The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 39

Episode Date: May 11, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe I'm Maddox with me is Dack. You know what? You know what? Keep it going, Sean. We got to mention this. We have to mention that Dick Masterson is not a part of the live show. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. No Dick.

It is. Scandalous. Scandalous. We don't want to say who the co-host is. I don't want to say who the co-host is yet, but it's not Dick Masterson because Dick Masterson is not allowed on YouTube. No. For good reason. It's too powerful.

That's a little preview. More powerful than you can possibly imagine with the awful things that he says. Okay. Well, fuck it. So that's a little preview of the live show. There you go. By the way, we should probably mention why it was delayed. You guys all know about it.

It was delayed. Yeah. Why was it delayed? Well, you know, so it was delayed because it took a long time to edit those episodes down. And we're still actually just editing the episodes and putting finishing touches on it. And I was still coordinating stuff with the CG artists and the motion graphics guy, Joe Fen, he's a kick-ass dude.

He actually worked on one of my videos, the airline fees one where there's that shot of opening the overhead compartment and there's a baby in there that's passed out. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because he's been gassed with nitrous oxide or whatever. Yeah, he did that. Whatever you gas babies with. Well, we'll find out.

Anyway, yeah. So that's the live episode, guys. I was going to even just put out the little preview or something, but I'm like, you know, fuck it. We're just going to launch next week. Guys, we're running this thing out of a garage, all right? We're sorry. We're sorry that it's late, but we want it to be good. Yeah.

Thank you for your patience. So, Dick, let's go ahead and get this out of the way. Yeah, who won? Nobody. Who won? Nobody. Like usual, nobody won because it's not a contest on the show, Dick. You haven't picked that up yet.

Ghostbusting the Patriarchy had the most votes last time, most up votes, followed by type 2 diabetes. Oh. And tellingly, black income disparity came in third and then followed by automatic handdrivers. You know, that illustrates exactly why the problem of black income disparity exists. Because people don't even think it's a bigger problem than a shitty Ghostbusters remake. Yeah, but here's the thing you got to keep in mind. it's the way you sold the problem.

You really, you gotta, you gotta, you gotta get people emotionally. You gotta have an emotional impact with your problem. You know what I'm saying? Ghostbusting the patriarchy, people have an emotional attachment to Ghostbusters. You should have brought in a black guy or a woman to give her emotional or his emotional connection to the problem. You know what I'm saying? You know, because he was the fun extinguisher last week.

Yeah, you were the fun extinguisher. You busted all the fun out of this episode. Yeah, sorry, I busted the fun while you were busting the patriarchy with your bullshit ironic title. And by the way, Dick, what you just described is literally a fallacy. There's a fallacy called Appeal to Emotion Falsy. That's what that is. Hey, you want to win or not? I'm teaching you how to win.

It's not about winning. I'll show you how to do it. I'm going to bring in a black problem, and I'm going to pack this place with black people. And I'm going to win. Wait, so do we get one minute of Titanic this week? Oh, that's a good question, Sean. Fuck you, Sean. I've never seen the movie, but let me tell you, I am riveted.

I got to know what's underwater there. Okay, Sean, this is such bullshit. This is collusion. That's what this is. This is collusion. You guys talked about this, didn't you? No. No.

Fuck you both then. Either way, I don't give a shit. It's the same result. That's right. I'm not listening to a minute. Look, you don't quote, even if this were a contest, you don't quote, win twice. You don't get it. It's not, ah.

Well, everyone knows what that frustrated stammering means. It's time for another 30 seconds of Titanic. If you remember, we left off deep underwater where a crew of submersible, submersive vessels, whatever, was excavating an ancient treasure under the sea. How dare you? And we had just discovered that it was, in fact, the Titanic. This is just copyright, this is a copyright violation.

That's all this is it. This is fair use. I'm providing a commentary on the movie. This is not detracting from James Cameron, making money on this movie. This is an advertisement, if anything, Maddox. Please, please, keep your e-lawyering to yourself, all right? Len, let's watch the splendor and majesty that is Titanic.

You know, while you play this is bullshit, I'm just going to be Googling ways in which we can get sued. All right, I'm not, you've got to be quiet. Look at this. You see where we are? I'm not looking. Look at this cool thing. I will not. Exploring the wreckage.

What a pussy. You're the biggest pussy ever. I'm not looking. Fuck you, Sean. I'm not going to watch this movie. I've only seen... All right, you're wrecking the suspense. These guys are deep under the sea.

Uh, there could be... You're wrecking the podcast, dick. I'm not gonna... No, you'll like this guy. I want you guys to pipe in listening. Do you guys like this fucking sequence, the segment? This is what you're doing. Right.

He's talking about Titanic. Oh, is he? Wow, surprise. Movie about Titanic where a guy's talking about Titanic. What a shocker. The shitty movie. You were so full of shit, boss. Oh, wow.

Great. Is he that? No. You would like that guy. Bill Paxton's like doing this, like, romantic narrative about the Titanic wreck, and his buddy's like, you're so full of shit, boss. Because he's just like a scam artist. You would like that guy.

No, I don't. I think Bill Paxton emailed me a long time ago. Way back in the day. Yeah. What did he say? He's a big fan. Honestly? I think, yeah, I think it was.

I couldn't ever verify if it was him. But he said it was Bill. I thought that was such an obscure celebrity to pick. It was before Titanic had come out, I believe. And so it was feasible. It was in that realm where, yeah, maybe this guy, it's Bill Paxton. Do you have this email? I mean, probably in my archives.

I'd have to go back to, like, 99 or 98 or something like. I would bet that there is a game over man in that email sneakily. What's that? I bet that there's a reference to game over man. Yeah, I don't know. All right. All right. There you go. That's your punishment.

Great, thanks, Dick. For doing a good job and bringing in a real problem that you fucking morons thought that Ghostbusters was a bigger problem. That's telling. That's exactly why Black Income Disparity is a problem in this country. Anyway, I got a comment from Bork, Jainis, or Yinus, I don't know. He sent me an email. He says, does Dick realize that he brought in Lady Thor again this week? Fuck him. You should bring in monkeys again because they may actually be the biggest problem

in the universe. What do you say about that dick? How many times you brought in hipsters? Or rich people. Never. It's different. It's slightly different. The Ghostbusters thing is slightly different than Lady Thor. Lady Thor's shameless. I don't care as much about Thor as I care about the Ghostbusters. How about that? Yeah. I also

I got a voicemail. You want to hear it? No. People have a problem with the way... You know what was the most contentious part of the podcast last week? Not me bringing in the all-female cast of the Ghostbusters reboot or whatever. It was the fact that I called them garbage men.

Yep, I was about to read a comment about that. Here, go on. Here's a voicemail here. Hey, guys. Just listening to the Ghostbusting the Patriarchy episode where Dick is insisting time and time again that the Ghostbusters is a film about trash men and blue collar workers fighting ghosts. Yeah. Dick also says he watches it at least once a month. I do.

So my question is, Dick, what the fuck are you actually watching? because it's not fucking ghostbusters. All four of them are literally fucking doctors. PhDs. Jesus fucking Christ. All the other points were equally as retarded. We're really saying for missing the entire

basic premise of the fucking movie. They're parapsychologist. Jesus. Yeah. I missed. Fuck. Fuck you, you dick. What's your comment? What's the comment you've read in? Jeffrey Nierre sent me an email. He goes, while I do not disagree with your overall

point about the Ghostbusters reboot, I find the logic you used to get there a bit misinformed. You spoke about how the men in the original movies... Big words. Big words, trying to sound smart. Misinformed. Could have you said stupid. He says, you spoke about how the men in the original movies are blue-collar workers.

They are scientists, not exactly blue-collar, Dick. Egon Ray and Peter are doctors of parapsychology. They engage in paranormal slash quantum studies. You can't compare them to garbage men or construction workers. Dick, you suck. That is all. Oh, wow. A lot of great points.

Here's one that sums it up perfectly for me. At Jackie Collins, underscore, on Twitter. What the hell Ghostbuster do you think was a trash man in Ghostbusters one? Guys, I'll tell you which the hell Ghostbuster, I think, was a trash man. How about the one wearing a crappy jumpsuit with his name badge embroidered on the front like a fucking garbage man? That doesn't make him a garbage man. How about that one? How about the one smoking a cigarette while he's loading garbage?

that's ghost into a trash compactor smoking a fucking cigarette and then pulling it down and being a smart ass. How about that guy? How about the one getting slimed all over? A lot of scientists getting slimed at work. Are there a lot of scientists

with industrial gloves keeping them from getting slime? No, mechanics have that. Mechanics also overcharge for bills that people refuse to pay like that stupid hotel. Remember that one? Remember that scene?

Yeah. They're like five grand. I'm not paying this. Like, well, we could always go put this ghost back where we found it. Fucking scientist. How much of the scientific method did you see in that movie? Evidence, inquiry, hypothesized test.

Was there? No, cross the streams. Oh, I thought you said that would cause total protonic reversal and the destruction of all matter in the universe. Ah, fuck it. It's like kick the car when it doesn't work. Yeah, good point, Dick. It's totally unbelievable in what about Bob

if the professor in that movie is a psychologist, right? It's totally unrealistic for him to be one and also, I don't know, make breakfast. And then call him a cook, right? Oh, he's making breakfast. Cooks make breakfast all the time. And did we see him do his thesis? His master's thesis? How do we know he's a professor?

