The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 43

Episode Date: May 18, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe. I'm Maddox. With me is Dick Masterserson. Hey, what's up, buddy? And Sean, our audio engineer. Hello. Oh, boy, I am glad to be back. Dick, I was in Utah this week. Oh, yeah.

And I was bitching about it before the show, and you said, you know what? Why don't you bring it in as a problem? And I think I will next week, so I already got my problems this week. Well, because it's a weird wonderland. Like, everything that you describe about Utah is just weird and bizarre, and you can't imagine people living in such an environment. Yeah. And yet alone, like, thriving.

This is their paradise. This is the paradise that they've built for them. It actually makes me question my libertarian ideals. That these assholes are in this state all on their own, inventing this awful utopia for themselves. I'm like, they shouldn't be allowed to do this. Dick, it's a dystopia. To be clear, it's definitely dystopia.

You know that world that I painted, that magical world about the Oculus Rift during the bonus episode? Utah is kind of like that where on the surface, everything looks cool and looks great, but then the underlying is just like depression and suicide. Anyway, Dick, we also dropped our live episode number two last week, and the comments were overall, I would say, a little bit more positive. Not that I give a shit, because it's fucking awesome, and I don't give a shit what you guys think.

I give a shit. Yeah, about the comments? Yeah, I care what people think about me. I'm not one of these enlightened individuals who doesn't care. I actually care. I got a comment from Victor Rice-sobria. He says, what the fuck is this shit? Unsubscribe.

With a V? With a V, yeah. Idiot. All right. See you, moron. If you can't spell unsubscribe, do it. Go ahead and unsubscribe. I also got a comment from, this is from the live episode. Lyle Chipperson, he says, I say the biggest problem is Fagox's erectile dysfunction.

Is that you or me? Who do you think Fagox is? Oh, that's you. Why do you have erectile dysfunction? Why does he think you have erectile dysfunction? No, I don't know. I don't think he's ever. seen me erect.

His mom, definitely. And then from last, well, you got a comment. I have one from the live show, yeah. TPH7N.S4. I don't know what that stands for. It might be the guy's license, please.

So why doesn't Dick get his own awesome throne? Kunal S3 goes, because he's an ass wipe. Pretty good. Yeah, take that, Dick. Ass wipe. Did you have another one?

Yeah, this one's not from the live show. This one's not from the live. show. Well, let's focus on the live show first, because we got to say that the next one's coming out, which I'm really excited about it, because I loved our guest on that one. Ella, Ella Darling. She's a porn star. I loved all our guests, but this one is really fascinating. Of course, but I mean, I really loved Ella. Here we go. There we go. And you guys can see the uncomfortable flirting. If we didn't cut it out, we'll see. I'll, you know, it's out by the time that this podcast is out, so, you know, watch it, leave some comments. I'm going to play that

clip of my high school reunion. It's going to be, look at this. Look at this flirting that's going on with being this porn star. Awesome. Gross. She's also, she's involved in making porn for the Oculus Rift. Spoiler. Yeah. By the way, the HTC Vive has come out now. They're talking about that tech demo that just came out and people are saying the HTC Vive is next level. They're saying it's, they have laser sensors that you put on the wall that scan your body so that you know the problem I said with the Oculus Swift is that your limbs aren't in the body, aren't in the game. This solves that problem and you're

in the game. This is going to be some next level shit. Oh, yeah. I hope it works as well as Siri does at voice recognition and the connect does at body limb recognition, right? What other horseshit technology? The power glove?

Remember that? Oh, what a revolution that was for video games playing. I can't wait to see this laser technology in action. Dick you shit on pioneers, these pioneers of industry, making new technology. The first fucking cell phones looked like bricks, and they were like the Zach Morris phone and saved by the bell. But now look at them. They're tiny and they're awesome. They were worse. My dad had one. He was a stockbroker. And it filled up his, it filled up the trunk

of his car. Yeah. But he would make calls. He could only call like a couple people. Yeah. Because only a couple people had them. But it bounced right off a saddle. Um, let's not get off into the weeds. What are you doing? Are you drawn pictures again? No, no. Don't worry about it. Yeah, you're drawn pictures again over there. No. What about the problems from last week? Problems last week, Dick. So the number one problem for last week was student loans.

Well? From what? Yeah? Yeah. That's good. That's to be expected. Well, it doesn't count. Yeah, but it doesn't count.

No, I agree. Yeah. All right, good. Why don't you think it counts? Because it was... I mean, I'm sorry. What doesn't count for the number one problem? It was from the live show, but that is so that doesn't count.

The actual... It doesn't count as a win. No. It's not a win. But what doesn't it doesn't count? count in then? Because it's on a list. It's on the top of a list. Then what do you mean it doesn't count? It didn't count as the most number of votes.

Oh, okay. Okay. I'm sorry. I almost misunderstood you. Yeah. So the real, so the real top voting, top ranking problem last week was fit shaming. Oh. Yeah. Congratulations. Thanks. Congratulations. Thank you. Yeah. On what? I don't know.

I don't know what you're congratulating me for. Not a win. Not a win. Not a win. No. Just congratulations. Yeah. Too bad. You know, too bad. too bad that student loans doesn't count in that because it was during the live episode. Then Super Bugs and Hot Dog Truthers. There's one more.

Sorry, Dick. Oh, and the last one was people who complain about what others are doing on social media. People didn't think that was a problem at all. Yeah, that was... Well, it's kind of convoluted, right? Yeah. Because it's like you're complaining about what people are complaining about who are complaining about people on social media? I guess.

I mean, I don't... That's something I do all the time. I love complaining about what others are doing. Dick, I got a comment about the superbugs problem. Oh, God, is it my antibiotics, antibody fuck up? No, although that was hilarious. This one's from Rhino-Kingas, and he said, here's a kicker for Dick. Manuka Honey may be used in killing MRSA.

Remember you said the problem with superbugs, and you kept mentioning this metacillin-resistant staphylococcus? Yeah, right? There's a study he linked to on PubMed.gov. It says manuka honey inhibits cell division in methylicillin-resistant staphylococcus. So you're not only saying honey doesn't do anything, but now they're saying honey may actually be a cure to superbugs. And the results of the study says statistically significant increased number of cells

containing septa and increased cell diameter were found in MRSA exposed to 5%, 10%, or 20% Manuka honey, but not 10% artificial honey without methylgloxyl. All right, well, I'm not eating honey. I take care of hay fever. If I get mercer, I'll start eating honey. Good. But I'm not eating it to cure my head. You can just sit there and sneeze like a little bitch.

Hold on. Anyway, that's, yeah. Hey, dick. Antibiotics. Antibiotics. Antibiotics. Antibiotics. I really upset some people with that.

Antibiotics are drugs we used to kill bacteria. Okay. Antibodies are what your body makes, specifically what your immune system makes, In response to invasion. Ah, yeah. There you go. Huh. Go fuck yourself.

You snuck that in. I think that I did know that. I didn't say it right, obviously. I apologize if anyone was caused duress by my mistake, but it's clearly, I was wrong. You know what? Maybe I am a fucking idiot. You know that that was taken out of context, by the way? It sounds like it.

Yeah, that was me imitating a woman, Being interviewed by a news reporter. Yeah. Yeah. So much like your facts, it was taken out of context. So, yeah, it sounds like it. And the other one sounds like it was spliced from different audio clips, too. This one here.

