The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 41

Episode Date: May 18, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe. I'm Maddox with me is Dick. Hey, hey, what's up, buddy? And Sean, our audio engineer. Hey. In studio today, Randy, boy, Dick. We have had a week, haven't we? I'm so fucking pissed off right now.

Yeah, so the live episode dropped, and some people didn't like it. Apparently, according to the YouTube comments, right? Dropped like a Led Zeppelin. You know, a couple of people on there were really pissed off at our guest, Whitney Moore that we had on that episode. They said we should never invite her back. That was most of the comments. Yeah, a lot of people were...

Most of the comments was anti-Witney Moore. They said, do not ever have her on the show again. So without further ado, our guest this week, Whitney Moore! It's me, bitches. Welcome back, Whitney. That feminist. Yeah, yeah. You know, these fucking crybaby whiner, pieces of shit.

I would like to fucking fist fight them. What do you want to say about that dick? Or Dax? What, do you want to... First of all, you blew it. You and this guy you got to host this show with you, who is not Dick Masters and you guys really blew it. I want to say right off the top.

You think that's what the problem was? No. What? Do you want me to talk about that? Because I'm pissed about that. These assholes that are just talking, that are shitting all over Whitney for saying that... Sorry? I mean.

Yeah, for shitting all over you for dropping what I thought was an inconsequential sentence of dialogue in your overarching problem, which was nerd culture. The whole argument was that if you... make being a nerd the cornerstone of your personality you're just boring. And I mentioned sexism like an idiot. Well wait a minute. You had a lot of interesting

points that you can see yourself if you go look at the live show. And one of them was that all culture now is beholden to remixing and rehashing nerd culture which is true. Look at how big of a deal was the Avengers

50 year plan? Of those 50 years of comic book movies Who fucking cares? Remember that? I think the point was lost. The point Whitney was making is that if you make it the cornerstone of your identity, you're a boring person.

Right, yeah, yeah. That was the argument. Which is a great, interesting point. And all these fucking cry babies. But now I'm a radical feminist. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For suggesting that there is an abundance of violent threats that happen in this community of gamers,

which is true. Which is true. we not grow up in this culture, you and I'm addicts? You know, I don't know if it's, here's the thing. In defense, I would say this. I don't know if it's an abundance, but I know that the people who do those, do make those threats are very vocal,

and they're the ones who are most likely to comment on YouTube. You don't see moderate people comment on it. Dick, do you comment on YouTube? Whitney, do you? No, no, of course not. But I love YouTube comments because they are so violent and to the point. Like, I love YouTube comments because they let you know exactly where you stand.

I brought in, I brought in, literally two dozen quotes about how stupid my hair looks. That's how much I love YouTube quotes. But then these guys flip it around and they say, oh, well, we're not actually reactionary assholes who will say anything to get a rise out of you. Yes, you are. Well, these people who are commenting are,

but I don't believe that they represent the majority. And that they're in, that's the rub. They're in lies the problem with demonizing the entire group because they do represent a small faction, I think, Like terrorists, right? They're not... The majority of terrorists are Islamic, but the majority of Islam is not terrorists, right?

Well, okay. This is... Yeah, of course that's true. Yeah. You sound like the not all men, Gamergate, dude. I will not say that. I will not say that, hashtag. Violence is part of the culture, I think.

I grew up in this culture. Being a kid with anonymity makes you violent because it's part of human nature. Yeah, but, I mean, really violent? It's part of the culture, it's not the whole culture, it's part of it. All right? Look,

mean girls, the movie exists. We're all violent in our own specific ways. This one happens to be your cross to bear. All right, kids? So suck it up. Sorry that she didn't say everyone is like this. She singled you out. It wasn't a big deal.

Shut the fuck up. Dax, we were talking about before you go, Oh, sorry. I'm talking to. Do it again. That guy is YouTube only. We were talking about how, Mine was the only subject really that personally when after people,

there were no people who were like, hey, I shit in other people's toilets, and I am offended at these generalizations you're making about them. And as one of them, personally, I actually thought that your argument was really good. You know what really pissed me off about that whole live episode? The one quote that people didn't jump down your neck about Whitney is when I said ethnic cleansing was a big problem,

and you said, it's not a big deal. That was, nobody had a problem with that. You fucking idiots. That's what you guys don't have an issue with. You have an issue with all the other horseshit, like this throwaway line that she said, you fucking morons, you fucking mouth breathing piece of shit apes. I would like to fucking punch you in the fucking face.

If you think that that's not a problem. And nobody jumped on your neck about that. No, I said, oh, it's kind of like nerd culture. That too. And I had no actual that trailed off. I had no real thing to say about it. No, of course. We're just like, whatever.

We're getting a rise out of people. To be fair, to be fair, Maddox, you never did make a good. point why ethnic cleansing was bad. Do I have to, Dickhead? Do I have to sit there and explain to you why killing millions of people and putting them in mass graves is bad? Do I really have to hold your hand and drive you through this process of

weeping families and entire civilizations being wiped out? Do I have to make that case clear? Yeah, because otherwise this show is just a list. Yeah, okay. Great, Dick. I was trying to expand on different points of mass of ethnic cleansing that people don't normally think about. Like, yeah, where are you going to park your car?

That was the stupidest point. You're the stupidest point. That was something that people don't consider. Like, in modern days, like, if you were living in a small town in, say, I don't know, Utah, and there was some dictator who came through and just cleansed a whole bunch of people, hundreds of thousands of people, there's going to be graves everywhere. There's not a lot of cleanse in Utah, though. It's pretty much all white people.

Yeah, totally didn't happen? Didn't what you're saying happened? Didn't there used to be some Indians there? There used to be. Yeah, they got cleansed, play parking. I got a voicemail about exactly what you're talking about. You want to hear it? Yeah.

Already voicemail about the live show. Hey, Maddox, if you're so worried about where you're going to park your bike and play the ball of mass graves, why don't you just ride your bike, you're fucking hippie? Point, counterpoint. That is the snotiest voice I've ever heard in my life. He sounds like an old. time you rail, the guy that would tie

a lady to the railroads, stively whiplash. Yeah. I got a comment about, so last episode I talked about sleeping and how much I hate people who love to sleep. This guy's, this comments from Connor, Conivore O'Brien.

He says, Maddox, how the fuck can you think sleeping slash dreaming sucks, but video games are awesome. I love video games, like I love sleeping. Cool fantasy shit happens while I relax and comfort. Go ride a bull, idiot. Oh, yeah. Go write a bull.

All right, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, you're skipping a part of the show. You're skipping the part of the show where we go over whose problem, who brought in the problem that was deemed a bigger problem. Hey, I like that phrasing. A.k.a. the winner, the winner. No, not a winner. Fuck you. And who are you gay? Whoops. That was not the right drop.

Yeah, whatever. Listen, Dick. Okay, so the live episode dropped this morning. This is, it dropped on, it dropped a day or too late, right? It should have dropped the same exact day as episode number 40. That doesn't count. It should have. You're not counting all the same problems together.

Oh, really? Because we are. It's on the website. Yeah, that's right, Dickhead. That's bullshit. Yeah, you're bullshit. I still won. Yeah, you didn't win, nobody wins.

So, um, here's, here's the thing, Dick. If, if after a week, ethnic cleansing, ethnic cleansing is really making the ranks here. It's at 647 votes as of this recording. casturbation is at 1162. If by this time next week, ethnic cleansing is higher and you punish me with some fucking bullshit Titanic clip,

then as your punishment next week for misleading our audience, you have to take a shot of hot sauce. You are... You were supposed to watch it. Yeah, you... You were said, listen to me, listen to me, whoa, everyone slow the fuck down. Maddox is pulling one of his...

Didn't that sound like bullshit to you, Whitney? I was too dazed by his dazzling words. Bamboozled. Yeah, I was bamboozled. Bambuseled, like a slick oil sales, like a slick snake oil sales. I don't need this collusion. I'm my own fucking show.

