The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 40

Episode Date: May 11, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe I'm Maddox with me is Dick Masterson. Hey, what's up, buddy? And Sean, our audio engineer. Hello. Welcome back, welcome back. Our big post-valentine's day episode, live episode is out. Yeah, it's an exciting day. It's an exciting day for everyone.

People have been waiting a while for this live episode, haven't they? They've been bitching a while. That sure shit has been happening. Listen to this. I got a voicemail about it. Hey, guys, I'm just calling to inquire about the status of bonus episode. How the hell is this still not out? You've been hyping

this for three months. Has it been three months? I just don't understand how many goddamn special effects you must be editing editing in Maddox. You can't finish this. But hey, maybe you're just too busy not writing any articles or not making any YouTube videos.

What do I know? I'm just a guy with a real job. Hey Dick, keep up the good word. Oh yeah, no problem. An asshole. You know, I want to I want to delay everything more, just to piss off people like that. I really do. You want to take it down and put it up later?

Okay, you know, you want to know a little secret? What? I swear, way back in the day when I was releasing an article one time, I was a little bit delayed, something happened. It was a personal thing that happened, and I had to delay the release of an article that I said was going to come out a certain time. Someone bitched about it, and then just out of spite. I wrote back to him, I said, hey, because you bitched,

I'm going to hold off on it for another half a day, and I did. I followed through, just to spite one person. You know, if you were really evil, you could have given him like a sneak preview link and then got his IP address by seeing who clicked in that link. And then, yeah, band or always serve him the same page so he never sees updates. Fucking tool. Listen to this, Dick. I got an email from a fan.

His name is Jiggity Smith. Cool. Okay. Is he friends with Dr. Smooth Rod by chance? Could be brothers. Could be related for sure. Vickety Smith. Jiggity Smith.

He sent us what he's. He created a theme song for the show. And this is actually, it's really well done. I've never heard anything like this. I think you'll really enjoy it. Listen to this. Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe. This is where Maddox and Dick folk perpetually converse about every last problem, both big and small.

It's like the Pokemon of problems. They just got to discuss them all. The goal in mind is to find the biggest problem. And as a bonus, they sometimes try to solve them. So I present to you without further ado, shunny engineer, dick the asshole. Oh, that's cool. Bravo. Yeah, that was cool.

I like that he used bonus both ways. Yeah. It was a bonus. We try to solve them when it is a bonus episode. Yeah. You get to pay for it, and it's a bonus. That was really well done. Good job.

That's Jiggity Smith. Check out his website, jiggottysmith.com. And he proposed that as the new theme to the show. But I think it's probably a little bit too long for the theme. Yeah, I don't know. You know, what is too long is I haven't heard who, won last week. Who won? It was rose peddlers, followed by Valentine's Day, sex with the X, and then love.

All right, so let's go on with the... Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Rose Peddlers won? Nobody won, Dick, because it's not a contest. And I'm so tired of saying that. I really... Okay, what's your gimmick? Let's hear it. Well, people are really jumping on board the Titanic thing. You are on quite a tear. Dude, it's a dynasty. I told you last week that that problem would cement my dynasty of wins. Did I not?

Such bullshit. Did I say that? I said that rose peddlers would cement my dynasty. You said something. You said a lot of things, Dick. Yeah. Well, here, somebody sent in a song.

Speaking of songs. Great. Somebody sent in a song for my Titanic bit. Grant Mooney. This is bullshit. I'm out. You know this song is from Titanic. Yeah, I know.

I wrote a whole hate article about Celine Dion. Is this just a song? No, it gets better. Can't get worse. Oh. This, I hate this song so much. Maddox is an asshole. He can go fuck himself.

His problems all suck and he deserves this. You suck. Dynasty. Piece of shit. This is bullshit. And Dick, you can go on and... I think this is Clay Aiken. Go on and go fuck yourself.

Oh, right, alright. Are you ready to watch Titanic? Are you ready to watch Titanic? No, I'm not going to. I've never watched Titanic and I'm not going to. I'm not about to start. Batten down your hatches, asshole, because you're about to watch another 30 seconds. If you remember, we had just met Bill Paxton, who was leading an underwater salvaging expedition. to search for something. And he just found the Titanic, and here we are.

Maddox, watch. Fuck, I'm not watching. I'm looking away. I'm looking at the ground. I'm looking at my penis. My zippers are over. Imagine that your penis is a sunken ship. Okay.

I am looking at something on the dead of Titanic. Okay. I am looking at something besides the Titanic. With one hole in it, buddy. He's giving you valuable information about the Titanic. There's nothing valuable in this movie. This is a piece of shit. These windows are nine inches thick, you say.

I got a little. something to nine inches thick, buddy. Talking about science, dude. Talking about my penis, dude. You should be interested in this. Nah. This is stupid. The movie's stupid and you're stupid.

Wait, wait. All right, well, you've ruined another clip. Good. Fuck that movie and fuck you. I have a comment from last episode, Dick. By the way, so Valentine's Day just happened, right? And when I went out on Valentine's Day, it was fucking impossible to get into any restaurant,

lines for hours, everything was expensive. I just wanted to go to a restaurant and order what I normally order, which is just fucking food. And I can't because they have this prefixed menu for $55 for couples or some bullshit like that. I heard about that pre-svix menu that they're doing now. And that offends me. Oh. Because it turns, yeah, yeah, yeah, it turns like the restaurant experience into kind of a cafeteria,

like a cattle call. Yeah. And this seemed to be like a mandatory thing they're doing to get you in and out of the restaurant. I find that, yeah, I find that distasteful. Yeah, you think it's distasteful and too commercial on Valentine's? Day to kind of package everyone into like cattle call to try to sell them as much shit as possible. I do. Yeah.

I do. Then you should go vote up Valentine's Day, Dick. Do that right now. You. Well, I'll think about it. I'll go re-listen to the episode and see how I feel about it. Such bullshit. I got a comment from Katie Diane.

She actually made a poem based on my rant about Valentine's Day and love from last episode. He said, Love is Stupid by Mad Ox. I met a great guy. It's me. I do love myself, often, two or three times a day. It depends, maybe. Whatever, it's normal.

Do you fucking know what love is? I know what true love is. And I look at it every day in the mirror. It's such a burning flame for me, I have. Ah, I love me. I did dedicate both my books to me. I did dedicate it to my soulmate, the person I love most in this world. And that is love.

It's beautiful. Yeah. Wrote using my own words. Yeah. I'm a poet. I think a lot of the, like I read a lot of comments about that podcast, and some guys were saying that they talk to their girlfriends about not celebrating Valentine's Day and everybody hates spending all this money.

But I think you can solve a lot of your problems with Valentine's Day just by writing a stupid poem like that. Don't you think? I guess, but why do it on Valentine's Day? It's tacky. It's thoughtless. It's cheap. It's lazy. You just look at the calendar.

Oh, there's a day. I'm supposed to do this thing. All right. got, here's, here's another voicemail about your love problem from last week. Great. Dear Maddox. Oxytocin. Oxytocin.

Oxytoin. I looked it up after that episode. Oxytoin. A lot of people commenting on. I have a great day. Yeah, yeah. I get it, guys. Who cares?

