The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 48

Episode Date: May 18, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe. I'm Maddox. With me is Dick Masterson. Hey, what's up funny? And Sean, our audio engineer. Hello. Episode 48, Dick, we're coming up on our milestone of 50 episodes. Of 52.

So we've been arguing all week on whether or not we should celebrate the milestone of 50 or the stupid sounding 52, which is technically, I guess literally a year. Technically one year of episodes, which is, in my view, more impressive. that a podcast has gone one year because you can continue measuring it by year than a podcast that's gone 50 episodes. 50, you can, shitty podcast, you can knock 50 episodes out in a day, right? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, but 52, what's the next milestone? 104, and then 156, that's stupid. Two years, three years, four years. You drop the numbers and you just go, years, you shithead. I'm fine with that, but then what do you do for the 100th? So nothing. You sit there with your dick in your hands? I don't.

Do you want to celebrate both? Yes. That sounds like that's a Maddox thing to do, buddy. You be in charge of the 50th episode. I'll be in charge of the year episode. There we go. Can you believe that two grown men instantly, instantly, totally opposite ideas of what we're doing? Asteroos wrote and said, hey, I want to do something for the anniversary.

At the same time, me. Oh, you mean the 52nd? Maddox. Oh, you mean the 50th? Oh, boy. Here we go. He thought it was the 50th, too. Whatever.

There's a great... You know what? Let's hear what you have to say in the comments, and then we will completely ignore it and do whatever we want. Happy 400-day anniversary, honey, right? That's what you say? Not a year, not 365. Oh, I tell her every day.

Every day's an anniversary. Arbitrary. Uh-huh. Not every hour. You don't celebrate the 40th hour or the 30th hour? Well, I'll leave that to the woman. Dick, speaking of ignoring comments, So the problems from last week

Number one, this is an upset But losing your cell phone Everybody thought you did a shitty job of defending it But to be fair You only had a couple minutes at the end of the episode The Tale of the episode But people felt that it was Of the problems we brought in

The closest thing to a real problem And then wash me, your stupid horseshit cock on your car Because you were too lazy to wash your car And then Guardians of the Galaxy Got Trounced You guys happy? You idiots got what you want I heard Not only was that

The fastest negative problem We've ever had I mean you posted that problem And it was already in the negatives It was positive for a hot minute What when you voted up on it And then every single other person Who voted voted it down

Yeah I love how in the comments I love how in the comments People sometimes complain They say Hey this episode's been up for less than a minute Who voted for this? And I always comment me I'm the first person to vote

Every single time because I update the database, and then I add my vote to it to sway the audience. Anyway, Dick, yeah. Congratulations. Congratulations to all of you idiots for your Guardians of the Galaxy sweep. You fucking morons. Enjoy your stupid, shitty movie. And you know what, Dick?

A number of people commented, and they said, how is this a problem? I didn't get to, I didn't have enough time to elaborate, but this essentially... Oh, thank God. You can do it right now. Great. More Guardians of the Galaxy. I just want to say this. everybody. You know what? I don't give a shit. Vote it negative for every second you waste this time

bitching about it still. Yeah, great. You fucking morons. You're destroying our culture. So what Guardians of the Galaxy signals to other directors and creators because of its success is that this is what we want. This is what Hollywood is. This is what Hollywood wants. So they're going to create more of this horse shit. And then it's just going to continue this downward trajectory of our culture and art. And it's going to ruin everything. And we're going to get more fucking superhero movies. Enjoy. I'm shocked you're commenting on art. Go ahead. Why is that, Sean? No, I'm shocked

he's commenting on art because he doesn't think anything's art. No, that's not true. You've railed against everything. What is everything? What are you talking about? Nothing is subjective with you. Music. Like, oh, I remember him saying like, oh, what, is programming art? Is typing art? Yeah. No, come on. I think things are art. Of course, there's the art. There's the art of filmmaking, and I don't think

Guardians of the Galaxy's, Guardians of the Galaxy Is it S? Whatever I don't think that shitty movie counts. All the galaxies. They were guarding all of the galaxies. Yeah, you know what that fucking movie should have been called? It's Guardians of Zandar.

That's all they defended in that fucking movie. That stupid, made-up bullshit-ass planet. Zandar, which is, by the way, the least creative name you could come up for a planet. Zandar? I come up with better names in my sleep. Go ahead. Let's hear one.

Uh-oh. Let's hear a name. Okay, Omnacron. How about that? Omnicron is the guy, is the bad. guy from Transformers, you fuck, the Transformers cartoon movie. Great. Amicron was voiced by Orson Well. I said Omnicron, not Amicron. Okay, rip off right there. Let's hear another one. Let's hear a good name for a planet. Umlaut. Umlaut's a thing over the U in German. Try again. Good name for a planet.

Let's go. Let's hear it. How about shotgun blast? That's a fucking cool. That's a cool planet. Hey, baby, I just got, I just landed on shotgun blast. She's going to say, hey, when you come home, you're getting a blow job. She's going to say, stay there. Maddox, stay on shotgun blast. Hey, Maddox. I totally get why you don't like Guardians of the Galaxy. I think it's all about the Peter Quill character. Like how he was listening to music while his mom's in the hospital room, dying.

It was like he doesn't have any emotions, like he's dead inside. Then when he grows up, he goes on and becomes a pirate who thinks he's such a badass, but he comes across as a little ghost when he calls himself the Starlory. Almost like an Internet pirate who thinks he's a badass and runs away. website called the Best Page in the Universe. You know what I think, Maddox? Did you see that coming? I think Guardians of the Galaxy, it's a little too close to home for you.

Let's face it, Maddox. You are the Star Lord. You are the Star Lord. Go fucking play the Titanic song. Oh. You know what? Fuck you. I'm not the Star Lord. I'm the Master Lord.

That guy's a fucking idiot. Dude, this is bullshit. I hate it. I'm going to veto this. Sean, delete this episode. Seriously, this time for real. I'm gonna fucking knock over this desk. I hate this piece, I hate this bit.

This fucking, this shit. I still don't know why you hated Guardians of the Galaxy. I explained it. I get, like, when you reviewed James Bond, you had some- You had some good points as to why that was a crummy movie, but Guardians of the Galaxy, you had no good points.

I had plenty of good points, and I just elaborated in the episode. You don't think the downward trajectory of our culture is a problem? I thought it was great. I thought it was pulling comic books out, of the derivative shit they've been doing. Yeah, well, you're an idiot, and it's totally derivative. It's just another fucking comic book movie.

Oh, man, these fucking idiot, these fucking fans. I hate all of you. Every single listener who's ever listened to the show, you guys are all idiots. Cancel the show, cancel the episode, unsubscribe. I don't give a fuck. But Maddox, you have to know that movie studios have never been about the art, ever.

The fact that some of it gets through, that people put out product that actually gets through and is, you know, art is almost an anomaly. care about making money off of it and it's never been any different. Same with the music industry, all of that. Sounds like Sean's got a problem brewing over there. Yeah. Yeah, what do you bring that in is a problem, Sean? Oh, man. So aggressively. Yeah. Take it from somebody who grew up in it. Oh. The biggest problem in the universe with Maddox. Here we go. All right. Wait, what are you doing? You know what? I'm, no, nothing. I just want to read a comment,

Dick. This one's from Emma Olson. She says, maybe we should start calling Dick, quick draw Dick, because of your dirty car wash problem. And she said, get it, Dick? Because it's a double thing. It's a double. You've got to do both. It's a both. It's a Wheel of Fortune, before and after.