This is bullshit. Look, this is the problems that come in on the episode, get voted on, that's the show. That's the buzzer. All right? The problems for the live show, that's a different thing. So if the live show is delayed and it comes out a day or two later, but the problem still gets voted higher?

And by the way, Dick, you celebrated on the live show prematurely because you stacked the deck. Your friends were in the audience. Oh, I know what she did. Your friends were in the audience. And anyway, whatever. Okay, listen to me. Listen to me. So, Whitney, what I usually do,

Cosmatics swore that he would never watch Titanic, the movie. What? Yeah, right? It's a great movie. Never seen it. I will not. It's a great movie. You guys are suckers. It's a romantic movie and it's an adventure movie.

It's nice. You idiots. It's nice, right? This guy, for no reason, won't watch it. For lots of reasons. So every time, go ahead. What is one reason? What is one reason?

Because it's a cheap commercialization of love. They're trying to, What? That's every movie. Exactly. And I don't watch any movies like that. I don't watch any movies. I sit in the dark.

Listen, it's a shit movie. You only want to watch true love movies, right? Not cheap commercials. Like porn. It's true love. I watch porn because it's honest. It's two people who are fucking. That's all it is.

You know what? That's what Titanic is. It's selling you this lure, this story. You know, they're selling you, they're hooking you with the lure of sex, right? You go to see this movie. No. Oh, yeah. Kate Winsle.

What do you mean? No. Of course that's what it is. They're hooking you with the lure of sex. I was in the fourth grade when that came out. See, creepy. So all these little girls, you go there with these false expectations. You know, life is never like that.

It's bullshit. It's baloney. You're never going to be standing on a boat and your boyfriend's going to come up behind you. Like, uh, look how romantic this is. Is that why you watch movies is because you hope to one day do the thing that's in the movie? Yeah. Did you watch the Lego movie? No.

Or like Guardians of the Galaxy. One day I'm going to be a raccoon. Guardians of the Galaxy was stupid. There, I said it. What? No, I said it. Fuck everyone. Go ahead.

Rip me up in the comments, assholes. I'm going to bring it in next week as a problem. I'm writing that down right now. No, it was a good movie. I was going to rip it up. I'm going to rip it up. Seeing what James Gunn did with a big budget superhero movie, making it still his sense of humor, dark and clever. It was good.

It was good. Yeah, clever. Except I've seen that movie a billion times. That stupid scene where they were fighting in the... You know, I'm going to talk about it next week. What scene? Okay. Where they're fighting in the gym?

Gail, right? Uh-huh. And there's that, there's that guy in the control tower who's operating all the robots and widgets and all that bullshit. And the guy, the famous five, whatever, the guardians get up there at the very end. And the guy, so the director gets this really tight shot of the guy in the control tower, right? And it's the back of his head and he's working, he's pushing widgets and pressing buttons.

And then you know what's coming. He's going to slowly turn around and then he looks and sees the guy's walking and is like, oh, shit. And that's the part where the audience's like, oh, man, oh, oh, man. Oh my gosh, here it comes. And everyone's awaiting an anticipation. And, of course, cut to a wide shot of them throwing the prisoner guard outside the tower. And I was like, whew!

Like, they fucking accomplished anything. You didn't see that coming a billion miles away? I've seen that scene a billion fucking times in a billion different movies. It's boring. Now I'm just interested in seeing a movie called The Famous Five. So, Maddox, do you like, when someone starts telling a knock-knock joke, do you go like, stop, stop, there's a twist, there's a twist. There's some kind of semantic pun or a wordplay or a twist on this.

I've seen it. Yeah. You know, Dick, I don't tell knock-knock jokes because for that same reason. They're fucking stupid. Okay, anyway, Whitney. So I've been playing Titanic every time I win. In a previous episode, I play 30 seconds of Titanic that this asshole has to watch. That's great.

And he ruins every one of them by talking through them because he knows deep down that it's actually a good movie. It's a shit, man. And he doesn't want to get hooked in and start getting interested. So last week, you said that my antics are screwing up the voting for this show. Yeah, right? Right. Then, to fix that, you said the following. I'm going to play this that you said.

Yeah. And second, okay, I'm going to watch Titanic after this episode. I will watch Titanic and don't worry about it. No more Titanic clips. Yeah. So what is that? Yeah. Okay, I'm going to watch it and then you don't have to play it anymore.

Did you watch it? Yeah, I watched it. Really? Yeah. Really? Uh-huh. Let's quiz you. Okay?

Sorry, let's quiz you. Let's quiz you. All right. What happens to the Titanic? What? Are you serious? It sinks. There we go.

Don't have to play it anymore. Okay. Hold on. I got more questions. Okay. That's true. Uh-huh. Who directed it?

James Cameron. Shit. Yeah. Get fucked. Maybe you did see it. By the way, Whitney, you love Titanic so much? Why? You think he's such a brilliant director?

You think it's such a good movie? Why don't you look up the alternate ending to Titanic, the one that they didn't use because they decided that they went with this other one? That shows you the ingenuity of James Cameron. He's a piece of shit. He made this stupid, sappy, dumb-ass ending that was so dumb. It's dumber than all three original star, all three prequel Star Wars combined. It's the dumbest thing I've ever seen. That's the, that's the brilliance.

That's the mind that it's coming from. No, it's fucking rad. It's hilarious because it's such a dated movie. If you see it now, you can have. appreciated to be like oh this was huge back then Does he float to safety on Kate Winslet? Can I spoil it? I've seen it.

Okay, the woman at the end who drops the stone into the ocean, she keeps it, she's like, I'm not going to give it to you. And then what happens they like fight her? Yeah, she comes up and she has like this little jewel that she's holding, right? The fucking magic jewel. I don't know what the backstory is. I mean, I do it because I've seen it.

Uh-oh. Oh, oh. Wait a minute. You haven't seen it, have you? No, I've seen it. I've seen it. Don't worry about it, buddy. I've seen it.

Okay, let me ask you another question. Go ahead. Yes. Did you like the scene when they had sex in the car? There was no scene with sex in the car. Oh, yeah, I can't, but that was a yes or no answer, Maddox. There was definitely a scene where they have sex in a car. There was not. You guys are not.

There was a trick? No, there was definitely a scene. You know what? I must have gotten up. to get popcorn because it was so entertaining. They're doing that part. You know what? That doesn't count. All right. Let's move on. No, no, no, no, no. You're fucking watching the movie.

Fuck you. If you, if the boats change by next week, you're drinking a shot of hot sauce, buddy. I'm not doing shit. You said you would watch it. I did. Look, I'm not watching it. Winnie, would you like to watch Titanic? Yeah, I love this movie. So.

One of you two idiots go on a date. So right now... Yeah, Brock, launching Duncan now. Right now, it was just discovered that that documentary they were doing is kind of a sham. You're a sham. What else would they be doing 20,000 leagues under the sea? I don't know. I liked Titanic just because it's super creepy going that far into the sea.

It's like, I don't know, that always really scares me. Super creepy and a little erotic. Yeah, it's like equal parts creepy and erratic. That's what people are saying about me. Maddox, look. It's a little guy like an Autobot. I'm looking at the ceiling. Cool.

I just looked at the lights and now I have spots on my eyes. Poor loser. Whatever. Do you want to do you want to do problems or do we have time to... No, no, no. I got some comments. We're all going to read some of these live comments from the episode. Okay. This one's from Blan Blasbo.

He says, and these are all YouTube comments, by the way, I got so many. He says, well, that was disappointing. Was Maddox contractually obligated to be a fucking tool in this live show? I read that one. Yeah. Were you? Yeah. I'm sure he was really asking.