Maybe I think I'm a lot smarter than I am. That was the same thing. That was the same thing. Yeah, that was me imitating someone being interviewed by the news. Uh-huh. Yeah. I would never say that about myself. I got some more voicemails here.

This is a message for the fan versus fan segment. I'd like to respond to that stupid son of a bitch who said that the listeners of this podcast are in fact themselves the biggest problems in the universe and some of the worst human beings ever. That guy's a fucking cock sucker. I hope he gets dick cancer and die. So, you know, point, counterpoint.

Was that a response to one of the comments or something we said? No, a guy called in with the voicemail saying that the fans of the show are the biggest problem. So that's a reason. He was saying that they're violent people and they're bad people. So that guy called in with the response. Well, you shot him up by calling him a cock sucker and hopes so that he dies. That's pretty funny. Hi, I'm just calling him to say that Dick is just a giant fucking asshole.

Like, all of his problems suck. He's not good at defending any of his problems. I think Maddox have the best problems in the universe. All Dick does is that stupid fucking gimmicks and that people vote up his problem. Gimmicks. Fuck you and your Titanic, Dick. Oh, by the way, fuck you, Dick. That sounded like a compliment, though.

fuck you and your Titanic Dick. Oh, yeah, that's true. That's true, Sean. Good point. Sean, that's cheating. That doesn't count. We're comma splicing here. Look, that guy made a point. A lot of gimmicks. People vote up your problems sometimes because it's the gimmicks.

Yeah, hey, speaking of gimmicks, uh, Trark Dev says, Dick, how about bringing in Maddox is too much of a pussy to watch Titanic as a problem? Too much of a pussy? It was pathetic enough he caved in and promised to watch it, but now he won't keep his word. What do you say? You did say you watched it.

And I don't know conclusively that you did or didn't. No, I definitely watched it, guys. You fucking idiots. Of course I didn't watch it, you morons. That was a lie just to, I'm going to lie my way out of this bit. Take that, you idiots. That's very uncharacteristic of you, though. To lie.

Yeah. And you're not good at it. You got caught immediately. I don't get it. And you gave me the most softball questions, too, to prove that I watched the Titanic. On a show discussing serious problems, we can't have the main host be a pussy liar. I don't know, man. That's what this guy's saying. Bring it in.

Yeah. Okay, guys. You know, this is, this is self-preservation. That's what that was. What is? I did what I had to do to preserve myself, my dignity, my honor. By what? By lying about seeing the Titanic.

I'm never going to watch the Titanic. I will never fucking watch it. I will take that to my grave. Okay. I have had girls who wouldn't put out because I wouldn't watch a Titanic. See you, haughty? I don't give a shit. Hmm.

Yeah. What? I would never do that. You would never put out. No, I'll watch whatever. You'll watch. Yeah. See, that's the difference.

You can just think about other shit while it's on TV. I just won't watch it, man. It's just, because I made a promise. Wait, can you stop drawing pictures? Like, you're clearly not paying attention to what I'm talking about. I am. I am. You're totally not.

You're drawing pictures. It's a real sloppy vampire. I just drew. All right. Handy Andy Pandy says, Dick, when you mentioned already exists. Remember that fat photoshopping idea that I had? Yeah.

Where you Photoshop people skinny to like give them inspiration? Sure. It already exists on Reddit. It's called FatsoShop. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I brought in some pictures of it too. You want to see them? Yeah, I'll see it. So, all right, here is a fat girl that was Photoshop to be skinny.

Okay, so I'm looking at this picture of this wow, she looks really... Like a sequined walrus on the left. Sean, look. Tell me that's not accurate. That's a sequin walrus. She's wearing... She's wearing like a party dress, like a going out party dress. I don't know why. It's like a daytime photo.

It's like a sparkly mermaid is fucked walrus there. Okay, Dick. I'm sure that's how least she likes to be described. And then the Photoshop version of her, she's really skinny looking and kind of spelt. And she looks like she has normal body proportions. Yeah. Do you think that would be inspirational? Not to me.

If you were that woman? I don't know, man. I mean, inspirational or... Because that one's hot. I guess. But if someone did that... Well, yeah, but if this woman asked the person to Photoshop her body, fine, sure. But if someone did that and just came over and said, hey, look at what I drew, look what I made, you could look like this.

I'd say, fuck you, don't worry about it. How about this one? Look at that. Dick's showing a picture of a girl. She says, fat is the new black. She's wearing... And she is fat. Yeah, she's pretty, she's pretty curvy.

She's curvy plus. I would say that she's just a little bit over curvy. And then the skinny one, yeah, she has this thigh gap. which I think is ridiculous. Oh, so you don't think that's hot? No, she's hot. Okay. Yeah.

All right, I got to, I got one more. I suspect something, some kind of scam coming. No, no, it's not a scam. Yeah. How about that? Okay. There's a picture of a fat cat laying down and then a skinny cat next to it. Yeah.

Yeah. I guess you're right. I don't think that cat would lose weight. No, I don't think so. All right, Dick. You got any more voicemail? Should we get to the problems? I got some, yeah, I got one more voicemail, I'm going to play.

Hey, what's up finally after all these years? And, you know, I hope you stay with us a little bit longer until you go into your virtual boy masturbation world. Secondly, I like to bring in a problem. This is a big, when your entire body's at peace, but for some reason you have to keep scratching your ass or scratching your crotch. I mean, it's ridiculous.

And also, this can get you into big problems as well. Like if you hang around, playgrounds a lot, all of a sudden you're being raped in prison for being a sex offender. What? People like Maddox are looking around yourself online. It's crazy. Actually, that's my problem.

Dig, when you go hug yourself because you're an amazing person. That's why we all love you. Okay. Barf. Thank you. Guys, just about asked you on a date. Yeah, you know, it's interesting.

I actually wrote copy for an underwear company. Really? Yeah, a long time ago. I wrote some copy. They hired me to write some copy. What is you write? Just a bunch of over-the- the top manly fucking shit that was awesome

and then they came back and said well um you know we don't want to associate danger with our product I'm like all right didn't do what you want change it how you want yeah I made it sound like there was risk of dying by wearing this underwear like what I don't remember

it's something like there was there was it's something like put the danger in your pants or something like that they said we want to be more fun we wanted a fun brand not a danger brand a fun brand yeah for men's underwear Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. They know who they hired, right? Yeah. I was like, all right. Just saying. Print what you want, guys. You know what you want? You're the writer?

Or am I the writer? Oh, you're the right? You're the New York Times bestseller? Oh, okay. Then go ahead and why you write your own copy? Yeah. Figured out. Sounds cool.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I got this to bring in. So you remember your problem of fit shaming, right? Yeah. This comes in from Johnny Davis. You brought in Maria Kang as an example of someone fit. Right.

Well, this guy says people were pissed at her because she's a fitness instructor. So her job is working out. Remember how you said she spends eight hours a day working? Yeah, her job is basically living at a gym. Was she before or did she become one after? Let me read you this girl's profile. All right, I went on her about me site. I'm not going to read you the whole thing because it's awful.

