The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 38

Episode Date: May 11, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe. I'm Maddox with me is Dick Masterson. Hey, what's up, buddy? How's it going? Oh, great. And Sean, our audio engineer. Hello. Welcome back.

Another great episode, Dick. We had a great episode yesterday. The bonus episode. Yeah, the bonus episode is awesome. A lot of laughs. A lot of laughs. For those of you who haven't listened to it yet, we played a rousing game of biggest problem bingo in the bonus episode.

Right. The bingo card that we posted on the video. the website last week on episode 37. We played it live during the show which was incredible. You will probably never... You know what? I would put money on it. If you haven't listened to the show, you will never

guess who wins. That's fair. And there is a winner. There is definitely a winner. Of that. Yeah, of that. Unlike our problems, who didn't win last week, Maddox? Not a contest, Dick. All right, Dick. The No Fun

League came in as the problem in the universe. I don't know how, because I don't even know what that is. I'm surprised. Yeah, I'm surprised, too. Well, there's a lot of secret knowledge about that problem, the No Fun League, that you don't know about, because I didn't come up with that, that phrase, the no fun link. Everybody calls the NFL the No Fun League. Because they do stuff like they're screwing with kickoff, so there's no more kickoff returns. Oh, man, it sounds like a grandpa came up with that name, Dick. It's such an old dad term. You know what? I'm so tired of you NFL crybabies. I actually brought in a song, Dick, to commemorate your problem coming in the highest last week.

Okay. Here you go. I made this just for you. And all the NFL whiners. A bunch of fucking cry babies. Every week it's something with the NFL. Oh, this guy hit some woman. This guy killed a dog.

There's always some fucking shit. Always drama in the NFL. This guy beat his four-year-old son. Yeah. I'm fucking tired of it. But now you whiner's crying about the dance celebration. Your whiners crying about touchdowns. Controversy with the referees being fired.

I don't give a shit. Guys talking to the media after the game, more controversy. Ray Lewis stab somebody. See, it's exciting. It's like the WWF, except it's real, and people are really going to jail for some of that stuff. Always crying. Cry babies.

Yeah. Followed by the travel bug. Our guest's problem. scored pretty well, and then everyone voted down overpriced vintage clothing, because I guess you guys were confused about whether the problem was the vintage clothing being overpriced, or moths, or whatever. Doesn't matter, I brought in... There was a lot of confusion from the audience, from me and Sean,

and I think a lot from you on what the hell that problem was. Well, I guess I can't help it that you guys are too dumb. Well, I brought him some comments about that, but first, I want to get to my victory celebration. Great. It may be banned in the NFL, but it's not banned on this show. As everyone knows, when I win... You didn't win. I play 30 seconds of the movie Titanic

because Maddox has sworn that he would never watch it. And for those who haven't listened to the bonus episode yet, I guess Dick gloated about having his solution come up before mine. So he played an extra 30 seconds. So if you guys want to listen to that horse shit, listen to the fucking bonus episode. That's right. Thank you for reminding me because I have to set up where we left off in the movie. Oh, great.

We had just discovered something. Underwater, we don't know what it is yet, but there was a diving crew. My eyes twitching. There was a bunch of robots with spotlights that spotted something underwater. So Maddox, can you put yourself back in that frame of mind yet? I'm not even going to put my headphones back on. And get ready to experience the romance and the adventure. Let me know.

I guess I'll see you guys in 30 seconds. That is Titanic. Later. Here we go. What a hell, man. What is it? It's Bill Paxton. See that?

Kim? What's Bill Paxton looking at, Maddox? Shut the hell up. All right, wait a minute, wait a minute. If you're going to step all over these lines that these guys are giving, this is... Bill Paxton does not sound like Angelo's mom. I'll rewind this.

I'll rewind it a minute and a half and make you watch all of this again. Okay. This is worse than sitting on my balls. They're going over the bow of what? What could it be? It's got to be illegal. What? What I'm doing?

I'm playing the end. NFL theme isn't? No, it's a remix. Look at that bow. Look at that bow. It's very front of the boat. It's going to come into play later. You're in the romance.

You've seen this before, haven't you? Yeah, I've seen it. What a pussy. Oh, look at that. I will never look. It's a relic. It's a relic from back in time, Maddox, that these guys, that these scientists are uncovering.

That's it. This bit's a relic from back in time. All right. I have a comment. This one, I have to read Anonymous, because it's a guy, he said, he's not representing any players in the NFL. However, he is qualified to be an NFL agent.

And he has some inside information about the salaries of NFL players. Wait, he's qualified to be an agent? Yeah. I don't know. He was trying to be vague. I'm not going to give his name. I mean, I don't want his name.

I don't give a fuck about this guy. Go ahead. You don't give a fuck about this guy? He gave us some valuable research. Okay. So there was some controversy about how much players make and we were saying it's not that much. The league minimum for a first year player is $420,000.

The salary cap is roughly $130 million, and top players are making close to $20 million. So the average player makes about $2 million per year. Thanks for that inside information, Jerry McGuire. That's weighted, though. You just averaged all those numbers together. Of course, yeah. The upper echelon makes the big bucks.

Right, but $420,000 isn't nothing. No, no, that's good. That's half of what the CEO of Goodwill makes. But it's not $200,000 per game. No, it's not per game, yeah, yeah. But still, $10,000 fine for someone who makes half a mill a year. It's a lot. It's nothing.

If I made half a million year, I'd jerk off in a wad of $10,000. God, I pray every night that one day you make that much money so you know how hard it is for these people. And you can stop with your shit about income-based fines. Oh, these cry babies. You're going to work your whole life and you're going to finally make that much and you're going to have some asshole in his 20s and 30s going, yeah, well, why don't you give me some of that? I don't want to work. Maddox, give me some of your money. money.

Is that what it is, Dick? Yeah. This is a bunch of whiners and cry babies sitting around. Is that what it is? Yeah, there's a Dick versus Dick because you were in favor for income-based fines when it came to dog shit, but not for the NFL, your precious fucking cry babies. I lost my temper. I'm done talking about the NFL.

Here's, I got some, let me read a comment for that. Oh, you know what? This guy said, from Louis B.C., hey, Dick, you selfish asshole. Why don't you let the guest talk for once? asked Buckley about his live tweets and then talked about yourself for two minutes. Yeah, that's because when I asked him and Maddox what their favorite

tweet was of his, both of them sat there like dears in the headlights with dumb fucking looks on their faces. Neither one of them could think of a favorite live tweet. Buckley's entire day is tweeting hilarious things. And we get him on the show, what's your favorite tweet?

He goes, I don't know. Yeah, you know what, Dick? An improv that's called pimping. You put us on the spot, dude. You can't just be Hey, you read this article, really? What's the source? Tell me exactly right now where you read this article. When you... I'm asking him the favorite joke he ever said. He's a joke writer? Why don't you tell me your favorite joke right now, Dick? I actually brought him in because I'm a professional broadcaster. Oh, you motherfucker. What do you got?

Here, because you assholes wouldn't do it, here's a sampling of Buckley's jokes. Duplica on Twitter. Well, that wasn't my question, but let's hear some. Yeah, these are pretty funny. Here's one of them. Well, it took forever, but I just paid the pizza guy entirely with the quarters. I found behind his ears at Duplicitron. Like a magician. That's very cool. A little about me. My favorite song is happy birthday,

and my favorite band is just my mom singing it. The ocean is a huge waste of water. Yeah, it is. See, I'm fucking on board of that. I had a tweet the other day. It said, mountains are stupid. He and I, Blood Brothers. Mountains are stupid?