That's not a rhetorical question. Are you calling me a fucking tool? Blan Blasbo. Way to use rhetorical questions as a device. to make your insult, you shit. Funny. You fuck. And then he said,

why was there no debating? Why was it only 14 minutes long? You know what, Blasbo? I'll tell you why it was only 14 minutes long. Because of you. Because of all of you. Because of this YouTube, this fickle YouTube generation,

you guys could only have an attention span of three fucking minutes. I made an original cut of this that was 25 minutes long, and I sent it out to a test audience. And the test audience felt, yeah, it was a little bit long. Maybe it's not the audience

that listens to the podcast. However, still, it's the fickle YouTube audience and you know what don't lie to me don't say well don't you put out the long conversion i'll watch it no you won't because i can look at the metrics of every video that i post and i can see your retention rate and guess what right around three minutes it drops off all you fucking toolbags and also you know what we we ultimately reserve complete editorial rights and control over this content we produced the best possible episode i think that we delivered in 14 minutes it's a tight 14 minutes

Fuck you. How about that? Yeah, you know, I'll tell you, people have been asking me like my honest opinion of it, and I thought there were funny problems. I thought the jokes were good, and I thought the idea of having a talk show where the guest, someone like Whitney Moore,

who's a star of Berdemic, right? And Bordemic too. Yeah. I thought the idea of having a guest bring in a problem was interesting, because usually guests just come in and talk about what they're doing. They never have to risk getting torn apart by 10,000 guys in a single day by bringing in the wrong problem.

I got a comment from Skidzy. He said, what the fuck's with the laugh track? Guess what, Skidzy, there was no laugh track. I was wondering that, too. There was no laugh track. That was a live studio audience. Then I got another one. This one's from Kingley Minotar.

He said, I really did enjoy this form of the series. I understand why it has to be shorter, but I would like to see. more interaction between the guests and the hosts. More of an in-depth debate. I understand if that's not feasible with the format, though. Very, like, sensible comment. That's, like, one of the few sensible comments I read on here. So sweet and reasonable and not like YouTube.

Yeah. Was that off our site or was that off YouTube? YouTube. I got one from Fuck Rumpus. He says, Biggest problem, self-righteous internet celebrities. Fuck your shitty show, Maddox. Go back to podcasts.

You know what's interesting is... Go back to podcasts. When I started the best show in the universe, people said, fuck your shitty show, go back to writing. And now that I started the podcast, we're like, fuck your shitty podcast, go back to the best show. And now we've come full circle. And they're saying, go back to the podcast. You know what, go fuck yourself.

I love it. It's just a culture of violence. Okay. Dick. Fucking. I got another one from Running 05. He says, I love your insane outfits. Also, do more live shows.

This is great. I had a couple, actually. Another one from Hittori Majeri. He says, oh my gosh, this was brilliant. And then I have... It looks like you have some... Yeah, I got some comments. I got one from Mysterio's Coconauts.

He did some writing in the show. He says, if you're wondering how many words into the comments you have to read to find the N-word, it's three. Yep. I saw that. It was one of the first comments. It was the N-word. It was all sorts of...

I've got... I'm going to skip ahead. I've got about two pages of how I'm ugly. Fred Cetius. has a face for radio and Dick has hair like my aunt Fanny. Not sure if it's a wig or just a very poor life choice. Holy shit, that's what Dick looks like. No wonder he's an alcoholic.

It's pretty good. Dick looks like a time traveler from the 80s, Adrian Kade. What the fuck is wrong with your hair? Hoping it's just a shitty wig. I Deffy 7. Dick Masterson's hair looks like pubes. Yeah. It's pretty good.

Trust me, guys. I've had this conversation with Dick and realize. I've asked, like, imploring him to do something about that. I don't know. Yeah. So I'm starting to find, like, twist ties and Bobby Pins in my own... Con. Yeah.

I don't use Bobby Pins to hurt your hair. Dick looks like a Disney Princess. That's got to be a compliment. That's nice. Yeah, that's very sweet. Disney Princes are hot. Roger Levy. Holy shit, I never knew Dick's face was so punchable. No.

No, hey, Dick, I actually like you. Countered a popular opinion. Okay. You just have a punchable face. It's true. It's true. You do have one of the most punchable faces I've seen. Yeah.

I got one from Starved Watcher. He says, rest in peace, all the people who got killed and raped by nerds. Whitney, I believe that was a point. That was a comment to your point. How many people would you say each week die by nerds? 7200. Die by nerds. That's a lot.

That's like more than a thousand a day. I don't know, man. I insinuated that maybe you get death threats, which was a thing in the news. But, man, YouTube didn't like it. Oh, sure. It's a real thing. Yeah. I get that threats.

Yeah, me too. Yeah. The best part is that how defensive everyone got over it means that there's some truth to it at least because they're like, no, no, we didn't do any of that. No, we're not like that. And it's like, yeah, you wouldn't be getting that mad if you weren't shitty. You might say anger is the weather vein of truth. Oh, my gosh, dick.

That's the first line of my book. Oh, Jesus. What? That's just saying. All right. If you wouldn't get bad, they wouldn't get bad. They wouldn't get bent out of shape if what you're saying wasn't kind of true, right? I didn't get it.

Anger is the weather vane. That's very poetic. Thanks. It was actually Jeremy Ruby Strauss. I know. There it is. Mine was, my version was like a paragraph long.

It was embarrassing. All right. I got a couple more comments. This one's from Game Grumps. I think it's a playoff of Game Grumps. It's not Game Grumps. No. But it's Game Grumps.

He says, more like the biggest weight in the universe. Good one. Game Grumps. Real clever. And then I have a couple. I just want to end on these two comments. This one's from, Manior M4N-1-10-R whatever fuck off

He says not interesting at all, bye And then I just want to end on this one here It's from Srach, S-R-A-C-C He says, well, I think it's time for me to unsubscribe Sorach, I couldn't agree more So long farewell, I'll be just a good night See you later, fuck face Your face, you piece of shit

You know, we don't need you I don't give a fuck if you like or don't like the show. Go ahead and unsubscribe. Go ahead and delete it. I don't give a shit because you're not paying us to do this. The only people who are the people who buy the bonus episodes, and that's about it. If these were people who bought the bonus episodes and they were bitching this much,

maybe I'd give a shit. But you're listening to free entertainment. Fuck off. There were people who threatened to unsubscribe to me. And I was like, I don't have a YouTube. I don't have like a career in YouTube. What are you talking about? I love how people bitch about something they're getting for free

because it doesn't match what they've conjured up in their minds for what the show should be. Yeah. Maybe that's on us. Maybe we should have said specifically what the show is going to be. Like it's going to be 15 minutes long. It's going to be a talk show format. Right.

And this is what we think it should be. Right. It's different dipshits. Look, it's a visual medium. And we're going to produce a different show for a visual medium. You want to just see us recording the podcast. Great. You're just going to look at three dickheads talking for an hour.

Is that what you want? I'm not one of the. of those. No, that's him. Okay. I was like, I'm a nice lady. Yeah.

You are. You are a beautiful ladies. Wow. Oh, here we go. Here we go. Why don't you guys go on your shitty Titanic date already?

Whatever. Okay, I'm done. What's your boy? Let's get to the problem. Shall we? We got all these voicemails and they're all wasted now. No, let's hear some

voicemails. Yeah. All right. This is about the, well, I'll just play it. Good evening, Maddox and Dick. It's Brian Williams. Maddox I just wanted to call

and say thank you for defending me. It occurred to me as I was wrestling a bear with my bare hands today. Often journalists are held to too high of a standard. So thank you again, Maddox, for coming to my aid. And now if you'll excuse me, I have to walk to the moon. Please tell me you're following that up with Bono. No, no, no, I didn't get any Bono this week.

Let's see. Here's one about the beds. You know what I really love about this show? Okay. Is that one episode, they advertise beds. Casper beds. They have a bed in a box. They send it to you.

