The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 35

Episode Date: May 11, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe. I'm Maddox with me, Dick Masterson. What's up, buddy? How's it going? Great. And Sean, our audio engineer. Morning psychopaths? Yeah. Oh, that's a net to anyone. Somebody in the comments said that you should have a fedora and just say,

my lady for your greeting. Yeah, when we have some more ladies on the show, which will be never, because you, uh... One of you got drawn as one the other week. Yeah, that was me. Oh, yeah, that was great. That was me. You know, the guy who runs the biggest Metal Gear Solid fan site on Facebook, who's been contacted by Konami and everything.

He sent me an updated version. He made me as Big Boss. I don't know what that means. Yeah, of course not, Dick. Because you don't play cool-ass video games. Oh, Big Boss. He's like the big... The bad guy of Metal Gear Solid.

So the picture of us that was drawn, what was I? I was a man shooting guns. And you were a woman. What characters were we? I forget. I'm not sure... Because there were multiple women in the Metal Gear series. probably the woman from the first, or the second one,

when they did that big 3D PlayStation release? Okay, so who's solid snake? I forget her name. Who is solid snake? Solid snake is the main guy. Is that me? I don't know. In the picture? You're not a solid snake.

All right. I don't care about video games, but I do care about is who won last week. Dick, nobody won. However, the ones, the problems that got the most votes were lesser minds. Huh? That's, yeah. It's not a surprise that people voting on the internet,

think they're better than everyone else. No, it's not about that. That's basically what that is. It's about sound arguments and detox diets. Those are my two problems. Oh, thank you. Thank you, audience. My two problems trounced hangovers.

Hangovers came in dead last. So a lot of people thought that hangovers were a problem because they personally related to it. It's like, oh, yeah, I don't like hangovers. But if you think about it in the grand scheme of things, what is the biggest problem? Hangovers. Yeah. No, it's not. Oh, it's lesser minds.

It's, everyone thinks they're better than everyone else. Dick, it's not about that. Lesser minds cause problems, as we'll see in today's episode. Yeah, but it's subjective to you. Like, you're the one determining who the lesser minds are. Isn't that a little... No, it's not, Dick. A lesser mind, you can be objective about that.

Certain people who do and say dumb things, I think, can be objectively considered stupid. Okay. Right? Stupid is as stupid does. That's what you're saying? No, not at all. I'm not quoting a movie dick So I don't think that this show's a contest

It never has been It creates an adversarial atmosphere However a fan did send this in He wanted me to play it for when Quote I won Which I don't win Is this a song? It's a song

He made this It's won Very angry I'm sorry This song is kind of long. It's about as long as yours, man. There you go. That's a cool song.

Yeah, that's kind of cool. Who wrote it? Yeah, the guy's name is Nicholas. It's just Nick. He sent that in a couple of weeks ago, and he asked me to play it on the air. Overmortal. And then you finally won.

Dick, no one wins on the show. It's not a contest. All right, all right. So speaking of songs, there was some debate over what the chords were for the Maddox Law song in the comments. It's CGA minor F. Yeah, I noticed someone put the,

the chords as they interpreted them in the comments. I guess that why is this even a thing? Why do people care? Because people want to play it, I think. So cover it and send it in. I'll play it. Oh great guys. I'll play it. You know what? I'm going to play your song, Dick. I'll bring in a cover. Next week I'll bring in a cover. Regardless of who quote won, no one wins on the show. But, except for me. I have a comment from Kelly Pigeon. This is an email she sent.

She said, since Dick is a giant pussy and you're an ass and you're an asshole, Sean is the dick that fucked you both when he deleted the podcast. Oh, I have a voicemail about that. Yeah. I think, I'm starting to think all these calls from 2004 are a joke, and they're not real. But I do have one from Sean from

2004. Oh. Hello. I'm Sean from 2004. I don't delete episodes. That's it. It's concise. That's a good voicemail. This fucking thing is never going to die. Sean, it's part of the fabric that makes this show now. That's It's just one quilt.

You know, I actually like it. I'm glad it created so much content. Oh, that's great, Sean. It's part of it. And by the way, Sean, this is totally unrelated to our show, but I was listening to the Adam Kroll Show a while back. You know one of his engineers is Bald Brian, right? Yeah.

Sounds so much like Sean. I was listening to Bald Brian, and I'm like, wow, that sounds a lot like Sean. We all sound the same. Yeah. Life has fucking crushed us all. All right, Dick. Here's a call from a fan favorite. You might remember this caller. Good day to you, boys, Vistibano.

I heard your last episode and figured I'd call in and tell you me New Year's resolution. Great. Resolution B, never play guitar again. That should be an easy one to keep. Now, for the record, boys, the media twisted up the story in the accident. You see? You know what he's talking about, right? Bono got nailed by like a car or something?

He fell off his bike or something stupid. He fell off a bike. He probably so busy singing beautifully to himself. He crashed his bike and like really fucked himself up. I explained this like five episodes ago. You mentioned it. Biggest solution in the universe, bicycles, huh? They took Bono's shitty playing off the earth.

You're welcome, everyone. That's what Bono's talking about here when he called in. Yeah, let's hear the rest of it. I wasn't just out for aroid, like they say. I was being pursued by a couple of kids after me pot of goals. I made a sharp turn And ended up in a pool Of my own blood and marshmallows

My kids made off with me loot But now I walk the streets of that vengeance So that's the real story I don't know why anyone Will believe the other one Finally Now that me as a career Is more fucked than a Scottish sheep farm

I don't know off of what to do with myself I'd like to know more About shunny boys churning his ass farm that sounds like something old Bono could really sink his teeth into. Until next on, fellas, may the wind always be at your back, and dick, go fuck yourself. I don't think that's an Irish saying. What's the phrase he used? He said, more fuck than a Scottish sheep farm.

Oh, that's a lot of fucked. Wow, great voice. I didn't know, so as much as we shit on Bono on the show, I didn't know he was such a big fan. Thanks again for calling in Bono. Yeah, apparently while he's recovering, he's probably listening to this show and I guess leaving voicemails. You want to hear another one? Yeah, let's hear it. Let's see.

Hey, guys, this is Will from Florida. Here's one for your Dick versus Dick segment. In the last episode, Dick talks about how hangovers are one of the biggest problems in the universe. And then 20 minutes later, he said that people who put shit in their bodies just to make themselves sick and go fuck themselves. So, before I did say that, Dick can go fuck himself. Yeah. I didn't even think of that until, like, 100 people left comments saying the exact same thing. Like, oh, yeah, I guess that's, I guess in a way, that's true.

Yeah, Dick. Here, I think it's appropriate to play this. Dick. In retrospect. Dick. I got about a thousand hangover cures, by the way. They're all like, eat a cheeseburger before bed. Drink Gatorade before bed.

Stop drinking before bed. Like, guys, please. That's the solution to not be hungover, don't drink. Get the hell out of here. You know, Dick, the reason you got like a thousand solutions to being hung over is because it's not a big problem. I guess not. It's a problem that you can just avoid by not drinking in excess or...

Dick Masterson, you fucking idiot. I wake up with a hangover. Oh, golly me, oh, my. What a dread. Drink some fucking water. What size is wrong. When you wake up with a hangover? you're mostly dehydrated.

Drink a glass of fucking water every three drinks. You idiot. Yeah, Dick, drink water. Drink a cup of water. Yeah, just drink a cup of water. There you go. I have a comment.

