The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 31

Episode Date: May 11, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe. I'm Maddox. With me, Dick Masterson. Hey, what's up, buddy? How's it going? And Sean, our audio engineer. Sean, our beloved audio engineer. Boy, oh, boy.

Where are we going to start with you today? What would we deal without Sean? Let me ask you something, Maddox. It is true or false. It is now midnight on Monday. Is that a true thing that I have just said? Yeah, that is true. That is true.

It's midnight on a Monday, and we are recording the podcast at midnight on the Monday. Do you mind if I break from protocol and go straight into my first problem today? I'm sorry, Dick. A quick correction, it's Tuesday. It is the day we're releasing the podcast. It is midnight on Tuesday. It's midnight on Tuesday. Sean, that's true, right?

This is true. All right, that's enough out of you for now while I get to my first problem. I don't care about last week now. I just want to get to my first problem. Is that all right with you? I've had a rough night. Uh-huh. And what I'd like to be doing is out drinking.

Oh. But I'm here recording the podcast. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's, uh, it's, uh, why are you recording the podcast here now, Dick? Oh, I'll get to that. Okay. I get, let me tell you what happened to me tonight.

Yeah. Okay. Tell me, tell me if this is entertaining to you at all. Okay. Before I get to the problem. Sure. Because I've had a really rough night. Yeah.

All right. I was doing a sketch show. Tonight at the theater, which I do from time to time. At the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater in Los Angeles, it's an improv theater that you do shows at sometimes. That I do shows at it. Sketch is very simple. It's one we've done many times. Are you familiar with those Wild West stunt shows where like at Universal Studios, a bunch of jackasses and costumes will come out and they'll perform a stunt show to an audio track?

Yeah, there might be like a showdown and they'll shoot cap guns at each other. Yeah, they get like a Miami Vice one of these. at Universal Studios. It's a big western jerk off, that's what it is. Yeah, but, you know, it's for kids. So the sketch we were doing involves something going horribly wrong in one of these shows, and someone actually gets shot. However, the track plays and continues with all these goofy things in the background,

and Bedlam is breaking loose on the stage. Oh, so you're hearing all the sound effects while somebody's actually dying on the scene. Right, and all, like, the corny stuff. Yeah, it's very funny. Sure. Very smart stuff. So my job in this sketch is to be the medic. and I run out with a blood pack

as the guy gets shot and I compress the wound and spray blood everywhere. Funny, okay? Sure. Yeah, I'm getting to where the night started going wrong. Okay, okay. So the guy who wrote, it grabs me

right before I go on and says, hey, I made a couple alterations to the blood pack. Okay? All right. It's no longer a little tube that squirts out blood. It's now an entire Ziploc bag full of blood.

Okay. So just squeeze it to break it. All right. So you got to squeeze it pretty hard, right? Or not hard? Have you ever tried to squeeze a Ziploc bag to break it? No. You try not to squeeze it, actually.

Yeah, they're made to be like indestructible. Yeah. So cut to my part on the stage where I squeeze this bag and about a gallon of blood comes bursting out all over the place. Right? Like someone is having a live abortion on stage. Pretty cool, man. I'm getting a little turned on here. It's everywhere.

It's everywhere. Like head to toe, soaked. Okay? Yeah. So I go, shit. Run off stage. Somebody says, hey, go use this shower. Go use this janitor's closet, right?

There's a sink in the janitor's closet. It sinks on the floor. Right. So I go in there. I'm soaked with blood dripping everywhere. And this guy goes, here, let me just turn the faucet on for you. Turns the faucet on. Fosset immediately breaks and starts spraying hot water everywhere.

Okay. Okay? Guy says, I don't know how to fix this, I'm out of here. Of course. So I'm standing in a janitor's closet, soaked with blood, now getting hot water sprayed in my face. All right? Yeah. Of course there's no shutoff valve there.

Someone brings in a ladder. I climb into the ceiling and find a shutoff valve because nobody knows how valves work. Yeah, there's no man in the cedar. No. So I fix it. I fix it. It takes about a half an hour, but I fix it. All right.

Done. I get in my car. I had to take my pants off to go into the valet line to get my car because they were soaked with blood and water and I don't want to walk around with wet pants. Been there, buddy.

Get my car and I think, man, you know what I want to do? I just want to go home and drink about 20 beers. Yeah, that sounds like the appropriate response to a night like the one you had, Dick. So why couldn't you do that? Why couldn't I do that? Sean, why am I not at home right now?

Now, why am I at Maddox is at midnight on Tuesday morning recording a podcast? Because last night I went full-blown retard. Just say it. What did you do? What did you do, Sean? I deleted the podcast. So, Sean, let me get this straight. You deleted the podcast.

Like, there's no backup recording. This is why we have to re-record this podcast again? That's right. You deleted the podcast. Oh my gosh, yeah. Without making a backup. Without making a backup. So, ladies and gentlemen, this is the second podcast we're recording this week.

The second in, what, 48 hours, I believe, right? Yeah. You will be listening to this within eight hours of us recording. This is as fresh as it gets. Short of recording and broadcasting live, it can't get any fresher than this. It's Dunkin' Donuts, man. And all the people who are always on the comments saying, Sean is the only smart one of the three. Do you read those, Sean? Do you read those guys?

Actually, I really don't. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Everybody wants you to bring in a problem, but then they're like, well, what if he spoils the illusion that he's the reasonable one of the group? Well, that's bound to happen. I think it already did. Maybe so. Maybe. Maybe. There's a bunch of zeros on that hard drive that would say it did. Yeah, bunch of zeros, bunch of zeros.

Anyway, Dick, let's get the show going here. Last week, pedophiles came in as the top problem. Of course. Right? And followed by goofy lightsabers, which is infuriating. Why? How is that more of a problem than audio files? In what universe?

Okay, because your audio file problem was all over the place. Horst shit. No, no, I... Here, somebody... I got a voicemail explaining it. Let me find it. No, you know what? I don't. The audiophile

was problematic because it was a... Audio files would agree with you that vinyl is shit. Your whole argument was that vinals sucked and CDs were great, but audiophiles love CDs. They don't think CDs are good enough. Well, yeah, that's true, but Dick,

most of the audio files I know, self-proclaimed audio files, think that vinyl is a superior format. And they'll argue day and night about how good vinyl is. But vinyl's bullshit. They don't understand the limitations of vinyl. They think it's better because it has soul.

That's an argument I've actually heard from somebody defending vinyl. They say that the medium has soul. Yeah, that's true in a way. Oh, stupid. What am I? Do you understand what they're saying when they say it has soul? I'm not sure I'm not sure I understand what you're saying. I'm saying that there's a built-in static to it that's pleasing to the ear.

There's a warmth to it that's pleasing to the ear. That's the soul and that it's a physical thing. It's like a physical thing to have. That's the soul of it. Okay, rocks are also physical things. They don't have souls, dick. This is not a soul, it's dirt. It's dirt on a scratchy piece of vinyl. Throw it away. Yeah, but see, the audio files would agree with you. No. You understand that, right? They also hate vinyl.

No, a lot of audiophiles I know are idiots specifically because they think that vinyl sounds better. That's why I don't trust audiophiles. They're full of shit. Well, um, continuing with the audio file discussion, I got a voicemail. for you if you want to hear it. Great. Maddox, regarding your problem with distortion and vinyl records, you do realize that distortion is an important part of music itself, right? When you play a piano,

you get distortion from things like other strings vibrating, you even get it from the piano frame itself. You want a perfect, flawless, distortionless note, you couldn't get out on the piano. You need something like a synthesizer. That's what you want. Do you see what he's saying? That's the soul.

That's a dickhead song. And go ahead, eliminate distortion for music. Might as well get... You see what he's saying? The soul is the whole piano. Yeah, I get it. I get it. No, listen here, Dick Falk.

