The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 28

Episode Date: May 3, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe. I'm Maddox. With me is Dick Masterson. Hey, what's up, buddy? And Sean, our audio engineer. Welcome back, Sean. Thank you very much. What were you doing, Sean?

Were you farming more ass? No, it was really weird. I actually got invited to a party, and then I woke up at Bill Cosby's house, wearing a... All right. Right off the bat. All right.

Move on, Maddox. Last week was a very exciting week with your gigantic softball of a problem that you brought in. Yeah, I got a softball for you. I got a couple you can put in your mouth. Hey, listen, Dick, look, no one won last week because it's not a contest. Uh-oh.

It's never been a contest because it doesn't make sense to say who wins between toothpicks and, I don't know, say bullhorns. Okay, so who didn't win last week then? Should we start there? You didn't win with engineering sexism. Oh, yeah. I actually blew you out, asshole. Yeah.

I saw those votes. I killed you. I creamed you. Okay, I got an impromptu Dick versus Dick. weren't you saying, weren't you calling shenanigans and saying that was a vote grab? Yeah. And your Facebook problem was a vote grab. And you were wrong.

And everybody agreed with me. So can we, we agree that you're wrong? That was not a vote. I win. There we go. So someone in the comment said that I shouldn't gloat so much when I win. Oh, oh yeah. And he had a point, except I had already written this song about winning.

Fuck you. I win. You know what's great about that song. as it's so short, you can hear it twice. F-and-safeel. Feels good, man. Feels good. Thank you.

Bravo, Dick. Real good. Real funny. Real funny joke. I love that song. Real funny. I fucking love it. You know what?

You know what, Dick? I don't have anything prepared right at this fucking moment, but you're going to get yours. Okay? You're going to get yours. The next episode, you're going to hear it. Oh, yeah? It's coming. Speaking of having things prepared, I got something else prepared for you.

Oh. Madax laughs to argument. Who would be the next talking? Dick boys is. be on from here in Tennessee Oh yeah We're in a championship That's right

What the podcast That's the biggest problems In the universe How big of a loser Can Maddix pot Is it beat Back here would Cry baby

And this belly be Well mark this down In the fucking snake I don't know This is the motherfucking champ It's true Madex Now he names take A supplement

It's okay man What the fuck is the What is this? Turn this, I'm gonna cut the court Cut the Court. Cancel this episode Cancel the show Cancel everything

That's it That's all the songs I have First of all, fuck you to that guy. And second, that's fucking awesome. Who did that? This dude. I'll put his name on the... I'll put his name in the post.

That's one of my favorite... What's the guy? Faromanch? Faramonk? I don't know how to pronounce it. Ferramanch, I think. He did that Godzilla drop, that Godzilla mix.

It's so fucking cool. And it was from the movie Boiler Room. Well, they played it during the soundtrack. I think during the credits. It's a fucking cool. Dude, thanks for doing that. For the wrong fucking reason. I hate that guys, but love that guy.

That was incredible. songs. Talented people. No, those are shit songs. You're going to get your so hard dick. Okay. And then what was the next problem? What was second place? Facebook. Okay. Mouthful. I have some sounds and music too. And then, uh, Stios with his burlesque dancers problem with negative one votes. Yeah. I looked at, I looked at that one. That, so he got over 2,000 votes on that problem. Yeah.

Making that problem the most controversial problem we've ever had on this show, because it's at exactly zero. That means as many people disagree with him as agree with him. Yeah. It's a big problem. It's the most controversial problem in the universe. Burlesque dancers. Right at zero.

You know what? You know what, Dick, your, what was it, the masseuse problem, your horse shit masseuse problem that you brought in? No-at-All masseuses. Yeah, no-it-all-missuses. That's been near zero for a couple of weeks. or if not months. So I would check the stats on that.

You might want to check the stats. I got a stats for you. Anyway, Dick, I got a comment from Sarah Hoffman about your problem that you brought in, which, you know, by the way, speaking of vote grabs. So she said, as a female mechanical engineer, I think the bowling shirt is rad. Yeah. Yeah. So do we, Sarah.

It's not a big deal. I also got one from Megan Panic. She's the one who's been doing the transcriptions with Lori Foster. Thank you, Megan. She said, she quoted that guy from the article. And by the way, it was a guy who wrote that article, that outrage article. Oh, yeah, I knew that. Did I phrase it wrong during the show? You may have mentioned it.

So she quoted him. She said, they, the women, hear comments about bitches while being at bars with fellow science students. And then they decided to change majors. So she quoted him and she said, this has never happened. Anyone that easily offended wouldn't be able to make it out of their house, let alone all the way into a bar. Yeah, no. I got one from Curtis Hodak. If your life plan loses to a shirt, you fucking suck.

Also, it's great that a shirt is the biggest problem. Also, it's great that a shirt is the biggest problem you face in life. Real adversity would destroy you. Yeah. I got one from Christy Chapman. The most offensive thing about the whole bowling shirt thing is that the verge, that's the website that published that article, thinks that because of my boobs, I should be offended by some guy's shirt.

And by the way, the guy didn't have boobs. He's not, since when, who appointed this guy to be the spokesperson for women to be offended for them? I don't know. He's not qualified. There's only one qualification you need to be offended as a woman, and that's being a woman. That's a good point. He failed 100% of the qualifications. Yeah.

He failed that test. I got one from Sword and Inc. on Twitter. At Dick Masterson, congratulations at Plant. That's the guy who wrote the article, Chris Plant. Chris Plant. Hope that clickbait made you rich, you rat piece of shit. I don't know, yeah. That's pretty concise.

You're stored an ink. What's he? In 1920s gangster? You're a rat piece of shit. Yeah. Yeah, so should we get to the problem? Do you have any more comments? No, I got some voicemails.

Let's hear the voicemails. Well, people have been reacting to your dick versus dick comments. Yeah, great. There comes to Maddox or his Maddox. I'm waiting for it. Hold on, yeah. I think, quote-on-quote, 2004 Mattox is really dick, and a pussy attempt to counter Dick versus Dick.

You're the good idea, Dick. Listen to your own fucking podcast. Make sure you don't say something contrary to yourself. And Dick versus Dick will go the fuck away. And so this pussy has to attempt at 2004 Madog. I never understood one guy, a few voicemails ago on one of your episode, wanted a body slamming through a table. And, you know, until 2004 Maddox came on.

And now I totally fucking get it. And now I totally want a fucking body slamming through a table after I set you on fucking fire, you passive pussy. And yeah, I know that set me on fire. too, but guess what? That's true. Contradicted himself in this voicemail. Two thousand format off, you, bitch.

See, it's hard not to contradict yourself. You didn't make it 40 seconds there, buddy, without contradicting yourself. I'm not 2004 Maddox. Are you sure? No, I'm not. It's a guy by the name of Matthew Guerrero. He says it in the comments. Yeah.

What? He think that was you when you called into that voice? Yeah, he thought that was me calling in as 2004 you. Oh, no. Funny bit, but I didn't think of it. Yeah, I'm way less subtle. Yeah. Yeah.

My bits are more like this. Okay, fucking tire of the shit. Turn that off. I'm gonna fucking break that fucking iPad. I'm so pissed. I do have this one. Is it Maddox versus Maddox? Hey, Dick and Maddox, man,

here. Long time. I'm saying about you guys, uh, loving the podcast. I gotta say, though, Dick versus Dick is a bullshit segment. That's true.

Fucking, here's some Maddox versus Maddox for you. Great. The only thing you splurge on Maddo are travel and good food, but you're willing to rail on people who spend a little bit of extra money on wine and steak. Yeah.

Fuck you. Oh, fuck you. What are you just say about that? Yeah, that's it. That's his whole entire argument. No, there's more. No, I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear it.

No, too. Facebook. Back in a technology matting. You're too lazy to use the cumbersome features. You know what? If you're too, and you can't figure out the features on Facebook, I don't know how the fuck you expect to use an Android or code your own website. That's just fucking retarded.

Yeah. Fucking retarded. Wow. Great argument, dude. You know what? Why don't you figure out. how to use your cell phone, so it doesn't sound like shit. I was going to say, the fucker's too lazy to roll up his window and take it off speakerphone.

Yeah, take it off fucking speakerphone and get out of the, what is he standing in a tin can talking to us? That fucking idiot? I don't need lectures from this jackass, this bozo who doesn't understand technology. He doesn't even understand how to not make his voice not sound shitty. We've had people calling to the show who are older, younger. We had a three-year-old on last time. He sounded pretty good. Sounded crystal clear.

