The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 47

Episode Date: May 18, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe. I'm Maddox with me, Dick Masterson. Hey, what's up, buddy? And Sean, our audio engineer. Hello. Episode 47, welcome back, guys. So, Dick, last episode, the problems we brought in were Vine Stars. That was my problem, and the BBC.

And Vine Stars cleaned a house, buddy, yeah. You made an impassioned case for hating the BBC. And yet... I did research. I did a ton of research this time. I brought in good, well-reaching. reasoned arguments and I made a passionate claim on my

on my issue I mean I reasoned passionately with my well-researched statistics and I got shit all over so what does that tell you I'm not bringing in stats ever again look and I'm not doing any research it's just going to be what I see on the walk in here birds uh sky sky's a problem clouds are fucking I brought this this organization the BBC killed top gear

okay yeah this is Easter is a recent thing that happened? This is what it was. They killed Jesus. They killed Jeremy Clarkson. I'm the guy saying, look, these guys killed, they killed Jesus. They're bad. Come on.

Who killed Jesus, by the way? Was it Romans? Yeah, it was the Romans. These Romans are bad. Come on. Band together with me. I've got all these stats. Help me take them down.

No, I just get made fun of. They are literally not Romans, Dick. and usually you do just bring in a problem on your, like whatever you think of on the drive over here, it seems. Yeah, well, I'm going back to that. Oh, back. I got no reward for bringing in the BBC. Dick, you argued that passion, Aline.

What's another word for passion? Emotion. Sex. You were emotion. No, you were emotional when you were arguing that. Hey, wait, can I ask you something? Yeah. Is this episode going to have like a two-minute sandbagging of me before

that I can't respond to before we get too far into it? Hey, I called you on the phone, buddy. I was like, hey, I'm going to do this thing. What do you think? And we went back and forth. I said, I don't know cereal. I don't get it. Yeah.

Well, maybe listen to it, fuckhead. Like, it's the number one podcast of all time. Maybe you should listen to it and just see what else is out there. You know, what else is in this industry that we're in? Maybe. I don't know. I don't know all you fucking hipsters love your cereal and your NPR. I didn't.

I thought, I mean, it's a well-produced show, but it went nowhere. It was a boring listen. The first episode was fine, but it went nowhere. as speaking to go nowhere that's the end of that sentence anyway man Vine Star is cleaned house That's stupid

You know Dick Based on your comment Starting this show You were saying that you did all that research And everything Yeah It was in a very impassioned argument But I got a comment from Magnus Olson

He says hey Dick Do you know why Top Gear can do What they do And piss all over cars they don't like Because the BBC doesn't depend On advertisers Ford, Mercedes or Toyota Can't threaten

to pull their advertising of clerks and shits on their cars. The reason your news channels in the U.S. are such complete pussies and never hold any politicians accountable is because then they lose access, which damages their bottom line. They don't even dare to investigate journalism about corporations doing heinous shit. The BBC doesn't have to worry about any of that crap so they can hold politicians accountable, which they do. The fee is specifically a license and not a tax so that they are not under the foot of the government. Okay.

No, it's a fee and not a tax. because it's just like car insurance, dick, you don't have to own a car. You have to have insurance, though. Yeah, but you don't have to own a car. So that's why it's a fee and not a tax. So they are not under the foot of the government when it comes to holding them accountable when they do their budget every year.

The politicians can't threaten to defund the BBC because of their licensing scheme. Yeah, you get an allowance from your parents, you're accountable to them. They let you wander around and make mistakes. You're accountable. Who's feeding you? The government is.

Yeah, and yet a show like, Top Gear was able to be created on the BBC because of the very nature of the network that it's on. You would never see a show like Top Gear in the U.S. There is a Top Gear U.S. What is it? It's called Top Gear U.S. Shitted. Yeah. Well, it's syndicated.

It came from, it was originated in the BBC. There's no way. You're saying it's impossible. It's impossible to be critical of any company unless the government pays for your show. Is that what you're saying? No, it's not impossible. Why can you not have a show like Top Gear in America? Well, because you have advertisers and you shit all over advertisers.

It's the reason idiocracy, there's a movie called Idiocracy by Mike Judd. Judge or Judge? I've heard of it, Judge. Judge. Mike Judge, the creator of Beavis and Butthead and King of the Hill, made this movie called Idiocracy, and it shit on so many corporations. It shit on Burger King, Fuddruckers, Starbucks. So you're saying that's impossible to have?

Well, they buried it because there was too many corporate interests. They buried it. Yeah. I love that movie. But you watch it, you think about it critically, and you're like, Yeah, there's no way this is going to be a huge hit. It's too thinky. Dick, they didn't even release it in wide enough theater.

They released it in literally, I think, two theaters in Texas. The weekend of its opening, they buried that movie because they didn't want to piss off the corporations. I love that movie. As much as I love that movie, it's destined to be a cult hit. There's just no way that... Like, I don't think that's a bad business decision. Not releasing that movie wide. But what are the interests?

The interests are putting another movie in the theaters that could be a huge commercial success. Yeah, but they didn't even give this a chance. They released it in literally two theaters, and they're just swallowing millions of dollars that they invested in this. Yeah, well, that's called opportunity costs. Like, you have a limited amount of theaters that you put your movies in,

you pick the best ones that are most likely to get commercial success. Right, you don't think it has anything to do with the fact that he shits on corporations. No, I don't. Okay. Well, as a person who shits on corporations all the time, I'll tell you firsthand,

it's really hard dealing with corporations because they don't want to work with me because they know that I might shit on the, on their brand, on their image. They turn away from, advertisers turn away from people who are hostile towards corporations. And that's what that movie idiocry is,

and that's why the BBC is able to create a show like Top Gear where they're not afraid of losing car sponsors. What was that guy's name? That guy's name was Magnus Olson. Magnus Olson, go fuck yourself. I got some voicemails from the last show. Or did you have more to talk about it?

No, go, I mean, I have more comments, but go ahead. Okay. Hey, Maddox, hey Dick. Listen, Dick. I'm right there with you on the whole talk I really am. Thank you. But you don't have to be such a whiny bitch about it, okay?

Pop culture? It comes and goes. Try being an anime fan and see how quickly your favorite series gets killed. Top Gear died. It happened. Just let it go, dick. Goodbye. I'm not taking life advice from someone who admits they're an anime fan.

Yeah. Okay? I'm an anime fan. Oh, boy. Well, I don't take advice from you anyway. You should. Maybe you should, man. Maybe Top Gear would still be on there if you listen to me more.

I got a comment from Sophie Wood. She said, Am I actually hearing Dick slagging off the BBC on behalf of Whole of England just because he once banged a chick whose parents were too poor to pay the licensing fee? Not once. I didn't once bang that chick.

I banged her a bunch. Okay. Whoa. And worse, he's doing it because they pulled a show he loves that the BBC fucking made. And he can't even see how retarded that is. This is how I defend the BBC. So anyway, man, she just goes on and on for paragraphs. I got another comment that was similar to that.

You're better at shitting on my problem than you are explaining your stupid Vine Star's problem. Yeah, that's because you kept cornering me with your Straw Man attacks, like into defending... What's a Straw Man attack? Attacking Vine. You made me... It made it sound like I was shitting on Vine, which I wasn't as a platform. In fact, I listened back to the last episode, and I edited it. You know, I removed some parts, but there was no fewer than...

I'm sure you did. I'm sure you did. Well, yeah, because it was over an hour and 18 minutes. That's a long episode. Oh, okay. Yeah, so I was trying to pare it down. And I removed some parts during that episode where three times during that episode, I said, I'm not attacking Vine, I'm attacking Vine Stars.

Vine Stars is my problem. Yeah, you said that the platform is built to be condescending to the audience or something like that. You said that the platform encourages the artist to be whatever towards the audience. So that's attacking the platform. That's why. I'm just explaining why I'm just explaining why. I thought you were attacking the platform when you said, the platform does X?

