The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 45

Episode Date: May 18, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe. I'm Maddox with me is Dick Masterson. Hey, what's up funny? And Sean, our audio engineer. Hello. Welcome back, welcome back, people. All right, Dick. Right out the gates.

All right, you're full of fire today. Oh, you bet. I wonder why that is. Yeah, no particular reason, but let's get to the votes from last week, shall we? Well-intentioned idiots. The number one problem from last week, Dick. It cleaned house. Yeah.

Followed by the Huffington. The No, Fington Post, the number two problem last week. Both my problems, both problems I brought in. Cleans sweep. What a hero. What an intellectual hero. And then unsolicited advice, that was John Morrison's. Yeah, problem.

Uh-huh. I'm shocked that that didn't win. Unsolicited advice is so much more annoying than well-intentioned idiots. You know what I think it was? I think it was my Obamacare tag at the very end of your argument that really won people over. You think that's what it was? I saw a guy in the comments saying that I ruined it with my libertarian agenda by mentioning Obamacare at the end.

That should be a square on the space. That should be a space on the square. Libertarian agenda. Yeah, your libertarian agenda. So a while back, that guy, what's the name? Call the Cops, I don't give a fuck, whatever, made that bingo scorecard, then another fan randomized it and created a playable sheet. So I guess we can link to it again this episode.

and you can play along at home, play bingo, biggest problem being out. It was smartphone fact-finding fuckheads. But it was in the negatives. In the negatives. Well, it makes sense because everyone does it. It's their addiction. Of course they're not going to vote for it. Do you do that, Dick?

No. No, I don't. I really aggressively try not to look anything up. Really? Not even like the spelling of words? Yeah. Any knowledge. Okay.

I reject it. All right. Sean, can you mark the time? that Dick said that for this episode It'll be an easier For a Dick versus Dick And then was Kid Prison Negative 613

Kid Prison Your clever word play Elementary school basically Yeah kids grades K through 12 I'm shocked that that got so far in the negatives Did everyone really like elementary school Do they think they're doing a good job Dick it's an important building block

For critical thinking And all knowledge that we get in life Like we have to have those mental processes and the things that we learn in school are important. Critical thinking? Being taught by a bunch of 24-year-old chicks straight out of college. That's who's teaching our kids critical thinking is taught by a bunch of people who can't even band

together to get a decent wage. Critical thinking is being taught by people who have to bring their own Kleenexes to classrooms because they can't get a bunch of asshole school board people to buy it for them. That's who's teaching critical thinking. Good luck. Yeah, here's some critical thinking. Here's some critical thinking for you, Dick. That's an ad-hom. them fallacy. Why don't you look that up?

Nope. I should have learned in elementary school. You should have. Yeah, if you have dipshit teachers, yeah, you might not have the best education, but if you get a really good teacher, they teach a critical thinking. That's one of the most important tools you can have in your life.

I'm pissed that I used that in the live show because I really want to get into it now. Yeah, yeah. A kid... That's a lot of... A lot of kids' time, when you're a kid, so much of your time is just wasted, doing nothing. Yeah. Just wasted spinning gears, babysitting you so your parents can work.

If you think that kids have to be there all day, like it's necessary for them to be there all day to learn like whatever bullshit, whatever workbook they're slugging through that day. If you think that's necessary and not babysitting, I don't know what to say. All right, Dick. Do you have any examples of kids who say didn't go to school or, you know, dropped out of elementary? It's not about like either going or not. I'm just saying a tremendous amount of time is wasted of these kids' lives. Okay. And it's not something to be proud of.

Well, maybe you can bring it in as a differently named problem, Dick. I'll bring it in his elementary school next time. Elementary school. Elementary school. Okay, bring him in his elementary school. Yeah, because kid prison was some fancy, fancy wordplay, Dick. Why are he smiling? Well, I had a fan.

His name is Greg Simon. He sent in this clip. It's a combination of, well, I'll let you listen and see if you like it. I don't like it already. It's a little bit Dick versus Dick. And here's this specific example that he found. No, I'm more of like a pie in the face kind of guy.

I don't like a bunch of clever word play, all right? I don't like a much of clever word play. Illegal. Illegal. The no fun league. No fun league. I can come up with that. Oh?

Yeah, I ripped that off. Why do you phrase it like that? Why do you say, ask for a rate? You're fucking phrasing on this. This is insane. Man spreading, discontent. That was good one. Real fancy work later.

News casturbation. That was a real good one. Engineering, sexism. You see, because it's a double thing. Love it. What problem couldn't we solve with a little bit of time traveling? Maddox? And that's why he chose this song.

Dick, here's something you can solve with time travel. Indignant co-hosts. Yeah, so anyway, it goes on. It was a whole bunch of Dick versus Dicks where you said you don't like clever wordplay, and yet many of your problems are clever wordplay, including kid prison, Dick. What do you have to say about that? You know, say one thing, do another. That's what America is all about, man.

That's what makes this country great. That's ridiculous. You done with that? Yeah, I'm done. I'm done. You know, somebody wrote in about your problem of well-intentioned idiots. Do you remember? I wish I could play the voicemail, but the guy left a five-minute voicemail.

Oh, man. So, I mean, I don't know what to do. Send it to me, I'll edit it. I'm just going to summarize it. Star Wars Kid. Basically, that guy got way more shit than this poor, that poor fat dancing guy. That's true. And nothing happened to him.

Where is his fucking dance part? Although there was a petition to have George Lucas put him in one of the Star Wars movies, which I believe never happened. Okay. So, yeah, he got nothing. Okay, here's a voicemail for you. Hey, guys, it's Will from Florida again. Hey, Maddox, maybe your problems always get voted down because every single episode you spend the first 10 minutes calling all your fans as idiots. Yeah, maybe that's why.

Hey, dick, go fuck yourself. You know, you idiots, listen, if you think that being insulted in any way affects the score, or you think that it should, you're a fucking moron and you should throw yourself off a bridge. Look, if someone calls you an idiot that doesn't change facts, that doesn't change reality. Just because you're a moron doesn't mean that something should be a lesser problem than another. And by the way, you're wrong. My problems don't, quote, always get voted down. I believe, like, seven of the top ten problems right now are mine. Okay.

So, eat a dick. How about that? And not my co-host. Well, I think all of you guys are beautiful and smart, and you should vote with your hearts. Fucking kiss as. Here's another one. Hey, my name is Slowbo.

I'm out here in Las Vegas, and this message is for Sean. I'm sure glad to see another retarded audio engineer You're a big gig like this one. I sure wish you could delete my extra chromosome, though. You're all white. I agree with a lot of your opinions. You also seem to be retarded.

Okay. Slow-mo. What's that guy's name? Seems like his parents, that was a self-fulfilling prophecy with that name. Yeah. Hey, Maddoch, big fans since the beginning. getting back in the day, I've always checked biggest per, or your website

for new updates. Just wanted to call and say, Dick, fuck you in. Fuck your man. And then blow your man. Taste his hot load. Fuck you. You're an asshole. Fuck his problems. Steve, he would have stopped in the middle

of that to look up the name of your website. It would have ruined the voicemail. Smartphone, in fact. Or he could have just known it. Everyone knows it. I got a comment. Wait, wait, wait. I do have a man update since he brought up my man. Yeah, what's your man update? I got a text from him. Let me read it. He says, he says, hey Dick, I listen to, oh, I get this out of nowhere after I told that story about

Trump syndrome. Yeah, and he doesn't listen to the podcast, does he? He does. So I listen to it with the Duchess. He happened to be with her. Okay. She told me to tell you that the toilet is fixed. So, so he's back to pooping inside. And he's back to sleeping in the bed. So what was just a fresher. What happened in that sort of? Well, her ex went a little nuts. Apparently, he also says that the last time, the last thing anyone heard from the guy who got the chump syndrome

who lost the girl. A man, the Duke of Weed, lost a girl, apparently, and now my man is shacked up with her. Okay, so your man shacked up with this dude's ex-girlfriend. The quote from the guys, I don't care if I go to prison for the rest of my life. If

your man shows up, I'll rip his throat out. So Trump's syndrome's really got a hold of him, I guess. But at least he's back to sleeping in the same bed. Yeah, it's quite a grip of chump syndrome. Yeah. Quite a set of pussy grapes on the guy. I don't know. More clever wordplay, pie in the face kind of guy. I got a comment on YouTube from Eddie Wood.

