The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 33

Episode Date: May 11, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe. I'm Maddox. With me is Dick Masterson. Hey, what's that, buddy? How's it going? And Sean, our audio engineer. Gentlemen. Thank you, Sean.

Thank you for not deleting this one. That's two in a row. Two in a row, Dick. Are we not done with this yet? No, we're done. I'm serious. I think we shouldn't talk about it anymore. Okay.

Okay. Dick, that's a very loaded statement of yours. I don't believe that at all. One day they're going to be like, hey, whatever happened to that guy? Well, he deleted a podcast. And then he killed himself. I was, when I first heard that you deleted the podcast, I know I don't want to bring it up anymore, but I just have to say this.

Like Dr. Phil, right? All right, calm down. When I first saw your text saying, uh-oh, I deleted the podcast, I should read your text. I should read the text. I mean, when I first saw that, I was like, you know, I'm pissed, but this is the funniest thing that could happen. Like, part of me was really excited that it happened because it's the kind of thing where you make fun of your friend for the rest of their life. Yeah, Dick. And when I got the text from you when you said bad news,

I didn't even have to read the finish, I didn't even have to finish the text. I knew it was that. I knew it was that. I knew it. There's nothing else that could be. I knew it was that. Anyway. Hey, wait, I got something to say. Good news. The live show is currently being backed up right now as we speak.

Can't be deleted. We've got three backups of that guy. And we're starting to edit it. It's coming along great. Dick, I think we're going to potentially, I think we're going to try to find a way to release this to the people who've subscribed first. maybe a week early or something like that. Everyone will eventually get to see it,

but just as a special thank you to those people, I think we're going to look into releasing that to the subscribers first, right? That would be awesome. I don't know how we're going to do that, but that would be awesome. It might be too much of a logistical cluster fuck, and maybe not. But Dick, let's move on.

Let's look at the problems from last week. Okay. The number one ranking problem from last week was Sony. Everyone agreed with me, and disagreed with you, most of all, Sony disagreed with you, Dick, because since that episode, they released the interview. Yeah.

Yeah. So, didn't they make the smartest move that they possibly could have made? No. Like, they said, yeah, we're not going to do something that might endanger people. Sorry, we're not going to release this movie that's probably dog shit, by the way.

I haven't seen it. But do you honestly think that movie could possibly be good with those guys? Yeah, Dick. Probably not. It was hyped up too much. Yeah. Here's the thing.

But wait, wait, wait, no, no, I'm not done. So they said, we don't have any distribution. So sorry. All the sudden, because of this hype, Google, Amazon, all these gigantic distribution powerhouses come out of the woodwork to release this movie on Christmas Day or the day before Christmas or whatever. And suddenly, everybody thinks that it's an expression

of being an American to watch a shitty comedy movie. This is the smartest. thing they possibly could have done. Dick, you are backtracking now, because here's the thing, they had the exact same distribution that they have now. It's the independent theaters who wanted to release this. Remember I mentioned the Alamo Draft House in Texas? No, the online stuff. The online stuff is new. Online is different. Look, online is not a theater. Look, they always had that online distribution. People like me who say, fuck, North Korea, we're going to air it and watch it anyway. But the online distribution is not the subject. It's the independent theaters that they

wouldn't even release two. I think that was an afterthought. I think the getting attention for Google play and like whatever, what services ended up airing that movie? A lot of online services that would never air it normally. Ron, no, YouTube is airing all sorts of movies. The same day releases? You can't go see the expendables three online versus in the theater the day it comes out, can you? That's not a thing in our world. It was. There was one movie. There was one director who did that a while back. Right. I think it was the goon. It came out simultaneously on theaters and on TV. But I'm saying, I think they made the smartest. By the way, let me say this.

Because we didn't get into this last week because the argument was about, well, it was a whole other thing. I don't think North Korea did this. Yeah, a lot of people don't think North Korea did this, which is, again, Dick, you kept saying that you kept coming down on Obama for attacking this, calling them cowards, rightly so. But it's not Sony's job, Dick, it's not Sony's job to protect me or anyone else from. terrorism. Their job is to make and release movies. And that's the United States's job to protect its citizens. You do what you do, you know, life liberty and pursuit of happiness, Dick, which was actually from the Declaration of Independence, not the Constitution. You look like you're, oh, fuck off. Everyone, these fucking assholes in the cut. You say one wrong thing. Oh, one wrong thing.

Oh, by the way, by the way. Oh, one wrong thing, Dick, because you had an entire cabal, you had so many things last episode. Listen to this. I have, I don't even know if this is Dick versus Dick. I was going to say I have a cavalcade of mistakes? No, I didn't. I didn't. I caught my side. But I don't know if this is Dick versus Dick, or if it's Dick is full of shit. I don't even know what segment to play, so I'm going to go ahead and play this one.

Dick is full of shit. Yeah. Yeah. Cool, man. Yeah. What a drag. What is truth. Yeah, who knows?

What is fiction? Not Dick. Dick. How? Does it know. I hope you get. sued for this song. I hope you didn't acquire the rights for that dude.

That would hurt the show. That's what you would do. Dick, listen to the, listen to the sheer number of non-factual statements you said last episode with no evidence at all. This better not be about dog food. I'm sick of talking about dog food. So my buddy. But here's this one.

Listen to this. You can't get these people on anything. They don't have to say if it's for pet food that it's euthanized pets. That's the point. It's not a law. They don't have to say anything. Oh, it's not a law, Dick. Because actually it is.

The Federal Food, Drug, and Cosmetic Act does require that pet foods, like human foods, be safe to eat, produced under sanitary conditions, contain no harmful substances, and be truthfully labeled. Additionally, canned pet food must be processed in conformance with low acid canned food regulations, Title 21, Code of the Federal Regulations Part 113, abbreviated as 21 CFR 113. There you go, dickhead. It is a fucking law. So what did you read that out of like internet law books? It's from the FDA.gov.

Here's the thing though, Maddox. Look, look, look, I'm not a farmer, okay? I'm not a farmer and I don't make pet food. Yeah. But just because they say you have to make dog food like this doesn't mean they're doing it. Oh, you're not a farmer? Because here's this one. It is absolutely illegal to feed those parts to people.

What parts? Half of the cow. I don't fucking know. You? You? Farmer? Again, I'm consistent. This isn't a dick, again, I'm not a farmer.

Yeah, but the important part of that statement is I don't fucking know. So if you're bringing in these statements, these outrageous statements like they're facts, but you don't fucking know, you have no evidence, not a single shred of evidence. Hold on, though, hold on, I do. There is evidence of the president of, like, the dog food association on YouTube joking about there being pets and dog food. Joking? Well, he's saying it, but he's like being, he's like talking about the process,

and he throws in, yeah, you know, there might be a, there might be a family pet in there too. That's a joke, Dick. Why would he say it then? I don't know, Dick, so maybe gullible, conspiracy theorists go with their chemtrails online and start writing on forts. Let's start with the 50% of a cow, okay? You butcher a cow. Hold the fuck, all right?

You excited fuck, just chill out. Go on, go on. You have a cow, right? You cut all the meats and stuff off of it, right? There's stuff remaining that you don't feed to people. You can, but you don't. There's some parts that you can. but usually you just don't.

Yeah, you can't feed a fucking spinal cord to people. You can do anything you want with any part of the cattle. If you want to take the spinal cord and put it in a broth and melt it down, if you cook something long enough, it will be melted down and consumable. The shit in the bowels, are you allowed to feed that to people? I don't think you are. Look, if you cannot mislead people, you cannot mislabel them. And Dick, here's what you said about that last episode, too.

