The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 32

Episode Date: May 11, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe. I'm Maddox with me is Dick Masterson. Hey, what's up, buddy, how's it going? And Sean, our audio engineer, assholes. Sean, what could you possibly be referring to? I don't know. I don't know. Well, let's... What a week. We had a great week.

Do you want to talk about the week first or do you want to talk about the voting? Dick, let's talk about the week first. Let's talk about the week first. It was very exciting. We recorded our first ever live, The Biggest Problem in the Universe show at YouTube Studios in Los Angeles, and the turnout was incredible. Excellent turnout. Which, thank you to everybody who came out.

You guys were awesome. You're welcome. And, well, I did come out. Yeah, you did. And we had a 100% turnout rate. Everybody who RSVPed, and then we had a few extras as well, which is unheard of.

Usually when people are SVP to things, they flake. Yeah. And they did not for our show. Yeah. They showed up on time, they left on time, and then a few stuck around for drinks afterwards.

In fact, the only problem, The problem with the audience was that Maddox was going to give them all t-shirts to thank them for coming, except he left all of the t-shirts at his house before we went to the studio to tape. So everybody got nothing. Yeah, there's a big stack of them to your right, Dick. They're right over there. Yeah, well, you know, that gives people an incentive to come to the next show and me an incentive to bring them. So we'll see if I remember.

Look, it was an awesome show. We didn't know how it was going to go when we went into it. it? Well, you did, of course. It was a new format, and I think the people at YouTube had their minds blown, quite honestly. Like, I'm speaking frankly, that's not hyperbole. I received a lot of compliments from really jaded people, and that's the best, those are the best type of people to receive compliments from. If they're really jaded, they've seen it all, they've done it all. There were other productions in the space that whole week, that whole month, and they said ours ran, the smoothest by far. We actually wrapped on time. We said 4 p.m. out, and we finish at 4 p.m.,

which is another thing that's fucking unheard of. We're a well-oiled machine, baby. We nailed it. And it was awesome. Yeah, and the show's coming live. We're going to be posting the show on the website. We're not sure if we're going to do it in lieu of a regular episode, probably in addition to the regular episode. Yeah, I don't know.

Because it's a video format. And the guests were incredible. This was an awesome, awesome show all around. You guys are going to love it. So probably look for that the first or second week of January. Probably the second. We got to edit it. I can't wait to do that.

And I'm going to say, I'm going to call it now. I think there. There's going to be something controversial in this show. Yeah, I'm not going to say what I think it's going to be. I'm just going to say right now. We're going to get more into it as we approach the live show, but there's something controversial about it. Yeah.

Speaking of controversial, Dick, last week, Hunger, One. It didn't win, but it was the one with the most votes. Oh, okay. Yeah. I'm tired of explaining that. Can I have a minute? Yeah. I don't want to, you know, I usually play my song.

Yeah. But I don't want to do that this time. I want to play a totally different song. Great. Because it's Christmas Awesome We wish you We wish you a Maddox loss must

We wish you a Maddox lost mass What does that mean? I don't know Because it's problems were done Let's hope that Sean Won't delete it again Yeah, thanks not That's right Maddox Lasmas

And Dick won again A bunch of horse shit That fucking song was Happy Maddox Lostimus. Yeah. That doesn't make... What does that even mean?

Lostimus? I don't know, dude. It's Christmas. Yeah. Thanks. We're real in the spirit, Dick. This is what I get. This is what I get instead of gifts for my friends.

Nothing. Which is coincidentally what you're getting. And then followed by audio engineers deleting podcasts. Dick, your impromptu problem that you brought in last week really scored well. The second highest problem. Sean, do you have any comments on that problem? Look, I held off... I held off Dick's impending cirrhosis at least another day.

All right, you're welcome. And then followed by gourmet dog food, which scored in the negatives. Good, because it wasn't a problem. You don't think, you guys don't think it's a problem. No. So, Dick, I actually... Wait a minute, I have more... I didn't want to bring up the Sean thing, but I have a bunch of comments on it since he was...

Yeah, no, I just want to read him real quick. Yeah. Jay McDonald, hearing that Sean deleted the podcast was one of the funniest things I've heard on this show so far, and this show is hilarious every week. All right, that's compliment. David Lugo, also the title on the website should read new episodes every Tuesday unless Sean deletes them. Craig Cunningham, at least all the people asking for Sean to bring in a problem got their wish. Ribonita Stankevicious.

I don't understand how the podcast was lost. Deleted files go into the recycle bin or trash unless you press Shift Delete and then a bunch of other technical stuff. Not when you delete them directly from Pro Tools. And I'm not talking about the timeline. So that's what happened. Because everyone was asking. Yeah, because Pro Tools doesn't have some kind of delete buffer. If you do a permanent delete.

I'll tell you really quickly how I did it. Okay. I pulled the tracks into a mix session. I have different mixed templates I use because things are routed and certain compressors and EQs and all that shit are there. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, pulled them into the timeline, got up for a second, thought that they were still the old ones

because what happens is that the session saves every audio file. So you get this gargantuan session. So I don't need the old ones because I already mixed down. I have all the tracks elsewhere. So I highlighted them. I hit delete like you would. That doesn't delete them. Then I know two keyboard shortcuts that no keyboard shortcuts that no engineer in his right mind should know.

And it's select unused and delete on use. Don't tell them. We don't want to spread this poison. Other audio engineers. That's what I did. And in three seconds, they were gone. Oh, man. You know, that person who said that they were asking for Sean to bring in a problem,

technically Sean didn't bring in a problem Sean was the problem so Sean we still want you to bring in a problem at some point in the future when your crazy schedule dies down Well this one isn't you know In the box yet so

This is a last comment And I don't want to bring it up again after everything Kenny X-styles says Dick I don't know if there's a support group For audio engineers who delete audio files Nor do I think one should exist One fuck up for 31 episodes It's pretty acceptable

Considering Maddox's Dick versus Dick's segment proves how much of a flaky contradicting ass clown you can be. I should have read that one first. You're getting close to more fuckups than Bush, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I think the point is it is definitely not acceptable to delete one out of 31 podcasts. And I don't want you, I know you agree with that, Sean. I don't want it to seem like that's like you think it's acceptable to do that, right? No.

And I've never done it with anything important, so. You guys, okay, fuck you, Sean. This is bullshit. Okay, guys, we've browbeat Sean enough here. I want to go back to the problems, Dick, that everybody apparently thought that gourmet dog food wasn't a problem. It's not. Dick, I have a new segment based on his comment that you said last episode. Let's hear this new segment.

Dick, it's full of shit. Yeah, cool. What a drag. What is truth? What is fiction? Dick doesn't know. A little long, I think. Dick.

Oh, I don't know Dick. Did you mean to do that? Dick doesn't know Dick? Okay, that's good. And you're full of shit. How come all of my produced segments sound like they have other people and sound professional? And all of yours just are you. Because I just make them, Dick.

I don't pay other people just make segments for me. I just fucking do them. So that's the new segment. It's called Dick's full of shit. And you remember Dick, I don't know if you remember the last episode. You said this about gourmet dog food and regular dog food. Here's what you said. Okay.

What do you mean, Dick? What do you mean they're feeding them other pets? That's what dog. Dog food is other dogs. You can splurge and not have to know that you're feeding your dog other euthanized dogs. Okay. Yeah, that's true. No, it's not true.

It's absolutely fucking not true because I have a study from the FDA. FDA actually did this study because a lot of people were believing this urban legend like you, apparently. Okay. So the FDA did the study. They said in order to determine if you were complaining that Panto Barbital was found in pet food, right? Which is something that they used to euthanize pets in pet stores. And that's how you concluded that they were feeding dogs, other dogs. Well, that logical progression is false. But yeah, I will agree with both of those things. There's there is euthanized dogs in dog food. There's roadkill in dog food. And there is phenol barbitol in dog food. Okay, well, you're wrong. They checked for Afino Barbital, it's actually Pentobarbital, in pet food, and they found that it's down to two parts per billion of pentobarbital in dried dog food.

So there is. That's less than what you find in our water supply. There's also dead animals in our water supply. What do you mean? So it is there? Two parts per billion, Dick, that's non-existent. That's residue that you'd find anywhere else. You could find, that's like finding cyanide in apple seeds.

Yeah, it exists, but it's a non-issue. It's non-existent. And here's another thing about the ground-up dogs. Wait, are you done with that part? No, no, hold on. Let me get through this real quick. They said all samples from the most recent dog food survey that tested positive for pentobarbital

as well as a subset of samples that tested negative were examined for the presence of remains derived from dogs or cats. Okay. The results demonstrated a complete absence of material that would have been derived from euthanized dogs or cats. In dry dog food? Yeah. Complete absence there.