Mountains are stupid. Uh-oh, spoiler. Whoops, looks like I got a little too much beauty sleep. He is, he is a handsome, handsome dude. I was huffing gold spray paint, and some got on my face, and now everyone in this alley thinks I am rich. I guess. Pretty funny.

I like that guy. All right, Dick, do we have any voicemails? Yeah. Here's one, since you want to talk about the NFL so much. Hey, Maddox. Cool quarterback calling. Good to hear. You remember that guy?

Is it really? What was the area code? What was the area code on that phone? I don't check that kind of thing. I wonder. I mean, it could have been. I don't know, man. I'm always shitting on those jocks.

Here's one about the CEO of Goodwill. You had a problem with him. Great, man. Hey, Maddox. Just because some asshole, your old company, got paid a bunch of money to go to golf courses, doesn't mean that the CEO, one of the biggest companies in the world

should work for free. That doesn't make any sense. And by the way, you already told that story before about the guy who goes around and goes golf and you dumb fuck. Oh, I'm sorry. Bye. Great. This guy who ends his voicemail with the exact same sign-off of every other voicemail is criticizing me for telling a story twice.

Get fucked. And here's the other thing. I'm not saying the CEOs shouldn't make any money, but this is a nonprofit. If your goal as a charity is to help people, right? Yeah. If that's your goal, that you should help people. You shouldn't pocket it. You shouldn't try to make yourself as rich as possible.

And by the way, when this came out, when this whole scandal came out with the Oregon CEO or the Oregon president of of goodwill. Scandal. Yeah, it was a scandal. Yeah, watchdogs.org did a piece on it. When this came out, he agreed to a 25% pay cut. He voluntarily agreed. Why would you do that if what you're making is justified?

It's like those dipshits, those politicians in Bell, California a while back, who were raking in over $800,000, and then they got caught, and they were like, oh, well, well, you know, we just, we, they scrambled and they tried to cover their asses. That's what they're doing right here. They do it for PR. Yeah, PR, but if you were just... Look, if I'm making my money and I earned it, you come to me and say,

hey, you're making too much money, and I'll show my fist to your mouth. Like, that's my fucking money, I earned it. I'm not going to cowtow. I'm not going to say, oh, I should take a 25% pay cut if I feel like I deserved it. The problem with that is the CEO's job is to increase the reputation of the company.

So, punching reporters in the mouth is kind of not doing his job right. He can't punch a reporter in the mouth and say, I'm a good CEO. Doesn't work like that. Yeah, because he's not a fucking badass wrestler like me. This guy agrees with you, Danny Price. I was at Goodwill the other day before I heard the podcast,

and I was outraged. Outraged. How overpriced this shit is. Especially when I compare it to the prices at the general store down the street. Cheese Grater, five bucks. Five bucks for a cheese grater? Get fucked. You can buy a new one for free.

No, that was the new one. I'm sorry, cheese grater, $5 at Goodwill. New, $4. That's ridiculously overpriced. It is ridiculous dick. That's like over a 400% markup on a cheese grater. You should be able to buy that thing for a... For a dollar, it's a 25% markup.

It's a used cheese grater, man. No, no, I'm saying it's over 400% of where it should be. It should cost a dollar for it. Would you pay more than a dollar for used cheese grater? You should be the CEO. You know how to price everything and you'd work for free. Dick, as a charity. I want to fucking scratch my eyes out right now with my pen.

I'm so fucking mad. Look, someone sent me a link. Then you'd really be the CEO because the CEO of Goodwill's blind. Did you know that? Is he really? Yeah. Wow. So you picked on a blind guy for 20 minutes last episode.

Is he really blind? Yeah. I guess that's cool that they have a blind CEO. Yeah. What does that mean really blind? Like his eyes are pointing in opposite directions. Oh, that doesn't necessarily. What is he, wall-eyed?

Is that that's a different condition than blindness? No, no, no, like he's really blind. Okay, well, it's that... Go look at his picture, you'll know what I'm saying. I guess it's nice that they gave a blind guy the CEO job, all right? There's something. Right? That's nice.

You don't see a lot of blind CEOs, and they don't see... Butte Sanchez wrote in. He wrote in with some future Maddox problems. You remember But Sanchez. Yeah, Bud Sanchez, your butt buddies. Expensive shoes? Expensive ties, expensive pants? Is that going to be one of your problems?

Could be? expensive seafood i don't know what are you getting that butt sanchise spending money that was the last one those are my problems great but sanchise here's your problem okay you don't have the nuance or the mental facility to even comprehend the amount of genius that goes into my problems like when i brought in satire as a problem and that problem itself was a satire brilliant yeah blew everyone's fucking minds everyone died who listened to that episode uh Died for aneurisms. That was a good one.

Yeah. One other thing I want to mention about that vintage clothing thing. Someone sent me this podcast from WNYC in New York. They did a piece on vintage clothing the day before our podcast came out, and they talked about how it's changed the entire landscape of vintage clothing and charities. They're starting to cater to high-end consumers at vintage clothing shops. And this lady said that in her neighborhood, she would watch family after family of poor people come in, look around, everything's too expensive, and they leave empty-handed,

where she said in the past they would come in and buy bundles of clothing. Now it's become this huge business where they buy pounds of clothes and then resell them on Etsy and eBay and high-end thrift shops. Putting America to work. Sounds great. Yeah, putting poor people in the poor bracket. Oh, stop. Yeah. They go to Walmart.

All right. We're ready for some... I got some more stuff here, but I want to save it. I got some stuff to promote the live episode that's coming out. this Thursday. Oh shit, really? Yeah. I got to edit.

Two days. He spent so much time watching the Super Bowl this weekend. You didn't edit the episode. Oh, yeah, big, big fan of the Super Bowl. Of the big game. You can't call it the Super Bowl. Have you noticed that? I know you're not a sports fan,

but have you noticed how everybody has to call it the big game on commercials? Why? Because they can't use the word Super Bowl? Fuck the NFL. I'm so tired of these fucking crybaby pieces of shit. No, finally. Someone burned that shit down.

You know, did you know that in the, The NFL, if you get three or more players together, I guess, I think it's three is the number. In a photo, they have to pay royalties for that. Like, if they wanted to pose with fans on Facebook or whatever, you have to pay royalties. The NFL wants a cut of that. Maddox, this is the No Fun League. Speaking of cuts, they find Marshawn Lynch for grabbing his crotch, calling it an excessive celebration. They are selling that photo online.

You can buy it for like $150 bucks. So they're okay with selling it making a profit off of it but they're not okay with him doing it They're okay They just want to make money

By finding him They want to make money by selling it They're a bunch of fucking hypocrite douchebacks And you're a hypocrite douchebacks And you're a hypocrite doucheback For supporting the shit industry I brought it in as a problem No you brought in

You brought it Do you honestly think the NFL is a problem dick Are you gonna boycott the Super Bowl? The no fun league is a problem I think they can fix it I don't want to throw the baby out With the bathwater I think they just make a couple tweaks

And we'll all be happy I'm okay with throwing out babies All right Speaking of throwing out babies Are we ready for my first problem? What's your problem, Dick? Ghostbusting the patriarchy Okay, great

You guys know what is happening with Ghostbusters? I sure do Are you up on your Ghostbuster news? Because I sure am and I am sure pissed off about it The cast is all women, right? It's all women. Yeah Why is it?

