The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 3

Episode Date: April 19, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe. I'm Maddox. With me as Dick Masterson. Hey, Maddox, I'm going to get it right this time. Author of The Best Page in the Universe. And The Alphabet of Manliness, The Bestseller. I'm Dick Masterson and author Meta Better Than Women, right? Hey, we nailed it.

Yeah, perfect. Excellent. I've got, do you mind if I launch into something? I have some chewing out to do at the top of the show. All right, let's hear you chewing out. Sean, our audio engineer, I have a big problem with you. Okay?

So last week, we did the podcast. Sean takes it. He sends it back. I listen to it when it goes online. And I noticed that Sean has cut out a bunch of my hilarious jokes. So, Sean, I don't know where you get off thinking that you can just go through and edit things out that I say. I really appreciate you helping us with this, but I don't know what you think you're doing.

Cutting out things I'm saying that I think are really funny. Dick, are you sure, Sean, cut those out? All I know is we do the podcast and when I listen to it, stuff that I'm, who else would do it? Oh, you know, I did actually make some edits to the podcast. Oh, it was you? Yeah, it was me. Sean, I apologize.

guys. Oh, so I guess Sean wasn't a problem at all, huh? No, the problem again is you. This is me. Speaking of you being a problem, let's go to the board. The board. Okay, so last week, our problems were horoscopes, the plastic bag ban, those are my problems, and then we had Tinder and Long Emails

were the four problems. And ranking in number one at the highest problem. Here we go, it's me, here we go. Tinder and Long emails. It's got to be Tinder and Long emails. It's Horoscopes. Horoscopes is number one. number one with 36 votes. Number two is the plastic bag ban.

Number three is Tinder and number four is long emails. However, they came pretty close. Now, wait, wait, wait. They came pretty close to each other. To each other, yeah. Oops. They came pretty close. What is...

Are you going to cut that out while you're cutting my lines? Are you going to cut out that... That will definitely be cut. Finger slips. So you're telling me that my problems came pretty close to each other both in last place. They both came in last place. However, on the overall...

F you. Don't give me the condescending. Oh, yeah, mine both won, but yours both tied for last. So good job. Yeah, they did tie for last. However, the highest problem of one of yours so far is guys asking other guys about their dogs. That's in the positive territory.

Good, because I think that's the worst problem I've come up with so far. Tinder actually screwed me over again this week. Do you want to hear about that? Yeah, what happened to Tinder? Okay. So I match the girl. And she's like, let's go out and, you know, bang or whatever. Is that what she said? No, but that was the subtext.

Okay. So I'm like, oh, cool. You know, where? Where do you live? I'm a romantic guy. I'll come, I'll come bang you in your territory first. Because I don't want you to know where I live. It's like Shakespeare I'm listening to. Yeah, I am. Right.

So she goes, Hawthorne. And I said, oh, God, damn it. For those of you who don't know, I live in Hollywood. So Hawthorne is about, I think it's about 2,000 miles away from Hollywood. It's like a 40-minute drive. So I'm like, all right, so I go drive to meet her at this bar, first of all, so she can find out that I'm not a weirdo. Well, okay, that's debatable. Anyway, I'm outside the bar, and this chick is smoking outside the bar, and I'm like, the girl's late.

So I'm like, hey, what's going on? How you doing? She's hot. This is not the girl you're meeting. Another girl's smoking. No, there's another girl. I wanted it to be that. I was wishing it was that girl.

And I told her that, which is a great line. She ate it up. So I'm like, look, how much of a creep would I be if I asked you out while I'm waiting for this other girl? And she's like, not creepy enough. Good sign. So she gives me her number. and I'm like, awesome. Where do you live? Santa Monica.

Ha! So Tinder is setting me up. Now I've got to drive an hour for the first girl. And now I'm meeting a second girl that's, what? 40 minutes? I'm spending my whole day in the car. That's outrageous. How dare women live far away from you?

You know what I'm saying? It's unnatural. I meet a girl at a bar. She lives right around the corner. Yeah, not necessarily. I mean, you met this girl. she lives in Santa Monica, which is what, 45 minutes away from where you were? What was she doing out there, by the way?

No, no, no, no, no. Hawthorne in Santa Monica are very close. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, all right. Let's not rehash it. Hey, real quick, we do have some comments that I wanted to mention. One of them is from a guy named Toulucin, and he said that only superficial people with total lack of deep perception concern themselves with proofs, statistics, evidence, and other assorted nonsense.

And then he cited a book called How to Lie with Statistics by Daryl Huff. Hey, that's in support of me, right? Because I hate statistics too. Well, okay, but listen to his next line. He says, go get some real problems, guys. Wow. Yeah. What's his name?

Toulousin. Toulousin, you're in luck because we've got some real problems today. Well, you'll like this next comment, too. One more comment. This one's from Handy. The guy's name is Handy. That's not a real name. Well, it's on Facebook.

It's got to be. He says, Nice podcast, Dick. Just a couple of notes. You need to interrupt more because you're fucking hilarious. Hey. All right.

Thanks, Handy. Yeah, up yours handy. You handy me anytime. Oh, okay. Why don't you guys go give each other's handies? Let's get to the problems. All right, Dick.

I'll go first. Oh, man. I have so much more that I want to talk. So much more weird stuff that I want to talk about here. But let's get to the problems. It's a show about problems. Finding the biggest problem in the universe.

Let's go. Tesla, the car. Tesla, Tesla motors are just that, the, the, well, I guess this is the same thing. The car. Yeah, there's nothing more to Tesla motors than the car. Sure. Tesla the car. Tesla the car.

Why Tesla? Um, because it's a, it's a lame car. What's lame about it? It's like the most cutting-edge high-tech car that there is. No, it's not. You only think that because of the press. Yeah. It is definitely not.

Look, look, look. This is like a, the electric car field is like brand new technology. Yeah, not really, but. Okay. The combustion engine is like, that's like a race car. Like there's billions of dollars going into it. That's cutting edge. The Tesla is just a bunch of laptop batteries attached to a gigantic remote control car.

No, laptop batteries didn't exist 100 years ago. The combustion engine. engines been around for almost 100 years now. All right, but that's not why it's the biggest problem. Okay, why is it the biggest problem? Okay. Because they're cool cars. No, they're not. They're lame.

And I'm going to get to why you think they're cool. All right. It's also not that it's subsidized. It's like a gamble by the government, which paid off, which means they're going to do it again. Right? So the government dumps $500 million into making a Tesla. Sure. Then they pay the loan off, so the government's,

like, that's win-win. We can do this all day. It's a money machine. All right. What's wrong with that? It made money. The government invested. It's a gambler's fallacy.

