The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 34

Episode Date: May 11, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe. I'm Maddox with me is Dick Masterson. Hey, what's up, buddy? And Sean, our audio engineer. Gentlemen. Hey, Sean, is that your thing now? You say gentlemen now? I don't know what else to say.

Okay. Sean, I've been there. To quickly address the both of you. That is the mark of a guy who's thought about it. Right? That's a sign of a guy who's thought about it. Because I've done that too. What do you say at the top of the show?

Who knows? Yeah, I don't know what that's like. That's why Sean is never going to bring in a problem because he's got to think about everything so fucking much. Sean's a thinker. That's probably true. Yeah, I think you'll think yourself out of it. Like, you'll come up with a problem and then figure it out by thinking

about it so much and say like, well, I guess it's not a problem after all. It's a curse. It's related to my problem today, Dick. So, Dick, last week, let's get this out of the way. Get what out of the way? Just the voting. The whatever problem one? It's no problem wins, Dick. That's why

like, dude, in the comments, people are starting to say things like, oh man, I just can't believe we brought in that low ball problem just to get votes, blah, blah, blah, blah. Or they'll say I'm voting specifically for Dick just to hear this song or whatever. It's not what this show's about. Look, guys, I'm curious. I'm genuinely interested in finding out what the biggest problem in the universe is based on your votes.

So please take that into consideration when you vote. And apparently... What was it? You know what, Dick? I actually agree with the voting last week. It was made in China was a bigger problem than New Year's resolutions. Oh. That part takes, like half the time of the time of the song.

You so arrogant? Yeah, feels good. I'm getting trained like Pavlov's dog with that song. Me too. My veins start bursting as soon as I hear it. Anyway, guys. Yeah, you know, I would agree with that, Dick. It didn't get a lot of votes.

No. It didn't win by much. It didn't win. It didn't get outvoted or whatever you want to say by much. Yeah, and there was a lot of interesting commentary about it in the comments this week. Go ahead, Dick. I want you to start with the comments because my comment is going to lead into my problem. So however you want to leave off, let me know, and then my last comment is going to lead into my problem.

Okay, this was my favorite. John Bromley, he posts this gigantic and very interesting comment. about being a fabricator who like oversees production in China. It's his job. He's an American who goes over there and like tries to fix up the process. Great. What is saying? He was saying that it used to be like that, but it's less of a problem now.

And he gives reasons why. It was an interesting comment. And then one guy, David Lugo, just responds, so it's your fault the monster truck didn't work. Great. I'm glad that that's what you took from it. Our fans are just really funny. Like the Korean girl that I took to Burning Man, the shitty passengers girl,

I was talking yesterday, she's like, all of your fans are really funny. Like all the comments is just people constantly fucking with you, fucking with each other. Like, it's just, that's the atmosphere that you guys have created. It's hilarious. Yeah, a bunch of assholes. I've always tell people, when people try to, sometimes people sign me up for shows to be guest appearances or, you know, blog, guest blog writers or whatever, I will warn them ahead of time. I said, look, if you want me to promote this through Maddox,

you're asking for, you're asking me to open a can of worms here. My fans are assholes. Just know what you're getting into. Yeah. Every time, I have to prep them and warn them, and actually I've dissuaded probably about 50% of the people. I love it. It's like a Pandora's box.

Oh, yeah, I've dealt with this my whole fucking life, man. I know these guys, these knuckleheads. At the Rafture on, at the Rafture on Twitter, says, Dick Masterson, I got into an argument with my dad at Christmas dinner. He told me about some study he read. I inadvertently blurted out, I got his stats for you. I got his stats for you. Yeah, that's pretty funny.

Kevin Flanagan says, I didn't realize it was cool to send gifts to the show. Expect a box full of AIDS in the next couple days. Great. What does that look like? My mom would probably know. She's wished that upon me, so. Really? Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, that's a whole story, buddy. I got it, that's an episode. Maybe I'll bring it in for a bonus episode. Picking in for Mother's Day. What's up, Sean? Your mom gets worse every week. Oh, yeah. It's unbelievable.

Oh, this is even the tip of the iceberg, buddy. These are just like the cliff notes. Wishing AIDS on her kid? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It's up there, man. That's up there. I could go on.

Man, I'd have to do like a four-part mini-series of just stories for my mom. I guess. Yeah. Four parts? You could cram it all into four parts? No. These would just be like the highlights. Lord of the Rings part.

Yeah. Parts. Yeah. These would be the low lights of stories for my mom. Anyway. Brian Togas says people need to vote Maddox's resolution problem up. His points were solid and he actually gave great advice for breaking down difficult... Excuse me.

And he actually gave great advice for breaking down difficult goals into manageable chunks. Yeah, I read that comment. Thank you. That was a really insightful comment. The guy got what I was trying to say. He said if you're so emotionally fragile that you need to wait until a special day to take action towards an important goal, you should probably just give up now. Yeah, don't even start.

You know, Dick, something kept resonating with me after the last episode. Oh. You know, because I'm not a disingenuous person when I argue. When I, because that's why sometimes I'll mention stats that will be in favor of your argument. Even though I know. You're very even-handed. Yeah. I get it.

You're great. What do you want? What's the point? Even though I know it may help your argument. So last time when I mentioned that you said, well, aren't people more likely to accomplish their goals if they make a resolution? Wait, can I interrupt you for one second? It makes for a more interesting show.

Because I think that's what you're saying when you say it's not a contest. Like if you bring in stats that are interesting, you might lose whatever. It might hurt your case, but it makes for a more interesting show. Sure, of course. And so last time you mentioned that you're more likely to accomplish your goals if you make New Year's resolutions. And according to that study, it was 10 times more likely that you would accomplish your goals if you made resolutions, which still only amounted to an 8% increase of you potentially making your goals. So it's basically 10% of nothing.

I got a voicemail about that. Or 10 times nothing, yeah. Yeah, yeah, I hear you. Problem that I have with Maddox's assertion is that 8% let's round up to 10% is one of your fingers

being cut off of your hand. That is not infinitesimal, as he said in your last episode. No, dickhead. Ridiculous. Oh, no. Eat all of the dicks in the world.

Love Brian. Well, there's no fuck me. No, what's infinitesimal isn't the 8%. It's the likelihood that makes it 10 times more likely that you're going to accomplish your goals. That's still infinitesimal because it only amounts to an 8% increase. So it's basically 10 times 1%, which is infinitesimal. All right.

Yeah, but your problem with it, people like with jobs and kids and responsibilities, it's nice to have a day that they can make a resolution. It's not as easy as you're making it seem. Just be better any time. Yeah, Dick. I'm agreeing with you, and that day is today. Don't fucking wait until the new year. Don't wait until your birthday.

Make it fucking today. Because if you don't, you're never going to accomplish those goals. Take the first step now, right after you listen to this podcast. All right, Dr. Phil. Let's calm down. John Clancy, this is directed at you, Sean. This guy's disappointed. We posted a bunch of behind-the-scenes photos at our last podcast.

Remember that? Because we opened a bunch of presents. I saw that. Yeah, and it was the first time that you were featured. Were you happy with the picture? Because I was not happy with the picture of me that got posted. I looked like a fat idiot. Dick.

I think it was just a shot of me from the side. I'm opening the butterfingers, right? Yeah. Yeah. Sean, I picked the most flattering photo of you. And Dick, you as well. You had... There was a picture of you wearing the Tom's shoes.