But here's just the sentence. From her site. Maria King, wife. This is in order. Wife, mother, author. She's an author Yeah Yeah

Speaker Got a lot of things already Yeah Got a lot of words on her mind Business owner Okay This is legit This is listed as a thing

That she does She's a business owner She's a business owner Specific Like when you go to Like Warren Buffett's website Business owner

That's what he calls himself Business owner Nonprofit founder Yeah okay Fitness Philanthropist Philanthropist Fitness philanthropist.

What do you suppose that is? So she gives away fitness? Like what does that mean? I don't know what that mean. Oh, she probably donates hours of... She tells people how to work out. Yeah, okay. Okay?

Yeah. She's sharing her expertise. Nothing wrong with that. And social entrepreneur. Social entrepreneur. What is that mean? So a business, an entrepreneur would be starting businesses, right? She's a social entrepreneur.

She starts conversations. So basically, this chick sits around gabs all day and fills out forms to start businesses. Well, that's how you characterize her, Dick. Great role model. Yeah, that's how you characterize her. To me, she sounds like a hardworking mother who lost a lot of weight, and she posted that picture online, which a lot of people hated. So a lot of people, actually, a few people in the comment section said,

Hey, Maddox, didn't you write this article about don't inspire someone, this article title, don't inspire someone, where I talked about how people who try to inspire, Other people shouldn't because they have no fucking idea what it takes to inspire someone usually. Inspiration sometimes usually happens unintentionally. You don't go out to necessarily inspire someone unless you have a good track record of doing that like Tony Robbins. Like he goes around doing inspirational speeches. I mean, does he? He does, yeah.

But does he inspire people? Yeah, I've met people who've gone to Tony Robbins talks and they have changed their lives after the fact. I guess so. But people who try to inspire others. And I said, yeah, you know what, this actually is an argument in favor of my point. The supports the point that I was making that you shouldn't try to inspire people. I think that's, it's not inconsistent with fit shaming. You can still, this woman's being fit shamed, but the people who were criticizing her weren't criticizing her for her attempts at inspiration.

They were criticizing her for being fit. They said, oh, well, you know, not everyone's born with the same genes. Some people have jobs, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I just, I think it's a little off-putting to be a fitness instructor and get on the internet and tell, like, what's your excuse? That attitude is very off-putting. I mean, yeah, it is off-putting, Dick.

I'm not going to argue that, yeah. She didn't do a good job. If she was trying to inspire people, she didn't do a good job. She really fucked up. Although, I don't know, man, I'm sure reading the comments, there'd be some people who say, yeah, she inspired me to lose weight. It's probably more negative than positive. It seems like she's preaching to the choir, I think, is my problem with it.

Like, it seems like she's just showing off for people who are already fit. Maybe. Yeah. Um, I got one more. Stephen Joseph Musgrove the second says Maddox seems recently enlightened with his Oculus Rift experience. No. Isn't that? You don't think there's any truth in that?

No, enlightened as to what? What's the philosophy that I got enlightened about, Dickhead? Well, you're like whole what is life thing. You're whole like, what is life in like my master's. race of programmers that are going to be watching movies by themselves and virtual reality, you are really proselytizing this Oculus Rift experience. Right, because the experience, it's going to change the world. But that's what people who are enlightened say. Like, this is going to change, this diet, this holistic diet will change your life, or the Pilates spin class will change your life. Oculus Rift

will change your life. That's what he's saying. Dick, I have not gleamed any new information from, necessarily from the Oculus Rift. It didn't inspire me with some kind of philosophy. It didn't instill some philosophy into me, what happened was that I saw this technology and I see the potential and I see where the human race is going. That's it, that's it. There's nothing enlightening about it. Well, maybe a little bit? You know what?

Here's the thing, you fuck. I didn't bring in recently inspired people. That's not my problem. That was Whitney's problem. Recently enlightened people. Don't vote it down. No, bullshit. I don't give a shit. You want to do a problem? Yeah. Go ahead. All right. My first problem

this week is people who turn left. Oh. Huh? Man, that's a good problem. Yeah, damn right, that's a good problem. People who turn left are idiots. Morons. Suckers.

This is from USA Today. You know, three years ago, this is an actual quote from the article, three years ago, a retailer, UPS, for those who aren't in America, that stands for the United Post. Parcel system. Yeah. Anyway, UPS. Service.

Oh, United Postal service. Guys, we did it. We did it. All three of us, we got it. Teamwork. Who cares? They're the Brown Company. Anyway, a retailer deployed software from a division of UPS to design routes to maximize the number of deliveries on each while minimizing time and distance.

One trick they use, restrict left-hand turns. Office Depot also did this. They now make 180 to 200 deliveries instead of 125 to 135 over the same distance. Yeah. That's a big jump. That's a big jump. Yeah. It's almost double in some instances.

Just because they gave up making left turns. Yeah. This is from Bloomberg. It's an article, this may be a little bit biased, but who knows, whatever. It says UPS makes no, no, actually, this is from Bloomberg. It says UPS makes no left turns in quest to deliver sustainability. As you make a left turn in the U.S., this is someone, a spokesperson for UPS, this says, as you make a left turn in the U.S., you sit at a light and you have to idle a lot.

You waste a lot of fuel sitting and idling. With our routing technology and better driving, we avoided 98 million minutes of idle time last year. Holy shit. 98 million minutes. Those are countless lifetimes. Well, not countless, but anyway, several lifetimes to be sure. Definitely you could count them, but it's a lot.

It's a lot. It's significant. This is from Washington Post. This article they wrote called The Case for Almost Never Turning Left While Driving. This is the one that sounds a little bit wise. It says UPS has chosen to minimize and sometimes eliminate left hand turns to be more efficient. The company says that the changes have helped save it millions of gallons of fuel. And it goes on, federal data have shown, okay, so not only is it inefficient to turn

left, it's pointless, and it's dangerous. Federal data has shown that 53.1% of crossing path crashes involve left turns, but only 5.7% involve right turns. That's almost 10 times as many crashes involving left turns as right turns. That makes sense. 10 times. Yeah. Can you believe that day? So you are 10 times more likely to get in a fatal car crash or any kind of car crash than if you were turning left, then if you were turning right. I'm surprised it's not higher.

Because you're making a right turn. What's the worst thing that could happen? You get re-rended? Yeah, you get re-rended. A lot of times what happens when you're making a right turn is that the driver is looking left to see oncoming traffic to see when it's clear, and they're not looking right to see if any pedestrians or cyclists are crossing

and they might hit them. Yeah. So that's what happens with right-hand turns. But people say, well, Maddox, what am I supposed to do if I can't turn left? Idiot. Go past the block that you want and then make three right turns. So, wait a minute. Are you going to start doing this now?

Mr. Efficiency? Well, I am exempt. I feel. Okay. No, no, no. Here's the thing. You're entitled to left turns. No, I use my judgment.

I use free left turns. So if I need to turn left, I don't turn left until I absolutely have to. Or if I get a free left. turn. Now here's what I define a free left turn. If you're going through an intersection and it's about to turn red, it goes from green to yellow, right? Right. And if you're about to cross through that intersection and it turns yellow, that's a free left turn. Quickly, boost into the left turn lane and then turn left because

you don't wait and oncoming traffic has to yield to you. Yeah. Is UPS allowed to do that? Like, cut across three lanes? UPS drivers aren't paid to think. All right? They're paid to deliver. Don't worry about that. I've seen them do it. Yeah. You've seen them bomb across three lanes. They drive those things like rally cars. Yeah, they do. Yeah, but generally, Dick, I avoid left-hand turns. I absolutely do.