You know, man, it sure sounds like you got me. Yeah. Doesn't it? It does. Looks like I'm a little out of my league here, doesn't it? Uh-huh. Einhorn, good work. Yeah.

Except for this one small thing. One little detail you might have failed to miss. Maddox, do you know what an appendix is? I don't mean the one in your body. Okay, sure. I mean, like, in the case of a study. Yes, I'm a published author. Right.

At the bottom, they have a little thing called an appendix. innocuous little word, right? But sometimes, if you want to be thorough with studies, you have to click on it. You have to follow up with things and see how they made this study. Sure. You know, what questions did they ask to find if people were more concerned about their own food or their pets' food? When they research dog food, for example, where did they get this food? They got it.

What kind of a sampling was made of food to get these results? It's interesting that you bring in that study because I happen to have the appendix. with me. Okay. Let me read from the top. Let's hear it. It's not often that you see an entire sentence in capital letters on a government website, but this one happens to be.

From the appendix of that study, in all caps, these results need to be understood within the following context. Sampling was non-representative. Samples were purchased from retail outlets in the Laurel-Madison area only. Dry dog foods with certain animal-derived ingredients were sampled. This selection pattern. meant that the samples were not representative of dog food nationally or even locally. Well, how is it possible that it's not representative of dog food locally if they took a sample from the local supply?

It says specifically this means this study is invalid to draw conclusions on dog food nationally or locally. Dick, it's obviously not because they derived conclusions from them and they published them in the FDA. They don't, the FDA is not in the business of publishing studies on non-data. They published studies on the data, and I looked into it. However, the FDA also says this about this study. Yeah. The concentration of pentobarbital, if present in any U.S. pet food, may be different than the findings of these surveyed. These results apply only to the specific lots analyzed.

Why would they say this study means nothing? Because, Dick, they didn't say this study means nothing because they publish it. If the study meant nothing, they wouldn't have published it. What they said, Dick, is that they're scientists. They're trying not to mislead people. They're trying to just explain that, yes, this isn't a national sample. But what, do you think that food, dog food suppliers, like very wildly all across the country? Some of them do euthanized pets and some of them don't?

Yes. No, Dick, because here's where the majority of dog and cat food comes from. It's rendered animals that we eat, cattle and chickens and pork, the pieces that we don't eat, the stuff that they usually put in hot dogs. It's mostly that. It's mostly that. It's mostly the 50% of the cow that. that it's illegal to feed humans. Right.

That's what dog food is. It's not that it's illegal. It is absolutely illegal to feed those parts to people. What parts? Half of the cow. I don't fucking know. I'm not a farmer. If you own a cow, you can eat as much or as little of it as you want.

You can't sell it to people to eat, though, you dickhead. Of course, you can eat it yourself. Name one cattle part that you can't buy in a butcher store. Tell me one cattle part that they won't sell you. You can serve it to people and say, this is meat. You can do whatever you want with it. You can take hoofs and make a broth out of it if you want. And you have to say this was made out of hooves.

Yeah. You can't say here's a meat slurry. It's not fucking illegal. No. It is totally illegal, you shithead. Yes, it is. No, it isn't. It's illegal to take an entire cow, put it in a blender, and then say, this is a hamburger.

You have to take the meat off the cow to do that. You can explain what's in it, and the consumer has the choice to buy. You can't mislead them. No, it's not illegal. According to what, side of law, dickhead, you're full of shit. I'm calling you on it. I'm not going to pretend to cite a law. You can look it up.

There's a slate article that has the whole. whole thing of serving euthanized dogs as pet food. I read that article and not a single source. Hey Dick, did you check the appendix for that article? No, I'll answer that for you because it doesn't exist. I read that exact same article. Maddox, you can't get these people on anything.

They don't have to say if it's for pet food that it's euthanized pets. That's the point. It's not a law. They don't have to say anything. But where are the pets going then? Of course they're going into the food. No, they have tons and tons of dead pets. What are they going to do? Just eat it as a loss? No, they're going to feed it to your fucking dog.

No, they incinerate a lot of them, Dick. Why? Why would they do that when they can just sell it? Because they don't put dogs into dog food. That's an urban legend. And this study, if you were so busy reading the appendix, you miss this little detail. Because the sensitivity of this method, they tested a 0.005% on a weight-by-weight basis. That is, the method can detect a minimum of five pounds of rendered remains in 50 tons of finished feed.

Presently, it is assumed that the pentobarbital residues that are entering pet foods from euthanized, rendered cattle, or even horses. That's where it's coming from, not from fucking dogs. You're full of shit dick, and I called you on it. I made my point. You said things. Yeah. I'm not sure you made a point. I made my point.

The shit dog food is full of charcoal and ash at a minimum. I think would you agree with that? No evidence. Maddox, they're not putting it on the label because it's bad for business. There is no laws requiring them to put this shit on the label so they don't. Well, then why would the FDA test this stuff, Dick? I don't know. I don't know why they would do that.

It's the food and drug administration. Why would they test it at all? Because of urban legend idiots like you. You guys are worried about doctors. The FDA goes around proving urban legends wrong. Hey, the government went out having to prove truthers wrong on 9-11. Why didn't they DNA test the fucking Trout of Turin then? A lot of people think that's a religious relic.

Because that doesn't affect public health. But the FDA, the government went out and tested truth or claims about 9-11 because there was enough of them. And same thing here. Same thing they tested. They said, okay, let's placate these idiots. Let's get a bag of dog food and just test it. Full of shit. Look, I, okay, that's full of shit.

So you think it's totally ridiculous that a corporation is going to say, oh, it's illegal for me to process all these carcasses into food, but it's not illegal to ship them out of state and do it and then ship them back in. and I don't have to tell anyone I did it. Yeah, I'm going to do it. That's how they work. Yeah, well, Dick, the entire study, if you had, if you had read the entire study. I read that entire study.

The guy sent it to both of us. Yeah, and did you read the part where it says that they found even trace amounts of pentobarbital in dog food actually extended their lives? Did you read that part? That has nothing to do with what we're talking about. Your case last time was that this shit was unhealthy and... Of course it's unhealthy.

Dick, let me just read you this. Fine, let me just read you this. You're saying it's not unhealthy to eat garbage? Dick, obviously not. If they did a test and they found that the dogs are living longer. And Dick, by the way, that's... That's... That's... That's... That's... That's... ...theid dog's garbage makes them live longer? Why don't you eat it then, Maddox? Start eating fucking dog food. We do. You don't care about expensive steaks or cheap steaks. Just start eating handfuls of pedigree, you motherfucker. Yeah, guess what? And it'll be full of dogs, apparently, you're making bachelor chow. Here's the thing. It's not full of dogs. It's not entirely dogs. They're just in there. That's the level of quality you're getting in that food.

It's mostly shit from slaughterhouses that they can't feed humans because it's illegal. Well, it's not dogs. It's not dogs and cats. They're in there. No, they're not. They're in there. Dick, here's the problem with your argument, okay? You said that this is, this sample is not representative.

However, nonetheless, it is a sample of one. They did at least one test. You have zero tests where they have found dog food in dog food or dogs in dog food. That's zero versus one. I win. How much did they find in there? None? None.

So they took a little piece of kibble, a non-representative piece of kibble in what they spliced it for fucking DNA after it was mulched. The sensitivity is 0.005%. So less than 5 pounds for 50 tons of feet. There may be five pounds for 50 tons, that means there's zero pets in there. Five pounds for 50 tons? I don't know. Yeah, you don't know. That's why the segment's called Dick's full of shit. Well, you didn't prove that. Dick, let's get to the problems. No, no, no, no, we're not, I've got voicemails, man. All right. There you go.

Let's get off of this dog shit. Oh, my God. Hey, Derek. Hey, Maddox. This is Dave from Texas calling. And first off, I'd like to say that actually, yeah, Sean deleting the podcast is the biggest problem in the universe. Because if he keeps fucking up and deleting a podcast, how are we going to know what the problems are? How are we going to ever find out what is the biggest problem in the universe?

That's true. Well, aside from it being Sean deleting the podcast, that's it. I'm amazed that you didn't mention that, you know, all these people buying gourmet dog food, all this horseshit. All it is is stupid assholes buying a narrative. People go on trying to always quote me. I have a roommate would say,

hey, you know, feeding a dog regular food, it's basically like ramen. These foods are all just filled with, you know, wheat and grains. Dogs don't need that. Have you ever looked at the ingredients on this shit? What do they put in there instead of, oh, wheat, fucking potato.

This goes right with your problem of French fries being a problem. So you're a stupid asshole for not figuring that out. These dumb shit back show insane that, oh, we don't want to feed our dogs, weat. So instead they cram potatoes down their stupid mutts throat. Fuck dogs. Well, no, fuck those people.