Yeah. Yeah, I get it. Very funny. Yeah. I got another comment from Scott McGregor. He said, I've waited so long for Dick to get a vein. There's a joke in there somewhere.

Good one, Scott. And then... I got another voicemail. Yeah, let's hear it. Thank you for this timely hit piece on Guardians of the Galaxy. a movie that is, I think, 18 months old or possibly more. I think it's been in theaters.

There's been an Oscar year since then. And an Olympics, possibly a second Olympics. But, you know, right, got your finger right on the pulse what people are talking about, guys. Thank you. I love this guy. I hate this guy. I hate this. Very timely criticism of Guardians of the Galaxy.

I look forward to your feeling on the Lord of the Rings trilogy. He called, I brought in every one of his voicemails because they're all so funny. You know, an answer. An open format conversation podcast where two spirited individuals have disagreement of opinion about the affairs of the world. Yeah, derivative. Pretty funny guy. Yeah, now I'm tired of that guy. He sounds so smug.

Yeah. He sounds like he's grinning. I quote, true or false. I have at least 20 picks. of dicks or whatever the fuck you said on my phone right now you're just laughing to yourself I have some bad news

letter you letter R letter gay edit that so I don't sound stupid would you? Do you know what he said at the end? No what he said? Edit it so I don't sound stupid Yeah you are gay I did I edited it so he wouldn't sound stupid

Was that you want to hear? No no no I here's the here's the edit Let's hear the edit True or false, I have no dick. That's why you sound stupid, would you? Yeah, I don't hear you grinning through your teeth in that one, asshole. Oh, man. Oh, God, so many.

We block that phone number. Block that phone. I'm going to get in and block that. Here's a good one. Hello, Dick and Maddox. My name is Tanaka San. I am a samurai. We do not drive our cars like that. you, Maddox, samurai driver with efficiency, while still remaining respectful and keeping the safety of the drivers around us in mind. Meanwhile, you Maddox drive like a crazy guy gene asshole. You are the kind of person who leaves giant accidents in his wake.

Please, commit to Sapuk. right now and you Dick Master son you're a great not you're

I wonder what that means you are a pretty cool guy until the next say yeah I like that guy even though he's

busting my balls I go drink him with that dude I'll drink some soju with him you don't drive like a samurai though

I do like to drive like a samurai No, Paul Gifford says, Loll, I drive by the Samurai Ethos, you mean Bushido, the code of honor, patience, calmness, serenity, perfection, and war. Maddox, it sounds more like you drive like Mad Max

or Jason Statham from death race, on edge, furious, and like you're always in constant peril. Uh, yeah, thank you. That is, that's one of the best compliments I ever. Samurai, you don't know what the fuck a samurai does, dickhead, and I didn't mean to Bushito, I meant a samurai.

Samiris are always pissed off always, especially when they're making love. Is that how you fuck? Like you drive? Oh my God. You're going to rip a girl's tits off like that. You got to be careful. Yep. Hey, got to hang on, buddy.

I got, God, I got so many great comments. I'll do one more, though. I don't want to get crazy today. Chris Pucknell. This might be the funniest, best comment I've ever read. Chris Pucknell, the shows are released every Tuesday, but they never do. take advantage of the phrase see you next Tuesday

and he adds cleverly concealing the word cunt in case we didn't know we know buddy we invented that joke yeah we've never done that on the see you next Tuesday oh we should yeah all right that's a very cunty thing for us to do

um dick I have one more one more yeah Matthew Gordon says Maddox two weeks in a row you've sounded like some decrepit old bitch. During your bullshit argument against Guardians of the Galaxy, I swear the only thing I heard was get off my lawn. I think

it's time for diabetes, safe socks, and extra large sunglasses. You know, fuck you. I'm tired of the shit. I bust my hump, bringing in well-researched problems. I wrote this, like, three pages shitting on your favorite movie for your benefit,

for your enlightenment, and this is the thanks I get. Dick, I have I have a bit to play. It's one of your favorite bits on the show. It's everyone's favorite bit on the show. What? Go! I know what the bit is.

Oh, it might not be. It's out of context shenanigans brought to you by Maddox. Go ahead. Now, you don't know, Dick. It might not be. Dick versus... Such for sure. Ah, Dick. Today's Dick versus Dick comes to us all the way back from episode 41.

Remember? I don't know if you remember this, Dick. But here's what you said way back when. Listen to this. You know, you guys, you would really do well by reading a book called Sid Harth. Sid Hartha talks about that dick, how not to get incensed the things you read on Facebook. Yeah, man, it's all about not, it's a very, very Zen Buddhist. It's all about not engaging with the things in life that upset you.

Ooh, I feel a dick versus dick coming on to an end next episode. Why, what did I say? You remember saying that dick? You know what this segment should be called? Maddox doesn't get jokes. I remember why I said that too I said that because Whitney was talking about recently enlightened people how annoying they are

when they pitch what they've just become enlightened with So I said I chimed in with You know what Maddox you should read And then I gave this stupid Buddhist spiel over Sid Hartha Which is like a ninth grade reading book You know I agree Dick That was a funny statement But I believe that there was a kernel of truth in there

Because you're always saying What's the big deal with Facebook What's the big deal with Guardians of Galaxy Well here's what you said Well this is just from a number of episodes Here you go. Whoa, everyone slow the fuck down. Didn't that sound like bullshit?

I'm so fucking pissed off. So suck it up. Shut the fuck up. That's crazy. These chicken shit, nutless, dick versus dick, out of context, hoarshit bits. You're like a fucking child. Fuck you.

I'm so pissed off. Just it existing would bring my blood pressure down. 50 years of comic book movies. Who fucking cares? I'm trying. I gotta go read that book again. Sid Hartha. Is that what you recommend to read? Maybe I'll read the sequel.

Yeah. I think he said, I can't jack off enough times in one day to get rid of my anger. He did. I'm like, shut up, Sean. You know what, I was going to let you off the hook this time, Maddox, but now I'm definitely playing Titanic. Do you remember where we were when we last left off? No, we're not doing this. You already played the fucking song.

You get one or the other. No, I'm playing it. Do you remember where we were? We had just discovered something exciting. I'm so fucking mad. This is both... Dick, this is... What is this?

Look. No, I will not. I'm putting it in front of your computer then. Sean, turn that shit down. It's Bill Paxton. I'm not... I'm not. He just found something under the sea

and they're finally out of the sea. I'm not going to look. I'm not going to look. All these people are gathering around what they're pulling out of the ocean. Yeah, probably a big dick. No, it's not a big dick. It's a big dick that's pulling out of the ocean.

It could be, though. It could go fuck itself. It's a safe. Oh, wow. Bill Paxton and his crew just pulled a safe out of the ocean. Is there a fucking jewel in there? A jewel in that safe? You want a safe?

No. Aren't you interested? No. Great. They're opening champagne. I don't give a shit. Everyone's getting soaked in champagne like they just won something? Dick, you don't get to do a double on this.

It's a double. You don't get to do that. Was it a jewel or was it not? I don't care. It's fucking bullshit. I'm so pissed off. Go ahead. What?

Okay, I got a comment here from Daniel. Yeah. Yeah. Whatever. He says, hey Maddox, you watch porn. All porn is derivative as hell. P penis goes into vagina. Whoopty-doo.

Not always, Daniel. Sometimes penis goes into butt. All right. Get to a problem. Okay. My first problem this week, Dick, is obesity. Oh. Yeah.

Huge problem. Now, Dick. What? Good one. Thanks. It is a huge problem. Real big. Obesity, Dick.