So we showed our very last live episode that we shot at the YouTube space. Yeah. And a lot of people were actually really upset that we're not going to be having more those. It was kind of an experiment. We're seeing if that format works, what works and what doesn't about it. You know, where I think we fucked up is not giving the story of how that show came to be. Oh, go ahead. Which was that YouTube came to you because you won an award from YouTube this week, right? I did, but that's not why they came to me, yeah. Well, but because you're a big YouTube trendsetter. You're like a big shot. They didn't come to me. No, no. Yeah.

You hear that? You hear the inflection on his voice? Who's not allowed on YouTube? Yeah, who's not allowed on YouTube. Yeah, they came to me and they tapped me on the shoulder and said, hey, we really like what you're doing here. That's not like an endorsement of any of my work, obviously, but they said that they like people who put out good quality content on YouTube. Which means getting hits?

No, no, it doesn't. It doesn't. Really? Yeah, of course not. There's a ton of channels on there that get millions of views and hundreds of thousands of subscribers. In fact, I know some of my friends at the YouTube space have more subscribers than I do. and more views than I do, but it's not about that. They were really trying to find people who they felt would be able to carry a talk show. Okay.

And yours truly was one of them. So that's how that show came to be. They said, you know, let's do this pilot program, see how this goes. And they had specific stipulations on what they were looking for, like a 15-minute, you know, mini talk show. Yeah, about that, yeah. And so, yeah, we paired it down and tried to see if we could do a shorter form format. I think that, you know, some things worked, some things didn't, but we'll be experimenting more in the future.

It's not the last of live shows. And we may be doing live shows on tour at some point. Oh, that would be fun. Yeah. Yeah, totally. But the comment we're getting about the show a lot is people want to see the long form. A lot of people wanted to see the long form, which was surprising to me. And the videos surprisingly do have a pretty good retention rate.

So eat that, Maddox. And then, anyway, I got a comment from that last episode. from Eddie Wood. He said, the real biggest problem in the universe is black people. Okay. More of our enlightened fan base out there.

And then someone wrote back in response to him, Ardip the curse, cuss, whatever, stupid fucking YouTube handles. I don't give a shit. I'm not gonna, I'm gonna stop reading these.

They're so stupid. Okay. Anyway, he said, blacks don't matter. The problem is Jews. Oh, more clever retorts. And then Roger Levy says,

you know, Dick, that last episode, you and John Morrison seemed to really hit it off on the couch and he said, was Dick flirting with John? I think that's a question worth of asking. I'm always flirting with everyone all the time.

Okay, I feel so uncomfortable now. I can't turn it off. That's how straight I am. I don't think that's straight. No, no, that's the definition. Hit on everybody just in case. Even men. That's pickup artist 101.

You always got to be hitting on everybody. Even if it's a guy, you've got to be practiced picking up guys to pick up women better. That's what pick up artists do, man. Yeah, Dick, I think there's another word for that. Three little words. Gay. All right. You want to do a problem?

Yeah, let's do it. Dick, I teased this a couple episodes ago, and I'm finally bringing in in my biggest problem in the world in the universe, or at least the United States, is Utah. Ah, right? Utah, Utah, Utah. The state of Utah. I went back there recently, Dick, to make a little visit, pit stop, in and out, two nights. Just probably like one night too many. I had forgotten, I had almost forgotten how weird that state really is.

And for a lot of people who live outside Utah, which is the majority of people, Utah is a state pretty much in the middle of America. but it's not considered the Midwest because for some reason everyone in America thinks the Midwest is east of the middle of the country so it's just kind of... The Midwest? Yeah.

I count it at the Rockies. That's what you counted, but most people don't. When I say Utah, they don't consider that Midwest. I said, so what is it? Is it West? They're like, no, that's like California and Oregon and Seattle. I'm like, well, then what the fuck is it?

What is it? The Rockies? It's the Midwest. Yeah. It's got to be. Nobody, you know what, though? You say Midwest to a Midwestern person, like somebody from Chicago, which is like more east, and they say, no, no, Utah's not Midwest.

Yeah, but that's what nobody wants to be the Midwest. That's the problem. Like, they're all kind of, they all want to talk their way out of it. I tell you what, man, I would have happily worn that label of Midwest if I, when I, you know, if I was in Utah, I'd be like, yeah, fucking I'm part of something, you know, at least instead of a fucking neighbor to Idaho. Anyway, man, here's something about Utah, right? It's a very conservative state. You know that, right? I've heard of...

Yeah, I've heard that. Yeah. And according to the Purdue Review, one of the basic tenets of conservatism is this. It is the idea that individuals and not governments have the power and responsibility to drive social and economic progress, that government works best when it is as small, local, and unobtrusive as possible. Sounds like something I would say.

Yeah, it does sound like something you would say. Yeah, okay. So that's a basic tenet of conservatism. Here are things that are illegal or restricted in Utah. Okay. Yeah. Grocery stores are not allowed to sell alcohol. No wine, no liquor. None.

Instead of wine, Dick, I went to a grocery store and I walked down the aisle, and I was looking for wine and with a friend of mine who's not from Utah. And I said, I said, you know, I said to this friend, I said, listen, they don't sell any wine or alcohol here. They're like, no, that's impossible. So we walked down this aisle that looks like There's bottles and bottles and bottles of wine And my friend was like Hey, what's this? And we looked at the labels

And it's all grape juice They sell grape juice in wine bottles In its own aisle? Yeah Like a pretend wine aisle? Like a pretend wine aisle And it doesn't stop there They sell pretend champagne

It's sparkling cider Then this is a religious thing Yeah Isn't it just as bad to be pretending like you're buying wine? Like, just buy the wine then. No, apparently not. You're allowed to pretend to drink wine

and pretend to drink champagne. That's not an affront to God. No. Oh, okay. Yeah, you can fake like it. Yeah. Oh, that's weird. God's okay with the fakers.

So, number two, beer that is sold in Utah must be 3.2% alcohol by volume. Oh, man. Yeah. I can't even imagine that. Oh, yeah. I drank a tall boy in Utah and didn't even feel anything.

I felt like I was just drinking water. It's insane. Wine and liquor can only be sold at state-run liquor stores. So apparently that's okay. It's okay if the state sells it, where the local, excuse me, where the alcohol is more heavily taxed than anything else. So, oh yeah, what's another tenet of conservatism?

Low taxes, right? Except, apparently, when it comes to alcohol. So they have a higher tax rate on their state-owned liquor stores. Isn't it 100%? Like, they own the liquor. it's 100% tax. We own the liquor, we're selling it to you. They still buy the liquor from the manufacturers, though, right?

Yeah. Yeah. So whatever they make, they're just raking in, and then they use that money to pass more legislation for more horseshit drinking laws. Like this one. It's illegal to buy alcohol from a neighboring state and bring it to Utah.

Did you know that? So if you're tired of the shitty alcohol in Utah and say you want to drive up to Wyoming or Nevada, like a neighbor, state anyway and you buy alcohol and bring it back across the border it's like smuggling cocaine into across the border isn't that unconstitutional yeah it's like the fourth article of the constitution was you can't fuck with interstate trade commerce oh well tell that to utah alaska's exactly the same way you can't bring alcohol into alaska there's so many dry counties up there that they

you know they sneak it in from other places like in snowmobiles it's like big it's like serious contraband so why the hell does anyone live there in utah yeah well the way i always explain it to people is it's a great place to start life and to end life. It's a nice safe. Why? Why do you say that? Well, it's nice, safe and quiet to raise kids. And it's nice, safe and quiet to die. Like, for retirement.