Dogs are okay. Also, Dick, go fuck yourself. Oh, right, I've had enough of that today. Yeah, yeah. Let's see, here's a guy that agrees with you. Dick, pets are not members of your family. members of your family cannot have replacements purchased. When your mother dies, you don't go up and buy a new old fraud.

Maddox. Are you serious? Dick's complaining about people going to bed hungry, and you're complaining about not being able to buy pizza after you snack on nuts. Not even close to the same thing, buddy. Yeah, I was really hungry after that episode. It was a big problem. Yeah.

Hi, this is Pete from West Virginia. I know it was quite a while ago, but when Maddox brought in the problem of dogs, his reasoning was complete bullshit. Okay. Because you don't own a dog for companionship or to love it. You own a dog, so if somebody breaks into your house, they get their fucking throat torn out.

Yeah, it's true. Yeah, with all these poodles everyone else. I love the show, guys. Keep doing what you do it. Cornies and poodles. I've got shitsos. I do have a voicemail from a vet tech who says, I'm right about them putting dogs in dog food, but I think we've talked about it enough. Yeah, I mean, that's fine. If you want to cite one vet tech versus the veterinary,

the veterinary organization that the FDA polled for the testing methods, sure. So the fact that it says not representative means nothing to you. Dick, it's not representative of a national study because they're scientists and not trying to mislead people. I'll cite, I'll cede you that point. However, they found zero pets in pet food. You have zero evidence. You have not a single study, a single inkling, except for the shitty slate article, which I read that cited zero studies. I looked everywhere for that dick. I wanted to know, are they really grinding up dogs and dog food?

Of course, fucking not. It's cut cattle, pork, and chicken. It's just pieces that we wouldn't eat. That's what dogs eat. It's not illegal for us to eat. It's not illegal, Dick. It totally is. It's cite one law.

What's the law? Maddox, I'm not a pretend internet lawyer like you. I don't have these made-up laws in my head. And yet you're sure of it. I'm not sure of it. I'm saying L.A. County ships out 200 tons of animal carcasses out of the state every year or every month. Why? Why are they doing that? Well, we might them on fire in the desert. Okay. Ship them out. Then the same looking truck brings back in a bunch of animal feed. Well, I guess somebody figured it out. Dick, you know what they do with a lot of animals,

what? Animal carcasses is they render them into coagulants. They render them into things that we use into in asphalt and plastics and rubbers and things like that. That could be another use for these animals, not grinding them up and feeding them to more pets. Oh, God, I'm sick of this. All right. Can we get some problems? Let's get to the problems. What's your first problem? My first problem is Christmas presents for guys.

Okay, why is that a problem? Because it's a... Buying Christmas presents for guys is a huge fucking problem. Yeah. And it doesn't need to be. What specifically is a problem with it? It's impossible. Oh, it's difficult.

Yeah. I got the Christmas shopping for my mom and my sister done in about 10 minutes. Yeah. No problem. Because women don't care. You just get them something. They appreciate that you spent money on them, and it's done. Jobs done.

It's like the exact opposite with me. What do you mean? Women are the hardest to buy things for. Why, what do you buy them? I don't know. I still haven't figured it out. Every woman I've ever bought in anything has hated it. No, you, well, what are some things that you've bought women?

A lizard. Perfume, I bought DVD, yeah, right? Let me tell you why that's bad. I know why it's bad. I heard it. I got an earful. What was it? Oh, it's not my scent.

It's too strong. It's this, blah, blah, blah. Even if I... It's very personal. Yeah, but I go to the perfume store with them, and I see them pick something out and they sniff it and they know, oh, this smells really good. Hmm, okay, maybe I'll buy this sometime. They'll put it down on the shelf and I'll remember that, right?

And I'll go back there to buy the exact same perfume and they'll never fucking use it. A dress that they pick up and they look at and they're like, oh, it's too expensive. I'll go buy that dress. You won't ever wear it. You've got a dress and they hated the dress? The one... Yeah, a dress that they pre-selected. my ex-girlfriend, I bought her a fucking expensive-ass dress, gave it to her, that she pre-selected.

She didn't have the money on hand. I went back when she wasn't around and bought her this dress, and she fucking never wore it once. Well, that doesn't mean she hated it. Well, you should start taking her to an expensive steakhouse and she'll put it on. Was she pissed off about it? She put the pounds on. She wasn't pissed off about it, but she seemed... Oh, okay, thanks.

No, because that's... I'll tell you the secret of buying gifts for women then. What is it? You buy them... Well, this is what I always do. I buy them clothes from a place that I know they want to shop at with 100% certainty that they're going to take them back. Okay.

So it's like just giving them cash and saying go shopping, except that's tacky. It just leaves me empty, man. So you think it's harder to buy for guys than girls? Well, at least women are very appreciative of what you bought them. Dick, I have had it completely... No, my mom is the worst. Every single gift I've ever given my mom, even cash. She's complained about the cash that it was not...

enough. And then, yeah. Well, how much was it? A dollar 50? It was a hundred bucks. I'm like, here you go, mom. Here's a fucking cash full, envelope full of cash. Take it.

Shove it up your ass. And she didn't, she didn't appreciate it. It was not enough. Oh, just $100. Oh, she said, I gave birth to you. This is all I'm worth. I'm like, Mom, it's a fucking $100. What do you want, man?

It's $100. Just take it. Shut up and take it. And I bought her, like, some fucking expensive forks and knives. Hated it. Okay, wait a minute. I'm keeping track of all these presents. That's a shitty present.

Works and knives for mom. What? It's silverware? How old were you? I was like 18 at the time. Yeah. Next time, just buy her a vacuum. Have you ever bought a woman a vacuum?

An appliance? No. Yes, I have bought a woman in a appliance. A toaster oven. She wanted it. She said she wanted a toaster. Did you buy her a matching dress and say this is the dishwasher? No, dude.

I bought her a toaster oven because she wanted a toaster, and I thought, what's better than a toaster? A toaster oven. You can heat up non-bread in them, Pop-Tarts, you can make mini-p pizzas. They're fucking great, and she hated it. Okay, here's the move on that one, though.

You've got to give it to both of you. You can give that as a present, but you have to say this is something I got for both of us. You can't say it's for her. Well, she was disappointed as shit, buddy. Well, yeah, because you built up her expectations. Yeah, well, she wanted a cat, and I gave her the box about the size of a cat.

and it didn't have any holes in it. Obviously, she's not a fucking cat, unless cats can hold their breaths for a really long time. It was a toaster. It was the big item that she wanted a toaster. Oh, that sucks. I bought another girl a long time ago as a present, and this was such fucking bullshit.

Still, again, my ex. It was a trip to, I believe it was like New Orleans or something like that. You know, pretty nice gift, right? Well, again, for both of us. Did you get her that in lieu of a president? That was the present. So you got it instead of like a physical thing. Like you just gave her a vacation.

Is that not a present? Yeah, you can't do that. Am I living in a different fucking weird universe where trips no longer count as presents? It's not a present. I wouldn't be surprised that I'm not surprised that you're getting that reaction. I want to cut myself right now. I'm so mad. This is such bullshit.

How is that not a present? That's the best present. Because it's an experience. Like the present is something that you get right now. In the present. Not in the future. I'm sorry. gift isn't something you can return to the store with a gift receipt. I'm sorry, my, my gift

to you is a life experience. Oh, please, accept my apology for changing your life for the better. I don't know if a trip with you is a change in life for the better. You can't easily fix that by getting her like something to wear while you were there, though. I did. That was where I gave her the expensive dress. That was where you gave it to her in there? You gave it to her on the trip? Was it New Orleans? It was not New Orleans. It was another place. It was another country. I thought you said. Sorry, Did you give it to her at home, or did you, did you give it to her right then the dress, or did you give it to her on the vacation? On the vacation, on Christmas Day. Oh, wow.

Yeah, and nothing. Nothing was my response. Not even a thank you. Well, oh, thanks. Okay. Huh. Great. That's rough.

I know. That's why I stopped buying people gifts. It's always fucking tragedy with me. Tragedy. I bought my mom a clock one time because she, her bathroom, I found this clock that perfectly matched her bathroom, the same color and everything, which is really hard to match because her. bathroom's this weird color of like light green whatever so I bought her this clock and she gave it and I gave it to her with a card with this little pop-up card of this dog where you don't you open it up and it's like number one mom is you and it points it points at her she goes what is this a dick

dog you got your mom a Christmas card that featured a dog paper dog whatever I don't think that's like something a mom wants though my mom was offended by it she said it was a phallic gesture and then and then she said what's the what's the meaning of this clock are you trying are you waiting until I die, is that what this is? Are you counting the minutes until I die? I'm like, no, fucking no, mom. Of course not. I mean, if I, no, shut up. Are you sure you're Armenian and not Italian or Greek? Yeah, it's been tragic. The earliest I can remember disappointing a woman with a gift is when I was eight years old. I went outside my street and I noticed in the street there was all

this gold powder and I thought, wow, this is neat. Oh, from the reflectors? Like when they paint the reflectors? Yeah, yeah, I remember. I remember that. I remember carefully scooping it up on a piece of paper and then putting it in a Coke bottle, and it was this Coke bottle full of silver, like gold-colored powder.