You fucking idiot. You are the idiot. You cannot have a doctorate in parapsychology, you fuck head. It's not a real thing. It's guy magic. It's blue collar guy magic. When chicks make magic, it's Harry Potter, and it's about believing in yourself and pointing a magic wand and shit.

But when guys want to make something magical, they have to invent a bunch of fake fucking science to back it up. Oh, it's a nuclear accelerator in your back. Where'd you get it? Where'd you get the fucking nuclear? Where'd you get the plutonium to put in those backpacks, Egon? Did you requisition the board of nuclear materials for this? You fucking scientist?

I want whoever's transcribing this episode to put comma, and therefore they're garbage men. Is that your argument? They are garbage men! They are garbage men. That was how that movie was pitched. I wish we had some garbage men in this room to take out that garbage argument. It just made it dump it right in the trash heap. Scientists.

Scientists. Hey, guys, I'm a scientist. I cross the streams. I thought you said this was kill everything. Fuck it. It's also a comedy movie, Dick. Yeah, all right. And Frankenstein was a book about a zombie, right?

That's what it was about. Essentially, it was the first zombie movie, right? It was about technology. Okay. So he did some paperwork, and maybe he's an accountant, right? Dr. Frankenstein? Whatever. Yeah, whatever.

All right. Uh, let's see. I don't know, I got kind of a, I don't know if I want to read this, this email. It's actually a touching email that this dude sent in. Oh, did you read it? Yeah, I think I know which one you're talking about. Do you want to read it or you want me to read it? Go ahead.

Okay. Dear Maddox and Dick, no more than six months ago, I lost my mentally disabled father to suicide. He hung himself by his sheets in a county jail after three days because they did not evaluate him properly and kept his medications away from him as their idea of punishment. My depression swallowed me and transformed me into what I am today. While I am still dealing with my own suicidal thoughts, you two keep me balanced. You guys make me laugh week after week and you truly give me a reason to look forward to each Tuesday and subsequent first Monday of the month.

That's where you can buy our bonus episode for 199. Oh, geez. Unless Dick is too busy at Disney World. Oh, you fucking ass. And thanks for making time to come in today, Dick. Yeah, all right. I'm going to Knottesbury Farm after this. I knew it.

I just wanted to reach out to let you know who is among your fan base and the lives you're possibly saving mine among them. No pressure. Keep up the good work, and I can't wait to hear one of you bring up shitty prison systems as a problem. Regards Dr. Smooth Rod. Dr. Smoothrod. Yeah. You know, that's a very touching letter, Dick. Wait a minute.

Yeah. P.S. Nothing personal, but Dick is kind of an idiot. What is more personal than that? Oh, is this guy, Dr. Smoothrod? Is he a real doctor, too? Like the Ghostbusters? Does he ever take the garbage out? Maybe he's a garbage man. PPS, it's cool if you decide to share my story. There you go. What were you to say? Cool. It's a very touching email. Thank you for sending that in. I've actually collected, I have a collection of emails like that over the years that I've received from people who were suicidal, who've changed their minds, etc., etc.

The one scary thing about that email is that by listening to us, us. He finds balance, which is just frightening. You don't balance, what do you mean? Balance, like in his mind? No, in his life. Oh, yeah. Like, whatever is wrong in his life, we are offsetting with this banter we do every week. Hmm, maybe, I don't know. Yeah. I don't want to be an armchair psychologist. Oh, too late, buddy. I got a comment from Bob Bobberson, sounds real. Um, if, he said, if black people are suffering from income disparity, why don't they just get alone from their dad and start a business. Learn that trick from Mitt Romney with love. It's true. I don't know. Yeah, what don't they just get alone? I don't know. Let's bring a black guy in here and ask them.

Great. Bring a whole room full of them because apparently that's what you need. Okay, Dick. Any more voicemail comments? No, no, no, no. I'm ready. I'm ready to go with my problems for this week. I'm gonna, I'm feeling good. I can't lose, boys. I'm on a streak. I'm on a winning streak. I'm like the Chicago Bulls. Yeah, you're on a skid mark, that kind of streak. Go on. Dick, what's your... You ready for this? Yeah. Sex with the X. Sex with the X.

Yeah. Whoa, that sounds kind of steamy. What's wrong with that? Sex with the X? Yeah. Why is that a problem? I have. It's awful.

It wasn't among the best experiences. I'll say that. I'll give you that. Yeah. It wasn't awful. It was just like, whatever. It was still sex. It was weird.

Why was it weird? Because you have this person who you dated for a long time, and then you reconnect with them on a sexual level, with your genitals. Tell me more. And then? And it's just like, it's almost like a hookup because it's a person you once had these

strong feelings and emotions for, but you can't express them in any tangible way, because you know it's just a hookup. Right. And so do they. So you're like not invested at all. It's not exciting at all. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's not, I mean, it is because you feel like you're kind of getting away with

something. You're like, oh, I'm not supposed to be doing this. We broke up. Yeah. Well, What you're saying is interesting. I looked up a little bit about it. I'll get to the real reason I brought it in. But what you're saying, I think, is called a cyclical relationship. This woman, Amber Venom, she calls these cycles of relationships that break up and get back together,

cyclical relationships. And she found this part was interesting. They're more impulsive about major relationship transitions, like moving in together, buying a pet together, or having a kid together. So that's what sex with the ex. can lead to. Really?

Yes, because that type of relationship specifically is more impulsive and more likely to engage in these things that will basically ruin your life. All of these things, having a child, buying a pet, moving in together. Those are all things that will ruin your life, yeah. Basically. Yeah. So these are the type of people who would have sex with your ex,

they are more likely to do these destructive behaviors, like move in together or start a life together, those type of things. Yeah, and they're more likely to get fucked up because, Because like you're describing, they're not, but they both know, they both consider it a hookup. Okay. So, so. Not permanent.

Right. So then, is sex with the X the problem? Or is it the personality type that would have sex with the X? Because I think you should rename your problem, Dick. The personality type of a person who would have sex with the X. Maddox, that's every, that's everybody, first of all. Everybody will bang their X. No, that's not true.

I have some X's I've never hooked up with. And I never would. They've hooked up with other guys. I got bad news for you. I know they have. I don't give a shit about that. All right, here's why I brought the problem in. Got an email from Butte Sanchez.

Oh, God. Okay, here we go. What does But Sanchez have to say this time? You're going to love it. He sends me this email looking for advice. Dick. So I'm about to start fucking my crazy bipolar already in a relationship ex-girlfriend again. Is this a good idea?

Or in your experience, is this a terrible idea? My viewpoint as of now is, hey, pussy's pussy. Oh, great. Classic butt, Sanchez. Also, I think it's going to offset the amount of money I've been blowing at strip clubs and at massage parlors lately. I live in Atlantic City and the winter hasn't been bringing in the women and it's like a pussy drought. It's terrible. He goes on to say, let's see, she's lost a lot of weight since we dated four years ago and she's way hotter now.

He's asking for advice. So whether or not he should bang his ex? Yeah. And what's your advice to him? What do you do? Well, I asked him because I, you know, you know, know my advice yeah do it of course I mean what's the worst it could happen

you could wreck your life and have a kid yeah he's already listening to your shitty advice of not using a condom and banging in a sauna which is the worst place you know it dries out the badge all right so I asked him I asked him for some positives and negatives I said real quick I looked at Sean he just

scrunched his face when I said that yeah go on scrunch his face like a dried up badge over there this is our Valentine's Day episode by the way Happy Valentine's Day, guys. So, Butt sends me the following positives. Yeah.

She cares a lot about me, and she thinks I'm the shit. Okay, positive. That is a positive, yeah. My female friends like her, and I always hear, oh, you used to be such a cute couple from a few of them. Oh, that makes me. No, that's, well, you want their friends to like you if you're in a relationship. But if you're not, what is that?

That's neutral. I'm going to say that's neutral. You're going to say that's neutral? I'm going to say that's bad. When chicks start pushing you towards a girl, I don't know why they do this, but I think they want to, like, as a man, you're always wanting to oversell yourself.

Like you always want to shoot out of your league. Right. And I think your female friends always want you to shoot under your league. You know? And I think, actually, I just had a realization. I think they're doing that for your protection, so you keep the power in the relationship. Like if you're dating under your league, they're like, yeah, you'll have full control and you'll be all right then.

How about that? As the guy, they want the guy to be dating under their league? Yeah, if you have a friend who's a woman and you're a man, she's like, yeah, they want you to be dating under your league. So you maintain the power in the relationship. Oh, that's weird, man. I don't think of relationships in terms of power structures and this weird chess game that you're playing. Well, there you go. Yeah, that's really weird.

I haven't thought about that. Number three, from but on the positives. She's got a great ass and looks good naked. Okay, that's a positive. Positive. I mean, that's the biggest, yeah, that's a big selling point so far. Four, she can keep up with me when it comes to drinking and smoking weed. That's positive.