You aren't getting soul or... If you want distortion in your music, you can record distortion in the music. Anything you want, any kind of noise, soul, scratchy dirt noise, anything you want, you can add to it in post with a perfect recording. But you don't have the option to not have that noise there with vinyl. It's not that easy. It's not as easy as you're making it sound. I'm not saying it's easy, man. Mozart's composition.

weren't easy. No one stopped him from doing it. They weren't that difficult compared to other classical composers. Dick is, Dick is denigrating Mozart on this show after also saying records. I'm like, what am I doing? Oh, sorry, Mozart, Einstein, and Hitler. They're the paragon of all the things. Nothing can be any better or worse than them, right? Well, all right. All right, dick well uh i need i need to have a serious moment here at the top of the show before we go on uh we've rarely done this on the show i don't think we've ever done this actually but i do actually want to take a very serious moment right now and talk about the pedophile problem last episode i got an email from somebody um it's an anonymous email from somebody he says maddox thank you your message

about petos on your most recent podcast meant a lot to me personally and was a really courageous and surprising issue for you to bring up and treat fairly i am a long time fan and supporter of yours and have written back and forth with you under my real name several times over the years. Obviously, I want to remain anonymous for this email. I am a non-offending peto, who has struggled with this curse for a long time. I never have and never would act on these thoughts, but the shame I feel for having them weighs heavily on me, and the unbridled bloodthirsty hatred I see from society, including unknowing friends and family, deeply hurts me. I thank you and Dick for making the important distinction between thoughts and actions in your episode, and for mentioning that

non-offending petos do exist and that we aren't all necessarily cold-blooded monsters. In reply to what Dick said about asking, with a large measure of skepticism, if a person can really go their whole life without having sex, consider this. Not all petos are exclusively attracted to kids. In fact, many enjoy healthy sex lives with adults. I fall into this category. Even petos who are exclusively attracted to kids can channel this attraction into healthy sexual outlets, for instance, role-playing with an adult partner, especially one who looks young, and they do exist. Or jerking off to hentai, I guess.

But the idea is it's not... Should have stopped at the role plan, right? You didn't need the hentai part. Probably. But the idea is it's not a life of celibacy per se. Anyway, I know you're not necessarily advocating for us, but thank you for questioning the status quo. What I have always loved you for, a fan.

So... It's a nice letter. It is a nice letter, but it's also, I feel so conflicted about it because these people do exist. And because of this stupid, inane U.S. law where if you talk to a psychiatrist about trying to get help and they find out that you're a petto, you might get turned into the police and arrested, which has caused a lot of pedophiles to go underground. And without any place to turn for help, sometimes they have no, their last resort is to actually abuse kids. Like, that's an absolutely horrible, horrible outcome because of this law. Let me uncomplicate your feelings on this. You are an advocate against thought.

You're an advocate against thought crimes. Right, right. If you're thinking it, it's not a crime. That is a very easy line to draw. Correct. Right. But, Dick, we have to have an outlet for these non-offending pedos. And there's an episode of This American Life.

It's a pretty good podcast. They talked about this. They found this guy, this 19-year-old kid going by the name, the pseudonym of Adam, and he was one of these non-offending pedophiles, and he looked online, and he found that there's very little research about what causes pedophilia, whether or not you can be around kids and not offend, whether or not child sexuality. Like, for example, is it, are you a pedophile if you're a 12-year-old and you're attracted to, say, a seven- or eight-year-old? Child sexuality has not been researched nearly to the extent that adult sexuality

or anything else has. So people don't understand the mechanisms of pedophilia. So this guy started a support group, started out with six people, and then this is kind of a surprising statistic. Here's a little clip from this American life. It's to anywhere between 1.2 million and 3.4 million pedophiles in the U.S. alone. That means there are lots of people out there who are presumably try not to offend. With nobody to turn to for help, there's almost no research to explain why they are the way they are, and no known treatment.

Which is how a teenager might conclude that his best option is to invent his own way forward. So this kid created this support group online for non-offending pedophiles to at least talk and try to find some solution to this and some way out because society isn't offering that right now. They're causing people to go underground.

So I just want to put, if you have this problem, rather than becoming an offender, please go to this website, maybe get some help, maybe find people who are in your support group. It's called verped.org, v-I-P-E-D-org, Check it out. We'll link to it on the website. Anyway, a bit of serious news. And if there's any way this show could potentially reduce potential child abuse on that scale,

like sexual child abuse, that would be amazing. So if you're one of these people, check out the website. Maybe it'll help. Maybe it won't. But at the very least, I don't think it helps to push these guys underground because then they might offend. Hey, is there a support group for engineers who delete podcasts? Did you find any of that in your research? You know, I'm checking my immediate vicinity, and I don't see anything here.

If anybody listening, whether you're a pedophile or not, if you know of a support group online for engineers who delete podcasts, please contact the show. Yeah, we'll call it vashon.org. I want to help, too. Yeah. Okay? We want to help people like Sean.

You don't have to say anonymous. Yeah, let's hear some emails. Yeah, um, from Nick Overnortle says, the auditory shortcomings of vinyl give the listeners imagination room to perceive something more than what they're actually hearing, which is part of the experience. Fuck off. I never, fuck off, I never thought of that. Isn't that interesting at all to you?

No, stupid imagination. That's, you could make that argument with anything. If you don't complete a book, then the blank pages leave the reader imagination to complete the own book, him or herself. That's fucking stupid. Brevity is the soul of wit, I guess you would say. What about Impressionist art? Like Monet and Mane and whatever A?

Well, the artist is still trying to convey a certain thought or emotion, and they're able to do that through Impressionism. But it's not left to the reader to imagine exactly what that is. The artist has a vision, and they convey it through Impressionism. All right, Nick, I guess you're wrong. Hey, how about this one? CDs degrade worse than vinyl. You have a CD that starts skipping, like 15 years into it?

Vinyl still rocks. No, that's not true. I don't believe that at all. I don't believe that for one fucking second. Here, I got a comment from Drinky Bird. It's at Drinky Bird on Twitter. He says, Maddox, an MP3 can be made to sound like vinyl. Vinyl cannot be made to sound like an MP3.

True. Wait a minute. An MP3 can be made to sound like vinyl, but not the other way around. Yeah, yeah, you can add all sorts of scratchy bullshit if you want. I guess. All right. This is, I still don't think that the problem was audio files. I think it was vinyl enthusiasts, like pretentious vinyl.

Right. Well, apparently people thought that fucking lightsabers has some real-world effect because it's in the positive territory on the votes. Not this guy, though. Let me play you this voicemail. Hey, Dick. How about your problem on goofy lightsabers? Nobody fucking cares.

Yeah. You're an idiot. It wrecks the allegory. The whole thing. Crazy. You know, Dick, I got a comment here. This is about pedophiles. This is a joke I've seen floating around on the internet.

It's from Baba and Salon. He says, pedophiles are fucking immature assholes. Oh, God. I got a voicemail for you. What's up, guys? Sky Daddy sends here. You're a huge fan of the show. Hey, Maddoch.

If you like CDs over tape so much, how about I take my dick to your forehead so you can see these nuts? Okay. Have you ever heard that one? Great. No. I've never heard that one.

Piece of shit. Sean, there's one for you. Yeah, thank God I didn't delete it. You were being offensive last week when you said that women weren't interested in the audio file problem. And a female listener had a problem with a... This is a message for Sean. This is Angelo's mom. It's Angel's Bob.

Listen here, you son of a bitch. You think girls don't like things like analog recording, multi-track recording, and things like this. You are a Texas Son of a bitch You are probably gay I don't know Like dick Who can go fuck himself

By the way All right You are gay And who are you gay? Yes Sean That was Angela's mom Did she become Italian In between episodes?