Okay, Dick, I believe that you are going to come across like an ass And I'm also pissed off at it but not for the same reasons, I'll come across as very moderate. So go on. What is your problem with this? Well, look, I love women.

Okay? Let me start there. Alien, alien, Metroid, Tomb Raider, all right? I love intellectual property with women. I've jerked off to all those. Very respectful, Dick. Amelie? 30 Rock.

You jerked off to Amelie? Yeah, 101 Dalmatians. I mean, she's basically a corpse. 101 Dalai. They're not even human. Cruella DeVille. Oh, is that the one? She's the star of the movie.

You jerked off to Cruel deville? Not even one of the female dogs? I mean, Disney does a good dog. I remember when Dick said the princess on Mario Kart had a hot ass. Yeah. She's designed that way to entice you while you're playing Mario Card. No, she's wearing a giant fucking boofy dress. You can't see anything.

You can tell. Does she wear shorts in the episode? Whatever. I don't want to think about Princess Peach's ass right now. Luke, so I just want to say that I love women in things. Okay? I don't think so. Okay, but go on.

I woke up, man, I woke up this morning, so the news came out recently. Wait, does Dick love women? Yeah, I jerk off to women all the time. Love them. I think they're great enough. Go on. I wake up, and I see, after this was announced, that it's an all-female cast, and I see, the first thing I see on Facebook is a guy on my feed saying, oh, it's nice to see all of the hate-mongering,

horrible misogynists out who have a problem with this movie. Yeah. Right? Instantly, I just turn on my phone and I'm already a hate-mongering misogynist because I think this is a dumb move. Right. And I don't

like it. Why don't you like it? Well, for a lot of reasons that I'll get into, part of it is that it seems like a shameless cash grab, or not even a cash grab, it seems like a shameless pandering. Because it is.

Not Ghostbusters. Ghostbusters is about plumbers and garbage men busting ghosts. You know, Dick, I don't understand how they can even make them women because one of the original Ghostbusters was a gorilla. Yeah. No, but all joking side, I had that same problem. I got in an argument, so I posted this tweet on Twitter, and I said essentially I was breaking down the Hollywood trends by decade.

And in the 80s, it was to take one of them and make them black, right? Sure. In the 90s, take one of them, make them gay. Every sitcom had a have a gay character. Yeah. And in the thousands, the turn of the century. Which is fine. Sure, I'm fine with those.

Yeah, whatever. It's just a trend. It's cool. Whatever. And in the thousands, they said, you know what? We're out of ideas. Let's remake them. And now the trend is, let's remake them with women.

That's all it is. Evil Dead. They decided to make Ash a female. What? Yeah, dude. That happened like two years ago. I didn't even see that one. The remake? No, I didn't see that one.

Ash is a female. No, because it's not Bruce Campbell. If it's not Bruce Campbell, it's not the evil dead. You know, it was fine. I saw it and it was okay. I didn't hate it, and I ended up not being totally disgusted by it. I thought it was okay. It was an okay movie.

It's no Bruce Campbell. But that's a problem that I think most people have with this franchise is that they're changing something fundamental about it. Like, they already did this dick. Do you remember the real Ghostbusters cartoon? The wheelchair guy? Yeah. They remade it with extreme Ghostbusters.

No one can even remember a single one of their fucking names. No. Look, I like to make one of them a black guy. Because it's a different perspective. You know what I'm saying? It's like, yeah. Okay, I see the Ghostbusters. Now one of them is a black guy.

Cool. I get to see that perspective on this. You know what I'm saying? It doesn't need to be four white guys. It's enough. I get enough of that perspective with three. All right, Dick. I mean, I'm on board.

Is that a problem? What do you think? Yeah. It's shameless and it's pandering, but as an audience member, it doesn't offend me. Okay? Right. Okay? Make one of them a gay guy.

Same thing. All right. As long as the point is, as long as it's not the point is that he's gay, it doesn't bother me as an audience member, as a consumer of this media, right? Sure. Okay. I'm not buying this argument at all, but go on. Really?

No. Yeah. I'll tell you why. I got in an argument with a Facebook feminist, and I think that's what we're not. I'll call them now because they're not real feminists. Tumblr feminists are called. Tumblr feminists, yeah, that's what this was. I like Facebook feminists.

I like the alliteration there. All right. But because it was on Facebook. And this girl was talking about, well, aren't you interested in having someone who's not white, male be represented in movies and TV shows? We need more diversity, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I said, yes, I agree that we do need more diversity. I am interested in more diverse points of view.

However, I don't think there's anything inherently unique or interesting about casting someone as a woman, as someone who's gay, as someone who's black, I think what makes us unique is our personal experiences in life, our points of view, and our life experiences. And unless they have that, I don't give a shit what genitals they have. I don't care about their skin color. I don't care about their nationality. I don't give a fuck about anything. I think that a person makes a person, right? It's not the color of our skin. It's the content of our skin. It's the content of our character that matters, isn't it? In real life, but I don't think that... In movies, too. Yeah. Why? If they, if they took old...

All of Dan Aykroyd's lines, and they just remade the Ghostbusters and then put a woman in there, do you think it would make a difference? It makes a huge difference. Well, sure. Because for the same reason that this is not, this is no longer a Ghostbusters movie, because the perspective isn't a blue collar trash man, schlub, anymore. Because only, and I looked this up, I got his stats for you. according to the census, the Bureau of Labor, 1.5% of natural resources, construction, and maintenance occupations are women.

So only 1.5% of construction workers are women. Yeah. So it's unrealistic. You're not going to have that blue-collar perspective of these women necessarily in the new Ghostbusters. Is that what you're saying? Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Yeah, I agree with that.

I'm saying that it's one out of 99%. Yeah. is no longer a movie about trash men fighting ghosts. Yeah, there's something about the every man. It's a movie about women fighting ghosts, which is fine. I'm fine with, okay? Yeah, yeah. But it's not the Ghostbusters.

It's not the Ghostbusters. Call it something else, guys. And since it's not the Ghostbusters, keep in mind, this is a movie that as a man, I have been supporting for 30 years. Right. And this is why I'm really upset about it, because I watch that goddamn movie probably four times a year, right? At least.

I watch it, no joke, probably once a year. every couple months. Yeah. And there's a ton of guys who do. Yeah. So this is like a... And people, and women. Like, everybody watches that movie.

It's a great movie. False. I do not think the split is like that. Okay. Well, do you have any evidence? What would you need? I mean, what would you want to search, like, Facebook likes for Ghostbusters?

What do you think the split is on the audience for Ghostbusters? I think it's probably about 40-60 with men in favor. I think that Ghostbusters is pretty universal movie. It's a great movie. I think a lot of people liked it. It was a huge blockbuster. Maybe. Go ahead.

You can't. You can't. have a huge blockbuster of that size without also getting the women audience. Yeah, but I'm talking about like diehard fans. Like, I think as you approach, like watching it like 20, 30, 50 times over your life, somebody who's like downloads the cartoons and watches, like, that gorilla joke, what do you think the spread's going to be on who gets that Gorilla Ghostbusters joke that you told?

Old people. What is the male-female split going to be in the gorilla joke? Oh, boy. I mean, it's all speculation. I don't think it matters, but if I had a guess, I would say 20, 80. But here's the thing, Dick. The people who are saying that the people who have a problem with this are misogynist, which, by the way, is just a lazy fucking cop-out.

I stop using that word. You don't hate women because you don't want to see Ghostbusters recast with women. That's not equivalent, you fucking morons. Listen, what this comes down to is keeping true to the France. I wouldn't want to see an aliens movie if they cast a man in the role of Ripley. It wouldn't be alien. It wouldn't be alien. I wouldn't want to see a movie.