If you're looking for a place to die quietly alone, you know, without the intrusions of partying and social life and the things that people look for in a city, Utah is a great place to do that. It's a great place to die. How did you end up there? I was born there. Well, how did your family end up there? Oh, this is kind of interesting.

So my grandma, so I have family that came way back in the day from Syria. Okay. We're ethnically Armenian people. My family's Armenian. And the Mormon church went to Syria as part of their missionary program. Yeah. And they brought my grandma to Utah as the first Mormon family from Syria to move to Utah, to Salt Lake City, Utah. Yeah, and my grandma, in fact, she knit, she hand-knit like a Persian-style rug of all the Mormon leaders, the Mormon church leaders.

And it's, to the day, it's in the Mormon Museum. What? Yeah, in Salt Lake City, yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah, so my family has some pretty deep roots in Utah. And they brought them in, like what? Hey, check it out. This is a, we conned these Armenians into, like, this is an Armenian family?

Yeah. They brought it, like it was it like a spectacle? Like, King Kong? Yeah, basically. And it's kind of... Sounds like it. Yeah, it's weird. It's a really weird thing they do.

They try, they import a lot of, a lot of people. I don't know if they still do this. I think the missionaries go and they convert people in different countries and then they leave them there. Yeah. But my grandma... You're setting up franchises now. Yeah. My grandma came over here as one of the first families.

Oh, that's interesting. Yeah. So here's some more crazy laws. Up until 2009, It was required to buy a membership to a bar if you wanted to drink. Have you ever heard of this dick? Well, yeah, because there's some liquor licenses downtown that are contingent on laws like that, but they'll charge you like, it's like a cover.

You pay five bucks and then you're a member forever. Yeah. But, uh, that's a real thing. Wait, what do you mean? No, there are some bars downtown where their liquor license is grandfathered in, and they don't want to go through the rigmarole of getting a new liquor license, but their liquor license is contingent on them being a membership bar. Oh.

So you have to pay five bucks at the door, and it's like a quote-unquote membership. Oh, interesting. Yeah. Well, this was a law on the books for all bars in Utah until about 2009. So there was like a loophole. It was basically a big joke. You walked into a bar and said, are you a member? And you say, no, of course not.

I'm not going to pay $15 for every fucking bar I go to. So there will be some guy sitting behind the doorman named Carl. And the doorman will say, hey, Carl, you want a sponsor to this guy? And without turning around, Carl, he'll be like, yep. And you just walk right in. So that was a loophole. It was a stupid, silly law. Now, if you're under the age 35, you have to have your driver's license scanned and kept on file for a week.

If you go to... At a bar? Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah. I had to... I double-checked that one. I had to read that twice.

It's pretty crazy. Because they're always trying to make it more difficult and more expensive to drink in Utah. Bartenders at restaurant are required to put up a, quote, Zion Curtin to pour mixed drinks so that impressionable youth can't see them pouring alcohol. What the hell's a Zion curtain? It's basically a curtain of purity. Do you have to buy it from a special store? No, you can, it's some, it's either a curtain, an actual physical curtain or frosted glass or something.

They can't pour alcohol within eyesight of a child. Okay. Or anyone, apparently, because, you know, people are impressionable. They strictly measure 1.5 ounces of alcohol for every shot, and they can't go over. Oh, now I'm in the red now. Yep. You want to double? Well, they can't pour it for you,

but they can give you a shot and the drink you requested and then hand you both and then you mix them. Restaurants aren't supposed to serve you alcohol until your food arrives. They're not allowed to. Wow. Yeah, and you can't go to a restaurant and order alcohol. You have to order food as well. It's weird, man. Yeah.

So people don't go out to meet in Utah? No. Is there a, how do you date? You don't. But how do you? How do people? Just through the church? Pretty much through the church.

I found, when I was living in Utah, I found it incredibly difficult to date. Because if you are not part of the predominant religion, which is the Latter-day Saints, LDS, they don't like to be called Mormons. Of course, you know, I did the episode of other N-words a long time ago, talking about the M-word. M is for Mormon.

They don't like to be called Mormons because they say that that's a stereotype. or whatever, even though their basic tenet of belief, their basic book is the book of Mormon. But they don't like to be called Mormons. They like to be called LDS or Latter-day Saints. Anyway, they kind of like stick together. It was really difficult dating anyone in Utah,

if you're not Mormon, which is... But then when you do, I found that all the chicks are like super into anal. Oh, did you know this? Preserving their virginity. Yeah, Sean looks like he just got hit by a glitter bomb. No, I've heard this before.

Oh, you sound really excited about it, John. Go on, John. Ask Farmer. Yeah. And she over here. No, I've heard this before, but I didn't think the guy was a reliable source, but I know Maddox with his love of stats. Yeah. You know, I'm kind of believing this one.

What was the guy you heard it from? Some guy, you know, 20 years ago. Ask Bangor 25 at we love anal.com. I'm old enough. There was no internet when the... Yeah. Yeah, it's a way of preserving their vaginal purity. Yeah.

The anal sex. And, yeah, I've actually, I had gone out on dates with girls in Utah who were not interested in having any normal sex. Uh-huh. But they were okay. Like, they were considering anal sex. They're like, yeah, well, you know, I want to be a virgin for my husband or, you know, when I get married. Sure. Yeah.

There was also a scandal a while back in Utah about. about, I think, like, 10 years ago where a bunch of kids from the Brigham Young University, one of the big Mormon universities, good business college, they were going up to Nevada, getting married for the weekend, screwing their brains out,

and then getting divorced that same weekend. Oh, no. Yeah, and they'd come home, and, you know, in the eyes of God, they're pure. Because they had sex during marriage. And the girls would be into it, too. Oh, yeah. Oh.

Yeah, it was a loophole. So their god's kind of dumb. Right? Like, if he's cool with that? He's, uh, he's just very meticulous with his rules, Dick, and sometimes there's loopholes in those rules. So he's autistic. Yeah.

It's like, the Mormon god is autistic. Okay, I got it. Now I get it. Yeah. Um, it's also illegal to advertise happy hour in Utah because it promotes over consumption. Hmm. Yeah. No happy hours.

Uh, you aren't allowed to. by kegs in Utah. No kegs. Polygamy, however. So here's the thing. A lot of people don't know this about, the first thing they hear when people mention Mormons or Latter-day Saints is they say, oh, those are polygamists, right? Well, not really. The polygamists, the polygamist sect of the Latter-day Saint religion broke away in 1890. The church officially stopped polygamy as a practice in 1890 as an official stance. And now it's kind of relegated just to a few small sects who live in,

they're basically like cults. That's a bad day for those guys in 1890. Yeah. Can you imagine? Oh, that's why it caused a huge split in the church. Yeah. Yeah, and over time, the predominant one was the one that didn't practice polygamy. However, they tried to outlaw it last year, but a judge throughout the law.

Yeah. Yeah. I guess that's a good thing. People should be allowed to love whomever they want. Oh, yeah, you think so, Dick? Well, same-sex marriage is illegal in Utah. Uh-oh. Yep.

In fact, Utah has explicitly passed a same-sex marriage ban approved by Utah voters, and Latter-day Saint members contributed $20 million towards Proposition 8 banning same-sex marriage in California. That's over 50% of the funding for this proposition that was banning gay marriage in California came from fucking Utah. Okay. By the way, if you're wondering if you're a Midwest state or not, That's criteria number one. What's that?

Are you on an aggressive intrastate campaign to end gay marriage? You're probably in the Midwest. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Fair enough. Then Utah's the Midwest. Right?

Yeah. I'll give you that. And there's a website called protectmarriage.com, and they got 45% of its out-of-state contributions came from Utah. That's over three times more than any other state. So Utah, very conservative, right? Very conservative state, and one of the tenets of conservatism, is to be as unobtrusive in people's lives as possible, right? Except when it comes to gay marriage, alcohol, and pornography. Pornography, actually, is censored in Utah.

