The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 29

Episode Date: May 3, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe. I'm Maddox. With me, Dick, Mr. Hey, what's up, buddy? How's it going? Hey, Dick, so we had a big week for you, didn't we? Ha, ha, ha. Yeah.

So, not the winner, but the one that got the most votes was airline surcharges. No big deal. No big deal. Yeah, so what? Wait, airline surcharges got the most votes? Yeah. Airline surcharges. Huh.

Yeah, why, huh? What do you got there, Dick? It reminds me of something. Yeah? Yeah, it reminds me of a song that I heard. The song has to be played all the way every time. No, bullshit. That's bullshit.

I don't know, man. If you're so tired of that song, you better bring in some better problems. You know, Dick, yeah, you won. You won. That was a real good problem. But before we continue, I would just like to play a new segment that I have. Okay. Yeah, here's this new segment.

Because that problem you brought in sound familiar, here's my segment. I liked it better when. Yeah, I liked it better when. So on my YouTube show, I have a segment called I liked it better when. And it's essentially a segment that I bring in that when I hear something that sounds familiar, I say, well, I liked it better when so-and-so said it first. Here's something I said in our first bonus episode. Let's see if you recall this. Airlines, buddy.

Now you can pay premium to check in first, $15. Check luggage. $25. You can pay a premium for extra legroom. $50. You can pay a premium for extra extra legroom. $75. You can pay a premium for first class.

$1,000. And it never fucking ends. And guess what? Peanuts are a premium. Water is a premium. That's the industry you've created, Dick. That's the industry this bullshit-ass solution is created. It's a problem.

And I'm calling you on it. Yeah, I called you on a dick. And then here's what you brought in last episode. Listen to this. Go ahead. Look, my point is, pay for bag. Now you're going to be paying for seats. You're going to be paying for cabin pressure.

You're going to be paying for every little oxygen molecule that you get to breathe. Right. Yeah. So I'm sorry, Dick. I'm going to have to call shenanigans. I am the winner from the last episode. That was my problem, baby. Woo!

Winner! I'm the best. Yeah. You're like that guy who carries the ball to the 99th yard line and then just fumbles it right out of bounds. Yeah. You should have just brought it in then. I did. Instead of snakes.

Was that a problem? How did snakes do? Snakes... Yeah, speaking of snakes, dick, the person who snaked my problem for me. You know, snakes... Yeah, snakes got dead last because everyone's an idiot,

but you're the biggest snake, dick. What is this? Snake! From Metal Gear Solid, you remember? No. What is that? What a fucking non-nerd. That's an asshole.

Yeah, snakes. I can't believe you guys voted down snakes. You don't think snakes are a problem. I hope you all get bit by snakes. throat, you morons. Somebody also brought up that snakes eat rodents. You remember rodents? They caused, what was that?

Oh, yeah, the black plague. Great. So do cats. Cats eat rodents too, buddy. Are you going to be bringing in cats this episode? Spoilers, spoilers. Let's not get ahead of ourselves. Yeah, I can't believe you guys voted down snakes.

And then after that was not enough Black Friday violence, that was actually a good one. Yeah, and there wasn't enough this year either. I was watching that site, Black Friday Violence Counter or whatever it was. And there wasn't a lot of violence this year either. I guess it's over. We're tired of Black Friday. You know, Dick, congratulations for sneaking that problem for me that was absolutely blatantly theft.

I'm going to, you know, let the records reflect that that was my problem I brought in during your solution. Yeah, but you said surcharges were a solution buddy, and they're not. You didn't do, first of all, no. And you didn't do all the research that I did. You didn't do all that investigative journalism that I did. Digging for, like, laws that were, like, the Department of Transportation laws that were passed,

and the house laws and whatever other stuff that I did. Yeah, Nick, that's not. That was impromptu. I did that off the top of my head. That was shooting from the hip. Put a little more research into it next time. And then you two could be a winner. That was during your solution. I was trying to shoot down your bullshit-ass solution. I called you on it, buddy. Listen, I got a comment from CJ Kansen. Okay. He says, Dick did really well this episode. Great problems. Well thought out. Good use of argument and reason. And yes, very, very funny. Except for that part about being against holidays for workers.

What a fucking limp dick, gutless, spineless, brainless, low-lifes. piece of filthy worker-hating, gangrous pond scum. Go fuck yourself, Dick. Workers deserve time off. By the way, at 34 minutes and two seconds in, you said, a little Dick tip for you. Dick Masterson, yeah, I bet it's not just a little tip,

but the whole thing, that's tiny, Dick. Go masturbate with a sweatshop tear and blood of the children that work in them. Yeah, Dick. I guess I raised a lot of ire with my stance on private organizations being able to arrange contracts between private individuals. I guess that's shocking in today's climate.

You bet your ass it is, Dick. Because here's the thing, you kind of made it sound, you had such a smug stance about it too. You said, oh, well, why don't you just get a better job? Well, I got a comment from Ashley Morris, a listener. She says, I just hate when people automatically look down on people who work retail and say, well, if you don't like it, then better yourself.

Okay, well, the only reason I'm working retail again is because I have given up my entire life to take care of, of my dying sister who is dying from cancer. So not everyone really has a fucking choice to work retail. You know, Dick? That really makes my blood boil. Hey, I said sorry. What do you want me to do?

Non-apology, I'm calling you on it. If I could cure cancer, I would. For free. Oh, great, Dick. I would just spend all day laying my hands on people who were vexed by the curse of cancer and wiping it away from them, but I can't. Yeah.

I can shop on Black Friday and help you pay for whatever you got to pay for. That's what I can do. While you smugly look down on the retail workers, oh, why don't you just get a better job? You can't always get a better job because sometimes you're there. You have to move on a whim.

You move to a shitty city. You get in some financial downtrodden position. You have to work a shitty retail job, and you deserve a little bit of time off, which you can't get. Yeah, it's easy for you to say. It doesn't cost you anything to say that. I would like to remind you of that. And what does it cost you to say what you just said, Dick?

I'm just because I'm describing what reality is, people get all bent out of shape. Yeah. Like, sorry, life dealt you a bunch of lemons. Now you've got to suck them. Yeah. So, I'm sorry. Thanks, Dick.

Okay? I'm sure that comforts a lot of people who had to work with like writing. I'm not trying to. Yeah. I got a comment from a guy David Arbeck, who he's got this huge comment about what an asshole I am. But then he says, stores like Walmart and customers are the reason that I went on a hate-filled quest for better education. Not everyone may have that chance, though, so I guess he kind of agrees with the... Hate-filled.

What's that in reference, too? Well, he hated Walmart and he hated the hours and the working conditions so much that he went on a hate-filled quest for an education. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. You know, that's the beautiful story. That's the ideal scenario is you hate your job and you go better yourself, but, you know, not everyone can. Some people have mental disorders. Some people have physical disabilities.

Some people have medical bills that they didn't foresee. Like all the fucking people working during Black Friday had all these insane conditions? No, mostly people are stuck in positions they hate because they watch Netflix every night. night. That's what they're doing. That's the norm. Okay? If all the people who could get a better position in life did, then all the people who were left over would get more money because there wouldn't be as many of them. Yeah, that's the one percent of narrative, buddy. It's not my fucking fault. Yeah, that's the one percent of narrative. Do you say, oh, you want to work hard? If you work hard you can get, you can become a millionaire, you can become a billionaire, but you can't,

there isn't enough money to go around, buddy. The people at the top are staying at the top and and they hoarding all the money. I'm not here to teach you about regonomics. All right? Great, Dick. I got some voicemails for you. Let's hear it. Here's one about your great snakes problem from last time. Maddox, I emailed you eight years ago asking you to write about snakes, and your reply was, quote, and what the hell am I supposed to say about snakes?

Who gives a shit about them? Who gives you? And quote. And now they're the biggest problem in the universe. Fuck you, Maddox. Fuck you. Wow, twice? Fuck you!

You don't tell me fuck you twice? I tell you fuck you twice. Listen, man, I remember, I think he may have been the impetus for this article I wrote. I think it was called I am a genius, not you.

Yeah. And I talked about all the shitty suggestions I get for people that people send in for me to write on. And I talked about all the different topics people asked me to write about orange juice and snakes and all this horse shit

that aren't problems or whatever, except for snakes, rather. But I specifically asked him. You fucked up. Okay, yeah, you specifically said what? I don't get that. That's a video game? It's when Solid Snake dies at the end of Metal Gear Solid,

and he's trying to get the transponder from his kernel, and he's trying to get through. Oh, God, that's pretty cool. It is cool. Yeah, so I talked about this article, and people were quoting me left and right, and it was also the same article about how people wanted me to talk about African-Americans,

the phrase African-American. I was like, guys, first of all, you don't understand what it takes to write articles. You don't understand my genius, okay? If I'm going to write about snakes, first of all, snakes are the most boring pet. The most interesting they do is eat. But you know what?

You know what's more interesting than watching a snake eat? Have sex. That's way more interesting. What? You've seen a snake have sex? No, I have sex. Oh, having sex is more interesting than reading about snakes, you say.

No, watching a snake eat. I would rather have sex. What is that? What would you not rather have sex then? I can't imagine anything that I would rather do than have sex I don't know Dark Souls too maybe we'll see Look man sex is cool but you know Like there are other thing

Here's another guy who doesn't like me Hey I don't usually call into these things but Dick You are a fucking dickless piece of worthless gangrenous palm green That must be the same guy Yeah Get a thesaurus dude Oh you want to hear the whole thing

You're not being able to take holidays off How can you be against that man How can you be against that? People have died in this country for the right to have eight hour work days for the right to be able to go home and be with their families.

Yeah. Most other countries have died. Multiple holidays. Multiple. Most of their countries in the world have Easter off.

Most of other Christian countries and some non-Christian countries India, the Indian embassy in the U.S. gets off for Easter, but American workers don't. American workers work harder and longer than any workers

in the entire Western industrialized workers. You want to take away the few days they have to go and enjoy time with their families and not fucking slave their lives away making rich people money who don't need it. Making rich people money. You're a fucking piece of shit, you worthless fucking asshole. Yeah. Fuck you. Fuck you.

