The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 36

Episode Date: May 11, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe. I'm Maddox. With me is Dick Masterson. Hey, what's up, buddy? How's it going? And Sean, our audio engineer. Welcome back, folks. Hey, guys. Hey, Sean. So, we had a big week, Dick. Who won? The fans were really confused. So this is kind of a confusing one.

Because man spreading discontent got the most votes. Right. Followed by satire with negative 903. Yeah. And a lot of people were confused whether or not a vote for satire meant that you were making a satirical vote, or if you're voting for the actual satire being a problem, in effect, meaning that you didn't understand that the satire problem was itself a satire. Are you trying to asterisk this one?

Is it what you're doing? Are you trying to say that you won somehow? I think that's what you're trying to do. However, I'll say this. I know what you're talking about, because everybody downvoted satire is a problem. And that was your intent, I believe. Yes. However, man-spreading discontent got more upvotes.

then satire got down votes. So I'm absolute valuing this one. However, since there is fuckery, I'm not going to play my song. I'm going to do something different this week. Do you remember what you said about the movie Titanic? Something about it being shit. And that you'd never watch it.

You never watched it, and you're never going to watch it. Oh, you motherfucker, I know what's coming. So now, every time you lose, I'm going to bring in 30 seconds of the movie Titanic that you have to watch. Sean, can you crank the volume? Because this is a very soft intro, setting the tone.

Son of a bitch. I've got it on my iPad right here. Do you hear it, Maddox? Yeah, I hear your bullshit. I hear your shenanigans. Look at these pictures. I'm not going to. It's a bunch of sepia shots of the Titanic.

If you're not going to watch it, I'll explain it to you. Yeah, you can explain it all you want. People that are never going to come home on the Titanic are in Sepia, waving to their friends and families. Fuck you, Dickmasterson. I'm tired of this shit! I'm tired of this! I'm never going to watch Titanic!

Isn't it wistful? The song? Is it romantic? I'm sweating. I'm so angry. There you go. What is it? This has got to be a record.

Like 24 seconds into the episode. I'm already sweating. This is a part you have to watch. See the ocean? I'm not watching. I'm looking away. I'm looking at myself. Titanic.

It says Titanic. That's the title card. It's bullshit. That's it. It's bullshit. Okay, that's it. Good. You know what?

I'm going to contact my lawyers to have them sue me. Well, there you have it. That's one win out of It's a three-hour movie. Okay. So that'll take six hours to get through, 600 podcasts to get through, 600 losses,

and you'll have watched the whole thing. And it's important to note that no one wins or loses on the show. All right. Matt Allegrette says, Satire being a problem is Maddox's arrogant way of showing that even when his problems get trounced, he still wins since it was a sarcastic problem in the first place. The true test is whether it has more downvotes than man-spreading discontent does, upvotes.

Well, I guess it passed the true test, didn't it, Matt? So I guess according to yours and Dick's weird, austere rules of this show, I won quote. It's bullshit. Anyway. I got a voicemail for you about satire. Hey, Matt, it's back on your Halloween episode. I sent you an email that said that your predator costume was like a homeless guy that passed out in an old garden dumpster. That was satire.

I just want to apologize and throw myself to the mercy of the thought police. Hey, thank you. Fuck you, Nick. Great. You know what? I will take that into consideration for the apology. I have a comment from Nathaniel Watkins. He says, man, people just have no idea what to do with the satire problem.

Is it satire? Should we vote it up ironically if it is, or should we take it straight? Hmm. Well, it looks like I think most people got it. It got negative 903 votes. Enough people got it. Enough people got it. I got a bunch of comments.

comments, but I got more hangover cures, like more than I know what to do with. And they're all contradict each other. More hangover tips. Some hangover advice for Dick Masterson. I've got it just like Maddox. I never get hangovers, but my girl's real susceptible to them. Filarious. Sorry.

And she finds that three things out. Lots of water in between every drink. Lots of water. Vitamin B12, like you guys already said, after a meal and before you drink. And furthermore, don't eat when you're drunk, because one. Once the alcohol is in your system, the food soaks up the toxins, and that releases them into your system and makes the hangover inevitable. Yeah, yeah, so don't eat and drink two gallons of water after every beer.

That's great advice. Yeah, what if you eat something that doesn't absorb anything, like a whole bunch of jellyfish or squid? It's all bullshit. I woke up this morning with my shoes on in bed. Am I eating? Is a magical cheeseburger going to fix that? Is water going to fix that problem? No.

I think a lot of psychotherapy, Pete, maybe. I got a comment from Brian Leong. He says, so mansprading discontent is basically a subset of shy people and introverts. Go vote up shy people and introverts people, because that's exactly what it is. It's a bunch of pussies who are too afraid to speak up. Hey, you want to show people that you're strong and powerful and equal and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. If somebody's doing something you don't like, speak the fuck up and tell them to stop. Otherwise, shut up.

Like, don't do this passive aggressive social agenda where you have the MTA system do your dirty work for you with a bunch of signs. that you go through the long arm of the law to post around the subway system, fuck you. Yeah. What's next? No farting signs on the subway? They actually have that in casinos.

When I was a kid, I'd go to arcades and it says, no elf humor or whatever in Spanish. That means no smoking shithead. Fuck. Really? Is that what that means? You thought it was especially targeted to Mexican people don't fart? He thought it was such a huge problem,

like rampant problem. It gets posted everywhere. Episode's over. Yes, it means don't smoke. Did the picture of the cigarette next to no fumar clue you in? There was no cigarettes. I don't speak Spanish. How the fuck?

I'm a kid in an arcade because my parents have a gambling addiction. Well, we've covered some major addictions already on this show. I'm pissed off already. Sean Thompson says, how can Dick drink a glass of water every three drinks? Doesn't that caller know there's a fucking drought? Yeah. Yeah, it's true. Water zeal.

It's canon manly says, Dick, enough. you don't have to explain the genius behind Maddox's problem. You're like the guy to party who explains jokes after they're told. On a second note, I don't know if satire being the negative votes means that the listeners actually get it and are in turn being satirical or they're complete idiots. Canon, I believe it's a mix of both, a mix of both, and probably more likely the latter. Yeah, you do have to explain things. Okay. Well, I guess there's that.

Let's see. Oh, I got one from Robert. Robert Arraujo. I don't know how to say it. Hey Dick, so we talked about Charlie Hebdo last time. And I made a point that yeah, they're using satire as a weapon,

right? Against people who use guns as weapons. Satire as a weapon, that's saw. They're using saw as a weapon. Yeah, they're using saw. So this guy says, hey Dick, freedom of expression is protected because it can be weaponized. That's the fucking point. People decided it was important to be able to express ideas contrary to those or instigative of other organizations

with the reasons and means to quell them, like terrorist groups and governments. This is why when you say they're using satire as a weapon to provoke this exact kind of response, you are called a victim blamer because you are a fascist freedom-hating, victim-blaming dick. Sean, please don't delete this. P-PSS. He did that wrong.

Dick, go fuck yourself. Yeah. I guess my point is, don't bring a pen to a gunfight. Yeah. Uh, that's your point, Dick? Yeah. Okay. It's a sentence long.