I don't know if you know this. A lot of people don't. But if you buy a DVD in, like an adult magazine store or something in Utah, which are really heavily legislated and very few and far between. But if you do buy a DVD, a porn DVD. Uh-huh. The genitals are pixelated. They're censored. Wow. Yeah.

Like Japanese porn. It's like Japanese porn. It's fucking bonkers. It's the most bizarre thing I've ever seen. It's because if someone's masturbating, the last thing they want to see are genitals, right? I mean, a vagina would totally kill my boner if I saw it uncensored. Yeah. It's...

So how does that trick God? The pixels. Well, how does that work? It's a thin veil of purity, dick. Okay. Yeah. It's another kind of, it's a visual curtain. Yeah.

Yeah. A digital curtain, that's what I meant to say. Yeah. And so pornography, and in fact, they try to, they censor it now. And in 2005, they passed a law. This is an actual law. They passed banning internet porn in Utah. Yeah.

Good luck. Yeah, the law was thrown out in 2012. Yeah. Yeah. Speaking of unconstitutional. It would have made internet service providers responsible for filtering pornography from the internet. Okay. This state where they want to be as unobtrusive as possible.

You know what, man? I'm surprised they don't have their own internet. Like with the amount of money that that church has and the amount of crazy that apparently they are, they could just set up their, they could lock the whole state off, like China. Yeah, well, thankfully, one of the best internet service providers in Utah's Xmission. Yeah. My host, so it's Maddox.xMission.com is my website, right? I have been a customer of XMission.

my Utah Internet Service provider since 1995. My email address is older than some of the listeners to this show. I've had the same email address for I think 17 years now. And the Internet Service provider is run by this guy named Pete Ashdown.

He is one of the most progressive, smartest dudes I've ever met. So why the hell is he live in Utah? How can he stand that? Because he's kind of like a beacon for change and a light for hope in Utah in this, in this bleak existence in Utah.

Salt Lake City in Utah is a very liberal city. I would say even more liberal than some blue states, like California and Washington. It's a very, well, maybe not Washington, but it's a very liberal city. And they have to be because they're surrounded by the sea of conservatism. So Pete Ashdown is a pretty liberal dude.

And the mayor of Salt Lake City, Rocky Anderson, a long time ago, was super, super liberal. he led protests against George W. Bush when George W. Bush came to Utah for fundraising, which, by the way, Utah was the reddest state during his election, gave him the vote by the highest margins. Well, you know, let's not get political.

Yeah, no, no, let's not get political. Well, you're making, I mean, you're rattling these things off, but I think this is more sinister than you're making it seem because it sounds like a factory of, um, of fascist. that they're just creating people who hate freedom. Yeah, it's like the way it's set up, so you have to meet through the church, you can't get drunk ever,

and like get outside of your sphere of influence, you can't ever get exposed to new ideas because all of your interactions are through people who think exactly the same as you. Right. So you just believe more strongly, more and more strongly in your own opinions, and then now they're taking that machine

of people, of people, generating money and reaching across the border to affect us. Yeah. Yeah. You know what, Dick, it's even more nefarious than that. When I was there recently, I noticed something that I hadn't noticed before living in Utah. There are a lot of billboards around Salt Lake City that promote some moral stance. In fact, I saw a ton of billboards just reminding people that vaping indoors is illegal in Utah.

why would somebody pay to remind people that vaping indoors is illegal? Yeah, but that's a... I think that's a different problem, because we got those two. Like, domestic violence is wrong. You ever seen those bumper stickers? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, okay. Yeah, we all know that.

But that's not even like a moral thing. That's just, like, illegal as well. It's not passing moral judgment. I mean, it's illegal. Okay, so what's the moral judgment one? Like drinking is bad? Yeah, an abstinence, and real men don't use porn. What?

Yeah, yeah. I've seen billboards that say real men don't use porn. What do they use? Marriage? I don't know. Anal stuff? The, I believe this billboard had a construction worker on it. Like this real, like, beefy-looking construction worker.

They had a construction worker, a cop, an Indian. These are real men. Oh, yeah. We, and you know, they just, they just came from like a model farm, like a model agency

where, where like most of the guys are gay. So they're just having, which, of course, they look down upon as well. Anyway, man, just a couple other. Drug possession is a felony.

You get up to $5,000 fine and a 10-year prison sentence. Powdered alcohol is illegal in Utah. They harass people who go to planned parenthood in Utah. Cops sit there and they pull them over. If you go to a fucking bar and then get a taxi,

a while back there were cops pulling over taxis to do breathalyzer tests on the passengers. So, like, guys, this is the whole fucking point of a taxi so I can get drunk and fucking take a taxi home. They're harassing people. My buddy got a DUI in Utah because he left a strip club, and they just sit outside strip clubs, and they want to pull people over and harass them. So he got a DUI, and he blew well below the legal limit, but they still took him to jail that night because they said, well, you drank some alcohol. Wow.

He was like a 0.04 or something. something like half the legal limit. Yeah. Still, they arrest the guy, put him in jail, just fucked with them. You know, it's just, it's insane. It never fucking ends. This state that they believe in unobtrusive, small governments that don't involve themselves in your lives, except when it comes to your bedroom, what, who you fuck,

what you put into your body, what you smoke, that's when they want to legislate. That's when it's no longer small government that's trying to be as unobtrusive as possible. Fuck you and fuck Utah. And they're trying to come into our state. as well. Yeah. It's the most totalitarian and imperialistic state that we have. Absolutely. I had a buddy of mine

an old co-worker in Utah. I was talking to him one time. He's a pretty conservative dude. And he's like, you know, it was when the Proposition 8 protests were going on in California. He was like, you know, I just, I don't want Californians to impose their values upon us. I'm like, hey, fuckhead.

Californians aren't investing $20 million to pass legislation to make gay marriage legal in fucking Utah, you moron. We're not trying to inhibit, like, prohibit people from doing things that are naturally allowed in the Constitution, let people live their fucking lives. You guys are doing the same to every

fucking other person. You guys are cramming your fucking morality down everyone's throat. And this isn't like a big fucking celebration of liberalism. There's a whole shitload of problems with that shit, as pointed out in the last episode with a well intentioned idiots. I believe most of those guys

are liberals. However, this fucking hypocrisy It's only self-serving. That's all it is. They're looking for small government insofar as they can legislate your private life. No euthanasia, no abortion, no alcohol, no drugs, nothing that you want to do to yourself. And by the way, I don't do drugs. I don't give a shit.

But like, come on. Enough is enough is enough. Like, this hypocrisy is mind-boggling. Yeah, you're coming after my liquor. That's not going to happen. Yeah. Anyway, that's my problem, Dick. It's a good problem.

Yeah. Okay, it's Utah? Yeah. Not people who are in Utah. So you got to move out of Utah. Right? Yeah. Everybody just leave.

Yeah, well, they don't, I don't think they want to. You don't think people who live there want to leave. Yeah, they get comfortable. They get comfortable. And it has a really high depression and suicide rate in Utah, too. That's not surprising. Yeah. And, and, and one last point, one of the largest pornography consumers in America.

Oh, yeah. Of course. Of course. Good. Yeah. All right. Am I problem? Yeah.

Mars one. Mars 1 Mars 1 Mars O-N-E not Mars 1 Mars didn't win anything Mars won the project oh it's a mission Yeah did you do you know about this? Am I the only one that knows about Mars 1? I thought it was a big deal I read about it but let's what what what is John do you know what you're a pretty good barometer of what people don't Yeah it's like sending civilians to Mars right one-way trip one way trip to Mars How does Maddox not know about this? No no I know about this I know about this I I I want to be first on that.

Sign me the fuck up. Send me to Mars, man. Get me out of Utah. Send me right to Mars. Maddox, Maddox. I'm on board. Put me on an Oculus Rift. Fucking send me to Mars.

I don't get a shit. It's a scam, in my opinion. How's it a scam, dick? Look, all right. I was having some drinks with my old college roommate. Yeah. He texts me and he says,

hey, I'm in, I got a long layover at LAX. You want to grab a couple drinks? And I always say yes to this guy. Because he is one of two people I've ever met who can drink more than me. Pretty impressive. Yeah.