Yeah. What a hero. That guy's for the workers, man. That guy's the people's fan. Is there some reason you just can't eat dinner with your family like the next time you have a day off? Am I crazy? I didn't have Thanksgiving with my family. I had it with a bunch of assholes that I hate.

Dick, if you, I, yeah, which was me, actually. Thanks, thanks, Dick, I really appreciate it. You know, Dick, if you even checked our own fucking website, I linked to all sorts of stats and studies and interesting news articles, and one of them I linked to was on, I think it was like think progress or some bullshit website,

but it talked about this problem of employers threatening to fire their employees if they didn't work these shifts. And they posted pictures from signs they post up in break rooms that say, hey, you can't request any time off. between the days of November 15th through January 4th. That's over a month and a half.

Some people have to work every day in those shifts. They don't get any time off. And no, sometimes you work the night shift or graveyard shift. Those are times when your family's asleep. You don't get a few hours off to have with your family. You never do. In fact, when I worked at the old telemarketing company when I was a programmer, I worked a graveyard shift and I was asleep during the day,

so I never got to see my family. What is this, Oliver Twist? Is it people are getting off of work and then slaving over coals to be with their families and then passing out on their wooden benches and waking up and getting dragged to work? Is that what we're to believe? Maybe for one day a year. Maybe for Black Friday.

But that's just not the reality of the entire year. Yeah, it's just easy. Just get up and move to another state if you... No, no, no, no. I'm not saying it's easy, but you don't have a right to a job in this country. Did I do that? No. Okay, I didn't make these rules.

No, Erkel-Masserson, you didn't. Okay. Do you have any more voicemail? Yeah, sure I do. Well, what's yours? Go ahead. No, I got a big one. I think this one's addressed to you, speaking a big one. Great. Hey, guys, it's Alex from Toronto. I just called in this week actually to agree with you.

I really do think you suck your dicks a lot on this show. Well, anyway, good that we can find some common ground. Go fuck yourself, Dick. Oh, damn it, damn it. Yeah, go fuck yourself, Dick. I like that guy. And I'm glad they to agree is that we like ourselves a lot. Oh, and speaking of sucking our own dicks, we have the live show coming up, guys, Los Angeles, December 19th.

We're going to post more details. We're going to have, I don't know how we're going to do tickets. We're not going to have a lot of tickets available. We'll probably do it in two shifts. Yeah, it's going to be a shit show. Yeah, we probably have at most 40 people to seat and in two shifts of 20. So we'll see. We'll post the details on the website.

But, you know, we should have some kind of a form. We should set up a form on the website to handle it. Yeah. Well, you have to sign a release and everything. But we'll post more details as that comes. But December 19th is looking like the day. We'll do a daytime show and an evening show. We're going to do a live show, live taping,

and the biggest problem with guests. It'll be fun. Yeah. Yeah, it's going to be fun. It's going to go live. I got another comment for you. Robert Hillard. Dick, I took your cat-calling advice this weekend

to try to hook up with a few sorority chicks. I see at a club. You remember my cat-calling advice? Yeah, shit advice. I approached them all at different times, trying different methods with each. None of them remotely showed interest and I got kicked out of the club.

great advice numb nuts you're an amateur and a fool but most of all you are you are chode but then this guy Damien Graves he's my boy right he says it doesn't work well if you're fat or a loser did he spelled Y oh you are I bet he did what a moron I love no no it's a great burn because and there's a key word that makes it a great burn it's well it doesn't work well still saying that it should have worked still slamming this kid that the advice should have worked yeah and the advice was hit on as many girls as possible. It's simple. Just go up to each one. Hey, how's it going? Hey, my name is, what's this guy's name?

How? My name's Robert. What's going on? You're like that moron who joins a counterstrike server and just spins around, shooting everything with a shotgun. And I'm there with a fucking sniper, buddy. I shoot one bullet, one kill. Can you phrase this in an adult metaphor that isn't video games? Yeah, so I'm in Afghanistan, right? We're going after Osama bin bin Laden. You're in there fucking spraying the walls with shotgun shells, and I'm sitting there one shot, one kill, buddy, right in Osama's fucking eyes. Right between his eyes.

I'll definitely take the shotgun. It's easy. Just sit there, bloom, bloom, bloom, bloom. You don't hit anything. Spinning around like an idiot, get all dizzy. Well, it worked for our buddy, Butt Sanchez, didn't it? Speaking of Buttsanchez, who left the voicemail? Here you go.

Hey, Maddice, this is Butch Sanchez. Okay, you keep on giving me shit for not wearing a condom, but let me ask you something. How are you supposed to have sex Underwater with the condom? You fucking idiot. Yeah. How are you supposed to have sex underwater with a condom, you fucking idiot? You don't have sex underwater. You don't have sex in a hot tub?

Get out of here. No, man. It's nice on paper, but then in practice it's bullshit. Having sex in a hot tub, that's what they're made for. Yeah, but vaginas dry up, man. Water isn't a good lubricant. Surprise! There's some advice for you. Vaginas dry up. Yeah. Water isn't a good lubricant. It just doesn't fucking work, man. I've tried. Look, I've had sex in an ocean. I've had sex in swimming pools.

I've had sex in hot tubs. I've had sex in sinks like it doesn't fucking work. Sorry. Ocean? Yeah. You had sex in an ocean? Yeah, in the ocean? Yeah, in the ocean? Yeah. In the ocean? Yeah. I mean, it's sex in the ocean? I'm not going to get a story on you for having sex in the ocean? Yeah. I mean, At least in a pool and in a spa, you have something to leverage yourself off of. In the ocean seems like you're just humping the air like a dolphin. Do you see why it's weird that you would say the ocean? Because you're just floating around like a buoy stabbing your penis forward into the salt water. I don't have to jerk my entire fucking body.

How do you have sex in the ocean then? Well, with my hips, man, I just rock them. Look, here's the thing. I was in the water. I want you to, like, paint me the picture. Okay. How do you do it? Okay, so we're at the beach, right?

And everyone at the beach is an idiot. So I'm like, well, this is boring. I'm going to go have sex. So I walk out into the ocean. Okay. Yeah, I walk out into the ocean. And I'm there about, you know, the water's covering my shoulder. And I'm there with a pretty lady.

And I'm like, well, you know, here we are. And she, look, if she straddles me, this is going to get, you know, I'm not going to get too graphic. But if she straddles me, it looks like she's still standing up. So it doesn't, you doesn't have to be this thing that's like, oh, my, I'm humping over here, like a moron, like an amateur. Oh, so you're standing in the beach. I'm standing. You're having sex on the beach. I was in the ocean. I was in the water.

Okay. All right. Yeah. So that's how I happened. And she's straddling you so you look like some kind of satir, like with hairy legs, hairy manly legs and an upper woman body. All right. Well, Butt Sanchez is right. You can't have sex in a hot tub with a condom on. Yeah. That's, well, you shouldn't have sex in the hot tub. By the way, it dries up with a condom too. With or without a condom. Doesn't matter. It's still can drab. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So anyway, Dick, is that all the voicemail you got? Because I got one. Yeah, go ahead.

So in our bonus episode this week that was just released, we talked about this video that... You have something on me from yesterday? Fuck you. So I got a voicemail. So remember, in the bonus episode, I played that video from Angelo Mike, a fan who sent in this video of him interviewing his mom, who was kind of shitting on you. And she was really pissed off, Dick, because you... You're being an asshole. Yeah, yeah, that's what I was doing.

Real smarting. So I created an entire soundboard. For those of you who haven't listened to the... bonus episode yet. You'll be hearing the sound for the rest of the season, probably. Probably the rest of the series that are great. But I have a voicemail that she sent in, Dick. Here's part of it.

Yeah, galabanga to you. Galabanga to you. Calabanga? If this is Dick Masterson, man, I'm telling you, I can stand the way you talk about women. You such a disgusting, filthy mouth

and take your freaking glasses off. I don't know if you're dating. women, what kind of woman he will date you? You know? But I tell you, you're the biggest Malacca in the universe. Oh, a Malacca? And go short for that word. You're calling me a Malacca?

Yeah, she called you a Malacca. Uh-huh. I know what a Malacca is, lady. Yeah. A Malacca for those who don't know is a Greek word for jerk off. Yeah. Jerk off. Yeah, it's you, buddy.

Oh, boy, oh boy. I'll tell you what kind of girls date me, uh, Angela's mom. The same kinds who call my voicemail. Yeah. Well, here's who. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, great.

Great, Dick. Just one little step over. First, they're pissed off. Then they want to bang you. Yeah, you think she's going to date? I don't think so. Here's what she says about me. She actually has something to say about me.

Maddox, I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you, Maddox. You, my favorite, okay? I'm her favorite. Yeah, I'm her favorite, Dick. And here's what, here's more, here's more.

Hey, why don't you guys go get married? Maybe we will. I love Angelo's mom. Here's what she says about you, dude. But that, that friend. of yours who are talking about women no Maddox he doesn't deserve your friendship

I love you Marys Talk about I'm better than your kids remember the book What is this a plug? I love I'm better than you kids I have you books I look at them every day Almost you know now Angelou took Away from me and I don't have them But when I have him

I look at him every day and you make me so happy You make me so happy Maddox I don't have the book Yeah, you did. You took it away from me. What? Yeah, you did.

Anyway, I just love you, Maddox, and Dick Masterson. Just get yourself a woman, a real woman, and be a real man. Yeah, Dick. Be a real man. And who are you gay? Jeez, Angelo's mom, why don't you pull your nose out of Maddox's asshole? You dumb shit! No, she loves me, man. She looks at your book every day. It's a good book, but holy shit.

Every day. I love you, Maddox. She loves me. She loves me. Angel's mom. I'm making fans, baby. You're ruining. You're destroying them.