Um, I have one final comment from John Puckett. He says he's, uh, he's four months away from completing his degree in music composition. And then he correct you, Dick. He says, while you, while you are correct in that the key of C, A, would normally be diatonically minor. You are playing power chords. None of the chords are minor or major. So if any of you want to play the song Dick wrote, but doesn't know how to explain, the chords are in fact C5, G5, A5, F5, and he just goes on

with a whole bunch of music. Ah, that's the kind of musician you would be if you were a musician. Just nitpicky. That's the... Sean and I used to play out a lot as a band, and the worst part of it, it wasn't that no one would come see our shows, it wasn't that

it makes no money, it wasn't lugging all the equipment around, it was talking to musicians, because they're all horrible. Yeah. Like this guy. It's a punk song. Everybody knows punk songs are power chords. That's the I was just saying the structure in case you wanted to cover it on anything else.

That's a punk song. Yeah, yeah, that those guys played. All right. My victory song. Yeah. You know what song I'm talking about. Yeah, yeah, I know the fucking song, Dick. We don't have to...

Where is it? Okay, here we go. Oh, it's too late. Let's get to the problem. Speaking of shitty musicians and shitty sounds, my first problem this week is loud muffler douchebags. Oh. Yeah.

Loud muffler douchebags is my problem. So, Dick, I think that it's important to know. what the definition of a muffler is. Okay? This is literally from the dictionary. It's a tubular acoustic device inserted in the exhaust system that is designed to reduce noise. So by definition, any time a car or motorcycle sounds loud,

their muffling system is defective. It's supposed to suppress sound by design, you fucking tools. Yeah. That's why it's called a muffler. It muffles noise. It has one job to do, and if you disable it or muffle it, modify it so it no longer works.

Congratulations. You no longer have a muffler. It doesn't take a genius to modify a car to sound louder. Case in point, Dick. There's this guy on YouTube. It's a video called Drilled Holes in Muffler. Okay? It's a guy who owns a 1998 Ford Escort,

and he's trying to make it sound louder. You're going to play it? Yeah. The description of the video reads, and I'll be reading this to you with all the typos intact. Okay. I got tired of hearing nothing. I got tired of hearing nothing but engine,

so I divided to drill holes in my muffler. It's a lot cheaper than putting an exhaust system on, okay? That's true. There's not much than cheaper than drilling a hole in things. Yeah, here's an excerpt from the video. I have holes drilled into my muffler for loudness. it's cheaper than going and spending you know $250 on an exhaust system

you know you can get you know in your front or backyard depending you know where you park your car and you know it takes but you know

only like 20 minutes you know and the video looks like shit He's under his car showing his muffler. It just looks like shit. Is that an instructional on how to drill holes in your muffler? I guess. It doesn't even showing drilling holes in the muffler. Here's another excerpt, Dick.

Here's another excerpt from the video. Listen to what it sounds like. So why is this a problem, Dick? That's because it sounds like my apartment. Your apartment sounds like this. Yes, I live right off Hollywood. It sounds awful. This is what it sounds like between these assholes of this,

cruising up and down all day. I can't hear you. Police showing off their stupid helicopters all night. What? It's impossible to sleep. I've had chicks not want to come over a second time because of how loud my apartment is. It's fucking horseshit. What?

It takes my dog like a week to normalize when she comes over to my house. That's the reason they don't want to come over a second time. Shut the fuck up, Sean. At least I don't reek like weed, you asshole. Whoa. I haven't smoked in years. Shot fired. Equipment was stored in.

an improper area. Sean, Walter White over here. Yeah, yeah, Dick. That's why this horse shit is a problem. You can't fucking hear anything. Chicks won't come over to your apartment. You can't get laid or procreate. Well, well, well, well, I can get laid.

Well, settled down. There's a worse version of this, though. You think you hate these guys? I do. There was a trend a while back where guys would put whistles on their mufflers. Did you ever see that one? Like, they'd put, like, it's like a giant metal reed that they would attach the end of the muffler. It would be like 110 decibels.

Something ridiculous like that. Right. Congratulations, you made noise. Yeah. Something that babies do, literally day one of their life. They make noise. This guy goes on, Dick. This guy's a real more.

Listen to this guy. Listen to the way he talks. Listen to this. Press the like button down at the bottom. And, uh, if I get, you know, a good amount of views, likes and subscribers. I'll upload some more cool tricks that you can do to your car and just some other cool videos. Don't forget to like it. I got a lot of ideas that you can do with some car.

Oh, God. Yeah. So if you guys like this video, don't forget to subscribe. Hold on, let me get some phlegm out of my mouth. Idiot. Yeah. They want attention, right? Is that what it is?

They just want attention? I guess. They're not clever enough to get it like you do. No. They have to do. With the podcast. Yeah, they have to have loud mufflers. And can you believe that that costs less than $250 to install?

Drilling holes in your car? Yeah, I can believe that. In your 1998 Ford Escort. Hey, um, here's a big problem. Yeah, pretty big problem, right? Yeah. And anyone who doesn't think so just needs to talk over this for shit. Anytime you go to a restaurant or cafe, you're having a nice conversation.

Some guy with a small penis drives by and his Harley. Reving up his engine. Okay, we get it, guy. We get it, cowboy. Here's the thing. You're driving by at fucking 50 miles an hour with your loud horse shit motorcycle. No one knows who you are. No one can see you.

Always sees the back of your stupid skull cap, which, by the way, offers minimal protection to your dumb-ass head. Because apparently there's nothing to protect in the first place. These morons. Wearing helmet sucks, though. Yeah. It's wearing a helmet sucks. It feels good.

Not wearing a helmet. Okay, Dick. Get the breeze in your hair. I'm sorry, what? Feel like Major Kong riding the bomb into Russia. What? I'm sorry, some idiot was driving by with a small penis. Italy, listen.

It's really annoying. Yeah. It's super, like, I was going to play that on and on. I got like two, three minutes of that, but it annoys me so much. Dick, here's some statistics. Oh. Zero percent of chicks think your economy sedan wins races. Because it's loud.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I remember a study that found how turned on women get depending on what engine they're listening to. This was a real thing. And Maserati won. I don't think Maserati did the study, but they compared, like, luxury cars. So I don't know if what you're saying is factual. I think, I don't know where you got that survey that said zero percent of chicks think are turned on by these cars.

But I think they might be. Dick, this sounds like bullshit, the study. What would they do? It's just like... It's just something I remembered. I don't know where it was. Okay. It was on the internet.

It was interesting. I was like, huh, Maserati, you don't say. Yeah. Sounds as reliable as a truther. What do they go around with cotton swabs and dab their panties after they listen to engine noises? Like, how the fuck can they tell how turn on a chick is? That's a good question. I don't know.

By the way, how do you tell in general? I don't know. Yeah. I have no fucking idea, man. It's like just a black box. Here's some more statistics. You can modify your Honda Civic to go faster than a stock BMD. This is something that civic owners always say, oh man, my modified civic goes faster than stock BMW or Mercedes or whatever, right?

Whatever sports car you want. But 0% of people who can afford a luxury car give a shit because their car is worth more than your entire fucking house. Right? They can simply buy the stupid car that you have and the mods if they wanted to. Newsflash, they don't. You don't see Richard Branson driving around Elon Musk or not. Like driving around town in shitty modified Honda Civics. They don't give a fuck.

they can afford to buy real sports cars? Yeah, what are your thoughts on muscle cars? Like classic cars then? Because they're quite loud. They're low. And showy. But they're awesome. I hate these little rice rockets, too, but I love American muscle cars, dude. Rice rockets. So, buddy, mine. Is that an offensive term? Yes. Would you call a Mexican-made car a bean rocket or a Thai-based car, a coconut rocket? Like, where do you? I mean, I would. Not on this podcast.

