The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 5

Episode Date: April 19, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe. I'm Maddox. With me is Dick Masterson. Hey, buddy. How you doing? Pretty great. Doing excellent. Who wrote that theme song?

I feel like we should be thanking them. Brett Mann, actually. I just added him to the Who on the website. So if you click on the who portion of the website, the who link at the biggest problem in the universe.com, you can see the guy who made it. He's awesome. He's actually done a lot of music for my YouTube shows.

Cool, man. He made the Maddox metal riff, which is badass. He's a very talented dude. Yeah, and he likes fuzz boxes. Me too. Oh, I'm right. Is that euphemism? No, that's a musical term.

Oh, okay. That's that sound. That, ah, ah, right. Cool. Well, I thought it was like a... What do you think I was talking about? What could fuzzbox mean? When I say I really like fuzzboxes, what do you think I'm talking about?

Like a fuzzy box. What do you want to say? say Sean. With us as always is Sean, our audio engineer. That's why this sounds halfway decent. Thank you, thank you. Maddox, you will be pleased to know that there is a fuzz box called the Big Muff. For real. Been around since the 60s. Makes my, my image yourself so happy. Wanted to make your day complete. You could never be a musician because you'd be up there giggling about the parts the whole time. Oh yeah, I got yelled at when I had to sing something in elementary school. Probably turned me off to music forever. What did you have to sing?

We're coming to America by Neil Diamond And when you say half to sing What do you mean you had to sing? It was just me I was singled out It was my third grade teacher We had to sing it for the governor And my teacher was so pissed

Because we fucked up during the song And we started giggling And she came back Her face was red, furious And she said, you guys make me want to croak Oh, F you. Yeah. All right.

What do you got? Yeah, let's get to the board. So last week we had the problems. Guys who need to get laid. College, expensive steak, and dogs. So let me just say, before you read, who's in the lead, that I don't care about the voting. That means nothing to me that you always win. I don't care.

Everyone can suck it. Doesn't matter to me. But go ahead. Read the stupid vote. voting results like always. Okay, well, coming in to number one is guys who need to get laid. Yeah. All right.

Good. That's me. Surprise, surprise. You finally ranked. And then number... What's second? The second problem is college. Oh, two.

Which, okay. Two, that's both for me, dude. You got skunked. Yeah. F you. Well, eat a dick. You know why? I am the winner.

No, you're a loser. I am the winner. You are the king of. the losers. I'm the king of the losers. That's right. You are loser number two. The reason people voted guys who need to get laid is because, like, 100% of those votes came from guys who need to

get laid. Yeah, that's right. Losers. You're the king of the losers. Yeah, whatever. I'm the north, you are the south, butcaro. And then college. You just got a bunch of, like, frustrated college votes. Great. I am SEAL Team 6. You are Osama bin Laden. I just annihilated, I just smoked your ass.

Yeah, you're still, you're, Your seal team pander. Oh, man. That's great. And then comes in expensive steak, and then dead last is dogs because everybody has an addiction to dogs, which just proves my point. Thank you for voting at last, because you guys just proved my point. No, your thing with dogs is weird, because you've never had a dog, so you don't understand why they're cool. You don't need to have a dog to understand.

Well, I guess everyone disagrees with you. Yeah. No, it's because people have dogs, and they can't, uh, they can't. can't feel threatened. They can't feel like they can agree with somebody even though they have a dog. All right. I don't care. I won that you're just jealous because if there was a chick in here, she'd be like, ooh, Dick, you look at you and all the votes you got. That's so sexy and manly. And what about this guy over here with no votes? You look like garbage. Chicks actually are very turned off by Dick Masterson.

I've gotten several. Nope, I've gotten several. There's a comment right now on my Maddox wall that says I don't like Dick. Masterson. Because I, because, what do you need? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? The constant onslaught, the on the barrage of, like, anti-women and, like, stupid theories that are all bullshit and the desperation to get laid. I think that's why. Um, I don't care. That's not an insult to me. Yeah. There you go. Look, I'll take it if it's easy, and I'll work really hard for it. Doesn't matter to me. You guys are just feeding him. You're making it more powerful. Okay, so let's, a couple comments on wanted to read from last time. The first one comes from Damien.

Damien, he's from Antwerp, Belgium. He says, the college and stake problem, and he put problem in quotes, see more of a problem in the U.S. than the problem of the universe. Neither of those issues apply to me as a European. What changed? The other ones were universal. Is that how people from Antwerp sound? Like they have their names.

nuts and advice. Yeah, Damien, that's, yeah, that's Damien. He's European. So he doesn't think it's a universal problem? Yeah, I guess in Europe they don't have steak, right, Damien? Is that what your problem is? And they don't have, what, dogs in Europe? What exactly don't they have in Europe?

How's that not a European problem? They have guys that need to get laid, though. Yeah. Yeah, I guarantee. Winner, chicken dinner. I guarantee Damien needs to get laid. His profile picture is like some stupid, goofy, like, cartoon character. You say that like an insult. We all need to get laid, dude. Get over it.

No need to. Come on. It's not a problem here. The next comment is from Nicholas from Olin, North Carolina. He says, I'm with Maddox on the stakes. Also, Dick's debate method is to simply repeat his rebutted argument. This does not further his point, nor in any way validate it. I do agree with Dick on the college issue, comment though so there you go great so I made my point there great so you got a you got a frustrated college loser oh well he's not a loser he agreed with me all right nick he could probably sing Neil diamond songs Nick for the governor yeah I don't know about that I don't know about that let's get to the problems please yes okay number one this week uh I get to go first because I'm the winner right just go go first you're the biggest loser go first I'm the biggest loser go first I'm the

The king of the losers. We can agree that I'm the biggest and the king. Here's my first problem. Table Nazis. Table Nazis. Okay? So, I'll tell you what it is. I went to Stout Burger last week.

You know the burger place? It's like a delicious, it's not the best. It's like the best burger place ever, man. It's like all the waitresses are hot. And like some of them are not. not a bitch and the burgers are like they look like they came right out of a commercial and they're all it's all like high quality like crispy prosciutto and like the sauce that i don't know what it is but it like tastes amazing they have the rockeford cheese on it uh yes they have that cheese on it bullshit and they've got

like a hundred beers on tap and it's like on a patio it's outside it's really not like i'll plan a whole day around just going to stout burger sure like my buddy will call me up like i'm coming off of work early. I'm coming over and let's go run up like a $300 tab at style burger. Yeah, I believe it. So I go in there and I want to get a burger. The girl won't let me sit at a two-person table because there's only one of me. So where are you supposed to sit? On the toilet, in the bathroom, I guess. She invited me to sit at the bar. Oh. I was like, uh, no, I would like to sit at the table like a human and not like a depressed alcohol. sitting at the bar by myself hunched over a bar with my feet dangling off a stool like a child.