What's your problem, dipshit? And he was in Ireland, no less. What's that? Like a billion miles away? One billion miles away. Point, counterpoint. My name's Ryan from Pennsylvania, and I hate Amish people. They are the true biggest problem in the universe, and I'm sure that you'll get to them eventually. Maybe. I just wanted to say that I love the show. Thanks for doing it.

Maddoch, you are killing it with the Dick versus Dick segment. It's a good thing that all your arguments are rock solid and that you're invulnerable to contradiction. Okay. I think might actually have some ammo to fire back at you. On a side note, I want to congratulate you for doing the right thing, in the Jennifer Lawrence's Tits episode and taking a stand against victim blaming, which is a huge problem in modern culture.

Yeah. Way to go. I know that you personally would never blame the victim for being the victim of a crime. Oh, boy, here we go. It's just a random example. Like, if people on the subway were getting their beats by Dre headphones stolen.

Oh, that was hilarious! I know that you were playing the criminal who perpetrated the theft and not the guy wearing the headphones in the first place. Stupid though they may be. So thanks for being consistent and level ahead of every episode.

Thank you. Great work. You know, fuck that guy. He's full of shit. Look, that guy's not a. victim, we're the victim, okay? If somebody's in the subway yelling at someone else and someone stands up and punches him, I wouldn't say, oh man, that poor victim got punched.

I'd say, no, someone stopped that transgression against everyone else in the subway. Oh, yeah, okay, I see what you're saying now. I understand now. I understand, yeah, he made the first blow on us by wearing the beats in the first place. Yeah. It's a good point. Here's another one. Oh, but Sanchez sent these in, I think.

Oh, Butt Sanchez, my favorite. Our buddy Butte Sanchez. Yeah. Was he half a chlamydia now? Hey, you see a guy drinking a cold glass of fireball whiskey in the bar? That's me, not giving a fuck. Right? That's what a real man does.

He drinks what he wants to. It's not a popularity contest. You remember saying that? Yeah, I remember saying that. Not a big deal. I stand behind it. It's one of the few spicy things that you can drink without looking like an asshole. Because if you're at a bar at night drinking a Bloody Mary, you're a dick.

Like some jerk off. Oh, who's that jerk off over there with a fucking... vegetable tray in his drink. Yeah. Which one is it, Maddox? I didn't contradict myself. I don't drink spicy drinks at night in the bar, like a Bloody Mary. Actually, no, that's not true. I do, but not Bloody Mary's.

Bloody Mary's a fucking salad that you can drink. It's also a hamburger. It can also have hamburgers in it. It can be. But it's a fun, silly thing to do on a brunch date when you have a chick with you, you wake up the next morning, you want to keep drinking, but also not look like an an asshole day drinking. So that's what you drink.

It's a Bloody Mary. You don't drink that at night at a bar. I didn't cut drinking myself. I'll drink hot sauce. Well, fucking, is that a hot sauce comment? No, I think his point was, you drink Fireball because you don't care what people think about you, yet you can't drink a Bloody Mary at night

because then people think you're an asshole. I don't care if people think I'm an asshole. I'm just telling you what you look like. So drink whatever you want. Great. That's the lesson we love to. I do. Should we get to the problems?

Yeah, what do you got this week? I've got. Here comes, by the way, this is our 100th problem. Did you know that? I'm going first. Shit! You know, Dick, in the comments last time, too, a lot of people were commenting about that. They said that we've got 99 problems, but the biggest problem ain't one.

Right. That's kind of funny. Do you want to go first? You bet. You fucking asshole. My first problem this week is for our 100th problem. What a fucking asshole. Can you believe that?

I should have said the problem first and then said that was the 100th. I knew I should have done that. Fuck you, Maddox. Mandatory holiday shifts. God damn it. Oh, thank you, Maddox. Yeah, that is a big problem. Mandatory holiday shifts.

Dick, you know what this is, right? So, this is essentially an employer telling their employees that they have to work on a holiday. What do you think about that? Yeah, it's no big deal. If you have a problem with that, get a better job. Great. I knew you were going to say that. It's part of work.

Yeah. Oh, sorry, what else do you want off? Or should we give you your birthday off? Do you want Halloween, the holiday off? Go to work. You're lucky you have a job. If your employer can make you show up to work on a holiday, you're lucky to be working there because you don't have skills. Great, great.

That's it. Here's why your birthday shouldn't be off because it's not a national holiday, Dick. We have a standard, and it's called national holidays. You have those off, and you don't have off bullshit made-up holidays like your birthday. It's not a holiday. So that's why people – and what if you're in Oklahoma? Let me give you an example. There's this guy from Yahoo.

This was a Yahoo News article. he said one employee said human resources has told them if you do not come to work on Thanksgiving, you will automatically be fired. Good. What if you live in Oklahoma and there are no other jobs and that's pretty much it? And you have no choice.

But the employer has forced you to come in on these holidays so you have no time off. You're getting paid. Well, they're paying them the normal rate. The argument's been made that they're being paid time and a half. That's not true. They shouldn't be paid time and a half. It's a normal day.

It doesn't matter that federal employees have it off. It's still a day just like any other. Do you take days off? Do you take days off, Dick? Um... I mean, other than, like, the constant days off you've taken and not preparing for the show. What do you mean, do I take days off? Do you take days off?

Do you take any time off from work? Of course. Why? Because it's work. By definition, it's labor. I like to relax. Oh, you like to relax? Yeah.

You like to have some time off? Yeah. Yeah. What do you do in your time off, dick? Jerk off mostly? Yeah. Watch Netflix. Mm-hmm.

Eat expensive steaks. Harass women on Facebook. You harass women everywhere. Yeah. Yeah. So the things that you like to do that makes you, you, you're allowed to do because you have time off. What if suddenly, because of some circumstance, your employer or whatever circumstances came up in your life, you weren't able to take any more time off?

Any more time off? That's not the problem you're bringing none. This is mandatory holiday working. They still have normal working hours. This is part of their normal shift. This is not part of their normal shift. It absolutely is. So they're forcing them to come in above and beyond 40 hours a week?

Well, they open at weird hours. They're going to be open at like 6 a.m. I think Kmart is opening at 6 a.m. on Thanksgiving. Yeah. You think that's normal. That's fine. That's part of the job. If you're taking a retail job,

when you sign up to work at Kmart or Walmart or a toy store around Christmas like I did when I was a kid, part of that job, part of taking that job, realizing that you're going to have to work on holidays. Dick, the reason this is news right now, this year, more than any other. Walmart, for example, has always been open. I think for over 20 years since 1988, they've been open on Thanksgiving. It's not a big deal, right?

Not news. But the reason it's news now is because a lot of other companies are doing that. So if you took that job with the expectation of having to work on Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Year's Eve, that's a different story. But not this about-switch, midstream bullshit that they're pulling, just like telephone companies when they decide, oh, hey, you've already signed the contract? Guess what? No more unlimited minutes.

No more unlimited data. That's bullshit. If you go in with that expectation, that's a different story. But they're switching the contract midstream. They're switching expectations midstream. I don't have a problem with it. Of course not, Dick. Of course.

Why not? It's because you're working a normal day. You're working. You got to put in your hours, man. It sucks, but it's an incentive to get out of that shitty job. Go become a manager. Go back to school. go to ITT Tech, learn air conditioning repair, do something to get out of that situation.

Empower yourself. Oh, sure. Great. Become a manager. Let's just like magic some management jobs. The rarest type of job in any kind of clerical industry. Hey, sorry, man, life's competitive. I got bad news for you.

Some people get shit on. And they're working on Thanksgiving. Right. You know, some of the malls are starting to open on Thanksgiving from 6 p.m. to 11 p.m. Like for 4. AM to 11 p.m.? You're saying? Or after six?

Well, unless this is a typo in the article, this is from the New York Times, they said from 6 p.m. to 11 p.m. So they're having like extended hours. No, I think it's just four hours, according to this. Oh, that's weird. That is really weird. You know, the only thing more depressing

than having to work on Thanksgiving is being in a mall on Thanksgiving. Yeah. At least the employees are paid to be there. You're volunteering your time to be in that shit hole. Like when you're hanging out in those malls on Thanksgiving Day. When you're going shopping? Yeah.

Which, by the way, I need to explain this for people who aren't American. We have this holiday called Thanksgiving. We take it off and have turkey. That's it. Yeah. Yeah. Not a big deal. So if you had to miss it to go to work, it wouldn't be a big problem.

Here's another quote. Walmart officials say that they're doing consumers a favor by opening on Thanksgiving. To reduce the long lines that have upset many shoppers on Black Friday. Walmart announced on Tuesday that it would spread Black Friday over five days. Oh. Oh. That's good. Yeah. It's bullshit is what it is, Dick. Because this isn't for consumers, right? That's fucking bullshit. You know that's bullshit. It's not for consumers. It totally is for... Go ahead. Go ahead. But I do think it's for consumers. It's not. It's for their bottom line. You can't spread Black Friday over five days because Friday isn't five days long. It's one day long by definition. It has the word day right in the title. Friday. One. Singular. And the reason Black Fridays, door busting sales, exists is to get people in the store to get them pumped up and buy other products. If you spread it out over five days that defeats the purpose. Of getting people in the door?