I'm destroying them? Yeah. Oh. That's what you do? Like our poor caller, what was his name? CJ Canton, who called in. Called you gangrous ponds come. I mean, look, I get, if you're really angry and you want to take out the fact that you got to work on Thanksgiving out on me, that's fine.

But I'm not the one who's, I'm not the one who's making. can you show up. I'm not the one writing the check. You one percenter. I'm not even shopping. Great. Well, let's get to the problems, Dick. What do you got? Brodowns. What the hell is a brodown? You know what a brodown is? I looked at, I looked up Urban Dictionary to see if they agreed with me on what a brodown was, and they don't. Okay. But that's never stopped me before. I don't think Urban Dictionary is accurate, and all of its slang. It is a lot, but then it seems a little silly at times.

Well, yeah, because anyone can edit it. It's like Wikipedia. You know, the source that you use for most of your arguments? Yeah, you're right. That's not nearly as good as Wiki Howe. Hey, shut up. All right, so what's a bro down? A bro down, a bro down. I'll tell you a little story. I'll tell you what a brodown is. Okay. I was at a house party.

Uh-huh. With you. Oh. So I was at a house party about halfway, maybe three quarters away through a bottle of wild turkey. All right? So if my, if my interpretation of events, if my recollection of events starts to deviate. Please tell me if that's the case. I will.

All right? Because you were there for most of this. Yeah, I was. Yeah. Simple little house party. Party's dying down. We're in the backyard. And an altercation was started.

Well, all right. Okay, already. Okay. Was the altercation started? Did it just spontaneously happen? You know, who knows with these things? Sometimes altercations are just in the ether. And someone happens to discover it first.

Is it really their fault for finding? the altercation before the other person, it was in the ether. It was in the ether. Our altercation was just there. Yeah. And we just stumbled upon it. You and I.

You and I stumbled upon this altercation. Who started this altercation? Okay. You be the judge. You know, listeners be the judge of who, who quote unquote started this. Yeah. There was a beer pong table in the backyard

that had been used all night. The party was dead. It was dying. It was winding down. Yeah, winding down. Yeah. And there was a beer pong table that was covered in half full beers.

Those little solo cups, right? You're an optimist. Hey, how about that? How about that, Angelo's mom? Not such a bad guy. I'm an optimist. You are a jackass. Oh, she's going to love this story.

So, beer pong table covered in beerie solo cups. And I think I'm sitting there with my dog and my bottle of whiskey. And I think, man, sitting next to an orange tree. And I think, man, wouldn't it be really funny if somebody threw an orange at all of these solo cups and they, like, shot everywhere. Yeah. Like bowling, except also exploding drinks everywhere. And also at the behest of a huge asshole.

But yes, go on. Like, wouldn't it be funny if it happened? And then suddenly I was doing it. Right? Whoa, whoa, Dick. You just give it an important piece here. You turned to me and you said... No, no, no.

Oh, you came out before I did the first one. You came out after I did the first one. No, I was there for all of them. Yeah, I was there. You drunk asshole. I was right next to you. You turned to me. This is great. We're all learning stuff.

I'm learning my own story. Yeah. You turned to me and he said, Hey, man, you think I could hit those cups from here? And I said, yes, Dick. And he goes, let's see. Let's see if you're right. Yeah.

So I could. I could hit the cups. You threw it. I threw the orange and like, I don't know, probably 10 cups go splattering everywhere. As it turns out, these dumb guys happened to be standing kind of close to these cups. They each had a date.

It was two guys and two girls. Was it? I thought it was two guys and one girl. He was the third one. You're right. That's what it was. You're right. That gets even better.

Yeah. And I don't even think... I only see women in doubles when I'm drunk. Yeah. Of course. I don't even think any beer splashed on him, by the way. Oh, no, no, no, no. Definitely not because, like, even in my drunk state, I thought they were far away.

Okay. Like, I thought they were far enough away. I thought this was a safe move. Yeah, it was. Right? You surprisingly were less of an asshole than usual, but yes. I don't want to splatter beer all over people. No, you're not...

I mean, I have been ejected from Dodger Stadium for doing that. But that's a different story. I learned my lesson. I didn't want to get this guy wet. You're not a jerk. You're a dick. Thank you. Yeah.

So throw the orange, beer shoots everywhere, and it was awesome. Yeah. It was as cool as I thought it would be, right? Yeah, it was pretty cool. Yeah, it was cooler than sitting there doing nothing. It was cooler than nothing. Right, okay. I'll give you that, Dick.

So then I was like, oh, man, I got to do that again. That was cool, right? Is that accurate? Well, before that... Oh, so this is when he... This is when the altercation was found. This is when the altercation appeared. The wild altercation appeared.

Like a Pokemon. And this guy turns to me and, what do you call me? A stupid motherfucker. Hey, you stupid motherfucker. Yeah, hey, you asshole. What are you doing throwing oranges? So he said, I demand an apology. He said, I want an apology, didn't he?

That was the second one, Dick. Get to the second orange. The first one, he said, hey, what the fuck is your problem? And you say, I don't know, man. And he goes, don't do that again. Uh-oh, that was the mistake. So I do it again. Immediately, he grabs an orange off the tree and throws it,

before he could almost finish the sentence, it was already on the table. I mean, you have to. Well, okay. When people say with no authority to not do something that is fun and cool and everyone's looking at it, you have to do it again. Sure. He just stepped to the side. I didn't get him, if I had gotten him wet, he would have said, you got beer all over me.

He probably would have said that, yeah. Yeah, so he obviously didn't. I was right in thinking that. Yeah. Could have just moved over. I have a bottle of whiskey in my hand. You're reasoning with this person? Yeah, he's an idiot.

That's the idiot. He's the idiot. I'm with you, dude. Okay, thank you. Yeah. And you were that night, because you were laughing like an asshole. Oh, of course. At this point, when I did it again.

It's hilarious. So he turns around and starts losing his shit, saying, basically the same, basically reiterating his point and then adding, I want an apology. Yeah. I want an apology out of you. He said, what the fuck's your problem? I thought I told you not to throw another orange. He got really aggressive at this point.

And his friends are kind of looking at us and looking at everyone's getting really tense now. Except for me. Except for me, of course. Except for you, the unflappable drunk asshole. And so he turns out of this, I want you to fucking apologize right now. And this is, I want to redo it. I want to try to redo it. I don't know if I can because it was so, it was so funny when I did.

It's hard to recreate. But say that again. Okay. You better apologize right now. Sorry. Yep. That was about it. That was about it.

And then it was just. just dead silence, right? Yeah. Because you never expect that. Like, these guys never just expect you to do what they say to do. Right. Because you can't apologize because that's like questions your manhood, right? Yeah, and he doesn't know what an asshole, insincere prick you are.

Because you never mean an apology. The non-apology king right here. Yeah. Yeah. So immediately, he was like, well, okay then. Well, don't do it again. Better not do it again. Well, see?

I might not have done it again, but he's got to keep piling on, right? So he turns around, and I would say I have decent comedic timing. Well, I wait until it's, I wait until it's as funny as I think it will be. And I, before, and I grab another orange, of course, because I'm like, all right, I can't just do it right away. Because then it makes me seem like I really want this, you know? I got to really let it, let it die down. Well, you turned to us and asked for our opinion, Dick. Do you remember this?

Right, yes, I do. Yeah. I don't remember what I said, though. Okay. You turned to me first. You said, should I throw another one? and I just kind of shrug and I think I don't know man it'd be pretty funny

but he seems pretty worked up at this point if I don't get a no like an emphatic no I'm doing it right that's what's going on in my mind when this has happened yeah I'm telling you and then you turn to your left and there was this British guy sitting there just like comfortably like cozily sipping a beer casually

just sitting there yeah he's just watching and you turn to him and said hey man what do you think should I throw this orange and he kind of shrugs and goes I don't No. And then we're sitting there debating whether or not we should throw the orange and you're like, and I can see in the background, you're not paying attention. But I notice the guy he's like getting worked up.

He's getting into, yeah, super, what's the, with the Dragon Ball Z guy? Again, I don't know. Whatever. Gohan? Is that a thing? Yeah, Super Saran. No, no. What's like, Super cyan?

Super cyan. Yeah, he's like getting super cyan, right? Yeah. So that's the guy who's hair shoots up and he was like, oh, right? Okay, I know that guy. Amayama car or whatever the thing is. So then our. other buddy comes out and you see he's a he's a good friend of ours and he turned to him and he's

kind of like a fatherly figure he has this like fatherly affect about him so he comes out and he turn to him and say hey man think i should throw this orange and he kind of knowing that he's seen nothing of what's transpired so far yeah like just setting him up because i thought it'd be funny yeah and he kind of sheepishly says like shrugs no and then so i no while this is happening i'm looking at that threesome yeah and there's this dude who's like the one guy the one guy who's flipping out already has like, he looks like a neck beard, right? Like he's got a big stupid beard. He literally has a neck beard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. His other guy is like a trim fit guy in a motorcycle jacket who looks like a badass, right? The guy with the girl. Was that accurate? Oh, the guy with

the greaser looking guy. That was a cool motorcycle jacket. Yeah, that guy looked fucking cool. So I'm, I make eye contact with him holding this orange in my hand and I'm like, eh? Like, look at him. He just goes, he tries not to look, he tries not to show any expression on his face, but he just kind of like shakes his head. Right. Right. Like, okay. dude, that's a buy-in. I got a buy-in from you. So clearly, clearly this isn't going to go too far south if I do. So once our friend comes out, the fatherly guy and shrugs, I'm like, yeah, I throw it. I lob this orange and it pockets like 10 cup into one of these solo cups and fucking explodes. Is that accurate? It destroyed, like it hit pockets of cups that I didn't even know there was.

Like, it felt like a video game when they crashed and went smashing all over the table. Yeah, pretty funny. You didn't see. splash him still, though. Oh, still. No, of course not. So, so I'm dying of laughter at this point because of the tension. Like that, you know, that, like, tension that usually gives people anxiety. I'm like, I love it.