Casper.com slash biggest. Next week, they saw, Maddox likes to throw out. Oh, fucking sleeping is for idiots. Fuck you. You can sleep. Wow. Way to go, Maddo. You are a sneaky, sneaky little.

prick you. Your veins are popping right out of your skull right now. They are. They are. They are. Don't go fuck yourself. I mean, you can use your mattress for other things besides sleeping. Emma, right,

deck? Okay. Here we go. I'm going to throw up fucking everything. I'm going to throw up all over the microphone. You're like watching Titanic and Dad. Yeah. What did you think we were talking about? My TV in the family room is broken, so we've got to go around the bell to watch it. It's an amazing mattress. No joke. I've had some

the most restful sleep I've ever had in my life. But I don't sleep too much, idiots, and I don't love it. It's fine. I like sleeping the normal amount. I got one more comment. I know that we got so many comments. This one's from Steve and Hanner. He sent it through email.

He says, wouldn't it be funny if you kept hyping up the live episode but never actually posted it? Imagine how many sad fans with blue balls you can disappoint. I bet their tears could lubricate your dick for years. Speaking of Dicks, I wish Dick's great grandmother died on the Titanic, so everyone wouldn't have to be subject to Titanic now. Oh. Damn.

Well, why don't you just watch the movie? I already did, Dick. I'm not going to watch it twice. No, you didn't. You obviously didn't. No, no, I watched it. You obviously didn't. You didn't remember the most important scene.

Yeah. I did. It's the painting scene. I remember that. It's a drawing scene, shithead. Not a painting scene. You know, painting drawing? It's in the same.

It's on a spectrum. Yeah. Sounds on the spectrum all right. All right. these, I don't want to do these voicemails anymore. You ready for the problems? Let's hear it. My first problem is hay fever.

Hay fever. Yeah. What is, is that like allergies? Yeah, I guess that's one way to put it. Yes, it is called allergic rhinitis, often called hay fever. It's a common condition that causes symptoms such as sneezing, stuffy nose, running nose, watery eyes, and itching of the nose, eyes in the roof of the mouth. plus you sound like a stupid sick asshole for a week.

Yeah. And there's nothing you can do about it. You're not even sick. You could just have better genes, I guess. Yeah, I've never had that problem. Yeah. Well, I've never had it either until this year. You have a hay fever?

So all of the sudden, I'm allergic to pollen. Do you have it right now? I think so. I think I've had it all year. I don't think it's the hangovers either. It could be Titanic. It's making you bigger pussy. No, no, no, no, no.

This is a big problem. It affects, let me see. In the last 12 months, 17.5 million people have been diagnosed with hay fever. Dude, it's horrible. It's like feeling sick every day. And there's nothing you can do about it. Claritin. It doesn't...

Yeah. Claritin costs 30 bucks. Yeah. Well, it's a thing you can do about it. I'm not going to sit here and listen to two people who don't ever get hay fever. Tell me that I can fix it with some Claritin D. It doesn't just go away. It's off.

I'm looking for a wah sound effect. I can't find it. Caused by grass. It's a type of allergy that happens when your body makes antibodies in response to certain triggers. That's my problem, man. Yeah. Look, it affects between 10 and 30% of people on earth. Yeah, you know, I actually have a way of finding out who has hay fever. You just follow the trail of tears to the pharmacy.

They're always crying about their fucking allergies. Allergy, allergy, allergy. Hey, I don't know, man. I mean, if you got allergies so bad, first of all, eat the local honey. That helps with it. I think it helps build up your body's immunity to whatever the local pollen is or whatever the allergies. Sorry, what? Eat the local honey?

Yeah, it's a thing. Because you're eating the pollen, and so you're developing an immunity. That's bee pollen. I mean. But that's the pollen that's making you allergic. How do both of you guys think this same wrong thing? It's a wrong thing. Eating bee pollen.

Pretty sure, yeah. Does not make you immune to grass pollen. No, it's supposed to help with the symptoms. Yeah, they've done studies. Recent studies have come out that people who have allergies to certain things, especially from early childhood, if they are exposed to it in small amounts and small doses, over time they build a tolerance to it, just like I did with hot sauce. And alcohol.

Yeah, an alcohol, dick. Ding, ding, ding, there we go. Alcohol goes in reverse. The more you drink, the less tolerant you are. Oh, that's true. You're right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it's the only drug that works in reverse like that.

Sorry, you're telling me what alcohol does to you? Yeah, because I've seen you, Dick. You drink like a fucking fish, and I never see you drunk. Like, I can barely tell between you drunk and sober. Maybe that's because you're always drunk. Could be. Could be. But same thing with coffee.

Coffee's like that. You drink too much caffeine and it loses efficacy. I don't know what the only two people here who aren't affected by hay fever know this. It should be like, you should know this if you're trying to get after your cake. You guys should just check your privilege, all right? Oh, no. I don't need to be told about, I'm not like Winnie the fucking poo. be eating honey out of big ceramic jars to get a hayf-what, you think all of us hay fever sufferers

just need to eat more honey? Yeah. Yeah, it could help. There was this movement a while back where people were eating all sorts of exotic honeies and stuff, and I'm not sure if it was a movement so much as a food trend. And then people were getting sick from it. And it's like, of course, guys, you're importing pollen and different allergens from a different place, a different region, and you're making yourself sick if you have allergies to it. Look, man, I don't know. I don't I don't know. If you got allergies to a thing and it's bad enough, fucking move to another state. What can I say? A state that has no grass. That's where this shit comes from. Grass. Move to Utah. It's a fucking desert.

All right. Missing work. I would fire someone if they were like, my allergies. You fucking too. You know what? Those guys on YouTube are right. Oh, my word. No sympathy at all. No sympathy at all for us, poor hay fever. I put some buckshot right in their ass. Guess who never gets hay fever. Women. Is that true?

I don't know. No, that's not true. On the plus side, I don't think Maddox is going to have to listen to Titanic next week. Shut the fuck. It's the fifth leading cause of chronic major cause of work absenteeism and presenteism. I don't know what that is. Fifth major cause? Yeah, resulting in nearly four million missed or lost work days every year,

resulting in a total cost of more than $700 million a year. Why are they getting hay fever if they're working in an office, though? Because it's pollen, it's everywhere. It's all over. Why don't you just fucking wear a face mask and fuck off already? Like if it's bothering you so much, I see people in Japan and China always wearing face masks. They look like fucking ninjas walking around everywhere. Why don't you just wear a face mask and call it a day?

That doesn't work. How do you know? Have you ever done it? No, because pollen is little. It's on everything. It's everywhere. You wear a gas mask. You breathe it through the mask.

Wear a gas mask. Like a fucking raveer. Wear a hazmat suit. That's the solution. Well, if it's a big enough. problem, Dick. Are you saying it's a problem or not? If it's a problem, you should wear a hazmat suit. Medical cost. Total medical cost of this? $3.4 billion, mostly due to the cost of prescription medications like Claritin D. Yeah. By the way, you know how nefarious Claritin is,

that pharmaceutical company, the markets Clarendon. They now sell Clareton brand pillows. Did you know this? Yeah. Go to bedbath and beyond. They have Claritin brand pillows, comforters, bedsheets, and it's all, like, it's so fucking weird and abstract and bizarre that I'm seeing these pharmaceutical companies now marketing like household houseware like house products. They're they're supposed to like defer dander or something? Well you know that's what they're trying to do

Whitney is they're trying to associate it with what's the hypoallergenic? They're trying to associate with the term hypoallergenic so they make supposedly hypoallergenic pillows and things but guess what? That already existed. So Clareton is trying to become the Nike

of bedware. I had a friend whose dog was hypoallergenic and I hated it, so. The dog or the friend? The dog. Why? What was wrong with the dog? She was a dog. It's not like a cool dog. It was like an ankle biter. Sometimes dogs suck. Dick's an ankle butter.