There's some comments from the comment section. This is from Nico Melchiori. He says, Maddox, if you hate monkeys so much, why do you have one on the show with you week after week? I don't get it. And then someone commented in response

to Handy Andy Panic. He says, hey, fuck you, Sean is awesome. Yeah, I agree. Let's see, I got Moses, Simi Yu. Please let Sean bring in a problem. His voice is sexy. And then there's a little heart. Oh, yeah, Dick is an asshole.

Oh. And then there was one from Scott Miller. You know the guy that you based the lesser minds problem on? You remember that guy? Yeah, yeah. His comment. And you basically just tore him up. He said he's bummed, true or false?

Is that an accurate? statement? Well, I was attacking all lesser minds, not just his, but okay, sorry, I'm my lesser mind can't piece together what I'm trying to say properly. He left a big comment saying, and the part of it was, I'm bummed dick, didn't back me up.

Scott, the first thing I said was you got Maddox's number. That's the very first thing I said. What is more to say? Point number two, if you make a comment, if you call someone out for something that you think they're doing, like if you accuse somebody of something, and

they give you a 20-minute defense of why they're not doing it, you won. You have them on the ropes. That's when you double down. That's when you just throw your hands up, you don't say anything, you drop the mic and you walk away. Because they just validated everything you said. Sure. I didn't need to back the guy up. That's all I'm saying. Are you talking about me, Dick, or his long rambling three, four paragraph comment? Which one? Number one or number two? Number two. Yeah, he, I guess that's what I'm talking about. Sure. It didn't need to be set. So you're saying I won. That's what you're saying. I did the mic drop. I should have no, Dick, here's the thing. It was a problem, like the comment, it was a rebuttal to his comment,

and I addressed it, because I didn't want to address it in the comment section. It gets lost. It gets buried in Facebook's weird ranking system or whatever. But it did lead to an interesting thing. I have so many more examples of lesser minds and so many more rules that I use. And I'll bring those in at some point. I'll bring up lesser minds again at some point. So, yeah, that's I didn't want to just make it based on that one comment, though. There's a lot of problems in this world caused by lesser minds. But speaking of, Dick, what's your problem this week? My first problem this week is, get ready for this.

I took a long time thinking of a clever pun for this one, okay? Man spreading discontent. Okay. All right, Dick. Before the show, we debated the name of this problem, went back and forth. Came up with some clever ones, and then we went with this, huh? Man spreading discontent, because it's man spreading. Do you know what man spreading is?

I do, but let's explain it for people who don't. I'm going to read it right off the New York Times. Man spreading. It's the bane of many female subway riders. It's a scourge tracked on blogs and on Twitter. Whoa, both. That's some serious authority there. And it has a name almost as distasteful as the practice itself.

It is man spreading, the lay-it-all-out sitting style that more than a few men see as their inalienable underground right. Now passengers who consider such in elegant male postures is infringing. So you don't you understand what that is? This is men on the subway sitting comfortably. Not just comfortably, Dick, but also, I mean, yeah, they're sitting comfortably, but there's a lot of reasons that sometimes... Okay, but hold on. Don't move from where you're sitting right now, okay? Because I'm going to look under the table and see what you're doing with your thighs. They're spread apart. Yeah. Like you, on the subway, what you're doing would be considered

man spreading. I guess. I mean, like, the distance between your knees, measure it out. What is that? Like, two and a half feet? It's about five feet, yeah. Yeah. That is egregious. You right now are committing

an egregious act of man spreading in this studio. I like to sit Spread Eagle. And by the way, when women do it, it's Spread Eagle. When guys do it, it's man spreading. That seems sexist. Why don't you just call guys Spread Eagle, too? This is what a feminist blogger says about it.

Man spreading is an assertion of male dominance. Are you asserting your male dominance? I'm consciously asserting my male dominance at every chance I get because it defines me as a human being. I have nothing else going on in my fucking life. It's always an agenda with me. I'm not sitting here comfortably. I'm asserting my authority as a man. It's not because you're a six foot two, two hundred-something-pound man who just like when you sit in a seat, you crumple into it, right?

Yeah. That's how you sit. This is just how my limbs fall. slightly spread. You know, it sounds like the problem here, Dick, is they want us to apologize for taking up space. Exactly. That's why I say it's man-spreading discontent. They're spreading discontent for nothing.

This is just guys sitting comfortably on the subway because subway seats are designed for children. Like, you feel the chairs that we're sitting in. Yeah. These are about, I take the subway a lot in L.A., and they're the same as they are in New York. This is about the size of a subway chair, okay? it is barely big enough to hold my back.

We're sitting in some pink IKEA fold-out chairs. They're fold-out chairs, but it's approximately the size of a subway chair. Yeah. All right? The world is designed. The world of mass transit is designed in what we're sitting on, and it's not big enough to hold a man. So, Dick, is there anything else in the New York Times article you wanted to read?

Because does it mention anything in there about, because man-spreading seems like a specifically male problem. They're saying that this is something that men do. Does it talk about women spreading? Like, say, I don't know, bags and bags and bags of fucking shopping and groceries and purses and fucking just everything? Because it's not something that just men do. It's something that inconsiderate people do. I get it.

If I'm on a subway and I'm taking up a lot of space and it's busy and packed, yeah, I'm going to try to be more considerate so more people can fit on. So you would say what kind of a slogan do you think would fit this egregious, inconsiderate claim you're making to space on the subway. If it's something that men and women do, men with their thighs ridiculously spread like they're in a penthouse centerfold. And women with all their baggage and dogs and horseshit. What do you think that's a proper slogan might be? Well, this might be insightful and outrageous, but stay with me.

It's called Be Considerate. How's that for a slogan? And by the way, Dick, this Be Considerate slogan, can we extend those to fat people? Are they fat spreading? Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on. You can't do that. Oh, we cross the line here. I'm sorry.

Now we're getting into the healthy-at-any-size movement, aren't we? Yeah. Now we can't fat shame, but it's okay to fit shame. It's okay to man-spread shame or whatever the fuck they call it. But they have to make it, they have to add gender into this, don't they? They have to introduce gender into it because they have an agenda. So here's what the actual slogan is, that the MTA, the governing body for the subway, the people that are supposed to provide you with a safe and comfortable ride while you

go about your daily business. Dude, dot, dot, dot, stop the spread, please. Yeah. Dude. And there's a big picture of a red guy, like a red stick man, sitting comfortably in a seat that's designed for a child sitting on the subway. Yeah. While some poor woman, some poor woman has to stand next to him.

God forbid. So there was this article on Mike, I think, where this chick went through, She like spent her entire fucking day on the New York subway just, quote, man spreading. Right. And she found that very few people said anything at all. And in fact, most people just lived with it. And a few people, and then a guy did the same thing, except he also put his little man purse next to him to see if people would. And then, yeah, people commented.

People told them to move it when they wanted to. What's the problem here, people? Is it the problem that you're too much of a fucking pussy to speak up and ask someone to make some more space? Yeah. Is that the problem? That's it. That's all it comes down to. It's the same thing as the selfie stick.

That's what this is. I do want to say, not only did the woman get like dirty looks and stairs, but she said, also, people took a bunch of pictures of me. Yeah. And this is, they got, Mike got this hot, she's hot, this girl who did this experiment. She is sitting with her knees in other time zones. Did you happen to see the video? I mean, this is like, it looks freakish and uncomfortable no matter where you go.

