The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 37

Episode Date: May 11, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe. I'm Maddox with me is Dick Masterson. Hey, what's up, buddy? How's it going? Sean, our audio engineer. And with us today, we have a very special guest, Nathan Buckley. Welcome, Nathan. Thanks for joining us. Yeah, what's up, guys? Now, Nathan, you guys probably don't know, but he was one of the writers for our live show that's coming up. And we finally have a release date. It's February 5th, Thursday. Thursday, February 5th.

That's right. So whatever you're doing at work, block it out. Because you're going to be sitting at the computer rewatching our live episode all day on Thursday. Don't go to work. Well, make money, get paid to watch our show, go to work. You know, spread it around the office.

That's what I'm saying. Yeah. Make this thing the next Ebola. Except the Ebola's just about dead now. Did you guys see that shit in the news? No. Just about dead. Anyway, it pisses me off, except it's wiping out the monkeys. We'll get to that. Anyway, Nathan, I want to mention,

so Nathan's a really, he's a really funny comedy writer. And when Dick was proposing some writers for our live show, he mentioned Nathan, and I didn't really know him that well. So I checked out his Twitter account. It's at Duplicitron. And we'll link to it on our website, but it was so funny. There was like probably a half dozen ghost jokes.

Yeah, a lot of ghosts. Yeah, which I personally love. Really funny writer and comedian. He has a show, The Upright Citizens Brigade on February 11th called Revolver, and that's like a sketch show. And you have some stuff on Funny or Die. You're a pretty prolific writer. Yeah, yeah.

Do you have a favorite ghost joke? either of you? Oh. You're putting this on the spot, man. Yeah. Yeah, I'm going to Google ghost joke right now. No, do you have a favorite ghost joke from Buckley's Twitter? Yeah, from me.

No, not off the top of my head. I should have probably brought that. Yeah, you probably should have. What's it like being a Twitter celebrity, Buckley? You know, it's a lot of work. There are women. You wouldn't think there would be, but a lot of girls. Really?

Yeah. You have to go to tweet-ups. You do that? Yeah, I go to tweet-ups. I have fans. they come and uh you know they're not always that great to look at but they're there oh makes you feel okay oh hey buckley um how did the ghost patch his sheet i don't know with a pumpkin patch um how how does it how does it how does the ghost keep fit uh yeah by regular exor

size all right no that's enough that's not off of buckley's twitter isn't off of buckley's Speaking of sheets, who won last week? So, last week, nobody won, Dick. You keep tripping me up. Nobody wins on the show, it's not a contest. Last week, the one that, the problem that came in, the biggest problem from last week was loud muffler douchebags, followed by non-porn porn, then jury duty, and then dead last changing your sheets,

which was in the negative votes, which means it's not a problem, Dick. Yeah, that's weird. Because I got multiple emails last week from people. who they took a picture of their sheets at home where they'd written top and an arrow pointing to the top to help me with my problem, like on the underside of the sheet. I don't get why it got such a negative. Like everyone agrees that that's a real problem. No.

What do you think? Yeah, I don't change my sheets because I can't fucking figure it out most of the time. Great. Just like Dick said, you switch it, you switch it, and you think you, I mean, after one time you have to get it right, but you just keep going, it doesn't work. No. Like, there have been times where I feel like five or six months have gone by, same sheet. Oh, man.

Yeah. So you have the same problem that Dick has, chili and crap in your sheets. Yeah. No, they're not eating chili in bed. What are you talking about? I don't eat in bed. I get up and eat at the coffee table like a single man. Dick, you don't even take your shoes off when you go to bed.

What are you talking about? I've been to your place. Food everywhere. Is this why you change your sheets because you eat chili in bed? No, I don't. eat chili in bed. It's a giant napkin to him. He just sits in bed wiping his chili all over. Yeah.

There's only one thing I do in my bed and it's not sleep. Anyway. Is it jerk off? I got a comment, Dick, based on your problem, changing your sheets problem. This one's from Mark Procia. He says, he's suggesting future Dick problems. I'm going to read

a few of these. Washing the dishes. Putting away dishes. Washing your clothes. Drawing your clothes. Folding your clothes. Folding your clothes is a That's a big problem, man. I just leave like stacks of clean clothes around my apartment and I just pull out of the stack. Put it on a chair. Vacuuming. I got a clothes chair. Sweeping, mopping, scrubbing, shoveling snow, using a lawnmower and making dinner. Any of those coming up, Dick? Well, I know washing your clothes. Holding your clothes. Yeah, not washing. Washington's easy. You just put the money

and press the button. Yeah. I got a problem. I got a comment from Carlos Vega. I haven't changed my sheets in eight years. Gross. I've had probably more than a dozen women. on my bed during that time. Uh-huh. At least he's honest. No, he's not honest. There's no way he's had a dozen women on his bed. In eight years?

In eight years? You could get a dozen women in eight years. Not if you never change your sheets in eight years. No, because that's the thing. If they're already coming to bed, they're not going to bail. Like, they don't, women don't have a built-in black light. They know your sheets are dirty. They smell, dick.

They have noses. What is he just finding a whole bunch of chicks with no nostrils? They're drunk, Maddox. This is an erotic story from a real man. These broads are drunk. It's 2.30. They're not going anywhere. They're going to his eight-year-old sheets. Yeah, I don't know, man. I think he probably banged him on the couch. That's a lie. No chick's going to sleep on an eight-year-old sheets, man. Well, you haven't changed the couch cushion in probably eight years, so what's the difference?

Well, I have a leather couch, so it doesn't matter. I get out of here. That's pleather. Not leather. No, it's real leather. It's 100% genuine leather. Let's get a DNA test. At the real Rick James on Twitter, says Dick Masterson couldn't be more rougher. putting a fitted sheet on right the first try is impossible that's true right hey um i have a i have a clip that someone sent in uh dick because you don't you your metal gear solid knowledge is so weak buckley are you a fan of metal gear solid did you ever play the games do you know anything about it i only played the first metal gear the one on nes yeah that's as far as i got okay it's something

your foot's in the door so this guy sent this in dick uh you probably won't get half these references but it's uh pretty well done i recognize that yeah Mad Ox, this snake. The guy Dick doesn't know about, because he's a pussy. Oh, no. Pussy, I don't know about video games. I told me that you two are looking for the biggest problem in the universe. I think I found what you're looking for.

A terrorist group using the name of Foxhound are building an affordable nuclear weapon called Metal Gear. There's one last problem. Dick is a member of Foxhound Yeah Busted Dick Is that Is there more?

That's it, that's the clip What am I supposed to take away from that? I don't know, man, it's just a fun clip That has a bunch of... You know, everyone who's played the game Okay Metal Gear Solid, you're part of the conspiracy of the biggest problem in the universe

And the biggest problem being the Metal Gear Oh, okay, yeah I don't know what any of those things are Great Well, this is going to be fun I'm just so on I'm just so understanding I'm asking for an explanation

Wasn't that the game where you had to get a cardboard box Yeah Which by the guy By the way one of the guys who hid from Charlie Hebdo terrorist attack Hid in a metal In a cardboard box Kind of like snake did

In Metal Gear Satire right till the end Yeah Satire straight to the grave Tim John says Why in the hell would Maddox ever use Google To navigate porn videos and not an actual porn website that specializes in finding porn videos through its own database.

Yeah, I wondered that too. Yeah, you know, if you wondered it, you could go back and listen to the last episode when I explained why. Exactly after you wondered it. So, re-listen to the episode. Re-listen to the episode, guys. I have, I don't know if you remember this, Dick. I have a new segment. I don't have the intro to the segment, but it's called, I called it.