I'll start laughing. I just hear, that's it. This guy, this guy comes fucking storming over, like, the bushwhackers, like the beginning of Donkey Kong, right? I'm throwing my fists up in the air, like back and forth over here. You can't see, but I'm throwing it up like a gorilla, right? like this big silver back gorilla, and he comes screaming over at me, that's it, that's it, that's it, you want to go?

You want to go? And of course I don't want to go. Like, I've achieved maximum enjoyment of this. You've already gone. I've gone, I've already come. Yeah, you know, so he gets in my face and starts, like, you know, trying to, like, rub his nipples on mine, I guess, which is what got, this is a brodown. This right here is the bro down.

He gets his chest out, right? And he starts smushing it against me. And I've got a bottle of whiskey in one hand and the leash of the, a dog in the other hand and he's losing his fucking mind. So I start keeling over with laughter, right? You guys are, I don't know if you're trying to get involved at this point. Oh, no, yeah, I'm just sitting back and like, well, I want to see this asshole get punched. Oh, yeah. Meaning either me or him, I don't know. Yeah, he's puffing up his chest like a dullard. Like he's going to do something. Rubbing his nipples on you, which is, which is an aggressive

move. That's what a bro down is. You try to rub your nipples against the other guy's nipples until one of you comes, I guess, I don't know, because it never comes to blows. Hey, bro. What do you think of these nipples? What's the edge? What's the edge, bro? I told you watch you potter. How tender are your nipples, bro? My nipples are tender as shit. My nipples is as shit, man. I won't come. So this guy is doing this, and I'm, I'm keeling over with laughter. You're doubled over. Doubled over, laughing. Yeah. Drunker than hell. And he's like, why don't you stand up and fight me like a man? Stand up and you're such a bitch. You're such a And I'm like, I can't, I can't, I can't.

I got to, these guys get involved at this point. Like, okay, okay, you're a huge asshole. Yeah. What are you doing? Like, what are you doing? Well, you didn't mention that he pushed you at this point. So he tried to provoke you into a fight. And that's when you were doubled over laughing because he pushed you and you couldn't

control your laughter. Oh, I can't. I just can't. And so after he pushed you, I walked over to this guy and I said, okay, man, take it easy. He's drunk. He's an idiot. Just let him go.

You're trying to, again... Idiot like a fox. Again, Dick, you're trying to reason with a drunk idiot. Don't, you can't reason with drunk people. You just ignore them and avoid them. They're going... They're loose cannons. You don't know what they'll do.

They'll probably stab me with a broken whiskey bottle, as you could have done. But... Yeah. Well, yeah, I mean, you're a dick. I mean, you shove me back. Oops, I just broke this whiskey bottle. Oops. Two Mr. McGoo, Mr. Bean slips.

And this guy just lost a shit head. What a shit. That's my problem. It's bro-downs. Because this happens all the... fucking time. And it's embarrassing to me as a man to see men doing this. It's shameful. What are you doing? Why are you putting on this big retarded display over solo cups? Yeah, I don't know, Dick. It sounds like the problem was you being a drunk idiot. Yeah, but this happens all the time

without me. And usually there's some other moron on the other side of this who also wants to get his nipples in on the action. And then it turns into a fight. It never turns into a fight. Excuse me. It never turns into a fight. It's just a big, weird dance that guys do. Yeah. Yeah, you know, Dick, that's true to an extent, because if you mess with the wrong crowd, like in Los Angeles, there are gangs, right? They're gang members. And sometimes they got their homies and they're cowards. They don't want to fight one-on-one, so they'll get all their buddies to jump in on you, and then you're fucked. Because one of them's going to fight dirty and stab you. Sure. Yeah, well, that's what you're sending yourself up for. That's why it's a problem you're saying. Well, the problem, of course,

is the drunk idiot. Not the bro-down. Look, the bro-down of the problem. Look, this is like, if you get run into the wrong way on the subway, there's going to be a bro-down. It's like, when did guys turn into these mafioso, want to be gangsters that, like, they need to be respected at all times? I think since-

When did that happen? Since the beginning, Dick. Guys have always been that way. You don't think it's getting worse? It could be. No, I think it's getting better. Dick, here's another impromptu Dick versus Dick. Weren't you saying a couple episodes back that it's,

It's impossible to provoke someone into a fight. Nobody wants a fight anymore. Yeah. Yeah. Well, they just want to put on this spectacle in front of all their friends. You didn't take the bait. This guy tried. Dude, if he wanted to fight me, he would have just walked over and hit me. That's a fight.

That's how you start a fight. You don't come in with nipples blazing. Trying to snipple sword fight me. Look, he did shove you. That's a provocation. You actually had the justification for self-defense. Ah, please. Get out of here.

It is, but it's not a fight. What is it? Do we have to, like, is it like foreplay of fighting? You got to ask me out with a shove and then I, like, send you notes in class and kiss you to so we get to the next point where we're actually exchanging blows? It's just, at this age, yeah, exactly. At this age, I'm not fighting over solo cups, man. What are you getting so been out of shape for?

Yeah, no, you're right, Dick. Like, he was a bro, for sure. He was bro-dowing hard, and his nipples were hard. I saw them. I saw them glistening in the nethering. the night, because maybe he did splash some beer on him, because he had some really fucking pointy nipples. His beard was hard, too.

Yeah, his whole body was, like a boing. Oh, man. And then after we kind of broke it up, me, and I think the British guy, oh, calm down, mate, come down. And so he got him to turn around. And he walks over past his friends where he was just having a nice conversation, a nice night that he could have avoided just simply by taking a step to the left away from the ping pong table.

He's probably cock-blocking that guy, by the way. Probably was. Fucking beardo. He's a angry little fuck. In a bad mood because he's not getting late. Yeah. Maybe you should listen to yours and But Sanchus's advice and you can get Chlamydia in a hot tub. But listen, man, he could have like stepped up one steps to the left and avoided this whole thing.

Then when he turned around and walked back to his friends, I saw him still like super cyan mode, right? He's sitting there with his back turn to the rest of the party. Like everybody, he's kind of like sulking in the corner where it's dark. And you can see just like the silhouette of him, right? And he's just like, his arms are tense and his muscles are kind of, he's just kind of gripping his fist. He's so mad. Price this guy. Dude, fucking chill out, dude.

It's three in the morning. Everyone at this party's drunk. Go home. Or come throw some oranges with me. Take a little stress. No, no, no. Well, I started looking stuff up on like this angry white men phenomenon. Have you heard of that?

Why adding race in this? Well, that's what it's called. Okay. I mean, this is like, it's... According to who? The internet. I don't know. Okay.

Well, because I tried to find some actual stats on this or some actual research, or at least some talking points. And it's all these authors talking. talking about how masculinity is ending. It's the end of the masculine era. And all these guys are all pissed off that they don't have a place in the world anymore. But I don't think that's true.

I don't think that's what was going through that guy's mind when he's raging out and his bro-down. I disagree. I think that is true. I think that guys do need sometimes they need that outlet. Like I know some people, for example, Tucker Max, the author Tucker Max, right? He's my buddy. He was really kind of aggressive and he mellowed out a lot.

after he started taking fighting lessons and he started doing MMA stuff. He really mellowed out a lot. He just needed to get that out of his system. Well, maybe, I don't know, maybe that guy found a way to get it out of his system. Yeah, you, you made him, you made his masculine boner come, dude. Here's the stats I did find. Here's the stats for you. The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, something from the government,

paid a million bucks in tax dollars to fund a five-year study of alcohol and bar violence that determined, get a load of this, get a load of this million dollar finding. Bar fights tend to occur in venues that are relatively dark, dirty, noisy, hot, and crowded, featuring frequented by clientele that are younger and less agreeable and more impulsive heavy drinkers.

We paid a million bucks for that. Wow. Yeah, pretty good. We got to be running. They nailed it, though. That's true. Yeah, it's accurate. That's true.

It's accurate. And or people's backyard parties where everyone's just trying to chill out until Dick tries to throw oranges at a beer beer table. Yeah, that's pretty much. I don't know. I got a lot of stuff on this macho thing.

But it was very weird to research. Because all these authors do is rip on like the stereotypical conservative man. Like they all hate, they all hate your typical bad guys, tea party guys. Let me see here. They hate badass as it sounds like, right?

No, it's not so. much badass is it's just like, here's my point. I don't think it's specific to any, any, any, any kind of background or ideology. What, the brodown? Yeah, the brodown. I, it's, I, I think, no, I think it is mostly non-liberal, like, I think most of my liberal friends are pacifists. Really? Yeah, I think so. I think I can rev anybody up. Oh, I can too, buddy. I love doing it. I'm good at it. That's what I do for a living. Well, I guess that's what I, that's what I disagreed with, with their liberal bent that somehow these liberal men are beyond broying down. But I don't know, maybe it is true.

Well, it's easier to provoke somebody who's more prone to be violent or a warhawk, for example. And that's why I think they're trying to mix in some political slant with this, because it's thought that conservatives are generally more hawkish than liberals. Liberals are more dovish, consider, you know, that's what people consider, right? So that's why they're saying if you provoke somebody who's more hawkish, they're more likely to be provoked into violence. 90% of physical altercations go to the ground, according to cops. So this guy wanted to, like, wrestle around on the ground with me.

And who are you gay? It's hard nipples, man. That's just so insecure. Come on, guys, come on, you're making us look bad. Chill out, bros. All right, Dick. Not a problem. Let's get to a real one, huh?

Was that a 30-minute story? Sorry. Jesus. Celebrity worship. That's my. problem. Shit. Yeah, what do you mean shit?