So you walk onto the subway. And it's like an alien in a hot woman's suit trying to do her impersonation of what it's like to sit. She looked like a cheerleader doing the splits in the air. Yeah, it looks pornographic. It's ridiculous. And people are taking pictures of this. She's like, I couldn't believe it.

Yeah. Like, well... Well, you're airing out your vagina. I mean, you know. There's this article on Jezebel Dick. It's called men's right groups demand that their balls be allowed to breathe on buses. Oh, men's rights groups, man.

They are like a caricature of no ma'am. Like, they make no ma'am sound reasonable. Whenever they have a response to anything, I'm like, guys, come on. Couldn't you run it by somebody? Couldn't you run it by a woman first? Or run it by me. I'll edit your stupidies. I'm embarrassed to the men's right movement as I am feminism.

Modern feminism today. It's no longer what it used to be. So this guy says, unless one is suffering from some kind of condition, most men can, in fact, keep their legs closed and even cross them. But they shouldn't on a public transit, constricting the testicles, and yet keeping them totally safe. So this guy's saying that most men can, in fact, cross their legs and keep them closed and keeping their testicles safe.

But what he kind of glosses over here, this is just one sentence in this entire article devoted to the fact that some people may have a condition. Yeah. All right? Some people may have a medical condition. They might have something going on with them that they have to sit that way. So are we going to start legislating some kind of new standards, some etiquette standard, where we have etiquette police going around,

asking people for their medical conditions on subways. Excuse me, do you have a rash, sir? Do you have to sit that way? Can we check between your legs? Let's see. Can you have a doctor's note? Can you justify the way you're sitting? Because sometimes it's not just men or women.

I've seen people who have medical conditions, and it's none of our fucking business the way they sit. Maybe they have something going on, guys. You don't know. It's none of our fucking business. Well, the one part I read from the New York Times, which was interesting, was, the sentence with crime no longer running rampant on the subway,

the campaign is the latest sign that other unwelcome behavior is getting attention. So it's, you know, I have this theory that people are going to be the same amount of pissed off no matter what. Yeah. It's not a very good theory. It's not a very well-thought-out theory. But it's this. You got crime, right? Everybody has so much amount of pissed off to be.

And when there's crime, yeah, it fits. Yeah. Because you don't want to have your things stolen. Yeah. And you don't want to get stabbed. But then, now that there's not as much crime on the subway, we still got to be that amount of pissed off. Yeah.

So it's time to find something else. Well, we used to have things like wars, dick. I had a theory that's very similar. Actually, I do think it's a sound theory. We used to have things like wars to worry about. We used to have things like the Red Scare. We were worried about communism. That was our outrageous devil, right?

And that was hysteria, though. The Red Scare? Of course. It was all hysteria. But I think that there's a certain segment of this population who no matter what are always going to try to find something to be outraged about or hysterical about. And if it's not the Red Scare, if it's not communism, if it's not the Cold War, if it's not Nazis from World War II, if it's not the Korean conflict or Pol Pot, it's something. There's always something. And there's no big war going on right now.

So, you know, people are outraged about man spreading. They're inventing. That's what they're doing. They're inventing a reason to exist. They're inventing. and they all just jump on the bandwagon and they lock arms in a big, weepy, teary jerk-off fest of just crying and weakness.

That's what this is. Here's what Mike said about it, the M-C. Mike.com. I won't link to them, by the way, so use them as a source. Go ahead. Women and men are equal under the law. Truce, do we agree so far? Yeah, it's...

Good way to start a thought. Something that's blatantly true and in arguable. Well, mostly, women still don't have to sign up for selective service. Well, Maddox, please. You're going off into the weeds. Women and men are equal under the law, and that includes the right to feel safe and comfortable in public places. Is that a law?

I don't even know how that would. How do you codify that? It's your legal right to feel comfortable in public. Unless you want to spread your legs a little bit, because you may have a medical condition or something going on or big balls. Like, who knows? I don't know, man. I've seen some guys sit very, what's it, demurely?

They sit very, like, they take up very little space. They cross their legs, and they are comfortable that way. And I've seen guys who kind of, like, spread out. Look, just don't be a dick. You know, be considerate. And by the way, there's a big asterisk when I say don't be a dick, because I think that dicks are sometimes good. You need dicks in this world.

And I'm not talking about my co-host here. But you need people who are kind of assholes sometimes. That's why rude people was my solution in this month's solution. I'll tell you what I do. You know what I do? That's kind of what you're saying? If there's a line for the men's bathroom and there's not one for the women's, I use a women's bathroom.

Sure. Ten times out of ten. Keep things going, man. That is. It's considerate, Dick. That's another thing that rude people do. Okay, I'm talking about my solution now. Yeah.

But Dick, yeah, this is... So the problem here is man spreading discontent, which is kind of a clever title, the more I think about it. Thank you. Yeah. I thought it didn't take me any time at all to think of it either. Okay, yeah. Here's some quotes from guys.

Fabio Pansiero from the New York Times. I'm not going to cross my legs like ladies do. I'm going to sit how I want to sit. Yeah. That's what, so I guess the campaign probably won't be effective. This guy's digging his heels in. Yeah. I just laugh at the ad and hope someone graffiti's over it.

I brought in some stats for you. Oh. Yeah, I got some stats for you. So they did this experiment that showed people who assume expansive postures were more likely to steal money, cheat on a test, and commit traffic violations. I don't know if that changes your opinion of this manspreading thing. Well, yeah, but they didn't control for a lot of variables there because these people who say supposedly cheat on tests and commit crimes or whatever,

they're also men. If it's just men, then yeah, men are more likely to commit crimes across. the board. They're more likely to commit violence and murder and sexual assault and all sorts of crimes. Men are just more likely to commit that. That's true. I knew you'd have a good answer for that study. That's why I brought it in. You know, Dick, there was another article. I couldn't find it before the episode aired, but there was a girl who spent all day on a subway man spreading. It was not this hot check that they got from Mike.com. It was another girl who had like pink hair or something like that. And she said she spent the entire day and she was hoping for a conclusion,

Right. Her conclusion she was hoping for was that people would call her rude, and whereas they wouldn't call a guy rude. So she wanted to show that there was some kind of sexual discrimination in our society. She didn't find that conclusion. What she did find was that near the end of the day, she thought nothing of it. And she felt empowered. And she said she felt fine. She said by the end of the day, she felt like she was almost entitled to do that. I'm like, well, kind of. Yeah. I mean, you can sit however you want. You can be an asshole if you want. Nobody said anything to her all day long. I mean, isn't there like a trade-off? Like, don't we, isn't this established? Like, look, you get up, if you're a man, you get up for old people, you get up for women, you just do, I do, I do, I'm on the subway, I guess, it's like, look, all right, you're walking around in heels, you probably had a rough day. Yeah. It's not comfortable, it's not comfortable for a woman to sit around and having guy, and have guys circle her. So sit down, here, have the seat. But by the same token, the other side of the coin is, if I can sit down, fuck, I'm huge.

All right? I got a lot of weight to carry around all day. Just let me ooze into the seat a little bit. My back hurts, my feet hurt. Let me do it. Let me spread out a little bit. Let me be comfortable for fuck's sake. Yeah. Well, on that token, dick, then someone who is forced to stand because you're taking more space could also make that argument.