Yeah, which is hard to find even most guys. And five, she would most likely understand if I don't want a relationship because I like being single. If she does start to get too girlfriendy, I might bail. Well, okay. So this guy who's a positive. I guess. I mean, is it, though? because he's complaining about how he's in this

desert of a vagina, right? A pussy drought, as he says. A pussy drought, that's what he called it. He's in this pussy drought. And then he's complaining that this girl who sounds kind of cool, actually, is into him and has a great ass and wants to hook up, and he's afraid that she might

become his girlfriend. Yeah. Why? Because that means, like, semi-regular sex. Well, but I guess they've already done, they've already had a relationship, and it didn't work out. Wait, go back and re-read. the first sentence. Okay. So I'm about to start fucking my crazy bipolar already in a relationship ex-girlfriend again. Okay. Okay. Yeah. That says everything we need to know. So, oh yeah. So he wanted

advice and I didn't want to give him advice on my own. That's what I'm saying. That's why I brought it in. So what do you think so far, Sean? Before I get to the negatives, what, whether he should do it? Okay. Sorry, I'm eating. Hang on. I don't know. This is a, this is a shit. No, we're keeping it. We're definitely I don't even that in. We... I love how Sean just mutters under his friend. Fuck.

What? I'm going to edit this shit out. Oh, fucking shut that. Oh, you're not. So he wants to know whether or not he should get back to it. This bipolar crazy ex who's in another relationship. Listen, dickhead. Like, of course not. This is a red flag.

She, her entire existence is one giant red flag. I bet her Facebook profile picture is a red flag right now. Oh, that's interesting. Yeah, don't fucking get to get to get, yeah. get back together with this crazy, with this crazy chick, she's cheating on her current boyfriend. What do you hope to get out of this? And then you're going to have this disappointing sex that both Dick and I agreed on is going to be weird and awkward. It is. Yeah. And after you're done, you're just going to kind of like feel gross and go take a shower. Do you shower butt Sanchez? I don't

know. You're listening to Dick's advice over here. I shower. Do you? Yeah. How often? A lot, actually. Twice a day. At least twice a day. Is that a lot? Your skin's glow, so I don't know, maybe. I wake up and before I got a bed. Okay, but Sanchez, I'm gonna give a thumbs down.

No, it's a no. Well, you said sex, so I assume that's a yes, but that's a no, all right, that's weird. Come on, have some self-respect. Find a decent woman

who you get along with, and yeah, maybe she's not gonna be able to smoke as much pot as your guy friends. Who gives a shit? That's a criteria now? Are you kidding me?

I don't know. Who gives a shit, man? She feels like a skunk. I can only imagine, I've never dated a girl who is really into pot. smoking. So, um, I can only imagine what that would, what that would do to their skin and body, right? I don't, I don't, probably tastes like skunk. Uh, I don't know. It goes, the smoke goes away

pretty fast. Yeah. I don't think it has, like, harmful effects on your skin and your body like cigarettes do. I've dated a smoker and that was awful. Yeah. I, I, I've dated a smoker. It's, it, I don't see what the big deal is. Oh, man. But they don't smoke that much. I've never dated someone who smokes, like, a lot. I dated a girl who smoked more than I drink. That's impossible. They would die. All right, that's a no from you. I'm going to go yes because, you know, why not? I've done it.

For some, like, I feel as though all of the relationships I've ever had are basically sex with the X. So if that's what you're doing, then it's, you know what I mean? Yeah. Like, eventually at some point it's just like, ah, this is, we're just kind of like huffing. We're running on fumes here. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, Dick, I feel like you've never been in a relationship longer than, say, a week or two.

And that sounds like a contradiction because you've been in, you know, had girlfriends. Yeah, exactly. Because you keep breaking up. You're in the, you're the cyclical person, this personality type. Oh, yeah. That's why I thought it was interesting. Have you ever gotten a pet with an ex-girlfriend? No.

Have you ever moved in with one? No. No. No, no, no, no. No. No, never. You never. And the idea, the idea of that is like, I can't even get my mind over that hurdle.

I know you have, like, I'm like, oh my God. The idea of someone there all the time. is overwhelming to me to even imagine. Well, they're not necessarily there all the time if you have some clingy, codependent relationship where they have to be there all the time. But if you're allowed to do your own thing and they're doing their thing,

I don't see what the problem is. They have things? Yeah, dude. Yeah, no. You date a girl who's not broken and she has interests that aren't you and she'll go out and do those things. All right, Sean, you're the tiebreaker for butt.

Unless you want to hear some of these negatives. before you vote. The negatives? Yeah, he's got five negatives. Oh, he does? Yeah. I say no. You say no already?

Anyway. I don't need to hear the negatives. It's only going to strengthen my answer. Maybe some of these negatives will change your answer. Oh, okay. She's really dumb in a way that annoys me. My main group of friends really don't like her, aside from my best friend's girlfriend who loves her. I don't know.

She's a borderline shut-in, and I don't know. I don't think she's employed at the moment. Man, that sounds like the girls I did. Yeah. She gives the worst blow jobs, like, holy shit. Then again, it's been four years, but still, back when she was 22, it was fucking awful. Okay. shitty blow jobs.

No job. No jobs. This girl's bad at all kinds of jobs it sounds like. Yeah. Can't keep one? Can't give one? All right. Yeah, it's a solid no from Sean and I, Dick.

So, no, but Sanchez. Find another girl. Find another girl. Why are you with this girl? What, he's so desperate? Like, you need that blow job? Come on with the attacks. Desperate, please.

All right, what's your problem? Okay, Dick. My first problem this week, and I think this is the biggest problem in the universe. Love. Yeah. Love. Biggest problem in the universe, Dick. It's retarded.

All right. What's retarded about it? Love, like love. Your whole career is built on self-love. Let's start there. Well, okay, but that's not love in the sense that it. everyone talks about when you say, are you in love? You're not going to say, yeah, I met a great guy, it's me.

I don't put that past to you. I might, actually. Did you marry yourself on Facebook? I did. Yeah. Busted. I do love myself often. And I also dedicated both of my books.

Two or three. Well, it depends. Two or three, whoa. I don't know, maybe, you know, whatever. That's normal. I did dedicate both of my books to me. And that is love. I did dedicate it to my soulmate, the person I love most in this world.

But that's different, dick. That's not what people are talking about when they're talking about love. Okay. First of all, love is stupid. Right? That's my argument. Yeah, it's stupid. What is it?

Are you asking? Yeah, I'm asking you. What is it? A chemical reaction in your brain that's, like, more addictive than any drugs? Yeah. Love is all you need. Pretty concise answer. Yeah, pretty concise.

That's essentially it. That's, you know, that stupid Beatles song? Yeah. Yeah. That's the way it was recorded. This piece of shit song. I hate that song so much. Well, that's the way I got it off of YouTube, Sean.

I don't know. It's a piece of shit song. It's recorded shitty. It sounds like it was recording in a trash can. That's where it belongs. It was live, basically. I mean, they had backing tracks, but. Yeah, it sounds really, it sounds really awful.

It was for a big television presentation. That's what it was. Yeah, I'm like, Tens of millions of people watched it. Yeah, it was all... The vocal was live, the bass was live. Yeah, it sounds awful. It sounds really...

Yeah, they were just in a big studio. Like a big soundstage. Yep. Anyway, piece of shit song, piece of shit, concept. Love, love, love. That song, love is all we need. Here's some things that love can't solve. Cancer.

Cardiovascular disease. Choking. Alcohol or substance abuse. General anxiety disorder. Narcolepsy. Sex addiction. schizophrenia, crib death, manhands, and flagellants. All right, you want to go down through those one by one?

Yeah. You're actually wrong. Oh, really? On all of them, yeah. Bullshit, dear. How can love solve any of those? Love is a very important part of being human. It, like, makes us healthy.

Do you know this? In addition to keeping society together and keeping us from, you know, murdering each other just on a whim, which is what we would basically do without love. It also has, like, huge health benefits. Yeah? Like what? Okay. How about married couples have lower cancer rates in singles?

University of Iowa discovered that. How much lower? Ovarian cancer patients with satisfying relationships had stronger white blood cells, which kills cancerous cells than those who didn't have healthy relationships. That means love beats cancer, Maddox. Fuck you, dick. That's bullshit. The power of love kills cancer.

You know, it's also possible that married couples have insurance, better benefits, and they're able to see doctors more. That makes their white blood cell count go up? It's not necessarily that their white blood cell count has gone up. It's that they're being tested more often and they live healthier lives because they have higher incomes. They probably are more affluent. Yeah.

Do they control for that? This study flat out, oh, are you saying that statistics can be manipulated? Is that what you're saying? I don't, I don't, I don't, that sounds like one of those. studies where the controls are outrageous. How can a control of Iowa? I don't know. What was the second one? What are the, what, okay, the second one is

cardiovascular disease. Cardio, wait, I think I got some stats on that too. I got a stats for you. Yeah, I got a stats for you. I don't have the heart, I don't have the heart stats. Fewer doctor visits. The Health and Human Services Department reviewed a bounty of studies on health and marriage. One of the reports more striking foundings is that married people

have fewer doctor visits and shorter average hospital stays. How about that? Because you're healthy. Great. Married men are half as likely to suffer from a heart attack. Did you know that? That's bullshit. That's what this thing says. That's a bull.

I feel like I'm about to suffer from a heart attack right now. And you should go get married. And both married men and women have drastically lower rates of serious diseases such as diabetes, heart disease, Alzheimer's, and lung disease. Wow, Dick. Sounds like you really got my number, don't you? Go ahead. What's next?