That was really precious to me. And I remember, I think it was Mother's Day or her birthday came around, and I thought, you know what, I'm going to give my mom this gift of gold powder. That's all I have. Glitter. Yeah.

It's not glitter. It's gold powder. It looks really cool. Okay. And so I thought, this is my gift to my mom. And I gave it to her, and she goes, what is this, dirt? And she poured it out.

and just threw the Coke bottle away. I'm an eight-year-old. What the fuck do I have to give? I got her this thing that was precious to me, and she threw it away. Yeah, your dad's supposed to help you out at eight. Your dad's supposed to take you to the store and then buy some whatever jewelry or something and then give it to the mom from you. Yeah, he doesn't give a shade.

He just got her ice cream or something. I don't know, man. Ice cream. Yeah. Somehow I knew this would be a good problem. Well, you just, you've got to get girls like, throwaway gifts. Like just clothes that are, like, no statements. No, you don't want to get them furniture. You don't want something permanent that fucks with their decor. Yeah. You understand,

you know what I mean? Yeah. Just something that, something that they can wear once, maybe, and not think about. Yeah. Or never. They can wear never and not think about and just stuff it in the closet. It's a $140 reminder of a destroyed, of a destroyed relationship. How about that? Fucking gifts are the worst, man. I just had gifts for guys here. We could change it to Christmas presents in general. Yeah. I wouldn't mind that. Okay, Dick.

Well, so what's harder than what this nightmare scenario I've described? Well, I guess I just have an easy time buying presents for women. And they all love them. They're all appreciative. Maybe you just have better women in your life. That's definitely true without this Christmas present shit. Because your mom and your sister are great. Yeah.

Some of your exes, maybe not. But, like, your mom and your... They all like their presents, though. Then they're fucking, they got a leg up on my, my ex. Fucking worth, worthless. Yeah, but for my, for my dad and my brother-in-law, I have no idea what to get them. It is, the clock's ticking. I get, it's like T-minus with 24 hours or something like that now.

And more so than that, I don't think guys really care. You know, the utility of giving a guy a present is much, much lower than it is giving a woman in your life a present. To me, that is true for my dad. dad has never cared about a gift ever. If I gave my dad anything, he was so appreciative. If I gave him a mug, if I gave him a screwdriver, if I gave him a band saw blade, anything, he would be happy with it. If I gave him a hammer, he'd be happy with it. He didn't give a shit. He loved tools. I just got him some tools and that was end of it. I'd go to the store 50 bucks later. I'm home. Shopping is done. I don't even have to wrap it. My dad, he says, hey, what's that

screwdriver doing on the table? And I say, happy birthday dad, Merry Christmas, whatever. He goes, Okay, thanks. That's it. Yeah, that's perfect. Problem solved. And I'd rather just not even do that. Like, even when I get asked for, what do you want, what do you want for Christmas? I'm like, I honestly don't know.

Guys are so easy. Video games, always, period. End of story, done. Omaha stakes, video games. Yeah, great. Blowjob, awesome. Rum, a porno mag, awesome. I'm happy.

Yeah. Okay. Well, that's my problem. Good problem, Dick. Do you want to just make a Christmas presents? Sure. Because your argument is a lot more passionate than mine. Yeah, sorry, I didn't mean to hijack that.

I didn't know I was opening a nuclear can of worms. Yeah, speaking of opening a nuclear can of worms, my problem this week, Dick, is Sony. Oh, very good. Yeah, very timely, I guess. So, you know, everyone is expecting me to talk about the Sony hack, which I will, I'll get to it. But I want to talk about why Sony is a problem.

Because I've hated Sony for a long, long time. Okay, a long time ago, you remember Sony got hacked? This isn't the first time Sony's been hacked. Back in, I believe it was like 20. 2009, 2010. Yeah, and they looked stupid as hell in that attack. Yeah. Like all the passwords were playing text,

and they had like encryption keys all over the place. Right. So here, let me give you a little bit of background. Sony, when they released the PlayStation 3, the first generation, the PlayStation 3 had this feature that allowed you to install any operating system you wanted to, like a secondary operating system. It allowed you to run homebrew apps. Like if you wanted to develop a game for the Sony PlayStation,

you could do that through installing another. operating system. It was also backwards compatible with certain PlayStation 2 games, et cetera, et cetera, right? So that's the system I purchased when the Sony PlayStation 3 first came out. Okay. Then, partway through the PS3's life,

Sony decided to do an about-face and released a firmware update that took away all these features. Yeah. All the features of you can make your own stupid games on your own system? Well, the features of being able to play a PlayStation 2 game on my PlayStation 3, which was a big selling point for me. Okay. Right. Yeah.

That's bad. So I said, no, fuck you, and it pissed everyone off because you're taking away features that we paid for. Sure. Go fuck yourself. You can't take away something I bought. And that's effectively what they did. So I have here an article from Daily Tech. It says, the effort to jailbreak the PS3 was born out of Sony's decision to ditch Linux support with the release of the PS3 slim in August of 2009.

Sony has since locked fat PS3s out of the new installs of Linux as well via a system update. So there's this guy named Geohot. He was a kick-ass hacker. I think he's the guy who wrote the original iPhone jailbreak. Right. Or at least one of them. And he... So this article says,

Geo Hot has offered to stop distributing the keys. Okay, so he wrote this hack for the Sony PlayStation 3 to be able to revert it back to what it was. So you could play PlayStation 2 games on it. Yeah, or run homebrew or whatever you wanted to. Okay. Which is a very small subset of Sony fans. These are...

Yeah. you know, less than 1%. Doesn't matter. That's how you sold the product. Right, that's how they sold the product. So Sony got pissed off at him and threatened to sue him, and GeoHot said, look, he's going to offer to stop distributing the keys if Sony provides a means to install homebrew and third-party software on the PlayStation 3. He has also offered to work as a consultant for Sony or other major console makers,

Microsoft and Nintendo, in safeguarding their next-generation consoles from jail breaks. Hell of a resume. That's a hell of a resume. And a very nice offer by this. hacker, right? Sure. Sony sued Geohot. Great.

That was their response. Yeah, that was their response. So, GeoHot doubled down because he's just a fucking kid. He doesn't give a shit. He has nothing that... Sony's not going to sue this kid for anything. They're fucking bullies.

So he made this rap song as a response to the Sony lawsuit. This is kind of funny. Listen to this. Yo, it's GeoHot. And for those that don't know, I'm getting sued by Sony. Let's take us out.

Out of the courtroom and into the streets I'm a beast at the least you'll face me in the northeast Uh, get my eye up light my fire I'll go harder than Eminem one at Mariah Call me a liar, pound me in the ass and the loop chafin You're fucking with the dude who got the piece of your safe ban Is he a rapper or he just did that for fun? He just did that for fun and he was a big fuck you to Sony

Cause he said go ahead, sue me idiots What are you gonna sue me for you, morons? I'm a kid Hey I know all about writing songs as a fuck you You do dick You and I both actually you're still getting yours. So the response to this Sony HAT

lawsuit was that Anonymous attacked Sony and took down PSN for a month. I remember that. About a month. Yeah, it was funny. Guess how much it cost Sony? $171 million. Take that, you fucking morons. You idiots. You bullies. You dipshits.

You guys are going to take away features from us. You're going to piss off a small group of hackers and then they're going to cost you $171 million. Did they learn the lesson? Dick, a fucking course not. Of course they didn't. Did anyone get fired for that, CEOs or anything? I'm sure not. I'm sure they didn't.

Sony, yeah, these are just, it's just a string of bad decisions. I'm not sure. Yeah. I would guess that they didn't, because Sony is a company that their number one product is bad decisions, their number two product is a Sony PlayStation. So, do you remember this product called BLEAM, Dick? You know what BLEM is? Yeah, it was like an emulator for the Dreamcast.

Correct. It was an emulator, not. just for the Dreamcast, but for also PC. It was an emulator that someone wrote that would allow you to play Sony PlayStation games on Dreamcast and PC and so on. Okay. So the guy who wrote Bleem was taken to court by Sony, and time and time again, this is from Wikipedia,

it says, ultimately, BLEM won in court and a protective order was issued to protect David from Goliath. Sony lost on all counts, including BLEM's use of screenshots of PlayStation games on its packaging. The court noted that Bleem's, The team's use of copyrighted screenshots was considered fair use and should be allowed to continue.