Whatever. Okay, so I mispronounce it. Who gives a shit? Yeah. Here's one about, here's one about the ad. We ran an ad last week for Casper. Yeah, the mattresses. Yeah.

Here you go. Hey guys, wanted to thank you for the really valuable information about Casper mattresses. As a consumer, purchasing a fucking mattress,

my number one concern is fucking how do they ship it? Because when they include shipping for free, which I believe they do, how the fuck they do it is almost of no concern to me. But nice mentioning absolutely nothing

about how comfortable the fucking thing is or whether you're actually using yourself. I'm so glad you're impressed with their website. and their ability to stuff a piece of foam in a fucking box. Now, here's a question. What's it like to sleep on the fucking mattress? That's crazy.

That's the kind of thing I'm interested in, given that I'm going to spend a fully, what, one-third of my fucking life on this thing. Anyway, great joke, guys. Pretty well put. Yeah. Yeah, well, they didn't send it to us in time to give you the sleep test.

I've slept on it since, and it is some of the best sleep I've had, no joke. All right. It's a really, really comfortable match. Go fuck yourself, by the way, whoever sent that voicemail in. I was really impressed with the shipping, okay? Yeah, it's a feat to be able to ship a mattress in a tiny box, dickhead. How is that not impressive?

And it looked cool. It looked super cool. Yeah, and it sleeps fine. I mean, it's a fucking great mattress. Of course, it sleeps fine. Here's one from Duke Rembiasmatics. Shut the fuck up so I can listen to Titanic. I think we can all agree with that, right?

Yeah, I got a comment from Braden Freeland. He says, when Dick wins and he plays Titanic, we are all suffering. The only thing that belongs at the bottom of the ocean is this terrible bit. You're not making Maddox suffer as much as your listeners are as well. Thank God for Stitcher and their 30-second fast forward. Oh. Well, there. I timed it so you could take advantage of that.

I got another comment real quick from Antonio DeMonte. So, you know, that stupid John Lennon song, love is all you need? Yeah. There's an article on markmanson.com. Mark Manson.net says love is not enough. This is from, I believe, the article, says in 1967, John Lennon wrote a song called All You Need is Love. He also beat both of his wives, a band in one of his children, verbally abused his gay, Jewish manager with homophobic and anti-Semitic slurs, and once had a camera crew film him lying naked in his bed for an entire day.

35 years later, Trent Rezner from Nine Inch Nails, wrote a song called Love is Not Enough. Resner, despite being famous for his shocking stage performance and his grotesque and disturbing videos, got clean from all drugs and alcohol, married one woman, had two children with her, and then canceled entire albums and tours so that he could stay home and be a good husband and father. That's Trent Reznor, who wrote the song, Love is Not Enough. Yet, John Lennon, this idyllic shithead, this idea... What is it? Yeah, it's all right. They're right.

Yeah. No, it's not idealic. Idealistic shithead. Idealistic shithead. Yeah, John Lennon, this idealistic shithead, wrote love is all you need, and it's not. And he was this abusive, homophobic, anti-Semitic shithead. Yeah. Somebody actually sent another voicemail.

I don't know if I should play it. This woman by the name of Diane who said that the Beatles were themselves huge slacktivists, specifically because all they did was talk about how you need love, but their personal lives didn't reflect that. Yeah, I thought that was pretty interesting. So the slackivism problem goes way back about that. Yeah. All right. problems. I got a bit I want to play

for you. Great. Boisterous coconuts is back. The biggest problem in history. Taking the history out of history, examining the biggest problems in history to occur this week. I love these. Me too. February 16th, 1923,

King Touch Tomb is raided. Congratulations, guys. You're broken to a dead kid's grave. After years of searching for the lost tomb, English archaeologist Howard Carter finally opened Touch Burial Chamber. recovering jewelry, gold statues, and a chariot. In other words, they stole a teenage boy's coolest stuff and his car.

Well done, Carter. I hear there's some kick-ass Bradstalls of John Bray Ramsey's coffin. Go get it. All right, here's another one. I'm going to play him throughout the show. February 22nd, 1944. Robert Kardashian is born. Friend to O.J. Simpson.

Defender of O.J. Simpson in court. of O.J. Simpson's bloody clothes from his house after his killing spree, and patriarch to a pile of pointless children. Robert Kardashian will forever be remembered for creating the one family of Armenians that you don't feel sorry for. So that happened this week. That's great. How about that? Before we get on to the problems, I do have one last bit to play here.

This is everyone's favorite bit from the show. No, no, fuck you. No! Verses. Yeah. I hate this bit. Oh, I bet you do, buddy. This bit is such bullshit.

It's always taken out of context. Oh, but wait, Dick. This is a special one because... It's a double. You got to do both. Yeah. This one, there's actually two Dick versus Dicks from last episode, Dick. All right, all right.

All right. All right. You remember this, Dick. You said this about people who have sex with the X. You said this. Like moving in together, buying a pet together, or having a kid together. So that's what sex with the X can leave. to these things that will basically ruin your life all of these things having a child buying a pet

moving in together those are all things that will ruin your life yeah basically yeah so those are all things that can ruin your life huh i'm having sex with the ex yeah you know what uh that sounds like dick you know buying a pet uh moving in together having a kid sounds to me like a family yeah and here's what you said in episode one way back when you remember this family is not a problem Family is not a problem So which is it, Dick? Our family's a problem And if so, why were you suggesting

Sex? Why are we saying sex with the X is a problem If families are also not a problem? Wait, which question do you want? You got a lot of questions out there. Which one do you want? I mean both of them. I mean both of them. I don't care what you have to read

To expand your mind enough To be able to hold both of those thoughts in it At the same time, but I mean both of them. Well, you don't want to start a family with the X. Yes, exactly. Oh, is that what you want? Exactly. I'm sorry, was this Dick versus Sean

Or is this Dick versus Dick? Sorry that I need a translator for you, Maddox, to translate what I'm saying into a pedantic asshole. Yeah. So you need a lifeline sounds like it. Yeah. And then here's what you said about sex with your ex. Sex with the ex. Why is that a problem?

It's awful. You said it's awful. That's true. Okay. Do you think that that's not true? Well, to an extent, yes. Okay. And then poor But Sanchez asked you for advice, and here's what you told him.

He asked you for advice on whether or not he should sleep with his ex, and here's what you said. Do it, do it, do it, fucking. Yeah, here's what he said. He's asking for advice. So whether or not he should bang his ex. Yeah. And what's your advice to him?

What do you do? Well, I asked him because I, you know my advice. Yeah, do it. That's the worst you could happen. You could wreck your life and have a kid. Oh, which dick should we listen to? Yeah, because at some point, the bigger problem is like what I could have done. Like, the regret of not having done something eventually overwhelms all the

other negative consequences. It doesn't mean it's not still a problem. It doesn't mean that sex with the ex isn't a problem. It's just, I'm a curious man. And I want to know what will happen. Dick, I think after you talk, we're all left more curious. Hey, hey, hey, hey, no, no, Brandon Loza wrote in when But Sanchise described, what But Sanchez described was my crazy-ass bipolar ex-wife who doesn't work, gives shitty blow jobs, but she's still single. She also hated a pop, blah, blah, By coincidence, I was talking to her and almost tried making plans to go do stuff with her yesterday, then the podcast came out and he didn't.