I thought, well, this will ruin his career. I don't want to do this to him. Did I look good in that picture? No, you look terrible wearing the Tom's shoes, because Tom's shoes are terrible shoes. Well, John Clancy says, I was picturing Sean to be fatter. Yeah. I don't know.

He just comes. kind of has a fat voice. Yes. I have no idea what a fat voice is. Me either. I do. I've heard, when I talk to people on the phone sometimes, especially customer service, I know within probably 98% degree of accuracy how fat they are. Is there like a tuba playing in the background or something? Why is it, why do you know how fat they are? Boom, boom, boom. No, because you can hear the heavier breathing and the tenor of their voice. Like, you know a fat person. You know they have a fat voice. Maybe they're just a psychopath. No, psychopaths don't sound fat

When they're on it, they're like, right? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, that's a pant. It's more like a heavy breathing. Like, almost, they're sighing in between breaths. You know what I mean? And that's like a fat sigh. They're just like, oh, I'm fat.

Anyway, it's hard to explain because you've never been really fat. I was a fat guy, so I know, I know a fat voice because I used to have a fat voice. Let's see, I got some more voicemails here. This one was a weird one. Dick fucking Masterson. Yeah.

The guy who in one episode will point to is ridiculous libertarian principles. And then in the next episode, we'll point to how China makes shitty products because they have less regulations. The principle there being that regulations are good. And that we would make better products because we have more strict regulations, you know, those things that the libertarians want to get rid of. Is that what you got out of what I was saying? I'm so fucking little dick.

That's why it was boggling my mind because you have these like staunch libertarian views. and then you're admonishing China for having, you know, no regulations and making products for as cheaply as possible. First of all, I like to take things in moderation. Yeah. Not liquor, but some things. Yeah. Regulations, like, you have to show what's in the product you're buying, like food.

I don't mind that. Is that, like, do people think that, like, libertarians are just, like, anarcho-capitalists? Like, whatever goes, whatever it takes to make a buck, that's what I want. Roll over people with the steamroller. I don't fucking care. Yeah, that's a moderate view of libertarianism. By the way, Dick, you remember a long time ago? We got in a debate over email, and we had this exact same conversation, and I called

you anything for a Buck Masterson, and I sent you a photo of a guy who had his eyes blinded with dollar bills and then a whole bunch of sweatshops and shit like that. You remember that? I remember that. Sometimes I look at the emails you and I send back and forth, and I think about the Jefferson Adams papers, like letters. that these learned men of history wrote to one another, and I'm horrified

imagining that like 200 years in the future any of our email chains will like come out and people like, this is how these fucking idiots talk to each other. And by that point, it might actually sound learned. You know? And like that might be a sophisticated level of discourse. Well, you brought up the whole capitalist thing too.

This was my point with China. Over decades of currency manipulation, which I never got in. to, they've established themselves as a global addiction for manufacturing. You see what I'm saying? Like their entire industrial base serves

to make goods, some of which are shitty, for the whole planet. And by this point, even if they are recovering it, there's no escaping that. And that's done, there's nothing libertarian about a country manipulating its currency to the detriment of their

own poor people. Like, do you understand how currency and manipulation works? Yes, Dick, of course. That's not a trivial question because it's confusing. It's like, how does a currency become less valuable? The way China does it is by not floating their currency. Most currencies are pegged to the dollar or pegged to the pound or peg to the EU. China's isn't floating. China's is fixed at, I think it was like 8 yuan to the dollar, something like that. That's how they manipulate the currency. However, Dick, it's always a two-party system. It's similar to the argument that people make that immigrants are taking our jobs.

I always like to point out that, hey, they're not taking our jobs. Companies are giving them the jobs, right? It's a two-party system. You can't just take something. So if China becomes the cheapest manufacturer in the world, isn't the culpability also on America and Europe and the rest of the Western societies to not use it if they feel that the way China's manufacturing products is untenable or immoral? But here's the thing.

And here's why I think capitalism or libertarianism or whatever is getting, money is getting blamed for this when it's not money's fault. When you fix a currency, when you are, when you're taking money and buying imaginary money from the U.S., right? So China's taking their dongs or their yawns or whatever they have and they're saying, give us treasury bonds, we don't care, just take your money back. Because when they do that, they prevent the people in these. factories from getting more money to a point where it would be too expensive to manufacture there.

Do you see what I'm saying? So by doing this, they ruined the entire point of what the market would protect them from. Does that make sense? Well, Dick, yeah, I hear that. Because they can't increase their wages. Right. Because they're being artificially lowered. No, but that's, so the argument, Dick, the reason they're doing that, and this is like

sound economic theory, is that they are doing that to create a, manufacturing base in their country. The government is. The government is. So that once they get to a sufficient level of economy, once they raise their economy to a sufficiently large enough size, then they can turn around and float their currency again. And then they'll say, okay.

They are doing, of course, because there's enough pressure from NATO and a few other, you know, what's a G8, G8 countries. Internally as well, people are going fucking crazy because investors, investors don't like currency manipulating because they can't invest their money, only manufacturers do. Well, sure, sure, but let me finish this point. Yeah. When they have established enough of a manufacturing base, then they float their currency again, then China's going to turn around and be on top because guess what? They already have the manufacturing base and they have the strong economy, so that's China's strategy. I'm not sure

if it's right or wrong or whether it's going to work, but that's at least a sound economic theory. No one is doubting that, and I'm not doubting that. However, the only reason I'm bringing it up is because it's not the people doing this organically, it's the government saying this is our strategy. And that, that's as anti-libertarian as it gets. I'm not saying that it's even a good, libertarianism is a good philosophy. I'm just saying to this guy who said,

how could I knock China for this strategy, it's their strategy is a bunch of dudes sitting around thinking what's best for people while they're starving and committing suicide and their fucking factories. I'm very against that. Well, then why do you own an iPhone manufactured in one of these?

I'm against it so far as I have to suffer for it. Okay. All right. So you personally don't want to be in one of these factors, but you're okay with paying somebody else to do it. What I'm okay with is irrelevant. Where I spend my money is, what my money spending says is that I don't give a fuck. Exactly.

Just like everybody else. Just like most of America. Therefore, it's a two-party system. But it ends with, go ahead. Yeah, America is enabling China to do this by paying these manufacturers to, to produce these products at any cost. And you're culpable by buying these products. You can't complain about it and then still buy them.

I can complain. When a monster truck breaks within 10 minutes of opening it, that's not, this fucking guy tried to fix my problem. Oh, Dick. Hey, this is Jordan from Bountiful, Utah. I can't remember if I already left this message. Yeah. In case, but this one's for Dick. I noticed that your problem

made in China, well, there's a pretty easy solution to it. Check the reviews. In this day and age, you're going to have to check reviews for anything you buy. Anything? Otherwise, you're going to end up with a shitty product.

Takes a second. It takes a second. So sorry, man, but that one's on you. Yeah, dude. And also, Dick, another thing, have you ever bought a product from a company that you trust that ended up failing? What do you mean? Yeah, of course.

Of course, right? Like, for example, we were buying hard drives a while back for the live show, and I said, let's stay away from Western Digital because they have a higher fail rate recently. Western Digital used to be a great company, but the fail rate is just that. It's a rate.