And that's how I get where I'm going faster than most people. I've never seen you make three rights, though. Because that's the, in this world you're talking about with all right turns, everyone would be making three rights all the time, right? Dick, Dick, Dick, my simple friend. I have deployed advanced driving maneuvers.

I, I no longer, I know, longer have to make right turns or left turns. I flip a bitch. Yeah, that's right. I make a right and then flip a bitch. That has to be more dangerous than left turns. You turn in the middle of the street? To an unskilled driver, sure. Okay.

Yeah. I do the exact same thing. Yeah, that's right, Sean. I don't think it's more dangerous. Yeah, and your car is banged up. I have been hit. Uh-huh. I have been hit. Nothing has ever been my fault. Hit by suckers, right?

No, well, I've, one woman tried to make a U-turn from a parked position to immediately go up the other way and just like teabone me from Yeah, no, it's It was colossally stupid on her I have no idea how she didn't look Before she pulled a incredibly illegal maneuver

Well, that's the thing If you look, you pay attention, Look Dick, I have transcended red lights In my driving city Yeah, I don't stop at red lights anymore I don't have to. If I'm in a hurry, I take a right, flip a bitch, I go through back alleys,

I go through parking lots if I have to, I go through other people's driveways if I have to Houses? Well, no, not houses yet. But I have found ways around traffic that are unconventional, perhaps illegal. I don't know. I don't know. But you got to have some balls to do what I do.

And you have to be a real good driver. Yeah. Do you have any interest in like the Hypermiler Club? Have you ever heard of those guys? Oh, I have. No, those guys are extreme. You don't like they're too extreme for you. They're too extreme for me.

Because it sounds like what you're never stopping, like the shark method of driving that you're describing. Yeah. Where you never stop. Never stop because you'll die. No need to. It sounds like something they would do. Stopping is for suckers, taking left hand turn. is for suckers.

A study by New York City transportation planners concluded the left-hand turns were three times as likely to cause deadly crash involving a pedestrian as right-hand turns. And 36% of fatal accidents involving a motorcycle involve a left-hand turn in front of a motorcycle, according to the National Highways... Oh, really?

Yeah, according to National Highway Traffic Safety Association. I could see that. Yeah. And it goes on, man. It says, we could save lives by restricting left turns, but we're unwilling to sacrifice what we see as a needed convenience. Even if you discount the safety concerns, the efficiency of turning left is questionable.

And then they go on to cite that UPS study, where they rerouted, they retooled their routing software to avoid left-hand turns. But that is you. What they're describing there, because of our entitlement to convenience, they're describing you. What are you talking about?

You said you're not going to give up left turns because you're above the system. I don't turn left and I don't turn right. I flip a bitch if I have to, and I get exactly where I'm. Flipping a bitch is two left turns. Not really. It's one continuous motion.

It's ewe. It can be a right and a left also. Like if you're going straight, say you're going south. Yeah. And you make a right-hand turn on the next street, flip an immediate bitch. Yeah. But you just said you're not giving up your... I mean, I don't believe that you're never making left turns again.

I don't make left turns. I go straight. And I have started to avoid intersections with lights. I will go to the intersections. I used to think that intersections with lights were the best thing because you're guaranteed to turn through if you needed to, right? think that. Especially across it.

I no longer think that. Because of the app, the app Waze, you know, Ways, the navigation software? Yeah. And if you guys aren't familiar with it, W-A-Z-E, especially if you live in a big city. Look it up. Waze is an incredible GPS navigation device that routes you around traffic, but it also has done efficiency testing for routes, and it finds that if you go straight through heavily traffic intersections, as opposed to turning left or right, you will save way more time.

As opposed to turning left or right. What do you mean? So if you go through a heavily trafficked intersection that has a light. Okay. Right? Like Hollywood and Highland. Sure. That's a very busy intersection in California.

If you, instead of going through that intersection, if you go one street over and avoid the light, even though you're crossing four or five lanes of heavy traffic, you will still go through faster than if you waited at the light. Oh. Yeah, I don't like the way Ways makes you go left on like five lane roads. You get nervous, don't you? No, it's just, it's just too much. activity while I'm driving. I want to kind of zone out and just make a left like and not think about it and idle at the light. Well, there you have it, folks. Dick's the problem we have traffic because people, a lot of people think like you, Dick.

They get nervous. They don't want to think about it. I didn't say I was nervous. I said I just want to zone out. Yeah, they don't want to think about it that much. It's not nervousness. No. With me, it's war. My heart, my heart rate pumps. It's you. I'm not nervous. Your pulse is pounding. Yeah, because I'm, I'm angry. I'm angry. I'm angry. and everybody else idling through life. I think that if everybody just stepped on it, look, get rid of your brakes. You don't need to stop ever. Just keep going always. I don't like to touch my brakes.

Yeah. Not necessary. The rest of this goes on. It says engineers even hate left-hand turns. This guy named Tom Vanderbilt, he wrote a book called Traffic. He said, it's either a car stopped in an inactive traffic lane waiting to turn left, or even worse, it's cars in a dedicated left turn lane that when traffic is heavy enough, requires its own dedicated signal phase, lengthening the delay for through traffic as well as cross traffic.

And when traffic volumes really increase, as in the junction of two suburban arterials, multiple left turn lanes are required costing even more space and money. Left turn lanes are a problem, Dick. They may be the biggest problem in the universe. Yeah, but I'm thinking about my favorite left turn lanes, right? Because I love that. And I'm sure you have them, too. Of course I do. Yeah. Yeah, because I grew up in my hometown. I spent a lot of years there. I learned to drive there.

And it's not a city grid. Like, L.A. is a grid. New York is a grid. You can miss big turns and make a bunch of rights or get on a podcast and say that you make a bunch of rights, even though you definitely don't. But in anywhere else that's not a big city, you kind of got to have a left turn.

Like, there's, Sean, there's an intersection. There's a very specific intersection. I think it's right next to that McDonald's. Is it Soladad and... Boquet? Yeah, it's an intersection in the town where I grew up. Okay. And if you don't make that left,

there is no ability to make a bunch of rights to get around... Because there's a mountain on one side of the intersection and a canal on the other. All right, Dick. You see what I'm saying? So what do we do, Maddox? Okay.

How do you not stop that? You go, you flip a bunch of bitches down the road? Here is the problem. You're going to McDonald's. Okay, that's the problem. Don't go to McDonald's. Then you don't have to worry about that left-hand turn. Go someplace that doesn't require you to take a left-hand turn.

Or here's the thing. If you're surrounded by mountains and canals, it sounds like traffic really isn't fucking heavy in that region. Of course it is. That's a real city. That's a city. It doesn't sound like it if there's mountains around. And you didn't say you were going to McDonald's. No, I didn't say it was a landlord.

He's just assassinating my character because that's how he argues. You like McDonald's. Me and my gimmicks over here. You fucking. Oh, dick. It's a landmark. What? McDonald's? Yeah, it exists. Okay. I wish it didn't.