Well, yeah. I disagree because it's chaos on Blackfrey. If they spread it out and get the same amount of people in, like, if they spread it out a little bit over time, then that's good for them. Well, the only reason people stand in line and they have those doorbuster sales is because they have those ridiculous red herring sales. And people want to grab those as quickly as possible. I've actually been to Black Friday sales. So Black Friday, for those who don't know, is usually, they call it Black because it's the first time a many retailers start to turn a profit throughout the year. And that's why they say they're in the black when they're profitable.

And they do this the Friday after Thanksgiving. That's where Black Friday came from. But the reason that that exists is the doorbuster sale. The reason the doorbuster sale exists is to get people in there. If they can't have a doorbuster sale for five days. It doesn't work. Well, it's just the same... Is it the semantics of it?

Why not? Yeah, why? Well, because they'll run out a product. The Black Friday sales, those doorbuster things? Oh, but they sell everything? Oh, too bad for them. No, no, they sold all their shit. Sean, we missed you.

Fuck you, Sean. I didn't miss you. Go farm some asses. No, listen to this, dude. So they only have, like, they might give away a big flat screen TV for, I don't know, like a 30 or 40, 40 inch TV. Okay. for like $200, right? That's the big thing that's going to get customers in the door,

but they only have on hand maybe a hundred of them. So the first 100 customers will get in and get those, and then the rest of them are fucked. Yeah, so you better go on Thanksgiving. Is that what you're saying? Instead of the day after Thanksgiving? That's exactly what I'm saying. It says, here's another quote.

It became Black Friday, then it became Thursday, and now it's becoming week long, says, Duncan McNaughton, chief merchandising officer at Walmart. Maybe it's going to be all of November. Sure. Sure. Fuck it. Hey, you know what?

Why don't we just make everyday Black Friday, Dick? If yours and Sean's logic fucking works, then let's just make everyday Black Friday. Let's just sell everything all the time. Companies will make money all the day, all day, every day. Every day. Yeah, that's called the Internet, where every day is Black Friday. Oh. Well, speaking of the Internet, you know, I have some stats.

I got a stats for you, Dick. Nine out of ten Americans don't even plan on spending Thanksgiving hunting for bargains at all. Only 7% do. And over 53% are going to shop online exclusively. Yeah, I do. Yeah. I get all my presents in like the week before Christmas day in a mad panic. Right. Yeah, me too. And I always watch it. I always get people the worst gifts. Yeah. I always overdo it and I end up like picking the best one and sending the one I didn't like back after Christmas. You buy people multiple gifts? Yeah, because I'll buy one and then I'll find something I like better. then I'll realize like,

I spent too much money on my brother-in-law here. I'm going to send some of this back and recoup some of my losses. Man, it's so depressing. The whole rack is so depressing. I used to spend thousands of dollars on friends on Christmas, and everything I bought people made me feel so empty because I would spend lots of money on these gifts, and I'd give it to them, and I'd see the looks on their faces,

and they're like, oh, all right, cool. Yeah, thanks. Yeah, thanks. Yeah, great. It's going on the pile with their other games or DVDs or sweaters or whatever the fuck. It doesn't matter what I buy them. So I decided a long time ago, probably about almost 10 years ago, I decided no more gifts. I'll buy people gifts if I see something that I think that they would like throughout the year for no reason.

Right. But I would spend the money that I spent on other people on me. Oh. And I feel great. Very charitable of you. No, I've spent every dime of Christmas money on myself for years, and I feel so much better. I feel like I'm a genuinely better person. I've spent that money to travel.

I went to London, I went to Budapest, I went to Thailand, I've had a great time traveling the world on the money that I would have spent on friends. It would be nice if everybody just bought themselves their own thing. I think that's like the man's perfect Christmas or perfect Christmas, probably just perfect Christmas, is if he could just buy his own stuff and give everyone else credit for doing it. Because the prospect of telling people what I want or what I might want drives me insane. Oh yeah, it's nerve-wracking.

But that's not the problem here, is it? Well, it's part of the problem. It's people being mandatory holiday workouts. Mandatory holiday workshifts. So let me ask you something. What about firemen and cops that have to work on the holidays? Just fuck them? They deserve it, but people stocking shelves at Walmart don't?

No, they work in shifts, Dick, and those are actual services that we need. So we don't need... We don't need to go buy stuff? No, we don't. In fact, I got a quote from Disha Barnett, a Walmart spokesperson. She says that many shoppers were happy that the company would be open on Thanksgiving. We're in the service industry, she said, and we're just like airports and grocery stores and gas stations that are open on Thanksgiving Day

so they can provide what customers need. Yeah, just like grocery stores and gas stations. Customers need to shop for bargains on Thanksgiving Day. You're just like that, Walmart. Well, what's the difference? Honestly, what's the difference? Like, what is the difference between having a gas station open? or like enough gas stations open and having a Walmart open.

Dick, the difference is if you need fuel to say, I don't know, get to the hospital in an emergency because your dad's having a stroke like mine did a couple years ago, you need fuel in a pinch. The gas station needs to be open. That's a service that's necessary. Buying marbles and toys and Xbox ones is not. What if you're buying glasses or contacts?

What if you're buying something that treads the line? You could save it a day. You could go a day without it, but you want it today. Walmart's have food, too, a lot of them. Yeah. In case you forgot the, you know, cranberry jelly or whatever that shit is. Yeah, that's true, Sean. In case you forget.

What if your deep fryer breaks? Oh, no. What if your deep frere breaks? Yeah. Well, if you're shopping at Walmart on Thanksgiving, you definitely need a deep fryer. I know you're all about the people. I'm just, I'm legitimately asking. Dick, it's not a service.

It's not like the fire department. It's not like police. Yeah, but who are you to decide this? They're selling goods to customers, and they've got an arrangement where people come in and have to staff the stores to sell it. That seems like a perfect. system to me. Well, obviously the demand isn't there if it's less than

7% of consumers even interested in going on a holiday. Is nothing sacred? Like, do you ever want any just fucking time? Can we all just as a society, look at everyone else in the eyes and say, okay, guys, this day, we're going to call sacred, we're done, no

shopping, no bullshit, we're going to take some fucking time off and just relax. There it is. So that's what you want it to be. What? Fuck you, man. That's not how America works. Oh. You shut down your store? I'm popping up a store right next to you.

We sell 24 hours a day. Bye-bye Maddox's Walmart. Hello, Dick's Emporium. Nothing sacred here, man. Yeah. Nothing. I wouldn't even want to go into your emporium. Your shitty emporium.

Selling what? Not condoms. Sweatshop tears. That's what you'll sell vials of sweatshop tears and children's blood to masturbate with. Have you ever worked on... Jesus. Have you ever worked on Black Friday?

Uh, no, not in retail, no. I have. I worked on a, I worked a holiday shift at a toy store. I've worked on holiday, yeah, I have worked on a holiday, but not in a retail. What was the experience like in toy store? It was chaos. Yeah, it was chaos, but that was the whole point. Like, everybody, everybody who worked there had to show up. That's why you work at a retail store.

You know what's going to happen. So for years, I boycotted all stores that were open on Thanksgiving, and one year I was just driving by, and I decided, you know, I'm just going to take a peek, because I want to see what this chaos is like. I went into a Walmart at around, I believe, 1 p.m. in the afternoon thinking that I was going to encounter long lines and lots of chaos and people just running around everywhere. The store was nearly empty. There were maybe two or three people walking down the aisles. I mean, it looked like it'd been ravaged. Everything looked like shit. Everything was grubby, grimy. Paper was everywhere. There were signs dropping off, falling prices literally. It looked like garbage. The entire store looked and smelled like garbage. Like there had been animals. in there. But then I walked around and I looked at all the deals and I found these DVDs for like three bucks and I'm like, yeah, I got, you know, I can rent this if I want. Uh, I don't need it that bad. There were no lines at any of the cash registers. There were more than 20 open.

No one was there. Everybody just got in for those doorbusters and then left. I'll tell you what, man, you're an interesting guy because, thank you. Families, families was one of your biggest problems to start this show. However, you don't want, you want to have sacred holidays. So, that people can spend time with their families. Am I reading that wrong? Dick, this is the one chink in my armor. Yeah. No, you're right.

I'm right. No, I read this. I very, if you could see my notes, I very meticulously crafted my quotes around the argument that people are making that you could spend time with your families because I didn't want to make that argument. Yeah.