So the courts decided in favor of this emulation company because what they were doing is they were creating a product that not only emulated the Sony PlayStation, but it made their games look better. That sounds cool. Yeah, really cool. I would think they'd be for that because I thought video game hardware was like a sunk cost. Like you lose money on the hardware and then you make it back on the games. Right. So if you can get somebody else to write the emulator, then you're still making money on games, right? Yeah.

Well, I don't know. No, that's true, that's true, Dick. So this was back in 2001 from the Register. There's an article in the register. They said that BLEM won the support of the court, beating a temporary injunction against sales of its emulator, and later defeating Sony's demand to ban the sale of the emulator permanently. So you know how Sony decided to attack them, how to get around the courts?

Here's what Sony did. The emulation company claimed that the Japanese giant's U.S. operation had initiated a dirty tricks policy, which, in part, involved attempting to have Bleam, thrown out in their May 1999 E3 show. So Sony tried to get these guys thrown out of E3, and then BLEM accused Sony of threatening retailers with much reduced PlayStation 2 hardware and software allocations

if they stocked any of BLEM's offerings. So Sony went to retailers and they said, hey, you know what, we lost in court, we know that. But if you guys carry this product, you're not going to carry our product. Well, yeah, that's what you do. Yeah, bullying. Sure.

They got around the courts. They, the guy, the right, look, the justice won. Uh-huh. But Sony won over justice. Yeah, I guess I don't have a, I don't have such a big problem with that. Did that end up costing them money? Sony, no, of course not. They just buried this small business owner.

This guy who's like just trying to make a living, making emulators. They should have bought them out. Yeah, they should have bought them out. They'd have been nicer, I guess. That would have been the nice thing to do, Dick. You buy, this guy's a pain in your ass. You hire him and you say, hey, we like your product. Why don't you work for us?

Instead, they try to sue and do dirty tricks and get you thrown out of E3, doing it the dirty way, the illegal way, the back doorway. I don't think that's a good idea with the internet is the way it is, where everybody knows everything. Yeah. And people are, there's a lot of vigilantes out there that can cause your business significant harm. Right. I don't think it's a good idea to do that. That's all I'm saying. What, to hire your enemies? No, to attack, to attack them like they're doing, litigiously.

Well, they did. They're very litigious company. Fast forward to today when Sony got hacked. Yes. Right? Now we're talking. Now let's talk about this. So Sony got hacked and it's since come out that it's probably North Korea. But you know what Sony started doing against file-sharing companies?

They started doing a denial of service attack against them. To get all their emails from getting torrented? Yeah. Yeah. They got to do that. That's illegal, dick. Okay. That's a fact.

Unlike your horse shit argument about, cowhoves being sold to humans. Wait a minute, I actually know some pretend internet lawyer stuff about this. If you're preventing a bigger crime, you can get off committing a crime. That's true. Yeah, that's...

Yes, you can. That's a real thing. I don't know what it's called, but if you perpetrated a crime while trying to stop a greater crime from getting committed, you can get off with that. Well, it depends.

If it's in the case of national security, yes. But if you were, say, for example, wiretapping, your ex-wife because you think that she's trying to extort money out of you. That's true. You might be able to prove that in court, but they also might be able to throw that out and say, well, you just violated federal wiretapping laws.

We're not going to count that as admissible evidence. Or we're going to also prosecute you for wiretapping. All I'm saying is they're protecting a lot of people. Like, those emails getting out, as funny as they are, as much as I want to read them, it's pretty damaging to a lot of people's lives. Like people we know social security numbers are in there. Yeah, I have friends.

direct deposit. Right. We have friends who work for Sony. It's a really shitty thing. And what really pisses me off, our guest that we had on the show early on, I think episode seven or eight, Ryan Holiday wrote this excellent piece

talking about how there's no gray area about publishing these emails. It's wrong to do that because this is just stolen property. And the same people who were attacking the Jennifer Lawrence nude leaks are celebrating the Sony hacks. One stolen data is more. more valuable than another, just because it's nudity,

and we're giving so much power to the sexuality and nudity in this country. Yeah. It's funny, though. What? All the Adam Saylor stuff, like all the, all the Sony emails about Adam Saylor. Sure, but Dick, who doesn't have incriminating shit? Like, everybody has something that they wouldn't want released. If your email got hacked.

Oh, God, yeah. Oh, my God. I would just jump right. I would steer my car directly into a fucking wall of my email. I'm not even going to say it. Me, me too, except it would be kids. You know, Aaron Sorkin, he wrote an article for New York Times about the yellow journalism that's going on here. Yeah.

This is a really good quote. He says, the co-editor-in-chief of Variety tells us that he decided that the leaks were to use his word, newsworthy. I'm dying to ask him what part of the studio's post-production notes on Cameron Crow's new project is newsworthy. So newsworthy that it's worth carrying out the wishes of people who've said that they're going to murder families who have so. far done everything they've threatened to do. Newsworthy. As the character Enigo Montoya said in The Princess Bride, I do not think it means what you think it means. So much for ever getting a good review from Variety again, and so much for our national outrage over the national security agency reading our stuff. It turns out that some of us have no problem with it at all.

We just vacated that argument. I read that. Yeah. You're talking about. It makes a good point. So as much as I hate Sony, the people who are publishing their hacked and stolen emails are are supporting the terrorists, these dickhead hackers from North Korea or whatever, they're supporting them. Who newspapers? The media is? Yeah, the yellow, and they're calling it journalism. They're lauding it like they're doing some courageous thing.

That they uncovered, they unearth this information. They didn't do shit. This fell on their laps and it's stolen data. How are they allowed to profiteer from this? Are you asking? Yeah, I'm actually asking, yeah. I have no idea. I don't know what the law is there.

I'm not a... Well, you're just... taking stolen content and profiteering from it. And these journalists could do one iota of work and find out and verify whether or not these emails came from a reliable source. Right now, anyone can publish anything and say, hey, I just found it in the Sony hacked email. They're not doing any research. They're not doing their due diligence. They're not picking up the phone and calling the president of Sony and asking her if she really wrote these emails. And of course, she's going to deny it if they did. Yeah. So this isn't journalism. We're just profiteering. This is just theater.

Well, this isn't Sony, though, either. What? This isn't Sony. This isn't Sony's fault. Is it? Do you think that hack? Do you think that they beefed up security after the first hacks? Like, do you think that they did anything after that to prevent this one? No, I don't think so. I heard a guy, there was some rep from Sony on the finance channel this morning who said that experts said this would have happened to 90% of companies. Yeah, probably. Well, isn't that a lot? Like, isn't there a lot left? You're in the top 10% of companies, the size of Sony? You're having to, you're having to. You're half. You're having to. You're half. You're about being as good as 10% of everyone else out there, that's not very good. No, that's not good at all. And it's true, actually. You know, the companies I've worked out in the past, some of the companies had atrocious security measures. Yeah.

You could just FTP and grab everything you wanted to. Passwords are very predictable. This is a big problem all across the board. But Sony, okay, they're the victims here. I actually have to defend Sony, which I hate to do because I hate the company. but I have to defend them, their victims, by being hacked. And we're not, we don't have the right to know what's in those emails. Sure.

Yeah. However, Sony, again, legendaryly known for making bad decisions, decided to count out to the demands of these terrorists. Well, yeah. Why? You mean, why did they pull the interview? Why are you supporting this? Are you agreeing with a decision?

Are you talking about the interview? I don't know where you're going next, but you're talking about how they pulled the interview, right? They pulled the interview. Yeah. Because, number one, then whatever poorly translated message that came out with the last round of hacks

said we're going to kill people in theaters if this movie's shown, right? Right. Remember that? Yeah. Then the next thing happened was all the theaters, the big theater chain, said, yeah, well, we're not showing the movie then because Christmas Day is a huge theater draw, and people in the middle of the country think

that they're going to get killed going to a movie, so we're not playing the interview. Okay. you, Sony. Sure. So Sony said, yeah, okay, I don't know what the saying is for it, but the fight's basically over. We're not showing it then. You just cut our legs out from under it.

We're not going to look like shitheads here endangering people's lives if all of our distributors already said they're not going to do it. We're not going to do it. That's the logical progression of what happened. But more importantly than that, this is a company. It's not their job to stand up to terrorists. No, it's not their job, Dick. Their job is to what?