You sure it wasn't biting it? That fucking guy. Never mind. Yeah, so what else you got, Dick? Look, this is how bad it is. Yeah. 12 million British people suffer from hay fever, right? So there's a wonder cure you can get. You go to the show up,

to the NHS, the public hospital, and they'll jab you with like an anti-allergen that suppresses your immune system. So many people hate their hay fever so much that even though the NHS took this injection off of the safe injections list because it weakens your body, it weakens your immune system, they're going to get it privately

to escape their awful hay fever. Well, does it help or not? Why is it, why was it banned? Because it weakens your immune system. Makes you vulnerable to other illnesses. Well, that's curious, because if it weakens your immune system and supposedly the symptoms of hay fever are what,

like runny nose, sore throat fever, that sort of thing, right? Yeah, yeah. So how can you tell if it's working if it weakens your immune system and you may be suffering the symptoms of something else that you didn't previously have? Yeah, it would be impossible, but it's the overreaction of your immune system

that causes the hay fever, the symptoms of a fever. Well, if there's a cure, I don't really see you why there's a problem. The weakening your immune system part? Did you hear that point? I mean, just regular ass, life does that. Yeah, I have an article here, Dick. It's from the Telegraph, and the title is,

Honey, the sweetest cure for hay fever. Well, well, well. And it says as... Honey, really? Yeah, it says, as the pollen count rises, try honey as a natural weapon against hay fever. If you just slowly eat more and more honey and introduce more of these allergens to your body,

you'll slowly build a tolerance to it. In small enough amounts. Well, I guess me and 30% of the world They're too stupid to know that we should be guzzling honey down Like it's a sports drink Thanks for the tip, Maddick. Maybe I am a fucking idiot Oh yeah, I'm a fucking idiot right now

I'm an idiot, I sound like an idiot You know how hard it is talking to a woman in bed When your voice is all fucked up with hay fever? No You sound like an idiot. Yeah Big problem, I guess, Dick. Yeah.

But if she's already in bed, what does it matter? Yeah, if she's already willing to bed you She probably doesn't care about your stupid cold Or whatever it is. Yeah. Because I like the whole, show. I like to, you know, the whole performance. I like to be in there talking.

What, Sean? He already got her past the sheets. The chilly sheets. I don't just want to slam it in and then that's done. I don't want to be so mechanical about it. I want to keep the romance going. You know, a guy who talks like that is romantic. Whitney, what's your problem this week? My problem is

people who are recently enlightened. Okay. This is interesting. What do you mean by that? By that, I mean, you're a person who was read, I don't know, an Alan Watts book or got high and watched Cosmos or maybe took psychedelics. And you had a massive personal breakthrough, which let me clarify, is awesome for you because I feel like self-work is necessary. And, you know, it's, if you want to be a whole person, sure, go crazy and, like, explore yourself in your mind and the universe, whatever. The problem is when they invade your Facebook posts and your Twitter and your party conversations as some sort of like social media Jehovah's Witness being like, have you discovered the universe?

And it's a problem and it's toxic because first of all, you're doing a disservice to yourself. Because if you really had that sort of amazing emotional breakthrough, whether it was arrived at, you know, however, then you're doing a disservice by posting it on the wall and reducing it to some sort of like Facebook fuckery platitude. You know what I mean? Facebook fuckery platitude. Yes. I know exactly what you mean, Whitney.

You can't force someone to have that sort of deeply emotional experience. You can't force someone to arrive at that. They have to discover it themselves. Well, what more, isn't there something insincere about it too? Super insincere, yes. Because they're not, they're just, it's almost like bragging. That's what they want to do. They want to brag.

It's like people who say they're into sapiosexuals. Oh, God. They're not into people. They can't be attracted to intelligence because you can't fuck an IQ. What they're trying to say is, hey, look at me. I'm so smart. Oh, I'm only attracted to smart people because I'm smart and I only want to fuck for smart people. But guess what?

If somebody's smart, they're probably smarter than you and they don't want to fuck you because they're not calling themselves sapio-sexuals. They know you're an idiot. It's like acting like I'm more evolved human. And so it goes, it's even more sinister than being like, I'm smart, I'm intelligent. It's like, oh no, I'm on another level. I'm more connected than you. I'm so much more in touch with myself and with nature and the universe.

It's like, don't fucking come at me with your bullshit, like, leftover drug trip, like, sub-intellectual. Or people who just discovered Nietzsche. Oh, my God, the worst. The worst people. You guys are so much better than everybody. else on Facebook. Listen. Oh, yeah.

So what should anybody talk about then? Gardens of the Galaxy. There you go. Titanic. Okay, you lost me, Whitney. You're on your own. You're walking the plank. Again, I think it's fine.

Like, whatever. You did psychedelics. That's really cool. You had like a time where you discovered yourself. And that's fine. But that's not something that will be immediately relatable

if you try to post about it on Facebook or like you read a really rad psychology book something. It's like you can't be a warrior for that kind of thing. You can't have people arrive at that because it's pointless and it makes you sound like a fucking idiot. Yeah, you know, I'm thinking, I want you guys listening right now and you guys in this room to think back of somebody smart that you've met in life. And have they ever bragged about how smart they are or any of the books they've read? No. Of course not. You do it all the time. You brag about how

smart you are all the fucking time. And problems like this where you talk about how stupid and petty everyone else is for posting their little accomplishments on Facebook is another version of you bragging about how smart you are. Look, look, Dick, I'm an authority, okay? I'm a leader. People look up to me. I'm a thought leader.

And that's what people look at me towards. Christ. Yeah. What did you say earlier? Anger is the weather vein of truth. That's right. That's what I am, baby. I'm the weather vein.

Yeah. Anyway. What do you post on Facebook then? I want to know what I should be posting to not come across as an asshole. What you post on your own time, on your own page is none of my business. But I just think that people who are recently enlightened, who have had that sort of breakthrough recently, they're the worst givers of unsolicited advice.

And they're always like, do you even know? Do you know what your mind could be doing? Did you know that we are made of dead stars? That's true. I hate that the same airs. It's condescending. Everybody fucking knows. Everybody knows we all got high and watched Cosmos.

It's fine. Fuck off. We all know, idiot. You're not enlightening anyone. You're not giving us a lecture at this party. No. Everyone's just trying to eat cold, shitty pizza and drink the shitty beer and go home alone. Exactly.

Just leave me alone, man. Let me just sulk in this corner. Yeah. It's the people who are like obsessed with science. too. I have this article from... No, like pop, pop astrology. Yeah, pop astrology. Exactly. There's this article on this website. It's called

Boring as Heck.com. And one of my fans linked this to me. The title's called Science for the epic mother freaking win. I just want to read the first paragraph. I fucking love science. Science for the motherfucking epic win.

Don't know if you've seen the t-shirt I've been sharing on Facebook, but it has a lot of stuff about science and how fucking epically mother-bitching sick it is. It's cool to talk about science using swear words. The swear words make the science better. I just want to read this part, too. Was this written in earnest?

No, no, this is all that's hard, yeah. You see what Takai posted the other day? Yeah, the funny picture with a big words written all over the picture, epic much? The man knows his internet. He's practically made of Wynn. His poster basically just a big order of win with a side of fucking epic bacon and a bunch of fucking Sra Racha sauce poured on top. Shit, yes, science.

that made me want to punch a baby. Yeah. And you know what's funny is the fact that you guys had to ask if that was satire makes that much more relevant because we know people like this. It's the actual worst. I mean, people, it could be a whole other topic talking about people who talk in internet slang. That's like the actual worst ever. But it's just, again, you can't force someone that's sort of like very huge personal breakthrough.