But here's the thing, Dick. If it's, if the traffic, look, this isn't a, this isn't a general rule. Sometimes you can't avoid a left. If there's nothing else for miles and miles, you got to turn left, or plan ahead and maybe turn left. You know what you can do is you can go past the turn that you need to make and go through the median. Do that. I'm about to blow your mind. Yeah. You ready for this? Yeah. Three little words. Roundabout Yeah Okay Where my sister lives This little town

Yeah In Indiana They're mayor Very progressive guy Lot like you probably He took out all the intersections And replaced them With roundabouts

So there's no stop signs There is no left turns He's killed the left turn You get in that roundabout And you're slinging around To go to the other side Dude you never have to stop in this town You can get buzzed

Throw a couple beers in you head home at like... Okay, you're losing everyone, Dick. Okay, wait. Respond to the first part that I said. And then I'll get to the bombing around town feeling like you are totally invincible because there's no stop signs.

You never have to stop. You can even hook the thing in the middle, the little grass part in the middle, the little patio. Like if you time it right, you don't even have to slow down. You can just clip that thing a little bit and chirp over it. And it slows you down. Well, it's an obstacle that you're running over.

Sure. But if you cut the corner right, you don't have to slow down to make the roundabout thing. You see what I'm saying? You just hop over the little bit. Hop over the, yeah. Wow, okay.

You'd love it. That's actually true. There have been efficiency studies. Mythbusters even did an episode about this. They were trying to decide whether or not four-way stops or roundabouts were faster. Roundabouts blew it out of the water. Roundabouts are a potential solution to left-hand turns. Because nobody knows when to go at a four-way stop.

They don't know the order. Yeah, people aren't paying attention. You know, Sean, if I get to a four-way stop and it's someone else's turn, but they're not looking up or they didn't see me, I just fucking blast right through them. That's for stop signs, I should say. Yeah. Not lights, I guess.

How much time do you give them to figure out that move, Maddox? About a second. One second is a limit. Half of a millisecond? Especially if they are on their cell phone, I will slowly turn left and flip them off and honk to make sure they look up. Like, hey, idiot. I'm sure half the time they don't even know why I'm flipping them off.

They're fucking idiots. Anyway, Dick, yeah, roundabouts are a potentially to bring that in. Well, I kind of blew my wad here, though. I remember driving around there thinking how excited you would be that not only do you not have to slow down, but everybody is a better driver with the roundabouts. Because they're terrified of them. So they start thinking when they approach them.

Now, I should say this, Dick, UPS did this route alternation where they made their routes avoid left-hand turns. They said that that only applies to commercial areas. So generally, if you're in a commercial area, that's the only time you should avoid left-hand turns. a residential area, there isn't a lot of traffic around, you're just coming to a bunch of dead intersections because you're living in a fucking cul-de-sac somewhere, who knows? That's when you can turn left and it doesn't matter.

Anywhere between L.A. and New York. Anywhere between those two places. How do you feel about one-way streets? They're conducive to right-turn onlys. They are. I'm okay with them except for cities that go nuts with them. Portland, Oregon is one of them. San Diego is another one, where it almost becomes, impossible to get where you're going because you have to know, you have to live there and you have to memorize which streets are up and down. And it's not every other one sometimes. They don't stagger

them like they should. Sometimes it's like three in a row or one way. I'm like, well, what the fuck am I supposed to do here? I got to punch us into GPS again. Now there's a bridge in my fucking way. I don't know where the fuck I'm going. I just go home. That's what I do. I pack up my car and go home. Not coming to Comic Con this year. Sorry, guys. I can't figure out how to get anywhere in this fucking city. Anyway, Dick, that's my problem. People who turn left, left hand turns. Well, wait, people who turn left or left-hand turns? People who turn left. So in your, in your ideal world, would it be illegal? Because remember, right on red was illegal at one point. Yeah. Would left on green be illegal? It should be, you should be made fun of, made to feel

small. Okay. You should be belittled. And you should, there should be, it should be like a shame response. Like, people who turn left should be shamed. There should be people who mock them and make them feel small. Car manufacturers should build it into the car when you activate your left turn signal

it should just scream I have a small cock like a siren. Or maybe just like instead of a little TikTok noise just idiot, idiot idiot, idiot

yeah, that'd be great yeah my left hand turn signal by the way I bet that lights practically brand new you could probably sell that thing on eBay because you don't signal

I never signal left because I'm never turning left all right that's my problem dick people turn left idiots All right. My problem, I don't know what to call this problem. You want to help me out with this one?

Yeah. It's an update about my man. Okay. And you'll have to give everyone a recap of view of your man. My man is, you know, in some cultures, they call them a valet. Oh, yeah. I don't want to say Butler because I think that's a bit demeaning for how important he was in my life. I met a man at Burning Man. Yeah.

Who my, I brought home with me. Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Just, you know, to hang out at my apartment. He was having a rough time at home. His girlfriend had just cheated on him a bunch of times.

He just found out about it. He didn't have a job. You brought home a homeless person. I guess, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Who camped out in your living room for like a month. Yeah, and watched Breaking Bad and Bojack Horseman instead of getting a job.

Instead of getting a job. He's a great guy, though. But, you know, he's my man. He's your man. He's my, I would refer to. him like who's this guy that is sleeping in your apartment and hanging out with you all the time he's like he's just my man

don't worry about it he's walking around and his and his tidy whiteies making eggs for you that sort of thing yeah you know if he thinks I need some eggs made for me he would do that that's what a man does for you he's there a euphemism I don't know Sean he's there to anticipate your needs

you see what I'm saying not in a sexual way yeah would he uh would he would he shave for you dick if he needed to Oh, that's a good point I'll tell you I'll tell you what he would use though if he was shaving me

because today's show is brought to you by Harry's Please visit harries.com And use the promo code Biggest Problem to save $5 off of your first purchase Do you use? So Maddox and I were sent Harry's shave kits To use. I still use mine too Yeah, I'm saying this honestly

It did have a significant impact In my life because I shave now all the time Because I don't want to look like a bearded fuck Yeah That's what's what's in style now to look sloppy. Beards are pretty cool. They don't always look sloppy. Yeah. But I do

use it all the time. Yeah, no, I use mine to trim my beard. It's, those blades, I don't know what they make them make, like titanium or something, but my whiskers are pretty fucking tough. And normal blades only last like two or three shaves before I have to throw them out. These Harry's ones have lasted me weeks and weeks. Well, Harry's bought a blade factory in Germany that has been, I don't know if you were setting me up for this,

but they've been, that German blade factory has been crafting some of the world's highest quality blades for almost a century. Yeah? By cutting out the middleman, they can offer an amazing shave at a fraction of the price of drugstore brands. Give Harry's a shot.

How about that? Yeah, thanks for supporting us, guys. That really helps out the show. And if you do get a Harry's package, take a picture and tweet it at us and we'll retweet it to Harry, show them that our listeners are... Yeah, because that's what they respond to.

That actually happened last time. A few fans, like send me photos of their hair. Packages and they said hey thanks guys. What really? Yeah. Oh shit, I didn't know that. Yeah, and I tweeted it at Harry's. Yeah, so do that.

That really helps out of the show. Anyway, Dick, so... Barry's his way. Go to Harries.com. They'll give you five bucks off your order if you put in biggest problem. Biggest problem is the promo code for five bucks off. Thank you, Dick.