Remember this way back in episode 10, how long before some drug cartel gives someone a boatload of cash and says, hey, fit this with GPS, and here we go. Now you have to worry about drones. And by the way, just to stop you for a second. This is going to be a game changer in the drug wars. This is going to be a game changer in so many things, so many applications that are bad. Yeah, so I was talking about drones back in episode 10 and how it's just a matter of time before someone starts using them for drugs, and lo and behold. This picture shows what Tijuana police found when they answered a call of an object falling from the sky.

It was a drone carrying about six and a half pounds of crystal meth. You know, it's already started to happen. Let me tell you, it comes across as a little gauche when you promote yourself as having been right. So a lot of times you want to ask someone else to do it for you. Dick, you're telling this to the guy who runs a website called The Best Page in the Universe. I'm not afraid of coming across as a little gauche. Okay, I got a voicemail for you. Hey, guys, it's Alex from Toronto.

One of the great moments in this show's history happens for just a fraction of a second. That accepts the reality of... And he knows that somehow he always knew that it didn't mean no farting, maybe in the back of his mind, because he doesn't challenge you at all. He just goes, fuck. And the fuck was so great. Because it doesn't just mean that he knows he's wrong. He knew that this is going to be something he's going to get his nuts busted about forever.

Because he did not think Noel Fumar meant in any way ironically, don't fart. This is one of those things that you learned deep into your life. My whole life, I didn't know that that wasn't the case. I'm such an ignorant trick. Yeah. Did you hear that one? Buckley-Mackx thought no Fumarment, no farting. Yeah, I did.

Wasn't there an English translation close by? There was not. It was just one loan sign in this arcade. And I'm like, what, an eight-year-old kid looking at. the sign thinking, well, I can't fart. No farting. Never in your life, have you seen an English sign saying no farting, right? No, no, I don't think so.

Yeah, but Spanish, got to be no farting. Well, this was also in a casino, and I thought, well, I'm not, I don't spend a lot of time in casinos, so it's, you know, in this arcade, maybe they have special rules, because sometimes arcades smell like farts. You know that, right? Yeah. Arcades are notoriously bad. Arcades and skating rings smell like farts.

Everyone knows that. They're the farthest. I don't know that. They're the farties. And then someone, Dick, you, Dick, you take. tweeted at me a picture of a sign that says no fumar and it was a picture of a butt farting. Oh, I made

that though. Oh, you made that? Yeah. Screw up, bitch. He got him again. Fuck me. Shit. Hey, speaking of things people made on Twitter, did you see this fan art? Somebody really loved your dick

versus dick segment. Oh, my gosh. It was incredible. We're going to pose this on the website, but someone made some fan art. What's the guy's name? Oh, whoops. Yeah, there we go. Hold on. And by the way, guys, The guy who did that Metal Gear Solid clip, he sent that in an email. His name is Aaron Grace.

Thank you, Aaron, for that Metal Gear Solid clip. Okay, Daniel Warren. Daniel Warren. At Daniel Warren, 86. He made what looks like, it's like a boxing poster, like a title bout boxing poster of Dick versus Dick. And he's got me pretty good likeness with the muscles, the rippling muscles and the chest, I think. Yeah, it's basically me fighting myself. Yeah, read the captions.

One man, two opinions, no consistency. Biggest problem the news is proudly present a deadly duel of divided ideals. Dick the King of Contrarians versus Dick the stateless wonder. Hmm. So stateless wonder is probably a little scrappier. I put my money on him. Yeah. Sponsored by Fireball America's favorite whiskey.

Dick looks so pissed off reading this. It makes me so happy. That was so well done. And this illustrator, what's the name again? Daniel Warren? Yeah. Yeah, we'll link to it on the website. Really funny stuff.

All right, I got one more voicemail. Hello to you. My name is Regis. I'm calling on behalf of the Schwarmes Worldwide Schwarma Association. Definitely a real problem. The person who is suggesting that the hangover cure is to not eat

after being drunk, go back yourself, lady. We're fucking count on drunk people to make the Schwarma. Okay? Shurma industry, man. Charorama industry. I don't think half our audience even knows

what a shoramah is. It's like this meat that they kind of shave off this big thing. It looks like a, but it's way more delicious. People know what Schwarmes is. It was in Avengers. Oh, yeah, after the credits. All right, are we ready for some problems?

No, real quick. Dick, I have one more comment I want to mention. Some guy, I mentioned destruction porn, and this guy, Adam Hayes, looked it up on Google, and he said that I typed in destruction porn in Google images and got nothing but girls getting destroyed, in quotes, by Cox. I guess destruction porn is a very specific genre of porn. Oops. And then one more from Twitter.

It's at Doctor underscore underscore mail. He says, looks like Dick couldn't even sheet the bed. Anyway, Dick. Hilarious. And we have, oh, you know what? I do have Asteroos coconuts. Or Asteroos.

Mysterious coconuts. Yeah, Asteroos made a bit for us. He did another one of his This Day in Shistory bits. Here, I'll play it now. Welcome to the biggest problem in history, taking the history out of history.

In this segment, we'll examine the worst things to ever occur on today's dates. January 27, 1984, Michael Jackson's hair catches fire while filming a Pepsi ad. A pyrotechnic mishap led to the singer's head bursting into flames, like the bad guy from the end of Raiders. So why is this a problem? Because it never made it into the commercial. All I'm saying is, if they were a TV commercial where a pedophiles head caught fire, followed by the Pepsi logo, Coca-Cola would be out of business. That'd be a good commercial.

That'd be amazing. Good Super Bowl commercial. Yeah. Alleged pedophile, too, right? Alleged pedophile head caught on fire. January 27th, 1967, the U.S., U.S., U.S., and Soviet Union signed the Outer Space Treaty, which bans the plumbment of nuclear weapons in space. The coolest place to put nuclear weapons.

But don't worry, nuclear weapons on Earth, where humanity lives, are still 100% A-O-K. Uh-huh. Yeah, well, good thing, space is safe. Yeah. All right. You ready? I got some more of those. I'll play them later.

All right. What's your problem, Dick? My problem is, it's Super Bowl time. You guys know that? Great. That means I get to bring in a sports problem. Oh, awesome. The no fun league.

No fun league. NFL. The no fun league. Okay, Dick. It sounds like one of those old man type of begrudging, like, little comments. A derisive little, like a no-bama type thing. Is that what this is? The No Fun League? Yeah.

No, they, look, every year they crack down harder on touchdown celebrations. Oh. And I hate it. And I think everyone hates it. There's going to be 100 million people watching the Super Bowl. Yeah? Yeah. I want to see a show.

100 million people want to see a show. And the NFL's cracking down on touchdown celebrations. For what reasons? For reasons, I don't know. I'll get into what I think they are, but I hate it. and you should hate it too, because you like gloating. You're a man who likes gloating. I do like gloating.

I think you would be more into football if they would embrace gloating. If they inverted the amount of football that was played and gloating that was done. So it was like 75% gloating and then a little bit of football, I'd watch football. That's exactly what I think they should do. Not only should touchdowns have a celebration, every single play should have like a two-minute break of just celebrating. and shit talking. Yeah? Like wrestling.

Okay, I'm on board with that, actually. Yeah. Yeah, I was going to shit all over this. But, yeah, the gloating is the best part of wrestling. It's the best part of tennis. It's the best part of any sport. It's the best part of life. Yeah.

It's gloating. Yeah. Doing the touchdown dance. I don't know why it's a problem, though, Dick. And speaking of something I know nothing about. So I got you at the start of the show with Metal Gear Solid. You got me now with NFL. Well, do you know about spiking a football?