I wouldn't want to see Tomb Raider with a guy in there. No. It's not true to the original. It's called Uncharted and it sucks. It sucks. It's a piece of shit. I've never been able to play through to the first save point in Uncharted. I keep falling asleep.

It's that fucking boring. No, because you can't play that game. It's a movie. No, I know. It's just a movie where you press A to go to the next scene. It's awful. It's like a broken DVD player. Although some could argue that Tomb Raider is Indiana Jones with a female lead, but it's a little bit different.

Yeah, because there's puzzles. Yeah, it's more about the puzzles and things. Indiana Jones was a movie. Yeah. Yeah, I wouldn't want to see... Plus, I've never jerked off to Indiana Jones. Man, that's a big difference. Well, that's your problem.

I have to Tomb Raider. What about what's his name, Top Round? Short Round is his name. Not Top Round. I was thinking of Top Round. Yeah, here's the thing, Dick. I wouldn't want to see any female franchises recast with men. I wouldn't want to see Selma and Louise with guys.

What about the other way? What if they recast Pretty Woman and they put Pat and Oswald in and Julie Roberts' role? That's just same movie, right? Same movie. Yeah, what is the opposite of a misogynist if you're against that? Are you a homophobe if you think that's retarded? Yeah. Richard Geert and Patton Oswald, Pretty Woman, too.

Yeah. Come see it. You're a hate monger. You know what the most damning thing about this whole thing is, Dick, is that they are exploiting women, and the women don't even realize it yet. Somebody commented this on my Facebook page, and I thought it was a really astute insight,

but they said that probably 10 or 20 years from now when we have enough perspective to see what was going on in this era, they're going to probably look back and see this movement as femsploitation. Oh, that's funny. Yeah, just like they did black exploitation in the 70s and made all these movies pandering to the black audiences. Now they're doing the exact same thing with women, and women are, not all women, the dumb ones,

the ones who are embracing this as a triumph, aren't really seeing it for what it is. You're being exploited. This isn't a triumph, idiots. This is exploitation. You're being exploited. And this isn't about men versus women. I don't give a fuck.

I'll see any movie with a female lead, as long as it's a good movie. I don't give a shit. Don't change something for no reason other than a cash grab. It just makes no sense to me. Like the whole movie's about guys doing dumb shit with science. You know? Yeah.

I know a lot of guys, and they're all dumb. They all do dumb shit with their technology. You know what I mean? Sure. Went to school with engineers. You know what they wanted to do with their technology? They wanted to make, like, an internet toaster. That's what they want to do.

Yeah. That's like, that's idiotic. And I've never heard something that idiotic in that specific way from a girl. And that's what Ghostbusters is about to me. This is, I have no idea with this movie, what this remake is. Are you going to see the movie and give it a chance or no? Fuck no.

No, I'm boycotting that movie. They boycotted us. I'm going to mancott this one. Yeah, man. This movie just stinks. It sounds like it's a cash grab. It seems like it's really offensive. Like, it's pandering, right?

And it's worse. Imagine the Ghostbusters three we could have had. I think that, you know, I think that ship has sailed too because half the cast is dead or not. not talking to each other. That's gone. It's gone. It's a dead franchise, I think. They could have rebooted it with, like, Chris Pratt from Guardians of the Galaxy. And, like, Magic Mike.

You know, that guy with Magic Mike with the delts and the penis. You just want to see a bunch of handsome dudes. And Glover's kid? Who's that guy? The Amazing Pornow or whatever his name is? Gambino. Gambino. Oh, Donald Glover? Yeah. That would have been a great Ghostbusters 3. It's a great guy.

Melissa McCarthy could have been Slimer. Or Slimer's mom, whatever. And, you know, all these, like, feminists who are saying, like, you know, health at any size and love your body and all this, isn't her whole schick essentially is, like, one big fat joke, right? Like, she's like the John Candy. Mike and Molly, which is a show about two fat people that are, like, making fat jokes. It's like two and a half men, but with fat jokes. Yeah. So I guess they're okay.

with that one, which I imagine that's all it's going to be in Ghostbusters, a bunch of fat jokes, which I liked the original Ghostbusters for not doing that. You know, I guess Ray was a little bit overweight, he's a little bit pudgy, but they made him a caricature in the new cartoons. Well, he also dreamed up to

stay puff marshmallow man, right? That's a joke on his fatness. It was a joke on his fatness, I guess. Was it, no, it was also a joke on his innocence. Yeah, I suppose so. Yes, it was subtle. That was why it was great. It wasn't hammering four broads into your eyeballs. No.

Like clockwork orange. All right, Dick. Should we get to a real problem this week? 1.5%. Like, that's pretty good stats. Isn't it? I got stats for you. Are you impressed that I looked it up?

That was a good stats, Dick. Good job. I got more on there, too. But I don't want to bore you with too many stats. Well, let's hear one more. Let's hear a dynamite stat before we move on to a real problem. Okay, hold up, hold up, hold up. Oh, yeah.

So if they're 1% of the, The construction force, right? Yeah. It's like making a movie about Ghostbusters, except they're all billionaires. Would that be weird? Because it's just as likely. Yeah. You see what I'm saying?

The top 1% of earners in America, now they're Ghostbusters. So it's four billionaires. Well, then you're just watching Batman. Except there are four of them. Another movie. Four Batman. There you have four Batmans. Which is, what, Avengers.

All right, go ahead. Do you think I'm going to look like an asshole on this one? Yeah. Do you always look like an asshole in these? I get all these emails and messages from women. They're like, oh, man, Dick's such a dick. I mean, if they are Ghostbusters fans, I don't see how they could support this.

A lot of them don't, and I think it's really insulting to the intelligence of women in general for these people who are coming out and calling people who have a problem with this misogynists. That's a really disgusting word. You can dislike something for a reason other than it being a hatred for an entire gender, which is fucking insane.

Yeah. I mean, I want to see, I'll see any movie. Like, again, I don't want to see aliens recast with a man. I don't want to see any franchise that is cast with a woman being recast with a man or vice versa. I just don't. I mean, I saw Evil Dead and it was okay. It's just not the original. It's not as good as the original.

It was fine. It was a different thing. And this is, I suspect that the Ghostbusters movie, look, it's a competent cast. I like, what's her name? The blonde one from SNL and she was in, oh, man. Yeah, she's so great. You can't remember her name. No, I'm totally blinking on it because it's late at night.

Chris and Wake, yeah, she's great. She's really funny. I think that she's going to do a great job in the movie and some of the other ones. Maybe, but it's going to be a different movie than what I expect, and I don't want that. Fuck it, don't see it. Go ahead. What's your problem? Black unemployment disparity.

Oh, my God. There we go. Boom. Biggest problem in the universe. Well, I feel very uncomfortable even talking about it. Nailed it. So this is from CNN. Like the original Ghostbusters.

One, Winston, and three. That's what you're talking about? Yeah, yeah. And actually, Winston, Winston's lines in those movies were supposed to be, he was supposed to be a huge part in that movie. And he got cut and reduced like the night before. Really? Yeah. They reduced him almost to a page. And I think he's made like almost no money on that movie. I think he made something under like $200,000 for the entire movie throughout the entire franchise. He got cut and minimized from that movie. I believe because Bill Murray and what's his name who played Egon were deciding against... I think they wanted to get Eddie Murphy in there originally, and Eddie Murphy couldn't do it, so they just got this guy and they just cut him out.