So I'm just presenting all sides here. And smart guys like Brandon can make their own decisions. Yeah. You know, Bud Sanchez sent me an 11th hour email after the podcast there, and he said, hey, I sent this to Dick, but he didn't read it on the air. And he said that he made an amendment to the description of his ex. He said that she's not in a relationship.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Uh, yeah. Well, yeah, very controversial. Does it matter? Does it matter? Only to the listeners of this show. Um, okay, Dick, let's get to the problems.

Hurry up. So that, uh, that Dick hit who called about the, uh, the Casper mattress saying, oh, I spent a third in my life asleep. You know what? You might be part of this week's problem, buddy, because the biggest problem in the universe is people who love to sleep. Oh, all right. That's my problem. You know these guys, Dick? Yeah.

Yeah, they're assholes. Well, I know a lot of girls who suffer from this problem. Oh, suffer? Yeah. Yeah. No, what do you mean, stuff? Yeah, I, that's my type. Like, I always date girls who want to stay in bed to like 2 p.m.

Yeah, it's awful. It's awful. It's awful. If you like to sleep so much, why don't you just die? Right? Sleep is like practice for death. It's like one long eight-hour tutorial for a video game where your goal is to end your life and to lie motionless in a coffin for the rest of eternity. You know who likes to sleep?

Vampires. And vampires are idiots. What? Yeah. Why do vampires like to sleep? That's the second point is vampires like to sleep and they're idiots? Well, first of all, they don't exist, right? Oh, okay.

And second, people who think their vampires are assholes. You know these guys? Have you ever met someone who thinks they're a vampire? I've never met one, but I know of them. Have you met one? Yeah, they're the biggest, smelliest assholes. Where did you meet one? Oh, man.

Well, I grew up in Utah, and Utah has a really big goth scene. And so some of the gots, like the extreme fringes of the goths, they get prosthetic teeth and they think they're vampires. Did you have a conversation with any of them? Yeah, yeah, it's awful. It's always just about, well, they've always been really super nice, which makes me think that they're not vampires. Also, that vampires don't exist.

They get, like, these people, like, seriously, it's insane. They get prosthetic teeth, they eat rare steak, like some kind of spooky super villain, when all they really are are assholes who listen to dipshit industrial music at dipshit raves. That's all these guys. do. They just go to Raves listening to Industrial. They drink blood, too.

I saw them on Ricky Lake. Yeah. They drink like cow blood and stupid shit, like the parts that you throw away of a cow. You're not spooky, moron. You're just an asshole. It's gross. Dick, you know what's awesome? Doing things. You know what's lame? Not doing things.

And that's what you're doing when you're asleep. Nothing. You're just laying there. Wow. You know someone else who likes to spend a lot of time sleeping? People in comas. Yeah? Yeah. Comas suck. If your favorite pastime is something you have in common with someone who's in a persisted vegetative state, you're a moron. I hate sleep. Sleep is the worst. No, I hate it too. I've never been good at it. Like in my whole life, I've never been able to do it properly. Yeah. You can't get enough of it. Maybe you need a Casper mattress, buddy. Maybe I do. You know who else loves to sleep? Who's that? Babies. Yeah.

Yeah. And babies I brought in as the biggest problem in the universe, which nobody agreed with. Yeah, because it was stupid. Babies are stupid. You think my problem with babies is stupid or babies are stupid? I think your problem with babies are stupid. What was your problem with it? Your problem wasn't that they ruin your life.

Well, that's part of it, sure. Yeah, but what was your main problem with it? I don't remember. There were so many problems. I said that they cry too much. They're too fragile. they're always dying on you. Yeah.

I remember, now I remember, that's where we got really side-tracked. With SIDS and how you would care for a baby. Yeah, I hate people who like sleeping too much. Yeah, it's the worst. I dated a girl who just, her favorite thing to do with sleep, I thought, I just kept, every time she said that, I said, why don't you just die?

Like, why are we, why are we together? Why are you existing? Why are you alive? Why bother? If you just like to, sleep, is unconsciousness. And you know what else happens when you're asleep? Nightmares.

Nightmares don't happen during the day. Well, during the day, the only thing that happens are cartoons, video games, and good food, and sex. But during sleep, nothing happens but nightmares. That's true. Yeah. It's the end of a dynasty. I hear them.

It's a good problem, huh, buddy? Well, so I looked into it. Yeah, because I really feel strongly about it. Like, it's almost every girl I've dated. It's just been mopey and depressed, and they just want to lay in bed. Let's go sleep. Let's go sleep.

And any conversation about sleep is painful. Like someone telling you how much sleep they got annoys me. It's like somebody telling me that they got a raise. I'm just like, hey, yeah, all right. Just go walk off a cliff. Like, I hope your car gets keyed or something. Yeah, I hope he car stalls on a train track. Yeah.

And then there's the people who are like, oh my God, I didn't, I barely got any sleep. Yeah. Like, how much sleep did you get last night? Like, I don't know, three hours. I got two and a half hours. way less sleep than you. It's like, well, so, so what are you better than me? It's a pissing contest. Yeah. Well, how is this a pissing contest? How do you measure the value of your life by how much you didn't sleep? Is that the biggest hardship you have in your life, lack of sleep?

You know what it is, Dick? I read this article about this a long time ago. It was kind of an opinion piece or an editorial in a newspaper, I believe, but they were talking about this phenomenon of people bragging about how little sleep they got. And they use it as kind of like a measuring stick for how they work and they're trying to brag and say oh i only got two hours of sleep because i'm working so hard yeah and number one i don't believe them yeah like i bet if i was uh hanging over their bed all night like a specter they probably they probably hit about six hours yeah like six and a half hours and it's like i don't know i saw the clock at five so i'm saying two yeah it's like it reminds me of like you know like a gangster rap battle yeah they're always like bragging about how disenfranchised

and poor their community that they come from was yeah yeah that's like That's like the middle-class white version of that. Yeah. It's like, well, how much sleep did you get, Mother F-er? Yeah. I got two and a half hours. Yeah. And I'm feeling dowers.

I'm not a good rapper. I'm just saying. No, you're terrible. And very white. Yeah, man. It becomes this pissing contest. Well, I got 1.45 and I'm feeling alive. Sorry, good.

Good. Good. Any anything else? No, no. No, no. No. No. Dick, all right.

You know, so I looked into this, and people who like to sleep too much may actually have a condition called hypersomnia. Have you heard of this? No. Yeah, it's actually a medical disorder. This is from, according to WebMD, many people with hypersomnia experience symptoms of anxiety, low energy, and memory problems as a result of their almost constant need for sleep. And let me add to that, almost constant need to tell everyone that they need sleep. I'm so fucking tired of it. I want to have zero conversations about how much you like to sleep, how much you need sleep,

and what you like to eat and all your dietary restrictions, I don't give a shit. I don't care. If you want to sleep, then fucking fuck off and sleep already. I'm living life, buddy. I'm enjoying shit. I don't go to sleep.

I fall asleep because my body's shutting down. I stay awake to the last possible second. I'm watching things. I'm reading books. There's video games to play. There's people to do. There's food to eat. I have shit to do.

I'm too busy to sleep. Sleep is for death. I hate sleep. I want to keep going until my heart explodes. Yeah. That's what I want. Until, like, my brain dissolves and my heart explodes out of my face. I do not want to ever sleep.