Just worry about their bottom line. Make movies and video games. They don't have any resources to stand up to terrorism. They're still fucking red-blooded Americans, Dick. And like every fucking red-blooded Japanese, you mean? No, they're not. Sony Entertainment Pictures, SPE, or Sony Pictures Entertainment is an American company. Regardless of whether or not the parent company is Japanese,

these are still Americans who are fucking cowtowing to terrorists and hurting our country. You sound like Obama. He came out and said he was disappointed in them for what they did. Yeah, Dick. That's fucking stupid. No, it's not. Because here's the thing. When I first heard about this hack and I thought, okay, well, Sony's pulling the picture,

I thought, well, maybe Sony has some inside information that we don't. Maybe they have been contacted by the State Department, and the State Department said, hey, these threats are credible. Let's not push it here. And Sony, if they had released the movie and if there were a terrorist attack, they would have looked like greedy assholes, right? So I thought maybe Sony was working out of self-interest here, and they have every right to do so. However, when Obama

came out and criticized them, and I have the quote here, it says, President Barack Obama in an end-of-year press speech commented on the Sony hacking and stated that he felt Sony made a mistake in pulling the film and expressed that producers should not get into a pattern where you're intimidated by these acts,

and I couldn't agree more. No, that... Well, first of all, I'm annoyed that Obama said that. Well, as the leader of the United States, you're annoyed... As the leader of the United States, it's your job to protect us and our businesses from terrorist attacks. Right.

It's, it's, you're, now you're telling me how I'm recovering from a terrorist attack? Fuck you. Do your job and protect us. Don't tell, don't moralize to me about how I'm protecting my employees. Dick, you want Obama to go in and change their passwords for them? How would you like them to, him to protect Sony from hackers? How would you like him to do that? Just explain that to me.

Uh, how politics works with, I don't know, deploy, well, I guess that depends on whether or not you think this is an act of war. Potentially, but here's the thing, Dick. When you were saying that Sony pulled these, you know, distributors didn't want to carry the movie, therefore Sony just canceled it. That's not true. Not all distributors did. In fact, in Texas.

Not all of them, of course, but a shitload of them. Enough to make it no longer viable as a market, as a money-making opportunity. Well, it is. Enough to make a big enough deal so that they would pull it and not look like assholes. Dick, they're cowards. Because the Alamo draft house, the Alamo draft house in Texas wanted to air this film, and Sony wouldn't even distribute it to them.

them. These are people who are saying, bring it on, we're not afraid of these fucking terrorist attacks, these terrorist threats. We're going to air it in spite of them. I love it. So, Sony wouldn't send it to them. A guy that burns the Koran, which is an expression, his form of expression, everybody called him a fucking idiot. Obama called him a fucking idiot because he was tempting fate. However, Sony pulls a movie because there's terrorist attacks, and now Obama calls him a coward and everybody calls him a coward. What's the fucking difference? The difference is, Dick, that these are actual threats that are coming in from someone else. guy who's burning the Quran is just trying to incite something. He's just being a dickhead.

Look, if we're being attacked by Islam and they're coming to us and saying, hey, we want to do X, Y, Z, and we're going to commit all these terrorist attacks on this and this date, and then we cowtow and say, well, we better not burn, burn Korans, then you're a coward. But if you're trying to incite something that's totally different, this is a threat that's coming from North Korea, and Sony said, okay, please don't attack us. Here, what else do you want us to do? Where does it end, Dick? If Sony, if Sony kowtows to North Korea, they kowtowed to North Korea, they count out to North Korea here, and what's stopping anyone else from saying, hey, we're going to make this terrorist attack, we're going to make that terrorist attack? Where does it end? Do you just change your entire fucking life because of terrorist attacks? I mean, I think it's easy for you to say and moralize here against Sony that they should like man up and stand up to terrorism. But for that to be like a reasonable thing, for that to be pragmatic in the real world where they're just completely vulnerable to it is fucking retarded. To expect Sony to do.

nut up and stand up to terrorists when they don't have, A, an army to back it up with? Except the U.S. Army. They don't. Where's the fuck is the U.S. Army then? We're protecting them just by being in, by virtue of the fact that they're in America, they're protected by the U.S. Army, yes. They can't protect us from cybervandals who destroy our ability to make money. Where's the protection there?

No, dick. No, if they were shipping cargo around the world and a North Korean sub sunk one of them, what's the difference? Do you think there's any difference between them, hacking a database and destroying a film, a multi-multimillion dollar film, versus physically attacking a cargo ship and sinking it. Yes, absolutely.

What's the difference? If they're both a massive loss of money and a direct hit to a company, like to an American organization, what's the difference? Because bullets can't stop code, Dick. You can't shoot hackers, hackers intruding your network. It's just entirely in some cloud somewhere. You can't stop that with bullets and missiles.

But you can with cargo ships that are sunk by submarines. That's the difference. But if Sony's actually worried about repercussions, physical repercussions, why aren't they allowing people who want to air it, myself included, I'll fucking screen the film. I'll have a big, I'll rent a theater in Los Angeles. I'll fill up that theater full of people. I'll fill it. I'll show a screening of the interview.

I don't give a shit. Go and bomb me, yeah. And if they say they're going to hurt some people, if you do that, you're still going to do it? Of course. Well, that's on you, man. Because as soon as you give into their threats, dick, that you always have to give into their threats. What does that mean?

These anti-terrorist slogans just sound pretty, but they don't mean anything. It means you stick your ground and you stand up for your convictions. That's what it means. And you might have to die for it sometimes. You don't be a pussy. You might have to die for it? That's what you're thinking when you're going to work? You're going to Sony.

You're building a company that's a media company and you're thinking about dying for your principles? Where the fuck does that fit in this America? Because people died for your ability to go to work safely, Dick. Those people died in the past. That's not true. They died to protect your right to be separate from the government, to be liberated under the government, and it's not to be tyrannized by the government.

That's what they died for. Yeah, libertarian argument here, here we go. It's the first thing in the fucking Constitution, the right to pursue happiness, the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Is Sony allowed to do this now? No, because no one's protecting them. So Sony was denied their right and liberty

to their pursuit of their happiness, and you're okay with it. Of course I'm not okay with it. Well, then what's the response, Dick? You think Sony did the right thing? Yeah. It's not, first of all, it's not appropriate for me to say whether or not they did the right thing. They did the thing that they thought would be best for their shareholders. Maybe.

That's all there is to it. Well, it's not a private company's responsibility to stand up to terrorists. It's all our responsibility. Oh, God. That's so jingoist. That's such hoarse. Says the Bush lover here. And then what do they give?

for it, they're getting attacked and what happens, Obama comes out and shits on him more. He should? What the hell does, why? Because next time this happens, Dick, if this happens to Coles or Home Depot or someone comes across and say, hey, man, we don't like this product that you're selling. What if it's Greenpeace, Dick? And they come to Home Depot and they say,

hey, you guys are chopping down too much lumber. We're going to blow up one of your stores if you keep doing it. And then Home Depot, what's Home Depot supposed to do? Just like, fold up, close up their doors and fold up shop and say, hey, I guess where we have a terrorist attack, we better close up. We should always give into terrorist demands? Is that what we do? Is that what we are as Americans? Is that what we

what we are as free people? It's not as not as black and white as giving into terrorist demands. That's what this is, Dick. They just gave right in like a bunch of pussies. They got gave, they gave in when they got hacked. They were already attacked. It's over. Yeah. There's nothing more to give in. Well, they did. No, it wasn't over because apparently... The product was ruined. It was destroyed. It's not destroyed if people still want to watch it, Dick. But there's nowhere for them to watch it. Of course there is. All the theaters shut down. I'll rent a theater. Oh yes. Sony's going to make 55 million bucks back based on your theater in the middle of L.A. during Christmas. I don't give enough people in L.A. during Christmas.

I don't give a shit what Sony makes back. This isn't about Sony anymore. It's about principal. Then you've lost me entirely. Making principal decisions as a company is fucking stupid. Okay. All right, Dick. What's your, that's my problem. We'll leave it up to the voting here. Well, if we're leaving it up to voting, then I will say this. Sony brought us the Walkman. Yes. That was pretty good. Okay, so you're defending Sony because we have the Walkman.

Well, I don't see what, so they're litigious. That's your entire problem with them. They're very litigious. And they don't stand up to terrorists? They're bullies. They are litigious and they're cowards. That's what Sony is. They have a track record of bad decisions.

If they had simply just placated some of these hackers in the first place, the ones that they screwed over with their bad decision when they originally got attacked when PSN went down, They wouldn't have lost $171 million and inconvenienced millions of their own customers. But this is a company that has a track record of bad decisions, and it's not ending here. They're still making bad decisions. Their executives that make bad decisions. So they should placate criminals as long as it agrees with your ideology, you're saying.