Yeah she also became Dracula All right What else he got? James Pooley says Hey, my name is James Pooley. I work at a wastewater treatment plant. I wanted to let you know that you should continue to tell your friends that they are morons when they don't flush their toilets to conserve water.

We actually use centrifuges to remove virtually all the water from the sewage. This water is then sent to a nearby lake, which then gets treated and goes back into your homes. So if it's yellow, let it mellow, which does drought dickbags do is nonsense. Right. So they send it to a centrifuge which separates any piss and poop particles from the water, and they still conserve the water. That's fucking... So anyone who's not been flushing their toilets is stupid.

A stupid idiot and deserves to die with gravel in their mouths. Sure. I got the last one from Zach Sherman. Of Mice and Men's spoilers. God, I was right in the middle of that book. Thanks, Maddox. Spoiler alert. You said last week that Lenny gets killed

in the end of Mice and Men. Do you remember saying that? Yeah, oh, I'm sorry. Did I spoil a book that's been out for fucking 70 years? That guy was right in the middle of it, though, man. I don't give a shit. All right. Everyone knows how fucking...

Titanic ended, but that was still a multi-multy million-dollar movie. Yeah. Stupid. Did you see it in theaters? No, I still haven't seen it. I swore. Oh, man, you got me. Damn it.

All right. I didn't see it either. What'd you swear? I swore. When that movie came out, I would never see it. I swore. It's still an article on my website. I said, I will never see this movie no matter what, end of story, period.

Really? Yeah, and I've only seen the nude scenes. What would it take? Okay. You know, boobies. Yeah, yeah, no, I know. But would it take to get you to see it? I wouldn't see it.

Never. For no reason. For no reason. I'm a very principled guy. Oh, yeah, I know. Okay. You've sacrificed what? Tens of thousands of dollars, because I promised I would never put ads on my website.

Oh, tens of thousands? Well, per month. I think you should add a couple zeros onto that. Yeah, it's easily in the hundreds of thousands at this point. But I could be making tens of thousands of dollars per month if I had ads on my website. I refuse to. All right. Should we get to our problems?

Let's do it. What's your first problem this week? Well, my first problem was Sean Delete. did the podcast. Oh, right. What's your second problem? My second problem this week is hunger. Hunger? Hunger. Why is that a problem, Dick? You know what I did this weekend? You guys both know that I'm no stranger to philanthropy.

To giving back to the community. Oh, sure. You couldn't even say it. It's the first time his mouth has ever made those words come out. Whatever. Okay. I went to a soup kitchen when I was on Dr. Phil, for example. Uh-huh. And then, uh, flashed forward seven years. And I went to this, I went to this food charity.

Which you don't like to mention, by the way, that you did. I don't like to mention. I don't like to talk about this. No, because you're so, so selfless. Yeah, I only mention it because it just happened. Yeah. That's why. Okay.

I'll be honest with you. I did it because I thought there would be chicks there. Of course. Of course, Dick. Yeah. Very calculated. I don't think it's that calculated. Hey, I'm not faulting you for it. That's a good move.

Yeah, I mean, then I realized, though, when I showed up there late, which I did show up late to help with this thing, this food thing, I realized that all the chicks I date don't wake up or get out of bed before 1 p.m. Yeah, you don't want one of those, you don't want one of these studious types who are at the food shelter. Well, I don't know. I thought it might be a nice change of pace. Here's what the food shelter did. Apparently, I didn't know this until I missed the orientation video, but somebody told me. me after I got there. There's all these kids, right, that eat at school every week, but then they go home and they got nothing to eat. So what this group does, this food first group, is it makes these care packages and gives them

to poor kids so they can take home and eat over the weekend. So they're not starving all weekend, right? Because what is worse? Honestly, I'm honestly asking you this. What is worse than being hungry? Nothing. Drowning. No.

Pedophiles. Easily worse than hunger. You would rather be hungry than... Do you want a pedophile, really? Dick, hunger is temporary. Molestation is forever. Right? I think these people are in a state of perpetual hunger.

Yeah, well, once you're molested, you're in a state of perpetual molestation. I mean, you're done. I would let someone look at my junk for a candy bar. You know what I'm saying? No one wants to see your junk. No one would give you a candy bar to say... see you're junk. I would give you a candy bar to put your pants back up. Like tonight at the theater, if you had your pants down and blood and bullshit and guts all over

your pants, I'd be like, here, man, have a candy bar. I never thought I would have to say the line, I'm sorry, ma'am, I ruined my pants this evening. I'm sorry that I'm not wearing my, I'm sorry, I've ruined my pants even that's not why I'm wearing underpants. Oh, you have ruined a lot of pants through various reasons. And anyway, I don't, I disagree with you, man. I think hunger's the worst thing ever. Like, I would rather do, if I'm hungry, I start going insane. I really do.

Well, that's, I mean, that's you, man. I'm hungry right now. I haven't eaten dinner. I've been snacking on nuts all night. That's me. Great, there's a sound bite that I'll never hear the end of. Yeah, so I've been, I'm hungry right now. I'm still doing this podcast.

What is it? Tuesday morning, T-minus seven hours before we release this episode? I'm hungry. One in nine people on our planet goes to bed hungry each night. Is this just a me thing? I think hunger is a big fucking deal. I will do anything to not be hungry. Yeah.

I mean that. Like, something switches off in my brain, and I, like, turn into an animal when I need to eat food. Yeah. Well, I actually have some stats for you, Dick. One and three people in this room is going to go to bed hungry tonight. The source is my life. I'm still hungry. You're going to go to bed hungry?

Why? I mean, we'll see. The pizza place are fucking close. We're recording this podcast. It's almost like one in the morning. Everything's going to close by the time it's over. Yeah. Okay, one in nine people are going to bed hungry.

Is that true? One and nine? Yeah, that's true. So why are these statisticians just feeding these people? If they survey these people and they find out they're hungry, be like, hey, and by the way, here's a sandwich. What are they made? Sandwich genies? They're walking around with satchels of sandwiches wherever they go?

It's hard to move food around. Well, that's true. That's true. There is a logistical problem. I will tell you this, Dick. When homeless people ask me for money, I rarely give it to them. However, I almost have never turned down a homeless person who's hungry. I always buy them food.

Yeah, so you get what I'm saying. It's miserable to be hungry. Well, I don't know about that, but I mean, it's, it is, yeah, sure. But more, it's the biggest problem in the universe, more than female genital mutilation. Hunger kills more people each year than AIDS, malaria, and tuberculosis combined. 3.1 million kids die, 11 million people die. Is that true? That's a real sense.

What's your source? Do Something.org. And stop hunger now. All right. 11 million people that's more than AIDS. You know what, Dick? You make a good point. I guess hunger is a bigger problem than AIDS.

So if this system works, if this podcast is doing its job, you idiots should vote up hunger above AIDS, but not above anything else. You know, you are always harping on this not. This isn't a contest thing. You started in with this recently when you started losing several in a row. But it sounds like you're just arguing hunger because you don't want me to win. When, this is a legitimate problem. It is a problem.

I want, look, I am doing my job as a debater and as a co-host to make sure that people vote this problem exactly where it should be on the list. Right. That's what I want. Dick, I am curious. Which is below pedophiles, right? I think pedophiles are a bigger problem than hunger? Well, dude, I would, I would, well, everything I say is going to be a sound bite from here. But I would blow a guy if I'm going to starve to death.

If I'm, if I'm that hungry, I would do it. I don't fucking care, man. I need to eat. And who are you gay? There we go again. Just because you're making her say it doesn't get you off the hook, by the way. And then, no, no, that was in context. I don't know what you're talking about.