Again, no evidence. It totally is. Cite one law. I don't have these made-up laws in my head. And yet you're sure of it. I'm not sure of it That's it You're not sure of it

No but I don't trust that the FDA is looking at pet food Like when a bag of pet Because it's not their fucking job It is their job according to the FDA's own website They want to set guidelines for people But it's not their job to ensure that our pets are eating safely It's just not It is

It is It's ridiculous I cited the actual fucking law dick And you're just saying no Nah nah nah you're plugging your ears and saying no No I just don't think it's been There's a lot of laws that are on the books that there's not people out policing.

And that's the way the world works. Yeah, well, that's not, okay. And so what about the dog food that comes in from China? Well, yeah, I guess that's, surely they're on top of things just like we are, right? Well, no, the FDA doesn't regulate that. Or maybe they do more closely now that there was a lead problem. Here we go. Stats are falling apart over there.

Yeah, and you're so fond of checking appendices, but you forgot to check the appendix of the appendix that you looked at. What did say? There's over 74 samples of dog food. all from different brands, Neutro, O'Roy, Trailblazer, Pettigree, dads, Weiss-Value, Friske's, Rich Food, Safeway, Heinz, Purina, ProPlan, America's Choice. It goes on and on, right? You can read it online. 74 different samples.

Here's where that argument came from. I think that you can feed your dog, better food, they'll have a healthier life. Food that doesn't have, like, animal byproduct in it, which is just mulched up animals. Not true. What do you mean, not true? They have to label it according to the FDA. No, they have to label it as animal byproduct. They don't tell you exactly what's in it.

Yes, they do. What, they don't know? Yes, they do. So, chicken byproduct? Do you know that that's a thing? Yeah, it's from chicken. Okay, animal byproduct is a thing. Yeah, I don't think so.

All right. I don't know what to tell you then. I mean, it's not. I looked into it. It's not. The FDA does regulate it. Well, here's an actual lawyer who agrees with me. Okay.

Brittany White says, my understanding from a quick review of the law in your jurisdiction is that there are specific offense provisions for the sale of meat or meat food and products for human consumption, which are not prepared for human consumption but are otherwise appropriately prepared for animal consumption in accordance with

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Any person who adulterates any other meat or meat food product intended for human food with horse meat or the product an animal which has died otherwise that my slaughter or the product of an animal slaughtered for pet food is in accordance with the chapter. I don't even fucking understand what I'm reading here.

Shall be guilty of a felony punishable by a fine of blah, blah, blah, blah. Here's the important part. So unfortunately, in this recap, guard, it would appear that Dick was right. But nevertheless, go fuck yourself. I don't know why it's unfortunate that I was right. Signed your friendly neighborhood, internet, and real life lawyer.

Yeah, Dick. Did you happen to go on and read the rest of the comments? Because I replied to that, and I said, that's not what Dick was saying. Of course it's illegal to adulterate. Yes, I do. No, you don't. You don't fucking know what I'm saying. Let me finish.

You don't know what I'm saying, though. You still don't know what I'm saying, Dick. Look, it says, of course it's illegal to adulterate meat sold to humans. Dick was saying that there were parts of cancer. that are illegal to sell for human consumption. That's absolutely not true. That's absolutely not true. You can buy any part of a cow

and you can do whatever you want with it as long as you don't mislead the consumer. Okay, let's... Moving beyond that, there's 50% of the cow that's meat. The other 50% is going somewhere that ain't being sold to humans. Right. That's the point.

Right. That's the fucking point. What's the point? That it's being used for other things. Like dog food. No one's disputing that, Dick. That was... All right.

No one's dispeating. I don't know what you want me to say. The whole point is that it's better to feed your dogs better food. There's no evidence. Oh, my God, with your evidence. So do you eat better food? Do you, given the choice between processed meat, like fast food and organic food, what do you choose?

It depends. I pick whatever is cheapest. I look at the value that I'm going to get for the food. If organic food costs two or three times as much, I'm not going to eat it. But, Dick, we've gotten way off track. There you go then. I mean, that sums it up perfectly. Between the two, I'm picking organic.

because it's better for your life. It's better for your body. Oh, is it? Yeah. Interesting. It is. Okay. Well, remember that.

If that makes me fucking stupid for thinking that, like, food grown to make you, like organic food that's grown to make you healthy, not specifically, oh, well, it's an organic label. It doesn't actually mean anything. But if you trust the brand, it's better than buying it from, like, some mass process joint. Oh, it's a nice story, yeah.

I mean, it's nice on paper. By the way, Dick, we need to mention that we have pretty much a full studio audience with us today. We have so many people listening, just guests in studio. So if you hear a lot of people laughing, that's why. Dick, also I want to mention at the top of the show, our transcribers, Lori Foster and Megan Pennock did a very nice thing, and they sent us a Christmas package, a care package full of gifts. It is nice of them.

It's very nice of them. They wrote a bunch of nice notes and quotes from the show, and we are going to unwrap these gifts at the end of the show. However, I brought one in. I accidentally unwrapped it, thinking that it was for me. I think it's more for the entire show. I want to mention this.

They sent this in. It's a book. It says, Cust Control, the complete book on how to curb your cursing. Are you going to read out of it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the quote they put on here is from episode number 12. It's a quote for me.

It says, what's more meaningful than the word fuck? So I believe, Dick, this was from the Cuss Control Academy. Yeah, I remember bringing them in. Yeah. Because too much swearing was one of my problems. Uh-huh. So, yeah, and they agree with you. This is one of the books.

So to prove the point, this is, I'm reading from the book, says to prove the point, this list contains 70 common uses of the word shit. Who the shit knows? That's their first one? That's the first one. Who the shit cares? Your shit out of luck. Don't give me that shit. Cut the shit.

What the shit's wrong. Yeah. She thinks she's hot shit. I was scared shitless He's a dip shit I'm in deep shit Shit happens He's full of shit

Bullshit that's horse shit What a lucky shit Holy shit I took a lot of shit from him Oh what the shit And it just goes There's like two pages of this Eat shit

He's a fat shit I was knee deep in shit I got stuck with the shit work So How about stop putting shit in your body By eating processed foods Yeah Yeah well

You know maybe when there's evidence for that Points to Ponderous Evidence. Swear. Oh, you're fucking... Go, go, go, go. It says here, swearing is not the worst thing you can do, but you must be careful

about when and where you swear to avoid offending others and appearing ignorant. Wow, that's a pretty lofty statement. So... That's kind of true. No. No? To appear...

Did you walk into business meetings and you just start swearing up a storm? What's up, you spicy motherfuckers? Hey, I'm addicts. I'm here to pitch you a fucking show. Hey, you're a hero. Is that how you do it? Sometimes.

So there's a section in this book. There's a chapter. It says replacing the excremental exclamation. So they say the word shit is a solitary expression of disgust. It has evolved to serve as a suitable expletive for any negative mood, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So they list a bunch of alternates to use instead of the word shit. Here they are. And Dick, I'm going to challenge you and Sean.

For the rest of this episode, let's try to use some of these alternates. Yeah, this is great. Okay. Here they are. Nuts. Curses. Cripes. Yikes.

Crimony. E. Gad. Not hamburgers. Uh, hamburgers is not on the list, but I think we could use it because Dang Nabit is good grief, holy cow, holy mackerel, darn it, blast it, oh man. Or the favorite, man oh man, man. Man, oh, brother, dang it. I don't believe it.

Gadzooks and nerds. Wait a minute, but there's none on there for, if I wanted to say like stop saying this s that you're saying like stop with i can't say stop saying this uh cripes right yeah well it says here so it has different different phrases and expression so instead of like who the shit knows or who the shit cares yeah or it's a shit hole you can say dump or shack instead it's a it's a dump hole or shack hole instead of it's a piece of shit you can say it's a piece of junk or trash i already knew those words she doesn't know shit me you could replace shit with anything.