Sounds like it. All I'm saying is love's very powerful. Sure. It's a powerful chemical that you can't just gin up on your own. Trust me, I've tried. Sure, Dick. I know. I know you've tried.

My question to you, Dick, is, what does love have to do with marriage? Well, yeah. Most of my married friends are so unhappy. Most miserable. That's different, though. Unhappiness, I would say, is slightly different than being in love itself. Like, I think you can be both. I think people could be in love and then, like,

have that closeness and need that marriage more than anything. And then when they get on their own, they're like, oh, God, this was the alternative. That's way worse. Choking. How does love solve choking, dig? Well, if you're by yourself and no one loves you to give you a Heimlich maneuver, then, yeah, I would say being in love would certainly help with that. Darwinism.

That's Darwinism at a play. Love stands in direct contradiction to Darwinism and evolution. You're supposed to die. If you're unloved, why would you want someone there to save you? Do we need more unloved people in this world? Yeah, that's the point. Love's propelling evolution. Like, people are falling in love with good genetic traits.

It's keeping dumb people around. If you can't cut a piece of steak small enough for you to chew and you choke on it, that's evolution doing its work, buddy. All right. Yeah. Love is making us dumber. Okay, alcohol or substance abuse. How does love solve that?

Well, I actually found recently I was reading about it when we did the Hangover episode. Yeah. That substance abuse is caused by loneliness and not like overwhelmingly more by loneliness than like chemical addiction or depression or depression or anything like that. Like it's all stems from loneliness. Are you lonely, Dick? Not right now. Not because I'm thinking about all this math. You're not drinking right now.

Yeah, that's true. Okay, what about general anxiety disorder? I got one for that too. Oh, fuck you. You didn't really do your research on this. That's why I'm building a dynasty of wins over here. You know what, you motherfucking? Did you look at my notes beforehand?

No, no, I just, I looked at, like, some article on, like, women's health or something like that. There's no possible way it went down all these diseases I brought in. Yeah, because these are big problems. Yeah. And love isn't fucking solving. Love isn't all we need people. We need antibiotics. How about that?

Which one was the one you said? Blood pressure. General anxiety disorder. Oh, no. I had that one, but I didn't print it out because it was stupid. Yeah, it is stupid. This is all stupid. It sounds like bullshit. Narcolepsy? How does love solve that? Here we go. A small study published in psychological science as the Andrew Researcher subjected married women to the threat of an electric shock.

When the woman was holding her husband's hand, they showed less of a response in brain areas associated with stress. The happier the marriage, the greater effect. So if a woman is sitting there holding the hand of her beloved husband, I don't know if it works for gay people. The study said married women holding her husband's hand, then she feels less stress about the threat of having an electric shock. You know what? Fuck you, Dick. I'm fucking tired of it. You're shitting all over a great problem. You're shitting all over love, man?

Get the fuck out of here. Have you already been... Do you fucking know what love is? I know what true love is and I look at it every day in the mirror. I know, I've never experienced that kind of love. Oh, man, it's such a burning flame for me, I have? Oh, I love me. Man, where would we be without love? We wouldn't have all of our beautiful works of art. We wouldn't have your lovely books dedicated to yourself.

You know where we'd be without love? We wouldn't have a billion fucking stupid love songs to listen to on the radio. Every fucking song is a love song or a breakup song. And you know what? Breakups would be a hell of a lot easier without love? It'd be fucking easy. Oh, I don't like, yeah. Hey, you broke up?

No big deal. I didn't love her anyway. Right? Pretty fucking awesome. How cool would that be? Yeah, okay. Coolest shit ever. Yeah.

And then you'd turn on the radio and then you'd have silence. You'd just have some solace to yourself. Like static? Yeah. You can do that if you just put it in between channels right now. You can live this fantasy. There are more stations playing love songs than static, and that's the problem. So what?

Because I would just want some peace and silence, some quiet when I'm driving. All right. I want to turn on the radio and not listen to a billion fucking stupid love songs. And they're all the same. Did you ever listen to the lyrics? Oh, I love this person. She didn't love me back. Oh, I love this person.

We got in a fight, and then when she let me go. They're all the same fucking song. We've heard every fucking love song. Does the world need any more love songs? Yeah. Oh, what else is there to sing about? Make a song about hate every now and then, guys. There's, like, no songs about hate.

What about metal? Like, death metal. It's an entire genre. Metal has hatred in its heart, but it's rarely about hate. Yeah. Yeah. Except, like, the occasional Slayer song. But that's it, man.

We need more songs about hate. Or how about just like? How about a song about like? I kind of like somebody. How about that? Why don't they make a like, like, like song? Like is all we need. Sean, you're the music expert.

Is there a song about just like? somebody? I know George Strait has a song Do you like me? Yes or No. That's about like. I can't think of one off the top of my head, but I'm sure there is one. That's a problem. Crib death. How does Love solve that, dick? I don't know. Schizophrenia? Manhands. Love

can't solve manhands. Yeah, I don't know, man. Look, it solves cancer. It doesn't fucking solve cancer, dick. There's way too many things to control for. It's like one of those studies Are eggs good or bad for you? Lewis Black has that classic bit where he asks the audience, are eggs good or bad for you? And then

there's just silence in the audience because no one fucking knows how to answer that. Because every other week there's a new study that comes out, eggs are good for you, eggs are bad for you, milk is good for you, milk is bad for you. Water. Yeah, water. You need to drink eight gallons. You need to drink one cup. Like, no one fucking knows.

I don't know, man. It's all over the fucking map. Do you honestly think that you're always bringing in like stress as a problem? Like the reasons things are bad is because it stresses people out. Do you think it's, you don't think that love relieves stress at all in like a huge. amount of people. Like the whole earth is covered in people. You don't think that love is a benefit to these people.

Like it makes you want to get out of bed. Even the hope of tasting it again before you die makes you actually go to work and do your fucking job and live in this horrible civilization of awful monsters around you all the time. You don't think that that's a positive effect in the world? Yeah, maybe. This isn't love, guys. I come in to do this podcast out of pure head. I'm talking about Dick.

Oh, Dick, yeah. Okay. Well, listen, Dick, I actually have a study. I brought in some research from psychology today. They talk about love being, you know, the chemical release is oxytocin. That's one of the chemicals that are released when you're in love. Oxytocin. Oxytosin.

Whatever. It's the neurochemical that causes trust. Yeah. Well, think about that. If you're in love and this neurochemical that causes trust is being released, well, that makes you gullible, doesn't it? Makes you more suggestible. Makes you more agreeable.

Makes you a con. Makes you a sap. A mark. A mark. That's what I want to say. Yeah, it makes you a mark. It's released during orgasm in small amounts when you hold hands. I think...

Small for some, maybe. I spray that shit all over my brain. Dick, they're not talking about... Jesus, Dick. In animals, it's released when mothers lick their babies. That's stupid. When mothers lick their babies. So this feeling of love that you're experiencing,

animals experience when they get licked. Oh, gross. Oxy-oxytock. is the good feeling of a common cause, whether a political rally, a football huddle, or thieves with a plan. Thieves with a plan experience the same exact feeling that people in a football huddle

or people who just had an orgasm experience. And by the way, people are so much more trusting after this release of OxyTosin after they've had an orgasm. I think that business deals should be made right after an orgasm. Like as soon as you guys both blow, you should sign the contract. Well, that would fix your meetings problem if they were just orgies, I guess. Is that what you're proposing?

Yeah. Everybody in a meeting just, all right, let's strip down, let's bang this out, and then we'll all sign, we'll deal with it after the fact. Makes people more trusting. But trust can also get complicated inside the human brain. You trust a person to live up to your expectations, but you may not realize how complex your expectations are. Eventually, your loved one fails to meet them or you fail to meet theirs. In your mammalian brain, any loss of trust can be interpreted as a life-threatening emergency. You don't think that causes stress-stick having a life-threatening emergency?

because when sheep are separated from a flock, its oxytocin dips and its cortisol surges. And cortisol generates a feeling we experience as fear, panic, or anxiety. That seems to contradict your bullshit-ass study, Dick. What do you say about that? You're shitting on oxytocin now? Did you know that oxytocin is used to induce abortions? Is that true?

That's true. I know you're a big fan. That was one of your solutions in our last episode, right? Yeah, well, that's true, but Dick, it's love. Love is the problem. Love is the problem. It's not all we need. We need way more things than love, guys.

We need bullets. We need guns. We need bombs. We need antibiotics. We need science. We need rocket ships. We need fucking deep sea exploration. Not to find the Titanic, Dickhead.

Shut up. I know you're thinking it. No, I'm just trying to wonder. I'm wondering what the world would be without love. It would just be a bunch of computers walking around randomly jamming their inputs and outputs into each other. Dick, maybe. Like it's what touching, touching each other generates the positive chemical. of love, right? More touching generates it more. The reason we can band together and like work together

as people, you don't think that's good? Dick, maybe, I don't know, but there's no evidence. I don't think that that love is the reason people cooperate. I think that mutual self-interest is some, some symbiotic relationship. Like ants and aphids, they don't love each other. They just need each other. Yeah, but they're not humans. It's a human thing, like a mammal thing. No, reptiles experience release of oxytocin. Oh, really? Yeah, and in fact, they don't like to be near each other, specifically because when the Soxytocin's released, they are more trusting of each other,

which puts their life in peril. That's why reptiles are really untrusting. Snakes are shitty animals. Go vote up to snakes, people. So you think we should act more like reptiles. Is that what you're saying? Essentially, I think that's a solution. I'm going to bring it in for a bonus episode, acting more like reptiles.