So if he ever wants to do anything, I'm in. But he acts worse than you. That is true. He's insane. Yeah. He's an insane, he's an insane genius man. So we sit down and he is a, he's a for real genius. He is a, he's an astrophysicist, and he's been in a real astronaut training program.

Oh, cool. Like, yeah, like NASA called him up. and put him on the list, like, we are thinking of you, we're thinking of making you an astronaut. Here's the program. That sounds awesome. Yeah, you go in with a bunch of potentials. He was going through the steps that he's, like the training and the interview process that he goes through. Yeah.

They go down to wherever, wherever. They don't go in Cape Grenadryl. I think you're somewhere used. It's like a week of training, like weird up-down exercises, weird Victorian-style exercising. Gravity exercises and stuff like that? Yeah, like a lot of isometric stuff. Yeah. You know, and squats and weird squats.

Like stuff that, you know, I don't do. Okay, right? Sure. You'd probably be good at it. Yeah. You ride a bike a lot. You got endurance a lot. I like lifting heavy things.

Yeah, Dick, I don't skip leg day at the gym. You don't go to... Don't give me that. I don't skip leg day. You don't even know what a leg day is. Oh, please. I invented leg days, buddy. What is your leg day workout?

I do squats. I do squats. I do squats with 55 pound weights and 100 pound weights and yeah, I do free lifts and yeah, I do a lot of... That's a short list. That's a short leg day.

No wonder you don't skip it. And then I fucking ride my bike everywhere. I rode my bike 12 miles other day. All right. Yeah. So my buddy, my ex-roomate says... He's telling me about this process, right? And he goes, oh, by the way, have you

have you seen about this Mars 1 stuff? I'm like, yeah, I don't want to hear about it, right? Because I know in my gut, when I heard about the first time, I'm like, scam. Immediately you dismiss this. amazing sounding project as a scam. Yeah, because I have a... Look, look, look, look.

This is a public service that I'm doing right now. Okay. If you were excited about that, if you heard that pitch for Mars 1 one way trip to Mars and you got excited about it and you wanted to be a part of it,

you are an at-risk mark. You are an at-risk group, okay? And I'm not gloating. I'm not... This is what I'm doing for everybody listening. If you got excited about that, you got to watch it because you're at risk for getting

scammed. Oh, yeah? And this is coming from a guy who doesn't get scammed ever. Oh, I don't know about that, Dick. Never. Never. Never. Never. Never. Never. Never. Says the guy who spends money on expensive steak and wine and thinks he's getting a bargain, a good deal, because he's getting more quality. Go on. Tell me more about this scam, Dick. Okay. Why is it a scam? So, Mars won. There's this great article in in Medium. Medium.com about it. Basically, I'll sum it up for you because of time. the entire project is built around a reality television show

what? Yeah, that was meant to fund that was meant to fund the entire trip in 10 years, okay? The guy's plan was to get all these applicants who all have to pay 40 bucks, by the way.

Okay. Yeah, and do a 10-minute YouTube video on why they're qualified to be astronauts to Mars and never, never before. done human endeavor, pay 40 bucks.

Then, the plan was to get their little crew, film them training for 10 years. This is a reality television show that would last for 10 years going to Mars. The guy projected that it would make like $6 billion. Okay. Yeah, based on, let me see it.

Let me find his quote. Because it's hilarious. Yeah, he based the $8 billion estimate on the most recent Olympic Games revenue. So this is a reality show that was meant to be as big and popular and money generating as the Olympics. That's ridiculous. Yeah. That was this guy's plan. Dick, uh, is, is everything you just said 100% fact. Is that absolutely, that is a, that is a quote from the guy. You can go on, they have, they have no relationships with SpaceX. They have no relationships with anybody. Not even NASA?

I thought this was a NASA initiative. No. Really? No. This is a scam. Nothing to do with NASA. I don't want to say it's a scam because it's, what is that? That's slander.

No, it's a scam, dick. Oh, I'll say it. I'll say it. It's a big fucking scam. Fuck you. So this poor guy in this medium article, this dude named Josh, he got sucked into it. And he heard that 200,000 people applied, but he really wanted to go to space. Right?

He wanted to make his life mean something. Right. So he quits his job. He breaks up with his girlfriend in Australia because he wants to commit full-time to being a fake astronaut. Oh, man. Moves back in with his parents so he can train.

And the interview process is just ridiculous. It's asinine. Like they do 10-minute Skype interviews with these people after making them memorize what is essentially a Wikipedia of Mars information. Sure. And that's it. That's the end of...

Now, meanwhile, I'm... at a bar drinking my ass off with a guy who is legitimately being considered to go into fucking space. Yeah. And this is a year's long process that he's going through with the best of the best. Like military pilots, he's a pilot himself. And this is the kind of rigorous training it takes to just go up into space. Meanwhile, these jackasses are doing YouTube videos and paying 40 bucks to some asshole in Norway

or something to go on a 10-year reality show culminating in a one-way trip to Mars. You know, Dick, I might have to change this sound clip to take out the word not. Maybe I think I'm a lot smarter than I am. Wait, what? Or is not. Oh, wait, no, no. You did it. We'll have to edit that clip so that it just says maybe I think I'm smarter than I am.

No. I don't know how to fix that. All right. Maybe I'm smarter than I think I am. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that's still insulting, Dick. Oh, here's the bottom line, Dick. I hate to admit this, but you're right.

You got scammed. This is a scam. Yeah. I didn't get scammed. I'm not on that rocket ship. Yeah, but you're excited. That's the thing about a scam. Dick.

It taps into something and everybody that gets, it's not get rich quick anymore. It's be immortal. It's be part of something. Oh, I want to be a moral. That's what it prays on. Yeah. I think he would have figured it out pretty quickly. Yeah.

Yeah. had done any research into this. Like, I just heard about the Mars 1 project and figured it was some NASA initiative to send astronauts to Mars, which is something they've been trying to do for years. Yeah. I thought that's what this was. If this is just this stupid fucking asinine reality show, that this guy knows nothing about television, knows nothing about marketing, knows nothing about sustaining a TV

show with ratings, knows nothing about advertising and selling sponsorship, knows nothing about space apparently and wants a $40 submission fee, that's, that's, the number one mark of a scam is, is any kind of submission fee. If you're going to talk to an agency or some kind of representation, the first thing they say is don't pay them anything. This guy's taking $40 submissions to sit and talk to you over Skype. What kind of analysis, what kind of background research could they possibly do with your 10-minute YouTube video, you morons? None.

Oh, man. Dick, you really... It's just more marketing. That's why it's. such an insidious thing because the YouTube, it's just people talking about their dreams of going to Mars and getting more people excited. And then they asked, they said specifically on, they sent out this, they sent out this thing, let me find where it was, they wanted 75% of any fee you got for appearing on TV talking about the Mars 1 program. Wow. They asked, they recommended that you send a 75% tithing back to them to fund this fantasy. and by the way, it is a complete fantasy. Yeah.

Complete fantasy that in 10 years will be going to Mars, one way or not. And that's what pisses me off. It's this, they're pitching this idea of being a technology cowboy. Like, it's the culmination of I fucking love science to me, pop science,

that we have a thing where people think they're actually going to go to Mars, that this is actually going to happen when it's not. Yeah. Well, Dick, I have to hand it to you. You're making an awful lot of sense. You earned this, buddy. There you go.

That does actually sound like a scam. Like, in every sense of the word. 75% of the proceeds, that sounds like American Idol. When those contestants go on that show, they sign away their careers and their lives and a lot of their proceeds to record labels. Even before they make their first appearance on the show. Well, I agree with that. You don't think they should do that? Well, whether they should or shouldn't doesn't mean whether it's right or wrong.

You think that's wrong? Well, yeah, because they're exploiting these people who are desperate to get any kind of work or attention. They could do it themselves if they really tried. No way. There's no way Kelly Clarkson or any of those nobodies would be famous without American Idol. I don't know, buddy. Tell that to Justin Bieber. Uh-huh. I guess.