Which is a shame, but he's a really humble dude. Anyway, speaking of black guys not making any money, here's what the average white family... White families have accumulated far more wealth than black families, according to a new Brandeis University study, $265,000 for white families, and the average black family, $28,500. Wait, what?

260,000 versus what? 28,000. Okay, order magnitude. Wait, accumulated over how long? A couple weeks, right? No, there's no way that the average white family gets $265,000 in a year. Over a lifetime.

Over a lifetime. Probably. But 26,000 for a black family? No, this is over 25 years. Over 25 years. It's 265,000 versus 28,000. Okay. Over 25 years.

So a quarter of your life, that's how much money you would accumulate. Yeah. And there's actually another stat. That still doesn't sound right. No, it's probably right. 28,000 over 25 years. Yeah. No, but just like imagine how much a house costs, like in most of America.

not California, right? Okay, we're back, and actually what happened is, this is one of the first times we've ever had to pause the show because I just read a stat on air about the black income disparity that was so outrageous that Sean simply could believe it, and I went and checked. It's actually even worse, Sean. This is from CNN.

Over the past 25 years, the wealth gap between blacks and whites has nearly tripled, according to research by Brandy's University. The median household wealth for white, is $91,405, and for blacks, $6,446. What does that mean, those numbers you're reading? What do you mean $91,000 and $6,000? What is it? Well, that's their median house, their house wealth.

That's in large part because home ownership among blacks is so much lower. Housing is often America's greatest asset and a major component of their overall wealth. So a lot of black people just simply don't own houses. So they're paying rent. They don't have a lot of assets. You know, when you take out a mortgage on your house, or you can take out a mortgage loan on your car, you can remorget all those things. Those are things that black people can't do. Well, okay. Well, those are things that people who don't own houses, they can't take out loans against their house.

Exactly. And that's what they're talking about, wealth. So accrued wealth. All your assets, what are you worth? You're essentially worth all the things that you own houses. They don't own houses. Now that first stat makes more sense. I misunderstood accumulation. I thought that was like earnings. You know what I mean?

No, that's like that's like accumulation. It's more like savings. Yeah. Yeah. So I looked into why this is, and this article goes on. It says, income gains are also a major differentiating factor, even when whites and blacks have similar wage increases.

Whites are typically able to put more of their raises towards accumulating wealth because they've already built up a cash cushion. Blacks are more likely to use the money to cover emergencies. So black people are just barely getting by, and if they have any kind of catastrophic illness or a hospital visit, that'll wipe out all their savings and all their funds. Yeah, to be honest, I would rather see this, like, as a function instead of race, as of, like, where people live.

Like, do they live in the ghetto? Uh-huh. You know what I'm talking about? First of all, yeah. Like, it's, there is a ton of white people who've been here for a long time. They have a huge leg up when you're talking about, like, wealth accrual. Yeah, right? Right.

So I would like to, like, well, I mean, you can keep going, but. Well, it's interesting. I think it would be a better stat without, like, leaving people who came over on the Mayflower as part of this. Well, that's, uh, that's actually the next point I was about to read, Dick. It says, inheritancees also make it easier for some families to build wealth. Yeah. Among the families studied, whites were five times more likely to inherit. money than blacks, and their typical inheritances were ten times bigger.

So, John Stewart had Bill O'Reilly as a guest on his show recently, and Bill O'Reilly simply could not acknowledge, and I hate this expression because it's such a, it's overused, whatever white privilege. I think it just makes me cringe because so many people use it for the wrong reasons and the wrong way. However, Bill O'Reilly could not acknowledge that he, as a white person, had any benefits whatsoever in society. And John Stewart simply pointed out that in the 60s,

the community that Bill O'Reilly grew up in, blacks were not allowed, period. They kept it a white-only community. It was a nice gated community. I'm not sure if it was gated, but it was a nice, clean, safe, private community. And you see this all around the country. I went to Omaha recently.

And in Omaha, I believe the, what is it, that's the main city, right? Omaha and Nebraska, right? It's a big city, yeah. I think it's either Lincoln or Omaha. Lincoln's the capital, but Omaha's a big city within Nebraska, yeah. There is a very... There is a very big divide between where the whites live and where the blacks live. And you can almost see it down the streets where the whites and the blacks are separated.

The black side looks like the houses are a little bit shodier and they're closer together and they're denser. And it looks like the streets are not as well kept versus the white side. side. You can see this, and it's not necessarily that there's some kind of institutional racism that's going on today. However, the remnants of the institutional racism that was in the past are still there.

Yeah, sucks. Yeah. And the stats go on. When it comes to education, black graduates are often more saddled with college loans, making it harder for them to start stocking away savings than their white peers. Four and five black students graduate with debt compared to 64% of whites.

Yeah, man Um There you go It's a pretty big problem Dick is speechless Everyone in the room is bummed out This is the biggest problem in the universe It's just like

What am I'm just gonna say the same thing over Is it race or is it poverty Like at this point? What are you gonna do? Like yeah it sucks that you come from nothing And you get You have no wealth in your family To like fall back on and to help you out on

It's a bummer man? Yeah, it's a bummer. Anyway, let's go drink. Yeah, it is a bummer. So, people who argue against things like affirmative action, which I have mixed feelings about. Because on one hand, if I was a black person

and I got a job somewhere, I'd want to know that it was because I was the most qualified person for that job, not because of my skin color. I wouldn't give a fuck. I'll just be glad I got a job. And then you have the Dick Mastersons of the world. Yeah, because who cares? It's your life.

every advantage you can. I mean, the problem I have with it is that it's the government coming in and telling you that who to hire to be an audio engineer. That's a much bigger problem to me. You think we should hire a black guy and fire Sean? Sean, take you off your cans. I mean, that's what it is. Like, incentivizing you to hire someone you wouldn't normally hire, which I guess if you want to play social engineer, be my guest. Go nuts. But I don't like it. Yeah, well, you don't have to like it. However, You know, what's that guy?

The Donald Sterling guy, he's the guy who got busted for saying all that racist, heinous shit a while back, right? Yeah, he was forced to sell the clippers. He was forced to sell the clippers. By the league. Yeah, by the league, right, which is a private organization. I don't think that's wrong. They can do whatever they want. Right.

Donald Sterling. They can't do whatever they want, but they can force him to sell. Okay, what is it? The no ball league. What's a, no fun league? No fun league. No fun league. But what's the basketball equivalence?

I don't watch basketball. But what's your point with Donald Sterling? Anyway, Donald Sterling, people think that that's the worst thing that he did. This isn't, you know, that was all theater. What Donald Sterling said, the racist shit that he said, was all theater and inconsequential compared to what he actually did. He was a slum lord. What he did is he created a really significant divide in racial discrimination when it came

to housing. You know that housing, the racial discrimination law that's on the books? Well, Donald Sterling bought a whole bunch of buildings and properties that he would not rent to blacks or minorities or low-income families at all. And he forced them out into these so-called ghettos that you described, Dick, and forced them into these poor living conditions and living places where they built entire freeways to go around them. John Stewart talked about this a while back too, but it's a really depressing thing. fact, because he's essentially created these poor conditions that keep creating poor conditions for blacks to grow up in. And then you have the deck stacked against you.

And that's essentially what happens is after a while, you look at the unemployment rate. For whites, this was a while back, I think the white unemployment rate was 6.6%, blacks, 12.6%. You look at these stats and you think, well, shit, why should I even try? Everything's stacked against me. They have a much higher incarceration rate. And then you see things like things go down in Ferguson. Make drugs legal then. Okay, fine.