That's what's wrong with it. Well, no, but it's a measured risk that they took. They invested in this company. They got a return on their investment. You don't want the government doing that with your money. Tell me what I want the government to do with my money. No. Okay, fine.

You're right. You're right. I want the government to invest. Everybody wants the government to be gambled. Why don't, why don't you just send the government a plane ticket? to Atlantic City, they can go sit with your money at a slot machine and pull until another Tesla pops out. That sounds awesome.

Yeah. Okay. I like that idea a lot. Here's the real reason why it's the biggest problem. It lets guys who don't know anything about cars finally feel like men for the first time in their lives. How so? Because, like, it's a good feeling to talk about something that gets you around. It's like having a superpower.

Like, having a car is like a real version of having a superpower. You can go 100 and whatever you want to go. You feel like you're flying. You know, it's a powerful thing that you want to bond with other men about. But this whole generation of guys who've grown up on computers and don't know how to get their hands dirty, Don't know how to talk about cars. So here comes a Tesla.

Here comes a Tesla and lets them live out these fantasies of talking about their car with other nerds. Yeah. You know what? I'm on board with this. This is cool. Because guess what? Wait, wait, wait. What do you mean it's cool?

You're on board with what I'm saying? No, I'm on board with the nerds who are feeling like men now. Because guess what? It's the changing of the guard. I can finally have one up on my dad. My dad, the old war vet, the old badass. He knows everything about cars. He can build an engine.

He has built it. engine. He's an awesome mechanic. And now finally, it's the changing of the guards. Well, well, well, welcome to my territory, pops. You don't know computers? Oh, I don't understand. My fingers are too small. My fingers are too big.

Whatever the excuse is. Now, I'm in control. I'm the powerful one, baby. You put wheels on your computer. Congratulations. Great. That's awesome. Computers are great. You know what? And Google just came out this week, I think, with

a new driverless car that doesn't even have a steering wheel, doesn't even have brakes. It just has a stop button if you need to stop it. That's it. You're in complete, you're out of control. You're out of the loop from this driving process. It does have some chilling potential here because if there was a high-speed chase or something, they could just shut you down. And who know, I mean, what you mean if you were the bad guy? You phrased that that's a chilling consequence?

If you're being chased by the police, they can just shut you down. Yeah. Okay. Now you're playing into my argument. Hey, just because the cops are chasing you doesn't mean you're the bad guy. Yeah. Yeah. All right.

So I want like an internal combustion engine that's not in the grid in any way that I can have like a tank of gas and be totally on my own and self-reliant. Yeah. I don't know, man. I feel like this, again, back to what you said earlier, too, with the government investing. So what's the alternative? With every step of one of these problems that, like, oh, we can't have the government investing this money in this tech company. Like, what was that, Cilindra?

We invested in Cilindra. Was it the solar power one? That was a solar power one. Yeah, huge. Ble a bunch of money. Yeah, huge controversy. However, what's the alternative? Where would you have the government spend that money?

Give it back. Give it back to me. Give it back to it. Yeah, I'll go gamble it. Yeah. And then... At least I have fun gambling then. So then...

Wasting on a dumb laptop with wheels. That's my money. Yeah. Well, so then the hope is that somebody just magics upon an industry. No, the hope is nothing. I don't care. I don't want an electric car. Yeah.

I'm fine with a cool car. Yeah. That uses gas. Yeah, and then we got to dick around in the Middle East for it. I don't know. Is that true that we have to do that? we really need the gas that bad. Yeah, man.

It's a limited resource. Like, yeah, I mean, it's, you know, what are you going to do? Look, you know what? I don't really know why I disliked them. I think it's because I know, like, I know both parts of it, and I'm kind of like, oh, you guys, like, you're so excited about the electric car because you finally can talk like men about your cars, but you could have just put a little time into learning the other way.

Yeah, well, I think you should understand both. However, I do like being in control, and I'm going to fully embrace this new revolution. I can't wait. It's not a revolution, though. It's inventing something we already had with different technology. Yeah, but it's technology that the old guard doesn't understand. I can't wait to be standing in a mechanic shop with my dad or in his shop working on something, and we open up the hood, and he just kind of scratches his head.

He's like, I don't understand. And I'm going to step in and show him how things are done. What are you going to do? Fix the car like a hero. That's what I'm going to do. How? Just with my knowledge, my smarts. All right.

Do your problem. All right. Let's get to a real problem here. All right? My first problem today, and this is a big problem, is monkeys. Monkeys. Okay, let's talk about the elephant in the room here, right? Monkeys are dead weight.

They're holding us back. And I'm not talking about just monkeys or chimpanzees or apes. I'm talking about the whole thing, primates. Primates are dead weight. What can you do with them? Wait, is that people also? No, I don't consider people primates. Does science consider them primates?

Who cares what science thinks? Okay, all right. Yeah. So you mean? hairy hominids that are walking around they're not non-human primates is what

specifically I'm talking about you can't eat them right monkeys right you can't eat them I don't want to no nobody wants to because they're just you know

you feel kind of guilty because they're kind of smart they can like solve a Rubik's cube that has like two sides on it like what you know it's what would that be just a coin monkeys monkeys are dead weight

and I Why are a monkey? What's not dead weight to you? Humans. Humans are the only thing on this planet that are moving things forward. Like, when's the last time you saw a monkey build a Walmart? Or an oil platform? Yeah. So these are what?

Pocky. Moving things forward to what? To what end? So we can get off this planet. You know this Earth is doomed, right? You know what I get. Okay. I don't get this about you people. You tech nerds. It's all you Tesla people, too.

They're always on about colonizing the universe. Why? Why do you want to get off of the planet so bad? Because this planet is fucking doomed. So what? In about a billion years. So are you. Hey, here's a news flash.

You're going to die first. So who cares? Not necessarily. See, humans are solving this problem of mortality. I will overcome mortality eventually. I suspect the second I die I'm going to wake. This sounds like a supervillain speech. I think like 80% of the things I've said today

sound like a super villain. But monkeys, monkeys aren't doing anything. You want to get, your goal is to have your brain. I'm just, I'm extrapolating based off of what you just said, because I think I get like the, I think I get what you guys are going after. You want to put your brain in a computer. Don't you guys us, okay?

I'm sorry. I get what you people are after. You people. You want to put your brain in a computer. Yeah. So you can live in like a fantasy matrix world. and then you want this, let's just refer to it as a

thought virus scattered all over the universe for no reason. So you can live in a virtual world where you sit on your couch arguing with people over the internet over the virtual internet all day.

Thought virus. Are you talking, are you calling humans a thought virus? No, I'm, yeah. Yeah, I guess. There's an article that came out in, I think it was like fizz.org that talked about how they believe that matter that life might be a form of matter.