Yeah. Okay. That's an excessive... celebration. They've actually banned that. First of all, Dick, why have they banned excessive celebration? You know, I'll get into the why. So, in 1984, the NFL started instituted rule that any prolonged excessive or like premeditated celebrating was banned. And they'd find you, like 10 grand for it. But they didn't start enforcing it until, do you know who Terrell Owens is or Ocho Cinco? Have you heard those names? Yes. So these guys got into like a excessive

celebration war, where they would do stuff like, they would score touchdown. I think, was it T.O. who did this? He scored a touchdown. He would run out into the middle of the field and spike the ball on the opposing team's logo. He did this with the Cowboys. And the second touchdown, right, runs 50 yards to spike the ball on the logo, which is basically like a giant fuck you to everybody at Cowboy Stadium. He scores another touchdown. Does it again. He starts running 50 yards, and I forget who did it, but somebody on the other, somebody on the Cowboys just comes out of nowhere and nails him and tackles him. Good.

They should tackle him. Fuck you. Good. Fines, fines, fines, fines, fines, finds, every which way. But it's awesome. It's entertaining. I think the NFL has forgotten that they are a sports entertainment organization. Or, right?

Or forgotten to ever start entertaining, because football is so boring. But, yeah, the touchdown celebration, that sounds hilarious. I would watch that. Buckley, do you watch football? Do you know anything about touchdown celebrations? Yeah, I do. It's kind of the best part. And you know what?

The sacks, too, when they sack people, sometimes it's like, will sneak in a little celebration. Yeah. And it's fucking great. The movie Jerry McGuire was based on one of these guys, right? I mean, based on a football player? Yeah. Yeah.

Was that one of these famous football celebration guys? No, I don't think it was based on a real story. Okay, so here's the thing. If I was a football player It wasn't, was it? No. No. I don't know.

Who gives a shit? Whatever. It was? Jared McGuire's based on a real story? I thought so, too. I don't know anything, but I thought so. I don't know. What he's...

So, basically, in the movie, the guy does this big, outrageous celebration, whatever, and I think he, like, breaks his neck or goes into a coma or something. He becomes legendary, though, because he's known for this thing. Like, a football player...

That's real. Somebody smashed their head into a padded concrete wall and, like, paralyzed them. with the rest of the game. Well, depressing. So, anyway, this happened. Who was the guy a couple seasons back where his touchdown celebration was some like stupid V thing and everyone did it in commercials and they hired him to sell Campbell's soup

and stupid shit like that. Oh, I know who you're talking about. It's Christian Dune, right? Yeah, yeah. Are you talking about Tebow? Because he's the, that's the Christian guy, but that's not who did the V. I forget who did the V. Whatever, some stupid shit.

And it became like this big thing. So if he was fined $10,000 and then makes millions of dollars in endorsements and celebrity appearances afterwards. Is that really a fine? The NFL's just kind of trying to placate the critics with this $10,000 fine while still saying, okay, it's fine, keep doing it. Well, you're exactly right. Ocho Cinco would set aside $100,000 a season just for fines that he knew he was going

to do in advance because he would plan them out. Like he would plant signs in the end zone so that he could go under the snow and pull up a sign that says NFL, please don't find me. It's like a marketing cost to these guys. And it annoys me because you're totally right. Football is boring to a lot of people, and it's getting more boring even to fans

when they institute shit like this. How much do they make per game? Who? An average football player. I have no idea. It's lower than other athletes. For the amount of exposure that they get, it's much lower than other athletes. But a mid-range athlete is probably making upwards of a couple

hundred grand per episode or per per per episode of football yeah whatever who gives a shit you record him you can that's how they're referred to on the fucking tivo as episodes what it's not that much yeah okay not as much as no it's not a couple hundred it's not a couple hundred grand you don't think it depends no there's there's 17 weeks they play 16 games yeah the average the superstars make a ton yeah the average NFLer is really like compared to other sports like 40 grand a game way underpaid yeah i'm not sure i just know there's no way it's a couple hundred grand than their minimum wage is is 250K? It might be. For the year.

Yeah. For the year. Okay, that's still a pretty decent amount of money. And 10 grand is nothing to them. It's just a slap on the wrist. Well, it is if you're just a normal guy. Well, sure, but normal guys aren't making these outrageous, they're not making these super big touchdowns. It's the superstars who are, who are making millions of dollars per season. Right. So it's a slap on the wrist to them. It means nothing to them.

You know what? It sounds like, Dick. It sounds like we need income-based fines. No, no, no, we don't need any fines for these guys. It's sports entertainment. What, it's not, this isn't a cultural event. This is a game, this is a game where you go out onto a field and beat the hell out of each other. Dick, this sounds like it's a problem to you, not to anyone else. A hundred million people, Maddox, are going to be watching the Super Bowl.

We've got to be teaching kids that you have to get in your opponent's face and grab their neck and call them a pussy. That's life. It's not, you don't, you don't win and walk off the football. field and go, well, good job, good job. Let's shake hands. Let's have a good game. We should be teaching poor sportsmanship. Okay. That's the lesson we've got to be teaching.

That's why it's a problem. I wonder how many of that 100 million are unwitting friends who come over to a friend's house, say Dick's house, and you know, just want some chicken wings or they go to a bar and the game's on, you can't fucking ignore it because everyone's watching it and they're dragged along, kicking and screaming. They have to

watch this bullshit instead of playing scrabble at a coffee shop. Oh, stop. Everyone loves football. What are you? Boring. I feel like the fines are making it more boring because now players are afraid to do a lot. They're afraid to take risk. They're afraid to celebrate. And I feel like it's making it worse.

Yeah, you can't even grab your crotch anymore. Yeah, why bother playing? Well, that's unfortunate. Yeah. Such a shame that football players can't celebrate, Dick. Really big problem. I'm really worried about the plight of football players. You are such a hater with football.

Why? It's just the most boring. It's boring, boring, boring. Yeah, is that the only reason? Did you not make the team? I never tried. He can't wait to stop talking about it because he doesn't know anything about it. Is that really?

Of course I don't know anything about it. Of course. Because my mind's full of knowledge, important stuff floating around in here. Yeah. Except about Mexican signs. Yeah. No, man. I remember, so here is my beef.

My beef with football is pretty, I was pretty ambivalent towards football for most of my life. until high school. And that's when shit started hitting the pan, okay? Because I started, I was a programmer. All my life, I was a programmer, basically since early high school. And in high school, the computers that we had were 80-86 machines. These were those old green, black and, you know, those monochrome green IBM machines, those big clunky or those Apple machines.

And these were just god-awful computers. And I was in this programming class, and it was so underfunded. And I did the math, and I calculated all the funds in the same. school, and the majority of them went to our football team, which sucked dick. It was among the worst in our entire state. I remember one game, but they were showing the highlight reels at an assembly of our football team, and one of the games they lost 17 to zero, and the football team kind of stood up in front of the screen trying to block it. I'm like, no, idiots, own it. This is you. This is what all our money and our funding is done. Meanwhile, we're sitting here programming

on these archaic, like, pre-Soviet computers. to something that could potentially give me a career, a chance at a better life. Yeah. And instead, we're pissing away on uniforms so you can put jockstraps on your dicks. You fucking morons, you can sweat in these things,

you idiots. You apes, you can't even score a fucking touchdown? You can't take a ball from one end to the other? How fucking hard could it be? Meanwhile, I'm struggling. I'm suffering over here.

Underfunded computers, computer science classes, I was better programmer than my teacher. She was teaching us, Hello World. I was sitting in the back of the class. programming as Starfield. Like, what?

What am I doing? What am I doing in this fucking high school? Anyway, that's my beef with football. I knew there was something in there. There you go. Well, that's my problem. Great. I think it's, I don't know.

I think it's, I think there's some racism to it. Okay, Dick. Yeah. You know, like these good old boy owners don't like seeing Ocho Cinco and T.O. And a bunch of black dudes flamboyantly, according to them, celebrating. Yeah, that's what it is, Dick, yet they hire them, right? There's racism, yet they hire them. Is that, worth, there's a complete disconnect there?