Yeah. So back to your man. So back to my man. Yeah. So you might remember that the last man update I had... So after living in Hollywood for a month, yeah. I said, man.

you gotta get out of here. That's enough. Like, you looked for a job, you had some early successes, but, you know, he's going through, like, a lot of things at once. I'm like, all right,

so go take off for a little while. Right. You're always welcome to come back and be my man. Sure. Okay? But you gotta go regroup. You got to go regroup.

Yeah. You know? Otherwise, you get stuck in a rut. Yeah. We can't have that. I can't have ruts in my life. No. Everything's got to be chaos all the time.

You're smooth, smooth going. Smooth going dick. What does that mean? I don't know. All right. I was trying to say something more eloquent and I stumbled upon myself

sounding like an idiot, go on. So he goes, let's just say you know, I want to call this, I want to say that any resemblances to real people in this story are entirely coincidental. However, what he did was he went up to stay in a place I'm going to call

the kingdom of weed. That's where he went to live. He found a new place to crash. Is it to Sean's apartment he moved? You set up. a bitch. All right, let that,

yeah, go on. I hate you so much. What? Why? John lives in a house, not in a funny. Yeah. So,

so he went to the kingdom of weed, yeah. He went to the kingdom of weed. And in the kingdom of weed, it's, it's ruled by a, by a, by a Duke and a Duchess of weed,

all right? Okay. Let's say, let's say that. All right. That's their name. Yeah. Okay.

All right. So my man wanders into weed kingdom. Uh-huh. And, The next thing I know, several weeks later, this is the last time we left this story, is I get a text message from my man saying, hey, the Duke of Weed wants to kill me, and he wants to kill you too.

Oh, yeah. I remember that. You teased it. I teased it, and I didn't feel comfortable talking about it because it's just salacious gossip. Yeah. All right? Yeah. And I'm not one for salacious gossip.

No. You know me. I'm all about facts. Yeah. But I didn't feel like it was my story to tell. However, now it's pissed me off. Now it's a big problem. And it's a big universal problem.

Man. So, I said, well, what did you do? It goes, well, nothing. I'm like, when a guy threatens to kill you, you probably did something, even if it was a misunderstanding. Yeah. All right? So here's my interpretation of what happened. There was friction in the house of weed.

Mm-hmm. All right? Between the Duke and the Duchess of Weed. Uh-huh. All right? Okay. Next thing you know, the Duke is gone. I know where this is going.

The Duke of Weed. The Duke of Weed is gone. All right? So, why do you know where it's going? Why are you already laughing? Because there's some friction. I've seen this script play out across countless relationships in my life. I know what's happening.

And I seem to have a lot of them in my sphere. Yeah. Right? Okay. This is well known. So, Duke takes. takes off. And I said, oh, well, how did that happen? Man. He goes, nothing. I didn't do anything. Like, all right. Next time I talk to him, guess who's shacking up? Guess who's the new Duke?

Yep. Of weed. Oh, man. He, my man. The ball's on this guy, right? He shacks up with the kingpins duchess? Whatever, yeah. That's where we're at. That's where we're at when I didn't want to get into it. Wow. Okay. Okay. So, that's balzy. Very balzy. Duke of weed rolls back into town. Weeks, weeks later, maybe even months later, since the last update. Because I just got a call from my man. Yeah. And he says, hey, Dick, just wanted to see how it's going. I got a job working in a brewery. I was like, oh, all right. That's pretty cool. He's like, yeah, I'm making $10 an hour. Yeah. Standing on a factory line like Leverne and Shirley. He goes, everyone makes fun of me

Because I have a degree He's got an engineering degree Oh yeah, that's true And he says after after Student Loans and rent And like all the Necessities of Life He ends up making zero dollars an hour

And everyone on the factory assembly line Calls him the professor To his face This is like kids making fun of him So this is his life Right now, all right? Which he could very easily get out of this ridicule By saying hey guys

beer is my passion shut the fuck up and a story. Well, right? Really? Yeah. I don't know. I think people zero in on what you're vulnerable to, and they're really good at exploiting it with nicknames. You know what I mean? He seems like the type of person who would be bothered by it, too. Was he bothered? He must be. No, but he was like a real happy go lucky guy.

Yeah, okay. So he's not really bought. He's like, yep, you got me there. I sure do. I sure do value my degree, and here I am bottling beers at a brewery. Good. So it's not sticking. Good. Yeah, well, it's sticking, because it's still funny. So the Duke of Weed comes back into town. Guess whose phone starts blowing up? So he goes, oh yeah, I'm working at this brewery,

and my phone just started blowing up that I'm going to get murdered again. Right? And the reason I'm going to get, the reason I get roped into this is because the guy thinks I taught him how to do this. I taught him how to break up relationships. Yeah, I mean, either directly or indirectly, he learned from you, Dick. Do you think that? Well, I think, okay, I will say this.

There's more than a 50% chance that he did. That he did. Learn from you, yes. And then I don't even know it. That you don't even know it. Just because of my, like, the way I purport myself. Yes, your aura of just, like, homewrecking. Well, see, because I tell people this story, and they're like, the part that trips them out is the, and he wants to kill you two part.

But that's the part I get. I'm like, I could see that. He wants to kill the professor. Yeah. The actual professor, not him. Yeah, at the source. He wants to kill him. Okay, that's a little bit nuts.

Look, no matter what you say to somebody, let's say you literally sat this guy down, your man. Yeah. And he said, listen, man, here's how you do X, Y, and Z to become an awful person. And he went and did that. Sorry, wait a minute, awful person. What are we talking about? Awful person.

Oh, yeah, you don't. Well, breaking up relationships. The relationship is, it breaks up. You're cleaning up the broken up relationship by swooping in. You just think that everything just in the world just happens around you, and you're just an observer, like a transcendental eyeball walking through and things just happen, right? Yeah, pretty much. I'm just there making my comments, you know. So it's pretty insane that this guy would want to come after you instead of the person who did the thing, who did the thing, right?

So then, I think all of it's insane, and that's what I'm going to get to my actual problem, which is what this is. So the Duchess of Weed now tells my man, Hey, so I'm a little bit worried about these texts that you're getting. For a little bit, why don't you go sleep in the other room? In case, just in case somebody were to show up in the middle of the night. Good idea, I guess. Good idea! Oh my God!

Well, it's this rage that, that happens when you're not allowed to bang someone anymore that drives guys insane. What are you talking about, Dick? What do you mean? What are you talking about? Like the end of a relationship, not being allowed to ban, not being able to bang a woman you want to bang,

causes insane behavior. Really? Yeah. Okay. I don't know if I've experienced this. What exactly are you talking about? So what happened to your man when he went and slept the other room? That's it.

So that was the conclusion of his story. So now I'm sleeping by myself. Oh, and by the way, I've been shitting in an outhouse for the last three months because our plumbing is broken. That's the update. That's the final update. Great. But the problem is, the problem is the manifestation of this, I don't know if it's jealousy or regret or whatever it is, this anger that guys have. When they can't bang a woman they want to bang turns into this, like, ridiculous violence and threats of violence.

Oh, you're talking about the Dutch. The Duke. The Duke. Yes. Yeah. The male Dutch. Von Dutch. I'm talking about him.

You're talking about him. Tell me you haven't experienced this before. Oh. Guys losing their fucking minds because they can't bang some girl anymore. Chill out, dude. No, exactly. Yeah, no, that's desperation. Yeah, that's desperation.