Yeah. No, because I don't. I don't give it shit. I don't want to spend time with my family. Families are gross. You spend time with your friends, though. Yeah. Aren't they your family in a way?

Yeah, but only if there. traveling to Budapest with me. Okay. So, so that's a great example, Maddox. Yeah. People work at the airlines so you can take a luxury trip on the holiday that's not a necessity. Yeah.

Yet they deserve to be there. But if I want to go buy, uh, I don't know, if I want to go buy some roller skates at Walmart on Thanksgiving Day, you don't think there should be anybody there to sell me. No, it's a, I'm saying it's a sliding scale here. No, it's not. You're such stupid horseshit analogies, dude. First of all, not everyone.

celebrates Thanksgiving. For example, if you fly Malaysian airlines, the Malaysian pilots don't give a fuck about American holidays. And second, travel is a necessity because a lot of times they're transporting organs and other vital things on those flights that need to be delivered anyway. Way less than 7% of airline flights are taken to transport organs from here to there. You don't know that? I'm transporting organs every time I fly, buddy. Right in my gut. Anyway, what's your problem, Dick? Well, wait, the other point I wanted to make was, you are, in your book, the, what is he,

I'm better than your kids? Is that the correct title? Now it's called crappy children's artwork, yeah. Okay. In your book, you make a point of being hard on children so that they'll develop their skills. Right. Right?

You need to demand excellence from these children, right? Don't tell them good job if they're just doing a mediocre job. I will say, the same exact thing is making people with no viable skills work on the holidays. Look, pal. You don't like this? Yeah, go learn a skill. Go learn how to program.

Or maybe they have a child to feed because they got knocked up because they met someone at Burning Man. Or like your buddy Bud Sanchez bang some chick in a hot tub without a condom because you listen to your shitty advice. Now he's got a mouth to feed and he has no fucking choice because he either has to feed that mouth or go to jail for not paying child support. Maybe that's the reason he has to work on Thanksgiving. And he gets no fucking time off. He's stressed out. He loses all his hair and he looks like. Me. What then, Dick?

All right, can we get it to my problem? What's your problem? The 101st problem, which, and I think every way, is better than being the hundredth problem. Oh, no, and I'm going next. So it's a busy travel time of year, yes? Yeah. On Thanksgiving, people flying organs all over the place, you know. My problem is airline surcharges.

Airline surcharges, Dick, this sounds like your horseshit Uber problem. Right? or solution, I thought this would be a horseshit problem, but then I started doing research on it. I think it's a lot more insidious than we think. Because I brought it in just for the luggage thing, right? It's infuriating. Totally infuriating.

Why are you so incensed by it? Because they act like this is some kind of attempt. Let me explain what I was first. If you bring luggage, you have to pay like $20, $30 a bag to bring it on the plane. Right. Which is brand new. Right. This is like a two-year-old thing.

Like, I don't remember seeing this two years ago. was shortly introduced in some airlines after 9-11 because they pushed the argument they made was to help recover some of the lost profit from people traveling less after 9-11. Ah, and pay for like the screeners and stuff like that? Yeah. And then it got heightened around late 2007, early 2008 when the housing market here crashed and everything was, it affected so many industries, including the airline industry. So then it really ramped up then.

So it's been six or seven years of like heavy charges. So let's keep this in mind for a timeline because I found a lot of, interesting shit about airline surcharges. Why are you so incensed by having to pay $50 to bring a bag where you want to go? Well, because it's costing them almost nothing in fuel, right? Because unless this bag weighs more than, what, like 20, 30 pounds, which most of them, like a little carry-on, they're starting to charge for those little carry-ons now, the ones that your personal affects that you're bringing with you.

And there's a picture on the internet of this guy who at the gate didn't want to, to pay the carry-on fee. So he unzipped his bag and put on every piece of his clothes. And the gate agent was so pissed off. She said, I'm going to follow you to the gate and make sure it's still on. Otherwise, I'm going to charge you. He goes, go ahead.

Go ahead. And so this asshole got on the flight, like delaying everything and everyone, wearing like 10 coats, three hats, two pairs of pants like a dick. Was this guy you? Yeah. That seems like something you would do. It does seem like something I would do. But that's what it's causing, man.

This kind of horseshit. I think I know where you're going to this. What's your... No, no, no. So, I've got to... First of all, I have a better way to get around the fee. Yeah.

I was flying to Vegas. I was flying from Burbank. I was flying from Los Angeles to Vegas a couple weeks ago. And that flight on a Friday night is notorious for being packed full of strippers. Right? Like, you look around on that flight, and it's like nines and tens who are all... They all dressed like they just walked out of the strip club. Great flight to be on.

They could be burlesque dancers, but who knows? No, they couldn't. because they're all sitting in one seat. So I get to the gate, and this beautiful girl's there, she walks up to the guy who's taking bags, because sometimes they will make you check a bag at the plane. Usually you check it before if it's too big to fit on the plane.

But sometimes, even if it's the right size, you get to the plane, and they say, you've got to check it, it's too full. So she walks over to that guy and just drops her bag off and walks away. And I was like, that's weird. Usually people fight that. Like usually people don't want their precious crap to be out of their sight for the duration of the flight.

Right, right. So I said, hey, and plus I wanted to talk to her. I was like, hey, what was that about? You didn't seem too upset by that guy taking your bag. And she goes, oh, check this out. You don't have to pay to check a bag if you just bring it straight to the plane. Yeah.

And check it there. Right. Yeah. I've been doing that scam for years, buddy. Little dick tip for you. Oh, you already knew that one? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. I use that all the time, especially with my giant, especially when I'm caring. something that I absolutely have to check in. I'll put that fucker through security screen. Yeah. I don't care. Which, of course, is it going to slow everyone else down.

I'm not paying. Fuck everyone else. Dick, is this a problem or not? You've been listening to other than solutions with this thing. Well, that is the problem. That's where I started. But I wanted to throw that out there so everyone didn't start putting on all their clothes at the gate. That's an alternative solution to the problem.

It's bullshit, because they do have you buy the balls once you're on the plane. You've got no way to fight it. Like, once you get there and like, well, you've got to pay a little more. Pay a little more. Give a little more. Dime and nickel. Yeah, nickel and dime you to death. This is something they call ancillary

Ancillary Revenue, right? $20 billion in ancillary revenue. Wow. As of 2013. Yeah. I got that off of Forbes. And the argument that they made, that these were measures that they put in place

to help recoup some of the lost money through travel, they're never going to go away. These fees are never going away. Right. they're only growing. Yeah. So now you're paying for food, you're paying for drinks. And I don't know about you, but I liked the old airline food.

Yeah. Like, it's funny to joke about it. All the shitty comedians joke about it, but I actually enjoyed it. I looked forward to it, especially on a long flight. I don't care. Give me anything to eat. I'm going to be happy. Here's what the CEO of some airline says.

It's hard to believe that less than eight months ago, American Airlines was in bankruptcy. Yet today we are reporting record profits, repaying debt, making additional pension contributions, and declaring dividends to shareholders. performance like this proves we're on the right track and gives us confidence as we move forward. Screwing customers.

Yeah. Right? Fuck American Airlines and their sardine pack. They are the most uncomfortable flights I've ever been on. American Airlines is terrible. Them and U.S. Airways, they suck the biggest dick in the industry. Yeah. So here's where it gets worse, all right?

Yeah. Do you remember when booking a flight was a complicated mess and the price you paid for your ticket was always exorbitantly more than the price you saw on the website. Yeah, it's bullshit. All the fees and stuff that they tacked on. Right, so they fixed it.

The Department of Transportation said, you can't do that anymore. Right. You just take the number you display at the end and put it at the front. Exactly. So they did this in 2012, and have you noticed

that it's super easy to shop for tickets now? Yeah. Yeah? It's great. That's about to end, pal. Oh, what? The house just passed

a transparent airlines act of 2014. This is supposed to be for the benefit of consumers. Right? Yet somehow it's being funded by the airlines, and it was passed by Congress in a style of vote that hides all the identities of the people supporting it. Yeah. So this thing... How does that voting process work? Do you know? No, I don't know. It's called... Let me see. I wrote it down.

Because they create like a committee to vote on something like this. Right. And that's how they vote through the committee. So the committee counts as a vote for or against this measure. And that's how they avoid. They say, well, the committee voted for it. We didn't personally vote for it. It's called a voice vote. So they did this. Oh, okay, that's not. Okay.

Because the airline companies say, well, wait a minute. It's too confusing to consumers to see one price tag. They need to see how many surcharges and taxes are in it. Like when you go to the store and buy a soda, the sales tax isn't on the soda. You see it at the register. Yeah. Yeah. So we're about to lose that ability.