But making drugs legal isn't going to solve this problem. It's going to get a lot of people out of prison. Well, that's true. It will get a lot of people out of prison. But how do you solve the problem of black people getting incarcerated at much higher rates across the board for all crimes? I mean, I don't know. Do you want to play devil's advocate for this problem?

Like, I'm not really, I don't feel comfortable arguing. the opposite side of that. I don't know all these things that Donald Sterling is doing. I would way rather see all of these stats from a perspective of like socioeconomic diversity than race. Because I don't see what the hell any of this does to fix the problem. Like I honestly know. It's a more interesting stat from a position of socioeconomics than it is race to me. Well, so I took a class in college.

This was the last class I ever took in college. It was called Education and Society. And my teacher in that class, I think her name was Reed. A great teacher. Incredible. She was teaching a class in such an interesting pedagogical method that she was making it seem like we were leading the discussion, but she had a very direct message and education and syllabus that she was teaching us.

Anyway, in this class, one of the writings that we read was this guy named John Ogbu. And he's a black literary professor or something like that. He came up with this racial theory. that he's been writing about for years, about how he believes that sometimes black people who live in affluent neighborhoods, their kids do poorly in school, regardless of their familial life at home,

they have good parents who are taking care of them, who are spending time with them, who are giving them the tools they need, however they still perform poorly in school. And the reason is, he believes, you know, back to harken to your sociological point, Dick, is that because they had this history of slavery in our country, that they are rejecting our assimilation.

They see that performing well in school is assimilation, cultural assimilation, which is why sometimes you see black families who have names that are wildly different than whites is because they are rejecting cultural assimilation and they view it as some type of enslavement. So until you can disengage that philosophy, that ideology, to make them feel like they're not being imperialized anymore,

maybe this problem won't go away. Yeah. This is the biggest problem in the universe, Dick. I think that this should unseat probably female genital mutilation. Oh, no, you mean slackivism? I love that people are complaining that the last episode didn't have real problems. And yet the biggest problem of the universe, according to this show, is people on Facebook, basically. Slacktivists are people on Facebook who pretend like they're helping out.

Slacktivist is a big problem, Dick. It's not at all. Oh, I'll tell you why, because I would rather have somebody not do any. than to say they did and not do anything. It's an annoyance. No, it's an annoyance. That's what it is. But it also prevents action down the line.

Because if you do some slackivist thing, you feel good by doing nothing, then you have even less of a chance of ever accomplishing anything good. Yeah. Which sounds like a contradiction to my argument about New Year's resolutions, but it's not and I'll explain it another episode. It sounds like something I would say. So this is, what, yeah, black guys get screwed out of the gate. Black guys getting the shaft.

You know? Yeah. You got any stats on other minorities in there? No, blacks across the board of the worst. And which, by the way, every time I hear some like feminists complain about the wage discrepancy, et cetera, et cetera, they don't really talk about, they're always talking from the perspective of a white female. They're not talking about the black female, which has the lowest across the board. Black females have the lowest income across the board.

They have the lowest employment rates across the board. It's really pathetic. It's really sad. But that's what they're always focusing on is white. females, et cetera, et cetera. Well, there you have it. Biggest problem in the universe, guys, I think this should actually legitimately be voted up. And by the way, dickheads, is this what you want?

Are you happy now? You got a real problem. Bumbing the show out. There you go. Yeah, it really is. Just because I would rather hear a black guy talking about, or a woman talking about it. All right, well, we'll bring one in. I mean, what do we have to offer on this other than, like, stats off the internet?

You know what I'm saying? I don't really have a perspective to bring to this other than, like, things that I don't have to live with. Sure. Well, the alternative to not talking about it as white guys is not talking about it at all. No, you bring in a black guy to do it or a black person to do it. You know what, we'll do that. We'll do that sometime. And maybe we'll have an addendum to this problem or have something tangentially related to it. We can bring in problems twice? I got some on there when I'm bringing in a go. Okay, great, Dick. Like the no fun league. All right.

All right, Dick. What's your next problem? No, I got a thing before that. I brought in, so when we did the live taping, everyone had to fill out an application to be an audience member. Oh yeah, that's right. Remember that? Yeah, we asked people why they felt like they deserved a ticket to the live show. Yeah, I want to read some of the answers that these people gave. This was why they deserved a ticket. Right. Okay. Ron Sanchez. This is what he put on his form. Because I hate hippies too, and Dick is a huge cunt. Bravo. Rourke James Smith. Here's why he deserved a ticket. Because fuck Dick, Dick, Matt. Masterson.

Christine Pliskey. I got written up for work for listening to this podcast on the clock, and now I think I should take a day off to see it live. She did, too. Yeah, I remember. I think we met her, right? Yeah. Here's one from Denzel Walks.

He was a black dude. I remember him. Yeah, you should have had him in for this problem. We get Denzel in on the show. I deserve a ticket because I'm the shit, and I'm one of five of your blackmail listeners. Race Card Cash In. You know, he was really proud of that, but we had one other one show up, too, that day.

I'm sorry? Another black guy. Yeah. Yeah. He wasn't one of fun. Yeah, well, no, we get a bunch. Well, um, John Soto, this is my favorite one. Give me a goddamn ticket.

I think he got in with that. Why did we let him in with that fucking bullshit? It's funny. Bossy. That's funny. All right, Dick, what's your, what's your next problem? Let's hear this horse shit. What do you got?

I got a problem that also affects, um, affects, black people more than anybody else. Oh yeah, what is it? Type 2 diabetes. What? Type 2 diabetes? Yeah, or diabetes, if you prefer. Yeah, I do prefer. But only the type 2.

Dick, is this really your problem? We usually discuss these problems a little bit before we come into the show ahead of time. I told you about this one, didn't I? No, I don't think so, Dick. I'll pull up my text messages. 29.1 million people in the U.S. have diabetes. 29.1 million, huh? Yeah.

8 million of them are undiagnosed. and unaware of their condition. Then how do they know they have them? Because they got God to do this study. Statistical data. No, no, no. In adults, 20 and older, more than one in every 10 people suffers from diabetes. Do you know that?

And in seniors, that figure raises to 1 in 4. 29 million people, Maddox, have diabetes type 2. Yeah, man, I don't know. I hear all these like 1 in 10, 1 in 5, 1 in 6. It sounds like 100% of people are suffering from some. 100% of people who have are might possibly have type 2 diabetes they might get it they might get it yeah uh in uh here we go cases of diagnosed diabetes cost the united states an estimated 20045 billion dollars in 2012 oh my god that figure is expected to rise in the future that's what it says

you're looking at your paper when you said that line oh my god does that is that what your news source says, where's your source for all these, by the way? Oh my God news. Oh my God. It's oh my god. It's oh my god. Go fuck yourself.com. Okay. 245 billion dollars, Maddox. Yeah, that sounds made up. Yeah, you know what the risk factors are? Why, how you might have this? Just being obese, right? Yeah, being a big fat. Being a big fat, fatty. Yeah. Not even hugely fat. Yeah. I think 10 pounds overweight increases your risk of diabetes by something like 50%. Yes. This is, One of the stats was if you lose 10 pounds, you indefinitely protect yourself from diabetes type 2. And yet still, spiraling out of control.