So here's how I'll know if the system works. If our little experiment. If our voting system works? Yeah. Okay. Because obesity is a bigger problem than hunger. Yeah. I got news for you.

It doesn't work. Slackivism is at the top? Yeah. Because slacktivism makes people think that they've done something when they haven't, and then they end up not doing anything at all. It's basically procrastinating anything. Anything getting done. It's a huge problem.

Anyway, Dick, this is from the World Health Organization. It says overweight and obesity are linked... That's stupid phrasing. Anyway, it says overweight and obesity are linked to more deaths worldwide than underweight. Did you know that? No. Yeah. More deaths than underweight, Dick.

65% of the world's population live in a country where overweight and obesity kills more people than underweight. This includes all high-income and middle-income countries. Globally, 44% of diabetes, 23% of... of ischemic heart disease, and 7 to 41% of certain types of cancers are attributed to overweight and obesity. So you're saying that obesity should be a bigger problem than hunger because it causes more deaths.

Not just because it causes more deaths, but more disease, too. Okay. Yeah, but I don't think so, because obesity is a choice, and hunger is not a choice. Very rarely is it a choice to be starving. That's why I think hunger is a bigger problem

because it's a much worse fate to be stuck with nothing to eat than it is to be sick because you've crammed butter and cheesecake down your throat for 50 years. Yeah, that's interesting, Dick. Do you also think that AIDS is a choice? Because you said that hunger is a bigger problem than AIDS. Uh-oh. I don't think AIDS is a choice.

It's not a choice. Well, why are you asking me if I think AIDS is a choice? Because during that episode... Who the fuck thinks AIDS is a choice? No, but during that episode, Listen to what your argument is, Dick. You just said that obesity is a choice, whereas hunger is not. You disagree with that?

Hold on, that's not the point. During that hunger episode, you said that hunger's a bigger problem than AIDS because hunger affects more people. But now you're saying that obesity is not a bigger problem than hunger because obesity is a choice. Well, AIDS isn't a choice either. I mean, you understand that the reasons are a big part of that. Like, it's hotter in your oven than it is outside because. the oven's got stuff in it that heats it up.

It's a whole different reason. Hunger is more... It doesn't matter. Go ahead. Now, you know what, Dick? Obesity's not always a choice, at least insofar as a child's choice is concerned, because children are not at the age of consent. A lot of times they're beholden to what their parents feed them. And according to the CDC, uh-huh.

The percentage of children aged 6 to 11 years in the United States who were obese, increased from 7% in 1980 to nearly 18% in 20%. in 2012. That's over two and a half times in 30 years. Yeah, people are getting fat. Yeah, but those are kids specifically who don't have a choice in what they eat. They don't have a say. Yeah, that's true. They eat what their parents give them.

Similarly, the percentage of adolescents, age 12 to 19 years who are obese, increased from 5% to nearly 21% over 4 times the amount in the same period. Four times, that's an epidemic, man. I mean, that is bigger than hunger. That's bigger than AIDS. This may be the biggest problem in the universe, probably even bigger than female genital mutilation. No shit.

I know. It was a big problem when I brought it in is everyone needs to lose 20 pounds. Dick! You remember that? Yeah, I remember your horseshit problem. You were just bringing that problem in because you wanted to bang a hot chick or something.

That was your whole argument. I believe it. Yeah. Dick, not everyone needs to lose 20 pounds because guess what? That problem undermines your fucking hunger problem, doesn't it? You're right. Some people need to lose 200 pounds.

What's next? More stats, Dick. More stats. What else did the W.HL. I have to say about obesity? Lots of things, Dick. Were you obese? Yeah, I was at some point in my life.

So I was. I weighed at some point about 250 pounds, 252 pounds at my heaviest. Yeah, that was a big boy. Every day is a leg day for you when you weigh 250 pounds. I'm not joking. I mean, I'm saying it a funny way, but that's absolutely true. That's fucking true.

Don't fat shamey, dick. To be medically obese, you don't have to be that overweight. Are you thinking morbidly obese? We're all almost obese, in my medical opinion. No, but you're right, Sean. It's like 30 pounds or something like that? It's not that much. And then, yeah, I don't know if it's like 80 or 100 pounds to be morbidly obese.

Well, that's a good point, Sean. Someone sent an email a while back talking about the BMI of swimsuit models, and they said, well, technically they're obese. And I said, no, they're not. And he said they were starving. Like, no, first of all, BMI is not a very good indicator of obesity because it doesn't take into consideration height and age and specific body type.

Like, for example, Polynesians naturally just have larger bodies than most of Americans. Yet, Polynesians, based on the standard, are all obese. But they're not. They're perfectly healthy. They have healthy cholesterol levels and healthy, whatever, other fucking blood levels. I don't want to be corrected for this. Shut up. I don't care.

You know what is a good indicator of obesity? What? Me. Oh, yeah. I can look at any broad. I see. I'll tell you if she's fat or not. Yeah.

Because they could sneak it by you. Yeah. They wear fat stuff to hide it. They pose in fat ways. They're holding their purse in funny ways. Like they're pregnant. I'll see right through that. Like the Terminator.

Boop, bo, bo, bo, bo, bo, bo, bo, bo. Yeah. Fat broad detected. Dick, you know I'm good. Got a bang. You know I'm good at that, too. Right? Yeah.

Yeah. Because we've gone through this before. Like, you've shown me pictures. Like, I can't tell. And I'm afraid to get a detecting that, too. It's always the weird angles, the grainy photos. I know what's going on. I know what's going on.

So yeah, I was a fatty. I was a big fat fatty. 252 pounds. How'd you get that way? Well, 35 pounds of it was directly attributed to writing my first book. What? I gained 35 pounds during that process because it almost, I mean, that was just such a brutal process. I worked for six months on my first book from start to finish.

In that time, I wrote a computer program that was over 2,000 lines just to create a chat room for my illustrators to upload their artwork and to also communicate with each other so that everybody could be on the same page for that book. So that the book, even though eight different people were working on it, it had the same artistic direction. Because I didn't have an overarching artistic director.

I took that role. And I got $7,000 to do everything, to do all of this. Anyway, and for every one page that went into my book, I wrote three pages of description for the illustrations that I needed in it because you have to be very specific

with illustrations. As you know, sometimes we have people, we farm out some thumbnails for this episode. Yeah, I just let him run with it. Like a sentence. You're like, oh, tell him this, this, this. And I'm like, here was the problems. Make whatever you want. And you're like, what the hell?

Where did this come from? This isn't what I said at all. Give him a break. All right, Dick. I mean, that's the difference between you and I. But for that book, it took so much work. So imagine, that was a 200-page book. So I wrote essentially 600 pages of,

of writing that didn't go into the book, and 2,000 lines of code that nobody will ever see. And that was just, and that's not even counting the editing I did and the proofing I did and the layout that I did and all this other shit and the research. That book almost, and I did that in six months from start to finish it. And I mean that I didn't take a single day off.

I worked on Christmas, I worked on Thanksgiving, I worked on New Year's Eve. Sounds like you didn't take a meal off either if you put on 35 pounds during all that. What do you eat to like, when you're stressed out? Do you eat? Is that what you do? I did, I did.

Also, that would be rough. You know, Dick, I thought my diet was pretty healthy when I was at that weight. I thought that I was eating healthy things because I, like every morning I would have a sausage and egg sandwich. Oh, good. If it's on the menu, if it's on the breakfast menu at McDonald's, probably a healthy choice. No, I made it myself, but I thought. It's still on there. Oh, I know, I know.