Those motherfuckers are. And you know what? we've already lost it with these surcharges because they've already found a way to put in more hidden fees. And that's what I was going to bring up. They have the fuel surcharge has absolutely nothing to do with the fuel. And like how is fuel any different than the price of the ticket? You don't get in a cab and he says, well, it's five bucks to get there, but, uh, it's gas is going to cost about $3,250. Right. Well, can I opt out of paying for gas and just get there? Because can I do that? Because I want to, just get me there, but I'm not going to pay for gas.

I don't care how you do it. Yeah. Get on a hill and look. And, let the car idle down to my destination. That's fine. I'll pay for that, but not for gas. Can you, can you opt out of that? Uh, no, you cannot. Of course not. So it's just part of the fucking travel fee, isn't it, dickheads? Just add it in one fucking fee and quit the, cut the bullshit. Yeah, it's a shakedown. So now, now we're going to lose the total ticket price, and all they're going to do, what they've learned since putting in this baggage handling fee, what they've learned is that they can, they can shake us down for ancillary revenue left and right. Air travel's about to get even shittier. That's why it's a big problem.

Right. You got a lot of air-related, air-travel-related problems. Yeah, you know, it's because it's such a great technology, and I don't think it's being used in a way that, like, helps us. Like, it's still a pain in the ass. A hundred years later, and it's still a miserable experience. Soaring through the air at speeds unimaginable by our ancestors is a pain in the ass, and it shouldn't be. You know, you know what it was really great, Dick, was right around 2000, right before 9-11. It was actually pretty awesome. You could buy a flight, you could buy a ticket on a flight

and travel to, say, China. And the flight might be half empty because there aren't, you know, it's still profitable for them to go that route because there were so many flights and so many more customers flying that the airlines could afford to have more flights sometimes

and the cushion from the other flights would be okay. But now what airlines are doing, this is the most insidious thing, is they're over-booking flights. And that's why you have those surcharges that they're trying to get in there for you to check your luggage, right? They're overbooking these flights. So when you get to the gate,

supposedly if you have a ticket, that should guarantee you a seat and some space for your personal affects. But now they're saying there's no space for your personal affects for that one ticket that you have for the carry-on that you have, which means they overbook the flight. And then that's why they always make that announcement saying, hey, is anyone willing to give up their seat? We'll pay you $500, go to the next flight, whatever,

because it's worth it for them. And that's called surge pricing. Yeah. Paying you to get off the flight, right? It is. You mean a surge price that the airline pays you? Yeah. Yeah.

You don't get to set that price. But they, no, they'll keep upping it. If you don't take it, they'll start giving away like free tickets and stuff like that. Yeah. Look, my point is, that's the future flying. Pay for bags. Now you're going to be paying for seats. You're going to be paying for cabin pressure.

You're going to be paying for every little oxygen molecule that you get to breathe on this stupid flight? Yeah, you know what pisses me off the most, though, Dick? Look, you want to charge me for... I think it's actually a good thing to charge a surcharge for those heavy luggagees, especially, it used to be for anything in excess of one. The first checked bag was free,

and everything after that was charged extra. I thought, wow, that's great. Finally, it'll get some... And it's usually women that I see carrying around huge bundles of their fucking clothes and shoes and shit. I'm like, just fucking stop packing so much shit. You're just going for four fucking days. I feel like I'm talking to every girl I've ever dated.

And so if it encouraged them to travel more lightly, great. However, it's no longer become that. It's everyone across the board. Everyone has to pay this fee. So I don't know if they can justify, if they can rationalize this by saying, well, the luggage weighs more and we have to pay more fuel to carry that luggage. Why not a fat surcharge? Raise the price of the ticket.

Raise the price of the ticket. That's not at all. me the sticker. I'm saying something way worse. I'm saying charge fat people more. Oh yeah. Well, no? Oh, sure. Yeah, that would be great. Walk up, get weighed, and then pay that amount. That's been talked about. Yeah. That has been talked about. And there was one guy who was made, he was forced to buy a second seat because he could not fit in the first seat. Now we're talking about an extreme case, but that did actually happen. But then you have all the, you know, whatever fat people's rights groups or whatnot. I mean, it's going to be a political nightmare. But that has been

talked about because the average American weighs so much more than they used to. It's causing, you know, them to use extra fuel and all that. Well, it's interesting. Southwest, last time I took a flight, wanted to charge me extra for my balls. Okay, okay, Dick. To get you some little diamond cases to store them in so they don't get stepped on those little grape nuts. I was on a flight one time to San Diego for Comic-Con.

And when we got on the flight, the flight was less than, I would say, I would say, I was I would say maybe just barely a third full. And we asked the pilot, we said, there are people left to the gate. Why aren't they allowed on this flight? And the pilot said, look, frankly, these planes were designed in the 70s, and Americans have gotten a lot fatter.

We can't lift off with that many people on this plane. It was a little two-seater, you know, two-hild. Oh, yeah, yeah. And those little guys. So, Sean, yeah, you have a point. You're going to Comic-Con. I mean, that's spread of a point. Duh.

I was looking for my game. and I was running down the airport, and I saw some dude wearing a Captain America shirt. I'm like, that's the one. I just, I didn't even... Litterd with heart attack victims out of the gate and we're also going to miss their flight. Let me tell you, that was a good smelling flight, too.

And by the way, you know, I know it's a stereotype about all these nerds who don't smell right, but it's true. They fucking don't smell right. It's got to be difficult to clean yourself if you're overweight. More difficult. Sure. When I was overweight, it was difficult for me.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's my problem. Airline surcharges. Good problem, Dick. I agree, although, as usual, I don't think for the same reasons. But yeah, that is a good problem. What's the 102nd second problem?

Okay, Dick. You know, I'm editing these episodes. The 101st episode. I'm going to be editing that. And wait, I got some more, do you mind if I play some celebrity voicemails? Great. You got a couple of months. Oh, yeah, yeah, let's hear, yeah.

Hey, Maddox, this is Jesse Ventura. I heard last week on your million download, your confession that you were impressed that you had celebrity listeners and I just wanted to say that I don't think that

knowing that Chanel one was real I think it was the government more possibly close them cockfuckers in area 51 can do just about anything

anyways then go fuck yourself okay if Fandora Definitely the real one. What was the seller? Who? Jesse Ventura. Oh, Jesse Ventura.

Oh, yeah, of course it's Jesse Ventura. You know, that was a funny celebrity voicemail. I've gotten in the last, I'd say, two days, maybe just a half dozen of emails from people, all for various topics, various subjects, either praising the show or commenting or sending in problem suggestions, et cetera, et cetera. And invariably, they're all addressed to me, and invariably at the end, they all sign off with P.S. Dixon idiot. or P.S. Dixon, asshole. It just seems like a common sign-off, and he did it in that voicemail, too.

Well, here's another voicemail. Great. Hello. Dick, go fuck yourself. That's pretty much it. Here's a guy you know, a celebrity friend of yours. I'm up of the morning to you. This be bono.

Oh, great. This be bono. He's more. You're spot on. Let's hear this. You start snarked arnias with your flash photography. And now me, Irish, all you think smiling.

Oh, finilly, dear. My rads me cones. My rags and me cone. I can't even see the pouring me a bottle like the charms. You know, me life's more pathetic than a Shinaito kind of cover band. At least I can still listen to the biggest problem in the universe, though. Good shout out. Love the show.

Keep Troy and Dickie. Bono out. He got his, though, didn't he? What did you do? What do you mean? He was riding his bike. Another problem, right? He fucked himself.

up good in Central Park. Oh, he did? Oh, fuck yeah. Oh, yeah. I read the news story. Yeah, I saw the, I saw the headlines, but I didn't click on it. I thought you'd take joy on that, but no, it was an obfuscated headline, so I thought I wasn't going to click, but he hurt himself? Yeah, yeah, it was much, you know, first I said like, oh, he heard his arm on the bike on the bike, but it's like, oh, no, he hurt his shoulder blade in three, his, in three places, broke his arm in six places, it went through, the bone went through the skin. Holy shit, too, so yeah. Are you kidding me? No, he got fucked up good. Wow. Oh, wow. Wow, you... Bicycle. Sean, you... No, it's not. I'm gonna write that down. Fuck you guys.

Wrong, Sean. Listen, you guys can't see right now, Sean and Dick, because it's obscured by the table, but I am fully engorged. After listening to that story, that makes me so happy. That makes me really, really happy. And speaking of engorged, my second problem this week is snakes. God, damn. Because I got a python under the table, baby.