Yeah, I don't think a lot of people lose 10 pounds and keep it off. Yeah, the study showed that 5 to 7% weight loss slowed the development of type 2 diabetes indefinitely prolonging it. How about that? And that means me, man. I lost a lot of weight. I lost like 70 pounds. Yeah, you were probably at risk for type 2. 2 diabetes. Oh, I'm pretty sure I was. I had

high blood pressure, I had cholesterol, I had baldness, I still do. Did you have blurred vision? That's one of the symptoms. No, I never had blurred vision. Oh. Did you have increased thirst? Ooh, I might have it. I was thirsty for alcohol a few times.

But no, not other than that, mostly alcohol. Yeah, well, there you go. Yeah. So... The WHO anticipates, the World Health Organization, anticipates that worldwide deaths attributable to diabetes will double by 2030. Yeah, you know, diabetes is a piece of shit disease.

That's the one where if you don't get it under control, if you don't get it in check, you could lose an arm, right? Yeah. You'd lose everything. Everything from the neck down. Yeah, the little capillaries are the smaller veins, or smallest veins, die first. That's why you can, like, lose toes and stuff. That's why you go blind because you're not getting any blood flow to those parts.

So you have to, like, amputate toes, and then you amputate feet, and then you amputate from the knee down. See, this is how to do. you can tell a robot wasn't, didn't design humans. Because if they did, you would shut down different priorities, right? If I was going to lose body parts, I would make a list of which one in priority. This is your, the argument you're making now is why, it's the argument I have for against intelligent design. You look at this body and you think this was designed intelligently?

You know how many fucking failure points on this thing? Why do I have only one dick if it's the whole reason I'm alive? It's not the whole reason. Maybe you. Yeah. All of us. Intelligent design my ass. Yeah.

So too many failure points. That's your problem, huh? No, my problem is type 2 diabetes. Oh. Do I ever tell you about the bet I made with my life coach about whether or not he was pre-di-di-old? I was there, buddy. I remember this. Go on.

You were? Yeah. Okay, we never settled that bet because I refused to pay him. Yeah. I bet he's a big guy. I bet him that he was pre-diabetic. Pre-diabetic. I remember this.

I was in the car. And this was during opening day. on our way to opening day at Dodger Stadium, I believe, and we were talking about drinking and eating steaks and all that, and you're like, oh, you're definitely pre-diabetic. Yeah, absolutely. Because it's like an increased blood sugar or something right after you eat. But the controversy here was that his wife's a nurse,

and she was going to take his vitals, and you didn't trust his vitals, right? Well, the controversy is also when you make a bet like this for like 300 bucks, right? You sit down, and it's a whole, it's a whole courtship. There's a whole process to it. You make rules and you set timelines. Like, I don't want him going off into the woods and exercising for four weeks, like Rocky 4. No, why would you want your friend to get healthier? Even in spite of a bet.

After I take the money, I want it. So this whole thing needs to play out, right? This whole pageantry of making the bet needs to play out. And he robbed me of that because the next time I saw him, he just goes, yeah, wife says I'm not. So pay up. I'm like, what is this a shake-down? What do you mean wife says I'm not so pay up? I'd like a second opinion.

And by the way, wife, I'm trying to get your husband here to lose some weight. What are you doing? Look at the long con here. Just say yes. Yeah, just say, yeah, of course. Fudge the results, lie. I went out on date with a girl who was, you know, a little thick. And it would really piss her off.

I thought I was doing her favor, but it would really piss her off if we were at a bar. and she wanted Jack and Coke, I'd go up to the bartender and say Jack and Diet. She overheard me one time. She was furious. And I'd like a harpoon to give it to her. I'm doing you a favor, Dickhead.

Yeah, that's usually a mistake. All right, Dick. And you think you're doing someone a favor. That's usually means you're going in the wrong way. All right. So speaking of timelines, we got to get moving here. How big was she? Not big, but, you know, I'm just doing it.

helping her out a little bit, pushing, I'm just edging her in the right direction. Like, what's that shuffle, shuffleboard, right? You've seen how they do shuffleboard, right? No, not shuffleboard. What's curling? The Olympic sport of curling? They're basically just massaging the ice to get the big shuffle to go down in the right direction. That's what I was doing.

Oh, like when they unbeach a whale. Like they make it wet and then like shove her back into the ocean, right? Yeah, exactly like that dick. All right, asshole, let's get to a real problem. another real problem. I honestly think that the black discrepancy thing is the biggest problem in the universe. I mean, it's like you'd have to dig so far into stats to get any other comparison than that out of it. Well, here we go.

The second biggest problem in the universe, for real. Automatic hand dryers. Yeah, it's a big problem. Yeah, automatic hand dryers. Big problem, Dick. Why? Well, this is according to WTOP.com news. scientists from the University of Leeds found that high-powered jet air and warm air hand dryers can spread bacteria in public restrooms. Airborne germ counts were 27 times higher around jet air dryers in comparison with the air around paper towel dispensers researchers found.

And guess what? They don't even dry your hands that well. They don't dry them at all. No. They don't stay on long enough. Yeah, that's true. And they also tout them as being more sanitary than paper towels, which sounds like it's bullshit. No, it's far less. Because they're blowing it straight down to the ground

where there's a bunch of bacteria and germs and bullshit and people's drippings and snot and boogers and spit and come and whoever knows what else. Well, I go to some CD bars, buddy. And it's blowing all that shit straight down and then bouncing off the floor and getting right into your fucking eyes, in your nose, in your throat.

And they're loud as hell. Yeah, they are loud, Sean. Good point. I looked it up. Guess how loud those accelerator, those like ultra jet engine fucking things are. 105 decibels.

Close. It's about, it's anywhere from, well, their website says 70 to 80, but I looked up in more reputable source, other than their website, it says at least 90 decibels. So for comparison,

a gas mower is 95 decibels. It's like putting a mower up to your ear, a lawnmower. Each 10 decibel increase, it means double the loudness. Double the loudness. That's like each 10 pounds is like double the ew.

Like 10 pounds, like, oh, and another 10 pounds like, oh! God, oh my God. You know what? Make that a Diet Coke and a Diet Coke. Keep the jack. A leaf blow is about 115 decibels. An ambulance is 125. Jackhammer is 125. Chainsaw, 115. Rock concert, about 115. These are damaging ear levels. A firework or a gunshot is about 145. And up at the very top is a 12-gauge shotgun at 165 decibels. And the only thing louder on this list that I have is a rocket launch.

So you could either put a 12-gauge shotgun. Anyway, man, you dry your hand enough on these bullshit-ass dryers. You're going to go deaf. Yeah. How's that? That's the biggest problem in the universe. No one can hear anything because you're drying your hands all the time. Yeah.

Yeah. Big problem. The germs lingered in the air beyond the 15 seconds it takes to dry your hands, sometimes lasting more than five minutes after you leave the restroom. So even if you go... They're just floating around, like in a fog? Yeah, like a big soupy mess of bullshit that you're getting in your eyes and throat. nose. I bet you would see a lower

you would see a lower incidence of the flu if people stopped using these hand dryers. And now they have those air blades. Have you seen those things where you have to play operation putting your hands down these fucking things? Or else you scrape the side and like, well, that's ruined. I got to go rewash my hands again. I got the fucking Charlie Horse. It's a fucking asshole Dyson. The Dyson. Yeah. Yeah. Those Airblades, those Dyson airblades are pieces of shit. You're playing operation, putting it down there. The sensors never work.

So you got to bang your hands around, touching the disgusting sides. It's just like mildewy gross sweat and other people's drippings. And it's plastic so it can never be cleaned. No. It's just porous and gross. And they never clean them. You know they never clean them. Can you imagine a cleaning lady going into the bathroom and going through the proper procedures to clean this thing?

