's a lot of good points to Facebook. I feel like, yeah, there's a bunch of shitty things they do, but there's a lot of good it doesn't.

It connects everyone on the planet, the purpose of technology to bring us together. Facebook does it. No, it fucking doesn't, sucker, sucker dick. It fucking does it. It makes you feel more alone, more isolated, because what Facebook does is it creates an environment where you thrive on validation. All you crave is likes on your status update. Your day can go up and down based on how many likes you get, and it disincentivizes unpopular opinions.

You need to see a psychiatrist. What are he talking about? You should not care about likes that much. No, they've done studies and they found that you get depressed if you don't get more likes and you get these dopamine bursts. That's why Facebook works because people post status updates and they get validation and then they continue down that path of validation. They realize, oh, this outragey type article I'm going to post about a guy wearing a bowling shirt who landed a satellite on a meteor on an asteroid down in space, that outrage article got a whole bunch of likes. So I'm going to continue down that path of outrage and outrage and outrage.

And that's all you ever fucking get from that person until you've got to fucking hide them. It turns us all into like Morton Downey Jr.'s, doesn't it? Yeah. How fucking interesting is that? Explain that. It turns us all into like loud mouths who are like constantly shouting super strong opinions just to get people's attention. I know nothing about that. I can't.

I don't relate. So there's this article. There's a website called Wait But Why. and there's an article, I hate list articles, but this was so well done, I have to bring it in. It's called Seven Ways to Be Insufferable on Facebook. Have you guys heard this? No.

It's actually brilliant. It's a really well-done, well-written article. So here are the seven ways. Number one, bragging status updates. So this is all I ever see. These seven status updates I'm about to read to you are all I ever see on Facebook. It's the type of status update that starts out with something like,

I'm living the best life. Guess who's got an awesome job? Guess where I'm traveling? Guess what celebrity I'm with? Or you get the humble brags. Things like, man, the keg backstage of this concert has run dry. Cool.

Sounds like, I'm happy when my friends are having a good time. Yeah, no, you... Yeah, isn't it? Isn't everyone who isn't a total prick? Yeah. Says a guy whose name is Dick. So number two, you get the other kind of insufferable status update. Cryptic cliffhangers.

Oh, God, I hate that. Yeah. That's it, guys. I've had it with today. but they'll end it there, right? They want the attention, they're craving that attention, but they're just going to leave you hanging, like, hanging, like you're just like hanging off of their every word,

waiting for them to give you a little nugget of how bad their day was. Tell us, tell us how bad your day was. Oh, please. I've hit on a lot of girls with that status. I know, Dick, you're fucked, you're fucked. That's a great time to get them. They're so vulnerable. Oh, yeah.

They answer back immediately. Oh, my gosh. Good man. Yeah, oh, man. I aspire to be more like Dick. Thank you. I want to say my least favorite status update is leaving Facebook for a while. You know, reach me on my cell if you're my real friend.

It's like, fuck you. Like, you want attention out of this attention machine that you say you hate. It's just like, shut the fuck up. Yeah, it's the nuclear attention graph. Yes, exactly. Uh-huh. Please come back to Facebook. And then, of course, there are the literal status updates.

Hey, guys, going to the gym. Or finally taking a break to get some dinner. Thanks for the update. Nobody gives a fuck. Not even your mom cares. Come on. Speaking of moms, Facebook has removed the need to call your parents so often and talk to them because they can just follow you on Facebook. Do your parents follow you on Facebook?

Yeah, of course. Oh. Another win in the Facebook column. Actually, let me follow that up with something else adorable. So my mom loves playing Candy Crush and she will text me at 4. I am sometimes and be like, can you send me a life so I can keep playing Candy Crush. Yeah, sounds like, I will do it. And I will, I'll be like, absolutely. Like, you've given me so much. At least I can just give you a Candy Crush life so you can keep playing. And it's this

connection that my mom and I have forged over video games that would, I would not have known about if it wasn't for Facebook. And I also think it's super adorable. Yeah, I used to, I used to do that with moms back in the day on Yahoo games. And it was just fine. And you know what was beautiful about it? They weren't following me. So I could. I can post about going to a burlesque club or a strip club, or I can post about how shitty my opinions are. And I don't have to worry about alienating my work colleagues, my real-life friends, my family. They don't have to know. In fact, they can check it out on this website called The Best Page in the Universe.