I think you've heard the last of my Maddox lost song. Yeah. Bravo, Maddox. I love you, Maddox. So here we go. So they're the reason. Celebrity worship is the reason we have anti-vaxxers. So I brought in anti-vaxxers a couple episodes ago,

and everybody thought that was a huge problem because it's putting the entire society at risk, right? It's jeopardizing the world, potentially. Yeah. We have Jenny McCarthy in part to think for anti-vaxxers. She believes her child was diagnosed with autism due to vaccines, right? She did her own independent research

and concluded that autism rates have risen with vaccination rates. Oh, correlation must cause causation, right? She failed to control for variables such as chemicals used in construction, clothing, plastics, known carcinogens, diet, water, atmosphere, or countless other things she didn't control for.

Well, what about, like, the fact that we're paying attention to it now? What? That's a pretty big control. The fact that the diagnosis Like, we actually try to diagnose it now. What, autism? Yeah.

Yeah. That's a pretty big... I would say that's bigger than all of the other things she didn't control for. Right. It's not necessarily that autism is on the rise, but it's that we're more able to diagnose it correctly. Yeah.

Because we have tools today that are able to diagnose autism that we didn't have in the past, because it's not something that people were looking for. And autism wasn't always on a spectrum. So now we have a much greater understanding of autism. You're right, Dick. So here's a much greater understanding of autism. Here's another celebrity. So people look up to Jenny McCarthy, right?

Her fans listen to her. They go out and they buy her book. And then they find out that she has this crazy fucking anti-vaxxer view. And then they might decide to be an anti-vaxxer because of her. Because these celebrities are influential, right? Yeah, because what are they going to say? They're heroes and idiot? You can't say that. No, no, you can't. Well, speaking of, my hero's an idiot. Chuck Norris. Oh, no. Look, man, Chuck Norris is a badass in all his movies. But in his real life, he's kind of an idiot. He wants

he wanted Texas to secede from the union because our government is too secular. Did you know that? Oh, that's not. Well, I guess I'm an idiot too then. I don't think it's idiotic to want that. To secede from the union? That's so fucking selfish. That's making America weaker. If you have a huge fucking state like Texas secede from the

union, fuck off. You don't like... That's called a negotiation. No, it's not you moron. Look, the liberal, the conservative version of liberals threatening to go to Canada is secession. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. Exactly. Well, going to Canada isn't so stupid either. Yes, it is.

Well, why? If you hate the U.S., get out of here. Look, man, if there's a problem with the U.S., you tough it up, you stick it out, and you solve the problem, right? Oh, we got slavery. Let's just up and leave. Let's not solve slavery. That's what people like Chuck Norse would do. They would try to secede. Let's keep slavery, but let's also succeed from America and destroy America. Selfishness. America is based on selfishness. I'll never forget that. Patricia Heaton, she's the wife of Ray on Everybody Loves Raymond. She's opposed to abortion and euthanasia.

She opposed a Missouri State Constitutional Amendment for embryonic stem cell research, which passed, by the way. Stem cell research is like one of the best things that humanity has discovered. You know what, that's a pretty good solution. Yeah, it is. Tibbs. Yeah, fuck you, Dick. Not that it matters, because you're just going to steal it, like the airline surcharge one. Anyway, Kirk Cameron.

You remember Kirk Cameron? He was the star of Growing Pains from the Night. Yeah, I remember that guy. Yeah, he's a creationist who creates anti-evolution propaganda linking Darwinism to Nazi racial theories. He calls homosexuality unnatural, detrimental, and ultimately destructive to the foundations of civilization. Hmm. Yeah. Kirk Cameron, all his acolytes, his fans are looking up to him.

They're going to be anti, they're going to be homophobic. Yeah. Donald Trump. You don't think people can just say like, ah, fuck that part of his beliefs. I still like him as an actor, but... Yeah, they can. The intelligent ones. Yeah.

Oh, okay. So most people are... Most people are idiots. Okay. Right. These are the people... These are the people who adhere to celebrities. I don't know.

I think your fans are able to say that snakes are cool. They're able to say, what the fuck is Maddox talking about with snakes? You know what? My fans are mostly intelligent until they disagree with me. Then you have Donald Trump, right? What? What's wrong with him?

Everything. He's a moron. He kept hinting at a 2012 presidential run, wasted people's... time just to promote his show, The Apprentice. Genius. He's done it time after time again. No, it's not. It's embarrassing. Free advertising. Yeah, well, it's not

free because it comes to the expense of taxpayers. Because we have to give this idiot, this bozo air time to debate in the presidential debates when he's not serious about running. It costs you and me money. We paid for that. Then he championed a cause for the birther movement, doubting every piece of

evidence that proved him wrong that Obama was born in the United States. He was one of the main reasons that 51% of primary voters believe that Obama was born in Kenya. Meanwhile, John McCain, who was running against Obama the first time, was actually born in the Panama Canal Zone,

which makes him not a naturalized U.S. citizen. Wait, wait, McCain? Was born in Panama? Yeah. But in a U.S. part of Panama? No. No, it's a Panama Canal Zone, which makes he's a U.S. citizen, but he's not a

naturalized U.S. citizen. He's not a natural. Well, the difference is, if you have U.S. parents and you're born a or whatever, you can, I think, that still makes you a U.S. citizen, but not a naturalized U.S. citizen. And naturalized U.S. citizen has to be born on American soil. The Panama Canal is not U.S. soil. Like, not, not officially, not one of the states or anything like that. So the laws about this are actually kind of murky. I even check Snopes to make sure this checks out. Snopes said it's undetermined because the laws is really murky on this.

But realistically, John McCain is less of a naturalized citizen than Obama. Obama was actually born in Hawaii, so. Yeah, that was still a fun ride, though, when it was like, where was he born? Let's see the certificate. More wasting time. Ah, what is life? Come on. It was fun to see on TV. Yeah. You dumb shit.

Oh, yeah. I'm so stupid. I think it's entertaining to watch these blowhards power it out on television. Speaking of blowhards, John Wayne was pro-Vietnam War. Great war. Awesome war. America got a lot out of that one, didn't they? So here's think, Dick. I was actually doing some research. We got Boris Gump out of it. Oh, great. Got a movie. billions of dollars and we got one movie to show for it.

I did this research. Apocalypse now. We got two good movies out of it. Sorry. Yeah, but we also got, what's his name? Who went on the, uh, the, the, the, the wind tour, uh, from two and a half man, your hero? Oh, Charlie Sheen. Charlie Sheen.

Wasn't he in Apocalypse now? That was, that's where he got his start, I think. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's where he kind of got his, his, uh, his big, uh, that was his big role. You don't like Charlie Sheen? Uh, two and a half man is awful. He was, uh, he was like all about getting,

asking questions about the World Trade Center. Talk about celebrity worship, because I love that guy until I heard that. I was like, ah, shit. Yeah, then let me say no. I don't like him. So there's actually, I looked into this, and there's a Wikipedia article called, it's actually a syndrome. It's called Celebrity Worship Syndrome.

Oh. Yeah, this is an actual thing. So I started looking into this. There is a PhD, by the name of John D. Moore. And he suggests in 2013 that there exists three primary types of celebrity stalkers. Right? There's simple obsession. That's the first one.

There is love obsessional. And the third one is erotomanic. What the hell is that me? So the first one, simple as obsessional, is 70 to 80% of all stalking cases. It's a form of stalking that's associated with individuals who have shared previous personal relationships with their victims. So people become... Ex-girlfriends, stuff like that? Yes, yes, usually.

So people who become obsessed with celebrities, so they become stalkers. That's the simple obsessive. They're usually kind of benign and harmless. They're not actually, you know, going to cause any harm. The second one is love obsessional. So love obsessional stocking is the category that most celebrity stalkers fall into. They convince themselves that they are in a relationship with a celebrity, usually someone that they've never met. For example, David Letterman had a stalker for five years who claimed to be his wife, even though they had no personal relationship.

And that she was sending her secret encoded messages every night on TV. Yeah. Yeah, that was funny. They believe that, yeah. Then the erotomanic one, that was the weird one, right? These comprise of less than 10% of stalking cases, these stalkers genuinely believe that their victims are in love with them, right? Individuals who suffer from erotomania tend to believe that their celebrity

with whom they are obsessed with is utilizing the media as a way to communicate. What you just said, Dick, with them by sending them special signals or messages. Yeah, it was her. Right, it was hurt. And it's usually an indication of schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, or severe depression. You got two big old different problems here, though. What's that? Because you got the autism one caused by Jenny McCarthy.

Yeah. That's, like, dangerous for people. Like, what if, I don't know, who's, what if Lord suddenly, like, became a KKK member? That'd be bad. Yeah, and I think some percentage of our fan base would look into it very seriously. Yeah. But then you got this one, this is like, this is schizophrenic people, right? Well, that's not harm.

I mean, these people are crazy if there's celebrities or not. But this is, this is the one part of it, right? but this is just the erotomaniac one. That's less than 10% of celebrity stalkers, but that's what celebrity worship leads to, is stalking. One study found evidence to suggest that the intense personal celebrity worship dimension was related to higher levels of depression and anxiety. Similarly, another study in 2004 found that the intense personal celebrity worship

dimension was not only related to higher levels of depression and anxiety, but also higher levels of stress, negative affect, and reports of illness. So all this constant intense focus on celebrities in our culture is kind of enabling people with mental disorders to become stalkers and to act on their insane delusions. That's interesting. Yeah. Celebrity worship disorder. But celebrity worship, really, if you look up to a celebrity

and they happen to have a really shitty point of view, like, for example, that creationism is the belief that we should adhere to over evolution, or that homosexuality is destructive to society or that we shouldn't vaccinate our children isn't that a huge fucking problem, Dick? More so than say, I don't know, bro-downs? No.

Crazy. What would it take for... What if Godzilla came out as like a creationist? Would you stop being a Godzilla fan? Godzilla's a fictional character, Dick, and he can't talk. What's the difference? All these celebrities are fictional fucking characters. That's the point.

That's why it's weird when they come out with these hard stances on anything. Because they're not real. You get this version of them that no human could possibly be. Dick, but they're influencing legislation. Like in Kansas City, they try to, I think they successfully got creationism to be taught alongside evolution in biology classes. Yeah. You don't think that's a problem?