I'd like to sit like a man at a table. So I'm immediately incensed, right? I think about leaving, but I really want the stout burgers. I'm like, well, what's, what are you talking about? She's like, well, you know, they don't want, they don't want you to sit at the table if there's not the full amount of people to fill up the table. Well, how busy was the restaurant? Was it pretty full? Does that matter?

Yes, it matters. What the, you too? So now I'm pitching myself to you in restaurants that I should be able to sit and eat like a human? They're running a business, not a therapy session. They don't give a shit that you don't have friends. Yeah, here's the they part. Because this is not what pisses me off. I get running a business.

It's not they telling me I can't sit there. It's this woman who's supposed to be a hostess telling me I can't sit there. You say woman with so much venom. Well, that's what it was. Was she hot? Uh, no, or else I don't think I would have been as pissed off. Of course. Because then you would have sat at the bar like a little lap dog and then have it and then flirted with her.

Talk to her. No, I would have invited her to sit with me. Um, but here's, here, okay, here's really why it pissed me off. This is why it's a problem. Because people don't, like, don't ask. They don't sit there and think to themselves, gee, what do you want to do? What are you trying to do here? And how can I not get in the way of you doing that?

Hmm. I personally do the opposite. I look and see what you're trying to do, and I'm all about obstruction, baby. What are you trying to do? I'm getting in the way. Are you telling me you've never gone to a restaurant and been denied it?

Like, if there's one four-seater table left, you walk in with two people, they're like, they don't give you, they don't give you guff for wanting to sit at the four-person table, and something's like, ooh, I don't know. Gosh, if you guys sit there, maybe a party of four will come in,

and then we're out two precious diners. No, it depends. No, it depends. If it's a really busy restaurant and it's very busy night, like it's a Saturday night, something like that, I'm going to, yeah, you know, I get it. They're running a business. I'm not going to take up a giant fucking... How do you understand? How do you get that? Because look at the flip side, Dick. If you show up at a restaurant with your four friends and there's one loser bozo sitting at a four-person table and you're just sitting there waiting around with your dick in your hand because that guy wouldn't sit at the bar. Sit at the bar, dude. You don't have to take up a giant fucking table. You don't need that much real estate for one person. Get a bigger place. That's the solution. It's not my problem. My problem is not table logistics. My problem is getting a burger and $50 a beer in my stomach as quickly as possible.

That's what I'm thinking about. Great. And it's interesting that you're suggesting they get a bigger place. What Dick failed to mention is that this burger joint, this burger establishment, is in the heart of Hollywood. Like, one of the busiest places. So if they did get a bigger place, it would cost more. And those costs would be passed on to you in terms of the burger. I don't care.

I know you don't care, but you also wouldn't go to the burger establishment because in order for them to find a bigger place, it would probably have to be outside Hollywood. You would have to drive further. That is. You have to go further. First of all, Stout does have a location outside of Hollywood. I know. And it's not as good. They have one in Santa Monica.

It's weird. It's like in a parking lot. Like the, in the Hollywood one, the patio is like on the street and you can look at people going by. But in the other one, it's like the patio is in a parking lot and it feels too ghetto. Dick, you've never been to a restaurant. restaurant in Asia, have you? You've never been to an Asian restaurant. In Asia? Or Italy. Have you been, you've been to Italy? Please. I've been to Italy more than you, Buckow. I don't know. I don't know about that. So in Italy, I went to this really... What the hell? No, I've never been to a restaurant in Asia. Okay. So in Asian restaurants, like in Hong Kong, if it's very busy,

if it's a very popular place, you show up and you sit down where they tell you to. You sit down, you might have to split a table with some strangers. Cool. I did the same thing in Italy. When I went to this really fancy, like one of the most renowned pizza joints in all of Italy, it's so busy. They don't have time for your precious manners and your precious little etiquette and your table Nazi rules. You sit down where they tell you to, and you might have to split a table with some strangers. Well, you have to sit at the bar? They didn't have a bar at this place. But who cares?

Oh, no. So what? So what? I'm being a princess because I want to sit at a table. You're being a huge princess. Yeah, because who cares? Just sit down and get your fucking bar. Also, if you're sitting at the bar... I don't want to sit at the bar and jab dudes.

Look, I'm a big guy. I don't want to jam a bunch of other idiots in their ribs while I'm trying to eat a delicious hamburger. That is lies. There is plenty of space in between the seats. I've seen the bar as to this restaurant. Wait a minute, wait a minute. I will bet you that there is not space at that bar.

Plenty of space. No. And I've sat at the bar before and I sat next to chicks. And guess what? We talked and it was awesome. No, it was all dudes there when I was there, though. Yeah. Look, you know, I don't always want, sometimes I just want to sit down and eat the damn burger.

And I don't want some hostess telling me where I can sit, where I can and can't sit. That's the issue. You just want to walk in like you own the joint sit, wherever you want. I don't need her at all. She doesn't need to be involved in the transaction. I can just walk in and sit down. A sign that said, hey, Dick Masterson, go fuck yourself, propped up at the front of the restaurant, would have been more useful than that girl. That's all I'm saying.

Yeah. I don't know. I think they hire a hostess. because they want to maximize their... And you know what, I'll give you the... They hire the hostess to make you feel welcome. Yeah, she made you feel welcome. She made me not feel welcome.

Go sit at the bar. Go sit at the bar. What do you want? Well, okay, again, I wasn't there, so I don't know how busy the place was, but if it was really busy, I'd get the rid of it coming from. If it's not busy, sure. You should be able to sit wherever you want. I don't care.

Like, I've gone to restaurants where it was dead, and I just sat at a booth for eight people. Like, who cares? I can't believe you're cutting them this much. slack. Yeah, I get it. They're running a business. So what would you do? Just eat at the bar like a sucker and hang your feet off? I have and it was great. All right, well, that's my problem. That's your non-problem. Non-problem. Okay, so table notches. That's universal problem too. I bet that happens in Antwerp. Oh yeah, we'll, we'll make sure that Damien chimes in and lets us know if that happens in Europe. Damien, we don't know that. Okay, let's get to it. Let's get to a real problem.

here, man. My first problem this week is marriage. Marriage. Are you looking for a sound clip? No, I don't have... You know what?

In my head, I expect the theme song for Married with Children to start playing when you say that. That's a great theme song. Oh, and speaking of that theme song, you know on Married with Children, the DVDs, they didn't include that song. Yeah.

Yeah, it's horrible. Yeah. Okay, marriage. Yeah, that's a big problem. Yeah, it is a big problem. So first of all, let's look at the statistics. 50% of marriages end in divorce, right? Okay.

I don't know that that's true, but I don't care either way. It is true. It's sure it sounds about right. So here is something kind of interesting. Since the recession hit in the last three, four years, well, before the recession, the marriage, or the divorce rate had gone down. Okay. So during recessions, the divorce rate goes down.

Why do you think that is? Wait, wait. During a recession, there's less divorces. Right. Probably because people can't afford to live on their own. Like, it's a lot scarier to try to, if you don't have a job, to try and survive on your own. So it's just better to stay with whatever jerk you're sticking it to. That's exactly it.