No, I didn't say the platform does X. I believe I said that it discourages criticism. It's not a platform that encourages criticism for their creators. And because it's such a disposable platform, they make it so easy to post and not easy to edit, that's why it's a disposable platform that nobody really puts enough time or effort into to creating anything.

Have you ever used it? Watchable. I've never used it, but I've watched a lot of vines. Believe it or not, I've watched a lot of vines. I stopped it. I've never used it, because that invalidates everything you just said. Well, I've used it through other people's accounts. I don't have an account.

Yeah, I've used it. Yeah, I've used it with lots of friends. Every fucking five minutes, if someone's on Vine, they'll come out to you like, hey, can you record me? I'm doing this Vine. I'm like, what? What, what do you want me to do? What am I just a fucking, what is that?

A tripod? Yeah, prop. Cameraman. What are you objectifying me? Yeah. Literally. You know what, I did get a lot of love from people from Scotland who felt that the BBC was biased against...

What do you mean, here you go? I know what this is. So, that's crazy. Let's hear it. The idea? What do you know what it is? What do you know what it is? What do you know what it is?

Say it already. Are you going to talk about Robinson and Salmond, how he misquoted him on the Scottish First Minister? No. Okay, sorry. Okay, the vote for Scotland to be independent was 45% yes, 55% no. All right? Okay.

That's a pretty close race, you would say. for a country to be independent. Yeah. And they felt that the BBC had a biased coverage of whether or not Scotland should be its own independent country. Robert Hall says, I'm personally only interested in this due to the fact that I believe that if it weren't for the BBC's biased reporting,

that my country of Scotland would likely now be independent, governing itself with its own best interests at heart. Does that mean anything to you? That an institution funded by the government might have an interest, in keeping an entire country as part of the union. Scotland. Scotland's part of the UK. They wanted to be off on their own.

That's a good theory, Dick, except the BBC is not funded by the government. So who collects the fee? Who are you afraid of when you have to pay the fee? The BBC has their own internal investigation. They send out letters and they say... Who are you afraid of? Dick, they have no enforcement.

They just kind of keep people in check by these threatening letters. And last episode you talked about those vans they sent out, those detection vans. It's all a myth. It's all bullshit. In fact, that's an ad campaign. That guy that you linked to, that banned the BBC Twitter account, whatever, I really read up on him and I checked his videos and I checked all this stuff. You know,

some of his gripes are legitimate, but not mine, though. Those vans and those detecting kids are bogus. In fact, if they come to your door, you can simply just say, you're can't come in and then that's it. They can't force their way in, they can't do anything. They have no authority. So that's it.

The government isn't behind the BBC. The BBC holds the government accountable. And yeah, they're not perfect. And yeah, they might be biased sometimes. But guess what, Dick? What's the alternative? Fox News? Look at corporate news.

You think corporate news is better than this fee-based news? Shut the fuck up. Okay. I'm so sick of it. I'm so sick of this shit. Well, you're an idiot. Dick, I have a song to play. This is sent in by Timothy J or tweet underscore secrete on Twitter.

He sent me this song. It's got kind of a long lead-in, but I think you'll dig this. How long is leading? About 20 seconds. Oh, that's a long lead-in. Five seconds. Topps, Dick. You'll appreciate this, I think.

This is a new take. What is this song from? You said this back in episode 30. Listen to this. Okay. Now, I'm going to sing. You look. Because I read a lot of different news sources.

Like what? Like the BBC. I read it right way. Yeah, they're good. BBC's really good. I'll give you that one. Oh, oh. How much censorship would it take on the part of the VBC for you to see it is a problem?

Let me ask you that. If there was censorship. Any. Okay. So this sounds like a lot of, what was it, uh, sour pussies, sour graves for, uh, just being canceled your show, Dick. No, I think they're a bad, I think they're a legitimately bad organization. Yeah. You, you understand, you understand that I only started looking into it when Top Gear got killed.

That's it. Right? Yeah. Yeah, I didn't know all this. That licensing fee. shit was a surprise to me. So you didn't have a problem with them before they canceled the Top Gear Show?

I didn't know what they were all about. Maddox? I figured it was just a channel like the rest of them. I didn't know how it worked over there. But you had a positive... You know what? You know what I love about these dick versus, these chicken shit nutless dick versus dick out of context, horseshit bits

that you do? You're like a fucking child. You're like a fucking child busting your dance balls. That's what this is. It's such horse shit. shit. Yeah. Fuck you. He's got a vein going too now.

Oh my God. I'm so pissed off. I can see it. I'm so pissed off because there's no top gear. It relaxed me for two months every year. The top gear just in existing would bring my blood pressure down and I don't have it and I don't know what to do. I can't cheer golf enough times in a day to get rid of this rage.

Oh, man. It's just that and alcohol. The only two things that calm you down. Uh, a hot shit. agreed with me in the comments though. Okay, what'd you say? Kaylee Corv. The BBC problem really is a problem.

Then she went on, but I stopped reading it. Hot Chick agrees with you. You win, as far as I'm concerned. I got another, I got something else here. Victor C. Ullman says, Sean, I can hear bird noises in this podcast. I knew we shouldn't have done it in the park.

It was a problem. Do people think we do this in an actual studio? Yeah. Why is that? Yeah, I don't know. We keep calling it that. Yeah, the doors are open. Yeah, that's...

Whatever. Here's a good one. I got one more. I'm surprised he doesn't hear motorcycles. I hear them all the fucking time. Yeah. Yeah. They're phantom motorcycles.

They're ghostwriter. We're not getting that out when you guys are talking. All right. I'm just going to calm down. Hey, yo, Maddox. What's going on? This is Chad. I'm an editor at Men's Fitness Magazine.

How's it going, bro? I understand that you're, in fact, The inventor of leg day. Yeah. And I got to tell you, man, I was blown away when I heard your lower body routine, more squats, and then nothing else. I think it's really revolutionized leg day at the gym. Yeah, what?

We'd like to work with you on an article for our magazine. You can reach me at 866. Dick, go fuck yourself. This guy is stupid. What did you do those squats with 50 or 100 pound weights? Was that what you said? Dude, I do a lot. I do a lot of leg exercises.

I just want my bike everywhere. I can rattle them off, no problem. I don't know the name. You know trivia, yeah. Okay, how do you brush your teeth? With a toothbrush. No, just do the steps of brushing your teeth. I grab the toothbrush and put toothpaste on it and then put it in my mouth.

You can rattle it off because it's something that you do regularly. Okay. You can't rattle off a leg day because you don't do it. Here's leg day. Dick, I don't need disparaging remarks from toothpake legs over here. I do like, I'm the inventor of like this. Excuse me? Toothpick legs.

Yeah. Look at the size of these thighs, Maddox. You could roast this thigh and eat for two weeks off of this thigh. Yeah, two minutes. Two minutes maybe. Dick, when you, if you're such a leg day guy, how come you can't even keep up on a bike? On a bike? Yeah.

Because I'll never do it. Exactly. Don't you think that's part of a leg routine? First of all, first of all, when you and I went biking that one time, you gave me a busted-ass bike to use. Oh, really? That was not, I think that was a chick's bike. Oh, oh.

That was not a real bike. Oh. Secondly, I bike for an entire week at Burning Man, no problem. Yeah. So, have you ever biked for an entire week? No. Yeah. No, you haven't.

You haven't. Biked for months, Dick. Yeah, at Burning Man, when you're high out of your gourd and you're riding around in the desert with sand and you're not really going anywhere. And drunk. Yeah. So I'm impaired and I'm still doing it. Well, based on the testimony,

of a drunk, I guess you win this argument. I got one more comment. I got an email from this guy. I'm not going to say his name because he might get in trouble, but he says, Maddox, the problem is worse than you imagine. He's talking about Vine Star. He says, I work at a Pittsburgh area hotel, and Vinestar Carter Reynolds held a concert, and he put that in quotes, at my property.