Come on. Yeah. I have a shitload of stuff. I have a lot of stuff. Yeah, a load, a ton, a pile. An abundance. They couldn't, like, improve your vocabulary. That's the whole reason you use curse words,

because you don't have a big enough vocabulary. Dick, this is written for three-year-olds, like cry babies who think there's too much swearing. Instead of tough shit, tough luck or too bad. I have a plethora of stuff. I have a plethora of shit over here. Yeah. Instead of no shit, no shit.

no kidding or I know Instead of no shit I know We were shooting the shit Breeze or bull Instead of he kicked the shit out of the guy He kicked the day lights Yeah yeah

Three year olds need advice on how to say I kick the shit I kick the what is it Kick the shit out of the guy What's the next what's the substitute Daylights tar or stuffings I kick the stuffing out of that guy A lot of three year olds walking around

Like sailors Instead of he's a shithead He's a jerk Dope or mean person. Yeah. Yeah. You're a real mean person, Dick. All right.

Can I play some voicemails for you? Let's do it. I'm sick of arguing about this shit. I'm sorry. I'm sick of arguing about this nonsense. There we go. Cus control. Oh, you'll like this one.

Let's get all the anti-meat stuff out of the way first. Hey, everybody. It's me, Dick Masterson, and I just wanted to say, Maddox, I was listening to the last episode. Well, well, sorry. little hard to talk with Jonas W. Bush's dick in my mouth. Anyway, Eric,

F-R-D you will bring in all these facts. That's basically it. All right, I gotta go. Great. I don't sound like that, too. Oh, that wasn't you? I thought you were calling into the show as a joke.

It could be. I got really drunk this week. It could have been me. I don't know. Here's another celebrity called in. This is pretty interesting. Hello, biggest problem in the universe. This is Kim Jong-Earn.

To warn you that if you post the Rive episode in January, the Korean People's Army were above every strip crub and fire bar cinnamon whiskey factory in the United States. Every strip club? We know that, Maddox, with unreason for imperious views, such as Princeper and bravery, we're not risen to us. But perhaps the cowardly Dick Masterson,

we receive the wisdom in our words. That's it, Charles Gaisal. You, Maddox, and I'm, say you, Dick. Oh, wow. Live shows canceled. He called in the show. He's a big listener, I guess. Hey, that was hilarious.

We should probably cancel the show to kowtow to North Korea like Sony did. But hold on, Dick, I actually got a voicemail, too. This one's a fan sent in remix. I think you'll like this. You would eat, you would eat this at the end. You would eat as a burger that knowing that the animals in it had been put to death chemically and that the chemicals were still bouncing around inside of them. Yeah, they probably have some progress.

to get rid of the chemicals. It's probably... No. Yeah, how do you know, Dick? Because that's why... That's the difference between a food that's able to be consumed by animals and one that's able to be consumed by humans. The difference between the difference between... The difference between a food that's able to be consumed...

I'm a scatman. I can see it. It's amazing. A great song. Here's one for you. Hey, this is Jordan from Bounful, Utah. This message is mostly directed to Maddox. My hometown.

Apparently Sony is one of the biggest problems in the universe, but not enough to where he won't buy the PlayStation 4. I mean, I get you're probably into Dark Souls. you're going to want to get blood-borne, but Jesus Christ, dude, there's so many more options to play video games. Like, if you're really desperate buying an Xbox or build a computer, that's nice.

Yeah, I just built a computer, buddy. There's that in case you know those options exist. Yeah, what's up with that? You're always talking about principles. Yeah. I mean, I know it's fun to bring in things like to fuck with me, like these stupid stats, but you are always talking about principles

and that you hate Sony, but you're probably going to buy a piece. So where the fuck are your principles? So I like video games and I like movies more than I hate Sony. So if they release a movie or video game that I want to see, that I feel like I need to support that art more than I hate the company, I have no choice but to do it. It's kind of like Dick, I hate telemarketing companies,

yet I worked for one for nine and a half years. So I did that because I wanted to pay my bills. I hate being homeless and decrepit more than I hate telemarketing companies. However you want to justify it, man. Yeah, that's... That's a beauty about having no principles. You don't have to do those long-winded backwards justifications of anything.

Here's another one. I'm Maddox. This is Ian. I love the show. You know, for a guy who wrote a book called I Am Better Than Your Kids, you sure had a touching story about how disappointed you were

that your mom didn't like your bottle full of glitter. I guess you probably learned your lesson and had great gifts for all of the women in your life from then on. It's mine. You see what he's saying? Yeah. Isn't the whole premise of your book

that you should be hard on kids to make them better. Yeah. And your story's all about your mom saying you did a shitty job, or you're sorry, you did a, uh, cripes job, a cripsy job, a crimony job with your, a nutsy job with your Christmas present to her.

Yeah. Did that make you better at buying gifts for women, or did it just make you very better about it? Yeah, well, I didn't, I'm not criticizing her parenting method. I am criticized, she's just an asshole. I mean. So not her parenting method. Sure.

Yeah. Yeah. And it wasn't glitter, dickhead. It was this fucking sparkly, it was reflective shit. It's science. I give her a bottle of science. That's what I did. It's different than glitter?

Yeah. It's little particles that sparkle. Well, when you put it that way, Dick? All right. I might have one more voicemail. Let's see here. A lot of girls in the comments were saying that they want you to buy them presents. Yeah.

Do you see those? Well, who doesn't? I'm a great gift giver. Yeah. Very thoughtful. I'm a really good gift giver, I think. I mean, you know, 100% of women would disagree. Yeah, well, definitely the one thing I don't want to hear

is their side of the story on this. Well, fair enough. Hi, I was just calling to let you guys know that Maddox with his bony problem, totally, totally won. But if it makes a difference, it sounds like Maddox loses in life. Okay. I can't have somebody appreciate his gifts that he gives,

which sound like awesome gifts. Awesome gifts. Fuck you dick. Oh, all right. All right, I got a lot of comments, but I think we're in at a time. We are, we are, so we still have to open the rest of these gifts. We're going to open them up at the end of the episode. We'll see what we're going to see live on air.

There's one other gift I did open early because they said it was specifically for me, and it was a giant rubber tit that they sent me because they quoted you in the Road Rage episode, Dick, if you want to read that quote. They sent me this big tit, you'll see why. Oh, this tit's heavy. Yeah, it's a heavy tit. Oh, my God.

Yeah. This is like a real, it's like a perfect sphere, a flesh-colored sphere with a giant nipple on one side. That is absolutely a tit. That's heavy. Yep. They said, you need to chill out. You have a, you need to chill out.

You need to have a stress ball in your car. Tickmaster's in episode nine. So this is what you're going to have in your car from now on. Yeah. I guess I'll squeeze this big tit when I'm angry, which I don't know if is a good thing. I don't want to... No, that's exactly what you need in your life. A gigantic tit in your car.

Another gigantic tit in your car. That you can squeeze like a maniac as you're driving around town, one hand on the horn, the other hand of the tit. Hey, might calm me down, man. Who knows? Classical music doesn't do it. All right, Dick, should we get to the problems?

We've got a lot of... Yeah, I'm trying to see if anybody called me a pussy in a funny enough way to read on the show. No, I don't think... Let's just go right to the problems. So, my problem, my problem this week is it's not necessarily Christmas-themed. However, I did think of it because of Christmas.