That's exactly correct. Here's actually a news club saying... During the recession, a lot of people felt so financially strapped that they couldn't even figure out a way to split up. According to the University of Maryland, there's 150,000 couples that waited until economic conditions got better. Isn't that depressing? Why? Like, if you're in a miserable relationship, first of all, you know that Lewis Black clip where he says that when somebody says they're getting a divorce, you should congratulate them because no good relationship ends.

Sure, right? I guess. So you are in a miserable relationship and you can't even get out of it because you can't afford to. Isn't that the most depressing thing that you can think of? Not really. Okay. Who cares? Who cares?

Because they're just a bunch of idiots who are together because there's nothing better. Isn't that what a marriage is, basically? Like, there's nothing better for you, so you got to stick it out with this jerk that, like, fails you every day in a new and unique way. And you're like, whatever, I'm just too tired to go look for anything better than this. Dick, like, talking to you makes me feel like, I. I see the world grayer after we have a discussion. Like, everything's a little bit more bleak. Everything's a little bit more depressing.

I feel like I have less to live for after talking to you. That's why I don't think it's a problem. It's like, people get married and you're like, okay, I'm sure your relationship sucks. Like, you're all fun in games on your wedding day, but like I know who's that good? Who's really that good that you want to stand there in front of everybody? Be like, ooh, I really love this person. Like, okay, whatever. Like, I'm sure they're a jerk.

Just like everybody else. Yeah, a bunch of Jackoffs getting married. Oh, and you know, I'm getting to the... So I'm past the hump now. I'm past the hump where all my friends were getting married. And now I'm getting to the point where all my friends are getting divorced. Do you tell them congratulations when they do? Not always.

I'm pretty supportive. However, I did have a friend recently who did get a divorce and had a divorce party. And it was... Yeah, I mean, it was kind of weird. I didn't know what to expect, but they were both there. and it was, you know, just the supportive environment. The reason they got divorced is because they said they're taking different paths in life and they still love each other, but they don't want to be, you know, they need to, like, go their separate ways.

And I get that. But again, you get that? No, I get the reason for the divorce. Okay. Not the reason for the marriage. I don't see any. I feel like, so this is a thesis I've been working on for a long time I may be writing about soon, but I feel like there's no better way to tell somebody that you don't trust them,

than marriage, than to insist that they marry you. I guess. Right? Because if you say to somebody, hey, I love you, I want to be with you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you. And then they say, well, why don't you... Well, why don't you... And they say to you, well, why don't you take the next step and why don't we get married? Yeah.

That's saying that they don't really trust you. They're undermining your vowed to them. I think you're thinking about it like a computer, though. Because, like, people just get emotional. They want it. They want to make, people like making proclamations like marriage. Dick, how is that at all rational? Like, that is the opposite of a rational decision.

Why would you make an emotional decision? What's rational about plugging a piece of your anatomy into a broad? Like, none of it's rational. What are you talking about? Of course it is. You have to reproduce. That's why we have that drive. That's not rational.

Reproduction is rational. You have to. Otherwise, we die. That's the end of it. So you're saying that the reason you want to bone chicks is like this global meta sense of needing to propagate the species that's retarded. It's just a biological impulse. You just want it, man. Yeah, like this.

Yeah. No, you're not explaining. Dick was making a disgusting hump motion. Everybody knows what I was doing with that sound. Ooh. Oh, my gosh. I want to like wash my ears right now. No, the reason you're not explaining why.

You're explaining what. You're just explaining that there is biological response, but not why. The reason is... Impulse. No, it's... It's a biological impulse. Again, that's what, not why. What's the why?

What the hell are you talking about? You're explaining what, not why. Tell me why. That's like explaining why you have two arms. You just do. You evolved with it. Like, it's an evolutionary trait. Okay.

What more do you want than that? Because it increases our chances of what? It's how life works. What the hell are you asking? Dick? We evolved two arms and opposable thumbs because it increases our chances of what. Survival. Exactly.

And that's probably why we also. That's not a logical choice. What do you mean what's not a logical choice? Evolving arms to survive is not a logical choice. Neither is wanting to bone. I mean, it's not, it's not, what do you mean? What are you talking about? You're not making the choice to have arms or want to bang broads or want to get married.

It's in your DNA. Okay, okay, to want to and then to execute. Are you saying it's the same thing? To want to have sex. To want to bone is a biological impulse. Right. Yeah, there's no reason for it. You don't need a reason for it.

You do. It's for reproduction. Okay, I don't, there's nothing to argue here. You're just wrong and we're going around in circles. Okay, so what's wrong with marriage then? What do you mean what's wrong with me? First of all, it wastes so much fucking money. Right? How much money have you wasted just going around to marriages?

Oh, my God. Yeah. A lot. Yeah. And you got a dress up. and it's the same song and dance, it's the same jerk off, we're standing on, say, oh my God, oh, it's so lovely, it's so beautiful. Yeah, and you never get laid.

No, nobody... The return of getting laid to going to a wedding is, like, lower than Vegas. Well, it's... Right? You can't, right, you cannot get laid in Vegas. That's a marketing ploy to give people to go to Vegas. Nobody gets laid in Vegas. Yeah, Vegas is bullshit.

I hate Vegas. Wedding, and weddings are one step below it. Yeah, I think, I think you have a less, you have a lower likelihood of, you have a lower likelihood of getting laid in a marriage or in a wedding at a wedding yeah then in Vegas and also in marriage like a lot of marriages and because they become these long

boring sexless relationships yikes yeah terrible so you were saying before we got into the biology thing yeah you're saying that it's not logical to want to propose to somebody there's the only

the only reason I can see the only rational reason I can see to want to get married is if you're ready to have kids because then it just makes things less complicated. It makes hospital visitation rights easier. It makes a bunch of things easier. You can worry about the name thing easier. There's a lot of things that it makes less complicated if you're ready to have kids. However, outside of that, there is no fucking reason to ever get married.

And every time I asked one of my friends and I ask them, why are you getting married? They say, oh, well, you know, we just want to make a public vow that we love each other. I'm like, then do it. You don't need to do, you don't need to get married to do that. Yeah, I think you're looking for too much logic in this. Like, I hate marriage and weddings, but still, I think it's just built into people. Like, it's like a fun pretend time that they get to like, oh, look at all this dumb stuff we're doing and saying, and everyone believes it. Whoa, we feel so good.

Yeah, but you're not explaining why. That, again, you're explaining the what. All you're saying is it's this thing that we do. But the reason we do that is this tradition is steeped in, in, in, like, medieval times. when they wanted to make it easier for property to be handed down from generation to generation. It was a way to create treaties and allies. I feel like I'm making your head explode

with this explanation I keep giving you. I'm trying to figure out why. Because it makes sense to me, but it seems to, like I can see veins. I think steam's going to start shooting out of your ears. So angry. I definitely think there was an analog for marriage before the Middle Ages.