You can't say, here's how to think like that. It's like you have to arrive on that on your own, and you sound like an idiot. It sounds like parceled down blather, like just babble shit if you talk about it on Facebook. Yeah. Why? Why can't you walk people into these enlightening personal revelations? You know, it doesn't work on you.

It clearly annoys you. I want to say, I get it. I get it. I get like, you know, reading Carl Sagan or whatever. makes you really excited, makes you want to share that excitement with the world, and I totally get it. But that's not the kind of thing that other people you can just get by having a conversation with someone. You have to take some time and do internal work and figure it out.

Don't you get that it's condescending, Dick? If I came to you and was trying to teach you something. I don't think that it's condescending. I think that you read that into it that it's condescending. For the most part, I think people are just proud of these stupid revelations that they have. revelations. There's a, I think there's a middle ground where it comes across as condescending but the people, you know,

most of the time they just want to share something cool that they found, which is fine but they sound like a fucking idiot. It's like a four-year-old. If a four-year-old comes up to me again, guess what? I learned that alligators have 20 teeth. I'm like, I know, idiot. I don't give a shit. No, it's exciting for you because you just learned it but guess what? I'm an adult. I have life experience.

I already read that. It's condescending is not that it's like general excitement. It's that they know something you don't. They know, Oh, they know. You know, you guys, you would really do well by reading a book called Sid Harthow. It really teach you to chill the fuck out about and not get upset about things you read on Facebook. It's not things that you're, it's not like it's incendiary or anything like maddening.

Sid Hartha talks about that dick, how not to get incensed the things you read on Facebook. Yeah, man, it's all about not, it's a very, very Buddhist, very Zen Buddhist. It's all about not engaging with the things in life that upset you. I feel a dick versus dick coming on. To an end next episode again. What did I save? I'm going to save it for next episode. That's the exact moment I realized there was a dick versus dick.

Anyway, yeah, Whitney, good problem. I like that problem. Hey, thanks. Oh, I bet you do. What? Why? Because you like raging over Facebook. Oh, I like...

Yo, it's not just Facebook. I have had people who come up to me at parties being like, hey, I... Who was the last one? I have this. Who? Who? No, no, no, same names. What do they say?

What do they want to share with you? It's all, it all comes off as just babble. That's the thing. It's just like, hey, you need to open your soul and free your mind. Like, it doesn't make any sense. And that's the thing. It's like, it makes sense to you because you did drugs or because you, like, read some astrophysics

that, like, is popular on Reddit or something. And it doesn't make sense just talking about it fluidly. Or, you know, people who talk about, I don't know, metaphysics or new age new age type stuff essentially they're proselytizing their beliefs, their religion to you

if a Christian did that everyone would tell them to shut the fuck up and go home if a Jew did that same thing. Muslims, you bet your ass but we're supposed to just sit around and tolerate this new age bullshit

because they watch an episode of Cosmo. Yep. Or is it Cosmos? It's a good show. I mean, like it's fine. Yeah, sure. It's pop science. You know, if you guys actually want to learn science

you have to pick up a book. You can't just look at pretty pictures on Facebook and on TV. Are you disputing that, Dick? You gave me an eyebrow. I don't know what that means. No, I just don't know why you're so upset. It annoys me when people who've just done drugs

come up to me and tell me how it opened their mind. But I don't think it's as bad as 30% of the world having cold and flu-like symptoms for seven days at a time and costing America 700 million in job losses. I feel like maybe they're just a weaker species. Yeah. Like, maybe. That's Darwinism.

Maybe they're going to peter out, yeah. Oh, shit, I don't know. And also hopefully the people who are enlightened. Maybe they all need to be cleansed. Oh, no. All right, anything else, Whitney? Should we get to the real biggest problem of the week? Yeah, I'm good.

Yeah. All right. Bathroom attendance. Huh? Yeah, there's a real problem. There you all. Thank you, Maddox. Oh, and a ding as well.

Thank you. But they're there to help you. Oh, help you. They're there to help themselves, my friend. Listen to this. It sounds like you ripped off my rose peddling problem. Rose peddling problem, huh? Yeah.

No, because we talked a little bit about it, about bathroom attendants. But, no, it's different, Dick, because rose peddlers come to you, whereas you can't avoid the bathroom attendant if you go into the bathroom. How are you going to avoid rose peddlers? Pick up your table and walk around the restaurant

so they can't track you down, like Batman? Dick, how about you just turn to them and say no? You just turn to them and say no, you just fucking plissy? Turn to these guys and say no. You don't have to look in the eyes. You can just walk out. No, I'll tell you why.

Because a lot of times what they do is, you know, Whitney was telling me before the show that she's not familiar with a lot of bathroom attendants in female restaurants. I have never been in a restaurant. Oh, really? A lady's restroom that has a female attendants. Oh, it happens a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it happens. I've seen it.

I've seen it in a few strip clubs and high-end restaurants. And I don't know why. Yeah, in the ladies' room. Why are you going in the ladies' room? Because the door is open. I look in there because I'm curious. I'm a curious man. And there's a woman attendant in the woman.

Women's room at a strip? Was this a male strip club? Yeah. Like men were stripping. Men were, no, no, females were stripping. But there was a woman attendant in the woman's room. I saw, there was one time I went to a concert, and there was a woman in there who wasn't, who was clearly not hired by the hotel. But she was there, like, selling hair ties and, like, hairspray and perfume.

Is that what it is? That's what it is. That's the bathroom attendant. And they're not there to help you. They're there to get tips. and harass you. And here's the thing. Here's what pissed me off.

I thought a bathroom attend, like, handed you warm towels. Yeah, that's what they're supposed to do in a really nice high-end hotel and you don't tip them. Well, they expect tip. Here's the problem. Okay, let me get to the problem of this. All right, right. So, look, you walk into the bathroom, and what they'll do a lot of times, they'll take all the paper towels out of the dispenser and then hoard them behind the counter

so that the only way to them is through them, right? Yeah, that's true. So let's say, Whitney, let's live in this magical fantasy world you've created for us, where these altruistic bathroom attendants are there just to help you. Oh, here's some towels. Okay, so here's what happens. They hand you a paper towel. They hand you a mint maybe, maybe a toothpick.

They help you out. Hey, here you go, buddy. Then what are you supposed to do? Reach into your diseased bacteria-filled pocket to pull out a diseased bacteria-filled bill and hand it to them. So your clean hands that you just washed have touched dollar bills that have been floating around with people who may have allergies, who may have the flu, who may fucking have measles because of fucking anti-vaxers. Go forward it up, people.

It's the biggest problem in the universe. But you touch these bills right after you've washed your hand because you have to tip this jerk off. I mean, technically, we all have the same bacteria that the dinosaurs had. Have you tried to... You got a good point about the bills being gross.

I have never had an experience of this before in my life. I didn't know it was a thing. You should go to a strip club, yeah, you need to go to classier joints with you. I need to go to that one specific strip club. Whitney, I have a picture here from the internet. This is actually a picture from a female bathroom attendant, a woman's bathroom with a female attendant. Here are the things you can buy in here.

These are all things that they can just sell you in little portions that they meet out at you for a few dimes and nickels. Hair spray, lotion, hairbrushes, mouthwash, nail polish, bobby pins, mints, flip flops, toothpaste, bandades, and dumb-dums. Why is that a problem, though? Honestly, I feel like that's just lucrative businessmanship, because if I were to go into a club super drunk and be like, I got to pee, oh shit, this girl has got lip gloss. I'm going to buy some.

Like, why would I not? Speaking of being super drunk, man, there was a bathroom attendant at the Spearmint Rino in Vegas that would sell you whiskey out of the bathroom. That's fucking awesome. Yeah. Well, that's cool. I've never seen that before.

But he's probably doing that. Look, who knows what he put in that whiskey? There was somebody in the bathroom. What do you mean? Just like for lulls? Why would you spike whiskey with? Water? He may have watered it down.