And I know, I know I don't have to worry about my closest friends and family getting offended. They don't have to see my shitty opinions because I never post them on Facebook. But people who don't have the luxury of having a website where they can put their shitty opinions like me can't. and they have their parents following them like, dick. Well, that's false, actually, because Facebook lets you make groups of your friends that you can choose to selectively share your status updates with. I think someone who, like, builds their own computer

would take the time to construct these lists. I have, and it is painstaking. It is so gruelingly difficult. Oh, God, you know what? Look, I'm actually on both of your sides of this one. I have, like, a list for my workmates. I have a list for my family. I have a list for my humorless family.

I have two separate family lists, Some of them can take a joke and some of them can't. But there's always that one person that you forgot to add to the list. Right. And you post that one political thing. And then it's like, oh, shit, I forgot to add my uncle to the family list. And now every time I go to Christmas, he's like, so you think global warming is real, huh? Well, let me give you 800.

Facts about why it's not. I'm like, oh, God damn it, Facebook, you fuck me. Yep, that always happens and variably happens. I've alienated some of my own family members because I have this, I have a, someone in my family who's very anti-gay marriage. So I confronted her about it one time, just once. And I just asked her, hey, if you're trying to strengthen marriage, why aren't you opposed to divorce?

And, you know, that shut the conversation down. You know, you guys, I think you should just think about the things you're going to say before you say them. I don't want to. Think if it's true and if it's kind and if it's... I'm trying to remember this stupid acronym that I saw on Facebook. It's like, think before you say everything and it's got a dumb agitator. for every letter. It would save me so much time

if you did that on this podcast. So here's another one, another type of insufferable status update. The inexplicably public, private message. I miss you. When are we going to hang out? On someone's wall,

so everybody sees it, and you see that communication pop up in your news feed. Having a great weekend with my two girls, Julie and Emily at the cabin. Love my girls. Hashtag fun times.

Dick, have you messes Julie and Emily yet? No, I'm going to write them down. All right, good. Great. The Oscar acceptance speech. This is the type of status update I was referring to the first. 2012 was a big year for me.

I left my amazing job at NBC to move back to Chicago. I started dating my angel, Jamie. I started yoga. Thanks, Jake and Jonah. I wrote an album with Matthew Johnson. I wrote another album that I'm proud of. I got to hang out with Owen Wilson, and I worked with Will Ferrell on an amazing project.

I drank the best orange juice I've ever. ever had. That's a real status update? Yeah, that's a real status update. That's paraphrased from this website. But yeah, that's a real status update. I got the douche chills. Yeah.

That's rough shit. I get that all the fucking time. And then it always talks about how fucking blessed they are. I don't give a shit. I've hidden people just because they say they're blessed all the time. Makes me want to barf. Number six. I've hidden so many people that it's just my grandma now.

Yeah. And she talks about how blessed she is and I'm like, you are blessed, grandma. I love you. And God loves you too. Seriously, that is so adorable. Number six is the incredibly obvious opinion. So something terrible happens, like the Boston Marathon bombing or something, or, you know, even if, remember when the New York,

New York had a blackout a little while back a couple of years ago, all these people started flooding Facebook with comments for people in New York who couldn't fucking read them because they are in a blackout, you fucking apes. They would say things like, my thoughts and prayers for everyone suffering from the blackout in New York. Wow, I'm sure they'll appreciate it in four days when their power comes back on, When they get on Twitter.

You think that matters to anyone? It's not, and that status update is not about people suffering from a blackout. That's about you. You want to seem like somebody who cares. You want to seem like somebody who's in it. Yeah, but it's just, they would say that to their friends if they were together with them. No, they wouldn't. You wouldn't phrase it this way.