I know this. I know I was fucking up. But I thought, you know what? I'm getting turkey sausage. So that's a little healthier. Oh, my God. And I'm eating whole wheat bread. And I mean, and then one day...

This is what fat people actually believe. Yeah. No, it's true. I didn't... I believe that. And then one day, when I sat down and I looked at the calories and everything I was eating, I realized I was eating like a 6, 700 calorie breakfast just for that one sandwich alone. And sometimes I would have a bowl of cereal in addition to that because I thought,

well, it's part of a balanced breakfast. They always show two things on the... On the commercials and I'd wash it down to the cup of orange juice. And I did the math one day. I'm like, holy shit, that's a 1,700 fucking calorie breakfast I just ate. And cereal was my big undoing. I would always keep boxes of cereal in the living room or the kitchen or whatever, and I'd walk in when I would get stressed out riding,

grab a handful, pop it in my mouth, and not think anything of it. And then I realized after about two or three days, those boxes of cereal were disappearing. I was eating like a box of cereal every two or three days. You're like a horse. Yeah. Like going through that cereal. What kind of cereal? Because cereal's pretty healthy, but now I'm thinking maybe.

this was Lucky Charms or Cookie Crisp. No, it was a shredded wheat. Oh. And then I remember, this is just a real, you know, just a real moment here. But I remember when I was moving from my last apartment, or two apartments ago, I was going through my cupboards, and I found this perfectly unopened box of cereal. Just kind of tucked away. It looked like it was brand new.

And I thought, what the hell? What's this doing here? And I remember the day I bought that cereal, and I bought it specifically to not eat it as a test of my willpower because that was my big Achilles heel. I really liked cereal. And I remember leaving that on the counter for months and not touching it and not opening it just to kind of test myself. Yeah. And then eventually I think I had some dates.

I lost a lot of weight. Some dates came over and I was like, you know what? It just looks weird having this unopened box of cereal on the counter. I'm going to hide it. And I left it there. And I remember that's the last box of cereal I ever bought. And I bought that about eight, seven years ago. About seven years ago.

What kind of cereal was it? It was shredded wheat. Yeah. That was my jam. Yeah, and I haven't bought cereal since, not a single box in seven years. So you're familiar with this problem of obesity. I am very familiar with this problem. And, yeah.

What changed? How do you get people to change? Because it's out of control. I agree with you that it's a huge epidemic, diabetes drugs, like the sale of diabetes drugs, diabetes type two I already brought in, which is caused by obesity pretty much. There's a lot of correlation to it. I read some statistic, too, that I think you may have mentioned this during the episode, you lose something like two or three pounds of weight around your waist, it decreases your risk of type two diabetes by 50% or something.

Yeah, I think it's higher than that, too. Yeah, yeah, it's a lot. Yeah, so what changed is I decided I wanted to live a healthy lifestyle. I started biking everywhere. I bike, I still, that's why I'm such a huge bike advocate, because it gets you off your fat ass. But what if you want to be like a man and lose weight? Then what would you recommend?

You know, fuck you, dick. I ride my bike like a samurai too. Where's that samurai? I'm sure he'll get my back. I got a voicemail about that. Hold on. Let me play it. Hey, Maddox.

It's Chris from Tampa. I'm surprised you didn't know the 12-year-old Vine Star. I figured you and him would go like ride bikes or something like that. No. Go fuck yourself. Did he tell me to go fuck myself? No, he told me to go fuck myself.

All right. Good. So you rode bikes. Yeah, man. You rode your bike. Yeah, I rode my bike a lot, and I got a trainer at the gym. I decided, I also decided that I was a lot. I was allowing myself to spend $5 to $10 per meal for breakfast.

I changed my meals one at a time. I stopped eating so much shit. And the way to do this, first of all, don't do a fucking diet. Dates don't work because your body will reject them. You will fall right back into your rut. You have to sneak this onto your body so gradually that your body doesn't even notice. So one day a week, I would change my breakfast from my turkey sausage and an egg sandwich to a bowl of fruit with a handful of almonds.

two hard-boiled eggs. And I had cholesterol problems, so I ditched the yolk, and I just ate the protein. And it was a real light meal. But I did that one day a week for a month, and then two days a week for a month, and then eventually it was every single day. And to this day, I still eat something similar to that. Now I eat a lot of oatmeal. You're like a Ben Franklin kind of guy.

Did you ever, have you ever thought of that? Has anybody ever told you that? It's like, you know that Ben Franklin made that stupid book about, like, being a better person, and he had this system where he would, like, if he noticed, If he noticed that he was, oh, God, if he noticed that he was gossiping one day, the next day he would, like, try to go through a whole day without gossiping. And he literally had a chart where he would check off a day where he didn't do that vice. And then by the end, he just had, you know, all checkboxes because he was perfect, right?

That's what he wants you. That's what he's saying without saying. And I always hated that story. I'm like, okay, so he's just saying he didn't do those things. Whatever, fuck him. But it sounds like you're doing the same thing. Yeah, yeah, I do. Very methodical.

I do. And sometimes I do things. I set up traps for myself and I test myself. Just to make sure that I have internal consistency. So that I make sure that I do the same decisions. I have all these little routines and things. I've been blocking Facebook on my computer too. And I make it really difficult for me to unblock it because I know myself.

I'm a lazy person. Right. And if I'm lazy and it takes me any more effort than typing the letter F into my browser bar, I'm not going to go to Facebook. I'm over it. I'm done. I'll just get back to work. I don't know if I've ever done that.

I'm compulsive. I used to be a compulsive. I mean, I still am, a compulsive Facebook checker because I have so many different accounts and little things just buzzing me all the time. And so many, I have so many different pages and comments and messages and your fucking voicemails. It's nonstop.

It's a cacophony. Anyway, Dick. A couple other stats. One meal at a time, right? One day at a time. That's how you did it. Yeah. If you're serious about losing weight,

get a trainer, talk to a nutritionist. And then you need to calculate your calculations. and don't feel bad about what you're eating because if you just feel guilty all the fucking time, you're going to feel awful. And then my trainer, here's a big tip that my trainer told me. He said, look, man, you're going to have cravings and you're going to want to eat some shit sometimes. And I said, you're damn right, I am. And then he said, look, if you're going to eat shit, make it the best shit possible.

Like, if you're going to have a big, greasy American barbecue platter, go to the best place and have the best barbecue platter. Because he likened it, I think maybe this was my analogy, but I likened it to sex. you would rather have sex, but masturbation will do, right? But if you're going to do it, you might as well have sex. Well, I mean, I don't know. Sometimes you just kind of over it with a girl, and you're like, oh, man, I don't really want you coming over. I'm just going to jerk off. Yeah, that's a snack.

Right? Yeah. So, not all the time. Not all the time. Don't snack, get the meal. Get the meal when you can. Okay, maybe it's not the best analogy. Fuck you.

All right. Anyway, man. Just one more, a couple more stats, and then I'm done of this problem. the biggest problem in the universe, I would say. So here's a really mind-bullying stat. In 2008, more than 1.4 billion adults were overweight, and more than half a billion were obese. That's 500 million people who were obese, dude. At least 2.8 million people each year die as a result of being overweight or obese.

The prevalence of obesity has nearly doubled between 1980 and 2008, nearly doubled in 30 years. once associated with high-income countries, obesity is now prevalent in low- and middle-income countries as well. Wait, say that last part again? Once prevalent in high-income countries? Yeah, it was once prevalent in high-income countries, and now obesity is also prevalent in low- and middle-income countries. Is that because of, like, fast food, that we export, like, fast food chains,

or, you know what I mean, shitty food? Yeah, shitty food. So here's one. one last thing I'll end on here. It said, this is from, I believe, from the WHA, who said, raised BMI is a risk factor for non-communicable diseases such as cardiovascular disease, blah, blah, blah. And they said, while they continue to deal with problems of infectious diseases under nutrition, they are experiencing a rapid upsurge in non-communicable disease factors, such as obesity and overweight, particularly in urban settings. So here's how you can overcome it.