I have seen hell, Maddox. First of all, this arrogant motherfucker had the nerve to charge $75 for admission, or around $125 for a VIP ticket. parents also had to pay to go. Now remember, this is a hotel ballroom for a Vine Star. I've paid similar amounts to see Depeche Mode live. I'm sorry about that, actually. The parents were miserable, the kids were annoying,

and Carter himself seemed shocked and insulted when I had no idea who he was and didn't want an autographed picture. And didn't want one? No, he didn't want one because he's like, who the fuck is this guy? Who offered him one? Carter?

Yeah. Hey, do you want an autograph picture with me? And he said, no. Yeah, he's like, no, I don't... He's gonna sign the phone? I don't care, yeah, he's like, I don't want a picture. What are you, what are you kidding me? I don't, some fucking 12-year-old's picture.

That sounds weird. So I looked up this guy Carter Reynolds. He has something like 8.4 million followers on Vine. This kid makes a healthy living just doing Vine stuff, and he goes around the country, doing tours and stuff. I have not heard of this guy, and even when I was at that age where I would be kind of familiar with certain Vine Stars

or Teen Idols, you know, like on Tiger Beat Magazine and Teen Bop and all those things. Yeah, we all know. We're all familiar with them. Of course. Which I still occasionally buy now for research. But... I think 17 is the least biased.

The least biased news source. Yeah, I agree with you. They should get a big subsidy check, too. Well, maybe when they create your favorite show Top Gear, you can shit on them for canceling it. So this guy, this Carter Reynolds guy... Top 17s? I would watch that show. He seems like...

There you go. They have a magazine for that. It's barely legal. This guy doesn't even seem like he has the amount of celebrity to match up to the worst of the best back in the day on Kid Bob, Tiger Beat magazine, whatever. Nobody has heard of this guy, except for apparently all these little fucking 13-year-old girls. Well, they're people. Yeah. Is that it?

Yeah. He's just reinforcing what entitled shithead. This guy thinks he's so high and mighty. He's like offering you an autograph. No thanks. Oh, so. I got one from Mateo Harassnik. Maddox drives like a samurai.

An Asian from the 18th century who never saw a car. From the 8th century who never saw a car. That's true. Yeah, you dipshit. I'm talking about the samurai ethos, not an actual living samurai. Johnny Davis says, isn't comparing pure length of work as a metric, stupid? I mean, that's like saying some dude who has written millions of words in Twilight fanfic

is a better writer than Harper Lee. That's true. Yeah, that's true. That's a good point. That's your argument for Vine Stars, though, why they're so stupid because their works are short. Dick, that's not why. That wasn't my main argument for why Vine Stars were obnoxious, but, you know, I will see that point. It's irrelevant how much work on a creator-producing up this past shit. Great, let's move on. What's your problem, Dick? My problem today? Yeah.

Wash me. What? Wash me. In quotes. Wash me. You know what that is? Wash me. What is it? What is it conjure up in your mind? When someone writes with their finger on a dirty car, watch me. Like, that's what you're talking about? So I got out of my car. Okay. Another problem you thought I'm on the way in. Just now on the way in. Yeah.

And I see that some asshole has drawn a cock on the dust on the hood of my car. There's another one of you running around? Do you want to, Sean? Already? You have a doppel dinger. Do you want to see the picture of this cock that someone drew on my car? Yeah, let's see it. Motherfuckers.

Look at this cock. not only so not only is the cock short all right thank you Sean not only is the cock short it's the same size as the balls either that is a short cock

or it's a limp cock both of which I'm offended by that someone would draw this on the dust of my car secondly secondly they put the pee hole in and the head so they really because you do one or the other

if you're drawing a cock, right? Yeah. Either the pee hole or the line for the head. This guy's done both. So he really sat there, taking his time, like a serial killer, drawing a cock on the hood of my car. This guy's an experienced cock drawer.

What is he just run around town drawn cocks on people's cars? Yeah, that's a lot of attention to detail for a little cock drawing on your car. A man's car is his home. Yeah. All right? He's defacing my home. Yeah.

He's basically just gone in. to my home and thrown shit everywhere. Writing fart on the wall, drawing cocks everywhere. Dick, I have some breaking news for you. What? I drew that cock on your car. What? Maddox, you dickless piece of shit.

You drew a cock on my car. You motherfucker. Do you know that scratches the paint? That's me. I did it very lightly, so I didn't scratch the paint. I don't think you can do anything lightly. No, no, I did. I did. That's why I didn't draw a giant cock on your car, because I was like, well, I'll scratch the pain. I thought I did that little, uh... And I drew that like two weeks ago. You finally found it?

Yeah. I drew that, yeah, I drew that like two weeks. I think you were on a day. So I've been driving around with a cock on my car for two weeks? A small cock. You motherfucker. Are you serious? That was me. I want to fucking strangle you right now. Yeah, well, there's a table in the way.

Good thing I'm safe. Yeah, well, why doesn't someone draw a cock on your fucking face? Yeah. You know, that actually happened to me. I went to Mexico. No, no, not my face. Not my face. My car.

Everyone, if you have the opportunity, draw a cock on Maddox's face. I draw the cocks, buddy. People come to my book signings, and they wait in line for me to draw cocks on them. You're welcome. That cock is valuable. You could sell it. That improved the cost of your car, I bet. No.

That in the person of racing rooms. Yeah. So I went to... Now I got two Persian works of art on my car. Dick, I went to Mexico about... I want to say about four years ago. I parked my car. I drive down in Mexico, drive through Tijuana,

go down like 45 minutes south, and I park my car at this hotel or resort thing, right? It's a guarded hotel. It's in Mexico. There's not a lot of Americans down there because this is the height of the drug scare and everyone's a fucking pussy. So I'm going down there and just reaping the benefits of everyone being a coward.

So I'm having a good time down there, right? Always an angle. Yeah. Always somehow you're better than everyone. Yeah. Go ahead. So I'm there for a couple days. And I come out to my car at some point, expecting the worst.

I'm like, oh, this is the first time I'm in Mexico driving down. I'm expecting my car to be broken into, whatever. It wasn't. It was a safe resort. Everything was fine. However, someone had written in the dust in my car, you, the letter. you are, the letter are, gay. Giant, you are gay on my back window.

Fuck that person. Yeah. And literally. You should grab, find them, track them down and say, yeah, I'll show you who's gay. What if it's a hot chick? That's a win-win. Yeah, the hot chick gets late. Yeah, man. That would even be a worst punishment coming from you.

What, the... The hot chick getting banged by you. No, that's a reward, buddy. Yeah, that's the ultimate reward. If I held a contest, that's the implied reward every time. You know, now I get why this cock is so small. That's what you think a cock looks like when you drew it, didn't you? A three-centimeter one, we discussed that last episode.

Anyway, Dick, is that your problem? Do you have any stats or anything? Yeah, 100% of my cars have cocks on them. Wash me. It's not funny. It's not funny. It's not, because now I have to go wash my car. And I'm not going to.

So I'm going to be driving around for weeks with a cock on my car still. Little cock. Yeah, well, that's a shame dick. Yeah, I did that. An eye for an eye is not strong enough for this. Uh-oh. You need, this is a cock for a cock. You've, you've opened up a Pandora's cock box, a cock of, a can of cocks.

A dick in a box. This is a cock war. Yeah. I'm going to get you back for this. Okay. This is a guy who drew dicks on every one of the pages of my brother's French book when they went to school together. Like a brand new French book, and he's like, I got to turn this in. Oh, yeah.

I did do that. He drew fucking dicks on every one of the pages. Sounds like someone drew up. big pile of karma on your car, Dick. So what I'm saying is, what I'm saying is you might be in for it. Yeah. You know, we were out at lunch, you know, me and the gang from high school,

and I found a French workbook in the back of my friend's car. Yeah. And I knew it was his and that it would have to be turned in. So I drew, I went through the French workbook and drew dicks on all of the... You know, they're always like, oh, vo chou-s-ou-lis.