Well, the fines would be the, a complete disconnect to what? It being slightly racially motivated? If it's racially motivated, why would they hire them in the first place? Because it's football. Because it's football, and they want to hire. Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

I don't know, Dick. As soon as they start fining black people in football and not white people, then then maybe you can make a case that it's a problem. But as it stands, it sounds like it's not a problem to anyone but you, and maybe a few idiots who are bored watching football. Well, my missing my fantasy football draft got downvoted pretty heavily. But I got emails about that. That's what weirds me out about this voting system.

A problem will get downvoted to hell, and yet I'll get the most emails from that problem. Like the changing your sheets, everyone was like, yeah, that's totally a big problem. They email me their fixes. It's because the dumb, dumbest people who also agree with you. They're the ones who are emailing you. Yeah, Dick, I can't believe it got voted down.

This is a big problem in my life. No, not a problem, guys. Get sheets with stripes on it. Not that fucking hard. It's a one-step solution. Anyway, Dick, do we have anything more for Mysterios or you? Let me see. Let me look at my notes here.

You have any stats? Got any stats. No, surprisingly, I don't have any stats on this problem. I got some more for Mysterios. Yeah. Just a shit story. Oh, wait a minute. Welcome to the biggest problem in history, taking the history out of history.

January 27, 1996, Germany celebrates its first Holocaust Remembrance Day. What? In 1996, Germany celebrates its first Holocaust remembrance day. In 1996. Well, let's see. The Holocaust ended in 1945. Okay, so subtract that from 96. Okay, let's carry the one end.

Okay, that is a billion. years too late for remembering the Holocaust. Germany, you have a million cuckoo clocks. Use them. January 27, 1959, Keith Olberman is born. His potent combination of overactive gloviating and manufactured outrage, thrilled Americans from coast to coast for like a week or something. But Oliverman's real crime, being the inspiration for the HBO series, The Newsroom,

a show so bad that cancer suited, for play. Majorism. Keith Olberman, whatever happened to that blowhard. He's on BoJack Horseman. He actually does a really good job. Really? He does the news anchor on that show. Oh, yeah.

Good trajectory for this career. Oh, wait, I got one more thing. A guy, a Muslim, got fined for praying after a touchdown. Really? On Monday night football. Yeah, but then they reversed it. Oh, you see, now that's a fine I agree with. If you're going to fucking pray out on the field, fuck off.

Do your shit somewhere else, man. This isn't a place for it. It's not the time for it. If you got a quick little, you know, what's the Muslim version of the Christian cross? You know, if you can do that while you're walking off the stage or walking off the field, fine. But don't fucking stop the show for your prayer.

That's bullshit. That's a real thing that happened? That's a real thing that happened, yeah. They didn't know what to do. The ref didn't know what to do. So we flagged him. Should I push him? 15 yards.

Great. Buckley, thank you again for joining us today. You are our, I believe, our fourth or fifth guest on our show. So you brought a problem in today. I did. I brought a problem. My problem is people who got bit by the travel bug. These people who travel, which is fine, but they make it their thing.

That's all they want to talk about. They make it sound super important. Like they accomplish something by getting on an airplane and paying a lot of fucking money. Yeah. Like it's, you did something. Congratulations. What do you want? You did it.

You got on a plane. Anybody can do that. So you're telling me, if I buy a plane, ticket to an exotic location that's not an accomplishment? Not all of them. And that's the other part that bothers me is it's just some countries. Like, oh, yeah, that's a good one. Like, you're culturing yourself, this is good.

But if I'm a Marine and I go to Afghanistan to shoot some children, that's not okay. That doesn't count. It's traveling. Even though I traveled somewhere, very different from here. It doesn't count. Yeah, wait a second. And if I go to another country to shoot some children, I would say that counts as traveling.

My passport has a stamp, doesn't it? Yeah, you had a spiritual experience. Yeah. And culturally, it's very different than here, whereas you go to somewhere like London, you know, it's a little bit different. But don't that much. So what would count as something,

like a traveling experience? Like the easy ones, be like France, Germany, England, and then like Belgium, And then some of the more hardcore people go to South America, and they want to tell you all about that for a really long time. Oh, man. Yeah.

Yeah. Especially people who do any kind of like a child or food aid in Africa or anything to come back. And their Facebook picture for a month or two is just a picture of them surrounded by black kids. Yeah. And it becomes their whole identity. Like, you handed a black kid a piece of bread. Congratulations. It's not that big of a deal.

I don't. people do use it to define themselves that's what bothers me my my brother spent i don't know like a hundred thousand dollars traveling the world for two years wow but this is this thing this is his whole identity but to me it's like dude you just went on vacation for a really long time yeah and i'm glad you did but like sometimes he'll try to teach me things and culture me and he spent like 10 minutes explaining this dish that they serve in Venezuela called Covece. Oh.

Oh, Civece. Sounds so exotic. What is this Civece? Is it just raw fish? That you can get anywhere here, including Del Taco, Taco Bell, like, just walk outside. You can find this stuff, dude. You didn't have to do that. There's Peruvian, yeah, I've been to really low-end restaurants.

I think it's like a bar food now. You can get, like, jaladipo peppers and saviche, sure. Shrims, Ccevece. It's a thing everywhere. Yeah, just trash food. Who cares? Yeah. Yeah, it's just a bunch of buildings.

You're just going around seeing a bunch of buildings. What a bunch of dicks. That's what you guys are. A couple of dicks. I like old buildings. You can see everything on the internet. You can see tities on the internet. You want to see tities on the internet or in person?

Both. I like to have it all. You know what, though? That's fine because I got the Wi-Fi. I'll hop on and I'll look at old buildings on my way to see the old buildings. Well, people do use traveling as. It's got this like mysticism to it. Like, oh, you're more cultured if you experience.

But you're not. No. You just saw a bunch of buildings built for the wrong size people. Because they're very old. With plumbing that's probably better than ours. Yeah. And you ate a bunch of food and you shit in a new toilet. Good for you.

Yeah. I think it depends on the type of traveling you do. If you go there with the intent to try to learn something, fine. But if you're just going, I don't know, man, like a language. How French girls say no? Non. Is that how? I don't know.

Yeah, it is no. No, I've only heard we, we, we, we. But, uh, bags of sand. I love you, Maddh, what were you to say? I, yeah, no, man, if you go there and you try to actually experience it. So when I went to France, I went, I've been there a couple times, and the first time I went, I stayed, I couldn't find a hotel. And actually, Dick, this is because of you, I was able to find this place.

I was flying in on New Year's Eve, and I didn't think to book a hotel beforehand because I didn't plan on going to France. I bought the ticket on a whim, and I checked hotel prices in Paris on New Year's Eve, and they were outrageous, like 400 euros a night. I'm not going to, that's going to bust my banks. I'm not going to pay that. So I thought maybe I'll just sleep on a bench for a night. You know, it's New Year's Eve. I'm sorry, what? Maybe you'll just sleep on a bench for a night?

I don't know, man, sure. Whatever, fuck it. Have you ever done that? No. Okay. I have a home. Just trying new things. You're traveling into France.

Try some new things. Pretty nice. Even the benches are nice. Yeah, the fences are nice. I've seen pictures of old buildings in France, Buckley. They look great. I'll sleep on a bench in front of it. Plus, everyone's up all night, probably anyway.

Throwing champagne bottles around, which was true. You can sleep in Notre Day and you can be like the hunchback of another day. Yeah, I'll sleep in the clock. tower somewhere up there, or the bell tower. I, so I looked on, I remember just as I was about to close my laptop in defeat, you kind of in this Yoda way, this Obi-Wan way, like, appeared to me in this spirit dick, and it was like, don't forget to check Craigslist. And so I thought, oh, yeah, I will.

And so I hopped on Craigslist and went to paris.cragslist.org and found this guy renting a room in his apartment for 60 euros a night. I thought, wow, that's cool. And he said he lived near Notre Dame Cathedral. and usually when people say they live near a landmark, they're a couple miles away. I showed up, and this guy's like kitty corner from Notre Dame Cathedral. It's less than a minute walk.