I think you just did, buddy. Oh, get over it Is that that bad? No, I'm just bunching your balls I don't give a shit Listen man Muscle cars, yeah They're loud

Look, they don't have to be so loud And obnoxious I think that by design If that's how they were built Fine If they didn't have the muffler technology Back then Which they probably didn't

Because there are a lot of defects In muscle cars Like they're powerful cars Sure Yeah But they're not as efficient In many ways Especially fuel

Fuel efficiency I like the sound though Well back in the day They didn't have Catalytic Converters Yeah. Those choke off a lot of sound, too. The catalytic converters choke off a lot of sound.

Yeah, that's true. That's true, Sean. I don't know. Yeah, I guess they're cool. What are you on? Everything to be electric? Driving around? Like, nobody can hear anything?

Like some weird little kids play set? I mean, that'd be ideal, yes. Yeah. Yeah, you next time you have a midlife crisis and your penis is too small. Don't make us listen to it. Yeah. That's all I'm asking. All right.

Yeah. So you can sit at lunch and brunch and have. your tea and peace and quiet and have a good conversation with not me. Yeah, Dick. What, what, you're saying, you're saying, like, I'm some kind of, like, snob because I want to enjoy my, my lunch without this, constantly in my fucking ear, rattling my feelings in my mouth? Is that what you, what you're suggesting, Dick?

It is comforting. It's starting to get comforting to sound. Great. I'll play the rest of the fucking episode. You know what, we're going to play the rest of this fucking podcast. Every single episode from now on. Sean, I'm just going to send this to you, just loop it in everything. There you go, Dick.

Enjoy. Play it right over everything Dick says from now on. Shit drives me nuts. Do you have a lot of them over here on this side of town? Do you have a lot of those guys? Not as much, but occasionally. And it's usually right when I'm saying something important during lunch. What?

They just have this way of knowing right when I'm coming to the thesis of what I'm saying, right? Because I'm always orating. Oh, yeah. No, I know. What's a smother? fucking smart ass attitude you got here, Dick. Because it's like you're describing like a sitcom

where you reach the end of your I think maybe they heard you and they're just like, all right, just shut up. I'm tired of this oration. Oh, and they just drive by and just rev their engines for me, huh? I even watch there's a YouTube video of a loud muffler contest and all these Harleys and, you know, motorcycles are

lined up and the announcer is getting visibly annoyed by these assholes. Like, they keep revving up the engines while he giving instructions on how they should rev up their engines. And then he'll wait because it'll take a minute because one dickhead will rev it up. Another dickhead has to

rev it up because it becomes this giant fucking audio pissing contest. Oh, brum, boom, brum, here we go. Let's all fucking whip up our engines. And then one person dies down, another person revs up. It never fucking ends. Then two minutes later, the answer goes, thank you for that. Can I just explain the fucking rules?

It's a six-minute video for like a 10-second contest. Because in these morons, huh, yeah, loud, louder, idiot. There's a website called moneysupermarket.com, and it's actually surprisingly well researched. There's a ton of info on this.

The most common reason people modify their cars is not to make it more functional, like such as installing sunroofs or air conditioning, parking sensors, etc. But for performance and aesthetic reasons, modifications to engine and mechanics can increase your insurance rate by up to 160% dick

and all aesthetic modifications combined including tinted windows, spoilers, and body kit panels can increase your insurance by as much as 334%. Well, you know I hate car insurance. Yeah. Well, it sounds like car insurance isn't the problem necessarily.

I mean, it's exacerbated by body modifications. So what should these guys do? How are they going to deal with their tiny penises, though? I suggest they fuck off. Well, they should start fucking off and then keep fucking off for the rest of their lives. Okay.

Yeah. I mean, I don't know, man. You're bored with a small penis. You have to make it announce. Do you have to announce it to the world every time you drive by? So the most modified cars, I just have a couple of stats here, and then I'm done. Most modified cards, number one is the Mazda RX7, and the things that people modify the most are alloy wheels and the exhaust system.

Toyota Super is number two. Number three is the Nissan Skyline, and number four, this is one I didn't suspect, but it's the mini. and they're all alloy wheels, number one, and exhaust, number two. Was the cyan on that list? No, the cyan was not on those list. I find those things repugnant. Yeah, they're ugly cars.

I almost bought one, even though I hate the way they look and function, because they get really good gas mileage, those stupid boxy cyan XBs or whatever. They have a lot of storage space, and they get really good gas mileage because they're very weak engines. But, yeah, I almost bought that because when I was shipping a lot of stuff through my online store, I would take packages. to the airport or whatever.

I did know that about the skyline because that was my car for Grand Tourismo. Remember that game? Yeah, I remember Grand Triismo. Yeah, I had a real souped up skyline. Yeah. That was badass. Yeah.

I would sit in my apartment, turn up the speakers, and rev it up. Put them against the walls. Wow. There you go, Dick. All right. Real cool. Are you done? That's a good problem.

Yeah. Loud muffler douchebags. I think you're going to get your beat, though. Yeah, what's your problem, Dick? Jury duty. Jury duty? Yeah. All right.

Why is that a problem, Dick? Look what I have in my hand. You got a jury duty summons. You got a jury duty summons. Wow. Yeah, why do we have to do this? Why do I have to deal with this now? Because it's your civic duty as a citizen...

Oh, come on with the civic duty shit. Well, you know how many people they call in and use in jury duty? How many? 20%. So 80% of people are getting called in, sitting around, and then just go home. It's a huge waste of... everybody's time. Well, Dick, I was about to shit all over your problem, but that's exactly the problem I have with jury duty, so I wholeheartedly agree. Yeah, it's a big waste of time. Yeah.

I mean, okay, civic duty is their answer, right? Yeah. Why don't they just let, like, it should be yes, no. Hey, you have jury duty, do you want to do it? No. And then you could stay home. Yeah. Because I guarantee you 20% of people want to go be the executioner for someone in court. Sure. You know what I mean? Like your buddy. You have a who's like this. My life coach. Yeah, your life coach, the gun guy. Yeah.

Yeah. Did you know he was on a jury? Did I ever tell you about his experience as a jury foreman? You did, but we should definitely tell this story on the podcast. Oh, okay. Shonda, have you heard about this one? So your friend. My friend gets on a jury.

And it's a simple case. Three dudes knocked over a, some kind of convenience store or some kind of like everything store. They robbed it. They robbed. Yeah, they robbed it. They stole a bike. They were caught, red, they walked in, blatantly stole the bike, and they were caught like a couple blocks away. So my friend finagels his way up into the jury foreman position, and it takes him like a week and a half.

He meets up with me after the case. He's like, hey, hey, hey, Dick, I got to tell you about the case. I was like, well, what happened? He explains it to me. He's like, yeah, this poor Mexican store owner gets on the stand and, like, English. He's not very good with English. So he's trying to describe how these hoods stole a bike from his shop, right? But he doesn't speak English.

He said hoods? No, he barely spoke English. He was using like two translators. Yeah. And he's getting torn into by whatever, the attorneys. The prosecution. Yeah, the prosecution. Well, no, the defense.

The defense, okay. Yeah. So he's struggling with his story. And my buddy basically 12 angry men these guys. to being innocent. Even though it was like he explained the story. He explained the logline for the story is these three guys stole a bike

from this poor immigrants who can't speak English. So he browbeat the other jurors. Like with logic, like well, you know, his testimony was slightly inaccurate and it wasn't really very clear if this was, if he assaulted them

or like made a move to attack them. I'm like, who the fuck cares? Did you think they stole the bike? throw them in jail. Yeah. What do the specifics matter? They robbed a bike prison. Hey, Matlock, shut the fuck up.