So my whole family's in town for Christmas, right? Yeah. My parents, my sister, her husband, my brother-in-law. And they came to the live show. They did. And they have a kid. They have a two-year-old kid, right? So one of the most fun things to do in life that I've found after they had this kid

is buying presents for little kids, like for children. That's fun? It's very fun. And I'll explain it to you the best way I can. Good because I wouldn't. Yeah. because I wouldn't have thought so either before I started doing it, but you can walk through a store and just heap presents into a cart.

Like, you can heap like a sleighful of presents into your cart that costs like 50 bucks. And I don't know about you, but I remember being a kid and having to like argue and chisel sometimes at my parents to get the toys that I wanted. Yep. But here I am as an adult exercising my power of just filling a shopping cart with toys for this kid, right? Why was it such a big fucking deal when we were growing up? I think it's because we were little assholes, probably. I'm sorry, why was it an E-GADS big deal when we were growing up? That's how it's fun, because you get to feel powerful.

You understand that. Yeah, I like to feel powerful. Yeah, so buying presents for a kid that you know is a powerful feeling. Dick, to play devil's advocate, couldn't you also feel powerful by not buying them presents? Think about it. I don't know. I don't want to get into one of these rabble. with you right now.

So I bought, I like buying this kid, like the presents that I would have loved as a kid. Like presents are like a little bit dangerous. No educational value at all. Crossbows. Yeah.

Like I'm counting down the years where I can get like him a BB gun or like a motorcycle or like a drum set. Peron. Stuff like that. His dad, his father's in the studio right now with us by the way.

Yes. So this kid's two. I walk into Walmart and with knowing exactly what I'm going to get him. A gigantic. gigantic remote control monster truck, right? Cool.

It's awesome. Yeah, great good. Just drive over all the other toys. Yeah. That's like, like, thematically, I want it to drive over all the other toys that he gets this Christmas. Yes. And literally. And literally.

And literally. So I find one at Walmart. Of course. Perfect. Bring it down to him. Christmas Day. He opens it up. And he's like, oh, mom.

You can't say it. Like, he can speak. But, like, they don't, they're, you know, their syntax isn't perfect. It's like, Monster Truck. Monster Track. Big Monster Truck. Pull it out of the box. He loves it, is what I'm saying.

Of course. Pull it out of the box. Take it outside. Oh, man, I feel awesome. I just fucking aced all the other presents. Why? Because I know what it's like to be a kid. You want something to destroy all your other toys.

Yeah. Yeah. We drive that thing for maybe 10 minutes. Immediately fucking stops turning left. Oh, bullshit, man. Immediately. You know how embarrassing that is? Yeah.

Yeah. Uncle Dick. Yeah. Toy, broken. The kids, let's go, let's drive it, drive it. Like, dude, I can't. It's broken. So I'm sitting outside trying to fix this thing.

Yeah. Right? He's moved on to the other, now the other toys are what he likes. Yeah. Now all the other toys that I wanted to shit all over are his favorite. Because this monster truck is broken. It's not reliable.

Oh, man. I'm sitting there cursing myself, cursing my life, wondering who I can blame for this, trying to fix these shitty servos that are underneath the monster truck to get it working again or to get it working on Christmas Day again. What do I fucking see on the bottom of this thing?

Made in China. Okay. That's my problem. Made in China. Okay, your problem is, what is it? Made in China. No, there's a fallacy here. Made in fucking China.

It's not a fallacy. It's made in China. Shit that is made in China sucks. No, not always. Not always. Get out of here. Not always. Are you going to sit here and tell me that, like, overall in the grand scheme of things,

shit that you're buying, the shit that us Americans are buying, the stuff that's made in China is not garbage? Yes, absolutely. And I'll tell you why, because I've been to China. I've been to multiple parts of China. And I remember going to a place in Hong Kong where it was kind of like a place with street hawkers, and they were selling all sorts of high-end products and knock-offs, Louis Vuitton bags, all that shit, right? And I remember walking down this one aisle. and they had every kind of dress shirt you could possibly imagine

from every brand from Van Hewson to Hugo Boss to everything under the sun. And they were all just different packaging. You just pointed to the shirt that you liked, and they would take the packaging out whatever brand you wanted, and they would make it that brand, because it all comes from the same factories. There's a handful of factories in China and Indonesia and Haiti that produce these garments,

and it's all the same stuff, and they fool people, consumers, who think that they're buying high-quality stakes and dog food like yourself. Here we go. I buy Hugo Boss, too. Yeah, put that in a list of nice things that I buy. It's coming from China. It's coming from the same factory that makes Adidas and Payless Shoes, buddy.

It's all the same stuff. Well, and that's why I started researching this, because I do think that everything comes out of there that we get access to is garbage. Like what you're saying about being able to walk around in China and buy nice things at discount rates because it's all the same stuff. That's true, but it doesn't get over here. No, that's not true. Of course it gets over here. As what, in the form of knockoffs?

I think that the majority of things that you buy, whether you know it or not, they're probably Chinese, the majority of the things that you use from data made in China. Yeah, and so just because your shitty, like, toy broke down. And by the way, Dick, not all toys that come from China will break down. There's a lot of high-quality products you can buy from China. I feel like I'm arguing that Florida is warmer than New York with you. Yeah, there's some days when Florida's not warm. but by and large it's fucking warm

and it's warmer than New York. Like you're saying that China is like it makes quality goods? Yeah. Absolutely, absolutely false is my opinion on that. So I look, look, look. I don't want to get too lost in the weeds here because China is like my rosebud. Like I'll get drunk and start ranting about it.

Like rosebud, China, China. There's this book that I found called Poorly Made in China. Okay. This sounds like it's going to be unbiased. Go on. Well, of course it's. bias. The guy's got an opinion because he's, I think he's Chinese, he's like, speaks Chinese, worked in China for a long time. Sure, sure, sure. And he goes through, he goes through a normal

manufacturer in China's business model. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Right. Like, this is how they make money. They make a contract with you, like an American designer. Let's say you're making Maddox hot sauce, right? And you get a secret formula for hot sauce. Sure. Secret formula, it'll make your dick bigger. It'll put hair on your chest. This is your hot sauce. That's my brand. Yeah. So you take it over there and they say yeah no problem we'll manufacture it for for whatever it takes whatever it takes to get the contract right so they sell it back to you but then they sell your recipe they sell your intellectual property everywhere else in the world to make their money back right including internally then once they get it set up once they get that process set up their entire business

model is cutting their costs sometimes dangerously and unethically yeah you see what i'm saying true Like if you have like an awesome monster truck, they'll just start cutting the quality of the servos. They'll replace springs with those stupid bent-up paper clips that are not as good as springs and they break within like 10 minutes of using them. That's what he says, this guy poorly managed out. That's their entire business model.

Oh, interesting. You know, Dick, that's a huge, huge problem. Why are you already smug? Why are you already fucking smug about this? I cannot believe you think they make quality products. Well, you know, it's not just me, Dick. it's millions and millions of consumers. In fact, these consumers are a certain type of consumer.

They're luxury product purchasers. And they like to buy. What do you mean? What do you mean? No, I don't understand the first thing you said. Oh, I'm saying that there's a certain type of consumer that buys luxury brands. Like say you were going to buy, I don't know, a cell phone. And you had a choice between Samsung and HTC, some lower end models.

Supposedly, you know, they're cheaper. Or you can buy the high-end luxury brand, like say, oh, I don't know, an iPhone. Where is the iPhone manufactured again? Can you refresh my memory? China. Oh, it's China. Interesting. And yet it's considered a luxury product and the highest quality.