Just increase consumption of fruits and vegetables, as well as legumes and whole grains and nuts, and then limit energy intake from total fats and sugars. That's it. Okay. Stop eating so much shit and exercise. It's not a secret, guys, diet and exercise. That's what worked for me. It's a big problem.

That's my problem. You know what causes obesity? What? Hunger. Out of control, insatiable hunger. The kind of hunger where you want to eat your own hand when you're stressed out. Yeah, I don't think so. The kind of hunger you get when you're writing a masterpiece of a book.

Go vote up hunger. Fuck you, Dick. Go foot up monkeys! You ready for my problem? Yeah. It's, uh... You know what day it is tomorrow, don't you? Tomorrow's Wednesday.

Tomorrow's Wednesday. You know what day? Good old Wednesday here is the U.S. Humm. Hump day? Oh, shit, is it really? Oh, yeah, buddy. Taxi?

Is this Wednesday? Yeah. Oh, I haven't done shit. April 15th. Fuck. Oh, well, maybe I should change my problem to that look on your face when you realize tax day is, tomorrow.

Seriously? April 15th, yes. Fuck, I haven't done shit. Uh, well, automatic shit. Then you're gonna, you're gonna be voting up my problem. Oh, fuck.

I'm sweating tax. This is a nervous sweat right now, for real. Oh, just defer it. Defer it till October. I always do, but you still have to pay it, otherwise you get fined up the ass. Ah, well.

Income tax. Yeah. That's my problem. Okay. Income tax. And I brought in a bunch of stupid stats, too. Yeah, let's hear it. But, uh, I think,

I think what it all comes down to, for me, for this particular problem, is where do you get off? If you support the income tax, where do you get off thinking you have the right to my money? Wherever I want. Yeah. And that's really, to me, that's the line. That's the line in the sand that says you're either with me or against me. Please justify where you think you have a right to my money. Oh boy, oh boy, dick.

Money that is the quantum of life. You trade your life for money. Every day. Is that true or false? Every day, people all over the world trade the bits and pieces of their life for money. Yeah, some people do. I made that case a while back in my old job. I asked my co-worker in the other cubicle, I said, hey man, would you trade a month of your life for $10,000?

He said, fuck no. I said, well, you're doing it right now for a lot less. Actually, depending on what day of the year it was, they were doing it for zero. Yeah. Because according to my little mathematical calculations, the average worker in America spends 10% of the year working for nothing.

Because of taxes? Because of the income tax. Yeah. Average guy makes, let's say, 50 grand, right? It's around there. Yeah. Average person pays five grand in tax. I'm not counting payroll tax, by the way,

because I'll bring that in separately because I think that's also horseshit. This is just income tax. Right. what is five grand of income tax, counting state local taxes, out of 50,000. That's 10%. Yeah, man. 10% of your year, you are working, you're basically in an air-conditioned slave camp for 10% of the year.

Where do you get off? Well, Dick, you have to eat, right? You have to eat every day? Yeah. And you have to buy food with that money. Would you say that then, I don't know, 20% of your income, 20% of your year, doing nothing, you're working for free because you have to buy food with it? That's a tax that God stuck on me.

I can't dodge that one. This is an income tax that everyone is making me pay with guns. With guns and force, you know. Oh, yeah. You know, the system that then you have to work to pay for that makes you pay more taxes. Suckers. You know, Dick, you sound like my dad. You sound so much like my dad is, he carries little bits and pieces of paper around with

him and his wallet. Confetti? You know, no. Because your dad's like, Rip Taylor? He's always celebrating. My dad is the least, he is the least flamboyant guy you'll ever meet. He's the opposite of Rip Taylor, you say. He's the opposite.

He's like stone. He's stoic. My dad carries a little bits and pieces of paper, and he'll go, I swear to God, we went to a furniture store one time. And my dad just wanted to buy a fucking couch. And then he got in argument with the sales clerk saying, well, I shouldn't have to pay taxes for this. The 16th Amendment wasn't right. gratified and he pulled out these little slips of paper and started showing him and Are you serious?

Oh yeah, he's one of those. Awesome. Yeah. Oh, that's awesome as shit. Yeah, he wants to go back to the gold standard. He thinks, you know, he thinks that the world is run by 12 bankers and all this conspiracy shit. And yeah, it's the gold and libertarians.

It's all your fucking libertarian agenda. That's all it is. Gold and fucking guns. Sean? What's the clock? Sean and I had a bet in the car because I told Sean my problem and Sean bet me how long it would take you to accuse me of being a libertarian. What's the clock, Sean?

3.46. I won the over. You! Fuck! Fuck! So, Sean said three minutes, and I said under, because I thought it was the first thing you'd say. Yeah. You in the bet. I built up to it. But that was in regards to my dad. At least the context was my dad there. Yeah, but you said you all. You lumped me in.

That's true. That's true. Your dad's that hardcore about income tax. Oh, yeah. He carries little slips of paper. He said, Can you prove to me that the 16th Amendment was ratified? And meanwhile, the sales clerk is like that zip-covered guy, and the Simpsons is like, oh, well, sir, I just have to charge you taxes. He's a fucking 16-year-old kid, dad, leave him alone. He doesn't know shit. Yeah, but that's a good negotiating tactic.

Yeah. You can negotiate anything. That's true. You know? People don't want to pay tax. Fuck you. Wow. Like, it doesn't matter why.

Go take it up with your manager, right? Did he get the couch? Did he have to pay sales tax? Of course. They're not going to waive taxes. I think they gave him a discount because. Ah, there you go. No tax. They did, you know? Okay, sure, Dick.

But they give them a discount. Well, sales tax is on the on the seller, not on the buyer. It's just that all, yeah, yeah, sales tax has to be paid by the seller. True. And it's just they pass it on to you. Yeah, they pass it on to you. They can take it on the chin. Well, they did because my dad was disabled veteran, and he used his military card for that.

Oh. Oh, yeah, he's really, he's really, well. Guess where the military gets all their goddamn funding. Taxes. Income tax. So you remember the episode, the Solutions episode, when I brought in time travel? Yeah. And we almost immediately discovered that it was not a solution, but actually a huge problem.

Right. Primarily, because of the paradox a little bit, but also because I would only use it to do bad things. Yeah. Like steal intellectual property and murder people. Yeah. Right. Like the time machine that you're in in the present, that you're just doing bad things all the time. Right.

Except throughout time. Throughout time, yeah. I found a list of all the people I would murder throughout time. If I had a time machine. Starting in 10 AD, Emperor Wang Meng of the Zinn dynasty introduced an unprecedented income tax at the rate of 10% of profits.

Unprecedented, huh? By the way, this is a list of all the people in history. I know, I know what this is Dick. Right when you start, I'm like, these are people who introduced taxes throughout history. 1188, the Saladin tide was introduced by Henry II to raise money for the third. crusade. Yeah, but Saladin's a cool name. It sounds like Aladdin plus salad.

It's money for war. All of these taxes are money for war. Yeah. That's what I found in looking through this. War is cool. War is not fucking, yeah, it's cool, but it's cool, but I don't want to work 10% of the year of my life funding it. My dad's disabled and he got a discount on a couch because of war. Fuck you. How do you argue against that? What kind of couch was it? I'll tell you. Yeah, it's a shitty couch. It was one of those Pleather, not even Pleather.

