The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 49

Episode Date: May 18, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe. I'm Maddox with me is Dick Masterson. Hey, what's up, buddy? And Sean, our audio engineer. Hello. This is the big episode 49, Dick, one away from our milestone of 50. Well, technically, somebody brought this up, but technically that makes this our 50th episode because of Delidi McGee. Yeah.

Right, Sean? I brought it in a comment. I brought it in a comment. It was the same episode. We were recorded, John. How dare you? Every time, even if we're saying the same things, it's different. You guys got two brand new problems. Mark Burton says you guys need to celebrate the 51st episode instead of the 52nd because you have to account for the one Sean deleted.

That's actually pretty funny. If you want to be real pedantic, we have those original six too. Yeah. I always do. Well, we have the original six and we have six bonus episodes. So technically we're at 62 now. Is that right? Is it the right math?

Not at all. Not at all. Not even close. How is it not right? 49. Okay. Yeah, maybe. Oh, maybe. You'd go vote up time machines.

I think it's 59, yeah. The two smartest men on the internet. How do we do? How do we do last week? The votes. Oh, from last week. Yep. Dick, a big problem, obesity.

Came in first. The biggest problem in the universe is obesity. I would say. It's really climbing the ranks there. It's 18. I think about 1,800 votes. Yeah. And followed by Bacon Worship,

cleaned house, Dick. I cleaned house last. You know, people that really struck a chord with people, and then dead last was your income tax, which was still in the positive territory. I can't believe it. I thought that would get like 10,000 votes. Okay.

Because I even brought it in. I thought I was being cheap. Like, I was cheating. Like, oh, here, I'll just bring in this obvious, best, obvious biggest problem in the universe. Everyone hated it. Yeah. Everyone hated it.

It's sitting, the income tax right now on the big list is sitting between mandatory holiday shifts, not quite as high, not as big of a problem, the income tax taking six weeks of your life every year, not as big of a problem as mandatory holiday shifts, slightly, slightly a bigger problem than not enough bartenders. Both of your bullshit. You know what, Dick, this is exactly what you deserve. One of those was yours. Mandatory holiday shifts was your problem. Was that mine? Yeah. Like, I'd give a fuck if people have to work on holidays.

Oh, yeah, that's right. Yeah, everyone hated you that episode. Yeah. You came across real fucking elitist dick. Okay. Am I a comment? Yeah, I got a comment. I got a comment from Keenan Watrous.

He says, you wrote multiple books, coded 2,000 lines for a single program that will never be used again, won several awards, yet your website still looks like shit. That's true. Shut up, Keenan.

That's not the point. How many beautiful websites have gone under, idiot? Have you ever heard of the dot-com bubble? Why don't you fucking look it up on Wikipedia? Oh, I know it's ancient history. It's you fucking vine stars. Shitheads. All right, what do you got?

Hey, Dick Fucker Masterson. That's you. It's from Anthony Emiliano Campuzano. If you don't want to pay taxes, that's fine. But you're not allowed to use public roads, libraries, which is spelled wrong. How did he spell it? R-Y-S. Libraries.

It sounds like he doesn't pay taxes. Yeah, you know what? You can keep your libraries. When was the last time you needed to go to the... That's the second example. I can't use public roads or almost as important. Libraries. I can't use that.

Librarys. The post office, that's fine. I got FedEx. UPS is closer to my apartment. Call the police for help. That'll be the day. Right? Please.

Call the fire department. No problem. I have insurance. Oh, I'm still laughing at the police coming to help you. Yeah. Those assholes, I called the cops three times in the last month, like two and a half months. They came two of the three times, both an hour late and did nothing. Well, we need evidence of the crime.

I'm like, hey, Dickhead, if you would have showed up within, I even, I don't know, 30 minutes of it happening, I could have shown you. But now it's gone. Isn't it dips shit? Well, you did call him on an old lady. Did you call on her? Yeah, of course I did. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's one of the times. Yeah, I called them...

The only reason I call the cops is because my insurance company makes me file a police report. Yeah, but you know what they're doing now? LAPD especially, what they do is they'll come and they won't file a report. Because if they don't file a report, that artificially deflates the crime number in the city. Oh, fuck off. And then they come to the mayor and they say, hey, look, our crime. crime levels lower, they get more funding, they buy more new toys. That's what they're doing.

My friend got assaulted by gang members just a couple months ago, and they wouldn't even file a report. Even though they caught the gang members who did, they wouldn't file a report because they're not, they want to artificially deflate that crime number. Those motherfuckers. Yeah. And then they buy military gear that our income tax is paid for. Okay.

Oh, but fuck me. Fuck me. Fuck me. I won't use your librarians. Okay? Put a big sign at the front of the librarians that says no dickmasters in a loud at the librariansist. You want to jerk off, Dickmasterson, you got to jerk off at your home internet. You can't jerk off here. Who the fuck needs a library? You know, you...

Who the fuck needs a library? You elite as fuck. I have friends who go to the library, okay, Dickhead. What? I went a lot when I was a kid. Are they all homeless? No. Why do they go to the library? Because it's a nice place to study, asshole. And then you can also rent movies and check out audiobooks. Like the books at Audible? Qualified. Get Social Security.

Okay. Again, Jesus fucking Christ. The income tax does not pay for social security. Right. That's the payroll tax. Yeah. Which makes me wonder if this guy is a kid and doesn't have a job or has just never looked at a pay stub. Or is maybe a dog.

I don't know. It's the internet. Who fucking knows? Yeah, who fucking knows the demographic of somebody commenting on our message boards? Here's a good one. This one's actually, do you want to do one? Yeah, yeah, I got one from Simon Kempthorne. He says, I hear that North Korea doesn't have income taxes.

Perhaps Dick, you'd fit right in there. Go fuck yourself, comrade. Great. As Dick says, this is so hard. That's true. And Dick, make sure you tell Maddox to go fuck himself. You heard that, right? Yeah.

Yeah, good job, man. I'm going to call into a show and leave voicemail to tell somebody who's listening to go fuck himself via another person. Good job. Sean Michael Conley says, people like bacon because they're trying to buy what? No, that's fine. Oh, they're trying to, were you going to read that one? Yeah, yeah, that's a good comment.

Go ahead. Oh, yeah. People like bacon because they're trying to buy a masculine identity instead of earning it. Bacon gets set up as this manly food for lumberjacks and cowboys and shit. Oh, and shit. So guys try to use it as some sort of substitute

for actual manliness, responsibility, hard work, dignity, et cetera. Yeah, man. I read that comment. That was a really good comment. Really is a student observation. They are trying to package masculinity and sell it back to men saying, hey, man, you want to be a manly dude? You better eat some bacon. Otherwise, you're going to be emasculated. That's what it is. I think that guy struck the chord.

Let's see here. Oh, Lori Foster wrote in. Oh, Lori, the transcriber. Yeah. She said, I haven't finished listening to the podcast, but Orson Wells voices Unicron, not Omicron. Yeah. Not Omnacron. Remember last episode when you said it's easy to come up with a cool alien planet name?

Yeah, and I did. And the thing, you know what was so cool about the names I came up with? You shit the bed immediately. No, first of all, okay, when you said Omnacron, I said, no, I said Omicron, you said Omicron, right? In fact, it was Unicron, and I thought about it. Yeah. And then I, that's why I went to Umlaut because of the U. Oh, I see.

I didn't say it because I was immediately thinking of Oomlaught. That's your process. You know what, Dick, you know what's great about. my names that I came up with is that they're not made up bullshit. Shotgun blast? That's a thing, John. What triggered that? That's not a made-up bullshit? No, because it's a real thing. If you call planet

broomstick, that's way better than Zandar, because at least it's a thing. Name, like, everything around us is named after something or somebody. That's why I said shotgun blast. That's a real thing. That's a cool fucking planet. Hey, you want to go to shotgun blast? That sounds awesome. It sounds like a borderlands planet. Awesome. A hell, hellish, a hellish nightmare, you mean? A hellish nightmare? Yeah, borderlands as a planet.