Yeah. Let's put these dickheads behind bars. Right. Let's get a couple bike thieves off the streets. So these are the people who want to go to jury duty, by the way, because he loved it. You know what? These are like, these are junior deputies. These are volunteer deputies.

The same people, right? They're just like champing at the bid. They want to get in there. They want to get a little bit of power, a little bit of authority. You know, Dick, I have a jury duty story. I got summoned. the first time, a long time ago, to jury duty, and I showed up and there was a room full of about 200 people, and I thought, well, this is weird, because I see juries, and they're usually

made up of, what, 12 people? Maybe 11, I don't know. Yeah, and why is it 12? Why isn't it, like, three? So you can't have a-oh-oh-hmms time? I think it's an odd number, so you can't have a hung jury, I believe. No, it's an even number. An even number. So you can very much have a hung jury.

I think it's 12 because of Jesus. Yeah. I think it's 12 because of the apostles. I really do. Okay, well, made-up theories aside. Why is it 12? I don't know, Dick, but you just made that up. I don't know.

Sounds are good, though. Could be any reason. So I showed up, and there's like 200 people sitting around, and I didn't bring anything with me. First of all, the line to get into the courthouse is atrocious. I had to wait 40 minutes just to get in through their security checkpoint. Like, what am I bringing bombs into this? I don't give a shit.

You're calling me, assholes. I didn't call you. I don't want to be here. What am I going to bring in with me? A fucking samurai sword? I don't have anything on me. I don't even bring my cell phone. I'm fucking, they're like, oh, you can't bring any devices, anything.

So, and they didn't even provide parking, so I had to pay to do jury duty. I had to pay all day long for parking just to get into the fucking courthouse. No, it's ridiculous. It's absurd. Then I get in, and I'm sitting and waiting and waiting and waiting on these plastic, hard, fucking uncomfortable seats, while everyone around me has books and laptops and stuff, and I didn't know you could bring this. So everyone's sitting around with their laptops. I didn't know that either.

Yeah, they're having a good old time playing video games and reading and whatever because apparently they don't give shit about doing work or being productive. I do but I didn't have anything with me so I sat there twiddling my thumbs looking at the stupid propaganda posters about all these celebrities who do jury duty oh so and so Tony Danza did jury duty

so you should be happy to do jury duty I'm like fuck you give me Tony Danza's life I'll do jury duty sure banging banging Samantha what's her name on who's the boss? Mona you're thinking of Mona Mona was the hot one no

No, too. Maybe for you, buddy. I'm pretty sure it was. Alyssa Milano, that's the hot one. And they pay you, what do they pay you? 15 bucks a day in California? I don't know. They don't even pay, they don't pay you the minimum wage that like everyone else makes for your time.

Yeah. For showing up, they don't pay you minimum wage. It's their minimum wage. They made it up. Why are we not getting that? You know, Dick, while I was standing in line for jury duty, I remember I was frantically Googling how to get out of jury duty. Yeah. And all I had on me was my cell phone, and I was just looking desperately for any way to get out of this.

And I learned that a lot of people are saying, well, you shouldn't get out of it because it's your civic duty and society would fail, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I thought, you know what, that's fine. I buy that argument. If you need me to do jury duty, call me down and I'll do jury duty, but don't fucking waste my time. Yeah, that's what you mean you would do it if you just went down and were able to do it? Gladly. Why gladly? Because why not?

You hop on. You do your part. It's like five days of your life? Well, potentially. Potentially, maybe longer, maybe less. I think the average is five. I did bring in his stats for you. Well, I wouldn't mind doing it if it was just every now and then, maybe once every five years.

And enough people went through it. Yeah, sure. So you wouldn't mind? Occasionally, if they actually used me. If I came down and they made use of my time, rather than made me sit on a fucking plastic chair for eight hours, only to dismiss me. Not even give me lunch?

I had to go to this shitty chicken place. I think a lot of people are like you. though, and you would say yes on the form. If it was just check yes or no, like, do you like me, Superior Courthouse, check yes or no, you'd check, yeah, sure, I'll do it. What do you mean if you like me? Or do you want to do jury duty? Check yes or no

and send it back. Yeah. You would probably say yes. If they would use my time efficiently, every now and then I wouldn't mind. That's a perfect system. I would check no every time. Great. They should drag you kicking and screaming. Oh, yeah, that would make me a real great jury member.

Some poor bastard is going to have me on their jury potentially. Can you imagine that? Well, if you were on the same stats, you guys got stats, nope, save them. Don't care. Yeah. Guys, what do you think? Do you think they did this 12 because of Jesus? Probably. Yeah. Great, Dick.

Yeah. The wage thing pisses me off, though. Yeah, the wage thing's bullshit. They know how much money I make. So why don't I just get credit on that, on my taxes? Like, if I got to go down there for a day, can I just write off a day? Because, Dick, here's... Like, hey, IRS, give me a day of taxes back.

No, here's the problem with that. So, supposedly everybody is in the jury duty pool, right? From CEOs to people underneath the poverty line, supposedly. And although I believe that most really rich and powerful people find a way out of jury duty. Yeah, you just don't go. Yeah. But the people who are really rich and powerful, if they came down, like say you're a CEO of, I don't know, Walmart, you're one of the Walton's, whatever, and your daily salary is something like $100,000.

What's the government just supposed to compensate you that much money? Yeah, it's called a write-off. You don't have to pay taxes for that day. Yeah, and then it just lowers the entire tax pool. That doesn't make sense. Yeah, then stop asking. Okay. You know, then stop making so many things illegal.

Stop making drugs illegal. You'll need a lot less jurors. Yeah, Dick, I don't know. I think that it's more... Stop writing so many parking tickets. Yeah, there are a lot of bullshit laws. I think it's more important to go to jury duty every chance you can get to really push the jury nullification. What do you mean push it?

Like just... You want to explain what that is? I know what that is, but a lot of people don't. Yeah, there's a really thing. important thing because we've talked about this dick jury nullification is a power that you have is one of the most powerful things that you have in the country which is you can sit down on any jury and no matter what the evidence is no matter what the law is no matter what they bring in who they say who they bring in what they say no matter what you can always reject anything you want and

just make somebody who's guilty walk free as being innocent say for example in in bullshit chicken shit drug convictions for marijuana or uh blue you know No victimless crimes that they want to lock someone up for. You can have jury nullification and get someone off the hook. Yeah, I think it's important to do that. So they're not guilty of anything to me. If you find a law unjust, you have the power as a jury member to nullify that law. Here's a guy from Slate wrote this up.

I struggled to understand America's disdain for jury duty. I've been called twice, and both times I was happy to go. Do you agree with that? All things considered, I'd much rather do my regular. job day in and day out, then do jury duty. But I do my regular job every day. I find that taking a day or two or three off every few years to go do something different is pretty fun.

Can you fucking believe that somebody wrote jury duty is pretty fun? Fuck off. He probably wrote this on jury duty. I don't know. Yeah. For salaried professionals, jury duty is a paid vacation. What's not to like? What an idiot.

What an asshole. Yeah, this is who you're getting on your jury, by the way. Not me, because I'll avoid it like the plague. There's no way I'll get on a jury. And you know, writers can do their job from anywhere. So the slate dickhead probably just sat around in jury duty, sitting around making money, unlike all these poor schmucks who have day jobs, who actually have to be there and work their jobs,

and maybe they're clerks somewhere, and they're losing their salary. And this guy's, oh, it's a vacation, it's a paid vacation. Sure, why not, Dickhead? 32 million people in the U.S. are summoned for jury service every year. Oh, that's it? Yeah. 32 million?