Of course not. Because you would have to turn the machine off and then clean it. Because if you sprayed any cleaning materials in there while the thing was on, it's going to blow those into your eyes. Yeah. Those things never fucking work. My hands are always wet, and then I grab the door handle with my wet hands, which is just going to be like a sponge for disease and bacteria.

You'd probably get diabetes that way. You probably can. I don't know. I didn't do any additional research on diabetes. I really hate those things, and I think, I remember thinking this when they previewed them, like the news, local news was doing a hot tech preview of these amazing new hand dryers. They're like, actually, they dry your hands 100 times faster than with a towel. Bull shit.

Bull fucking shit. And I remember watching this guy thinking like, you're like a bad person. Yeah. Right? Like that you're selling these stupid hand dryers that everyone's going to hate. Glorified air dryers. You know, and you know what else I hate about those dick? Sometimes you walk into a bathroom because you're having an emergency.

Maybe you have a bloody nose because you just got punched by me. And you're walking in looking for some paper towels or something to clot it up. No fucking paper towels. And all you have is that single ply bullshit. pre-Soviet toilet paper that fucking cheap restaurants use. Yeah? Because they're saving it literally a buck. And you walk in there, you just have to use that shit.

And then I sometimes dry my hand with that because I feel like I need to get my hands really dry or I have something disgusting on my hands, some oil, some dirt, something. I can't use that fucking hair dryer that they have there. What if you have an emergency? You got to walk in. You need some paper towels for something. No, that happens to me at the gym a lot. Like I'll scrape my shins deadlifting or something. and I got nothing to do.

I got to like go home. I'm like, well, I got to take my shirt off and dry this blood off my legs and then go home. Right. Because there's no, I'm not using this toilet paper, this translucent toilet paper to do it. The toilet paper's awful. Yeah, or if you're sick and you go into a restaurant or you stop by someplace, you got to blow your nose, there's nothing in there. And then if you do make the mistake of using that god awful toilet paper, it just breaks apart on your hand. You can't get that shit out of your hair.

I have Harry Knuckles, man. Here's why it's a big problem. Because technology is slowly making all of our lives worse. It really is. This is technology. They couldn't have built these dumb things like 50 years ago. Right? The components and the circuitry and the dumb motion detection.

You couldn't have built that 30 years ago. You couldn't have built it 20 years ago and installed it on bars all over America. But now you can, and it's made all of our lives worse, because the alternative is this stupid little motion sensing thing that spits out about two inches of paper towel. Yeah, that's pretty shitty too. I mean, they've taken something that was so simple and a non-issue and made it into a problem.

The biggest problem in the universe. Yeah. Anyway, Dick, those are my problems this week. Black unemployment disparity and automatic hand dryers. Mine are ghost-busting, the patriarchy, and type 2 diabetes. Don't forget to vote on these problems on the website, the biggest problem in the universe.com. Black unemployment disparity might actually be the biggest problem. Yeah.

Thanks for this. I got one more thing from Tim Johns. Check out this spicy erotic audio book clip he sent us, featuring Dick and Maddox as narrated by the lady at Audible with the milking story. Yeah, I play it. Oh, it sounds hot. Dick Masterson and Maddox in Changing the Sheets, Chapter 1. This story takes place on a warm August evening, back at Dick Masterson's apartment in Hollywood, California at 7.42 p.m.

Dick and Maddox are sitting in Dick's living room watching dirty dancing Havana nights on the television set. Dick reaches for the remote control to pause the program and asks Maddox if he would like a refreshment from the kitchen. Okay. Maddox replies with, yes, a cold drink at this time would be most exquisite. Fault. Dick then goes into the kitchen and proselyt. to make Maddox the most potent rum and coke that Maddox will ever sample in his life to date. That's true.

Dick returns to the living room and serves Maddox his stiff cocktail. Maddox takes a sip from his glass and immediately notices the considerable strength of his drink, but does not pay much thought and continues to chug away at the tall glass of rum. One drink led to seven, and about two and a half hours later, Dick starts to take notice that Maddox appears to be quite tipsy from all of the heavy alcohol. fantasy at this point dick finally decides to make his first bold move of the night oh wait a minute dick sits next to maddox and says hey man you are in no shape to drive home while in this state i care far too much about your well-being why don't you sleep here tonight yeah there is

plenty of room on my cal king bed in the other room maddox replies to dick with okay dick that sounds like a splendid idea and the two of them proceed into Dick's bedroom. All right. As they approach Dick's bed, Maddox stops dead in his tracks and says, There is no way that I am going to get into this bed,

at least not until you change those filthy chilly stained sheets, you silly goose. Dick says fine and then cracks open a brand new package of sheets to put on his bed. Not even right? Dick pulls the dirty sheets off of his mattress. Take it over your chilly sheets. Then proceeds to put the fresh new pair on. but then abruptly stops.

Oh, my gosh. At this point, Dick looks very perplexed. Maddox asks Dick, well, why did you stop? Are you going to put on those new sheets or what? Dick replies to Maddox by informing him that he wasn't sure which corner of the fitted sheets matched which corner of the mattress. Still right? Because his man that he brought home from Burning Man used to take care of such chores. Maddox just shakes his head and calls Dick a fucking retard.

Then tells Dick to just hand him that. sheets and that he will make the bed himself. Okay. Dick gives Maddox the sheets and Maddox starts to make the bed. As Maddox is putting on the sheets, he is bent over the bed and Dick takes notice. Dick starts to salivate at the mouth like a rabid animal and gets the biggest direction in the universe, as he strongly gazes at Maddox's backside. At this point, he rips off his shirt like a WWF wrestler and jumps onto Maddox's back and pins him to the bed. He tears off Maddox's pants and then says,

Hey, Maddox, I have got a dick tip for you. And then Maddox says, oh man, I cannot hardly wait. Please show me your stats. Ooh, baby. Oh, baby. Show me your stats. Then Dick says, good because I've got a hard stats for you. My Armenian cuddle bug.

Meanwhile out on the fire escape, boisterous coconuts peers into Dick Masters and dwindow while vigorously jerking off, screaming, I am a digital cyber demon, taking full. advantage of the free show going on inside. Wow. Throughout the apartment and onto the fire escape, the three friends shared a special bond together that went on into the Los Angeles after hours.

It was a night that they would be sure to never forget. To be continued. No, it's not going to be continued at all. How did you escape that, Sean? Yeah, Sean was watching through the window. No, it was hysterios. I was with Bill Cosby. Okay, great.

Hold on. Before you stop recording, Sean, Dax, that was really long And we should probably... That was so good We should probably tack that on To the bonus episode Do anything? No, but...

Yeah, this is pretty long. This is... And this would be really good for the bonus episode. Okay. What if we set it up? What if we just set it up? Just set it up

and I'll just loop it in at the top of the bonus episode or at the tail end? I mean, don't ask me. I think it should go right there but do whatever. I mean, this is a long episode. It's longer than the bonus episode.

I think it'd be better... In 10 minutes? We've done a ton of hour. No, no. Let's figure this out first. Oh. You want me to bounce it out with this with this discussion? No, no, we'll cut the, yeah.

What do you want to say? Yeah, let's record it just in case. All right, we're rolling. I got one more thing. Tim Johns sent this in. I think you're going to like it. He says, check out this spicy erotic audio book clip. Featuring Dick and Maddox.

What? Yeah, erotic story. As narrated from The Lady at Audible. Oh, man. This is an erotic story about us. I don't know. I didn't approve this. Lawyer up, buddy.