There was a guy in Vegas recently who got caught. He was trying to sell his moonshine, his moonshine whiskey on the streets. Guess what it was filled with when people bought it. His own piss and shit. He just put it in there to color it and people smell it. They almost vomited. The guy got arrested because... Why would you buy brown stee?

stinky moonshine. Moonshine's supposed to be clear and just clear. Well, he told them it was whiskey. That's why. Well, I didn't buy mine. It didn't come in a plastic bag. Okay?

It came in a real bottle that was sealed. Hey, where did you get that whiskey? I don't know. Some guy in the bathroom. Yo, I feel like it would probably still be cheaper than the alcohol they sell at clubs. Probably, Whitney.

But you're also buying it. You're also buying it in a place where people go to defecate. Okay? I don't want my liqueurs to sit in a place where people shit excrete gallons of diarrhea all day long. I just don't want to eat or drink anything in there. I'm sorry.

Even when I go to the bathroom, I don't flush the toilet until I've covered my cup if I'm holding it because there's particles of piss and shit that land on everything. Man, there's particles of shit everywhere. You've got to get with it. Yeah, they're made of star stuff. Yeah, like there's particles of shit in this room right now. There is. It's all over your toothbrush.

It's all over what you're drinking and eating. It's everywhere. I cover the lid now. So I read this article. It's all over the kitchen. It's everywhere. Particles of shit are everywhere. Great, dick.

That doesn't mean I have to fucking sit in the stew of it. I try to minimize my exposure to shit particles. Is that so bad? You can't. It's pointless. Which part specifically are you mad about the fact that they sell things or the fact that they're not hired by the establishment or what? You know, Whitney, if it was a convenience thing, that's fine.

But how many times have you been going to, say, a bar or a club? I know the answer to this already zero. How many times you've been going to a bar club and you're thinking, oh shit, I need some mince or something for this hot date I'm on. I'm going to, you know what? I'll just wait until I get there because there will be a bathroom attendant.

No, nobody ever thinks that. You especially because you've never seen them in there. The concept of mince is pretty abstract to me in general. I don't know what. Wait, what? You have monster breath? I don't know. No, I just don't know why mince exists.

Like, mentos are still a thing. You're like, because you're a hot chicken and you don't have to worry about it. But guys have to like fucking have fresh breath and they have to shave and take care of themselves. Women just show up. Change your clothes. Yeah, change your clothes, change your sheets.

Well, you wouldn't know about that. So these guys, they're inconveniencing you. How often do you run into bathroom attendance? All the fucking time. Where? It's gone to the point a lot of restaurants I go to, not even high-end, low-end? Come on, give me a ballpark. How many bathroom attendance do you?

I'll speed through it. How many bathroom attendance do you run into every week? Mannings? Every week? Yeah, every week. Such a big problem. Every week. On average, I would say three per month.

So what's that about? 0.7 per week, 0.6? Yeah. You got 70% of a guy in the bathroom. Yeah. Where? Where, where, where, where? Bars and restaurants and clubs.

Bars? Bars, absolutely, yeah. There's a bunch of bars in Hollywood to do that. Are you kidding me? So is the problem that you feel accosted by these people? Is it like a race thing?

No, what do you mean it's a race thing? It's a good question. No, it's not a racing. Whitney, they are shielding. They're blocking access to the paper towels and to the water and to anything else that I fucking need. They give them to you. You don't have to tip them. Oh, it's implied.

Oh, dick. You don't know the social contract, buddy. What are you, a robot, an alien? I give them five bucks at the beginning of the night, and then I don't tip for the rest of the night because I don't want to deal with it. Oh, you tip them before. So it cost you $5. What are they fucking valet? What service are they providing you?

They're handing you a towel from behind the counter that I can just reach and grab myself. and they don't know how many towels I want. And by the way, if I have to ask him for another towel, give me another one, give me another one. Maybe I want to blow my nose. Maybe it's no of your fucking business. And also stop staring at me while I pee. I've never had a bad experience with a bathroom attendant.

Oh, you ass. I've never, why? You just take the towels. If you want to be a cheap fuck, then don't tip them. Not a big deal. Yeah, except next time. It's all night. They get cheap guys in there all night.

And you know what happens, Dick? I've been to a really busy bathroom. In fact, I was there with you. We went to this Festival Supreme thing downtown, Jack Black concert, whatever. That bathroom had a bathroom attendant, and it had this constant stream of people going in and out, in and out the entire time.

If there's a wait, you might have to wait and sit there because some dickhead is hoarding all the towels to hand them to you. And if you didn't tip him, guess what? He might just hand you one towel or no towels at all. You know what? You're making a great point for bathroom attendants because that festival would have been disgusting without a bathroom attendant. He wasn't doing anything except making tip money.

He was making sure that towels existed for you, Instead of people, drunk people, throwing them all over the bathroom. This argument is having the opposite effect on me. Like, I wish there were more bathroom attendance around. Just so I could, like... You know, those people who stand outside concert halls, and they have the danger dogs, the L.A. hot dogs. Dirty dogs.

Dirty dogs. So, for people who aren't familiar, explain those? They are the people who have carts outside concert halls and places where you get drunk, and they sell hot dogs that have grilled. onions on them, they smell delicious when you're drunk. Bacon wrapped. Yeah, bacon wrapped. They are delicious. They're probably horrible

for you, but we just know, we talked about it. Hot dogs are fine, whatever. I wish those guys would go into the bathrooms. I wish that you could buy hot dogs. And anytime I have paid... You want to eat food in a place where people shit, Whitney?

Why not? Shit is everywhere. It's everywhere. It's everywhere. Dick, doesn't mean you have to expose yourself to the maximum amount of shit. Oh, Hey, you know what? What if doctors use your dipshit logic? You know what? Shit's everywhere.

Let's have this open heart surgery in the bathroom. Fuck it. All right. Flawless logic. That's your argument. Shit's everywhere might as well. Fuck it. You know what?

We can't avoid it. So let's just eat in the bathroom. Let's fucking eat and sleep in the bathroom. Drink in the bathroom. Fuck it. Shit's not in a sterile operating theater. Well, you said shit's everywhere. Oh.

Wait a so you're saying shit's not everywhere then, huh? I guess not, Maddox. No, it's not in the molten core of the. the earth or the middle of the sun either. What do you want to, what do you want me to say? Great, then I'll eat a hot dog there. It's in the bathroom. It's outside. It's in your kitchen. It's not my bedroom.

My kitchen's clean, buddy. I'll throw a petri dish out there then because you got E. coli. Everyone has it everywhere. I honestly just admire the, the business mind of these people. I don't feel like I've never been, maybe I don't know, maybe I don't know I don't have a place to have this opinion because I've never been personally accosted by a bathroom attendant?

They don't. They don't. They do. How do they accost you? They do. They kind of, they corny, I've had them stand in front of the door handing me a paper towel before.

Because here's my new strategy. Now when I go into the bathroom with these fucking dipshits, these assholes, what I do is I just go pee and then I just don't wash my hands because you don't fuck it. I don't want to deal with this prick. Yeah, exactly.

It's gross. And that's what a lot of guys do because I notice it too. When I go to the, I just look at them. I'm like, no, fuck you. I don't need your fucking pity towel. I don't need your shit.

And what they'll do sometimes they'll stand. Oh, yeah, they'll stand in front of the door. They feel bad for you? Yeah, because they're like, oh, well, this guy, you know, we see a pistol over his hands. Let's hand him a towel, right? And then they stand in front of the door, and they won't let me leave until I've taken the fucking towel.

What you're saying is an insane fabrication. They have never barred you from leaving the bathroom. They'll stand out in front of the door in the same way that a guy, the really aggressive valet usher, will stand and try to get you into the parking garage when you're driving down the street and you want to just clip them,

you just fantasize about it all fucking night about how sweet it would be just to clip that fucking asshole. That's exactly what they do in bathrooms. If they really are trying to get you to take a towel because your hands are covered in piss, then it seems like they're the good guys here. Yeah, maybe a couple bucks their way isn't a big deal in that instance. Why don't you guys go make out with some bathroom attendants?