First of all, I'm vulnerable in my sleep. I don't like that. Yep. You know? Yep. I have, like, weapons strategically set up in my apartment in case I get woken up in the middle of the night. I have, like, my plan in my head.

Oh, me too, buddy. I have a machete that's at my, that's at the ready. You actually gave me this machete. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I brought back, I went to Costa Rica and I brought back three machetes. One for me, one for Maddox, and one for my life coach, that fat guy that I've mentioned in the other episodes.

That's it. Because I'm like, if there's three motherfuckers that need a machete at night because they have weird plans of people breaking into their apartments and harassing them and doing butt stuff with them, it's these three guys.

Dick, you would not believe the number of times. No exaggeration, this isn't even just like a madox, bloviating thing. You would not believe the number of times I've used that machete. Like, I always grab that machete when I hear anything, I run outside with it. It's almost dull from all the chopping I've done.

You know I bought that thing? Like Costa Rican Home Depot. Oh. It's like a lawn tool that they use down there because the growth is so crazy. You just see like a bunch of like Costa Ricans at the side of the road just hacking, hacking foliage all day. Yeah. Wouldn't want to get in a fight with one of those guys. They got machetes.

That's a cool Home Depot if they got a machete aisle. Yeah. So listen to this dick. Here is some of the problems that you can get from sleeping too much. Diabetes. It increases your risk of diabetes. Studies have shown that sleeping too long or not enough each night can increase the risk for diabetes. obesity.

One recent study showed that people who slept for nine or ten hours every night were 21% more likely to become obese over a six-year period than were people who slept between seven and eight hours. The association between sleep and obesity remained the same even when they controlled for food intake and exercise. Nine to ten hours? Yep. Nine to ten hours makes you 21% more likely to be a big fat fatty.

How do you even live sleeping that... sleeping nine to ten hours? I don't know, man. What do these people do? You wake up at 8, so you went to bed at 10. Oh, my God. Headaches. For people prone to headaches, sleeping longer than usual on a weekend or vacation can cause head pain.

Researchers believe that this is due to the effect oversleeping has on certain neurotransmitters in the brain, including serotonin. And listen, Dickheads, you want to send in a voicemail and correct me on that, or is it serotonin? Is it serotonin? You know what I'm trying to say. assholes. Piece of shit. Back pain. Back pain's another thing

that oversleeping can increase. Depression. Although insomnia is more commonly linked to depression than over sleeping, roughly 15% of people with depression sleep too much. That's right. They're depressed, so they just like to sleep their lives away. Yeah, like teenagers. Get your ass out of bed.

Fucking idiots. Heart disease. The nurse's health study involved nearly 72,000 women. A careful analysis of the data from that study showed that women who slept 9 to 11% 11 hours per night were 38% more likely to have coronary heart disease than women who slept to 8 hours. 9 to 11 hours? Yeah. Who the hell are these people?

People I've dated? No, dude, you're exactly right. It's really infuriating me. Yeah. Thinking about women who've, like just imagining them lounging out on these chaise lounges. And this is the girl that I'm dating and fighting with and trying to bang and trying to whatever have a relationship with. This is what they want to do. They want to have a life where they're sleeping 11, 12,

upwards of 27 hours a day, right? Yeah, might as well. You know, why get up? Why get up out of bed? Why bother? Why start the day? I don't know. Oh, I just like to sit around my jammies.

They have a uniform for this activity. They put down pajamas. That's stupid. Yeah. That's like a costume for death. That's all that is. Yeah. It's in preparation for dying.

And then, speaking of death, Death. Multiple studies have found that people who sleep nine or more hours a night have significantly higher death rates than people sleeping seven to eight hours at night. No specific reason for this correlation has been determined, but researchers found that depression and low socioeconomic status are also associated with longer sleep. So this all makes sense, right? You have lower socioeconomic status, higher depression rates, you have backaches, you have depression, you have headaches, you have obesity.

These just sound like big fat fatties who don't have jobs, who are just sleeping away the days. They're just sliding right into death. Yeah. Like sliding like a mudslide. Yeah. Like a big avalanche of fat so sliding into the permanent coma of death. They're probably going to be good at it.

I don't think I'd be good at death, Dick, to be honest. Sorry, come again? Yeah, I don't think I'd be good at dying. Well, the death scenarios that you've posed thus far have been pretty good. What do you mean? Getting rocketed at a brick wall. Wasn't that one of your ways to die? Yeah.

It's a pretty good death. I mean, I'm a die-hard, that's why. Yeah, what does that mean? Well, I'm a son of my father. I got to tell you, this is kind of a little aside real quick, but my dad is a real badass, right? In the last 10 years, he has survived, I think I mentioned this on one of the earlier episodes,

but he's fallen off a roof three times. Remember we talked about this? He's fallen off a roof three times. He survived a heart attack, a stroke. He survived cancer. He survived dropping a snowplow on his leg and shattering his shin, and he has screws in his legs now.

He survived. Just recently he fell, hit his head, got like a little brain hemorrhage or something, and internal brain bleeding, and they thought it was the onset of Alzheimer's. You know, a week later, he sprung right back, the blood disappeared,

and he's just fine. All right. Yeah, basically invincible. He's bad at dying, I'm bad at dying. Oh, okay, I see. So it's going to take a lot to bring you down. I think so. Not in the middle of a rant

where you just have one of your blood vessel, your heart just explodes. You know what? I think it's making me more powerful. These veins are growing in my head. I think it's just increasing blood flow to my brain, so I get angrier. Oh, that's interesting. Anger is a solution because it strengthens and widens the arteries like a giant freeway of blood going to your brain. Blood and anger. You bet it does, buddy.

It makes you smarter. I didn't think about that. Anyway, Dick, that's my problem. That's a pretty good problem. People who love to sleep, fuck off. Yeah, Sean and I used to live with a guy who, I would say sleep was, like, like one of his top five favorite things to do. Probably sleeping, nailing fat brads,

and telling us about nailing fat brides were his top three favorite things to do. And I don't know why I remember this so clearly, but he came down one morning. We all lived together in this big house, this frat house. And not literally frat house. And he wanted to tell us about a weird dream he had had.

So he was taught, do you remember this? No, just the dream thing. There's nothing more boring than listening to somebody's dreams. I hate it. Everything. Any conversation that revolves around sleep is awful, right?

Can we say everything? What is good? Have you ever heard a good one about sleep? No, because you know what happened. The beginning, middle, and end are exactly the same. You're laying down. Yeah, and then you wake up. So he's telling us about this dream he had,

and we're kind of like half-tuning out. And then he says, in the dream, he saw something weird, and then he goes, yeah, so I went back up to my room and took a nap. Like, wait a minute. You took a nap in his dream? In your dream? And that's that guy to me, forever. As soon as he said that, that's like a more boring version of a boring story.

It's like, it's like satirical. Like, oh, we heard you like sleeping, so we put a nap in your dream so you can sleep while you sleep. Sleep while you sleep. Stupid. Sleep, sleep zealots. You got any more? No, that's it, man. Pretty good.