They're uncomfortable and their back hurts and their feet hurt. Just ask. Don't be so afraid. Don't be so afraid. Don't be a fucking pussy. How's that for a slogan? Don't be a fucking pussy. And use the word fucking in there. I'm sorry, cuss control.

Hashtag. Fudging. Don't be a pussy. Brought to you by the MTA. No, it's, be considerate. I think that's the, that's the slogan here. Yeah, but it's like preemptive be considerate. Like, it's not a big deal for you to come over.

Why are you so afraid of engaging with another person and saying, hey, dude, can you scoot your knee over? Get a fucking backbone. How's that for an MTA campaign, dipshits? And by the way, by the way, Dick, you know what would actually make a precipitous difference on the New York subway system? telling people to move the fuck over on an escalator or just stand to the right on escalators. That's what every Asian culture I've ever been to. Every Asian, you know, like the Hong Kong subway system in Tokyo, people stand to the right or stand to the left to let people pass you if they need to.

That's not a fucking thing in America and it needs to be. Also, how about standing to the side and letting people who are trying to get off the subway get off before you try to board? Those are things that can make an actual difference. And nobody's making nearly as much of a stink because there's no feminist agenda to wedge in there. You're right, and we had those ads in the 40s. Yeah. In the 40s, it was, I forget what it was exactly, but there was ads like, hey, lady, hit him again

for guys who were blocking the door. Hit him again, none of us like door blockers. Basically saying, like, don't be so timid, hit him again. Yeah. How about that ad? Just tell him to move over. Tell him to move over. Why is the onus on guys who sit comfortable?

I'm looking around at three other men and all of you are taking up three seats on the subway, every single one of you. Yeah. Yeah, well, all right, Dick. discontent. Discontented I am? You're pretty discontent.

But let's, is that all you got that because, or is it time for a new problem? A real problem, huh? All right, wait, before you go on, I just have to mention this. Today's show, today's show is brought to you by Harries. Please visit Harries.com and use promo code Biggest Problem to save $5 off your first purchased. Are you familiar with Harry's, Maddox? Have you been using your Harry's shave kit? I swear to God, I'm still using my Harry Shave kit.

Me too. Dude, you know what I did? So I've been, by the way, it's a new year, it's a new you. It's time to change your look. You might not agree, but I certainly do. I started shaving a lot more after we got those free kits. Harry sent us starter kits, so we would talk about them on the air, obviously. And I started using it like almost religiously. Man, I don't know.

I figure it's like... Almost? Reliously. I'm not an extremist about it. Okay. But I do use it quite often. So I was using it this weekend. I was shaving and I was like,

oh, I'll switch back to the Mach 3 and see how it feels. Now I hate the Mach 3. I swear to God, that's true. You hate... So hate is a very strong word, Dick. No, now I find the Harry's better. I switched immediately back to the Harry's. Okay. The Harry's blade. Yeah, no, I agree.

There's something about the metal they use in these blades, I think, that makes them stronger. Because my blades are not getting nicked at all. No, well, Harry's bought a factory, a blade factory in Germany. I'm reading this off the thing. Harry's bought a blade factory in Germany that has been crafting some of the world's highest quality blades for almost a century

by cutting out the middleman they can offer an amazing shave at a fraction of the price of drugstore brands. And they'll ship it right to your house. How about that? She don't even have to leap. You know, I was arguing with somebody a while back about... It was about my cell phone, Dick. And I was talking about how... How much of your life has spent arguing about cell phones? Probably 30%.

I was talking about how I can order new bags. batteries if I want to, and I don't have to go to an Apple store. And I can leave my front door unlocked, and if I wanted to, they would probably bring it right to my chair. Because if the delivery guy came to my place, he knocked on the door, I said, just bring it in. And I said, I'll give you five bucks, just bring it to my desk. I wouldn't even have to stand up. And Harries could do that for you.

You could do the exact same thing with Harry's. So not deliver it to your door. This delivers it right to your fat ass on the computer. That should be their slogan. Yep, and you can sit however you want at your computer. No man spreading complaints there. Their starter kit is $15.5.com now, and Harries will give you $5 off. If you type in the code, biggest problem with your first purchase, that's h-a-r-r-r-S.com.

Coupon code, biggest problem. All right. All right, Dick, in light of everything going on in the news, Charlie Hebdo was attacked in France. Yeah. I heard about that. Saturist magazine. It's a satire magazine. It's similar to The Onion, but in France.

And it's more like, it has more of a political bent. in France. And they were attacked recently by some gunmen, some terrorists who were offended that they depicted Muhammad, the prophet of Islam in their magazine as a cartoon in a disrespectful way. They regularly ran disrespectful cartoons. Correct. Yeah. They did. They ran cartoons about Christian prophets. Jesus is in their magazine and Jewish prophets and Islamic prophets. They satirized all religion, and they satirized most public figures. This was a magazine that didn't really hold punches, with very few exceptions. So they got attacked, 12 people were killed.

Maybe, I think the final number maybe even higher. A couple people were saved. They didn't attack women, whatever. But the problem here, Dick... They didn't? No, they let women... They consider it some sacred law that they don't attack women in children, so they didn't... Muslims do, or these guys did?

These guys did. Oh, that's weird. Yeah, terrorists are actually... They weirdly, staunchly adhere to this. They try not to kill women and children. So can you wear like a wig and get out? Well, I mean, you can. Okay.

I don't, no matter how much wig or makeup I put on, they know I'm a dude. It's like the predator. If you put down your gun, he won't attack you. Yeah. Yeah, because the predator wants a challenge. He wants a trophy. So, Dick, the problem here isn't so much that, you know, the magazine,

well, it isn't so much that these people were killed by these terrorists. The problem I think is satire. We need to end satire. Yeah. We need to end satire? Yeah, satire is the problem, Dick. Okay. Yeah. Satire is a big problem. Because without satire, no one would be dead today. Yeah. We'd be living in a more

peaceful society without satire, Dick. No, I agree. We need to end satire. What we should do is ban all satire. If it weren't for satire, think of all the extremists who'd be happier today. What we should do is create a national thought registry, kind of like the copyright and patent office where ideas are submitted and then a team of thought police reads your writing and determines whether or not

it will offend somebody indirectly. If it does, you get three warnings and then incarceration. This is the only solution to terrorist attacks. We should stop producing satire. Sattire? Yeah. Well, you're going straight to jail. Well, whoa, hold on. Because that was

satire. No, this is not satire, guys. Yeah, this is not, no, this is actually absolutely not satire. I think we should And satire. Oh, okay. Yeah. I thought you were being satirical, but you're being serious. I'm being totally serious, man.

Who's going to run the thought police? Just, I think it's a group. The extremists, probably. They're pretty good at telling what's too much. Yeah, the extremists, the extremists are good at picking extreme people. But I think that it shouldn't be a democracy. It shouldn't be voted upon. It should be selected.

Maybe we go to the Supreme Court and we tell them, guys, put all your suggestions in a hat. We'll just pick them out. And those are the people that are going to be the satire police. Too many votes. It's got to be just one guy. You don't want nine people deciding because then you could have a split decision.