I wouldre a sandwich or something, and they got the little drawings of the people. interacting. So I went and drew Cox on all the guys and all the women in every pose, like, of their interactions. That's hilarious. And he, we got back from lunch and he grabs his books to go to class. And he's like, uh, Dick, what the fuck? I have to turn this in. And I'm like, yeah, that's, that's why it's, that's why I did it. Yes, I know. Uh, that's hilarious. Well, Dick, uh, sounds like, but it's not funny when it happens to me. No. That's the point. Okay. Of course. You're in for it, buddy.

It's a dick war. You're on, Dick war. Oh, yeah, it's a dick war, all right. All right. You're stepping into the ring with the best. The best of the best. Oh, you are standing on the edge of the dick abyss, my friend. And the dickabyss is staring back into you.

Oh, really? You're looking into the pee-hole of the dick that it's going to fuck you. You're in the hurricane of dicks and I'm looking into the hole? You're looking into the pee-hole of the hurricane of dicks that's coming your way. A fucking torrent of dicks. You have no idea of dicks. True or false? True or false?

I have at least 20 pictures of dicks on my phone right now. Probably more. Yeah, probably more. That's absolutely true. I've been doing this for fucking 20 years. I've been sending dick pics to people. I have a record for most dicks drawn in a minute. I don't know about that.

That is a real record that I said in high school. 72 dicks drawn in one minute. You have no idea. I can, I'm so fast. I could draw dicks before you can even count to three. I could draw, I could draw 100 dicks. all over the place. Like Muhammad Ali. Okay, Dickhaso. You got anything else?

No, go ahead. What's your stupid old man problem this week? What are the kids doing that's pissed you off? Guardians of the Galaxy. Oh, here we go. Yeah. One of the greatest movies of this decade. Boo. A movie so good that I went home and immediately pirated it so I could watch it again.

What do you have against that? Well, you like this movie so much, so you want to support it by pirating it. Not that it matters. It made so much money. Dick, it's stupid. It's a stupid, simple movie for stupid, simple people. So maybe that's why you like it.

I don't know, Dick. I've called you simple in the past. You just don't understand love. It's a love story. It's a space opera. It's love story. You don't understand love. No, I understand it.

That's why I hate it. See, I understand the threat, the fear that I have for love. That's not understanding. Go ahead. It's very understanding. Almost everything about this movie is wrong, poorly thought out, derivative, unfunny, arbitrary, or tired. Right? That's not to say that the entire movie is shit.

Like, it had its moments. There were a few good parts, like undigested corn in actual shit. What? You know, like, if you're going to eat shit, the only part you have to look forward to is the corn. I see. I'd imagine. Gross. one, all those accusations

you just laid? Yeah, yeah, I'm going through I, so there's no better, I'm going to define this, I'm laying out a tapestry here, Dick, and I'm starting, it's, my thesis. No, it's not a crappistry, it's a tapestry. I'm laying out my thesis, and I'm going to defend, I'm going to go into detail for every single one of those accusations, and there's no better place to start than the beginning,

since there's no such, since there's so much wrong with this movie, I'll just go ahead in order from start to finish, right? And I'll explain why this deserves to be on the list of the biggest problems in the universe. The movie starts out with some kid that I immediately don't like because he seems like a spoiled, disinterested asshole. You know, so you remember the first scene in the movie, Dick? Yeah, when the kid's mom is dying of like cancer or something, he seems like a disinterested asshole. Yeah, the kid's mom is dying of cancer and what's he doing? He's

sitting there listening to his Walkman. Couldn't be more disinterested. He looks sullen and unable to cope with the tragedy that's about to happen. That's a very, moving scene. He looks bored. He looks like a bored disinterested asshole. That scene needed what this kid is feeling subtitles, I think. That's not disinterested. He seemed bored. He was sitting there fiddling with his Walkman. Hey, asshole, your mom

is dying. These are her last moments on Earth. How about taking off the fucking headphones and listening to what she has to say? It might be important. It might be about your father who's half alien. You fucking idiot. That's, okay. Go ahead. He's a kid. He's a kid. He's a kid. Oh, kid.

Okay. Hard to deal with things like that. Sorry, man. Sorry, this kid's not infallible, I guess. Then when she finally dies, he loses his shit and then runs outside where he's abducted by aliens. Yeah. Exciting.

Okay. That's out of fucking nowhere, plot point. Aliens come down. This is like the first, like, minute, what, 60 seconds of the movie? He runs outside from a hospital from this very, like, dramatic scene. And they don't explain anything. Just aliens come down from the sky and just. Sure, fuck it.

Did you not understand what was happening? Yeah, aliens abducted him, apparently. There you go. Oh, great. Yeah, I mean, why not? Sure, have him fucking be abducted by aliens after witnessing his mother died of cancer. Get him into space. Why stop there, Dick?

Why not have him stumble upon a seance and just talk to spirits? I mean, why not just have him discover Bigfoot or win a lottery while we're at it, since random fucking things just happen to him for no reason in this universe? That's a pretty specific thing, though, that sets up the rest of the movie. Like random things don't happen for the rest. One random thing starts a story, like finding a cock on your car. That starts a series of events that escalates in a huge dick war. Yeah.

One random thing is good to start a story. Very satisfying closure to that dick war story. Oh, you have no idea. Oh, bring it, buddy. Yeah, man. So these random fucking things. So I went back and I thought, that's such a weird thing. And I guess there was a little bit of foreshadowed because his mom said,

Your father will come down from the heavens, like light or whatever. So it's kind of metaphorical. It's a throwaway line. That one line in the movie sets up the entire fucking movie, that plot, where aliens just come down and abduct him? Are you fucking kidding me? They don't explain it. And then guess what?

The next scene is, 26 years later, okay. Well, I guess this guy just abducted by aliens. They don't explain his upbringing. They don't explain who raised him. And apparently, later on in the movie, we find out it's just a bunch of fucking space pirates, These, like, marauders raised this child. Sure, he has no issues. He's just totally fine and well-adjusted and affable.

He's not well-adjusted. What's not well-adjusted about him? He's a criminal. He's like a bounty-huntered criminal that... What do you mean what's not well-adjusted out of him? He's a scumbag. He's a treasure hunter. No, he's a scumbag.

Yeah. He's a criminal, like, romancing the stones. Like, yeah. Indiana Jones was a criminal? Was Indiana Jones a criminal? Was he plus... He almost got his dick cut off in, like, Madagast. I remember that one?

And they were going to cut off his hand. He's like, well, it was in my hand, but let's not talk about that. Oh, yeah. Real funny line. It was. So, yeah, then we get to the first plot point of the movie in Guardians. He goes to some planet to get some super powerful orb that's sought after by everyone in the fucking universe, apparently. Everyone wants this orb.

Oh, God, this orb, this orb. Yet somehow it's just sitting there out in the open in some unguarded cave where nobody detected it for years. And then suddenly when a fucking dipshit hero shows up, this other group of a bandit show up right at the same time, coincidence. I guess they were tracking him, right? Because they knew that he would find the orb somehow. That's exactly what Belloc did. Who?

Bellock, the bad guy from Raiders of the Lost Ark, tracked Indiana Jones because he knew Indiana Jones could figure out where the thing was. So he's like, well, I'll just track this asshole. And when he gets it, I'll take it from him. That's a classic bad guy move. So you're saying, so thank you, Dick. Thank you for bringing that up, because you just helped make the case that this movie's derivative of Indiana Jones. That's real life.

Oh, really? Real life. What are the point in life do we send scouts to follow an explorer? Like, the people who discover the King Tut's tomb, do we send, like, bad guys who are sitting there? Okay, as soon as they discover it, we're going to pounce. No, because in-cops do that all the time. Cops send in little bad guys to catch big bad guys. It's how we hunt.