It's a lot. It's like, what, 1%? 10% of the country. Yeah, yeah. I don't know, man. What percentage of our population is in prison? It's something absurd, like 10% right? Yeah, I don't know.

Wait a second. 10% of our population serves jury duty. 10% of our population's in jail. Hmm? One to one. What are you getting at? Every juror who goes to jury duty convicts a prisoner. Oh, that's your platform?

Yeah. Oh. You're a good, yeah. estimated number of summons is returned is undeliverable 4 million the people who just don't show up let me see that is 20 no let me find this

3 million 3 million people just don't show up so I think I'd be in good company if I just didn't go in right 3 million people nobody's getting busted for it yeah that's pretty good pretty good problem dick what else he got to get anything No, no, no, that's it.

All right, man. Let's get to a real problem this week. Okay. Oh, I got some funny excuses people have used. Yeah, let's hear it. A woman explained that she couldn't serve on a capital murder trial because she had been a previous victim of murder herself. She was a victim of murder. Oh.

Okay, well, that's a big problem. I mean, I do not want a ghost serving on my jury. You know what you could do during jury duty, though, Dick? You could listen to some audible books. Oh, yeah. Today's show is brought to you by Audible. Please visit Audiblepodcast.com slash biggest for your free audiobook download. Maddox, you know all about Audible, right?

They have 150,000 titles to choose from every genre. Audible has it covered. You get a free Audible book when you sign up today. They've got over 1,000 science and technology books and over 1,100 science fiction and fantasy titles. And you know what else they have? What's that? A bit of erotica. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. What do you mean, Dick? What kind of erotica? did they have on Audible? Well, I picked out some titles that you might be interested in. Yeah. Poorly made in China. That book I referenced a couple episodes ago, you can download that on Audible.

Great. Yeah. So you can educate yourself about China. Politics by Aristotle. That's an erotic novel? No, no, that's not an erotic novel. Neither is poorly made in China. These are just things you can listen to.

Oh, I thought these were all erotic novels. No. Okay, you're just proselytizing. for previous problems, Dick. I'm reading the ad. Politics by Aristotle. So you can pretend to be a greater mind. Sure.

And this one, I really will download this one. How smart is God? They did a test, they asked him. I don't know. I want to find out. That's the book, though. Well, you can also ask him about the jury duty question. And of course, my favorite milked at her uncle's farm.

I actually brought in some clips from that one. Oh, did you really? Finally. Okay, let's hear this. No, I'm going to play him at the end of the show. Okay. Just in case Audible listens to the ad. Yeah.

There are some books I found on Audible. There's one called Caught with a Dildo and Taken from Behind by Don DeVore. There is, Fill Her Up, the afternoons of a woman of leisure. Oh. Yeah, these all sound like things I want to listen to while I drive. Anyway, Dick. Great. So audible.com slash, what is it?

Audible podcast.com slash biggest for your free audiobook download. And guys, it really helps the show. Thank you so much for supporting the show. We're able to pay our transcribers and people to do thumbnails and all these things to help free up time because this shit takes fucking forever every week. Yeah.

Anyway, man, let's get to a real problem, Dick. My second problem this week is non-porn porn. What the hell is that? Like Cinemax porn? No. Like soft-core porn? No, I wish. I would settle for soft-core porn.

Here's what non-porn porn is. Man, I lived and breathed on soft-core porn like as a teenager. Yeah. When there was no internet and you had to scrounge around for porn, like a squirrel looking for nuts? Right.

Dick was looking for a nut. Dick, you won't find that nut looking at this kind of porn. Here's non-porn porn. It's food porn. Have you heard of this expression? Oh, yeah. He's fucking... Now there's food porn, space porn.

What's space porn? It's just pictures of galaxies. It's just a bunch of assholes who sit around giggling and saying, oh, look at this galaxy. Oh, man, it's porn. It's porn. space porn because look at all I love is galaxies. Oh, I can't get enough of galaxies. Oh man, look at that Milky Way. I'll give you a Milky Way right across your face. Um, swarm porn. You know what

swarm porn porn is? Swarm? Yeah, swarm. Like bees? Yeah, like bees, except it's birds. People like big swarms of birds and they call it swarm porn. Then there's bacon porn. I'm so fucking sick of it. Yeah, I'm really sick of bacon. I don't even like eating it. It's so bad like it's affected my enjoyment of eating bacon. Yeah. They've hurt you personally. Yeah. With bacon porn. Breakfast porn. Again, it's just eggs and bacon. It's a super set of bacon porn.

There's cheddar porn. Did you know this is a fucking thing? If you search Google images right now for cheddar porn, you'll find pictures of baked potatoes, grilled cheese sandwiches, cheeseburgers, mac and cheese, just people who fucking get off on fucking pictures of cheddar and food. Get a fucking life, losers.

There's cell phone porn, design porn, library porn. Not to be confused with librarian porn, which is hot as shit. Now there's just library. Porn. Search Google right now for a library porn and you're going to find just pictures and pictures of libraries. Not librarians getting stuffed, just

libraries. With Safe Search off. With Safe Search off, of course. There's destruction porn, just people destroying things. Wait a minute. That sounds pretty cool. Yeah, sounds pretty cool. You know what it is? Destruction. It's not porn. Just call it destruction. Yeah, okay. There's beer porn. And this is from Reddit. This is one of the threads. There's a sub-reddit

with beer porn. I think there's like 24,000. subscribers to it? This is the title of one of their posts Homebrewed Mosaic Single Hop IPA and it's just a picture of it and some idiot drooling about it. There's car porn, furniture porn, it never fucking ends, man. Now here's a problem with non-porn porn, dick.

The problem I have with it is the same problem I have with the word epic. It's cheapening the word porn. If you just apply the word porn liberally to non-sexual hobbies, it makes it harder to find real porn that you masturbate. to. Here's a general rule. If you don't masturbate to it, it's not porn. If you actually

masturbate to pictures of bacon or space, you're an asshole. You're not sexually attracted to space. Fuck off. The real problem with non-porn porn is that it slows you down while you're searching for porn, which means you spend more time masturbating and less

time doing anything else. That means you start your day later, go to work later, get your job done later, which kills productivity, and lowers the national output eventually bringing the economy to a grinding halt. Next thing you know, the jobless rate skyrockets, people move to slums and everyone dies in a giant race war.

All thanks to non-porn porn, it's the biggest problem in the universe. Voted up. Yeah, I think the cause of this is kind of related to my fireball whiskey problem. Okay. Well, because there's this like, there's this desire to be immature. There's this desire to use immature, words, like use juvenile words for things like porn, you know?

It's very, like, you don't think that's juvenile, the word porn? Like, you get, the time of your life when you're excited about porn, when it's new to you, is when you're like a teenager, right? Yeah, I don't know if it's juvenile so much as a race for hyperbola. Like, people are running out of ways to express themselves

in more and more extreme ways, so they have to say they can't just say, I like pictures of space. I like space photography. They have to say, I'm into space porn. Yeah. They have to suggest that there's some sexual connotation going on. Like, their clits expand because they look at a picture of a galaxy. They get erect, they get aroused because they're seeing a planet.

Is it... Or, I'm going to take the other side. Is this the first step to porn being integrated into everything? Like, naked news, topless newscasters. You know what I'm talking about? Like, idiocracy where everything is sexualized. I wouldn't mind that. Cheddar porn with, like, a bunch of naked chicks on it?

Like, okay. A bunch of cheddar stuff, then... Yeah. Yeah. I don't think so, Dick. That's pretty gross. You know, if it was that, Dick, I wouldn't have a problem with it, but it's not. It's becoming...