It's no guarantee. that you're going to get a failure every single time. So who's to say that the monster truck that you bought isn't just a fluke? You have a test sample of one rather than testing three or four different monster trucks made in China. You could have bought a good one. I'm sure that they're not all failing. There's got to be a fail rate, and they have a tolerance for that. Even Apple products have like a 15% fail rate, something like that.

That's absolutely not true. 15%? No, no, I'm sorry. I'm thinking of beats. Beats by Dre. Oh, Beats by Dre have a 15% failure rate? Yeah, that's what I read, I think, a while back. Hey, by the way, I talked my brother-in-law out of buying some.

Great? When he was out here, he was looking for headphones. Then your brother-in-law is the proud recipient of being less douchy, I guess, to walk around. Yeah. Without those stupid headphones on. He is the, what is he, the benefactor of your glorious advice. Yes. There you go.

Finally, getting some credit. That's what I deserve. All right. Thank you. You want to do your first problem? Yeah, but before. I'm trying to educate you about global economics. Oh, Jesus, dick.

Thank you. Dick Masterson, Mr. DNA pajamas. What? It's from the bonus episode. A reference to our bonus episode. Here's a reference to the bonus episode. I kicked your ass at a wine tasting competition. You did not.

I totally did. Don't get too far into the specifics because I don't want to spoil it for people. No, of course that. You guys go to the bonus episode page, even if you're not subscribers, look at the contest, look at the results. You'll see how Dick fucked up. All right. Anyway, Dick, I have a comment here.

Nailed it. Yeah. You got nailed, buddy. I got a comment here from Scott Miller. Shot a cork right up your ass. Dick? What's your comment? Get to the fucking comment.

Your horse shit. I got a comment from Scott Miller. And this comment is going to lead into my problem, but it's a long one. I'm going to read the whole thing. Okay. Scott Miller says, for fuck's sake, I want to get a scarecrow and put Dick's face on it so Maddox can make crummy straw man arguments against it rather than his poor co-host. We get Dick versus Dick where Dick contradicts his own points in different

But we lack a Maddox versus Maddox in which Maddox violates his holy principles. And he has an asterisk here. In the same gosh dang episode, he proselytizes them. He scorns lording knowledge over people and then looks down on idiots and dipshits who don't know the same stuff he does. Wow, this guy's got your number. Oh, yeah. It sure seems that way, doesn't it dick. Even your mom should team up.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm sure. She'd love him. Why don't they get married, idiot? He makes sweeping generalizations and then gets after Dick for saying all products made in China are bad when that wasn't even what Dick was saying. And he put two exclamation marks. He said relative to American products, Chinese products will be shittier more often than they will be better. That's all.

And that's fucking true. Okay. Thanks for setting the record straight, Scott. Yeah, thank you. Yeah. So you beat this defenseless straw man to death and then move on to say that even if Chinese products are poopy, it doesn't matter. And by the way, he's replacing a lot of the cuss words in here because we used cuss control last episode.

He said, we're trying to find the biggest problem in the universe, Dick. As I understand it, the show is an infinite series of episodes in which you order all of the problems in the universe relative to one another. That's right. That's what we would do. That means you'll get to them all, right? Yeah. So, yeah, let's have pedophiles and audiophiles. Let's do Christmas sweaters and female genital mutilation,

but don't fudging try to disqualify one problem for being too. small, especially without citing any evidence of its significance as though it's even possible. So he's whining down here. It's almost at the end here. He says, I would have left voicemail, but I feared Maddox would whine about the quality of my phone or the sound of my voice instead of addressing what I was saying, because that's how he, quote, wins the show that he says has no winner. Oh, that's great. All right. Mow's my turn. Nope. One more, one more paragraph here. He says, Dick, don't go F yourself. You buoy the show by not stooping to Maddox as morally reprehensible and worse.

Intellectually slothful methods of argument. Maddox, in the words of the dude, you're not wrong, you're just an asshole. Which I have heard so much. And I love it. I revel in it. So, Dick, this comment... Wow, that's a doozy. It is a doozy.

And I wanted to bring the whole entire thing in because I want to show people I'm not afraid of Jack shit. This comment leads me to my problem this week, which is lesser minds. Oh, boy, you're doubling down then. Oh, boy. Boy am I ever. Lesser minds is my problem, okay? The signs of a lesser mind, the first sign, here's the first sign of a lesser mind, Dick.

Is it your name is Scott? Sorry. No, it's not. The first sign of a lesser mind is not providing examples. When you say I scorn people, specifically audio files, for, quote, lording knowledge over people, and then you say I do the same, you know what would really drive that point home? Examples. You provided nothing. You have no examples.

The audio files wasn't the example? No. He referred to it. I'm not going to assume. I'm not going to predict what he was trying to say. I'm guessing that he was talking about the audiophile episode, because I believe that that's the only episode that I've used the word. lording in, and it was the autophile episode. He left it up to me to guess and infer what he was trying to say.

Guess what, dipshit, that's sloppy debating. I'm not going to do it. Well, I'm sure you've done that, though. What? You have a problem with people lording things over you? Wasn't that the entire argument with Christmas sweaters? No. Not at all.

The closest it comes to is in the audiophile episode. See, here again, we're speculating rather than him giving a crystal clear example, and then me being able to rebut it. Instead, he chose the lazy route. He chose the intellectually slothful route to use his own phrase. Here's the second sign of a lesser mind, Dick, not being able to distinguish an inquiry from a challenge. Okay?

When Dick made the generalization that products from China are usually more inferior, if you paid close attention, I didn't disagree with him. I didn't agree either. All I did was ask, Questions. It's the mark of a lesser mind to view an inquiry as a challenge. I generally like to gather facts before I make a conclusion. It's called making an informed decision. Right, Dip shit? I didn't think that the concept of asking for evidence would be such a firebrand. And it was. It shouldn't be such a revolutionary idea to you. What's that? Is this a slam on me or him? I think you went on to me. A little bit of both. Yeah, that's what it seems like. Yeah, I didn't think it would be such a revolutionary concept, Dick, to ask for evidence of a claim. And by the way, Dick, I happen to agree with you. I think the majority of products

from China are probably crappy, but I'm not going to... Yeah, I like iPhones. But that's my opinion, and I'm not going to make that claim as a fact, because that's just my opinion based on my empirical knowledge. But I have also seen a fair, I have a fair amount of Chinese products that are high quality. My comic books were produced in China, and I know the factory, and I know the person who produced them. And they're... the guy at the factory who produced them? I know the guy at the factory. I know the CEO. Oh, the CEO. I thought you meant the guy on the assembly line, like stapling pages together, sending you secret notes in your comic book or something like that. No, they're really high quality.

In fact, I don't know, a lot of my listeners may have the comic, maybe not, I don't know, but the comic book that I produced in China is full color front and back glossy pages, inside glossy pages, black and white, very high quality print, came with a backboard and wrapping, and it was all produced for a really good price and highest quality I could possibly imagine. I was overwhelmingly pleased with the product that I got from China. And it all came because I put the care and effort into contacting the right person

and making sure that he was going to deliver a quality product. Man, this is a real you are great problem. It's just every single fucking one. There's many levels to the greatness, a lot of twists and turns. All roads lead to Rome, though. The empire of you. Yeah, Dick, you really just, I think you really summarize the spirit of this problem.

Yeah, I think I got it pretty quickly. Well, Dick, I have one last sign of a lesser mind. This is the third and final sign that I have of a lesser mind is not being able to discern an argument from blind criticism. Okay? So a common criticism I get is that sometimes I don't address what the person is saying and instead focus on something like, quote, the quality of the phone call or the sound of your voice.