You've said multiple times, Dick, that you buy Apple products because you just want it to, quote, work a bullet point from their own website. And yet all these products are made in China. How do you explain that? You're getting way off topic. These are made in China. Why are you cherry picking here? I'm not cherry picking. I buy an iPhone over the Android alternative just because I don't want to think about it that much.

I personally think it's a better phone. There's a lot of features that I wish it had that the Androids probably do, but I'd rather just... Okay, we're not talking Apple versus Android here. We're talking, is the iPhone a quality product? I don't know what to compare it to. Dick? Do you think it's a high quality product? Yes, yes, yes.

And where is it made? In China. What are you judging it all by the iPhone? Well, so we can cherry pick all day long, but until or unless you provide some kind of evidence that the majority of products that come from China are faulty or shoddy or poor, poor, What the fuck does a majority, I'm sorry, what the fudge does a majority of products have to do with it? Good grief, Dick. Max, you understand that it's not that black and white.

I'm just saying that in general, Chinese, I feel that the Chinese business model, according to this book, poorly made in China, is to cut the quality of the products. I have a big problem with that. Well, some companies do and some companies don't, Dick. It's hard to say that, it's hard to generalize and be accurate. You can't generalize the entire country. There's a billion people in China. Like fucking dog food owners are all smug assholes and people wearing ugly Christmas sweaters

are all smug assholes. You have a problem with generalizing that, you fucking asshole. I'm sorry, you fudging assweed. That's still bad. You farting. What do you got, Sean? What? Well, it's not Maddox's fault

that everybody is a smug asshole. That's true. Yeah, that's true. Hey, can I tell you something real quick? Yeah, what? My dad, my mom got a new computer for Christmas and I said, what are you going to do with the old one? Because it's like, you sell it, you get rid of it, right?

She got a new laptop. Right. My dad goes, no, keep it. Because I want to be able to play DVDs on it. And I said, DVDs. Who the hell has DVDs? And he goes, hey, try not to be such a smug asshole all the time. I was like, what the hell?

Wow. That's a good insult. Where did that come from? And he goes, yeah, yeah, yeah. Listening to your podcast has taught me how to insult people. It's like, God damn it. He got your number, buddy. Yeah, gosh darn it.

He got your number, buddy. He totally called you. you out on that because you were being smug about DVDs but here's the thing dick look you can get good quality products from china you can get bad quality products from china if you try to generalize the chinese people as a whole people well you're saying that chinese people because products made in china are made by chinese people they're not importing uh filipinos into well i mean sometimes maybe but look i don't think it's their people though i think it's their business model well but who is they who is they who are you talking about chinese people right well no

Isn't that the business model of Americans dick? No, no, I think it's more complicated than that Because I think their government has a large role In setting how In setting what they're supposed to focus on As in business Like I think I think in general their idea is to increase exports

No matter what And our government doesn't have a role like that With our businesses Like they're, I think they're a lot more free To do whatever they want here Which means, yeah, sometimes it is about cutting costs But a lot of times it's like being true To their own corporate vision

Well, yeah, but that also exists in China. I don't think it is. I don't think it's like you're saying. I think the government definitely has a decree of, yeah, we're exporting. Exports are important. Well, true, but I know for a fact that in China, there are certain companies that do have this kind of, you know, they're kind of like the Nestle Corporation or I'm not sure if it's Nestle or Hershey's one of the two. There aren't companies out in China that aren't just profit-driven.

But you're essentially arguing against the capitalist model, Dick, which is they're trying to make as much money. they're maximizing their profit by cutting corners and doing what they can. How is that arguing against capitalism, though? Because that's what capitalism is. Maximize your profits, right? No, no, no, no, no. But this is, to say it's capitalism, like, trade. It's not capitalism to have countries trading with other countries.

Hold on. No, no, no, no. It's like, capitalism is, oh, God. It's very simplistic to say that the economic policy of a, government against other governments counts as capitalism. Do you understand, like, they enjoy certain tariffs and, like, export incentives that we just don't in America or anywhere else in the world. And I think it's harmful for our, for the products they make and for the people in China.

Well, potentially, but the one of the few... I mean, potentially. Well, potentially. We have to, we have to establish that. You can't just make a claim without evidence. I actually have studies about this. Calm the fuck down. I brought this stuff in.

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. I've got to skip ahead because this took a really weird turn really quickly. So the Economic Policy Institute, which I don't even want to read in the comments what kind of an institute this is. But they say that the effect of outsourcing all of our production over there, if we did it, if there wasn't this whatever policy for China to focus on exports, the increase in total American salaries would be up $230 billion. the US GDP would be up almost $500 billion and the net good exports would be up $400 billion. I'm rounding up up but these are the size of the

numbers we're talking about. Right. Like if we're talking about saving a couple bucks by manufacturing stuff in China and shipping it over which I think is shit, this is the cost to us. Billions and billions of dollars up to I think it's up to $500 billion of the

let me read it first. Yeah. If we stopped making stuff in China, it would reduce the trade deficit by up to $500 billion over three years. That's not capitalism. Like, you can't say that that's just capitalism. It is, essentially, the business model that we have now is capitalism. You have companies in America,

American companies who want to maximize their profit. And the only reason they closed shop in America and shut doors here is because it was more profitable to do it in China with fewer regulations. They don't have to worry about unions. They don't have to worry about all these things that we have. They do have unions over there. Well, sure, but it's nothing nowhere nearly as strong.

It doesn't have the teeth that American unions have. But in China, they can skirt a lot of regulations. They don't have to worry about safety as much. They don't have to worry about working conditions. They don't have to worry about intellectual property either. They just sell whatever you got to somebody else. Well, yeah, Dick, but that's also hard to... I mean, obviously it's not a problem to Apple

because they're manufacturing their iPhones overseas and they don't have problem with it. I mean, you've picked, like, a company that has so much money They can hover over these manufacturing plants like God. Nobody can get away with stuff. But like the average, the fudging monster truck that I bought for my nephew, hopelessly broken. And it's these horseshit policies that prevent, what are you looking up? It's these policies that prevent American manufacturing from making this.

The stats I read said it's up to like 5.8 million jobs. we could be making these things in the U.S. versus shipping it out to China. And that's all I'm going to say. Go ahead, respond to it, but that's my problem. Yeah, Dick, you know, I'm not going to totally shit on the problem because I think that there are some crap products that come from China, and it really just depends on the Chinese manufacturers.

Some are good, some are bad. What can you say? I mean, it's hard to make the case that, just in general, as a blanket statement, all products come from China are crap. I'm not saying it's all. I mean, admit that I'm not saying it's all. Okay, what percentage would say? The majority?

More. I'm saying other countries would, us specifically, would make a better product because our business model is not set up to drive costs down. You can't. It absolutely is. Oh, it's not. No, it isn't. Well, it's company by company. The shit's illegal here that you can do over there. Of course it's not about driving cost down at any cost. Well, not at any cost, but that's what companies are always trying to do is trying to save and make a buck, right? It's these fractions of a percent that matter. That's what I'm saying. It's not all products are shit. All products are here great. It's the fraction. of a percent. It's the failure rate of

8% versus 10%. It's the amount that it costs in the long run that I'm talking about. And it's the pervasive problem that everything is made in China because of this. That's my problem. Did that make any sense? Well, I'm not sure you made a strong enough case to prove

the Chinese... Oh my fucking God. Somebody fucking kill me with a knife made in China. Why, it would just break off in your chest. All right, Dick. I brought in... It's crazy. I brought in so many examples, but I realized halfway through this that they're all anecdotal, and you don't trust any of them. Of course not.

I mean, this is like, yeah, you can cherry. This is like companies that manufacture buildings. Companies in China that manufacture buildings, they ship the stuff back over here, and they didn't put in aluminum. Yeah. That's a pretty big oversight. Yeah.