It's the stop that's right there. And I had an incredible time, and I stayed there, and I learned this guy's life, and I hung out with this dude. I took him out to dinner. We were still friends to stay. Right there. That was the point in the travel story where I wanted to be over. Like when people are telling travel stories,

there's always a point where I'm just like, you hear that sound that, and you're mind. I'm like, oh, God, I might kill somebody. Like, please don't black out. Please don't black out. Stop telling the story. Well, you're in luck, Dick, because that was the end of my story.

Yeah, you're good at that. Yeah. So, but anyway, Buckley, what would you say about that kind of travel experience? Was that bullshit, too? Did I get the travel bug? No. Thank you. You're not one of those people, at least not yet.

I haven't talked to you enough to know, but you don't sound like one. And, you know, I'll admit, fucking Paris is great. It's fun. Yeah. It's a great vacation. You've been? Yeah. A few times.

Sure. But that's all it is. It's fun. And it's no better than going to, I don't know, Rosarito Beach or Cancun and partying your ass off. It's a vacation. Yeah. When people try to ascribe, so your problem is with people who try to ascribe higher meaning from their vacation. Correct.

Right. You just bought a ticket because you have time off from work. And a bunch of money, you don't know what to do with. A bunch of money to blow through. Yeah. What do you think about people who go? abroad to do some kind of service work.

What's the Salvation Army? Is that one of them? Is that a thing? Peace Corps. Peace Corps. That's the one I was thinking of. Yeah. What do you think of the Peace Corps guys?

I'm a skeptic. So every time someone tells me they're doing that, I just think they're full of shit or they're like... It seems like it takes a lot more resources to let them do something, right? It's like if someone wants to come over and like, hey man, I'll help you build your pool. Like, no thanks. I've got like guys who know how to build a pool out there building it.

are you going to do? I've read all these articles recently about people who go to do peace court work and they try to build these mud huts and shit huts wherever in Africa and they say that a lot of times like these these really young, weak, white girls show up and they try to build huts

in Africa and they don't know they have no expertise, no experience and so they're building these walls that are crooked and not sound they're structurally unsound that will collapse. So what the poor Girls that you wouldn't let put together

IKEA furniture in your house and building someone's entire house in Africa. So they're basically murderers. It falls down. So, no, what they do, though, Sean, is after they leave at night, the poor kids come out from the village, tear it down and rebuild it correctly.

Because these girls... And they don't want to be rude and tell them to stop because it's still bringing in some funding to the community and they don't want to lose that. So they'll let them come. I'm like looking at hot girls working. Yeah. Hot white girls working out there on mud huts.

I'll look at that all day. They get that muddy little thing on their brow, you know, because they wipe the, that's pretty hot. They should make African mud hut porn. Yeah. Like real porn, not non-porn porn. Oh, yeah. Anyway, Buckley, yeah, it's a good problem.

It's like being a nerd. People who say, like, oh, I'm a nerd. Oh, I love travel. Like, yeah, everyone loves travel. It's a vacation. Yeah, you're on vacation. That's why you're having fun. That's what, yeah.

Of course. It's not work. People don't know you where you're going. I had the best time when I was in France. Yeah, no shit because you're on vacation, not doing anything. Yeah. That's fun. You know, though, I read this thing.

You know, the OKCupid releases those studies every now and then where it says the two biggest indicators of compatibility are people who like to travel and their taste in horror movies. And so that's one thing. Yeah, that's just the thing I read a while back. So the travel thing, though, Buckley, like people, I have met people. who absolutely hate to travel. So what do you think of those people? What do you think of people who just refuse to travel, don't like it at all?

Have they done it and they don't like it, or is it just they're afraid? I'm going to guess no, because they're usually assholes. I know some people who prefer to stay home. Yeah, I prefer they stay home. Yeah, you don't like to travel? Great, don't travel. Stay the fuck home. I'm not going to hang out at your house.

Well, they're not as combative as you about it. They just don't like going on trips. You don't like to go on trips? Fuck you. I don't have strong feelings against it. I mean, honestly, I probably would have never gone to another country had not been for women making me. Oh, so this was like in a relationship you went to another country? Every time.

Oh, so are you, do you like to travel, though? Yeah. Oh, okay, here we go. Here we go. Yeah. What did you? Busted. A non-travelling.

To me, like, I'd almost rather go to Portland than China. What? What's in Portland? Bars? Women? Strip clubs. That's true. What's in China? Fucking Chinese food? You love traveling, don't you? Yeah, I love it. Yeah, you're one of these people. Let me tell you about the sabiche.

No, actually, so I've been to China, and to date, the best Chinese food I've ever had is still in Canada. See? Yeah, easily. See, that's what I mean. You don't have to fly 5,000 fucking miles to have a great pizza. That's true. The pizza in Italy is not any better than in L.A. I'll never believe that. That's true. fucking pizza. Yeah, I've had good pizza in just

about everywhere I've gone. Even New York. I bitch about New York pizza because it's so fucking thin, New Yorkers love their thin fucking pizza, which by the way, if you like your thin pizza so much, why are you making it it try to disappear? It's not existent, basically. Anyway, that's it. Did you do that

folded up thing? Yeah, I won't do that because it's a calzone. They have that. They're called calzone. Very specific dietary preferences. I'll eat anything, dude. Well, okay, do we have anything more from mysterious? You got anything else, Buckley? No, I'm good.

Okay. I got one more from Mysterios. Welcome to the biggest problem in history, taking the history out of history. And finally, the biggest problem to ever occur on today's date, January 27, 1993, French wrestler and actor Andre the Giant, passes away at the age of 46. Oh, that's a bummer. At 7 foot 4 and 500 pounds, Andre the giant was unquestionably, one of the greatest men to walk the face of the earth.

By age 12, he was so large that he had to be driven to school in the back of a pickup truck by his neighbor, Nobel Prize winning playwright Samuel Beckett. The fabulous mullah, famous female wrestler, wrote of watching Andre consume 119 beers, all by himself. Holy shit. out in a hotel lobby.

His fellow wrestlers were unable to move him from the hotel lobby because he was Andre the Giant. Yeah, in a week. So they simply draped a piano cover over him and let him sleep it off. Legend also tells of a time that Andre the Giant didn't feel like cramming in a cat because he was

a gigantic man. So he in the American Dream, dusty roads, each stole horse-drawn carriages, raced them around New York City, then ditched them somewhere, and could continued to get drunk in a hotel. The very next night, the two men main-evented Madison Square Garden.

There's a point in the universe where fact and fiction, reality and legend, clash. And that point has a name, Andre the Giant. The passing of this great man into myth is the biggest problem in history today. That's all for now. Until next time, this is Osterios Kokonos saying, The pass can go, a fork it's sad. So Andre the Giant died today? Yeah.

What was it? 50 years ago? No, 20 years ago. 119 beers? He weighed 500 pounds. I look this up, guys. That's 226 kilos, and that's a quarter of a ton. That's a lot.

Yeah. It's a lot of beers. Yeah. I think I've gotten like 20. Yeah. I've had 20 before. I think we've all had 20. beers guys. But let's

talk about the biggest problem in the universe, shall we? The real problem is overpriced vintage clothing, baby. Oh my God. You just want to tell people how to spend their money. That's your whole MO. Oh. Well,

you know what, buddy? Apparently it doesn't matter because people are already spending it by the billions on vintage clothing. Listen to this. This is from this website, narts.org. It's this national research, something or other. First research estimates that the resale... I was like one of my stats.