Yeah, well, those are funny. Yeah, of course it's funny. But it's a common criticism I receive, and it's usually only when I ignore people calling me an idiot, or criticizing me for being stupid while doing something stupid themselves. Right? Fuck nuts. For example, in episode 28, that's what he was referring to. In episode 28, we aired a voicemail from a caller who called me a fucking retard for not using

certain features on Facebook. The reason I made fun of his call, dumbass, rather than addressing what he said is because he had no merit, and I thought it was obvious to our listeners. Clearly, I gave you too much credit. If somebody's just calling me and calling just to say you suck or you're an idiot or whatever, those are hollow statements. That's your opinion. There's no meat to that criticism.

A long time ago, someone posted on the I Am Better Than Your Kids website, this guy, I think his name was Tim or Tom or whatever, he said that I wasn't funny. And he said that I know Maddox isn't going to respond to this. Why? Well, because he thinks that I'm afraid of that criticism. Oh, no, that's weird. I've seen that before. That always, that's always just, that's definitely the sign of a lesser mind, I guess.

Yeah, you know, Dick, in the 18 years I've been writing, I think it's almost 18 years now that I've been writing, I had never responded to one of those messages, and I decided to respond to him and explain why I never respond to those messages. It's because your opinion is invalid. It doesn't matter. It's not qualified. In order for your opinion to matter On whether or not you think somebody is funny

You have to establish yourself as somebody whose opinion is trusted And we have to know what kind of humor you actually like Sure For example, that's why people respected Roger Ebert's opinion When He was alive It's because his opinion was backed by a body of work And you know if Roger Ebert criticized a movie Like The Army of Darkness for being a shit movie

You know to take that with a grain of salt Because that's not the type of movie that Roger Ebert likes Right This guy who criticized me as being not funny Or this guy who calls me a fucking retard I don't know anything about this guy So for his opinion to matter I have to know who he is and what he believes and what he likes

Who else does he think is a fucking retard For example Exactly Yeah Yeah That's why I don't respond to criticisms like that Because they're hollow Give me some meat, some red meat

Which by the way Scott If that is your name Your comment actually did have some meat At least you tried to give me some actual criticism. You failed and a lot of it. But you actually tried to give me some criticism. That's why I don't respond to bullshit-ass comments from people who call me fucking retard. What am I supposed to say to that?

That's your opinion, dude. Great. Next caller. What else am I supposed to do? I don't know. Let's try it right now and see what happens. Great. Hey, dick, Masterson.

You must have a lot of dicks in your mouth because you sound like the biggest post of you in the universe. I think you're a pussy because you didn't want to defend, you know, freedom of speech. Yeah, that's what I'm against. A guy who's been banned from the internet. Maybe you should go back to France or your pussy ass is from. Go back to France. Did you hear that? Yeah.

So are we not supposed to make fun of that guy's voice? We're supposed to respond to his criticisms of me being of the, biggest pussy in the universe? Yeah, that's a good point. That's exactly what I was getting his voice was kind of funny. His voice is hilarious. He sounds like he's asleep or on like, what's, what is the, what's the tranquilizer? Methadone. Is that? What do you want, how high do you want to get? Tell me that. Yeah. What kind of high are you looking for? Like that kind of high. He sounds like a Benadryl, high maybe. Vicodin, yeah. Yeah. I can make fun of that guy's voice the rest of this episode. Yeah, I think you, you focus a lot on, on, you know, stats and shit like that, though. You do,

You do like your stats. Yeah. It's the only, literally the only evidence that we have to back up our point. And the guy, some guy was backing up your argument last time, too. What argument? Exactly. Exactly. He was saying, well, man, Alex, you rely too much on stats where people can doctor information

and come to any conclusion they want. Yeah, Dick. But guess what? If you discredit all studies, then we have nothing. Progress stops. We're just going to go back to fucking living in caves. Like monkeys. Vot on monkeys!

You are so passionate about these studies and horseshit. Yeah, Dick. I just, you know, I just want to end on this quote. Look, you're trying, Scott, but I'm sorry. Why? I guess he didn't put enough things. You didn't get the evidence in there that you needed to. He almost made it.

No, he made an effort. He gave it a good college try. What could he have had in there? I'll tell you. See, this is why I feel like I can debate myself, and it comes down to... Everyone wishes you just would debate yourself. Is that a more verbose way of telling me to fuck off? Go fuck myself.

Listen to the stick. You know, on Facebook, they have this section for quotes and whatever. I don't, I fucking hate quotes most of the time. I keep a handful of them around because some of them are good. This is one quote I happen to really, really like, and I like to think about it all the time. It's from Aristotle. It says, it is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it. And I wish more of our listeners would fucking do that every now and then.

Oh, I think our listeners are pretty sharp. They're funny. They're really funny. Oh, they're funny. You've got to be smart to be funny. I think that's true. Yeah, I'm not sure that some of them... You've got to be able to hold it all in your head to make a joke,

to see the whole tapestry of life, and to point out something that's unique and interesting. Yeah, I'll give you that. We got some smart and funny listeners. Oh, yeah. Some real dumb shits, too, though. Well... Real morons.

Real apes. Real numnuts. Real dullards. You're done? A couple knuckle-dragers. So you're asking people to vote against the... themselves in this problem? Mouth breathing.

Dumb shit, Neanderthal Luddites. Fucking tool bags. They're tool factories. That's what they are. The entire factory of tools. That's what our listeners are. A big fucking Costco of tools. Just tools falling off the shelves. Tripping over your tools, they're tripping over themselves.

Wow. So Scott really got under your skin, I guess. This guy, you printed it out, you've been thinking about it for a week. Oh, no. dedicated 15 minutes to talking about it. Dick, my problem is lesser minds, and Scott's not the least of the lesser minds. He's just one of them. He sounds pretty smart.

He tried. He gave it a call. Oh, so you asked me what would be a better criticism of me? What could he have done? Well, I would have to go back and listen to my own episode and see what holes I could poke in my own argument, which, by the way, it's easy to do. Very few people rarely poke holes in my argument in a cogent way.

They're always just trying to attack me. personally by calling me, you know, a dickhead or an ass face or a dip shit or a bald motherfucker with a big nose. Like, these are things that the people say, but I don't give a shit. Like, that's not criticism with me. No, I'm with you there. When I get like a hate mail or something on Twitter, I just went through like six pages of girls calling me, you know, every name in the book on Twitter.

I'm always like, come on, you can do better than that. Like, you've got to really dig. Make me feel something. You know, give me what I want. Make me. anything. Make me feel bad. Yeah. You've got to dig way deeper than that. I've been getting debt threads

since 1995 or 1996. Like step up your game. My mom wishes AIDS upon me. What do you got? Huh? You think you're going to beat my fucking mom? Get the fuck out of here. She's the pro at making me feel like shit. She's the expert. She's been doing her whole life. She's been doing it since

I was born. You got nothing on me, buddy. And I can do it way better than you. I am my own worst enemy. Oh, you should get in my head, battle my demons. No, no thank you. All right. That's my problem, Dick. Lesser minds. All right. My problem is way worse. Okay. Hangovers. Oh, okay. Happy New Year, buddy. Yeah, happy New Year to you, Dick. Hangovers. I'm still hungover. I can tell. Yeah. This is a long one.