What's the, what's the fabric? Don't buy a fiber couch, people. That shit always stinks. All right, anyway. Who else? Who else do you want to murder? Sir Robert Peel. Okay. Income Tax Act of 1842.

Supposed to be temporary. Another cool name. Sounds like Orange Peel. 1961. USA Civil War tax. 3% 1894. 2% peacetime income tax of fewer than 10% of, oh, blah, blah, blah, blah. Who did? So, Dick, I got to play devil's advocate here.

Don't play devil. Everyone hates devil's advocate. No, just you hate it because you hate being challenged or challenged intellectually. That's right. I don't necessarily disagree with you, Dick. Look, look, I'm telling you right now I don't necessarily disagree with you. But how do you answer... It's because you know what's good for you. You answer opponents of your argument who say,

we need taxes to pay for the roads and pay for the military and pay for blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And social services like libraries and fire departments and police officers, your favorite, I'm sure. But how do you say, what's your response? Let's throw it on Kickstarter then. Great. You're just going to kickstart everything? And what if you get a...

Well, you know what? And this is my actual response, and I don't want to get into it because it's like, it's too goofy to get into. Yeah. Who needs that infrastructure the most? Rich companies. Like, who needs all of that shit?

Yeah, they benefit themselves. Yeah, they benefit the most. Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, all the billionaires of the world. They need that shit. Who needs lighthouses, companies that are importing shit. Let them fucking pay for it. But couldn't you also say that the middle class also needs those companies to provide those jobs?

Don't need it as bad. Who needs it? Who can't live without it are the rich. Isn't it an engine, though, Dick? And the middle class and lower class kind of fuel that engine and create commerce so that these companies can grow big. And we need that because we have the taxes that pay for the roads and pay for the defense that supports this infrastructure. Like it's a machine and it's an engine and it's a well-oiled thing and yeah, they're a little bit high sometimes and they're not always, there's, there's a misappropriation of funds and pork barrel spending and all this other shit.

But the system kind of works. Can't you say that? Can't you agree to that? We're in a system where you, where the average guys got to spend 10% of his life working for free. I'm not okay with that. Whatever this system is, who's ever designing it, it's not worth it. Well, it's not free if you're reaping the benefits of some of the stuff. Like, if you send your kids, you get Social Security, if you send your kids to a kid prison, as you call it. Yeah. You're reaping the benefits of your taxes, right?

Hey, I don't want to get into which of these things are not providing value. Okay. Because it's all subjective. It's all debatable. Is there anyone else you'd murder, Dick, throughout time? Is there any other... You, before you started playing devil's advocate. Great! Great, dick.

3.4 trillion is federal income every year? Upwards of between 40 and 50%. I think 42% is generated by the income tax. More than I made last year. 3.4 trillion? Yeah, I didn't make that much. That's a shame. You should. Yeah.

USA, let's see where we rank on the... Russia's income tax. It could be up to 87%. Can you believe that? You know, I don't know if that's true. China's 62. I got enough Wikipedia. Gotta be true. Well, you know those super rich Russian, a lot of them have like mob ties, there's a lot of Russian oil money and they just have money on money.

And same thing with Saudi. By the way, Saudi princes, I've never met anyone from Saudi Arabia who wasn't a prince. Do you guys have any normal fucking citizens over there? Is everyone a fucking prince? You guys just come around flashing your fucking money, your wads of bills at it? and then buying your shitty patron at bars, you get table service, like your big fucking ballers. Why don't you hop on a treadmill?

They all have like big fat asses. Obesity, big problem. Yeah, for Saudi princes. And this, whatever this move is where they do the hand snaps in the air. That's a big problem. They got to stop doing that. You're not a fan of the hand snaps. No, no, no.

I brought in a budget of what the money actually gets spent on if you're interested in that. Yeah, let's hear it. I know what number one is by far. Military. Defense, yeah. Yeah. We spend more on defense than, I think, the next three companies combined.

Can you believe that? It's nuts. Our defense spending. So, 25% of what's, how much, what's this, what's 10% or the numbers were from 10% to 15% of the year? My own figures were 10%. I did the math. What is, what is that out of 50 weeks, five days a week, that's 250 working days, 25 days, that is about how many months is, that's about a month and a half of labor.

that you're working to fund the government, right? So what's 25% of that? That's like, what, seven? That's like a week and a half. Everybody's working for free. Make bullets? To make bullets and bombs. So the B-2 bomber can fly over Dodger Stadium.

Awesome. How much did that cost me? Dick, have you ever seen a movie called The Fog of War? No. Okay, you fucking morons who like Guardians of the Galaxy, you want to see a real good movie? Go see Fog of War, you dipshit. Learn something.

So Fog of Or, Dick, they talked about that. They talked about, I think it was President Truman, who when he was signing off one of his last days of his presidency, he warned America about the coming military industrial complex and why the B-52 bomber will never be decommissioned. Or I think it was one of the stealth bomb, not the B-52, maybe it was another stealth bomber. Because there's a part built in every state for that bomber. And it is so politically unpopular to decommission that because it'll be loss of jobs across all the states. that plane will never be decommissioned. They'll always replace it with something and keep manufacturing that.

And they have to because it's jobs and it's politically unpopular. Yeah. So what do you say about that? About what? The military's never shrinking? Yeah. I think that's a shame. Yeah.

As much as I love having a gigantic military and being like a force of fear over the face of the globe. Yeah. Do you think America is imperialistic? Of course. Yeah. Hmm. And you think that taxes are taxes too? Are funding that?

Do you think that... Get your life back? Do you think that if they say spent more money on education, that it would make things better? Look, spend it, but if you're going to take my money to do it, at least come at me with a gun or a knife and say, empty your fucking pockets. We're building a school.

Don't make me pay for some asshole with a gun to come shake me down. Do it yourself, because that's what you're doing. Okay. When I walk past a bomb on the street who asked me for money, Do you want a dollar? Can I get a dollar to buy a meal? I could say no. I'd say yes if there's a chick around, but I'll probably say no. The income tax is a cop coming up saying give him a dollar, then give me a dollar for making you do that,

and then give that lady over there a dollar for making sure that I make you do that. That's what it is to me. You know what, Dick? And buck it. You're making Lady Liberty's pussy wet by paying your taxes. Hours wasted. 6.1 billion hours a year. people spend in America calculating their fucking taxes,

which you have not done yet, but I've been doing it all week. That shit pisses me off. I just dump everything into a database. I got scripts, yeah. Anyway, Dick, yeah, that's a big problem. Anything else? No, I think that's it. I brought in some dumb pie chart.

How you like that? Cool a pie chart. Yeah, there's a pie chart. What does it say? Who cares? Okay. Great. Good job, Dick.

I brought in a bar graph too. Pretty cool. Yeah, I saw you see bars and graphs. What do you think? I thought it was just some... Grade. Grade my graph. Zero. F minus.

All right. F minus. There you go. It's a graph of like what the adjusted tax rate is. What the adjusted tax rate is between the poor and the rich. And including state and local taxes, the poor actually pay a lot. Yeah. Yeah, Dick, I'm kind of on board of this problem. I'm not going to completely shit on it.

It is a problem. But I think it's more that the misappropriation of spending than the income tax itself. You have no right to my money. Well, that's not what the law says, buddy. Sorry. Sorry, take it up with Zin. emper's in from the 4th century, BC?