It's no one's our... over here, dogs, monkeys, snakes. What's next? Goats, hippos. Hey, hey, hey, spoilers, spoilers. What's wrong with snakes? What's wrong with snakes? Everything. All right? So when I started Googling snakes, I was just, I was curious about how many fatalities are caused by snakes every year. Okay. And there is a Wikipedia page. I don't know why it's so detailed, but there's an entire list of almost every single fatal snake bite in the United States. And it's, it's categorized by decade you can go through one by one can you see how many got bit in their dicks uh i believe yeah i believe that is a category yep there it is bit by dicks um bit on their dicks

so i have a few of these i want to read this one's her name is jackie ledwell 63 year old female bitten while taking a walk in 2007 yeah these are where snakes attack you well they're not in your car well they're out where you're walking around Yeah? You're just going on a walk. Next thing you know, you're dead because of a fucking snake. Okay. Trent LaPrette, 31 years old, male. Bitten on each hand while swimming.

Bitten on each fucking hand. Teaming up, man. Yeah. These snakes are getting smart. No, they're idiots, but they're vicious. That's what they do. They come up to you and bite both your hands. Like, that's a, that's a, that's a fuck-you finishing move. Yeah. It's like a babality in Mortal Kombat, too.

Mac, Wolford, 39-year-old. years old, male. So Dick, you said, you're, you know, these people are getting bit while they're swimming, getting bit while they're going on a walk. He got bitten during a religious service at Lord Jesus Temple in West Virginia in 1983. Was he fucking around with snakes? Was he beating one of those guys who's like immune to snakes as a god? Yeah, that's exactly what happened actually. And, and his son Mark died in 2012 also from a snake bite during the same religious service. I love that religious ceremony so much.

Like every time I see somebody doing it, I'm like, yes. Oh, keep doing it, man. I hadn't heard of this until I started reading on this, and I didn't know it was a thing that people did. Oh, yeah, and it's very precarious because it relies on them milking the venom from the snakes before they do it. So what they do

is, like, they get a bag of snakes, and they're the preacher, and they're in the backwood somewhere. They're in Meth County. Yeah. wherever that is. They have a bag... It's actually West Virginia. I think this is...

It does happen in West Virginia. They have a bag of milked snakes, so their venom isn't as powerful, and then they let the snakes bite them and declare that they're being protected by the power of Christ, right? Yeah. Very powerful visual.

However, if you fuck up a little bit, and they generate some of their venom back, you're dead. Or at least you look like a huge asshole, because God didn't protect you today. Yeah, I wonder if they lose believers after, let's see, two pastors, father and son died from this goofy practice,

which is illegal in most states, but I guess in Virginia it's not because there's this, what's the church called? It's Lord Jesus Temple in West Virginia. They also refuse medical treatment because it's God's will. Oh, that's a good one too. Yeah, he did.

The last guy who died, he died, he died at home. Yeah, actually, Sean, good point. This guy, it said in the news article, too, on Washington Post, it said that he refused medical aid at first, and then it got really bad, and then he went and it was too late. Yeah. They had to amputate his entire body.

So, you know, Dick, so I've talked about some snake victims. You know what the first recorded victim of a snake was? The innocence of man. Yeah. When Eve bit the apple. Snakes have been there all along, fucking us. In fact, you could say that snakes are the biggest problem in the universe. Yeah, all right.

Huh? Yeah, right? Here's the other thing So I was also curious Like first of all, all my friends Who owns snakes are a little bit creepy Right? Have you ever met someone who owns a snake? I've owned a snake

Creepy! You're the creepiest! You're the creepiest guy in this room And possibly block. They're a great pet. It's like having a water bed Except as a pet. They're a very sexual animal. Chicks like touching them. They like feeling them undulate on their bodies. They're a little dangerous too

Because you've got it on you And they're like, oh wow, you're a danger guy. I like that. I'm turned on. Put the snake away, let's bang. And I'm like, hey, why I put the snake away? Gross. No, I did own a snake. Yeah, no, I believe it.

I know, I know, Dick. I know you owned a snake. I got a snake that chicks can play with. So, this is from the Department of Wildlife Ecology and Conservation from the University of Florida. One in 50 million people in the U.S. will die from snake bites. One in 50 million? One in 50 million. Okay.

So six people? About six or seven people. people for a year. It's not that much. I was hoping it was going to be in the hundreds of millions or something, just this epidemic of snake bites and deaths. But it's about, but you know, they don't include the bites. They get about 8,000 snake bites per year. Now, here's a problem with snakes as a pet. They live 20 fucking years long. Yeah. I don't want anything to live 20 years. Like, that's insane. Having a pet that lives 20 years long, you're going to have that fucking thing around all the time? Well, having a snake

as a pet also seems like a gateway to get a shitload of weird pets. Yeah. Tarrantulas. Yeah. Crickets. I had to give my snake away. Yeah, and they don't they smell, too? They do. And I don't know if it's the owners or the snake, but something is off. When I walk into a house and there's a snake, I can smell it, and it's probably

the owner. They're just not showering enough. They're on there waiting for their flight to Comic-Con. So, you have to feed them frozen, pre-killed animal. like rodents. No, you can feed them live, live mice, and live rats. Yeah, but the problem is, if you feed them live mice and rats,

they, quote, become too aggressive. That's what I've been told by snake owners. No, that's bullshit. That's totally not true. It's all the people, it's PETA and animal rights activists not wanting a snake to actually do what it does in nature, which is like stalk and kill its food. Yeah, man.

They make you sign a thing at pet stores that say you will not use this rat or whatever, hamster or rabbit in some cases as food. Is there a line that says wink wink at the bottom? Because that's all anyone's doing with mice from pet stores. It just covers them. People are very uncomfortable about feeding live mice and rats to snakes. Like when I had my, I just had this stupid ball python, the person who sold it to me said to kill the mouse

and then wear a chain mail glove and dangle the mouse in front of the snake to get it to eat it. Because they don't want to eat dead things. Like no animal wants to eat a dead animal. animal. Is that me? Right. Like humans do and vultures do. Yeah. But snakes don't, they just won't eat a dead mouse that's rooting around. So he, so his, his solution to that was to hammer the mouse over the head with a shovel. Brutal. Brutal. Way more brutal than getting strangled to death, I think. Well, you're kind of selling me on the snake thing, man. That sounds kind of cool.

Yeah, it's cool for about like six months. Yeah. And then you got to get rid of it. And then, yeah, and then you realize you have to do this for 20 fucking years. Yeah. That, that, I would never get a dead mouse. Like, I would get a live rat and throw it in the cage and watch, because it's awesome to watch. Like, they skulk around the cage, and then sometimes they'll come down from the tree and do like a commando attack. Great. Or they'll grab it and wrap it up. Oh, so boring.

Snakes are so boring, man. That's the one interesting thing they do is eat. And then, oh, well, you're done for a fucking week until however long it takes for it to digest that piece of shit. And the food just sits there in their gut rotting. You don't have to... So I was reading the benefits of owning a snake, and there were none. I just had to go to Yahoo answers. And some idiot was just like,

another big advantage that snakes have over cats and dogs is that you don't have to feed them daily. Yeah. So that means that they're just sitting there with a bunch of shit rotting their colons all day. And that's all a snake is is a giant colon. If you think about it. Yeah.

It's just a colon. Yeah. That's a positive, though, not as much shit to clean up. Eh, but they still shit, and their shit is what, just calcium deposits, teeth and feathers and whatever the fuck else you're feeding it.

It looks like normal shit. It looks like a bird shit, actually. It looks like a more solid bird shit. Like, it's half white and half like that weird black. Oh, okay. I say, I don't mind bird shit. But it's got to be... Why?

Why? It's the most offensive shit. It is the least. It's the only shit that gets on your car. No, that's not true. I've seen other shit on cars. My neighbors, for example. But bird shit, first of all, is white, and it just flakes off.

It's just crusty shit. You just scrape it off. Whatever. It's gone. It doesn't smell. It's not offensive. It looks kind of weird. Whatever, I've had bird shit on me.

Yeah? Like, I've walked around with bird shit on me. It's not a big deal. Sure. It depends on what type of bird and what they've been eating. If it's a pigeon and it's runny, like, you know, you got diarrhea. That's a different story. Gross.

Yeah. So I went to this website called Reptilesmagize.com, and it's a care sheet for snakes. And they're talking about a baby corn snake or how to care for a corn snake. I say, although it's normal for baby corn snakes to flee, hide, or defend themselves, It is also true that they have no real ability to harm you. A white mouse or a cat that plays too roughly with its owner can do far more damage than even the largest corn snake. Does that sound like a fact to you? Or does that sound like horseshit propaganda by Reptiles Magazine?