Listen, Dick, if you, look, everybody, everybody has been hungry at some point, right? I would trade one molestation for being hungry for a year. I would rather be hungry for a year than be molest. Are you kidding me? What are the options? Like, some creepy dude puts his junk on me versus I go to bed a little bit. hungry? I'm a little bit nippy when I wake up in the morning. What if it's a lot hungry? Well, you know, I mean, I've never been a lot hungry. Who has, though? There we, a ton of people

all over the world, you shit wit. That's what I'm talking about. One in six people in America face hunger. One in six, that's an outrageous number, Dick. That seems like a ridiculous amount of people. Dude, it's just, listen to this. 50 million Americans struggled to put food on the table. Have you ever questioned putting food on your table? I have never questioned not being able to eat. Yeah, because food is cheap. You can buy, look, for 50 cents, you could buy a cup of noodles. You're set for a night.

A couple of noodles. Okay, food insecurity is what it's called. Stupid name. Food insecurity? Yeah. That's what the USDA calls this thing that's going on. Okay. First of all, they should have called it something outrageous, right?

To get people jazzed up about putting. an end to it. Oh, to, okay, to stop, to help and hunger. They should have called it like hunger death or like starvation something. Oh, oh, risk of starvation. How about the hunger games? Yeah, very good. All right. Uh, food insecurity refers to the USDA's measure of lack of access at times to enough food for all household members. So that means kids, that means households with children reported a significantly higher food insecurity rate than households without kids. This is households. at 26% by the way, when this was taken, that have food insecurity,

which means not everybody at the table is eating. So why don't you think about that? This isn't about being nippish. This is about not being able to eat over the weekend, which is what that place was about that I was at. Oh, interesting, Dick. You know that, yeah, yeah, you know, this is a problem, but let me connect the dots here.

So we got this family, right, with too many mouths to feed. Right. Too many mouths to feed means too many babies, Therefore, babies is the biggest problem in the universe. Go vote up babies, you idiots. It's still in the negatives. I can't believe you guys. If people had fewer babies, hunger wouldn't be an issue, dick.

You wouldn't even have to bring in this horseshit problem. And by the way, I got a quick extra problem this week. How about shitty fucking Apple products that keep crashing? Okay, just real quick. I want to say that because it keeps fucking crashing. Okay, go on. Every time, every... The last four fucking episodes.

All right, go on. What else you got in hunger? What did you say right before that non-sequitur? Babies are the biggest problem, because if you had fewer babies, there'd be less hungry. Here's the thing. There's plenty of food. 40% of our food is thrown out in the U.S. every year.

We're throwing it away. This is food that's just getting thrown away, like straight out of Ralph's, right into the trash can. Yeah. Straight out of the supermarket, right into the garbage. Yeah, I received an email from this idiot, zealot, vegetarian one time who said, Medox, if we were all vegetarians, we could use the land that animals graze on to grow crops for humans. And I said, hey, idiot, no, you can't, first of all, that's not nutritious. That's not, those are nutrient-sapped soils that they graze on.

It's not something that they can just grow any kind of crop on. And second, we have a surplus of grains already in this country. They have giant silos in the Midwest full of grains that they can't use or ship anywhere. But the problem isn't that we don't have enough food. The problem is the logistics of getting that food to the people who need it. It's too expensive. If you want to spring for it, dickhead, then go fucking do it. But don't tell me to stop eating a steak because you think it's going to help end hunger.

It's not. We have way more food than the ability to deliver it. Yeah, you're right. Oh, thank you. I was expecting for you to shit on my point. No, it's hard to get... Hey, I was doing it this weekend. It's fucking hard.

My back's killing me. And by the way, I couldn't... get in with any of those girls there because it's all like a bunch of white kids that show up all these weekenders that show up to like feel good about themselves over the weekend right? Right. So they're busting their ass

on this assembly line like it's like they're building the bridge over the river Kwai. Right? Yeah. Like they're fighting each other to to supply these boxes with food. I take a break to talk to

somebody and I'm getting shouted at by like two people running the line. It was like a fucking chain gang there. Yeah, it sounds pretty awful, man. And also, again, again, Dick, maybe they could sense your underlying air of insincerity. Right? I mean, I'm with you right there, buddy.

Do I sound insincere? Because I actually care about being hungry. I don't care about a lot. I know you care about being hungry, but with the other shit, absolutely sound insincere. And I've been there right there with you, dude. I went to a protest once to pick up chicks. What protest?

Some Persian something or other. Persian chicks are really into me. Yeah, I don't know. Iran was doing something and everyone was pissed off and the Persians were like, hey, I ran something or other. I don't even remember. It doesn't matter. But I went to this protest because like Persian chicks are really into me.

I don't know. Check it out, right? Yeah. Why? I mean, why would they be into you? Okay. Just the handsomeness and my bulging genius brain maybe. Okay.

or penis. Yeah, so anyway, Dick, maybe it's the insincerity that they picked up on. Well, it was quite a scene. And, um, hey, that's why I'm bringing it in.

Hunger. Great, hunger. You know what, Dick? I will give you this. It is a bigger problem with AIDS by, as a fact, because it, 11 million people die per year, right? How many does AIDS kill?

I don't even remember, like 3, 4 million. I don't think you ever actually looked it up. I looked it up. You don't think it's a bigger problem than slacktivists? No. Yeah, you know how you avoid. Avoid slackivists, you get off of Facebook.

You know how you avoid being hungry? You can't. You're fucked. No, Dick, I'll tell you why slacktivist is a bigger problem, for real. Because slacktivists, say, for example, they want to end hunger. So they create a Facebook campaign that gets a whole bunch of clicks. UNICEF even created an advertisement saying, hey, guys, we can't feed people with your likes and thumbs up. We need actual donations and money.

Slacktivists is a bigger problem because people use it in lieu of doing. actual help and doing anything, which is way more damaging than not doing anything at all, because then they feel like they've done something, and then they'll never do anything ever again. You know what the worst problem about hunger is? What? You get drunk way too fast.

That's true. I wouldn't say that's the worst problem with hunger. I would say death. It's a big problem. It's a big problem. It's part of it. I'm trying to build a whole case here for hunger. Do you see?

Yeah. So it appeals to everyone. Yeah, it happened to me, Dick. The other night I went to a bar, I was pretty hungry. and I felt like such a pussy. I had half a light beer, like half a light beer, and I was buzzed. I felt like such an idiot.

I felt so weak. I wanted to just gut myself. No, man, I think it's a bigger problem than you're making it out to be. It is a bigger problem than AIDS. I'll give you that. AIDS was my problem, Dick. You just fucking arguing. You're tolerant.

It's so argumentative about hunger. What are you talking about? It's a big problem, but not too big, right? You don't want it to be hunger at the top of the list, do you? It won't be. because it's not that paid. And it's like, if you win next week, he gave you permission. Hey, Sean, if I do win, don't delete the episode, okay?

Sean, please do. I will approve that as well. I won't fuck with people when they're hungry. That's all I'm going to say. I will fuck with them on anything else. I'll fuck with them if they're having relationship problems. I'll fuck with them if, like, their car is lost or someone's in trouble and they don't know what's going on. but if someone's hungry

you gotta get that person straight to a restaurant we gotta get that person straight to a Popeyes I don't care what's in the way this person needs some chicken ASAP no man I see I love pushing people's buttons

and especially someone who gets hangary that's the expression that people use now hangary when you're hungry and angry I don't use hashtags yeah it's not okay dick I don't either but when people get hungry especially this happens with a lot of my friends

girlfriends where they'll get really fucking cranky and I at some point just take a step back and think well man get your shit under control I don't care who you are like whether it's the guy or the girl you need to get your shit under control I get it you're hungry we all get hungry sometimes

but don't be an asshole to everyone else it's not it's not gonna make me want to make you happy if you're being an asshole about it you're hungry around me yeah buddy yeah you're gonna get stay hungry maybe I'll take the long path home oh you know I'm hitting all these red lights all of a sudden because I know how to avoid red lights buddy

I know how to navigate every city like a pro. I'm a samurai when in traffic. And if someone's hungry and being an asshole, maybe I'll take the long way. I don't know. Oh, oops. We got here five minutes too late. The restaurant closed.