So there's solid liquid gas, plasma, and then they're saying another form of matter might be life because they're starting to create nanotechnology. Wait a minute, wait a minute, this is getting too science-y. I just want to ask, I just want to know that that's the goal to get yourself immortal in a computer and get off the planet. I'm not going to be in a computer, but I will get off the planet, yes.

We have to. We have no choice but to get off the planet. this planet. This is a doomed planet. Everything and everyone on this planet. But why does it, Matt, why is it important to you that we colonize other crap? That's what I'm asking. Why is it important to get off the doomed planet? Is that a serious question? Yes. Listen to the sentence you just said. It's a doomed planet. What else is there? I don't know. Other doomed planets? Yeah, who cares? So we just use the resources. We jump from planet to planet, using them up as much as possible. But back to monkeys for a second. Monkeys are like the chicks of the animal kingdom.

Right? Have you ever listened to the maddening scream? Listen to this. The way you phrased that, I think that you jerk off to sound clips like that. These are the chicks of the animal kingdom? Yeah, they're the ch—they scream. They just scream all the time. Okay, so there sounds annoy you? There sounds annoy me. And there's only two cultures on Earth, really, that eat monkeys at all, like monkey brains, which, by the way, can give you spongiform, encephalophagus, whatever the hell, the bovine— I think it's encephalitis. It's not a monkey. Muppet.

So, yeah, but I think your main point, though, is this progress thing. Yeah. Like, I really think, I think that you believe humanities somehow moving technology forward, and that's just a good thing.

It's great. Like, you got a goal of getting off Earth for no reason. No, no, not no reason. This is a doomed planet. Like, if you were standing on on a platform that was dissolving and you knew there was lava

underneath you and by the way this is the analogy here is lava is the sun so literally lava and you saw the platform dissolving yeah if you saw the platform dissolving wouldn't you move wouldn't you step off that rock well where where are I stepping to we're going to Mars we're going to terraform Mars baby

let's do it don't break your own analogy where am I stepping to? Mars is the next rock I'm stepping to Mars you're stepping to Mars let me explain how an analogy works Okay, okay. Well, no, no. Okay, that's the step analogy. But if you were stepping off that platform that's dissolving, you would step on to another one. And, of course, that one's dissolving, too.

I don't know that I would. What's over there? What is he just going to die? What's the point? I'm dying before the platform dissolves. Am I going to go jump on the other platform? You don't know that. You don't know. The platform could disintegrate any second. I just want one of you guys to explain why it's so important to colonize outer space. I don't get it.

Because, I really don't get it. of humanity, every species that has ever existed, every tree, plant, and animal, everything on this planet will be engulfed inside the sun in about four billion years. Four billion years? Like you guys, I think this is what it is. I think you guys

want to feel like you're saving, like you always think you're techno-jesus, so you want to feel responsible for like saving everyone from the sun being a supernova. But in reality no one gives a shit. No one gives a shit about the planet. Are you kidding?

There's so many fucking environmentalists and hippies. Sean, do you care about the sun going into a gigantic supernova that will kill everyone on Earth? Do you really? I do not. Yeah, I don't either. No one cares. A bunch of idiots. There you go.

Losers. But you know what I do like? I like going to the zoo and I like looking at monkeys. Oh, boom. F you. Here, scream. Yeah, there you go. Why don't you hang out with your dumb ass monkeys?

Oh, stupid. How many sound effects do you have over there? I got a bunch. I got a bunch of sound effects Yeah Why don't you hang out with your dumbass monkeys in the zoo While the sun engulfs this planet Me, meanwhile

In 4 billion years Yeah great And I'm gonna be banging Mars babes I love this This is a guy Tell me that you've done your taxes Ahead of time every year Almost never

Almost never So you're planning You don't plan your taxes The most important thing in the year On time Yet you're thinking ahead by 4 billion years Yeah The key words in that sentence

is thinking ahead, right? Because here's the... It's not thinking ahead, jackass. Your taxes definitely matter. They don't matter if the Earth, if the platform dissolves. A parking ticket matters more than something does in 4 billion years. Okay, we have way less than 4 billion years.

We have about 1.5 billion years, according to NASA's estimates, and even less than that. Some people say as little as 5,000. Well, exactly. We're doomed. This is a doomed planet. We need to get off of it. Why?

Everything you've ever known relies on us getting off. this dumb ass planet. I don't know that I like everything I've ever known that much. Well, great. Then leave behind the shit that you don't like. It's fucking awesome. It's like moving out after a breakup. Okay.

Who's paying for this? Who's paying for extending everybody all over the universe? Nobody, it's all fucking, look, there's no such thing as money. We just conjure this bullshit. Everything we have. No such thing is money. You're this guy? There's no such thing as money.

He's going to be immortal and the Earth is doomed. Look, let's say, let's say Earth. Let's say Earth is this spotless, pristine marble. You just come over, plop some humans on it, right? Where's the money? How are they going to pay for things? Wait, well, I don't know. Let's say the Earth is a...

Why are we saying the Earth is a pristine marble? Okay, just, let's just say someone came over. Pretend that I'm a stupid idiot. Okay. Walk me through it. This will be a stretch. All right, here we go. So there's a pristine marble.

It's just floating around in the solar system. You come down, you plot some human down. And then you say... You just said the same. same thing, but slower. Yeah, I'm trying to explain... Why are we plopping anyone down on it? No, I'm just saying...

I'm trying to explain why money doesn't matter, okay? So you put down... Okay, you're never going to explain that. You put people down on this planet, and then you come over to them and say, hey, guys, by the way, there's a ticking time bomb. This planet's going to self-destructing about... Am I one of the people? Who are on the planet? Do I get to be on the planet?

No, you plopped down the people onto the planet. Why would I do that? Because we're doing the experiment, and you're on my rocket ship for some shitty reason. I haven't kicked you off yet. Well, probably because I can fix it. Probably because it has a gas engine, like any good rocket, and it doesn't use a bunch of dumb batteries. There you go.

You know what? You get a baby loud. Hold on. Let me say, back to the Tesla thing. Yeah. We need more jobs like that. Like, we need more guys. More mechanics.

Yes. More mechanics, more manual laborers. We need more plumbers. We don't need more laptops on wheels. Let's get some more TV repair shops going, huh? Let's get some appliance repair centers. Okay, wait a minute. Let's regress a little bit.

Let's make TVs less efficient. Let's go back to the fucking Stone Ages when we were hauling our giant heavy Magnavox and RCA's down to our zeniths down to the repair center to have some idiot who smells. You got me there. You got me there. You're laying it on a little.