This is a long hangover. Dick, it's been three days. Yeah. I'm still feeling really hanging. I think I broke my brain. Like, I think about it in like Star Trek terms or whatever. I think, I think I lowered all the shields and now it's just raw brain being exposed. Yeah. So I feel like it's just chipping away at the brain, the gray matter. Yeah, you might want to get Lieutenant Jordy on that. Yeah, I don't know if there's any stats. That's how the brain works or whatever, but that's how it feels like to me.

So I did find a study you might find interesting. A study on your hangovers? On hangovers. No, I have I also put together stats on my hangovers. Great. Yeah. The average British person spends a... a year of their life hung over.

According to this study, 315 days spent battling nausea and sickness and whatever and headaches. That's more than an average. That's what? How many... It's an entire year. Yeah, that's an entire year. But how many days per year is that?

365. What do you mean? How many days per... No, cumulatively. Cumulatively. Over their lives. So, you... So if you...

I think it was... I think it was... just do the math. It was like the outliers were like some people would have 3,000 hangovers in their lifetime. Yeah, that's five days per year of their life if they live 70 years old.

Five days of year of their life. Well, but it was only, the survey was between 20 and 65. Oh, wow, that's even... So you had about 45 years. What's 315 into 45? That's how many days? It's... And this is the average person.

Seven days out of the year, they spend completely hungover. That's an entire work week. That's the average person. The outliers were 3,000 hangovers in life. That's five years. Holy shit, that's cool. Yeah, so the cooler you are, if you're a cool guy,

that's five years of your life spent with a hangover. Those are some fun dudes, man. This is in the UK? Yeah. That's where I'm going. They know how to fucking drink over there, buddy. You've been to London, right? Yes, I have.

It's great. One of the best drinking towns there, and Budapest is incredible. Prague is cool, but yeah, man, they drink over there, and they go on pub crawls, and they don't give a shit, because they got subways, and everyone's just jolly all the time. Well, I have no reason to believe it's different over here. If we're just speaking, like, numbers-wise, a year of your life, that sounds about normal for anywhere in the civilized world.

A year of your life? Yeah, total. Over your entire lifetime, a year is spent hungover. Like, 315 days spent hungover, whatever the number you said, what was that, seven a year? Seven a year, yeah. That seems even low to me, but. but, you know, look who you're asking.

Yeah. It seems like everyone spends a year of their life. Hungover is shit. It's a big problem. I can count on one hand the number of times I've been hung over. Well, nope, two. I've been hungover, I think about seven times in my life. Are you serious?

Yeah, I rarely ever get hangovers. I'm just awesome as shit. So let's take the average just between us then. You've had seven hangovers? Yeah. All right, I did the math on mine. That's because I was interested to see how it lined up with Britain. Hey, yeah, by the way, Dick, I learned a new phrase recently.

Like, if you have a hangover, but you also hooked up with someone, the next day it's called a bangover. Have you heard that one before? That's cute. No, I haven't heard that before. You just learned that phrase recently. It's pretty good. Yeah. So, I have a lot of bangovers.

I would, really, when was your last, did you have a bangover under your Eve? I mean, I don't know, what time is it? I think I'm on a bang over right now. Really? Maybe. You want to talk about it? Oh, dude. You just want to bring it up a little bit and not talk about it?

You just want to brag about it, but you don't want to talk about it? I'll give you just the tip. Okay. Thank you for that. All right. What are your stats? What are your stats? Oh, mine.

I would say I get a hangover every three days. That's about right, actually. Yeah. So that's 125 days a year. Right? Yeah. But then I calculated it out to just five hours worth of hangover out of that day, from like 10 to like two. Does that sound right?

10 to 2. Maybe 6. 10 to 6, okay. And that's if you amortize the time over the course of what, all the hours in a week? Yeah, because this study just did the whole day. I'm like, I can function after like 2 or 3. Sure. Right? So if we go with 6.

Debatable, but yes. Well, I mean, you know, let's not, like Scott said, let's not get too bogged down in the specifics of the stats, all right? So what's 6 times 125? What was it? 750? You got a good calculator on you? I sure do. So what's 750 times 45 years of that?

33,750. Wow, that's a lot of days. That's a lot of time. Oh, divided by 24 for days. Oh, okay. That's 1,406 days. 1,406 days. And a quarter of a day, so it's plus eight hours.

That's like three years. Yeah, three years. Wait, here, I can tell you exactly how many years. That's three years. 3.85 years, almost 4 years, you spend of your life hungover. So on average, let's do our two averages. That's 1.8 years that you and I spend hungover. That's what we got a problem.

Don't we? Don't let me into this, dude, with my seven days in a line. Somebody is not pulling their weight. Yeah, you better, look, according to these stats, I'm an expert on being a hungover. Because I have over 10,000 hours of doing it. I'm like a concert pianist of being hung over. Dick, I don't think they call alcoholism expertise. Well, you're not... It's a marketing problem.

Yeah, no, it's definitely like a psychological problem, I think. Here's what this study said. Here's what people are missing because they're hung over, okay? That's why it's a big problem. Yeah. One in every 13 people surveyed said they missed a first date because they were too hung over. Oh, that's hilarious. Yeah.

One in ten said they missed a job in. That's pretty bad. Wow. 8% of people surveyed admitted they had missed a wedding thanks to a hangover. Yes. And 6% said they missed a funeral.

You know, that's the one understandable one on that list. If you're depressed and you're just drinking, like, I get it. You're too hung over to go to fucking wake. Yeah, yeah. What are you going to do when you're there anyway, man? Just drink more.

Just console loved ones. You know, no big deal. You know, my funeral's going to be fun. I'll talk about that another episode. What is your funeral? going to be. Oh, I'm going to have a nacho dish in my bowl, in my stomach. I'm going to have my stomach emptied out. And your excavated

stomach, like a mummy? Yes. And I'm going to have, I'm going to have bikini dancers, like, you know, like the Hawaiian dancers. Sure, like a luau. A luau. Yeah, it's going to be like a luau. A funeral. Yeah, it's going to be fun. And I'm going to have a, probably a mariachi band or some tiki music going

at all times. Plus, I'm going to have myself with a little voice box inside with red flashing eyes. And anytime it, as someone walks by, kind of like those motion detection lights that come on automatically, it'll play a tape that says, thank you for coming to my wake. Right. So like a goreish nightmare.

No. No, it's going to be fun. Just imagine, like, because while people are standing around morning after me, I want them to be able to... Wait a minute, who are these people? Okay. All right. You know what, Dick, I imagine I'm going to have a few people at my funeral if they can find enough pieces of my body parts that will instruct me.

They'll all be lesser minds, I guess. I don't know if they'll get this, the subtle nuances of your funeral. theme, like the mariachi and the stomach chips. Yeah. What's a... You're shitting on my fucking funeral. I... How's this fucking fair, man?

Look, it's my funeral, that's why I want it. That's why I want people eat chips. I want them to be happy when they're standing around crying after me. Is that really... Is this your funeral fantasy? I would love... Yes. I want there to be chips and salsa.

Sorry, go ahead. Yeah, chips and salsa in my stomach with Glock. And, you know, give people to... Give people something to do while they're mourning. I would have... figured you for one of these assholes that wants to get shot into space or something, so aliens could find you or resurrect you

or some stupid god complex thing? I do have alternates, and that is one of them. Okay, what else? Yeah, cryogenically frozen is another one. So you can be brought back to life? Yes. I imagine the second I die, I'll immediately get resurrected in like the year 38, 38, 300, 3,000, something like that.