Yeah, but they're working in cooperation with the cops. They're not just like finding some random dude. Not always. Well, look, man, they might have moles in the forest. That's what you're talking about? No, I'm talking about they look where drugs are going. They follow the drug dealers back to where they're congregating, and then that's where they start.

Whatever, I don't want to derail your Guardians of the Galaxy rant. Please continue. Yeah, the only difference is these aren't drugs, and these guys are just based on what? A hunch? Well, you know what? The fact that we have to debate this so much tells you how poorly the movie's written

because we don't know. No, it says that you're fucking crazy, but go ahead. Okay, all right. So, yeah, anyway, he goes into this unguarded cave where nobody has detected it for years and yet somehow Quill, that's his name right? Peter Quill?

Star Lord. Star Lord. Oh, fuck. Oh, excuse me all to fuck. Get it right. Yeah, Star Lord gets the most original creative name, by the way. Star Lord goes to this cave and suddenly just detects it

we have no explanation as to how he knows, why he knows and suddenly he just finds it and this orb has the infinity stone in it which is a big pile of whatever Why do you need all this shit explained? Like how long in your movie how long would it take to get to this point?

You know what I'm saying? You're saying none of this is explained like good. I'm so sick of explaining everything in movies. Just get to it. Spider-Man's got spider powers. I don't need to see him getting bitten by a radioactive of spiders 600 times. He's just a guy that shoots jizz out of his fingers and swings

around on buildings. Great, got it. Go fight bad guys. Yeah, that's because Spider-Man and Superman are ubiquitous. Guardians of the Galaxy is like, who, what? Nobody fucking knows Guardians of the Galaxy, except for deep-trenched comic book nerds who have read the Infinity Stone series. What's the, uh, the Infinity

Wars? They read that and they, it's a tie-in with Guardians of the Galaxy. Guardians of the Galaxy is not a well-known property like Spider-Man. It wasn't, at least before this movie came out. So they don't, but they still didn't explain any of this because it's a good movie. They told it visually. It's not a good movie. I'll tell you why people liked it though.

So these infinity gems, these infinity stones, whatever. It's like kryptonite for the Marvel universe, except there's six of them. You know, kryptonite, some mystical stone that has some fucking arbitrary power. I hate in comic books, and I hate in comic books stories when they imbue some mystical stone with some mystical property because it is such an arbitrary, contrived plot device. Totally arbitrary, totally contrived. and everyone's just searching for this mystical stone. I don't know if I think it's so arbitrary.

What's not arbitrary about? What's not arbitrary about? Well, the infinity stones specifically, there's... Sean, do you know anything about infinity stones? I can't say that I do. Okay, so in the Marvel universe, they're in the entire cosmos, in the universe or whatever, there's these like seven stones, six stones,

and they all represent like a different part of the universe. Like, there's like a power stone. a time stone and like a soul stone. They're like Captain Planet's rings. Remember Captain Planet? Yeah, but these are in all the different comics that Marvel does? Yeah, it's like the one thing that binds the whole universe together. It was contrived to sell

comics. They were trying to make a big crossover, big comic thing. Yeah, great. You hate that. You just hate the idea of that. I don't. No, I don't. I found the comic books kind of interesting to read. I read the parts of the story of the Infinity Wars, but

it wasn't, it just, it's contrived. Let's not, let's not, you know, let's not deny that it was contrived. It's a contrived. It's just, okay, um, uh, it's like Superman needs a weakness. Well, there's this stone that makes him weak. Yeah, but it's from his home planet. Like, it's not realistic. It's like a piece of his home planet hurts him and kills him.

It's a metaphor. Like, it's interesting. The reason that it's lasted for 50 years or 80 years is because there's an element of magic in it that speaks to us as humans. that pieces of his home planet kill him. And his whole thing is that he has no home. Like it doesn't fit in.

That's why it resonates with people. Do you see what I'm saying? Do you think adopted kids have no home too, Dick? Because that's really a metaphor for adoption, Superman. It's not a metaphor for adoption. It's about not fitting in. And I would imagine adopted kids do feel some sense of not belonging.

Whether or not they're happy or not, they feel something that I can't identify with, I'm sure. Yeah. Well, that's a beautifully said siliqui, right? Except that kryptonite is everywhere in the Superman universe. It's not just on his home planet. It's on Earth. Their entire planet's made out of kryptonite.

They're asteroids with kryptonite. There's kryptonite in the bottom of the ocean. There's kryptonite in mountain. There's fucking kryptonite everywhere. They're making any laboratories. Cryptonites everywhere. Oh, it's a piece of his home. You know what's a real weakness for Superman?

This is a missed opportunity in the Superman movie, which I fucking hated. I'll bring that in. It's a problem sometime. But there was a scene where the bad guy, who was it? Lex Luthor? No, no, it wasn't Lex Luthor. In the latest Superman movie, it was the Emperor or the General Zod, I think. There was a scene where he was threatening to eradicate Superman's memories.

Yeah. Or, and then there was another part where Lois Lane was in danger. That's Superman's other weakness. Exactly. That's his real weakness, right? It would have been interesting if instead of this arbitrary kryptonite that They just invented. His weakness would have been,

save your father's memories or save Lois Lane's life. Instead of doing that, they just had the memories just be arbitrarily destroyed by a missile or the plane crashed or something like that, and he also saved Lois.

So this opportunity to show a true, genuine weakness for Superman, this one man who's basically infallible, he's immortal, they could have shown that you have to make a decision and give him a real human consequence, and they didn't do it. that because they have kryptonite. That's why the stupid jams are arbitrary. That's poor writing.

I got that, but I thought that's my point. No, the the idea of the things can be used well, it can be used poorly. That's an example of where the thing is used poorly. But go on. I don't want to slow you down. Sure. So another thing that bug me in the movie... We're only in the first five minutes of the movie. I know. Yeah, already I have so many problems with it. Um, he's still listening to his Walkman. 26 years later on those double A batteries. Where's he finding double A batteries in this universe? anywhere. A double A battery is easy to make. Oh, is it?

Yeah, it's one and a half fucking volts. You think he's screaming around the cosmos and he can't figure out how to put one and a half volts in a cylinder that's as long as this cock you drew on my car? Yeah, yeah. I think he could figure that. I think he could knock that one out pretty handily.

This kid who was abducted by aliens, who is so smart and intuitive that he couldn't even tell his dying mother is sitting there and might die at any minute. He's sitting there listening to his fucking pop songs. This kid, this moron, this dumbass who couldn't even take a few minutes to talk to his dying mother, that guy figured out how to make batteries? Fuck you. He's a kid.

Kids do that. He's a kid. Kids do that. They don't know how to cope. Okay. Ugh. Great. Then, I would love to see you as a kid.

Yeah, I was a fucking badass. Except I was born an adult. So then. Like Jesus. Do you know they couldn't represent Jesus in the medieval age as a baby? baby. They had to draw him as a full adult, as a baby-sized full adult. No, I didn't know that, really? Oh, yeah. Go look at, like, the reason

Jesus always looks stupid in medieval photos is because they weren't allowed to paint him as a baby. Oh, really? So that's why there's always, like, these little homunculus men, like, in Mary's arms. You're like, what the fuck is this? That's how I was born. That's how you were born, like, Jesus. Born and adult, but just like a little homunculus, yeah. Anyway, man, so the bad guy, after he's in his cave, you know,

the bad guy sends a bounty hunter after him. Interesting. Oh, wow. So Star Lord is... Star Lord. He's going to this planet to... He's basically going to a pawn shop. That's the whole plot of this movie.

He finds this junk, and then he goes to a pawn shop to tell it. And by the way, Dick, this guy doesn't even know. Star Lord, at the start of the movie, doesn't even know that the Infinity Gem is in this. He just knows that the orb is valuable, supposedly. But he doesn't know why it's valuable? Like, that's like saying...