Dick, I got the real biggest problem. Right after obesity and an actual cause of obesity. Bacon worship. Oh, yeah. That's a fucking problem. I am so fucking tired of bacon worship.

You know, Dick, that there's a church of bacon? They ruins bacon. Yeah, it's totally ruined. When I searched for bacon worship on Google, the first thing that came up is the United Church of Bacon. And it's a stupid parody religion. It says it's a real religion.

Here's their About page. By the way, this is a Pendgillet has something to do with this. It's friends of Penn Gillette who set this up. Okay. Because he, I guess, I don't know, they love bacon. It says, get married before Bacon. About the Church of Bacon from their About page. It says, the United Church of Bacon is real legal church based in Los Angeles.

Excuse me. The United Church of Bacon is a real legal church based in Las Vegas, Nevada, with over 4,000 members worldwide, we chose a funny name, a bacon name to expose how wrong it is for society to give automatic respect to the special legal privileges to religions. They're pushing their little agenda,

their atheist agenda here. Is our saying we worship bacon really any stranger than Catholics who say that community... Oh, God, we get it. Going after Catholics. Catholics who say the communion wafer has become the body of Christ. Unlike God, who's invisible,

at least we can see bacon. Bacon is demonstrably real. I fucking love science. I fucking love bacon. Fuck you, man. I'm tired of this shit. I'm tired of this hive mind. These fucking idiots have ruined bacon.

I don't even want it anymore. No, me either. You know what? Why don't you throw Allah on that list while you're running your mouth? Yeah. You think you're so such a tough guy pushing around Christians, huh? Oh, those fucking vicious Christians. The biggest pussy religion ever, by the way, Christians.

They do nothing. Maybe at one time they had some teeth. But fucking Christians, everyone's people. Everyone's punching bag. I mean, you can more easily make fun of Christians than any other religion. You make fun of a Buddhist, people like, hey, man, chill. You sound like a bully. But everyone's Christians, Christians punching bag.

And then Jews, Jews would, I would say next. People make fun of Jews all the time, but not too much because you're anti-Semitic. No, they love it because they know that no publicity is bad publicity. That's why they welcome it. And then Muslims? So there's only one speed on Muslim, and it's hate. No one makes fun of Muslims, but they either say nothing or they hate them. So that's our country right now.

That's the barometer of our country. Oh, and Mormons are a fair game. They love it too. They're taking tips from the Jews, I think, with their PR, the Mormons. Oh, yeah, they have a huge PR company behind them, too. They have a huge PR firm. Very smart. It's all Mormons.

Which, by the way, if you've never seen Mormon the musical, I highly recommend it. And when I went to see it in the playbook for the play, the biggest sponsor was the Mormon Church. They said, hey, you're interested in the Mormon, the musical. Why don't you read the source material? And they say, check out the book of Mormon. It's even funnier. I think it's a cheeky move. I like it.

Bacon worship, dude, I'm so fucking sick of it. Like, when I go to restaurants now and they offer bacon on the menu, even if it's like some fancy bacon, there's a place that has this candy bacon that I get on, you know, they make salads and sandwiches and stuff. and it's so fucking good, but I have to order it. I just don't even care about it. I don't even make eye contact with a waiter when I say it, and I kind of say it under my birth, and then the bacon. Because I don't want to sound like I'm one of those fucking zealots,

these bacon worshippers. Here's it. Like, I can't even go five minutes on a social network without seeing some stupid fucking idiot bacon recipe. Yeah. Listen to some of these. These are some stupid bacon recipes. Bacon wrapped potato stuffed with mac and cheese.

Talk about obesity. That's just a big, that's just a large. That is lard-ass munch All right That's what you feed Lard asses in a trough Bacon-wrapped potato stuff With mac and cheese

You fat fucks Do you need to put food in food Aren't we over this now? It is fun I had some bacon-wrapped tri-tip That I made last night It was pretty good You made bacon-rap trite

Yeah, yeah That does sound good But I didn't take pictures of it And put it on Facebook Yeah you didn't fucking Jizz all over your fucking Bacon Wrap tri-tip You just ate it and fucked off

Great The Pills Pilgrims already did food stuffed in food, guys. We got stuffing in turkey. We don't need anything else. Shut up. Bacon, crackling pancake with salted honey. Oh, bacon wrapped onion rings.

Why? Pull apart bacon bread? It's like monkey bread, but with bacon. What? Why? Why are you doing this? It's just bread and bacon. Who cares?

It's bread and bacon. Yeah. And then there's bacon jalapeno poppers. You're just taking an appetizer and adding more appetizers to it. Why is it so annoying, though? I don't know. I don't know why that is either. I don't want to just hate on it without knowing what.

Listen to this one. This one's an actual recipe. Grape tomatoes with bacon. Grape tomatoes with bacon. That's not a recipe, idiots. You're just taking two things on your kitchen counter and then putting them next to each other. That's not a fucking, that's not a meal. That's not a recipe.

You didn't do anything. You can make bacon with anything on the counter. Literally, just throw bacon down on the counter. Here's bacon with a spoon. Here's bacon with some cereal. Here's bacon with some eggs. Like, whatever you have on your counter. or bacon with some basal.

Fuck it. Basel bacon. Yeah. Idiots. Green eggs and bacon. Yeah, sure. Why not? Bacon waffles, that's a thing.

Sweet bacon chicken bites. Bacon and bean sandwich. And then the bacon and bean sandwich, I saw this on Pinterest. And then in parentheses, it said, quick and satisfying. And it just looks like shit. It's a piece of Wonderbread,

white Wonderbread, with a slathering of just runny barbecue beans and then bacon on top. And then one slice of It's like a Wild West breakfast. Yeah. That's not a designer meal.

Oh, but Dick, it's quick and satisfying. Bacon wrapped asparagus. All right, I guess you found a way to make asparagus edible. God, I feel sorry for people who are just on their way to lunch right now and have to listen to you read this delicious list of food. Oh, fuck you. It is delicious. It's the worship that I hate. Bacon is delicious.

You can't deny that. Surely you're not denying that. No, it tastes good. It's the worship. I just want everyone who won't shut the fuck up. up about it to die. There's some weird perverse fetishism with it. Yeah.

Isn't it? I don't know. Maple bacon, cookie dough truffles, more fucking food and food. They just keep trying to one up each other and be fatter and fatter. Listen to this one. Ranch and bacon cheese balls. Barf! What, do you never want to shit again?

Jesus. And listen to this one. This one pissed me off. Make a head bacon and cheddar stuffed mushrooms. Barf, barf, barf. Everything in that is barf. And why is it make ahead, idiot? Make ahead for what?

You think you got to make this ahead so you're fancy for your fancy dinner party? Your platter of people are going to come and you're going to serve them. Cheddar and stuffed mushrooms? That's what you're serving to people? You got to make that ahead. You got to put the planning and forthout into this fucking hors d'oeuvre, this shit hors d'oeuvre that I wouldn't even serve to dogs. You don't like, it does sounded good. Cheddar stuffed mushrooms?

Sure. First of all, cheddar, it's such a shit cheese to put on mushrooms. Cheddar is sharp cheddar, maybe. Yeah. How about some fucking sharp parmesan, some aged parmesan? Okay. Get some bacon? Now you're talking.

You know what, man? Bacon doesn't actually go with everything. It really doesn't. No. That cheddar, parmesan mushrooms, I wouldn't add bacon to that. That doesn't sound like a good thing. So why are these guys so annoying, though? Like, what is driving this?