Yeah. Just lawlessness and... I was talking about the video game, but that would be a cool, yeah, that would be a cool name for a planet. Metal Gear Solid, that'd be a cool planet. I'd go to Middle Gear Solid. So that's what you want to see in the Guardians of the Galaxy, too? Hey, we're going to Metal Gear Solid, the planet. Talk about product placement.

You would be offended by that. Probably. Sony dropping their product placement all over the movie, all over another company's movie. See if I got anything else. No, I got a bunch of people calling me a libertarian and an anarchist. A lot of people calling me an anarchist this time. Yeah? Because I don't want a very specific type of tax.

Yeah. You know, Dick, I almost, I feel bad for you sometimes because you bring in these. Why? Because my face is too small for my head? Among other things. Yeah, we got Haley Joel Osmond. over here. What the fuck? Fuck you, Sean. Oh,

that reminds me. I was sarcastic. You seen that kid, though? Yeah. He does look weird. Yeah, it looks real weird. I got some fan art. This is from John Nikola Zeus, Nikola Zaz, whatever. It's Charlie Brown with Dick's face on it. So it's Charlie Brown's head,

which is about the size of a half dollar, a silver dollar, and then my face is about the size of a dime. in the middle of your pinky fingernail. A tiny little one. And then I got another piece of fan art. What does that guy's face look like? It's probably normal.

It's probably proportional. You're probably right. Good grief. Oh boy, Charlie. I got another piece of fan art from Johnny Carter or at Johnny A.Y. Carter on Twitter. It's the biggest ass problem in the universe. It's a comic here.

Dick, I'll let you read this one. I can't see it from here. God, it's Maddox, annoyed. Oh, I'm forcing Maddox to watch Titanic in this clip and rubbing my nipples for some reason, and I have some kind of a barrette, a flower barret in my hair. Or maybe just a flower, I don't know.

God damn it, Dick, I'm not watching this stupid bullshit Titanic, bunch of idiots, and then me, come on, it makes my nipples so hard. Yeah, and you're rubbing your nipples. Hey, I'm not the one that drew my nipples, all right? you weirdo? Yeah, uh, yeah, you got, I guess he drew your nipples, but you're the one rubbing them while you make me watch that bullshit-ass Titanic,

which I still haven't seen, I still haven't seen a single second of that bullshit. You're gonna watch it? Nope. Really? I won't. You don't even remember where we were at? No, of course not. I block that shit out.

I'm so angry every single episode. I bet you do. Uh, anyway, Dick, should we get to a problem? No, I got a... Well, okay, yeah. No, what do you got? Before I get to my problem, I've got a special bit sent into us by... You know who?

The boisterous coconut. Oh, the stereos' coconuts. Oh, hysterios. That is in a bit. All right, let's hear it. Welcome to the biggest problem in history. Taking the history out of history. Exalverting the biggest problems in history to occur this week.

April 20th, 1889. Adolf Hitler is born. On 420, bro. That's right. The dankest day of the year also brought us history's swag is due. Hitler's rise to power beginning. when he was sent by the German army to totally narque on the German workers

party. Hitler, however, got hip to their vibe and began to totally pick up the anti-Semitic rhetoric they were laying down. Hitler went on to pack the German beer halls like choice nugs in a bowl, and within a decade, became Germany's highest dude.

Thankfully, his story ends with his bunker being smoked up by the Russians and his body getting totally cashed. Still, one wonders how our world could have been Different had Hitler been more of an indica and less of a sotiva. Oh, that's a good question. Hitler's birthday.

A little too close to the stoner, what is it, the stoner glossary, the stoner lingo. He knows too many stoner words, you say? Did you get them all, though? Yeah, of course. No, now you're too close. You read what? I've read two full magazines of high times from cover to cover. You're the only person in history who's done that, including the,

editor. April 15th, 1955, the very first McDonald's opens. Marking the very last day, Americans could take a deep breath without experiencing sharp chest pains. Founded by Czech American businessman Ray Kroc, McDonald's was built on the promise

of serving food without all that annoying food stuff in it. The chain's explosive growth was matched only by our nation's explosive growth of diabetes. And today, serves hundreds of billions in 119 countries. Dot, dot, dot. That hamburgers?

He, uh, that was a misdirect. I thought he was going to say diarrhea instead of diabetes. Me too. Me too. Me too. Actually. Probably both. All right. So, yeah, what's your problem? As we know, yesterday.

Sean, you're going to like this one. Yesterday was 420. We all know what that means, right? Weed. Yeah, man. My problem's reaffer madness. Cool. Or, aka marijuana prohibition.

Hmm. Yeah, man. You know how many people are jailed because of marijuana? Oh, man, I know so many of these people who... Ever since junior high, there was one kid in my class. I won't say his name, but this kid was a... Make up a name. I'll just say...

Pot Pete? What? I was called Sexy Pete. How about that? Okay, sexy Pete. It makes no sense at all. Go ahead. Always wore camo pants to class.

It was a total weirdo. Kind of a fuck up. Like, never did it. any of his homework, the worst grades in class, except for one time, one time he did his homework. He brought in the most well-researched paper I've seen in all of middle school. It was like three pages long, and he stood up and he recited that thing from heart, boy. He just stood up there, and it was all about marijuana prohibition. Yeah, he just went on and on and on and on.

I'm like, oh, Jesus, here it is. They are able to dedicate an incredible amount of resources mentally and physically to the defense or cultivation or celebration of weed. Yeah. Right? It's pretty amazing. And I'm not one of these people. No.

Me neither. I don't really like weed. I don't smoke. Well, I do. Not often, though. Maybe a couple times a year. Why? I would say.

Like other than Burning Man? Yeah, other than Burning Man. Because someone will have it and they'll offer it to me. And that's, I mean, what are you going to say? No? Somebody's offering you drugs. Yeah, you say no, turkey. That's rude.

Come on. Yeah, I've actually literally harsh... What's the... Harsh the buzz? Oh yeah, harsh people's buzzes at parties Because I wouldn't smoke. I'm like, just fuck off. I don't care that you're doing it.

Just leave me alone. I don't want to do it. All right. What? Oh, I mean, you're already angry about it. Yeah. People giving you free drugs. You've found a new low for what to be angry about.

Yeah, I don't... I'm not a big fan of weed. Don't smoke it. And Potheads really fucking annoy me all the time. think it's a big problem. Why do they, why do they know you? Because they zone out. Yeah.

They are, and they'll say that they don't, but they smoke a little bit too much. And every, every toke takes a little bit of them out of their eyes. Yeah. It takes them out of life. Yeah. They're not present. They're just kind of, their eyes kind of glaze over. I mean, they're me mellow as fuck, sure.

But then that just makes me want to leave. That makes me want to go home. and do something else. Maybe just get a burger on my way home and read a book. I agree with you. You want to know how much it costs us to enforce weed laws? How much? Over here?

Rough estimates, because they're all over the place. $20 billion. Half of that in enforcing these laws? Half of that in taxes we could be making. Okay. Off of the legalization of weed. Let's not include speculative income yet. Because we don't know.

That's all theory. Okay, all right. You caught me on that one. Yeah. Yeah, let's just go at 7.7 billion a year on enforcing the marijuana. Okay, that's still a lot. That's quite a bit, yeah. Yeah.

So if we had simply made marijuana legalized and taxed it, that's the main argument. Let's legalize it and tax it. Well, that's an argument. That's not my main argument. My main argument is that it's a plant and it's not hurting, but I don't want to get called a libertarian by 400 people again. It's a plant that's less dangerous than, you know, tobacco. And we let people do that, and we should let people do that. It's way less dangerous than alcohol.