Like I'm sure they had some sense. stupid ceremony dating back to the beginning of civilization. Are you sure? People would be together forever. Yeah. I mean... Yeah, sure. These are always steeped in some kind of political thing or...

You're saying poor people didn't do this? Like you're saying poor people didn't sit there and say, like, I'll be together forever? The landowners had a vested interest in making sure that their servants, their subjects, stayed together because it made their kingdom more stable. It brought more property value. So you think everybody is brainwashed to want to be married? Yes, because there's no point. You can be in a relationship as long as you want.

You don't need to be married. I was in a relationship for over seven years one time. We didn't get married. Oh, my God. What is this? Talking about our feelings. No, I'm kidding. Dude, that's...

No, I don't... I can't believe I'm defending marriage to you. Who they are. What hell? Am I doing this show? What has happened? It's not, it's not logical. Bring back dick. It's just not supposed to be logical. Like, it's retarded. No, that's my point. If it's not logical, then we shouldn't, it's this, first of all, I don't have a problem necessarily with doing things that are purely emotional. I don't do them because I don't have any. But if you, if you do, any emotions, any emotions. Okay. I'm dead. I'm dead inside. So, but if you, if you also do something that's emotional that costs your friends and family, tens of thousands of dollars. and then you piss away tens of thousands of dollars on one fucking night on some bullshit party. When you could have put that down as a down payment for your house or travel with the world or put it towards college or anything, then that's when I have a problem with it.

Yeah, I'm with you on that. The fact, like, people have weddings and they act like they did you a favor by inviting you. But they should be, like, apologizing. Like, I'm sorry I made you blow at night. Yeah. I'm sorry I made you spend all this money. Oh, and the worst is a holiday. day wedding, right?

They think they'll lump it into Labor Day or Memorial Day or whatever day off. Like Thanksgiving, oh, we're having a Thanksgiving wedding. Everybody already has it off. It's convenient. Yeah, it's convenient for you, Dickhead, because then you're going to go on your honeymoon, but the rest of us wasted our vacation time coming to see you bozos get married and then of course get divorced four years later.

Yeah. I'm with you on all that like normal stuff. Like it's a rip off and like I've, dude, I've probably spent. a couple grand in destination weddings. Oh, easily. Already. Yeah.

And they're just always, like, even at their best, there's just like, yeah, it was a wedding. That's what I did. But still, I think your reasoning for not, for thinking it's a problem is like a little, like I can imagine you explaining that to your girlfriend. Like, look, the reason why I won't get married is because there's no logical reason for that.

And I start rolling my eyes immediately because it's like, do you never want a blowjob again? Why would you ever say that? Oh my gosh. What? Dude, do you let girls hold blow jobs hostage to marriage? It is. You just tell them that you string them along with a promise of marriage so that you can get blow jobs?

It is the only important thing. It's the only thing that matters to me in the world is getting blow jobs. So I will do whatever to get them. Okay. Including whatever it takes. Sad. Again, the world is great. How is that sad?

Because you shouldn't have to. Like the girl should want to every to every girl ever Oh yeah oh they want to Yeah Because that's the only time it counts when they want to Get out of here I once talked to a friend who was defending marriage And he said that the reason marriage is a good thing

Is because he said you know sometimes when you're in a relationship And you have a fight with a girl and oh I've heard this stupid I've heard this response from a lot of guys go ahead Yeah So you have a fight with a girl And you know rather than storm off and end the relationship, if you're in... Like I do.

Yeah, like you do, because you're very emotional. Rather than storm off. I stormed that a stout. Like, that's it. I'm out of here. How dare you treat me like this? In a tizzy with your skirt. And then I got on the internet and complained about it.

Oh, no. Yep. Oh. Princess Masterson. Oh, I've become my dad. Yeah. So, so he's making the case. He says, rather than just storm out of a relationship, if things go bad.

If you're in a marriage, it forces you to have a cooler head, to calm down, and try to work things out. Yeah. However, the flip side of that is, marriage also prolongs a bad relationship. Well, my first response to the first part is, like, what are you? What do you have another chick lined up that you're going to go bang? Every time I've ever heard that from a guy, I'm like, you have no play. You're just here because you need to bang?

Like, it'll be years before you bang another chick if you're not here. What are you talking about? Oh, marriage is good because we can fight. And then in the morning, like, neither have you. are going anywhere. Yeah. You don't have any other opportunities. That's why people get married. Yeah, a bunch of dead-enders. They're terrified.

Yeah, they're terrified. That they'll never get to bone again. And it's almost exclusively a thing that the girl's pushing for. I've rarely ever met a guy who's like, yeah, I really want to get married. I really, like, this is my goal. I want to get married. Yeah. Anyway, that's marriage. So your problem is marriage and gay marriage, basically. We can say that Maddox thinks gay marriage.

is a problem by extension. Oh, very, very nice. Very nice. Is it the same? Gay divorce rates? I don't know, but I'd imagine it's comparable. I know in lesbian relationships, I've heard that... I've heard that they bring a U-Haul to the first date.

Is that accurate? What, just move right in? Lesbians, yeah. I don't know. That might have been a joke. Well, we should probably... But I was laughing, so I can't tell. We should probably check Wikipedia.

It's probably on there. I've heard in a lot of lesbian relationships go stale much, much sooner than straight relationships. I have heard that. But I don't know. I imagine like gay guys have it all figured out, right? Like, you know, they're the ones who get married. And usually they, a lot of my gay friends who are married have been together for like 20 plus years. So, you know, they're happy, whatever.

But the gay guys who aren't married probably have the best lives. Because they have the sex drive of a man. And then they have... Okay. Go ahead. They have the sex drive of a man, and then the dating pool is all other men. I don't know. You know, like, I think about, because, like, it's easy to say that.

But then if I'm, like, what if I, like, the only reason that chicks I'm dating really pissed me off is because I want, like, I want to bang them more. I want things out of them that I don't want from my friends. Like, with you guys, I'm just like, okay, whatever, that was dumb. I got to get out of here. I'm going to go play video games. Yeah. So with, like, a chick, it just, it annoys me because I have to sit there. and try to bang her.

So it's like getting hammered in the head by the annoyances. Like I feel like maybe gay guys are like that too. Like maybe they sit there and they're hitting on a guy and it's like, oh, God, this guy's really driving me nuts with this BS, but... No, no, no, no, no, I gotta bang him. It can be. No way. Maybe it's the same.

What if it's the same? That's all I'm saying. No, I think that gay guys, from what I've seen, they're way more straightforward. If they want to have sex, they just walk up to the dude and say, hey, let's go have sex. That seems a little stereotypical. No, no, I'm saying I've seen this. You've seen gay guys approach?

Oh, yeah, yeah, totally. I've seen it happen. You know, there's, it's all across the board. You have the gamut. You have people who flirt, like, gay guys who flirt with each other and try to pick each other up. And then some guys who are very straightforward. They just say, I just want to have sex. That's where Tinder came from, the gay app, Brinder, yeah.