No, no, that's a real thing. I looked it up. First research estimates that the resale industry in the U.S. to have annual revenues of approximately $13 billion. Goodwill Industries alone generated $3.79 billion in retail sales for more than 2,900 not-for-profit retail stores. Buffalo Exchange. That's another one of these.

like Goodwill type companies, generated an annual revenue of $81.6 million in 2012, and Crossroad Trading Company, based in Berkeley, California, rang up over 20 million in sales in 2012. So why is vintage clothing a problem, guys? You have any idea? Overpriced vintage clothing or vintage clothing? Well, I'm going to make the case for all of it, but overpriced specifically. The audacity that you have to sit here and say that overpriced vintage clothing

is a bigger problem than the war on excessive touchdown celebration. That's outrageous. It's not a war, dick. What is this? Fox News? Here we go. Listen to this. The rise and sales... This is from the Dailymail.com.

It says, The rise in sales of vintage clothing boosts population of clothes moths by 75%. What? Who gives a shit? Your clothes are getting destroyed because of vintage clothing.

That's it. You should give a shit. NFL players should give a shit. What if they're making a touchdown celebration? their clothes just fall off and you're looking at some guy's shlong. That's more fines. More fines. Yeah, that's a wardrobe malfunction.

My problem is exacerbating your problem. Your problem is a subset of my problem, buddy. Max, how many moths are around chewing up clothes? Like, isn't that something that just happens in cartoons? Yeah, you would think. But here's the thing, Dick. When an adult moth lays an egg, it lays 300 of them. And they live for about 65 to 90 days,

with female adult moths living for about 30 days and laying 300 eggs in your clothes. You don't think that's a problem? No, because I've never known anybody that had their clothes eaten by moths. Have you, Buckley? I had pantry moths once? Is that the same thing?

I have no idea. God, they're fucking hard to kill. Dick, you probably, yeah, they're really hard to kill. You probably don't know because you just have piles of clean clothes around your house. Probably somewhere underneath those piles and piles is just big piles of moth larva. Oh.

Yeah. They're attracted to the smell of sweat, which can become ingrained in older clothes, even if they're undetectable to the human nose. An older clothes are more likely to be made from natural fibers which moths feed on, such as wool, cotton, and cashmere. Newer garments are increasingly made from synthetic materials such as polyester. That's why newer clothes is better than vintage clothes.

But is it the overpriced or do you hate vintage clothes altogether? Well, look, man's... I mean, I'm a betting man. I would bet that for some retarded reason you hate vintage clothes because it's people who look different than you. No, look, it's a... They harken back to another era. Like, if you wear vintage clothes from, like, the 80s or 90s,

you're feeling a little bit nostalgic. That's one thing. But then people go to the 20s. You don't know anything about the 20s. Who do you know that's wearing clothes from the 20s? Yeah, you know, there's a lot of suit-suit guys running around. Oh, yeah. Sorry, guys.

Only every time I open my fucking eyes, these fedora dipshits on Hollywood. Are you kidding me? Everywhere. They're everywhere. People wearing fedoras. It's not the fucking 20s dip shit. Take out your cabby hat off. You're not a fucking news.

boy, take your hat off and fuck off with your 1927. So they want to wear a hat. What's the big deal? I'll tell you what the big deal is. Have you ever worn a fedora? No. I know it's fun. Yeah, it's fun. I put her on just to see what it look like in a hat store and I look like a douche bag,

so I took it off. Very few guys can pull it off. If you can pull it off with a fedora, you're probably a detective. So, listen to this man. So Goodwill, I looked into Goodwill, And the CEO of Goodwill is this guy named Jim Gibbons, who in 2011 received a total reported compensation of $725,000. The CEO, that's it?

The CEO. Huh. Wow, that it's a not-for-profit company. How's he raking in $725,000? Oh, you think he should make less than that? Yeah. Do you know how many Goodwill stores he runs? Is shitload?

That company's huge, and he's... 2,900. Probably, I'm assuming, responsible for rebranding it with the Halloween? ad campaign. What Halloween ad campaign? How they always have like Goodwill and then they have like that little face that gets dressed up for Halloween. You've seen that on billboards. That's a brilliant campaign. Great, who cares. It's for helping people. Have you ever shocked at Godwill? Helping poor people. Oh really? Really? Yeah. Yeah. You would think, except in, in it, this is from Wikipedia, 2013 article on watchdog.org reported that Goodwill's tax returns showed that more than 100 goodwill's

pay less than minimum wage, while simultaneously paying more than $53.7 million in total compensation to top executives. The former CEO, Douglas Barr, of the Goodwill of Southern California, was the highest paid Goodwill executive in the country. He received a total compensation worth $1.18 million, which include a base salary of $350,200, and bonuses worth $87,000, retirement benefits of $71,000, and $637,000 in other reportable compensation. So what? So they're helping people? Yeah. Really.

Because Goodwill Industries, this article goes on. Goodwill Industries International has been criticized. That's going on all right. Can you summarize it? Yeah, here's the summary asshole. Goodwill Industries International has been criticized by some for using provisions of federal labor law to pay workers with disabilities less than federal minimum wage. Oh. So these people they're supposedly helping, they're paying them less than minimum wage.

Well, they can't do as much. Yeah, because they're not overcharging for their vintage clothes at Goodwill. their cheapest shit. If they would overcharge, they could pay these people more. Dick, they do overcharge. Have you ever fucking bought anything from Goodwill?

At a goodwill? They're outrageous. You can get out of here. What are you talking about? No, I went into a goodwill one time and I needed some construction boots because I was doing a thing. I believe it was for Mansors for Spike TV.

Not because you were doing construction because you were behaving like a jerk on a show, right? I had to masturbate into a cup. Anyway, I needed... For real or on the show? No, on the show. Boots to masturbation.

It was a full thing, I'd have to get up to demonstrate. Anyway, I walked into this Goodwill. I bought these boots and they were really expensive. They were like $70 for these construction boots and I thought, well, I guess that's the price. It's not allowed for boots. Construction boots are like $200, dude.

Yeah, $200, it's great. But these are used secondhand construction boots from Goodwill. Let me finish. So I bought, I bought, I'm getting fucking blue balls over here, literally and metaphorically. I bought these construction boots, $70. And I walked around the corner to Ross dress for less. And I thought, there's no way they're going to have construction boots for less than that.

Guess what? $20 for better quality, new construction boots. Then these bullshit construction boots, I bought at Goodwill. So I walked right back into the Goodwill that I bought these from. Five minutes later. And I said, well, I overpaid these. I bought these new ones from Ross for $20 just now. And they said, sorry, no returns ever.

They have a strict no returns policy. Of course. because of jerks. Yeah. What, Sean? I was going to ask for 20 bucks. They're steel toad and everything. Yeah, they were great.

They were on clearance. There's no way they were good. Yeah. There is no way you bought a quality pair of work. Buckley, you actually do work, right? Like, you're a real manly man. You're not a silly man like us. Yeah, I did construction for like 10 years.

I'm wearing construction boots now. These are $220. What's a difference between a $20 pair of construction boots and a $200 pair of construction boots? Safety. Safety. Yeah, I'll tell you what. Mine looked better than those, man. Mine were tough as shit. I bet these things survive a bomb. You could drop a brick on my foot right now, and I'd be just fine. You dropped two bricks on mine.

Maddox once dropped a mouse on his foot and came away on Skate. A good one, Sean. A computer mouse? Yeah. $70 does not sound outrageous for a pair of good used construction boots. It wasn't until I went to Ross and bought the new construction boots. And by the way, these construction boots from Goodwill were brown and ugly, and they had these like black souls.

And they were supposed to be like construction at fashion week in New York. Yeah, they almost look like waiter. They were awful shoes. What $70? What color do you want them to be? Like normal, you know the cream colored construction boots, the normal construction workers? Yeah, the tan. The khaki color or that suave color?

That's the one. That's what I wanted. Like classic looking construction boots. They didn't have it a good. They had these $70 horses, horse shit that I bought, and then I went around the corner and bought the new ones that looked perfect. That was exactly what the director was looking for. Okay, you can't possibly think that the construction industry runs on $20 boots, right? I'm asking you, like you, those are not good construction boots.