I got all the dumb stats if you want them. Yeah. But that's my argument is the only reason this prohibition exists is because of racism. Is it? Yeah, it was started in the early 1900s, the movement to get it prohibited, to get marijuana to make it criminal offense, was because Mexicans were bringing it in.

and toking up and having a good time. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We just wanted to, Mexican, we didn't want Mexicans to have a good time, so we made marijuana illegal. That's pretty fucking spiteful. That's something I would do. Yeah, and you know, Mexicans are good at having a good time.

Not specifically against Mexicans. I know what you're saying. That's why they all went into gardening. Why? Because of weed. I could grow it at home. The Marijuana Tax Act was introduced in 1937. It required sellers to obtain a license.

Blanket Prohibition was not the intention. Harry Ainslinger, the Bureau of Narcotics Commissioner, testified, this was his, he testified that it had a violent effect on degenerate races. What? Yeah, that was the quote at the testimony. That's his argument. Yeah, that's where this all started. Oh, boy. He specifically referred to the Mexican immigrants who entered the country seeking jobs during the Great Depression.

Oh, the degenerate races. So, wait, how long ago was this? That was the 1900s. 1900. Well, that was, that was a 1930s. So marijuana wasn't always illegal though, right? Up until that point it wasn't. Nobody cared.

Nobody gave a fuck before. Because it doesn't hurt anybody and it doesn't do anything. It just makes people stupid and annoying. You know, Dick, so that's the thing I keep seeing is it pops up on all these marijuana activist circles. They have this graph that shows the number of people who died from drunk driving last year, you know, a couple thousand, whatever. Maybe let's say it's 10,000.

Don't correct now. I don't give a shit. It's not relevant to this argument. And then they showed the number. of people who died from weed and it's zero, zero, zero, it's always zero. But the number of conversations that have died from weed is in the millions. Countless.

Yeah. Countless. No. I know. I know. I agree with you. I hate it. That's way more important to me than whoever died from. And I don't care who died from it. Hey, how did you annoy me with it? If somebody dies, that's a conversation starter, isn't it? Yeah. Good one.

Let's see. Yeah. How about this one? Continuing on with the racist theme. I've got two graphs. One says the people by race who've smoked weed, and it's roughly 60% say they've smoked weed in their lives. 60% of people have. Yeah, between white and black. However, very next graph, people arrested for weed.

Black people, four times. Four times is white. That is insane. You can't recover from that. Yeah. Like, that is a major, that is a major fuck you in the criminal justice system. I don't care what the cause of it is. Yeah.

Like, okay, there's just. around the ghetto more and there's more drug transactions in a tighter space to enforce. But that's hugely fucked. It's super fucked. And you know what it is, Dick, too, is marijuana is so prevalent. It is kind of like a poor people's drug. Everybody has it. I mean, poor and rich, sure.

But poor people are more likely to have drugs like marijuana than, say, cocaine or heroin or higher, you know, more expensive stuff, right? I don't know that that's true because meth is very cheap. Oh, that's true. I mean, according to what I looked at, everybody's got weed and everybody's doing it. Yeah. It's like across the board. 60% if 60% of people are doing it, it's not illegal.

Yeah. It's just not. Well, I mean, that's like watching the Super Bowl. Yeah. We're all doing it. We all did it. Okay. That's a shitty argument.

Why? The Super Bowl is not a good argument. But here's one. But the 60% part. Here's a similar one. Speeding. Everybody speeds. Right.

Right? Everybody at some point speeds, and yet people get so fucking high and mighty about it. They say, oh, well, you shouldn't do it, and it's there to protect us. Idiots, it's there to generate revenue. Right. Let's just stop fucking lying to ourselves for five minutes. Look, if you're against marijuana prohibition, and by the way, or if you're for marijuana prohibition, and by the way, I don't know exactly where I am on this one.

For the longest time... Well, that's why I wanted to bring it in. Yeah, for the longest time I was opposed to legalizing marijuana because I feel like cigarettes and cigarette smoke is on the march towards illegalization because of the health care costs, right? So you think cigarettes should be illegal? Well, I think that cigarettes, look, you want to do it fine, but we can't have a world where you're allowed to smoke cigarettes and then also have a world where we have public health care. We're moving towards the direction of public health care. I agree with you on that. Right?

If you're going to tax the system And I have to pay for your shitty disgusting habit Then you better pay for your own health care Because I don't want to be I don't want you to burden my bills And I feel like marijuana smoke As much as they try to say it's safe And this and that blah blah blah

There's still studies It hasn't been studied enough And I see studies coming out all the time Does it need to be? It makes you stupid No, it doesn't just make you stupid There are some health risks To smoking marijuana Sure

Yeah Let's smoke that's smoke you're inhaling into your lungs. That's cancerous. That causes cancer. There are carcinogens in there, right? Yeah. And it makes, it like makes kids IQs over, if they, if they're heavy users for 10 years, drops their IQ by 10 points. Yeah, it totally does. And it also, there's also all these weird, it's not quite as habit forming as tobacco, but. 9%, 9% get addicted. 30% get addicted to tobacco. Okay. So that's a third of the people who smoke, uh, either tobacco or marijuana. a third of the people who smoke marijuana are getting as addicted, right?

I mean, look, man, the health things aside, why I'm kind of towards the middle now about not deciding whether it should be illegal or prohibited is because I do know some people who legitimately use marijuana for medical reasons. My friend's mom, she's in her late 50s, early 60s, something like that. She had some cataracts and she had some back surgery done. and all the painkiller she took, nothing helped. She's pretty conservative lady, too. And she's not like one of these potheads.

She never grew up smoking this stuff. She decided to try it just to relieve her of the pain that she was suffering from, and it worked. It's the only thing that worked. So I'm kind of like, okay, I can see the medical benefit for this. How about this one? You know how many people are in jail?

Because of marijuana? How many? 700,000 people get arrested every year. Arrested for marijuana. You know, that's a lot of cop activity. On a long enough timeline, some percentage of those are going to go very wrong. Yeah, of course. Right?

Of course. In addition to that, they're enforcing a law that everyone doesn't respect. Yeah. Right? Yeah. So if you're enforcing something that no one thinks should be enforced, judging by these 60% of people do marijuana, they're going to hate you. Yeah. You know what I'm saying?

I was with a friend of mine who's a cop. and I was going on a ride-along a long time ago. I was on a police ride-along. You know, that's where you sit with a cop and they take you on patrol with that. Yeah, you sit on their lap and ride around town, I know. Yeah, more or less. I've been on a ride-along.

Okay. Have you really? Have you been on a ride-along? No. Okay, so I went on a ride-along, and I noticed this car traveling down the road with its rear exhaust completely smoking and it looked like it was a mess.

And so I pointed out, I'm like, hey man, look at that. He goes, oh, let's check it out. So he turns around, like, pulls over this lady, It's this woman and her aunt, and she's driving, she has a baby in the backseat. So they're driving someplace, the engine's smoking, whatever, and then he decides to check her bags for whatever. And he found that inside this little cup, like a baby sippy cup, there was a tiny little baggie of marijuana that she'd stored. There you go. And so he said, well, I got to arrest her, and he arrested her and put the marijuana, and because the marijuana,

Juana was in the Sippy Cup, she also got slammed with child endangerment. Okay. So she got taken to jail, and meanwhile, the aunt who didn't speak English, had to take care of this baby in this beat-down car who, and I don't even think she had a license. So then they had to go into debt, calling a cab to come pick them up and take them to whatever their low-income housing. It was a big problem, man. Impossible to escape now. Yeah. Impossible.