I'm not making a lot of sense. He got discovered that way, but he has a massive label machine behind him, too. Well, he does now, but yeah, he got his career launched just through his talent alone. on YouTube. That's true. Yeah. And I know all you fucking cry babies and hard asses are going to be like, oh, Matt, I'm Eddx. Justin Bieber isn't talented. He is, you idiots. He's talented at making the type of music that he makes. He's talented at making pop crap that everybody likes. I'm not saying his music's great, though. He does he? He works with producers, yeah, but he's got a good singing voice. Like, he's able to sing. He's able to belt out those notes and he's able to produce this pop crap that

people like. I mean, he's talented at something. What the fuck are you doing with your life, you idiots? That's a preview of an article coming. Anyway. How many Justin Bieber albums do you have? Zero. Okay. Yeah. I don't like his music. Just checking. No, I don't like his music's crap. How many do you not have? All of them. Okay. Yep. Passed. Yep. That's my problem. Mars 1. Mars 1. NASA did a study and they said with the current setup, like with the dumb pods that they have and growing their food, it'll be dead in 68 days. because their little pods will fill up with oxygen and then they'll catch on fire.

They'll be pure oxygen. Oh, that is, that makes me so happy. This is, this is, this makes me happy and sad. First of all, Dick, I got to hand it to you. When it comes to scams, you're the best. Right. That's why I'm bringing this in. You have a mind, to your credit,

you have a mind that works like I've never seen. You immediately think of the worst possible scenario, the worst possible outcome. You think of the most cynical point of view, and you immediately think of the way that somebody could get exploited, usually because you want to be that somebody doing the exploitation. It just comes down. I was going to say, and then he roots for it. Yeah, yeah. Usually you root for it.

But you know what? The problem is here, Dick, you're just angry because you're not involved in a scam. I was just going to say, this is why I'm starting my Mars 2 program. There we go. Yeah, your Mars 2 program, just to read little words. Three little words. Mars, too. Mars, too.

Yeah. All right, you got a problem? Yeah, Dick. My second problem this week is loud talkers. All right, loud talkers. So you might be thinking, uh, kind of annoying, right? But how annoying is it? I'll tell you how annoying it is.

When asked in a recent Harris Interactive poll, Americans said that loud talkers was the second most annoying thing at 65% of the vote. 65% of people said loud talkers. The most annoying thing ever or the most annoying thing about people? The most annoying thing in day-to-day lives. Right after, the number one thing was parents letting their children run wildly

and be highly disruptive in public space. Yeah, go vote up kids. Wait, did I bring in kids? Go vote up babies. Babies is the precursor to kids. Yeah, go vote up kids. By the way, my monkey campaigning has worked. Yeah, it's in the positives now.

It's in the positives, yeah. Finally, you know what, guys? I'm happy with that. At least it's recognized as a threat. Right. these fucking carriers of disease. Anyway, parents letting their children run wildly through stores and be disruptive was number one. But that was 86%.

Number two, though, was loud talkers. People who are loud talkers. And you know what, Dick? In fact, it outranked. They specifically asked the following question. They said, which is more annoying? People who have loud conversations on their mobile phones in public spaces or people who repeatedly check their mobile phones while having an in-person conversation.

So your fact-finding fuckheads problem from last week only got 35% of the vote easily outright. So if this system works, if the biggest problem in the universe works, this should definitely be more of a problem than fact-finding fuckheads. Than hunger. Yeah, well, I got something for that one too, buddy. Not this episode. But, wow, talker, so, Dick, how could this possibly... Wait, what do you mean you got something for that one? What?

Your hunger problem? Hunger, yeah. It's a big problem. I'm going to knock it. I'm going to knock it off the fucking list. Why do you want to? It's a big problem. You know what, Dick?

It is a big problem. I'm not denying that. There's just a bigger problem that should be exactly a little bit bigger than hunger. What? All right. Yeah, it's coming. It's coming, buddy. Yeah.

Next week. Okay. So, loud talkers. Why is this a problem? Dick, the other night I was having a very lovely dinner. I was at this beautiful courtyard sitting outside. It was like, you know what? I regret using the word beautiful.

It was... Sounds really lovely. Okay. It was a stoic courtyard. It was a very... No, you know what? It was a cold. Was it magical?

Were you listening to Justin... Were you pumping your Justin Bieber jams? Enchanted evening. You know, you fucking assholes? You know what? It was a fucking manly courtyard. That's where I was. It's manly court.

Were you wearing glass slippers? There were suits of armor around. There was a real... fucking manly place. Don't worry about it, all right? Stop being a dick. I was at this manly courtyard and enjoying my steak.

Announcing Prince Maddox. I was enjoying my steak that I didn't overpay for, like a sap, like a sucker. This sounds like medieval times. Yeah, were you at medieval times? The theme restaurant? The jousting slash dinner event? No, fuck.

I was just enjoying my steak. Okay, I was at this place, who cares? Who cares where was? Why are you so weird about dinner? Where was it really? Just some place, dude. All right, right, right, right. Yeah, yeah.

So I was eating steak, right? And I overheard a really loud talker sitting behind me talking about her fucking surgery and, like, her foot surgery and how they were removing some corns or calluses and the doctor prescribed some antibiotics and there was fungal growth and she got a staff infection and then her Grandpa had the same thing and had one of his toes amputated and just go on and on and on and I. And I'm sitting there choking on part steak and part barf because I'm disgusted at this fucking loud talker telling me. And what kind of fucking dinner conversation is that? I mean, of course, I'm guilty of having some gross dinner conversations.

I like to talk about poop. I think scatological humor is fucking hilarious. And if you don't, you're an idiot. And some of the biggest geniuses in history did too. go look at Mozart's Wikipedia page of scatological humor. There's an entire Wikipedia page for it. And a lot of historians

are trying to contextualize his scatological humor by saying, maybe it was symbolic for this emotion or this period in his life. Hey, idiots, it's not symbolic of anything except shit. He just liked shit jokes, just like I do. Anyway, why isn't a shit joke?

Comparing yourself to like Mozart. What, geniuses? Yeah. Well, I think it's self-explanatory. All right. Takes one to no one. So I was sitting there on the verge of vomiting my not overpriced steak. Right.

Because this person was having a really loud discussing conversation. Yeah. Yeah. Loud talkers ruined dinners. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. I get busted on it all the time. So you're a loud talker, right?

You know what? You know what they should have? Here's my idea. It's an app for your phone, right, that you're. You can just sit on the table and it will measure the decibel volume of what's going on, like at the table, locally at the table, and it will have, it will redline if you're being too loud. Is that possible, Sean? Is that, in audio terms, is that possible?

It would just clip, right? Yeah, there are decibel meters that you can. Yeah, because it's got to be, is it a decibel thing or is it like the tom of their voice? Because some people have a shrill voice that really cuts through. We're more sensitive in certain ranges. Like, I think a baby's cry is someone. around two or two and a half kilohertz. It's, I think it's like an evolutionary thing.

I'm immune to hearing a baby's cry. You would be. Yeah. I've trained myself. I'm not sure if that's true or not. It's not. I'll help you out there. It's not true.

Wait, wait, what's not true? Him being immune to a baby heart. Oh, him. I thought you were talking about the baby cry. Anyway, we're more sensitive to certain frequency ranges than other frequency ranges. Yeah, between what, like 10,000 and 21,000, what is it, megahertz? Killehertz? Killerhertz? Yeah.

It's like 10,000 and 20,000. 21,000 is the normal range, right? No. It's like 3,000 to 21,000. The range of hearing is 400. It's 20 hertz to 20 kilohertz. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, that's right.