No, they didn't, those criminals didn't exist until they created them. Sony, as a backlash to Sony's theft of our property, we bought something that they took away from us. That's theft, dick. So we responded, hey, weren't you just defending? that you can return in kind. If someone's breaking the law, then you're allowed to break the law? No, I'm saying, I thought I know a law where if they're committing a greater... I was trying to say if someone is doing something that's very illegal,

you're allowed to do something slightly illegal to stop them. That's not my belief. That's part of the legal system. Maybe. I don't know about that. Just a point of fact. That's the only reason I brought it up. So anyway, these hackers were responding to Sony's theft

by simply trying to release this DMC key. And by the way, they didn't attack Sony. until after Sony tried to sue Geohot. Yeah. That's when they doubled down, they said, no, fuck you, Sony. And now these cowards are cowtowing to terrorists. Yeah, I really take issue with that,

with how they're being portrayed by the government, and by you. Which one do you take issue with more? Me or the government? No, the government. I don't really care. Because I know you hate Sony. You're probably thrilled that they made this decision

so you can hate on them more. Dick, I would love nothing more than for Sony to just go the fuck away and start being a normal. company, just give us a product that we want. Stop fucking us over every chance you get. Yeah. And you know what? Do you have a PS4? Do I have a PS4? Yeah. No, but I'll probably get one. It's the lesser of two evils right now and I love video games more than I hate Sony, so I have no choice. Buddy, we're at an hour right now. I don't know if we have time for this one, but my next problem

isn't going to make any sense after this week anyway. Let's hear it. Do you have time? Do you have another problem too? I do. Should we do a lightning round? You know what? Let's do a lightning round. Let's try to wrap this in another 20. We can do this. 10 each. Let's do it. My next problem is the whole virgin birth thing. Okay. Okay, Dick. What exactly, what does that mean? You know, Jesus. Yeah, I know Jesus. Jesus was like born from a virgin.

Yeah. Can we drop that part of it? It's part of a religion. Yeah, but a lot of stuff is part of this religion that's getting tossed, you know? Like the whole Noah's Ark thing? That's not, like, like, Like, that's not a real part of it, is it? There are people who believe that. They believe that the Noah's Ark crashed on this mountain in Armenia, actually, called Mount Ararat. Come on with that.

That's what they say, man. Look, it's their beliefs. What's your problem? Look, I think we got to, because, hold on, let me think of my problem with it. Okay. Look, look, what do you have written down on that? You just have, like, scribbled. You just have, like, doodles of a guy with a beard.

What is that? Are you drawing Jesus over there? No, no, no, no, no. Look, look, I like, I don't have, my beefs with Christianity aren't so big. Okay, I don't have that many beefs with Christianity. Okay. And I think we got a Pope now who's letting a lot of things pass the goalie, right? Cool Pope.

Like he came out and said, like, hey, being gay ain't that bad. Yeah. Right? Yeah. And that blows some people completely out of it, but while he's saying it, they're like, oh, okay, I guess so. I guess I'm kind of being an asshole. He said, like, Jesus wouldn't judge gay people or something like that. He said that, yeah, and he said something along the last.

lines of we shouldn't worry so much about condomuse and gays and, uh, and, uh, and abortion and all these things. He said, we should, we should, what we should worry about are the things that Jesus taught us, which is compassion for the poor and taking care of people who are sick and that sort of thing, which is the, the prophecy, the, the philosophy of Jesus Christ. However, uh, it's been corrupted by the, uh, this, this weird, um, deep Southern Baptist, like, I don't know what the, what the sect of religion. Yeah, yeah, I don't know about it. I just, I, I, I like, I like it. I wanted to keep going. Like if we're going to put religions up as teams, then I think to be viable for like the 21st century moving forward, we got to just drop all the magic stuff. Like the

virgin birth thing, Noah's Ark stuff, right? No. It's fundamental to the religion. I have here, I look this, I forget the source of this website, but they said denying a physical connection between Mary and Jesus would imply that Jesus was not truly human, right? So Jesus was not born in sin. That's a fundamental tenet of Catholicism. Yeah, but do you think people going to church today aren't thinking anything about that? Come on. I don't know, man.

When's the last time you went to church? No, they don't give a shit about that. Yeah, well, he said, so they say here that he had no sin, he had no sin nature. It would seem that sin nature is passed down from generation to generation through the father,

and the virgin birth circumvented the transmission of the sin nature and allowed the eternal God to become a perfect man. So that's what the, that's Christian doctrine, essentially. They're saying that Jesus, This was a perfect man who had no sin. That's why it's special. It's important to them.

Why do you want to get rid of that today? What do you mean them? Christians. I'm not going to speak for all Christians. Okay. I'm just saying I think it's a little outdated. A little outdated. Come on, let's spice it up.

We're letting gays in now. They should come out. Look, we got so many gay guys in here. It's a fucking gay club in church. Come on out. Send everybody out. Yeah. Noah's Ark.

I don't know. We don't even talk about it anymore. That stuff's weird. Can you explain how exactly it's a problem, though, Dick? They're saying dogs are going to heaven now? Did you read that? Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

To the big combine in the sky where they mulch them up into dog food, huh? Yeah. They do. Yeah. About two tons worth of dogs. It's a problem because I would prefer the message to be. Here we go. I would prefer it to be, hey guys, we're all happy that you're here.

But if you hear stuff like this, if you hear magicy stuff like this, it's not, it didn't, it's not true. It's just be on the lookout Because people are going to try to sell you stuff Based on magic Well sure, Dick But the fundamental difference between science and religion Is that religion can't be proven It is faith-based

You have to believe in something And if it's magic, if it's supernatural If it's that Jesus had powers to walk on water And heal the sick by touch That's the part of the religion That is incompatible with science. There is no proof. What are you talking about though?

Do we need that stuff too? Get rid of all that stuff too. Well, I mean, you know, different religions have different degrees of that magic mysticism, right? Yeah. So what's your problem with it? I mean, as long as people aren't using that to kill people, sure. Yeah, I tried to look up, like, how fast the religions were growing. Right.

Which one was beating which one? Oh, I think Islam's number one, right? Yeah. Yeah. By how much, do you know? No. Because they all said they were the fastest growing. Of course, yeah.

It's like, what's the fastest growing religion? The Google results were like, oh, Scientology, oh, Islam. Mormon. Yeah, Mormons are right on top. For years, I remember growing up my whole life, Mormons were the fastest growing religion in the world. But they're not. They're not. No.

No. Yeah, so, okay. But there's a lot of Christians. All I'm saying is, let's just, can we just drop that part of it? How would it help anyone to drop that part of it, Dick? I don't know, it'd make everyone chill out a little more. Yeah. I think.

Don't you think? You get that feeling? Yeah, you know, let's maybe just make Christmas lights gray. Why don't we just make Christmas lights gray? Get rid of Santa. You have a problem with people believing Jesus was born for. from a virgin, you don't have any problem with Santa Claus? I don't think that many people actually believe in Santa Claus.

Oh, yeah, I got... That's a big difference. Yeah, you're not in touch with the spirit of Christmas, buddy. What's your next problem? What's your last problem? My last problem, Dick. This is a big one, actually. This may be the biggest problem in the universe. Ugly sweater parties. You get invited to a lot of those? Ugly Christmas sweater parties. Yeah, man, all the time.

Which, by the way, I got to thank Randy Kean, a big fan, being a long-time fan for suggesting this problem. And we actually owe dead to him. Yeah, Randy, Randy's in the studio today. He's a quiet guy, so he doesn't have a mic. But he's actually, he played a major role in getting this podcast started. Yeah, when we recorded the original six episodes, we kind of shelved them and didn't do anything with them. And then Randy kept bugging me to send him some of the old episodes.

And he loved them, so he got the fire under our ass to start this up again. So thank you, Randy. Is this episode everything you thought it would be when you were bugging us to do this, talking about Sony and Virgin Births and what was my other one? You, uh, that's, no, you had, uh, virgin births. And getting, oh, I guess Christmas presents in general was the problem now. This is the best Christmas present ever. And yeah, uh, this would be better than if we healed somebody in crutches.

Listen to this, dick. Ugly, do we need that? Ugly, well, I got to slip it in. Ugly Christmas sweater parties. Now, there's no such thing as a Christmas sweater. Have you noticed that? Uh, they no longer exist. Those may have existed in the past, before the 90s, when people were still sincere and wore things like sweaters around Christmas for some purpose other than to be a condescending hipster douchebag.

The last time someone wore a Christmas sweater without it being an inside joke was the first Bush administration. Who exactly are you making fun of with your ugly Christmas sweater parties, huh, Dickhead? Midwestern housewives? Good job. Way to make a statement against your grandma with your shitty Christmas party. ugly sweater party has become a parody of itself, right? These things are no longer, they're no longer a self-contained unit. It's become a parody. It's a pissing contest to find the most lame sweater you can get. These sweaters used to be cheap because nobody wanted them, right? That's why

they were ugly sweaters. Now they're expensive because everyone wants them. They want the ugliest sweater they can find. The uglier it is, the more expensive it is. That's not true, though. No, it's absolutely true. You can get shitty sweater. at Walmart for like three bucks at pop. My whole family did our Christmas portrait with ugly sweaters. Yeah, but everything's cheap at Walmart, but if you try to find...