That's a conspiracy dipshit thing. Isn't there, aren't there people who think like there's lizard men living in a month? Yeah, but I don't think that. I'm not an idiot. Okay, Dick, I brought in, speaking of, I brought in a test. I brought in a love test. Okay. Let's see how compatible we are. It's from this website called All TheTests.com. Oh.

It says, the name of the test is, are you two really the perfect match? Maybe we're in love, Dick. Let's see, let's take this test. According to Dr. Smooth Rod, we are. Yeah. And I'm going to adjust it a little bit so it sounds, so it makes sense for us. Okay. How often do you guys see each other? Is it once or twice a year, every day, three or or four times a month or once a month? Three or four times a month is the closest. Three or four times a month. Probably a little bit more than that. Yeah. How often do you guys talk to

each other? Does texting count? That's one of the questions. That's one of the responses. Does it? That's well, it's the response. That's one of the responses. So you say that. Yeah. I think it counts. Yeah. He has never met me, let alone talk to me. That's one of the response. Well, that's not us. That's a bad sign. About three times a week, we are both super busy. Huh? That sounds like us. Or every day are multiple times a day. No, the three times a week one. I think almost every day, dude. What are you talking about?

Okay. We'll see that one. I'm hurt that you don't remember. Sorry. We should have done this like newlywood style. Yeah. I write your answers down. Yeah.

Except I just would have wrote, fuck you. How long have you guys been dating? Okay, let's say instead of dating, doing the podcast. Or just been friends. I already said he doesn't know I exist. How could we be dating? That's one of the responses. One to two years, three plus years or one to two weeks?

Oh, three plus years. Three plus years. Was this, yeah, that's, there should be a bigger option. Was this test for kids? No, teenagers? I think it's teenagers. Were you guys friends before dating? Yeah, we were childhood friends.

Yeah, I think a year or two. Yeah, for like a week. Or no, just met then dating. What was the first one? Yeah, we were childhood friends. No. Yeah, like a year or two? No, the next one.

Yeah, like a week or two. Yeah, for like a week. Yeah, that feels about right. Are you guys friends before, and then we just immediately jumped into the relationship. Yeah, because then we went on our first date at UCB, theater. Uh, was that what, yeah, was that what about, no, our first date was at, was at the bar. No, that's where we met.

That's where we met. That's where we met. That's where we met. The first date was at UCB. Okay. Oh, this is getting weird. Yeah, I know. Let's not call it dates anymore. Um, how old are you?

11 to 12 years old? 10 and younger, 16 plus years or 12 to 15 years old? 16 plus. 16 plus. Okay. I don't think we're the target demo for this dick. Have you guys ever talked about your future together? Yeah.

No, we are supposed. we were supposed to? I tried, but he dodged the question. Yeah, we both agree on how our future will be. No. And yeah, a few times, but nothing has been a real agreement. We both want different things. That one's the closest.

Okay. Do you get along with his friends? Yeah, I'm practically one of the guys. Yeah, they're okay. Nice, I guess. No, I hate them. Or I have never met them. Yeah, I would say I'm one of the guys.

Yeah, you're one of the guys. All right. Then there's two more questions here, I think. Does he get along with your friends? They absolutely think he's the perfect guy for me? That's... Yeah, that's the same. That one?

Yeah, it's basically the same. They think he's nice, but he has flaws. No, they think he is dumb. He's a dumb, stuck-up guy, or they think he's okay, but I could do better. I think the last one for me. Yeah, probably the last one for you. Yeah, my friends could think I could do better.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I'm glad we both agree on that one. How does he act towards you? He treats me like a princess Nice caring and loving

Treats me like I'm not even there Or mean to me Nice to me when we're alone But when But when with our friends A total jerk The opposite The opposite

You're jerk to me For the first of the nice star friends I guess I like every other boyfriend Treats his girlfriend I don't even know how to answer that one Yeah I'm gonna say he treats me like a princess

All right And then the final question What do your parents think of him Well never mind gave me the results. My parents love him. Yeah, my parents think that you sound like a real nice guy and I treat you mean on the podcast. You do.

Okay. Well, our results are, are you two really the perfect match? For 50% you are, oh, M.G, a match made in heaven. You two are perfect for each other. I've never heard of a couple better than you two. 67% of quiz participants had this profile. You could also get this results. For 20% you are, it could work out, but I have no doubt that you two share amazing moments together.

Anyway, Dick, um... So what is our... What is the result? 50%? That's a coin toss? Whether this is going to work out or not? We're 50% as a coin toss. Oh, F you! Test! Yeah. We got 39 episodes in the bag here.

I got another quick, uh, quick quiz, Dick. Three questions for you. All right. This one's called, what type of guy are you most into? Oh. Yeah. Okay. First question is, you're at the party when suddenly a very attractive boy walks over to you

and says that you are the hottest girl he's ever seen. What do you say? Or hottest guy you've ever seen. Say, give me a drink, dude. Yeah, well, the options are thanks. You're pretty hot yourself. Call me sometime. You laugh, not in a mean way, and say, thanks, but I'm not really interested right now. Or you don't reply. The statement won't get him into a good college. Which is the closest one to get it in your drink? Probably thanks, you're pretty hot yourself. Yeah, yeah, give me a drink. Here's the second question.

You see a guy with lots and lots and lots and lots, wow, this is tiring, and lots of money. All right. He just updated his Facebook status saying that he's single. What do you do? Hit that guy up, send him some business proposals. All right. And the last question. A very nice boy comes up to you.

You two are already friends. He smiles and tells you a funny joke to make you laugh. then he asks you out on a date. Yes or no? Where are we going? Where's he taking me? Well, let's say it's a blue collar worker. Let's say he's a scientist slash garbage man, as you like to think.

Okay, he better up his game then. I don't want it to be like order pizza and watch a movie in bed, right? I know that trick. I've done that trick. It better be costing him like 60 bucks or something like that. I better be able to order some expensive wine off the menu. Well, all right, Dick. There we go.

Good answers. I guess we're compatible. 50% compatible. It's coin toss. So I have a quiz, Dick. It's called Are You Two Really the Perfect Match? This is from all the tests.com. Yeah.

Do I have to answer this writer? I get kicked off the podcast? Maybe, Dick. If we're not compatible, I want to have a co-host on this podcast that I can trust, huh? One that I can love, potentially. They'll see if we're compatible. All right. First question.

How often do you guys see each other? Like once a week. Once a week? Once a week. Okay. Yeah, that's one of the options here. All right. Once a week. There we go.

And question number two, how often do you guys talk to each other? By texting or actually talking? I'm going to say texting every day. texting counts. Yeah. Okay. That's every day. Sean, do you think texting counts?

I would say so, right? Because when I text a girl, I think that's communication. Yeah, today so many people text. I think it counts. Okay. So every day. Great. How long have you guys been dating?

Seven years? When did we met? We met? When did we meet? Right after my book came out, 2008 or right before. Yeah, it had been about 2008. 2008. Yeah.

So six years? I've been dating for six years. I remember our first day. I remember where we met. I remember our first date. Is that an Irish bar? Yep. I remember too.

Well, that was where we met. Yeah. And then we went out to UCB. Yeah. And I emailed you and I got your name wrong in the email. You remember that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

Good times. It's weird. We both brought our girlfriends. They had no idea what was happening. They had no idea what they were witnessing. Yeah. With that whole budding friendship happened behind their backs, isn't it? Yeah.

All right, so the highest option here is three plus years. I'm going to check that. All right. Then, were you guys friends before dating? Not really. No. We immediately got into it. Not even for like a week, because that's one of the options.

Like a week. All right. And how old are you? Well, yeah, there's more. This is an online quiz. Let me read these options. I'm 16 then. Well, it's funny that you mention that because the options here are 10 and younger.

All right. 16 plus, 11 to 12 years old, and 12 to 15 years old. That's the age rate. 16 plus. I don't think we're the right demo over. this quist dick. And then one more

question I'll read here. Have you guys ever talked about your future together? Yeah, all the time. Yeah. All the time. One of the options.

It's a recurring, is there, it is a recurring point of rancor and contention in our relationship? Is that one of the options on this quiz for 13 year olds?

Yeah. Oh man, there's like a timer on this too. There's a remaining time limit of how long I have to take the stupid bullshit quiz. Anyway,

let's see what the results are. 50% We're 50% compatible, Dick. What? Yeah. It's a coin toss And whether or not we should Make a baby.

Well, sorry, Dr. Smoothrod. Yeah. We're only 50% compatible. I don't know what that means. Whatever. Piece of shit quiz. All right. Before we get to the next problem,

I want to remind you That today's show is brought to you by Casper. Get $50 towards any mattress purchased by visiting casper.com slash biggest and using promo code Biggest. We've got a jike. We had a gigantic box at the studio today, like the size of a college boy fridge, right?