It's people like Kirk Cameron who are backing this shit with his celebrity power, with a star power. I agree that it's a problem. Yeah, it is a big problem. Thank you. What's your next problem, Dick? My next problem, this is a bigger and more universal problem because it affects way more people. Okay.

Undercooked rice. Fuck you, dick. I know exactly what they just kiss me off. Oh. So, I got some stats for you. Rice is the main food for half the people in the world. Did you know that? But it was the food for zero people at Thanksgiving this year.

Because someone undercooked the rice. You're so full of shit, dude. This guy is dumb. I have more stats for you. Rice is the source of one quarter of global per capita human energy. Did you know that? Yeah. A quarter of human energy in the world.

Real impressive asshole. But it was the source of one quarter of the complaints at Thanksgiving dinner this year. Real funny, Dick. Because it was undercooked. Real funny. You suck. Yeah. Yeah.

11% of the world's arable land is given over to rice cultivation. Do you know that? 500 million hectares. But 11%. But 100% of the rice Maddox made for Thanksgiving was undercooked. Fuck you, Dick. These are interesting stats, don't you think? How dare you?

And I got this one was particularly interesting. It takes 5,000 liters of water to produce a kilo of rice. However, it only takes one guy to not cook rice enough to eat. That's ridiculous. Yeah, Dick, I actually... I have a stats for you. Right? 100% of the dishes

were made by other people at Thanksgiving. Dick brought no side dishes. Dick brought nothing but Mount Gay alcohol that he drank all by himself. I also brought beer. I brought a 30 pack of Bud Light for everyone and I brought a 12 pack of fat tire for me. Yeah.

Yeah, that you drank by yourself like an asshole. You undercooked the rice at Thanksgiving. So everyone knows what we're talking about. someone made undercooked rice at Thanksgiving. You're a moron. It was...

Well, how would you determine if rice is undercooked in? I want to be scientific and objective about this. Well, if the grains of rice are crunchy, it's undercooked.

Bingo. They were. But they weren't. You know, what was crunchy in my rice? Okay. So here's the full story. I was invited

to a Thanksgiving party and I said right up top, hey guys, I'll make a fucking badass pie. better than any fucking grandma can make. Because that's what I do, man.

I take grandma's recipes and blow them out of the water, baby. I make them way better than they were. That's true. I love your pies. Yeah. And I made this beautiful lattice top apple pie with intertwined lattices on top, crust from scratch. It was delicious.

And then I also noticed that multiple people were bringing pies, so I thought, well, I don't want to be that guy bringing an extra pie to a party. It's a showy thing to bring. What? Pie? Yeah. You're a showy thing to bring. No, no, no, no.

I'm saying everybody brings it because they're bringing, it's like a newborn at a potluck. Like, look at this beautiful pie I made. No one appreciates a big bowl of rice, especially if it's undercooked. Yeah, yeah, Dick. I'm getting to that. So I noticed all these people are bringing pie. So I said, you know what, guys, instead of pie, I'll bring my festive motherfucking rice.

And that's what I call it, or my hella festive rice, right? But I decided that the last minute, uh-oh. I'm going to go all out and I'm going to bring both. I'm going to bring pie and rice. Uh-huh. And so I have this recipe for my mom, who's a great cook. Right. And she makes this peel off rice, right?

With a bunch of interesting, like delicious things like chestnuts and cranberries and apricots and almonds and walnuts and all sorts of like interesting stuff with wild rice. And she makes this delicious dish for Thanksgiving. Uh-huh. It's kind of a Mediterranean recipe because my mom's from that region of the world, right? So I looked it up online to find a recipe like that, and I found one. And part of that recipe called for toasted slivers of almonds. And that's what I put in my rice.

And that's what every fucking uneducated, uncultured moron who's used to eating just boring mashed potatoes with slabs of butter like a fucking douche thought was crunchy. They thought it was undercooked rice because they don't even have a refined enough palate

to determine when their tongue is eating something clearly that's an almond versus a grain of rice. That's impossible to undercooked because I'm not a fucking dope. Buddy, I know the difference between almonds and rice. Let me start with that. No, you don't.

I do. I do. I made it for you and you failed a test because you thought the rice was undercooked. I could look at it with my eyeballs and pluck out the almonds. Dick, you are such a dumb shit. I ate the rice after it was cooked to make sure that it was cooked. And then I outed the almonds, which were crunchy. And that's what the recipe calls for.

In fact, I have a recipe up on my screen, Dick. It's called Apricot Almond Rice Peeloff. And here's what the did. description says right up top. It says, this rice peel-off recipe combines crunchy almonds and sweet chewy apricots for an easy dinner side with a Mediterranean flair. Yeah, I know that that's the recipe. No, you don't. You thought it was crunchy rice like a fucking ape. I thought it was uncooked rice. It wasn't big slivers of rice. It was just the tips of the rice. It wasn't the tips. I got a tip for you. Look, what would it take to convince you? What if I got sworn affidavits,

anonymous affidavits from everyone at Thanksgiving. So here's, here, so while Dick is being a huge asshole, not contributing anything to the party, and I'm slaving away making rice dishes, festive motherfucking rice dishes with almond slivers, toasted almond slivers, no less. I brought this delicious rice dish to the party, which, by the way, there was less than a third left when I left the party. Most people ate the rice. But someone at the party, and Dick denies, but someone at the party went around and as a joke

started telling people, hey man, why don't you shit on math? Maddox's dick because I was wearing this awesome pilgrim hat at the party. You want to take that shit on Maddox's rice. Yeah, shit on Maddox's rice, right? Shitting on Maddox's dick would be something that I would, that would be a funny prank that I would try to do. Shitting on the rice, a little too subtle. Great.

I said dish, asshole. So I'm wearing this beautiful pilgrim hat, right? I look like a fucking pilgrim, like a badass. And I was the hit of the party, baby. I'm walking in, making jokes, keeping things lively, not throwing oranges at beer pong tables, not pissing people off, and everyone's like, you know what, Maddox is riding high. Let's knock him down a peg. Let's shit on Maddox's good time and his good dish,

flavored with a little pinch of sage and a dash of rosemary. What a delicious dish with wild rice, toasted almond slivers, and cranberries. What a delicious dish, right? Yeah. But instead, some jealous prick at that party walked around and told everybody, hey, man, as a prank, why don't you shit on Maddox's dish? And so the first girl did it, and I thought, okay, I see what's going on. A girl did it first.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. A girl did it. You're saying a girl started this prank? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no. She's the first person who said it, but someone told her to do it, right? Then, then... That sounds like a pretty big conspiracy.

No, this isn't a conspiracy because I found out. So then someone else did it. And then a third person did it. And then by the fourth person, people are running out of ways to shit on my rice. So somebody said, oh, and it's undercooked. I'm like, uh, uh, uh, I got to buzz you on that one. Not undercooked. It's actually almond slivers, you dip shit.

Dick, you think I know how to cook rice? I ate the rice. Go to hell and stay there. Bacillus Serius, that's a type of bacteria you can get from undercooked rice. Piece of shit. It competes with salmonella. It can cause emetic vomiting, nausea-inducing strain when rice is undercooked. You know, Dick, I-vomiting in the first 20-3.

I would have loved nothing more, knowing what pricks you guys were going to be at that Thanksgiving dinner than to undercook my rice and make all of you sick and or kill all of you. Like I would just go home and sleep like a baby. I'd be like, well, you know, the rice was undercooked, but they were assholes. They had it coming. Lectin, that's something else that comes from undercooked rice. It's a protein that serves as a natural insecticide with a strong affinity for carbohydrates. Insecticide, that's an undercooked rice. It's a big problem. All these people are eating it, I'm saying. This is a big global problem. Undercutriacrified. It's not all about you. You're just a big,

one tiny part of it. Yeah. Anything else? Any way else you want to shit on my generosity, goodwill, and hard work? The outer cellulose coating on rice? It doesn't get broken down if it's undercooked. It can lead to poor digestion.

I'm going to break down your outer coating after the show. You're about to have a bro down here. My vein is fucking bulging right now. That's it. It screws with your digestive health. I mean, that's a problem for this, for all these people. people eating rice.

That's what I'm saying. Globally. Globally. Globally. Globally. Globally. Rice probably gets one of the easiest things to cook.

You'd think that, but then at Thanksgiving, you fucked it up. I didn't fuck it up, you moron. You fucking ape. You fucking monkey. That's what you are. Guys, vote up monkeys, because Dick's one of them. Biggest problem in the universe. Dick Masterson.

Main food for half the people in the world, man. Imagine if half of the people in the world had to eat undercooked rice. We'd have an epidemic. You dumb shit. Okay. I'm done. I'm done. I don't care if you got more bullshit-ass stats, Dick.

Because I got a real problem. What? Hipsters. Hipsters. Hipsters, buddy. You know what that song? That's from Ruben, I think. Ruben Dangor, that was a song on YouTube called Being a Dickhead's Cool, and it came out

about hipsters while back. I love that song. That's a classic. That's a classic. It's a great song, and it's about hipsters, which are a big problem. All right, Dick, a long time ago when I was in college, in my level 101 philosophy course, the first thing my professor said on the first day of class was, philosophy can't be defined. I remember writing, this is bullshit down in my notes. Okay, because I hate it when people try to

ascribe the attribute undefinable to a large, well-known group, specifically hipsters. And undefinable is what hipsters would like you to think they are. And they've come closer than any other group before them of capturing this dubious honor, even more so than Goths. You believe that, Dick? Goths are undefinable? Well, they'd like to think they are. They're dressed in black all the time. Exactly.

You talk about despair. Yeah. And it undefinedable. Right, and hipsters have their uniform too. They don't like to be defined yet. They listen to indie and non-mainstream music. They shop at vintage and thrift stores. They're either politically progressive or liberal.