Which is brilliant. Are you, did you get all your weird marriage stuff out? You know, I got enough out. I'm getting pissed. I'm, like, too sweaty right now. What else do you have? I'm not trying to be obtuse about the biological thing. I'm just saying that it's not logical.

Like you're looking for logic and it's a thing that's not logical. It's like looking for logic in why someone likes music. Like, they just do. No, there's probably a scientific explanation for why we like music. There's probably some evolutionary reason for it. So marriage, so I mentioned marriage prolongs a bad relationship. Also, after a divorce, this is kind of interesting. A woman's income goes down by about 40% and a man's income goes down by about 25%.

So you both stand to lose, right? And after divorce, you're entitled to your ex-spouse's social security benefits if you don't remarry. And then anything you make during your marriage is susceptible. So you have to give up like 50% of everything you make essentially during the marriage. I can't think of anything more vulgar than two people who, well, there's a couple of things I can think of that they're more vulgar than what I'm about to say. However, when two people are in love and they like each other, they're spending good time together, they're happy, they're best friends. Uh-huh. Best friends.

They say, well, I mean, you know, in an ideal relationship. That doesn't happen. Whatever. That's just something that's just something people say, oh, we're best friends. Like, no one ever means that they're really best friends with their wife, do they? Again, grayer and grayer. Like you call your wife, oh, you got to hear this, like, story. Sean was driving home. We saw this Mexican guy kick a soccer ball under a bus.

And then this other guy shit in his pants. Like, that's what I tell my best friend. You're going to call your wife and tell her that story about a bum shitting in his pants on the street? Yeah, right. Yes. Your best friend. Get out of here. I have dated many women who are like that to me.

Who are your best friend? Yes, absolutely. Oh, get out of here. Just get right out of town. Maybe I'll go to stout. I'll sit. Well, I'll go with you just so you can get a table and then I'll leave. So, jokes on them.

So you'll be sitting there at their precious table by themselves. That's a hilarious joke. Yeah, anyway, so there's nothing more vulgar than, well, okay, it's not... Two people getting together. Two people getting together. And then saying, let's involve the government. Let's bring the government into this union. Well, I agree with you big time on that.

Yeah. It's disgusting. Why do we need to document this officially with the government? Why does the government ever have to come into any of this? You know what I am in favor of, though? Marriage for scam. Like if you're going to do it for health insurance or if you're going to do it for tax reasons, I'm all about it. Because the government's looking for every opportunity to screw you.

So you should also return in kind. Is this, are you propositioning to me because you know I have health insurance? Is that what this is? Is this an elaborate con so I will want to marry you to share my health insurance with you, you scumbag? Is that what you're doing here? I see what's going on. I'm on to you. I'm on to you.

No, I don't want to get married. Is that your elaborate way of asking me to get married? Let me think about it. It might be. Yeah. All right. It's a big problem. Marriage.

Let's move on a year's second. Car insurance. Car insurance. Oh, wow. I am so glad I didn't, I was thinking about bringing that problem in today. Car insurance today? Yeah, I was thinking about car insurance. Okay.

Let me tell you what happened to me. I wrecked up my car, a little bit. bit. Uh-huh. A lot. That's unfortunate. I ran it into a... This is what happened. I hit an unavoidable natural obstacle,

lost and water in the rain, and hit a curb. That's what happened. Let's just leave it at that. Okay? That's what happened to my car. There are a lot of questions I have. No, there's not. That's the story.

That's what the insurance company knows. happened, that's what's on the accident report. So shut the hell up about what happened to my car. And it looked like Paul Bunyan hit the front right tire with an axe. That's how it looked. So basically, like, destroyed. Yeah. Paul Bunyan would fuck up a car, right?

Oh, yeah. You better believe it. So I took it in to get repaired, right? And I've been paying car insurance for whatever, however long I've paid it for. Right. Never used it. Yeah. I get in there.

And they're both the mechanic. The mechanic and the insurance company are like, don't worry, we'll take care of it. So they're going back and forth, fixing my car for me, figuring out what gets fixed and what doesn't need to be fixed. And I'm sitting there on the sidelines getting an update every couple days going, wait a minute. No one in this equation gives a shit about me. Like these guys are fixing things and basically getting approval from the insurance company, who doesn't care, and the body shop sure as hell doesn't care. They just want to get it out the door.

Are you looking for that personal touch and customer service? No, there's no one for me to strangle and say like, hey, jackass. Like, at the end they say, well, we can't match your rim. That rim doesn't get made anymore, so do you want to like us to just approximate it? I'm like, no. I want you to fix, I want to have four matching rims, you know, like a real car. Like everybody else. I want it to look like you would want your car to look like, you stupid jerk.

That's what I want to do in this equation. I want that person to be involved, and they're not. Right, so they would either have to replace all four rims so they match. Yeah. Or pull out their big guns and go to a junkyard or check eBay and find a rim. I guarantee they can find that rim somewhere. Right. So I was going to do that.

So I'm like, just let me get my car and I'll do that. I'll fix it correctly. Right. And they're like, well, what are you going to drive it on? got no wheel. So I'm like, okay, dude, yeah, I guess I'm totally screwed here. What am I going to do? Go get a placeholder wheel, drive it to the auto body shop, then drive it away and start doing it. Meanwhile, I'm out of car by three weeks. So I'm totally ho. So I'm like, you know, just do whatever you want? So they negotiate with the insurance company. Now I'm

stuck with Persian rims. Like Persian racing, like the guy, I pick it up and the guy goes, hey, what do you think, but pretty cool. I'm like, uh, yeah, dude, you nailed it. Like, it looks exactly like it looked before. Thanks. Sounds pretty cool, bro. Those Persian rims sound like they're number one. You would love them. Number one racing rims, my friend. You sounds like you got an upgrade, my friend.

He wheeled out the old rim. It was like this beautiful black-spoked rim. He wheels out the old rim. He's like, what do you think? Pretty good match. I'm like, yeah, it's a pretty great match, except the one you put on it has all this goddamn writing on it that says, like, how much racing that I do. Thanks a lot. It's exactly perfect. You're telling me they don't have any blank rims? Like, they didn't have one blank black rim? This makes me happy.

Oh, my God! Why don't you just sand it off if it bothers you that much? Sand it off. What the heck are you talking about? Come on. That's their job. That's what they should have sanded it off. It sounds like you got you a pretty cool rim, my friend.

You know what? You know what? And when I went in there, I said that you referred me to them, like thinking I might get some kind of discount. You know, I am so tired of this. Bullshit, it's not just you. All my friends use me for the Armenian card. They're like, oh, they go to an Armenian mechanic.

They're like, well, my friend, you know, my friend is Armenian, you know, you should come in. And I've actually gone to a mechanic shop with my friends. No, because my friend's like, oh, this guy's Armenian. Why don't you just hang out here. Maybe he'll give me a discount. And so, of course, like, I go there and I have to like schmooze with them. And, you know, they immediately, like, when I walk in, they see me. And they know, they know what's going on.