Okay, so you can or can't find them there. You definitely can. No, but you're not going to find... The uglier they are, the more expensive they are. The ones that they sell at Walmart are mass-produced. Yeah. So you want, like, you're talking about like a custom-made quality

ugly sweater. Exactly. Custom, yeah, okay. Which, by the way, Dick, if you go to Amazon right now, literally just type in Christmas sweaters, you will find nothing but ugly Christmas sweaters. And they're called ugly Christmas sweaters because that's all they manufacture anymore.

Are these a thing anymore? Do they... What's the style? Well, yeah, it used to be. I don't think it's as aggressive as you're making it. Like, they're not shitting on their grandma's sweaters. They're just kind of like cutting loose. No, everybody's standing around with their red solo cups

swishing around their fucking Jack Daniels and they're looking at each other in the eyes and with a wink and a nod, saying, hey, look how ironic and funny we're being. Aren't we so hilarious and cute making fun of the Midwest? No, fuckhead. But nobody wears these sweaters anymore. Maybe your grandma did.

You're making fun of your grandma. I don't know if they're thinking that. These people aren't like these 80s bad guys from like a shitty skating movie. Like, oh, out here, we rollerblade, we don't use skates. They're just like, it's fun to wear something ugly every once in a while. Why specifically ugly Christmas sweaters? Because you don't have to worry about what you look like. It's a big relief for some people, I think.

It's something they're doing together. It's fun to do together. No, no. You didn't listen to the question. specifically ugly Christmas sweaters, because you could do that anytime. Hey, guys, we're having an ugly clothes party, just wear something ugly. That's different than ugly Christmas sweater. Ugly Christmas sweater is something very specific

that comes from a very specific part of America, the Midwest. I don't know if that's true. Well, of course it's true. The people in San Diego aren't wearing Christmas sweaters because it's fucking hot. They specifically wear ugly Christmas sweaters as a parody of something that people used to do in the Midwest. Nobody wears these anymore. Nobody makes them anymore. You don't mean the Midwest.

like northern states and northern countries where it's cold, not specifically the Midwest. Correct, yeah. Everything looked ugly in the 80s and 90s. Like all styles look ugly when you look back at them. Well, no, I wouldn't say that it's necessarily ugly. It's just anachronistic. It's no longer relevant.

Yeah, and they all looked weird because Christmas sweaters are so specific is usually something that was made for you or purchased for you. Right, but they weren't so over-the-top ugly. They were maybe just a reindeer pattern, or a snowman pattern. They were kind of goofy and fun. Now they're being obnoxiously ugly, intentionally ugly.

Oh, so what? It's fun. Great. Everything's fun, dick. Get a dog. Feed it gourmet dog food. It's fun. Why not?

Fuck it. It's fun. Fucking cowtow to terrorists. It's fun. You know, on Amazon, they sell an ugly Christmas sweater kit. Men's make your own ugly Christmas sweater. And then urban outfitters,

Hot Topic. If you just search for a Christmas sweater, all you can find are ugly Christmas sweaters. And they call them ugly Christmas sweater. by name. You can't buy a non-ugly Christmas sweater. Yeah, what the fuck's the problem? Why can't... Dick, if you wanted to go out and buy a Christmas sweater, say you're a sincere person. I know this is really hard for you. It's a stretch for you to be sincere.

But imagine putting yourself in the mindset of someone who's sincere who just wants to buy a Christmas sweater. Right. You go to the store and you want to buy a Christmas sweater. Oh, lo and behold, it's all this tacky bullshit with reindeer's and flashing lights and god-awful color schemes and everything. They don't, you can't, it's a product that no longer exists because of ugly Christmas sweater parties. So you're fighting for all the people who want to just wear a Christmas sweater in peace? Yeah. Is this you? Do you want to go to Nordstroms and pick up like just a normal Christmas sweater

with plaid, like red and green plaid? You know, Dick? Yes, actually. And I'll tell you why. I'll tell you why it's a problem. Because for the last two years, and I think I may have time to do it this year too, I've done a Christmas special for my YouTube channel. And last year was a case for the Grinch. And when I went out to buy a sweater for this episode, because I didn't want to buy an ugly Christmas sweater because I wasn't going to one of these horseshit parties, I just wanted a Christmas sweater that evoked the spirit of Christmas

without it also being a parody of Christmas. I just wanted to evoke that spirit, right? Something genuine. It was so fucking hard, just finding a sweater, a normal sweater that looked like it could be a Christmas sweater, but also not a fucking ridiculous statement about Grandma. Where'd you go?

I went to a vintage thrift store Actually, a bunch of them It was really hard to find Seems like a breeding ground for like hipsters A vintage thrift store in Hollywood Well, I was looking for specifically a sweater From like the 90s before ugly Christmas sweater parties took over Because you can't find them anymore

They don't like them Were there not ugly Christmas sweaters in the 90s? Of course, man Look at Christmas movies before the 90s People wore Christmas sweaters And they just look like red and green And they had bells on them or snowflakes They weren't necessarily obnoxiously ugly.

They weren't abrasive and caustic to your aesthetic. They were just kind of goofy Christmas sweaters. Like, who cares? You know what I want to see? I want to see if ugly Christmas sweater parties is a bigger problem than the whole virgin birth thing. Yeah. Well, I guess that'll be one for the vote

to figure out which is the biggest problem in the universe, Dick. You guys vote on these to figure out which is the bigger problem so we can figure out which one's the biggest. Is that it? Do you have anything else for that? Because we're out of time. Yeah, that's my whole. You know, I just feel deflated.

I know you guys are going to fucking vote this down along with Sony. You guys are just playing me. It's fun. It's fun to, like, wear an ugly Christmas sweater. You hate fun things sometimes. I love fun things, dick. Like what? Like video games. I like video.

Video games are fun. I like dogs. I do like dogs. I just don't want to own one because I don't want to carry dog shit around. Sean has a dog. Sean has a great dog. I love its dog. I just don't want to carry a shit.

Sean, nothing personal. don't want to carry a big steamy sex. You're tired of getting shit on for hating dogs. You're tired of getting shit on for hating dogs. I'm tired of stepping in dog shit. Oh, right. I'm tired of dogs biting me. I'm tired of people treating dogs like family.

They treat dogs better than they treat me. Well, yeah. Consistently. You know, your dog is better than people you don't know, to you. People know me. You know, they still treat me bad. My mom. With their gifts, I can't ever please anyone.

Okay, that's it, man. That's my. So my problems this week were Sony and ugly Christmas sweater parties. My problems are, I guess, Christmas presents. I'm not going to just be getting guys' Christmas presents now, right? Because you have, apparently you have the opposite problem, getting Christmas presents for women. Yeah, got your reason. Dude, if I got you a video game for Christmas, would you be disappointed or upset?

No. Of course not. And if I got you a dress and a two-person nice vacation to someone. Would you be upset by that? Well, with half of it, yeah. Yeah, okay. Yeah, but the vacation, man, I'll take a vacation any day. Anyway, guys, stay tuned for the live show coming up

at the first or second week of January. It's super exciting. Vote on these problems on the website. Thanks for listening. Hey, guys, my name is Jay, and I'm a social worker from Western Canada. I get paid all right for what I do, but because of where I live and what I do get paid, it's tough to always see the balanced and healthy diet. there are days where I have tuna,

ramen noodles, frozen vegetables, and to kind of keep myself in budget. If someone I'm talking to ever gloats about feeding their fucking dog, a four-star meal, it includes fresh fucking salmon, I can assure you the conversation will abruptly end because I figure it's probably hard to talk after you get punched in the throat.

Furthermore, while visiting my friend today, I asked his dog if he felted his diet was sufficient, and he began a licking saddle. I guess his diet must be fine then. Thanks, guys. Great, great voicemail. Here's a vet tech who agrees with you. Hey, Maddox, hey Dick.

My name's Lily, and I've been a vet tech for almost seven years now. And I was calling about the gourmet dog food problem that Maddox brought in. I've got to agree with Maddox that high-end dog food is really all for the owner's peace of mind. Makes them feel good about themselves. They brag about it every single time they come into the hospital. Like, oh, my dog gets premium. You know, salmon or safe or whatever. I said.

You know, it has a lot of veggies and stuff like that. I mean, dogs that are out in the wild eating green beans and shit. I mean, side note, they don't use other dogs in dog food. Usually it's meat byproducts that people don't want for the lower end stuff anyways. Anyways, Dick, go fuck yourself. Just kidding. I'll help you with that anytime. Love you guys.

You're hilarious. Keep up the good work. Bye. Bye. Wow. Oh, merry. Merry Christmas. I'll help you jerk off.

I'll take it. Help you fuck off. I can help you, too, Dick. I'm done. I'm done with voicemails.