They eat organic, locally grown, sustainable food. You know, all these buzzwords. They like those to be on the labels, right? Or at least they think they do. They dress in skinny jeans. or wear tom's and wear loafers without socks, which makes their feet stink. Hipsters smell.

Okay. Their feet reek. I got an argument one time on IRC with this guy who swore up and down that wearing loafers without socks doesn't make your feet smell. I'm like, yes, it does. Lovers are leather sandals? Yeah, loavers are like leather business shoes without socks.

Oh, yeah, okay. Yeah, those are going to stink. Yeah, they're going to stink because the sweat and bacteria that's growing in your feet that are sweating all day in that warm, damp environment. that's a perfect cauldron of bacteria. You couldn't find a petri dish more perfect than a loafer

with no socks on. That's what you're wearing day after day without washing it. When you wear socks, you sweat into the socks and then change them every day. So it diminishes the amount of bacteria that sits around in your shoes,

you fucking idiots. Yeah, but this is something that all hipsters do, not wear socks and moccasins or whatever? Most of them. Do you have a stats for that or is that just your argument over IRC? Yeah.

My stats is just seeing them all over the fucking world. Oh, okay. They don't stand for anything. This is one of my big problems with hipsters. They don't stand for anything, right? They don't create anything new. All they do is reappropriate other cultures and decades before them. They're not creating new art.

They're not creating new music, new TV shows, new anything. Hipsters just reappropriate the 80s and 90s and 70s. What about all those, that music you say they listen to, though? Indy music. Indy music has always been around, but they've specifically just listened to indie music. I guess there's kind of like a hipster indie music now. Yeah, sure. What about like Arcade Fire?

Is that a hipster band? It is. But they also listen to it only up until the point it becomes popular, and once it becomes mainstream, they stop listening to it. And no, that's not a stereotype. So, as I mentioned, they stink. Yeah. They only drink really shitty beer like PBR or really expensive craft beer.

Well, you got me now. Because I hate that PBR is all over the place. It's disgusting. I don't care if Dennis Hopper drank it in, Blue Velvet. It's gross. You know, Dick, the first time I have a story, the first time I ever tried PBR was at a party. And I've always seen the hipsters drink it and I thought, you know, that beer, I'm not going to try. But this is the only beer this fucking hipster party had.

So I reached into the bucket and I pulled out a PBR, cracked it open, took a sip. And it was, I spit it out because I thought, oh, I must have drank the water that was around the rim, right? The ice water. So I spit it out. I wiped the rim clean, make sure there's no more ice water on it. and I drank another sip and I spit it out again. That was the actual beer. It tastes so god-awful.

It tastes like a bucket of ice water. Now, you know what? What hipsters have always made me think of regarding their beer especially is like kids who are drinking when their parents are away for the first time, like 13-year-old kids, just trying to ease their way into beer because they didn't do it when they were younger. Now they're adults and they're like, uh-oh, I'm totally insecure about beer. But I've got to do it because I'm an adult. So maybe I'll just glom on to this shitty beer.

because I don't know the difference. Yeah, well, that's a good theory, Dick. My theory, though, is that they do it for the aesthetic. And that leads me to my next... Yeah, that's true. Yeah, that leads me to my biggest problem with hipsters. They're insincere. Which is the word I've used to describe you, Dick.

You may be the biggest hipster of all. No, I've been called a hipster before. Yeah. I've been called everything, probably, but... Yeah, you have. I've been called a hipster. So they're insincere, Dick. They use poverty as their main aesthetic,

which is really disrespectful to people who are actually poor. The skinny jeans look that hipsters like to wear, they like to wear his skinny jeans, right? That came from people in school who outgrew their jeans but couldn't afford to buy new ones. I knew that kid in school. He wore these jeans that looked like they were crawling up on his legs, so they looked like they were too short. That's the hipster aesthetic. I don't know that that's where it comes from. That's what I believe it comes from.

That's not the etymology of skinny jeans. That's a deliberate fashion choice. Skinny jeans? Yeah. It didn't come from poor kids, did it? Well, that's what hipsters like to look poor. So these jeans look too tight on them, not out of vanity, but out of necessity. So the hipsters kind of glommed onto that because they want to give the appearance that they are poor, that they are of the earth, of the working class.

They didn't want to wear skinny jeans. They had to, the poor people, right? And now hipsters are mocking their poverty by turning it into vanity. Yet they're all rich. They're entitled millennials who live off of their parents' income. You got a lot of alls in here. All hipsters are rich? Most of them.

You know, I think they're really? Yeah. What percentage of hipsters do you think are rich? If they're not rich, I would say at least 50%. If they're not rich, then they're living off their parents. Well, I'll tell you something that I do know. The millennial generation is like buying houses at a shockingly low rate. Houses and expensive cars, they just buy the cheapest of everything.

I think it's just because they don't care as much as we do as Generation X about that stuff. Like they don't see a car as a symbol of anything anymore. You know, a car for us, and I think specifically for us, definitely for our parents, was something that you used to access the world. Right. Like when you were 16, when I was 16, you got a car, all of a sudden you're free. And they've grown up in this world where the internet's always at their,

the world's always at their fingertips. Right. So is it really, is it trying to look poor, or is it just not having the same values as us? Well, they don't have the drive. They don't have the same values. Also, they're lazy. They're not getting jobs.

They're living with their parents. If they're not living with their parents, then their parents are paying for them to come out to Hollywood it and become writers. So that's why you walk into a coffee shop and every fucking hipster rolls their eyes as soon as you walk in. They don't want to give you good service.

You know what, Dickhead? I know you haven't sold your script yet. But serving my fucking coffee without the attitude. Okay? I walk into a coffee shop in Koreatown. The Korean work ethic is completely different. They're wearing suits. They're wearing ties.

They're wearing aprons. They look nice. They greet you with hello and thank you and goodbye. They come to your table. The service is snappy and they care about their product. Yeah. That's what I miss.

Do you think everybody under 25 is a hipster? No. No, definitely not. So here's, I want to go on. They've ruined handlebar moustaches. Right, Dick? They all look like 1920s boxers, but they're all frail,

thin-framed pussies who are too passive, doughy, and mush-mouth to fight for anything that doesn't start with the word star and end with the word bucks. Okay. Starbucks is a little old.

Yeah, well, there's still... Intelligentsia now. No, no, that's what they love. like, they're fighting against Starbucks. They're raging against the machine. Oh, fighting against Starbucks. Yeah. Okay. Our father's generation stared down Nazis

and gut them with bayonets, right? The hipster generation fights its battles by buying overpriced coffee and artisanal bread. That's the battleground we're at. Our father's generation believed in prayer, hard work, and charity. Hipsters believe in good vibes, positive energy, and

locally grown vegetables. Yeah. A bunch of fucking assholes. You would rather have prayer than locally grown vegetables? You know what, man. At least you had good, fucking intentions rather than judgment. That's all the good vibes thing. Like everyone on Facebook is too afraid to say, pray for me because my family's sick.

Everyone always says, give me good thoughts and positive energy. What's the difference? I don't know. I don't know how to answer that. What's the difference mean pray for me and give me good vibes? There's no difference. Why does it upset you? Because they're only doing it because

of some vanity issue. They want to appear hip and edgy and like they're progressive and liberal, but They're not. The exact same as our father's generation, just a pussier version of it. They're too cowardly to stand for anything. They don't stand for anything. Why do they have to? Because if you don't stand for anything, you'll fall for anything. I don't, just because something sounds good doesn't make it true.

Like, what do you mean just because they don't stand for anything? Like, what would you prefer them to stand for? You like ideological battlegrounds. Yeah. Is that an accurate statement? No. Okay. Not as a principle.

But then what does it mean? to just stand for something for the sake of standing for something. Well, it's not. If you stand for something, like, for example, our father's generation stood for a lot of virtues that we've kind of lost it. Like, hard work. What do you stand for hard work? I think that's your father's generation. Because we got, our fathers are in different generations. Well, that's true. So you don't think hard work is a virtue, Dick? Uh, it depends. If you're, uh, if you're building a Nazi war machine, I don't know necessarily that it's a virtue. Well, that's true, but they, they lost the war because of our

father's generation. Our father's generation. They ride fixed gear bikes for the aesthetic. They're not more functional, but they look cool, right? You know what else looks cool? Not having to push your bike up a hill because you're too much of a dip shit to get a bike with gears. A practical bike. Yeah. Yeah.

They clog bandwidth at every fucking concert or event with non-stop stream of shitty Instagram photos. Newsflash, your life isn't that fucking interesting to document three or four times per hour. Nobody cares. Our father's parachuted out of planes and fist fought fascists, and they only have a few shitty black and white photos to commemorate it.

That and permanent injuries, scars, which hipsters don't have. While you eat cornmeal and blueberry pancakes and take three photos of them from different angles for your shitty Tumblr blog that nobody reads. That's what we're dealing with. He's fucking hipsters. They listen to intentionally inferior formats like vinyl to stay

in line with their hipster aesthetic. Vinyl isn't inferior. Yes. It's different. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Analog, yeah, records are different than CDs. Yeah. I'm sorry, CDs. Records are different than MP3s. Yeah, they have shittier sound fidelity.

No, they're better, man. Do you understand the technology that goes into a record versus an MP3? Yeah. It's compressed. It's necessarily worse. No, it's not. There's no warmth. Yes, it is.

You can have uncompressed formats. And also, Dick, there is a granularity with which we cannot discern any difference between quality. You've seen ways. Wave forms, right? The Fourier series, you've seen waveform? I know what a waveform is. Yeah, yeah. I'm looking at several right now. Great. But same thing with resolution on monitors. That's why I brought in that 4K problem, because there's a certain point at which our eyes and ears cannot perceive any difference in quality. I don't know why you hate that, like, it's fun to listen to a vinyl.

Great, it's fun. It is. It's fun. What's the purpose of listening to music? Fun. Relax. Enjoyment. Work. So it's more enjoyable for them to listen through a vinyl. Like, let's forget all the tech nerd stuff. It's just more fun for them to use a vinyl. It's reliving an experience. It's reliving a more human experience that we don't have access to today with all these stupid gizmos and gadgets. Something about, which is fine.