Yeah. Yeah, they know what's going on. Well, I needed you, buddy. Oh, no, I probably would have got even worse rims. Oh, no, these rims aren't cool enough. Go back and go to the catalog and find some better rims. Yeah, you would have gotten even better racing rims. Persian racing rim.

By the way, what is that? I don't even know what Persian racing rims are. Tell me, when you see them, tell me that that's not the perfect description of them. Persian racing rims. What are they? Like turquoise and gold? Yeah, you'll see them. You see them and you'll think, you saw my old rims.

You know what my old rims looked like. Did the word Persian racing rims ever enter your mind? I would say your whole car is Persian racing. Get the hell out of here, you son of a bitch. How dare you? It's not an insult. What you're doing is offensive. I'm not insulting.

That's pretty cool. That's pretty cool. So, check this out. I got a stats for you. The average person pays $94,000 in car insurance throughout their life. That's bullshit. Yeah. Are, is everybody out there bashing up $100,000 worth the car?

No, never. No. And I'll tell you what the problem is with the insurance companies. The reason that you, okay, so you have Affleck, right? You could buy a condo with that. Sure. That's, you could pay for college with that. Say you have, so you have the Affleck duck, right?

The mascot of Affleck. Yes. You have the insurance cartoon girl. Yeah. You have Flo. She's hot. Yeah. Yeah.

Not flow. Whoa, whoa, whoa. That's not what I was saying. I was saying the cartoon is hot, not the fatso. I'm not a weirdo. Well, go ahead. I don't know. I think you'd do it.

If there was any hope of you getting a blowjob, you would definitely hit flow. You'd hit flow real heavy. There's the Gico, there's the Geico, right? Do you notice a theme with all these different mascots? What's the potential exception of flow? They all are appealing to... Retards. Younger, younger people.

Yeah. They're appealing to a younger demographic. Yes. And that's because the biggest market where they increase their customer base is people who are just turning 16 and need insurance for the first time. You want to know who else does that? Cigarette companies. Yep. There you go.

You got the camel. Joe Camel. Yeah. If you're doing stuff that's like what other people do who are dickheads, you're a dickhead yourself. That's my motto. I don't need to see, I don't need to know what's going on here. But if you kind of look like yourself, you're maybe. being a dickhead, you're a dickhead.

How the fuck does everybody have a problem with Obamacare and nobody bitches about the government-mandated regulation that we have to have car insurance? Because we lost that a long time ago. It was in our lifetimes too that that became a thing and it was like, and it was horrifying at the time

that this would be a real thing for us. Here's a result. The result of losing that battle is me and my Persian racing rims. Which makes me, again, so happy. This is like the one argument for insurance, I can see. I could have not paid any insurance and got a, like a brand new car with whatever rims I wanted, if I could have just done it myself. That's true.

Well, okay, so what about this? So Tracy Morgan is in the news recently because he had that huge horrific car accident in New Jersey. Okay. There was a six car pile up, and the truck driver fell asleep, and they're potentially going to press murder charges against him. So what do you do in that kind of situation? You know, just to play devil's advocate here, what do you do if you are responsible for a six-car pile-up? I mean, that's more than $100,000, potentially.

You're looking at millions of dollars of damages on the line. So what do you do in that kind of situation? I would never be responsible for that. Oh, no, not careful dick. That's what would happen. Not rain slick dick. That's what I'm going to call you from now on, rain slick dick. That's cool.

Hitting an immovable object. So what? A guy causes like a million dollars of damage to all these cars and... Yeah. I mean, you know, accidents happen. So what are you doing that situation? You go to jail, I guess. I don't know.

Right? So, okay, so the insurance thing... I'm just saying I'm getting screwed here. I think there should be, if the government regulates and mandates that we buy car insurance, there should be... Already a problem. A lot of oversight on the insurance companies. And there isn't.

They're charging handover. No, dude, no oversight. It's too expensive. Then we're paying this girl at Stout to go do a job that they can't do. What the hell are you talking about? Having people oversee anything? Yeah. Like, you know people.

They're incompetent. I do know people. They can't do anything right. Sorry, go ahead with the oversight thing. No, there could be potential, there could be oversight. Like, the problem with government is lack of accountability, right? No, I'm not writing that. Go ahead.

You don't think that's... All right. Okay. Then I'm going to say that a problem with the government is lack of accountability. Okay. And that, by extension, has filtered down to the insurance companies. I've read that the insurance companies, by the way, have so much money on hand. They have so much revenue that they could withstand something like 30 Hurricane Katrina's and not even put it in.

Really? Oh, yeah. It's insane how much money they're making. They're just raking money in hand over fists. You know what? Here's what I would do. if I caused a pile up like that. I would have a deal

with these guys that gave me the Persian rims and I'd give them a little bit of money and be like, hey, if I ever cause a big pile up, you guys just fix the cars. Go give everybody some new rims. How about that?

I would pay them in advance. Dude, you know what I was, you know what I was thinking? Okay. So, you pay insurance to prevent like a life-ending catastrophic financial disaster

from happening. Right, like that pile up. And that's smart. It's smart to pay 200 bucks to keep yourself from having to pay 6 million, right? Sure. But it's stupid for some reason to pay a dollar in the hopes of winning the lottery, which is exactly the same thing, isn't it? But in reverse?

Hmm. Oh, boy, I think you just made the first rational argument for a lottery. Is that how this feels to make a rational argument? It feels gross. I feel like a scumbag. Yeah, I guess. I mean, essentially you're gambling. That's what the insurance companies are doing, too.

Insurance companies are making a bet, and the house almost always wins in this case. They're making a bet that whatever you're going to pay, they're going to pay less. Otherwise, they wouldn't make money. They wouldn't exist. If the insurance companies existed to make your life easier or to pay out anything, it's a big threat. It's a big gamble that you're hoping that you're not going to be on the hook for one of those $6 million. accidents. Yeah.

However, those are exceedingly rare. So you could mitigate your risk potentially. But what about, what would you say, again, plain devil's advocate, what would you say about other insured motorists? So sometimes you can pay for coverage that will cover for uninsured. That's code for Mexicans. Wow. I'm, dude, I'm Mexican.

I can say that. Yeah, well, I mean, you are, but you're so white. So what do I think about uninsured? There's uninsured motorist insurance. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. If I get hit by an uninsured motorist, whatever, I'll get a new car because I'll have saved $100 grand not paying insurance. I guess.

I mean, would you actually put that money aside for car insurance or would you just spend it on stuff? I have a credit card. I don't care. I get a new car. I have great credit. Well, I guess as the world according to Dick, as long as you got it covered, it's not a problem for anyone else.

What about people who are maxed out on their debt, on their limit, their credit limit? their credit limits What do you mean? What if they need a car? Yeah. Fuck them, take the bus. Fuck them. Take the bus.

Fuck them, comma. Take the bus. Your solution. All right. Dick Masterson. That's a pretty good problem. Yeah. It is a good problem, but not for any of the reasons you stated.