I was actually surprised it wasn't bigger because there was a king mattress inside. Yeah, and it was really cool. So this is a, this company Casper sells mattresses online. It's no, let me see here. Completely risk free. Casper offers free delivery and returns within a 100-day period. So they shipped us one. It arrived in a box that seemed impossibly small for a.

king-sized mattress. I looked at the dimension of this box, and it looked like one of those mini-refrigerators, like a tiny mini-refrigerator, and it weighed about 80 pounds, I think, and it was, I couldn't believe that they fit a king mattress in there, and I open it up, and sure enough, right now, I have a king mattress.

It's amazing. It was actually pretty cool to watch it inflate itself. Oh, yeah, it's the most satisfying. It's not inflate, but it, like, expand. Yeah, and the instructions read that there's a, listen to the sigh of relief as the mattress inflates. I'm like, that's exactly. what I would describe that sound, and it is so cool.

I know, I know I sound like a shill right now, and these are one of our sponsors, and I'm supposed to say, I'm supposed to say nice things about it, but like, for real, I'm seriously impressed by this whole delivery operation. Okay, well, I don't mind sounding like a shill. Mattresses can often cost well over 1,500 bucks, but Casper mattresses cost between 500 for a twin-sized mattress, 600 for a twin XL, 750 for a full size, 850 for a queen, 950 for a king. that's a hell of a deal. Casper understands that buying a mattress online

can have consumers wondering how this is possible. It's an obsessively engineered mattress at a shockingly fair price. Yeah, I don't know what kind of magic they did with this. Maybe they got some Ghostbusters on the case, but this mattress is really incredible. Everybody bounced on the mattress and hopped on, and it feels like not one of those memory foam ones,

which I always thought were a little bit. But like it's... Do you know how much those costs? How much? Dude, I bought a mattress a couple months ago because I've been using hand-me-down mattresses for my entire life. Yeah.

And I didn't want to be gross anymore. Right. It was my brother-in-law's old mattresses I've been using. So I've basically been sleeping on beds that my sister has been banged on. Oh, my gosh. Dick. Gross, dude. So I upgraded to this new bed.

And those memory foam ones, the top of the line, was 10 grand. 10 grand? Are you kidding me? Yeah. This bed feels way better. than that, and it's what, 900 bucks for a king? I mean, I don't know, yeah. Yeah, that's what it's that, yeah.

$9.50 for a king, that's a steal. I've gone to mattress stores. They're always trying to upsell you to some foam, because that's the latest technology. It's the best stuff, right? Foam? Yeah, whatever the foam thing is. This isn't foam.

It's like some, I don't know what material they use, but this compression technology is better. It's like wind zip for mattresses. There's a geeky reference. Casper is revolutionizing the mattress industry by cutting the costs of dealing with resellers and showrooms and passing the savings, directly to the consumer.

Risk free for 100 days. You can send it back. I don't know how you hell you're going to send that back, but you can do it. Yeah. I got to tell you, Dick, the whole operation took, what, like 10 minutes to get the mattress

up and going? That was cool to see it. Yeah, it was really cool. Yeah, go to casper.com slash biggest promo code, biggest to give 50 bucks off your mattress purchase. There you go. All right, are we ready for my problem? Yeah.

And this is the problem that's going to win and cement my dynasty. Because this is a great problem. Great. Okay, this is going to make me into the, uh, This is going to make me into the Cowboys, circa 96.

Was it when they kicked the Buffalo Bills asses all this time? Oh, gosh, sports. And you're going to be, you're not even going to be the Buffalo Bills. You're going to be like Buffalo Bill the serial killer. How do you're your penis tucked between your luck? Here we go. My problem is, Rose Pedalers.

Right? Rose peddlers. Yeah, these people, these people that shake you down while you're trying to have a nice dinner with a beautiful woman or maybe a not-so-beaut-so-beautiful woman that you're sure you're going to get laid with. Either way.

They hit you up in the restaurant while you're just trying to eat and spit your game and your nice t-shirt and your nice button-up shirt that doesn't fit quite right because they never do. And they say, sir,

how about a flower for the lady? Except in L.A., it's all Spanish people, Mexican people, so it doesn't sound like this. For the lady? For the lady? How much is the rose? I'm sitting there trying to enjoy a nice dinner and I'm getting shook down for cash.

Shook down for cash at best. Because you know what the outcome of that is? You either look like a pussy. You look like a sucker for buying this rose. You look like a sucker because you got bullied into buying a rose for this woman. She loses respect for you. Or, even though she does not want you to buy the rose, she still feels like shit and still thinks you're a cheap ass

because you didn't buy one for her. There is no positive outcome to this game. It's just people walking around, little old, ladies walking around with two dozen shitty roses cock blocking everyone all the time. I don't know, Dick. Sounds like your problem's a solution to mine. Because it

sounds like if your date goes bad, you're not going to fall in love, buddy. That sounds awesome to me. You guys should vote up love. Oh man, you know what? You should vote up love and rose peddlers actually. I just realize it's supporting my problem. You know these people? The rose peddlers that I'm talking about? You like them? You like getting

hassled while you're eating? Some guy walking around. What else are they going to say? How about some shoes? Hey, here's some nice high heels for the lady. How about that? I got a whole... This little old lady opens up her trench coat, right? And she's got a bunch of puppies there. Sir, how would you like to buy a puppy for the lady?

No, I'm fucked now. Dates over. I'm just going to go home. Here's 20 bucks for the margaritas. Pay for them both. I'm just going to go home now. Because this date's over. This date's over because you're not getting a puppy.

Oh, you sound so stressed. I hate it so much. Yeah. That shit is annoying. That shit's really annoying It's akin to And I'm only gonna mention it Because it'll be a problem in a future episode

But those bathroom Attendance You know Yeah but that doesn't fuck you with a woman That's just You just kind of feel bad Not tipping the guy You know and it's kind of

It's kind of heterosexist too Isn't it? Because those guys never If you were sitting down With your bro getting a meal They're never gonna come to your table And offer you a rose

They're just gonna assume That you're straight Yeah Maybe we're dating Wait a minute Do, let me, this is a serious question. Yeah. Do gay guys give each other flowers?

I imagine, I mean, well, I don't know. I don't know. A woman's never bought me flowers. Yeah, because they know not to. Well, but then, what's the difference? Yeah. Oh, man. We need to get our gay contingent to pipe in on this one.

Gotta bring a gay guy in here. Yeah, well, figure it out. I mean, you can't generalize all gay guys or no gay guys. I imagine some gay guys like flowers, although I've been, all my gay guys, Oh, that's just a good point. That's true. Yeah. All my gay friends whose apartments I've been to, they don't have flowers. They don't have flowers. Their apartment just looks like a dude lives there. Huh. Do you think they bitch about it too if they don't get flowers enough?

Oh, I don't know. I mean, it's either really well put together, or it just looks like slobby. Like, it's just, you know, it's one of the two. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. But I've never seen flowers at a gay guy's house. Anyway, I blame the restaurants for this pervasive shakedown, these rose peddlers going around ruining dinners. It's the restaurant's fault. It's also the people's fault.

So I read online, I was trying to find some sass for this problem. I couldn't find any. But people are like, oh, it's just, they're just impoverished people trying to make a buck. It's right? Just relax, okay? It's just impoverished people trying to make a buck.

A buck? I would pay a buck for a rose. They're charging $10, $15 for a piece of shit they bought downtown like 12 hours ago. Yeah. Now it looks like it's a bunch of baloney, around a stem. It's all floppy and limp. They want a dollar I would pay.

Here, a dollar, get the fuck away from me and take the fucking flower away from me too. Yeah. And then what are you going to do with the flowers? Just sitting on the table. And then when they come to bring the food, it's in the way. You got to move the fucking, and it's thorny. You get cut. You're bleeding everywhere.

You get AIDS. Yeah. You get AIDS. They cause AIDS. It's a big problem. This girl's got to carry this trophy around of your incompetence for the rest of the night. It's a constant reminder of how. easy you are to whip into buying something you don't want to buy.

Pathetic. Dick, I've got a bad, I got something bad about this that even you didn't think of. This has actually happened to me. I was on a date and the guy came by our table and the girl, it wasn't even actually a date. It was just like I was at a table with a friend, whatever, right? It could, but it could have been a date. Okay. It was me.

It looked like a date externally, right? Right. Guy came over, wanted to sell a rose. He thought we were on a date. We weren't. But he left, he went to all the other tables. tables made his rounds, didn't sell shit because it's annoying, so everyone feels shitty

in the restaurant. Then he came back to our table and gave the girl a rose for a free. Oh. Uh-huh. He's fucking moving in on my chick, potentially, like this wasn't a date, but it could have been. He's coming in, he's hoarding in on my territory, making me look like a chump.

Don't give my girl gifts, dickhead. No, you, this is an interesting way to play it, and what you're saying. I think you could revolutionize the rose peddling game. See, if these guys, what they did, if they came into the restaurant and just gave the woman a flower, I would give the guy money. You know what I'm saying? Like the mariachis who go around just playing and they play for free, but then you tip them and you look like the good guy.

With the rose, it's the opposite. You look like the bad guy either way. That's Maddox. You've stumbled on an incredible solution for this problem. Yeah, I don't know, Dick, because I don't want to feel obligated. I don't want to, because when the mariachi's come to your table and you just got to sit there and, okay, great, now I got to fucking tip these guys. Otherwise, I look like a cheap skate. They're pimping you. And what if you don't have any cash on you? Yeah, but you don't look like a cheap, a cheap skate if you don't tip the mariachi people after one song.