Yeah, you're right, Dick. Well, whatever the thought police should be, we definitely need to have this organization in place. Yeah. Anytime anyone writes anything, even fortune cookies can be satirical. We need to look at fortune cookies, Dick. We need to go around restaurant to restaurant,

Chinese restaurants, open up every fortune cookie, make sure that Islam isn't being smeared, right? Christianity isn't smeared. Anybody, yeah. I don't think people, I don't think anyone should be offended, Dick. I think that it's my right,

speaking of rights to be safe and comfortable, I think it's also my right to be not offended. Yeah. As an American. Or as anyone. Dick, shouldn't we all just be happy? And not offended by anything. And not offended by anything ever.

No, I know, man. Yeah. And by the way, guys, when I was insensitive earlier in this episode, I'm just going to start apologizing right now, when I was insensitive towards fat people, and I said that we should, Maybe ask fat people to lose weight to be more considered on subways to not take up, you know, fat spreading.

I apologize. That was really offensive. Okay. You accept my apology dick? Yeah, you said the words. So are you on board with us? You seem like strangely complacent with my satire ban. Well, I've already, yeah, I've already come out saying that satire is like the only weapon we have against dumb people.

That's offensive. Yeah, I'm sorry. Yeah. So, yeah, of course I'm against it. All the dumb people listening right now, all the lesser minds who are listening to the show, just got offended by what you just said. Oh, well, sorry. Yeah.

Thank you for apologizing, Dick. We just need more insincere apologies. Oh, there we go. Yeah, like, do you just post and you can say whatever you want, and then just at the end, hey, sorry. Yeah. Just have, like, a little guy, like the mascot from Monopoly. Just like, oh, sorry. Sorry about that.

Didn't mean it. The mustachioed man from Monopoly? Yeah, Uncle Pennybags. Uncle Money bags. Uncle Money bags? So, Dick. I think you're being satirical. though. No, absolutely not, Dick. This is definitely not satire. We should ban satire. Okay. We need to ban thoughts that are dangerous. Yeah. And this is one way to do it. Three strikes rule

and then incarceration. Right? And then if incarceration doesn't work, well, capital punishment. I don't think it's too extreme to say that someone should die for the things that they believe in or speak. If you make a cartoon that depicts Muhammad, right, no matter how poorly it's drawn, and no matter the fact that we have no photos of Muhammad, you should be executed. I don't think it's unreasonable. Am I being unreasonable

here? No, I don't know. Those terrorists were doing a Yemen's job, going into this journalist's office and killing people. Yeah. Good for them. They were doing the right, they were ending satire, which is the problem. Without satire, no one would be dead today, Dick. It's the biggest problem

in the universe. Satire is? Oh, okay, yeah, you might actually be right. Well, I mean, because you're talking to a guy whose satire was considered so harmful that, like, I'm not allowed on Facebook or YouTube. Yeah. Like, I'm just not allowed. It's already happening. Facebook is my ally. And that's like, that's just one step below.

If you're, like, if you want to, if you can't kill a guy, just cut out, cut out the way he makes money. Sure. That's just, that's the most harm you can do. Yeah. So if I, if they hate me so much that they don't want me talking. on YouTube or Facebook, they can't kill me because they're big companies, they just cut off the way I make money. Yeah, they did.

Right? Yep. No problem. No problem. Yeah. So... Well, you got off light, buddy, because under my system, what I'm proposing is incarceration and capital punishment. You will get hung or shot by my machine gun.

Automatic machine gun fire. Unless you're a woman or child, I think that women or child, children should be spared. The Islamists are correct in sparing women and children. Yeah. Really? You think that? Absolutely. The children parts are surprise.

Yeah. I think you're hurting your presidential run. We established your presidential platform in an early episode. Uh-oh. I think this will come back to bite you in the primaries. Oh, boy. I don't know about that, Dick. I mean, in my initial presidential platform, it was the regressive party, which is against

abortion but for killing babies. Right. So I don't think... That's one of my favorite things that you've ever said. Thank you. Thank you. And I wholeheartedly believe it. I don't think that the Muslim terrorists, these extremists, you...

when they say that they spare women and children, I don't think they're counting babies in there. So if I had stormed the office, I would definitely shoot the babies because babies are not children yet. They're not children, they're babies. Yeah. There's a distinction.

If you're still crawling or if you're in a crib, bullet in the head, sorry. Wow. You're getting darker. Well, you know, Dick, I got to stand for my beliefs here, and I believe that satire is a problem. So, you know. Not beliefs.

Not extreme beliefs. It's satire. That's the problem. Well, it's interesting. Because extreme beliefs are going to exist. But satire, that's a decision that somebody's making. It's a decision someone's making. The beliefs you're born with.

You're born with these beliefs, Dick. I don't believe in the clean slate theory. These extremists were born with these beliefs. Yeah, it's not their fault. No. They're just coping with it. That's what they are. Now we're both doing the satire.

No, Dick, this isn't satire. Oh, okay, sorry. Dick, here's some extreme. So speaking of extremists, here's some extremist statements. I want to see if you can tell if these were made by Islamic militants, Or Westerners. You know, enlightened Westerners. Oh.

Yeah. I've added some blanks here to see if you can fill them in with the appropriate ethnicity, religion, people, or place. Okay. These are various comments came from Twitter, news sources, whatever. It's time to nuke these blanks. Well, I would think a Westerner would say that because terrorists don't have access to nukes.

Correct. Yeah. That is correct. Pretty good. So it's time to blank. It's time to nuke these terrorist scum. That was from Brownie 290880 on Twitter. Yeah, well, some terrorists could potentially have access to nukes.

There's some dirty nukes floating around, whatever. But that's a good analysis. I don't think they would be so cavalier about it. No, probably not. Well, you don't know, man. I mean, I don't know any terrorists. If I did, they may be cavalier. I bet the terrorists I would know would be pretty chill.

Yeah. Why doesn't blank just bomb blank? Oh, why doesn't blank just bomb blank? Yeah. So we're looking for a place? and a group. Okay, wait a minute. So why doesn't blank just bomb blank?

I'm going to say because a terrorist, they do the bombing of themselves. Like, they are the bomb. Yeah. So I think logically this is a westerner saying because they see bombs as something they don't have to deal with. Right? So I'm going to say, why doesn't the U.S. just bomb the Middle East? Is that the... Close.

Why doesn't France just bomb... Uh... Islam? Pretty close. Pretty close. Oh, yes. It's why doesn't France just bomb Al-Qaeda? Yeah, that's pretty good.

Yeah, by Charles Chawa from Twitter. Okay. Okay. Blank to avenge blank victims. Blank to avenge blank victims? Yeah. And this is people or places. Okay, the first one is a group to avenge another group.

Oh, okay. A group. That doesn't sound Western just because of the poor syntax. Yeah, it's poor syntax. Westerners have good syntax. Well, generally, yeah. I don't know that one. So, Blame. I don't know that one.

So it's actually, it's a Western. I'm sorry, it's a Westerner. It says, Anonymous to avenge Charlie Hebdo victims. Oh, Anonymous, the Group? Anonymous the Group. How are they going to do that? Yeah, well. They go into a whole manifesto.

They just left it kind of vague as to how they're going to do it. Supposedly they killed somebody already. Let me, Anonymous did? Anonymous did. They killed somebody? I just read the headline. I didn't read the full article, but supposedly they did. Dick, on this note, let me read this quote here too.

The blood pouring out of blank must be revenged. If it was terrorists, that would probably be like a menstruation thing. Yeah. But it sounds pretty similar to the previous quote, right? Yeah. What is it? I don't know. The blood pouring out of Palestine must be revenge, and that's by Osama bin Laden.