Because of money. What do you mean? Yeah, no, but why is it valuable? He does this shit all the time. Well, yeah, he does that shit all the time. That's established, but he doesn't know why it's valuable. Anyway, man, he finds this orb. He takes it to a pawn shop on this planet,

and then the bounty hunters find him immediately. Of course, they're just trailing him. They're always one step behind him. He's getting wrapped up in something bigger than him, man. That's exciting. All these players entering the field. Yeah, so then he gets arrested on this planet where he goes to jail,

and the movie becomes every cliche prison break movie ever made. There's literally a TV trope called the Great Escape or the Alcatraz plot where there's this prison scene, this prison scene comes almost directly from it. Here's a direct quote from the page,

tv tropes.org. Have you seen that website? Yeah. It's really interesting. They said prison movie protagonists are almost always the new guy. So that's, you know, the new crew that's arrested, Quill, Gamera, Rocket, and Groot, who on his first day does something to gain a lifer's trust. Right. Drax. Drax is the one who's supposedly rational.

Drax was the meathead. The meat head, yeah. He wasn't rational. He's very literal. Yeah, he's very little. Yeah, you probably love that guy. Yeah. He was one of the highlights of the movie.

Nothing goes over my head. Remember that? Yeah, that was a funny line. You know what? Funny movie. You know, Dick, there were a few funny lines in that movie like that, which I genuinely laughed and I thought was really good. But it felt like someone took this shit, mediocre script, and then punched it up.

So they got a really funny writer to punch it up and add a few jokes in there, like that one. And there's that scene where he said something about you would have to take a black light in his rocket ship to find Oldacom or whatever. I don't know. There's some stupid shit. Anyway, man. So, prison break.

They're in this prison break, right? And they have to gain a lifer's trust, which Drax does immediately after Gamera. Gamera is the green alien chick. Oh, man, that she's hot. Yeah, so immediately Drax trusts that chick after she tells him she betrayed her. boss, Ronan, one of the most powerful leaders in the galaxy. So let me repeat that, Dick. She convinces a prison inmate that she just met a prison inmate whose entire personality

is defined by being literal, that she will help him get out of prison and catch her boss based on a two-minute conversation right after she revealed to him that she betrayed her boss. So why should this guy trust her? Hey, man, I'm a huge liar and I'll stab you in the back. How about this negotiation? How about this deal? Your problems with this plot are very nitpicky. Oh, is it? That's a nitpicky.

It's a quick conversation. The enemy of my enemy is my friend. Like, good. Skip this shit. Skip this boring. Like, you could have done that, sure. They could have taken 10 minutes to establish their trust, but they got a long, they got a lot of stuff to do in this movie.

They can establish trust way more easily, and it doesn't take 10 minutes. In fact, it would take 30 seconds. Drax could be in trouble. She could save him. Bam, how's that for trust? You don't think that's contrived? Well, of course, it's contrived, but at least it makes sense. Logically, it's consistent in this fucking made-up bullshit-ass universe.

Fucking hate this. Right, you're shaking your head. Sean, did you see Guardians of the Galaxy? Yeah, you loved it. It is what it is. Can't you just have fucking fun for once? It's unbelievable. Like, you are the death of all fun.

Yeah. You and the BBC should team up. Yeah. I got more, buddy. So they're in there. This rag-tag bunch of misfits. That's another trope. Using a combination of poorly guarded escape routes, the stupidity of the prison guards, and some grit and just a little bit of luck, they might just have a shot to break out a prison.

So they're sitting there around this table, you know, like hatching this plan. And then, of course, something stupid happens. Like Groot trips the alarm while they're hatching their escape plan. This plot device is called Spanner in the Works, which is when a stupid character, Groot, which is basically just a Pokemon at this point. He just says his own fucking name the entire movie, which kids. Delighted. Also contrived, right? No, that's not contrived.

Well, it's derivative. It's just stolen from Pokemon. So he's capable of derailing the most ironclad plan by relying on a contrived coincidence and the assumption that nobody would push the big red button. That's from tvetrobes.org. Literally, there is a button in the background. It's a big glowing yellow light. Funny.

Groot hits it. I remember it. I've seen that movie a lot. I have it on my computer. Yeah. I've seen that movie a lot, too, Dick. It's been done in a billion movies. The scene culminates in the control tower where they sneak up in the master prison guard who slowly turns around to see the guardian standing there. Remember I bitched about that?

Yeah, but what do you, I mean, what's the point? You're reading me the plot of the movie. I remember it. Yeah. What it was, that's contrived to? It's on TV tropes. That's it. No, no, no. I mean, I've seen that scene a billion times. It's boring. It's on original. It's uninteresting. It's boring. It put a little spin on it. This is, this is when... By not taking it so seriously. No, that's not the spin. That's the feel, that's the tone of the movie. Not taking ourselves too seriously. That's why people liked it. It's like a superhero movie, but that's why the Walkman's there. That's why the dialogue is so snappy. We're doing all these tropes,

and we're doing them blatantly and obviously, and we're not taking it seriously. Spider-Man also didn't take himself too seriously. Hellboy didn't take himself too seriously. Fantastic Four didn't take themselves too seriously. I've seen this movie a billion times. It's boring. Everyone, and so during that Guard Tower scene,

everyone loses their shit in the audience like they didn't see it coming the second they were sent to prison. You know that scene existed shot for shot the second they get arrested, yet everyone still delights like it's some ultra-satisfying fuck you to the control guard who's just doing his job, trying to keep prisoners in check. Some of whom are implied rapists, by the way. Right? This is who the audience is cheering against. They're cheering against the control guard who's doing his fucking job. Then there's that wide shot. Yeah, there's that wide shot. You've seen a billion times where they throw them out of this.

the control tower, which is conveniently also a rocket ship. Awesome. Whoa. I just jerk off the cum all over my face. Oh, wow. Such a great scene. And then there's another spanner in the works when Drax invites Ronan. So Ronan's one of the main

bad guys, right? Yeah. So he invites him to the planet where the infinity gem is at. Like a total fucking idiot. Seriously, like we're expected to believe that these guys are so competent and badass that they were able to break out a prison, escape from a prison that they were in for two minutes after they were

arrested, but they keep doing stupid shit like calling the main bad guy to come find him with his entire army, which means he's either stupid or selfish. Well, he's both. Okay. It's established. Great. But, you know, there's a balance because he's also very powerful. That's what you get to deal with. Who, Drax? Yeah. He's just like a wrestler. Well, he got the nickname the destroyer from somewhere, I'm assuming. Yeah. They set it up so he's a powerful guy. Yeah, okay, this is the only point I'm going to make on this. Yeah. In a million years, with a with a billion dollars, you could not write or make a better movie. That's my challenge.

You're on. Give me a billion dollars. It was fun. Give me a million dollars. It's fun to watch, Guardians of the Galaxy. It's fun and it touched your heartstrings, man. In an age where everything is so cynical, they managed to put an honest and an emotional love story in this movie.

Great movie. You are a shit head. Oh, yeah. No, I know. I know. Probably two, the Walkman probably pissed you off immediately. Walkman was a terrible movie, too. Uh-huh.

But for different reasons. At least the Walkman was competent. It was just boring. Then there's that scene where, uh... So anyway, yeah, he called that main bad guy to the planet. You're just going through scenes like nitpicking plot points, though. What's your, what's the reason that... Because we're running out of time.

What's the reason you really hate this movie? Okay, so here's the... You know what? Yeah, I don't have a ton of time here. I'll just say, I'll just say two more things that really pissed me off about the movie. So near the end of the movie, the Starlord dances some more

which is like the dumbest, laziest comic relief in every single romantic comedy but for some reason the audience for guardians just eats it up and then this jewel that's so powerful

that it's powerful enough to destroy an entire galaxy with billions of people in it but it can be neutralized when just five people hold hands in a prayer circle yeah but they explain that yeah so look out everyone

all takes a dance to distract the stupid bad guy and then just hold hands and you can stop the threat You've never seen dancing distracting a bad guy, have you? That was new. Like, you've never seen in movies where, like, we're all going to die. Oh, shit, this maniac's going to kill everybody.