Like they come in, they test it out one. And then if you tip them, they stay and play another one. Or you just say, here's five bucks. Get the fuck out. Get away from me. But the difference is with the rose transaction. The rose is the end of the transaction. So they have done everything that they're going to do. They're giving you the rose. If you don't pay for it, then you just look like, like a cheap skate. I don't think you would necessarily. If they gave the rose to every chick in there,

I don't think you would necessarily look cheap if you didn't give the guy money. They might even make more money. I don't know. If every other table just started tipping them and you didn't, you would look like a cheap skate. Well, I don't know. Your results might vary. You've got to test it out. But that would be better. That would be better than

what happens now where it's just a shakedown. Yeah. Yeah, Dick, I guess it's a problem. Maybe go to restaurants that don't allow those rose peddlers in, maybe like a Ruth's Chris or something. Take your dates to a nice place every now and the dick. This is the guy telling me to take my dates to a nice place, Mr. $12 steak. Hey, you can get a good $12 steak.

I didn't say $12, $35. That's a good steak. All right, man. Okay, good problem, I guess. Thanks. Your turn. Not as big as my next problem. Valentine's Day.

Oh, God. There is a real problem. Shameless. I've hated Valentine's Day forever. You know I have. I used to have this thing called the annual Valentine's Day Cupid Slaughter. And I would just draw this really violent picture in paint, an MS paint of just Cupid's getting slaughtered

with hearts going through their eyes and arrows in their butts and all sorts of funny things. What do you mean? When was this? When did you do this? I used to do it way back when my site first started, and then I kind of fell off one year because I started drawing it and I ran out of time. Was this about the time of the moment?

Mario porn? This was shortly after the Mario porn. Because you can see the progression of my skills and paint increase. Every year it looks a little bit better. The annual, you know, maybe I'll do it this year too, because I haven't done one in a long time. The annual Valentine's Day Cupid Slaughter. I'm going to ask for submissions, too, by the way. If you're an illustrator, send in your Cupid Slaughter pictures.

Maybe I'll post them all on my website. But Valentine's Day, Dick, first of all one really knows the exact origins of Valentine's Day. Did you know that? No. This is according to NPR. I don't know what it is. Did a bunch of people get killed? I know a Valentine's Day massacre,

but I guess that was predicated on Valentine's Day already existing. Yeah, it's got a pretty dark history, actually, as far as they can trace it back to it. From NPR, they say from February 13th to the 15th, the Roman celebrated the feast of Lupercalia. I think that's how it's pronounced, Lupercalia. The men sacrificed a goat and then a dog

and then whipped the women with the hides of the animals they had just slain. That's a thing they did. The Roman romantics were drunk. They were naked, says Noel Lensky, a historian at the University of Colorado at Boulder. Young women would actually line up for the men to hit them, Lensky says. Sounds like fun. Yeah.

Kill an animal, take his hide off. Get over here, baby. Wah! Nah, get out of here. They believed this would make them fertile. The brutal feat included a matchmaking lottery in which young men drew the names of women from a jar. The couple would then be coupled for the duration of the festival, or longer if the matter. was right.

Oh. Yeah. That's cool. You know, if Valentine's Day still included like beheading goats and dogs and

then just beating and hooking you up for free? Yeah, and hooking you up for free? Yeah. That sounds awesome. It does.

Now you're just on the rope for a bunch of bullshit you got to buy. Listen to this, Dick. This is from statistics brain. Is that a nickname you've given yourself? Good one, Dick.

These are some Valentine's Day statistics. The average annual Valentine's Day spending is $13.2 billion. Huh. For how many people? Worldwide? I think, no, I don't think worldwide they celebrated.

This has got to be America. Oh, I don't know. It's greater than the GDP of some nations we're just spending on buying heart-shaped cards and bullshit candy. Yeah. Yeah. Number of Valentine's Day cards exchanged annually,

180 million. Number of roses produced for Valentine's Day. $196 million, Dick. Sounds like your problem would be diminished without Valentine's Day. No, my problem would be quadrupled without Valentine's Day. These chicks would need it all year. Oh, because they wouldn't remember.

They wouldn't remember. Valentine's Day is a yearly reminder that guys need to buy you roses. Now, here's something that really, really... Okay, so listen to this. Can I just comment on that first? Yeah. Women don't need reminders that they need things purchased for them. Yeah.

Okay? Yeah. Do you think that? Well, I think it hurts that there is this reminder. that your man should be buying you things and being nice to you for a day? No, no. You think that Valentine's Day doesn't exacerbate that problem? No.

I think if anything, it gives him something to compartmentalizes it, so it gives them something to look forward to. They're like, all right, all right, Valentine's Day. We're definitely going out for a nice dinner on Valentine's Day. I can expect it on Valentine's Day and our anniversary and my birthday. You know. And then I'm not going to be a pain in the ass about it for the rest of the year. You know, Dick, it's so phony.

It's such bullshit. I dated a girl once. and one time, I dated this girl, and I told her right from the get-go, I'm like, look, here are my rules. I don't celebrate Valentine's Day. There we go, all right. There's something you got to know about me. Here are my rules. I told them all sorts of, I was like, no babies, here are the rules.

I'm going to be eating a lot of chili in bed. That's rule number one. Rule number two, my correspondence is very important to me. Rule number three, there will be soup every day. Soup and correspondence. Here's a list of my favorite soups. Mom, where's my soup? For the last episode, so funny.

I have no idea what the fuck of that meant. Anyway, yeah, so I told her, here's my rules. I don't celebrate Valentine's Day. That's it, okay? No Valentine's Day, I'm not going to celebrate it. Fuck Valentine's Day. Because it's contrived, it's arbitrary, it means nothing. It's an arbitrary day they picked on a calendar.

What have you just had a fight that day? You're still supposed to fucking celebrate because you have to? You have to go through this fucking ritual every year? I broke up with a girl on Valentine's Day. Me too. Oh my God. Yeah, I remember that one was bad. Oh yeah. I had a breakup on Valentine's Day. My first girlfriend. And I broke up on Valentine's Day.

Rough, man. It was awful. We were a couple of cold-hearted motherfuckers on this podcast. You know what, dude? You know what? I still did the right thing. I still, you know, quote, right thing. I did the right thing. And I bought her a bunch of bullshit on Valentine's Day. I'm like, here you go. Here's a fucking bunch of candy and hard-shaped bullshit. And then we broke up. It was awful. It was awful. She's probably just sitting there crying and eating her shitty candy. thinking about the Maddox that was, that could have been. Why'd you break up?

We broke up, oh, man, for a number... Just like because... Chronically depressed, yeah. There was a bunch of... Yeah, I mean, there's a bunch of reasons, you know. And her, like, psycho X was stalking me. It was insane. That sounds fun.

Percentage of Valentine's Day cards bought by women, 85%. Percentage of flowers bought by men, 73%. Hmm. Yeah. So listen to this. This is really depressing statistic. The percent of women who send themselves flowers on Valentine's Day, 14%. Oh.

So 14% of chicks are sitting there, not wanting to look lonely and single. You know what they should do? You know what they should do? They should have like a white elephant exchange for flowers, like so these 14% of women can like send each other the flowers at work. So it's still like a surprise. So it's still kind of nice. Oh, man. It's not.

Then you get people cheeping out and buying you shitty flowers that you don't want? because they all go to the same website. It's 1,800 flowers or whatever. Yeah. Man, isn't that the most depressing thing? Like, just think about, think about really let that sink in for a minute. 14% of women out there are buying themselves flowers.

They're going through this ritual. They're trudging through this horrible ritual just to not appear so desperate and lonely. Well, I think you're projecting a lot of inter... They just enjoy flowers also. Yeah, on Valentine's Day, they're buying themselves flowers. Like, you know, you could buy yourself a hand job. too. I wouldn't call that

pathetic. Well, I wouldn't send that to work. I wouldn't make this big showy display. Me getting a handjob. Hey, everyone, look at me. Do you know they're making a display? Maybe they're just buying themselves flowers for the house. Dick, it says they send themselves flowers on Valentine's Day. You don't send yourself flowers. If you want flowers, you go to the

fucking grocery store and you buy something, you walk home and you put them on your fucking pot, your kitchen window sill, whatever the fuck people do with flowers. Yeah. Percentage, this is, now this is damning. Listen to this one. The percentage of women who would end their relationship if they didn't get something for Valentine's Day, 53%.

Hmm. Oh, I'd like to see that. I'd like to put that number to the test. You want to end it, baby? Yeah, go ahead and end it. Go ahead. You want to end it over this horse shit? See ya.

Man, 53% can you believe that? Did they take that survey like at book clubs? Okay, ladies. Oh, I would tell him to go straight to hell. Me too. The gifts most often given on Valentine's Day. Allowing for multiple gifts given Candy, 47%

Flowers, 34% Cards, 52% Dining and Eating Out. 34%. That's a gift I like to give Eating out. Once a year. Now I don't celebrate Valentine's Day, never.