And then the other one is to be launched out of a cannon into a brick wall, which if I live to the right age of 60, I imagine that's about when I'll concede. Of a heart attack? No, not from a heart attack. Being launched into cannon into a brick wall. You mean you'll do it while you're alive?

Yeah, man. Just to check out, like Soiling Green style? Like, I'm done. Peace out, everyone. That'll be my last update. Peace out. Right into a fucking wall. I can't wait.

Or into the sun. Like I said a long time ago, old people should be launched into the sun. I'm not a hypocrite. When I get to that age, you know, if my functions declined to the point where I can't, I'm senile, I can't control myself, I'm shit and pissing myself all the time, fuck it, I'm going to the sun.

You're launching yourself into the sun. Yeah, doing everyone a favor. It'd be expensive. I don't give a shit, I'm not putting the bill. Can we just tell you we're launching you into the sun and then just throw you in the garbage? At least make it an incinerator, so it feels like the sun. You know, and by the way, I want there to be a transparent glass on the coffin or whatever capsule I'm in, so you can see me banging.

Ah! I change my mind! Would that be hilarious? Oh, man. My skin's melting up. Okay. Anyway, Dick, what's your problem? Hangovers.

It's hangovers. All right, Dick, is that a... People are missing out on romance and jobs and shit. I guess it's a big problem, Dick. I'm not going to shit on this problem. There's no cure for it, Maddox. Oh, really? Because I might have one is my next problem, Dick.

You have a cure for a hangover? Maybe. No, no, no, no, no. Everyone always says they do, but I'm an expert. There's no cure. There's no cure. Actually, you know why I don't get a lot of hangovers dick? Because you're a liar.

No, this is my theory. Either I get them and I don't feel them. But I believe it has to do with the amount of nutrients in your body. So you remember they made this chaser pill a while back? It was this pill you're supposed to take before you start drinking the night before, and you supposedly don't get a hangover. So I took a couple of those pills one time, and I thought it actually worked. I didn't get a hangover the next day because I drank very heavily.

And I looked inside the ingredients and it was a whole bunch of like vitamin B12 and ginseng, and a bunch of all the bullshit. But it's mostly B12. And that's all it is. If you have a lot of B12 in your body, you'll be less susceptible to hangovers the next day. My friend gets a shot of B12 in his ass when he gets really hungover. Yeah. See, that's all it is. He says it works, but I don't know.

I don't buy it. I don't buy hangover gears. I think so because I rarely ever get hangovers and I have a nutritional surplus. My dad says that though Yeah like he always says that he never gets hangovers He says he's only been hung over twice And both of them with me Yep

Yep I've only blacked out four times Four or five times while drinking in my life Four of them have been with you Dick And I think two or three out of the seven hangovers I've had were also with you But yeah your dad's a smart guy I believe him

That's the event horizon of my alcoholism You passed too close to the black hole It's sucked in Yeah All right Dick good problem Pretty good problem, I agree. It's worse than slacktivists. What's more annoying?

A year of your life spent with a hangover or just not, or Facebook? Or a lifetime of shitheads on Facebook telling you to click like on whatever stupid bullshit cause that they want you to support each week. I think slacktivists. But you know what, Dick? Hangovers are a problem. I agree. Go ahead.

Yeah. But there might be a solution to this, Dick. And maybe not. I don't know. My problem this week, my second problem is detail. detox diets. Oh. Yeah.

Yeah. So this is a solution that's touted as for hangovers and many other things. But according to NBC News, experts say that there's little evidence that extreme regimens such as the master cleanse or fruit flush do anything more than lead to unpleasant, unhealthy side effects. Like, oh, I don't know, diarrhea. Constant diarrhea. Do you guys know what detox cleanses are?

By the way, before I get ahead of myself, you guys know what this is? I just, it's like a weird diet where you just eat juices or olive oil or something. That's all I know about it. Yeah. It's a very restrictive diet. Yeah, basically, there's starvation diets. This is from NBC News. They say these super restrictive eating plans are hotter than ever,

thanks to being linked to lanky celebrities, including Gwyneth Paltrow and Angelina Jolie. Beyonce attributed her 20-pound weight loss for the movie Dreamgirls to the Master Cleanz, a starvation diet whose adherents swallow nothing but a concoction of lemon juice mixed with maple syrup, water, and cayenne pepper, as well as salt water and a laxative tea for 10 days. That same friend who does the B12 does this shit. Oh, no, really?

Yeah, that's what you were starting to sound like that with your charcoal thing and your nutrients thing. I didn't want to say it. What charcoal? Oh, no. Charcoal pills or your hangover pills. Chaser. Chaser, is what it's called.

Yeah, it's just B12. I mean, it says vitamins, man. But yeah, this fucking horse shit, I know so many people, I don't know if this is just a side effect of knowing people who live in California. But there's so many people who do this all the time, and they damage themselves. Or, at best, it has no effect other than they lose some temporary weight.

And at worst, they damage their kidneys. Here's some of the problems with these cleanses, these detox cleanses, right? Vitamin deficiencies, muscle breakdown, and blood sugar problems, not to mention frequent liquid bowel movements. These diets can upset blood sugar levels, potassium and sodium levels in the body. people with diabetes or heart or kidney disease or women who are pregnant are especially vulnerable, which I'm okay with the last one. Yeah. I'm surprised you're not okay with all of this. Yeah, well, it's idiots putting shit in their body to make themselves sick. Fuck them.

Yeah, but I wish they weren't idiots. I wish they would just do a little bit of research, you know, have a steak, shut the fuck up. That's what these people need to do. That's the solution to the detox diets. Next thing you're going to be saying that smoking is a problem. It's coming. It's coming, buddy. Long-term fasts lead to muscle breakdown and a shortage of many needed nutrients, says Lona Sandin, a Dallas dietitian and spokesperson for the American Dietetic Association. Depriving the body of the vitamins and minerals we get from food can actually weaken the body's abilities, fight infections and inflammation, she says.

So these dipshits, these morons who are doing these diet detoxes, right? These detox cleanses. Right. These are the same people who a lot of time adhere to other stuff. celebrity horseshit like, I don't know, anti-vaxxer? Right. Yeah? So they're weakening their immune system, not getting vaccinations,

getting more diseases, and then spreading them around in a perpetual cycle of idiocy and lesser minds. Hmm. You're building a real, you're weaving a real rich tapestry of celebrity worship here. Yep, yep, it's all related, man. There's a quote from a doctor, Nasser Maloo. He says, and by attempting to flush out the bad stuff from your intestines, you're also flushing out good gut bacteria that helps the intestines stay healthy.

Yeah, you know what I found out about gut bacteria too? What's that? Well, a couple things. It changes your mood. Yeah. Your gut bacteria, so if your gut bacteria is offset, they did this thing with mice where they took gut bacteria from asshole mice

and put them in regular mice, and the regular mice turned into assholes. Yeah. This is a real study. Oh, yeah, I saw that. And also NPR talked about this, too. if you eat just one type of food all the time, it changes your mood.

It changes the way you think. Your actual physiology, your mind physiology changes based on what you eat. You know what you should do? I'm going to bring this in as a solution for the bonus episode. You should sell your gut bacteria to fix all these lesser minds that you keep complaining. Oh, man. Like Maddox-style microbes. A billion little Maddox is swimming around in your stomach.