You wouldn't say, hey, guys, attention. My thoughts and prayers are with the people in New York who are suffering from a blackout. If someone said that to me, they wouldn't finish it because they'd have to talk through my fist in their mouth. You know, if they weren't saying it on Facebook, they would say it on MySpace, or they would say it on Friendster. Like, a lot of this shit isn't a problem with Facebook. It's that people are duchess. That's a good point, Stereo.

It has nothing to do with Facebook. Facebook isn't the problem. Yeah, well, if it was, if MySpace was bigger, that's what this problem would be. If it was any of it's Friendster, if it was, Icy Cube, whatever it was, I'd be talking about that today. But it's Facebook, unfortunately. And then the final type of dushy status update. is the steps towards enlightenment. When people talk about,

hey guys, I've had this epiphany, or they'll start quoting quotes from Buddha or Jesus or Martin Luther King or Dalai Lama or whatever the fuck it is, it's some inspirational fucking quote that they're shoving down your throat all the time because they are enlightened. And what that is, again,

it's not about helping you, it's about seeming cool and seeming like they have it together. That's what that is. Dick, please go fuck those girls. For all the married guys like me You can't do it. That's like a big flashing target.

That's like when a Star Fox villain is like head is glowing. It's like, I better shoot that head. Right here. So all the motivations for these types of status updates, they boiled them down to these five motivations. Number one is image crafting. Nobody posts the real slice of their life on Facebook. Or very few people do.

It's always image crafting. They're creating a super edit of your life where everything is cool and awesome and you're having fun all the time. Yeah, but that's like a scrapbook also. Yeah. Yeah, but the difference is The difference is The difference is

The scrapbook stays I mean When like you go over to Grandma's house And she's like You want to check out the scrapbook Do you start screaming at her? This is not an accurate representation

This is selective editing Where's grandpa stroke? How come that doesn't have eight pages? How come there's no pictures of you taking a shit? Yeah, you don't have to see that shit It's hidden in grandma's closet If Facebook was hidden there

I'd be fucking happy. Well, it is. It's a computer. Just. Stop going to it. Can't help it. It's the only way people go to websites. It's the only way you can get traffic anymore because it's ubiquitous.

Everyone's on it all the fucking time. Google does the same shit, though. Like Google controls what you see. No, no, it's totally different. Google does, but it's based... I agree that Facebook is much worse. Yeah, Google at least does it in an algorithmic way that drives traffic to your website if people think it's worth clicking on.

And they do that by linking to it and creating these actual network. networks, these pathways on the internet to your website. And the stronger those connections are, the more trustworthy website is, there's a lot of factors that go into Google. It's totally different than Facebook. Tubes. They're like big tubes. The stronger the tube is a whole series of them, in fact. It's like a big truck. Yeah. Thanks, I heard you. Yeah. Thanks. Narcissism. That's another motivation for Facebook. Opinionated, bloviating, like your insights and philosophies on life matter. Unlike podcasts. Yeah. The purest form of expression.

Here's how you know when your opinions matter. When people listen to them. Okay? If they're not clicking like, if they're not posting comments on Facebook, you should probably stop. No one cares. Wow,

the room got really quiet on that one. That's kind of sad, isn't it? That resonates with me because it's like sometimes I'll post a tweet or a Facebook thing, and it won't get a bunch of likes, and I will have thought it's funny, and then I will delete it.

Oh, there you go. So validation is changing your content. Look, I'm saying, agree with that. It's like, it's dumb, it's stupid, it makes me weaker as an artist, but at the same time, I do it. I'm not proud of it. Yeah, you know what? As serious, I'm right there with you. I've done it too. I've posted things and I think, well, nobody liked that one. I got to delete. Yeah, I guess it wasn't good. And it's like, well, what about my opinion? But it doesn't matter anymore because I can't quantify my opinion. No, you can't. And you get that instant validation.