Most people don't hear as high as 20K just due to like environmental damage and stuff like that. You know what's interesting is younger people are able to hear more in the higher end of that frequency spectrum. That's true. That's why they make these things, these beacons in the UK, and I believe several other countries have started employing them. In fact, they have these in Los Angeles. Angeles, too. They have these ominous towers that look like these giant metal structures and they just say, you know, whatever the city name is. And then if you stand next to it, you hear this really high-pitched squealing noise. And that's specifically built that's designed

to discourage loitering for young people. They're called, they're like these hooligan towers. And they, I think that's what they called them in the UK. And they put those out there with really high frequencies that older people can't hear. And it discourages young people from hanging around. Anyway, I wish there was something like that for loud talkers. Well, it's a huge problem in Hollywood. Like, every place I go to eat is people pitching each other their shitty screenplays. Yep.

Yep, it's all their shitty. And you know what it is, Dick? I think on some level, it's just bragging. You want everybody to know about your business and how important you are and how interesting your life is or how disgusting your surgery was or whatever. Maybe it's just people who are not self-ful. aware. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know how it happens that they're so loud.

Yeah, people are really loud. You know, and there's no signal. There's no signal that we'll get them to stop. Like, you can keep lowering your voice and keep lowering your voice, like hoping that they'll catch on. But they never do. Maybe that makes them talk louder because they think that their voice is being lower because they can't hear you.

That's true. That's true. That's a good point. Man, I was in a coffee shop just a few weeks ago, and this douchebag with a man bun, you get a man bun sometimes, right, Dick? Yeah, I rock a man bun. Pretty gross. It's cool.

Yeah, well, this douche bag with a man bun, and I think that it's part of the problem of the man bun. You're just jealous. You know what, Dick? You can get a clip on, man bun. We could strap it to your ears. Like one of those Japanese, like one of those Japanese dudes with the bun in the hair?

Yeah. You know, like a sumo or something. Now, anyway, this douche bag was in this coffee shop, and this coffee shop, I swear to God, at least four tables of people turned around to look at this guy to see what the fuck was so important that he was broadcasting his voice in this entire fucking coffee shop. People were stopping and looking. Like, people stop their polite conversation.

They're studying. They're reading. He's disrupting a potential future doctor's study time because he's talking so loud. And then that doctor's going to fail his test and he's going to fucking do surgery on you. And guess what? You got a fucking toe amputated. hear about it in the fucking restaurant while I'm eating my steak. Yeah, and you can't not listen.

Like once they get going, those drones, they get going, you can't not pay attention. You know what, Dick? I actually go to specific coffee shops that I know only Koreans visit, for the most part. Because it's not distracting. It's not distracting, right? Yeah. I can't understand what they're saying. Yep, I know those places. There's a chain around Los Angeles, right?

Oh, I bet you do. No, they're the best places. is they're like so relaxing because everything is isolated. You know the ones I'm talking about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Jesus Christ. Dick, what are you projecting here?

I feel the same way. When I go to the Korean day spa, I talk as loud as I want, because it's not annoying anyone because nobody understands what I'm saying. Yeah. And vice versa. It's great. It's not vice versa, Dick. They probably understand what you're saying,

but you don't understand what they're saying. So what's the fix? This can be fixed. This problem can be fixed by this show. Well, first of all, stop being a loud talking asshole. No, no, no, it's got to be combative. It's got to be, we've got to be able to do something to stop this. Well, how about just, hey, Dickhead, keep it down.

How about that? Have you seen the movie Boiler Room, Dick? Yeah. There's a scene where there are a bunch of rambunctious stockbrokers are sitting in a restaurant and they're being loud assholes. And this table of gay guys are sitting next to them. And one of them just very snarkily turned to them and said, you guys are at an 11

we could use you at a 2 I love that line I think it's such a snarky passive aggressive way of saying it too So people are not going to stay Keep it down No one is going to confront someone Who's loud and say keep it down

That's not realistic But what if they pass him a little note That says you're at an 11 That's it It's just that's the society that we're in Where you can go to someone secretly And drop a little note on their table This says you're at an 11

You know Dick That's not a bad idea In fact, they should take it a step further and get all the women who were complaining about man spreading, right? Because they were really effective in creating a campaign to get the metro to put up signs around the fucking metro system. Why don't these same women go around and start campaigning governments to start putting up signs in public areas and saying you're at an 11? Why don't we start doing that? These passive aggressive notes all around town. Why don't we just do that?

I wouldn't mind if it was just passing around notes. Yeah. Like you just pop out a receipt, you write it on the receipt. slipped a guy in out. That's pretty funny. Problem solved. Yeah, that's pretty funny. I'm going to try it, too.

Let's do it. Yeah, we'll just walk around town. Anytime you see anyone with a man bun, just assume they're a loud talking doucheback. All right, all right. You're a loud talker, though, aren't you, Dick? I got a loud voice. Yeah.

But I try to keep it down when I'm not drunk. Well, that's so that's never. You know who is a loud talker? Tucker Max. Oh, is he? Yeah, Tucker Max. Like, anytime I hang out with him, he's, everybody knows our business.

Yeah. It's always this, you know, any coffee shop, everyone's turning around to see, well, who's talking? I guess Tucker. He's telling me something. Anyway, Dick, those are my problems this week. What do you got? I got one last one. I don't have a lot of time for it.

Let's do it. Let's do a quick one. Penis injuries. All right, Dick, how'd you break your dick? I did almost break my dick this week. Oh, yeah? Yeah. I was having sex with this girl.

Uh-huh. Yeah. I don't want to get too into it because everybody. knows what happened. Every guy who's ever had sex... Yep. I know the injury before you even say it. Every guy... Everyone's been close. Oh my

God. So close. I've never been closer. This, I mean, this was like... If this was a Cold War clock, if this was a nuclear Armageddon clock, this was at 1159, man. That's how close this dick breaking was. And this girl was...

Skin and bones. Yeah. So I'm like, how much damage could she possibly do on top, right? But then she says the magic phrase that lets me know my dick's getting broken. I know what I'm doing. Oh, no. That's the scariest thing to hear from somebody who's having sex with you. Yeah. A woman who's climbing on top of you says, I know what I'm doing. Oh, watch out. Your dick's getting broken. That's my argument. Dick, please, as a public service announcement, please announce this to the women. So, they know what we're talking about here.

Well, which part? If you're riding... If you're riding a guy... Right. And you're, you think you're in control. Yeah. You're not. You're whipping around...

Yeah. Like a maniac. What I'm trying to get you to say is, it only goes in one direction, ladies. Yeah. It only goes in one direction. Yeah, it's not an earthquake. No.

The shockwaves can be this way laterally or this way vertically. It's only vertical. It's a... We'll let you get away with a little swing, swing back and forth. A little bit. A little bit, but you go too far. Yep. And crackeroo.

Yep. That's Dick injury. Think about it in terms of a lever that only goes in one direction and it can't go pass that 90 degree mark. I mean, a little bit, but not much. You know, Dick, there's a term for this. Do you know what it's called? What?

It's called daggering. Do you hear about this? Yeah. It was a big trend in Jamaica. It was kind of like a badge of honor for guys. Oh, God. That hurts just things. Yeah, yeah. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. This is what they, from the Wikipedia page of Daggering. He says, is a form of dance originating from Jamaica. The dance incorporates dry sex, wrestling and other forms of frantic movement. Basically, they, I mean, it's so aggressive that it basically breaks the guy's penis. It's a thing that, I guess, Jamaican women were into for a while. And I think, I guess a lot of guys were going along with it. A lot of guys in Jamaica, like their penis is broken? I guess. I guess. It was a lot on this show.

No. I know that. Yeah, it was a big trend a while back, and these guys were going to the doctors, and sometimes they could repair it. Sometimes they couldn't. They were like, sorry, man, your dick's fucking broken because you're an idiot. And then you can't get into, even if they fix it. Yeah. Because it's a, it's a bunch of, it's a series of tubes, essentially, the penises. Yeah, yeah.

So they got to stitch it up. Okay, Senator, what's the name? I don't know. Stevens is his name, yeah. Series of tubes. They got stitch it up, and then you got three to six months off waiting for it to get better again. It's awful. It's awful. It's awful. Ladies, you don't know what you're doing. Don't. It's a lever. It only goes. It's like a 90-degree range.