You know what they're doing? They're sanitizing Google searches. It used to be able... You used to be able to search for anything porn and then something that was nude or obscene that you wouldn't want to show your mom would come up. Now, I could pull it up any kind of porn and just show my mom. Here you go, mom. Here's library porn.

Look at a bunch of fucking libraries. Oh, you want to do it. you want to see space? Let me look up space porn. What do you'll see? Bird porn. Here you go. My two-year-old nephew is addicted to train porn. That's all he wants to watch is back-ho-loaders. Yeah. And dump trucks.

I want to watch some back-ho-load porn. Yeah. And train porn. Yeah. I'd back-load a hoe. I don't watch some porn of that. You know, there's even... Why are you using Google for your porn needs? Like, haven't we evolved past that?

You know, if I'm in a quick search... Look, Dick, that... Was my point, it's slowing us down to do a porn search. I shouldn't have to go to a specialized website to look up porn to jerk off. I should be able to jerk off any time I want anywhere, buddy. Do you really use Google to look up porn? If I'm in a pinch? Well, what do you mean if you're in a pinch?

Describe me the scenario where you need to use Google to look up porn. This I'm genuinely asking. Stuck in traffic. There you go. Thank you, Sean. Suck a jury duty. Stuck in traffic. My MP3 player just ran out of batteries. I can't listen to the erotic lactation story from Audible.

Uh-huh. And then I just, I need to look up porn. I might have a laptop handy or something, you know? I need to look it up. I might be in a library. Here's an actual scenario. Okay. You're at a friend's house.

And you want to use their computer. You're there for a few days. You forgot your laptop or whatever. You want to say, I don't know, rub one out real quick. So you hop on their computer. You hop into Google. You open up an incognito window. You have to use your friend's computer to jerk off.

Is your imagination that broken? I don't have to, Dick, I get to. It's not that I need it. It's not that I need it. I want it. In your friend's computer chair? That's kind of, like you're both using the same chair to get a heart on. That's weird. Oh, Dick, hold on.

You've never heard of the spank bank. Come on, buddy. I'm not going to jerk off in your chair. Spank bank. You see something. You put it in the spank bank, and you make a deposit and you make it withdrawal later. No, no. I don't feel comfortable with this idea.

You're coming over. Do you do this at my house? You come over and sit in the chair I use to jerk off and look at porn on my porno machine. That's weird. Not always. Well, did you see anything suspicious in your history browser? Of course not. Because I used an incognito window and Google search, buddy.

Do you do this, Sean? Have you ever used my computer to jerk off? No, never. But I thought about incognito. I was like, that would be a good way to do it. As soon as I said incognito, Sean was nodding like a hyena. I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, there's too much of this bullshit non-porn, man.

There's even child porn. Did you know? Just pictures of babies. You're searching for that on my computer, too? Just your computer, buddy. And while we're at it, you're not a sapiosexual. Can we talk about this? A sapio sexual, do you know what this is, Dick?

Yeah, I learned about this recently. Since my Tinder experience, since I learned what a sapiosexual was. And that everybody's chicks who I'm never going to bang in a million years are all that. Yep. A bunch of fucking assholes. A sapiosexual is a trendy, humble brag way of telling people that you're smart. Oh, wow. So you're so intellectual that you're sexually stimulated by,

intelligence. Cool. Let me know when you're intelligent enough to know that human physiology is basically the same and you can't fuck a GPA. You might find smart people highly appealing, but you can't grind your vagina against their IQ. You can hump someone's forehead all you want, but dumb people's foreheads are virtually indistinguishable from smart people's when it comes to smashing your genitals against them. In fact, I'd argue that dumb people may even be better to grind your genitals against because their foreheads are more sloped. How about that?

I never thought about that. Yeah. Well, does that apply to women as well or only men? What? I don't know, man. I've never grinded my penis against a dumb woman's forehead. Well... Oh, really?

Oh, boy, man. That's a whole new episode. Yeah, it's pretty obnoxious. That's my problem. I messaged this sapiosexual girl. The last girl I talked to was that. And within two messages, she managed to get into an argument

about Neil deGrasse Tyson with me. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Wow, what a sapiosexual. Yeah. It was a real blast. Yeah.

I bet people are just pounding down Stephen Hawking's door to bang him, huh? Yeah. Oh, you're so smart. Can I bang your GPA? I mean, kind of. Considering the handicap that he has, like, both literally and metaphorically, that guy has gotten a lot of ass and, like, uh, um, scandulously. Like, he bang his nurse?

Oh, yeah, I think he married his nurse. I think she was. his nurse while he was married or something like that. I don't know. Yeah, he banged his nurse. I'm not Wikipedia. Yeah, but I think that's more, that has more to do with him just being in close quarters with something.

Look, if you're in close quarters or someone long enough, you're eventually going to bang. Really? Even if you can't, even if you sound like a computer? Dick, that's why we cut this podcast off at one hour on the dot every week. We can't. We just can't. So we don't bang? We don't bang accidentally.

The sexual tension in the room after every episode, man. Oh, you could cut it with a knife. Are you done? Non-porn porn porn. That's my problem. Yeah, I do feel like it's in the same vein with I fucking love science. Yeah. That I know you hate.

I do. What's your next problem? What, you want them to call it? What, non-porn porn? Yeah. How about just the thing that you're searching? Instead of bird porn, birds. Instead of space porn, space.

Yeah, but how do they differentiate themselves from like exceptionally good pictures of birds? You want them to say that? Well, first of all, you can't search... That's not... When you search for bird porn, you're not going to find exceptionally good pictures of birds. You're just going to find a bunch of pictures of birds. Anything anyone considers a picture of a bird is going to come up in a search for bird porn. And similarly for bacon or anything else, it's just a cute way of doing it.

You know, how about this dick? You don't like cute stuff. No. How about just bacon enthusiasts? How about that? Oh, is enthusiasts too hard to type porn, four-letter word? Yeah, it's kind of tied into like the extreme marketing thing. Which I also hate.

Everything has to be extreme now. I know, man. And I heard a Ticcati commercial last week, and it sucked hearing it because I'm a big fan of Ticati, where they, it was all about like mansplaining and like man tervent. It was all this man shit. More sexist agenda. I was so sad about it that I, like, I almost wished I had not started doing that back when, like, 10 years ago when that was kind of new.

Yeah. To throw man on everything and do like that extremely masculine advertising. Well, now it's a derisive way to diminish something or to use it. It's condescending. Yeah, it's very condescending. It's a way to just attach gender onto some concept that they want to make gendered and push a social agenda where there is none. Well, it was a beer commercial. I don't know if they were pushing a social agenda.

I don't know, man. Anyway, dude, what's your next problem? All right, my next problem is a big one. Okay. I've been saving it up for a while, too. All right. You know. My problem is, change.

Changing your sheets. That's a big problem. Have you ever had to change your sheets, Maddox? Yeah, dude. Every time I wash them. Every time I change my sheets. First of all, it's impossible to do right. You feel like an idiot because I will put it on.

Somehow I managed to put my fitted sheet on wrong five times. Every time I change my sheets. There's no way to tell which is which. Which angle is which. Which corner is which. You are a jack-of-all-a-all-all-all-ship. Dick, you just, how do you put it on wrong five times? I don't know.

If you flip a coin every single time, you have a better chance of success than the way you did it. You'd think so, but it just doesn't work like that. You put it on right the first time every time. You know why? How do you do that? You look at the seams and one side is ruffled and has fabric hanging out. No, not inside out. I mean, I put it on like the wrong rectangle.