Hero. I'm awesome. All right. What's your second problem? Did we get? Was that? Monkeys is your problem? Monkeys, there's 424 species of monkeys.

He's got all this stuff written down that he didn't get to get to. All these steps, I know, I can tell. It doesn't matter. You know what, I got my problem out. All right, and it's a big problem. Monkeys are holding us back. They're dead weight, we can't eat them. So monkeys are keeping us from, wait a minute,

why are they holding us back from exploring the universe? Anything that's not helping us is hold is in the way. Jesus. Everything you say sounds like a super. What you're saying is called eugenics. No, I'm not suggesting we wipe them out. When you say them, do you mean monkeys or do you mean people who are not working together to explore the universe? Because it kind of sounds.

I feel like people. So I used to, my thought process has evolved here. I used to think that people who worked at menial jobs, menial labor, manual labor, you know, fry cooks and things like that. people who worked as janitors, so on, weren't contributing as much as people like me, geniuses. However, I changed my mind because they're doing an important function. You just really, this is a trick you do. You say something that's totally false and you're able to slam the next thought in real fast before anyone can disagree with it.

I love it. I respect it. As a duplicitous person, I do. But I also know you're doing it. What do you do? that's better than a janitor. I'm a cultural critic. I'm an author, baby.

That's what I do. That's what I thought. Okay. Keep going. Yeah. Well, I help enlighten people, which is probably the most important task there is. I think you said it.

You don't need to over-explain how important you are. I can't over-explain how important I am. So anyway, we have all these people who do these menial jobs, and I used to think that I was above it, which I am. Service industry. Service industry, sure.

Some of it's menial. I've seen some. So, anyway, They're feeling an important role and function that I'm not willing to do. And I used to think that those people were worthless and they're not contributing. However, they are because they're doing a task and they're doing a job that frees up other more important and smarter people to work on problems to get us off this planet. Unlike fucking monkeys who are sitting there eating their own shit. Have you even seen a monkey lately?

That's all they do. They don't eat their own shit. They eat their own shit. I'll send you a video. There's a five-minute video. I can send you a video of a couple of girls eating their own shit, too. That doesn't prove very much. So back to the janitors thing.

Let me just present this. Just one thing is evidence. Not that you're above the work, but perhaps that you would instantly be fired in any of these jobs. I'm using the fan as an example in this room. Maddox has a fan in this room where... Well, you could say I have a couple of fans. The couple's fans. The one that I'm sitting directly under, where instead of fixing the motor of the fan, because the switch that turns the fan part is broken. Am I explaining that correctly? Yeah.

You can't pull the chain to stop the fan part. There is no chain. So instead of fixing that, you've removed the blades from the fan. Right. So that the motor is continuously on. Yeah. And it's impossible to ever turn off. Right.

So whoever moves in here next will have a fan that's on all the time Right Can you imagine if a janitor ran Their job that way? Oh yeah Well, you know, I don't care That's the that's the big

Because you got more important things to worry about Like getting everyone off of the earth In 4 billion years I understand Yes, I get it It's less than 4 billion Like maybe 1 billion Or 5,000 years potentially

So Well, it's a ticking time mom All right, dude Yeah, it's a huge problem I get it I get it And you idiots better vote for that shit. All right, what's yours? You mean...

The monkeys? On our website or in the government? On our website. The biggest problem in the universe.com. Yeah, vote there. If you're going to vote on that, vote on the website. And it doesn't matter. Government.

All right, let's hear it. What's your second? This is my next problem. I don't know how to phrase this exactly either. I'm debating on which way to phrase this. The biggest problem in the universe is everyone needs to lose 20 pounds. All right.

What about, okay, immediately you're wrong. What about anorexic people? I don't know. Oh, okay. Question mark. Really? Do anorexic people... What?

Do they what? Do they, what, what are you going to say? They don't count. Okay. Okay. So should we revise your problem? No, you know what? No, because people who think...

Because people, there are people who do need to lose 20 pounds who think they're anorexic. So everybody just, everybody needs to be engaged in the process of losing 20 pounds. People who are actually anorexic are already doing it. Great. So no, nothing wrong with it. Nothing wrong with that. Everybody needs to lose 20 pounds. Yeah, I don't know about that.

Okay, why do you say, why is that, first of all, why is it even a problem? Why is that, I mean, for people who are really obese, they need to lose clearly more than 20 pounds to be healthier. But then they use that as an excuse. I'm trying to stay realistic here. 20 pounds is... I can lose 20 pounds overnight, dude. I take a shit in the morning. That's like 4 pounds right there.

You got 16 to go. What else are you doing today? How many times you're jerking off to lose that 16 pounds? Oh, man, we can get rid of a couple ounces. Wow. Look, they're like... I think they're going to kill the health care system. How about that?

They're going to kill the health care system. I can't even say that was a straight face. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care about the hypocrisism. Well, no, actually, I'm glad you brought that up. I actually agree with that. So, should weight be regulated?

And I know your stance on this. You're affirming. Yeah. Oh, yeah, of course not. No. Well, okay. But I'm also a yes out of spite because I can't smoke and drink as much as well. I was going to get to that.

So smoking is regulated, right? Because it affects other people. I guess. Why shouldn't? It makes everyone a lot cooler. No, it doesn't make people cooler. Just make some smell more. No, that's true.

Okay. Let me get to the real reason why. Okay. Everyone needs to lose 20 pounds. Okay. The average woman's weight is 156 pounds. For what height? Doesn't matter.

Of course it matters if she's 5-0. It doesn't matter. All right. What is you with the... Everything is like a huge extreme for you. Lose 20 pounds. What if you're anorexic? Yeah.

Come on. You always look at the extremities, like on a chart. No, you don't. You look at most people. It's the biggest problem in the universe. Not the biggest problem for like a couple people. Look, okay, 156 pounds, right? Okay.

Would you bang a woman that was 156 pounds? Be honest. Of course. Would you want to? Yes. Depends on her proportions, man. If I'm attracted to her, if she's got a hot face, BBW. Are you serious?

Yeah, sometimes. 156 pounds. Do you think a hundred and fifty-six pound is? A six pound is... Well, hold on. Is she 6-0? Because that's normal for a 6-0 woman.

I don't even understand what you're... What are you thinking in your mind? A 6-foot-tall woman? 156 pounds is pretty normal, dude. About 150s. How many 6-foot-tall women have you banged? A couple. How many do you run into around town?

I'd say at least three or four an hour. You know, a couple times a day I'll say a really tall woman. Yeah, but the average weight for them is going to be more than 150. Do you see what I'm saying with average? You understand how... Yeah, but you love statistics. Right. So you understand that the average means also the average height.