See, I don't know. I don't know if people could withstand my gut bacteria. My gut bacteria is fighters. They're all fighters, man. It's like unleashing World War III in your gut. Because you remember our hot sauce challenge? We both drank that shit. I had no problem.

I just went right to sleep when I got home. You called me up. You're like, Maddox, I'm never doing this again. I'm never doing that again. It was awful. I felt like I got a football of vinegar in my stomach. Yeah, I don't know, man. I just went home, rubbed one out,

and played some video games, and I went to sleep. Hmm. In that order? No, I played video games then rubbed one out. Yeah. That makes more sense. Went to sleep, rubbedone out Played video games

Went to sleep again Rubbedone out I also read that If you live with someone Your gut bacteria starts getting Like intertwined Like mixed up I don't know if that's true

But that's what I read Well it depends on how much you French kiss I think Is that true? No I don't know That's just conjecture Oh I imagine

Because how else could you get Someone else's gut bacteria Into your stomach Unless you're making out With their tonsils I don't know Yeah That's a gross thought

Or if you're into like Spitting That's pretty gross. Well, yeah, maybe or you eat the same things. You start eating the same things, and you're in the same environment, and it changes your stomachs. That actually is probably pretty. Probably much smarter than what you said.

What? French kissing? Come on. Doctors did a study on French kissing. So, Dick, a lot of times these people who do these detox diets are doing it to lose weight. But they said that while people can lose 5 to 10% of their weight in the first few months of a diet, up to two-thirds of the people regain even more weight than they lost within four to five years, researchers found. Yeah. And then finally from NPR, actually there's one more source after this,

but NPR says, the body has its own amazing detoxification system, the liver and kidneys, says Ranit Mishori, a faculty member of the family medicine at Georgetown University School of Medicine who has reviewed the medical literature on colon cleanses. Unless there's a blockage in one of these organs that do it day and night, there's absolutely no need to help the body get rid of toxins.

Which, by the way, what are all these fucking toxins we've accumulated in our body? It seems like some mystic mumbo-jumbo. When they say toxins, I imagine something like from the movie Spirited Away, or Princess Mononoke, where it's like this dark sludge. Those worms? Yeah, those like wormy, dark sludge things that climb through forests. I think that people who are trying to rid themselves of toxins, visualize those toxins as these black sludges that are climbing through their bodies. Sure. What else are toxins?

What are those? I have no idea. No one does. No one does. No one does. No one does. There is our free radicals, but I don't know what they are. I know that like when you get a massage, they always say you got to drink water and sweat to get the toxins out of your body.

But I have no. Like I know there's a thing called lactic acid that makes your muscles sore. Sure. So I assume maybe there's other things like that. But that's not something that's foreign to your body. That's something your body produces and those aren't necessary. Those you're. Any toxin.

Any toxin that your body produces, like, say, I don't know, pee or poo, is something that your body already has a mechanism with dealing with. It's called your asshole or pee hole. What about boogers? You've got to pick them out. No, not always. They don't come out on their own. You know what I found. If you eat enough spicy food, they'll just run all over your mouth.

Great. You get a big drizzle. That's how your body protects itself, man. And by the way, you don't need to get rid of boogers. Your boogers are there to collect bacteria and spores and other shit that you're not supposed to swallow. Quotable quote. You don't need to get rid of your boogers. Maddox, put that on your Facebook quote.

Look, man, if you leave them alone long enough, they'll get big enough and they'll fall out on their own. Oh, God. That's a fact. That's a fact. Here's another, here's my final source from Alternet. It says some websites claim you will actually excrete up to 2,000 gallstones with this flush. As it turns out, you won't excrete gallstones at all, although the flush will cause you to excrete what looks like little green stones.

And they're talking about this, uh, what? Yeah, this green fruit flush. What does excrete mean? Where are these little emeralds coming out of me? Presumably your butt or your pee hole. So what are they? It's a big difference. Yeah.

Oh, this is... Hey man, not on chicks. That's like a quarter of an inch difference. Come on. So they're saying this is a diet cleanse that they were talking about that requires you to drink like gallons of olive oil and I don't know, like green. Yeah, that's a lot I've heard of too. Yeah, it's a bunch of bullshit. So what are they?

Seponified olive oil answers clinical herbalist, Rosalie Dilla Foray. Remember that you just drank a large amount of olive oil and lemon juice, and it has to come out the other end. The olive oil actually turns into soap inside your body. The soap absorbs bile, turning it green, although it's been shown that when someone drinks red dye along with their liver-flush mixture, the stones will be red on the inside. So these morons are just swallowing gallons of olive oil and lemon, and it just turns into soap inside your stomach. That's what you're excreting, you dumb shits. It's not gallstones, you fucking morons?

So they could just be shitting in their designer soap dishes? Yeah. Is that the solution? Yeah. You get all these bored housewives guzzling soap and shitting designer's soap, guzzling oil and shitting out designer's soap? Yeah, there you go, idiot. The soap that you can't use?

Yeah, soap that you can't use. If we're going to recycle, let's get serious. Yeah. Yeah. And by the way, when you drink large quantities of oil or eat a large quantity of oily food, that does shit to your colon. you can't keep it in. It just kind of leaks out.

You remember that Xenical? I think it was Xenacal or what's the, there was some like Fenn Fenn or some diet pill that you took that basically there was this class of diet pills that came out in the mid-90s that made it so that your body would not absorb oil. And you leak it out your assail. Yeah. What happens is...

It was a chip. It was Olestra. Wasn't it? Yeah. Was that the one? I think it was. Olin was a trade name. And O'Lestra was a substance.

I love how they show a guy in a commercial floating down a river in an inner tube. Because that's about the only way you're safe. Yeah. That stuff, you'd step off a high curb and shit yourself. And by the way, you're going to leave an oil slick behind you, too. I actually have this clip from my own website from a long time ago. This is from, I believe, is, oh, it was Zanacal or Celebrics?

Listen to this. You may experience gas with oily discharge. Increase bowel movements, an urgent need to have them and an inability to control them. Hey, that could apply to hangovers, too. To be fair. Yeah, to be fair. Yeah, so this is what you're doing to yourself by taking all these cleanses that don't do anything. And you're essentially producing soap in your bowels, you dumbasses.

Well, the body is not like a carburetor, right? Like, it's not like a mechanical thing that we made. It's, uh, it can't be, it doesn't need that kind of cleaning. It doesn't need a tune up, right? Doesn't need a tune up. No, don't, you don't need an enema. No. You don't need a flush.

Your body doesn't leave big hunks of shit in its colon. You shitted out, guys. Yeah, like cavemen are going around. It's like, well, dad got too full of shit. We had to leave him behind. Too slow. You had all this poop and his bowels. Got a bunch of turds up there.

Not a very good design. No, no. That's why we need cleanses. We need colon. And we survived tens of thousands of years without colon cleanses and diet detoxes. Yeah. Just fine.