I put on the short side on the long side. and the long side and the short side. Well, what? Do you just get plain? My sheets always have stripes on them, so I know. The long way goes towards the long side of the bed, end of story. Oh, you son of a bitch, that's pretty smart. Yeah. I don't want chicks to feel like they're in a prison when they're in my bed, though.

No, no, no, they're very subtle. It's like a two-tone, it's a very subtle two-tone sheet where the stripes are very, you know, it's like a pinstripe suit, Dick. I know what stripes are. That's pretty smart. You always got a solution for everything. Did you do that on purpose? Yeah. Yeah?

Yeah. Because I remember I had this problem a long time. Actually, I didn't, when I was living at home. So it was a big problem for you at one point. No, I thought about it before I bought it at, I think I was at Bed Bath and Beyond or something. But at my parents' house, when I still lived in my pussy bed, I had a queen, right? Excuse me? It was a pussy bed.

Why is it a pussy bed? It was four pussies. What do you mean? It means everything you probably wanted to mean. It was like just... It was a car, wasn't it? No, what are you talking about? It was a queen-sized bed.

What do you mean? It was four? Well, queen-sized beds are for pussies. Oh, because they're not big enough for you? They're not big enough for me and for pussies. Okay. Because I just bang a lot. Another bags of sand comment.

Fuck you, Dick. You bang a lot. You call it a pussy bed? Yeah, man. It's my pussy wagon. All right. My pussy wagon. And now you have racing stripes on your bed.

They're not racing stripes, asshole. So what would you do with your queen-sized bed? Well, with that, you don't need to because it has a very obvious longer side to it. No, it's not obvious enough. Look, I struggle with it. Every time I have to change my sheets, I feel like a stupid idiot by the time I'm

done with it, and I'm a sweating mess. Like, I have to take all of my clothes off and wrap a towel around my forehead like a turban every time I change my sheets. Great. That doesn't happen to you? No. I'm not an idiot. It's exhausting. Dude, if you put it on wrong once, just remember which corner

was which and rotate it 90 degrees in any direction. Yeah, I understand that, but it just doesn't work like that. I don't know. I don't know what to tell you. This guy is stupid. Yeah. It's awful. Yeah. It's a huge pain in the ass. Yeah. I don't think so, Dick. And, and

it's not necessary to do. The only reason you change your sheets is because you're going to bang a chick. Yeah. And if she's already in bed, she's not going to leave just because the sheets are dirty. Well, she's not going to stay. No, no, no. She's already, She's already hooked in.

Dude, I'm not, if I was a chick and I was over at your place, I'm not hanging around your fucking disgusting beds with chili stains and pizza. I don't like eat soup and chili and pizza in bed. I don't know what you're doing in your bed, dude. You're running around your house wearing a turban naked. What the fuck are you talking? Who the hell? I don't know what's going on in your house in your life, man.

Well, it sounds like the apocalypse outside with all the helicopters and guys bumping their mufflers. Here you go. You don't think it's a problem. There you go, dick. Anyway, man. Not a problem. It's a problem. I had to change my sheets three times this week.

Oh. It's a nightmare. Why have you changed your sheet three times, Dick? What has been so disgusting in your sheets that you had to change? Because this girl was coming over, right? Same one? Hold on. What do you mean same one?

Different girls every time? No, no. Settle down. Okay. All right. What's going on, buddy? I mean, I might not have a pussy bed like you. Calm down.

But I do have girls who listen to this podcast. Hey, don't hate because I smash. All right. So, girls coming over. And I'm like, I'm going to change my sheets. Because it's been probably, I don't know, probably. I'll say a month and a half, but it was probably like three months. You know?

Let's be honest. Yeah. So I changed sheets and they're awful. Yeah. So we sleep in, like, they're so bad that she says how awful they are the next morning. Like, I was like, man, I don't think these sheets are, they're supposed to be flannel. but they're really uncomfortable. She's like, yeah, it's like sleeping on a burlap sack.

Oh, man. That's how much texture there was in grime on your sheets that she said it felt like... No, it was the material. It was like a bad coarse flannel. It wasn't like sand. I don't have sand in my bed. I don't know, man. So I changed the sheets.

She comes over next time. Yeah. Bang again, of course. Of course. And this girl was like crazy in bed. So sheets are soaked afterwards, right? Oh, ugh. So I'm like, fuck, I got to change these sheets, right?

What if another girl comes over? I don't want to have these, like, soaps. These sheets are ruined. I got to throw them away. Yeah, throw your mattress away, buddy. There's more DNA in these sheets than there is in my body. Gross. Like, counting all the cells.

Gross, man. So I change the sheets. Coincidentally run into the same girl at a bar. Bring her home. And I'm sitting there banging her again on brand new fresh sheets going, why did I change these sheets again? Because you're not a slob. Maybe that's why you change sheets, Dick.

It was a huge hardship for me. That's what I'm trying to get across. And it is for everyone out there as well, changing your sheets. Sorry he went through such a hardship, Dick. Sounds real tough. Oh, you got some stats. Let's hear these. 37. If I have to change those sheets again this week, I'm just going to call the cops to say, you guys do it.

I'm going to be one of those YouTube 911 callers. Yeah. That's like, officer, I need you to change my sheets right now. 37% of people change their sheets every week or every other week. That sounds like a lie. Can you imagine that hell changing your sheets every week? Well, every other week is men. Every week is women.

Every other week? Every week? People are changing their sheets? I know a chick who changes their sheets probably once or twice a week. Oh, my God. Constantly laundry. How can you change them? A couple times a week.

Okay, Sean, how often do you change your sheets? Do you even have sheets? I think you might just sleep on the floor, like some weird monk. He sleeps on piles of weed. He sleeps sitting up. He sleeps on money. On bills of money and weed. Jesus Christ.

Oh, my God. That reminds me. I have an update on my man. Sorry, Sean. How often do you change your sheets? I couldn't tell you exactly. I don't know. Probably not every two weeks, but...

Probably. Depends in the summer. I'm constantly hot, so it's like a lot more often in the summertime. But the thing is, is that usually like a sheet, usually a sheet or the fitted sheet doesn't make it back onto my bed all the time. Like it's like, what? You sleep on the mattress? I have before for like a week and then like, I got to put that thing back on there. But I have this.

Yeah, that's depression. That's what that's called. I've gone through a couple months of having no fitted sheet on the mattress. Those are dead days. That is depression. I've been there, buddy. I got a trick, though. I got a trick to...

So you can put the thing on right. You just have to remember where the tag is on it. I remember that corner. Yeah. I think I have that, but that's how I end up putting them on wrong five times. Because I don't remember it right. And I'm like, well, just turn it 90 degrees. But I'm like, well...

Yeah, but where's the fifth corner? What fifth corner? I'm sure, I just put them on... No, why did he do it? Because I put them on exactly the same way every time, I'm sure, because I wad them all up, because I have a gigantic parachute sheets for my Cal King bed or whatever it is.

And it looks like a square. Dick, Sean hasn't been recording this episode. This is actually an intervention. You're an alcoholic. We need to talk to you. You can't even put on sheets on your fucking bed. It's a problem. It's become a problem.

I would, man, I've never tried doing it drunk. Putting sheets on my bed? Because it's like math. It's like math to me. No, I'll just sleep on the couch. Well, you might do it right the first time. Yeah. You guys are right.