No, okay, but factor in the height. Like, what is the average height? It's like 5-4-5. 5-4-5. 5-5. Yeah. Okay, and if she's muscular... 156 pounds. You know, it's a little heavy.

Muscle. How much muscles... A little heavy? She's muscular. That's a little... You know, that's not too heavy. But if she's not muscular, if she's not tone, and she weighs 156 pounds, sure, that's a little heavy.

and she could probably stand to lose like 20 pounds to be a little bit healthier. Listen, imagine if she was 136 pounds. Okay. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. That's way better.

Well, I mean, depends. Imagine the motive. Can you imagine walking around the world with all women have lost 20 pounds? Do you know how much motive? Look, if that happened, guys would be building spaceships left and right. What are you talking about?

No one would be building spaceships. Everyone would be screwing their brains out all the time. No, because they would make you work for it. They would make you build a spaceship. The only reason guys do anything is to get laid. They would have to work a lot more to get these skinny girls. Right now it's kind of like, I guess. I don't really want to build a spaceship.

Like, what have I got to win? I'm going to go nail some 156-pound girl out of this? Come on. I don't need to get off her that bad. Yeah, well, okay, you've only been talking about women. Why do you think guys also need to lose 20 pounds in a half? average. I don't give a shit. Okay. You don't care. I just didn't want to say. You just think women should. I'm sure there's a reason. You didn't want to sound sexist. Yeah. That's why. I think I

succeeded. No. Nope. No, you know what? Actually, I was going to go with both. But then I looked up, I looked up like a study because I was like, okay, I bet fit guys make more money. And it turned out that guys who were 20 pounds overweight made like $8,000 more than skinny guys. And it's the reverse for women. I don't know why. I can't imagine why that might be. Oh, wait a second. That's interesting. So guys who are 20 pounds overweight made on average $8,000 more per year. I mean, yeah, I didn't really read it that closely, so those might

not be the right numbers. It's something like that. Okay, so based on something like that. It's right orders of magnitude. That's what I remember. Okay, so you haven't quite made a strong case or I would say any case

for why this is a problem. Why exactly again is this a problem? that women are on average 156 pounds. Because don't you ever just like see a girl? You're like, come on, man. If you were just like 10 pounds lighter, you would be so much hotter. Yeah, if I wasn't attracted to the girl,

then I wouldn't date them. Like, that's that. And I just move on. I find someone who I am attracted to. What's the problem? There's not enough. There's not enough fish in the sea. Not enough fish in the sea, huh?

Everybody's got to be skinny here. I don't know, man. I think instead of expecting people, because I've dated girls before, I've dated actually a bunch girls. Wow, can we get like an extra, extra news flash to that you've dated girls before? All right, go ahead, go ahead. I've dated girls before where I felt that I would be way more attracted if they had lost a little bit of weight, but you can't ask them to. I mean, if you don't like someone the way they are, you got to fucking move on. You can't ask them to.

Yeah, that's true. Yeah. So I have moved on. And rather than expect them to lose the weight and improve themselves for me, I improve myself for the higher class of women that I am attracted to. The really attractive girl who's fit and funny and has a good personality. I make myself more attractive and attract those types of women. I have to ask you a serious question. Okay.

Do I sound like you sound like right now when I talk about women? How's that? like a complete douchebag Yes I think we both in this case Sound a little bit like douchebags Alright Yeah

Well okay So it's a problem because So let me Let me recap this It's a problem because There's not enough fish in the sea And you're not procrating Is that the problem?

No that's not a problem Are you crazy? Get out of you. Dude I was at Disneyland today Yeah And the thing was like, there was more rascals than there were not rascals. Yeah. But isn't that a scam?

Isn't that just a scam to get on rides? No, no, no, no, no. To get sympathy? Won't people like let you cut lines if you come up with a rascal? No, because they're all on rascals. Everyone's on rascals. Yeah. That sounds like it's kind of fun.

You're taking a ride to the ride. What's the problem? Yeah. If you could ride a golf cart around everywhere, Right? I would ride a golf cart from my bed to the bathroom if I could. And I would take forever. Wait a minute. You can. You definitely can. Get a hover round. A hover round.

What's that? It's like a scooter. You can ride around your house. Oh, really? Yeah. I would totally go on. You can ride a scooter from your bed to the bathroom. When I used to live at home, I would call my mom from my bedroom in the living room to ask her to bring me some corn or whatever. Like if I wanted a snack or something. Because you're so exhausted thinking about how to save the human race from extinction. That you need your thinking corn as quickly as possible.

You need a little bit of fuel, baby. Hey, Mom! Mom! She can't hear me yelling. So I got to get out on the cell phone. You call your mom in your own house to bring you corn? I mean, you know, whatever it is I need. Maybe it's...

What else do you? You need. Name three things that you would ever have needed in this scenario. Okay. Corn. Okay. Two other things. Soup. Basically, basically corn. Okay. And then, you know, sometimes I'll... Oh, my mail. Like if I got a package. I'm my correspondence. Mom. Bring me my corn and my letters immediately. And my soup. I need my PC magazine.

Yeah. Yeah, what's a problem? That was when I lived downstairs. It's extremely bizarre. That's what the problem is. When I lived downstairs in my parents' basement, that was a big thing. Because I didn't have a broom. I would sit down. My chair was so low to the ground that I wouldn't be able to reach the ceiling to pound on the ceiling to get mom.

What the hell? Why is it so weird to you? You never ask your mom for anything? I don't ask her with a broom. Well, you don't have a basement. You didn't have a basement growing up, did you? No, this is like one little tweak away from being, uh, Like the Adams family, what you're describing.

A weirdo in the basement who lives off of corn and male hammering with a broom to attract his family to come down and feed him? Well, eventually, when you put it that way, Dickhead, eventually I got a megaphone and that solved a lot of problems. You're totally telling the truth, aren't you? You're not exaggerating this. I got it from Radio Jack. kind of insane arms race are you living in in this basement? I still wish I had that megaphone. It's the great, I can use a megaphone all the time. I find so many uses for a megaphone.

It's incredible. You've never, so here you are on your monument of judgment, sitting there casting stones at me, yet you've never tried a megaphone. You know what? I was just about to compliment you because you're about to keep insulting me. I'm not going to do it. Go ahead. Keep going about my monument of judgment.

Your monument of judgment. Yeah, you're towering, teetering monument of judgment. Throwing stones at my brilliant... Okay, yeah, the megaphone, you have to be on board with that, right? No. A megaphone? Yeah. No, I feel like it's cheating.