And now suddenly, because Beyonce and fucking Gwyneth Paltrow is getting her ass flushed with oil. And it's kind of related to these oil pullers. Have you heard of this, Dick? Oil pullers? Oil pulling, yeah. Do you know what this is? Sounds like jerking off. What is it? Yeah, it is. It's a big jerk off that you do in your mouth. What people do

is, there's this big trend. Jesus Christ. It is, man. Wait a, why do you hear this? This was big on Huffington Post. This was big on Huffington Post and a lot of, like, women's website, like Gawker and all that shit. They were talking about this thing that people do. It's related to diet detoxes, but it's oil pulling. And what they do is every morning they wake up

and they put a spoonful of coconut oil in their mouth and they swish it around for 20 minutes. And it's supposed to, of course, leach toxins from your mouth and your body and whatever. It's supposed to make your teeth wider and this and that. But there is no evidence. People have found in studies that if you do an oil pull with coconut oil, or you do an oil pull, say with just water, so just a water pole. It has about the same effect because you're swishing around your mouth some liquid for 20 minutes and of course it's going to get rid of some of the gunk

in your mouth. That's weird. Yeah. Do they just want the taste of coconut in their mouth all day? Or... Do they brush their teeth? Do we just do that? Yeah, brushing your teeth also works guys. But they found they think that because when you put say like a clove of garlic

into olive oil, the garlic kind of saps the flavor of the garlic, right? So they think the same theory applies to your teeth. So you're basically marinating your mouth with coconut oil that you spit out every day and it's supposed to make your teeth wider or something. I don't know, man.

Do you remember the guy that turned himself into a smurf? Someone was telling me about this. I think it was you. Oh, God, it's the funniest thing. Anytime any of these like bullshit detox things comes up, Sean, you remember this guy. Yeah, he took like a bunch of silver or something like that. He thought silver.

He's fucking blue. For life, he's blue. He's blue, and he has a big white beard and, like, a big white, like, pompadour or whatever. He looks like Papa Smurf. Like, he's blue as a smurf, dude. It looks crazy. Look it up. I will, but you know what's kind of cool about that dick is if he starts some for-play with a chick and she changes her mind?

You can't really tell if he's got blue balls. Oh, wow. Yeah. That's what I got? Whatever. Do you have another problem, Dick? What do you got? No, it's getting too long.

I do want to read some stuff. of this cuss control book though yeah so for those who don't remember if you haven't listened to the last episode uh lorry lorry foster and megan panic sent us some christmas gifts and one of them was this book called cuss control about how to curb your your cursing way back when i brought in too much swearing as a problem yeah uh and this was my this was my source of information the cuss control books they sent it in it's the greatest and funniest book i've only read two paragraphs in it and i've already laughed hysterically twice. I can't say that for any other book I've ever read.

Let me read you something out of the chapter called Ways to Avoid Anger. Presumably, being angry causes swearing. I don't know, man. I swear when I'm happy to. Well, you know, I don't know. This is just why it's in the book. That's why it's in the book. So number two, this is a way you can avoid anger.

If what you heard is true, decide if anger. is the right reaction. Okay. Because anger is one of those things that you decide beforehand. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, decide if it's the right reaction, right? Like, is this, are you the Incredible Hulk? Do you need to get angry so you can save the Earth

from an invading alien species? Maybe. Here's the flowchart. Step number one was get the facts before you get mad. Sure. So now we're on step number two. That's what mad people do is they stop and think about it, and then they get the facts.

They try to help you out here. Here's the scenario. Decide if anger is the right reaction. If your daughter was drinking when she totaled the car, your anger might scare her into never doing it again. But did you tell her that you are glad she didn't get hurt? Your boyfriend did kiss another girl, but will he want to salvage his relationship with you if you threaten to castrate him?

That's what he goes to. Yeah, that was the first thought. That's the first thought. It's like, I'm going to cut your dick off. You thought you did a good job on that project. but now that you have the boss's perspective, can you make it better? Disasters do happen,

but look at each occurrence to determine if it really qualifies as a disaster. So that was it. That was a drunk driving accident. You want to cut your boyfriend's dick off. And did you do a good job at work? Yeah, real even keeled. I like his examples.

Yeah. Of castration. You can get, here's forget anger and go for the laughs. You can get bogged down struggling to control your anger. A different or supplemental approach is to find the humor in annoying situations while they are happening. So this would be good for you. Yeah, I don't think so. Well, when you do something clumsy and others laugh, laugh with them rather than be incensed.

Who is this for? Guys are tripping and just immediately blowing their stacks. People laugh at them. So now when they fall over or spill something, they're just going, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. I think it's funny too! I feel! Hey, look at me, everyone, I'm an idiot. Who the fuck is it?

He wrote this for cartoon characters. It's the best book ever. It's for Donald Duck. The whole book is like it. It's great. And they're good tips. They're good tips. I don't want to only mock it. What's a good tip that they have in that book?

Do you have any? Let me see. Off color humor can ease tension or cause it. Oh, wait a minute. I thought it was going to be. a good tip. I mean, that's true. It can ease tension amongst racists or cause it amongst non-racists. I'm looking for one. Communicate more

clearly. What does it mean to say something looks like shit? I remember, this is how not to cuss. Yeah. So what does it really mean to say something looks like shit? I know exactly what that means. Suppose you were talking about a house. Is it brown, poorly designed? In need of paint and disrepair? If you refer to someone as an asshole, will others know what you mean?

Yes. Exactly. Most definitely yes. Hey, what do you guys think of Randy? He's an asshole. Is really? No, no, he's a fucking asshole. Wait, wait.

Do you mean he's a puckered up piece of the body that excretes soap sometimes? Fucking asshole, he'd be unpuckered because he'd be getting fucked. Oh, a fucking asshole. I'm just being, you know, some literal, like the book, intense. All right. What are our problems? So our problems this week, Dick, mine were lesser minds and detox diets.

Mine was a hangovers. Oh, I got some fan art too. Do you want to see that? Yeah, I keep me need to bring it in. And we'll be posting this on the website, guys. Any fan art we get and... It's the biggest problem in the universe. Tactical problem solving, I think it's this.

Metal Gear Solid. Oh, I saw that. Do you remember this one? I do, yeah. Take a good look at that. Yeah, I see that. The guy drew me as a chick. which pisses me off.

Pretty cool. I got guns. I look like a spy of some sort. He's got fuckery on the box. That's funny. You got a monkey over here, though. You like that? Oh, yeah, he drew that little monkey in there.

Look, guys, you guys didn't think that snakes were a problem. You don't think that monkeys are a problem. It's all going to come back and bite you right in the ass. You'll see. One of these days. There you have it. Anyway, guys, that's our problem this week. Those are our problems, rather.

And don't forget the live show is coming up. It's going to be online. You'll all be able to see it. It's awesome. And again, vote for the problems on the biggest problem in the universe.com. I'm Maddox. Thanks for listening. Thanks, guys.

I've been here. You fucking what the biggest problem is. Yes, this is me calling from Ireland. But this is pre-hanging over when I'm drunk. The biggest problem is people falling asleep when they're fucking drunk. I'm not being able to handle alcohol. I'm saying they'll do something. Like, let's say, make a pizza,

and they become completely unresponsive. You have to make your own pizza and end up making a mess. I'm good, right, guys. I'll be here. Fuck off. You end up making a mess. Yeah. When he tried to make a pizza drunk?

Yeah. Well? Hey, this is Pallilo from the second biggest problem in the universe, or second biggest best page, fuck in there. Yeah, I love those. I love those. This guy trying to call up and call me retarded three times. and he fucked up the voicemail every time.

I got to bring them all in next week. That's hilarious. Yeah, let's play a big string of just fan fuck-ups. Do a whole episode of that.