Biggest problem in the universe. People will have to sleep too much. And fuck off. Not sleep, though. Not sleep in general? No, sleep is fine. Sleep is fine. If you want to sleep just a normal amount of time, do it and fuck off. Don't talk about it. Don't talk to me about your sleep. I don't care. But if you love to sleep, if it's a part of your hobby, if it's a part of your identity, you know what?

I always swipe left to girls who list sleeping as one of their hobbies. Thank you? Yeah. All the time, I see girls who say, oh, they love to sleep. You know what? Fuck you. You love to sleep? I don't love you. Yeah, it's like eating. Like, I love to eat. I love to have sex. Like, all right.

That's what you are. So your hobbies, that your identity? Sleep is your identity? What are you a sleep master? You little Nemo, you dumb shit? If you were Little Nemo, I'd be your friend. That sounds amazing. Little Nemo has adventures in his dream.

And his dreams have, like, real life, real repercussions. Nobody is Little Nemo. You're not Little Nemo. No. Nobody knows what I'm talking about. It's a 1920s comic. There's a Nintendo game. It's really good.

Check out the... It's not the fish. It's not the fish that you're talking about. No, not that fish. No, not that Nemo. That's a different Nemo. Little Nemo is, yeah, an old 1920s comic. You want to hear more from Asteroos Coconos?

Let's hear it. February 20th, 1839, Congress... Wait a minute, I want to preface this. Asteroos is a bit where he takes the Pistory out of history. Right? This is the worst thing that's happened in history this week. Yeah. Yeah, all right.

All right, here we go. February 20th, 1839. Congress prohibits dueling in the... District of Columbia, banning the cleanest method we had of resolving political disputes. It's true. The Federalist Party? Of course you don't, because Aaron Burr shot Alexander Hamilton ending the Federalist Party. Although ruling one banned in D.C., our brilliant congressman found a loophole.

They simply made the two-hour carriage ride to the outskirts of Maryland, then murdered each other. Cool. Hooray! Can you imagine that? It would be amazing. If that was still a viable way of solving, like, political arguments? I wish those pig fuckers in D.C. would still do that. Just shoot themselves in the head.

Yeah, or at least box it out. Yeah. Is that illegal to say? Because I'm not making a threat, but I am suggesting that they shoot themselves in the head. No, no, no, that's not illegal to say. That's not illegal? No. To say that people in Congress should shoot themselves in the head. Or face.

Or each other? Or each other. They should have a big party. They should have a big Congress where they just point guns at each other and just keep firing. Just slaughter. And last man standing wins. Okay, you know what? I guess you won.

Winns a free shot to the head. wins a pretty shot to the yeah yeah uh no i don't think that's illegal to say i guess we'll find out you know it's interesting so you remember that movie the interview right about the north korea yeah thing so it's that movie what raised such ire because it's about murdering the president or the ruler of north korea right yet it is illegal for us in america to do that yeah isn't that interesting interesting Interesting hypocrisy. Interesting hypocrisy, right?

It's like, hey, so Obama comes out and says, hey, F you, Sony, you are pussies for not making your movie about murdering a foreign dictator. It was like, hey, could we make that movie about you? You're going straight to jail if you do that. Yep. Yeah. Where was that argument, Dick, when I brought in Sony as a problem,

instead of you're bloviating about how much Sony's, and Obama's the villain here and this and that. That's a good argument. I just thought of it. Yeah. I just thought of it. You know, we'll go back and patch it in. machine.

Yeah. That's why it should be a solution. Big a solution. All right, here's another one. February 21st, 1804. The first steam-powered locomotive is demonstrated at the Penny Darren Ironworks in South Wales, leading directly to the development of steampunk. Those unknown nerves and goggles and corsets who clog up our otherwise pristine comic book

conventions wouldn't exist if inventor Richard Trevithic's new steam-powered engine had simply exploded, killing hundreds. A small price to pay indeed. He sounds so nice, but he's such a sick fuck. I love Mysterios. Yeah, be too. That's amazing. All right, are you ready for my problem?

Let's do it. My problem is news casturbation. News casturbation. You know, Dick, you've been really jerking yourself off with these titles lately. A lot of creative alliterations and stupid shit. This one I actually like. You like this one? Why?

I love the title for this. It's just fun. It's a fun way of saying it. It's a fun visual. I'm imagining a news anchor jerking off. Right. Which they do do. Newscasters, they all jerk off.

Yeah. However, I think as a society, we revere them in this way that they are beyond human. Like, these are not people we're looking at, these newscasters. They are magical deities that bring us only facts. And don't jerk off at home. And don't lie and don't make shit up, right? And don't have out-of-control egos. They're some kind of prescient beings that are responsible for giving us information,

and they're not out of control egotomaniacs who just want to be on television, right? Well, I don't think it's one extreme or the other, Dick. I think the truth lies somewhere in the middle. I don't think that newscasters are revered as much as you say, and I don't think they're as shallow and just these vain people who just want to be on TV. I don't think it's either one, really. I do believe that some good journalists exist, and I believe that they're journalists

because they want to bring people facts. They want to tell the truth. They want to bring important stories to people who need to know. Well, maybe, but I hate them. Okay. So Brian Williams got fired this week, are suspended without pay.

Brian Williams is the, was the NBC Nightly News anchor, is that correct? Yeah, he was also the smug asshole on 30 Rock that would have like this stupid, did you ever, do you know the show 30 Rock? Yeah, I don't get it. I tried to watch it a bunch of, a bunch of times and I don't like 30 Rock. I don't like, what's his name? Morgan, Tracy Morgan.

I don't like him. He's the one who is almost in a coma, right? I don't know. Loves to sleep. Anyway, yeah, man, I never liked that show. Anyway, yeah, he's in 30 Rock. No, that show only works if you fast forward to the Alec Baldwin parts. I don't like Al-Q Baldwin on that show. You don't like Al-Baldon on that show?

No, he's too smug and his face is too fat. Okay, well, he does have a fat face. Anyway, Brian Williams was the Rye smug asshole The host of NBC News Okay And he made...

Do you know what he made up? He made up a bunch of shit Like what? Well, he said He was in some kind of a helicopter thing In Afghanistan, wherever I don't know, In the Middle East, he was in a helicopter,

There was another helicopter Another helicopter got shut down Got shot down And he's been telling everybody That was the one he was in That got shot down Yeah Like over time, he's exactly,

exaggerated the danger that he was in, and he has a history of doing it. Yeah. So all of a sudden, it caught up with him. What other things has he exaggerated? He exaggerated something about Katrina. I don't know what it was. I read it actually, Dick. What was it?

I'm putting you on the spot, but I did your research. I read it. He said during Hurricane Katrina that he was staying at some hotel, I think, near the French quarter. It was the Ritz-Carlton. The Ritz-Carlton, that's what it was. And he looked out the window and saw a dead body floating by. Well, his producer, and I think one of his co-anchors or someone, said that they didn't see a dead body float by.

Yeah. The French quarter had almost no flooding. Yeah. So not only was there no dead body floating by, but there was no water. Yeah, and he also said that there were, like, gangs of thugs was the quote, like, roaming around the Ritz Carlton. Yeah. He's always putting himself in danger. He's like Napoleon Dynamite.

Like, he's always bragging about getting in these fights with rival gangs when it's not happening. So he's sensationalized the news a little bit? Look, yes. Yeah, yeah. Okay. So therefore we should just completely diminish his entire career of journalism. These people are all car salesmen selling ads. That's what I'm saying.