I wish I would have brought it in. You gotta see. I should have taken a picture of those rims, man. Oh, gosh. My next problem is conspiracy dipshits. Okay. You know the type, right? You know, like, everybody has a conspiracy.

They know a conspiracy dip shit. And the newest one, unfortunately, is still this fucking 9-11 truth or shit. This guy, there's this new guy who comes out who's saying that the 9-11, that the planes who hit the World Trade Center, I can't even say this is a straight face, were holograms. And it was, yeah, and it was a CGI, it was a CGI glitch on VIII. video that you're seeing. Cool. Here's a little, yeah, here's a little excerpt from his, from his little conspiracy video.

And by the way, this has over over two million views on YouTube. I'm going to go watch it. That sounds awesome. Oh, you don't need to, man. It's fucking stupid. Here's an excerpt from it. The second impossibility is in plain sight. Listen to what, like, nasally nerd this guy is, too.

In fact, I can't believe it took me over 12 years to see. Let me show you a still of this video. I've highlighted a building that's clearly behind. behind the South World Trade Center Tower. It's not, it's not, by the way. Salon just wrote an article about it. They showed a Google Map image. He said it took him two seconds

to pull up a picture of New York. The building is clearly in the foreground. And he got attention from Salon for doing that? Because it's gaining speed. It's gaining momentum. This guy said that one of his friends, who's a normal, quote, a normal posted this video, and his friend is rational.

He has a good job. He's not an idiot. He goes, when the normals start to pay attention to this. You're describing me, right? Oh. Okay, when the normal start paying attention to this shit, that's when it starts to become a problem. So he just wrote this article about it about how we all have a personal responsibility for debunking this bullshit. So listen to the rest of this clip here. Close attention to the video.

Flight 175's wing should appear in front of the building, not behind it. Wrong. This is a layering CGI glitch, and this proves that this video is a CGI rendering. Thus, it's not an amateur witness video. It's a fake. Yeah. Wrong. I get it.

I get it. Moron. It's a fake. So he's suggesting, like, if you, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, you're going to have an aneurism. It's insane. I don't even know where to begin. I'm going to beg all you conspiracy dipshits who are listening right now. And by the way, we will lose fans today.

Because these guys are so staunchly stupid that they will, they are so staunch and so ideologically driven that they will refuse and reject anything that challenges their worldview. Yeah, but don't they like that? Like, don't they like getting persecuted? Because it makes them feel more right. They get off on it. But also, like, they're very staunch. Like, they will actually, you will lose people. And they make you so mad, though,

because I know you've got a problem with these conspiracy guys. Like, you've written it before. I just feel like, I feel like it's watching an adult beat up a kid, watching you prove them wrong. Because they're, like, so there's something wrong with them, all of them, right? You know what, though? if they were just sitting there spouting nonsense, I don't really mind so much

but these guys are insulting the fucking victims, okay? Oh, you're taking the moral high ground, you a-hole. That's not why it pisses you off. Shut up. Of course. That's one of the reasons. Okay. That's probably like a reason 47 on the list. Get out of here.

You don't even know. No, it's insulting the victims. They don't have an explanation for the hologram technology and the CGI glitch that supposedly took place, right? And this is this this video has been propagated to every news outlet in the world and they all simultaneously agreed to air the same fucking video on the same date with nobody talking about it, no leaks,

like this is the best kept secret in the universe. They can't even keep fucking Pentagon secrets. They can't even keep the NSA secret. And then yet this is the best kept secret in all the world, in all the universe, every single news outlet simultaneously aired this and they can't even begin to explain what happened to the victims who died that day. Where are they? Huh, asshole?

You want to go tell that to somebody who lost a family member that, oh, hey, it was a hologram. Your family member's alive. Maybe the family's a hologram. Maybe we're all a hologram. Again, conspiracy div shits. You're one of them. No, I do find them entertaining. They don't anger me like they anger you.

Okay, well, so that one, and that one actually does anger me. One of the worst. They all anger you. Get out of here. No, I mean, there's some really crazy ones out there that, you know, they're not harming anyone, but they're fucking bonkers. Like the hollow earth theorists. Have you ever heard of these people, or the reptilian

conspiracy theorists? Yeah, yeah, I've heard of those guys. There are people who believe that the earth is hollow and that there's another culture, there's another civilization that lives inside the earth. Does it really bug you about the victims? Is that really what bugs you the most about it? Absolutely, because it's a big fuck you to them. Yeah,

I don't know. I'm looking at you. I'm trying to get a read on you to see if that's the real reason why. Right. Okay. Absolutely. Absolutely. Because ultimately, that's what that's, you know, if it's not hurting anybody, I don't give a shit.

It also pissed me off with the Boston Marathon bombing when everybody was speculating about the government doing it or the mercenary groups doing it or Blackwater or whoever it was. That pissed me off too. Because again, they're actual real life victims who are suffering right now while you dickheads are sitting there on your fucking forums coming up with these inane theories. Okay. So, but, you know, then there's the, then there's the, um, the less offensive ones. The ones that, like, have you heard of the Raylians? You know, who the Raylians are? Yeah, I've met a Raylian.

That's real. I really did. Yeah. Well, according to the Raylians, we all have. There's actually a video on YouTube, and this is not just a video. It's a website, and it's a movement. They're trying to actually create an embassy for the Raylians to come visit Earth. Isn't it crazy how otherwise normal, like how many otherwise normal people believe this shit?

You'll talk to them for, you'll know them for like a long time, and all of a sudden it'll be like, well, yeah, it's because they're a Raylian. I'm sorry, excuse me. What was that part about the Raylians? Yep, out of nowhere one day they're just pooh, pooh, peepie bonkers. It's just nothing. Like it could be anyone. You might even, I've known you for a long time, and maybe you've got a conspiracy thing in there. Let's not speculate. I have this video from, this is an excerpt from the video where they're asking people to build an embassy.

This is the introduction about what Raylians are. Hundreds of thousands of people around the world believe, as all Ray aliens do, that we were created by advanced scientists from another planet who made us in their image. Sure. Those extraterrestrial creators mentioned in the Bible as the Elohim have continued throughout history to monitor our progress.

Cool. Yeah. They're just sitting there watching us. They're just monitoring us. They're like, oh, what are the humans up to? Oh, fucking around. They're two girls, one cup. All right, cool.

We'll check it. We'll check it in a couple of years. I mean, that's what I do all day. Pretty much monitor everybody, like on YouTube. Like, what's this guy doing over here? Yeah, like a creeper. Okay, what is the number one motive for most people? Well, other than getting blow jobs, other than getting blow jobs.

You know what? You're not going to give you the right answer. It's money. I'm just going to stop. Money. Money is an abstraction to get blow jobs. Yeah, well, there you go. Which actually I'm kind of on board with.