The hero just say, hey, what about this? And then do a dance. Have you ever seen that? Nothing comes to mind off the top of my head. There you go. If they even contributed that one original thing, that's, I'm impressed by that. Which they did. The thing that comes closest to that is doing a jig in the last Boy Scout.

Remember that? when John McLean or Bruce Willis did the jig after he saved the day? No, he did it after he saved the day. Anyway, Dick, whatever, that's fine. You're allowed to like this simple movie. But by far, everyone's favorite scene in this movie

is during the credit sequence when Baby Groot dances to Jackson Fives I Want You Back, remember that? Which, first of all, is a song from 1969 that happens to be a big hit with space aliens. Everybody in space just happens to love this fucking contrived bullshit-ass song. Everybody in the audience sits there,

gaffying like idiots while it plays. And you know what else dances to music, Dick? Big Mouth Bass. That stupid little talking, like dancing fish that you press the button and it just kind of wiggles its tail. Or that stupid dancing flower toy

called Rockin' Flowers. Remember that? Yeah, it's a dancing flower toy that literally dances to any song you play. Their favorite scene in the movie was ripped off from a dancing flower toy. A $12 animatronic toy made in China. That's your favorite scene

the movie. It doesn't take a $196 million blockbuster to entertain you idiots. Apparently all it takes is a toy that literally costs less than your ticket price. These morons would be just as entertained buying a $12 toy and streaming Jackson Vives, I Want You Back on Pandora. Uh-huh. That's my problem with the movie, Dick. That's a horrible problem. I hope this gets downvoted to hell. That was a great movie. Great. It was a great movie. And you grew up in the wrong country, man. You belong in like,

Siberia, where there's no fun, there's no color, there's no dancing anything, it's just, it's just snow and gray. I had a lot of fun dick watching Raid the Redemption. That's a great movie. What's that about? It's about a guy who rips on pop culture? No, I had a really good time watching Attack the Block. Go watch that movie.

It's a brilliant movie. Anyway, man, and that has aliens into, too. Do I have a time for my... Yeah, what's your problem? My problem is losing your cell phone. Okay. Dick. I didn't lose my cell phone. I've never lost his cell phone. You've never lost his cell phone? No.

Although I still want to... I still want to defend Guardians of the Galaxy. Oh, go for it. No, no, no, no. Losing your cell phone. Americans lose $30 billion worth of mobile phones in a year? Is that... Could that possibly be true? That's what these stupid newspapers are reporting.

So we, dig-head Americans, are just going around losing $30 billion out of our pockets. Yeah. Every year. Yeah. That's insane. Costs American 13 cell phones are lost or stolen every minute? What? Yeah. That sounds reasonable. Out of like a population of 200 million.

Yeah. Right? That sounds about right. We're like 315 million. Well, no, but not all. I'm saying, I don't think most Americans, I don't think all Americans have it. I'd say about two-thirds of America. Some Americans have two, though.

That's true. You know, players. One in five children age eight to 16. has had their mobile phones stolen often by another child, a group of children? One in five? Are you kidding me? Yeah, don't give your kid's cell phones.

You wouldn't? Well, I would give my kid an emergency cell phone, and then that's that. They can't install any apps on it. They can't do any games. They can't text. It's just for 911. There you go, idiot.

Oh, what a night. Well, your kid is going to be like the greatest hacker in the world shoving those chili peppers up your ass. Oh, really, Dad? I can only use this your 911? Okay. Well, let me show you. Let me draw a cock right on your face with that one.

You think you can enforce that with a kid? Good luck. Here's your Nokia 6083. Enjoy, buddy. Oh, thanks, Dad. I've got my invisible hologram phone, actually, though. With what allowance, shithead? You're grounded.

Go to the dungeon. Yeah. Start with the arms race early. People are most likely to lose their phone at night. 67% between 9 p.m. and 2 a.m. Americans lose on average one phone a year. The average American I've never lost one

So that's how long have I had a phone? 15 years There's 15 people that's lost two a year then Yeah You ever lost a phone? I have once It flew out of my pocket on a roller coaster So

Not really my fault I don't think Yeah it is Did you get it back? No man I went back and I told them I'm like hey man my cell phone Flew out of my pocket

I'm pretty sure I know the trajectory of where it went, can I go out there? Did you say that? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. And they even had a... Professor.

Please map it out. Use a word like that. They got to call the manager. Yeah. Sorry. Let me call my manager Star Lord. They even had a net to catch loose items. Idiot's items.

You didn't put their stuff in their pockets. It was... I had very deep pockets. No, they were very shallow pockets, rather. and it flew out of my pocket on this stupid roller coaster. I'm telling you the roller coaster was designed poorly because it hurt my name. It gives you whiplash.

Normal roller coasters don't do that. This is the worst roller coaster I've ever been on in my life. And I've told people ever since, not just because of the things that fly out of your pocket, but because it's an awfully designed roller coaster. It just, which one? Breaks your net. It's, um, I forget the name of it,

but it's just a giant loop that goes around. It's just poorly designed, unfun. It's like the, um, it's like, uh, The Guard, it's like the Roller Coaster of the... Wait, it's like the Guardians of the Galaxy of the Roller Coaster Universe. Okay. Not fun, boring, unoriginal. Yeah.

95% of the time people who find lost smartphones try to access sensitive data research shows. Of course. Yeah. Have you ever found a cell phone? I have. Did you try to access the sensitive data? No, I'm pretty good about that. I have found at least four or five cell phones and returned every single one.

I even went out on a date with someone because I returned the cell phone. Oh, what is going. bag. What happened? I, uh, it was this girl from Sweden, or no, Switzerland who was visiting. And I found her cell phone and I, I, I, it was really hard tracking her down. I was going through her contact, her recently contacted the list and I found the hotel and I'm like, yeah, I found the cell phone. Can you please leave a note? And she went, she happened to go to the hotel and asked the loss and found if anyone found it. And they said, well, this guy called. And she goes, oh my God. So a few minutes later,

I get this phone call from this panicked girl. She's like, oh, all my contacts, everything's in there. You got her right where you want her. Yeah, oh, no, get out of here. I was just being a gentleman. And then she said, and then she said, right up the ass, gentlemen. Maybe I think... Whoops.

Yeah, no, she said, can I take you to dinner? Can I take you to lunch? I'm like, all right, all right. I'll go to lunch, so, yeah. I'm really good, I'm really good at returning, yeah, I just, that's it. I'm really good at returning cell phones. 70% of people don't use panels. password protection either.

Cities, here's the most five likely cities you'll lose your cell phone. San Francisco, Philadelphia, that's a surprise. Seattle, Oakland, California, Oakland, excuse me, Philadelphia, Seattle, Oakland, Long Beach, and Newark. Newark, New Jersey. Wait, why did they count?

There's a lot of theft in most of those cities. Well, yeah, big time. Yeah, so apparently cell phones are getting lost and stolen. More stolen, it sounds like. Why did they count Long Beach and California separately? I misread it. For some reason, they put the states on some of them, and not all of them. I mean, what other Oakland is their stupid newspaper? Yeah, you know what the problem is with stats like that sometimes is they don't,

when it's just a flip little stat that nobody really cares about, it's not really going to affect legislation and anything important. Legislation? Yeah. Losing cell phones? I mean, I can't imagine what legislation that would enact. It's illegal to lose your cell phone? Yeah, there you are. Why not? Yeah.

Well, the problem with stats like that sometimes is they don't control for population. So recently they did a study, they did a study at, or they did a survey, and they found that people who owned iPhones went to more prestigious universities or something like that. Sure. But they didn't control for population, so it just means, okay, well, there's more iPhone users in popular cities. You didn't prove anything. All right. Here's the 10 most likely places you lose your cell phone. You ready for this?