I feel like... And actually, no, I really feel like it's cheating. I feel like if you can't get your message out with your own natural voice, then you just, you don't deserve to be heard. Hey, Dick, it is my national. natural voice, just louder. It's fucking awesome. You're using science.

It's cheating. Okay. Well, you know what? It's the closest thing. It's more close to having a superpower than driving a car. Which is what you said earlier. It kind of is. That's true.

Let's get to my next problem. My second problem, second and last problem for the day is other end words. Okay? So you got the N word. What do you mean other? Other. Well, you just. have the one that you use.

But no, there's other N words. So you have the classic, right? You can't beat a classic. It's the... Okay. If you say so. Well, no, okay. You know, jokes aside, it's the word.

The N word is the worst word. There's no other word. And everyone is trying to go on. I'm shocked you would pick this as a problem. Go, okay. Go ahead. Well, so there's all sorts of different words. So I'm going to go down this list here.

I'm going to see how many of these you can get. Have you ever heard of the R word? You don't know R stands for? Retarded person? Yeah, retard. Is this just a list of offensive words that people use? No, no, I'm getting to it. Nobody says the R word.

Yeah, there's a big fucking meme going around on the internet that says, hey, do you want to use the word retard? And there's a flowchart. It says, are you trying to offend somebody? Then they say, use another word. And it says, you're not trying to offend somebody. Use another word. they're calling for the outlaw of this word.

Like, let's just banish this word. We're not going to say it anymore. Okay. I mean, yeah, it's an offensive word, of course. Only a-holes use it. Only a-holes use it. I agree. Sure.

So, okay, so there's the R word. Yeah, I use it when I'm talking to my friends, but I don't use it like with people I've only met once. Yeah, you got to meet them. Unless I've been drinking. Okay. So when you're drunk, you become an a-hole. Okay. That's my superpower.

Go ahead. What's the next word? More appropriately, your stupor power. So we have, right? We have the C word. Wow. Come on, stupor power is pretty good. The C word is...

The C word is cunt, right? Okay. And people have a huge problem with the C word. I'm uncomfortable by it. I'll be honest with you. I don't use it. You're uncomfortable. Wait, here's the problem with the word cunt.

First of all, it's not offensive to everyone. It's not even offensive in the countries of New Zealand, Britain in Australia, it usually... This is from Wikipedia. It's got just written down. Yeah, of course. Go ahead, sorry. So it can convey a positive sense of the object or person referred to.

So there's a book called Glue on page 266. It's by Irvian Welsh. I'm sure he's thrilled to be mentioned in this context. Sure, it's on Wikipedia. I read this. It says, Billy can be a funny cunt, comma, a great guy. Right? Yeah, okay.

So when you say that the word cunt is all. always offensive. What you're doing is you're forcing an American perspective on the world. It's offensive to Americans, sure, but it's not offensive in Australia and Britain. People say cunt all the time. He's a cunt of a guy. He's a cunt of a girl. It doesn't matter. It's not used as an insult always. Well, here's the problem with that, Mr. Roboto. Yeah. Being offensive is dependent on the context you're using it in. So if someone's telling you you're being offensive for saying cunt a bunch of times in America, you're being offensive. Oh, but yet there is a double standard because we come down on Muslim societies for having Burkas.

No, of course. We come down on Muslim societies. We judge their societies for having women where burqas and cover up and have their traditional, their customs. Right? We come down on them and say, oh, that's unfair. That's so, you know, oppressive. And yet here we expect. It's also kind of dumb.

Well, I agree. You want to see what's going on. Of course. Yeah. Sure, sure. But the point is that you can't force your culture and perspective as a universal norm. That's what we're doing with the word cund. So let's move on. What about? Hold on. There's nothing. What? Okay. All right. All right. The M word. M. What is M? Magician. Mormon. You know Mormon's offensive? Yeah. No, it's not offensive. Mormon's offensive. Yeah, but anything can be offensive if you use it in an offensive way. No. Well, that's not true. George. Oh, wait, cut that out. Sorry. Yeah. All right. So, no, that's not true. Mormon, Mormon is a pejorative.

Mormons have a problem with it because they say that you're supposed to say Latter-day Saint LDS. Latter-day Saint is the name of the church, the belief, right? Okay. So they say that Mormons offensive. It's not. That sounds like a branding thing. Yeah. Like they're trying to be, they're trying to...

I'm from Utah, man. I talk to my friends. They all get a uppity if you call them Mormons. Okay, so what about... Upbitty? What about the I word? What's I? Indian.

Nope. Hold on. No, no, don't give this stuff away. So this is a fun game. Okay. Yeah, what's the I word? Illegal alien. Close.

Yeah, illegal. Okay. Yeah, illegals. You got it. Illegals. So there's a campaign called Color Lines, and they're trying to drop the iword. It's the campaign to stop using the word illegal in the immigration discussion. I wish we had like a...

game show music for this. Yeah. I guess the offensive word. You know, we can dump that over. Okay, so illegal is, there's the I word. We're not supposed to use the I word. So are you keeping track? We got the I word, the R word. Okay, so

what about the G word? You will not guess, you will not even believe. I feel it has something to do. Can I get hints in this game show? Guess the epithes? Guess the epithes.

is the game show that we're playing. Gee. Do I get any hints in this game? Do I have lifelines? You get... Okay, you get... What's the lifeline? What's this... Well, Sean's the lifeline. But I need to get like a... I need to get a yes or no question from you.

You get two yes or no questions. And a lifeline is Sean. And a lifeline is Sean. Our engineer, Sean, audio engineer, Sean, yes. And I get to ask Sean what... If he thinks what I think it is is right. You can just ask him what he thinks it is. Yeah, but I don't know make him say words.

Okay. So go ahead. G word. Mm-hmm. Does it have to do with women, I think? Yes. Oh, man, that doesn't help. Is it a pejorative term for women? Oh, it's hard to answer that.

No. It's not a pejorative, but it has to do with women. Yes. And it's not bossy. I know that's, you can't say that on the internet anymore. Like, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh, okay, Sean, do you think the G word that has to do with women, but is not a pejorative term for women, is gay?

Gay? Oh, so close. I don't think it's gay. No, it's not gay. All right, the answer is girl. What? Yeah. Girl is now offensive.

It's the G word. because the BBC, this just recently happened. BBC, this is a headline from the Daily Mail.co.uk. BBC bans the G-word. Broadcaster Mark Beaumont, 31, joked after being hurled to the floor. This is during a documentary. He was hurled to the floor by a

judo champion. He says, I'm not sure I can live that down being beaten by a 19-year-old girl. Now, that expression the BBC deemed was offensive, and they censored it from the documentary. The athlete herself, Cynthia Roming, left bemused, and she's,

said, I quote, I wasn't offended. I didn't find it sexist. And then... Yeah, it is, it's like a surprise when a girl beats up a guy. A 19-year-old girl beat up a 31-year-old guy. Yeah, that's surprising, right? That's a surprise. Yeah.