These newscasters, yeah, they're slick, they're slick pimp car salesmen selling ads. They're no different to you and me except we do our own research. and they just read a little screen in front of them and a smile and act like they did something for us. Yeah, we're not selling anything, but do check out our bonus episodes. At least we're honest about it. That's what I'm saying.

Yeah, I mean, I don't think they're trying to fool people into thinking that they're not selling advertisements. Although, I guess the association is lost on some people. Well, no, no, I do think they are trying to trick people into thinking there's this veneer of professionalism and journalism, and that's why he got fired, or that's why he got suspended.

You see what I'm saying? It's like when the Dan Rather thing happened. And he got canned or he left or whatever for those fake George W. Bush documents. Which, oh, refresh everyone's memory. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So Dan Rather, 60 Minutes piece saying that brought in some documents, allegedly,

from the National Air Guard, I think, was saying that George W. Bush was an idiot during his service there. I think he said that he didn't serve, right? The documents were false. Yeah. Okay? So Dan Rather's got to take the long walk of shame into the Great Northwest, and he's no longer welcome there.

What, did he do this? Did he put that all together? Like, what? He's a mascot. All these people are just mascots that have nice smiles and nice voices to read you shit that other people put together that toes the line between complete sensationalist garbage

and mundane facts that you can read on the internet all day, every day. Yeah, I don't think so, Dick. I think some of them do important original work in journalism, and they bring an important story that wouldn't otherwise be known to the public, to Americans, to the world, had they not been doing their jobs. So Dan Rather, back in 1987, it's interesting you mentioned Dan Rather. You know the six minutes of silence, the protest that they had on, I believe it was 60 minutes. You know the six minutes of silence?

Nope. Controversy? Well, I believe it was CBS. They wanted to broadcast a tennis match. And the tennis match was going to go a little bit longer into the news broadcast. And Dan Rather had a fit. He said, absolutely not. We are not going to push the news, which is something important, that something people

people need to know for a tennis match. And so as a protest, when they cut, it went back and forth, and I think the last minute CBS backed down and they said, okay, we're going to cut to 60 minutes. Dan Rather, out of protest, didn't appear at the anchor desk for six minutes. There was six minutes of silence. That's what they called it. So later, Dan Rather, he's always been kind of liberally skewed, right? He skews more liberal, and he went to, he was interviewing Vice President Bush before, while he was still a candidate, right? And he asked him, he, he asked him, he him a question about the Iran-Contra affair during a live interview, and Bush

responded saying, Dan, how would you like it if I judged your entire career by those seven minutes when you walked off the set in New York? So Bush actually had a good retort for once in his life, right? He made a good point. No, that was a good point. If you judge, you know, he wouldn't

it wouldn't be fair to judge Dan Rather's entire career based on that one act, right? Yeah. Why is it fair to do that with Brian Williams here? What do you mean? You know, he's made a couple mistakes in his career, but he's only allowed to make zero mistakes. Brian Williams can't make any mistakes. He's been a news anchor for over 32 years. He's won a Peabody Award. He's won an Emmy Award for his coverage of the stock market collapse.

He's the managing editor of NBC Nightly News. He makes a couple mistakes. He tells a couple of fibs. So is that the end of his career? Yeah, because his entire job is just looking like he's honest all the time. His entire job is based on how he looks. Not on doing real work. So he can't make any mistakes. Right. Ever.

Ever. Okay. Oh, you're fucking fired. Because what you bring to this job is absolutely nothing but what you look like, the same as all these other news-casterbating assholes. That's why I hate them. Yeah. Well, Dick, I got a...

I got a dig versus... I got a cool, real quick dig versus dig that just came up. Breaking news, everyone. So a few seconds ago, you said... that these people revered as superhuman as some kind of gods or whatever, right? I think it is superhuman to expect someone to never make a mistake, Dick,

and yet now you're saying he's never supposed to make a mistake and thus should be superhuman, which is it, Dick? No, that's not what I'm saying at all. Then what are you saying? I'm saying that the nature of their job proves what I'm saying,

that they're just a bunch of jokers selling cars. But a lot of these people, a lot of these journalists, Dick, do have long careers where they don't make mistakes. Let me read a few of them. Go ahead. Bob Woodward. He broke the Watergate scandal.

You remember Watergate? Yeah, he's a reporter. He's a journalist. Yeah. He won a Pulter Prize. He was a Yale University graduate. Walter Cronkite. Peabody winner, 50 years of experience.

None of these blemishes on his record. Ernest Hemingway, you remember that guy? He was a journalist. Are you confusing legitimate journalism with the vain, veneered, fake robots that are broadcasting the news? Yeah, I'm not sure Brian Williams is one of these fake robots. He's done some good work. Really?

Yeah. Like what? Well, he got, well, he won the Peabody. I believe he won the Peabody for his coverage of Katrina. Yeah, because he did do some good work. Look, if he exaggerated this thing during the Katrina's, uh, Katrina news report, whatever, fine. You know, also, by the way, this thing in the Iraq war that he's,

that he's saying his helicopter got shot at. Happened like 12 years ago. I don't think it's entirely unreasonable to say that while adrenaline is surging, your memory gets a little bit faded because that's what the purpose of adrenaline is in our bodies evolutionarily. When we experience trauma or when we're experiencing danger, high levels of danger and anxiety, our adrenaline pumps and then we don't remember what happened in those moments. But he was in a helicopter that arrived an hour later. than the one that got hit

an hour later. And I also don't think that you forget being shot at. I don't think you can flate the... I've never been shot at. I don't remember it. You don't remember not getting shot at? No, I don't remember it. Yeah, yeah. I just don't think you mix that up.

I've never been in a helicopter that was not shot down. And then when people say, hey, were you ever in a helicopter shot down? I'm like, oh, yeah. Totally. I don't ever misremember that because I'm not a vain-glorious blowhard

who's on television getting sucking up worship from Middle America to tell them sensationalist horseshit to sell cars and tampons. Yeah, I don't know, man. I don't know.

I think Brian Williams has had a career for 32 years. He's been a correspondent at NBC Nightly News. He was a White House correspondent. He was on MSNBC News. He started out his career in 1982. This guy's been doing this shit forever.

I don't think that that he's completely full of shit. I think that he probably, some amount of what he does, probably he does because he does care about the news. I don't think Brian Williams is one of these shows. He's not a Bill O'Reilly. He's not one of these guys on Fox News. He's not like, what's his name?

Glenn Beck, or what's the other guy, Keith O'Berman? Yeah, Keith O'Berman. Sportscaster? You don't think Brian Williams would just be a sportscaster if he wasn't this, like, revered news figure? Why did we see his smug ass on 30 Rock, then? He just wants more attention. Hey, look at me, I'm all so funny.

Look at me, look at me, look at me. Yeah, that may be a good point. I'll cede you that. All right. I never know. I never know when it's going to be a good point. I just talk. Yeah.

There you go, Dick. First time after 40 episodes, you finally made a good point. Yeah. You know, okay, Brian Williams may be that guy. I don't know. But I think that not all of them are like that. I think some of them are these revered people because they deserve to be. Christian Amunpur on CNN.

You know her? Nope. Not a lot of people do, but they should. She does really good work. She's a milth. Good question. Let's not talk about her body of work. She's on the TV.