You know what that guy is? Is a chump. That's a textbook chump. Because you can't get laid. You can't find another girl. So you've got to sit there and obsess and stock and creep and threaten. Yeah, you're going to get some texts. No.

Why? I just said that to like 40, 50,000 people. Yeah, what? What are you talking about? Yeah. I think that's accurate, though. No, they're chumps. You're chumping yourself.

These guys haven't gone through the work of self-improvement to figure out what they're doing wrong to be able to attract women and their fucking pussies. And they sit there and obsess about their ex who's moved on with their fucking lives. Look, man, you break up with someone or someone breaks up with you. That's the end of it. Look, maybe they like you, maybe they don't. Maybe they moved on with someone else. but if you sit there and obsess and stalk and harass and threaten the new person they're living with, you're a fucking pathetic loser.

And I think, the reason I think it's a big problem is because I have never not dealt with this. Every chick I've ever dated has a guy sending her text exactly like this. Yeah. I have dated, I have dated girls who did get texts like that. Like, oh, who's this new guy? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. They're trying to, you know, stalk and threatening and harass. And I'm like, wow.

I just sit back cool as a cucumber. I'm like, oh, that guy's. sounds like he's having a rough time. Yeah. Sounds like he's having a real rough time. Yeah. So what would you call that? What the guy does?

What this problem is? Yeah, I like the chumpness. Chump syndrome. Chump syndrome. That's great. Chump syndrome. That's way better than what I was going to call it pussy grapes. Pussy grapes?

Like sour grapes? Yeah, except pussy grapes. Like, dude, you got some big, you got some, a major case of pussy grapes on you right now. No, I don't know, man. I think these are pathetic guys who can't figure their shit out. I don't want to say they're pathetic because it happens. It happens. Everybody gets it a little bit.

I feel it a little bit. I'm like, God, I really want to bang that girl. Like, I got to go work out or drink or something. Yeah. Well, that's how you handle it. You handle it with either alcohol, which is destructive, or working out, which is building you up. But a lot of people sit there and obsess and they stock,

and they can't get over it. They can't get past it. And you know, I've experienced it more from women than guys. Like, women do this to me sometimes. Oh, well, you lead women on, though. Oh, I don't lead women. Come on. Get out of here.

Yeah, you're friends with women, though. Yeah. You know, I think that's leading them on. You know what I mean? You think it's leading a woman on to be friends with her? I think that there's a gray area between, like, friends. Yeah. And then, like, there's a chance if we get drunk enough, I'll nail you.

And within that gray area, I think you spend some time. I, you know what I'm saying? And I don't. That's my neighborhood, you're saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You live right. in the middle of that gray area. I go to all those bars in the gray area, right?

You're a hundred shades of gray in that gray area. Yeah, Dick. They know you at the door at that gray area. No, no. It's happened a few times where I'll be hanging out with the chick and she gets a wrong idea and she starts to flirt with me or she, you know, starts inquire as to the condition of my penis, et cetera, et cetera. So then that's when I realized like, okay, I need to nip this in the butt.

I need to express myself and say, look, I'm not, I'm not, you know, this isn't going to happen. It's not a thing. And I never get drunk enough. I never get so drunk that I'm going to make that kind of sloppy mistake. I know myself. I just never would. They're waiting forever for that to happen. Yeah, I know they are. I'm going to blow this guy when he gets a couple beers in him. I'm going to trick him. Yeah. Yeah. That's a problem. Yeah, that's sexual assault if I'm too drunk, ladies. I will write an article about it in Rolling Stones. Anyway, Dick, yeah, okay, good problem. Chump, uh, Chump syndrome. Trump's syndrome. Yeah, that is a good problem. And it's more pervasive, I think, than people think.

And it's fucking with this guy's life. Yeah. Right? You got to go sleep by yourself. Well, he doesn't have to. This guy could get his ducks in a row and not fucking hook up with this drug dealer's girlfriend. All right, all right, dealer, whoa, I'm using cute euphemisms for these things. Let's settle down. Yeah, you know, if he got his shit together too. Look, man, if you're going from relationship to relationship, and meeting these people who have like this weird baggage and all this drama and shit in their lives. Like, you got to at some point stop and look at yourself and say, what am I doing wrong? Why am I attracting these people to me? Because I'm fun.

Okay. And fun people are crazy. All right. Yeah, I guess. I mean, sometimes, sure. People who have their shit together have to go home at 10 p.m. Yeah. You know, it'll work the next day.

But, you know, Dick, to the point of this being the biggest problem in the universe, which is not. This only affects at most single people and at most single chaotic people. People who have families and kids and they're in stable relationships don't... No, no, no, no. I think this affects everybody. You think that there's... You think just because the girl's in a relationship or she's married, there isn't a guy there who wants to bang her so bad that he's causing her problems?

Well, sure. I feel like most women probably have it. Yeah, and this is Women's Month. Did you know that? It's Women's Month? Yeah. Huh. It's always after Black Month.

Black Guy Month. Now it's women's month. Black Guy Month and then... February is Black Guy Month. Yeah. March is Women's Month. Oh. Even though it has St. Patrick's Day

right in the middle, I don't think they would want that month. No. Personally, maybe they might want like a spring month. What would they... They don't get a choice in it, though. No. What would you do to celebrate Women's Month? Yeah, I don't know.

I think that's real. Women's... Yeah, they say there's also International Women's Day. Uh, anyway. Okay. A real minority group, these women. So, okay, Dick. Trump syndrome.

Trump syndrome. Good problem, not the biggest problem. Do you want to do yours? I mean, we're running out of time. We only got five minutes left. We took forever giving a man update. Yeah, okay. Well, then maybe I'll hold this off for next week. This is a pretty big problem, too. But we can talk about how Sean is becoming, our very own Sean, is becoming a meme. Right, Dick? Great. Yeah. So, you have this, you have this, right, Dick?

Yeah, Hero Greg, I think he was. Hero Greg sent a tweet in about Sativa Sean. Do you see these, Sean? I have not seen these. It's just, it's you. It's a picture of you. Here. So it's a picture of Sean who is placed over a background of just weed leaves,

and then he's memeified Sean, and it says what, Dick? Here's you. You see it? I'm looking down. I told him I was ass farming, but really, I was out grass farming, man. It's the man card. What's the other one?

My instruments were stored in an improper area. I don't know. I don't get that one. No, because I said that. Yeah, Sean said that in a few episodes. I said my equipment was stored in an improper area. No, it's true. Yeah.

No, no, no. It's true. I have, I have... Oh, I remember that. No, I have friends who grow for the co-ops in Los Angeles. Yeah, it's a total clean operation. And Sean doesn't smoke. We should make that clear, right?

No, I haven't... Not in years. Not in years. Me either. Yeah. As long as we're making things clear. Dick. Here's another one.

But it's true that my equipment did come in reeking like weed. Oh yeah, I walked into the studio and the entire studio smelled like pot. I'm like, when are you guys lighten up in here? What's going on? The biggest problem in the, here's another one. The biggest problem in the universe is that people are focused on all the problems. Life is precious. We need to just love each other, man.

Do you say that? No. Does that sound like me? No, it doesn't sound like you. I mean, I don't know, Sean. I haven't seen you blazing. Jesus. I think that's it.