What is the problem with that? Dick, they're not reliving anything because they didn't live it the first time. They're posing. They're posers. It's all about looks and aesthetics, dude. They just want to look like they're cultured. And they have some reason, some higher level reason to listen to vinyl because there's more soul in vinyl, man.

Hipsters. It starts with hippies, huh? Hipsters and hippies. I don't know why you hate them a lot on their wardrobe. Oh, I hate everything about that. But who doesn't have a wardrobe? What group doesn't have a wardrobe? Me!

You wear, you're wearing a Kool-Aid man's shirt right now. So? That goes, that, Kool-Aid man, your jack-a-lantern-pumpkin face, a bright orange obnoxious shirt with a jack-a-lanner face on it. A giant Godzilla shirt. Awesome. A contra shirt. You don't see the similarities between all these, like the video game hipster shit?

What is awesome now a uniform? Because that's what I wear all the time. baby. I don't know. That's awfully arbitrary to bust somebody on their fashion, I think. No, it's not. Their fashion is, it's a uniform. They try to be individual, but they all stick together and they wear, they dress similarly, listen to similar music, shop it, similar clothes. They have similar philosophies. They're all fucking pussies together. That's what they are. Called a culture. Yeah. That's what it is. No. What do they do that's so bad besides not buy a lot of shit and not listen to the same music you listen to? I'll tell you what, Dick. No, I don't

I don't want them to listen to my music. I would hate that. They gentrify neighborhoods. While simultaneously bitch about genderified neighborhoods, they are their own biggest problem, Dick. And if they only pull their heads out of their asses to come up and breathe every now and then, they'd see themselves for what they are, non-contributing nobodies. And they'd throw themselves off the Brooklyn Bridge so that their smelly, insincere death grip on cities like Williamsburg in New York,

Wicker Park in Chicago, the Mission in San Francisco, and Shore Ditch in Camden Town in London could go back to being functional. cities again. Yeah. I don't know what is a hipster and what isn't a hipster anymore because you got all that stuff but is the guy who made Tumblr a hipster or not? Are the kids, are the millennials that are driving the future of technology? Are they all hipsters? Or is it just the ones wearing skinny jeans? Hips, hipsters dick, for the most part are underachieving, unachieved, unaccomplished nobody's. So is that

is that part of the definition? Do they have to be underachieving and unaccomplished no ones? That's what it says. The definition, I looked it up. That's what it says. They're underachieving and unaccomplished. Oh, okay. Yeah.

Well, then I guess you want them to be working like in the salt mines? Dick, let me just describe this scenario. There's a real life scenario. I know this guy who went to American Eagle and bought a new polo shirt, brand new, took it home with a pair of scissors, and cut the American Eagle logo out of it, and wore it around like a dib shit with a hole in his shirt. Yeah, I mean.

What do you? What's the fucking point, asshole? You're ruining your own fucking shit. Why did you do that? So you're pissed about them wearing the same clothes, but then when they try to do something new... They're not... It's not new, man!

Your shirt gets old and gets holes in it. Look, I have a pair of jeans in my closet that looks cool as shit. It looks like designer jeans because the knees torn. I have a hole in my pocket. But it became that way. It became that way through lots of wear and tear,

not because I bought it and fucking put scissors to my own clothes like an idiot, like a dip shit. I want to wear my clothes. I want it to last a while. That's why I don't wear Tom's. So it's okay to look poor as long as you wore the jeans in over years instead of manually. Is that what you're saying? It's not that I look poor.

I'm not trying to look poor. What are the holes in the jeans say then? Well, no longer poor. Now they look hip. Unintentionally so. Why? Because fucking hipsters made it look cool. Look, if I grew up in the 80s or early in the 80s and I had jeans like that and I got holes, I'll throw those jeans.

away because everyone would look at me and be like, wow, that guy's poor. But now I can just wear those around. And now it's a hip thing and people think, oh, I must have spent lots of money on those jeans. No, no dipshit. These jeans are just old. I don't know if anyone would assume that about you. That you spent a lot of money on your jeans. Fuck you, Dick.

I know, like, I get the rage. Well, okay, I understand that you have a lot of rage for hipsters, but I don't under, I honestly don't understand why. Their insincerity doesn't bother you, Dick. The fact that they don't stand for anything doesn't bother you? Well, I don't need them to explain why they like what they like. Like, I don't need them to give me a sincere explanation of why they like alternative music. I don't care that they like alternative music.

They like it because they think that they are trailblazers, Dick. They think they are cultural trailblazers. They think they're so fucking smart. Doesn't everybody think that? Doesn't every generation and every group think that they're doing something new? No, they don't. Our father's generation is worried about living and not getting drafted to a war and getting shot or stabbed by a Nazi. You are overly romanticizing that whole generation.

Well, you know, they have that. And that's a different generation than my father and other. Like that's, I'm talking about like, my dad's in his 60s. Yeah. They weren't worried about World War II. Right. They were trying to dodge the Vietnam War draft. Yeah.

Which is a good thing. Sure. Yeah. That's not the world war, the greatest generation, quote-unquote, Tom Broca's greatest generation. Uh-huh. I don't know. They get an awful lot of credit for fighting Nazis. But is that what the entire generation should be credited for?

Well, I mean, they had their flaws, too. They had problems. It wasn't a perfect generation. No, but at least they had work ethic. At least they gave a shit about something. They gave a shit about their jobs. If you walk into a hipster coffee shop, oh, fucking good luck getting service. Wait till I finish texting or Instagramming before they come to give you a fucking coffee.

Honestly, where... Sorry. Honestly, where does that get you? Giving a shit about your job and slugging it away for 60 years? Where the fuck does that get you? Why, they should be... Hipsters should not give a shit about their jobs. What are they making some other guy money with their time?

Fuck it. Dick, weren't you just arguing last episode that people should improve their situation and that should be an incentive for them to get out of their job? Now you're saying, fuck it. No, I'm saying you shouldn't just show up for the sake of showing up. Like, you shouldn't be, just the same way I said, you shouldn't be afraid to ask for a raise. You shouldn't just show up and work because, like, you're, you have this ingrained ideal to do it, thinking that there's a payoff somewhere down the road. And I think that's part of it.

Like, I think they saw their grandparents and parents get kicked around by companies. So they feel like, eh, you know, nothing. There's no reward enslaving over this job. So why should I do it? Fuck it. Why not? Just live at home. Don't contribute.

Don't buy a house. Don't fuel the economy. Don't be somebody that contributes anything to the economy. Why don't you just live at home under your parents' roof where it's safe and cushy and knock up your ugly girlfriend in a hot tub, but Sanchez? Why don't you just become a hipster? Hey, if that works for you, plenty of cultures around the world have all of the family living under one roof. I mean, you know that.

Like, this nuclear family thing is something that's new in America since like the 50s or whatever. But they do it because of their culture. Do you want to be like them, Dick? Do you want to live at home with your mom and dad and sneak your girlfriend in a night? That's fucking lame. I wouldn't have to sneak her in. I'm an adult man.

Well, not if you're living at home, you're not. You're a fucking pussy. Okay. Move out, buddy. You know. I guess so. I just don't understand the hatred. I don't understand why so many people

pick on hipsters for what seems to be not that great of a slight, right? Like, hipsters didn't really, all they did was not. care about your opinion. And that seems to infuriate people. They don't care about anything, dude.

They don't stand for anything. And coffee shops are expensive. If hipsters ran the world, if hipsters ran cities, every coffee shop would be too fucking expensive to step into. Every piece of food that you buy would come with a paragraph of describing how it's massaged down from heaven, from an organic, locally grown, sustainable farm where it's fair trade and organic and the chickens are free range. and they're told jokes every day

and they're made sure to feel happy. That's what fucking hipsters believe. Nothing. Nothing. They're buying bullshit. Bullshit. You know what? My shirts are fucking fair trade and organic and massage with hemp oil

and all the stuff. Buy my shirts, huh? You fucking idiots? And they won't. The hipsters, because my shirts are new. They want my shirt. You know what? I'll cut up...

That's what I'm going to do. I'm going to start cutting up holes in my shirts and sell a hipster sales. Yeah. It's going to cost like fucking $50. Here you go, Dickhead. I just stabbed a scissors through your fucking shirt, you moron.

Save you the trouble of having. to cut the logo out, you dip shit, with a fucking hole in your chest? What kind of self-respecting human being would do that? Where do you even get a job with a hole in your shirt like that? If you walk into a job, right? It's all aesthetic. They don't have a job.

They don't have to worry about anything. They're living off their parents like fucking dickheads. Being a dickhead's cool, huh? That's what that song's all about, buddy. Yeah, well, it's a virtual world now, and it'll become even more so. So you don't need to show up with holes in your shirts. Like, that's the point. This stuff doesn't matter to them anymore.

That's the only point I'm making. Great dick, you hippie. All right. What are your problems this week? My problems are Brodowns and the big one undercooked rice. Fuck you, Dick. I'm so tired of your shit. Why do you cook a dish next time, you asshole? And there's almond sliversy

piece of shit. My problems? Celebrity worship and hipsters. Don't forget to vote on these problems, guys. And stay tuned for the information for the live show coming up, December 19th in Los Angeles. Thanks to do it. Oh, and Dick, I forgot to mention we got a son. by Jeremy Belcher.

Oh, cool. Yeah, here it is. Little Dick Tip for you. And I don't even think I have a rebuttal. I think I agree 100% with you. Little Dick tip for you. We got a Python under the table, baby. Little Dick tip for you.

It's obscured by the table, but I am fully engorged. Little Dick tip for you. Little Dick, little dick, little dick, little dick, little dick, little dick, little dick, little dick. Yeah, why don't you go have sex with your mother? There it is. Yeah. And speaking of engorged. Little dick tip for you.

Bada, boom. That's great.