That's why you're on the TV, because you're hot. No, she's not. She's not like these Fox News supermodels that they hire. She's won a Peabody, a Polk, a DuPont Columbia Award, Curgeoning Journalism Award, Edward R. Murrow Award, nine honorary degrees, Walter Cronkite Award. She does really good work. She does CNN international stuff.

But these awards, aren't they all shams? No. Like, what's an award? Oh, here we go. What's an award? You brought in the Webby Awards. Yeah. I thought every award is a sham.

They're not. They're simply not. I shot you down during the Webby Award episode, and I'll refresh your memory how I shot you down. I mentioned specifically the Nobel Prize, right? And he said, oh, they do that to gin up publicity. That was your argument. They do.

But they don't, they don't, Dick, because the Nobel Award comes with a prize tag. A million bucks. A million bucks. Yeah. You don't think that if they wanted that publicity, they could simply buy a million dollars worth of advertising or do something else? Maddox, that guy invented dynamite.

There's not enough money in the world to buy off the guilt that Alfred Nobel suffered for that. I think that's accurate. I don't know. I'm not saying, like, I'm sure the comments will prove me wrong on that. But I believe the backstory of that, and I don't have a fucking internet in front of me, so I can't make sure. But I believe he was, he made enormous war machines. He, like, revolutionized war.

Because of dynamite? Yeah, because of what he, his contributions to it. Dynamite also revolutionized coal mining and strip mining and all these practical applications that we use dynamite for. Sure, but guys go crazy and they get older and they go, ah, man, I really, I messed a lot of stuff up. So let me set up this fun that will perpetuate itself through the ages and I'll be immortal like that. That's why I'll set up this stupid award. So my name will live forever. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Look at me, look at me, look at me. Okay, Dick, I want you to assign a probability to the following possibility. All right. What is the probability that Nobel actually believed in creating some good and perpetuating some good in mankind and wanted people to further the arts and sciences and humanities? Would you say it's, I don't know, 10%, 50%? No, I'd give you around 10. 10%?

I think. Yeah. And what's this based on? I don't know, people. I'm like Christian Gray. I have a good understanding of people. Christian Gray, who's that from 50 Shades of Gray? Yeah, the psychopaths from 50 Shades of Gray.

Yeah, people don't do things for altruistic reasons. They do things because it gets them off. Yeah, you are an abusive sexual monger. Hey, speaking of abusive sexual monsters, you want to hear more of Asteroosis bits? I sure do. All right. This is shitstery, taking the pistery out of history. February 21st, 1988, famed televangelist Jimmy Swaggart

is suspended from his ministry for sleeping with a prostitute. But come on, what's the point of being a religious leader if you can't get a little on the side? Jesus hung out with prostitutes, and everybody loves Jesus. Oh, Jesus, you're so great, you've got such great abs. Won't you marry me? I got enough of that. When will society stop persecuting multisputing?

millionaire hypocrite preachers and go after the real criminals. Working girls trying to feed their families. Lock them up! Good points. Yeah, that was satire, but I'm going to choose to take it literally. I can't tell the difference. February 21st, 1855, the newly completed Washington Monument opens, marking the first time America ever made a building that was blatantly just a penis.

All skyscrapers are essentially penises, but we at least dress those up with offices and windows and stuff. The Washington Monument is 100% just a penis. And worse, a very skinny penis. Does not our first president deserve a thick, girthy monument? In this reporter's opinion, you could never satisfy that rather feminine St. Louis Arch with such a monumentally small penis. He's a reporter now. See? He's a reporter.

This is a reporter. I think Assyrios does some very important journalistic work on the show, Dick. Yeah, me too. Yeah. Me too. Yeah, he's not like Brian Williams. And if Assyrios said that told me

that he was in a helicopter that did not get shot down, I would be horrified by his mental state. Yeah, man. I don't know. I would say, I have no idea what you've been doing for your entire life if you're making that up. You know, maybe Brian Williams has this part of him deep down in his psyche where he has this need and compulsion to lie, almost like an old

grandpa who exaggerates his war stories, right? Yeah. Maybe Brian Williams got a little bit that. You know, these people are really interesting, Dick. I was talking to someone recently who was telling me about a friend that she had who's a pathological liar, and she said there's this girl. So everything coming out of this girl's mouth is a lie, and she doesn't know almost anything about this girl, including her name.

Her name comes from a bird, and she's not sure if it's real or made up. She's never seen ID. One of the stories she told her is that one time she was a race car driver and she and her boyfriend were driving and the car went off the cliff and she said that she went down, she climbed out and she went up to the top and she climbed right back down to save her boyfriend and then climbed back down again to save his luggage while the car was She got too greedy. I wouldn't believe the boyfriend but I'm not believing the luggage. Yeah and she said that she was a supermodel and she won millions of dollars in grants for some

research that she did and she worked for some pharmaceutical company. Everything out of this girl's mouth is a lie, but you don't know where the real, where the truth and the fiction begins. And guess what? It works. She gets jobs. She gets attention. She gets invited to things. She's a socialite. But where does the truth end and begin?

I already want to meet her. I know. You know what Dick? What I was telling me about this girl, I said, oh, this sounds like Dick's type of woman. Out of her fucking mind. Oh, she's so crazy, Dick. She's just your type. She should host the news. Coming up next, a bunch of made-up bullshit

with Brian Williams and Dick's girlfriend. Yeah. No, I forgot what I was going to say again. Yeah, man, there's some really good journalists out there. Ed Bradley from 60 Minutes. You won an Emmy, cover the Vietnam War. Dan Rather, you know, Dan Rather, again, like 43 years of experience, man. You want to dismiss its entire body of work

because he made a couple of mistakes. Yeah, journalists can only, look, they have to be right 100% of the time. You know how difficult that is? You know how almost impossible it is? Even doctors who perform heart surgery and brain surgery aren't correct 100% of the time. The president isn't correct 100% of the time. Nobody's correct 100% of the time except for yours truly. You know how difficult that is?

You know the amount of pressure there is? That's why I got these fucking veins in my forehead because my mind's always working. The gears are always turned now. I'm always thinking about counters and rebuttles and arguments. I'm always right. And monkeys. Yeah, monkeys, the biggest problem. Yeah, I don't think Dan Rather did anything wrong.

Because he's just a guy up there reading things people tell him to read. He was a journalist. Not at the end when he's on TV. There's a difference, I'm saying. And that, when you're in that job, when you're sitting there acting like a pretend asshole, being serious all the time, that's what I call news casturbation. That's why I think the Daily Show is a success, because they don't act like that. Even though I don't like it and I don't watch it.

Why don't you like it and why don't you watch it? Because it's too fucking liberal. Oh, is it? You know, people say that about The Daily Show. Look, politically, I'm neither conservative nor liberal. I consider myself not affiliated. I usually vote independent. Yeah.

But I do watch The Daily Show because I feel like the Daily Show does go after the left. Probably not as tenaciously as the right, but they do go after the left. They do call out Obama for his bullshit. They call out Senators, Democrat or Republican for their bullshit. I think John Stewart's a crowsy. clearly liberal. However, just because you're liberal doesn't mean everything you say or do

comes out of that liberal prism, unlike most of the anchors on Fox News. That's why it's difficult to watch Fox News and get any kind of objective response from Fox News. Occasionally a blurb will come out from Fox News where they're criticizing the right, but it's really, really rare. You know what? I'm just thinking about it after saying that.