Osama bin Laden said that. Okay. Yeah. So Osama bin Laden, so it's interesting the distinction here because Anonymous is to avenge blank. Right. And Osama's to avenge blank. So where does it end? Because if the attacks, if what we're doing now to the terrorists, which, you know, they should be brought to justice.

But if that's done in revenge and what the terrorists did to us was done in revenge, and what Osama bin Laden did to us was done in revenge, and what Osama bin Laden did to us was done in revenge, America does to Osama bin Laden is done in revenge, where does it end? Yeah, you're making the comparison between our sense of revenge and their sense of revenge. Just the way the vicious cycle continues.

I did, do you consider, okay, so the Charlie Hebdo thing happened, right? And all of a sudden, all over the internet was this just epidemic of slackivism. Would you consider that slackivism? Because everybody was suddenly, violently just,

Sway Charlie. Yeah. Right? And I don't do it because I just don't do things that do nothing. Right. You know what I'm saying?

Right. Did that have, to you, does that have an effect? Is that the exact same as slacktivism? Is it something people should do? It is slacktivism unless you actually take action and do something. So if you want to...

The action is to create um, create challenging works of art. Right? Because that's what, that's what Charlie Hebdo did. They created challenging works of art. that challenge the status quo.

Yeah. If you say we are Charlie, you're not unless you're a satirist. You're not unless you're creating this work that's called insightful. You're not unless you're questioning the wisdom of prevailing authority in a way that's satirical. You're not Charlie unless you, I mean, you can stand up for them, sure. And I changed my Facebook profile picture to a picture of my logo with the French colors. I saw that. The French flag color.

And then someone called me a slacktivist. I said, guys, this isn't a campaign. I'm not promoting anything, and it's not going to create any change. I did that in solidarity and as an homage to Charlie Hebdo, to show them that, you know, this is something I was recognizing as a loss, as a fellow satirist, right? This is how I've made my career. Yeah.

And I apologize for saying that. If anyone's offended, I should submit myself to this registry, because satire is wrong and evil. Yeah, no, no, no, I know. I know what you're saying. Here's that, yeah. Furthermore, there also seems to be like a kind of binary thinking, binary extremist thinking about that,

about that various activism that I'm talking about, the Jez-Suite Charlie thing. Yeah. Because I would think something like, oh, I would think something like, well, they're writing anti-Islamist cartoons. Right. Like, and the last cartoon was no attacks in France,

and then like a bumbling terrorist saying, like, well, we got till the end of January. And I'm thinking, in my mind, as a satirist, I'm thinking if I had made that, I would be trying to provoke them. If I had done that. Yeah. Right? But to say that, oh my God.

If you say something like, well, yeah, they're writing, they're using satire as a weapon to provoke this exact kind of response. You can't say that, right? That's not something I should be allowed to say. You, why? Wait. Because people lose their minds. They're like, oh, you're victim blaming. You're victim blaming.

I'm like, guys, I understand comedy and satire. when you make something that specific against a group, you're trying to nail them. Oh. You should expect a response, and these guys aren't witty or clever. They don't usually respond with funny New Yorker cartoons. They usually respond with guns and violence, and you know that.

Right? So satire is a problem, Dick. Thank you for supporting me. Yeah, satire is a problem here. Well, I don't want to go to your satire prison, so I'll say anything that it takes to get out of it. I think you just did, and I think you did for real. I have a few more quotes here.

Let's see if you can tell if this is a Westerner or a terrorist group. Blank group will track down and avenge those who have been killed. Sounds very similar to this last one, too, right? I think that's a terrorist that said that. Nope, Westerner, Anonymous. Oh, damn it. We are in your blanks. We are in your blanks.

We are in your blanks. We are everywhere. That's Anonymous. That's Anonymous. That was ISIS. Oh! It's chilling that it sounds so much like an anonymous. Where is ISIS in our blanks?

They're not anywhere. Where the hell are they? Where do they say they are? They're in our cities, they're in our blind, you know, so on and so far. That's actually something that's kind of a concern now that they're afraid of these lone wolf attacks because ISIS, through their propaganda on the internet,

is reaching people in the Midwest and reaching people where they might not be able to reach through their traditional means of recruitment, like in Yemen and Afghanistan and... You mean, let me ask you something. You mean they have the ability to strike anyone from anywhere if they so dain? Who does that sound like?

Sounds like the West. Sounds like the U.S. government, right? That's what I don't get about the whole, like, terrorist label. Yeah. I mean, it's just like low budget. Well, we have a specter of damage that we can inflict on you at any moment. Yeah. So.

Which is interesting. I was listening to a Radio Lab episode recently, and they were talking about, it's the one, it's the episode about worth. And they were talking about what the worth of things are. I don't believe that life is precious. I mean, it is. It's 70 grand. It is. That's how much it's worth.

It's actually very controversial how much life is. worth, but it comes to about a lot of people, like in the Iraq War, or in Pakistan, there was a drone strike that happened. I believe in 2010, 2011, something like that. They accidentally hit a wedding convoy. They killed so many people. They killed, I believe, the groom. The father was, the father survived his son.

But they took these bodies back to the town square in Pakistan, and they prayed to them about, and they said, this is what the U.S. government did to us with these drone strikes. Yeah. And everybody was pissed off. To do that. Yeah. And then the U.S. government has a policy in place called money as a weapon. And it's reparations that you pay to people that you've done wrong in these war conflicts.

Right. And, you know, it's no obligation, no legal obligation to do so, but they do it to try to win their hearts and minds, supposedly. With money. Yeah, with money. Yeah. And in Iraq, the amount that they spend is about $2,500 per death per person. Oh, that's it? Yeah, which is equivalent to about $30,000 in their currency.

So that's it. That's what you get. Oh, that's not enough. Yeah, that's not enough. Of course not. Man. Meanwhile, the World Trade Center victims were compensated anywhere up to like $7 million or $12 million, something like that. Anywhere from $250,000 to like $7 million.

Yeah. Whoa. Yeah, a lot of them were. A lot of dough. Yeah, it is a lot of dough, Dick. Here's another one. If they do not stop their campaign in blank, we will bring the war to them in blank on the ground. Who said that?

Well, that sounds like us, because on the ground is what we do. Isis, again. If they're talking about, if they do not stop their campaign in the virtual world, we will bring the war to them in the real world on the ground. They're talking about Twitter, because Twitter is starting to shut down these terrorist accounts, and they're saying they're going to... ISIS declared war on Twitter? They're going to attack them in San Francisco.

They're going to go to their headquarters. Guys, you're going to flip the fuck out if you go to San Francisco. There's going to be so many more targets. You're going to want to attack before Twitter's headquarters, which I've seen, by the way. It's kind of like a nondescript building. They're going to need a bigger boat. Yeah, bigger boat.

Blanks regime tortures and executes blanks. Oh, that's us. We do that. What? Yeah. It's Iran's regime tortures and executes activists. And that's, yeah, that's an Iranian woman who said that on Twitter. I'm really confused why a terrorist, blank, leading the Paris anti-terrorism march. Is that somebody who's sympathetic to...

Wait, read it again. Okay. I'm really confused why a terrorist, blank, the name of the terrorist, is leading the Paris anti-terrorism march. I would think... Well, it's sarcastic, so I would think a Westerner would say that. That is somebody... It's somebody who's sympathetic to the Palestinian cause.