Yeah. So why? You think all these people are trying to dupe people out of money? Well, listen to what their end game here is. This is the railings. They're saying this is the incentive you have to build an embassy in your country. The country granting the necessary extraterritoriality and authorization for the embassy to be built within its territory will not only benefit financially, but enjoy the protection of the Elohim. It will become the spiritual and scientific center of the planet for millennia to come and happiness will prevail within its borders.

This can be your country. Cool. Isn't that the same pitch that they gave for the atomic bomb? Like, if we pursue this technology, we'll be safe. Yeah, it sounds like when she was talking, she couldn't even keep a straight face. Like, we don't believe this horseshit. So why is this a big problem to you? Because this is very different than, like, you can't claim that victims shit for this. No, there's no victims for this.

Except for this, actually, there are the financial suckers who are put on the line for this. So they're bilking people out of it. money for this. Fuck them. They didn't need, what are they going to do with that money? Come on, these are sick people who need that money for medication. Right, essentially. Why do you really? Seriously, what, what is the problem with these guys to you? It's dishonest. They're looking for money to build this embassy. They're, the embassy's never going to fucking be built. It's not an embassy. It's not a thing.

It's just a bullshit video and a website with a WordPress front end. Like, it's just some bullshit website. They're just trying to bill people out of money. They're con artists. So those people giving the money, Like, you see them give the money. You tell them it's dumb. They still do it. Don't they get like a big... It's like going to Disneyland for them.

People getting bilked, as you claim? They're getting something out of it. No, because I'll tell you what. I know people in real life who are very susceptible to conspiracies, and they get very worked up and very emotional. And to the point where they start to develop a mental illness. They feel very conspiratorial. They feel like everybody's watching them all the time.

and it starts to interfere with their their day-to-day functions, their day-to-day lives. Like, they tend to not go outside the house and they might be constantly paying attention to someone, you know, might be following them or listening in on their conversations. It makes them sick and paranoid. It is actually causing a real-world problem

to people who get really wrapped up in these stuff. That's true. And these things. Look at you, looking out for all these people that need protecting. Here comes Maddox. Don't get duped. Stop right there!

They don't need an embassy. I'll save your money. Yeah, give me your money. I'll take care of it. One of the worst defenders of this is Alex Jones. You know who Alex Jones is? Is he the guy that flipped out on Pierce Morgan? That's the guy.

That was a great interview, man. He's an idiot. He's a hot-head idiot. That was a great clip, though. Come on. Give the guy that. Oh, it was a great clip. Yeah.

Not for the reasons he thought. There's a video on YouTube that's 42 stupid Alex Jones predictions and that were, that were false. Okay. These are predictions he's made. He always makes predictions that are always wrong. He's a fucking blowhard. He should do what Stephen Hawking does and just predict him a thousand years out in the future so they could never be wrong.

Oh, yeah. Well, he's not that smart. Here's one of his predictions. He made this in February of 2010, I believe. In the next 16 months, this is what they're planning right now. They're going to bring in a new total financial collapse. They're going to bring down at least 15 European nations. 15. 15 European nations. Wrong. Never happened.

So, okay. Yeah. Yeah. Full of shit. And of course, I argued with these dipshits. Actually, some of them were on my fan forums for a long time. They were arguing that Alex Jones was correct and that all these conspiracies were going to happen. None of it ever happened. Here's another one. I want you to listen carefully. In the next two years, they're going to devalue your currency by at least 50%. You're so stupid. When the government tells you it's not devalued, you still won't know it's devalued. I'm stupid?

Yeah. Also, man, why I got to buy this guy's book or whatever? What is he selling? There you go. Let me ask you something. Um, do you find, do you think that this stuff is different than, like, religions? Like a, like a normal religion? Like, giving money to these con artists is different than giving money to, like, an established religion. Well, it's a, it's a little different in the function. Like, these, these guys aren't, um, they're not, they're not telling you that, well, I don't know. These guys are just trying to make you panicked. I would say a religion probably isn't. Probably trying to get you to chill out. Relax. Have a better day. Yeah, probably.

I mean, at least most religions have some message of peace, some message of, hey, do goodwill towards your fellow man. Plus, there's Christmas, which is fun. Man, we're a conspiracy theorist. If they had a Christmas. A couple of great, kind-hearted guys. That's what this podcast is all about. Protecting people, warm-hearted.

Protecting people's tables. protecting people's money. What was your first problem? Marriage. Protecting people's getting blow jobs? Protecting people's... Sanity? Non-celibacy.

Their ability to get laid, which diminishes significantly when you get married. I don't know that that's true, but I doubt it, man. I know very few people... Actually, I only know one couple of mine who are married, one couple friend that I know, who are probably having regular... sex and it's because they're both really hot.

They're just like really hot people. And I just figured, yeah, yeah, they're probably banging all the time. But other than that, like, I, I just can't picture very many of my married friends banging. Oh, they do. No. Yeah. No way.

How do you know? You don't know. Why else would they be together? Because they have, because it's a pain in the ass to get divorced. It's expensive to get divorced. It's expensive to get divorced and we're in a recession. No, you're right. Yeah.

All right. You got any more for conspiracy theories? Uh, no, that's, uh, you know, I got the rail and shit. It really bucks you when people get taken advantage of, doesn't it? Of course. Oh, I do actually have one. There's one about the giant conspiracy. You have, you, I think you've heard of this. I sent you a video a while. There's giants? Oh, yeah. These people believe that there's giants and there's a huge cover-up. Let's hear it. This is this one. A local legend says the temple was built by the giantess Sunsuna. Why does it sound like Lord of the Rings?

This is from like a documentary. They're trying to make it sound more legitimate than it actually is. They failed. Yeah. so heavy that no normal human being could have moved it. These stones were so huge. No normal human being could have moved it. I wish I could play that clip every time I unzipped my fly. It's like that guy, these stones are so huge. No normal human being could lift it.

Oh, man. I'm sure they could use that mud or whatever the Egyptians used for their stuff. Which, by the way, is, you know, a very simple, reasonable explanation for how the pyramids got built. They, you know, they just wet the sand and they just pulled heavy stones across it. No normal human could have moved it, except for the Egyptians with wet sand. Or it could have been aliens. Or giants. They were all in the same latitude of the earth.

Maybe it was Alex Jones with the sheer power of the bullshit coming out of his mouth. The sheer force, the shockwave of bullshit coming out of his mouth. All right, what do we got? So, again. Let's have another dick victory this week. No. No dick, Victor. Yeah.

We don't need to... I'm the Alex Jones to your Pierce Morgan, dude. You lose. I embarrass your shit online. Yes. If you think that's how that went down, then yes, absolutely. That was great. Yeah, well, it was great, but it was great theater.

That's all right. All right, let's not reward slick dick over here. My problems were table Nazis and car insurance. My problems were marriage and conspiracy dipships. I have a feeling marriage is going to win. Marriage is going to win. All right. It's a huge problem.

Anyway, that's it for this time. Until next time, check out the biggest problem in the universe.com. Yeah. Don't forget to vote. Thanks. See you.