I don't even know if it's the liberalness of it. I think it's the jokiness of it. Like when I hear about, when I hear anything politics, It can be very upsetting. If you think about it for even a second. Like if you think about what they're doing, if you think about all the money they're wasting

and the lives they're ruining, it's very upsetting. And I want it to be treated viciously. Like, when you're talking about gun fights solving political debates, I legitimately think, I would legitimately like to see that. I would too.

Let's duel it out. Here you go. Here's a bunch of pistols. This pistol fight in Congress is sponsored by the NRA. Here you go. Let's see it. And I think that is in direct.

right opposition to like the piss take and the humor that is the daily show and i i don't know maybe that's why i don't like it i don't know yeah i don't know dick i think that with the daily show some of it is that they laugh so they don't cry yeah uh i would rather smash things so that i don't cry i know but it's such a sad sad state of affairs you know what dick a lot of people say that that i do some important work too uh fuck you why are you laughing that's bullshit yeah no i i i think you do too yeah So, one time I got an email from somebody who said, hey, Maddox, you swear too much. Hey, Maddox, I like what you're saying and I like the message, but the way you deliver it turns off a lot of people.

And my response to them was, first of all, you are so out of your element, you're so out of your league here, you don't even understand what I'm trying to do. Yes, I swear. Yes, I'm crude. I'm crass. I say things that are controversial. But you know what? The way I deliver my news and my material speaks to a certain segment. of the audience and the population that wouldn't be reached otherwise, period.

I deliver some important ideas under this veneer of humor because people need to digest it. You need a little bit of sugar with the medicine. That's why the Daily Show is important. That's why Colbert Report is important. These things are doing, they're doing really important work, but they're delivering it to people who wouldn't be reached otherwise. You think college kids are turning on a fucking, what, the McLaughlin group and watching this boring, dry debate? Of course not. What's our show?

What are we doing, Dick? This is a debate show. Some of the things that we talk about on the show, me more than you, I think, are really important. Well, let's check the Titanic counter for that. Oh, well, well, buddy. See, but we bring in this important debate under the guise of humor, right?

Yeah. That's the sugar with the medicine that we're giving people. I'm not saying it's a problem. I'm just saying I don't watch it. Okay. That's it. Okay. Yeah, but most people do.

That might be like a third dick versus day. I'd have to go back and listen to it again. What? Because I don't enjoy it. I get it. I see what's going on there. I don't do it. I mean, I get tea parties. I like why I'll see why women like dressing up and frilly stuff and going to have a tea party. I don't like it. I don't do it. I don't do it have to do anything. Because that type of humor engages with, what, 80% of kids, 80% in the 18 to 50 demo, the Daily Show, the type of humor you're talking about, the Daily Show, the type of humor you're talking about, the Colbert Report. Engages with a lot of people, doesn't engage with me. Yeah. That's it. All right. Well, different boats for different. Folks. Different boats for different folks, guys.

All right, that's my problem. News casturbation. I don't know if we ever got to the bottom of it, but that's my problem. Yeah, you know, Dick, it sounds like you fucked up. The one more thing I want to do. The News International, you remember that phone hacking shit? Remember when that happened?

Which phone hacking thing? When the news of the world and other British newspapers were caught hacking, like celebrities and police bribing and exercising influence over politicians. You remember that? remember that. Yeah, the now defunct paper? Yeah, it went under. Yeah, that was a, that was a respected news source.

I don't think so. I think they were a yellow journalist organization. Maybe so. Yeah, I think they were like, and people get pissed off, I think, at me, for quoting anything from, I think the telegraph or the Daily Mail, one of the two. It's the Daily Mail because they're a right wing. That's why people get pissed. I promise you

that's why. Yeah, it's not just that, though. I did follow up on some of the links that people were sending me to crazy shit the Daily Mail has published in the past and it's stuff like anti-vaxxer shit and outrageous celebrity scandals. They're one of these types of news organizations that pay hackers to get into the private data

and records of the royal family so they can have these outrageous, sensationalistic headlines and things like that. Yeah. All right, what's your problem? People who love to sleep. Fucking idiots. Tired of it. Just die already. Yeah, and yours was newscaster.

Use casturbation. Use casturbation. Pretty good. Guys, thanks for checking out the live show. Leave some comments on the YouTube channel and subscribe to the YouTube channel. And this is probably the only time I'll ever ask anyone to subscribe. But subscribe if you want to see the regular updates being posted there or irregular, as the case may be. And let us know what you think about the live show.

If this has a good response, you will see more live shows in the future. Oh, cool. I can't wait to see the comments. There's already been some compelling comments about how I live. look like a woman or a cheap version of weird owl. Yeah. I got a comment from the black knightism. He says,

first time I've ever seen Dick, he looks exactly like I'd have predicted, like a shithead. Yeah, that's a good one. Yeah, he predicted you'd look like a shithead. Anyway, guys, thanks again for listening. This is episode number 40. Don't forget to vote at the biggest problem in the universe.com.

More next week. Thanks for listening. Got done listening to the Valentine's Day episode. And if you want to not listen to fucking love songs, turn off the fucking radio. Yeah. God damn moron. Jesus Christ in a football helmet, you're dumb.

All right, this fucking asshole. All right, you get ready for it, dickhead. What? You're not always in control of the radio, are you, asshole? Sometimes you're in the backseat making out with someone. You got to listen to some fucking bullshit-ass love song because you're friends driving? I have friends, idiot.

Why don't you get some? you'll realize the problem of love songs on the radio. I can't always turn it off. You're in the backseat making out with someone? Is that what you tried to say? Maybe a couple of hot babes are making out with my lips. A couple? Yeah.

Oh, boy. I don't have time. My hands are busy. I can't reach up there. I can't reach past the driver. Who am I? Some kind of bozo in the back seat changing the station? I don't know.

Cabs? Limos. Hey, guys. I'm looking here at the biggest problems from last week, and I see black income despair. And I thought that was a pretty good problem. But part of me thinks whenever I vote now is the fact that I want to see Maddox

or listen to Maddox watch Titanic. So Maddox, my suggestion to you is why don't you just watch fucking Titanic already so that way Dick can't use that against you? That's true. Because I feel like there's just my personal opinion that that's affecting how I vote now because I just want you to watch Titanic.

So why don't you just go get that out of the way? Yeah, also dick go fuck yourself. Oh. Yeah. Okay, two things. Two things. First of all, I agree with that comment in that it's created a gimmick for the show. People are changing the way they vote because they want this gimmick to be heard every episode.

And second, okay, I'm going to watch Titanic after this episode. I will watch Titanic and don't worry about it. No more Titanic clips. How about that? You motherfucker. I hate this song. I'm going to end another song. Yeah.

Ended on this big piece of shit. You know, jokes on you, Dickhead. You had to listen to this song to sing this parody of it. You're an asshole. He can go fuck himself. What are you fuck yourself? His problems all suck and he deserves them. You're my problem.

I hope you get cut. These titanic clips And then you can go on and go on and go fuck yourself Does he do the whole song? No, that's it. Piece of shit.