Shit. Maybe don't be such a dick next time. I'll eat you if you do that to me. Great. I know where you can start. All right, Dick, is that all you got? Yeah, I think so. All right, Dick.

Did we learn anything from that? Yeah, actually, you know, hunger is a pretty big problem. I wouldn't say it's the biggest problem in the universe, but it's pretty big. It should be up there. I would say hunger should be. Where should it be? Probably in the top ten. Okay. Above female genital mutilation, you think? Probably. No, I don't think so. Female genital mutilation is permanent. Anything that's a permanent, that has permanent lasting effect is a bigger problem than hunger. Death is a pretty permanent side effect of hunger, I think.

11 million people dying every year? I don't know, man. Where are these people dying? How many people do you know that come back from temporary death? Not a lot. I mean, are we talking comas? Does comas count? No. Okay, then none. All right, Dick.

Enough about hunger. Let's get to a real problem, shall we? Yeah, there's a real problem? Yeah, I got a real problem. Gourmet dog food. Fuck off. There's a real problem, buddy. Listen to this.

Okay? Yeah. Now, here's a rule. If you lick your own asshole and occasionally munch on a few nuggets of your own turd, you aren't allowed to eat food. that looks better than the food I eat. Is that fair? Right?

If you're a fucking dog that licks its own asshole, I don't want to feed you a fancy-looking cupcake made out of dog food. No cookies made out of dog shit. I don't want to feed you anything that looks fucking fancy. I don't want to think about it. Whatever dogs eat should look like shit. Because dogs don't care. Dogs literally eat shit.

Yeah, you don't have to do any of that, though. What? With the cupcake thing? Buy them cupcakes? Yeah. Okay, great, I'm not. That's just like a fun thing that people do. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, I'll tell you people do it. It's not hurting you, is what I'm saying. Yeah, well, I'll tell you how it does hurt people, Dick. All right. According to the New York Times, pet owners invariably called pet parents by the makers of super premium pet foods do not mind reaching into their wallets and paying extra even in recessionary times. Two underlying forces have intensified the urge to spend. aging pets and growing population of affluent pet owners spending money on them. So a new study, this is an actual study from the pet industry by Dillon Media reports

that those making more than $100,000 a year increase their share of pet food spending and now account for about a third of the total market. These are precisely the health-conscious label scrutinizing restaurant-going consumers likely to indulge their cats and dogs at meal times. You know, good. So they don't want to feed their pets, other pets. They don't want to feed their pets like niled, mulched up carcasses of other dead animals. They want to spring for a little more and get like chicken meal.

What do you mean, Dick? What do you mean they're feeding them other pets? That's what dog food is other dogs. Okay, so let's say it is. So that's disgusting. If you're making $100,000 a year, yeah, you can splurge and not have to. know that you're feeding your dog other euthanized dogs.

Dick, that's the animal kingdom. That's how it works. In nature, if an animal keels over and dies, guess what? God just euthanized it? Well, yeah, God euthanized it. Who knows? Whatever the cause for death is in nature, some other animals are going to come by and eat its carcass. That's what happens.

No, wolves do not eat dead animals. They prey on things. I'm not saying just wolves. Other animals eat dead animals. Vultures. Our pets don't. Of course they do. Unless you're the Adams family, you don't have a vulture as a pet. Look, all I'm saying is if these people want to give their pets a better experience when they're eating, what's the big fucking deal? Dick, I'll tell you what the big fucking deal is.

You said that hunger is a big fucking problem, right? Yeah, it is. What if all these affluent dickheads who are buying their pets fancy feasts, instead of spending all that money, that extra money on their fucking stupid animals, Why don't they feed humans who are dying from starvation? This is such horseshit. This argument that why don't these rich people spend money on the very poor? Because you have just as much responsibility as the very rich to pay for people who are dying of hunger. Like their money, you don't have access to rich people's money just because relative to you, it's a lot.

You still have just as much responsibility as they do. Well, I mean, I do my part, but if I had that much money, if I had enough money to spend on fucking fancy, eat pet food. I would take care of humans first. Now, we don't have, however they spend their money is they're right. They worked for it. If they want to splurge on their making their pets happy, then that's fine. Yeah, you know what, Dick, it's not just rich people. According,

this is a continuation of the New York Times article. They said they might cut back on a new car or taking a trip around the world, but they won't skimp on their pets, said Tom Neiman, the owner of Fromm family foods, a fourth generation family business in Mechwan, Wisconsin. It's not going to happen. Mr. Neiman at

Fromm drew on his devoted viewing of Food Network shows in formulating his four-star line of dry food for cats and dogs. Four-star. Four-star line. The grain-free surf and turf for dogs, a culinary voyage in a bag, includes ingredients like wild salmon, duck, chicken, and hand-picked vegetables and fruits. Sure. Wisconsin cheese adds a subtle locovore touch. These fucking dogs, they're feeding them locally grown Wisconsin cheese and hand-picked vegetables, these fucking dumb-ass animals that wouldn't know.

no shit from a sandwich. Maddox, that compared to feeding them other euthanized pets and cattle, just dead cattle, bulldoze into a combine with their shit and bones. That is a far superior option. If you have a tiny bit more money to spend on it, you know how much it costs to feed a dog? Even if you get the good stuff, it's like 30 bucks a month. No, the good food costs is double, at least double. Is double. What? Feeding a dog's very cheap.

You can feed a dog garbage for like 15, 20 bucks a month. No, not if you're buying them this horse shit. And besides, I eat ground up animals all the time. I eat burgers all the time. It's great. I don't give a shit. Really? Yeah.

With a bunch of like sodium barbidol or whatever they use at the pound to kill the thing that you're eating. You would eat, you would eat as a burger that had, that knowing that the animals in it had been put to death chemically. and that the chemicals were still bouncing around inside of them. Yeah, they probably have some process to get rid of the chemicals. It's probably... No. Yeah, how do you know, Dick? Because that's the difference between a food that's able to be consumed by animals

and one that's able to be consumed by humans. Okay, it's called the 4Ds. Yeah. It's... Oh, God, it's... Hold on, it's dead, dying, disabled, or diseased. Yeah. If an animal is that, you cannot feed it to a human being.

Okay. But you can feed it to a pet. That's because humans find that disgusting, but if you eat a cancerous animal, you're not going to get cancer. You don't know that. Yes, I do know that, Dick. Eating an animal gives you cancer. Eating more red meat gives you cancer. Sure, Dick, but what doesn't give you cancer?

You know what does? More cancer! Other cancers eating it gives you cancer. Consuming cancer doesn't give you cancer, Dick. It's not going to modify your DNA. There is absolutely no science to back that up. We do not know what causes cancer. the Chinese believe for thousands of years, and they still do, that if you have a problem with your eye,

if you eat another animal's eye, you'll have healthier eyes. Or if you have a problem with your legs, you eat, you eat legs, you'll have healthier legs. Therefore, if we eat cancer, we'll have cancer, that's stupid. If you digest it, it's not, it's like, it's like digesting venom. You're not going to, you're not going to die from digesting venom. It needs to be inside your system. That's because we know how venom works. We don't know how cancers work. Well, sure we do. The cancel has to infect a cell. It's not going to, if you're, if you cook it, it's a dead, it's a bunch of dead tissue. It's a bunch of dead carbon. All right, Maddox, then, uh, why does meat cause cancer?