Okay, a Westerner said it, though. I'm not sure if it's... Actually, you know what? What? I may give you that. Half credit. Half credit. There you go, Dick. I'm really confused. Here, I'll do this. It's Netanyahu that she's talking about. She's saying Netanyahu is the world's biggest terrorist.

Anyway, Dick, when I posted that picture on Facebook of my status, of my profile picture with the French colors, a lot of people started arguing with me. They said, no, man, we need to wipe out all the Muslims, these Muslims. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Okay. And this is their argument. said that the attack of 9-11 was Muslims. The Richard Pearlman attack, the journalist who was beheaded, I think, his name was

Richard, but Pearlman, whatever, was beheaded by Muslims. All these terrorist attacks that have occurred, the India, the Bali bombings were Muslims, and the USS Cole was Muslims, and all these terrorist attacks, right? And they said, well, there's a common theme here, it's all Muslims. And then some people took it a step further and said, no, no, it's religion. Religion's the problem. Religion's the devil. But what you kind of fail to realize here is there are 1.6 billion Muslims in the world. A lot of bombs.

Gonna need a lot of bombs. A lot of bombs and body bags, huh? A lot of bombs. Maybe you can do it two-four. They should put... They're a bomb in 24 hours a day. What they should do is put body bags in those black boxes that they put on those airplanes

that are indestructible. So put them on the tail end of the bombs, just at the fins of the missiles. And then when they're killed, guess what, body bag's already there for you. Just put in the combination. We'll make the combination. code, you know, something like a birthday,

the birthday of like George Washington, how about that? And then you open it up, you got a body bag. Problem solved. You got a lot of great theories today. A lot of great theories. A lot of great solutions. You know, I actually made an article a long time ago about talking about how we can solve two problems,

kill two birds with one stone by bombing terrorists with pennies. If we just, like, drop big sacks of pennies on these terrorist heads, you instantly kill them and you instantly have war reparations. Yeah. Hey, problem solved, right? $2,500? drop $2,500 worth of pennies on their heads, because they're cheaper than missiles. And they can melt the pennies down and sell them as copper for more than they're worth.

Well, there's very little copper in pennies, my friend. Or whatever. Listen, I think 7%. But yeah, there is a metal. There's a melting point. Yeah, I do think everyone who just wants to wipe everybody out. Yeah. I think there's some kind of desire to just not want to have war in conflict all the time,

and it seems childish to me. Like, yeah, it sucks, but it's going to happen. That's the way it is. So this mentality, let's kill them. all, right? It's a mentality that not just we as outraged Westerners share you know, some of us, some of us

feel this need to kill them all because it's all Muslims, right? All Muslims are doing this. Well, they're not. 1.6 billion, the great, look, if there was a war that Muslim, that Islam declared against the West, we might lose. That's 1.6 billion people that you'd have to fight. If the

majority of people believe this, if the majority of Muslim people believe this, This would be a war like we've never seen. This is a very small minority of Muslims who are doing this. And yes, the majority of them are Muslims. Our own president would turn on us. He's Muslim, isn't he? Great, Dick.

Dick, if that's satire, that's your first strike, buddy. You're going to jail. You better watch it. Go ahead. Thought police. I'm going to be on the registry. I think you should run it. Yeah. Oh, I'd love to, man. Do babies write satire?

Round them up. So anyway, Dick, the majority of these attacks were done by Muslims, but not the majority of Muslims are terrorists, clearly, right? Less than one-half of one percent, just by sheer numbers. 1.6 billion? Yeah, way less than that. But these people are saying, let's just glass the Middle East. When they say glass in the Middle East, they're referring to dropping nukes on them and turning the sand into glass due to high heat. I wonder if those guys would actually do that, though. Like everybody who says that, it's fun to vent and be outraged on social media and on the computer.

But it's like, you gave them a button. They're like, here you go, this will kill 1.6 billion people. You want to hit it? My guest. I don't think they would do it. You don't think so, Dick. No, I don't think so. Let me point you to the Milgram study.

I know that study. Yeah. Yeah. These are people who would shock people who were told, look, someone's going to experience pain. One person is going to experience pain. You don't think they would do it? That's an authority figure telling them what to do. This is just here, you think you know what's best?

Hit that button. It's not somebody saying, do it. I think if you told them to do it, they would do it. Well, I hope that we never have to test it. But here's the thing, Dick. These terrorists who went in and killed these innocent people at Charlie Hebdo, which weren't innocent because they wrote satire, and I think that's a big problem. These people who went in and killed them, use that same argument, the exact same argument.

They said, look, these guys are bad, the Westerners are bad, non-Muslims are bad, we need to kill them all. Does that sound familiar? Because that's what we're saying now, and that's what they're saying then. It's the exact same argument. It never fucking ends if all their mentality is, is kill them all. Let's not discriminate between weak and poor and Christian and Jew. It's kill them all as long as they're not Muslim. As long as they're not one of us, let's just kill them all.

That's the mentality that's driving this. And that's the mentality that's going to continue driving this problem, is kill them all. And I got in an argument with someone who just kept saying, you know, in Quran, it says this thing, and it says that thing, and Muhammad believed this thing, and all these, like, terrible things he was listing. I said, again, you, why isn't there more killing? If this was a religion that by decree instructed people to kill, right, why isn't there more killing? Right.

You know, and then they pointed out, well, Christian, you know, the Christians had the crusade and so on and so forth. That was about money, wasn't it? Yeah, it's always about something. It's always about land. It's always about money. It's always about something. and people use religion as a crutch to corrupt. Muslims aren't like Klingons.

Yeah. Like that's what the, that's the picture I get in my head when I hear some idiot going like, oh, you got to wipe them out. It's like a dangerous religion. It's like, no, it's just a bunch of people. Like it's not, they're not like a whole species

like clingons that fight over everything and they're just like intractable assholes all the time. Yeah. I pointed out to somebody, I can't believe I had to spell this out, but I said, listen, believe it or not, Muslim people have mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, children.

and they care about those people, just like people in the West do. Do you think that they want those people to die? Do you think that that's what these people are trying to do? And I said, and by the way, the people who are just saying, it's all religion, like Bill Maher, he said that. He said, old religion, there's no great religion. He said they're all stupid, et cetera, et cetera. So we should all be atheists because no atheists ever done anything wrong, right?

It wasn't Hitler and atheists? I'm sorry, were you about to say that? No, he was not going to. Let's just say that he was. Okay. It makes it funnier. Dick, that's satire? That's two strikes, buddy.

I'm getting my handcuffs ready You're not getting The third one better be worth it What are you going to read? Here's some atheists Adam Lanzah Eric Harris Adam Lanzo was the guy who shot up

He's the guy that sings on the voice No no not the guy who sings on the voice dick Yeah No like she will be loved that guy Not that guy Adam Lanzas That's awful No he shot up Sandy Hook I believe that was the guy who shot up Sandy Hook

I believe that was the guy who shot up Columbine Atheist Mao Zedong, atheist. Chairman Mao. Chairman Mao, and by the way, the biggest casualty toll in history, what's from Mao Zedong's era, estimates are anywhere from 40 to 70 million people died. No one has ever died to that degree on that level,

short of, I mean, there's actually nobody on this list that even comes close to that, atheist. You know where Mao Zedong was conceived? Where's that? Made in China. All right, Dick. Got to wedge that in there. Mussolini, atheists. So you're, and I point out, like, when you attack religion like that, it just sounds bigoted, simplistic, ignorant, simple.