And you get those dopamine spikes and you get depressed when you don't, when they don't get that validation. Yeah, today a buddy of mine retweeted a tweet I wrote and it got me like all these new followers and every five minutes I'm checking my phone. I'm like, oh, how many do I have now? It's like, it's like a fucking slot machine. Which is also based on those dopamine hits of like, oh, we'll give you a little bit, we'll give you a little bit, we'll take, we'll take, we'll take. Yeah. Man, if you guys had to lose votes as often as I do on this show, I think you'd kill yourselves. I don't give a fuck. Like me, don't like me, I don't give a shit. I'll leave it up. Yeah.

You seem to give a shit at the beginning of every episode. Yeah. When you buy that you lost and you flip the fucking table. How many of these tables have you bought? This one has a whole punch through it. Seriously, you still don't understand. Nothing dick says matters. That's a good point, actually.

Right. He's made of pure and sincerity. He is, he is. The final two ones, attention, craving is one other status. That's the friend of yours who is saying, hey, guys, I'm leaving Facebook forever. Text me if you care about me. Yeah.

Then jealousy-inducing, that's the, That has to do with image crafting. Jealousy inducing? Yeah. Those are the ones where you're always posting pictures of you at the club or at a pool or whatever. Did Hannibal Lecter write this list? It's very negative. What about like wanting to bond with people over similar experiences?

Is that not on there? They said that the only type of unannoying Facebook status... So there are some unannoying Facebook status updates. Here's what they define them as. Anything, they can be one of two things. They need to be either interesting and informative or they need to be funny, amusing, or entertaining. That's the only type of status update that they think are unannoying on Facebook. Who's they?

A bunch of robots? No, the article. The author of this article. Haven't you become real-life friends with people over social media? Oh, yeah. I've made some of my best friends in real life just people I meant. That's the thing. It's like that's one of the things Facebook gives us.

That's the way we do it now. But I used to do it before without that. It just, it's fine. Yeah, but it's Facebook now. You used to listen to the radio and then you watch TV. Like, you know, just time has moved on. You fucked up, you made your problem too broad. If your problem was this algorithm thing,

if your problem was like Facebook's fucking over content creators and small businesses, I would be completely on board. Or Facebook narcissism. That's another good one. I would hate that. Yeah, wait, what? Or Maddox is addicted to Facebook. What?

That would be a big thing. That would be a big problem. Oh, the like thing? No, I've actually... Like culture. You could call it like that. Like culture. Exactly.

I actually did a talk in New York for Internet Week a couple years ago, and they brought me out to talk about this very subject. The name of the talk, I think, was, is validation changing content on the Internet? And it absolutely is. It makes us censor ourselves. So, Stereos, maybe that comment that you posted was really brilliant, and nobody liked it because it was targeted to people

who didn't quite understand the level of genius that was in that comment. That'll never be there. It's deleted from the records. It's struck from the records. No one will ever see that. I agree that that's my failing as a creative person, but I do that on Twitter too and on Tumblr and on Reddit. And it's like...

And in real life. And in real life, yeah. If I tell a joke on stage and it doesn't do well, I may not tell it again, even though there might have been something there. Like, it's not... It's this Facebook thing's too broad. Yeah, I think you guys are too broads. Too hot broads.

Hello. What did you guys hit on each other? My medics. What? Oh, that was you? Well, that was you serious! You got my hopes up like that. I had a girlfriend.

So lonely. Sorry, sucker. Yeah. I'll see you at the burlesque club. Oh, and guys, this is the final motivation for Facebook status updates. It's loneliness, which is kind of sad, but sometimes people are just acted lonely on Facebook. But it also spreads their sadness. So you just, like, feel bad for somebody.

Because sometimes I'll roll over in bed at 3 in the morning. I can't sleep. I'll just look at my phone. I'll glance and I'll see my other friend at 3 in the morning. can't sleep either in like three, four states away. And she's just talking about how bored and depressed she is, going to a diner by herself drinking coffee. I'm like, oh, God, that bums me out.