I don't know, Dick, and I'm not sure that it does. Well, there's some studies that say it does, some that don't, and I believe that most of them are sponsored by vegetarians who have an agenda. That's what I believe. Does meat cause cancer? Great. You know, are all these animals fucking dying left or right, or the keeling over,

dying? Yeah, pets are getting worse diseases. Pets are getting more cancer now. Oh, really? Because that's bullshit. They're living longer than ever, and I have the evidence to prove it. I have all these New York Times out articles. There's another article I want to mention. You can live longer and get more cancer. In fact, they're very related. Well, sure, but they're leaving longer. That's still the point. They're still living longer. Who says that animals are supposed to live forever? Yeah, they get cancer by living

into long age. Maybe that's just a side effect of living a long age. Who knows, man? We don't understand what causes cancer. It still happens. Look, there's an article in the New York Times called For the Dogs has a whole new meaning. It doesn't just stop with pet food, Dick. Now they have nudicles. Have you heard of these? Yeah, I know those. Nudicles. Prostetic testicles for neutered dogs and cats at about $1,000 a pair, which their designers say help your pet retain his natural look, self-esteem,

and aids in the trauma associated with altering. Oh. They have a device to help with your pet's self-esteem. How the fuck do they know if a pet has self-esteem issues or not? Who gives a shit? It's a fucking pet. And by the way, can you imagine walking around with a bunch of plastic testicles on you? This is entirely vanity for the owner.

I was just imagining, I want to put those on my neck, right? Like right under my chin. Nudicles. Did some nauticals and put them right under there. Yeah, you know what it means? It's called peacocking. Oh, yeah. It's something cocking.

You know what it means if you have balls on your chin, dude. Got a dick in your mouth. All right, let's go on here. Now, it's true. It's a fact. Look it up. Okay, so Dick, you said, well, let's feed these animals. Wait a minute, I want to get back to the self-esteem thing.

Yeah. That's what you're talking about, right? You don't think dogs have self-esteem about their nuts getting chopped off? No, I don't think dogs are self-aware. Oh, they are very self-aware. Okay, not about losing their nuts. They don't know. I think they might notice their nuts being gone.

They don't know, Dick. It's like getting circumcised as a baby. You don't know what it's like to have foreskin. You just don't. Okay. I don't. Okay, listen to this. So earlier you're saying, well, you know, we shake that.

This is exactly what you know. If you're going to impersonate it. me, at least do like a nasally pompous asshole voice. Don't give me like a weak, uh, femi voice. All right, here we go. Kawabanga, dudes. That's closer.

So why don't we feed our dogs? That's good. Healthier food, because they're getting too much cancer. You gotta make it, you gotta like make it slower and like act like you know what you're talking about, too. Yeah. That was too excited.

Yeah. Well, here's, here's some actual, uh, some actual research dick. Are our pets healthier for all of this, right? You're saying that it makes them healthier to feed them better food, right? Tony Buffington, a professor of veterinary nutrition at Ohio State University, says, his students have studied the diet history of thousands of animals and have not yet determined that one pet food is better than another. We have been unable to distinguish an outcome in healthy animals eating a wide variety of foods, he says.

Asked about the variety at megastores like Petco, he says, I don't even go in there anymore. I wouldn't know where to start. And he adds that if you put all of them in a plain brown paper bag, you'd probably be fine with any one of them. So, Dick, there is no evidence that any of this expensive fucking bullshit is helping dogs live any longer.

Because of Tony Buffington? Yeah, Tony Buffington and the Buffetts? What Vegas Lounge is he performing at next? That guy doesn't sound like he knows nothing about dog food. Yeah, except that he's a professor of veterinary nutrition at Ohio State University. Oh, please. What are you a professor of?

Jack shit. The study doesn't prove shit. You don't prove shit, Dick. You keep denouncing studies with no evidence. You're just like, no, blah, blah, blah. That's stupid. Eating, eating animals that are full of poison and cancer is not good for you. You wouldn't do it.

Humans don't do. So what, you would do it? Dick, and animals' physiology is totally different. Animals eat raw foods with tons of bacteria, e-coli, all that shit doesn't bother them. but it bothers us. You can't say that one thing that affects us is going to be the completely same for an animal. Well, then how about I say this?

Animals do prefer other food. They prefer different types of food, right? Yeah, they prefer lochavore. What is locovore? A locovore is somebody who eats locally grown, organic, sustainable. I'm being serious. I'm being serious, too.

They prefer human food. Like, if you give a dog, regular dog food, and then dangle some chicken next. to it, it will go apeshit for the chicken. Dick, right? Maybe, but you're not accounting for the possibility that the dog sees you eating and enjoying that same food and wants what you're enjoying. You're not even going to say that a dog prefers human food, like a cooked chicken breast

over kibble. I don't know, Dick. I tried to feed a dog some onions once. Didn't like it. You need a dog. You have no fucking, you try to feed a dog onions and grapes, right? And they didn't like that? Onions, grapes and chocolate.

The dog would eat it. You're speaking from someone who does not and has not ever had a dog. Yeah. Right? So. I had a dog for a week. It was cool. You got a dog for a week?

Yeah. What did you feed it? Charcoal? I just went to the store and bought the cheapest whatever bullshit and the dog ate it happily. Dog doesn't fucking know. It's a dog. Hey, dog. What do you think of this food?

Uh-huh. It doesn't talk. It can't tell me anything. It can barely fucking emote. Oh, it's tail wagging. Guess it's happy. Whatever. It can barely emote?

Yeah. They're very expressive. Oh, they drool. We've been friends with them for 100,000 years. You don't think that there's any symbiosis between... Get out of here, being friends of dogs. That's true. They've been running...

We've been like pack hunters with dogs for 100,000 years. Great. Wait, wait, wait, what happened to the dog after a week? He ate it. Oh, I... No, I guess it finally ate the onions. No, the dog was lost, then I returned it to its owner. So listen to this, it doesn't end with the fucking gourmet dog food.

owner? I can't fucking tell. Dogs just wag. I guess it's happy. Sure, whatever. I mean, the dog's always fucking wagons tail and panting. It's always fucking happy. How can I tell? So, listen, it doesn't end with the fucking gourmet pet food dick. It just never fucking ends. Now, there are eco-friendly pieces of furniture. This is a continuation in the New York Times article. Grooming products and wipes. The wipes made from organically grown bamboo. An Israeli firm hawks dog shampoo containing Dead sea minerals. Dead sea minerals in dog shampoo. Another pet pop of Australia promotes a vitamin-infused

Mountain Spring Water for dogs. The price, $3.30 a bottle, about as much as a gallon of milk. You're giving your fucking dumb-ass dog vitamin-infused spring water from a mountain? Fuck off. Yeah, that's a little extreme.

Yeah, that's bullshit, man. So you're saying all these people are dying and they're hungry, and we're giving our dogs fucking Dead Sea minerals into their shampoo. That's what we're spending our money on? Yeah. You got a TV, Maddox? You could be using that to feed hungry people too.

Since you're giving out other people's money. But everybody has a TV dick. These aren't exorbitant things. Everybody. Everybody has TV. You know, these aren't exorbitant things I'm spending my money on. Not like dog shampoo. I'm not shampoo.

It's just, it's a, it's rubbing it in their faces. Whose faces? Poor people. It's rubbing it in poor people's faces that they want to give their dog a cupcake? No, not a cupcake, Dick. Well, yeah, a cupcake and a fancy dog shampoo and mountain spring water with vitamins.

Yeah. That's so stupid. A dog that would be just as happy licking out of a toilet with shit particles in it. Listen to this, Dick. I have a question. Mm-hmm. Isn't it about time, dogs, dog owners,

and high-end dog food manufacturers took a long, hard break to reflect on just how much they need to fuck off? Right, Dick, isn't it about time? Everybody just took a break for a minute. This is a continuation of that article. They said, We actually saw that there was a gap in the market for beverages for dogs, says Bonnie Sr., a manager at the company.