Because you've got a child-endangering drug charge on your record. Yeah. For having a little baggy. You're done. You're done. and the rest of your family tree is screwed. Causing more crime, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And when you put this woman in jail,

she's not going to be able to pay the fines and fees and penalties. Guess who is? Yeah, the taxpayers. Yeah. Doesn't California just give you tickets now, unless it's over a certain amount? I think they relax that stuff. Yeah, I think it is decriminalized here.

Yeah. You do get a ticket. Yeah, it's kind of ignored. I know it's like a possession ticket or something, but unless it's over a certain amount, in which case you're probably still in big trouble. You know, I have a lot of friends who smoke a lot of pot and I just by being around them have a ton of pot clothes and accessories. I don't even know,

because I never smoke, but I have two or three pairs of pot socks. Actually, to be fair, I bought those. Pretty cool. Because I thought there were maple leaves, like Canadian maple leaves. Yeah. Green maple leaves? Like maybe they glow in the dark. I thought they were cool. I got him in a skater shop and I'm like, oh, those are. Big syrup supporter over here. Yeah. I was like, I like Canada. That's Cool. Let's see. How many people are in jail because of weed? It's not free to send people to jail.

700,000 people, you said. Oh, no, that's how many were arrested. I think, because we have a, I forgot the total prison population. It sounds, it's like 2 million people in the U.S. are in prison. It's one in every 100 people in the U.S. It's roughly one in every 110 people is in jail in this country. It's more, it's like 10% of the population. No, no, no, no, that's like one.

1%, 1%, 250 million adults, so let's just say 2.5 million people in jail. It's a lot. It's more than the number of people arrested in China, I believe, and that's really saying something, considering they're the most populous nation. Yeah. So, guess what all of them are in there for? Weed. Half of them are for drugs, and marijuana makes up 27% of that.

So 13% of people in our jails are there because of weed. Hmm. 30,000 people? Well, Dick, you talked me into it. I think I'll give you an upvote. It's more than anything else. That's more than immigration. That's more than sex offenses.

Yeah. That's more than drawing cocks on people's cars. You know what happens when you smoke pot, Dick, is you get the munchies. And when you get the munchies, you overeat. You eat too much. You get fat. Go vote up obesity, people. Oh, there you go.

You want to hear about the positives? The positives of marijuana? Yeah, makes you a safer driver. Makes driving safer. Is that true? Is it because their reactions are slower? It's hard to say I have an alternative theory States that have legalized the drug

have reported 8 to 11% fewer accidents I think it's because people who are getting shit-faced are now smoking weed Oh, I see what you're saying I think it may be because they lose the motivation To leave the house That could be too Or wherever they are

They just smoke and they just sit around on their fattasses Good Veterans are using it against their PTSD But then we don't get things like Rambo I don't know if that's a positive Ah man, with what's pot around, Rambo wouldn't have existed. Suicide drops dramatically. Five percent drop in suicide rates.

And real jobs. People get real jobs. Growing legal weed. I don't, yeah. Oh, it's a crop. Yeah, it is a crop. Well, Dick, is that all you got? Yeah, I guess so.

Hey, you know what they do in jail, Dick? What? They read a lot. They do. Thanks for reminding them that this episode is brought to you by Audubon. Please visit audiblepodcast.com slash biggest for your free audiobook download. Max, you know about Audible?

No, they've updated their copy. I've got an updated copy in front of me. I would love to hear it. They've got 180,000 audio programs from leading audiobook publishers now. It used to be 150. I don't know if you remember that. They added 30,000 titles

since they advertised on our show. We are responsible for that. You're welcome, Audible. That's right. You can listen to them, just like you're listening to this podcast right now. You get a free. Let me find it.

You sign up with our code. You get a free book. Books like Steve Jobs, the autobiography. You want to listen to that? In his voice? Absolutely. No. It's the zombie. Damn it. The one person who you could get to read a book without his consent.

Icon. Steve Jobs, the greatest second act in the history of business? Did you bring that in Dick? Yeah, I did. I thought you might like that one. Oh yeah, I'll be sure to read that one. Okay, how about why is the penis shaped like that by Jesse Bering? That's a real book? It's a real book.

Oh, man, that's... You want to download that? Yeah, I kind of do, actually. All right, all right, all right, all right. All right, Dick, is that all you got? Yeah. All right. Go to Audible podcast.com slash biggest for your free audiobook download.

Wait a minute, you want to hear something from Osterios before we go on? Oh, yeah. It's your boisterousers, coconuts. There you go. April 14th, 2003. The human genome project is completed with 99.99% of the human genome sequence. totally spoiling the end of the movie of our lives. Hello, some of us wanted to be surprised by life.

We were told the future was unknown, ours to create, filled with possibility. Thanks for ruining the plot gene mapping. Maybe we didn't want to know if we'd end up with gray hair, cancer, or our father's inability to meaningfully connect. And plus, how are we supposed to blame everything wrong with our lives and our parents if they're just computer robots too? Thanks a lot, Human Geno Project. Thanks for nothing. Never met anyone who didn't like the Human Geno Project. Was he being sarcastic?

I have no way to tell about. Sounds like the plot of the movie April 15th, 1850. The city of San Francisco is incorporated. Finally giving the homeless a place to pee. Yep. During the gold rush of 1848, the population of San Francisco exploded from 1 to 25,000. 24,000 of them. Completely insane homeless.

homeless men named Zeph, who refuse to stop staring at your girlfriends or wives. And the gold-brushed mentality proudly lives on today as San Francisco is one of America's most expensive places to get pissed on by a crazy person. Didn't know that. Yeah, it's the most expensive place to be homeless and crazy. That reminds me one time I was at a coffee shop. I was going there with a girl I was dating at the time. And this dude comes up. How big were her cans?

Let me think. Like a good cara-cara orange. I don't know what a carrot is. It's basically a navel orange a little bit smaller. Oh, okay, all right, all right. So we're walking up. Please continue. We're walking up this homeless guy comes up.

So he goes, hey, hey man, I'm not going to touch your lady. I just wondered if I could get a dollar. All right. Well, now, sure. I was dating this girl with huge cans. Double D, we're talking. And we were waiting in line for a movie over in Pasadena. This homeless dude's kind of ambling around.

He walks up to try to talk to us. I guess, and she drops a bunch of change in his cup. Oh, boy. And he's like, uh, that was my coffee. Oh. So I just gave him some money. I'm like, get the fuck out of here. Was this homeless guy wearing a suit just sitting there, like reading the New York Times?

I don't know. I was just looking at her cans the whole time. Great. All right, Dick. Let's get to a real problem this week, huh? Wage gap truthers. Yeah. Yeah.

Dick, I, I've been working. like a madman on my latest post and video that I just posted. Cool. Yeah. It's about this very issue. I tried to finish it in time for last Tuesday because last Tuesday was International Wage Equality Day. I know.

I was talking shit on Twitter all day about that. Oh, really? Okay. See, I wouldn't have known because I blocked Twitter and Facebook to get work done because Twitter and Facebook suck. So what's the deal? What's their gripe? Why do they need a day?

Well, first, for people who don't know, the International Wage Gap Day, That is supposedly the amount of days that a woman has to work just to earn the same salary as a man Because... Zero. Why they just take half of it? There you go, Dick. No, because women say that a lot of women's rights groups,

women's advocacy groups, say that they make only 77 cents to every dollar a man makes. 77 cents. So, Dick, a long time ago, I came across the statistic because I was writing my book The Alphabet of Manliness and I was looking

I was looking to write a joke about the wage gap something along the lines of you know God was going to punish Eve for eating the apple and to punish her entire gender he says okay now you have to make blank percentage

for every dollar a man makes so I don't think that's very good joke Dick in context it's great all right why don't you make up a better joke dickhead uh All right, let me think. Hold on. 75%.