And people say, well, religion is the cause of all this conflict. If two religions can exist, coexist peacefully at some point in time, which they do right now, in that Jewish grocery store that these terrorists were holed up in France, Oh, that's a real thing? Yeah, it was a Jewish... What was it called? Ralphsteins? Fons and Schwags?

Zion save, I don't know, man. But this Jewish grocery store is a kosher grocery store. Food for less and less? Go ahead, but the serious terrorist thing. Yeah, yeah. Here we go. Okay, so this Jewish grocery store, this kosher grocery store, this kosher grocery store, that these terrors were holed up in.

The people who shopped there, they said, are Muslims and Christians and Jews. They all lived peacefully in this small town. They can coexist peacefully, and they do coexist peacefully. We have mosques here in America. We have synagogues. We have, what's the one for the Indian Sikhs? A temple. We have temples for Sikhs.

They all coexist peacefully. We've got EB Games for you. Okay. Actually, it's not EB Games. Is E.B. Games about... Sorry, I don't want to offend your religion. Yeah, it's GameStop, Dick. Was that satire a dick?

That sounded like it might be sad to. Don't be a dick. No, we got cheetahs for me. Yeah. You got cheetahs for you. Well, it's not a strip club, though. It's a topless bar. Because they can still serve liquor.

Yeah. Well, he wants to see everything else. You know, I'd rather drink. Oh, Jesus, Dick. I can point you to some classy, all-nude strip clubs, buddy. No, but they don't serve liquor in California. They sure do. No, they don't.

Champagne and wine. That counts. Oh, that. Champagne and wine. Champagne's delicious. All right. Comes from France. Are you done?

Are you got anything else you want to say about... Oh, excuse me, not terrorism. Do you have anything else you want to say about the evils of satire? No, that's it, dick. Have you ever been assaulted for your satire? Have you ever been hit with any good... Because you're one of the bigger satirists on the internet. Yeah.

Have you ever suffered anything because of your satire? Hmm. I have had people... I've had a lot of threats. I've had a few serious, I think a few serious threats that I've gone to police with. But over the years, no, I have not, because I have a theory about that. I think that people who are offended, if they get offended in that moment, but they don't really think about it. Like if you ever meet somebody who you've offended online because of an article or something that you wrote,

they may dislike you. But to actually take that action against them, I mean, I don't know, man. I'd have to, I've never experienced several rounds of machines. gun bullets going through me because of my satire. No, if that's what you're asking. Yeah, I've been punched twice. But Dick, that's not satire. That's just you being a drunk asshole.

No, no, no, no. This was because, well, I suppose, you know, you can't have one without the other. But they were both in Vegas and both by a woman, one that knew who I was in advance, and the other one was just told about it. It bent my glasses. Those mirrored shades that I had on Dr. Phil.

Oh, those were cool. They're all bent up. You're aviators. Yeah. I tried to bend them back in place, but now it just looks like a bunch of like jig-jag earpiece things. That's my favorite thing, by the way.

When someone's glasses get bent and they try to bend it back, it never looks normal. It looks awful. And they always think that, you know, they always think, yeah, okay, they convince themselves that it's okay because they don't want to drop another $300 because of the eyeglass cartel

which you defended several episodes ago. They're nice shades. Yeah, great. You could buy nice shades for four bucks. Same thing. Anyway, Dick, yeah, that's my problem. Satire is the biggest problem in the universe. It needs to be eradicated.

All right. Did I go to jail? Did I get a third satire thing in? I didn't, I'm safe. You're okay for now, Dick. Safe to live another day. Yeah, one more day. So, and your problem was...

Man spreading discontent. Man spreading. It's like a before and after, like in Wheel of Fortune. Man spreading, spreading discontent. Yeah. You watch Wheel of Fortune? I've seen it. Okay, well, that's what they do.

Not a big fan. Pat Zajax seems too robotic to me. So does Alex Trebek. I think that's what you need. You need that quality to be a good game show host. You need to be a robot. Yeah, and you need to have a big head. Big heads help, so it shows up on TV. Dick, you got a big head, man.

You can be a game show host. Thank you. Yeah. You're welcome. Anyway, here's a quote I forgot from mans spreading. I'm glad that the government is finally taking action. This is clearly not the kind of thing that could be solved by asking people to scoot over and make room for you to sit down.

And I'm glad the government is finally doing something about it. Dick, that sounds like satire to me. That's what the guy said. You know what, you brought that in, Dick. You brought that, you're busted, buddy. All right, I'm going to jail. Wrap up this episode. My problem is satire.

Your problem, man spreading. Discontent. Man spreading discontent. Don't forget to vote on these problems on our website. Hey, and stay tuned for the live show. Yeah, the live show coming up. I think it'll be probably in a week or two. And we're going to post it on our website.

It'll be available for everyone to watch. A lot of people have been asking about that. It's amazing. And vote on these problems on the biggest. problem in the universe.com. Listen next week. Listen to every week. Tell your friends. Tell your enemies. Check it out on iTunes.

And thanks for listening. Stitcher. Stitcher was the other one. Stitcher. Listen to it on Stitcher. Hey, this is Jordan from Bountiful Utah and I thought that your detox diet problem was great. You see, I'm on a detox diet

known as Crohn's disease. And basically my immune system attacks my digestive system. So to put it up to I shit and vomit all the time. And I would rather drown in a sea of cocks than you hear one more person say

Gosh, I wish I could lose weight that easily. I think it's a worthy problem on the list because it would go in great addition to your people who can't eat spicy foods. Also, Dick, Cron's disease. Try not to drink so much. How about that?

Oh, try not to drink so much. Oh, try not to drink so much. Try to get a beautiful family and a woman that makes you happy and it's perfect life so you don't have to drink. No, Dick. No. Try to get a job that you just make free money and don't have to work.

Try not to be happy all the time. Fuck you, Jordan. No, Jordan's my bro. I like that. Yeah, try not to drink so much. It's like complaining about getting too much dick. It's like, oh, I just keep getting dick. Hey, just don't.

Hey, Mr. Sun, try not to be so hot all the time. That's exactly, that's a great analogy, Dick. Hey, Dick, of course products made in China are going to be inferior. It's because that's what people in this country are willing to pay for and put up with. It's like walking into a motel six and expecting a full body massage and a blowjob as part of the state. It's not going to happen. Yeah. You know what?

Maybe I am a fucking idiot. No, it's good when they read it. It's good when they read it because then there's like less fuck-ups. Yeah, you still got to bring in that fuck-up, that fuck-up pre-roll too. I will, I will. I got one song from, I don't know if you played the song. Stop me if you played it already. It's from Waterboy.

In an alternate universe, Matt Ops is a woman. Dick is a man. Sean is five. I present to you, Mary Lutz. I think you're five. I've been snacking on nuts all night. I would blow a guy if I'm going to starve to death. If I'm that hungry, I would do it.

I don't fucking care, man. I need to eat. Sean. I held off. Dick's impending surrogens. Mom. And who are you? And who are you?

Gay? Gay? Gay? Dick sister. I would blow a guy if I'm going to starve to death. If I'm that hungry, I would do it. I don't fucking care, man. I need to eat.

Boisterous. And then you take the other $110 that you didn't spend and you give them to me, Sterios coconuts. Mysterious coconuts. I want to hear from that guy again. Yeah, that's great. Asterios. Great song, Dick. That's it.