Well, I can't do it. Yeah. And then there's no way, like, if you post any kind of tragic news, like your grandpa passed away or something, your dog just got run over, then inevitably, like, someone clicks like on it. And they, you know that their intent is not that they like that you lost your dog, in most cases.

Although my friend one time posted that he was sick and I click like and I meant it. You know what? Without Facebook, there would be no societally acceptable way to message girls out of the blue on their birthday and try to set up a date with them. That's right. That's right. Just don't be a creep. What's creepy about that? Just happy birthday.

And a smiley face. Yeah. Happy birthday. Maybe. Okay. There it is. There it is. What are you going to say to serious? Oh, just that I met my, my wife and I got, like, we met once at a party, but then, like, Twitter is kind of where the courtship happened. Like, we were tweeting at each other,

we sent each other to Facebook messages, and, like, we got married. Like, it's not all terrible. Like, a lot of good shit happens, too. Dix's constantly getting laid. But my friend with the engagement ring that I talked about, they met on Facebook because I made him get a Facebook account. he immediately reconnected with her from high school, boom, married. But I guess I cost him $1,000 too. So maybe that's a watch. Frozen cards. You know, guys, I've made some of my best friends.

I've met people on Facebook. But before that, I've also dated people I've met on Facebook. It's been great for stuff like that. But it's, I don't think it's because of Facebook. I think it's in spite of Facebook. I used to meet those people. I used to meet those people on IRC. I used to meet those people in chat rooms, on forums.

Sometimes it'd be... But you couldn't browse through all their photos on IRC? And you had to... You had to take their word for it. Exactly. I would ask... You know what? Nine-year-old woman, huh?

You could send people pictures back and forth back in the day. Yeah, of someone else. Exactly. I can take things of a super hot lady called Big Boos Bikini, you. Oh, that was you, Sirios. I'm still hurt. All right, let's wrap this up. What were you guys' problems?

I had engineering sexism. My problem is burlesque dance. And my problem was Facebook. The real winner. Don't listen to these two broads. Oh, just before I split, the comedy publishing outfit that I'm a part of, Devastated Press. First of all, I want to say, thanks to everyone that bought my book,

The Enemies of 20-something Mega Man. That was totally awesome. Like a shitload of people bought the book thanks to your guys' podcast, where I really appreciate it. We have a new book out. It's called Gross Lumps, and it's a Goose Bumps parody written by like P.F. Clom. or something like that.

We all wrote little goosebumps parody stories for it. It's a book of short stories. I wrote a book called My Parents, Divorced Lawyers are Aliens. And so you pick up the book. It's called Gross Lumps at Devastatedpress.com. You can read my story. You can read stories about haunted tiki bras that make girls' boobs too big. Whoa, whoa. Stop. Stop. Stop there.

that is really scary. I'm sold. Everybody sold. That is so funny. Check it out. Seriously. Yeah. And thank you, by the way. I got your 20. enemies of 20-something Mega Man last time. It was so funny reading through.

Yeah, and guys, if you still haven't checked it out, you're fucking up in your life. Check this out. And I also want to say, I also want to plug Devastated Press because I've actually, they've published some of my work. I forget the episode, but I wrote something,

and I'm also working on a piece for the December issue, which is a horror themed. I don't know if that's a spoiler. No, it's okay. Yeah. We gotta get you in there. Yeah. Yeah. All right.

All right, Dick. I will set it up. Very enthused, very enthused. Anyway, guys, Devastatorspress.com. And check out a series to work, gross lobs, right? Yeah, gross lumps and the enemies of 20-something mega-man. And thank all of you. I really like you guys. Thank you so much.

And thank you, too, too. Thank you for coming on. Yeah, thank you for coming on. And you are our first ever repeat guest. Yeah. So, again, don't forget, guys, vote on the Facebook problem. Face wickets. Thanks, guys.

Facebook is life. That was great. Oh my God. That was fucking awesome. Good job, guys.