Those are not quality. No, they were quality. Dick, you have this fallacy. You think you pay more, you get more. That's fucking bullshit. You proved it wrong. You consistently prove it wrong. What are you talking about?

In the bonus episode, you proved it wrong. I won that wine test. No, you didn't. You chose... How did I not win the wine test? You misrinked the most expensive wine, dickhead. Okay, first of all, let me say this. You have no idea what expensive wine is.

If expensive wine on that test is $35, that's almost nothing compared to an $18 bottle of wine. Yeah, well, it's double, isn't it? No, $17? $100. Now, no. Shouldn't it taste better? Expensive wine? If you're going to shit on people who like expensive wine, you should be targeting like bottles that cost $200 or $300.

Not $35.35 and $18 is a label. Well, we're getting off topic here. Oh, now we're getting off topic here. No, no, because we're going down this rabbit hole. I mean, if you want, I don't know. No, go ahead. Go ahead. Because it sounds like your dick is so hard for Goodwill over here.

Listen, they tried to defend themselves. They said, so I mentioned the CEO making $831,000 in 2004. That's the CEO Michael Miller of Portland's Goodwill, right? It's fair. And they try to defend it by saying, law does not require executives to take a vow of poverty to work in a nonprofit sector. Auditors wrote of Goodwill Industries of the Columbia Williamette. But reasonable compensation is a substantive legal standard.

Miller's 2004 compensation ranks him in the top one-half to 1% of all American wage earners. Yeah, but how does it rank among CEOs? It doesn't matter. He's in the top one-half to one percent of all Americans. It doesn't matter to you, but that guy's based his entire life on climbing a corporate ladder, so it probably matters to him. Yeah, I'm sure that's what it was, and not some nepotism, some buddy, some yacht club. Hey, come on in, man. Oh, you know what, dude, I've seen it firsthand.

The CEO of my old company, the one I worked for, the telemarketing company, hired his buddy from high school. He had this cushy job. He made over $200 grand a year, and his job was just to go around. scouting for locations to open up new facilities, which translated to golf. He would just go around the country. He was a traveler, Buckley, part of your problem. He went city to city everywhere in the country just to places that had the best golf courses, and that's where he would choose to have new facilities.

And he was the CEO's buddy. He had the cushiest job, the best car. He did nothing except golf all day. What is your, in your ideal world, what's the max amount of money a person should legally be allowed to make? Because I know you think that. You can make as much as you want. Okay. Right.

What should be the cap? Because you don't think this guy should be making $800. No, because it's a not-for-profit. If these guys are here to help, if they're trying to do good, listen to this, Dick. 7300 of Goodwill's $105,000 employees are paid under the special wage certificate program. The National Federation of Blind considers it unfair, discriminatory, and immoral. So this company is entirely set up to help people who are poor,

who are veterans, who are people. who can't be employed otherwise, right? And they're paying them less than a minimum wage while their CEOs are coming away with $53 million in compensation. What if his net good, though, is better than his net, like, cost? Like, even though he costs $800,000,

what if he's doing more good for more people and generating a better life? Yeah, that's a good point, Buckley. Too bad we don't have that information. That's how you get written. That's how excellent questions get written off summarily on this show. Yeah, I mean, and you know, maybe

maybe that's true, but how, it would be really hard, I think, to qualitatively So what should they do? What's the problem here? Is it overpriced finished clothes? Because number one, goodwill is not overpriced, and if they were overpriced, they would pay their employees more. Because it would be a fancy vintage

shop. False, wrong. The people who work at the vintage clothing stores on Melrose get paid more than people who work at Goodwill. Okay. So you're saying that fancy vintage clothing places, I mean, maybe because they're hipper places, they might be independently run, you're comparing small independent franchises or small independent stores to large national franchises. Yeah, of course. The person who makes burgers at stout burgers that you've talked about several times on the show is making more than someone at McDonald's.

But that's a small independent company versus a giant franchise that pays their employees shit, especially the blind. If you want to hire someone blind and you're doing them a favor as a form of charity, then do, charity. Don't undercompensate them and then walk away with millions of dollars in your pocket. So people are not giving enough? They're not giving enough. You're saying they're giving charity, but they're not giving enough charity. Right. Okay. That's your stance? How much are you fucking giving? Well, I'm not a 501.3C charity, am I? Like these are companies that have been set up as charities. Like this is a charity. If you donate to Goodwill, you can write that off as a tax write off, right? You can write it off even if you're

you don't donate. Okay. All right. Dick Masterson, not me. Here we go. That's a Dick tip for you. Yeah, just a little dick tip. Yeah, Dick, I'm not a nonprofit.

But goodwill is. They're purporting to do good, and I don't believe that they are. And their shit is overpriced. And that's why I have a problem with it. Their shit is constantly overpriced. I've seen stuff in their, some of their clothes with motholes in it.

And yeah, moths are a big problem. You bring some of that stuff home, you think, wow, I got a really good deal on this clothes. Then you don't know. You brought in a ticking time bomb of some moth larva. And then they hatch and they eat up all your other clothes. You got holes in your clothes.

You're naked. Nipples are coming through your shirt. Oh, that would suck. Yeah. Big problem. I got a story. I got this shirt at a Goodwill for $14. That's extremely cheap.

What do you think? I think that that's what I would pay for that shirt. Yeah, it's a nice-looking shirt. I felt like I got a deal. Yeah. I bought stuff from Goodwill where I felt like I got a nail. deal. And I've also bought, I feel like more often than not, I pay,

I overpay for things at Goodwill and some of these, some of these places that sell vintage clothing. Some of the stuff they sell as vintage clothing, first of all, if it is actually vintage, comes from decades earlier. So the clothing is not going to last that much longer. A couple

washes, maybe. Right? I don't know. I mean, it made things differently back in the day. Yeah, they made them with cotton and natural fibers that attract moths. We establish that. Moths, the biggest problem in the universe. Is that the problem? Coming. That's an animal.

Coming soon. Yeah, I've never walked out of a goodwill thinking that I paid even close to the value of a thing. I'm always shocked at how cheap it is there. Okay, Dick. Great. Why do you go to Goodwill? Only if I have to do like sketches. For a deal. Yeah, only if I have to make a costume out of something.

For props and costumes and that sort of thing. You know what, to Maddox is credit. Right of that time I bought a trench coat. Yeah. I felt like they charged me too much money for it. How much did they charge you for a trench coat? It was like $45. Yeah.

You can get a new one for that cost. You get a new trench coat for $45? Well, here's the thing. You go to another kind of charitable company that's not Goodwill, that's not this franchise. In Utah, there's a big one called the Deseret Industries, and that's the Utah's version of Goodwill. And I remember going to those stores. Actually, the stuff in that and those stores usually are priced. pretty reasonably, but Goodwill is outrageously expensive.

Like, I've seen things, $40 for a used trench coat. Come on, man, you could go to a garage sale, you can go to a yard sale, you can find a trench coat, get your trench coat this afternoon. All right, I would love to see you do it. You want trench coat? Yeah. We can do, you know what, within an hour of the show. I will get you a $10 trench coat, buddy.

Okay. I do feel like in the last 10 years, Goodwill has become, like, aware of themselves, and maybe they think they're, like, kind of cool. Yeah, yeah. I feel like they've cranked their prices up, like, recently. Because I felt like a long time ago, it was more of a deal. How do they even price stuff? Like, everything is randomly priced.

Well, it's not for profit, but they still somehow made $3.79 billion as a not-for-profit. So to be straight, your problem is goodwill, not vintage clothing. No, it's the expensive. If they priced reasonably, if this vintage clothing wasn't overpriced through the roof, then I wouldn't have a problem with Goodwill. I wouldn't have a problem with any of these companies. Buffalo Exchange, you walk in? Oh, Jesus. It's so fucking hip. It's like a Hollister you're walking in.