Then there is Jen Moore who says, she combined her love of dogs and love of candles to create sniff pet candles, made of 100% organic natural ingredients. The aromatherapy candles have names like Day in the Hamptons and field of dreams and promote your dog's optimum health and well-being,

her company says. I don't... Crock a horse shit is this. Aromatherby for your fucking dog? How about fucking wet wet dog for a scent? How about fire hydrant piss scent? That they like.

Yeah, they would like that. I do like that. Yeah. A dog would love another dog's asshole candle. How's that? But you see, that's like vinyl Maddox. You can't just make... You can't make a fraser

like other dog's asshole that's as rich as a real dog's asshole. They would be synthesized. Oh, my God, Dick. What is the file? You know what? You're a dog's ass file. That's what you are. You know what really pisses me off about this?

The disingenuousness of it all. They are deluding people. They think that they're... Of course, deluding who? The companies are deluding people with these products. They think that it's for the dogs, but it's not. It's for the consumer. Well, yeah.

Well, if you are buying something, then where does altruism come in? If you're doing something nice for your pet, then why don't you just actually do something nice for your pet rather than buy into this bullshit and delude yourself into thinking you are? Because you're not. The pet doesn't know what the Hamptons are. A pet doesn't know field of dreams?

What the fuck? Try to-smelling to a dog. You don't think the pets like the nice smells? No, I don't. No, I think that it's probably too caustic an offensive to the pet. Pets have very sensitive sense of smell, right? Right.

So if you have any kind of candle that we can sense, it's probably way too powerful for a pet. I don't know. I heard somewhere that our sense of smell is... I mean, this is unrelated, that it's similar to dogs. Yeah, well... They just have less senses, so they have to rely on it more. I don't know. It's not important.

So from ScienceDaily.com, there's an article says, Dog Food Goes Gourmet, 9 Emerging Trends and Pet Food. Listen to this, Dick. Four out of five pet owners now consider their pets a... member of their family, and consumers are shifting their priorities when it comes to purchasing food for their pets accordingly.

$10.4 billion out of $26 billion total is spent on premium pet food, and natural pet food sales is over $4.1 billion, Dick. Yeah, they are a member of your family. What? Dogs? Yeah. Why? Because.

What do you mean they're a member of your family? No, they're not. They don't have a passport. They have an individual personality. They care for you. You can. care for them, you have a relationship with them. They're not interchangeable. I know you hate, I know the dogs are a problem to you, but they're unique entities. They have

personality. They learn to be amongst you. You can teach them. You can train them. They comfort you. They do everything that a family member should. Really? Drive you to the hospital? No, they fucking can't. Can they give you, can you a massage, huh? A rub down?

They can't do that shit. They can't help you with your homework. They can't make spaghetti. With your homework. Yeah. Hey, I'm making spaghetti over here. Why don't you chop the basil, dip shit? I'm a dog. Of course they can.

They can't do shit. They only do the unimportant things like comfort you. You know what? Yeah. And have a relationship with you. Anything can comfort you, man. Books comfort me. You know what, Dick?

I have never been bit by someone's mom or aunt or child. I've never gone over to someone's house and been afraid that their daughter might bite me. You're afraid of dogs? Well, well, you know, it depends on her age. But dogs, I've been bit by so many dogs. Dogs bite me all the fucking time. I can see why. They probably see that you're an asshole.

We've got to get that guy. Dogs bite. Dogs are a member of the family, dude. You got to realize that. How is it stupid? That's stupid. If you think your dogs... Okay, look, if it's a member of your family,

then it should have its own zip code and its own address. What do you mean? It's not a fucking person, dude. That's why dogs are considered property. Look, it's not an equal. member of your family, but it's certainly a member of your family. Great, Dick. I wish we had that other recording. You said some other shit. What did I say? What do you mean?

You know, what did I say? Just say it. I remember you, I think you said the opposite. I think you said the dogs weren't a member of your family. No, you said you were astonished by the number. I grew up with dogs. What do you mean they're not a member of the family? They're very important. There is a very, there's a real sense of loss when they're gone or when they die or when they're in trouble. Yeah, I also have a sense of loss when I lose my cell phone. That doesn't mean it's my fucking family member. It can't give me a massage. It can't drive me to the hospital.

All of your qualifications for what it takes to be a family member are things they can do for you, by the way. You got anything else? Like, that's maybe a little back and forth? Yeah, well, what? What do I do for my family members? Yeah. I don't know, man. I'm not that close. And your numbers are our dog shit.

Because what did you say? People spend 10.6 billion on dog food? $10.4 billion out of 26 billion total spent on premium dog food. Just the one number. How much are they spending overall? Overall 26 billion. And that was according to 2012 statistics. Let me tell you how

worthless that is in the grand scheme of things. We're throwing away $165 billion worth of food every year. Yeah. That goes into trash. We're spending Dick, no, that's not entirely true. That's sometimes, that's also food that gets, uh, uh, that gets put into silos because it's subsidized

and then that gets thrown, that gets tossed out. That's not something that like, that's not like table scraps we're just throwing away every day. Those are worthless. That's not included in this figure. This is like food that's ready to be consumed that we just tank. No, I don't, I don't know about that. I mean, possibly, but I don't think it's, it's, it's, uh, I. Okay, well, either way, it's way more.

than the 26 billion we're spending to feed man's best friend. Oh, yeah, Dick? Well, this $4.1 billion that we're spending on natural pet food sales, here's how much that is, okay? Here's the GDP of countries less than the amount Americans spend on natural pet food. Netherlands, Fiji, Liberia, the British Virgin Islands, Dominica, these are countries that don't even make as much money

as we piss away on fucking cupcakes for dogs. How much you spending on video games there, Maddox? How much do we spend every year on... fucking video games over here. Me? I don't know. You don't think that's exactly the same as gourmet dog food? No, not at all. Oh, because you enjoy video games and these people enjoy buying their pets' fancy treats.

Dick, video games enrich my life and potentially cause me to become a better person. Cupcakes! Dark Souls does not make you a better person, dude. It makes you a huge fucking asshole. You scream at 13-year-old kids when you're playing that game.

that shit, it makes you a better person, it makes you waffle. Better player, better person. You know what? At least video games can enrich my vocabulary, can increase my hand-eye coordination, can increase my... You need all that when you're spearfishing, right? To feed hungry people? You know what, Dick? You know what? At least video games have that potential to enrich lives. Cupcakes for dogs, they'll have only one potential, and that's to turn into shit.

That's all that they do. You're buying something that dogs convert to poop. You don't think dogs enrich people's lives, do you? Do you? Yeah, of course they do. Oh, they do? I do believe that, yeah. Okay. Yeah, I do believe that.

That doesn't mean I'm going to fucking give it a fucking platter of goose liver. Fuck off, dog. You can eat whatever. Dogs are animals that eat couches and shoes and fucking tennis balls. They chew. Well, they do that when they're acting out. The couches and the shoes shit. Dick, you don't know what a dog is doing.

You don't know the psychology of a dog. You don't know if a dog has low self-esteem or high self-esteem. You barely know shit about a dog. You're not a fucking dog, and dogs can't communicate. You can't even ask it any questions. They can communicate. They can communicate big time. Yeah.

Oh, big time. Listen to this dick. 79% of pet owners. You're like jungle Jack Hanna if he was retarded. I'm getting those anger sweats. I just want to rip my dick off right now. Listen to this dick. 79% of pet owners said the quality of.

of their pets food is as important as their own. Well, wait, what? Yeah, 79% four out of five people think they're all, their dog's pet food, their pet food is as important as their own food. Yeah, but you know what? See, you come in with these stats. When I hear stats like that, like on TV, I always want to know what they asked. Because if they, you can ask different questions and get the, like, if you say, is the quality of your food important?