I should try. Yeah, 37%. So neither one of, both of you guys are. you're taking the fifth on how often you change your sheets. Is that what I'm hearing? No, you know, a couple times a month. Hey, so real quick, you had a story about your man. What people were asking, what happened to your man?

Oh, yeah. Somebody asked in the comments. And let's recap, for those who haven't listened to that episode way back when, Dick went to Burning Man and brought back something worse than an STD, which is a live-in guest. I might have brought back both. I still haven't got tested. Oh, man. Yeah. I'm going to fumigate this apartment after you leave.

Okay, yeah, so I brought back this guy, my man, right? Like my race, my race banon. That was his name, right? Yeah. Like my valet. It's not a gay thing. Okay, it's just a guy, my man. And he occasionally imparts words of wisdom to me.

Oh. You know, just every once in a while. So it's not condescending, but just if I might need them, he's there to look out for those moments. It's like a shitty drunk Yoda. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I guess, yeah, that's a pretty accurate description. Yeah, and what is you, what is your man saying?

I'm not going to tell the whole story now because I don't want to tell Tales out of school on this one specifically. Okay. I get a text from him. He moved. He stayed with me for a month. Yeah. In my apartment, being my man. Yeah.

Doing man stuff. Oh, great. And then I, uh, he left. He got too much. He couldn't find a job. LA wasn't the answer for him. Yeah. All right.

So he moved up to Mendocino. Um, where's Mendocino? What is that? Mendocino, California is in the middle of like weed county. You know anything about that? So everyone there. is, uh, let's just say a shady character. Yeah.

Right? Yeah. So I get a... Good place for somebody who's having, who's down on his lectimuth. Yeah, yeah. So I get a text from him. Hey, uh, hey, hey, Dick, how's it going? So, this guy...

Oh, gosh, I don't know what to call what to call this guy. Uh, I know him. He's an awesome guy. Call him Chuck. No, no, no, no, no. I mean, I don't know how to describe what he does. He provides a medici. Marijuana for people, I think.

He's a dealer. I don't know. I think the word is kingpin. Not dealer. He's a kingpin. So my man says, hey, he wants to kill me. What? Oh, yeah.

He's got a kingpin after him trying to kill him? And he goes, and he wants to kill you too. Wow. This was a text. It's like, oh, well, good to hear from you. Well, good job, Dick. Great, you got a kingpin after you. Anyway, so my problem this week is...

Wait a minute, wait a minute. percent of people change their sheets once a month. Okay. And 34% at least more, more than that. I don't believe that, though. Yeah, everybody's lying. I'm the only one here that told the truth about it. Yeah, because nobody wants to be considered

like a total slob or disgusting. Yeah. A couple times a month. That's me, for real. That is, really? Yeah. I might... I don't want to test it. We can set up a whole test, but we've got to set it up in secret. Yeah, we're not doing that. So, anyway, Dick. My problems this week were loud muffler douchebags and non-porn porn porn.

Okay, my problems are jury duty in changing your sheets. So don't forget to vote on these problems at the biggest problem in the universe.com. Check out Audible, our sponsor this week. Thank you for supporting us. And again, the problems this week. Jury, Judy, changing your sheets. The biggest problem in the universe.com. Thanks for listening.

I'm going to play some erotic stories for you. It was hard to put this together because as I was, listening to it, I kept having to jerk off and take a break. Well, thank God you were able to find it. Yeah. So here's some, yeah, here's some chapter. This is dairy farm training. Oh, shit.

Whoops. Okay, here you go. Are you ready for an erotic experience? Yeah, I was here. Milked at her uncle's farm. Vanessa's dairy farm training. Written by Leah Milken. Chapter one.

Pretty clever. Vanessa takes the bus to her uncle's farm. What were you going to say, John? No, it sounds like a computerized voice or something. It doesn't even sound human. This next part is going to give you some more evidence for that. Sexy Latina Vanessa was on the bus on I-35 in Texas to her uncle's farm south of Nuevo Laredo. Wow.

Sounds like a GPS, right? She could not believe that her family was forcing her to go to work for him in Mexico for the summer. Yes, sure, she got into some trouble in college and flunked a class. This is not a robot, but did that mean she had to go to work on a farm? A farm? Really? Her mother told her it would make her appreciate the opportunities she had in college. Wink, wink. The hard manual labor would make her wish she could go back and study.

Wait, did you say hard manual labor or hard manual labor? This five-hour bus trip was never ending. And all she could think of were the sisters she had left in her sorority. All the hot guys she had hooked up with, Vanessa enjoyed playing the feet. That's what I'm thinking of when I'm going to Mexico were hard labor. Oh, that guys I've hooked up. I got two more. I only got three clips from it.

This particular clip struck me as weird while I was listening to it. I listened to it once for enjoyment. And then a second time for more enjoyment. Yeah, for more enjoyment. Then a couple times later, I brought it in for clips. Here you go. She refused to totally give up her city lifestyle for the Mexican farm, so she kept her Kindle Fire HD and her iPhone 5.

Awbly specific. Very specific. I don't know. It's erotica for women, though, right? All erotica is for women. women. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, all erotic literature is for women.

If there are no pictures, then yes. If this was erotic literature for men, it would be seven minutes long. Yeah. And it would just be descriptions of tits. And it would be written in a way so that the text itself formed pictures. And there would be a guy grunting in the background constantly. Okay, here's the last clip. Because this, I'm trying to think of what women want to hear in their erotic literature, right?

If the guys on this bus were any indication of the farm hands, she believed she would have everybody wrapped around her finger before bedtime. Already she had one guy pay for her lunch while another bought her a soda at the last stop. It's a fantasy. All that for just a tiny smile and a couple of words. She hadn't even had to flirt or put out at all. Oh, man. She's been on the bus like 25 minutes, right?

She hasn't had to put out yet. I wish there was some statistics to see how many women stop right there to finish masturbating. Oh man, I didn't even have to put out this guy bought me a Coke. What a sack. Well, she gets hers. That's all I've got from chapter one,

but she gets hers eventually. Right, I got a quick voicemail. I don't know if this is... Duga, doga, doga, jugger, jugger, it just goes on for like 30 seconds like that. He forgot the Mohamed Jihad parts. Yep, and one more. Hello, Maddox.

This is the President of North Korea, Kim Jong-un. Oh, it's our friend, Kim Jong-un. Oh, you think of your podcast said today. I thought it's very interesting. You said, you were against satire. Satire's biggest problem. People should be jailed for satire. And I agree with you.

I'm right there with you. You're so right, Maddox. You're so smart. You know, a lot of guys say they're good at giving all sex. That's like you and me, we're good at receiving all of sex. That's a fact. That's a fact. That's great calling.

I got one more. Yeah, what are you assholes going to get around to some real problems? Fucking talking about satire being a problem is not even close to a real problem. Oh. If you fucking put on a pair of tube socks in your entire fucking life, that is the fucking worst thing that you can fucking experience next to wet tube socks. Put on wet tube socks. Your whole fucking life is just out the goddamn window.

Only fucking address the tube socks before shit gets serious. It's fucking awful and it's gone for too long. Why do we... We live in a fucking first world country. And we're getting fucking Chinese tube socks. You're over by the polo probably. I have no fucking idea. But that's a fucking problem.

The only thing a fucking tube sock should ever be used for is stuffing in the end of a Molotov cocktail to burn about a fucking tube sock factor. Fuck you both. We're not addressing the tube sock. Why do I get the feeling that that guy made that phone call on speakerphone with a bottle of whiskey in one hand and a gun in the other?

And a bunch of tube socks with holes in them? A.K.A. you dig. Did you call in? No. All right, that's it.