Watch the Titanic together. Why don't you guys all get in one big, stupid, sloppy bed with your shit particles and just sit there, watching the shitty movie. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to eat a danger dog on the street instead of a bathroom. Well, I admit that they're annoying. Like, I don't like seeing them in there because I do feel kind of guilty and I don't

want to tip them. Oh, that's my point. It would be way, way worse, though, if a bathroom attendant handed you a towel and was like, hey, when was the last time you really searched yourself? When was the last time you really opened your mind? They will talk to you, though. That's a good point. Trying to wedge in her problem.

It's true. She did that on the live show. It would be so much worse, though. They'd be like, hey, listen, did you know that we're made of star stuff? You'd be back off. Actually, Whitney, you know what? That's a good point. It would be worse.

And sometimes they do want to talk to you. Guess what, man. I go to bathrooms for solitude. I go there for peace and quiet. I like to just reflect and think about all the bad things I've done when I go to bathrooms. And if this guy's talking to me, I don't have those few precious moments to myself. What do they talk to you about? Oh, hey, how's a good, man?

What's your nice of? Just like normal things that. People talk to each other about pretty much normal conversation. Yeah, you're on a hot date, bro? I'm like, yeah, maybe, maybe not. Maybe I'm alone. Like, fuck off. It's not even business.

I think you should just live in the bathroom permanently. Like, your whole house should be a bathroom. I would love that. Your car should be a bathroom. So you could only be in the bathroom at all times. I need a kitchen. So let's think about this. They're making conversations with you.

It's their job, as far as we know, but they're not hired by the place. Maybe, I don't know, it's just like any other job where you're trying to make conversation with someone and not hate your life. That sounds reasonable to me. You know, Whitney, there's another type of thing that does this in nature.

It just kind of finds a place that's hospitable for their lifestyle, and it just camps out there and starts multiplying, and it starts just using up resources and taking and taking, they're called parasites. So you're likening... That's not what a parasite is. That's what a parasite.

It's just sitting in your gut and it just takes up resources. That's what it does. No one invited it. It just showed up one day. That was the stupidest definition of a parasite that I've ever heard. Parasite just sits your gut using up resources. You're likening a person trying to make polite conversation to you on their work shift as a parasite. Are you the precious resource?

I am the... My mind scape is precious, Whitney. Yeah, you got to get back to your not date at the club you're at, right? You know what, Dick? Maybe I'm there on an important meeting. Maybe I'm drinking my cold fireball whiskey and I don't want shit particles in it. I want to wash my hand. Sack up and don't tip them.

I valeted my bike. Shut up, Sean. It's a good move to ride a bike to a bar because then you don't have to pay for a cab. You don't have to pay for a lift or an Uber or anything. And that solves your problem, Dick. Surge pricing. I guess you said that was a solution. No, that's a solution.

Surge pricing. Oh, chatty Uber drivers. There you go. Vote down chatty Uber drivers, ride a bike, vote up anti-cyclists and anti-vaccists. and anti-vaxers and bathroom attendants. And monkeys. And monkeys. I haven't even hurt such a dumb thing.

Oops. I meant to play this. You're slipping on that board today. Yeah. You ever had a chatty Uber driver? I don't take Uber because it's expensive and stupid, but I take lift and I fucking love when they're chatty. I love it.

I love hearing people's stories. I love whatever candy they have for me. They have like sometimes fun music. I like it. Have you been to the doctor? their work life. You might need to get checked out. I like people.

I like talking to people unless they're trying to force some sort of agenda on me. I am happy talking to them. Sometimes lift drivers have, I actually gave a lift driver a job once. What was the job? It was a writing big because he wrote comics. And so I introduced him to a buddy and now he writes comic books. You meet some interesting people. Some people do lift just so that they can meet other people.

Oh, yeah. I think it's rad. I'm not, I'm not hating on it. All right, vote down, chatty, Uber drivers. All right, yeah. My problem's hay fever. It's way worse than this stupid problem. Great, Dick.

What's your problem, Whitney? My problem is recently enlightened people. Recently enlightened people. And my problem, the biggest problem in the universe, bathroom attendance. Voted up, people. Anyway, that's our episode. We've got more live episodes coming. Much near your should grin.

I don't give a shit if you guys watch it or don't. Fuck off. Unsubscribe. Don't listen to this podcast. delete it, you morons. Thanks for listening. Somebody emailed me. The live show is bad and you should feel bad.

It's like, well, buckle up because you get three more episodes. That's a futurama quote. Yeah, cool job quoting Zoidberg instead of actually having something to say. Oh, yeah. It was a reference. The whole point of your problem was everything's a reference. Guy couldn't come up with anything new. Oh my God, you're right.

Right? Yeah, proving it. Everybody proved your point. Everybody in the whole shit storm. You're totally right. I got a voicemail. Hey guys, it's hysterious. I talk like a huge fucking asshole.

Not a joke. I'm just stating the fact. But my voice makes it so hilarious. What a fucking, what a consummate hater that guy was. Yeah. Wait, do you guys know that guy? That wasn't hysterios. No, that wasn't hysterios.

No. And by the way, he tried so hard to sound like Asteroos. Missed it by a mile. Really? That guy, he didn't sound like hysterios. Oh, I thought he sounded kind of like him. What if that was Asteroos? Could have been hysterios is pretty funny.

Hey guys, this is Bolandis from the Woodlands, Texas. I just want to point something out to Maddox. You guys keep talking about, I mean, you know, you keep talking about how your dad is a badass because he has fallen off or possibly jumped off a three roof. There we go. Survives cancer, heart attacks and strokes. Sounds pretty awesome.

Survive not getting any blowjibbers for who knows how long. Blow gibbers. I don't think all that necessarily means. makes him a badass though. I think your dad is truly in love with your mother and that the power of love has prevailed babies. It allows him to overcome all of these obstacles and made him the man that he is today. Hey, Sean, if you ever in Texas, I got what you're smoking on or better, man.

All right. By the way, that's a funny voicemail. Totally full of shit. Sean, poor Sean got beat up so bad in the comments on the lead up to the live show. Everybody was saying comments like, hey, did Sean delete this? episode. And then after it, even after it came out, people are commenting because they thought it was too short. They said, hey, did Sean delete 90% of the episodes? You know what's funny about it? I think, I was telling Dick before the show. I have done that exactly one time. And the most

people possible found out about it. Well, build a thousand bridges, but delete one podcast. You're like, you're like the Brian Williams of the biggest problem in the universe. You can only fuck up once. I think he fucked up more than once, but. Yeah. Yeah. You know, that reminds me when I, on my way here, I got into a fatal car crash. Oh, no, I'm sorry. I just drove by a fatal car crash. You get those confused all the time. Yeah.

Right? Yeah. One more. I got one more. Thanks, Maddox. And what's your name? The other guy, Dick Masterson. Thanks for, you know, showing black people problems in black history.

I just heard their podcast about that. So, yeah, I just want to say, thanks. This is Black Man Number 3. three or five. They want to say thank you for all that, you know, not believing that Sean. Because I know Sean doesn't

give a shit. He was like, oh, no, I don't believe that black people are representative at all. So yeah, Sean. Is that true?

Yeah, I'm sorry that we're trying to come up in the world, all right? I'm sorry that we're not gado like the rest of them that you want us to be, Sean. Take that.

I'm glad you to do that part that you said, you're fucking assholes. All right, Sean. Love you guys. Talk you later. Bye. I don't think I said

one thing during that episode. I don't know. I was afraid not to bring that one in because I didn't want to get called to racist. That's funny. Yeah, well. That's it. That's it. All right.