So the show... That's the headline. Right, the show was edited and rebroadcast to remove the word. Now, there's even a feminist novelist. Her name is Kathy Lennie. Okay, but hold on. Hold on, hold on. We're getting off track.

Your problem is, if I can summarize, what? Like, thought police. Censorship. Censorship. Well, yeah. There's too many words being. Everybody has a word. Everybody is offended now.

Everybody wants to be overly sensitive. And we can't say, we're banning words. Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah, it's thought police. That's bullshit. You can't just banish words. But this feminist author, Kathy Leady. Somebody figured out,

whoever figured, whoever called it the N-word the first time, like, invented a really horrible thing. By letting people continually say, the word without saying it. Like, I don't, you don't use, you don't use the term the N word, right? But I'm insulting. It's just a way of, never.

Like, it's not something you just say unless you're like, oh, that guy said, you know. The N word. The N word. Right. But it's become like a tool for people on the news and media outlets to say the word without having to say it. Right? You know what?

When they do that, usually they try to say. censor the word. But they don't, that's not, they don't need to say it. Like, they could just say he said a pejorative term. You know what? I just thought it in my mind. No, it's not the same. Why? Because that word is so loaded. It has so much power. Wait, wait, wait. Let me get back to this, real quick. This is the last thing I want to say about this, the G word. The feminist novelist Kathy Lettie, 55, however, said that if the athlete didn't find it upsetting, then why should the BBC mount their politically correct high horse and gallop off into the sanctimonious sunset. Yeah.

This from a feminist. And she's saying, even she wasn't offended by the G word. And yet, here's the BBC trying to come in like some fucking white knight trying to save everyone. So why is this a big problem? You want to keep using swear words? No, this isn't a swear word. This isn't, we're starting to just banish words. Are you kidding me?

I want to be able to speak my mind freely and not have to worry about whose toes I'm always stepping on. We have the N word. Yeah, it's part of it. It's part of culture and part of society. We can't get rid of it. But when we start introducing these other words suddenly, I went through the alphabet. There's almost a word for every single letter.

And the last one I want to end on is this. And you already mentioned it earlier, but it's B. You know what B is. Bitch? No, but that is actually... Hold on, bang. I could come up with a B. Do not get...

Do not blurt it out. Yeah. But bitch is one of them, but it's not the word I'm thinking of. Buggers? No. Okay, you got it. Boner? Nope Um

You said it earlier I'm Bang No that's already a no right No Um The B word Babe

Babe I'm just gonna come out and say it Because we're short in time Give me a hint You said it earlier That's your hint Give me a better hint than that It's a word for

Bossiness Bitchy bossy Oh, nice hint Way to play the game We're run out of time Let me just get to this We're running out of time on an imaginary

Clock on a podcast We don't have time to play these games I need to read my manifesto Well, okay So you mentioned earlier Bossy What are you got a saving the earth Meeting to get to after this

Do you put your tinfoil hat on And go in the garage My megaphone Build your spaceship Eating corn It's going to be great. Okay, so Bossie's the other one. And I want to play this clip.

Yeah, wait. Dude, this is way too much. Hold on. Who cares about this? So make new offensive words. Don't use the R word anymore. Call them exceptionally abled. Like, wow, that was a really exceptionally abled thing you did today, idiot.

Hey, you just use the other I word. Excuse me, I take offense to that. Replace that one too. Great. You did an exceptionally able thing today, Maddox. Great. Thank you thought, thank you thought, please.

Here's the actual problem. Let me get to this. No, you're going to play a clip, but you're not listening to what I'm saying. It happens. You lose words. I'm telling you why it's a problem. Here, listen to this clip.

This is why it's a problem. All right. So this is from ABC News. Here we go. We are 50% of the population. We are 5% of the Fortune 500 CEOs. We are 19% of the U.S. Congress. That's not enough for 50.

No, she's talking about. She's talking about women. She's talking about women. Wait a minute. Okay. Bravo. Here we go. So she's talking about women.

She's talking about the problem of using the word bossy. This is, what's her name? The CEO. Now that I understand what it is, I'll sit and listen quietly. Oh, thank you. All right. So here we go. I'll just, I'll start the clip over.

Okay, so this is. We have 50% of top. We're not, start it over. Start in the middle. There are 1,400 CEOs. We are 19% of the U.S. Congress. That's not enough for 50%. percent of the population. Why does it happen? She says it all comes back to Bossy.

Why does it happen? She sounds like Dr. Seuss. Well, blame ABC News. All right, here we go. I was called Bossy. When I was in ninth grade, my teacher took my best friend Mindy aside and she said, you shouldn't be friends with Cheryl. She's bossy. And that hurt. So she's launched the Ban Bossy campaign. Oh, wow. So she was called Bossy. Why didn't you start with this? Okay, because I was building up to it, dick? You took too long to build it up. You spent too long reading your offensive words less.

You wanted to guess the fucking B word after you already said it. Yeah, because that's a fun game. All right, well, there's one letter you can still guess. Okay, but bossy, so here's the problem. She's blaming the fact that there aren't enough women on the Fortune 500 list or female senators on the fact that we use this one fucking word. This one word is oppressing women. This is the word that's holding women back.

Are you kidding me? Bossy? They launched a campaign to strike this word from our vocabulary. They want to ban it in schools. They don't want kids to call each other bossy. They don't want teachers to use it, ever. But what if a kid is being a little dictator shithead? Because I've seen both boys and girls do that. They yell orders out at people.

That's not leadership. That's not strength. That's not courage. That's what we're calling it now then. We can't use bossy. Let's call it. He's being really leadery today. That's actually what they say in this campaign.

Yeah. They actually say that. Fine. You know, here's why I don't think it's a problem. Because I can ruin a word faster than they can ban them. You guys, you thought bossy was bad? I'll come up with a way more hurtful word than that. Yeah.

You know I can too. I know you can. That's pretty cool. Okay, the last word, just part of this game, guess. It starts with why. Why? You'll never get this. I'll give you two lifelines.

Every time anyone says why, I meet. do you think W. Yeah, well. Why is, okay, does it is it against women? No. One more question.

Is it against a race? Yes. Oh. Sean, do you think the word it's against a race? And I'll even add this, that three people were

arrested for using this word. Or they were charged for it. anyway, yeah. I mean, I don't even think this is a racial term, really, but yellow? That is a racial term, but no, that's not the word. Yellow is definitely a racial term that you shouldn't use.