No, you got me. That is a very... That's a very joke. Anyway, yeah, that actually, that section of the book, someone actually did a play on it. They actually brought it, they brought it to their college, and they took the script, and they made a play out of it. On your book? Yeah, my book. Oh, wow, that's cool.

Yeah, it was really cool. That specific section. So that 75 cents to the dollar dig, I looked it up, and I thought, well, I better get this number right. I might as well, I'm writing a book, and I'm an author, I might as well get my facts right, right? So I looked it up and I couldn't quite find the source of it. Of course not. There were lots of different sources. When I looked it up, it was 70% one year, and it was 72%, and then it was 75% and 77 and 82 and 64.

It was all over the fucking place. I couldn't even find the same number within the same year from the same source. Different sources said different things, and then I thought, well, this is really strange, because it's something that's so ingrained in our society, right? You say, well, women don't have equality when it comes to wages, which always pissed me off, Dick, because I'm an egalitarian. And I think most reasonable people are. And so when I heard that, that really upset me.

I thought, well, that's fucking bullshit. If a woman's working equal work and she should get equal pay. Yeah. Right? Very simple. Sure. So I started doing research. That's what started me down this path of research. That was in 2006.

What's that? Eight years ago, right? So that was a long time ago. And I finally, all of that research and everything finally culminated this last week when I finished this article. Today? Oh, wow. Yeah. That's exciting.

Yep, I brought it in. It's a real life work. Here we are. Here we are. With 15 minutes to go over eight years of work. I can't wait. Hey, in your research, did you uncover the number of men who've got raises because their boss wants to bang them? Uh, no, but I do know...

Is there a day for that? I do know personally some guys who have, uh, who have climbed the corporate ladder by banging their bosses. Really? And I've had... Were the boss's chicks? Yes. Okay. And I've had opportunities myself, Dick, that I have turned down.

I don't believe that. Yeah. What do you mean? Why do you believe it? Well, I don't know, because you only have that one job to go. Like, how... What happened? Yeah.

No, there have been other opportunities, my friend. Well, what? were they? I'm not going to disclose it, man. The bottom line is this. I had opportunities and I passed on them. All right. All right. So, it does happen. It does happen. It's less frequent. It's less common. However, Dick,

there's the smoking gun argument that I have, which basically shuts everyone down when you bring up the wage gap, because they say there's a 77 cents of the dollar. That's a bullshit statistic because it doesn't control for the number of hours worked. If a guy works the same amount of hours as a girl,

the type of job that he works, a female chemical engineer is going to make the same as a male chemical engineer if they have the same experience level, education, tenure, region of the country, marital status, whether or not they have kids, whether or not they have to take time off for kids, not only for themselves to get if they get sick, but also for their kids if they get sick, to take time off to go to their children's functions at school and things like that. If you control for all of those variables, you know what they found, the Department of Labor did the study, the commission the study, they found that the wage gap shrinks to anywhere from 93 to 95%.

You know what they probably left out, celebrity news sites. That's that last 5%. What do you mean? Women on their phones all day at work being on celebrity news sites. Dick, I try to bring in... I try to bring in a well-reasing. And thinking about puppies. Do they have that in there?

Great, Dick. I bring in this well-thought-out, great argument, cogent argument. Go ahead. You shid all over with your sex is bullshit. Yeah, no, Dick, I don't think they controlled for Candy Crush Saga. There you go. So there's this group, Dick, called the... The group is called the American Association of University Women, the A-A-U-W.

This is an advocacy group, right? The A-O? Oh, great. Great letters, ladies. Yeah. So they're one of the big ones who are really pushing the 77% number. If you Google the wage gap by gender or wage disparity, by gender. One of the first links that come up, I think in the top two, is their website.

And they're really pushing the 77% number. They have numerous studies that they release year after year after year based on the same data. They change it a little bit here and there, but they release the study as a long 64 plus page document. And then they release an executive summary, which doesn't really talk about the numbers. They just say 77% blah, blah, blah, blah, and they don't really talk about the methodology or the data. Yeah. I pulled up the 64. page document, the really long one, right? And I thought, well, they can't deny that if you control for

all these variables, the wage gap is going to disappear. They can't deny that. Well, it turns out they don't. They actually admitted... Oh, really? Yeah. In this document, they admitted that when you control for all these variables, the wage gap is 93%. They went with the lower figure.

They went with 93 instead of 95. But they still had to admit that it's 93% when you control for these variables inside this women's advocacy group study, right? However, in a 64-page document, they only mentioned it one time, in one sentence, buried deep, deep, deep in the document

near the end, near the bottom, and with one chart, that's it. That's the only time they mentioned it. And then they tried to say, well, but it's still a problem. Why is there a 7%? So there's a 7%... Because you're lying. That's why it's 77%. Because you're just fucking lying. They're misleading. It's misleading.

Sure. I mean, it's true if you just look at all jobs across the board that all men work versus all women work, but that doesn't control for any number of factors. It's true in the way that you're not saying it. Like, it's true in a way that you're not implying. So, good work. Thanks for helping us all out. So, Dick, this 93% number that they came to, they said, well, that's true.

It's 93% when you control for all these variables, but that still doesn't explain one-third of the disparity. Now, when you hear that number, that one-third number, you think to yourself, oh, well, that sounds like there's still a 33% gap, right? Right. They're not talking about that. They're talking about one-third of the 23%, which is 7%. That's a real shitty way of saving 7%. I sound like I'm just like paroding my script, but this is just coming right from my head.

I'm not reading this anywhere. Seriously, that's 7%. They're trying so hard to make it sound bigger and make it sound badder and make it sound like they're more of a victim than they actually are because they have an agenda. You know what their agenda is, Dick? Money. It is money. It is money.

It is money, yeah. Because they're all fucking liars. Anybody coming up with stats is doing this. No, not always, Dick. Some people, see, you're such a cynic. You're such a cynic. Listen to this. It's pictures of kittens and puppies that explains that 7%.

I promise you that's true. No. Their study, even in this women's study, this AAU report, they said that some of the, they had to admit this. They said that some of the disparity can be explained because women simply don't ask for raises. Of course not. Well, why of course not? Well, first of all, because they don't value themselves as highly as men do.

Okay, I regret asking. That's a study. What are you talking about? When self-reporting their value to a company, they report low. They always do. I brought that in the Ask for a Raise bonus episode. Yeah, you may have mentioned that. I think, are you referring to the phenomenon that's called Imposter Syndrome?

Because that's what Jessica Williams was accused of. I brought that in like three, four episodes ago. Jessica Williams is the black. I brought it in before that. I know you did. But is that the name of the study you're referring to? I don't know. I just looked at the numbers.

It was the percentage of women who say that they deserve more money. And it was just less across the board. Right. Just to refresh everyone's memory that imposter syndrome is what Jessica Williams, the anchor on the daily show, was accused of, which is a phenomenon where people think that they are not worthy of the success that they have achieved. So sometimes people say, well, women have this. They, for some reason, because societies beat them down and hammered them down so much. But Dick, back to this point, I want to make this point real quick.

With the AAUW, here's their agenda, right? They have this legal fund. It's the legal anti-discrimination fund, whatever. But they only take up certain types of cases with certain criteria. And one of their criteria is, if they want to take your case, if you have a sexual discrimination case and they want to fight it for you, Yeah. One of the requirements is that you allow the AAU to publicize support for these cases internally and externally, including the media on their website and in electronic and print communications. That makes sense.

They want to use you as a spokesperson. Yeah, they want to use you. So say you've had a traumatic sexual assault at your work. Say that I did? No, I mean, as a woman. What did I? Oh. Say if you did and you were victimized.

Okay. Don't threaten him with a good time. Yeah, I was going to say. Let me get my erotic story music out. If you are accused, if you are, if you have been sexually assaulted and you want to bring this person to justice, they will not take up your case unless you agree that they can use you and publicize you and publicize this case and make it to get more funding. Yeah, but that's what they do. That doesn't make it right.