Yeah, that's overpriced vintage clothing, but they can charge that because people know that they're getting quality vintage clothing there. Goodwill is not vintage clothing. It's just giveaways. They have everything there. Right. But it's not specifically vintage clothing. It's like a flea market for all clothes.

Yeah, but the stuff that you get there. But here's the thing. You would think that everything should be priced the same. Right? When you walk into a Goodwill, they have racks of clothing. Yeah, pantalones. $8. They have racks of clothing.

Sure. $6. Sure, they have racks of clothing separated by color, separated by style, whatever. And they should all be priced the same, but they're not. They know when they get a quality piece of fabric or they get a quality shirt in there because it's on a special rack. And I bought one of those a while back. I saw this shirt and I thought, wow, that's a nice shirt.

It kind of looks like the one Buckley's wearing. And I bought it, and I thought, wow, this is a nice shirt. I can't believe there's a Goodwill. And, of course, it was also, I think it was a nice shirt. I think it was like in the $15 to $20 range, which is more like the target pricing. You would expect to pay that about at a target, right? Or a Walmart for new clothing, not used hand-me-down.

Are you buying clothes at Walmart? No. I don't buy anything at Walmart. I'm like, Dick. I boycott Walmart. I just buy kids toys Walmart. I don't shop to myself. American Apparel, Lulu Lemon.

Those are my stores. Nordstrom's. Actually, most of my wardrobe comes from Nordstroms. Anyway, that's my problem. Overpriced vintage clothing. All right. So what? Should they make it more to pay the employees more? Or should they cheapen it and then stick the loss to the employees?

Neither. They can just stop compensating the CEOs that much. In fact, when this was brought out, when they came out with this report on watchdog.org about that CEO who's making way too much money, he ended up having to take a 25% pay cut. He's like, yeah, you guys busted me. So, yeah, it's a not enough profit. I'm sure he found a way to get it somewhere else. Of course. CEOs are pretty good at that. Of course. A bunch of dickheads. So they take 53 million that the CEOs are getting and they split it among how many thousands of employees?

They have 7,900 employees. That's it? Or no, I'm sorry. They have 105,000 employees. 105,000. Okay, so 53 million. What's 53 million divided by that many employees? It's... 530 bucks? 504, yeah. $540 a year? Yeah.

Does it, that's, that's your problem? No. People should be getting $500 more a year. Right, let me do this, man. I think, I think a good CEO is worth that. Yeah, $504. But I'm not saying that they should. See, it doesn't spread.

It doesn't spread like you're saying it does. No, I'm not saying they should just take all the CEO compensation and simply just distribute it all towards their bottom line employees. But if they, they don't have to pay such outrageous amounts for the, for the top CEOs. Do you see what I'm asking you? Yeah, what? Even if they got rid of the CEOs pay entirely.

Yeah. Okay. 53 million. Give it to the broke-ass employees. Yeah. They're only getting 500 bucks. Still doesn't solve. They either got to raise prices or they got to stick these people with no money.

Which ones it's going to be? The 105,000 employees who are part of Goodwill are not the ones who are undercompetated. There's only 7,300 of those who are. 7,300 are undercompensated. Okay. So let's add another zero. So five grand? It's about $7,200 a year.

Okay. So will that make it okay? That'll make a big difference. That's the difference between poverty and not poverty. Yeah, 7 grand is a huge amount of money for these people. Okay. That would change that life. But then all the people are making slightly more than that, you've got to give them a bump too, right?

No, you don't. Oh. If they're making, they should at least make minimum wage, as what I'm saying. Okay. Yeah. I don't know. Maybe they've got a money printing machine at Goodwill that they can. can cover this spread, but I think they're going to have to raise prices if they want to

pay what you're expecting them to pay. I don't know how much more they can raise them. They're already so fucking high. Overpriced vintage clothing. Biggest problem in the universe. All right. What are our problem? Buckley, thank you again for coming by.

Yeah, man, good times. You got any favorite Twitter comments? Any good stories from the Twitterverse? Hmm. I remember coming to one of your tweetups, one of your Twitter meetups. Oh, yeah, that's right. I introduce you to a girl. Yeah.

Amazing Night. However, the next time I ran into her, there was nothing. It was like... She's real weird. Yeah, it was like... That date was like a real dead fish. Yeah? Did you come over to your place and smell your sheets?

No, actually, I let her split the tab, which I usually never do. But that's how bad it was. I was like, this is an abortion. She turned you into a feminist. Big problem. The date was so bad, I turned into a feminist. Yeah, Buckley. So we're going to link to your Twitter account.

It's at Duplicitron, right? That's right, yeah. Pretty funny guys. I didn't do justice on the show, but I consistently laughed my ass off when I was reading it. Thanks again for joining us, and your problem was? The travel bug. The travel bug. And Dick, one more time, what was your problem? Wait, how did you like writing for the live show? I loved it.

Yeah? Super fun. Was it weird? Yeah. Because you also came to the taping. Yeah, I mean, your fans are great, so it was kind of cool watching you guys read jokes and see how they went. But I was surprised at what went over well and what didn't. Like it was kind of swapped in my mind, you know. Yeah, I was surprised that anything didn't go over well.

I expected everything just be smooth sailing, baby. No, the show, yeah, so we're coming out Thursday, February 5th is our launch date for the live show. Right. And we'll be posting it online. Everyone will be able to see it. Thanks again for writing on that show is hilarious. Consistently funny stuff. Anyway, Dick, and your problem?

My problem is the no fun league. No fun league. The NFL. Boohoo. Buckley's is the... What's your problem, Buckley? Traveling. The travel bug.

People bit by the travel bug. Thanks for listening, guys. Just called in to give Dick Masterson a couple of quick tips on how to get those sheets on the bed since it's so goddamn difficult. Step one, take your head out of your asshole. I step two sheets on the fucking bed. That's not a very good tip. Dick, I'm that kingpin. You insulted fireball whiskey for the last time.

I'm coming for you. And when I find you, I'm going to rip your hell and shit down your neck. Sounds like your kingpin is either Batman or Duke Nukem. He doesn't know. He doesn't know what she was doing. Identity crisis. I think it matters. I'm talking about the Dick's bullshit second problem last week.

changing the sheets. Now, the next problem wasn't changing the sheet. What are you doing? It's called humble bragging, which is what Maddox needs to bring in her problem this week. And he's talking about, oh, change the sheets. It's such a pain of the ass, man. Oh, I bang this girl.

Oh, she's out of the world. My sheets are all sweaty. I had to change them. That I banged another girl the next day, another girl day after that. Oh, my God, change the sheets so much. Oh. I'm just getting so much pussy.

It's just like almost not worth it. is this sheet, yeah, bullshit. You sound like a dude who doesn't get laid very often. This is coming from a dude who doesn't get laid very often. So I'm on to your bullshit. All right, I'm going to you, guys. I'll show, switch up a little bit. Maddox, you're an asshole.

Peace. That's bullshit. Anyway, Dick, yeah, he totally got your number, dude. That was a humble brag. Someone else wrote that in the comments, too. This guy named Aaron Blackham. He basically was like, oh, I'm having so much sexy, sexy. I'm banging so many chicks.

I was going to bring it in the week before, and then it wouldn't have been a humble brag. So, I mean, you know, you can. vouch for that that I wanted to bring that problem in the prior week when I didn't have those stories about banging those girls. Yeah, that's true, because I'm sure you wouldn't have lied. I don't lie.

I don't lie about some biggest serious. That's the biggest fucking lie. I don't lie about that. Whoops. I don't lie on this show. I only lie outside of the show. People are like, you really did get tested for chlamydia, right? I'm like, yeah, of course. Yeah. No. That's a lie.

Dick lies outside of the show and then brings the lies into the show. All right.