Yeah. Your purse. That's the top. That's the top place. This is Time. Time magazine's saying this. Stupid. Chance of recovery, 100%.

Yeah. Good job, time. A restaurant or a bar number two. Roof of your car. Changing rooms. Airport security. Oh, those motherfuckers, I bet they are stealing your phone. Yeah.

Schools, buses, or subway, airplanes. Blah, blah, blah. Airplane taxi, swimming pools. Look, this is going to... Do you know why this is a big, problem? This is going to be around for long after all these other things are fixed. What? Losing your cell phone?

Losing your cell phone? I don't think so, because I don't think cell phones are going to be around. You're not going to need them anymore in the Oculus Rift. Oh, God, you are so crazy with your techno fetishes. You know, Dick, have you ever used Google Glass? No, because I hate them, and I think that people who use them are stupid assholes.

But you've never used them? No. I always thought that they were kind of stupid and hokey looking, too. Everybody, like, looks at that thing and they have that segue effect, that segue response, which is like, oh, that's like dorky. Yeah. So I went to a YouTube event where they had Google Glass demos.

Yeah. And I put it on and immediately I got it. I'm like, oh, okay, I see the reason. That sounds right. I see the reason for this technology existing. I see the need. I see that it will change everything going forward. And so Google, I think, has pulled a hold on the Google Glass technology.

Yeah. Yeah. But a lot of companies in Japan and China are working around the clock to make their own versions of it, and they are hugely popular over there. Well, I hope Godzilla kills all those people. That's hateful. What is? Hoping that Godzilla kills them? Yes, that is, I mean it out of hate.

I would like anyone promoting the glass technology to be killed. Yeah, absolutely. Because I hate them. Goddell would wear Google Glass. You know what, the worst thing about that glass thing was the smug-look of the small look of, satisfaction those glassholes would get when people would ask them about their Google Glass. Like, if you've ever broken on your arm and you walk around in a cast, people ask you what you did. And by the third time you've told the story, you're like, oh, fuck man, can you just

fuck off? Like, I broke my arm. What? What else? Like, don't make me tell the story again. Those glassholes, no matter how many times people ask them about their stupid Google Glass, they're like, oh, I can't wait to tell you about the Google Glass. I'm looking at Sean. Nothing from Sean. No, uh, no shitting on Dick for killing fun here. Not here. They are fun.

They're incredible. They're fun and practical and useful technology. Oh, look at, oh, Dick, Dick hates Google Glass. I'm sorry, I'm having so much fun with my technology and I'm enthusiastic about it. Fuckhead. Oh, you want to just kill my enthusiasm with the Google Glass and virtual reality. Fuck you. Fun and practical.

Yeah. It sounds, it sounds like a toothpaste commercial. The World Biematics. Fun and practical. Fuck off. It has a utilitarian function. Sean, Google Glass, thumbs up for thumbs down to settle this debate. I don't give a shit.

Exactly. Great, great. All right, that's my problem. Losing your cell phone. We're out of time. Losing your cell phone. Yeah, Dick, pretty... It's not as impassioned as your ridiculous claims about Guardians of the Galaxy, but...

Reasoned, level-headed, even-keeled, criticisms of pop culture that's garbage. And, yeah, every single person... Every single friend of mine who like Guardians of the Galaxy, just buy them a rock and flower and call it a day. That's your favorite part of the movie, you fucking morons. That's all they liked. They like the dancing flower at the end, the dancing Groot. You can't write a better one.

Baby Groot. Write a better movie. Go ahead. I will not write a movie for the Hollywood industry. What about for people? You can ride a better space adventure that's heartwarming. Yes. That's heartwarming for all audiences,

not just maniacs. Dick, you are defining a good movie in such a narrow term that it has to be heartwarming for all audiences. That's all of the world. I'm defining it as the most general terms, all of the world, that you could bring your date, your wife, your family to see this movie, and it makes you feel good. Not all movies have to be a weird, cynical statement about life. Not all movies have to make you feel good. Not every movie has to have a love interest. Not every movie has to have this contrived derivative bullshit.

Not every movie has to have that stupid superhero movie, that stupid scene where the truck flips forward. That's so contri- I'm so tired of seeing that scene. I'm so tired of these movies. They're all the exact same, Dick. Summer after summer, after summer. There's over 42 superhero movies slated for the next three years. I know, I hate them. I hate superhero movies, but I loved Guardians of the Galaxy because it was good.

Yeah, Dick, I'll tell you... Because it wasn't full of, like, stupid technology and MacGuffin devices. It was like a good story about humans. The whole movie was McGovern devices, and there were only two, there was only, there was literally only one human in the movie. Yeah, no. Or what, three? You're nitpicking again. It was the green broads thing with the body, her story was very human, the stupid raccoon story was very human.

I get it, oh, he was an animal, but his story was human. So was Groot's. They were very, they were very human. Groot had no character. He was literally wooden. He is literally... There you go. That's the guy you're saying it was heartwarming.

There was only one supposedly, quote, heartwarming scene in the entire movie, and that's when Groot sacrificed himself. That was justified. What about when Star Lord put that broad in his little spaceship? That was pretty good. Okay, I'll give you two. There you go.

All right. Okay, heartwarming, big fucking deal. You know what other movie wasn't? What about when Rocket gets drunk? What about it? It says that everyone treats him like shit all the time. Depressing. That's heartwarming, man.

Look at that. depressed, broken, drunk. I really identified. I really identified with that scene for some reason. Oh, yeah. Surprise, surprise. There was another space adventure that wasn't heartwarming dick, and that was Star Wars.

The original Star Wars movies? It was heartwarming. That wasn't heartwarming? No, it wasn't. It had moments, but I wouldn't define the movie as heartwarming. Hey, what do you think of that Star Wars movie? Real heartwarming. You know, he fucking, when he chopped off his hand,

when he gets his hand chopped off the end. That was Empire Strikes Back, you fucking poser. That's what I'm talking about. Oh, Star Wars? The original three Star Wars movies. You're talking about all three? Yeah, those weren't hard movies. The third one was heartwarming as shit.

With all the Ewarks going around everywhere? Dick, just because it had a heartwarming moment or two doesn't make the movie heartwarming. That's a movie that had a lot of dark moments. The pedantism is way too... The force of the pedantism is strong in you today. You want to wrap it up? Yeah, my problem this week was Guardians of the Galaxy.

My problems were Wash Me and losing your cell phone. All right, guys. Don't forget to vote for Guardians of the Galaxy. the biggest problem in the universe.com. Out on Blu-ray now. Thanks for listening. Oh, come to keep on here again. I wanted to ask again what Maddox

this problem actually was. You see, Maddox, you rambled on for so long that I forgot what your problem was to begin with. Was it fine? Was it vine stars? Was it hearing it through the Great Line? Was it the North Starz? I don't know, because I just heard

this guy rambling on about all kinds of. a random shit and it didn't make any fucking sense. You don't want to ramble when you're criticizing someone from rambling. Why don't you shut the fuck up while I'm doing it so everyone else can hear it? Huh? Is that something you can do? Shit.

Did you have sex with your man yet? No. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself, Kermit. I don't need shit from a puppet with a hand up its ass. You're literally getting fucked up the ass. Fuck you, Kermit.

I'm fucking tired. Kermit! Cancel Kermit! Well, that's none of my business. Hey, Maddox, do you know how I know that Utah is in the Midwest? Because you're from there and you have that gay-ass-mid western accent we say asshole like an asshole. Is that true? You do say asshole weird.

A lot of people have commented on that. How do I say asshole? The asshole. Like real nasolian. Yeah, yeah. They're saying that's a Midwest accent. Is it? That's what they say.

I don't know. I don't know. Maybe. But here's the thing. In the Midwest. Well, in Utah, growing up, nobody really said asshole except for me. I do like to say asshole that way because it does sound a little bit more condescending. Hmm.

Asshole. Here's that same voicemail. Hey, Maddo you know how I know I... Oh, fuck. All right. That's it.