Oh, no. Here's the last one. Maybe the podcast, like, deleted itself, man. Oh, my God. Actually, you know what, though? That's more creative than what's been going on lately. People are still giving you shit about that, right, Sean? Oh, yeah.

No, and I like it. I just want more creativity out of the 2% of your fans that aren't borderline retarded. Yeah. Whoa. Oh, boy. Here you are, Sean. You just opened the floodgates. I did.

There it is. No, that's... Actually, the fans are great. Too late. I get nothing but nice emails. Do you really? Yeah, I do. Like, what kind of a nice email do you get?

I do. No, like, uh... You get... Do you ever get any from chicks? Uh, I have. What, really? Oh. What'd say?

Uh, it said, delete me with one of those little faces, uh, what the... Emojis. The colon. Yeah, the colon, and then, like, the capital P. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It's hot. There's some blonde girl, I guess.

What do you mean you guess? I don't know if it was her. You got a picture? Yeah. What? What the? What? Hey, what's going on here?

Absolutely nothing. What do you mean some blonde girl? What did she look like? Some blonde girl. Look like a young blonde girl. Yeah. That's exactly how I pictured it. A young blonde girl.

Was she hot? Did she look hot? She was making a really weird face. Okay. Like she was being funny, maybe. You know, like it's like, I got you. Did it look like this? Was the face like this?

Dick is making a dick is making a dick sucker. face, which he did too well. Sean, you know what that look was that she had in her picture is the look of seduction? Sean's never seen that before. Oh, God. Do you have it on your phone? I want to see it. We won't post it, but I want to see it.

No, I don't have it. Really? As far as you know, I don't have it. We use Gmail, though, so I know you have it. All right, getting creepy. Okay, so, Sean, yeah, I, is kind of like the show here. I get a lot of emails and messages from people. They're like, yeah, Sean should really bring in a problem.

I want to. I will. Bringing it in on 52. Bring it on the 50-second episode. All right. You know what happens a lot of times, too, is that right after we stop recording, Sean will chime in with either a comment about the problems that we had or a problem of his own, and he just go on for like 10, 15 minutes. We're like ranting about this thing. I'm like, Sean, that's a really good problem.

You should bring that in. He goes, no, not researched enough. Well, I don't want to be another dick. Oh, no one wants that. Oh, right. Maybe you shouldn't bring in a problem. It shows already stuff with dick. So what were your problems?

You want to go? I'm going to play some voicemails on the way out, but what's your problem? My problem this week was people who turn left. Biggest problem in the universe. Look, this affects the economy. This affects mortality rates. This affects reproduction. This affects gas.

Yeah, gas prices. It exacerbates the war in the Middle East. The war in the Middle East, terrorism, ISIS is exacerbated because people turn left in the Midwest. Yeah. And my problem is Trump syndrome. It affects my man. All right, Nick. Yeah, it affects one person. I mean, that should

rank somewhere on the list in the positive territory. He's a good guy. Does that matter? Yeah. Yeah. I guess we'll see. Yeah. Well, that's it, guys. Thanks for listening to another episode. Thanks for supporting us with Harry's. Don't forget to check that out. You get $5 off with that coupon code.

Thanks for listening. To the Arkansas. This is for Maddox. I don't fucking understand how you're like, oh, nobody's going to watch a 25-minute long live show, but you expect your fans to listen to a goddamn hour-long podcast each week. I mean, what a fucking hypocrite. Anyways, you guys are doing the Lord's work. That came up a lot, but that guy phrased it best.

Yeah, yeah. Well, it's too bad that he made a dumb shit argument, because first of all, if he's not going to listen to the entire podcast, He's not even going to hear himself. He's not going to hear him becoming immortalized on this podcast. Well, he was saying that it's hypocritical that we expect people listening to an hour-long podcast, but not a 25-minute YouTube episode. Yeah, because listening is different than watching, isn't it, Dickheads?

You can do something else while you're listening. You can't while you're watching. People listen to this podcast while they drive. I get a lot of emails from truck drivers. There was a guy a couple weeks ago who sent me his dash cam footage. He said someone like swore. and fish-tailed, and he almost, he almost wrecked. And you can hear our podcast on in the background.

Oh, really? Yeah, it was really cool. Yeah. Where is that? I'll post the video somewhere. Maybe I'll post it on the episode this time, the episode page for this week. Yeah, but, yeah, people watch and listen differently. I can listen to hours and hours of talk radio or podcasts in the background, but I'm not

going to sit there and watch an hour of YouTube videos unless that's all I'm doing. Hmm. All right. I'm in class right now I just wanted to say Dick you're an asshole Tell Dick that he's a fucking giant

piece of shit that he should kill himself Goodbye Tell him yourself Yeah he's He called it into So we played his voicemail And he wants me to tell you

That you're a giant asshole And you should kill yourself Oh yeah Did you get that message? Yeah Okay thanks Fuck you dick I don't know what I did

Short. Take it for yourself. A lot of them. Short and sweet. Yeah. A lot of them. You can tell that guy was like laying down in bed or something and he just like got the idea to call into the show. He's like, oh yeah, fuck you, Dick.

Yeah. Click. Hey, guys. It's Daniel here. I was listening to your last podcast and you mentioned the Dove Campaign for Beauty and it dawned on me. That's right. And nobody has called Dick beautiful. So here it goes.

Here goes, get this self-esteem boost dick. Thanks. Dick, you are beautiful. In fact, you do not have a small face at all. Your face is the appropriate size for your head. Thank you. You are not too ugly to live. Actually, you are ugly enough to live.

You can go fuck yourself whenever you like, and not when others tell you. You're beautiful. It's very empowering. Yeah, thanks, I guess. Hey, guys, Chris from Kentucky. Hey, I love the live show and all. I don't want to be one of those douchebags who complains about being too short.

But I would like to hear more about the social problem. Like, I would really like to hear more about some of the problems in a little more depth. So I really can't wait for the long versions. Thanks. Yeah. All right. Well, that's pretty thoughtful commentary. That's a good point.

I really want to talk more about student loans. Man, we would have loved to. The live episodes, we did record a lot more, and we had more information. And a lot of people said in the comments that the live episode seemed scripted. Guys, this wasn't scripted. We did hire writers, and they helped us write a few jokes and do some research, some of which made it on the air, some of which didn't. But for these episodes, look, every single one of these episodes, I have this big file that I print. It says, this episode 43.

This one's called Episode 43 underscore script. It's not an actual script, but it's research and opinions. I have three pages of text in front of me, and this isn't necessarily a script for the show. This isn't a scripted podcast, and that wasn't a scripted live show. No. That is, however, one of the best compliments you can give

an unscripted show is to say that it sounds scripted because that means you think that we sat around and researched and researched it. And rehearsed it. Yeah, that's amazing. That's a great compliment. Fuck you, idiots. It doesn't feel like a compliment, though.

Thank you. I'll take it. Too late. I took it. All right, I got another song by Waterboy. I'll let's hear it. Yeah. I know it's true.

What's irrational about plugging into a dude? I know it. What? What's a rational about plugging into a dude? It is true. What? Rational about plugging into a dude. I know.

X and Y and D is true. What? Yeah. I know what true love is Because I just want some babies I know what true love is Because I just want some babies I know what true love is

Because I just want some babies I know a true love is Because I just want some babies Ah, great