Oh, right. They're providing you legal counsel for free, aren't they? All right, Dick. But aren't they? No. So you have to pay them? You don't have to pay them. No, you don't have to pay them.

It's not entirely free. They cover the majority of the expenses for the legal fund, but not your personal travel and things like that. I'm not really upset by that. I don't see how that's wrong. Go get another lawyer then. Yeah, well. I mean, don't get hoodwinked by these. Well, but let's not pretend that this is altruism.

They're not trying to do anything good here for women. If they're just only, if they're going to take up your case, but they say, well, you know what, we want to help you. but also we want to help ourselves. Will, which is it? And also, it's the most egregious form of self-interest when you are further potentially victimizing someone who's experienced sexual assault. If you've had some... I'm sure you've known somebody who, at the workplace,

has experienced sexual discrimination, or at least sexual assault on some form. I do. I've known girls who've had their asses growled by their bosses, and finally, when they spoke up about it, their bosses try to fire them or intimidate them. It's a real shitty thing. So if you go to the AAU and you say,

hey, I'd like to bring suit against my boss, and they say, well, not unless we can publicize this and splash your name all over the media, well, you might say, no, fuck off. I want to keep my private light private. I want to grieve and deal with my trauma in my own way. Or maybe they're okay with it. But regardless, they shouldn't be forced.

They shouldn't have their hand force by this organization. They can go anywhere they want. I mean, I get that, like, you don't like hypocrisy, but they could just go to another lawyer if they don't want. if they don't want that. Yeah, but that's not the point, Dick. The point is they're not doing it out of altruism.

Oh, these women? The AAU isn't. Oh, yeah, of course not. No, they don't really care. I mean, they might, they might care about, they don't even care that they're perpetrating a ridiculous lie on the entire population. That they're perpetuating this divisive statistic that means absolutely nothing at best and is a blatant lie at worst.

They don't even care about. that. Like, they don't care that they're directly harming everyone. Yeah. That, because that number, that number only breeds contempt and jealousy and a hot, like, how many women believe that? A lot. All, fucking, every woman I've talked to will throw it in. Like, even if they don't mention it, they believe it somewhere, because if you hear it from everybody, it's impossible not to. Yeah. It's like people who say your hair and your fingernails grow after you're dead. It doesn't. They don't. But everybody believes it because they hear it from everybody. It's a hopeless cause to try to convince them otherwise.

It's fucking hopeless. I don't think it's hopeless. I think that we just have to take our time. It's going to take a long time to do it. But we have to slowly. It's kind of like Lemmings jumping off of cliffs or George Washington's false teeth being wooden or whatever. All those urban legends. Slowly over time, little by little, people can be enlightened to it.

I believe the website, Snopes, is really helpful because of Snopes. And there's another website, Dick, called Politifact. Have you heard of Politifact? I have, yeah. Yeah, Politifact is actually really good. It's a nonpartisan website, which is what I like about it. They will call out the bullshit of all politicians, not just conservatives, but liberals as well. No, all right.

No, they do. No, there's a few of those. I think it's like factcheck.org. Factcheck.org is another one, I believe. There's a few of them that are nonpartisan. Yeah, pretty much. Yeah, they just want to get down to the bottom of it, which I really appreciate. Factcheck.org, however, so when Obama, during a state of,

the union address in 2014 came out and he said there was a 77% figure right the 77 cents to the dollar fact check.org came out and they said hey uh that's mostly false and he they explained how that number's misleading yes specifically in the way and then another another politician came out and made those same claims and they called him out on it too they said those are mostly false those are really misleading numbers you guys are they're very misleading yeah they're really misleading numbers So they're doing a good job, I believe. So Dick, you know what's interesting, though, is that in spite of this staunchly held belief

by women and men, most of society, really, that women are paid less than men, despite that, women overwhelmingly have a higher job satisfaction rating than men do. Yeah, that's part of the ask-for-a-raise problem. What do you mean? Because they don't ask for a raise because they're more satisfied with their jobs.

Also, I'm saying that's another reason why. Could be. So I looked into why, and the prevailing theory by a lot of feminist authors and feminist academia, is that women have been so browbeat and conditioned by society to think that they're worthless, that they don't even ask for a raise because they're so victimized, they're so weak, they don't even want to, they don't even want to try. However, they're still somehow happier at their jobs, right? What can you talk women into doing? Like, this is a real question. Can you try to talk women into doing? Can you try to talk women into? doing something she doesn't want to do. I mean, honestly, that's like most of my life is trying to talk a woman into doing something that she did. And I'm not talking about sex.

I'm talking about anything. Yeah. Like, so what? We all banded together and brainwashed these women into thinking that they're thrilled to be at work? That's the, that's the, that's the, that's the argument. Which, by the way, makes women sound weak. How about you see how insulting and condescending that is to say that women are so suggestible

that you can tell, you can feed them shit in it. tell them that it's a steak and they'll be like oh, steak, right? How about, how about, hey, sweetheart, stop worshipping Disneyland. Spend your whole life, you're never going to get that message through. Dick, what the fuck are you talking about? You can't talk them out of or into anything.

Okay, Dick. I don't, I don't agree with that. What do you mean? What do you mean? Women are, are you. Are you saying women are, what? You can't rationalize with them? Is that what you're saying? No, the opposite.

I like how he takes you on the ride and then kicks you out of a moving car. Yeah. I totally agree with you So what? So we can convince women that they're thrilled to be at work But we can't talk them out of doing annoying shit that I hate Oh, I see what you're saying. You're saying that you don't believe that that's what women are have been conditioned into believing

Yeah, I think they're, you know, like people Yeah, yeah, yeah That have like motivations internally Oh, I misinterpreted what you said, yeah Okay, that's what, that's my life, man People just misinterpreting everything I'm saying They think I'm a bad guy, but here I am Just trying to agree

Yeah. Thanks, Dick. Wow, good guy Dick Masterson. Yeah, man. So I looked into the statistic and that's the main reason that people say, which there's no evidence for. Here's my theory. My personal theory, and I'm not saying that this is substantiated by any evidence or facts or research or whatever. I like it. All right. Okay. This is my own personal theory. When they control for job type, women make large the same as men. But when you're not controlling for job type, well, suddenly that disparity reappears, right? Because then you're comparing people who might be working at McDonald's versus people who are, I don't know, petroleum engineers

or somebody who works in... Or CEOs. Yeah, or CEOs. Or somebody who works as a crab fisherman, who's way more likely to be a guy with a much higher... So wait a minute. If I have a crab boat, I can just hire all women at 77% of the salary. Or if I run like a sanitation service,

I can just hire all garbage women. Sure. Holy shit. I'll rent everybody out of town. Yeah. I should do that. Because you'll save 77% percent, or you save 23% on the wages. You know how insane that figure is to say that companies could be saving today, right fucking now,

23% on their wages, and they're not tripping over themselves to hire women to fill these jobs? The first thing they would do. They do anything to save money. They're breaking laws by hiring illegal. immigrants left and right. They're trying every chance they can get. Illegal immigrants, they know they can bully because if they speak up, they'll kick them out of the country. They know they can't pull that shit with women. If they could simply hire women and pay them less, they fucking would. You would see women accounting for the overwhelming majority of the workforce, and you just don't see that.

Yeah. They hire employees who don't speak English. That's all women do. Speaking all the time. That would be the workplace. Good job, Dick. We'd look like the like the Serengeti. It would just be the men, the male lions doing nothing all day and the women just working their asses off for 77%.

For 77%. You know, Dick, so that wage disparity and the job satisfaction, there's so many studies about this. The job satisfaction paradox, that's actually a thing. It's a phenomenon that's known, and there's so many studies that have looked at this.