I don't think it sounds like propaganda. Yeah. It sounds like an website that's made for children that you read. So. Actually, all these websites I went to are made for children. Because I guess adults don't have to Google how to care for. snake, yet they're dying at fucking religious sermons and just walking and swimming. I think snakes are helping us out on that one, man.

Get rid of those people. Shit, that's a good point. After three or four successful meals, start handling your corn snake for short periods, except for the first two or three days after a meal. Be sure to approach the corn snake from the side rather than the top. That's fucking stupid. So I feed this fucking thing, my pet, my companion. This is my little buddy, my avatar in life.

I feed it, and then I can't even touch. it for fucking three days? Forget it. You know what? I'm gonna forget you for three days. And they say here, you don't have to feed

them as much as cats and dogs. Guess what? You don't have to feed cats and dogs. You don't have to feed anything. Sorry, what? What do you mean? You just don't. And then, you know,

they figure it out. Where do they give food then? Out of the trash? Like, I don't know, man. If you don't feed a cat, it'll leave. Leave the earth. Yeah, we'll die.

Okay, dude. You have outrageous expectations of pets. It's just a reptile. It's just like a reptile. cool, wiggly reptile. Yeah, let me rephrase that. It's not your Harry Potter companion. It's not supposed to be running errands

for you around town, like you're a Sherlock Holmes villain. Well, then what's the point, Dick? If they don't do anything for you, what's the point? They're not cute. Snakes are fucking awful. They just sit there. They're boring. Hey, come over, guys. Hey, if you got a snake, would you call me over

and be like, hey, man, come check out my snake? I'd come over and look at it for like literally three seconds and be like, all right, this is boring. If a girl invited me over, I said, okay, well, let's do something like have sex. This is fucking dumb. I hate your snake. I hate snake owners.

They're shitty animals. Yeah? Yeah. Their venom is very valuable in pharmaceutical research, though. Snake venom. Is it, what's it? Faramol? No, what's the, an aphrodisiac?

Is that what it is? No, it's a legitimate, like, pharmacological ingredient. It's a complex molecule that we use to do research on. There's a rattlesnake that Whose venom is used to stop heart attacks Like if you're having an impending heart attack The venom will thin your blood Because that's what it does

So they'll just They synthesize a compound out of the venom Inject you with it And Bada boom, no more heart attack You can get your flight to Comic Con Yeah, all right All right conspiracy dick That's not a conspiracy

That's a legitimate pharmaceutical research project I'm gonna give you a conspiracy And I'm gonna sound like a conspiracy dip shit here But you're not gonna get me into a fucking knife where someone says they're going to inject me with snake venom into my heart. Fuck you. Okay. And you know what's going to be ironic, too?

I'm sure it's going to fucking happen. And then I'm going to need to get snake venom at some point in my life. Snakes are bullshit. Snake venom is bullshit. Although here's an interesting fact. Do you know the difference between venom and poison? Yeah. What?

Venom goes in your veins. Poison just goes on your person. I didn't know this, but you could drink venom. Yeah, you can ingest venom without a problem in most cases. Mm-hmm. I wonder what venom tastes like. I'd drink it. Stay tuned for our next bonus episode

Yeah, baby Hey, where would we be without snakes How would pimps get their shoes? Alligators from kicking them Yeah Without snakes, where would Indiana Jones be? He would have no kryptonite He'd be invincible

He's afraid of snakes, right? Yeah, what's that? Afraid of snakes. Who is? Indiana Jones. Yeah, but it's a phobia. It's a natural phobia, right? Yeah. All right, Dick.

I'm tired of talking about snakes. I'm tired of thinking about snakes What's your next problem? Do you think that snakes are going to out, where do you think snakes are going to be ranked in the monkeys, dogs race? In the Noah's Ark race that you're putting on our problems list, where do you think snakes are going to fall? Number one, I think the snakes are going to be a bigger problem on this list

than anything we have, including slackivists, female genital mutilation, armchair psychologist, everything in the top, outrage porn, it's going to knock everything off. It might even be its own category. I'll bring it in 10 times, so it can be all 10 problems. Like Harry Potter, you're going to make a new problem. new list just for it. Is that what they...

Yeah, Harry Potter was on the bestseller list so long that they moved it to... They made the children's bestselling book list just for Harry Potter. Oh, I didn't know that. That's kind of interesting. Yeah, it'll be just like that. Yeah, hey, speaking of Harry Potter,

I forgot to bring in this comment from Jason Montgomery. He says, holy fuck boys, boisterous coconuts was cool until his lame-ass Harry Potter Bachelor Party and shitty problem this week. For the set... For a fucking Harry Potter-themed Bachelor Party? Really?

and no strip club included, that's brutal. What did you think of that, Harry Potter? Astero's Coconos was in last week, Sean, and he threw a Harry Potter-themed Bachelor party. I think that's awesome and hilarious. And his reasoning was so brilliant because he said it was to disarm the strippers so they would go further with them.

I thought, wow, that's really insidious. That's really sneaky. Also, fuck that guy for using really as a punchline. I need to get that in. And I also want to say this. Wait, do you have more on it? No, no, no. I also want to say this.

Dick. On Friday night, I went to a comedy show, and it was a comedy and variety show that my friend put on. It was awesome. But during the show, there was some burlesque dancing, and this girl got up on stage, and my God, one of the most gorgeous women I've ever seen. I'm in love with this girl. I think I might get, I might have to go back on everything I've ever said and get married to a burlesque dancer. To this girl? This girl is amazing, man. What are you guys talking about? All the burlesque dancers are gross and discusses. and fat and whatever. Yeah. They are. And kind of up their own ass with like the whole performance of it.

Like, uh, okay. You're doing like an erotic, a titillating dance. Whatever. What do you mean whatever? That's cool. What don't you like about it, Dick? Would you rather have, okay, if you were at a place, would you rather have burlesque or no? If it was just, no, I would rather have no burlesque than burlesque.

It's a distraction from the bar. Is that, that's what you're asking? Like, I would rather have it or not? I'll leave it, man. I don't like watching interpretive dance. Like, I don't watch so you think you can dance on TV. I'm a man. I don't like watching celebrities dancing.

I don't like just watching women doing art for dancing. That's what it is. Like, it's not titillating at all. There's nothing sexual about it to me. Well, if you were at a bar, it's either that or you're going to be looking at a bunch of sad sacks sitting at the counter. I'd rather have that. Then watch Dirty Dancing 2 Havana Nights.

That's not on my Netflix queue. Okay, you ready for my next problem? Yeah. Not enough Black Friday violence. Yeah, that's a problem. All right, that sounds like something I'd bring in, Dick. It does. It sounds like I ripped off your Halloween problem, doesn't it?

This guy Cliff Bernsweig says, you guys should do a segment on Black Friday, which kills more people every year than Ebola or sexy bowling shirts, he's right, but it's only barely. Really? Yeah, how many people do you think die on Black Friday? Every year, I think it was something around 5 to 10.

It's almost none. It's less than 10. There's a site called Black Friday Deathcount.com, which is just, it's this gigantic counter on top of the site that has deaths and injuries on it and then all of the links to the stories of it happening. And there aren't enough. Dick, so my justification,

for my horse shit Halloween problem, not enough razor blades in candy, was that it didn't justify the hype or the hysteria, which was the problem. That's not my justification. Yeah, so what's your justification here? My justification is this is the closest we're going to get to the purge.

You know that movie? Yeah. Where you get rid of the undesirable elements of society? Yeah. This is the closest thing we're going to have. Who's wherever they are? Who's at a store on Black Friday slugging each other to the death for toys

to save $20 on a PlayStation 4? The scum of the earth. Am I wrong? Is that not the scum of the earth, but they're shaping pop culture in a way I don't like. And I guess that's the measure I'm going by. Dick, I don't know what's going on, man, but I just got this weird feeling like you're making a whole lot of sense. And I'm not used to it because you've only done it a few times in our entire run of the show. But this is one of those moments where I'm like, wow, you actually have a really fucking good point here.

And I don't even think I have a rebuttal. I think I agree 100% with you. You know why I'm making so much sense? I'm a Scorpio, and this is the... Okay. There it is. There it is. Horace Cubs. Go vote it up, guys. All I'm saying is we got to get this problem...

This problem is actually it will become a solution. Because what we do... Yeah. Is we get all the conspiracy, dipshits, the anti-vaxxers, the slacktivists, right? The armchair psychologist, all the sexy engineers, the genital mutilators, the people who can't eat spicy foods, the priests and the hippies, with their outrage porn,

and their N-words, and their other N-words, and their iPhone 6 having non-apologizing shame-shamers, reading their horoscopes, and panicking about witches and Ebola, we lure them in, with unbeatable prices on beats by Dre and Tom's, and then we dispatch the militarized police

with their drones and the TSA with their monkeys and their snakes and their burlesque dancers, and their movie ratings and their satire, and they're Facebook satire tags, and we just let them all wipe each other out. Bravo, Dick, that's good rant, and you worked, was that every single problem? Yeah.