You know what, Dick? Isn't it just like, you're just making a huge pain in the ass for yourself, though? You know what I mean? By putting this dumb rule that you don't celebrate Valentine's Day, Valentine's Day. Let me finish my story. I was going to say earlier that that girl I dated one time I said I don't celebrate Valentine's Day and she got all butt hurt. She's like, oh, well, I really like Valentine's Day. And so I said, here's what I'll do. Okay. On Valentine's Day, I took her to the beach. We went, had a picnic.

It was really nice. Like, you know, beach side, whatever, nice breeze. It was beautiful, stuck in traffic all fucking day because every idiot had the same fucking idea. Go to the beach and have a picnic. Great. Right, rewind a little bit. You're talking about Valentine's Day. Anyway, yeah. A nice date. Nice romantic date. It's a nice romantic date.

Then we left that night took her to a nice concert. It was like a Latin jazz. It was Pancho Sanchez. You planned the most thoughtful romantic Valentine's Day ever for your girlfriend. Yes. However, I'm going to guess. I'm going to hazard a guess here that you refuse to let her call it a Valentine's Day date. Yep.

For no fucking reason. Other than some psychotic principled obsession that you have against, like, consumerism and arbitrariness. That's what it was. And so then I took her to a really nice, expensive dinner, had concert, got drinks. End of the day, I'm like, well, how was the day? She goes, yeah, it was okay. I'm like, what? What?

Why? What are you talking about? Just okay? I'm like, that wasn't the best Valentine's ever? She goes, oh, well, you know, you didn't call Valentine's. This is bullshit! There's no justice. Then I just sat all night.

I stayed up just cutting my thighs. I just cutting, just digging myself open. I was just so angry. I was just pulling meat out of myself. Why is it so important that they don't call it valent? Like you celebrate New Year's and that's arbitrary. No, it's the principle. New Year's is literally not arbitrary.

It is the measure of the earth going around the sun one cycle. From an arbitrary point, you shithead. It's just January 1st. It's no different than June 13. The difference between New Year's and Valentine's Day, Dick, is nobody expects you to buy a bunch of horse shit for New Year's. You celebrate it or don't, you go to sleep, you're not obligated. Yes, you certainly are.

They're not feeling obligated to send themselves fucking flowers just to appear not lonely and desperate. People are obligated to go to parties and feel like they have a social life, even if they don't. Yeah, but it's not as big of an obligation. You don't feel as pressured as fucking bullshit-ass Valentine's Day. 14% of women buying themselves flowers. That's depressing. I don't know. I don't know if they're doing it because they, like, need a man.

Like, I don't know if it's a Kathy cartoon. Like, maybe they just kind of are caught up in the spirit and it's a nice thing for them to have flowers at the house. You know, fuck you, Dick. And fuck everyone who celebrates Valentine's Day. Because I'm a great guy. Like, here's what it's like to date me, okay? We go out a lot. We do a lot of fun things.

We go to a lot of concerts. We go to a lot of comedy shows. We go to a lot of movies. We do a lot of, like, exciting things all the time. So when Valentine's Day comes around, I either have one of the two following options. Do what I always do, because I'm always a fun guy, or do nothing, okay? So either way, it's a lose-lose, because if I do nothing, I'm an asshole. If I do something, which is what I always do, I'm an asshole.

Or I have to go above and beyond. I have to fucking, you know, rent a fucking, I don't know, a concert hall and juggle plates or some bullshit to outdo what I normally do. It's a lose, lose-lose situation. I can't fucking win. All you have to do is call it a Valentine's Day present. Oh, that's it? Yeah. All you have to do is get a card that says happy valent.

This whole thing could be solved by $1. It's fucking, I'm going to the dollar store right after this. Yeah, the Hallmark's got a whole line for wacky people like you. Fuck Hallmark and fuck you, Dick. You know what? I do thoughtful things all the time. Except letting people say the word Valentine's Day. Do you understand the difference?

All you have to do is let them say. that one word and everything you've done would be perfect for them. This is bullshit. This is what you've created, Dick. People like you celebrate love. Celebrate Valentine's Day. It's a big fucking problem.

And I'm going to, I'm going to fight this problem to the death. I don't care if you guys vote it down. I don't give a shit. Go ahead and vote it down, you fucking idiots. You fucking sheep. Why? Why is it this important to you that they don't call it Valentine's Day? You don't think it's depressing, Dick, these people

sending themselves flowers? I don't give a shit about anything that's happening outside of this room. I want to know why you, won't let them just, why you won't just say like, hey, here's a Valentine's Day date, when it would make your life so much easier. Okay, I'll tell you why, okay? Because then I will have conceded.

I will have conceded the debate. I will have conceded the argument. I will have just given up. I'm throwing in the towel, guys. Here it is. You know what? I'm going to, I'm going to put my balls in this white towel, wrap it up, shrink wrap it for you, like this Casper bed, the mattress they sent me.

It'll be, it'll be a bigger box, though. Here you go. Take my balls. Do with them what you will. Why don't you have a Viking funeral for my balls? Why don't you just send them out to sea, set them on fire, and watch them just get ashy. They might as well, because they're never going to do anything. They're not going to produce anything useful because I've become one of the sheep, one of the fucking idiots who celebrates Valentine's Day, who's bought into this fucking hallmark holiday, this bullshit. And I know that's a common criticism, but it's common for a reason. It's true. It's a hallmark holiday. And I, about, I think about eight or nine years ago, Dick, I sent it. an email to all my friends. And we weren't friends back then, but I sent an email to all my

friends and I said, hey guys, just letting you know, I've stopped buying you Christmas gifts. I'm not going to buy you Christmas gifts anymore. And for the same reason of this Valentine's Day ideology, I thought that Christmas is kind of an arbitrary reason to buy someone gifts. Rather than feel pressured to buy everyone gifts right around Christmas or buy women flowers and shit all, you know, on this arbitrary day. wouldn't it be better if just throughout the year

if I saw something that someone liked, like you, like you'd like and I just bought it for you? Or if I thought of my girlfriend, I would just buy her flowers? Isn't that better? Because doesn't that mean that you actually put some thought and consideration into it? Rather than looking at the calendar and saying, oh, God, here comes this big fucking day.

We've got to do this song and dance. Isn't that better? Yeah, for you maybe, except all she wants is for you to say the word, Valentine's Day. It's not, yeah, this is everything that you just, said with the Viking funeral and putting your balls in advice

is your definition of what the rest of us call a compromise. Yeah. Like, just give a little bit. It's a lot easier. I give a lot all the time. I'm the most giving person. Give what they want. You have to give not just what you want. It's what they want also. Yeah.

That's what the holiday is about. Giving them what they want. It's not about giving. They're being manipulated. No, they just want a little recognition. Everyone else is getting it. Dick, I give them recognition all the time. I'm not going to do this big showy display.

It's a big fucking pissing contest, and you're afraid of what people, these rose peddlers are doing to you in restaurants? How does Valentine's Day make everyone look like a fucking chump? And then, God forbid, if you're that guy who sends flowers to someone at work, you fucking asshole. On Valentine's Day, fuck you. You do it just because that's cool, that's sneaky, that's clever, that's thoughtful.

But on Valentine's Day, it's cheap, it's cheesy. No, it's not weird? It's weird. It's weird if you're just. Like sending a lot of flowers randomly throughout the year. You're weird. It's a little showy. Valentine's Day, biggest problem. Valentine's Day, it's appropriate to do it.

You know, it's like, it's kind of a little bit embarrassing and shameful to have public displays of affection littering the office place. But on Valentine's Day, it's okay. Yeah. All right, Al Bundy, that's my problem. I'm Al Bundy? You're Al Bundy. You're the one freaking out like you're from the 50s about it being, Valentine's Day being a scam, and you're going to send your balls out on a funeral pyre before you admit anything's up.

This is not a Valentine's Day, Jane. My problems this week were love and Valentine's Day. This is the way he said it. My problems were rose peddlers, and what was the other one? It gives a shit. Shit, what was my other problem? Sex with the X. Sex with the X.

Oh, sex with the X. Thanks for listening, guys. Don't forget to check out Casper. More next week. Hi. I just wanted to point out the story of Maddox switching his girlfriend's Jack and Coke out with Jack and Diet the last episode. She had another weird example of him tampering with people's food without their knowledge.

That's right. I think those is becoming either a big problem or a big solution, depending on how you look at it. That's right. You're all right. Oh. That's nice of him. Huh. I don't like this analysis he did of me.

Yeah, he caught that one. It sounds like it's too close to, it's hit too close to home. Why do you do that? Why do you like fucking with people's food? Yeah, I don't know, man. You like seeing what happens. You like just seeing what happens. an experiment. It's a little like micro experiment.

I'm a scientist. Yeah, you're a garbage man. This is Celine. I put for you this one problem. It's when you're with a girl and you're trying to give her one fuck. And a pussy, you know, so big. You try to go another way. And you're giving, yeah, something bad to come out.

It's no good. Big problem. Go fuck yourself, dick. Oh, that wasn't a real voice. I thought that was building up to something. Me too. Uh, oh yeah, here we go. Nah, that's all I got.

All right, Dick. Well, sounds like, that's, that guy, last guy sounded like Baud Sanchez. By the way, the, the voicemail you played at the end of the last episode, uh, the guy, or the last episode, the guy who called in, uh, say that he was a jock from high school and he called me a douche. He sounded like Batman from college humor. You know those college humor videos? No. Okay.

Well, there's that.