It's called the wage. Here, I got the actual name of it. I wonder what that is. I wonder what that's all about. I'll tell you what my theory is in just a second. It's called the gender job satisfaction paradox. And my theory is, Dick, that the jobs that pay more are more dangerous. You are responsible for more.

They're more stressful. You work longer hours. You work overtime, and you work extra time. So those jobs pay more, but they are miserable people who are working those jobs. a lot of times. Like, I used to work at one of those jobs when I worked for the telemarketing company. There we go.

Can we put this square on the bingo game? Fuck you, dick. Sorry about the telemarketing company. You know what? I just found out that you weren't actually on the phones. That's how I always pictured you. No, I started out on the phones, Sean.

Oh, you did? I did. How many calls did that last? No, I was on the phones for about a year. Oh, my God, really? Yeah, I was there for a long time. And that's the reason I got my IT job, and I got my foothold in the IT department,

and then worked my way up into programming, it became their research and developing programmer, is because I was so bored on the phones, I would memorize the script and then sit there with my eyes shut, and they couldn't tell if I was asleep, which half the time I was, they couldn't tell if I was asleep, or if I was on a call and just reading the script with my eyes shut,

because I memorized everything, including the rebuttals, including the codes, and I would get so bored that I would sit there and hack the computers and break into their Unix system, and I would fool around with the little scripts and write the, little payroll things and I'd shut down my computer when I didn't want to work and I'd turn on

you know, disabled calls and just fuck around with the computers. Finally they said, hey man, you should probably work in IT you know what you're doing and that's how I got that job. But when I was at that, when I was at that job, Dick, wait, what was the... You were talking about how I was right that Reefer Madness is a huge problem. Dick. You were talking about women working jobs

that are not as stressful and miserable. Yeah, this job was really stressful. When I became a programmer, it was a programmer. it was a really stressful job because I would work around 60 to 80 hours a week and I hated it. I hated my life. I gained weight during that time. That was another big period of weight gain in my life. Yeah.

It was a shitty job, Dick. I would sit there working in just a smelly little office with a bunch of IT people, you know, like computer nerds. Yeah. And it sucked. I worked on Thanksgiving. I remember having to go in. I remember being on my vacation traveling abroad. and having to log in through my phone in a Wi-Fi in an internet cafe to take care of some fire that came up,

it was a shitty job. Yeah, it paid well, but I was stressed out. So somebody who has a stressful job is obviously going to have lower job satisfaction than somebody who has a job that's not as stressful, but they're also not making as much. Well, I hear what you're saying. Maybe that's true. I'm going to pose another alternative theory. men like being miserable.

Don't we? We get here every week and bitch about how miserable we are. You know what I mean? I don't know if women do that. Like if a guy with a survey came up to me and said, hey, Dick, how do you report your job satisfaction? I'm going to go, well, what the last guy say? And he said, well, it was like a living hell.

And he said, well, mine's like two living hells. Put that down. Yeah, is that the male version of what? Just gossip, I guess. It's like being a martyr. We just do. We get together and commiserate over how miserable life is, because it is. All right, Dick. Nice theory. That's my problem. The wage gap truthers.

That's pretty funny. Thanks. What's your last problem? My last, oh, shit, we're running out of time, man. Let's hear some more. I got time for it. It's a quick problem. Let's hear some more Sterios Coconos and his biggest problem in history, the biggest things that went wrong this week and last week because he got it in late. April 18th, 1923, Yankee Stadium is open,

finally giving New Yorkers a place to yell around a lot and be rude. Before Yankee Stadium, New Yorkers simply had no place where they could rant, complain, raise their voices, shout unsolutioned advice, make a mess while eating, get way too drunk, turn minor differences of opinion into brutal fist fights, presumptuously act like you're a member of their family. Make sure that you know that they know what's going on. recall people they just met, my friends. The notoriously repressed and humble folks of New York City

finally had a forum. Thanks, Yankee Stadium. You have any Yankee Stadium? No, Justin Kaz. Sean, do you have any Yankee Stadium? Well, no, the original's torn down. Oh, I didn't know that. There's a new one, though.

Well, Sean, the rain cloud of fun. It's across the street. Sean's the rain cloud of fun? Oh, sorry, Star Lord. Fuck you! That tiles taken. No. All right, here's the last one I'll play of Stereos.

April 15th, 1912. The RMS Titanic sinks in the North Atlantic Sea. Oh, wow. Leading to the greatest disaster of the 20th century. Good. The movie Titanic. Oh, yeah. The mighty vessel took two hours and 40 minutes to sink.

That's right. It took the Titanic less time to sink than it takes to watch Titanic. Hopefully, I've talked long enough so that Dick can surprise Maddox with a Titanic clip. Now, Dick, shown the clip. Better not. No, I can't. Yeah. Look in his face.

It's funny. It looks like a bottle of hot sauce. Yeah, he's got that bulging vein thing going on. Oh, my God. Is he going to die? You can imagine, though. Is he going to chime in anymore? During this clip.

It's a great joke, dick. I'm going to play that along with. Every clip from now on. Good. Then I'll just fucking leave. I'll go get a burger. You can fuck off in here. Hey, I don't like watching it either. Oh, you said you liked it. You said you like love stories. I like rubbing it in your face. Doesn't mean I like watching the movie. That's all for now. Until next time, this is a stereo's coconut saying.

The past can go fuck it's out. That's one of the best ones yet, I think. Yeah. I love that guy. Yeah. Oh, man. That pisses me off. I'm really angry now. Because of the Titanic? Yeah, because of everything. Although I am happy that the Titanic sunk, so there's that. Well, you should smoke some weed, man.

That ought to mellow you out. Wait, I will not smoke weed. I also change my mind. I changed my mind. I'm actually not happy the Titanic sunk, because had it not sunk, maybe I wouldn't have to sit through that horrible bid that you do when your problems come in with more votes. I guess we'll never know.

I guess. Because time machines. Do we have time for, oh yeah, you would go back in time and prevent the Titanic. from sinking. Yeah. So you wouldn't have to watch that bit anymore. Talk about false altruism.

There's some fucking false altruism for you. I'm not doing it for you guys. I don't give a shit if you guys die. I just don't want to have to watch a movie a century later. It's all fake, man. Oh, are you a truther? Are you a Titanic? Truthism is fake, I'm saying.

Oh, okay. Yeah, you'd be the last person I would want on that ship trying to save it. Well, I would do a good job. No, you are immediately condescending. with every person. Well, first of all, you're Middle Eastern. I'm not. I'm Armenian.

There's that. Oh, I didn't know there was a difference. Oh, yeah, there's a huge fucking difference, asshole. Why don't you look into it? Why'd you pick up a book? Okay. Yeah, why'd you go to libraries? If you dance like this,

if you, with snapping, rubbing invisible quarters together in the sky, like you're snapping, but you're not snapping. I don't do that, asshole. Then I call you Middle Eastern. No. So I don't think they would respond well to that, first of all. Okay, it doesn't matter whether. fucking response you know what if i showed up on that ship i i'm so charismatic and yes condescending

but but sometimes you listen to a condescending charismatic leader right don't you i think people do i don't know about that name who's a condescending charismatic leader uh me no degress tyson there we go okay well there you go sure he's condescending and charismatic there you go he's a perfect example maybe i'm wrong yeah eat my asshole let's uh let's have a contest let's travel back in time and save the titanic all right you want to hear what one more problems we could or else everyone's going to bitch that we only had two problems. Oh yeah, God forbid. You know, somebody was bitching about that. He's like, yeah, uh, what's the deal guys with the three comments lately? Or the three problems you guys are

bringing in. And someone commented and said, hey, uh, would you prefer zero problems? They don't have to do this, dickhead. I saw that. Yeah, what's your last problem, Dick? Getting too high. Getting too high. A good, uh, a good, uh, pairing with your other problem. Yeah. So, you know, weed day episode. What's wrong with getting too high? Well, uh, you're, uh, you know a lot of things. You look like an asshole. You do look like an asshole. See, the problem is, the problem with weed is,

you can't get too drunk, but you can get too high. You know what I'm saying? No, you're absolutely wrong. I would much rather be around somebody who's too high than too drunk. Although there is a point of drunkness where they pass out where I'm just drawing shit on their face.