Every single one? No, no, no. It was a lot of them. There's a lot of them on top. You gotta hand it to you, man. I know we suck our own dicks a lot on this show, but that's pretty fucking amazing. You're not gonna get this anywhere else, guys.

But that's a really good fucking point, man. You get all this scum of the earth, you get the sludge, you get these idiots who want to go, in on Black Friday and go in on Thanksgiving and these these holidays. Yeah. And they're making those people work. They're the ones, their drive for goods, for consumer goods is making those people have to show up to work in the first place.

Their drive, yeah, their drive, i.e. your drive, dick, as you argued for the first half of this show, that it's a good thing and it's a necessity just like firefighters and gas. Yeah. You're this people. You're one of these people. Oh, man. It's going to be so funny. and a little bit sad but mostly funny

that one of these days I'm going to come in and do the show alone because I'm going to have to announce that you died during a Black Friday sale. Dick, yeah, that's a good point. There should be more Black Friday deaths. And I remember I looked up the statistics on this. Actually, when I first read it, I thought, well, that should be zero because nobody should die while shopping for bullshit. You're killing people over this cheap crap that they've marked down

and all the items that they sell during these Black Friday sales are garbage. The TVs are garbage. They're always stripped down. Yeah. The worst features or no features. The DVDs, first of all, they're DVDs, which nobody wants. Nobody wants physical media anymore. By the way, guys, anyone listening, I'm going to sell all my DVDs.

Maybe I'll just put up a sale on the website and just try to get rid of this whole this horse shit. But yeah, those are the people who are going in and dying for this garbage. Yeah. And we got, what's the story? stats on guns in this country. It's like we've got hundreds of millions of guns in this country, and there's only seven deaths on Black Friday? Come on, let's step it up here. Yeah, but they are cool deaths. They're pretty metal. It's not as metal as hitting a rodent over the head with a shovel, but it's close. It's trampling deaths. Those are trampling deaths, which I think may be up there

with drowning and burning as two of the worst ways to go. Getting trampled to death? Getting trampled, yeah. Although, I don't know, would it be? Because if someone really fat, Like say one of these, these airline flyers, the fat guys, right? What if they just stepped on your head and made it pop like a watermelon? It's not bad. That's not too bad, right? I think you die and getting trampled by blows to the body, right? Like internal organ failure, not on the head.

Not the way I've imagined. I imagine, like, falling down face first and my teeth immediately getting, like, chipped and falling out of my mouth. Maybe that's a tooth, there's like a tooth fear that has something to do with that. It's not a cartoon. it's like a real thing that happens only seven deaths from Black Friday in the Black Friday death count website Not nearly enough

Not nearly enough, man I worked on a Black Friday At that toy store I was telling you Yeah and I was involved in a Black Friday Violence An altercation Yeah

Yeah Did you start it? You could say that I thought so dick So I was 16 I was working at this toy store Over Christmas So I could get enough money

to buy a cool jacket. Like I wanted, I wanted Indiana Jones' jacket. So I got this job just so I could buy the jacket. And then I was going to quit, and that was going to be the end of my working. All right. The plan fell apart because I got a girlfriend while I was working there. So all the money I was saving for my Indiana Jones jacket, I blew on her. What a sucker. Yeah. I mean, if only I was around to educate me at that age. Yeah. So this guy comes in during the Christmas rush, and he sees a stack of, God, I think it was Sega Genesis is. Was that around that time in like 96? It was, yeah.

Yeah, and there was a price, there was like a bunch of different systems, and the price they had listed was for the cheapest system on the stack, and he starts freaking out, right? He's like, what do you mean it's $19 more with the controller and the game? We're like, dude, we've been here all day. That's the price. Sorry. So in front of all these moms, these like mall moms and this KB toys in suburbia, he goes, yeah, why don't you go have sex with your mother?

to me. I'm like, oh, wow. So he storms out, knocking toys over. I turn to the moms and I'm like, can you believe that guy? Wow. Because, you know, Dick, I think when he turned to the moms, I'm bad. But I think when he turned to the moms

to say that, I think you were kind of hitting on them too. Yeah, I was. Of course. So I got off of work and I put my regular clothes on. And I walk into the mall because I had to walk through the mall to get to my car and I see this guy. So I kind of followed him. And I follow him over to,

it was some stupid calendar kiosk and I get right up behind him in line and I'm like, hey, hey. And he turns around and he looks like he's seen a ghost, right? Because he's processing, he sees my clothes are different but he recognizes me. Yeah. So I said, why don't you go have sex with your mom?

He starts freaking out. Like this is a grown man and I'm a 16-year-old child. Right? So he turns around and, starts freaking out and he like he hits me back like the way guys do wait a second what do you mean he hits you back you'd already hit him at this point no no no i was like just creeping up so i could be that really obnoxious voice in his ear okay right and then i was having i i was giving him that smile that starts fights okay like i know i'm doing it but you can get away with it a little shit yeah

like what are you gonna do you're gonna you're gonna let me smile like this at you in your own face are you gonna allow this to happen a kid smiling at you yeah so he like does that thing, like he blows up and shoves back and he starts shouting at me. He's puffing up his chest in your face, that sort of thing, yeah. Right, and he's so, he's so in sense that he can't find the words. Like, he's like,

like, stuttering and stammering and storming around like Donkey Kong, right? So these moms are freaking out. He knocks this mom's purse off of this stash, oh yeah, like three gigantic security guards run in and tackle this guy to the ground,

in front of me while I'm still just smiling there like a demon just going like I mean you kind of you did this to yourself dude so they escort his ass out of the mall three guys in front of his kids and I'm just still standing there with the mom helping his mom pick her purse back up and like put a seven and I'm like can you believe that guy yeah she's like why did he even blow up like that what did you say and I'm like I didn't say anything oh man that fucking So, so, uh, lesson learned. I hope those kids went home hungry without their dad that night. I hope they got into a car wreck.

I don't give a fuck, fuck that guy. Yeah, let's just wipe it from the earth. This poor guy who has a mental disorder who's yelling at, at employees in a toy store because they didn't have a Genesis. Oh, he had one. It was just $20 more. It was $20 more. And he thought it was.

Or he might have been just an entitled asshole. Yeah. He deserves every bad thing he gets. Yeah, he deserves that too. He deserved it. But those people are generally rich. If you're rich, you're generally more entitled. And if he's arguing for $20, that guy's not that entitled, is he?

If you're rich, you're not shopping at KB Toys R Us. So why don't you get rid of that fucking argument, Maddox? That's my problem. Not enough Black Friday violence. It's the purge. Let's step it up, people. Yeah, pretty good problem, Dick. I don't want to admit it, but I have to because it was.

I agree there isn't enough Black Friday deaths, along with not enough candy with razors in it. All right, Dick, what are your problems this week? My problems are airline surcharges and not enough Black Friday violence. And my problems are mandatory holiday shifts and snakes, which should be the biggest problem in the universe, guys. Voted up. Don't disappoint me like you did with monkeys, you idiots. It's also the only problem here that's not holiday-themed.

Way to go, Maddox. You got it. Although, you could say it's Christmas-themed if you think about it. Hey, speaking of the happiest time of the year, we're kicking off the Christmas season, December 1st, with our next bonus episode. Right, give it a listen. People really love the first one who've got some...

Actually, Dick's Comeuppance is coming in the bonus episode. You're going to get yours, Dick, for all the horseshit I had to put up with this episode. This time? Oh, yeah. The next one? Oh. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And also, we have a big, big announcement to make. We should have done this at the top of the show. But we're doing a live show, a live taping. We're going to be doing in Los Angeles. If you're in the Los Angeles area in December, we haven't decided on the day yet, but sometime near the end of December, maybe the second or third week, so the middle, actually. But we're going to be doing a live show, and we may be able to get a live studio audience in there. Not a lot of seats, but we'll post some more details as this happens.

And it's something exciting that Dick and I have been working on. I think that you guys will really like it. It'll be a lot of fun. So to wrap things up, go to the website, vote on these problems. stay tuned for more information about those live shows, and the bonus episode coming next time. And if you bought it, it will be emailed to you. If you bought the season pass,

a link to download it will be emailed to you. Right, we should... Yeah, a lot of people were confused about that. If you bought the season past, you're going to get the entire bundle. You will get 12 episodes from the time when you bought it. Yeah. And if you have any problems, whatever, you know, please hit us up.

But thank you for supporting the show. The bonus episode is doing great. and thanks for listening. Thanks for listening.