And I said, yes, I said, okay. Is the quality of your pets food important? and I say yes. You do that enough time. That's that. That means, oh, this person must think that their pets' food, quality is as important as theirs. Welcome to the Masterson Factor.

All Spin Zone. Here we go. You haven't heard that? You can ask whatever you want to get the answer you want? Yeah, of course, Dick. But do you really think that there's some nefarious fucking lobby trying to figure that out, trying to make it sound like dog food owners,

dog owners think that their pets food is as important as theirs? Why would anyone ask some stupid fucking horse shit question to make it sound like that result. I don't know if you're trying to sell dog food? Wouldn't you want to make people think that most people are as concerned about the quality of their dog food as their own food? Possibly. That'd be a hell of a way to sell dog food.

True, Dick, but that doesn't discount the possibility that actual dipshits think this. And I think that there are a lot of actual dipshits out there. Now, there's also a paleo diet has created a new sector of ancestral foods that reflect of earlier diets of canines and felines that are focused on the high-quality protein and grains and pet food. Now they have a paleo diet for fucking dumbass dogs. You believe this shit? It sounds silly, but I don't know that it's...

I'd rather feed them a paleo diet than poisoned other pets. Yeah, you know what, Dick? I know one of these people. This girl on Facebook, I used to see she used to post nothing about fucking dog, dog, dog, dog, dog. And then she finally chilled on the dog pictures. And now she posts pictures of the dog food that she feeds her dog. And guess what it is? Fucking steak.

Every day, it's New York steak, flank. uh, ribi, brisket. She, she, she, her entire kitchen counter is filled with raw meats. And by the way, Dick, you're wrong. You're saying that, the dogs don't eat other dead animals. She fucking feeds her dog steak, raw steak every day. I'm saying they don't eat other dead carcasses in the wild. Yeah.

That's not what they do. They hunt. Dick, you, have you ever driven through the desert? Like, okay, you, I'm just, this isn't going to, okay, great. This isn't going to be a rhetorical question. Ah, yeah, I love those. When I was driving, when I was driving to Area 51, uh, back in, uh, Wait a minute, what?

Yeah, yeah, there's a whole story. So I'll just say, I'll talk about Area 51 another time. But I was driving to Area 51 a long time ago. And I remember we were driving down this trail, and there were all these, like, dead animals that we were, that either, you know, people had hit before us. And we got down to as far as we could, like, close to the base, and there were some security and all this other shit.

We had to be turned around. On our way back, all the dead animals were gone. Do you think there were vultures out there at midnight? This was, by the way, like two, three in the morning. Vultures aren't out. they're hunting for these carcasses. I'll tell you what it was. Coyotes, fox?

What? It was aliens. Okay. Aliens are eating dead carcasses. Area 51. I'm just so fucking mad. I'm just scrunching in my notes here. So, man.

Listen to this. This is my last point here I want to say. The top drivers of sales and pet foods include adding excitement to the pets diets via flavors, gravies, look-alike human recipes, and meal-specific foods such as appetizers and breakfast. They're giving their fucking dogs appetizers? You don't need to give a dog appetizers.

Guess what? Dogs are always fucking hungry. They'll eat anything. Would you give them a treat? Would you ever give your dog a treat if you had one? If it was a good dog. It's fun. It's fun to treat them. It's fun to reward them. It's fun to beat suckers in Dark Souls. Yeah. That's so much more fun. And by the way, when I'm done with Dark Souls, not Dark Sores. When I'm done with the game, I turn it off and go to sleep. I don't have to worry about it whining.

I don't have to worry about the neighbors calling because my Dark Souls is barking to you. loud. My Dark Souls game never bites anybody who comes to visit. My Dark Souls game doesn't shit everywhere. I don't have to carry around bags of shit with me. And I don't have to, I sure shit don't have to buy it fancy fucking cupcakes. It just works. And you can take it to the park and all the girls come around and say, wow, your Dark Souls game is really beautiful. See, agenda. You always have this angle. You're always calculating. It's a thing. It's, you know, a community thing. Yeah. Oh, a community thing. You can meet people. and go places.

It's fun to have a dog. There it is. There is the reason you like your dog. It's chicks. It's fun to have a dog, and it's fun to treat them. So why not, what's so wrong about giving them a little more? It just seems exorbitant, Dick. If you had fewer dogs in this world, there would be more money in people's pockets.

People are avoiding buying cars because they're spending it on cupcakes for their dogs. So why do they have to buy cars? Because it stimulates the economy, Dickhead. So does this. It doesn't. How does it not? It's buying something. It's just going into the pockets of wealthy dipshits in Wisconsin

who are making shampoo out of Dead Sea minerals. Not like the dipshits that own like Ford and GM that are just doing all altruism, right? Hey man, I got a bunch of friends in Michigan who like to have a word with you. We're out of jobs. Good hard working Americans. Out of manufacturing jobs

because everyone's lost their fucking minds and they're making fucking dog biscuits and pancakes for fucking. that would be happy eating shit out of a gutter. Dogs don't know shit from sushi, dude. We're wasting all this money on them. Yeah? Yeah, that we could solve hunger with.

Biggest problem in the universe, dog food. Gourmet dog food. I think it's bigger than AIDS. I think it's bigger than hunger. We could ship all this gourmet dog food overseas, I guess. It never goes bad. Right? Oh, is that offensive?

No. That I want to cure hunger by letting people eat gourmet food? Yeah, a little bit. You know what? It is offensive. If I would come out, like, out to the UN and say, everybody, I got it figured out. I got all the dog food companies to donate 20 barges of dog food. I'm going to send it all over to Africa and Asia, hunger solved.

I think I would get lynched. Yeah, I think so, too. For saying that. I think so, too. That's really, um... You know, you know what, though, Dick? On that note, I walked into a pet co one time, and I saw all this fancy fucking dog food. It looked like cookies.

It looked so good. I started salivating. It looked really good. It's dog food. It looked like a chocolate chip cook because I wanted to eat one. So I go up to the lady when I'm buying. I forget what I'm buying. I think it was like a lizard or something.

And I went up to a lady. How old were you? This was like a year ago, a couple years ago. So I went up to lady and I said... I thought it was like 12 or 13. No. No, this is really recent. I went up to the lady when I was checking out and I said,

hey, have you ever tried the dog food? And she goes, no. I said, come on. She goes, yeah. I knew it. Because it looks too good. And I asked her, how does it taste? It tastes like a really, really dull, plain, like sugarless biscuit.

Yeah. It doesn't taste like a cupcake. Exactly. So why are we spending all this fucking time, energy, and resources on this? You know, we could probably have solved nuclear fusion if it weren't for gourmet dog food. With all that time and energy and resources we're spending? Scientists are working around the clock dick to find new and fascinating ways to make dog food look more like human food. Yeah. They're also working pretty hard on Dark Souls 3.

So are you going to trade? Are you going to stop? Are you going to throw that away? If you have to throw away the gourmet dog food, just seems a little arbitrary to me. That you don't like their thing, but you want to keep your thing. This isn't even a joke. I think I'm getting hives because of this episode. All right, Dick, what was your problem this week? My problems this week was Sean deleted the podcast. Sean, can that not happen again? I promise nothing.

Yeah, good answer, buddy. Unbelievable. And my problem this week was gourmet dog food, the real problem. No, my problem was hunger. Yeah, what? Oh, yeah, you had two problems. Yeah, had two problems. Sean deleted the podcast.

Sean deleted the podcast. And hunger. And then mine was gourmet dog food. And guys, don't forget to vote on these problems. We have the live show coming up on December 19th. We're going to record that. Put it online for people who can't attend. If you're a pedophile, go to verped.org.

Don't forget to vote again and thanks for listening. Thanks guys.