It's hive mind. You know what's happened now, Dick? is that people love bacon so much, or they claim to, that it has bullied other people into also liking bacon so that they don't seem uncool. I feel like people feel obligated to like bacon. Yeah, I was just going to say, I got it. It's the way people communicate with each other today

with only ideas and opinions that can in no way be offensive. Yep. I love bacon. No way, me too. Whoa. Wow. Do you like saracha? Oh, yeah, of course, I love saracha.

I don't like Saraja What about zombies in science? Yeah Fucking epic Shit yeah Oh man That's what it is That's what it is

It's the need To have something That everyone can talk about Without risk of offense Is I find that disdainful I have disdain for it That's why I hate it

That's why it rubs me the wrong way When people geek out on bacon It's code It's just like a code A little secret handshake, which isn't secret, by the way. It's like people who are on Reddit. When they meet other people in real life who are on Reddit,

guys, it is the most popular social news website on the internet. It's not that fucking amazing that you met someone else on it in real life. Reddit isn't a secret handshake. Yeah, yeah, the narwhal thing. We get it, we get it. What's that?

You're supposed to mention... Don't explain it to me, I want to not know it. So when someone tells me, I can look at them in the face, like, what the fuck are you telling me about this narwhal? It's bacon dick. It's all a secret handshake to see how hip you are And to know if you're in the know And you watch you read all the same stupid web comics

You know and I fucking love science And you sit there to your altar of bacon And just fuck off Yeah Cashew butter and bacon soup Listen to that Cashew butter First of all I can almost not say it

Because I can feel the The bile coming up my throat I'm gonna bar for I don't know me I can't picture these Like I can't read a menu And when I read a menu and I see the ingredients I have no fucking idea what it is Look at me buddy

I have like menu of literacy Okay, you know how I mentioned I was a fat guy? Always trust a fat guy when it comes to food. And even a former fatty like myself, I know good food when I see it. You do not good food. You know very good food. Listen to this one. Avocado bacon egg roll.

Burf! You take the crispiness of an egg roll. You add avocado to it, so it makes it mushy. And then you add bacon to it, which is a flavor that's so savory. It doesn't belong in that weird. The taste of an egg roll is kind of subtle because it's kind of like mushy and you have the cabbage and stuff in there. but bacon is just kind of overpowering. I would never want to eat bacon and soggy cabbage.

Never. I don't want to eat any of those two things together ever. You know what else I hate about it? It's also in this hive mind, like this desire to bond with people without offense. Yeah. It stops short of something you actually enjoy. Like if there's a group of people are like, oh, I love bacon. Yeah, me too.

Oh, oh, or, oh, or. Hey, guys, I love getting blow jobs, right? They're like, whoa, whoa. Can't talk about that. Oh, I'm sorry. We can talk about gluttonishly cramming grease and fat down our throats, but you can't talk about a beautiful act of love between a man and an obese woman. Hey, some obese women like to put your hog in their mouth.

Bacon, listen to this dick. This is called Bacon Explosion. It's chopped bacon, wrapped in sausage, wrapped in bacon, slathered with barbecue. sauce. Just fuck off. Okay. You're not impressing anyone. I know all your buddies. Oh, man. Hey, let's come over to Joe's house. Let's put steak and bacon

and sausage and steak and bacon. And then put it in steak and sausage and bacon. Shut up. Cool. You're just making a mess. You're embarrassing yourself. And you know what, man? I think a lot of it was popularized by Epic Mealtime, which I know those guys. Those guys are really cool. They're really cool?

I like those. I like Hartley. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, yeah, no. They're good dudes. But, yeah, man, I think a lot of it was popularized by that. And then the oatmeal, there's a lot of comics that they go around with oatmeal. It's just the safest comment you can make. It is.

And that's what I hate about it. It's safe. It's just like making fun of Christians. It's like liking Suroracha and talking about your plans for the zombie apocalypse. Yeah, or saying, like, well, we need more education. Like, thanks, fuckhead. Wow. Is that just as true as it can be?

Such a trite, obvious remark, too. That's all it is. Anyway, man, it pisses me off, this little secret handhake, which isn't secret. It is the most pedestrian, most common thing you can possibly glom onto, latch yourself onto. I'm tired of bacon, and I'm tired of stupid comic book shows, comic book movies. That's why I hated Game of Thrones or what's his name, Guardians of the Galaxy so much. All right. Tie it all together.

Let's not get back into that. Anyway, Dick, that's my problem. Three little words. Bacon. Bacon worship, actually. It's pretty good. What are your problems? So my problems this week were obesity and bacon worship, which go hand in hand. My problem is income tax. Good problem, Dick. Don't forget to vote on bacon monkeys and obesity.

Bacon worship. Vote up hunger. No. Let's see here. Hello, I am son of Saudi Arabian oil baron, and I have proposition for Mr. Maddox. If you watch movie Titanic and give proof, I will pay you $100,000 American dollars.

And if you walk you is ripped, if you do not, I will donate money to zoos so they can have more monkeys and more snakes. Please call me back. and Mr. Deek, you are a very cool dude. Keep up the good work. I have that guy's number. Do you want to take him up on it?

He'll give you 100 grand for watching Titanic. Yeah, I'm not calling that dude in Michigan. That is the worst Saudi Arabian accent I've ever heard. And by the way, I'm sure that guy's a prince. They're all fucking princes. That's all that country produces is princes. You know, Maddox, I got to say, after listening to you talk about your leg day routine,

your argument against Guardians of the Galaxy, who's about as strong as your legs? Dick, go fuck yourself. That's a thing there. If I ever meet that guy in real life, he's going to find out how strong my leg is when it's twitching up his ass. I'm fucking tired of this. I need shit. Your leg is that small and chickeny that can fit up a man's ass?

It's that strong that it'll tear a hole wide enough that my leg can fit through, which, by the way, is the diameter of the Epcot Center. Your leg is that thick? Yeah, I got thick legs. I had leg day today, and I'm sore. Oh, I bet. What the hell is that supposed to be? Third leg day. That's every day.

I work that out every day. Gross. Good day, sense. This is Sean Connery. I have a couple of things I'd like to say. Don't piss out of their clits. That sounds like a bice of sand cone. Yours truly, Sean Cochran.

Yeah, I got all that shit. I know girls don't piss out of their clits, guys. I know they have a peehole somewhere. You know now. Fuck you, Dick. I invented female janitalia. Don't tell me this shit. Hey, Maddox.

Jackie Chan calling in. I just wanted to give you a big thank you for acknowledging my movie Rush Hour finally for the first time when you mention the fact that by Guards in the Galaxy when Chris Pratt dances to distract the enemy. Chris Tucker, idiot. Chris Tucker dances during a scene after he blows up a car. Really good example, except that in Rush Hour 3, that actually fucking happens, you get shit. In Rush Hour 3, me and Chris Tucker actually did. to distract the enemies from fighting in the third movie. But this is going for the same asshole that Duck who mentions my movie as a black versus black.

I don't know what he's talking about at this point. In your article you wrote like 60 billion years ago, or you acknowledge my movie as a good, bad top, black cop, white cop. You're saying this is... One big problem. It's a Jackie Chan transcription. by the worst Jackie Chan impersonator ever. He does have trouble

with his diction and syntax. Let me listen to that. I'm fucking Asian. I'm not white. I'm not black. Chris Archer's black. I'm Asian. I'm not black. I like a cop comedy. Maybe. He's going to the same guy.

He can't tell the difference between creativity like there is in the galaxy and shit because he just doesn't have the proof. This is a racist Asian accent, red, and a completely normal English accent. This is Jackie Chan's real voice. He hams it up for movies. I knew that one would be funny somehow.

You only one more, is that enough?