I can't see an American company doing it and just saying like, eh. So what? You can't sue us. Oh, wait, it's America, you can. Wow, you know what sounds really good about America, Dick? Regulations. Sounds like China needs for us.

The arguing. I don't understand why you're arguing this problem. You don't think it's interesting? It is interesting. I absolutely do, and I think this is a great problem. I'm just not sure that you've made the case that the majority of products come from China are shit. It's not even the point. Well, then what exactly is a problem then?

More. They're shittier than ours, and their business models... Go. No, I'm sick of it. Yeah. Go. All right. This is the world.

This is the fucking world we live in. Yeah, what? Where you have to prove that... All the products that come from China are shit. The majority, dick. Why the majority? Because then it's a problem. We're trying to solve the biggest problem in the universe on this show.

And if you, look, if only 30% of the products that come from China are shit, no, no, hear me out. If only 30% of the products come from China are shit, then it's not that big of a problem. If it's 50% or more, maybe it is, man. And how many people are dying? Like, how many people is this affecting other than, you made the economic case? Everyone on earth.

Hold on. I don't know about that. Not even Chinese people want to buy their own stuff. 60% of Chinese surveyed. I don't know where they fucking found these. I don't know where they fudging found these people. But 60% said they prefer American products. Gadzukes, dick.

Here's the thing. In China and in Europe, American brands are really strong, actually. Despite the fact that you hear all the time French people hate us and Europeans hate us and Chinese people hate us, that's not true. You go to China, you go to Europe, they love Levi's, they love McDonald's. They love American brands. So they may prefer American brands just because of the strength of the brand America, not necessarily that we make high-quality products as evidenced by all our shitty American cars. GM, get the fuck out of here with your shitty cars.

Where's the American TV manufacturing industry? Gone! Because Japan did it better. And that's why Chinese people, that's why people are buying foreign brands sometimes, not necessarily because we do it the best. I mean, there are certain products that we deliver the best in the world. aircraft carriers podcasts

podcast for sure anyway dick well you took a good problem and you cut it off at the legs like usual Maddox go ahead what is your fucking horse shit let's get to a real problem whoa whoa whoa buddy

sorry what is this horse mercy mercy there we go egad all right here we are my problem this week Dick is New Year's resolutions oh god yeah there's a real problem oh thanks for clapping audience

our in studio audience they love that problem yeah here Here we go. New Year's resolutions, Dick. Did you know that 62% of Americans make frequent New Year's resolutions or occasional New Year's resolutions? Is that it? 62%. That's more than watch the Super Bowl. That's almost double than watch the Super Bowl. Yeah, it's a lot easier to make a New Year's resolution than it is to watch the Super Bowl.

I don't know, man. The Super Bowl's just on. You have to avoid the Super Bowl to not watch it. I guess that's true. Yeah. It's fucking everywhere. And guess how many people keep their resolutions? 8%. How... You and your statistics, how are they getting that? Hey, did you make a new year's resolution? Yeah, did you do it?

Eh, more or less. Is that a yes? I mean, pretty much, you dick. That's how most statistics and most surveys are gathered. This is from the University of Scranton Journal of Clinical Psychology. They asked people who made resolutions, how many of them kept the resolutions, and it turns out about 8% were successful in achieving their resolutions.

39% of the people were in their 20s, and only 14% of people over 50 achieved their goals. Okay. Plus or minus 14%. No, it's just 14%. Like all these people are going to lie. Hey, did you make a New Year's resolution? Yeah, I said I was going to be nicer to my husband.

Did you? Uh, yeah. Nailed it. Yeah, I mean, yeah, but those aren't the resolutions people are making, Dick. What are they making? The majority resolutions, actually, this is interesting. It's from USA.gov. There's an actual government website.

that says popular New Year's resolutions. It's just a list of them. All the popular ones. I don't know why this is on a government website, but it is. Number one is lose weight. Then there's get fit, eat healthy food, drink less alcohol. Four of those are all related to health. I make one of those about every three days.

Yeah. And yeah, so you fail every three days. And then some of the other resolutions are volunteer to help others. I mean, that's the thing. I wouldn't say I fail at it. I would say, yeah, I did drink less this week. Great. It always seems to get less and less without ever approaching zero.

Yeah. You're asymptotic to zero, but you're still drinking constantly, which is an alcoholism, which is alcoholism. Oh, stop with these things. Anyway, some of the other resolutions people make, volunteer to help others, quit smoking, save money, get a better job, get a better education, and manage debt. Four of those 12 are all related to finance. I'm lumping get a better education into that. So eight out of 12 resolutions that people commonly make are either health or money related. That's why I think fries are the biggest problem in the universe.

Guys, go back and vote up fries. French fries. Those are contributing to our obesity problem in America. We're wasting money on French fries. I can't believe it's one of the lowest problems on the list. People don't think fries are a problem. You want to solve your New Year's resolutions. Go vote up fries.

That'll put you one step closer to solving your new resolutions. At least acknowledge that French fries are a problem. What about if people made a new resolutions? New Year's resolution to vote up fries. Would you be happy with that? If they followed through. Well, 8% are going to follow through. I know.

Pisses me off. Have you ever made a New Year's resolution? No. No? No, I'm not an idiot. Have you ever made a resolution ever? Yes, absolutely. Here's why you shouldn't make New Year's resolutions.

It's kind of like a delay for you to get your life started. You're procrastinating. People, it's a bad habit, right? If you want to, part of the reason that people have problems to begin with, like being overweight or not going to the gym enough, a gym enough, or not saving enough money, is because they put it off. They're procrastinators. And the last thing of procrastinator needs is another deadline to put off things.

Oh, you know, I'm going to start at this new year. Like it's some magic reset button that's going to clean your slate, that's going to wipe your slate clean of all the shitty decisions you've made in your life. Newsflash, idiot, you're still fat. You're not doing anything to solve that problem. So this is according to Forbes. They said many people use the New Year as an opportunity to make large, bucket lists or attempt extreme makeovers.

That's a nice aspiration experts say, but the average person has so many competing priorities that this type of approach is doomed to failure. Essentially, shooting for the moon can be so psychologically daunting that you end up failing to launch in the first place. And the main problem is, goals should be grounded by rational and achievable metrics. You don't just wake up one day and say,

you know what, tomorrow I'm going to get a new job. That's just not what happens. There's so many steps you're skipping, idiot. You don't just wake up and say, I'm going to go out and I'm going to win an Oscar tomorrow. Uh-huh. You can't just fucking win an Oscar. You have to take, do the steps, do the work, and visualize the work that gets you there. And then maybe you'll win an Oscar or write a New York Time bestseller.

Sure. People want to just be a bestseller. They just want to have the best book, but they don't want to do the work to get there. Yeah, I hear what you're saying. Isn't the first step to admit that you want it, though? I mean, I only know, I know where the first step is admitting it is the first step. I'm saying, isn't that true in life? Isn't everything you learn from AA, true in life as well? Yeah, well, Dick, you actually have a point here.

Thank you. According to the University of Scranton Journal of Psychology, the same study, they said people who make resolutions are 10 times more likely to attain their goals than people who don't. But that's still only... That's a pretty good thing. Is it when only 8% are achieving their goals? That doesn't make sense then. 10% more people achieve their goals if they make a New Year's resolution?

Is that what you're saying? No, that's incorrect. You are 10 times more likely to achieve your goal If you make a resolution. If you make a, here's what, here's the exact wording of the study. It says people who make resolutions are 10 times more likely to attain their goals than people who don't. Dude, then that sounds like a solution. Yeah, but it's still resulting in 8%?