Why? I thought it was a term for cowardice. Yeah, but it can also apply to a certain race. I love that your problem is thought police and you're censoring me actively telling me I shouldn't use a term that I don't mean in a racist way because it could be racist. No, you go ahead and use it.

Do you realize that, you friggin hypocrite? You can use it. I'm just saying if you want to not offend people, you shouldn't use it, right. Do you know me? Yeah. Does that rank high on my priority list? Not at all. I recant that.

What's the word? Yid. Oh, that's highly offensive. Yeah. Well, three people were, I don't know if they were charged or arrested. It says here. Were they murdering someone who was Jewish while they did it? No, this was just during a soccer game or football if you're in the UK.

Oh, yeah. Okay, yeah, I know about that long. Yeah, they threatened arrests. This was in October. Metropolitan Police warned supporters in early October that they risked warnings or arrest for using the word Yid. Even if it was in the context of supporting their own team. Hey, way to go, you Yid, right? Is that in there?

Are you ad-libbing that? I just ad-lib that. Which I can't even imagine. Did you really? Did you really ad-lib that? Did you think people needed an example? Well, how can you possibly use it in a supportive context? I can't imagine.

That's that because you don't read as well as you come up with stuff off the top of your head. Okay. Well, there's no way that was in there. Well, thank you. I'll take that as a compliment. So I can't even imagine how you could use that as a compliment, unlike cunt, which you can call somebody a funny cunt. So they say it's unacceptable language might lead to banning orders or criminal prosecution. Did you say you don't know how people could use that as a compliment?

Yid? Yeah. Well, it's only you ever used as an insult, I think. Yeah, but the N-Words used as a compliment, isn't it? Uh, no. I mean, I don't see how, but it's like... No, I don't think so. I don't get it.

All right. No, I don't think so. Thought police, thought crimes, the words. I don't think that's a big problem, dude. Banishing? Well, here, this lady is making the case that women are being held back because of one fucking word.

Yeah, it's a problem. If you want to start banishing these words, sure, where do you stop? Is it a problem? Is it a problem because you don't want women held back, or is it a problem because they'll just come up with another word to get on TV? Exactly. Fine. I don't care.

Where do you, where do you drive the line? Where do you say, okay, no more words, ladies, you have enough. These are the words we banished. You don't. We can't call people Mormons anymore. That's offensive. Don't use the word girl. Don't use the word cunt.

Don't use the word illegal. Are you kidding me? Where do you draw the line? I don't know. Are words offensive or our ideas offensive? I can give you a sentence that is more offensive than any word you can think of. Really? Absolutely.

I could think of some offensive words. I can just, I mean, there's just so many offensive. concepts, like racist thoughts. I just see how pissed off you are about it. I want to know why that is. I'm already sweating. I got my angry sweat. Like, I think that you don't like the idea that you might accidentally say one of these words.

And that you won't know it was offensive. No, I just hate the fucking tear fest that comes after every word. Like, hey, you know what I'm tired of is this new group coming along, wagging their fingers in my face and telling me what I should and shouldn't do. Let's hear more fucking lecturing. Like they're my mothers. I already have a mother who tells me what not to do. I don't need a billion of them on the internet.

There's not enough brooms in the world for you to handle that many moms. That's why you want to get off the earth, by the way. To get away from your mom, I finally figured it out. You know, that's why you people are obsessed with getting off the earth. Because you want to get away from your moms. Yeah. That's why. I don't care about, I love my mom.

I don't care about getting off the earth. Sean, I don't want to know what your opinion is on this. Yeah, great. You can stay here on the earth with your... Okay, let's wrap up the problems. I think these were all shitty problems. Tesla, the car, which I hate. I mean, you know what? I'll give you this.

I think the drivers are smug as shit, and I want to punch them all right in the mouth. But other than that, they're kind of cool. There you go. We never help you right away, but in the end, he's a good guy. Everyone's got to lose 20 pounds That's not true I think Dick By far this might be your worst problem Guys asking other guys about their dogs

I mean maybe it's a tie Let's see I'm curious to see how this ranks next week You tell me, wait a minute You look at that list and you tell me With all these problems The one you wouldn't want If you had one wish to fix Wouldn't be everyone lost 20 pounds

Yes it absolutely would That's not fair But that's not a problem These aren't personal gripes The biggest problem in the universe. If you had to fix one, it would be the first. No, it's not a thing you fix. It's a thing you change.

You're not fixing anything. You're changing something. Wait a minute. Let me pitch this to the voters. Okay. That means if you're married, your wife will instantly lose 20 pounds or your husband or whatever. That's unfair. That's a good pitch. Okay.

That is a good pitch, but that's unfair. Also, you're not fixing a problem. Again, you're only changing the state of something. That's not fixing a problem. What? What's the difference? Oh, hey, I think it's a problem that your house is red. Let's make it green.

There you go, biggest problem in the universe. Let's just solve that. No, that's stupid. You're not doing anything. You're just changing the color. It makes no difference. If this, go ahead. Yeah.

And your problems are... My problems are monkeys. Stupid. They're just in the way, and you can't eat them. And my second problem was other N-words. So everybody's got one, and they're blaming serious societal problems. on them. I think we could have spent a lot more time in the other N-Words. Other N-Words is a big one, yeah. You had to dick around with monkeys. I just wanted it in and out. Monkeys. Here we go. Boom.

Are you listening to all the sexual stuff that he constantly says with monkeys? What are you talking about? I had to dick around with monkeys. You just wanted it in and out with monkeys, and you don't even notice you're doing it. This is the only topic I've ever heard you talk about where it's a constant stream of innuendos that you don't realize you're doing. No, Dick, see, you're the sick one Because it's like a child who says Innocent things like, hey, mommy, can I Breastfeed? And you're like, oh,

did you hear that kid? You want to suck his mom's tits. But it's innocent coming from a child because he doesn't intend For it to be. You're sitting here like with your Purve mind thinking about monkey anus. Again. Again, monkey anus. I meant just how beautiful Like an orangutans. By the way, the most disgusting

ass in the universe is an orangutangas. That you've compared. monkey asses to know this is more weird monkey fetish stuff or or baboons no it's baboons baboons baboon asses are the worst the worst asses like wouldn't you love to never see a baboon's ass again all right this has been the biggest problem in the universe thank you uh don't forget to vote vote on these on the website the biggest problem in the universe dot com and go to worst monkeyasses dot com to vote on which monkey has the worst ass in the universe well it's uh the orangutan we know that for sure or uh no the baboon it's the baboon for sure

Anyway, this is Maddox. This is Deckmasters, and thank you for listening. Until next time.