See? There you go. But if you're too high, you're just sleeping. Yeah, but then if you're too high, you're just sleeping. you get too too drunk, then it's just alcohol poisoning, and that's going to really just bum people out if they die. You ever been too high? No, I don't even think I've been high. I've been high maybe like once, but no. You get high on life. Okay, dig. That's not making fun. Is it true? What? That you get high on life. Is that an accurate statement? Like, how can you explain

to someone who's never been high if they're high, like what it's even like to be high? You know, that's what, that's my problem. I sound high right now. That's my problem. That's my problem with people who say, you know, they try to convey an idea that is internal to someone else who has never experienced it or maybe has never experienced it. Like headaches. How do you know a migraine that you think that you're having is an actual migraine compared to someone else's headache? You might just think you were having a bad headache. That's true.

I was trying to explain to a girl what Busting a Nut felt like the other week. Great. I can't remember what I said, though. Um, I, you know, it's so stupid, Dick, because I was having this exact same conversation. Different, different time, different people. What do you mean? This conversation we're having right now? Yeah, I was trying to explain to a girl. I'm like, what it, uh, what it feels like. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. It's weird. It's hard. It's hard. It's very difficult. I'm going to work on that. I'll bring it. I'll come back with that next week. Go through some homework. Oh, it's hard, buddy. Getting too high. I fell off a stool at the Pacific Dining Car last, last week. What's the Pacific Dining Car? It's a steak restaurant. Okay. It's too high.

Yeah. You fell off a stool? Yeah. What an asshole? Yeah, I know. Why were you so high? I've never fallen off a stool because I was drunk. Yeah.

Too drunk? What are you just turn into a goofy idiot when you're high? That's what it does to you, man. Hmm. So, so, Dick, let me get, let me get this straight. Your problem this week is you fell off a stool at the Pacific dining car. Yeah, but I got other examples of getting too high. Okay.

I was going to a rave one time. Was this a burning man story? No, I got a burning man story back getting too high, too. Great. Yeah, I was going to a rave one time. I was supposed to meet a bunch of friends there. Yeah. So they were bringing all these pot brownies, right?

Edibles are murder, too. I don't know if you know that. I have, oh, okay, I take it back. I have done an edible before. Oh, then you've been high as shit! There you go. So they panicked in line. They had a whole plate of pot brownies.

Yeah. And they panicked in line because the bouncer was like frisking people. This is in college, so they're terrified of authority. And they decided to eat all of the pot brownies as quickly as possible. Oh, man. To get through the line, because they want to waste them, right? God forbid. They get into the rave at like, I don't know, 10.

Yeah. Found them at 6 in the morning, all sleeping on top of each other and these beanbags out in the front. Idiots. You blew it. You know, I feel like pot and alcohol to an extent, maybe both the same extent. But I think that it's a way that people

obliterate their senses so they don't have to contend with life. Yeah, that's exactly what it is. Yeah, that they don't have to deal with their demons. Yeah, you get it. I know people who just smoke non-stop. And it's because they don't want to be present enough to think about what they've done.

Or have it done. Happy 420, everybody. Yeah, yeah, enjoy it. Is that harshing your buzz, you idiots? You fucking... Yeah, well, I mean, you got video games, right? That's what you do. Yeah, but it's not...

Yeah, but it doesn't... I don't check out, I think, when I play video games. Especially... You can't hold a conversation when you play video games. Oh, that's a fucking... Okay, you should see me play Street Fighter when I'm on the phone, buddy. When I'm talking on the phone and I'm playing against someone else in Street Fighter, everyone gets pissed off because I'm so good.

They say, hey man, because I'm always like holding back like one arm behind my back when I'm playing Street Fighter, right? Oh, my God. I'm playing against all these rookies and suckers. And then when I'm playing... When I'm talking on the phone, I'm paying more attention to the conversation, and I just go into muscle memory with Street Fighter, right? And I'm just kicking ass.

And everyone's like, hey, this isn't fun because you've won 30 times in a row. I'm like, oh, sorry, I'm on a phone call. I'm not paying attention. I forgot that I'm playing with my master self. All right. You got my problems. Yeah.

Riefer madness and getting too high. And my problem this week was wage gap truthers. Don't forget to vote on these problems at the biggest problem in the universe.com. supporting us with Audible, guys. It really helps out the show. See you next Tuesday. Let's see here. Oh my God. Talk about non-fucking problems this week.

I think you guys have really gotten to the end of the biggest problem in the universe. He brought an enormous problems last week. Yeah. It's obesity, bacon, love, and taxes. That's a huge problem. You dumb motherfucker, if you have a problem with taxes, you got to have a fucking reason. I mean, they're necessary. without taxes we don't have roads or infrastructure.

I get, you know, we spend it too much on military. And like maybe your problem should have been taxes. It should have been how we spend taxes. Because I agree, you know, I agree. We spend way too much on military. It's a fucking waste of money on Mike. Thanks for this really thoughtful point you brought in for our non-problems, dips shit.

But you spent like fucking two minutes talking about this non-problem, apparently. So big of a non-problem that it took two months to get. Obesies is kind of a solution because these fat fuck die faster. No. No. So therefore we're just decreasing the population of people are too stupid to take care of themselves. I can't take it anymore.

Good. You know what, you moron? Listen, it's such a fucking non-problem that it spurred a two-minute debate you had with yourself on a fucking voicemail, you idiot. That's how much of a non-problem. Sorry, we brought in this problem that has spurred no controversy or debate. Really, it's not a problem.

Guess what? You wouldn't be calling it if it wasn't a problem, shithead. Fuck. Speaking of having a debate with yourself, here's a call. Dick, you fucking tick. I'm listening to Episode 47 right now. I'll tell you what, Belloc did not follow Indiana Jones to find the fucking lost arc, okay? He saw Indiana's guys digging it up. Oh, man, I'm so glad. Of course, you're talking about the beginning of the movie with the Havito's,

From the case, he did follow him to find it. Then he called back immediately upon realizing his mistake. Okay. Hey, Dick, this is Pete again. I just called, I was talking about your reference to Indiana Jones on episode 47. I do apologize. I think it's pretty obvious. I think it's pretty obvious.

When Bellwock follows Indiana Jones, he just hangs out outside the opening of the cave, waiting for him to get the idol with the hobitos. So I immediately jumped to think that you thought he was talking. I immediately jumped to the, I've been drinking, I immediately jumped to the point that, you know, you were talking about him finding the Lost Ark, and Belloc followed him if you get a lost arc, when, you know, he didn't, he had to roll in the group,

and he didn't talk. Right, now he's got to apologize for talking too long. I got two more. Oh, somebody wrote you a song, Sean. Oh, we got a, a, show. song for Sean. Yeah, I gotta play at this episode too. Let's hear it. Let's end on this one. Yeah. Perfect. I love it already. My name's Ativa Sean. I'm in leave on the farm. I'm here nice this all day with the

Bill Cosby Mon. Hey, but in this life there's one thing I need when the day is over, I want to burn up some weed. Yo, where's the green? It's gone. Why? Because last night I went full-blown I deleted the weed. I deleted. Wait, that was it? Hold on. I think I accidentally exed out of it.

Oh, my God. I deleted. Oh, that is it. What a stoner way to end of song. What a stoner way to end his song. He had to get it in. At least he got an in by today. Oh, that's incredible.

We got to post that on the website. That was great.