It's a shit solution. I mean, I, that study sounds stupid anyway. 8% every year, 8% over a life? What does it mean? 8%? If you're 10 times more likely to lose, weight by making a new year's resolution to lose weight, you should be making that resolution every three months.

Dick, not- Make it every day. Not great. Great. Then we'll all just lose weight magically, right? It's just going to magic into existence. Except it doesn't work. It's not happening.

8%. You just said it works. But 8%, Dick, that's minimal. That's minuscule. You got to stop saying 8%. That doesn't mean anything. You don't mean anything. It's from like a stupid study.

It doesn't fucking mean anything. It's not a stupid study. Dick, you constantly do this. I bring in solid numbers and statistics and evidence. Those are solid numbers from a professor. You're not a professor of jack shit, dude. If you can't measure it, it's not a very good resolution because vague goals beget vague resolutions, says John Norcross of the University of Scranton. That's true, right?

I guess. What's the stats to back that up? His own fucking study, dickhead. I just read his stats. Yeah, but you don't look, like I hate the secret as much as everybody else. like the positive thinking stuff, malarkey, excuse me, malarkey. But it helps people.

It like centers them. Oh, geez, man. Not everyone has the fortitude that you do and the constitution that you do. They like to sit there and like gear up for something that might be a huge task they have to overcome. You hear what I'm saying? Like when we do this podcast,

I got to sit at home and gear myself up to come in and argue with you over effing dog food. Yeah, fudging. I got to make a little. a resolution to do that. Dick, the problem is people treat New Year's resolutions like a magic genie

lamp or a reset switch right, that'll just clean their shitty behaviors and habits that got them into the mess in the first place, right? According to... Oh, whoops, that's all I... That's all you have? Yeah. So, anyway, Dick, it's a big problem because

it causes people to procrastinate and not actually make positive changes in their life. So what? You would rather them have no fire under their ass? to change their lives? Yeah. Because, okay, so just everybody keep doing what you're doing?

No, you know, if you want to change your life, do it today. Don't wait for fucking New Year's. Don't wait for January 1st to roll around. Don't wait for some magic solstice or a lining of the stars or some astrological sign or a horoscope, God forbid,

some horse shit. Gadzukes, I mean. Nirts, that's what I meant to say. Some nerds? Don't wait for some nerds to show up. Just do it. I think this problem you're going to end up sounding like a bully

like you did with shy people. Yeah, great. People need time. You got to think it out. And I also don't think that you've never made a resolution. I don't think I have. Maybe I did when I was 20 years old, and that's when I first realized

that these resolutions are horseshit. Not New Year's, I'm saying in general. Oh, I've definitely made resolutions in general. That's what I'm telling people. Make resolutions today. Forget about the New Year. Do it now. Yeah.

And by the way, make your resolution. be something attainable, something that's within reach. Don't just make it something like, I'm going to find love, or I'm going to get a new job, or I'm going to lose weight. That's stupid. Those are very attainable. No, they're not.

Those are giant fucking things. Dick, they're obviously not. If these are the same resolutions every American has, and only 8% are achieving them. No, it just means they're difficult. Of course they're difficult, and that's why they're not attainable. The real way to do it, okay, if you really want to lose weight, make a resolution to cut something out of your diet completely.

Like say French fries. Cut French fries out of your diet. Cut sodas out of your diet. That's attainable. That's one thing that you have to cut out of your diet that will make a precipitous difference in your results. You will lose weight if you stop eating French fries and stop eating soda and you manage a few other things here and there.

You'll notice little changes add up to big changes. Sure. Instead of saying, I'm going to lose weight. How are you going to do that, idiot? How are you going to write that bestseller? So is it the specifics? of how people follow through on their resolution, or is it the resolution that you have a bigger problem with?

Well, it's the resolution, because the specifics is they don't follow through, they don't have the chart out. They use the resolution as just some lazy declaration on Facebook, and I'm just bracing for it, all the idiots on Facebook this week, next week, next month, whatever, just, oh, resolution, resolution, none of it ever happens. None of it ever comes true.

Just a bunch of failures, filling up my news feed. Hey, you should make a resolution to stay off Facebook for a while. I would love that, Dick. Yeah. You can. That's attainable. That's another thing that's very attainable. You just stop going there.

I do. I block it on my computer when I get work done. I edit my hosts file. And, you know, for those of you who don't know, it's a thing that on your computer that you can block certain websites completely. And it's kind of, I made it a pain in the ass for me to edit this file. I used to have a batch file that would automatically edit it for me. And then I realized it was just like a switch I could turn on or off anytime I

wanted to go to Facebook. You're like Tyler Durden. Like you're setting up traps for yourself that you fall into when you want your... Exactly, because I know something about me. I know that I am lazy. And I know that if it takes more effort than just typing the letter F in my address bar, I won't go to it. I know that.

I know that for a fact. So, yeah, I do block Facebook. However, I need it once a week when I post the podcast and let people know this shit's going. Yeah. Great. I appreciate that. Thank you, Dick. Hey, Dick.

So anyway, that's my problem. New Year's Resolution. are horace shit, and it's the biggest problem in the universe next to French fries and snakes. So, let's open some gifts, shall we? Yeah. You want me to start? Because you already opened two, apparently. Go ahead.

And, Sean, you should open one of these two. There's one with a quote from Sean on it. Here we go, Sean. It says, last night I went full-blowed retard, Sean, episode 31. You should open this one, Sean. What's that one about? I don't remember what you were talking about in that episode. When he deleted the podcast.

Oh, oh, wow. Yeah. So is there anything drawn on that one? I thought we weren't bringing that up anymore. Well, Sean, it was... I didn't want to. We didn't want to. That was just on the thing.

So, Sean is opening the gift wrapping. It's this green, what's that? Like, uh, poinsettias on there. It's a bunch of butterfingers. Hey. Oh my God. That's incredible. Oh, my God.

That is incredible. I will have you know that it was purposefully done. Yeah. Yeah. There was no butterfingers involved, sadly. That's incredible. Hey, I actually, I love Butterfinger, though. And I'm eating these and you guys aren't getting any.

Damn it. Oh, fine. They don't have a candy bar that's called full-blown retard. Does that not exist? Maybe it's a payday. I'm going to open this card. It's got a giant ejaculating penis on it. That's not a cuss word, is it?

Penis is not. You can say penis. You just can't say cock. Two Maddox stick and Sean. Oh, it's got a sexy lady Thor. on the front. Yeah, there's a Lady Thor drawn on it, Dick, because you brought in Lady Thor as a problem. Every time I open a card, I open it so that the money inside doesn't fall out. Like, even when I know there's not going to be any money in it. It's just like trained from when I was a kid.

I'm like, oh, oh, careful. I don't want this money falling out. There definitely won't be money in that one because I opened it already. So Marvel slapped tits on Thor. There's a quote from me, episode 10. Thanks you guys for everything. Merry Christmas Love Megan. I hope you guys enjoy this weird Pandora's box we've sent you. I decided against the King Cobra and six pack of beer for legal reasons, maybe next time. Thanks for being fucking awesome, love Lori. Oh, they both

signed the card. That's incredible. They live in different states, so they had to have sent it to each other to get it signed for us. It's very nice of them. Yeah, very nice. Here's the present. You got people spraying water in cars. I got people yelling at guys for doing dishes, episode 22. You remember that one? Drought dickbags? Oh, yeah, drought dickbags. I remember. That's when... Yeah, that's when we were talking about hippies and drought dick

when people, basically water zealots was the problem. So, Dick, you're opening this. It's kind of a long package. And while I'm opening it, I'm thinking about all the industrial hazards that China sometimes puts in toys. Here we go. That doesn't happen in the U.S. Open, not just cardboard.