I appreciate the effort, but you just, you can't be trusted with it. No. You get too out of control. Yep. That's all I'm saying. Yeah. You can't fix this with popsicle sticks and tape. No What the fuck does that mean It's like a splint You know You know Sean It's interesting

You mentioned popsicle sticks Because I was hanging around A gay friend of mine About a week ago And some Some really buff Australian dude Walked by And he looked

He turned to him He was like Ooh I would rape that guy With a popsicle stick I'm like What do you mean What do you mean popsicle stick?

He goes Oh you know I'm like No Explain it to me What would you do With the popsicle stick He's like

Oh well you know Man has to be hard So you have to put A popsicle stick down his penis I'm like Oh, Jesus. Oh.

He would rape him with his butt? Yeah. Oh, geez. Yeah, and then Forrest an erection with a popsicle stick is what he was saying. That sounds like a penis injury waiting to happen. Yeah, yeah. Wait, are you sure he's gay if he needs a popsicle stick? No, the guy.

He was going to cram a popsicle stick in the guy's penis. Yeah. To induce an effect erection. Yeah. Okay. I'm done. I guess this is a thing in, you know, a lot of gay guys that, they kind of joke about that, but yeah. How loud was he...

How loud was this conversation? Loud enough for me to hear, which was too loud. Too loud. I regret. Yeah. Doctors say that the consequences of such a fracture include erectile dysfunction as scar tissue known as fibrous plaques can form in the penis.

Yeah. Yeah. And it can get bent when it heals up to 45 degrees. Yeah. Oh my God. I got a whole phobia about this now. Here you go. Here's a quick rule of thumb, ladies.

literally just pull up your hand and push one of your fingers back as far back as your finger can go imagine that right that's it no no no no no I'm talking about okay if we're going with the finger analogy

I'm talking about let's say you have a ring on your finger right like a wedding ring let's say you married yourself which you did on Facebook right so you're fucking around with your wedding ring right like putting it up and down the finger yeah keep a good eye on that finger I see what you're doing over there then you get too into screwing around with the ring the ring pops off the tip and you go wham you bring the edge of the ring down on the tip of your finger that's the injury i'm talking about oh that's a different injury

oh that's that the one you're talking about Sean that's what I was talking about he went in a different direction and I know that one too but yeah as long as that ring is on you do whatever you want but when that ring if that ring clears the tip oh god that's called the jackknife that's called a jackknife well no I mean that's what it basically will do. Oh, that's what you call. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. That's a jackknife. That's a jackknife. You're absolutely right. All this fingering and daggering and jackknifing. I don't know, guys. This is going to make me real hot and steamy.

Dick, my problems this week were... Wait, wait, wait, you know what the other, the biggest... Yeah, you know what the biggest cause of penis injuries is? The U.S. emergency rooms from 2002 to 2010? Jamaicans. Bicycles. Bicycles. Yeah. People falling off their seats and wow. Racking their penis

On the crossbar Of a mountain bike or a bicycle Yeah, that's why my dick's real tough It gets a lot of abuse, does it? Yeah It's like a Coke can All right, Dick, anything else? Because it's five cents to recycle?

Okay Yeah, because it's worth five cents It's got a fizzy treat inside All right, Dick, my My problem Because the mouth has been steadily growing Since the 70s Because it's better in Mexico.

Yeah. Because it comes into six-pack? You're being kind of hard on them. Oh, right. Oh, man, we could do a whole episode of just dick puns. Probably Mozart, good, too. What's your problems? My problems this week were Utah and loud talkers.

My problems were Mars 1 and penis injury. Yeah, I got a hand to you, Dick. That sounds like a real scam. Don't forget to vote on these problems, guys. Thanks for listening. Hello, Dick Maesterson. This is Professor Stephen Hawking. Oh, cool.

Why don't those bitches throw a pity whore party for my sorry ass. Is movie too good to spin records for me? By the way, nobody flips a bitch better than my samurai ass in a wheelchair. Yes, Dick. If I had Obama car. I would not be stuck with this shit Yankee accent. So go fuck yourself. I would think Stephen Hawking would be a little bit more economical with his words

because it's so hard for him to type them. I know. I think that sounds like just like Stephen Hawking. That was accurate. It almost sounded like someone recorded themselves and then put it through a synthesizer or something, right? Good. Yeah, it was weird.

Hey, this is Matt from Utah. I'm calling about Dick's problem from the recent live episode. kid prisons. Yeah. You were, how should I put this, the big R word, wrong? And in case I haven't, fuck. Oh, it didn't work out. Oh, you're so happy that he screwed up, aren't you?

You're so happy. You're gloating. You're so happy. There's a surprisingly small amount of fuck-ups on the voicemail. Dick, Maddox, I got to start off by saying that I hate agreeing with Maddox when he brings in his bullshit problems like dogs. But dogs are the biggest problem in the universe. I mean, I tell you why.

I started seeing this cougar from work, super hot, she played video games, awesome. Great relationships, no commitment. It's fantastic. Pretty hot. On Monday, she got this dog, and the dog's a couple months old, and it's going to be huge. So here's my dog are the biggest problem. And, Dick, I think you're going to really be on board of this when you hear where this goes, because this dog has now added a whole new element of commitment to this relationship.

Yep. Because now in order to keep seeing her, I'm going to have to make friends with this dog. I'm going to have to work for this dog, taking out walks, pick up and shit. Dogs are the biggest problem in the universe. Go vote it up, people. She tricked him. Yeah. That's like a half a baby.

Yeah, man. Dogs, dogs are the biggest problem in the universe. Go vote it up. It's my new. dogs are the new monkeys. That's a great trick though. Because now if that guy wants to dump that girl, he's also got to dump the dog. She's making it harder for him to split. Are you fucking dumping the dog's the best thing ever. I'll dump a dog any day of the week. So it wouldn't work on you. No way. I would fucking, I would dump a dog before I dumped the chick. I'd break up

with the dog and then I'd break up with the chick. Oh. I send rover in here. I got to talk to him. It's like something American Psycho would do. Yeah. What, dump a dog? Yeah, in the book, he kills his girlfriend's dog. killer. Do you know what's even better than being sapio-sexual? Being pansexual. Oh, man. When people ask me what a pansexual is, I tell them that bisexuals are only attracted to men and women. That means they subscribe to the narrow-minded view of the gender binary. Conversely, as a pansexual, I feel equal attraction to people of all gender identities. Because men and

women don't exist. Everyone's gender fault along this spectrum. I didn't know he's kidding until the very end. Yeah. It's a social construct. That's the argument. Is that gender is a social

construct, right? Guys, there's no biological difference between a man and a woman except that their fucking is and there's mountains of evidence to support that theory. However, it's just a social construct because it supports these bullshit-ass arguments.

And that pansexual thing, man, they talk and sound exactly. I like that guy, as smug as that guy. And I'm sure that guy was satire. That, the voicemail was satire. But that's exactly what they sound like. Good to know. Hi, this is Christian from upstate New York.

Just wanted to say, if you don't think left turns the biggest problem in the fucking universe, you can fucking kill yourself right now. They're stupid, fucking annoying. They're really fucking annoying. Anywhere you go, fucking roundabouts are beautiful.

I lived in here for two years. Gets my dick rock hard. You can go fuck yourself with a cheese grader strapped to a fucking four buffer. Yeah. Guys going around circles and circles and roundabout with an erection. Cool. Be careful, man.

Yeah. The three-letter word roundabout. No, it was three words. Three words. Three words. Three words. Three words. Roundabout.

Yeah, you meant three syllables, then you. No, I meant it as a joke. No, you didn't. No, you didn't. You're fucking backtracking. Maddox, go listen to it. Yeah, I did. Listen to it.

It's obviously a setup with timing, making it a joke. You think I think bout is a word? I think. I mean, it is a word. Technically, it is a word. But it's, I know, roundabout. That was also a joke.