Okay, it's funny. Oh, it's stickers. It's a patch positive vibrations with the Jamaican flag on it. Oh, damn it. That's cool. Yeah, some reggae sticker. You can worry that. Hippie power, a bumper sticker with a hippie pack.

Awesome, guys. Thanks for sending us a hippie bumper sticker. I'd put it on my car, but I drive a Lexus. I bet you have a problem with that. Hemp saves trees. Trees save lives. I speak for the trees, and there's a tree that says hug me. Oh, my God. Holy shit. When I read that, I want to kick the sticker's ass, even like somehow. Oh, my, look at this thing. I'm smelling it for petulia right now. It smells here. We're going to be posting pictures of all this on the website. Thanks for the hippie stickers, guys.

Just what I wanted. I think Dick, these are for you, though, because you were defending... Yeah, they're definitely for me. You were defending hippies, I believe. And then there's one last gift here. Should I open this one up? Yeah.

Okay, this one's the biggest... Wait, did Sean open one? Sean did, yeah. Sean opened his butterfingers. Oh, yeah, the butterfingers, all right. I was going to say, just real quick, this dude Angelo from HeavyRecord.com sent me a couple of guitar effects pedals. Oh.

So I can't wait. Sean's plugging shit now? Sites now? Stuff. You got to mention, I can't wait to try them out. It's fucking awesome. So thanks. Hey, awesome.

Yeah, actually, so we're getting all sorts of gifts from our fans. Thank you for sending us gifts, guys. And this last one, it's wrapped in peppermint wrapper. It says, there's a quote on it from Dick on the front. It says, when I get an emoji from a chick, man, I start my motor. It starts my motors going. Dick Masters in episode 15. Yeah.

Oh, I know. I know, dude. I know your emoji festener. Oh, my gosh. It's Tom. Look at Tom's shoes! These aren't gifts, these are curses! What are you guys doing to us?

Man, I'll tell you, the only good gift here was the tit. Are these really Tom's shoes? I think they are. Look at this. There's a note inside that says, custom shoe care. Remember, hand-painted, tie-died shoes or artwork for your feet, and should be worn with care. Oh, my God. Wait, did they put that in, or is that from Tom's?

No, no, it comes with the Tom's. It comes with the Tom's. It says, spot clean only with cold water and mild soap. Do not machine wash. Do not tumble. dry. I don't. Oh my gosh. Look at these things. Ah! The Tom's shoes have poop on them.

They've got the emoji for poop. Everyone knows that poop emoji. Right on the front. Man, if these weren't Tom's shoes, I'd put them on right pocket now. These are actually... Dick, you have small feet. This will fit you, right? One of my small feet is about to kick you right in the nuts for saying that, you dirty devil. Yeah, there we go. There you go, Dick. Yeah. These are actually pretty amazing. guys. Lori and Megan, thanks for the Tom Shoes and Hippie stickers, the giant

tit, Butterfingers. Give me the other one. Here you go. Oh, Dick is actually trying them on. Yeah. I'm so comfortable to have no principles. See Maddox? Nuts, Dick. Nuts to you. Yeah, they feel great. Oh, now I actually have shit on my shoes. You remember that episode?

Yeah. Yeah. Holy cow, Dick. Same stuff, different day, huh? Is that from your Cuss Control book? It's from Cuss Control. Yeah. Dick, that's really bad stuff you got on your feet there. What a lucky guy.

A piece of junk. Anyway. Remember when China put all that poison in dog food? Yeah, long-ass time ago, Dick. Yeah. And everyone railed about it, yet people die from food poisoning here all the time. It's not a big fucking deal. Everyone still remembers that one time a few fucking dumb, a few dogs died from food in China.

from dog food in China. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah. I'm just asking if you remembered. Yeah, I remember. I remember. I remember.

Yeah. Because no dogs, no pets have ever died from American manufactured food. Yeah. Look, man. Yeah. So that's our show. Thank you guys for the presence. Don't forget to vote on these problems, the biggest problem in the universe.com.

Make sure to upvote New Year's resolutions and downvote. What was yours dicks? Made in China. Made in China. Enjoy your Chinese Shurbanes. shit, Maddox. Yeah, which actually I have a story, I don't know, we don't have time.

You know it's ridiculous is how many stats I brought in about China about like the trade war with China for the last 20 years? Didn't get to any of them. I don't know why I don't know why I bring them in. Dick, why don't you read one right now? No, no, no, no, it's too late. Your best one. It's too late. Read one.

It might sway the vote, dude. It might be the one vote. The one fact that changes the debate. Hold on. And I'm not even going to respond to it. Okay. Well. Everyone in the audience is giggling.

He's not going to respond to it. He's not even going to get through the statement before you respond to it. I know how this works. I'm not going to respond to it because I'm going to edit these episodes and I'm going to cut it right out. What are you got? A hundred percent of Harvard scientists think that made in China is the biggest problem in the universe. That's a pretty good stat. No response.

That's a response, you fucking liar. You effing liar. Bigger slipped. Oh, man, Godzooks. All right. Man, oh man. Here we go, guys. Have a butterfinger. Yeah. Thanks, Sean. You're a real humdinger, Maddox. Gee whiz.

Anyway, guys, that's the show this week. Don't forget to vote on these problems on the website. The biggest problem in the universe.com. Live show coming up. Thanks for the gifts, Lori and Megan. Thanks for listening. I got some more voicemails for you. Hey, Maddox.

I want you to know that when you said poodles were pussy dogs, you're a fucking idiot. Poodles were bred to retrieve birds for hunting. That's right. Poodles are hunting, Doug, and he suck the dick. Wow. They're a big problem and I'm calling you out on it. Call you out on it, buddy.

What an asshole. That's your catchphrase. Yeah, because poodles hunt little birds. Awesome. Wow, vicious dogs. Okay, how about this one? I got a question for you, Dick. Why is it that you have a problem with priests?

And I presume you mean Catholic priests primarily, but you're inexplicably cool with the Pope. you know who is arguably the biggest priest so I guess maybe that's another episode of judge versus the biggest priest guy it's not an idea the biggest priest is Judas priest

you can't just if you choose what part of the religion you want to believe in if you hold the text to be true and inspired this turned into a sermon halfway through the voicemail but that's part of the religion

you believe the texts are divinely inspired and they're true necessarily so anyway fuck you dick good job Matt See ya. Wow, sounds like this guy has bricks for brains. Thank you, cusscontrol.com. One more?

Hey, Maddox. I'm not sure exactly where I stand on the issue of the terrorism with Sony. However, I want to say something I think you'd agree with that kind of goes against your argument. If America was to, you know, not stand out and there was an act of terror, if they told, like, if Sony Pictures had to air the movie and there was a terror, and there was a terror. terrorism. And then we decided to go to war under the pretense of fighting terrorism. Yeah, man, I made that point. Wouldn't it be criticized just as much as the Iraq war was? I mentioned that.

I mentioned that in the episode. I was wondering, what exactly does not backing down to terrorism get you? Where does it get you? What solution do you get out of that? And it would be criticized either way. I criticize them because they backed down, but then I think people would criticize them if we went to war over it in the end. Great. Doesn't it sound like As always, Dick sucks.

Fuck off, Dick. That's not it. It sounds like that guy's like getting dressed or undressed as he's like on and off mic and he's putting on his suit.

Yeah, it sounds like there's a lot of effort. He called in while he's getting ready in the morning. That guy sounds like he doesn't know granola from Shinola.

All right, that's enough. All right. He thinks his pits don't stink. Oh!